Your Gateway to All the Realms of Equestria
I hate my job.
Not the healthiest thing somepony could think waking up in the morning, especially when they wake up in one of the obtusely soft beds in a posh guest room of Canterlot Castle, but I’d been thinking it for months.
I wanted to be a hairdresser when I was a filly. I thought it would be cool to sit in a shop, meet new ponies everyday, you know, essentially get paid for doing what my friends and I did growing up.
But then your cutie mark comes in as a pair of crossed pens or whatever, and your parents enroll you in the literature academy they attended, which ends up with you dropping out to get a job sitting on your ass all day, wearing a fake smile, putting faker cheer into your ordained welcome, and praying to whatever gods exist that the next creature you meet won’t try to kill you.
Life, right?
Don’t get me wrong, the job had its perks: room and board was taken care of, as were any and all medical expenses. Any kind of money can stretch a long way when you don’t have too many bills chipping away at it, and working directly under Princess Celestia took care of quite a few bills. But over the last month, it just wasn’t worth going to bed every night feeling like I dodged a bullet, and knowing that another one was taking aim tomorrow.
Considering that I’ve actually had to dodge a bullet or two or three on the job before, I don’t use that metaphor lightly.
I threw the sheets off me and rolled out of bed, planting my hooves right on the cold tile—my wake-up call. A mare could do a lot worse than living at the castle, but when had laying down some carpet killed anypony?
My room was relatively small with its own private bathroom. Jasmine scent filled my nose as I stepped in, coming from the still-open bottle of luxuriant shampoo from my much-needed shower the night before. I half-heartedly damned by past self to Tartarus for taunting me like that, but the soothing scent promised me relaxation at the end of the day.
After a vigorous brushing to get any lint out of my brown coat, I bundled my sandy colored mane, levitated a pair of long pins, and thrust them into the bun to keep it in place. Job be damned, I know what I wanted my cutie mark to mean.
I splashed some water on my face and swished some mouthwash to freshen up a bit. Somepony knocked on my door the moment I spit it out. “It’s open!”
“Morning, Styli!”
“Oh no,” I groaned. I turned and stepped back into my bedroom, studying the gray unicorn stallion waiting for me. “What are you doing here, Star Shine? Don’t tell me we’re starting already.”
He chuckled. “Is that any way to say ‘Hi’ to the pony who phases you in and out of reality? And no, we’re not starting yet. Prime Girl wants a word with you first, then we start.”
“Lovely. Good-bye, breakfast.” I walked out of my room, and he followed me down the hallway. “Is she in her office, or ours?”
“Ours. I’ll see if I can scare up something for you to eat while she’s chewing you out. Catch you later!” Star Shine turned down another hall, and I was on my own.
You want to know the funny thing about living in a castle? You barely notice it. Getting over all the antiques and artwork that would cost you a lifetime’s pay takes about a year, and after that, it’s all just a routine. Wake up, go to work, come home. Wash, rinse, repeat. Routine, routine, routine.
The path was burned into both my head and my hooves, and the halls passed by all too quickly as I trudged on to my newest reprimand. After a quick nod to the guards by the door, I stepped inside.
Princess Celestia sat at rapt attention. “Sharp Styli, I’d like a word with you.”
I took a breath and sat down. “Yes, Your Highness?”
She unfurled a scroll and passed it over to me.
To the Princess Celestia of Universe Prime:
What in the nine hells is happening over there? I thought I made it clear after the incident with that last scientist you sent over that I wanted no cyborgs or robotics of any kind in my land. If it doesn’t bleed, it doesn’t belong on the battlefield. I spoke those words to your face.
Yet my sister is now roaring in triumph while she raises the metal skull of her newly fallen foe for our forces to see. While it was a battle worthy of glory and song, it should never have taken place.
Whatever damn foolish foul-up sent that thing to my realm, fix it. Now.
Yours,
Celestia, General and Co-Commander of the Equestrian Horde, Universe 487
“I don’t understand.” I shook my head as I reread the letter. “The last robot I saw was some kid in a blue suit.”
Celestia summoned an entire pile of scrolls. “The records show you assigned the last transportation to 487 before I received this letter. Yesterday, in fact. Who was it?”
“That guy? I don’t know. The only name he kept saying was ‘Sarah Connor.’” I shrugged. “That name didn’t come up in the system. He looked big and tough, Horde Girl loves her some tough guys, so I sent her a tough guy.”
She quirked an eyebrow. “Horde Girl?”
“Oh! Um, Princess Celestia of Universe 487, Your Highness.” My eyes dropped to the signature. “Or whatever she calls herself.”
One of her hooves lifted my face up to look at her. “You understand why the Nexus is important, yes? It helps us maintain balance in our realms. Without it, there’s no telling where our otherworldly friends would end up.”
I snorted. “Calling them friends is pushing it a bit, Highness. I’m not sure we’re exactly doing them a favor, either. Have you seen what Naughty Girl has been—”
“Regardless of the boundaries our other realms set,” she said, dropping her hoof to my shoulder, “they have agreed to welcome our visitors. The least we can do is accommodate their requests.” A frown creased her face. “And my counterparts all deserve the same respect you would show me. Is that understood?”
“Yes, Your Highness.” I bowed, staying low until she left.
“Good morning, Your Highness!” Star Shine’s voice came from behind me, and he slipped through the door, balancing a bag on his back. “How was it?”
“It’s never too bad with her.” I nodded to the bag. “Is that for me?”
“Two blueberry muffins for the fair lady,” he said with a smile and passed the bag over to me. “Eat up. I’ll get the chamber ready.”
I tore the bag open and took half a muffin in one bite as I followed him into the next room. It was dominated by a gigantic chunk of milky quartz smack dead in the middle of it, smoothly carved into the shape of a cube. Star left me to munch on my breakfast, and I watched him circle my road to work.
His horn flared to life, and glyphs and insignias etched onto the crystal’s surface responded in kind. I had never bothered to count them all, and the only answer I had ever gotten from Celestia when I asked what they were was a chuckle and a promise that they were nothing to worry about.
I supposed if I had to believe one pony when they told me not to worry about trans-dimensional travel, it would be her.
Star finished his check-up and pulled away a section of the cube, revealing a plain, milky white cubicle. “Ready when you are.”
“Never, then.” I swallowed my last bit of muffin and stepped forward. “But when has that stopped me?”
“That’s the spirit!” He sealed the crystal behind me.
I closed my eyes and waited for his spell. The sound was the first thing I always noticed, if it really was a sound. I felt it rather than heard it, but something was definitely vibrating all around me. Or I was. The feeling built and built until the chamber began to glow—even with my eyes shut I could see white.
And then it was gone.
“Welcome home, Styli.”
I opened my eyes and saw the grinning face on an armored unicorn stallion. “Miss me, Sarge?”
He barked out a laugh. “Horde Girl did. She just left a minute ago. Good timing on your part.”
“I owe Prime Girl one, then.” I stepped off the quartz platform and looked over his shoulder to the three guards sitting at the table behind him. “You boys have a busy shift?”
“Nope,” one of them said, folding his cards. “Quiet as a mouse lately.”
I sighed. “All the crazies were waiting for me, then. How about the hallways? Is everypony ready?”
The sergeant turned to a wall and consulted a roster. “Looks like it. You’re the last scheduled arrival until our shift is over.”
“Let’s get this show on the road.” I walked to the door and pushed it open.
The next room was a cozy little number, big enough for a dozen or so ponies. Most of the glyphs on the walls had been covered with a soft blue paint job, and two horizontal stripes of violet ringed the entire room, save for the three doors.
My attention, like always, was on the cherry wood desk in front of me, and the yellow-maned mare sitting behind it. “Morning, Blondie. Had enough for one day?”
She collapsed, resting her chin on the desk. “What do you think, Buns?” She stretched out a hoof. “Tag out?”
I tapped her hoof and walked behind the desk as she walked out. Except for the computer and printer, gifts from Universe 1337, the desk was bare. I grabbed the keyboard in my magic, tapping each little key to warm up. Blondie walked through door across from me, Sarge gave me a wave as he closed it, and the red sigil over the door faded away.
All that was left was the waiting.
BLOOP
The flash of the teleport dissipated, and I smiled at my first client of the day. “Welcome to the Nexus, your gateway to all the realms of Equestria!”
A young human stood in front of me, a teenaged male in baggy clothes, his head jerking around. “The what to...” His eyes landed on me. “Who are you?”
I kept my smile for his sake. “You’re about to walk into a new world, friend.”
He gaped. “You are a horse.”
“Pony, actually, but that doesn’t matter much right now. Name, please?”
“Uh, Mike. Mike Powers. Am I dead?”
I punched his name into my computer. “No, you are very much alive. It says here you ran away from school in tears after the girl you like rejected you, shouting how you wanted somebody, just somebody, to understand you?”
His face flushed. “N-no! No! That’s not what happened!”
“Whatever you say, stud. Let me just check the database here... and then... yes, it looks like there’s an opening for you in Universe 459.”
“Universe-what now?” He scratched his head. “Are you sure I’m not dead? I mean, I’m talking to a tiny talking horse that knows how to work a computer, and the last thing I remember is a truck coming right at— shit! I am dead!”
“Then you have nothing to lose by listening to me, do you?” I printed out his marching orders and held it out for him. “Take the door on your right, go to hallway seven, and give that to the stallion there. He’ll take care of everything.”
He slowly reached out and took the form. “Could you please tell me what’s happening?”
“I could, but you wouldn’t remember it when you leave here. Prime Girl made sure of that. Enjoy your time in Equestria!”
“Uh... thank you?”
“You’re welcome!” I waved good-bye as he stepped through the door. It was always nice to start the day with an easy one.
BLOOP
A black-furred, bipedal figure stood with its arms crossed over its chest. Red streaks decorated the spines on the back of his head. “I am Shadow. Shadow the—”
I started typing. “Yes, yes, welcome back to the Nexus, Mr. the Hedgehog.” And my streak of easy ones ended at one.
He budged neither hide nor hair. “My name is Shadow, and I have never seen you before in my life.”
“Then we know our memory spells are still working perfectly.” I sighed and brought up his name. “Well, looks like Luna 691 put in another request for some brooding company. I get the feeling we’re the only reason she hasn’t gone all Nightmare Moon yet, so don’t screw this up, yeah?” I levitated his form over to him. “Take the door on your left to hallway one.”
He sneered. “I am the ultimate life form. Your doors and hallways mean nothing to—”
“Do you sleep in that pose or something? Just take the paper for once, please.”
“Who are you to give me orders?” His hands dropped to his sides, and he took a fighting crouch. “You have no idea... who you’re dealing with!”
I rolled my eyes as he started glowing red. “If I told you hallway one would let you see Maria again, would you just take the form?”
The glow faded. “W-what?! You!” He glowered at me. “How could you promise that?!”
“Do you remember anything about your other visits here?”
“No.”
“Then I swear on my life that this will help you see Maria. What do you say?”
His eyes flicked back and forth from mine and the form. He snatched the paper from me. “If you’re lying to me, horse, I’ll hold you to your oath.” He headed for the door, stopped, and looked back. “I’ll show you the true power of Chaos Control!”
I forced another smile as he stepped through. “I’ll be waiting, I’m sure. Enjoy your stay in Equestria.”
BLOOP
Another human, this one with blue hair and a mask over their eyes, stepped out of the portal with a sword drawn. “Fie! What sorcery is this?!”
“Welcome to the Nexus, your gateway to all the realms of Equestria!”
The figure—man or woman—stood still as stone. Judging from Mike, this one’s clothing had a rather antiquated look, complete with a cape.
I’ve hated capes ever since I spent a week chasing down Mr. “Clark Kent” after I sent him to a universe that didn’t want extraterrestrials. Stupid alien physiology.
It took a step closer, pointing its sword at me with both hands. “The Divine Dragon told me nothing of this ‘Nexus.’ Who do you serve, creature?”
I held back a curse at the mention of divinity, the only thing that caused me more trouble than capes. My hoof rested next to the red button under my desk. “I serve Princess Celestia, not that it matters. Wherever you were going, ‘Hero,’ you’ve been derailed. What’s your name?”
The sword lowered a hair. “You may call me—“
“Your real name, please. I know what masks and capes mean.”
“...Lucina.”
“A woman after all. Is that with a C or an S?”
“I don’t have time for this, creature! The Fell Dragon is destroying my home, and I must return to the past to warn my father of his fate.”
I turned back to my computer and tried her name with a C. “You don’t have time, and I don’t care.” Her name popped up, and I printed out her form. “Universe 798 needs a hero, and it looks like you’re it. Enjoy.”
She pounded my desk, but pointed her sword away from me. “You don’t understand! My world burns! You expect me to—“
“I expect you to leave.” I pushed the button. “The only way out is forward, and you’re holding up the line.”
The red sigil lit up behind her, and the four guards burst into the room, grabbing the girl in their magic. She struggled as they dragged her down. “No! No! This can’t be what Naga had planned for me! I challenge my fate!”
“Don’t we all, sweetie.” I rubbed my temple. “Don’t we all.”
The sergeant took her form and led the squad to the proper hallway. Minutes later, they returned, walked back to their room, and the sigil over their door faded once more.
BLOOP
“Welcome to the Nexus, your gateway to all the realms of Equestria!”
Another human male stood in front of me, this one dressed in a black suit and tie and holding a glass. “A talking unicorn. Why not?”
I raised an eyebrow. “That’s a rather laid-back reaction. Who are you?”
“Uh, hello? Sterling Archer, World’s Most Dangerous Spy.”
“I certainly hope you’re dangerous. That must be the only way you can do your job if you just tell everyone you’re a spy.”
“First of all—” He pulled a flask out of his pocket and poured something into his glass. “That could have been a frag grenade. Second, I’d usually need a few drinks first, or you’d need to be, you know, human for me to brag about it, but since I’m just waiting for the drugs to wear off—”
“Drugs?”
“Normally in this situation I’d be freaking out about facing my third biggest fear, but... well, if you’re ever standing in a lab, and a possible genetic clone of Adolf Hitler tells you, ‘Hey, look over there...’” He paused to take a drink, then shook his head. “Don’t look over there. Last thing I remember is a needle getting jammed in my neck.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.” The computer spat out his form. “Universe 397. Head to your right, then go to hallway two.”
“Yeah, I’ll get right on that.” He grabbed his form and tossed it over his shoulder, taking a step closer. “Let’s do this.”
“Whoa, there,” I said, moving a hoof to the button. “What are you doing?”
“I am a deadly secret agent, and you are obviously a secretary of some kind. The story kind of writes itself. Never thought I was into bestiality, but I guess the drugs bring out—”
I leaned away from my desk. “Hey, you are not the first guy that’s tried to make a pass on me. Keep it in your pants if you want to keep it at all.”
“I’m just saying, you’re this lonely secretary all alone in this lonely place, and, lest I forget, I’ve had sex with four legs before. I know what I’m doing.”
I stared at him for a moment. Then I grabbed his crotch in my magic and twisted.
“GAAAAAAAH!” He crumpled, disappearing behind my desk. “I meant princesses! Two of them! At the same time!”
I twisted again.
“GAAAAAAAH!”
“Had enough?”
His hand lifted into view, resting on the desk for a moment. The rest of his torso followed, and he took some time catching his breath. “You know, if you work on your touch a little bit—GAAAAAAAH!”
“Stop talking and I’ll stop twisting!” I hit the button and held on until the stallions had him in their grasp. “397, boys. No need to be gentle.”
I held my head in my hooves while they did their job and waited for the horrible sound.
BLOOP
“Welcome to—”
“HULK SMASH!”
I shrieked and dove out of the way of the green monstrosity charging towards me.
It jumped over the desk and pounded the floor as it landed, tripping me with the shockwaves. “Why puny horse-thing run?! Puny horse-thing bring Hulk here!”
“No! No, I didn’t!” I tried to scramble away, but the thing caught me by a hind leg and lifted me up. I hung, upside down, right in front of its face. My tail shot between my legs. “Pleasepleaseplease, put me down! Don’t kill me! Please!”
“Why puny horse-thing not leave Hulk alone?!”
“I didn’t! I mean, I did! I didn’t bring you here! I swear!”
“Puny horse thing think it can hurt Hulk?!”
“P-p-puny horse-thing not hurt Hulk.” I swallowed. “Puny horse-thing want Hulk leave.”
“HULK WANT LEAVE, TOO!”
I cringed under the blast of fetid breath to my face. “Puny horse-thing help Hulk. H-Hulk put puny horse-thing down? Gently? Please?”
The thing dropped me on my head. I rubbed my horn and twisted my body around, checking for any breaks, and crept back to the computer after I was satisfied there weren’t any. Under the creature’s glare, I tapped at the keyboard, praying for the computer to move faster than usual and the printer to somehow materialize the orders instantly. “Okay... Hulk... I need you to understand something. There are going to be more puny horse-things behind that door there.”
The room shook as it pounded a fist into its other hand. “They hurt Hulk?!”
“N-no, they want Hulk leave just like we do. But if you hurt them, they can’t help you. Understand?”
It grunted and crossed its arms. “Puny horse-things leave Hulk alone, Hulk leave them alone.”
I held out its form. “O-okay, just do this, and we’ll never have to see each other again. You’re off to Universe 945, so—”
“HULK HOME IS UNIVERSE 616!”
Tears streamed from my eyes, but I stood my ground. I wish I could say it was because of bravery, but I’d be lying. I just didn’t want to turn my back on this thing again.
It crouched down, nose-to-nose with me. “Puny horse-thing think Hulk stupid? Think Hulk no know home? Send Hulk back to 616!”
My horn lit and died several times until I got a firm grasp of the keyboard. It shook in my grip, but I got a new form printed out for the monster. “D-door behind you, then hallway nine. P-please remember what I said about the others. Don’t hurt anyone. Please.”
It snorted and stormed away.
The red sigil flickered to life, and Sergeant AWOL poked his head in. “What was—”
“Where were you?!” For a fear-spawned scream, it came out shockingly coherent. Not that this sort of thing is routine, but thinking under pressure is one of the job requirements.
“You didn’t press the button!”
“I was begging for my life!”
“I thought you had it under control!”
“How?! Was it the earthquakes?! The screaming?! What could have possibly made you think I had it under control?!”
“You—”
A burst of my magic slammed the door in his face, and I buried my face in my hooves.
Someone laughed in front of me. “Sweet Cheeks, Hulky has a big enough body count without adding them to the pile.”
I groaned at the sound of that raspy voice. “Not you again...”
Another human leaned over my desk, covered head to toe in a red and black jumpsuit. “Jumpsuit?! This is legit combat gear, asshole!”
“Don’t call me an asshole, Deadpool!” I shoved him. “Just get out!”
“Sheesh! It’s not my fault I got dragged here again. Just let me get my orders, and I’m gone. Until the next time, at least.” He walked over and typed on my computer for a bit. “Universe Leetness, and this tech is the best they could do? I should keep a smartphone in my jock for the next time I come through.”
“How did you even get here? I didn’t even...” I held my face in my hooves. “Whatever. I’m not in the mood right now. Just get out.”
“You sure? You don’t need a bodyguard for your next—”
“GET OUT!” I pounded his chest. “Out! Out! Out!” My next swing smacked his jaw. “Get out!”
“Whatever happened to service with a smile?” He stormed to the door and slammed it shut behind him.
I took a breath, fighting back sobs while massaged my temples, waiting for—
BLOOP
“Welcome to the Nexus, your gateway to fuck everything, I just want to go home, but this transdimensional energy shit keeps you coming and me here, and it never stops, and I just want to go home, because I don’t care anymore, and it hasn’t even been an hour, and I don’t want to die, I wanted to do ponies’ hair for a living, but I just want to go home.” I slumped down, shaking my head, buried in my forelegs. “I just want to go home...”
Whoever was there kept very quiet. I blew a few loose strands of my mane out of my eyes and brushed it back, sitting up for a proper look at my new hassle. My head dropped back down with a sigh. “Oh, it’s you.”
The boy’s blue eyes stared at me from under his green cap, the same color as his tunic. One of his hands hung over the hilt of a sword across his back, and other lingered close to his shield. He relaxed after I was quiet for a moment.
I wiped my eyes. “It’s not getting any better, Link. I’ve tried talking to the Princess about hiring more help, I’ve tried to laugh it all off, I’ve tried taking vacations that all got cancelled on me. It just isn’t getting any better.”
He blinked at the mention of his name. Trust me when I say I don’t know how I know it.
Seriously. I asked him what it was the first time I saw him, and it just kind of... popped in there. He never said anything.
“Just today a psychotic hedgehog almost blew a gasket, I had a sword pointed at my throat, a pervert tried to molest me, another is practically stalking me at this point, and a screaming giant almost murdered me! How many times do I have to tell her? I need a force field!”
He tossed a tentative look around the room, then stepped forward.
I pounded my desk. “I! Need! A! Force field! I know I’m a unicorn, but we can’t all be Shining Armor!”
Link reached out to touch my snout, and his fingers ran down my muzzle with a few quick strokes.
My nose twitched in response, but I held back a smile.
He hesitated, and when he saw I wasn’t going to react, his hand moved slower, and a few more long caresses that let me feel every inch of each finger’s path had me leaning into his touch.
And with his other hand running a pair of fingers along my chin, I started giggling. Since when was Mr. Silent so good with a mare? I just sat there, smiled, and let him work.
After a couple pats on my nose, he was done.
“That was... nice. Thank you.” I ran him through the computer and watched him read over his form. “Door on your left, hallway three.” I pulled myself up and pecked his cheek. “You’re always such a good listener.”
He blushed so much I thought I saw a heart over his head for a split second, but he smiled through it all and walked out.
I sat back down, took a long breath, and waited for the next teleport.
The sigil flicked on instead, and Prime Girl strode in with a sheepish Blondie following. “Sharp Styli, we need to leave.”
I glanced back and forth between them, my jaw going slack. “W-what did I do?”
“Just a moment.” Celestia wrapped a foreleg around my neck, and a brilliant flash surrounded us.
My vision cleared, and we were standing on a grassy hill. “How did you do that?! I didn’t think teleports were possible—”
“Later,” she hissed, pointing behind me.
I turned, and another Celestia towered over me, only her wings and head poking out from a flowing black robe, spectral mane shimmering in a long braid, and red-rimmed glasses adorning her face.
“Oh...” I bowed. “G-good day, Your Highness. I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure?”
She glared at me. “This is she?”
“She is,” Prime Girl replied. “Now please, we have no time to lose.”
Other Celestia adjusted her glasses and stepped aside. “Welcome to Universe 616.”
My heart sank in my chest, and the sight of shattered homes and stores in the vale below did nothing to bring it back. Black smoke billowed up from the smoldering ruin in the center of the town, and ponies fled from the entire perimeter. This was the first time I had seen the village up close, but I believed I recognized it all the same from the landscape outside my window. “Is this Ponyville?”
“Was Ponyville.” Other Celestia leveled her gaze on me. “Preliminary reports suggest a hulking green monster destroyed twenty-seven carts and stalls in the market along with all associated produce, demolished over a dozen buildings in the downtown area including town hall, and is currently imbibing all the product in the local tavern. No less than eight critically injured ponies have been recovered from the carnage, three of whom belong to this universe’s Six Champions. I trust you have an explanation.”
Prime Girl sighed. “We spoke about this, Styli. Why did you send this creature here?”
I stuttered for a bit, looking up at not one, but two irritated all-powerful alicorns staring down at me. “I-it wanted to come here.”
Other Celestia grit her teeth. “It wanted to come here.”
Prime Girl closed her eyes and took a breath, but her frown was no less noticeable. “And where did the system want it?”
“It... it said it was from here. It said its home was Universe 616.”
Somehow, someway, she managed to keep an even tone with me. “When has the Nexus received a visitor from one of its own realms? Why did you send it here?”
I sank down. “It was going to kill me! I didn’t have a choice!”
Other Celestia raised her hoof, but she stopped herself before stomping it, setting it back down gently. “And what of our choice? Wanton destruction is more for that harpy from 487. We prefer to employ our minds here. Perhaps you should have done the same.”
“Hey! I—”
Prime Girl slipped between us. “Universe Prime will stand with you through this crisis. I will return with reinforcements in a half hour’s time.” She produced a scroll and passed it over to me. “And as for you, take this and get down there.”
A spine-chilling roar echoed from the town, and another building collapsed.
My knees buckled. “You said... What?”
“Each teleport from the Nexus leaves a trace of malleable particles on the traveler. Study the spell on that scroll to find and corner this creature. We will find you when we are able.”
My lip trembled. “What?”
Other Celestia spread her wings. “I shall marshall the Royal Militia and await your return.”
I watched her take flight. “What?”
Prime Girl lit her horn. “Study the spell, Styli. Manipulate the particles.”
“Don’t leave—”
She vanished.
“—me alone!”
The scroll quivered in my magic as I opened it, and it fluttered to the ground as I slapped a hoof to my face. It was impossible. I couldn’t even understand the first line of variables I had to alter, much less pronounce the incantation I had to repeat. There might have been something about opening my mind to the yolk of all equinity, but I flunked out of rune reading. Getting ready to wade into battle with a giant monstrosity didn’t strike me as the time to be unsure of my translations.
And so I sat on the hill, listening as the wind carried the cries of some poor pony lamenting the loss of his cabbages to my ears.
A raspy voice grunted behind me. “For what it’s worth, Sweet Cheeks, I don’t think you can take him.”
I smiled. “Heh. You can say that again.”
Deadpool dropped a couch next to me and jumped on it, draping a leg over one end rest. “For what it’s worth, Sweet Cheeks, I don’t think you can take him.” He pulled out a bag of popcorn and folded his mask up to his mouth. “So what are you thinking?”
Town Hall crumbled, and a cloud of ash sprouted from the wreckage.
“I’m thinking if they told me that fighting ogres was in the job description, I would have told them to shove it down their throat.” I climbed up on to the couch and levitated a mouthful of popcorn over. “How do you humans say it? ‘Fuck it?’”
He shrugged. “Eh, close enough. My turn of phrase would have involved a naughtier part of the anatomy combined with a shotgun loaded with chili powder, but we’ll try and keep this a Teen.”
“I don’t even know what that means.” I laughed anyway and chewed a few pieces. “I’m sorry about earlier. You just showed up at a bad... I shouldn’t have hit you like that.”
“If I can survive getting my head cut off, put on backwards, taken off again, reattached properly, then tangle with Wolverine five seconds later, I’m pretty sure I can take a few slaps from you.” He popped open a metal can. “Thirsty?”
“HULK SMASH PUNY TORNADO!”
A rainbow blur shot out of town and skyrocketed into Canterlot.
I let the sweet nectar of the soda linger on my tongue for a moment before swallowing. “You know, it occurs to me that I’ll need a new line of work. I’m gonna have bills again.”
“Come on over to Earth. I can spot you ten bucks and half a meat-lover’s once you meet Weasel.” He spread his arms out wide. “And then we’ll take you on the road! You can keep selling yourself for science, then I’ll bust you out of whatever lab you end up in after the check clears! They’ll never catch us!”
“Yeah, I don’t think Celestia will be too willing to bend over backwards for me after this. Not sure that’s in the cards.”
He raised his can. “Well, I’ll miss ya, Sweet Cheeks.”
I tapped mine against his. “Take the door behind you when you drop in. Do whatever the hell you did to get here, and you’ll end up in my world. Stop by anytime.”
We sat back and waited for the main event.
