Speed Dates

by Fire Gazer the Alchemist

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Octavia, Derpy Hooves, Slice of Life, DJ P0N-3
Length: 6564

Octavia is fed up with blind dates, so naturally Vinyl gets an idea. A horrible, horrible idea.

After another horrible blind date, Octavia resolves to give up romance for a while. Naturally this gives Vinyl the idea to set her up on a few (dozen) dates at once.

Octavia is not amused.

Proofread by Majora

Published 2015-07-01 18:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-01 18:20:01 UTC

The Setup

Vinyl bobbed her head up and down, grinning as electronic music filled her living room. She flipped a record into the air before slamming it onto her turntables and giving it a good spin. Her amps exploded with the new track, and Vinyl cranked up the volume for good measure.

Just for the thrill of it, she cackled wildly as she spun the records. Two hours of experimentation was about to culminate in her best song yet, and nothing was going to tear her away from—

Slam!

Vinyl flinched, hitting the needle and sending a scratch running through the record, abruptly ending the song. Looking over to the now open door to the house, she saw a tired-eyed Octavia slink inside.

She blinked, watching her roommate enter in silence. Octavia barely nodded a hello to her as she trudged into her side of the living room and flopped on her couch, giving a long, exasperated groan into the cushion.

Vinyl pressed her lips together, and hopped down from her sound system. Trotting over to her friend she pulled her shades up, letting them rest on her horn.

“So… uh… you’re home early.”

Octavia offered a muffled “yep” into the couch.

Vinyl frowned, but tried to keep a positive tone. “Um… how’d the date go?”

This time, Octavia turned her head outward and shot a glare at Vinyl. “Oh, it was just dandy.”

“That bad, huh?”

Octavia groaned, and rolled over. “It was going well in the beginning, actually. We had a lot in common and he was rather handsome.” She put a hoof over her face. “But then… he started talking about his cats.”

Vinyl snorted. “What’s the problem? I thought you liked cats”

Lowering her eyelids, Octavia shot her another glare. “He has thirty of them.”

“You’re kidding.” Octavia didn’t even blink as she continued staring down Vinyl. “You’re not kidding.”

Octavia shook her head. “I wish I was, but no. And not only does he have thirty cats, but he likes talking about them. Every. Single. One. In intimate detail too.”

Sucking in air through her teeth, Vinyl rubbed the back of her head guiltily. “Geeze, I’m sorry Tavs. I swear Noteworthy said he had only three cats.”

“Well, you always were bad with numbers.” Octavia sighed inwardly.

Vinyl bit her lip. “Tell you what, next guy I set you up with I’ll personally make sure he has no pets at all.”

“No.” Octavia sat up. “No, I’m done with you all of your ridiculous blind dates. In fact, I think I’m done with stallions for a while.”

“Okay, no prob. I know a few mares that—”

“No mares either,” Octavia accentuated. “I’m sick of dating in general, Vinyl. I think it’s best if I just focus on my music for a while.”

“Ah, what?” Vinyl plopped herself in the seat next to Octavia. “Tavi you spend like, eighty hours a day on your music. What you need is to focus less on it and socialize a little.”

“I socialize,” Octavia said, voice rising in offense. “I went with you and Neon to that garish little bar you love so much just last week.”

Vinyl arched her eyebrow. “You showed up, ordered a glass of water, and then left after five minutes without talking to anypony besides me. Oh wow, how social.”

Octavia huffed and crossed her forelegs. “Well, I… there was Cranky and Matilda’s wedding.”

“You showed up, we played one hell of a song and then you left.” Vinyl smirked, silently challenging Octavia to try again.

“Well I… didn’t I do the… what about the… uh… hmm…” Octavia bit her lip.

Vinyl slugged her playfully on the shoulder. “Ya see? If it weren’t for me you’d stay locked up in here your whole life.”

“I would not!”

Laughing, Vinyl added, “you might’ve ended up with more cats than Noteworthy.”

She rolled her eyes. “I would do no such thing.”

“Face it, you’d totally be a cat lady.”

“Vinyl!” Octavia took in a deep breath. “Just because I prefer having a smaller circle of friends than most does not mean I will end up with three dozen cats.”

Vinyl shrugged. “Okay, fine. ‘Scuse me for thinking you’d like a special somepony in your life.”

Octavia rolled her eyes again. “It’s not that I don’t want a special somepony, it’s just that I don’t want to keep wasting time on a bunch of blind dates who turn out to have thirty cats, or dine and dash for that matter.”

Vinyl cringed. “Right, uh, sorry about that. If I knew Rainbow was going to ditch I would’ve told you to bring some bits.” She earned another glare. “Or… you know, never set you up with her in the first place.”

Shaking her head, Octavia sighed. She stood up from the couch and walked over to her cello, undoubtedly intending to practice while there was still some daylight left.

Frowning, Vinyl tapped her chin. She knew meddling any further with Octavia’s social life — or lack thereof — was unwanted, but at the same time she couldn’t just resign herself to let Octavia remain a shut-in. She had to get out somehow, and a relationship with another pony would both work, and be less of a daily hassle for Vinyl. If only there was a way for Octavia to just speed through a bunch of dates until she found the right pony.

A light bulb went off in Vinyl’s head.

Hopping off the couch, she rushed to block Octavia’s path. Putting herself in between the two, Vinyl threw up her hoof, forcing her friend to come to a stop.

“Okay, so you’re saying you don’t wanna waste time dating, right?”

“Yes.” Octavia swerved, attempting to out-maneuver Vinyl and grab her instrument. A mere sidestep was all it took to counter.

“What if I told you there was a way to skip the all the boring junk about dating and cut right to the chase?”

A dubious eyebrow rose. “What way?”

“It’ll be super quick and I guarantee you’ll find the right pony in like, one night.”

“What way?” Octavia reiterated, her irritation growing.

“Geeze, Tavi, you never heard of a surprise?”

She glared at her friend.

“Okay, yeesh, I’ll tell you… tomorrow.” Vinyl backed away, heading for the door.

“What?” Octavia’s face scrunched up. “Vinyl!”

“Sorry Tavs, I got prep work to do!” Vinyl bolted out the door, cutting off a frustrated groan from her friend.

Though she only had half of a plan worked out, Vinyl decided to put it into motion anyway. She took off running, just in case Octavia was about to try and follow her. After a few turns, Vinyl’s legs began to burn, and she silently cursed herself for not just riding her turntables around town; it had worked out so well last time.

Eventually, her destination rose from the horizon: Ponyville’s Post Office.

She reached the door and kicked it open. A familiar face on the other side snapped to attention at the noise. Derpy ‘Muffin’ Hooves rubbed the surprise from her eyes and offered a smile. “Oh, hey Vinyl.” She reached behind the counter and pulled up a large basket overflowing with one particular baked good. “Muffin?”

Vinyl trotted up to the desk, breathing heavily from so much running. After an empty promise to herself to exercise more, she returned Derpy’s smile. “No thanks I— actually, yeah. A muffin would be killer.” Vinyl grabbed a blueberry muffin off the top of the pile and shoved it into her mouth. “Anyway, I need a favor.”

“Sure, what is it?”

Vinyl paused first to chew and eventually swallow. “What do you know about printing invitations?”

Speed Dating

Octavia stumbled forward, barely able to find her balance before getting a face full of dirt road. She took in a sharp breath, but let it out when the wave of panic had passed and opened her eyes.

Not that it did much good.

Covering her eyes was a blindfold, provided by none other than Vinyl Scratch in an effort to “keep it a surprise” as she put it.

Octavia wasn’t sure what ‘it’ was and that was leading to some growing concern. So far they had walked an estimated three blocks, and she still had no idea where they were going, or what they were even doing. Worse yet, she was wasting valuable composing time on what was turning out to be a fool’s errand.

“Can I remove this yet?” Octavia asked.

“Nope,” Vinyl replied, causing her left ear to flick. “Just wait a few more seconds.”

“You said that three minutes ago.”

“And I’m saying it again.” Vinyl’s hooves picked up in pace. “Come on it’s literally just around the cor— Oh…”

“Oh? Why oh? What is it?”

“Uh… a few more ponies than I expected showed up.”

More questions popped into Octavia’s mind, but she was fed up with asking Vinyl. She tugged the blindfold off, a rush of sunlight hitting her pupils. Squinting, Octavia blinked a few times to let her vision clear.

Vinyl cringed as Octavia took in the scene before them. They were at the Hayburger, a tiny fast food shack near the middle of town. Usually it gave off a scent of grease pungent enough to smell from the road, which often led Octavia to avoid walking near it. Today however, the smell wasn’t even on her mind.

Instead her attention was focused on the massive crowd before her. A throng of ponies were packed inside, and some even piled out past the doors, looking almost like somepony had vomited out a rainbow over the streets.

“Vinyl, what is going on?”

Keeping her expression hidden behind her sunglasses, Vinyl gave a guilty smile. “Well, I may have brought all these ponies here to go on a date with you.”

Octavia’s jaw slid open, and she glanced back at the throng of ponies before her. “You… what?”

“Calm down, I didn’t expect this many to show up. I don’t even—”

“Hey Vinyl!”

Both Vinyl and Octavia looked over, seeing a gray face worm its way out of the crowd.

“Derpy!” Vinyl exclaimed.

Squeezing free of the mass of ponies, Derpy stumbled over to them, a goofy smile plastered on her face. “Vinyl, I did it! Boy was it rough, but I managed to get those invitations out. I don’t think everypony showed up, but it looks like a pretty good turn out.”

“Derpy!” Vinyl shouted again.

Her blonde mane shot up in momentary surprise. Wincing, Derpy took a step back. “Uh… what’s wrong?”

“What’s with this many ponies? I was thinking maybe thirty, max!”

Thirty? Octavia shot a glance at her friend.

Derpy nervously bit her lip. “But, heh… why did you have me send out so many invitations if you just wanted thirty ponies?”

“I said send one invitation down every third neighborhood. You don’t get that—” she pointed to the mass of ponies in the restaurant. “—with that.”

“W-wait, you told me to send three invitations down every neighborhood!” Derpy bit her lip.

Vinyl furrowed her brows. “What? I swear I didn’t.”

“I believe it.” Octavia interjected, earning a few glances her way. “You really are awful with numbers, Vinyl.”

Derpy blinked, just noticing her presence. “Hi, Octavia. What are you doing here?”

“Vinyl dragged me here.” Her eyes shot daggers at Vinyl. “Emphasis on dragged.”

Derpy furrowed her eyebrows. “Wait… are you the ‘hot piece of flank’ Vinyl promised would go on a date with anypony who showed up?”

“Derpy! The nerve!”

“I’m just repeating what the invitations said,” Derpy exclaimed. She pulled out a small piece of paper, one of her pupils focusing on it while the other drifted upward. “If you want a date with one of the hottest pieces of flank in Ponyville, then stop by the Hayburger today at five.” Derpy turned the paper around and pointed at it. “And then Vinyl drew a picture of your plot, with an arrow pointing at it.”

Octavia’s eyes drifted over the crude drawing, her rage building. “Vinyl!”

Cringing, Vinyl rubbed the back of her head with her hoof. “Heh, sorry Tavi. Like I said, I didn’t expect so many ponies to actually show up.”

Forget daggers, Octavia was glaring swords at Vinyl by this point. “I don’t know why I put up with you,” she growled through clenched teeth.

Vinyl could only offer a weak laugh and a sheepish smile.

Derpy paused, the tension in the air nearly palpable. “Uh… sorry about the mix-up. I didn’t mean it.”

Octavia felt a sarcastic quip bubble up inside of her, but she forced it down for Derpy’s sake. “It’s all right,” she lied instead.

Vinyl shuffled closer, looking at Octavia expectantly. “So does that mean you’ll give dating all these ponies a try then?”

“Heavens no.” Octavia recoiled at the thought.

Frowning, Vinyl pursed her lips. “Uh… why?”

“Why? Why? Vinyl, there must be nearly a hundred ponies there! I can’t take the time to go on a proper date with all of them, it would take days! Not to mention that I’ve told you I want to take a break from—”

“Whoa, calm down, Tavs.” Vinyl lifted her shades from her face, face contorted in slight amusement. “I told you before you’re gonna just skip all the boring crap about dating.”

Octavia raised a dubious eyebrow. “How?”

Vinyl snorted. “Geeze, Tavi, you ever hear of speed dating?”

She narrowed her eyes. “Speed… dating?”

Vinyl turned to Derpy. “She really needs to get out more, doesn’t she?” After a small nod from the mailmare, Vinyl turned back to Octavia. “See?”

“Vinyl.”

“Right, sorry. Anyway, speed dating is like when you’re at a bar, and you take a whole bunch of shots in a row instead of taking all night to guzzle one beer. You feel me?”

Octavia blinked, looking away slightly. “Not really.”

With a sigh, Vinyl looked to the crowd. “Okay well, bottom line is you’ll have about a minute with each of these ponies and then you can choose the one you want to… do the dance with no pants, so to speak.”

Derpy tilted her head, eyes narrowing. “Uh… I don’t normally wear pants when I dance.”

“Yeah me too come to think of it.” Vinyl tapped her chin. “How about hump each other’s brains out? That works, right?”

“That’s… erhem… nice, Vinyl, but I’ve already told you that I’m not interested in dating right now.”

Vinyl rolled her eyes. “Oh come on Tavi, I’ve heard that spiel already. “Look, I just want you to find a special somepony so you’re not so lonely all the time, is that so wrong?”

“I suppose not,” Octavia admitted. “But it’s not like I’m desperate to find somepony to spend time with. Certainly not desperate enough to do something like this.” She indicated the mob of ponies.

Vinyl grinned. “That’s why I did it for you, Tavi.”

“That doesn’t excuse going behind my back like this.”

Vinyl waved her hoof, dismissing the thought. “Chew me out for that later, will ya? Right now, all these ponies came here expecting a date with you, and you don’t want to disappoint them, do ya?”

“I’m weighing my options actually.”

Derpy gave of a giggle that ended up sounding more like a snort, but found neither of them were joining in and quickly silenced herself.

Vinyl’s mouth folded into a thin line. After a second, she resorted to grabbing Octavia by the hoof and dragging her toward the Hayburger.

“Vinyl!” Octavia cried, wriggling in an effort to escape.

“Come on Tavi, all these ponies showed up just to have a chance with you. Doesn’t that mean you should at least give them a shot?”

She wanted to shout back a no, but seeing the determined look Vinyl wore, she realized this was an argument she had no chance of winning. The tension in her hoof fled as she let Vinyl continue to pull her along.

“Fine, I’ll give your asinine little idea a try.”

Throwing her other hoof up, Vinyl gave a premature “whoohoo” of victory.

“But,” Octavia interrupted, the sternness of her voice forcing the hoof down. “After tonight, I don’t want you messing with my social life ever again, whether I find a special somepony or not. Am I clear?”

“Crystal.” Vinyl grinned wildly.

“Uh… anything I can do?” They both turned to see Derpy, who guilty kicked at the ground. “I… I just feel bad about messing up again with the invitations.”

Vinyl looked up, thinking about it for a moment. “Well, if you want you can make sure no other ponies show up. I’m pretty sure Tavi’s halfway to strangling me as it is; any more dates being thrown on the pile won’t help that.”

“Okay.” Derpy perked up at the opportunity. “You can count on me!”

“Fan-friggin-tastic. Now hurry up, Tavs.” Vinyl yanked on her foreleg, forcing her forward.

“Gah, you don’t need to be so rough, Vinyl.”

As Derpy took a confident guard pose near the front of the restaurant, Vinyl and Octavia moved to the entrance.

Even on the outside, ponies were so tightly packed together that Vinyl couldn’t find a way around them. Frustrated after a few seconds of trying, she threw her manners out the window, and shoved her way into the crowd.

Octavia squeezed in with her, mumbling apologies left and right to all the ponies Vinyl practically punched in the face as they tore through the crowd.

They reached the front of the restaurant, and Vinyl finally released Octavia’s hoof. She climbed onto the counter and cleared her throat. General murmurs from the crowd slowly died down as everypony began looking at her curiously.

“Okay,” Vinyl called out, projecting her voice so loud that Octavia didn’t doubt she was heard all the way out in the street. “So, I’m sure you all have a vague idea of why you’re here today.” She pointed to Octavia. “You all want a piece of this hot mare’s flank.”

Blood boiled under Octavia’s cheeks. “Vinyl!”

The crowd shuffled slightly, a few nods and winks sprinkled in between the ponies that struggled to get a better look at who Vinyl was pointing at. All the attention did wonders for Octavia’s blush.

“The problem is, there’s only one Tavi and like—” She squinted, glancing over the crowd and lowering her voice. “One, two, three… uh, a crapton of you guys.” Vinyl pulled her shades down over her eyes. “A’ight, no prob. I can handle this.”

“Uh, excuse me?” Vinyl and Octavia glanced behind them to see a casier looking at them irately. “Do any of you plan on ordering anything?”

Vinyl waved him off. “Buzz off, we’re doing a thing here.”

“Sorry,” Octavia mouthed as Vinyl turned back around to address the crowd.

“Okay, listen up,” she yelled, seizing the crowd’s attention again. “You’re all going to get a date with Octavia tonight, but since there’s so freaking many of you, you’re each only going to get a minute tops to make a good first impression.”

A few confused glances swept across the faces of the crowd and they murmured amongst themselves.

Vinyl hopped down from the counter, pushing her way over to a table. “All right, make some room.”

The nearby ponies pushed back as far as they could, leaving just enough space for Octavia and Vinyl to walk freely. Vinyl motioned for her to come closer, while pulling out a chair. As Octavia took the seat, Vinyl plopped a small bell in front of her, only to be shot a confused glance.

“In case you need to end the date before time’s up,” Vinyl clarified, answering her unspoken question. “Just uh… don’t use it to skip through all the dates, okay?”

Octavia rolled her eyes. “Fine.”

“Excellent.” Whipping around, Vinyl faced the ground. “All right, who’s first?” Several hooves shot up at once.

Sighing, Octavia’s head sunk into her hooves. Why did I agree to this?

“Hello, Octavia.” Her first date plopped down in the seat across the table. Octavia looked up, to see the warm smile of her dentist staring back at her.

“Minuette?” She blinked in surprise.

“Yep.” Red invaded her blue coat as Minuette blushed. “I uh… got the invitation yesterday, and since I had an appointment cancel on me I figured why not?”

“Oh, so I was a last resort when you had nothing to do?” Octavia shot her a coy, yet playful grin.

“What?” Minuette practically fell out of her chair. “No, no it’s nothing like that, I swear! I really did want to come here tonight; I even brushed my teeth twice just for the occasion.”

She never could understand sarcasm. Octavia couldn’t force down a smile as she watched Minuette uncomfortably try to wiggle herself out of a situation she wasn’t even in. “Relax, Minny. Honestly I’m glad you’re here. At least there’s one familiar face in this sea of suitors.”

Unconsciously, Minuette glanced back. “Yeah… I’ll admit I wasn’t expecting any… competition when I came here today. Or that I’d only get one minute to talk to you.”

“Thirty seconds,” Vinyl quipped from off to the side.

Octavia felt the slight pressure of being rushed close in on her. Without any questions thought of before-hoof, she went with the first one that popped into her mind. “Okay, so um, why did you want to go on a date with me?”

Minuette’s blush didn’t go away. “Well... oh this is just going to sound silly.”

Eyebrow raised, Octavia felt her curiosity piqued. “What?”

Looking down, Minuette bit her lip. “It’s your teeth, all right?”

Octavia blinked. “My… teeth?”

Sheepishly, Minuette looked back up. “Yeah. At all of your appointments they were just so… clean and so well taken care off and… kinda cute. I’d never seen a mouth in Ponyville quite like it.”

Okay… this is a little weird. Octavia smiled anyway, if for nothing other than the sake of her dentist.

At this point, Minuette’s face was more red than blue. “I-I guess you could I’m… enameled with you.”

Despite it being one of the worse puns she’d ever heard, Octavia laughed anyway. “I uh, had no idea you felt that way. Maybe I’ll try to get a few more appointments in this year?”

“I’d like that.”

“And time’s up.” Vinyl appeared next to Minuette, and started shoving her out of the seat.. “All righty, you’re done. Don’t call Tavi, she’ll call you, goodbye!”

Octavia breathed a sigh of relief as Minuette was pushed from the table. One date was over and done with, and it honestly had gone over surprisingly well.

Perhaps this whole endeavor won’t be as painful as I thought it was going to be.

“So, you’re name is Big Mac, correct?” Octavia craned her neck to be able to see the face of the hulking red stallion before her.

“Eeyup.”

Octavia paused for a moment, expecting him to say something else. When he responded with fives solid seconds of quiet stillness, she cleared her throat. “So… from your Cutie Mark I take it you work on Sweet Apple Acres?”

“Eeyup.”

Silence.

Groaning internally, Octavia racked her brain for conversation topics.

“Do you like music?”

“Eeyup.”

“Um… Do you enjoy any particular kind of music?”

“Eeyup.”

Octavia lowered her eyelids, unamused. “What kind?”

Big Mac opened his jaw, but no words came out. He blinked a few times, but couldn’t seem to muster up anything more to say. It was if being asked something other than a yes or no question was outside his skill range.

Octavia gave him a few more seconds, hoping he would snap out of it. When he didn’t, she sighed and eyed the bell resting on the edge of the table.

Ding.

Octavia watched as an earth pony she’d never seen before sat down in the chair across the table. Brushing her green mane back, she curled her pink lips up in a smile. “Hi, I’m Daisy.”

“I’m Octavia, nice to meet you.”

“So, before we get into the real nitty-gritty of this little one minute date, I need to know one thing.”

“Um… all right, what?”

Daisy leaned in closer, as if about to discuss something extremely important. Octavia leaned in too, if only slightly. “What are your thoughts on flowers?”

With a blink of confusion, Octavia straightened her posture. “Oh… well, they’re okay I suppose.”

Daisy froze, her eyes bulging out. “Okay?” she cried. “Just okay?”

Octavia leaned back this time. “...Yes?”

Daisy slammed her hooves on the table and wailed to the ceiling. “Oh, the horror! THE HORROR! How could anypony think that flowers are just okay? It’s just so… so…”

“Horrible?” Octavia offered.

“HORRIBLE!” Daisy shouted. With a performance that would have made an overdramatic movie star blush, she put a hoof to her head and passed out.

Watching with stunned eyes, Octavia’s jaw fell open as she stared at the limp body on the floor.

“Uh, Daisy, are you all right?” Standing, Octavia stood up and was about to walk over until she realized something. Daisy twitched slightly as she lay on the floor and her eyes weren’t fully closed. As far as Octavia could tell, she was feigning being passed out.

“Are… you going to get back up?” she asked.

No response.

“Hello?”

Nothing.

Octavia groaned.

Ding.

A purple mare sauntered into the seat before Octavia, her eyes sized up her body before a dopey grin appeared on the mare’s face.

“Well hey there — hic — honey. Ain’t you a cute one.” Her voice was coarse and scratchy against Octavia’s ears, and they folded downward after the first few words.

“Um… thanks?”

The mare leaned across the table, attempting to give a seductive glare. Emphasis on attempting. Her eyes were fogged over and her lips pursed awkwardly. “Why don’t we skip the whole — hic — getting know each other junk and see if this place has a back room.”

“I… what?”

“Come on, we have a — hic — minute right? That’s plenty of time for ole Berry Punch.” Her breath hit Octavia’s nose like a rhinoceros, the stench of booze making her eyes water.

Trying not to gag, Octavia spoke. “Excuse me, but… are you inebriated?”

Berry laughed. “No Missy, I’m just drunk.”

Ding.

An icy silence permeated the air as Octavia awkwardly forced a smile at the mare across from her.

Lyra Heartstrings had spent the last twenty seconds fuming with her forelegs crossed while glaring angrily at the floor. While Octavia appreciated not having to attempt any conversation thus far, a cold sweat born of confusion was slinking down her lower neck at the same time.

“You’re not lying about who you are, are you?” Lyra suddenly asked.

What? “No…” Octavia said slowly.

“‘Cause that’s a deal breaker for me right now,” Lyra continued with fire in her pupils. “I’ve been duped once in a relationship before and it’s not going to happen again, you hear me?” She crossed her hind legs, leaning back in the chair.

“All right, but—”

“And she just expected me to be okay with it all! What’s up with that? It’s not like she kept a secret about something minor, like accidently eating somepony else’s oats. Noooo, she had to go and lie about who she was!”

“I feel like this conversation has become really one-sided.”

“And I can get passed the secret, honestly. But the fact that she didn’t trust me enough to tell me… I don’t know if I can forgive her for that.” Lyra rested the back of her head on her chair’s support. “Even if she is really cute.”

Ding.

“Here, I brought you this.”

Octavia smiled politely as the mare before her extended a pink and yellow flower. “Oh, why thank you.”

The mare gave a grin. “Thanks. It’s a lily, just like me.”

Taking the lily, Octavia gave it a light sniff. The soft scent of honey invaded her nostrils, finally washing away the stench of alcohol that had been stuck in there.

“Oh no.”

Looking up, Octavia saw Lily’s face on the verge of tears. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

Lily pointed at the flower, face racked with dismay. “The stem… is bent!”

Octavia shifted her eyes, for the first time noticing the slightest of imperfections in the stem. “Hmm, I suppose it is.”

“OH THE HORROR!” Lily suddenly broke out, flailing her hooves in agony.

What? Again? Octavia tilted back, out of the range of the wild fore legs as she contemplated what was happening.

“THE HORROR!” Lily cried again. “THE HORROR!” Placing a hoof to her forehead, Lily flopped onto the floor in a blur of gold and pink, landing with a thump.

Ding.

Octavia could only watch agast as the stallion before her grabbed a hoofful of hayfries, slathered them in ketchup, and shoved the greasy heart attack into his mouth. He chewed — mouth wide open — sending bits of food scattering across the table.

Barely able to dodge the a few wayward scraps, Octavia felt her pristine nature send a shiver down her spine.

The stallion came up from his food for air, before grabbing his soda and shoving it in his mouth. Fizzy liquid joined the mess of grease slime and ketchup on his face as he gargled the drink before slamming the cup on the table.

He ran his foreleg across his face, smearing the fast food motley on his hoof before wiping it on his flank and giving a satisfied burp.

“So anyways, my name’s Thunderlane.”

Ding.

As a red-maned mare took a seat at the table, Octavia felt the corner of her lips tug upwards. This one actually looked kind of cute with her petite nose, high cheek bones, and sparkling eyes.

I… I can’t believe it. Octavia thought as her heart thumped loudly. I think I might just give this one a chance.

“Hi,” the cute mare spoke, her voice ear candy to Octavia. “My name’s Rose.”

“Hello, Rose.” Octavia felt her face flush. “I-I don’t think I’ve ever met you before.”

“Probably not, I don’t think I’ve seen you ever come into where I work.”

“Oh, where do you work?”

“The local flower shop.”

Flowers?

Ding.

Octavia’s jaw was on the floor and she had a sinking feeling that she’d be joining it very, very soon.

In front of her, not sitting in the chair but standing on the table, was an alligator. A baby alligator by the looks of it.

It was a few inches tall, standing freakishly still and staring at her with unblinking eyes. Every so often its tail would flick forward and back, the only indication that it was actually alive.

Not too far off, Octavia heard the rancorous laughter of Vinyl Scratch.

“Wow Tavi, you found yourself a real stud with this one.”

The baby alligator’s tongue shot out of its mouth, flipping around and landing squarely on its eyeball. After a long, slow lick, the tongue slipped off its eye and darted back into its mouth.

“I think he likes you!”

Octavia’s eyelid twitched.

Ding.

Octavia reclined into the back of her chair, waiting patiently. She recognized the mare before her as Bon Bon, or at least, she thought it was Bon Bon. The Bon Bon she remembered was vibrant and happy, but this pony was somber at best.

Her usually swirly blue and pink mane was disheveled, her eyes sunken, and her head resting on the table despondently.

“Are you okay?” Octavia’s question cut through the uncomfortable silence.

“Not really.” Bon Bon shifted, turning her attention to Octavia. “I made a big mistake.”

“Oh.”

“I got into a fight with uh… a friend of mine. Now I don’t think we’re friends anymore.”

You know, I thought this was supposed to be a date, not a therapy session. Octavia took a deep breath, trying her hardest not to let that quip slip out. “What was your fight about?”

Bon Bon’s eyes darted to the left, then back to her. “I can’t tell you.”

Great. “Well uh, did you try apologizing?”

“Yeah, but she’s still upset, and I’m not entirely sure why. I mean, she’s not upset about… the thing, and she got to eat my special oats.”

“Maybe you should try talking it out with her instead of me,” Octavia muttered under her breath.

“I guess I could try that.” Bon Bon perked up a bit. “Last time we were just shouting a lot. Maybe if we just talked…”

“Good, try that. Oh, and one more thing.”

“What?”

Ding.

“... it was at that moment that I realized the catalyst for my flameless fireworks was love!”

Octavia nodded her head sluggishly as her cheek sank deeper into her hooves. She’d been listening the chestnut stallion prattle on for only half a minute, but it may as well have been half an hour. He hadn’t even said his name yet, he’d just jumped right in to a story about fireworks.

If his accent hadn’t been adorable she would’ve rung the bell by now.

“And so, if I ever want to present these findings to the scientific community, I’ll need to recreate the love that was present at the wedding, so I guess what I’m trying to say is…” He suddenly left his chair, kneeling down on the floor. Pulling out a tiny box and popping the lid off, he revealed a jewel-studded ring and held it up. “Will you marry me?”

“WHAT?!” Octavia flinched, nearly tipping over her chair.

“Will you marry me?” The stallion repeated, speaking slowly as if he thought she hadn’t heard him before.

“Wha— I— No!”

“Great whickering stallions!” He shook his head wildly. “Why not?”

“I don’t even know your name!” Octavia inched back, convinced that the stallion before her was completely insane.

“Oh, just call me Doc,” he replied, practically pushing the ring in her face. “So, how about it?”

Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding.

Octavia’s head was buried in her hooves. After a full hour of speed dating, the last of her suitors had finally dispersed. Several lingered, despite knowing they had no chance with her. They’d mostly stayed to indulge in some of the prime greasiness that was the Hayburger’s menu.

She felt a hoof pat her on the shoulder and looking up she saw the face of Vinyl Scratch.

“I think it’s safe to say this was a failure,” Vinyl remarked, offering her a consolation smile.

“Failure is too loose of a word for this.” Octavia managed to sit up before a yawn escaped her.

“Well, heh, on the positive side this means I can’t mess with your love life anymore.”

“I’m overflowing with joy,” Octavia deadpanned, too tired for sarcasm.

“Right well… I’m sorry you didn’t find a special somepony, Tavi.”

“Whatever.”

Vinyl shifted, sensing that Octavia didn’t want her around right now. ‘Hey uh, I was going to meet with Neon at the bar in a few minutes, are you—”

“I’ll be fine, just go.”

“Okay…” Vinyl walked off, her hoofsteps fading as she neared the door. “See ya at home, Tavi.”

Octavia gave a half-hearted wave as the door shut behind her friend, and she released a sigh of exhaustion. Seventy-six dates in under a little over an hour had taken a lot out of her. Her head was swimming with faces, names and miserable attempts at romance, with no end in sight.

She sighed and glanced around the room, able to recognized the ponies around her. Lyra and Bon Bon were wrapped in each other’s embrace, sobbing apologies back and forth. Thunderlane was inhaling what must’ve been his eighth order of food, with Minuette giving him a lecture about what fast food could do to his teeth. Even Doc had stuck around, as he whipped out his ring in proposal to a new mare: Rose.

She fainted immediately after, along with her two friends.

“Uh, hey. Is this seat taken?”

Octavia glanced toward the voice, only to see Derpy holding a tray of the concentrated cholesterol that the Hayburger dared call food.

“All yours.”

“Thanks.” Derpy’s perkiness managed to wake Octavia up, if only a little bit. “So, I take it you didn’t find a special somepony?”

She snorted out a laugh. “What gave it away?”

“I’m sorry.” Derpy gave her a hopeful smile. “I’m sure you’ll find the right pony for you someday.”

Octavia rolled her eyes. “To be perfectly honest with you, Derpy, I don’t even want a special somepony right now. The only reason I’m even here today was because Vinyl all but forced it on me.”

“Oh… I guess I had a hoof in that too then.” She winced. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine. Vinyl was just trying to get me out of the house for a while, anyway. Between you and me, she thinks I’ve become a reclusive hermit.”

Derpy shoved her hayburger in her mouth and took a bite. “Have you?”

Octavia paused. She had been spending more time in her house the past few months in pursuit of fine tuning her musical craft. Although she’d made great strides, it almost felt like she had isolated herself at the same time. All the ponies in the restaurant where denizens of Ponyville, yet she hadn’t even recognized a quarter of them when they’d shown up for their date.

“I… I guess I have, in a way.”

Derpy swallowed the next bite of her burger. “And would a special somepony fix that?”

“No,” Octavia answered immediately. “After the events of today, along with everything else Vinyl’s put me through, I know a special somepony won’t make me anymore social. At this point, the mere thought of it makes me want to lock myself in my room.”

“Oh.” Derpy popped the last of her meal in her mouth. “Well, how about just a regular old friend then?”

Octavia flicked her ears at the idea. Having another friend outside Vinyl would give her more incentive to leave the house. “I guess that could work, but I can’t really think of anypony who’d want to be my friend.”

“Uh, hello, you’ve got a super awesome potential gal pal right in front of you.” Derpy waved her hoof in front of Octavia’s face.

“You?”

Derpy nodded. “Yup. I… kinda need a few more friends myself. I mean, the only pony I would call a close friend is Doc, but…” They both turned to see the eccentric stallion in question. He was frantically fanning the three mares he had inadvertently knocked out. “He tried to propose to me today for some reason.”

“You too?” Octavia asked in shock.

They paused, and then immediately broke out into laughter.

“See, this is great!” Derpy managed through her giggles. “We already have something in common.”

“I suppose you’re right. All right, Derpy, let’s be friends.”

“Hooray!” She threw up both her hooves in celebration. “You wanna get some friendship muffins with me?”

Before Octavia could even reply, her stomach rumbled, clearly fed up with being tantalized by the scent of food for the past hour. The corner of her mouth tugged up. “Yes, let’s get some muffins.”

“Whoohoo!” Derpy grabbed Octavia and pulled her up, heading for the door.

Both their faces were locked in place with smiles.