Discord 007

by Ponyplay15

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Slice of Life
Length: 2604

When Rainbow Dash enlists Discord's help to spy on Twilight he realizes she may not be as boring as he thought

Discord is a creature that lives for chaos, for entertainment, for excitement! Unfortunately, those things are hard to come by in Equestria. Rainbow Dash enlists his help to spy on Twilight and her boyfriend, and Discord actually has fun! At Twilight's expense, of course

If you wish to avoid mature themes, the prequel is not necessary to enjoy this story.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-06-17 21:30:02 UTC

Discord's Fun Times

Twilight was a very boring pony. As were most ponies in this lame country. A few exceptions included Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie, and, apparently, Rainbow Dash. These were the thoughts mulling around in my head as I stared down at the so very colorful Pegasus.

“So? Are you gonna help or what?” Rainbow raised an eyebrow, waiting for my answer. Now, I had no problem with ponies coming to me for help with their mischief, but Rainbow Dash was a very special case. As was her offer.

“You want me to help spy on Twilight?” I asked one more time, just to make sure my ears weren’t malfunctioning again. Rainbow rolled her eyes.

“Yeah. I want to spy on her and her new boyfriend and I don’t exactly blend in.” She explained, motioning to her rainbow colored mane. Yes, that part was very much true. I rolled my eyes, placing my hands on my hips.

“Well I don’t exactly blend in either.” I declared, waving my claw up to my horns and the rest of my body. Rainbow grew a flat stare.

“I can see that.” Ouch. Not really. “I was thinking you could make us invisible or something. Don’t you have crazy powers?” She asked, her brow furrowing in frustration.

“Oh, don’t get me wrong. I live for the chance to cause some mischief. I’ve been wanting to spy on Miss Perfect almost ever since I met her!” I exclaimed, holding my paw to my chest. My face soon fell in annoyance. “Unfortunately, Fluttershy has set a no magic rule.”

“Don’t worry, I can talk to her. IF you agree to help me.” Rainbow Dash’s smile turned into a mischievous grin. You know, this is one of those days where I get along with somepony I normally despise. Like that time Fluttershy ACTUALLY got sick with the feather flu. Why, Angel and I worked together for days. It was a miracle, really.

“Alright. I’m in.” I patted her head with a smile before walking off. She trotted after me, still wanting to bother me. Well, I had things I needed to do.

“So should we-“ Before she could even finish I teleported myself back home, taking a deep breath and sighing. I walked over to my couch and turned on my TV, switching the channel to Twilight. Yes, I spied on my friends from time to time, but what’s the harm in that? It’s not like they’re doing anything illegal.

She was currently reading a book. I sighed in disappointment. This was always playing. Rerun after rerun, just book, book, book, spell, spell, spell, friend, friend, friend. It was always the same. Seriously, why doesn’t she do something interesting for once?

My eyes widened at the sight of a stallion in the background. He was currently arguing with Spike over something incredibly trivial, I’m sure. I zoomed in, turning up the volume as well. Ah yes, they were arguing about comic books. Such a simple thing to argue over.

Twilight’s face grew irritated as they continued to disrupt her peace and she eventually whirled around to give the two a sharp glare. Was that unicorn stallion her boyfriend? I believe Rainbow Dash had mentioned something about a boyfriend. I wasn’t really listening to her at the time. I was much more interested in spying on Twilight than wondering why I should.

If little Miss Perfect had a boyfriend…Oh yes. This could be good.

\\**///

You know what really livens up a day? Well, I know for a fact that it is not hanging around with a simple-minded pony while spying on another simple-minded pony whom you despise even more than the first. That is exactly what I was doing on a Saturday morning. A SATURDAY morning!

Rainbow Dash and I were currently hiding in a tree conveniently placed right above our two targets. Twilight…and that stallion that I didn’t know the name of. Rainbow Dash had mentioned his name, but I didn’t care. I really only listen to the interesting bits coming out of her braggart mouth.

Oh sure, you saved Equestria several times over. Maybe so, but you had help from FIVE other ponies, several of which being much more interesting than you. Sure, you were accepted into the Wonderbolts. I learned relative magical theory when I was only five years old! Sure, you’re best friends with THE Daring Do. I could’ve popped into that book at any time I wanted!

Ahem. Anyway, Twilight and this mysterious stallion were currently having a picnic (Well, I wouldn’t call it a picnic since there was no food and all they seemed to be doing was talking) and the mushiness was overwhelming. It was like I was watching a romcom! I even heard Rainbow blanch in disgust a few times. At least we agree on SOMETHING.

So, apparently this guy’s name was Cosmic. That sounded awfully simple for a pony name, so I assumed that was only half of it. After all, I do call Fluttershy ‘Shy’ from time to time. I also went through the ingenius idea of calling Angel Bunny Demon Bunny. Hah, humor. Anyway, back to the original thought, Twilight sure seemed mushy over him. He was the exact same way, and I honestly felt bad for the guy. He must have been miserable with such a boring pony like Twilight Sparkle. I bet no mare would date him so he became so incredibly desperate that he went to Twilight. It was really quite sad.

I nearly threw up in disgust when she kissed him on the nose. On the nose! Wait a minute, Fluttershy does that to me all the time. I have come to a sudden realization. That is a way ponies show affection. Huh. Strange, the last thing I want to do is kiss Fluttershy’s nose. I imagine Rainbow saw my confused look because she snickered. She is SO lucky I put that soundproofing spell on us.

“What’s so confusing?” She asked with a smug grin. I narrowed my eyes at her, not in anger but in fascination.

“Do ponies often do that? Kissing noses?” She shrugged at my question.

“I guess. It’s like a stupid way to say I like you. Like kissing your cheek.” She explained, keeping her casual demeanor as always. Yes, Fluttershy did that to me as well. Not often, but when she was incredibly happy she often pecked my cheek without realizing. I barely noticed as a smile spread across my lips. “What’s with that dopey smile?” To not blow my cover I lied through my pointy, pointy teeth.

“Nothing. I was just thinking about how stupid that is.” I smiled and turned back to the action, seeing her now nuzzling him. Ugh, these ponies sickened me. Actually, that churning might be something else.

“Look,” Rainbow Dash pointed her hoof towards the two as they started getting up. “They’re finally doing something!” The two started walking away from the oak tree we sat in, probably heading off somewhere boring. Probably the library, knowing Twilight. Now that I think about it, did they have another library besides the one Twilight lived in? After all, that one was destroyed and-

No. I’d rather not think of that day.

As we scuttled along after the two lovebirds (if only I could make that literal), we saw that they were headed towards a restaurant. Of course. We had run into them while they were on a date. Also, no wonder they didn’t have any food at the picnic. They had been saving it for this “classy” restaurant. Ha! Like you ponies know anything about fine taste! I’m actually surprised Ponyville had such a restaurant.

Anyhow, we watched from a bush as they sat down. I could see Rainbow straining her ears to hear what they were saying, so I kindly conjured a baby monitor to the bottom of their table. Don’t say I never did anything nice for you, Rainbow. After all, I could hear them perfectly fine. Twilight was talking about boring princess things, which Rainbow appeared to agree were extremely dull, before she mentioned something involving princesses that I’m actually interested in. Celestia. More exactly, Celestia messing up.

“So Shining Armor was busy talking to the Celestia in the kitchen, when the Celestia outside barged in through the door screaming about some cake obsessed copy. Apparently she was testing a new spell and accidentally made a copy of herself!” Twilight giggled at the thought. Ugh. That was less interesting than I thought it would be. Still, now I have some more material to tease Celestia with.

I turned to see Rainbow struggling to hold in a laugh. She stopped immediately upon seeing my flat look. Seriously Rainbow Dash, I thought you were cool there for a minute. Such was my mistake. I felt a twig scrape against my back and snapped my talons, causing the bush to become rubber. That’s better.

Cosmic chuckled before noticing the waiter standing next to them. I didn’t care to pay attention to what happened next. I casually let my mind wander, as it often does, and found myself thinking about Celestia cloning herself. Now that I think about it, it kind of is funny. Not comedy gold, but still humorous. I yawned in boredom, catching Rainbow’s attention.

“This IS pretty boring.” She agreed, lying down in our now rubber bush. I nodded, beginning to stroke my beard as I thought about what would liven up the scene. Perhaps if Cosmic knocked over his wine glass.

I grinned, narrowing my eyes at the…empty wine glass. Darn. Maybe if he knocked over his plate? No, they didn’t have any food yet. My eyes scanned the scene, looking carefully for any opportunity. A wide grin spread across my face when I saw Twilight’s wing twitch. Oh yes…

I refocused on the conversation, waiting for a perfect time to strike. The two were talking about how Twilight cam to be a princess. BORING! That’s when it happened. He placed his hoof on hers and looked into her eyes.

“Twilight, I-“ He was interrupted by the sound of ruffling feathers as Twilight’s wings took to the sky. I gently blew on my thumb with a wide grin. She started blushing like mad and apologizing, going on and on about how they were in public and how it was SO embarrassing. I let out a cruel chuckle.

“You made her do that?” Rainbow Dash asked, suddenly very interested with Twilight. I wrapped an arm around her, my grin only widening. I felt like the Cheshire cat.

“My dear, how could you underestimate my power? I didn’t do JUST that.” I turned back to the two ponies, where Twilight was shifting uncomfortably in her seat. Cosmic was awfully confused.

“Twilight, what’s wrong? Do you need to use the restroom or something?” He asked, his expression one of sheer confusion.

“No!” Twilight shouted, dropping her head on the table. Her tail swished wildly from side to side, her wings twitched, and her face was red. “I…I need to go home.

I couldn’t help rolling over in laughter at her very expression, let alone how she handled her problem. Rainbow Dash turned to me with a suspicious look. I looked back at her before winking. She blushed before turning back to the action with a grin.

“Discord, what the heck did you do to her?” She asked, her own wings twitching. I raised an eyebrow, but didn’t comment. It would be rude.

“Oh, nothing much. I just gave her a short bout of estrus, no big deal.” I conjured a movie theater cup, sipping on the contents inside. Chocolate milk, of course.

“You can do that?” Rainbow Dash asked in amazement, her expression turning to one of worry. I rolled my eyes at such behavior. Seriously, Rainbow, I’m the embodiment of chaos. I’m rather sure estrus is often followed with chaos.

“Twilight, our food hasn’t even come yet, and you want to leave?” I smiled as Cosmic tried to fight back. Twilight looked up at him with a cold stare.

“I really need to get home, Cosmic. Get a to-go box.” She growled. Cosmic’s eyes went wide as he realized what was going on. Yes, SOMEHOW Twilight was hit with a bout of estrus. Somehow indeed…

“A-alright!” He turned to wave a waiter over, catching the attention of a waitress. She trotted over, confused. “Could we get a to-go box, please?”

“A to-go box? This is a sit-down restaurant.” The waitress explained, confused as to why they were even asking.

“Yeah, well, the princess has very important things to do.” He looked her in the eyes. “So? Chop, chop.” The waitress ran off, their original waiter coming with the food. Cosmic smiled and sighed in relief. “Oh, great timing. We’re gonna bounce.” Twilight rolled her eyes.

“This is utterly hilarious!” I shouted, rolling onto my back. I shot back up, hoping Twilight had not heard me. Her scowl deepened, her ear twitching. Oh yes, she knew.

////

I currently sat on Fluttershy’s couch, being scolded by Twilight. I noticed she had a slight red mark on her flank. She paced in front of me going on and on about things I didn’t really care for.

“It is a rude invasion of my privacy! It was also breaking Fluttershy’s rules! No chaos magic to be used on ponies without their permission! What did you do, Discord? You cast a spell on me without my permission!” I simply nodded, as if I was actually listening. Well, I was HALF-listening. I was more concerned with Fluttershy baking cookies.

“They’re done!” She called from the kitchen. I was about to run over when Twilight yanked me back down to the couch.

“Those cookies are not for you, Discord. As punishment, Fluttershy has decided that we should eat your favorite cookies in front of you.” I gasped, staring at the tray of cookies as Fluttershy walked in. Macadamia.

“Fluttershy!” I whined, sliding along the couch to be extra dramatic. “You can be so mean sometimes!” I folded my ears to my head, gaining my puppy dog eyes. Fluttershy wisely kept her eyes closed.

“What you did to Twilight was mean, Discord.” She said after setting the cookies down on the table in front of me. Twilight happily floated one to her mouth. “You don’t know what estrus is like. You made Twilight go back into it after only a few weeks being back to normal. That’s very hard on the body and mind.”

“Oh…” I groaned, flipping over onto my back. “But do you have to eat them in front of me? That’s just cruel!” Fluttershy looked off to the side before her eyes grew soft.

“Oh alright, you can have one.” She handed me a cookie and I happily grabbed it from her, eating it immediately. Twilight’s face fell in shock.

“Fluttershy!” Fluttershy turned to her, a guilty look on her face.

“But…he’s sorry…” She whimpered, scratching the floor with her hoof. I nodded vigorously, grabbing another cookie.

“That’s right! I am very, very sorry! Please forgive me, Twilight.”

“No!” Twilight shouted. She rubbed the bridge of her muzzle, letting out a deep sigh. “Comsic will never forgive me for this…” She muttered.

“Oh, I don’t know about that!” I butt in, remembering the look on his face last night. “When I stopped by to apologize I saw him stumble out with a silly grin.” Twilight’s face turned red before she glared at me. “What?” I lifted my shoulders with an innocent expression. “I’m just saying he had fun!”