Tales of Yip

by Yip

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random
Length: 9560

Various snippets from stories that were discarded, story beginnings that never panned out, story ideas and other mish-mash

Various snippets from stories that were discarded, story beginnings that never panned out, story ideas and other mish-mash.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-06-17 19:44:16 UTC

Caneighda

Come on, Loonie! We need to go get our candy before all the little kids get them!

Hey, you wanna calm down? I'm getting the costume on as fast I can!

What are you supposed to be dressed up as? You look kind of orange.

Don't you see the jersey? I'm No. 99, Wayne Coltsky for the Antlerton Foalers!

That's the most overused costume for Canieghdians out there... besides, how are you supposed to scare people on a scary day if you look like the kind of pony to get an autograph from?

I'm a professional, eh? *snicker*

Oh yeah, looks we're on air. I think hosehead here pressed the button on accident when he bumped the recording table—

Oh yeah, go ahead! Blame it on me like you always do! Take off!

Without further ado, I'm Maple Canuck and this is my brother Loonie!

Coohoohoohoo! How's it going, eh?

Hey, that owl hooting thing was clever. Beauty intro.

Wow, a compliment! See, it’s a little scary when he’s being all nice! Getting in the spirit, eh?

Don’t you go tellin’ people that I complimented you. They’ll never let me live it down! Now, because my brother is all orange, you'd think he's getting in the Nightmare Night spirit, right?

Yeah! Just so you know, this is the Nightmare Night broadcast of our show!

I think they're aware, it's Nightmare Night for them too.

You never know with the Equestrians, though. I mean, they don't even hand out syrup on these nights!

I know, eh? It's completely ridiculous! How can you eat your chocolate and stuff without syrup?

See, sometimes you have proper taste like me. Sometimes.

Anyway, we figured we may as well talk here while we're getting ready to go trick-or-treating, since hosehead here takes way too long to get ready.

I've got a lot of stuff to put on, it's cold in Canieghda!

I know it is. I live here.

Oh, well then! We’ve got an expert here! ...So, I can't think of anything to do for this, what do you think Maple?

We could always do an expert column. I don't have anything planned until our Winter Solstice... event.

Keep that quiet, eh?

Okay. Now, Mr. Loonie, PhD—

No, I'm the asking guy.

Be my guest!

No, I won't be your guest! I'm the speaker guy!

I meant you're allowed to... you know what? Just do it.

Okay! We have a PhD in Scariness guy here to talk about Nightmare Night! What's your name?

I'm Maple Canuck, just as always.

Welcome Mr. Canuck! Pleasure to meet you on this scary day! Now, when did you start getting into the business world?

Well, it started with— wait, what? We're supposed to be talking about Nightmare Night! The audience wants it!

Okay, fine. Mr. Canuck, do you know how Nightmare Night began?

Well, I know something must've happened in Equestria with that one pony that one time.

Wow, that was an informative session!

Take off, no need for the sarcasm!

Sarcasm? I was going to go look up what you said!

...Are you kidding me? You know what, never mind. You're ready, we should start wrapping stuff up.

Sounds like a good idea. I have the fan mail for the day with me, maybe we can read it before we go?

Sounds good to me. Here’s one from... anonymous. Lovely. "How's it going, eh? I've always wanted to say that, teehee! Anyway, I really like your show! Maybe for Nightmare Night, you can take the microphone with you and broadcast your trick-or-treating! Wouldn't that be fun?"

That does sound like fun. I think we should do it! But can our microphone do that?

Do what?

You know... work when it’s not connected to the booth?

We’ll just use our Caneighdian magic! Nopony can see us, and they won’t even know how we’re doing this in the first place!

You’re just happy that the audience can’t see your hideous costume! What are you even supposed to be? All I see is some blue costume blanket thingy over you!

I’m Nightmare Moon! You know, with the wavy mane and the stuff she’s got on! I just dressed the sheets so that they’d look like her if I put them on.

Okay, whatever you say!

Jeez... anyway, we should be heading off. After we use our Caneighdian magic, stay tuned for our door-to-door excitement!

We’re just going to a few houses, though. It’s pretty cold outside!

Baby.

***

Here we go, our first house Maple!

Don’t get too giddy, eh?

‘Hi there! I’m— wait just a moment, aren’t you two a little old to be trick-or-treating?’

Nopony’s too old to enjoy Nightmare Night! You should get into the spirit and dress up! Oh, and you’re on the radio, too.

‘Excuse me?! You’re broadcasting everything I’m saying?’

Why, yes. As my brother Loonie said—

She slammed the door.

Yeah, thanks genius. I wasn’t aware that she shut the door straight in my face just as I was talking.

Just making sure! Can never be too careful, eh?

Ugh... just don’t talk for this one. Let me handle the talking, okay?

Fine.

‘My neighbour already warned me about you two. Get off of the street, or I’ll call the police!’

Wow, some ponies really don’t like the spirit of Nightmare Night being shoves in their faces.

You said it. We’re not even that old! Like... thirty! That’s fine, right?

‘Last chance!’

Okay, okay, we’re leaving! Come on, Loonie!

What a hoser, ruining our fun. We better not go to any more houses today, but maybe we can go next year!

Sounds about right. I sure wish ponies had the spirit with them on this day instead of the speed dial for the police department.

Yeah, it’s time to sign off for tonight—

‘Hi Loonie! Hi Maple!’

Oh, hi little colt! How’s it going, eh?

‘Well, I just wanted to let you know that you missed the hockey game. I just left my house after it ended to go trick-or-treating!’

Oh, I thought it was a fan for a second. Oh well— WAIT, WE MISSED WHAT?!

IT’S TERRIBLE!

‘Yeah, it was the Antlerton Foalers against the Trotonto Maple Leafs.’

AND?!

‘Trotonto beat Antlerton 7-1.’

NOOOOOO!

WORST NIGHTMARE NIGHT EVER!

THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE! HOW CAN THEY BEAT ANTLERTON?!

TAKE OFF, KID!

YEAH, YOU’RE A TERRIBLE LITTLE COLT!

‘Heh... I was kidding. The game was postponed to tomorrow, so that ponies like me could go trick-or-treating!’

…

‘Well, see you guys later! Have a good Nightmare Night!’

…

...Loonie, end the show.

The horror... that was the scariest thing I’ve ever heard...

End the show, Loonie.

Cooroo... Ah, just have a good Nightmare Night. We have to go cry ourselves to sleep, now.

You said it.

----------- CHAPTER 2 -----------

Ah, I think we forgot the bacon. Maple, how could you forget such an important thing?

Hey, hosehead! We're on the air, do it!

Oh, whoops! Silly me, eh? Cooroocoocoocoocoocoocoo!

Beauty. In case none of you know, which would make sense since it's our first broadcast, we're on the radio. I'm Maple Canuck, and this is my brother, Loonie.

How's it going, eh?

So, our producer wants us to do these little things every holiday or something, talking aboot stuff if he likes us today. Sounded pretty neat, so we took it.

It was my idea, don't let hosehead over here tell you otherwise!

Take off, we're both in this together.

Yeah, okay. When I get famous, you'll be looking for me for a job in the big time.

Now, we had to think of something to cover now, since it isn't a holiday today.

We decided to talk aboot anything we think of.

Exactly. So bear with us, and sit down for the show—

Listen to you talk, eh? I'm getting sleepy just listening to you go on and on...

Why'd you have to interrupt me? There you go, making me look bad.

Just hand me a pillow so I can rest. You know, I kind of like this situation. I could be naked for all you know— we could both be naked. You right there listening to us wouldn't have any idea.

Hey! You're scaring them away! Due to you, we won't ever get famous. Then what'll happen to that hit single you wanted to write at Christmas time?

I guess you're right. I could still be naked for all you folks know, though *snort*.

Take off.

So, we're ready for anything we think of. We've got a six-pack here and some back bacon on a portable stove if we want. Gotta keep happy, eh?

Hey, hoser! You forgot something!

What?

You're not wearing a tuque! You're clearly not part of the great white north.

I am too!

Whatever. Even if you aren't a true Caneighdian like me, you can still talk with me. I'll call you my guest, so it sounds like a real neat broadcast.

Okay. I'm Loonie Canuck, and I'm an expert on... wait, you never told me the topic! Why would you do that, making me look bad?

*snort* That was pretty funny. Anyway, I wanted to talk aboot them Equestrians down south.

Oh, well I'm an expert on them for sure!

Well, Mr. Expert, can you tell us aboot them?

Well, they're all weird and stuff. They don't even play hockey at all. I'm pretty sure they haven't even heard of Braeden Coltby or Boer Orr.

That sounds like a nightmare! What else can you tell us?

Their police don't have nice jackets like ours! They've got this weird blue colour to them— colour! That's another thing! They talk all weird! Their accent is weird, they say "zee" instead of "zed", they don't have a "u" in some words like colour...

You can't hear somepony saying colour differently.

Oh, yeah. But I see it in when they write stuff.

Wait a second, I think this topic was supposed to be our Caneighda Day topic scheduled if we last that long.

Oh, take off. Our listeners wouldn't remember after all that time, even if we do last that long.

Are you calling them stupid? That's not very nice.

We should talk aboot beer instead. I don't like where this conversation is going, eh?

I know what you mean. I just grabbed a cold one, and if you want one too, I'll put one on the table.

Thanks. Wait, what kind of beer is this? It doesn't have the Coltson logo on it.

Oh, I picked up a different kind, it's called "Cud Light". It's pretty popular in Equestria, so I decided to try it for myself, eh?

I suppose so. *sip* Ugh! This tastes awful! Is it made out of real cud or something? Take it back, hoser, or I'll make you drink both bottles!

If you folks haven't noticed already, my brother is a huge hosehead. He always takes my back bacon, he forgets his tuque, and he gets mad when I play a little joke on him like this. You see, folks, we like good beer. Goosehead, Coltson, Heelback, you name it. But that stuff that Equestria and beyond calls beer... it shouldn't be imported here. It tastes like back bacon was shoved into a cup of Tim Colton's worst coffee.

But we like Tim Colton's and back bacon, hosehead.

That is true. Have you been there recently? They have this new system that makes every size bigger. I think everypony there just wanted to stay awake for longer or something.

It's pretty cold out there, maybe they want to warm up.

You say that like it's a bad thing. Maybe if you had a tuque, you wouldn't mind the cold so much.

Tuques are a beauty, eh?

Indeed.

I bet you stole it from me, that's why I couldn't find it last night.

I bought this one this morning, you couldn't have owned it.

I'm a time traveller, eh? *snort*

Oh, you totally are. You've got the smarts to make a super cool time machine that is super complicated and stuff.

I'm a genius, haven't you noticed?

If you were a genius, you would've known that I said something sarcastic. If you were a genius, you wouldn't have dropped out of seventh grade. If you were a genius—

Hey, hosehead!

What? Why would you rudely interrupt me like that again?

I don't need a college education to be smarter than you!

You don't even have a high school education.

Why do you have to be so mean? I'm your brother, and you said we have to stick together earlier in the show.

Well you started it. I guess I'll stop it.

*snort* I knew that would work.

Okay, so that's the end of our show. No more time left to talk about anything. Good day— oh, we already have fan mail. Well how about that? Let's read it, Loonie.

Sounds good to me, eh?

It's from Twilight Sparkle in Equestria. It says "You guys were rude to Equestria earlier in the show. You shouldn't have said those things about us, they are completely untrue—"

Blah, blah, blah. How did she even send that so fast? It's like she has some sort of magic ability to send mail to us.

Yeah, but who cares? She's from Equestria. At least we did get some fan mail— hate mail, I guess— which means people listen to us.

I guess that's a good thing, because then we'll be famous someday, eh?

I guess so.

So that's our show—

That's my line.

Cooroocoocoocoocoocoocoo! That's our show for today, see you on the next holiday! Good day, I'm Loonie Canuck and this is my brother Maple!

Take off.

--------- CHAPTER 3 ---------

Hey, hosehead! Did you remember to get the turkey we wanted?

Yeah, but it wasn't very easy. Equestria is full of vegetarians that got all weird-like when I asked for one. It's like they haven't even heard of meat! And that means no back bacon!

Loonie, you are aware that you could've just bought it here, right?

I did buy it here.

But you still didn't have to go there to look for one. Wait, what were you doing over in Equestria, anyway?

Wait, we're on the air, you must've accidentally hit the record button!

No, uh, that was totally my plan all along. So, for all you folks out there, good day! I'm Maple Canuck and this is my brother, Loonie.

How's it going, eh?

Do that coo thing, I like it.

If you haven't noticed, I'm too busy cutting the turkey. It's not easy in a small recording room, eh?

Oh, on that note folks, the radio supervisor liked what he saw in us the last time you heard us. We got lots of fan mail, and that impressed him too. The other important ponies running this station didn't like our style much, but his word is law.

So here we are, eh?

I seriously think you're overdoing the whole 'eh' thing, eh?

Nah, I think we've balanced it oot enough, eh?

So the topic today, as you may have noticed, is Thanksgiving. At least, it is up here in the Great White North.

Yeah, they thought I was nuts in Equestria when I said it was Thanksgiving. Why wouldn't you have it earlier like us? You get to eat sooner, while you guys are getting all cold in your homes when you do eat!

Yeah, but we get cold all year, hosehead.

It's not cold! It's just overly hot down south!

Okay, whatever you say, eh? We can go along with whatever you feel. The last time you were here, you didn't even have a tuque on!

Because you took it from me.

We are not getting into this conversation again. It's supposed to be a thankful time, you know?

I'm pretty thankful for Caneighda. I mean, where else can you get the best beer and back bacon?

Not to mention this delicious turkey. Thanks for bringing it!

See? More thanks for Thanksgiving!

...We don't know much else about the holiday than what we've already said, folks. Just turkey and saying thanks is all we know, really.

Oh, I can be an expert again on the show and tell you all about it!

Take off, you know less than I do.

You're right! *snort*

So good day! We'll be doing this again come Halloween time, and it's sure to be a scarier—

Hold on a second, Maple. Why don't we read some fan mail we got?

Oh, yeah! We decided that we'd be answering a piece of fan mail every time we're here doing whatever we're doing.

Then hurry up and do it, I want some of that turkey!

Alright, calm yourself. We got this piece from Sunny Gaze on Everfree Isle. Where even is that, anyway?

How do you expect me to know?

Not sure. We must be pretty popular if we're really getting attention from places we haven't even heard of!

Some Equestrians don't even know where Caneighda is, it's not a big deal.

Alright, now for the letter... never mind. It's not important. So there's our Thanksgiving broadcast, hope—

Hey now, we said we'd read every fan mail!

It's none of your concern, Loonie— hey! Give that back!

"So, I've been wondering if Loonie Canuck was available. I just love the sound of his voice, it makes me squee all over!"

Ugh... see, folks; Loonie is an egotistical hosehead. If someone compliments him, he gets all showy.

Squee? What does that even mean? Let's continue! "I really don't like that other guy, the one who thinks he's better than Loonie. I wish it was just the Loonie show!"

And here it comes.

Beat that, you hosehead! My voice is better than yours! Who needs an education now?

Take off.

You're just jealous of my superior skill!

You know what? Cooroocoocoocoocoocoocoo!

Wait, what are you doing? Are you ending the show right after my moment of glory?

Good day, I'm Maple Canuck and this is my brother, Loonie!

I'm warning you! Take off!

Have a good Thanksgiving!

Fake Interview (Fun)

Where do you live?

Oot and aboot in the finest igloo loonies can buy. Gotta keep your protection from them icy winters, eh? Keeps me safe from the rogue polar bear family in town too.

What kind of work do you do?

I used to be a hockey player, but after knocking all of my teeth oot and breaking most of my bones at least twice, I figured that the back bacon business was booming up here in the Great White North. Been selling ever since, now I’m finally richer than that moose up the road!

...All I have up here as friends are animals. Please come and keep me company, even if only for a few seconds before you die from the cold.

How did you discover MLP?

I was oot and aboot with my beaver buddies, when all of a sudden one of them started making a ton of inside jokes with the other beavers. Something aboot “20 percent cooler”, so I followed them to their damn dam--I was quite surprised to see the show playing on their Iced TV®, so I popped in and watched a couple of episodes. Might not have liked it if I had watched The Cutie Pox first, where Apple Bloom spoke French. Damn Quebeckers.

Do you have a favourite episode?

Winter Wrap Up reminds me of Canada.

Favourite character?

Snails reminds me of Canada.

How did you come up with your handle?

My two coyotes were yipping and yapping away in the night for me to give them some of my esteemed back bacon, so I just figured that this handle worked just fine. Makes sense, eh?

Have you written in other capacities?

Didn’t have time when I didn’t have this back bacon industry. Now that everything’s automated with this fancy donut pulley system provided by Tim Hortons, I can finally write this stuff.

Marking Scheme (Reviews)

F: A story with absolutely no redeeming qualities, isn’t entertaining despite its terrible mechanics, plot and characterization, and overall isn’t even something I’d recommend ironically. No examples known.

D-: An F-rated story that has a couple of redeeming qualities. Nearly unreadable. No known examples.

D: A D-rated story is a funny apple, because it can either be something with a few redeeming qualities or a sliver of hope in one or two, or it can be something that’s absolutely terrible in a humourous manner. Generally if it’s the latter, then it’s done in a non-intelligent way that’s still funny. The intelligent trollfics/badfics would go in a higher category. No known examples.

D+: A D-rated story that shows promise in one category. Any category. Still no way this is getting recommended to anyone. No known examples.

C-: A C-rated story that fans of the genre might pass on due to controversial nature, abundant typos, or anything in between. No known examples.

C: C-rated stories normally would only cater to fans of a particular genre, and outside of that, not many will want to read them. It could do one of a multitude of things: it could be a cookie cutter idea made to pander to a certain audience a la LOHaV universe (although there can be exceptions); it could be a story that tries too hard to be something it isn’t; it could be completely absent of something important like characterization, even though there is some merit to things like mechanics or an engaging plot. No examples known yet.

C+: Generally, C+ stories are C-rated stories that have a shining beacon in the darkness that renders it more than readable to people that like that particular genre. Otherwise, it carries out like a C-rated story. An example of this would be ROBCakeran53’s My Little Dashie due to the writer's excellence in emotional play but fails in many other regards including believability, rational plot progression, and cheap clichés.

B-: A B-rated story that has everything done to a satisfactory level with one or two sub-par ideas, or one that does everything to a slightly sub-satisfactory level. Stories here can have strong elements marred by a terrible showing in another. An example of this would be Stormy Nights by Void Chicken due to its strong ability to tell a riveting story with strong characterisation and a mechanical element that falls incredibly flat and feels dry.

B: A story that, at base level, warrants an upvote. Generally B-rated stories are either stories that could have been excellent were it not for a crucial crippling error, several non-essential crippling errors or it could be a story that does everything to a satisfactory level. An example of this would be A Long Night by Idylia, as it does exactly what it wants to do in few words and strives to be nothing else. No risk, no loss.

B+: A B-rated story with just enough extra to warrant a favourite and an upvote, whether it’s due to one element being even more exceptional than a B-rated story would be or has everything just the slightest bit better. Home by RBDash47 is a good example of a B+ story due to its all-around excellence and particular emphasis on certain symbols that enhance the reading experience.

A-: An A-rated story is essentially an excellent story with no major shortcomings and is only held back by a lack of ambition to be something greater than simple fiction. Usually appeals to a certain audience and is highly recommended to all readers of any genre. An example of an A story is Eakin’s Hard Reset, which has quite possibly the most exciting tale on the site and features some strong mechanics, but feels a tad clunky in some sections, especially the romantic subplot.

A: A story with incredible excellency pertaining to multiple different categories, including but not limited to an engaging plot, well-done mechanics and beautiful characterization. Nothing is done poorly here, and one or two elements of storytelling is done extraordinarily well. Warrants a fave, and upvote and a follow.

A+: A story with such incomparable features that fans of any genre and of all types will enjoy this one and then some. The mechanics are impeccable, the plot is entertaining and memorable, and the characters are consistent and generally two-sided. Bonus points if this story can fit within the MLP universe, but even if it can’t, it shouldn’t detract from such an outstanding read. No element of this story is done poorly, and all of them are at least excellent with several of them being done to extraordinary levels. The best stories on the site, and warrant a favourite, an upvote, a follow and whoring it out to the masses. An example of an A+ story is ColdinGardez’s The Glass Blower.

The Royal Guard Test (Reviews)

A Day in the Life of Average Statistic

Right off of the bat, we’re put into an introduction detailing us with all sorts of expository details about a typical pony, Average Statistic, concerning how painfully average he is:

“He spends his free time reading the newspaper, ensuring his apartment room is as neat and orderly as it could be, working on some of the accounts he manages at the bank, paying his taxes, and doing the numerous other tedious day to day activities the normal citizens of Equestria do.”

The dull, very tell-y tone of the first section (before the break) is essentially negated by the section after, which effectively shows how habitual and boring his mornings are:

“At first, his hoof fell just a few inches short of the clock, hitting the side table just like every morning, before he successfully managed to hit the off button the second try.”

We’re introduced to gems like these, which allows the reader to infer that he has a very boring, typical life. It’s a strong case of showing vs. telling even if the writer is doing both at separate parts of the story, which introduces a case of redundancy. The first section also has a few grammar quips on its own, including a couple of tense issues:

“Average’s special talent is finance. Specifically, his job was to balance checkbooks and other accounting duties which he performed...”

Where Average’s special talent is, at that moment in the story, finance, but then the reader is made to believe that, in the context of the present, his job was to balance checkbooks, etc (past tense). It’s questionable whether the tense change from present to past tense after the first break works the best, but it can get by if the introduction is put into the past tense. Besides that, there’s another case in redundancy right before and right after the break:

“Just like his entire life.” and then “This day in Average’s life began just like the ones before it.”

The subsequent several paragraphs do an alright job at furthering this monotonous lifestyle, even if it does trudge on a little and could probably be skimmed down before the reader loses interest. There’s a bit of a problem with passive voice, one example being the following:

“Upon reaching them, he peered through the curtains and looked out...”

This—and the other times—that passive voice is used can be remedied by making it active, which would be “He peered through the curtains once he had reached them, and looked out...”. The passive voice makes the story even less active to the reader, and could negatively impact their interest in the story further.

There are a couple more iffy grammar and style moments found early on, coupled with the occasional awkward sentencing, but as the story goes on, it’s not too terrible:

“...despite the fact he aspired to make sure it didn’t.” —when it should be “the face that he”.

“...as he inspected his face and smoothed down any wayward hairs in his coat in an attempt to make himself look halfway decent.” —tell-y.

“He would’ve preferred to stay in the shower longer than he had, even despite the cold water,” —even despite is redundant and invalid, as you would use “despite” or “even though the water was cold”, but not a combination of them both.

These are just a few examples out of several, but again, it’s not too terrible.

Now then, putting aside the general grammar and style concerns hovering around the story—most notably in the introduction, as mentioned before—it felt quite beige, that is to say every line feels too brief, feels too straightforward for the reader to enjoy it. It’s understandable what you’re trying to do with this story, but it still doesn’t change the fact that the premise is, by default, slow, overdone and often a little forced to try and make some sort of impact on the reader.

For what it’s supposed to do with the premise, though, it was quite well done. Average is essentially representing every one of the middle-to-lower class ponies in Equestria, which in itself is a great theme to explore. The way you showed this is through Average’s reactions; we see the events going on in the story as quite menial, but we notice when he casually encounters them without being bothered in the slightest. It’s one of those “one image is worth a thousand words”, except it’s more like “one reaction is worth a thousand images”, which can definitely be explored by readers further as a world where his reactions mean that Average is used to the tedious life he lives, or it could mean that he finds mediocrity to be his bliss.

Because of the slow pace, a good portion of readers might not enjoy it. A smaller group would read it thanks to the value to realism and detail the story provides, which can be thought-provoking and interesting to consider. The beige prose and iffy start, though, makes me consider this a pretty close pass for The Royal Guard—if the redundancy of the beginning and maybe some thoughts/reactions are expanded on in subsequent edits, then I see no reason why something of this quality can’t make it into the group.

Torn Between

(Before filling out this review, I winded up reading 2 chapters—the first will be the one touched on the most).

There are some mechanical faults in the first few paragraphs of the first chapter, which I’ll expand on after I mention a crucial mistake made evident in the very first sentence:

“Normal days tend to be a occurrence that can draw itself out into a normal week, a time of casual smiles filled with opportunities to get work done and take the time to appreciate the simple pleasures life can bring.”

We’re subjected to something that already breaks our concentration on the story, as an inconsistent style of the writer being really “close” to the reader per se (that is to say the writer is mentioning a fact directly to the reader as if he were speaking it himself) often does. The story slowly delves into some descriptions that more tell a story than deliver straight facts, but it’s rather difficult to get back into it once the focus has been broken.

Back to the mechanical issues regarding that first paragraph:

“The lavender pony stood as the center...”

And also shown in the paragraph after:

“With his green spines and purple, reptilian body, Spike resembled a childish variation off a B-rated monster novel...”

These two sentences are cases of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, where a character (in these cases, Twilight and Spike) are referenced in multiple different descriptions, with Twilight having already been described as her name and later on as a purple mare, etc and Spike being described as a grumbling dragon and by his own name. These examples and more can be fixed by using pronouns corresponding to each individual character, or using their names while appropriate; try counting every example where a character is referenced in a chapter and restrict the number of ways you can describe them to two essential ones.

I won’t link the entirety of the story, but it’s apparent that it’s incredibly telly:

“Spike looked at the afternoon sun blazing outside and longed childishly for the freedom of all the ponies he saw wandering about in their daily lives; he wanted to do anything other than waste his precious time relocating dusty old books.”

This runs rampant throughout the first chapter, and I took a look at future chapters briefly—it doesn’t stop at the start of the next chapter. What you’re doing, author, is telling us how Spike feels (and telling many other things, but this pertains to the quoted sentence) without giving us anything to infer on, leaving the whole thing uninteresting and quickly put down by a great deal of readers. What you can do is have Spike look out the window, go outside, etc and sigh (or equivalent, where applicable) at others having fun—or, better yet, have him take a look at the bookshelf, then glance out the window or imagine ponies having freedom, and sigh. That shows what he feels instead of telling us.

“The owners of the shop, a gray mare with an air of pure classical music and a pale unicorn who seemed to exude the word "rave", always made Spike wonder about the stability of the shop; always arguing about music and yet somehow retaining friendship,”

There also seems to be a problem with semi-colons as noted above. While this particular one can get by, as the two clauses are related, it’s the second example of semi-colon usage in the same paragraph, and overuse of any punctuation mark is generally never a good thing. It promotes clunkiness, break of flow and awkwardness.

And, even though it’s correct in theory, your paragraphs are structured without a space between them in conjunction with very large text sections. Not having spaces in your formatting while having these long paragraphs can lead the entire thing to look like a wall of text, which becomes rattling and difficult to read from. Shortening the paragraphs (the sections themselves also seem to suffer from droning on and on about pointless material) or adding spaces in between them can help to solve this issue.

A few other grammar and style quips:

"I, uh-",—No comma necessary, as it’s both outside the quotation marks and an interruption was already initiated.

“...antics by each passing minute, "Of course, Spike, cool your jets."”—Does this sound like something Twilight would say to Spike? Very out of character, and easy to fix.

"Well",—Another example of comma misplacement for dialogue.

Besides the technicalities mentioned above, I found the majority of the story to be quite lacking. The characterization could use some definite work—the actions and dialogue of Rarity and Twilight specifically, which made them feel more like husks of their predetermined personalities instead of themselves. However, with that, I did find that Spike was done quite well. His obliviousness, childish attitude (in a sense) and overall confusion seem to fit the mark pretty closely. But, because of the lack of proper characterization with other characters, the interactions between Spike and the world feel slightly off, as it were.

The paragraph right above took a bit from the second chapter, which also (mostly) echoed the technical issues from the first. The shipping element of Spike having two different possibilities is quite overdone, and the execution is really what would make or break this fiction; as it is now, with the technical awkwardness and poor characterization/story flow, it’s a pass for The Royal Guard.

A Faded Touch of Blue

Few technical errors can be found in this piece, but there some confusions with conventions that generally aren’t changed for stylistic preference:

“Her coat was pearly white with shades of yellow in it: her mane a velvet black color,”—Colon misuse, should be a comma as it’s two parts to describe her body in the same clause.

“At first stumped, she remembered the ticket given to her by an old pony she met by chance inside the city.”—This (it continues for a bit) and other similar examples, although not too common in the story, still “tell” something when it is much better shown by some other means. This example isn’t too bad, and really informing the reader with it is acceptable, but it’s slightly worse in a few other spots.

I also found it quite interesting that “hoofs” was used instead of “hooves”. I recognize that it’s purely a matter of preference, just as single/double quotes for dialogue would be—but they’re the same in that single/”hoofs” are not commonly used, and the unorthodox spelling shook me a little bit.

Besides those and very minor grammar quips, it was a solid story mechanically.

The introduction was very smooth, one that I found to have a good amount of detail and hook to keep the reader interested. Nothing in the first several minutes of reading is particularly “gripping” enough to warrant surprise, but it’s still a competent beginning. The detail to the garments that the main character, Moxie, are described longer than most clothing would—but this importance is clearly shown as essential to the story. Moxie feeling restricted in her decisions, as made by others, is partly shown in these descriptions.

The characterization was strong and consistent. Moxie’s experiences out in the public were, as mentioned before, quite telly, but it doesn’t detract very much from how she experienced them and how this makes an impact in the present-day prose. She is made exactly to be someone from Saddle Arabia, and the comparisons between her and her parents is made quite clear—at the same time, her personal thoughts on her own ponies’ customs make her more than a single-dimensional character.

Another interesting point is how you were actually able to integrate her experiences and tell Moxie’s story at the same time as describing how different the societies are in Equestria and Saddle Arabia. World-building and societal commentary? A strong combination, and done quite well.

The grammar is solid, the characterization is consistent and smooth and the subject matter is interesting and does more than just one thing. This story has my approval for entry into The Royal Guard.

Synopsis Creation (Guide)

Selling a fic to the masses of users on this site is pretty well the only way to attract a reader. Whether it's an intriguing synopsis that you made, or it's a quick, funny synopsis to get a reader interested fast, you need to take some time so that you get the maximum out of your fic. It isn't all smooth sailing, though; synopses generally become a challenge for most, since they can't get the right wording out to make a sufficient hook.

First things first, the stuff you should NOT do: make a summary or a play-by-play of the story. This makes it incredibly boring, and only a good cover art could salvage someone's interest at that point. The synopsis is supposed to catch a reader's attention, not read a condensed version of the story (which is also sure to spoil some crucial plot elements). Here's an example of what not to do concerning hockey, my nation's national sport and my personal religion:

"The hockey team defeats a team, climbs the rankings and eventually gets beaten in their own arena because they were cocky."

Unless you're a smartass and this is the opening scene of a story (still terrible though), this is a bad synopsis. You’ve already essentially been told what the climax is, and for all intents and purposes, the story is finished. Reading it would provide a much weaker, less exciting reaction when things happen. A good synopsis includes a hook, possibly with a concluding hook to leave you hanging, a non-descriptive version of the major plot element and a sense for the main character(s) all wrapped up neatly into a paragraph (possibly in a different format than a paragraph, fiddle around with it) that makes your readers think your story is up to the tag, that it's original and that it has an interesting plot. Of course, the exceptions to these rules are if you are going for a comedic approach, where you try and say something really quick and comical, or whatever else that seems appropriate for a different kind of synopsis (use your personal judgement—if you feel determined to write more of that story, whether you’re finished or not, it’s probably effective).

An example of the above statement, for a normal length synopsis, is shown here:

"Twilight is invited to Canterlot to compete with some of the greatest magicians in the world for the Moonstone Cup, a prestigious award for the most powerful and skillful magicians, unicorn and otherwise. Can she win? What sort of competition will she face?" ~Moonstone Cup, Cyanide

This synopsis captures what the story is about, which is the tournament itself in The Moonstone Cup; it tells you fluidly that Twilight is the central character and it leaves you with a moderately effective hook to conclude with. This is a great example of a good, normal synopsis. But if you are writing something different from the norm, or it would just fit the story better, then a one-line or a very short synopsis is most likely your best bet. In either case, you'd explain a brief point that would hook the reader easily or leaves a hanging question effectively. Here are two examples, the first being a serious synopsis and the second a comedic one:

"The Night Guard are as efficient as they are enigmatic, but it takes the curiosity of a recruit to discover that some things are simply best left unsaid." ~What Must Be Done, Vargras

"Pinkie Pie was having an average day. For her." ~NoIdea.Story, Anon

They are both one-shots, but the first one introduces one briefly to the batpony culture while still keeping the reader curious about the recruit, since there's just enough information to leave the reader hanging but not enough to tell them any crucial plot points. This can be effective to some, as the utter lack of explanation can leave the potential reader wanting a lot more, or it can crash and burn to someone who doesn’t want to waste their time with something they know very little about.

The second is effective because it used the fandom's knowledge of Pinkie being insanely crazy, so readers will know that it means hilarity and will want to read.

That's how you write a synopsis. If you are reading this, you no longer have an excuse to make a bad synopsis. Now go, write me a synopsis for the ages! Have any questions? Just ask me. Need a synopsis written? Hell no.

Queue Training (Guide)

You click on one of the cells (the boxes) in the google spreadsheet, you eager prereader you, and you see a formula shows up at the top. What is that strange, otherworldly thing? Suddenly, you click on it. Everything changes. A value that used to say “5” now says “420”. What do you do?

Well, you’d normally call Yipyapper or ChromeMyriad. Oh, but they’re he’s gone doing coding things, or they he died is off curing cancer! What do you do now, you big screw-up you?

Let’s learn how to use Google Sheets using a chronological process:

First, the information that gets sent into the submission form is pasted onto the lowest row on the “Tier One” page. You can see a timestamp, the name, etc—as a note, that =GoogleClock() thing in the timestamp? Your first formula. The equal sign (=) tells you that the cell is equal to the method—or “command”, “function”, “formula”, whatever you want to call it—which here equates to what the current time is. GoogleClock() is your first method.

From then on, queue stuff happens. You reject a fic, and it gets sent all the way to the rejected section. Here’s where some data really gets going!

On the PR Stats page, some information is fetched from the rejected stories (T1) tab. As an example, I’ll use Yipyapper’s formula, =COUNTIF('Rejected Stories (T1)'!J:J,A15) to get his number of rejected stories for the current period of time. What could all these things possibly mean?! IT’S NOT MY JOB TO FORMULA YOU CANADIAN PRI—

Eh. Anyway, you might need it for whatever reason, so here’s what each part of this line does:

=COUNTIF(X, Y) is a formula used to count how many instances of something you want to find are in a range of cells. X is the range you’re looking for, and in the case of:

=COUNTIF('Rejected Stories (T1)'!J:J,A16)

...then ‘Rejected Stories (T1)’ (the text has to match the sheet letter for letter) has a ! after it to signify that it’s fetching cells from that sheet. It then looks in the range of J:J, and if you look at the Rejected Stories (T1) tab, then it’s one column. Gee, we’re looking in the “claimed by” column! Now we have successfully set a range for the formula to derive information from. We can also expand by saying, say, J:L, which looks in columns J, K and L, but we don’t need to. J will do just fine for now.

But now we have to specify what to look for, which is what Y is for in the =COUNTIF(X, Y) statement. In Yip’s case, it says “A15”, but no other text. That means it’s in that sheet, and it’s only one cell. If you know coordinates, then you can find A15 on the PR Stats page... oh, Yipyapper is in that cell! Now you can see that it looked up that exact text and finds every instance of it in the J column inside the Rejected Stories (T1) tab. If you wanted to do this for, say, Golden Vision, you’d say A2 because that’s where his name is.

What this does is return all instances of when this condition is met, and returns a number. If my name comes up for 5 rejected stories, it will leave a value of 5. Hurray, we did formula!

But what about all that other scary stuff in the other sheets?

Well, Billy/Kyle/Bobby Joe, that’s done in a similar way. The “Passed (T1)” column in the PR Stats sheet uses countif statements, too (note that capitalization doesn’t matter. Yip likes to caps the methods and Chrome doesn’t):

=COUNTIF('Tier-Two Stories'!J:J,A6) + countif('Rejected Stories (T2)'!J:J,A6) + countif('Approved Stories'!J:J,A6) + countif('Approval Pending'!J:J,A6)

...is the command there. It may look daunting, but it’s merely just this format:

=COUNTIF(X, Y) + COUNTIF(X, Y) + COUNTIF(X, Y)

...but using very similar stuff to the one for rejected stories. What this does is look for what’s in A6, in this case ToixStory, and looks in Tier-Two stories for J column, Rejected Stories (T2) for J column and Approved stories for J column, all of which are the columns for “Passed (T1)”. Huzzah, we learned!

(Also I forgot Approval Pending in the explanation but whatever, you get the point).

So, let’s take some more looks at the formulas (which you can just type into the cell and have it happen—don’t forget the = sign though). The T2 stats are a little different!

=countif('Rejected Stories (T2)'!R:U,(A11 & "A")) for Rejected stories in T2, but this isn’t rejected stories. It’s the formula for approved stories for Kaldanor, who is in the 11th row of the PR Stats page. The only difference is the “&” sign, which is simply adding the text in the double quotation marks (“”) and adding it to A11. A11 is Kaldanor, so this equates to KaldanorA. The formula now looks in R:U columns in Rejected Stories (T2) for KaldanorA, which will return a value of every time Kaldanor approved a story but had it rejected!

Aw, it returned a number higher than 0. That means people failed what he enjoyed.

But anyway, back to the matter at hand. How does the KaldanorA actually happen inside Rejected Stories (T2)? Well, as you may have noticed, the R:U columns are not where people claimed them. The R:U ones are empty of a header. How does that work?

Well, it does get values from the K:N columns, which are where people claim the stories—you can see a similar thing happening in the Tier-Two Stories sheet if the rejected stories sheet is empty. Let’s look at the formula:

=(left(K5,search(" ",K5)-1)) & if(iserror(search("approved",K5)),if(iserror(search("rejected",K5)),if(iserror(search("pend",K5)),"","P"),"R"),"A")

...That is a doozy. Let’s break it down into chunks!

It starts off with brackets and no method. This means that the value of the cell is equal to whatever is laid out. If it said =hue, then it would return as hue. The brackets are to show that all of the stuff inside of them will equal something, and the & sign means that the thing after it will be added to that something.

In this case, it’s GarnotA we’re getting back in the Tier-Two Stories sheet. To find Garnot, we use the first side of the equation, which is (left(K5,search(" ",K5)-1)). What this does is use a left function that uses the base left(X, Y) where X is the start of what you want to get and Y is the end of what you want to get. In this case, we want X to start at G for Garnot and Y is t for the last letter in his name.

K5 is equal to X, so it starts off with G and keeps going until it has a stopping point, which is Y with search(" ",K5)-1), which can also be search(A, B). The search function looks for where the A value is, and B is where it looks as a range. Because B is K5, it looks in cell K5 for a space, as shown by “ “, the A value. You can also use “butts” or “wow”, but we don’t need those now. It finds the “ “ and returns that location for a stopping point, so now we have Garnot_ returned.

That’s where the -1 comes in. Because the Y of the left function has an -1 on it, the location of the stopping point goes one space back. Now we have Garnot. Success!

But that second part looks awfully worse than the first. Let’s deal with it in simple terms, shall we?

if(iserror(search("approved",K5)),if(iserror(search("rejected",K5)),if(iserror(search("pend",K5)),"","P"),"R"),"A")

This one looks like a killer. iserror? if? WHAT IS GOING ON—well, you see search(). That’s familiar I guess, right? It’s always nice to see familiarity. Always.

Anyway, we’ll break this into chunks. We’re trying to find out if it’s P for approval pending, R for rejected or A for approved, right? Well, if you notice, the three instances of “if” each include a section of their own. Let’s look at some syntax:

if(X, Y, Z) and iserror(A, B).

The IF() statement is possibly the most used one in all of coding—it takes an argument, X, and if it works out to be true, then Y happens. If it works out as false, then Z happens. It’s a little muddled with all of those parentheses, but the first if statement has a very large amount of words for X and then results in Z if it’s false, which is “A”. How this specific formula works is a little tricky, in that it’s a ladder of tests with ISERROR to see if any of the 3 letters at the end will happen, which are the three Z values of the if statements.

So let’s downsize it a little to simplify that complex blurb I just made. For “P” as a Z value, you have the formula IF(ISERROR(search("pend",K5)),"","P"), where iserror(search("pend",K5)) needs to return false. If it’s true, then “” happens. This returns either “P” or “” to the end of Garnot. To find out what ISERROR does, we need to break that down too (too many breakdowns for my mind):

ISERROR(X), where X checks to see if something works out fine. If it works fine and we find—using the search value—that “pend” is in the K5 cell (which is what we want to find if the prereader marked it approval pending), we get false returned, which will in turn give us “P” like we want because the Z value happens if the statement is false. If pend isn’t there, it returns “”. Then we are sad. If we don’t find “pend”, then it returns true as an error, because it’s checking to see if there is an error. Understand that? ISERROR = is there an error?

This is a boolean. You have seen integers, which are just basically whole numbers, and elsewhere you have probably seen decimals, which are doubles/floats/whatever. A boolean is a variable like it, except it only has two values, 1 and 0 (or true and false).

Anyway, back to things. So we just used an if statement, and now that you understand those two formulas, we have knowledge about the entire operation. So let’s go back to the original thing and break it down again:

if(iserror(search("approved",K5)),if(iserror(search("rejected",K5)),if(iserror(search("pend",K5)),"","P"),"R"),"A")

What this does first is check and see if “approved” is in the K5 box. If it isn’t, then ISERROR returns true—which means the Y value in if(X, Y, Z) happens, since the Y value is if the X value is true. If it’s false (so we do find “approved” and NOT get an error), we ignore all of Y and go straight to Z, which is “A”. We just got GarnotA.

We basically do the same thing for every instance we need, so the entire Y statement of the original if() function is doing the same thing—except this time, returning “R” if “rejected” is found and going to the 3rd if statement as mentioned above if there isn’t “rejected”. Note that if the search value sees one typo, it won’t find the proper word. So “rejcted” will mean that you done goofed. So spell properly. You’re a prereader, you should be able to spell “rejected”.

Got all of that? I hope you did. It was a mouthful. The only other things used in the doc are stuff like =SUM(X, Y, Z, etc) for however many times you want to add things, so if you put in =sum(B11:F11) in the PR Stats page, then you’d add up all of the stuff in cell B11, C11, D11, E11 and F11. The other thing used is =COUNTUNIQUE(X), which does the same thing as =COUNTIF except it counts how many times a unique text is shown in the range, which is X. So if the range was B:C, and there were 3 filled in cells in those two columns that say “lol”, “lel” and “lol”, then it would return as 2.

Well, I guess you know that * is multiplication, + is addition, / is division and - is subtraction. But that’s straightforward.

Hope this helped, TRG prereader! Enjoy your use of Google Sheets’ formula functions!

~Yipyapper

Fimfiction: The Gathering (Fun)

Creatures (Users)

(3) Meeester - 3/1, Rejection: Immediately sends any creature on the field back to the opponents’ hand.

(5) Knighty - 4/4, New Feature: Look in your deck for any instant card, put it in your hand and shuffle your deck.

(4) Xaquseg - 4/4, Server Overload: No creatures or sorceries can be used this turn. Xaquseg gains a -1/-1 counter.

(4) Alexstrazsa - 3/3, Nicolas Cage: If Nicolas Cage is in your deck, pick it out and shuffle the deck. Then, you can either play Nicolas Cage as a 2/2 creature or exile it and put a 2/2 counter on Alexstrazsa. If Nicolas Cage is not in the deck, Alexstrazsa gains a -1/-1.

(4) RainbowBob - 2/2, ~IMAGINATION~: For every enchantment or sorcery that is on the field, RainbowBob gains a +1/+1 counter.

(2) Pen Stroke - 2/2

(4) SS&E - 3/3, Prolific: All sorcery and instant cards now cost 1 less beards to cast, to a minimum of 1.

(1) darf - 2/1

(1) Regidar - 1/1

SleeplessBrony - 2/1, Awkward Boner:

Bronystories - 3/1, Dark Boner:

(4) Blueshift - -3/-3, Stubborn: Cannot be removed from the field or be the target of an opponent’s attack, spell or otherwise.

device heretic - 1/1, Ragequit: If you have a blogpost card, ragequit.

(4) Obselescence - X/X, The Bearded One: X is equal to the number of beards you have untapped as of an attack or a block. Does not tap any beards.

Kkat - 2/1, Creepyish:

TAW - 1/1, Forgotten Wonder:

Wanderer D - 4/2, Bitchslapper of the Ignorant:

Professor Plum: 2/1, Sarcastic Overlord

Instants

Banned! - Selected creature is exiled from play until Banned! is removed from the field.

Fimfic Gold -

The Sequel - Not As Good As The Original:

Mature Tag - Selling Out: Gain 10 life, discard cards from the top of your deck equal to your life after using Mature Tag

Teen Tag - Playing It Safe:

Everyone Tag - Wearing A Helmet:

Nicolas Cage -

(1UU)400 Unread Chapters- Counter target spell

Sorcery (Fics)

The Glass Blower - Underrated Story: If selected creature has less than 4 toughness and attack, both toughness and attack doubles.

Hard Reset - Time Travel: All players return their life count to its original value.

Fallout Equestria - something apocalyptic

Orphanloo - Cheap Feels: Selected creature gains a +2/-2 counter.

120 Days of Blueblood - Oh Sweet Jesus Why:

Background Pony - What?: Enemy loses x turns