Double Agent

I don't even know why I'm writing this.

Oh, wait, yes I do. It was Princess Mi Amore Cadenza's idea that I should get my feelings down on paper. I don't know who made her ruler of that particular whimsy. I thought she was the princess of luuurrve, not psychiatry. To be honest, I even have doubts about that particular moniker. For one thing she has horrible taste in stallions. No imagination, that girl. I mean, you embody romantic love and passion and you choose a CAPTAIN OF THE ROYAL GUARD. Could you be anymore cliché, Cadance? The only way you could is if he rescued you from a dragon and carried you off on horseback.

Alright, he is kind of dishy, but it's the kind of dishy that looks attractive at first until you realize how boring it is and you become so frustrated you start fantasizing about King Arthur instead of Lancelot.

It doesn't matter who those people are, and don't ask me.

Anyway, I kind of lost track there. So, yeah. I'm supposed to be writing about my fee fees because apparently this will help me better integrate into pony society and understand my relationships with people I know.

I'm just gonna be honest here, once and for all. The only ponies I'm even slightly curious about understanding are Fluttershy and Twilight. And possibly Spike, though he isn't a pony. I will admit I am a little curious about Pinkie. How did...? I mean, even I don't understand it. Maybe I need to root around in that dust heap Twilight calls a library, but that's a purely professional interest.

I find Twilight intriguing. A new alicorn Princess who is meant to be Equestria's saviour or some such. Celestia has big plans for her and I want to know what those are.

Fluttershy is...Fluttershy is...

Maybe I'll talk about that later. Once I've figured it out.

In any case, this is part of my reformation or whatever you call it. Not only has it been suggested to me that I write about my feelings, but that I write about things that have happened to me in the past. How bloody tragic. You know, sometimes I can't remember what happened 5 minutes ago or what I had for lunch.

"Just think back to your earliest memories" she had told me.

I'm not even sure what my earliest memories were.

Was I ever born, or did I just appear?

Twilight keeps asking me if there were ever other draconequui. The answer is I don't know.

I'm getting ahead of myself again.

The reason I'm writing this isn't just because Cadance suggested it to me. Honestly, when do I ever roll over and expose my belly when someone just asks me to?

Someone has asked me to do something though. Celestia wants me to join her secret service. You didn't know there was a secret service? Oops! It was supposed to be a secret...oh well.

So, yes. The plans were in the pipeline for this back when I was sent to capture Tirek but that...er...ran into a little snag. But before the snag, I was doing rather well. I had actually captured him and it was so easy I laugh about it even now. Apparently now I'm trusted, because I gave Twilight her key or whatever. Well, at least I'm trusted by the Element Bearers and Celestia. The rest of you just don't give a mangy custard sarnie. Celestia wants to use me as a weapon. She will never admit to it in those words, but we all know it's the truth. She's doing the same thing with Twilight. We are weapons against any threat to the Equestrian Way of Life.

I'm not sure why evil villains are so fixated on upsetting the balance of tea parties and fashion shows, but there you are. What do I know? I've been a statue for a good long while so I'm not exactly down with the kids anymore.

So now Celestia wants to reinstate me into her intelligence agency, probably because there's a lack of general intelligence there. I must admit some of it does have a certain appeal. I would get to travel the world, use chaos magic--and we all know mares can't resist the pull of a dashing, mysterious spy. Form an orderly queue, ladies. It's the only time you will ever hear me use the word orderly, so put it in a little box and treasure it always.

Except of course I will be expected to conform to rules. We all know how I feel about those. Any sort of intelligence organisation has them and is quite regimented. I'm not sure I want that. Who wants to end up as dull as Shining Armo...I mean, your darling lovely husband, Cadance. I mean that. Really I do. Who wants to end up dull as a spoon? I'd rather be a spork. They fool you into thinking they're just fancy spoons, but they can still stab you in the eye.

So instead I've decided to write all this down not as an exercise in "mindfulness" or whatever buzzword you ponies are using these days, but as a record of just how interesting my life was (and is) compared to the rest of Celestia's mindless drones.

Plus there are many things I'm having trouble remembering, and maybe this will jog some of them or at least flush out a few cobwebs here and there. Purely as a historical exercise, you understand.

Plus I want to set some of the record straight. I'm still viewed as a criminal by half the population of Equestria. Oh they preach all that gooey stuff about friendship, but I can feel their eyes boring into me when my back is turned.

I suppose we should start with colthood...