The Princesses' Secret

by Sleepy Panda

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 7387

"Princess Luna, why aren't you and Princess Celestia queens?" Oh no. Ponies weren't supposed to ask that...

Ponies are starting to wonder why Princess Luna and Princess Celestia aren't queens, but the two princesses aren't quite prepared to answer that question.

Published 2015-06-19 16:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-07 20:05:52 UTC

Okay, so...

The two royal sisters sat around a table in the kitchen, eating a casual breakfast while planning for what would happen if they decided to make a revelation about their mother. They'd requested that their personal guards stand outside the room rather than inside, as they didn't particularly want to be overheard.

"How's this: When Princess Celestia was young and naive, she-"

"Okay, absolutely no," Celestia interrupted her younger sister.

"Why not?" said Luna, confused. "It gives you an excuse for deciding to lock your mother in a vault."

"I see two flaws with that," Celestia informed her.

"Enlighten me." Luna set her speech down on the table and raised an eyebrow at her sister.

"Very well then. First of all, I was never naive. I have always been perfect," Celestia insisted. Luna rolled her eyes at this.

"You cannot be serious," she scoffed.

"I am," Celestia said seriously. "But whether you accept that as a legitimate fault is of no concern to me, for you will understand the second one."

"Humor me."

"Since I am no longer young and naive, our subjects would expect us to release our dear mother, would they not?" Celestia questioned.

"...You have a point," Luna agreed. She then picked up her speech and flicked it over her shoulder, where it landed in the fireplace. A second later, however, she realized something. "Wait just a moment. If what you've been saying about the ponies of modern Equestria is true, then wouldn't they be reluctant to have us step down from the throne to make way for a new ruler they've never heard of?"

Celestia abruptly stopped chewing her muffin and swallowed it whole in surprise. She started choking, and Luna had to thump her on the back a few times before she was able to speak again. "I forgot about that," Celestia admitted. It was true. She took it so much for granted that she often forgot just how devoted her subjects were to her.

"Yes. So even if we released our mother, we wouldn't be pressured into letting her rule again. But sister, must we reveal her existence in the first place?" Luna asked.

"I believe so. We've kept it a secret for too long now, and I think our mother has served her time," Celestia decided.

"Then it's settled. Now, for that speech..."

One week later...

"Please rise for Princess Celestia and Princess Luna!" a guard shouted into the crowd as Luna and Celestia walked out onto the balcony, his voice amplified by some sort of spell.

Celestia smiled at her subjects, waving in greeting with a wing. Luna stood to her left and slightly behind her, not smiling. There was no point; it was Celestia the ponies loved, not her.

When the ponies finally quieted down, Celestia stepped forward to the very edge of the balcony. "My sister and I have decided to make a very important decision," she announced. "While it may not impact you greatly, it means a lot to Princess Luna and I and we hope that you can take the news maturely and intelligently." Celestia nodded at Luna, who took a deep breath and stepped forwards to stand directly side-by-side with her sister.

"Many ponies have been wondering why Luna and I are princesses rather than queens. It's not because of any political issues or cultural differences, or any other reason you might be thinking of. No, there is a reason, but it's slightly different. We are princesses because our mother is still the queen of Equestria."

A shocked murmur ran through the crowd, and a few ponies started shouting.

"Why have we never heard of the queen?"

"Why are you two ruling rather than her?"

"Could you repeat that please? I had my head stuck in a bucket and couldn't hear."

"Is your mother still alive?"

"Silence," Celestia commanded. Nobody silenced themselves, so one of Celestia's guard repeated her command with an extremely amplified voice. Everypony became quiet, but only to wince and cover their ears in pain.

"Our mother is very much alive," Celestia confirmed. "When we were younger, we became aware that she was abusing her power" - Luna stifled a giggle at this, earning herself a glare from her older sister - "and we were forced to lock her in a vault."

"What type of abuse? What was she doing? Slavery? Executions?" someone asked.

"Oh no, nothing like that!" Celestia exclaimed. "She was enforcing unfair rules upon the younger generation of Equestria."

"Abusing her power by making dumb rules makes her unfit to rule?" someone shouted. "You cannot be serious. The whole Nightmare Moon incident happened and Luna's still standing by your side."

Luna stiffened and clenched her teeth, ready to find the source of the shout and destroy it. Before she could leap off the balcony, however, a dozen of her guard tackled her to the ground. One of the guards quietly said, "Princess, attacking your citizens would not be wise. Pardon me saying, but I believe you are tired and your judgement is rather clouded, so we're going to escort you inside. You're not used to being awake so late into the day."

Luna sighed and let her guards escort her inside. They were right, after all. She hadn't slept in over 24 hours.

Luckily for her, the entire crowd was too busy shouting at Celestia to notice the scene. Of course, this wasn't lucky for Celestia.

"I think that you should release your mother!" somepony demanded. Celestia looked towards the source of the voice and... oh no. It was one of those famous ponies that everyone tried to copy. "This is cruel and unnecessary!"

"I agree!" someone cheered, then another, then another. Pretty soon, the whole crowd was in agreement.

"Okay, my little ponies!" Celestia finally yelled after some indecision, immediately making everyone go quiet. "I'll release her from the vault, but she will have to stay confined within the castle. She's not fit to rule and she's too powerful to live among society."

"Not fit to rule? Please!" a mare laughed. "If anything, you're not fit to rule, Your Majesty. Your judgement has been simply awful lately. You're willing to let your sister continue ruling despite the fact that she tried to overthrow you and destroy the planet with eternal night, yet you refuse to let your mother rule because she imposed a few rules that you didn't like. I say let your mother take the throne and step down so that you can be taught how to actually be a leader!"

"Yeah!" the crowd shouted.

Celestia felt trapped. On one hoof, she couldn't let her mother rule - she was crazy! On the other, she couldn't disappoint her little ponies. And when it comes down to it... the latter was more important.

"Alright..." Celestia decided, "my sister and I will give the throne to our mother."

Author's Note

I've been told that I should avoid author's notes, but I simply like them too much to not use them.

Yeah, we're screwed.

"You told them what?" Luna shouted, angrily poking Celestia's breastplate with a hoof. Celestia winced and stumbled back, trying to plead with her sister.

"Luna, you saw how they were. I had no choice."

"No choice? No choice? Who's in charge of Equestria, us or them? You're worse than Discord when it comes to destroying this kingdom! Go back out there and revoke your earlier statement. If they don't like it, who cares? This generation will be gone soon enough and nopony will be around to remember it," Luna pointed out.

"I... can't." Celestia hung her head in shame.

"You can't? And why's that?" Luna demanded.

"I signed the paperwork already. I'm no longer a Princess of Equestria, and neither are you. Because I'm older than you, I was able to sign for you." Celestia's eyes widened and she hastily made a dive for the floor as ball of fire was hurled at her. "Luna!" she cried out.

Luna took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "Okay. What's done is done. I don't like it, but this is the way things are. What do we do now?"

"We free mother."

"WE'RE FREEEEEEEEEEEE!" Queen Gaea cheered, flying loops around the castle.

"I'm starting to think that this is a very bad idea," Celestia muttered to Luna.

"FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOOMMMMMMMM!!"

"Starting to think?" the younger alicorn asked incredulously.

"Well, I already thought that this was a bad idea, but I am just now starting to see the degree of how bad it it is," Celestia clarified. Her eye twitched as she witnessed her mother crash into a suit of armor and send guards fleeing from the fiery explosion. Why her mother enjoyed flying with sticks of dynamite, she would never know.

"Daughters! A party must be thrown to honor this new freedom of mine!" Gaea declared, coming to abrupt halt in front of the two alicorns. Apparently, she had decided to revoke her earlier decision of disowning them.

"Yes, mother," Celestia said. "I shall inform Pinkie Pie and-"

"Pinkie Pie? Pink is such a ghastly color," Gaea growled. "Fetch us somepony who actually knows how to host a grand event. How about thy ex-boyfriend, Celestia? The one thou call Discord. Yes, Discord shalt be the one to plan this party," she decided.

Celestia knew better than to argue. "Yes, mother."

"There must be shiny objects," Gaea added.

"Yes, mother."

"And stallions. Invite many stallions. Thy father left us many moons ago, and it is high time that we find a new mate."

"...Yes, mother."

"And... actually, we believe that is sufficient. Dismissed." Gaea waved Celestia off with a hoof, then leaped into the air to resume her destructive flying.

Celestia stared for a moment, then walked away with Luna closely in tow.

They had almost escaped the room when Queen Gaea suddenly decided to rush over and block the exit.

"Halt! We have come to a realization. Thee art the ones who locked us in thy dungeon!" she exclaimed.

"That is incorrect," Celestia lied.

"We thinkest not," Gaea replied. "Our memory is stronger than thou may assume."

"Well, we tried," Luna whispered sullenly to her sister.

"Our verdict is: thee shall be grounded! Leaving ye castle is not permitted. Desserts are not permitted. Fun is prohibited between dawn and dusk. Bedtimes shall be earlier. Sun and moon privileges have been revoked - we shall be controlling the celestial and lunar bodies. Magical and flight abilities shall be removed, Oh, and we disown thee again. That's all." With that, Queen Gaea flew away.

Luna glared angrily at Celestia. "This is all your fault."

"My fault? Excuse me?" Celestia was taken aback.

"Yes. What possessed you to give ponies the right of free speech?" Luna shot.

"What possessed me? Need I remind you that you allowed yourself to be possessed by a power-hungry spirit?" Celestia immediately regretted saying it, but she couldn't stop the words from flowing out of her mouth before it was too late. Luna's face reddened and she started shaking uncontrollably.

"I did not 'allow' myself to become possessed, thank you very much," she seethed. "And need I remind you that Nightmare Moon was just as much your fault as mine? You neglected me, laughed at me, made me feel like a lesser pony. You never comforted me, even when I was crying myself to sleep at night. And then you barely made an effort to save me from the Nightmare! You gave up on me and banished me to the moon, and upon my return, made me out to be the villain."

"Luna, I-"

"No. No more. Maybe the ponies were right; you're unfit to rule," Luna finished. She tried to make a dramatic exit by storming out the door and slamming it behind her, but she forgot that Queen Gaea had confiscated her magic. Instead, she marched headfirst into the door, impaling it with her horn. She cursed and struggled for a few minutes, yanking her head while pushing against the door for leverage, but she remained stuck. Celestia awkwardly stood behind her, observing the scene but feeling that it would be inappropriate to approach her considering the talk they had just had.

"Erm... do you need a bit of assista-"

"NO!" Luna snapped.

"Okay. I'll just, um, be over there," Celestia said, loosely gesturing with a hoof to a far corner of the room where a lone sofa sat.

Author's Note

Ugh, this archaic language thing is killing me. I have no idea how it works.

This is boring

Luna was bored.

So was Celestia.

Both princesses were extremely bored. The boredom was so much that there was no possible way things could get any more boring. At this point, even a lecture from their late grandmother about proper etiquette and hygiene would be welcome. Anything to alleviate the boredom.

"This is more boring than being trapped on the moon," Luna complained. "At least on the moon, I had a tiny bit of magic available to me. Enough to fly around up to fifty feet off the ground and do simple spells to entertain myself, at least."

"You had magic?" This was news to Celestia. She'd not been told of this before.

"Yes. Not much, but it was some." Luna shrugged. "I was too busy plotting my revenge to bother trying to escape, so it's nothing that you should be worried about."

"That's still worrisome for me. The spell is supposed to strip a pony of all their magic, and if I ever feel the need to banish somepony again, I don't want them retaining any of their magical ability." Celestia tapped her hoof in thought. "I suppose I could always modify the spell to make it more powerful," she mused.

"Actually, you can't," Luna corrected her.

"Oh? And why's that?"

"No magic, remember?"

"Oh, yes. That." Celestia had forgotten that little detail.

The two sisters sat in silence for a while more, then Luna let out a groan and bashed her head against the wall.

"I can't believe she made your guard lock us in the bathroom," she huffed.

"I know. I can't believe that Br- I mean, Posterior actually followed her orders." Celestia's most loyal guard had abandoned her.

"He's loyal to the rulers of Equestria. Right now, that's Queen Gaea, so he's just doing his duty," Luna explained.

"Yes, but still." Celestia sighed. "The fact remains that this is boring."

"I don't believe that will ever change, sister." Luna pouted. They were right back where they started.

"We'll just have to wait for Cadance or Twilight to figure something out. Twilight is still the ruler of Ponyville, and Cadance of the Crystal Empire," Celestia said.

"They barely have any power." Luna gave Celestia the most hopeless look she could muster. However, she had never been the best at expressing herself, so it looked like she was in pain and smelling an awful stench.

"You have little faith in them." Celestia couldn't help but to giggle at Luna's ridiculous expression. "They're more capable than you give then credit for."

Twilight was a hopeless mess.

She was in a bit of a situation. She didn't know where she'd gone wrong, but somehow, in her quest to find a book on how to stage a coup, she had managed to teleport herself into Tartarus. The bug-bear was also in Tartarus, and he wanted revenge.

So... to say that she was in a bit of a situation would be an understatement.

"Please, I meant no harm! You were a threat to Ponyville and I only did what I thought was right." The bug-bear roared, ignoring her pleas, and attempted to bite her again.

"Okay then, if you want to play that way." Twilight narrowed her eyes and shot a beam of magical energy at the beast.

Cadance was a hopeless mess.

She didn't know how, but she woke up one morning, she found herself in the crystal catacombs underneath Canterlot again. She wasn't alone, though. Shining Armor and a good portion of the crystal ponies were there too, and just as confused as she, although quite a bit more tearful.

Shining Armor, despite being a trained soldier, was curled up in a fetal position and bawling his eyes out. Cadance had tried for hours to calm him down, but she realized it was a pointless endeavor and gave up to tend to her panicking subjects, which is much harder than one might think.

Like any pony in this type of situation, the crystal ponies were stressed out. And like most ponies, they tend to eat a lot when they're stressed out. A unique fact about crystal ponies is that their diet consists largely of crystals. So when they're stressed out and trapped in a cave full of crystals, well, they eat them. They eat too many, and they start puking.

Yeah. That's what Cadance had to deal with. Cadance did not like puke, but she was forced to mop it up.

Good times.

"Yeah, you're right," Luna said. Celestia had a point. They'd handled themselves just fine before, so there was no reason to doubt that the two minor princesses couldn't take care of themselves in this time of crisis.

"Exactly. We'll be out of here before you know it," Celestia reassured her.

"Yes, but the boredom is starting to kill me." Luna flopped down onto her stomach and played dead to emphasize this.

"Luna, we've been in here for less than ten minutes." Luna sat up and glared at her sister.

"No, that cannot possibly be," she exclaimed. "You are lying. I see it in your eyes."

"No, I'm not lying," Celestia corrected her. "It's the truth."

"Oh? And how do you know that?" Luna challenged.

"There's a clock on the wall."

"...I'm done." Luna angrily marched over to the bathroom door, flung it open, and stormed out. It took Celestia a few seconds to register an important fact.

"Wait... the door was unlocked this entire time?"

Author's Note

Have you ever noticed how awesome this story's ID is? 272777. Like, wow. It's not as awesome as 123456 (the story with that ID is hilarious, by the way), but I'll take it. :moustache:

Gaea tries to woo her Posterior

"The first pronoun we are going to be learning is 'you'," Posterior announced, pacing back and forth in the front of the room. The hall had been converted into a temporary classroom for the queen. Chalkboards were placed around the room and the Queen sat near Posterior on a plush cushion of the finest silk. "'You' is the equivalent to the archaic 'thou'," he continued. "Although ponies will still understand what you're saying, it sounds odd to them. Odd-sounding language may become a barrier between you and your subjects, making it more difficult to connect with them effectively."

"You?" Gaea tried.

"Yes, just like that," Posterior confirmed.

"You art looking radiant today," Gaea said. Posterior ignored the compliment.

"You have the word 'you' correct, but there's another word we need to fix. Try saying 'are' instead of 'art'," Posterior instructed.

"You arth a sight to behold." Posterior shook his head.

"No no, try again."

"Arrrrrrrrr?" Gaea tried again.

"Closer," Posterior remarked, "but use it in a sentence."

"You are annoying us."

"That's correct." Posterior's lessons were boring, so Queen Gaea decided to spice things up a bit.

"Posterior, does thou knowest why we have given thou the name of 'Posterior'?" she questioned, abandoning all of her recently acquired knowledge of the modern language in favor of archaic Equestrian.

"No, Your Majesty," Posterior answered. Queen Gaea stood up from her cushion and slowly walked in circles around him.

"Because thou hast a nice posterior," Queen Gaea remarked.

"Thank you." Either Posterior was completely oblivious or incredibly professional. "Which reminds me, the word 'hast' is no longer in usage."

Queen Gaea rolled her eyes and spread her wings, then leaped upwards and flew out of the hall. "Lessons have been cancelled until the next sunrise. Thou art to report to the second floor bathroom in the east wing to aid thy partner in the guarding of Luna and Celestia."

Posterior and Suncatcher stood on opposite sides of the door, saying nothing and staying still. At least, Suncatcher was trying to stay still. She'd had a lot of coffee that morning, and she couldn't help but to notice that Suncatcher was fidgeting ever so slightly. That was unusual, and unusual was exciting.

Oddly enough, Posterior was the one to break the silence. "Suncatcher, can I ask you something?"

Suncatcher's jaw fell open and nearly hit the floor. "M-me?" This must have been the first time Posterior had even spoken casually to a fellow guard when he was on duty.

"Yes, you. It's about Queen Gaea. Something seems... off."

"Is it about how casually she's acting towards us?" Suncatcher asked quizzically.

"Sort of, but not really." Posterior shifted his weight from side to side, uncomfortable.

"I'm not sure why she's so casual. Maybe time being locked away has made her forget to be rigid with her subjects?" Suncatcher suggested.

"Yes, I have little doubt that you're correct in that assumption, but that's not quite what I was asking about." Posterior sighed, not wanting to discuss it all too much, but he had to talk to somepony or he'd go insane. "She keeps complimenting me and talking to me in a really strange tone of voice. She spent most of our speech lesson doing that, actually."

Suncatcher's eyes widened. "Oh... you're worried about what she said to the princesses, aren't you? That she was looking for a mate."

"Yes," Posterior confirmed.

"Oh. Oh my." Suncatcher would normally find this situation to be extremely amusing, but Posterior seemed rather bothered by it all. Despite his attitude towards her, she considered him to be her friend. The best guard partners looked after each other.

"I don't know what to do. If she decides to force a relationship, then I must go along with it because of her royal status." Posterior abandoned all professionalism and took a step away from his post to look directly at Suncatcher. "Please help," he begged.

"Oh, um okay," Suncatcher agreed, a bit taken aback by his sudden shift in attitude. "You could try making yourself seem undesirable - but subtly. You don't want to lay it on too thick or she'll figure it out, and that wouldn't be good. Like, at all."

"But how? I don't know anything about romance, or anti-romance," Posterior panicked.

"Easy there. I can give you lessons," Suncatcher offered. Practice dates and the like. I've had lots of romantic failures and horrible stallions in my life, so I've learned a lot."

"Oh, thank you! When shall we start?" Posterior asked.

"Not yet, buddy. This is gonna be a quid pro quo sort of thing. I'll give you the lessons, but only in exchange for you giving me lessons on how to be a better royal guard." Might as well get something out of this, right?

"Sounds good to me." It sounded really good to him, actually. Not only would he be getting help to deal with his problem, but his partner was going to improve, resulting in less stress for him.

"Awesome!" Suncatcher spat on her hoof and held it out. Posterior stared at it, disgusted.

"What are you doing?" he demanded.

"You shake on it," she explained.

"That's unsanitary."

"You're unsanitary."

"...And to think that I'll be going on practice dates with you," he grumbled, resuming his post so that he wouldn't have to talk to her for any longer.

Author's Note

I'm actually really proud of myself for coming up with this chapter title. :moustache:

Fun fact: I accidentally wrote Suncatcher's name as Sunchaser throughout this entire chapter (I fixed it though). I think I like the latter name better. Maybe I'll use it for a future OC or something.

Should I add a comedy tag or no?

Dating 101 - or not.

After realizing that they had been guarding an empty bathroom for the past four hours, Suncatcher angrily stormed off. She'd have thrown her helmet at the ground for extra emphasis, but she'd already done that earlier and no longer had a helmet to throw.

"Suncatcher," Posterior warned, raising his voice slightly, "your shift hasn't ended yet. I will write you up if I have to.

"You go do that," she called back at him as she marched away.

"Are we still meeting for dinner?" he asked.

"Yeah." Suncatcher turned the corner and disappeared from sight.

"Out of all places, Celestia?" Luna blinked a few times to be sure that she wasn't just seeing things.

"Yes."

"You cannot be serious."

"But... why?" Luna had to duck as a pineapple the size of a house whizzed over her head.

"Because mother is going to be furious when she realizes that we left the bathroom, and a party might just distract her. She did request one, after all," Celestia explained.

"We're having the party in here?" Luna asked, perplexed.

"Of course not!" Celestia exclaimed. "We're just here to ask Discord to plan the party for us."

"Oh. Right." Celestia and Luna stood there for a minuted. "So... are we going to do that, or...?"

Celestia snapped back to reality. "Oh, yes." She walked forward and knocked on Discord's front door.

"I'm coming!" A voice yelled from inside. A few loud crashes were heard, a jet of fire blasted through a window, and then Discord finally opened the door. "Yes?" he asked, swatting away a plant that was creeping over his shoulder.

"We came to inquire about our mother's party," Celestia informed him. "Will you do her the honor of planning it?"

"Nope." With that, Discord marched outside and kicked the two alicorns in the direction of the bottomless pit.

"Okay, so let's begin!" Suncatcher announced. Posterior cringed a little at her happiness - should he be worried? "I was originally gonna do this my myself, but then my sister stopped by for a visit and she agreed to help."

"Your... sister?" Posterior struggled to understand this. How could anyone live with a sibling this annoying?

"Yeah, she should be here soon. Maybe in about- oh, never mind. She's here." Suncatcher waved at somepony being Posterior.

Posterior turned around to see... Suncatcher? "Wait... what?" he asked.

"We're twins," Suncatcher explained, "identical twins. Sunchaser, meet Posterior. Posterior, meet Sunchaser."

Sunchaser stifled a laugh at Posterior's name but said nothing of it. "Nice to meet you."

"Likewise," Posterior said. Similar names and identical appearance. Just great. They both had the same yellow-and-orange mane and tail and mane and the same white body. And since Suncatcher wasn't wearing her armor, he couldn't even tell them apart by that. "If you don't mind my asking, how am I to tell you to apart?"

"Our cutie marks are different, and so are our eyes," Sunchaser told him. Posterior gave the two a closer look and realized that she was correct. Suncatcher's eyes were violet, whereas Sunchaser's were of a yellow-green hue. Sunchaser's cutie mark was of a lightening bolt, whereas Suncatcher's was of a tornado. Weather ponies? Odd, seeing as Suncatcher was a guard.

"Oh, I see. Suncha- I mean, Suncatcher-"

"Yet another pony who can't keep our names straight," Sunchaser groaned. "Alrighty then. You can call me Chase and my sister Sunny. Make sense?" Posterior nodded. "Good. So here's what we're gonna do: Sunny is going to be the date that you try to impress, and I'll be off to the side, coaching you. I'm going to be the date that you try to make lose interest in you, and Sunny will be off to the side, coaching you. Sounds good?"

"Uh... why do I need to practice impressing a date?" This was not what Posterior had signed up for.

"Because if we're going to teach you one skill, we have to teach you the other," Sunny declared happily. "C'mon, aren't you excited about this?"

"No," Posterior grumbled as Sunny sat him down at one of the cafeteria's tables. "No, seriously, I'm not ready. I need to shower first!" He stood up quickly and fled the two mares.

"Wimp," Sunchaser laughed. Suddenly, mustard rained from the sky.

"All guards report to the throne room!" a voice shouted. Suncatcher shot her sister an apologetic look and ran off.

Author's Note

Short chapter is short again and doesn't really have a good ending. I get distracted really easily. I'm not sure why, bu-

Ooh, a shiny object!

The rebellion

"What's going on?" Sunchaser yelled over the noise of the blaring alarms, hastily throwing on her armor. She put some of her shoes on the wrong hooves, but she didn't really care. This was an emergency, and there was no time to worry about little things like that.

"It's raining mustard," a fellow guard helpfully informed her. Suncatcher rolled her eyes.

"Well duh, that much is obvious. What I want to know is why it's raining mustard."

As if on queue, Shining Armor started shouting at everypony. "Alright! As you can all see, we have a situation here. A group of pegasi decided to revolt against the queen's rule and are having a bit of fun with the weather by destroying this city with mustard. This is not funny!" he barked at somepony, who had let out a laugh upon hearing this. "Move out! Squad A, detain the rioters. Squad B, get the weather under control. Squad C, protect the citizens. GO!"

All the guards leaped into action - that is, all the guards except for Sunchaser. "Uh... can't I just join the rebellion?" she muttered to Posterior, who was just about to take flight.

"Absolutely not!" he scolded her.

"Ugh, fine. Which squad am I on again?" she asked sheepishly.

"Same one as me: Squad A. But you can't fly, so you'll be down here to bring the rioters into our custody. You'll probably help with the interrogation, too." Without another word, he leaped into the air and flew away.

"Huh," Sunchaser mused. Then she shrugged. "Meh, I'll just read a book until this whole thing blows over."

"By the power bestowed upon the royal guard by Her Majesty Queen Gaea, you are under arrest!" Posterior informed a pegasus.

Instead of allowing herself to be arrested, she blew a raspberry at him and chucked a mustard cloud at his face.

"Halt!" he demanded. The pegasus did not halt. She teasingly danced on top of a cloud. Unfortunately for her, Posterior wasn't in the mood for humor today. Or yesterday. Actually, he was never in the mood for humor, but that's completely besides the point. I think?

Whatever.

Anyway, Posterior was not amused, and he launched forwards, despite the fact that his vision was compromised by the thick mustard. The mare's eyes widened in surprise. She tried to dart away, but Posterior was too quick for her.

He tackled her to the... well, there was no ground, so both of them fell out of the sky. The mare screamed shrilly, alternating between curses and pleas to the goddesses. Posterior, on the other hoof, kept his cool and used the opportunity to latch himself onto the mare's back in a manner that ensured she was unable to move her hooves or wings. When he had a tight enough grip, he spread his wings out and the pair glided gently to the ground.

"Suncatcher!" Posterior called out over the pegasus' screams. Yes, she was still screaming, even though they were on solid ground again.

No answer. Posterior refrained from letting out an exasperated groan – that was bad form – and shouted her name again in a voice nearly as loud as the Princess' Royal Canterlot Voice. He became painfully aware that the entire had gone silent from shock of his voice, and resisted the urge to look around at his fellow guards, who were surely all staring at him. Even the mustard was so startled that it stopped raining from the sky. A few long seconds passed and the chaos gradually started to resume again.

However, the yelling did have the desired effect: Suncatcher grumpily stumbled out of a side door, squinting and shielding her eyes from the sun. "What do you want?" she demanded. "You're interrupting my nap."

"You're not supposed to be taking a nap; you're supposed to help arrest the protesters!" Posterior growled at her. He indicated the now unconscious mare - she must have fainted when Posterior yelled at top volume - and Suncatcher took the hint.

"Alright, alright. Geez. No need to get so worked up about it." Grumbling, she hoofcuffed the mare, slipped bindings over her wings, and levitated her over to the building where the prisoners were held.

"Sister, we are currently floating in a bottomless pit," Luna unhelpfully declared.

Celestia rolled her eyes. "I know that."

"Then why are you suggesting we eat cake?" Luna questioned.

"I'm not suggesting that we should eat cake. I was simply stating that a slice of cake would be nice right now," said Celestia, crossing her arms.

"While we are falling to our doom?" Luna sometimes didn't know what to think about her sister's logic.

"We're falling to nothing. It's a bottomless pit."

"But you cannot eat cake right now." Luna scratched her head with a hoof, trying to figure out what Celestia's point was.

"Yes I can." And with that, Celestia magically conjured a slice of vanilla cake from thin air. Luna stared wide-eyed in shock.

"Wait, how did you get that?"

"Hmm? Oh, I got the recipe from that amazing baker a few hundred years ago. It's a shame that you never got a chance to try his desserts. Would you like a bite?" Celestia offered.

"No, not that!" she gasped. "We still have magic?"

Celestia froze and dropped her cake in surprise, then she put a hoof to her forehead, cursing her own stupidity. "Right. Of course."

The two alicorns nodded and teleported out of the pit, reappearing back in Equestria.

Author's Note

Sorry about the hiatus! Um... things sort of happened and I couldn't write or update anything. I'm rather burnt out right now. >.<

I also have no idea how the military works.

plz don't kill me for all the inaccurate things in this story.

Also, yes, Suncatcher is a unicorn who happens to be a weatherpony. Don't ask me how that works because I have no idea. She looks way too much like another one of my OCs.

The question

Luna burst into Celestia's chambers, rudely awakening the older alicorn as the door slammed loudly into the wall. "Celestia, we need to do something about this! I can't keep evading all of the questions from the nobles and the reporters!" Luna cried.

"Luna, what could possibly be so important that you would wake me up in the middle of the night?" Celestia groggily demanded, sitting up in her bed and using her magic to remove her blindfold and place it on the bedside table.

"The questions! Ever since that cursed author published his book speculating on our origins, the questions have been flowing in nonstop. And they're all being directed at me because they assume I'm younger and more gullible. It's not fair," Luna grumbled, walking across the room and sitting on the bed next to her sister.

Celestia put a wing around Luna, comforting the stressed pony. "Easy there. What's so bad about answering the questions? Are there too many for you to handle?"

"Yes, but that's not the problem. They're digging a bit too deep into our past," Luna vaguely explained.

"Too deep into our past? What exactly do you mean by that?" Celestia pressed.

"Well, a lot of things, but there's one thing that concerns me the most: I'm being asked why we're princesses instead of queens."

"Oh. I see why you're so stressed," Celestia said, withdrawing her wing and standing up to pace around the room. She paced back and forth for a few minutes, pondering over the situation in her head, but then she realized Luna was looking expectantly at her. She stopped pacing. "This is bad," she declared.

Luna rolled her eyes and stood up to join her sister. "Of course it is! That's why I woke you up in the middle of the night."

"Yes, well, right," Celestia said. "I'm not sure what to do. Do we tell ponies about her or make up a story?"

"I don't know," Luna admitted. "I was hoping that you would know what to do."

"I'm not entirely sure. But before we even consider making a revelation, we should probably check on her first," Celestia suggested.

"Yes," Luna agreed, even though she wasn't particularly keen on the idea.

Celestia nodded, then raised her voice and ordered, "Please clear the hallways from here to vault 201. My sister and I have private business to attend to."

"Yes, Your Highness," the two royal guards at the door said in unison, bowing before turning around and barking orders at the others. Soon, there was not a guard in sight, and the two alicorn sisters walked out into the hallway.

"If she's dead..." Luna started, but Celestia cut her off.

"No, she won't be. She's immortal like us, remember?"

"Yes, that may be so, but not even the most immortal of beings could survive being trapped that long. Even I could barely withstand the thousand-year imprisonment you so kindly imposed upon me. Has she not lost yet the will to live? It doesn't seem possible," Luna said doubtfully.

"It is very possible. I made renovations during your banishment to make her accommodations more bearable. I removed the chains and exchanged the pillows for fresh ones," Celestia informed the blue alicorn.

"Oh, I see. We're here," Luna announced, having arrived at their destination.

"I can see that," Celestia said plainly. They stood in front of a large wooden door, tucked away in a corner of the dungeons. Vault 201. She unlocked the door and slowly, carefully opened it. "Hello mother," she greeted the pony inside.

"Celestia?!" the pony screeched, lunging towards the door, only to crash into an invisible barrier, "'Tis been four hundred years since thou last visited us!"

"Yes, mother, I'm aware of that," Celestia sighed, "and I apologize. My kingdom has been getting rather out of hoof lately. This whole "freedom of speech" thing is turning out to be a terrible idea."

"Ha! We toldeth thou so!" the mare said triumphantly. Then she noticed Luna. "Oh, thou hast finally returned from banishment? Congratulations."

"Thank you, mother," Luna said nervously, stepping into the room. Mother hadn't tried to kill them yet, so that was good. Normally it took her much quicker to remember that they had imprisoned her just because she banned dessert and loud singing from the castle.

Luna's mother scowled. "Thou art an embarrassment to us. As of now, we disown you, and thou may no longer address us as 'mother.'"

"Yes, Queen Gaea," Luna said, uncaring. Her mother had disowned her no less than twenty times before, and had always forgotten about it.

"Much better!" Queen Gaea declared happily. "Now, where were we... oh, yes. That. CELESTIA, RELEASE US AT ONCE!"

"Mother, I have already gone over this with you. I'm not handing over my rule to you, and certainly not freeing you. You'd ground us and ban us from desserts again," Celestia sighed.

"Thou art no longer worthy of being a daughter of mine!" Queen Gaea yelled.

"Whatever, mother." Celestia rolled her eyes and turned to Luna. "She looks perfectly healthy to me, so we can leave now. But next time, you're doing the talking. "

"Am not!" Luna protested, but Celestia ignored her as they exited the vault and shut it behind them, cutting off cries of, "Get back here at once, ungrateful peasants!"

The two alicorns walked quietly upstairs for about a minute, then Luna broke the silence. "So," she said, "what do we tell the press?"

"I have absolutely no idea," Celestia admitted.

Luna groaned. "Well that's just great."

Author's Note

I have no idea where this came from. More chapters or no?

My ex-daughters have ruined this country!

"Uh, peasant!" Queen Gaea shouted.

"Are you referring to me, Your Majesty?" a guard asked nervously.

"Yes, thou! Art thou deaf?" the queen demanded.

"No, Your Majesty. I was just confused, as I am not accustomed to being called 'peasant.' I am a royal guard," he informed her.

"Oh, wonderful! Thou needest a name. We think we shall call you 'Posterior.' And that mare standing next to thou, is she also a guard?" Gaea asked. Posterior's expression darkened upon hearing his new name, but he remained silent.

"Yes, Your Majesty," the female guard confirmed. "My name is Suncatcher, by the way." Suncatcher had to suppress a grin as Posterior shot her a murderous look.

"Well then, this makes the day much easier for us. We assume that thee knowest the laws of thine country, is that not correct?"

"Yes, Your Majesty," Posterior answered immediately, his expression going back to one of a professional guard - emotionless.

Suncatcher had a less professional answer. "Yeah, sort of. I studied a bit here and there, but just the basics. It's not required as a royal guard."

"Suncatcher, thou shall mentor us in modern law," Queen Gaea decided.

"Oh, cool!" Suncatcher did a little dance around the room in excitement, then took off her helmet and threw it at the wall, apparently deciding that she could relieve herself from duty. Posterior made a mental note to report her later. "Could I also teach you the modern Equestrian language? It's kinda hard to understand you sometimes."

"Yes, that would be nice," Gaea agreed. "Posterior, thou can continue... erm, whatever it is that thou hast been doing for the past four hours."

"Yes, Your Majesty."

"Thou hast got to be jesting with us," Queen Gaea said in disbelief.

"Nope!" Suncatcher shrugged. "It's been around for about seven hundred years, if I remember things alright."

"That's absurd. And whose idea was it to give ponies the right of free speech?" Gaea vowed to murder whoever had made this legal.

"Celestia's, my queen. Luna was banished around that time, remember?"

"Oh, yes. We would revoke the right, but we don't believe ponies would be able to adjust. Besides, if free speech were still outlawed, we would have had to execute thou long ago." Queen Gaea smiled warmly at the petite unicorn guard.

"Um... thank you." Suncatcher wasn't sure how to feel about that, so she settled for taking it as a compliment.

"In what other ways have those ex-daughters of ours destroyed our kingdom?" Queen Gaea had no hope left.

"They've abolished the death penalty." Personally, Suncatcher felt that this was a very good thing to abolish, but she could see why a ruler might not be so thrilled about it.

"...Please tell us that they've done at least one good thing for our kingdom!" Queen Gaea cried. "Have they at least standardized the spelling of 'gryphon?'"

"Nope. Some people spell it G-R-I-F-F-O-N, and others spell it G-R-Y-P-H-O-N." Suncatcher suddenly became aware of how red Queen Gaea's face was turning. "Are you alright?"

"Don't tell us our ex-daughters changed the writing system, too," Gaea complained.

"It was changed?" Suncatcher had never seen mention of this before while doing her research. Then again, she had barely done any research. She only went to the library because they gave out free sandwiches and lemonade on Fridays.

"Yes, it used to be a system of phonetic characters," Gaea explained.

"Sounds complicated."

"'Twas not."

"Whatever you say, my queen," Suncatcher said nonchalantly.

"Thy unprofessional attitude is staring to get on our nerves, soldier. Fetch us Posterior, who shall assist us in learning modern Equestrian. Thou shalt resume your guard duties."

"Yes, your majesty." Suncatcher bowed and exited the room.

Author's Note

Short chapter is short. I'm not feeling well today, but I wanted to update this.

Proofread by spellcheck, my current best friend. (seriously, my spelling is atrociously bad)