You're Gonna Carry That Weight, Twilight
Spike was in the fight of his life, simply trying to stay awake.
Twilight beckoned to the complex magical hologram, a system of interlocking swirling spheres, being projected from her horn. “As you can CLEARLY see here, the Copegasus model states that our planet, along with every other planet in the Solar System, revolves AROUND the Sun!”
Spike nodded, lethargically. “Uh-huh.”
“So when Princess Celestia is raising the sun, she’s TECHNICALLY rotating the entire planet to face the sun!” Twilight said, eyes wide and bloodshot.
“Mm-hmm.”
“But that doesn’t make any SENSE! What about the time both the Sun and Moon were up? What about eclipses? Or, remember when I was raising the Sun all goofy-like? The acceleration, the tidal forces, they must have been INSANE! HOW DID WE EVEN SURVIVE THAT?!”
Spike shrugged. “It’s magic. There doesn’t have to be an explanation.”
Twilight’s eyes narrowed to slits. “Just because it’s magic doesn’t mean it’s MAGIC, Spike. There HAS to be logic, a reason behind it!”
“Well, don’t ask me. All that mathy sciency stuff makes my head hurt.”
“Tch. No matter, Spike. There must be somepony with the answer! And I…” she pointed a hoof towards the horizon dramatically, “am going to find them!” She trotted out the door with intense purpose.
Spike gaped after her for a moment before shrugging again. “And I… am gonna take a nap.”
***
Rainbow Dash, belly planted in a soft cumulus, batted lazily at some clouds. Twilight hovered above her, wings furiously working up a small hurricane.
“According to the ancient texts, Star Swirl and a team of unicorns raised the Sun before the Celestial Era! But what about before ponies even EVOLVED?! Did another magical species, lost to prehistory, raise the sun? Was the planet tidally locked? Were there massive storm systems at the periphery of day and night? How did we even have a breathable atmosphere in such extreme conditions?”
Dash rolled over on her back, blinking slowly. “Maybe, I dunno… magnets?”
Twilight glared. “Magnets.”
"Yeah. I mean, like, the whole planet is a big magnet, right? Because of lava."
"Magma, you mean. "
"Whatever. Maybe the magnetic field does stuff."
"What sort of STUFF?!" Twilight practically spat the last word.
Rainbow rolled back onto her belly and closed her eyes. "I dunno how magnets work. That's your specialty, egghead."
***
Applejack gazed into the deep pit that had recently formed in her orchard and sighed loudly. Her ears caught the faint plop-plop-plop of trotting below.
“Sugarcube, your pacing is gonna wear a hole right to Equestria’s core.”
“It helps me think!” came the loud, annoyed reply.
“Why, fer corn’s sake, are you so preoccupied with figurin’ out the workin’s of the world? Like Granny Smith says, magic weaves as magic wills. Some things are just so because they’re just so, and not for mere ponies to know!”
The trotting stopped. Seconds later, a purple blur raged out of the hole and smashed down in front of Applejack, furling her wings in a tizzy.
“Intellectual curiosity, Applejack! The great magicians and thinkers of the past weren’t content to sit on their haunches and explain away the world with… with… SILLY PLATITUDES!”
Applejack blinked. “I dunno what a platitude is, but the sayin’s of Granny ain’t no way SILLY! Respect yer elders, Twilight!”
“ARGH! NEVERMIND!” Twilight screeched before flying away.
“Well, fer… that filly’s wound up tighter than a ball-bearing yo-yo after a one-and-a-half kink-mount flourish triple gunslinger done by a circus acrobat!”
***
Rarity’s squeal of delight echoed through her entire boutique.
“Of course! OF COURSE! EARTH TONE CHIC! Darling, you’ve just inspired my entire line for next fall!”
Rarity scrambled to levitate various bolts of fabric off the shelves, quickly lumping the earth tones into a varicolored pile.
“Fashion inspired by the planet itself! Simply DIVINE! And for magma accents, the reddest rubies! And perhaps glitter? Yes, gallons of it! Ohohohoho, I’m going to be up all night! If not ALL WEEK!” She began sketching madly.
Twilight sighed. “I’m not even sure why I came here.”
***
“So you seeeeeeeeee,” Pinkie Pie explained, gesturing at the complex amalgamation of baked goods she had assembled into a rudimentary model of the Higgs boson, “wavefunction collapse could POTENTIALLY generate alternate universes in which both states of the quantum superposition are realized!”
“Yes, but…”
“Of course that means there are a potentially infinite number of alternate universes out there! In fact, EVERY conceivable universe exists somewhere! Which means there’s one even one where CUPCAKES eat PONIES! How weird is THAT?!”
“I don’t see how…”
“Or, can you even imagine, a universe where I’m an alicorn? Or you’re married to Celestia? Or Rainbow Dash is a DUDE? Or intelligent life evolved from monkeys instead of horses? OOOoooOOOoooOOO CREEPY!”
“Actually, I’ve been to…”
“And what if you ran into an alternate version of yourself, but that version was the opposite gender? Or had weird tentacle thingies? Or had a really bad mane cut? Or…”
“PINKIE PIE!” Twilight shrieked. “What does ANY of this have to do with ANYTHING?”
“You asked about the secrets of the universe, silly! So do you wanna buy some cupcakes or what?” Pinkie flashed a huge grin.
***
“I’m s-sorry, Twilight, but I just can’t think of any powerful magical creatures that predate the evolution of ponies.” Fluttershy pawed at the carpet of her cottage.
“What about the Breezies?” Twilight said. “They have an ancient culture, right?”
“Well, yes, but they share a common evolutionary ancestor with ponies. Uh, so do the centaurs. And I don’t think dinosaurs were very magical. Er, literally magical, I mean. I’m sure seeing one in real life would be very magical!” Fluttershy’s eyes glistened briefly before she caught Twilight’s pained expression and shifted them downwards again. “B-but that’s not the sort of magic you mean, right?”
Twilight moaned and collapsed in defeat.
“M-Maybe there was some sort of magical amoeba! Or prokaryote! That was too small to fossilize!”
“Magical. Amoeba.”
“Wah, I’m sorry! I’m really more of a zoologist, not a paleontologist. I mean, uh, m-maybe you could talk to someone from the Canterlot Museum or….”
“Maybe.” Twilight sounded defeated.
“O-Oh my.” Fluttershy looked around frantically. “Would you like some tea? Or cake? Or a massage?”
“Thanks, Fluttershy, but I think I’ll just go home. I’m worn out.”
“I-If there’s anything I can do to he-”
“It’s fine, really. Maybe there’s something I missed in a book or whatever.” Twilight trudged out the door.
***
Spike stretched and yawned. “Ahh, I feel great~”
Twilight rolled around on her bed. “I’m glad one of us does, Spike.”
“Aww, are you still moping over that silly solar thing?”
Twilight twitched. “Silly…”
“Look, if it’s SUCH a big deal to you, why not write Celestia and ask her? I mean, she’s gotta know a lot about celestial things, right?”
There was a short, awkward silence of realization before Twilight leapt up in joy. “Spike, you’re a genius! Bring me my quill!”
Dear Princess Celestia…
***
The letter used up thirty-six scrolls of parchment. It took Spike nearly an hour to send it.
The reply came not five minutes later. Twilight tore into the letter eagerly.
My most faithful student, what a fascinating question you've posed! Fortunately, the answer is quite simple:
Magnets.
Love, Celestia.
Twilight's howl of frustration pierced even the depths of outer space, where it rang all the louder because there wasn't any air to get in the way.
