To Put it in a Tortoise Shell
*****
You see, I’m the type of guy who doesn’t like to take things too fast. “One foot in front of the other”: that’s the motto I go by. But when a hot-ass mare goes walking by me with her flank in the air, oh baby. My head gets spinning and swirling, my knees start knocking like an engine in a sandstorm, and my heart takes a swan dive into my stomach. Yeah, I guess you could call me a romantic.
First time I ever laid eyes on Miss Rainbow Dash, my heart took a dive and immediately started swimming laps. Can’t really explain exactly what it was. Something about the flank, definitely. Her whole sleek body, really, was all tight and muscled—another thing about me; I’m all about the athletic types. The way she flew, how her wings moved mesmerized me, like they were a pair of hypnotist’s pendulums swaying back and forth. Of course, her mane, with every single color of the bright rainbow; no words to describe how it made me feel whenever she tossed her mane around.
That first day we met, I just couldn’t take my eyes off of her. The entire time she was zooming around like a streak of blue lightning, way too fast for the eye to see. But I saw everything. Couldn’t miss a second, watching her work. I mean, it wasn’t really work, not for her at least. I couldn’t do those tricks in a million years, even if my life depended on it. How she flipped and dove through the air, up and over, around and around, busting those clouds with such flare and style, she made it look like a walk in the park. I didn’t want to tear my eyes away for even a second. She never noticed me, of course, but I’d get my chance later that day.
Later, we all got a chance to stand in the presence of her awesomeness and sheer bad-assery. We all stood in a line in front of her, all waiting to get our moment in the spotlight. Except for maybe one or two others, most of them looked like they were about to puke—and really, who could blame them. But I wasn’t like the rest of them. I was ready for her. We were destined to be together, I already knew it. It just took her a little longer to figure that out, but like I said: one foot in front of the other. I could wait.
Slowly, she came down the line to inspect every one of us. Every one of us got the honor to bask in her glow for a few shining seconds. Some of the others couldn’t even take that, and tapped out early. With each one she scrutinized, she got closer and closer to me. My heart started thundering in my chest like an avalanche. It took every ounce of self-control I possessed to keep my knees from shaking. I almost lost it, though; before she reached me, she did this little flip with her tail that made me nearly pass out. Then she was standing in front of me, and I knew that I’d be taking her home that night, and every other night afterwards. Then she looked at me straight in the eyes, and said:
“Seriously, Fluttershy, the turtle?”
I don’t remember much after that, so I’m pretty sure I passed out on the spot. Luckily, I don’t think she ever noticed, probably because I normally look like I’m a narcoleptic. My God, she was so hot. Makes me wish I was warm-blooded.
Now, when I said we all had a chance to bask in the warm glow from Rainbow Dash’s stupendously fine ass, I meant that in the same sense that ice cubes have a chance surviving in the center of the sun. None of the others really had any sort of chance with Rainbow Dash. I was the only one for her, and she knew it. Well, she didn’t know it right away; I had to enlighten her. It was the least I could do in return for her benevolently good looks.
So, I scratched and clawed my way through a few silly hoops that she had laid out for us. For anybody else, I coulda put on a dog and pony show with those hoops. But Rainbow didn’t need a showboat companion. Any goofy animal could jump a few flips and fetch a few sticks for somebody, but Rainbow didn’t need tricks or sticks. She needed a man. And that man was me.
Showing off doesn’t mean a thing until it really matters. The whole day I bided my time, patiently putting one foot in front of the other until I knew Rainbow was ready for me. See, with a girl like Rainbow Dash, you can’t just go blundering up and strutting your best stuff right out of the gate, then she’ll think you’re just trying to play one-uppy on her. Most of these other animals were trying to play her game, trying to show her what they could do. But to win the heart of my Rainbow Dash, I had to do more than just skip rope and recite the Star-Spangled Saddle. I had to stop playing her game, and she had to start playing mine.
It was the final event of the day, the last silly hoop to jump through: the race through Ghastly Gorge (dun-dun-duuun!). The sun was sinking low, and Rainbow still wasn’t ready for me, but I wasn’t worried. I’d have her home before nightfall.
The race was pretty boring, for the most part. Lotta rocks that all looked pretty much the same, some shrubs that took a while to walk around, a few cracks and chasms which took even longer to walk around. The other racers took off like bats outta hell when Rainbow had started the race. Of course, they’d never see the truth, that the point of a race was not to be the fastest. I took my time, one foot in front of the other. The sun was low and blazing orange on the horizon, but I’d take Rainbow home in the dark, if I had to.
But it was still getting late, and I knew Rainbow would be ready soon. When I came around a corner, sure enough there she was, calling out for me. She was trapped, her wing pinned beneath a boulder that had fallen in a rock slide. Had this meeting been under less perilous circumstances, my body would have done some things that’d be lewd to say in public. I mean, she was ready for me, and I was more ready than an overcooked T-bone steak. But first I had to rescue her from the rock that had pinned her wing.
Now, before you insinuate anything, I had nothing to do with the rock slide.The rock slide wasn’t even necessary, but it did give Rainbow a welcome shove in the right direction. Then I played my part by giving the boulder a little shove in the right direction. I pried my head beneath it, then let it roll aside with a tremendous ‘whump’. It felt slightly lighter than a packing peanut. Remember I mentioned that I could never hope to do those acrobatic flips that I’d seen Rainbow doing earlier that day. Pretty sure I could never have lifted that rock either—That is, without Rainbow Dash there. When she was freed, I carried her all the way back to the starting line.
We arrived just as the sun was going beneath the mountains. Rainbow’s friends all shouted and cheered as we arrived. The other racers, who had been so eager to be the first ones across the finish line, were all sitting around the winner’s circle, and I could already see the shame smeared on their faces. They weren’t in the winner’s circle at all; I was the winner’s circle. Rainbow Dash had won me.
Anyway, that’s putting a long story in a tortoise shell. The rest is history.
*****
