Lucky And The Search For Friends.

[writing is very shaky and almost totally illegible. There are still many spelling mistakes prevalent]

May 30 2015

I feel betrayed. I feel like someone offered there hand to pull me up, then let me fall down again just as they were pulling me up, in fact I feel a million times worse, like a close friend coldly pushed me down a flight of stairs, simply cause I made a single comment that they didn’t like. Some malevolent force has taken everything away from me, and life, nor god, nor whatever higher power exists out there has done anything to stop, or even help me in my time of need.

But mostly I feel betrayed by my family.

Parents are suppose to be there when you're young, parents are suppose to raise and nurture you, they’re suppose give you advice when you're first starting to make your way in the world, and they’re supposed to be around to embarrass you in front of your own kids, with stories of your childhood/teen years, and then pass on in a tearful farewell when you're 45. They aren’t suppose to be gone when your only 18, they aren’t suppose to leave when you're in a pickle. They aren’t suppose to be gone yet!

And now i’m alone. Alone, trapped, and with no one to comfort me. What am I suppose to do now, what point is there in surviving? What point is there doing anything?

[tear marks partly cover the bottom third page. Only a few snippets here and there are readable]

Why                                              help me

                       death          What do I do?                                                             pointless?

  no future, no hope?                                                 misery

                who                            why

help me                                 alone

                                                                              dying                         death

misery

Help me I’m scared.

--*--

The worst kind of sadness, is the crushing kind. Whether it be the soul crushing variety, hope crushing, dream crushing, happiness crushing, and all the ones in between, and in front and behind, crushing sadness is awful.The worst thing about it is that it often leaves one inbetween worlds, in between consciousness. When one is simply sad they are often still in our world, the world of life and energy, as sadness at its most formal level is simply another emotion in life that is needed to add variety, or context, or to even let our world work at all. When sadness is informal, when it shows its true appearance, when it embraces you, or you embrace it, at its fullest potential?

It is a damming feeling, that can break one into a million pieces.

A bumblebee lazily drifted in the sky. A bird briefly paused, and gave a quick look at it’s surroundings, before going back to worm hunting. A cat stretched out, in that way cats are so often to do, and quietly made its way back into it’s owner's abandoned house (it had found itself forced to get it’s own food recently, something that put it into a particularly miffed mood), all the while a stray dog dined on some particularly nice scraps it found.

A pony lay curled up in the darkest part of the basement, of a recently trashed house. There was no rocking back and forth, no crying, the pony simply lay there, almost completely motionless, aside from the slight rise and fall of its chest, indicating it was still alive. The wind rustled some grass, the leaves danced on the trees, and a metal bowl that had been teetering on a kitchen counter, some thirty blocks away from the pony finally tipped, and toppled noisily to the floor. The sun beamed brighter than ever. All over the country, the continent, various individuals tirelessly carried out work at survival. Various individuals carelessly embraced in the freedom of a non regulated society. And various individuals noisily screamed at the world. Some individuals simply did what the pony in the basement did.

They silently cried, without moving a muscle.

--*--

[writing is much more legible. There are still many spelling mistakes prevalent]

May 31 2015

Yesterday was horrible. Yesterday was the worst day of my life. It’s almost funny really, I always thought the worst day of my life would involve a lot more actual terrible physical events happening to me. Hell I thought the worse day of my life used to be a very, very, horrible school dance back in middle school, but yesterday tops that by a lot! Todays a little better. Still pretty bad, but atleast it’s not yesterday. Yesterday I felt broken. Today I just feel empty.

I haven’t been up to much, aside from eating almost every edible thing still left in the house. I was hungry alright, I hadn’t eaten since yesterday. Should probably stop eating so much in one go, it’s not good for the body. Should also probably start rationing, all the abundant premade food isn’t gonna last forever, though i could always learn how to cook. . .

Ya I better start rationing.

I. . . I don’t know what to do now. I feel confused, hurt, angry, and so many other things right now. . . I wish I had a friend.

--*--

She had decided to take a walk. just a simple one. Walks were suppose to clear the head. Walks were for when one wanted to calm down. So she walked (rather she trotted) around the neighbourhood. It was cloudy today, a dark overcast. For some reason she didn’t mind the cloudy sky. She almost wanted to simply jump up there and touch the cloud. To get away from it all.

She sighed and trotted on.

Then she felt a raindrop on her snout. It was a small one, barely noticeable, but very clearly felt simply from the speed it was going at. The sign of more rain. A few more stray drops plummeted to the ground, like a diver taking a leap from a tall cliff, and left noticeable little splashes in their wake. Then it started to rain in earnest. It wasn't a heavy rain, or a hard rain, it was a summer rain. Light a cheerful, friendly and playful.

At first she didn't know what to make of it. Then she felt something fresh in her heart, something she hadn't really felt in what felt like an eternity (since yesterday, and the day before that), something that started to fill that hollow cavity in her chest.

She felt happy to be alive.

She didn't know how long she spent out in the rain, frolicking, playing, laughing. She moved as fast as she could in the rain, trying to pick up her pace from a trot, to a canter, to a gallop, and though she failed she still laughed and took joy in the moment itself. She hopped about in the rain, trying to catch raindrops with her tongue, she rolled in the grass for no reason at all, she even tried to jump into the air and fly, though that always ended with her sprawled on the ground ever so slightly dazed, and she laughed all the while.

and just like that the rain stopped.

She lay down in the grass, sprawled in an awkward position on her pack, her wings splayed out on the ground. The sky still had a heavy overcast, but now it felt somehow. . . lighter? She simply lay there and took in all of the world around her. And then she started to think.

Lucas Tracy was dead. There was no denying that. whatever presence he had in the world, was either meaningless, or gone now. Any credentials he had, worthless with no one else around. His social life was also gone, his family was dust in the wind, he wasn't even in the right gender or body any more. Everything that really made Lucas Tracy Lucas Tracy, was gone. Everything but his mind (his memories really, cause was she even really sure that this was his mind any more). What use did the name Lucas Tracy have, if there was nothing of Lucas Tracy really left. That was that then. She was no longer Lucas Tracy.

She cast her gaze towards the sky. A smile, a very genuine and happy smile crept across her face. The rain had made her feel alive again, and if anything this new, nameless mare, was lucky to be alive, and so to celebrate those two things, and because everypony needed a name, she had the perfect name in mind for herself.

Lucky Raindrops.

And for some reason it just felt so. . . right.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------*----------------------------------------------------