Incase you didn't get the idea from the chapter name, this chapter is a joke. It starts right after Deadpool walked into his restroom.

About a minute later, the Merc with a Mouth left his bathroom and pulled out his own copy of Fallout Three, placed the disk in his PC and performed his jingle. “Blue skidoo, we can too!” Right after he finished his dance, he was sucked into the monitor.

Before we could have our fun, we heard what was essentially some weird, annoying music with a weird chanting to it. Turning, we saw what was a man in full red body suit with some black parts, dancing to the annoying music with the most terrible skills anyone in the Capital Wasteland could witness. He didn’t look like a Raider by any means, but he had two noticeable swords sheathed onto his back and two pistols holstered at the hip. We didn’t need to talk, as he wasn’t one of our men, nor was he from any other mercenary group we knew of, so, he must've fit into the completely fucking retard category.

"Stop stop stop!" I yelled, "You dance like a drunk guy who's also high on Ultra Jet trying to fuck! And yes, I know what that looks, and feels, like." Jason simply shook his head in agreement while trying to avoid picturing the scene I described.

“Busquz me!!!” The stranger replied like a sassy black woman, somehow, wearing a pre-war granny outfit, complete with a fake wig, “Do you haves any idea how swag I look with that type of dancin’!? Girls be on my d**k like Luna is with me!... Raow.” He disappeared and reappeared next to us and we both jumped back in surprise. “So, whatcha both doin’? Finding Caps? Finding that one thing you’ve been sent for? Getting to level twenty? Or do you guys have the Broken Steel DLC?”

Jason and I shared a quick glance before I realised something, "Magic... Fuckin' hate it already." I sighed before looking back at the guards we were supposed to incapacitate and yelled, "Really, here too! God damn it we're talking, you guys don't need to fucking stop!"

“Magic!? Pfft! I don’t use magic.” He picked me up. “Unless… you want to make magic… in bed, you sexy thing.” I felt his hand grab my ass and, in spite of what Jason may think, I didn't enjoy it.

Too much...

"I've done a lot of things, and your crazy ass isn't going to be one of them," Jason whistled at me and I glared at him, "No, I do regret fucking that one ghoul."

“Hm… kinky.” He turned to see the guards, who I noticed were all females and were still frozen in place. “...Wait a minute… what are you doing with these mares?”

"Knocking them out with nonlethal means," I replied as he set me down, "So that’s what a bitch in this world is called."

“Uh, yeah… mares are female horses you dumb f**k. Or, in this case, ponies! Sweet, mostly innocent, adorable ponies that just want me to cuddle with them and make ‘em squeak!”

Okay, this guy was either crazy as all Hell, high on some really extreme shit or was grade A retarded, "Fuck you and your shit, anyone on the east coast knows that horses died out in the Great Plague of twenty ninety. Who the fuck are you and why shouldn't I duct tape your dick to a mininuke?"

“Ah, don’t be such a spoiled sport. Call me Deadpool; it rhymes with ‘No school’, ‘Too cool’, ‘Ain’t no fool’, and ‘I’m the best there is at what I do’. And, if you want a D**k, then you might enjoy films with Dick Van Dike!”

Yeah, I was pretty sure I, or him, was as high as a Vertibird... but this was still not the single craziest person I've ever met, "One question Deadpool, where the fuck is that damn bleeping noise coming from, because I really want to break whatever the damn Hell is making it."

“Censorship. I know, I f**king hate it as well. Happens every time I swear." Deadpool casually replied, as if a magical censorship curse was a ordinary thing, "MrAquino knows I hate it and has made it a curse on me. For example... F**K YOU YOU FAT MOTHER F**KER!!! EAT A PIECE OF S**T AND MICHAEL BAY’S D**K, YOU C**T!!!... See? Censorship.”

Okay, fuck this. I pulled my backpack off and reached in, grabbing something I've been saving for a special occasion or as a finisher to a hot date and a long, but fun, night, "Here, go play with explosives."

I held out a remote detonator and a mininuke I rigged to it for the weird fuck to take.

“...Really? I’ve seen enough Looney Toons to know where this is going. If you want to trick me, then you gotta be like ‘Hey! You’re going to get Deadpool 2 right now!’ and with that, then I’ll take it and reply with something witty like ‘Finally! And after another failure of Fantastic 4, you deserve this money!’ Let’s try it, shall we?”

Jason whistled and I nodded, "Fuck it, go ahead." With that, Jason wrapped some duct tape around Deadpool's mouth and I helped him tape the explosive to the freak's crotch. Both of us took an end and picked him up, swinging him towards the deeper part of the mine.

After he landed at what I'd call a safe distance, and what Jason would call danger close, I picked the detonator up and pulled the trigger, the distinct mushroom cloud of Hell fire was the final word in that conversation, "I'm really starting to hate my job... but damn it if the perks ain't awesome."

Jason whistled at me and I realised he was right, "Fuck, we caused a cave in, how the fuck do we get paid now?" Another explosion made us jump. Deadpool came out, now with a white robe over his suit & had on fake, long brown hair & a beard.

“I am Jesus!” He proclaimed “My father loves me! Watch as I turn these two f**kbois into p***ies!” He teleported back to us and sucker punched Jason in the face. “AND HE’S DOWN!!! SUCK IT, B***H!!!” He pulled out and threw a... black dick -I didn't even know they could come without the guy attached!- at Jason’s face. “And, if you’re wondering, I get lonely sometimes… and I like it in the butt every now & then.”

With a couple of whistles, Jason sat up, "Jason says that he's been punched by ghouls with their arms almost rotted off, and yet you managed worst." I pulled my two Plasma Defenders out and aimed them at the freak's face, "Was there a reason you're here, or are you just looking for someone to end your misery?"

“Well… I wish I had more of a reason rather than help this story get at least one hundred more views and make the author feel happy with them… but at the same time, I’ve experimented many times and I can’t die! Seriously! Try it out. Go on… I’ll show ya.”

Without any warning, or really needing the prompt, Jason wrapped his left arm around the crazy fuck's throat and picked him up. His right hand pulling his twelve-point-seven out of its holster and placing the barrel flush with the man's temple before spraying a quick burst into his skull.

"Half an inch wide per bullet, that should keep ya down." I chucked as I aimed my plasma pistols at the mares before I sent a disabling shot into one leg each, the wounds leaking the deadly fourth state of matter but thankfully I didn't dismember them with a critical hit, "and you bitches, hit them kness!"

“Hold on… give me moment.” The fucker’s still alive!? He stood back up, albeit he stumbled a bit, and we saw the clean hole in his head filling up on it’s own until it was completely healed. “Ta-Da! I’m still alive! And not a zombie! … Unless you count the Marvel Zombie comics… oh wait… I was bitten there, and real zombies hate my flesh… Ooh! I won’t be in the Twilight remakes! SUCK IT, BLADE!!!”

"Okay... that was impressive and I once saw a man take a missle to the chest..." I replied as Jason was taping the injured guards up.

“Then I took an arrow to the knee.” Out of nowhere, a arrow flew and hit him in the knee. “AHH!!!”

"How about a hatchet to the face?" Imagine my surprise when a hatchet flew outta nowhere and cracked his skull open, "Sweet. Make it rain bullets, energy weapon cells, sexy naked people, explosives and liquor of all kinds!"

Jason whistled at me and I deflated, "Right, underground. Fucking ripoff."

“You know what’s also a ripoff? THIS!!!” Deadpool grabbed both of our heads… and farted in our faces for more than ten seconds. It penetrated our breathing masks and... well, let's just say that Raider corpses were a bottle of Nuka-cola compared to the smell. “See, and this is why you don't get Taco Bell...and why I should've worn brown pants.” We saw a brown blotch appear on the ass of his pants.

I wasn't happy.

I knew Jason wasn't happy.

The injured guards were moaning from pain, and likely from the stench, so they weren't happy.

The only one here who was happy was the fucking freak in the weird ass costume, which was a guess seeing as he wore as full face mask. That somehow resembled his emotions.

“And I ain't gonna explain why!” he blurted, pushing us both away. “And nor this!” He somehow pulled out a top hat, a freshly cleaned one, might I add, and a cane with a song playing seemingly out of nowhere.

♬Hello, my baby
Hello, my honey
Hello, my ragtime gal

Send me a kiss by wire
Baby, my hearts on fire

If you refuse me
Honey, you'll lose me
Then you'll be left alone

Oh baby, telephone
And tell me I'm your own♬

He flopped to the floor and croaked like a frog.

That broke me; not the fact that I died nor the magical horse people, the stupid belief that some cunt can raise the fucking sun or that me and Jason accepted a contract on some faggot slaver king.

Jason simply pulled his sub out and shot himself in the head, I nodded numbly before placing my shotgun to my chin and saying a single word before I pulled the trigger, "Nope."

Deadpool stood back up and looked over the bodies of the Mercs. “Huh… guess they never watched Looney Toons.” He commented, poking Jason's body with a stick. “Man, I know the post-apocalypse is tough, but they should watch some cartoons!... Oh yeah, different universe. Well… if I'm gonna leave right now, only one thing to do!!!”

He pulled out a sharpie pen. “I'm doing this for you, Jiggly Puff!!! You'll always be the best Before-Lady Gaga impersonator in anime and Pokémon!!!” He chuckled to himself as he drew the Pringles guy mustache on Jacob with buck teeth, the troll face, and a detailed, near realistic drawing of Leonardo Dicaprio bashing the bullet hole with his Oscar. As for the other, he drew an anime style cat face all over his face, though he had enough space to make a speech bubble saying ‘I <3 Dicks’, followed by multiple genitalia popping out of each pellet hole.

“And now, the sexy part!” he took theirs clothes off and replaced them with cowboy outfits, followed by posing their bodies to make it look like they were spooning each other. To add more insult to injury, Deadpool gave both his special brand of vvibrators, hacking their Pip-boy's codes and making them quest items. When he was done, he turned to the mares.

“... You better get home quickly.”

Author's Note

Well, this happened... Yeah, this whole chapter is non-canon. Deadpool was written by MrAquino. It started when I asked him if he could check and make sure I wasn't messing up Deadpool's character, but spiralled out of control and became this. Please tell me what you think! Please.