Walkies

by Fernin

Rating: everyone
Tags: Other, Comedy, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 15005

Two ponies: the stallion wishes he was a royal guard. The mare thinks she's a dog. THEY FIGHT CRIME!

Being the night security guard for Ponyville General Hospital is a boring and thankless job-- especially for Vigilance, who has his heart set on becoming a member of the Equestrian Royal Guard. Unfortunately both his current job and his future career are now in jeopardy thanks in part to a ridiculous incident in which Rainbow Dash broke in at night to steal a book, of all things. A book!

Now to save his job a reluctant Vigilance is saddled (pun unintended) with a new and frustrating duty: assisting in the treatment of his least favorite patient, an unidentified mare who thinks she's a dog.

Can Vigilance swallow his pride for long enough to get "Screw Loose" the exercise therapy she needs, or will her canine antics drive him barking mad?

Author's Note: Thanks to my prereaders, including Sapphire, Rated,and Ezefilly.

I came up with this idea ages ago as something I could write easily by hand when I didn't have access to a computer. And now thanks to the magic of "long exercise which gave me time to write," here it is!

Special thanks to Arrkhal on deviantart for drawing the picture that gave me the idea for this story in the first place.

Oh, and sorry for the potentially misleading short description... This cried out for a "they fight crime" thing, and I couldn't figure out something more accurate that would fit in the space provided ha ha.

Published 2012-06-07 06:24:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-06-12 21:47:51 UTC

Chapter 02

Vigilance trudged slowly into Doctor Stable’s office. The atmosphere of the place reminded him of their meeting earlier in the week when he’d come off his shift only to find that his life was going to be made a living nightmare. The clock on the wall still ticked off the seconds. Piles of papers and dusty books still covered the doctor’s desk. It was all much the same. What was different was Vigilance himself.

“You wanted to see me, Doctor Stable?” A quiet plop punctuated Vigilance’s question. A clump of mud, formerly as one with his dirt-smeared body, had finally dropped free and splattered the floor. A few more joined it as he looked down to regard the little brown globs which now marred the fancy carpet. The earth pony stared at the brown splotches for a moment, hoping they would leave a stain.

The unicorn didn’t do Vigilance the disservice of asking an inane question like, ‘so how are you,’ or ‘by Luna’s moon-crossed flank, what happened?’ Instead, Doctor Stable got right down to brass tacks. “I take it that today’s outing didn’t go well.”

“If, sir, you’re referring to the easy walk around the Ponyville General Hospital grounds, no. No it did not.” Vigilance and Doctor Stable paused to watch another glob of mud slide down to the floor. When it reached the carpet, the security guard felt able to continue his report. “Ms. Pony spotted a squirrel and decided to chase it.”

The clock’s pendulum swung, its mechanisms whirring as it marked the slow passage of time. Doctor Stable’s ever-present smile faded slightly. “And?”

“Well the good news is, she treed the squirrel before it got to the Everfree Forest and I was able to catch up with her. Eventually,” Vigilance concluded sourly.

After biting his lip pensively for a moment, the unicorn brightened. “Ah! Ms. Pony does have a certain kind of biscuit she likes. Nurse Tenderheart uses them when she needs to get Ms. Pony to sit still for a checkup. Maybe for Wednesday’s excursion to the dam you could bring some along?”

“Biscuits? As in, dog biscuits? Seriously?” asked the security guard.

Doctor Stable grinned encouragingly. “It’s never been known to fail.”

* * *

Water drizzled down from Vigilance’s drooping mane and waterlogged uniform. The carpet in Doctor Stable’s office had been scrubbed clean of the mud of the security guard’s previous visit, but the janitor might as well not have bothered. A dark wet spot was replacing the earlier mud stain, spreading rapidly across the floor.

Doctor Stable glanced up and looked like he was about to ask the obvious question. Vigilance saved him the trouble. “The biscuits didn’t work.”

“Aha.” The unicorn adjusted his glasses, peering in concern at the bedraggled security guard. “And… is everything else all right?”

“Ms. Pony really enjoyed her trip to the Ponyville Hydrothaumic Dam.” With his flat, noncommittal tones, Vigilance might have been discussing Ponyville’s next scheduled rainstorm. It was that or risk the explosion sure to follow if he allowed even a modicum of emotion into his voice.

“Oh, that’s good! And I see you, ah, got into the spirit of things?” Doctor Stable inquired hopefully.

“She dived into the water after some ducks, sir. She could have ended up in the turbines.” Vigilance shook his head for a moment. A silvery minnow dropped out of one ear and flopped about on the floor, gasping for breath much like Vigilance had done after rescuing the madmare from her impulsive plunge into the dam’s reservoir.

The doctor gaped. “Sweet Celestia! Is she all right? Are you all right?”

“I…” Vigilance’s gaze flicked for a moment to the clutter on Doctor Stable’s desk. There among the yellowed envelopes and creamy white piles of paper he could see a single spot of color—a pink slip with his name on it. Literally. He had to be strong. A few more days of this wouldn’t kill him. He hoped. “I’m fine. We’re both fine. I just need to keep her on a tighter leash, is all.”

“A leash?!” Eyes bulging, Doctor Stable rose indignantly from behind his desk. A wave of the exhausted guard’s hoof brought the unicorn up short.

“Figuratively speaking, sir.” If only it wasn’t. When Vigilance put his hoof back down, the sodden carpet squelched.

Vigilance glanced at the pink slip, still visible under a pile of paper that was slightly taller than before. It was beginning to look almost tempting. But no. His future as a night security guard and therefore his eventual career as a royal guard was on the line. At least things couldn’t get any worse than they already were.

* * *

“…So as it turns out, some ponies were having some kind of ‘pony pet play date’ there. A cat was involved.” Vigilance paused for a moment, watching Doctor Stable massage the bridge of his muzzle and readjust his glasses. The usual sunny smile on the unicorn’s face didn’t seem so cheerful now.

“And?” prompted the doctor, though he obviously didn’t want to hear the rest.

“Well, after Screw Loose treed the cat, she grabbed the… alligator, I think… and she and the, uhm, the dog—” Vigilance narrowly avoided saying ‘the other dog’—“went running all around the park for a while. I think she enjoyed herself. Except for the part where she came back to see the cat again and it tried to claw her face off.”

Doctor Sable winced, not even noticing the guard’s use of the derogatory nickname for Ms. Pony. At the moment, it seemed almost appropriate. “Is she…?”

“Resting comfortably. I don’t think she even needed any stitches.” Vigilance didn’t smile. Dislike for Screw Loose hardly translated into wanting to see the madmare get hurt. But that didn’t stop him from adding, “Sir, this is getting ridiculous. Ponies are talking.”

“I know. I know,” sighed the doctor. He slid a few papers out of a folder and stared at them. Screw Loose had certainly had a busy and exciting week. Monday: A walk around the grounds of Ponyville General. Result, near disaster. Tuesday: kept in room for observation. Result, no incidents. Wednesday: a trip by the Ponyville Hydrothaumic Dam. Result, near disaster again. Thursday… Doctor Stable knew that Thursday’s excursion would forever be known as the ‘Apple Cart Incident.’ He’d have to remember to send the Apple family a formal apology. Friday: Kept in room for observation… and recovery from Thursday. Result, no incidents. And now… Now there was Saturday. Sure to go down in Ponyville General history as the ‘Playdate Incident,’ or possibly the ‘Great Pet Fiasco.’ The unicorn had no doubt that the inventive—and merciless—nurses would think of something appropriately pithy.

Vigilance watched Doctor Stable expectantly. The unicorn stared down at the tersely worded reports spread out on the desk. As the silence dragged on, the earth pony noticed the corner of a pink slip of paper had moved out from under the paperwork pile and back to the folder and was resting threateningly in an open spot once again. The note had been hanging over his head, a cheerfully colorful storm cloud ready to unleash its fury onto the shambles of his career. He’d made a mockery of himself to avoid it, but it kept following him all the same. “Doctor Stable, I hope you don’t think I’m doing this on purpose. You can come along and see it for yourself if you don’t believe me. She does this on her own. But if she keeps this up she’s going to get hurt. She’s crazy. I can’t keep her from doing crazy things.”

“I… I know.” Sighing again, Doctor Stable nodded. “Let’s just hope that the last session this week goes without incident.”

Vigilance stared. The doctor didn’t look like he was joking, but… “You really want me to take her to Whitetail Wood?”

“Of course,” Doctor Stable said with a nervous grin. “After all, what’s the worst thing that—ahem. I mean, of course. We should at least finish up the current exercise therapy regimen before I make any changes. Screw Loose has been doing much better. She’s unquestionably been much calmer lately and I think we can both agree that is in everypony’s best interests. Please report back after tomorrow’s session and we’ll discuss the future.”

“Thank you, sir.” Barely holding back a snort of derision, Vigilance left the office. ‘Calmer.’ Hah. Screw Loose had been calmer all right. Calmer because she spent most of her time in the hospital room resting to recover her energy after running around having the time of her life and nearly depriving Vigilance of his.

A smiling Nurse Sweetheart met the fuming guard before he could take more than a few steps out of the office. “Hey, Vig. Got that cutie mark in pet handling, yet?”

The guard growled something uncomplimentary under his breath and continued down the hall, but to Vigilance’s irritation the pinkish mare fell into step beside him and tried again. “So, how are things going with Ms. Pony?”

“Poorly.” Vigilance kept going.

“You know, she’s really quite a sweetheart—and I would know,” the nurse joked.

Rolling his eyes, Vigilance let out the snort he’d held in while in Doctor Stable’s office. “You haven’t had to put up with her like I have. What’s the point? She’s nuttier than a fruitcake!”

Nurse Sweetheart halted, slight smile suddenly gone. “I haven’t had to put up with her? Do you have any idea what she was like when we found her? She was curled up and crying like a little puppy who’d lost her mother! It took us—and by ‘us’ I mean mostly me— the better part of six years to get her to where she is now, Vigilance!”

“Oh good.” Sarcasm dripped from every word as Vigilance rounded on the mare. “Maybe in a few more years we can take her to the annual dog show in Canterlot.”

The mare’s forehoof cracked across Vigilance’s face quick as lightning and twice as stinging. Shaking his head to clear it, the security guard glowered at Nurse Sweetheart—only to turn away to avoid her gaze. The nurse’s eyes blazed like twin tongues of blue flame. “Don’t you ever talk about her that way! She is a pony, just like you and me!”

“I didn’t mean… You know what? Fine. But here’s how I see it,” Vigilance snapped. His cheeks burned and long-banked fires behind his own eyes flared up to match the nurse’s searing glare. “You busted your flank to help that mare, Sweetheart. You have, and so have I. And what do we have to show for it? Not a moon-banished thing. A pony who still thinks she’s a dog and doesn’t have any reason to behave any differently because she gets more attention as she is. Hooray for us.”

Vigilance stalked away, leaving the angry Nurse Sweetheart behind as he continued up the hall. He’d never seen her like this. He should go back and apologize. He should… He should… No. If Sweetheart—more like Bleeding Heart—wanted to get teary-eyed over a pony who enjoyed living off the goodwill of others, that was her problem. But if she—

A happy bark interrupted Vigilance’s seething thoughts. It was a sound he’d heard far too many times in the past week. Without noticing it, the security guard had wandered into the psychiatric ward, right past Screw Loose’s room. The madmare was pressed against her observation window, her body swathed in a sheet that had gotten wrapped around her when she leaped off her bed. The sheet waved back and forth with the happy wagging of her tail.

“Buck off, you mangy mutt,” Vigilance snarled.

Screw Loose’s eyes widened, her ears flattening against her skull as she dropped from the window and backed away. The wagging tail slowed and she whined piteously.

Vigilance was in no mood for the crazy mare’s games. “What have you ever done for anypony besides accept their kindness? Why do you deserve my help?”

The mare sagged, looking nervously from the window to the door. She backed away further under Vigilance’s angry stare. After another moment more of weathering the stallion’s gaze, it became too much for Screw Loose. Tail between her legs, she retreated to the far side of her bed and out of sight.

“Crazy mare.” With a snort, Vigilance turned and started to leave. The only thing he wanted now was a bath and a quiet night in bed. And some salt. Definitely some salt.

Vigilance frowned, thinking of his dwindling supply of the stuff. He might have to pick up some more if this farce went any longer. Through his career as a security guard he’d never been more than a ‘two licks a week’ stallion, but in the past week he’d gone through nearly his entire salt supply—and he’d only had any at all thanks to a birthday present from his cousin in Appleoosa.

With his mind full of roiling, distracted thoughts Vigilance almost failed to notice the faint keening sounds. Almost. He stopped, his ears swiveling to pick up the strange noise. It seemed high, yet quiet. After a moment the sound cut off, punctuated by a soft yelping bark. When the noise started again, the security guard recognized it for what it was: Screw Loose was crying.

“Serves her right,” muttered Vigilance. He lifted a hoof to continue walking away. He stopped again. Grumbling, he turned back and retraced his steps.

The door to Psychiatric Ward Room Three swung open at Vigilance’s touch to reveal an apparently empty room. He could hear the soft, dog-like weeping coming from behind the bed. The security guard waited for a moment to see if Screw Loose would come to greet him, but she remained in hiding.

“Screw Loose?” Vigilance said. He could hear the mare shifting slightly at the sound of her name, but she stayed where she was. “Screw Loose, I’m sorry that…”

The security guard hesitated. Was he really going to try to apologize to a madmare? Would Screw Loose even understand him? She certainly hadn’t grasped such complex concepts as, ‘don’t dive into the water near the intakes for the dam turbines’ or, ‘don’t go running into the Everfree Forest’ earlier in the week, had she?

With a sigh, Vigilance gave up. “Buck it. Look, I’m going home. I’ll see you tomorrow, Screw Loose. Like I said, sorry. Just… stop doing stupid things, okay?”

For a moment the security guard thought he might have glimpsed the barest edge of an unkempt silvery mane as Screw Loose peeked out from her hiding place. Vigilance shut the door behind him and trotted briskly down the hall, shaking his head at his own stupidity.

* * *

“Here, Screw Loose. Stay close to me,” snapped Vigilance. The two ponies trotted slowly down the road towards the tree-dotted park on the edge of Whitetail Wood. Despite Vigilance’s explosion on the previous day, the madmare still clung to his side as though the earlier unpleasantness had been utterly forgotten. Perhaps it had. Other than her shape, the crazy pony was every bit the dog she thought she was.

Vigilance ignored the puzzled looks and pointing colts and fillies as he trotted around the outskirts of the town with his charge. He’d gotten enough of that over the past week to last him a lifetime, but it had quickly become just another part of the job. This was what happened when some poor stallion had to take a madmare out among normal ponies. There was talk.

The security guard glanced over to Screw Loose. All she needed was a straightjacket and she’d easily be able to pass as a Nightmare Night partier with an extremely poor sense of timing. Nurse Sweetheart had made an effort to clean up the crazy pony—shooting angry looks at the waiting Vigilance the entire time—but Screw Loose’s wispy silver mane and tail had regained their usual unkempt tangle within a few minutes of leaving Ponyville General. At least she wasn’t wearing the usual hospital gown, and—whoops!

“Screw Loose! Heel.” Vigilance’s order headed off what would likely have become another two-hour hunt across the countryside. Looking longingly at the squirrel she’d been about to chase, Screw Loose huffed irritably and moved closer to her escort once again.

Vigilance scrutinized the mare for a moment, watching for the telltale signs that she was putting on a show of obedience while preparing to bolt. That had been her trick on Wednesday before she’d gone for her little swim in the reservoir. His eyes met the crazed mare. She gazed dumbly back at him. He waited a moment more and nodded. “All right. No funny business, Screwy. Let’s go.”

Quick as lightning a smile flashed across Screw Loose’s face. Her eyes sparkled delightedly and the slight smile turned into a genuine grin. Vigilance blinked in surprise, and the mare’s visage was back to her usual vacant, unintelligent expression. He stared. “Did you just…?”

“Bark! Bark bark ruff!” the mare replied, her tail wagging furiously. Further examination by Vigilance did nothing to crack Screw Loose’s poker face—or rather, dog face.

“…Never mind.” Sighing, Vigilance turned and led Screw Loose forward. The mare trotted happily at his side as the pair moved deeper into the park.

Everything about the park seemed relaxing. Birds chirped and sang, wheeling lazy circles in the warm, rising air of the late afternoon. A gentle breeze rustled through the leaves on the trees and blew gently across the path, bringing with it the fresh scents of the forest. Two fillies ran by, laughing and bouncing a ball back and forth as they raced down the path. Vigilance watched them go, fighting to keep a grin off his face. Finally he gave in and smiled.

“Wurf?” Screw Loose’s ears pricked up. She kept pace with Vigilance, but her head turned as she moved, focusing on a single spot.

Following the madmare’s curious gaze, Vigilance frowned. Off to the side of the path was the single note of disharmony in the otherwise peaceful scene. It should have been a picnic—a large basket no doubt full of treats rested beside a smooth red-and-white checkered blanket. On the blanket a mare and a stallion, both earth ponies, had their heads bent in quiet yet heated conversation. First the yellow mare hissed something, her voice high with restrained emotion. The gray stallion’s responded, his voice an angry rumble. He stopped halfway through his retort and glanced around as if distracted, then turned back and said something sharp—and slightly louder at the mare. The female’s strikingly green eyes flashed and she snarled something in response, standing and taking a few steps off the blanket.

“No, Screw Loose. Heel.” If Vigilance had had a leash on his charge—and oh how he wished for one, especially now—he would have jerked it meaningfully. The crazy pony was starting to drift off the path, gravitating towards the arguing couple. “No! Bad girl. Come here!”

Her ears drooping, Screw Loose whined and returned to Vigilance’s side. The security guard picked up the pace, eager to get his charge out of the area before the madmare became the center of yet another disaster. The couple looked upset enough; they didn’t need some crazy pony romping into the middle of their argument to make things worse.

A minute or two of hurried cantering took Vigilance out of the park’s clearing and into a small stand of trees. He breathed a sigh of relief and relaxed the pace a bit. He’d managed to get Screw Loose through an unexpected situation without her doing anything... screwy.

The volume of the picnickers’ argument had been rising even as they faded into the distance, but now it was no longer audible. Vigilance sighed. That was better. It was so peaceful here. It wasn’t the quiet, blue-tinted darkness of Ponyville General Hospital during the usual night shift, but it was calming and pleasant all the same. And Screw Loose was actually behaving. If she would act like this more often, this job might actually be—wait. It was too quiet. Why couldn’t the security guard hear panting, or snuffling, or other canine sounds to his right?

Vigilance froze. He looked at Screw Loose. More accurately, he looked at the empty space where the mare would have been if she hadn’t just given him the slip. Again.

A/N:This is what I was thinking of when writing the bit about Vigilance being covered in mud. Just so you know. Tee hee hee.

I mulled over how to do the ‘montage of failure’ with the different ways things would go wrong for our heroes during the scheduled exercise. This version came out the best—when I tried depicting all the scenes of chaos and carnage wrought by Screw Loose, it got repetitive really quickly.

And if you’re wondering when I’ll show Vigilance apologizing to Nurse Sweetheart, the answer is… NEVER! HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA ahem. Actually, Vig didn't even apologize to Screwy in my initial draft. I just had him storm off after yelling at her. My pre-readers convinced me that that made him unlikeable, though. Shame on you, Fernin; stick to your guns.

Chapter 03

Screw Loose was gone. Gone! How could Vigilance have been so inattentive? So stupid? Grinding his teeth in frustration, the stallion began his search for the missing pony.

“Screw Loose? Hey, Screw Loose!” A quick sweep of the stand of trees revealed that it was distressingly free of crazy, wide-eyed earth ponies. Vigilance cast his net wider than before, breath quickening as his head whipped this way and that. Where could she be?

Sharp barks bounced off the trees. Vigilance looked up. He knew that bark. He’d heard it often enough in the past week to last him a lifetime, after all. His ears swiveled as Screw Loose’s voice sounded again, carrying across the park from the clearing he had recently crossed. Suddenly the madmare’s barks were joined by a shrill scream. With a groan, the security guard realized where Screw Loose had gone: she’d made a beeline for the couple on the picnic blanket.

Vigilance’s hooves dug into the soft clay of the trail as he sprinted back out of the trees and into the clearing, galloping back to the picnic. Make that former picnic. The site was a wreck: pristine red and white blanket, muddied and disheveled; basket of delectable snacks, upended and trampled. Instead of arguing with each other, the two earth pony picnickers were shouting at Screw Loose.

“Screw Loose!” Vigilance roared. The madmare didn’t respond. Rear in the air and tail waving, she snuffled at the ground. At the basket. At the irate gray stallion and mortified yellow mare.

The madmare was leaving the picnic now, nose to the ground as she followed yet another of her unexplainable whims towards the tree line. Vigilance sped up. Oh, no. She wasn’t getting away again that easily. “Screwy, get over here! NOW!”

With the sound of her escort’s voice finally catching Screw Loose’s attention, the mental patient jerked in surprise. Her head came up and she turned to the rapidly approaching security guard, barking frantically. Vigilance didn’t slow down as he neared the mare. How dare she? Just when he’d thought she might actually act fairly normal for once, she’d gone and done this.

Screw Loose barked again and looked as though she wanted to run, but her hooves stayed rooted to the spot. Vigilance finally came to a stop almost on top of the madmare, looming over her threateningly. “No! Bad girl! Come with me, now!”

As firmly as he could, Vigilance bit down on the scruff of Screw Loose’s neck. He muttered what apologies he could to the shocked and angry picnickers and, struggling against the whining mental patient, began to drag her away. Forget the Apple Cart Incident; this absolutely took the cake. The security guard just hoped Doctor Stable would do the right thing after this. And that he wouldn’t blame Vigilance for the latest—

“Wait!” cried the yellow mare.

“Huh?” Vigilance let go of Screw Loose for a moment and looked in surprise as both picnickers hurried towards him. At his side, a chastened Screw Loose whined and settled on her haunches.

“We need to talk to you!” the gray stallion exclaimed.

Sighing, Vigilance nodded and launched into the same explanation he’d had to repeat at least half a dozen times in the past few days. “Look, I’m very sorry about Scr—er, about Ms. Pony, here. You see, this is all part of Ponyville General Hospital’s—”

“Have you seen String Bean?” the mare interrupted.

“‘…String beans?’” Vigilance blinked. The world had clearly gone as mad as Screw Loose. Any minute now somepony else was going to come up to Vigilance and start meowing like a cat.

“String Bean! Our son!” The distraught yellow mare was practically babbling, her words coming fast and blurred by near panic. “Have you seen him, officer?”

“Oh, I’m not an…” Finally it clicked. The picnickers were reacting to Vigilance’s appearance. He obviously wasn’t a royal guard—yet—but the official-looking shirt and equipment belt of the Ponyville General Hospital security uniform definitely gave him the air of authority. His mind kicked into overdrive and he tried to remember every book he’d ever studied on the subject of guard procedure. “W-what else can you tell me? When did you last see him?”

“I…” the stallion started. He hesitated and looked at the mare, presumably his wife. “It couldn’t have been more than a half hour ago…”

“It was forty minutes, Rocky,” the mare corrected.

The stallion—‘Rocky’—growled in annoyance. “That’s practically the same thing! Lemon, so help me, if you don’t stop correcting me…”

Vigilance coughed to get the couples’ attention before they could start bickering again. No questions as to how they let their child run off for twenty minutes without noticing, then. “Okay! So it was forty minutes ago. He couldn’t have gotten far. What did he look like?”

“He has a light green coat and darker green mane. He’s about this tall.” Holding up a hoof, rocky indicated String Bean’s height. Vigilance nodded.

“More of a lime green for the pelt,” Lemon interjected. Rocky shot her a searing glare.

“Green, got it.” Didn’t these two ever let up? Vigilance tried to think of what to say next. “Do you know where he might have gone? Where have you already looked?”

“Nowhere yet! We were trying to decide how to look when she showed up. What’s wrong with her, anyway?” Rocky leveled and accusing hoof at Screw Loose. The madmare growled and scooted back a bit to hide behind her escort.

Vigilance would rather have endured a month as the slave of a diamond dog gang than to spend a single minute talking about Screw Loose’s mental problems at a time like this. He waved a dismissive hoof. “Never mind about her. We need to find your colt.”

“Wurf!” agreed Screw Loose. Vigilance casually pushed her down into a prone position as he grinned sheepishly at the staring couple. Fortunately the mare lay down without making a fuss.

“Anyway,” Vigilance continued. “Where was he when you saw him last? What was he doing?”

“Uh…” Lemon cast a confused glance at Screw Loose. Her mouth tightened and she turned back to Vigilance. “Over there on the other side of the clearing. He had his little paper boat. If Rocky hadn’t—”

“That’s rich,” snapped Rocky. “Who was the one who brought up next Thursday?”

“Oh, excuse me for being an attentive wife!” Lemon hissed.

“ENOUGH! What is wrong with you ponies? Your child is missing! Priorities!” Vigilance’s roar cut through the renewed feud. Marital bliss was clearly a stranger to these two, but he would be banished to the moon before he let that stop him from helping to find the missing colt.

Vigilance snapped off a series of orders that brooked no disagreement. “Lemon. You stay here in case Bean Pole comes back.”

“String Bean,” Lemon corrected. “Right.”

“Rocky, you come with me.” Without waiting for the stallion to raise any objection, Vigilance whistled for Screw Loose and cantered purposefully towards the edge of the clearing. After a moment’s hesitation, the other stallion followed him.

As the trio neared the tree line, Vigilance was gratified to see Screw Loose dutifully matching his pace and staying with him. She avoided his glances, looking mostly at the ground as she ran. The security guard found himself nodding in satisfaction. Good. She should feel bad. She had a talking-to coming to her when all this was over.

Vigilance slowed, coming to a stop at the edge of the clearing. He looked to Rocky. “Is this the place where you last saw your colt?”

“Yes, I think he was playing here. Why, do you see him?” The gray stallion looked around distractedly, trying to catch a glimpse of his son through the trees.

“Not yet.” Gnawing thoughtfully on his bottom lip, Vigilance tried to figure out what to do next. It had always seemed so obvious and simple in the novels and manuals he’d studied. But now his brain fizzed and crackled uselessly as he tried to come up with a plan. “Rocky, did your son have anything with him? Some saddlebags or anything that might help us find him or figure out where he might have gone?”

Rocky was practically galloping in place, shifting worriedly from hoof to hoof. “I don’t see why that’s important. Look, why are we just talking here? Shouldn’t we be out finding String Bean?”

“Just answer the question,” ordered Vigilance.

“No, I…” The gray stallion’s eyes drifted to Screw Loose, who was drifting along the tree line, nosing curiously at the underbrush. Rocky’s brow furrowed in confusion, but after a moment he turned back to Vigilance and nodded. “Wait, yes. I think so. He had a little newspaper boat. I’d folded one for him earlier today.”

Vigilance crouched, scrutinizing the ground. There didn’t seem to be any hoofprints or disturbed vegetation that might show where String Bean had gone. He looked up to ask Rocky for help, only to be interrupted by a sharp bark from the woods. He swore. “Screw Loose! Get back here!”

“Bark bark bark!” retorted the defiant madmare. Vigilance could hear her crashing through the brush—going a few paces into the woods, pausing, and taking a few steps back to bark mockingly at him. The security guard struggled to keep his cool.

Vigilance wasn’t the only one losing patience with Screw Loose. Rocky stared incredulously at the security guard. “What the buck is wrong with her, anyway?”

“She’s… not well.” Vigilance pressed a hoof to his face. She was doing this now. Of all times the mare could do it, she was doing it now.

Rocky took a few steps closer until his muzzle was inches away from Vigilance’s face. “Look, buddy. My colt is out there somewhere and your crazy marefriend—”

“Screw Loose is not my marefriend!” Vigilance snapped.

“And your crazy marefriend isn’t helping us,” Rocky continued, his voice nearly a shout. “Shut her up! Come on, what kind of royal guard are you?”

Vigilance took a breath and tried to keep his cool. It was all right; Rocky was obviously just worried about his son. He wanted to tell off the irritated stallion, but it would be best just to correct the misunderstanding right away: impersonating a royal guard carried with it a hefty fine and at least six months in prison. “I’m not. I’m a security guard, not a royal guard.”

Rocky jerked back in surprise, looking almost as though he’d been struck. His eyes narrowed. “Are you kidding me? Just a bucking security guard?! I thought you were a real guard!”

‘Just a security guard.’ ‘I thought you were a real guard.’ The words burned into Vigilance like glowing coals and the equally hot retort was out of his mouth before he could even think of stopping it. “Look, you foal. If you aren’t happy with my help why don’t you go get the actual authorities? In the meantime somepony has to look for your son since you obviously weren’t, and that’s what I’m going to do!”

For a moment Vigilance wasn’t sure if the standoff with Rocky was going to erupt into violence. After several long heartbeats, each punctuated by an insistent bark by Screw Loose, the angry father backed down. He turned to go, spitting his goodbyes like venom. “Fine. Good luck, rent-a-guard. I’m going to go get some help.”

Alone save for the annoying madmare, Vigilance turned back to his task. He stared searchingly at the ground, trying to find the telltale signs of a colt’s passage into Whitetail Wood. If only Screw Loose hadn’t trampled down so much of the vegetation in her beeline to… wherever it was that she was going.

Screw Loose’s barking cut off for a moment and Vigilance heard a splash. His head jerked up, his mind full of flashbacks from the Ponyville Hydrothaumic Dam. He should have tied up the madmare to keep her out of his mane. Better correct the mistake now before she drowned herself—even if it would serve her right. The stallion started after her. “Screw Loose? Screwy!”

By the time Vigilance found Screw Loose, the madmare’s lower half was completely caked in mud. She splashed in and out of the shallow stream, barking all the while and stopping only to sniff at the stream bank. When she saw the stallion, she abruptly fell silent. With a pitiable whine, the madmare took a few steps down the stream, then back towards the security guard. She barked once and watched expectantly.

“Lousy nutjob, not now! Come here,” said Vigilance.

Screw Loose only whined, shifting from hoof to hoof in the mud of the stream.

“Come here, Screw Loose! I should never have taken you here without a bucking leash.” Vigilance glared at the madmare, taking a few threatening steps in her direction. She splashed further into the stream, still whining.

Vigilance stepped carefully into the—relatively—dry part of the streambed, watching the ground carefully. He’d gotten better in the past week about taking Screw Loose on her outings yet avoiding returning to Doctor Stable’s office looking like something the cat dragged in, and he didn’t intend to reverse that trend now. He took another step forward. His hoof paused inches from the mud of the streambed. There, its imprint perfectly preserved, was a small hoofprint. It was much too small to be from an adult pony like Screw Loose or himself.

What did the hoofprint mean? Was it—Light dawned. Of course! It made perfect sense. How could Vigilance have missed it? “The boat!”

The water was shallow, but the current was just strong enough to carry a little paper boat downstream at what would be about cantering speed for a colt. Vigilance looked down the streambed and saw a few more prints in the wet mud: prints that had probably come from the missing String Bean. He glanced to Screw Loose and saw that the madmare was only a few paces away. “Screw Loose! Heel! Follow me!”

Barking eagerly, the madmare followed Vigilance as he trotted down the course of the stream. The mud on the banks was mostly dry, but there were just enough wet areas to guarantee sporadic hoofprints by the colt. Each one told the eager security guard that he was on the right track. He smiled and sped up… or was about to. Suddenly, the trail ended. As did the stream.

Vigilance stared at the large pond before him. Lilly pads floated on its surface, moving gently under the late afternoon sun. Dragonflies buzzed this way and that, skimming over the water’s surface on the hunt for smaller insects. And, unfortunately, there was no green—sorry, lime green—colt to be seen. In fact, all the security guard could see was…

A small white shape floated in the water, moving lazily in an eddy near where the stream emptied into the pond. Vigilance approached it hesitantly, trying to watch it while keeping an eye on Screw Loose as she investigated the edge of the pond. The white shape was just under the surface, making identification difficult even when the security guard leaned forward as much as he could and squinted into the water. Its languid, flowing movements made it seem almost alive. What was it?

Screw Loose barked once and dove into the water. Landing with a splash, she made her way across the pond with her legs thrashing furiously. Vigilance’s breath caught in his throat, but today the mare seemed more at home in the water than she had at the dam. She swam quickly through the water and dove, grabbing the white shape in her teeth and making her way to shore. The dripping pony waded onto the bank and—

“Auuugh!” groaned Vigilance, shielding his face as the madmare shook herself dry. Rubbing pond water out of his eyes, the security guard opened them again just in time to see Screw Loose drop to her haunches in front of him, the wet white shape dangling from her teeth. When she opened her mouth to pant happily, the object landed on the ground with a wet plop.

It was nearly shapeless now, but a second’s examination and some careful prodding with one hoof told Vigilance exactly what it was: the remains of a paper boat.

A/N: Eeeeehhhh... It's a bit ahead of my normal upload schedule but it's a short chapter. So here you go, have chapter 3.

It was at about this point that I realized I had gone drastically off course from my initial plan to have this thing done in a single chapter of about 8K words. D'oh.

Ah well, tune in a few days from now for the MODERATELY EXCITING CONCLUSION!

Chapter 04

Vigilance stared down at the waterlogged remnants of the paper boat. A chill ran through him despite the warmth of the late afternoon. The placid waters of the pond dragged his gaze from the boat until he peered into their depths, wondering whether the shape to drift slowly into view would be the body of a drowned colt with a dark green mane.

The security guard closed his eyes, trying to envision how events might have transpired. String Bean would have been following the boat down the river, probably laughing delightedly as he trotted after the toy his father had given him. Had he started to canter as the speed of the current increased? Maybe. Vigilance hadn’t taken that good a look at the prints in the mud. The colt had reached the end of the stream and had probably watched his boat sail out serenely into the pond… Would he have gone after it when it sailed out of reach? Probably not right away. Maybe he had gone to the other side to wait for the boat. When it failed to run aground, he could have reached for it. Farther… farther… too far. Splash.

Sweeping the edge of the pond, Vigilance looked carefully for clues. Here and there he saw crushed vegetation—traces of where String Bean had stood at the edge of the pond reaching for the runaway paper boat. At any moment, Vigilance expected to see the colt’s body rise to the surface, mane waving gently in the languid currents of the pond. He gritted his teeth and banished the thoughts, continuing the search.

At least, Vigilance tried to continue the search. Screw Loose’s bark was muffled through the end of the stallion’s tail as she gripped it with her teeth, tugging at it insistently. “Wurf! Grrr…”

Vigilance wheeled, ears flattening against his skull as he glared at the madmare. “Not now Screw Loose! I’m trying to find this colt!”

The madmare took a few steps back and whined, looking almost ready to cry. Or maybe that was just an effect of her still water-heavy mane, drooping to make her seem more melancholy than usual. She took a few anxious steps towards him, then reversed course and darted back a bit towards the forest, pausing only to look back at Vigilance with pleading eyes.

Frankly, Vigilance was in no mood to care what the attention-seeking mare wanted. Shooting Screw Loose a scathing look, he turned back to the edge of the pond. He took a step forward—only to find himself jerked back again with even more force than before. The security guard jerked his tail away and kicked out threateningly at the annoying mare, missing her muzzle by mere inches. “Quit it!”

More slowly than before, Screw Loose took a few deliberate steps away from the pond. She lowered her muzzle, snuffling at the ground. Her tail started to wag. In a moment she was up again. The mare cantered a few steps towards the tree line and turned back to Vigilance, barking again.

What was the crazy pony up to now? If Vigilance’s mood hadn’t already been sour, Screw Loose’s behavior would have made it so. There would be no way for the security guard to do anything useful if she kept up these antics. A young colt’s life might be at stake.

The security guard trotted forward, already searching the vegetation of the forest for any vines he could use to tie up Screw Loose and get her out of the way until he had time to coddle her. Oblivious to his intent, Screw Loose trotted happily ahead of him, looking back every few steps as though to make sure he was still following. Vigilance smiled viciously. “Yeah, I’ll follow you, Screwy… Just you wait.”

Vigilance reached the thicker foliage at the edge of the forest and bent low to seize a likely looking vine to do service as a rope. He stopped. There, caught in the rough bark of a nearby tree, was a colorful wisp of dark green hair. Below it on the gnarled tree roots was a bit of mud that might have come from somepony’s hooves after a short trek down a muddy streambed. The security guard looked up and into Screw Loose’s wide, staring eyes. The mare barked expectantly. “Wurf!”

“No, that’s ridiculous,” said Vigilance, mostly to himself. It wasn’t possible. There was no bucking way. A pony’s nose just wasn’t that sensitive. But… he glanced at the telltale signs on the tree. Somepony had come this way. Somepony the size of a younger pony. Somepony with mud on his hooves and a dark green mane or tail. And now that he thought of it, who had gotten him to the stream in the first place? What had Screw Loose been doing as Vigilance argued with the colt’s idiot of a father? She’d been sniffing along the tree line. Investigating. She’d practically dragged him here.

Looking back up at Screw Loose, Vigilance shook his head. “This is stupid. This is crazy. There’s no moon-banished way you can track a pony by his scent!”

Tail wagging slowly, Screw Loose tilted her head slightly to the side as she watched her incredulous escort wrestle with undreamed-of possibilities. She listened attentively as he muttered to himself but after a few moments, her eyes narrowed. Clearly enough was enough. “Bark! Bark bark ruff!”

“All right. Let me get my bearings,” Vigilance sighed. Returning to the edge of the pond, the earth pony took a quick look around. He had a pretty good sense of direction, but without some landmarks like… like that tall rock on the far ridgeline rising above the trees, he might get lost. As luck would have it, the ridge was in the perfect spot. The security guard turned back to Screw Loose. “Okay! Let’s go.”

Barking happily, Screw Loose bent low and began to trot forward, her nose to the ground and nostrils flared as she drank in the smells of Whitetail Wood on the hunt for one very specific scent. Still shaking his head at his own craziness, Vigilance hurried to keep up. He couldn’t believe he was doing this. Was he catching the madmare’s insanity? Sweet Celestia, he hoped not.

* * *

“You doing okay, Screwy? We’ve been out here a while.” Vigilance looked up at the sky—at least, what little of it was visible through the thick canopy of the Whitetail Wood. The rents in the leafy roof of the forest showed that the blue expanse of the sky was looking decidedly orange. It was nearing sunset.

With the initial adrenaline of the chase long faded from his veins, Vigilance found himself raked by the icy claws of doubt. Had he misread Screw Loose’s intent? Did she even have an intent? Did the mental patient really have the ability to track String Bean’s trail, or was she just being, well, Screw Loose? The security guard tried to imagine explaining his decisions to the royal guard—or to the bereaved Rocky and Lemon. Lost in thought, the stallion tripped on a rock and cursed as he caught himself. “Ponyfeathers! This had better be worth it, Screw Loose!”

Screw Loose’s hooves scrabbled against hard rock as she climbed a rocky slope. She reached the top and barked impatiently until Vigilance joined her. He breathed a sigh of relief. They were at another clearing again. The not-quite-trail they’d followed to get here had been winding and long—diverting here and there to interesting plants or ant hills and, in one nearly disastrous case, a tree containing a bee hive. But now the crazy mare’s nose was leading the pair… up.

Vigilance craned his neck, looking up at the high ridge before them. It was the same one he’d glimpsed over an hour before through the trees. Had String Bean seen it too and decided to climb to the top for a great view and the wind in his face? The stallion certainly hoped so. It seemed like something he would have done as a colt. His hopes rising, the security guard followed Screw Loose across the clearing and up the ridge.

When Screw Loose’s tail began to wag faster and the mare picked up the pace, Vigilance found his hopes rising even faster than before. It had been a long shot, but it seemed to be paying off. She’d found something.

A forlorn whine from Screw Loose prompted Vigilance to hurry up the slope. In the failing light the security guard was nearly on top of her before he realized why she’d stopped. A long, wide crevice cut the stone of the ridge in two. Perched on the edge of the deep rift, Vigilance could tell that it was too far to jump. They would have to go around. “Come on, Screwy. Let’s pick up the trail on the other side.”

“Bark bark!” retorted Screw Loose. Darting forward, she went over the edge. The sound of sliding stone and desperately working hooves filled Vigilance’s ears as the madmare disappeared almost before he could react.

“Aw, buck no! You stupid pony, why did you do that?” the security guard groaned. Vigilance fumbled for his flashlight. In the increasingly red light of the sunset, Vigilance couldn’t see how far down Screw Loose had gone. Hopefully she could still climb out on her own.

The sliding, scrabbling sounds of Screw Loose’s descent cut off abruptly. Working quickly, Vigilance clicked on the flashlight and leaned over the edge of the rift, playing the light over the rocky cleft below. As the beam flashed over the blue-white shape of the madmare, Vigilance caught something else in the light. It was small, much smaller than Screw Loose. And it was a bright yellow-green. Lime green, perhaps.

“String Bean?!” Vigilance blurted. His incaution was rewarded as the flashlight dropped form his open mouth and clattered down the slope. The security guard swore as the flashlight bounced and slid its way to the bottom, beam waving wildly. Somehow, it didn’t break. Flickering and dim, it still managed to illuminate the missing colt and the madmare who had found him.

“Hey! String Bean! Are you all right?” called Vigilance, crouching low and watching young pony for any signs of life. He breathed a sigh of relief when the colt’s ears flicked at the sound of his name, but other than that slight movement the colt stayed worryingly still.

Whining nervously, Screw Loose slid along the crevice and nuzzled the colt insistently. String Bean groaned and shifted. He looked blearily up into the face of his rescuer for a moment. She looked back, panting cheerily. He screamed.

“Hey! None of that! String Bean! String Bean, eyes up here!” Vigilance shouted.

“Help! Help! A wolfpony! Get it away from me! Heeeeeeelp!” the colt yelled.

“Wurf!” Screw Loose woofed, managing to sound hurt.

“Calm down, String Bean! She’s not a wolfpony! We’re here to rescue you!” Bending low, the security guard cupped his hooves on either side of his muzzle to be heard over String Bean’s screams. The colt didn’t hear a word of it. He was too busy yelling his head off.

Screw Loose whined again, rubbing her much-abused ears. After a moment of deliberation she bent down and licked the crying child. String Bean’s eyes went wide and his shouts stopped abruptly as the madmare licked him again. “H-hey! Stop that! Th-that tickles!”

“She’s not a wolfpony,” Vigilance repeated now that he no longer had to shout to be heard. “And we’re here to rescue you.”

The colt considered this for a moment as he fended off further attempts by Screw Loose to give his face a tongue-bath. “S-she isn’t? You aren’t? But… But she acts like a wolfpony!”

Vigilance facehoofed. “Don’t worry about that right now! Are you okay?”

String Bean got to his hooves, testing sore limbs and wincing slightly. “I… I think so.”

“Okay, good! We’ll have you out of there in a little while!” Vigilance promised. Now he just had to figure out how. “I’ll be right back. I’m… going to get some rope, or something. Yes. Some rope. Don’t worry, Screw Loose can keep you company!”

“Is she going to lick me again?” the colt asked.

Vigilance hesitated. “Er… Probably.”

* * *

Vigilance’s muscles burned as he galloped down the trail towards Ponyville. For once, being a five-time participant in the annual Running of the Leaves was paying off. Once he’d gotten his bearings from the high ridge, finding his way back to town had been a piece of cake. With the lights of Ponyville glowing yellow in the middle distance, the security guard sped up and headed straight for town hall.

The exhausted stallion wasn’t really sure how things would play out when he got the royal guards. Leaving String Bean with a mental patient definitely wouldn’t look good, but what choice had there been? The area around the ridge had been entirely innocent of adequately large vines or branches to serve as a makeshift rope and he couldn’t very well just wait until Screw Loose got crazy enough to believe she was a unicorn. Although at this point he wouldn’t put it past her to be able to solve the problem with magic if she took it into her head to do so.

The bluish lights of the royal guard office still glowed in the windows as Vigilance approached the town hall. His headlong gallop slowed to a canter and then to a quick trot. Still wheezing, the security guard bounded up the steps and stumbled through the open door. He leaned against the frame for a minute, catching his breath. Locked in a heated argument, the ponies in the office failed to notice the security guard’s arrival.

“I’m sorry, sir, but from what you say, your son has hardly been missing long enough for us to start an official search,” a guard officer said evenly, clearly struggling to keep his voice level and calm despite the agitated stallion on the far side of the desk.

Rocky stamped in frustration, nearly driving his hoof through the floorboards. “I’m telling you, String Bean is missing! We don’t have any idea where he is, and the only ‘help’ I’ve gotten so far was from some bucking stupid rent-a-guard and his…”

The angry father trailed off as he noticed Vigilance leaning in the doorway. Rocky’s mouth worked silently for a minute. The security guard’s sudden appearance even moved the royal guardspony behind the desk to raise an eyebrow. The gray-pelted stallion glared. “You. You’ve got a lot of nerve, coming in here looking for help after you—”

“Found him,” Vigilance interrupted, still gasping for breath. “In a… crevice. Need some rope or… a unicorn. Follow me.”

Rocky blinked. He looked from Vigilance to the royal guard and back again. “W-well what are you waiting for, you foal?! Let’s go!”

* * *

Vigilance shifted from hoof to hoof, glancing nervously around Doctor Stable’s office. He’d been here before—Celestia knew, he’d been here too many times in the past week. But this time it was different. This time he wasn’t wearing his usual Ponyville General Hospital security guard uniform. He felt naked. In fact he was, but that wasn’t the point. The point was, he was out of uniform. Why had the doctor asked him to come like this? The stallion had a sinking suspicion that he knew. But the unicorn—and the entire rest of the staff—was being annoying close-lipped about it all.

“Vigilance,” said Doctor Stable. The unicorn looked like he was about to say more, but didn’t. Instead, he rustled the papers on his desk as he’d done so many times before. The doctor was stalling.

“Good morning, sir,” Vigilance replied. Yes, it was a good morning. A good morning to get fired. He couldn’t imagine any other outcome from this meeting.

In retrospect, Vigilance couldn’t see how he’d been suckered into taking part in something that was obviously a one way-trip to Unemploymentville. Sure, he’d done what the doctor had told him to do, but he knew how that would play with the hospital administrators. Under his watch—his decidedly medically unqualified watch—a mental patient had been exposed to danger on multiple occasions, climaxing in a very well publicized and newspaper-worthy example of just how much Ponyville General valued the safety of its patients. He could still remember the headlines: ‘Local Madmare, Security Guard Rescue Colt.’ Somepony had even run an editorial on it: ‘Are Heroics the New Psychotherapy?’

An example had to be made to show that Ponyville General Hospital didn’t support this kind of thing as a matter of course. Sure, Doctor Stable had ordered it, but what was easier for the administrators to replace? A unicorn doctor with years of medical training who had gotten just a bit too enthusiastic, or some earth pony stallion who couldn’t even get into the royal guard?

Doctor Stable cleared his throat. He was obviously done marshaling whatever words he had to say on how sorry he was to have to let Vigilance go. The unicorn pushed a paper across the desk for Vigilance to read. “Ahem. I… just wanted to say how glad we all are here at Ponyville General to have worked with a skilled and dedicated pony like yourself, Vigilance.”

The blood froze in Vigilance’s veins. So this was it, then. He was surprised to note that his hoof didn’t shake as he reached out and pulled the paper the rest of the way across the desk. At least the doctor wasn’t giving him his marching orders on that garish pink slip.

Time to see what the damage was. Vigilance began to read—and paused, looking up in surprise. “This isn’t… I’m not being fired.”

“You aren’t,” the doctor agreed. “As you can see in the latest missive from our ineffable hospital administrators, our little experiment is being considered… less than a success.”

Vigilance continued scanning the memorandum. ‘Less than a success’ was putting it mildly. Sizzling with phrases like ‘not in the fine traditions of the Ponyville General Hospital’ and ‘severe and deleterious effects on the reputation of our establishment’ (whatever that meant, it sounded bad), the administrators demanded a complete review of the program and stopped just short of demanding the dismissal of everypony involved.

With a cough, Doctor Stable drew the security guard’s eyes back to him. “I think you can see the implications on your job.”

“Uh.” Vigilance hesitated and glanced down at the paper again. “So I am being fired?”

“Again, no. Distressingly, I am going to have to… postpone Ms. Pony’s current treatment regimen for a little while until the administrators calm down.” Doctor Stable shuffled the neat piles of papers on his desk, inching it a few more notches back towards its usual clutter. “It’s simply unfortunate that you won’t be available to assist Ms. Pony when I finally convince them to re-start the program.”

Pressing a hoof to his face, Vigilance sighed in exasperation. “Doctor Stable. Please stop dancing around the issue. If I’m fired, let me know. I don’t want to have to keep asking you.”

In lieu of an answer, Doctor Stable smiled. He withdrew another sheet of paper—no, an envelope—and passed it to the possibly-ex-security guard. “Then, read this.”

The envelope was a simple one, without much decoration or finery. It didn’t need it. The seal it bore was the official symbol of the Equestrian Royal Guard. Vigilance eased up the flap to see the letter inside, noting the envelope had already been deftly cut open. Probably with a scalpel or other sharp tool. He eyed the doctor. “You know, opening somepony else’s mail is a crime.”

Doctor Stable chuckled. “I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive the staff at Ponyville General for being concerned for your welfare… Guard-Recruit Vigilance.”

Pulse pounding excitedly in his ears, Vigilance slid out the letter and read it. He read it again. He read it yet a third time, feeling the delighted smile stretch across his muzzle as he poured over every line. “I’m… I’m in. I’m really in!”

“Assuming that nothing untoward happens before you finish the training, of course,” observed Doctor Stable. Vigilance scowled. That was one pony who probably needed work on his bedside manner.

“Has he told Vig yet?” hissed a voice outside the office door. Vigilance looked up from his fourth read-through of the letter.

“Shut up, you daft filly!” snapped a second, drier voice. “You’ll give us away!”

The sound of a scuffle outside finally tugged Vigilance’s away from the wonderful letter. He turned to the door just in time for it to creak open. A pair of nurses stood frozen, returning his surprised stare with sheepish looks as they contrived to portray an air of innocence. Nurse Coldheart coughed. “Hello, Vigilance. You’re still here? We were just stopping by the office with some paperwork for Doctor Stable to—”

“Ooooh, has the doctor told you yet, Vig?!” squealed Nurse Sweetheart.

“Don’t call me that,” Vigilance groaned. “And yes. Yes he—ulp!”

The guard recruit’s words were choked off by an enthusiastic hug from the younger mare. Nurse Sweetheart squeezed Vigilance once more for good measure and let go, having the decency to look faintly embarrassed. “Er… well, congratulations. We, ah, we didn’t really have anything planned for you, but we promise to get Pinkie Pie to throw you a party when you get back from training!”

“Thanks,” said Vigilance, absently rubbing his much-abused neck.

Nurse Coldheart cleared her throat. “We were here to say our goodbyes. So, goodbye.”

“Goodbye!” chirped Nurse Sweetheart.

“Goodbye, Vigilance. Thank you,” said Doctor Stable, struggling to keep from laughing as he watched the former security guard look stiffly from one pony to the next.

“Er… Goodbye, I guess. Thank you all,” Vigilance managed. He started to trot away.

A cough from Nurse Coldheart halted the guard recruit. She raised an eyebrow. “Isn’t there… somepony else you should be saying goodbye to, Vigilance?”

“Why, who would I… oh. Of course.” Vigilance nodded and headed for the psychiatric ward.

Screw Loose was waiting for Vigilance when he arrived. As before, she bounded up, planting her front hooves on the glass and barking happily. He’d found it weird, before. Even annoying. Now, he smiled. “Hey, Screw Loose.”

“Bark bark! Wurf!” the madmare exclaimed.

When Vigilance entered her room Screw Loose sat politely on her haunches, but her tail was wagging furiously as he approached. The guard recruit took a deep breath. “You know, Screwy… You’re…”

Screw Loose waited for the stallion to continue. She tilted her head a bit to the right. When he still said nothing, she tilted it left. The mare panted happily when Vigilance chuckled.

“You’re nuttier than a fruitcake,” Vigilance said. “But you’re all right. I guess I was wrong about you. You can still help ponies. You’re… not just a freeloader.”

“Bark bark!” agreed Screw Loose.

“And I hope you get better one day, Screw Loose.” Vigilance waited for a response from the madmare. She simply waited for him to finish. “…So I can thank you properly.”

The sudden grin flashed across Screw Loose’s muzzle. It lit up her face, giving her eyes the spark of intelligence rarely glimpsed there and smoothing her usual twisted expression into something pleasant and almost beautiful. And just as Vigilance’s eyes widened in surprise, the madmare leaped at him and the pair went down in a tangle of limbs.

“Aaauugh!” Vigilance groaned as he tried to push away the panting, licking, barking pony. “Right in the mouth! Get off, Screwy! Get off!”

Turning his head away to avoid another tongue to the muzzle, Vigilance looked at the door and beheld his worst nightmare. There was Nurse Coldheart, her eyes as chilly and calculating as her smile. And she had a camera. The nurse shook her head in mock disapproval. “Oh dear. I hope I wasn’t interrupting anything. But try to keep it down. Our other patients need their rest.”

“No,” Vigilance cried. “Don’t—!”

The shutter clicked and Nurse Coldheart’s smile widened. “Just a little something for us to remember you by…”

Screw Loose barked apologetically and went back to licking Vigilance’s face. The guard recruit could only whimper.

A/N: And that’s a wrap. I hope you all enjoyed this short tale. It went a bit over what I had planned for it in length, but I don’t regret it; I had fun with the characters.

If this story taught me one thing it was this—COMPUTERS AND WORD PROCESSORS ARE GOD’S GIFT TO WRITERS. Draft one of chapter one was written almost entirely by hand in a notebook (which was the whole point of doing this story, as I’ve said; I needed something short to write while on a training exercise when I wouldn’t have a computer) and boy howdy was that a pain. Especially trying to read my own handwriting later to transfer the chapter to a computer. Augh.

Anyway once again, thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Minus the part where your hand feels like it’s going to fall off after a chapter.

Chapter 01

“Ho ho ho, they’ll never catch the Crimson Criminal! Nopony is as clever as me!” Vigilance rocked the little red unicorn figurine back and forth as if the ‘Crimson Criminal’ was laughing mockingly.

The little earth pony colt set down the carved unicorn and turned to a slightly larger earth pony figurine. The midnight blue toy was decked in workmanlike copper-tinted armor, the street uniform of the Equestrian Royal Guard. Vigilance’s voice dropped an octave—or as near as he could manage—as the guard pony ‘spoke.’ “Not if I have anything to say about it, you petty thief! Stop in the name of the Princess!”

“Oh no!” cried Vigilance, his voice rising back to the shrill tones of the ‘Crimson Criminal.’ The red unicorn toy reared up in horror. “It can’t be you!”

“Honey?” a voice interrupted.

Vigilance looked up to see a brown-coated unicorn mare peering in the door to his room. He grinned up at her. “Yes, Mom?”

Perseverance smiled indulgently at her son. He loved playing ‘guards and robbers’ with those little dolls. “Your father will be home soon, Vigilance. Time to clean up your room. I’ll be in the kitchen finishing dinner, so could you set the table?”

“Oooh, what’s for dinner?” Whatever it was, Vigilance could already smell the delicious meal as warm air from the kitchen wafted down the hall and into his room.

“Leek and carrot stew, your favorite!” Perseverance said. The colt brightened immediately, just as expected. “Now, put away your dolls—”

“Action figures!” shrilled Vigilance.

“…Action figures,” the smiling mare continued, “And make sure to set the table! I’d better get back to the stew before it burns.”

“Okay, Mom.” Vigilance watched for a moment as his mother closed the door, then turned back to his toys. He frowned. He’d been so close to finishing the arrest, too. Biting his lip, the little brown colt moved to pick up the Swift Justice figurine. Hmm… Aha!

An idea dropped fully formed into Vigilance’s mind as if placed there by some clever deity. He grinned in delight. Of course! It was perfect. Eyes narrowing, the colt picked up his blue guard pony figurine and waved it threateningly at the ‘Crimson Criminal.’

“Yes, it is I! Swift Justice of the Equestrian Royal Guard! And I’m taking you in for the robbery of the First Royal Bank of Canterlot! Come quietly. It’s the toy box for you!” Vigilance trotted ‘Swift Justice’ menacingly across the floor. The ‘Crimson Criminal’ stood frozen to the spot in fearful silence at her nemesis’ approach.

The villain’s paralysis couldn’t last forever. In Vigilance’s imagination, the ‘Crimson Criminal’s horn flared with deadly intent. “No! My unicorn magic will stop you, Justice! Die!”

One swing of Vigilance’s hoof sent a box of pencils flying towards Swift Justice. The figurine dodged and jinked to avoid the projectiles, but several found their mark and the toy guard went down and lay still. The red unicorn figurine slid carefully out of her hiding place behind a leg of the chair. “Hah! So perish all who oppose the Crimson Criminal! And now, I think I’ll take your helmet as proof of my victory over you, Not-So-Swift Justice!”

The red unicorn mare approached the prone stallion and edged him carefully with one hoof. He didn’t move. The Crimson Criminal leaned down to take the guard helmet from Swift Justice’s head…

Swift Justice’s head jerked up, his eyes snapping open to glare at the shocked miscreant. “Hah! Stealing from the dead now, Crimson Criminal?”

Flinty hooves lashed out and caught the surprised unicorn on the jaw. She flew back, slamming into the leg of the chair and came up swinging. “You’ll pay for that, Swift Justice!”

The door creaked open and a deep and faintly surprised voice brought the epic battle to an abrupt and unsatisfying end. “What’s going on in here, Vigilance?”

“Uh… er… uhm… Hello, Dad?” stammered Vigilance, quickly sweeping his toys behind him. The colt stared up into the face of Sergeant Cobalt and struggled to his hooves, standing at some approximation of rigid attention. The two were silent for a moment as the muscular tan stallion looked down disapprovingly at his son.

“Didn’t your mother ask you to do something before I got home from patrol?” asked the royal guard, finally breaking the silence with the one question Vigilance had hoped wouldn’t be asked.

Vigilance tried to meet his father’s gaze, but the weight of guilt dragged his head down until he was staring at the floor. “…Yes, sir.”

“And is the table set?” asked Sergeant Cobalt, watching the little colt sag more with every word.

Fighting an urge to sink into the floor, Vigilance shook his head. “Dad, I just lost track of time! I was putting my toys away, honest!”

The colt’s room could just as easily have been an interrogation chamber down at the city’s guardhouse. Sergeant Cobalt’s voice varied not a whit as he repeated his earlier question. “And is the table set?”

Vigilance could tell there was no escape. He drooped even more and closed his eyes, awaiting his punishment. “No, sir. It isn’t.”

Sighing, Cobalt shook his head and ruffled his son’s mane. “I’m disappointed in you, Vigilance. You know better than this. How are you going to grow up to be a royal guard pony like me if you can’t follow your mother’s orders?”

Vigilance tried to keep his lip from quivering. Fighting back against the tears threatening to well up in his eyes, he nodded. “Y-yes sir. I’m sorry, sir.”

“I’m not the one who you should be apologizing to, Vigilance. Your mother works hard for you. For the both of us,” said Sergeant Cobalt. “Never be a pony content to live off the kindness of others. Always be ready to help somepony else. All right?”

The colt stood as tall as he could and nodded. “All right, Dad.”

“Good. Remember that. Now come on, we still need you to set the table before dinner. Off you go.” Cobalt swatted his son’s flank, propelling the young colt towards the door.

Feeling his spirits rise, Vigilance paused and turned back to his father. “Thanks, Dad. Er… does this mean I’m not still in trouble?”

Sergeant Cobalt scowled. “A future guard pony would know not to ask silly questions like that. Since you can’t put your toys before helping your mother, no toys for a week. Report to your mother for your additional duties for the evening after dinner.”

“But—” Vigilance sighed. “Sir, yes sir!”

“Off you go. On the double!” called the guard sergeant, barely holding back the chuckle he’d been keeping down through most the conversation. He smiled as his son hurried down the hall. The little guy was guard material, through and through. Why, if all went well, it wouldn’t be long before Vigilance was cantering down the streets of Manehattan, shouting things like…

* * *

"Stop right there, criminal scum!" Vigilance exclaimed around his flashlight, glaring threateningly and playing the blinding beam down the darkened corridor. His words cracked through the air like the snap of a crossbow bolt as he bore down on his prey, giving no chance for escape. A dozen years and a few of life’s curveballs had done little to dim the stallion's ardor for justice. For too long trash like this had cluttered up his beat. Not tonight! Not while Officer Vigilance was on patrol.

"You thought you could escape? You thought wrong." The earth pony closed the last few paces at an unhurried walk, his steely-eyed stare leaving the worthless refuse practically rooted to the spot. He reached out and—

The door of a nearby room opened and Nurse Coldheart poked her head into the hallway. "Keep it down out there! What's going on? What kind of foal would—Vigilance? What are you doing?"

Ponyfeathers. Shooting the annoyed mare a sheepish glance, Vigilance delayed his inevitable humiliation by trotting forward the last few steps to the offender and completed his ‘arrest.’ The night guard’s flashlight made a guilty clink as he slid it into his belt. The discarded candy wrapper crinkled in the stallion’s teeth as he picked it up from the tile floor. With embarrassment thick in the air Vigilance carried the litter to the nearest wastebasket and dropped it in, discarding with it his latest daydreams of an exciting life in the Equestrian Royal Guard. "Sorry, Nurse Coldheart. Just, uh, voicing my opinion on ponies who don’t use the bins.”

"Oh. Well, keep it down out there." Without even waiting for the guard’s acknowledgement, Coldheart ducked back out of sight. Vigilance continued his beat, hooves ringing on the floor as he resumed his patrol. Now, where was he…? Ah yes. The grizzled stallion trod slowly through the cobbled alley, a lonely member of Their Majesties’ finest out in the mean streets of—

"And Vigilance?" Nurse Coldheart didn't even bother sticking her head out into the hall this time, contenting herself with nagging the security guard from the comfort of some patient's room.

Vigilance paused. " Yes?"

"Could you... could you walk a bit more quietly? Our patients need their rest." Vigilance could almost hear Nurse Coldheart rolling her eyes.

Sighing, the security guard bit back a scathing retort. "Of course, Nurse Coldheart."

Picking his way carefully and much more stealthily down the hall, Vigilance caught sight of himself in the observation window of one of the rooms. Short-cropped gray mane. Brown pelt. Purple eyes. Frumpy blue uniform incomparably distant from the sturdy armor worn by even the street patrol sections of the Equestrian Royal Guard. And there on his flank, the stupid, lying stud stamp of a silver shield. He sighed again. "Vigilance, you'll get there one day. You'll—GAH!"

Something slammed against the glass on the other side of the observation window. Lightning-quick reflexes threw Vigilance back against the far wall of the hallway as a crazed shape on the other side pressed her front hooves and nose against the barrier, painting the window white with the condensation of her breath as she panted and barked eagerly. The stallion’s heart thudded in his chest, beating against his ribs almost as hard as the patient had thrown herself into the window.

"Stupid nut!" Vigilance snarled, banging a vicious hoof against the glass. He hissed in satisfaction as the mare flinched. He struck the glass once more for good measure and the blue-pelted mare whimpered, her ears splayed back as she shrank away from the observation window. “Not so fun when you’re the one getting the life scared out of you, is it?”

“Vigilance! What are you doing?” hissed a voice behind the guard. Vigilance froze. Nurse Coldheart’s reflection appeared in the window, glaring daggers at him. Sheepishly lowering his hoof, the stallion turned to face the very picture of offended rage.

“Nurse Coldheart! I, uh… Screw Loose threw herself against the glass and, uh…” Any excuses Vigilance might have managed quickly withered under the nurse’s frosty gaze.

“‘Screw Loose?’” Coldheart repeated, mouth curling around the hospital guards’ unofficial nickname for the madmare as though it left foul taste on her tongue. “You mean, Ms. Pony?”

Vigilance groaned. He was going to hear about this one in the morning.

* * *

Vigilance shifted uncomfortably as Doctor Stable flipped a page in the notebook and continued reading. The clock on the wall ticked off the seconds in the awkward silence. When Nurse Tenderheart had said the doctor wanted to see him, Vigilance had assumed his time in the boss’ office would be brief. Doctor Stable was usually not one to spend a long time beating around the bush for minor things; the security guard figured he would be in, reprimanded, and out in five minutes or less with a stern warning not to scare the crazy patients again.

Instead, Doctor Stable had greeted him politely, invited him to have a seat, and started reading silently through some paperwork. Vigilance was beginning to regret declining the offered chair. He shifted from hoof to hoof, waiting for the unicorn to say something—anything. Maybe, ‘Hey dirtbag, that’s not how you treat patients around here,’ or, ‘Good job showing Screw Loose who’s boss; that crazy pony gets on my nerves too with how she lives off our kindness and spends all day gnawing on a rubber bone and barking at passersby instead of doing something productive with her life.’ Stranger things had happened.

The doctor turned another page and continued to scrutinize the tight, neat writing populating its surface. Finally, Vigilance could take no more. He cleared his throat and stifled a yawn. “Excuse me, Doctor Stable? Was there something you wanted to say to me? It’s just that I just finished my shift and I’d like to get home.”

“Ah. Of course,” Doctor Sable responded absently. The unicorn kept reading for a moment more before finally putting down his notes. Looking up, he leaned over his desk to peer intently at the night guard. “Mister Vigilance, what is your assessment of that kerfuffle with Rainbow Dash?”

“Sir? It was… unexpected.” Vigilance’s brain sparked as he tried to shift mental gears for this undreamed of icebreaker. He’d been expecting something about Nurse Coldheart and Screw Loose. Where was the doctor going with this? The ‘Dash Incident’ had been months ago.

“Yes,” Doctor Stable agreed, “‘Unexpected’ is right. The hospital administrators have been expressing some… concerns to me about it.”

“‘Concerns,’ sir?” Vigilance echoed dully. His fatigue-dulled mind struggled to race ahead in the conversation. He took note of his employer’s unsmiling eyes and the disapproving set of the unicorn’s mouth. Uh oh.

The doctor took a moment to rustle his papers again, rearranging them into a neater stack before spearing Vigilance with a meaningful look. “The administrators are worried about the fact that one of our otherwise excellent security guards let somepony sneak into our hospital to steal, of all things, a book.”

“Sir, Rainbow Dash isn’t ‘somepony,’ she’s one of the Elements of Harmony!” protested Vigilance.

“And,” Doctor Stable continued relentlessly, “The situation wasn’t resolved until that guard received aid from our medical staff and a candy striper who happened still to be in the building.”

“I…” started Vigilance. He closed his mouth, mind whirring as he tried to figure out how to put his fuming thoughts into words. Doctor Stable was right. The unicorn wasn’t speaking about something he’d read off a report. The doctor had actually been there. Without the help, Vigilance probably wouldn’t have managed to run down the thieving pegasus even if she had continued to flee on the ground. One sentence about all this in his next performance review and any dreams of joining the Royal Guard would remain just that—dreams. He sagged.

It was an uncomfortable moment before Doctor Stable broke the awkward silence. “A lot of ponies don’t think being a security guard is particularly stressful, but being out of the sun and working when everypony else is asleep can take something out of anypony. You’ve been with us running almost exclusively on the night shift for… how long?”

“Five years.” Five years of excellent service, and now one stupid incident was going to rob Vigilance of everything. But why was Doctor Stable firing him now? It would have made more sense to do it right away, not months after the fact.

“And I see you’ve only taken vacation twice. I think you need a break from your duties as night guard.” Doctor Stable rustled some papers again. Vigilance braced himself as the doctor lifted one paper in particular and peered at the soon-to-be-ex-security guard over the top of it. Here it came. “Vigilance… one of the psychiatric ward patients got out during that incident with Ms. Dash, yes? You were the one who retrieved her, correct?”

“Well, Doctor Stable, just tell me how long I have to clean out my locker and…” Vigilance trailed off as his mind parsed what the doctor had said. “What?”

“Mystery Pony. ‘Ms. Pony.’ The mental patient who thinks she’s a dog,” the doctor explained—unnecessarily. Of course Vigilance knew who the unicorn was talking about, he just didn’t understand why. Was this when Nurse Coldheart’s no doubt unflattering complaint would come to light?

“Yes sir, I was.” Nodding, Vigilance ground his teeth at the memory. Even more fuel on the funeral pyre of his career.

“Take a look at this, please,” said the unicorn. Tugging one sheet out of the increasingly disorganized pile on his desk, Doctor Stable passed it over to the puzzled night guard.

‘NAME: NO KNOWN NAME. AKA MYSTERY (MS.) PONY. SEX: FEMALE. AGE: 30 YEARS (ESTIMATED).’ Vigilance skipped down a bit, browsing over the massed columns of the table that took up the majority of the page. There were days of the week, times, places, and distances. The guard looked up, his brow furrowing with confusion. “It’s a… schedule?”

Eyes gleaming, Doctor Stable pounded his desk with an enthusiastic hoof. “Precisely! After Ms. Pony’s temporary escape, the orderlies noticed she was surprisingly more docile and positive than before. No more growling at new employees or visitors, no more chewing on the furniture. Once I noticed it, I realized that we’ve been keeping a mare of her, ah, special needs cooped up for far too long. I’m sure you can see where I’m going with this.”

Vigilance didn’t. He stared blankly at the doctor, eyelids drooping. Maybe if he kept staring, things would start to make sense.

Doctor Stable sighed. “Vigilance, I want you to escort Ms. Pony and ensure that she gets some exercise and sees ponies out in the fresh air. It will do her—and you—a world of good.”

Vigilance felt like he was starting to get it, but what he was ‘getting’ didn’t’ make any sense. It had taken him the better part of the evening to catch the madmare and to drag her back to the hospital. She’d taken special delight in stopping to wait for him, barking and wagging her tail playfully, only to go bounding out of the way just as the exhausted guard managed to close the distance between them. Surely the doctor couldn’t mean what Vigilance thought he meant. “…You really want somepony to take Screw Loose for walks?”

In the pause that followed the exhausted guard winced. He hadn’t meant to say it like that—certainly not using the anonymous mare’s nickname instead the official placeholder. Doctor Stable’s expression hardened almost imperceptibly at the slipup, but he made no comment on it. “No, Mister Vigilance. I don’t want ‘somepony’ to take Ms. Pony out for exercise. I want you to take her out for exercise.”

If Vigilance hadn’t declined to sit earlier, he might have fallen out of his chair. “Why me?”

“It seems, Vigilance, that you and Ms. Pony have a sort of… chemistry. She won’t do more than growl at most of the employees here, but she took a shine to you almost instantly. I think you’d be perfect for the job.” Doctor Stable smiled encouragingly.

‘Chemistry,’ sure. The sort that exploded and showered bits of test tube all over the lab workers. Vigilance shook his head in bewilderment. “But I’m a security guard, not an orderly! I—”

“And if you wish to stay a security guard, you need to give me some very, very good things to say to the hospital administrators the next time they ask me about you.” The doctor sighed. “Please, Vigilance. Make this easier for both of us.”

So that’s how it was. Vigilance nodded slowly. “All right. All right, I’ll do it. Just don’t blame me when somepony starts asking why the security guards are doing medical treatment.”

Doctor Stable’s smile lit up the room like a second sun. “Excellent! I’m so glad we’ve come to an understanding. Of course you’ll need a few days to switch your sleep schedule back to days.”

“Sure.” Stifling a yawn, Vigilance turned to go.

A cough brought the exhausted pony up short. Surrounded by a shimmering cloud of unicorn magic, a pen and a stack of waivers and legal documents floated up to Vigilance’s face. Doctor Stable nodded encouragingly to them. “But of course before you do, there’s the matter of the paperwork…”

* * *

The door to Psychiatric Ward Room Three creaked open as Vigilance peered cautiously inside. The bluish-pelted patient napped peacefully on the bed, curled up almost until her muzzle met the base of her tail. She snored, making little ‘wurff’ noises every so often. Sleeping quietly like this, ‘Screw Loose’ seemed almost normal.

Vigilance put one hoof through the door. The madmare’s ear twitched. He placed his other forehoof next to the first. The mare’s nostrils flared for a moment. Clearing his throat, the security guard announced himself. “Ms. Pony, I’m—”

A sudden explosion of movement from the bed brought Vigilance up short. Screw Loose leaped up with a frightened bark and saw him, her ears flattening against her skull as she whined in terror. Obviously she still remembered him from their confrontation a few days previous. Before the guard could move another step, his patient was behind her bed and peering cautiously around the frame. She whined faintly, disheveled silver tail almost between her legs.

“Look, you stup—” Vigilance paused and glanced behind him as the heavy weight of a disapproving glare settled on the back of his head. Nurse Coldheart didn’t even bother smiling when the guard nodded to her. She simply stood there in the hall. Waiting. Watching. Judging.

Rearranging the word, the annoyed security guard tried a different tactic. “Here girl. Come here, Ms. Pony.”

Nothing. The quiet whining had stopped, but that was all. From the shadows under the bed Vigilance could see that Screw L… er, that Ms. Pony hadn’t moved from her nervous crouch. He tried again. “Ms. Pony?”

Vigilance turned back to Nurse Coldheart and shrugged helplessly. “Sorry, looks like Doctor Stable was wrong. I don’t think she’ll come out of there for me. Wait, what’s that?”

For the first time, Coldheart smiled. Reaching into a pocket on her smock, she pulled out a small slip of paper. It was a cheerfully nauseating pink. Even from a few paces away Vigilance imagined he could see his name in the tight, crabbed script that covered the page.

Realization dawned in the soon-to-be-ex-guard’s eyes and the nurse’s smile widened. Yeesh, if ever a pony had been well named. “Now look, Coldheart. They can’t fire me just because the patient won’t come out of her room!”

Nurse Coldheart said nothing. She simply took a few steps forward, the pink slip fluttering in her teeth. Vigilance’s mouth tightened. “Oh come on! It’s not my fault that Screw Loose won’t—”

“Wurf!” The sudden sound of hooves clattering on the tiled floor made Vigilance turn around just in time to see the madmare trotting his way, her ears pricked up and her tail wagging slowly.

“Screw Loose?” Vigilance said hesitantly. The patient’s eyes lit up and she barked in affirmative. The wagging tail picked up speed, swishing this way and that as the blue pony came closer still.

“That’s not her name!” hissed Nurse Coldheart, spitting out the pink slip and shooting daggers at the infuriating stallion.

“Oh? Screw Loose seems to think it is.” Vigilance grinned. Dealing with a madmare might almost be worth it if it gave him more opportunities to needle Coldheart. As though on cue, the mare barked happily at the sound of her nickname.

Nearly shaking with rage, Nurse Coldheart consulted the clipboard on the wall outside Psychiatric Ward Room Three. She stared skeptically at the guard as though he was something unpleasant she’d found sticking to the bottom of her hoof. “Today you’re supposed to take Ms. Pony around the hospital grounds and get her acclimated to being outside with you. Can you manage that?”

“Sure.” Vigilance was already ahead on points with Screw Loose’s nickname, but there was no telling which way things might go if he tried a further sparring match with the razor-tongued nurse.

“I’ll be here if you have any problems,” Nurse Coldheart said, still frowning. The silent ‘and the pink slip will be here too when you make a mess of things’ was left dangling in the air, conspicuous and real despite its apparent absence.

“Uh-huh,” grunted Vigilance. He watched the nurse leave, feeling unaccountably pleased despite the annoyances sure to follow when he tried talking the crazy patient outside. He was still a bit sore from the last time he’d had to chase her down.

“Well, Screw Loose, how’d you like to—hey! Whoah!” Vigilance nearly jumped out of his skin as Screw Loose nosed his tail, snuffling at him in interest. “Watch it!”

“Rrruh?” the madmare inquired, head cocked to one side. She looked almost hurt when Vigilance shot her a searing glare.

All Vigilance had to do was tolerate her for the first week. Surely after that Doctor Stable would let him get back to his real job. “Come on, Screwy. Let’s go.”

With a happy bark, Screw Loose pranced after Vigilance, tail wagging happily from side to side. The flailing appendage knocked charts off the wall and toppled unused IV bag stands as the two ponies headed down the hall and towards the large double doors that opened onto the gardenlike lawn outside.

When the pair reached the doors, Vigilance turned to his excited companion and sobered her with a look. She sat down on her haunches and looked serious, although her tail continued to wag. “Now, listen. We’re going to walk around the hospital a few times. Don’t buck this up for yourself, Screw Loose. Don’t run off. Don’t—do you even understand what I’m saying? You don’t, do you.”

“Woof woof!” proclaimed Screw Loose, springing back up and trying to lick the guard full in the face.

Vigilance spluttered and pushed the madmare away in disgust. “Augh! Quit that! Quit—STOP!”

“Ruff,” said the apologetic patient.

“Sweet Celestia, give me strength.” Vigilance wiped some pony drool off his face and scowled at the happy mare.

Carefully staying out of tongue range—how the hay did that crazy pony have a tongue that long?—Vigilance moved around Screw Loose and opened the door. “Okay, Screw Loose. Remember. A couple of laps. Let’s go.”

Screw Loose took a few hesitant steps forward, glancing between the waiting Vigilance and the open doorway. She took a few steps more, her tail wagging harder than ever. Then her eyes narrowed. In a nicely pruned tree not twenty yards distant was a squirrel!

A few seconds later Vigilance was picking himself up of the floor and cursing under his breath. He shook his head to clear it and stared out the door at the rapidly departing Screw Loose as the galloping, joyously barking mare tore across the well-kept lawn after the brown blur of the fleeing squirrel. “Oh, buck me with a broom.”