Pinkie Pie cleared her throat. Her assembled best friends were gathered around the table of Twilight's castle. “Thank you all for coming everypony,” she said nervously, “this is the first time I've introduced a special somepony to you all, I'm a little nervous.”
“Don't be, Darling.” Rarity said.
“Yeah Sugarcube,” Applejack agreed, “we're just some friends here to meet your new coltfriend.”
“Oh, he's not a colt.”
“Sooo, a marefriend then?” Rainbow Dash asked, “Not that there's anything wrong with that.”
“Oh, that's not what I meant! It's just that he's not really a pony, is all.”
“...I'm not sure what you mean by that.” said Twilight Sparkle.
“Well, let me show you!” Pinkie bounced over to the door and threw it open.
On the other side was a green blob of goo, standing about the size of a pony. As if to give form to an otherwise formless creature, the blob was wearing a dress tie, hoping to make a good impression with Pinkie's friends. The blob smiled, or at least what counted as a smile on a semi-transparent goo creature. Pinkie's friends looked horrified and confused at the same time, with the notable exception of Twilight who had been practicing her Princess Poker-Face.
A large crash pierced the silence, as Spike dropped the refreshments he was bringing. “What... in Equestria... is THAT?” he exclaimed.
Pinkie facehoofed. “Oh, that's right, I forgot, you weren't at the Gala this year!” Pinkie directed her special some...thing over to a terrified Spike. “Spike, this is the Smooze! He was Discord's plus one at the Gala this year in an attempt to make Fluttershy jealous. Smoozy, this is Spike! He's Twilight's personal assistant!”
“N-nice... to meet you.” Spike sputtered out. The Smooze licked the baby dragon, in an attempt to be polite, only to send him running for the bath.
“Girls,” Pinkie said, turning her attention back to her friends, “you all remember the Smooze from the Gala, right?” The assembled ponies did their best to force an awkward smile, except for Twilight who maintained her poker-face.
“What's wrong?” Pinkie asked, noticing the tension, “You don't seem that excited to see him.”
“Oh, we are!” Fluttershy said, “We are! It's just that, y'know, we... um... didn't expect him to be your... uh... smooze-friend?”
“I know, right?” Pinkie cheered, hugging her Smooze, “I can hardly believe it myself! You know, I think I've gone farther with Smoozy than with any of my past relationships?”
“Ew, Pinkie!”
“What? I'm just saying, I've never brought my other coltfriends to meet my best friends before. Why, what were you thinking, Rainbow Dash?”
Before Rainbow Dash could speak, Rarity spoke up. “I think that, what she means dear, is that... uh...”
“What? What?” Twilight kept her face unmoving.
“What we mean is,” Applejack interrupted, “is that with, well... with you being, y'know, you...”
“We weren't sure, if you and the Smooze are... Oh, what's the word...”
“Compatible! I think that's the word Rarity, we weren't sure if you guys were compatible!”
“Oh, I know you can't tell by looking at him,” Pinkie Pie said, “but underneath that party-animal exterior, he really does have a heart of, well blob! And believe me, when the chips are down, he will take responsibility for his actions! You must admit, I need someone with responsibility in my life!” All of her friends nodded in agreement.
Twilight finally spoke. “Well girls, I think I should talk to Pinkie alone for a moment. Would you all give our guest a tour of the castle?”
“Are you sure, Twi?” Applejack said skeptically.
“Positive. Now go.”
Pinkie's friends didn't want to leave her, but they figured somepony had to keep the Smooze from devouring all the shiny things in the castle. They were surprised that he hadn't tried to eat the castle yet.
As Pinkie Pie waved goodbye, excited that her friends with her Smooze, Twilight put a hoof around Pinkie's shoulder. “Pinkie, as your friend, I am happy that you found someone that you feel you can introduce to your friends. The Smooze seems like a nice, er, blob, and I'm sure that he will make you very happy.”
“Awww, thanks Twilight!”
“No problem. However, as a member of the Equestrian Science Community, I have to ask: WHAT THE BUCKING HAY DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING??”
Pinkie was a little blown back by Twilight's outburst, but she rubbed the wax out of her ear and said, “You want to run that by me again Twi?”
“Pinkie,” Twilight started calmly, “have you ever heard of the Equestrian Inter-Species Laws?”
“Not since my last year of law school.”
“The EISLs state that no two species can inter-breed. Do you know why those laws are in place?”
“No, but I suspect you are going to tell me.”
“Back when Discord was in control of Equestria, he performed countless experiments in crossbreeding. The result was a huge influx of completely mismatched creatures! Bugbears, Manticors, Centaurs, and the worst part is, with the exceptions of the Griffons and the Minotaurs, all of the resulting species were completely savage! Have you ever heard of the Bugbear civilization? No, because they were too stupid to start one!”
“That sounds a little racist Twilight.”
“Firstly, if I said Pegasi were stupid, that would be racist; this is actually speciesist. Secondly, it's not speciesism, it's science! Thie same thing happens with incest: the resulting generation is weaker than the last!”
“Wait! Wait... you think that... oh... oh!” Pinkie started to laugh.
“What's so funny?”
“Twilight, I don't currently have any long-term plans with Smoozy like that!”
“You don't? But... but I thought...”
Pinkie put a hoof around Twilight's shoulder. “Look, I won't deny that I've considered the idea, but I probably won't for two reasons: In the first place, while I have been more serious with the Smooze than my relationships of the past, I'd be a little hesitant to start a family with someone who Discord set me up with. I mean, give me some credit! I'm not some school-filly looking to get married to the first pony I see!”
“I guess you're right.” Twilight replied, “I'm sorry, I should have more faith in you. What's the other reason?”
“The other reason is that I'm pretty sure he reproduces asexually.”
“Wait, relationships of the past? How many coltfriends have you had?”
“Ah... Well... Oh would you look at the time! I've got to go, I still have to introduce Smoozy to Maude! Ta-ta!”
As Pinkie ran put the door, Spike finally emerged from the bathroom. “Is it safe yet?” he asked.
“Spike, keep an eye on the castle” Twilight said, “I have to have a talk with someone.”
“Who? The Smooze?”
“Worse.” Twilight shivered. “The creature who set them up.”
“Captain's Log. Stardate, 5x08. We have encountered a being claiming to be the God of Chaos, Loki, from the classic Norse mythology. I have personally seen the things he is capable of, and I must admit: he makes a compelling argument. Nevertheless, I have asked Geordi and Data examine him in order to determine his claim. I suspect that he may, in fact, be a member of the Q-continuum, if not another form of-”
“Ahem.”
Discord turned around sharply to find Princess Twilight Sparkle standing at his front door. Suddenly, his starfleet uniform felt much tighter than it should.
“...How much did you see?”
“Just enough... Captain.” Twilight said sarcastically as she entered the house. Discord immediately snapped out of his costume. “Lucky for you, I'm not here looking for blackmail, though it's good to have something on you if you betray us again. By the way, your robot chickens are loose, in case you want to catch them.”
“How did you even get here?” Discord asked as he sat on his beanbag, “Last I heard, you didn't know where I lived.”
“Celestia gave me the spell to enter this dimension.”
“Of course she did.” Discord snapped his claws and a soda appeared in his hand. “Sunkist?”
“I'll pass. I'm actually here to discuss your friend, the Smooze.”
“Ah, yes. The Smooze, Smooze-face, the Smoozinator, Smoozy, the star of a famous horror movie from the 80s of the same name: 'The Smooze.'” Discord paused for comedic effect. “That Smooze?”
“Yes that Smooze!”
“Ah, yes! I remember my college days with nostalgia and joy, well, the days I can remember anyways. Smooze and I were always getting into trouble, much to the disdain of my roommate Starsw-”
“Why did you set the Smooze and Pinkie Pie up together?”
Discord was surprised by Twilight's question. “Why do you ask?”
“Just answer the question.”
Discord leaned back and sipped his soda, contemplating his answer. “I was having a conversation the other day with Princess Cadence about shipping.” Discord finally said, “Apparently, she had been shipping Fluttershy and I for awhile now. It seemed ridiculous, but it made me think about what makes two beings compatible for a relationship, and suddenly, I had an epiphany. I realized that one way my chaos could be used for good would be for me to play cupid.”
“So, you set them up as, what, a test run?”
“Well, sure! I mean, these are two of my dearest friends, and they seemed to pass the compatibility test that Cadence had given me!” A magazine appeared in Discord's free hand. “Don't be too excited, I wasn't going to go all willy-nilly with this power, just maybe once or twice a year, perhaps even only on Hearts and Hooves day, but just enough to satisfy my thirst for chaos and keep the, erm, incident from happening again.”
“And you didn't see any flaws in this plan?” Twilight's Poker-Face was wavering.
“What are you getting at, Princess?”
“These are ponies' LIVES we're talking about!” Twilight exclaimed, stamping her hoof, “Not toys you can just pull out of a box whenever you feel like it, and certainly not dolls you can just smoosh together expecting them to kiss! It doesn't work like that!”
There was a long pause in the conversation as Discord considered what Twilight had said. A Kinky Boot Beast tromped through the room chasing a yellow submarine as the two immortals glared at one another. Suddenly, a light bulb lit up over Discord's head.
“Oh,” he said, “oh, oh, oh, I see what this is, this, this isn't concern. It's jealousy.”
“...What?”
“You're in love with Pinkie Pie!”
“Wha- I am not!” the alicorn said as her cheeks turned a shade darker.
“Oh, no need to be embarrassed Twilight, all types of love are accepted here.” A plate of pastries poofed into existence between the two. “Care for a Twinkie?”
Twilight facehoofed. “This is crazy. You're crazy!” She turned to leave. “I don't even know why I came here!”
“You came her to make sure she made the right decision.”
The purple alicorn stopped in her tracks. For a second she kept silent until she sighed in resignation and turned around. “Did she?”
Discord giggled. “You of all ponies should know, the right decision is the one you make right.” He snapped his claws and the items floating around him disappeared. “But, I'll tell you what. If you agree to stop meddling in Pinkie's relationships, I'll stop meddling in anypony else's.”
“There has to be a catch.” Twilight said skeptically.
“Just one. If the Smookie ship ends, you have to let me set up you and Pinkie Pie!”
Twilight's whole face turned red. “I am not agreeing to that!”
“That's my offer. Take it, or leave it.”
Twilight thought for a moment. It's not like Pinkie and the Smooze were going to break up any time soon, right?
“What do you mean you broke up with him already?”
“Just what it sounds like Twi.” Pinkie served a cupcake to her exasperated friend. It had been a good day at Sugarcube Corner, and many cupcakes were made.
“B-but, you two seemed so good together! What happened?”
“Well,” Pinkie started as she sat down with her own cupcake, “You know how I was taking him to meet Maude, my sister?”
“Yeah?”
“Well apparently, she has had a crush on Smoozy ever since the Gala! Not wanting to torture my sister, I gracefully stepped aside and allowed those two to blossom.” She sighed contentedly.
“So you're just giving up?”
“C'mon Twilight, if you loved someone, wouldn't you want them to be happy, even if that meant giving up your own happiness?”
Twilight thought for a moment. “...Yeah, I guess you're right.”
As Twilight ate her cupcake, she noticed a note that she could've sworn was not there earlier. It said, I'll be in touch. -D
Author's Note
Well, here it is, my first FIMfiction. Please tell me how I did.
