An Odyssey

Dramatis personae:

OCTAVIA PHILARMONICA (O)

FREDERIC HORSESHOPIN (F)

THE BOOZER

THE CONDUCTOR

JUDGE 1

JUDGE 2

STREET CHANTERS

THE FLOOR SWEEPER

THE BEER MUG

THE DUSTBIN

THE PRODUCER (cameo)

and other minor contributions

ACT I

(The scene is set on a corner of two busy streets, late in the evening, at approximately 11 pm. O is walking down of the streets, listening to the chatters of the STREET CHANTERS. She has thirst, and looks for a place to drink. Ready, set, go!)

O: I wonder where I can get a stiff drink at this time of the night…

STREET CHANTERS: Buy some apples! Only today! A wonderful discount on our horseshoes! Tomorrow’s newspapers! Buy some pears!

O: Shush, you. (Walks towards a pub.) Ah, here’s an old good pub for me to relax in.

JUDGE 1: You do not end the sentence on a preposition.

O: Shut up. (Walks into the bar. It is rather full, and there is not a single empty table. In the corner, she sees the familiar face of F, whom she had observed several times in the old Conservatoire during their quite separate rehearsals.) Ah, there’s a place with my name on it.

JUDGE 2: Unlawfully uncompyright untrademarked names lead to the usurpation of unstolen unproperty…

THE PROSECUTOR: Death penalty! (Shoots JUDGE 2.)

THE BEER MUG: Hey, Freddie.

F: Uh.

THE BEER MUG: Freddie, you drunken fool, wake up. There’s a pretty mare walking your way.

F: Uuh. (Raises his head. Sees O.) She’s a filly-fooler. (Lowers his head again.)

O: Is this seat taken?

THE BEER MUG: Of course it’s taken, right, Freddie? We don’t want no dirty filly-

F: Shut up. (To O:) No, it’s empty. You can sit if you want.

THE BEER MUG: I thought we was friends!

F: A gin, please!

THE WAITER: The ginness of what is the whatness of allgin. (Brings a gin.)

F: Much obliged. (Commits a dance on the table, throwing off THE BEER MUG.) Oops.

THE BEER MUG: (Dies.)

JUDGE 1: The death penalty is to be carried out five seconds ago. Amen.

(A priest enters the bar, followed by a huge procession, which accidentally knocks over THE DUSTBIN)

THE PRIEST: In Nomine Celestiam, et Fillii, et Spiritus Sancti.

THE DUSTBIN: Look where you’re going! Psh!

JUDGE 1: The trespassers will be-

O: And a gin for me, please.

(A bluesbuck starts singing.)

THE BLUESBUCK: Didn’t you never see my baby get home?

THE PROCESSION: No, we ain’t never seen you baby get home!

THE PRIEST: Amen.

JUDGE 1: So be it.

THE DUSTBIN: Psh!

O: Are you sure I’m not intruding?

F: No, not in the sss-hic-slightest. (He is drunk.)

A BARBERSHOP QUINTET: He is drunk, he is drunk, what we’re gonna do?

THE CONDUCTOR: And one, and two, and one two three four!

(THE ORCHESTRA starts playing modern swing, to which THE PROCESSION starts dancing. F jumps onto the table and taps a tap dance while downing his gin. He sings, and THE PRIEST levitates him high so he can see THE PROCESSION’s admiring gazes.)

THE PROCESSION: He’s a hero! He’s a genius! He’s the stallion Equestria needs!

THE PRIEST: For he is the rock upon which Celestia’s Church would be built!

JUDGE 1: And Celestia said, let there be rock, and there was rock.

THE CONDUCTOR: Rock’n’roll!

(THE ORCHESTRA shifts to playing a rock’n’roll ballad.)

O: Nice weather we’re having today, isn’t it.

F: Uhuh. (His eyelids are closing from time to time.)

(F, in a tuxedo, is sitting at the grand piano, while the patrons, as well as THE PROCESSION eye him curiously.)

F: It was a warm and very shiny day~

THE CHOIR: A shiny daaaay~

F: I felt my troubles withering away~

THE CHOIR: -thering awaaay~

F: And when I saw you standing there, oh when I saw those eyes, that hair, I didn’t know what else I co-ould saaay~

O: Still, rather stuffy, you have to admit.

F: Mmhm. (Drinks a gin.)

(F is on the stage, shooing THE BLUESBUCK and his band away.)

F: So I says, what do you do to stuff a fridge with an elephant?

THE PROCESSION: What do you do?

F: You open the fridge, you take an elephant, and you stuff the fridge with an elephant!

THE ORCHESTRA: Badum-tss!

THE PROCESSION: Ha! Ha! So rich! Ha! Stuff with an elephant! Ha!

F: Thank you, thank you, my lords. (Takes a bow. Dressed as a medieval lawyer, gives an address.) My faithful listeners, I must draw your attention to the fact that the common practice of stuffing a fridge with an elephant entails opening the fridge, or should we say refrigerator, taking an elephant, and stuffing the fridge, this refrigerator, with the aforementioned elephant.

THE PROCESSION: Take notes! (THE PROCESSION includes: the reverend SalmonToothbrush, Harashimoto Tagakrashi, Waldorf Zummenbleib, Pasua de Monteliesse, Victor Derbikoff, Almanda Verybeauty, Rashanda Notsobeauty, Werre Crammendorfnotennussgemuseraffelholl, Abrakadabr Kirsometiev, Verdanf Durala, Waldovoll Russendisko, Semranta Parahranta, Zibrik Vesmak, Les Piel De Vorschlaf Unter Ein Cock, Krimendell Von Riespenshnell, Lamia Manloverless, Lamiatta Manloverdo, Mannio Womanlover, Mascatto Verochelli, Arrivederci Kirka Voll Dramen Mit Krugen Ans Ratto Risperanto Vollshack Rastucci, Shortfellow Hamensbricknotsocloseoftheramblingwordcheeseeaterdemarchmakertheforeignministerioperdu ccirasperantovolshebnikorfeuskurzdickeinbedantesmann, and other renowned religious and secular participants.)

O: I believe (drinking her gin) that the Princess will be raising the sun soon.

F: Of course. We worship her because she raises the sun. Or, rather, if she didn’t raise the sun, why would we worship her? For grace? For… (Mumbles drunkenly.)

THE BOOZER: Hey you!

F: Yes, my good man?

THE BOOZER: What did you just say about our Princess?

F: Our Princess, my good man? Why, I didn’t say much about “our” Princess. Your Princess, maybe. I didn’t choose her and yet she rules over me. The tragedy! The farce!

THE BOOZER: Me thinks you fucker and me hoof should ‘ave a talk outside!

ACT II

(THE BOOZER drags F outside. O follows in a trot.)

O: O, this is all a huge misunderstanding, believe me! Look, he is a renown musician; if you would just listen-

THE BOOZER: Mah hoof would listen to his bloody heretic face! Me likes our Princess and all who don’t will-a talk straight to mah hoof ‘here!

O: Oh, no, you see, he’s inebriated, he…

ACT III

F: What I am saying, my good man, let us choose our rulers in peace-

ACT IV

F: -while we can-

ACT V

THE BOOZER: Take-

Entracte.

ACT VI

(THE BOOZER hits F.)

ACT VII

(F falls.)

Entracte.

ACT VIII

THE BOOZER: -this!

Entracte.

ACT IX

(THE BOOZER walks away)

ACT X

O: Oh my Celestia. (Leans over the fallen form of F.) Is he breathing? (Presses her ear against his chest.) Yes, merely unconscious. Hey. (Shakes him.) Mr Horseshopin? (Shakes again.) Frederic?

F: For Equestria… for beauty… and… glooooo…

THE CONDUCTOR: Soft pipes!

(The stage is empty, save for O holding the unconscious lying form of F. THE FLOOR SWEEPER is sweeping the floor.)

THE PRODUCER: Skibbidy-bop skibbidy-bop skibbidy-daa.

Finita!