All the Northern Lights That Cannot Be Seen
Everypony always wants Summer, not because of the climate or the weather, but the fact that vacation is just around the corner. Who doesn't want to spend a fine time on their own, or spend time with those who they truly love. Celestia knew that this is the perfect opportunity for her people to actually be relaxed and refreshing the brisk wind that comes from the unknown.
Then, there was me... Who was not satisfied with his struggles through the first year in high school.
Not only that, we still had one more geometry regent to finish and one more week of free time in school before actually head out to do whatever we like. The pain coming from the three hour test was a bit stressing and bitter, but I managed to wing it like a true Pegasus should. Not mattering how difficult some problems were, as long as I tried my best and did a great job on it, I can care no more. However, the one thing I overlooked was not about this final exam we have to take for this year, but the fact that I have done poorly on others: History IA (Interim Assessment, the major exam that the students my school and few others have to take at the end of every semester) finals, I have failed to complete my content based quiz (an essay where I have to respond to a question while using an argument format, and I have to memorize my evidences with sophisticated analysis on my evidences), I didn't know why the two hour wingspan passed so quickly, but I was expected to finish it under that time... And I have failed that challenge. Art History IA too: I arrived late to school, so I only had one damn hour to write a contextual analysis essay instead of two, which I was almost done, but didn't finish it either... Literature was another essay as well, even though I finished it, it was plain bullshit because I was under the overpower of time again, my analysis was short and not thoughtful, and my disordered mouthwriting was absolutely horrendous! Who would even bother to read it? Probably the teachers would just throw it into the trash, not even recycling it with paper because it's so freakin' bad. Latin was perhaps one of my best subjects in my school, and I got pretty impressive grades on it. Even that, I have not reviewed it enough for me to actually memorize all the rules and grammar stuffed into the IA final, it stumped me, I was stomped, everything became so ironic all of a sudden: I have forgotten so many stuffs I learned from Latin, it was disgusting and horrible. I don't want to go into the ugly details anymore.
Finally, the breath where I and another classmate of mine can catch, for we completed it at the same time, and skipped the same question that we never learned in class. It was like we were being dishonest with the school, because the teachers there take academic dishonesty and integrity very seriously. Heh, it was weird, because the stallion next to me was much smarter than I was in school, he worked hard for it, he has got a accommondation award each term, and he has done pretty damn good job on all his other subjects, but the fact that he has been hurting his plot off for trying to make sure everything is right, clears up the fact that I wasn't the only one unprepared, even though we were the second to last before the two mares in the back finished just a minute after we were. It was unexplainable, could it be that the divine god has coursed us to step on the same rock and hit two birds on one stone? Because if it wasn't for the god's actions, then my classmate would never reflect together with me on what we have been through and predicting what will come to sting us in our sophomore year.
The stallion who I just talked about is Hazed Streak, he is a jet black stallion with clear gray hooves, his mane is much of an Afro styled, also darkened. His tail is, well, all black too. He's just born black and nothing else... Wait! His eyes are shiny amber, that's the only non black part about him... He does look a bit scary on the outside, but in reality, he is pretty shy and antisocial, but if you get in good terms with him, he can be really hilarious and unpredictable at times. He is a pretty cool pony to hang out with, but just his accomplishments over mine has been mingled into jealousy instead. In fact, so many students in this school has done better than me in terms of grades and... Well, as a hard worker and contributing to society.
"I wonder what will the school force us to to next? Probably studying for our next IA upcoming half a year later when we are in sophomore?" I joked.
"Yea, probably do a declamation on our last week before vacation... Or even declaim what we read in our book each day in sophomore year." Hazed Streak responded.
We both laughed slightly, not because it was not funny enough, but the fact that the stress from now on will remain endless, and stress was one of the mane reason why I wanted to write this:
Ever since I arrived to this high school, there has been high mountains of work to complete, not only homework, but studying for quizzes and tests, preparing for seminars, declamations, doing this and that. IT WAS OVERWHELMING! I'm telling you, I always have to sleep until late night, and getting up at six in the morning, the lack of oxygen definitely meant that my brain isn't prepared for the day in school. I would often get tired and stressed, and that not only hurts my grades a little, but my thoughts into a blank and foggy brain, mood shifts to depression and negativity, personality changes from open to a social phobic (funny too, because our school is known for public speaking)... I basically have lost all the reason to live any longer.
Motivation was another problem, since I have all the stress, there was very little time to actually study and experience on what is working hard. Everyday from then I just wanted to finish my homework and call it off for the rest of the day, because I'm unsteady on the cliff of the steep canyon. I have completely NO direction to go to, and there was no goal for myself to set on; What will I do when I grow up? What do I want to be? Where do I start? How do I start? These wondering questions all came to a dead end: and that is I did not push myself to actually begin on it. Looking at how my peers around me work hard and did not even bother to pay attention to how they are wearing themselves out, they just are doing it... As if they are enjoying... No. They just are resistant to the woe given off by the hard work, their persona bears armor replenished and repaired everytime while I'm here absorbing and inhaling the toxic waste. It was not fair, then again, life was not fair. I have once been to Ponyville, and everypony are pretty enthusiastic about welcoming me. From what I've seen, everypony works hard in their own talents and jobs, there's Applejack bucking for apples and wearing herself out by kicking down trees with her family, Rarity stressed but happy everyday about making new dresses and clothing for the town (and making business with other places of course), Rainbow Dash physically training herself so she can be a Wonderbolt, Pinkie Pie making everyone happy and baking delicious goods for her friends, Fluttershy caring and living with animals, which is a pretty busy task, considering the number of animals she has to feed and live with. Finally there's Twilight Sparkles, or should I say: Princess Twilight Sparkles, she is totally one of my idols and the one I respect the most, because she studies all day and night, gaining knowledge as simple as that, concentrated and applying the language into her brain in a snap, then using it as her tool to success. What I'm saying is that all the ponies work hard in some way to live and spend their times meaningfully, and then there are those who are too lazy to accomplish anything, simply because it is too much work for them.
I can only think about slacking off and not suffer a bit to gain success, I did not effectively leave a scratch on my cutie mark, something that everypony has that represents their talent and will carry it as their wound, which they must live with forever and on. I did not want to work hard anymore because it tires me out, everyday will be the same crap: working and doing my job... I always tried to be motivated though, but it has been proved fruitless as I am sealed inside the cycle of depression, stress and unmotivation.
"Why White Cosmos? Why do you have to overthink and look so far into this the wrong way? Be positive for a second will ya?" My mind will remind me frequently, but even with what my mind says, does not match how my mind thinks. It's complicated and obscure, don't want to say much about that. It's just how my brain is working, when there is the positive, there's always the negative, therefore it balances out the order within Equestria; a law that is so powerful that it even affects the mind of an individual like me. From my wings to my hooves, it strains with pain, I do not want to move a single inch any longer, I wish I can just live in peace and paradise, where I have the freedom to whatever I felt like. Sadly, not even Celestia nor Luna can actually do much about changing that; Utopia does not mean relaxing and enjoying living the way one likes it to be, sadly again.
Because of the way I think and feel based on the situation, I can consider myself to be very neutral and close minded. I do not care one single thing about what others do, or if it ends, or anyone's future, not even myself sometimes. My emotions only come off my face exciting everywhere when I am actually hyped or interested with something, which is almost none, regularly, I will not overreact like others, creating fake and stupid dramas over pointless topics that will never touch a hair of mine. I may care about those who I love and are close to, but not emotionally nor openly. The world is too much for me to handle already, heck I can't even keep myself still on a chair! My marefriend has been stuck up with me for about a year, but the fact that I do not show my affection and compassion, there was no point of staying together was there? I was a lame stallion anyways, not good for anything, not good at anything, just wandering on and about the eternal universe we are standing on right this instant. Every second, every bit of time we are advancing until deceasing.
"Hold on, I'm gonna buy some snacks, gotta fill up our stomachs after the final blow from school right?" I told Hazed Streak.
Unanimously, he agreed and I got myself some sour cream onion Ridgies and Cheetos. But then after purchasing it, I can't just hog it all myself when my friend is next to me, the guilt can be heartattack once I realized how selfish it is to get two bags of food for myself only, so I gave some to Streak, just to show him that I'm a morale pony.
After doing such thing, I have seen something new, it's confusing as hell. I'm not neutral completely, I do have some sort of feelings out there, I am not entirely detached from this world yet. Almost all the time in class, I refuse to raise my hand often because one: I do not want to be wrong, I like perfection, and I cannot help myself to steer away from that stain. Two: The result of me being wrong is the judgement by my classmates, especially from those who do better than me in those classes. I have been trying to ignore their presence and not be controlled by the opinions of others, but for some reason it was a mission of impossibility. Anxiety and nervousness has never left my sight, wherever I went, it's standing there, staring at me with those two creepy eyeballs, I have been injected with fear and timidness, no vaccination can suck it out.
It hurts, just remembering how many mistakes have I made. And repeated over and over again, I haven't changed at all in growth, I am still distracted, ignorant of the world revolving around each and every pony. Everything is so hard for me to understand, even makes me think that working hard will not do anything if I don't even know what's going on. Literature, history and art history always feed me with difficult grammar, the word choices and structure was confounding, it makes my mind run back and forth, not gaining any progress at all, the most possible conclusion I have came up with is that I don't read much. I never liked reading in my life, it's boring with all the words chunked up in one small page, I can barely keep up with the plot, and the fact that I have to kill my brain just to think about the author's choice and intention of why making the plot line this way, or the purpose of the word choice, or figurative language... I cannot pay attention to all the details at the same time if I can't even make sure that I can follow the protagonist's progress through the story.
I really want to read books and improve my comprehension on society and communication better, but my attention has been shattered like the chaotic resonance with a child's voice and glass. Not only can I not understand sometimes, but I find it difficult for me to pay attention to everything. Whenever my friends talk to me, I'm distracted. Whenever I listen to the teacher speaking and teaching, I'm distracted. Whenever I get information to a question that I wanted learn more about, I'm distracted. Whenever I lay my hooves down and began working or studying, I'm distracted. Whenever I begin to think about something, I'm distracted... Non of these problems apply to my idol princess.
The only thing I'm actually excelled at in school was being athletic, my fitness gram reports were pretty damn good, and in physical education, I'm one of those few that show activeness as my hooves step all over the mud and sweat can be poured out with no matter. I'm even in the school's Ultimate Frisbee team! I have been doing a good job there, contributing to the team with my speed and stamina, the whole squad was impressed with it.
Even so, I have been clumsy with my catching, my mouth just can't seem to get a good grip on the disk as it spins towards me. My defending has some major issues as well. Perhaps this is connected to my inattentiveness and anxiety when I'm on the field battling it out with the opponent team. I sometimes would let my teammates down, and nobody actually gave me much credit when we won the match, no one cared about me, but then again, I don't socialize with them much because I can't relate or adjust myself into their own circle. Probably I am not practicing my throws and catches enough, but when the hell do I even have the time to do that while the school doesn't give a crap and throws out plates and dishes of work we have to clean, properly and completely? Furthermore, who can I practice with other than my uncle or someone that's close to me? I don't actually hang out with my friends often anyways...
Right... Friends...
Something I have been wondering, is that when will I actually find a true friend who I can rely on, stick with, care about. Even in a city of millions, I seem to have trouble finding the right one, my old childhood friends now barely interact with me, and now in high school it is even harder to find a friend, because they all prefer to remain in theirs. Nopony started befriending me except a few, I only befriended one or two, and that's about it isn't there? I don't even have their address because we live too far away from each other, we don't chat (other than in school), we only act like friends, but we aren't anywhere being truthful with ourselves. We simply are just selfish and only care about ourselves, while we don't even care about what's happening or improving our relationships with one another. Ugh! Why do I even bother care about how selfish they are, this is about me! I'm the selfish pony here, not giving in effort to pay up for my sins and errs.
This is what I call, a true predicament. There are so many things to deal with, and it traps my mental spirit while trying... Or attempting to actually fix them. Then the virus slowly crawls into my emotions, dragging me deep down below hell, where the flames and disasters are ready to swallow me up into the ungrateful darkness. One problem comes up from another, one solution results in another conflict, the challenges never end, nor will life, but this is the reality and gore we are trudging through. Ponies fall and get back up, while the others stay down until too late. There is no such thing as peace and prosperity: something I constantly seek for, but I don't and can never make it happen.
This is life, there is always the obvious to be seen and there are always deeper meanings to each and every single detail of event or existence. Science can progress through again and again, but never stops. History will never stop, even if Equestria ends right now. Knowledge keeps on going on and on, everything keeps going on and on, nothing ever changes even from the reign of Discord all the way to today. The stars burn each other out, the blows I have taken awaits somewhere nearby so that I have to retake it again... I cannot help but wince and shed a tear from my heart, I just want to give and commit suicide right now, there is no point of going forward is there? The purpose and meaning of life can never be explained and explored, or it has, but we ponies do not want to view it that way. Boredom kills the momentum after all.
However, once Hazed Streak departed into the tubes of the subway, I felt a bit lonely at first, but then realized that I can express out my true nature again to a moderate extent (still have to watch the ponies around me, not thinking that I'm weird or anything). And so I sprung upwards, flying as high as I could. I shook my head off all that trying thinking. I saw the yellow sun, as it glared at me, making me nervous and hot, but I did not care one thing about it, for it was finally break time. My frown in my overthinking has converted to a smile once I struck deep into the clear sky, making a hole in the barriers, not giving in about anything else, because right now, freedom is all I cared about. The speed of my flight has sped up my mood to hyperactivity, I shuttered my eyes, and only think of taking a rejoicing break where no trouble will halt at my stop. Ever.
