MUFFINS

by Peppermint Swirls

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Random, Derpy Hooves, Pinkie Pie, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 2847

Pinkie Pie makes Muffins with Derpy! oh joy! **HORRIBLE FIC, AS IN, POORLY WRITTEN BY MY PAST SELF**

****FIXED EVEN MORE THINGS AND ADDED MORE THINGS TOO*****

**FIXED A TON OF THINGS, INCLUDING PICTURE I FOUND FROM DA, i think its better...SLIGHTLY...**

Literally made this when i was bored, VERY bored.
It is what it sounds like, a crappily done sequel of Cupcakes, and believe me, i don't think it needs more sequels...
but i did it out of stupidity and boredom anyway.

And what i wrote down here:
Please note this story is very loosely based on a certain horror fanfiction, “Cupcakes”. Same setting with Pinkamena Diane Pie, better known as Pinkie Pie, or rather, Psycho Pie! But with none other than… you guessed it…
…
…
…
Derpy Hooves.
(think of it as a sequel, ok?)

...i kind of want to punch my past self in the face.

Don't read if:
-you like Derpy Hooves
-you're not a fan of gore
-if you REALLY don't want to read bad fics like this made by my stupid past self that i totally regret.

Also, i think it's best if you read this as a sort of Joke!Fic instead of taking it seriously.

really, it'll make everything better.

Published 2012-05-21 16:24:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-05-21 16:24:01 UTC

Derpy and Pinkie bake Muffins

Ponyville…

Bright Eyes, more known as “Derpy Hooves” to her friends due to her wonky eyes, had received a mysterious letter.

To whom it may concern…

Hello! You’ve been invited to my Muffin-fest! Bring a blanket, and let’s start baking!

Pinkamena Diane Pie.

Derpy’s wall-eyed pupils widened in amazement, she loved muffins more than anything else in the world.excited and unknowing of what would happen, she hurried off to Sugarcube Corner.

“Welcome.” the door swung open, a dark pink mare with her hair straight, and a grin, greeted.
“I LOVE MUFFINS!” Derpy said joyously, bouncing up and down.

“I know you do. Come on in!”
Pinkamena grinned, rather devilishly.

“so…where do we begin?” Derpy asked, curious.
She looked around the store, smiling. the Sweets shop was clean and tidy, as if it was just cleaned.

“Not yet, dear.”
the pink mare said, closing her eyes and smiling,
“let’s make tea, shall we?”
“sure! What kind?” Derpy grinned.

“oh, naïve little Derpy! Chamomile will do.”

Pinkie then poured the yellow tea, chuckling softly.
“What’s so funny?” the grey mare asked, cocking her head.
“it’s fun to have parties!” the pink mare tried her best to not laugh harder.

“I wonder why your name is ‘Pinkamena’?”
Pinkie spat out her tea, the green liquid spilled onto Derpy’s face and the table.
“oh. You little filly…I’d rather not discuss that.”

Pinkamena dipped a biscuit in her tea.
“But—”

“Drink your tea!” Pinkamena interrupted, her large blue eyes flashed.

Derpy Hooves soon fell asleep that night, not knowing that Pinkamena was feeding her muffins.
“There, Derpy, don’t be hungry for the night.” she grinned, surpressing a giggle, looking at the fireplace, she whispered,
“Oh, a little fire will do! Be warm, my sweetie.”
Pinkamena Diane Pie put a bonfire near the sleeping pony.

Derpy woke up seeing a bag of muffins in front of her.
“for me?” the little gray mare asked, smiling.
“we’ll bake them today! Eat up.”
Derpy scoffed down the muffins, the sweet treat making her a little more awake.

“Bake, Derpy, bake!” Pinkamena ordered the golden-eyed mare, watching as Derpy was constantly mixing the ingredients and putting them in the stove repeatedly.
“I’m tired, Pinkie!” she panted, struggling to smile.

“Sleep near the fireplace, I’ll do with the muffins!” the pink mare walked over to the fireplace, the fire inside burning ablaze with red flames.

Just as Derpy was settling down, Pinkamena finally let her plan go into motion, and pushed her towards the fireplace.
Pinkamena watched mercilessly at the terrorized pony that was burning in the flames, the grey pony screamed in horror as flames licked at her coat and scorched her gold mane.

Finally having enough, he pulled Derpy out of the fireplace, but her so-called rescue wasn’t indented.
The pink mare soaked her with ice-cold water.
“Oops, I must’ve pushed you too hard.” Pinkamena smiled at Derpy, whose purple-gay coat was now charred and black, the few remnants of her mane had turned brown, her eyes were red and wide with horror.

“hungry?” Pinkamena grinned as she held out a tray full of blueberry muffins, and stuffed then into Derpy’s charred, red mouth.
“I hope you’re thirsty, too!” Pinkamena laughed, picking up a jar of tea, and forced Derpy to drink it all in one gulp.

Derpy lay panting, her stomach was bloated from force-feeding and gulping liquid, her coat charred and red, her wet hooves trying to get her to stand up, but slipping, the pain in her eyes showed.
“you sick? I’ll help you!” Pinkamena reached her hoof down Derpy’s throat, the burnt mare gagged.
She spew thick, brown liquid onto the mantelpiece and the once-clean floor, chunks were spat on Pinkamena as well, but she did not bother.

Pinkamena laughed again,“You’ll meet with your fate, just like I did with…” Pinkamena’s eyes darkened, despite the bright sun,“Rainbow Dash!”

“The cupcakes?!” Derpy choked, she, as well as everypony else, had heard of the infamous Cupcake murder.
“Oh, i forgot to tell you why i invited you to be my next victim…” the pink mare grinned, looking at the knife drawer for a moment, then looked into Derpy’s eyes with a menacing smile, Your number came up, you know?”

Derpy gasped, visibly shaken, she managed to squeak out,”i….i’m sorry…”

“Sorry my ass! you deserve to be my most precious muffin, oh yes!” Pinkamena chuckled, the fire in her eyes ablaze, Derpy gulped.

“P-pinkie…what about—”WHACK.

Derpy groggily woke up to a throbbing pain at the back of her head, noticing that she was in a dark, unfamiliar room, she inhaled deeply, and looked down.
she appeared to be strapped on a wooden rack, metal chains strapped onto her four hooves and neck, only her wings were unstrapped, but even trying to flutter with them didn’t work.
now breathing faster, she looked around, nervous.

“Let’s cut up some muffins, shall we?” A voice emerged from the dark room, and as the grey mare heard hoof-steps, her heart beat faster.

“P-pinkie….w-what are you doing?” the grey pegasus asked, her heart fluttering,

Pinkamena revealed herself, pushing a rusted cart covered with a bloodied cloth,
“Don’t worry, Derpy! every thing’s gonna be all right!”

“W—but i didn’t do anything to you! what are you doing?!” Derpy cried, the Pegasus’s eyes brimming with tears.

“Oh, just prepping up the secret ingredient…you!” Pinkamena cleaned her hooves, and walked over to Derpy.
“Also, Have i shown you what the rest of this place is like?”

Derpy panted, not daring to speak.

As Pinkamena clicked on the faint light, the grey pegasus gasped in horror.
the entire room was grotesquely decorated,
many streamers scattered around the room, but they weren’t streamers at all, they were the entrails of dead ponies.
Derpy looked at the next decorations.

a few dozen brightly painted, yet bloodied skulls of ponies hung the walls and shelves, pastel-colored balloons made out of organs were floating up the ceiling, all of the chairs and tables were not made of wood but of rotted flesh and dry, cracked bones. Four foal heads sat in the center of a table, their flesh long rotted, maggots squirming around the eye sockets of each foal.

Derpy’s eyes quickly looked around, realigning to a large banner at the top, made of blood and flesh, it read,Life is a Party.

Her attention then darted back to a party horn, fleshy and red, as it unfurled, touching her lips and retracting. The Pegasus’s eyes widened at the sight of Pinkamena, the pink pony wore a dress of the many Cutie Marks of her previous victims, her necklace made of severed horns, each from an Unicorn, and the last display was her six wings of different colors.

“Like it, Derpy?” Pinkamena giggled, bouncing up and down, but the pegasus was far from happy.
tearing up, Derpy cried out,”Pinkie, don’t do this! i didn’t do ANYTHING!”

“Oh, don’t cry, Derpy! everything will be okay!” Pinkamena patted the crying mare on the head, grinning.
Derpy only cried harder, this time fear and horror taking over regret.

The pink mare held up a thin, sharp scalpel, and reached over to Derpy’s right flank, right above her cutie mark.
She made a circular incision, peeling away the flesh, as Derpy screamed in terror and pain.

as the rest of the flesh peeled away, Pinkamena moved on to the Pegasus’s left flank, doing the same incision.

Derpy gritted her teeth, trying to look away from the pink mare cutting her flesh, and trying to ignore the searing pain.

finishing, Pinkamena smiled, and held up the two cutie marks,”Look! they’re cute, is that why they’re called ‘Cutie Marks’?”.
she put down the bloodied pieces of flesh onto the table, and held up a large, thick butcher knife.

“Gotta wing it to you, Derpy! you’ve been a great help.” as she walked behind Derpy, the mare tugged at her wings, yanking them hard. Derpy cried out again, the burning pain in her flanks reignited.

Preparing her aim, Pinkamena brought the knife down hard at the base of her victim’s wing, and as it hit the flesh, Derpy shrieked, frantically waving her wings, the fast thrashing ruined Pinkamena’s aim, and she brought the knife down the base of Derpy’s neck instead.

Pinkamena sighed, holding on to the mangled wing,”You know, Derpy, if you weren’t so ditzy, you’d be a lot easier to work with!”
Pinkamena whacked the blade down again repeatedly, hitting her target as blood sprayed out, staining the pony’s face, but it didn’t work, the blade wasn’t sharp enough to cut through bone.

“I guess I’ll use my Hack-saw!” she grinned, grabbing a large saw, and walking behind Derpy again.
the gray Pegasus whimpered, tears streaming down her cheeks, she closed her eyes and braced for impact.

Pinkamena aimed the tool above the mangled base of the gray wing, on hind legs, using her two front hooves, she swung the saw back and forth, it easily severed through the skin and bone.

Derpy gagged, the jagged teeth of the saw working its way through her poor wing made her feel queasy.
Pinkamena grinned as the wing fell off to the ground, bloodied and splintered.

the pony moved on to the next wing, but to Derpy, it was no use to struggle anymore, the pain had fatigued her, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

Only slightly opening her eyes when the sawing had paused, she slowly looked over to Pinkamena, who chuckled at her,”Think fast now!”
it took her less than a second to react as Pinkamena stripped down the last remnant of flesh at the base from back to the rump, she shrieked loudly, tears flying, her body paralyzed at the unexpected pain, her legs locked together and she felt the familiar, warm expel of urine.
panting hard, she froze and collapsed.

She awoke with the lout beating of her heart and a gasp, her vision became less blurred to focus on a frustrated-looking Pinkamena staring at her, pulling out a large needle filled with adrenaline.
“You should know that it’s rude to fall asleep when I’m having fun with you!” Pinkamena spat.

Derpy blinked away tears, but they kept falling. her sides were searing with pain, so much pain.
the pink pony sighed, taking a red object to her mouth.

Pinkamena noticed Derpy looking at what she ate,”This delicious morsel? it’s from your leg! you taste good, here, try some!”

she shoved another piece into Derpy’s mouth, and the pegasus immediately gagged, spitting it out.
“Oh, gross. do you really think my muffins are bad?” Pinkamena frowned.
Derpy groaned in disgust, “P-Pinkie…”.
Pinkamena cocked her head, “what is it, Derpy? need a little more fun?” she grinned.
the pink mare held up a drill, and walked over to Derpy, “Dont be scared, little Filly of mine!”
Derpy gasped, clamping her mouth shut, but Pinkamena pried it open with a clamp, and turned on the buzzing drill.
Placing the drill into Derpy’s mouth, the pink mare drilled holes into her cheeks, blood spewed out the openings, and with a pair of pliers, she yanked out several of her teeth.
Derpy shrieked, a gurgled noise emerging from her throat, blood spurted in all directions, covering the Pink pony in sweet, crimson liquid.

the pink pony walked over to a can on the tray, opening it up to reveal five searing hot coals, she grinned at Derpy.
the Pegasus’s adrenaline acted up again, and she took in large gasps of breath.

“Don’t be scared! i’m just going to give you some treats!” the pink pony held up the can of coals carefully,”They’re kind of hot, but they will taste better that way!”

Derpy screamed again, crying,”N-no! i don’t want to deal with this anymore! NOOO!”

the pink mare ignored the pained Pegasus’s screams and dropped the hot coals down Derpy’s mouth.

The burning smell of flesh watered her eyes, her throat searing with white-hot pain, blood gurgled up and dribbled to the sides of her mouth.
swallowing the coals only made it worse, a heavy, hot pain ignited in her stomach, and she coughed up bile of blood and charred flesh.

Pinkamena laughed at the funny happenings, and she focused her attention to two electrical rods, smiling at Derpy, she picked he two rods and implanted them into Derpy’s ears.

“You always said you wanted your eyes realigned, huh?”

Derpy tried to scream but a gurgling sound came out instead, followed by another vomit.

Pinkamena cackled, flipping on the switch.

Electricity surged though the Pegasus’s head, her skull felt as if it were going to explode, eyes rolled into the back of her head, her body tensed, thrust upwards and slammed back onto the ground, letting out a gurgling shriek, the blood spewed out of her mouth and her ears bled.

Pinkamena laughed again, how lovely this scene was! she turned off the switch, steam emanated through the Pegasus’s ears and mouth, she waked over to Derpy,”Hay! don’t sleep yet, sweetheart! Pinkie’s still working on you!”
Pinkamena then used the wheel on the rack to extend Derpy into full position, perfect for what was going to happen next.

The pink pony pushed the a needle into her lower spine column, and Derpy woke with a jolt, still in tremendous amounts of pain.

“Think of it as anesthesia! you won’t feel a thing in the next few minutes.”
Pinkamena walked over to the tray and picked up a large knife.
“P-Pin-Pinkie?” Derpy managed to cry out.
“Yes, Sweetie?”
“I—i want to go home! Please don’ do this, Pinkie!” she cried, and vomited again.

“…likely story. you’ll be home soon!”
Pinkamena took a look at Derpy’s eyes, “They don’t look fixed!”.
the pink mare took out a clamp and two iron spires, grinning.
Derpy looked up weakly, eyes tearing up.
With a flash, Pinkamena placed the clamp onto the bridge of her victim’s nose, between the eyes, and laid down the iron spires.
twisting the clamp, Pinkamena heard the soft cracking of the bone at the base of her eyes, then moved on to the forehead, she pinched a piece of gray skin, twisting the clamp around again creating a large hole in the middle of her forehead. Derpy screamed softly and cried, the sound of muscle being torn away and the feeling of tendons snapping sickened her.

Onto the next part, Pinkamena picked up one spire, and put it on the middle of Derpy’s right eye, and brought down a hammer with it, crashing through the eyeball and impaling through the skull, Derpy shrieked louder, convulsing.

the second spire, Pinkamena heated it up, and with her hammer, slammed it down the bases of her front hooves, the hot pain and numbness of Derpy’s hooves tingled through her, screaming in agony, she cried harder.
Pinkamena injected more of the anesthesia into Derpy, as soon as the Pegasus’s body numbed, the pink pony made a long incision reaching from her pelvis to the base of her sternum.
Pinkamena peeled open the flaps of skin, a gooey, wet sound was made.

Derpy’s breathing quickened, the sight of her organs horrified her.

Pinkamena grabbed the Abdominal sac and sliced it open, the juice running off the table, revealing the Intestines.

“Look at this, Derpy! it’s like a snake! wriggly wriggly!” she flailed around the two entrails, waggling them around as if they were toys, Derpy wanted to vomit.

“Ooh!” Pinkamena held up the stomach, squeezing it, the remains of the coal gushed out of a hole,”hehehe!”
Derpy was barely aware of what was going on anymore, too fatigued and tired to go on anymore, she fell asleep again.

Pinkamena took hold of her victim’s esophagus and squeezed it. “squishy organs, that’s interesting!”

Derpy woke up from yet another hit of the Adrenaline needle, and saw that her heart was pounding fast, but it was leaking with blood.
“Hay, i’m getting a little bored with this, how about you, Derpy?” Pinkamena asked.

Derpy, near death now, the last thing she felt was the scraping of the knife against her skull…
She was gone.
Now all Pinkamena had to do was sew the skin back together.
cleaning off the remaining flesh and blood, the pink pony used a needle, and sewed through the skin, connecting it into one grisly piece.
Adding the finishing touches of hair and the cutie mark, Pinkamena smiled.
The doll that stood in front of her was a effigy of Derpy Hooves, hand-crafted and carefully woven back to it’s original frame. Pinkamena hugged her grotesque doll, and said to it, “There, Derpy, my little filly, everything will be better now!”
The pink mare turned around to the skinned, gutted remnants of a corpse that was once Derpy, and grinned, “Hey Derpy, how about we cook up some delicious Muffins?”
She shook the head of the doll, whispering, as if it were saying, “No! let’s see who’s number came up now!”
“Good idea, Derpy! i’m proud of you, my filly!”
…
…
…
…
“Hey, Rarity. Have any ideas?”