The Cult

by Alicorn Airport

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Bulk Biceps, Slice of Life, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 2220

Twilight's induction to crossfit.

Twilight has been getting fat. Rainbow Dash says so.

The recommendation: the new Crossfit class at the Ponyville gym.

It can't be harder than extensively studying arcane texts, can it?

A small one-shot that wouldn't leave my mind.

Is this comedy? Or just stupidity? I don't know, yet I still used the tag.

Published 2015-06-22 00:00:08 UTC
Last updated 2015-06-22 00:00:08 UTC

Induction

'Twilight, you're getting fat.'

'Excuse me?' Said Twilight, looking at her technicolour-maned friend, who was lounging on the windowsill of the library. She had been engrossed in perusing a most interesting text on the reign of Discord, thank you very much. The nonsensical versions of feudalism and 'Discordocracy' were very engaging. The research hadn't even begun yet!

'You heard me Twi: You. Are getting. Fat.' Reiterated Rainbow, hovering in the air with her front legs crossed next to the purple princess, 'And as your flight trainer—'

'Rainbow, that was months ago...' And she was sure Rainbow Dash had considered her a good student.

'As your totally awesome flight trainer, I can't let you get fat. Fat princesses are not cool, since I trained you, that would make me not cool. And I'm the coolest pony in Ponyvile; I can't be not cool!' Explained the pegasus, trying to make the purple princess understand. 'You need to do exercise stuff. Strong exercise stuff.' Rainbow put a hoof to her chin, thinking. 'You're doing crossfit.' Twilight blinked rapidly and tilted her head to the side.

'Cross-fit?' She inquired, getting out a fresh roll of parchment to take notes on whatever this new thing might be. 'What type of athletic discipline is that? Is it a competition?' It sounded interesting. Did they exercise tied to crosses? Perhaps cross-legged? Maybe they were just cross when they trained.

'Look Twi, there's a new gym at the edge of town. Go tomorrow. I might be there. It'll be cool, I promise.' With that, a rainbow streak blasted out the window of Twilight's palace, leaving her sitting on the floor with a storm of important research papers and book pages flying around all armaggedonical-y.

'Uh, Twilight?' Sounded the voice of a certain young dragon from the doorway.

'No time Spike, clean this up please. I need everything we have on "crossfit"'

• • •

'We have nothing on cross-fit...' Twilight was a bit crestfallen. Then she perked up immediately, like an obese pony who sees a cake after like, literally minutes of fasting. Her hooves were now beneath her on a standing position, the grin on her face similar to a Batmare villain's.

'That means I can document it! Spike, I'm going to the gym! I need my quill, ink, and some parchment!' She took the requested objects from Spike's grasp with her magic and ran towards the door like an excited Cutie Mark Crusader.

'I don't think—' the door slammed shut. 'you're gonna need... that.' Spike sighed and headed to the kitchen to snack on gems and hug his custom-made Rarity plushie. Maybe read a few comics. He had nothing else to do,after all. He never wished he did.

• • •

The perky purple princess stood in front of the ginormous gateway to the gymnasium. She had not noticed the building before, but it looked like a place of learning; it had spires and the quiet of concentration emanated from it. Its black walls and metal gate spoke of glory, the golden statues of muscular ponies, gryphons and dragons adorned the outside, giving it an air of eminence, like a grand university.

Then she pushed the door open.

Twilight almost dropped her ten-times-rearranged note-taking materials. The smell of stale sweat and energy drinks slapped her in the face like, well, the smell of stale sweat and energy drinks. The noise of iron smacking against iron and the grunts of effort sounded like a constipated manticore fighting an uncoordinated metal golem. Still she pressed on, looking for somepony who actually worked there.

In the corner sat a bored—and broad—receptionist who had most probably never done any physical activity outside pressing the button that granted members entry. The name tag on her uniform read 'Customer Service'.

'Welcome to Snowflake's Fitness Temple.' She said in a bored monotone, reading Cosmarepolitan Magazine's Top Ten Super-Tips To Look Thinner While Still Eating Industrial Quantities of Sugar!

'How can I help—' she looked up, 'Princess Twilight! What are you doing here? Can I get you something? Are you closing us down?! Please don't close us down! The steroid rumours are just rumours! I need the money for my daily cake!' She, like the ice cream ponies not in the gym ate, melted into a liquid mess. Of tears; clarification is important.

The alicorn stared wide-eyed for a while before regaining her composure. 'Um, hi. I would like to participate in your 'crossfit' class...'

'Oh...' Said the receptionist awkwardly, 'Yes, yes... There is one spot left in the next class, Princess. It's on the house, of course. It begins in two minutes. The training room down the hall to your left.'

'Thank you! And just Twilight is okay.' She trotted down the aforementioned hall, beginning to stress on the way to the class. What if she wasn't wearing the proper attire? What if it was crossfit protocol to arrive exactly in time, not early? What if it was a no-notes class? What if—

She was finally at the doorway. It looked over her like an ancient arthritic master who could smack very well with his cane. She opened the black gate, forcing the noticeable part of her nerves down her throat. The chamber it led to was also black. It was replete of strange contraptions of mysterious machinations and functions. One of the contraptions was a box with bars elevated and perpendicular to the ground, others were black spheres with handles attached to them. On a rack on the corner sat blue balls with numbers on them. Maybe their quantities were important to learn this strange discipline.

As the seconds passed, various people entered the chamber where Twilight was. A few gryphons and even a minotaur were in the small crowd. They all wore identical outfits with the gym's logo on the back of a training jacket. Every single one of the attendants had a shirt with phrases such as 'I ain't no quitter, I'm a crossfitter' and 'CROSSFIT is only for the STRONG'. Twilight began to stress. She knew she should have brought the right attire. She should have studied, even if the library had nothing on 'crossfit', she should've searched harder. She should have asked Rainbow for a shirt. She—Rainbow was not here... Twilight would make her write a friendship journal entry about lying to friends later.

All the attendants stood in a loose circle and stretched, chattering about things Twilight did not understand, like 'pre-workout' and 'finishers' and 'HIIT'. She scratched her notes upon the parchment as she listened. Nobody paid her any attention for long, or so it seemed, engaged as they were in their conversations. Apparently these people drank 'pre-workout' elixir to commune with the god 'Burne', to 'feel' him in their souls and muscles. To enter the maximum level of communion, they had to gain something called 'lean mass'. This trance could only be exited with a 'finisher' ritual. Twilight would have to develop that later into an academic paper.

The room fell into silence as thick as the muscles of most of the crossfitters. Heavy steps resonated as an immense figure clad in bulging fibres and veins walked in; he commanded respect, he represented power. His name was Snowflake.

Twilight had seen him around town and even talking to Rainbow Dash. As far as she knew he was part of the weather team. Apparently he also owned a gym. Sorry, fitness temple.

'YEAH!' He said. 'CROSSFIT!' Everyone cheered madly.

'Hey, chief Bulk.' 'Bulk'? Maybe it was some sort of ceremonial name? 'There's a newbie here today.' The gryphon that spoke up pointed at Twilight with one of his claws. She shrank back in a manner that rivalled Fluttershy.

'YEAH! NEWBIE!' Exclaimed Snowflake with the excitement of Pinkie Pie talking about 'cherrychangas'. Not a second later: 'TWILIGHT! DO YOU WANT TO JOIN THE ORDER OF CROSSFIT?' He asked, giving Twilight puppy dog eyes.

'Umm... Yes? I'm actually here because Rai—'

'YEAH! PREPARE THE INDUCTION!' Induction?

• • •

Twilight stood with her tail to the wall. In front of her the crossfitters were aligned as to form a living hallway with Snowflake at the end. They all had their hoods on as to cover the upper parts of their heads and faces. They all chanted in crossfitese. The element of magic wished she had her parchment and quill still with her; this was a most interesting language, even if it had strange words like 'buur'p'eeh' and 'rheps'. Perhaps it was related to Northern Zebrican?

The Magic torches along the path to Snowflake pulsated and changed colour as Twilight hesitantly walked down the hallway. The chanting continued until Twilight was standing almost nose to nose with Snowflake. It stopped. So did Twilight.

'I AM BROTHER BULK! I AM THE CHIEF OF THIS ORDER! WELCOME INITIATE! TO BE A MEMBER OF THE HONOURABLE ORDER OF CROSSFIT YOU MUST PASS THE TRIAL! BUT BEFORE, YOU MUST LEARN THE RULES!' Shouted Snowflake, now 'Brother Bulk', flexing his muscles and dripping sweat.

'Rules?!' Twilight was beginning to hyperventilate. No quill. No parchment. No material for proper academic and scientific documentation! 'Did I need something to write on?!'

'UM... NO! THERE'S A PRINTED VERSION YOU CAN PICK UP AT RECEPTION!' Brother Bulk said helpfully.

'Oh, okay.'

'RULES! YEAH!' He pumped his front left hoof into the air, 'THE FIRST RULE OF CROSSFIT IS ALWAYS TALK ABOUT CROSSFIT! THE SECOND RULE OF CROSFIT IS...'

• • •

'... AND RULE NUMBER FIVE-HUNDRED THREE IS ALWAYS HAVE A SPOTTER! QUESTIONS?' Twilight had been listening intently, intending to indeed pick up the printed version. This was important.

'Not really, but you mentioned a challenge?' She was curious as to what the challenge was, having learned very little from the rule list. What? It wasn't properly cited or in standard rule format...

'YEAH! CHALLENGE! AS YOUR I-NI-TI-A-TION,' he said, spelling out the word, 'YOU WILL DRINK PRE-WORKOUT MIX! YOU WILL ENDURE PRE-WORKOUT MIX! YOU WILL DRINK FROM THE SACRED BOTTLE!' Bulk made a sweeping motion with his hoof, pointing grandly behind him.

'"Pre-workout mix"?' She had heard the term in the crossfiters' conversations and from her BBBFF once or twice, but she had no idea what it signified. Was she supposed to commune with the gods 'Burne' and 'Rheps'?

Snowflake-slash-Brother-Bulk stepped aside gracefully, letting a pair of practitioners carrying a sports water bottle into Twilight's view. The bottle was beautiful; its gym logo was most intricate and glorious! The colours were just magnificent shades of white and gold. The bottle emitted a light like Celestia herself had blessed it with the magic of love and friendship while feeling particularly generous. They presented it to Twilight. She took it in her magic and opened it. The smell was... like liqueur mixed with chocolate, headache medicine, and sweat. Or like Celestia after the Gala clean-up.

'DRINK!' Shouted Snowflake in a somehow wisened manner.

The initiate alicorn brought the rim of the glorious bottle to her lips and drank deeply. It tasted of chocolate milk. No. It tasted of Discord's alcoholic chocolate milk, the one he liked to offer ponies at parties and then set on fire. Twilight hoped she would wake up from this one somewhere she actually recognised, though.

Then her senses exploded with the light of sun and stars and moon and the taste of the universe. She was the workout, the workout was her, they were the aether. She saw everything, heard everything, felt all her muscles tense and maybe even grow some. Millennia of crossfit, the secrets of the order and its history and culture flowed into her mind. The magic of crossfit was unto her, as she was unto crossfit. She then knew it: crossfit was the answer to all her problems. Little did she know that after this she would remember nothing of it, just the unshakable conviction all the crossfitters shared: the sacred conviction of 'YEAH! CROSSFIT!'

She blacked out.

• • •

Twilight woke up to the morning sun. Oh, Celestia's glorious sun! Twilight smiled. She remembered nothing of the day before but fuzz. At all. Her mind was blank like the Cutie Mark Crusaders' book reports. That was when she heard a glorious voice.

'Fear not, Princess Twilight! For We, Princess Luna, ruler of the night, have saved thee from the clutches of the cultists!' Boasted the midnight-coloured alicorn, her beautiful mane flowing magically on non-existent wind. A drunken-looking smile upon her face, 'They have most certainly been put in the royal dungeons, where they shall pay their penance forever and suffer the wrath of the law! We had much fun doing this!' She smiled, this time like a filly on Hearth's Warming. She posed epically.

The purple alicorn stared uncomprehendingly at Luna. She had no idea what the princess of the night was talking about. She tilted her head. Then the realisation dawned on her: Rainbow Dash had called her fat.

Author's Note

Thank you for reading.

A daft idea that wouldn't leave my mind. Originally, I didn't know which of the Mane 6 should try crossfit, but I settled on Twilight.

This is dedicated to those people at my gym that can't accept the fact that I didn't like crossfit. One day they shall realise other types of training exist. Or that ponies exist.