Bueno Excellente

by Thought Prism

Rating: teen
Tags: Crossover, Dark, Comedy
Length: 2781

Bulk Biceps somehow gets possessed by the Latino pornstar-turned-perversion-powered-superhero known only as Bueno Excellente. Who is now in a world where clothing is optional. Oh sweet mother of Celestia, who knows what he'll do?

Bulk Biceps somehow gets possessed by the Latino pornstar-turned-perversion-powered-superhero known only as Bueno Excellente. Who is now in a world where clothing is optional. Oh sweet mother of Celestia, who knows what he'll do?

Unspeakable things. He'll do unspeakable things.

[spoiler]Also includes a tragic backstory for Berry Punch.[/spoiler]

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-15 22:20:01 UTC

Let the horrors commence

Zecora was having a fine morning. Gazing outside her window, she saw the sun's rays filtering through the dark forest she called home, illuminating the dew with a surreal luster. Even the screeching acid-elbow koalas were being uncharacteristically quiet. Yes, this was going to be a lovely day.

Her breakfast of tubers finished, she sighed with contentment. A smile stretched across Zecora's face as she went to work on her latest potion. This particular brew had been requested by Roseluck the day before. She needed something potent to reduce her stress; chamomile tea alone was not enough.

She reached up with a hoof to pluck a sprig of ironbasil out of a bowl on the shelf. The zebra dropped it deftly into a small cauldron, filled with a mixture left to cool overnight. As the herb met the murky liquid inside, it released a puff of orange smoke. The next step required the addition of common maple twigs, but just as she was about to shift over to the other side of her abode to retrieve them, she heard a knock on the door.

"At this hour, who could that be? Now I simply have got to see," she wondered aloud.

Arriving at the wooden door, Zecora pulled it open, revealing a white stallion whom she had seen a few times around Ponyville before. She had never spoken with him, but the bright red eyes, bulging muscles, and undersized wings were easily recognizable, even with the tan trenchcoat draped over his shoulders.

Something was... strange about the way he held himself, but Zecora was not one to judge by appearances.

"Greetings, sir, I don't believe we've met. My reputation, it seems, precedes me yet. You are here for my wares, I presume. A potion for somepony to consume."

The looming stallion smiled, showing off his yellowing teeth. He simply replied "Si, si."

"Am I right to trust my ears? You speak esponyol, it appears. Please, no need to linger outside in to cold. Come in, come in, let your request of me be told."

Still smiling, the huge stallion nodded and stepped slowly inside the tree hut. Zecora turned around to observe as he slowly panned his head around the room, looking for something in particular. Sweat was forming visibly on his fur.

Zecora was used to ponies being nervous alone in her residence; she was still a zebra, after all.  Or maybe they were all just worried about being in the middle of the Everfree. Either was understandable. No amount of intervention from her friends could remove the natural discomforts of everypony in Equestria.

Having found what he was looking for, the visiting pegasus pointed a hoof at a small glass bottle filled with green liquid.

She let out an 'ah' of recognition. "Why, that's stamina potion, the old standby. Always good to drink before a long run or fly."

Passing the stallion, Zecora trotted over to pluck the bottle from its perch. However, just as she was about to reach for the potion, she felt something wet sliding up one of her hind legs.

Whipping her head around, what she saw caused her brain to temporarily suspend all processes. Clearly, the white stallion was not nervous in the least. He was actually licking her. Eyes trained on hers, his drooling tongue, pushed through upturned lips, ever so slowly moved past her shin and onto her thigh.

"What the hay?" she exclaimed. "Stop that now, if you may!"

Words unheeded, his expression did not change in the least as his muzzle inched towards her plot.

Disgusted and outraged by the impossibly bold lunatic in her house, she hopped away, preparing to buck him as hard as she could. However, he beat her to the punch, literally, as he dived at her face, hooves first. Zecora nearly felt the stiff blow to her temple before she even saw it coming.

He legs wobbled as she collapsed to the floor, consciousness fading. She tried to scream, but all the came out was a muffled groan. The last thing she saw before her eyes forced themselves closed was the deranged stallion, looming over her. The last thing she heard was "Excellente."

*  *  *

Her long day of school over with, Twist skipped merrily down the street, heading towards her home. She was alone, as she often was, but didn't mind much. She had her family, Ms. Cheerilee, and her candy. What wasn't to love?

So, when the tantalizing smell of sweet confectionaries blossomed in her nostrils, Twist became positively bubbly.

Pausing to investigate, she realized that the aroma couldn't be coming from Sugarcube Corner, nor Bon Bon's shop. Neither were between her home and the schoolhouse.

Her suspicions were confirmed as she noticed a large, white wagon parked on the side of the road, a smiling stallion waving to her through an open window on the side.

Having no second thoughts whatsoever, Twist galloped over to him. "Hey there mithter! Are you thelling candy?"

The pegasus blinked his red eyes twice. "Heh heh heh," he laughed with a deep voice, nodding. Then, he gestured to the interior of the wagon, which held a large gumball machine, filled to the brim with multicolored orbs of sugary delight. Other boxes containing who-knows-what were piled around it.

Then, the stallion turned and moved out of view. Twist heard the creaking of improperly lubricated hinges from the rear of the wagon.

Cantering over to investigate, Twist saw that he was now grinning ear to ear as he beckoned her inside with a hoof. She pranced up and down gleefully at the sight, bounding inside with anticipation. Once she was clear, he reached his hooves over her frizzy-maned head to shut the door behind her.

"Tho? Watcha got back here? I've had lotth of different candieth, you got anything I might not have tried before?"

"Excellente," he replied, staring down at her.

Figuring that was the name of the exotic treat, Twist simple waited with barely contained impatience as the muscular pegasus rifled around in one of the boxes, returning with a small, white candy in his hoof. He held it out to her, licking his lips.

"It'th that good, huh? Thankth!"

She snatched the thing up and plopped in into her mouth, chewing and sucking rapidly. "Wait a minute!" she blurted, "This ithn't thwee--"

However, before Twist could finish her complaint about the utter lack of flavor, she found herself to be suddenly very tired. Giving in to the feeling, she immediately fell asleep, still standing in the candy wagon.

*  *  *

Berry Punch had had enough. With all the other Earth ponies around town, peddling her grapes and spirits was difficult, mind-numbing work, rife with false smiles and shameless promotion. She was a Las Pegasus mare, born and raised, and wasn't really cut out for this sort of life. She lacked the inherent optimism found in the natives' hearts.

And so, she could only sigh with apprehension as she trotted along in silence towards the town's sole bar, recalling wild, carefree nights long past. No matter how hard she tried, she just wasn't the same inside, much to Pinkie's chagrin.

Arriving at her destination, she pushed open the wooden double doors with a hoof, retreating from Luna's light and into the confines of the Den of Ill Repute.

Sullen-looking mares and stallions sat on low stools, mugs and bottles in hoof as they drank away their troubles. Berry knew many of them by now, but most weren't the type for conversation.

However, one pony, currently sitting at the bar, stuck out to her. She decided to sit next to him.

"Hello. Bulk, right?" she asked.

The rippling muscles on his neck contracted, bringing a sweat-laden face around. He paused, as if figuring out what to say. "Si." he replied.

"Huh. I was expecting a YEAH. Decided to change it up a bit?"

"Si."

Berry shrugged. Then, addressing the barkeep, a tan mare with a forest green mane, she said "Decent, my usual please."

The bar owner's daughter rolled her eyes as she reached for a bottle of Germane beer, popped the cap, and slid it over the waxed counter into Berry's waiting hoof.

She immediately grabbed the neck of the bottle with her lips and guzzled down the whole thing in one breath. Placing the now empty container back onto the counter, she made a 'puah' sound.

Bulk gazed at her skeptically.

Berry smiled. "Oh, don't you gimmie that look. This stuff makes me feel better, so I drink it. Often. No shame in that, right?"

"Si, si."

"Finally, somepony who gets it! Barkeep, get this stallion a drink! And, like, four more for me while you're at it."

More bottles clattered onto the countertop. Additional gulping noises could be heard soon after.

Berry burped loudly, and then wrapped a hoof around Bulk, or at least as much as she was able. Dude was jacked.

"Like, seriously," she continued, "Everypony just thinks I'm some pathetic, irresponsible drunk. But that's totally not true! Well, the irresponsible part, anyway." She paused, diving into her third beer. Once the mare had finished, she leaned in even closer to Bulk. "Say, you wanna know why I'm even here in the first place?"

The pegasus in question was sweating profusely, and carried an enthusiastic grin to go with his half-finished beverage. He nodded, head inching closer to hers.

Berry spoke at a lower tone now, a solemn look in her eyes. "My foal happened. I didn't want her to grow up like I did. Here, she's safe and happy, among friends. I do what I can for her, but it isn't easy, since I never had an example to follow. And a mare's gotta cope, you know? All things considered, there are worse things I could be doing, right?"

He nodded again, straight faced. After glancing left and right nervously, he shed a single tear.

Berry stared, smiling. That was all she needed to see. She leaned in all the way, and planted a kiss on his lips. It was returned with unexpected expertise and enthusiasm.

Smiling once more, Berry had no objections as Bulk ushered her out of the bar, dropping some bits as he went.

He led her through the quiet town without another word, as none were needed.

They arrived at a nondescript-looking white house near the edge of town, matching wagon parked in front. Ascending a flight of stairs by candlelight, the pair entered Bulk's bedroom. As Berry slipped elegantly onto the bed, Bulk reached down into the closet. He spun around, a set of thick, black straps in his hoofs and a malicious grin on his face.

"Ooo, kinky."

*  *  *

Twist woke with a start, eager to begin the day. That is, until she remembered not remembering the end of her last one. Confused, her eyes shot open, scanning her surroundings. Or, at least, she tried to. It was pitch black.

Getting to her hooves, noticing the distinctly un-bed-like stiffness of her resting place, Twist attempted to feel around for a doorknob. This too was thwarted: something tugged at her neck, stiffening with a metallic rattling sound.

"Hello? Anypony there?" she asked.

In response to her question, something stirred to her left, and she reflexively craned her head around to listen.

"Why, is that a filly I hear? Trapped in darkness, with me, right here?" It was a mare with a strange accent.

Twist blinked a few times. "Yeth, that theems right mithh. Do you know where we are? Can you help me?"

She sighed. "Recently, I was attacked by a foul stallion of bright white. It really gave me quite the fright. I think I was also abducted as well. This situation is certainly not swell."

Twist mulled this over for a bit. Something about what was just said seemed familiar. "Oh, right!" she exclaimed in realization. "I wath trottin' home when I thaw thith nice pegathuth who had candy! I thaid hello, he gave me thome, then I ate it and fell athleep. Maybe it wath the thame guy?"

While not currently visible, the resulting 'seriously?' expression on the mare's face was worth mentioning. "Didn't your parents tell you not to take candy from a stranger? In doing so, there can be much danger."

She giggled. "Yeah, but candy'th thuper yummy! And it'th my thpecial talent! How could I rethitht?"

"Because it would lead to you being foalnapped? Now, we're both trapped."

"Huh, I guethh I did get foalnapped," Twist confirmed. Then, she paused. Upon finally realizing the true gravity of the situation, she begins screaming quite loudly.

Zecora (it's fairly obvious at this point) raised the volume of her voice to be heard over the filly. "I tried that already, to no avail. Your attempts to summon aid will surely fail."

Hearing this, Twist's screams die out, replaced by the soft sound of sniffles.

Unable to form the right words to console the filly given the situation, Zecora lowers her head, twiddling her hooves.

After what felt like an eternity had passed, the two hear a door slam open. Another female voice speaks up. "Put me down! What's wrong with the bed? Where are yo--"

Suddenly, light fills the room. All the ponies squint as their eyes adjust to the change.

There, standing at the base of a staircase, was Bulk Biceps. The wooden doorframe he occupied was flanked by two lit torches on either side, mounted to a wall of patchwork stone. The orange glow flickers across the body of the mare draped over his back. Her legs are bound to her body with black straps.

Shaking, Twist looks around, starting with herself. She's chained to the wall by her neck, which has a steel collar wrapped around it. Her body is inexplicably clothed in what appears to be a navy blue swimsuit. The mare she had been speaking with earlier, Zecora, had a strange black-and-white-striped appearance. Her head and forehooves were clamped inside what looked like a vertical wooden board, affixed to the dirt floor, while her hind legs were covered by bright red stockings.

As Bulk trots slowly to the center of the room, the zebra speaks up. "Berry Punch, is that you? Please say it isn't true."

Berry returned her gaze. "Zecora? From the wedding?" she asks. However, before she has a chance to reply, Berry notices the presence of a filly in the room. As well as their current predicaments. By the time Bulk elects to dump her onto the floor, she's spouting various combinations of every known curse word in their language while glaring daggers at him.

In retaliation, the pegasus slowly leans his head closer to Berry's, a grin forming in the process. With uncanny accuracy, she spits in his eye.

However, he doesn't even blink, allowing the fluid to slowly roll off of his cornea. All traces of rage vanish from Berry's face as his deep methodical laughter echoes off the walls.

Twist, Berry, and Zecora can only stare as Bulk walks past multiple strange furnishings to reach a shelf. He deftly nabs a glass bottle, rips the cork off with his teeth, and downs its contents in one gulp.

Her train of thought careening into oblivion, all customs abandoned, Zecora's eyes widen in horror at the spectacle. "Oh, Faust, no. Don't do this!"

"What'th he doing?" asks Twist innocently. "He hathn't hurt uth yet."

Berry, having already inferred the probable outcome of the situation, takes the time to fearfully explain to Twist what exactly Bulk is going to do to them.

Twist immediately wets herself in abject terror.

While Berry was talking, Bulk had moved back in front of her. He just stood there, holding a flower in his hoof. At this point, Zecora was stammering incoherently and shaking against the pillory. Her gaze was directed at the flower, a curious pink blossom with small hearts dangling from underneath. Once all three captive ponies had tilted shaky heads to look, Bulk popped the plant into his mouth, chewed methodically, and swallowed.

Suddenly, a massive, tube-shaped thing burst forth from between his legs. It was at least twice the largest size that should have been possible, and it throbbed periodically.

Berry's pupils shrank to pinpricks, followed shortly after by the others.

Sweat was rolling off of Bulk's face in beads. He licked his grimy teeth, a wicked grin contorting his already menacing features. His crimson gaze was practically penetrating the mares all by itself. Shadows from the flames danced ominously across his face. The result was an image so terrible to behold that it would have given Discord nightmares.

Then, he spoke.

"Bueno."