By the Great Gaseous Goblins of Gandersnatch!
This Insanity is brought to you by Unicorn Applebees. Unicorn Applebees, where appetizers are half off during Happy Hour.
“What did this?”
Twilight Sparkle barely heard Rarity’s question as she stared in horror at the charred landscape around her. The grasslands to the east of Ponyville were nothing more than ashes now. “I think I know.”
Rainbow Dash, hovering overhead, swallowed the lump of fear in her throat. “Care to fill us in?”
Twilight lifted a hoof and examined the soot that remained on the appendage. “The beast is called an Ember Mauler. It’s a huge lion-like creature with a mane of flames and two flaming tails. It has one purpose and one purpose alone.”
“Which is?” Applejack reminded the others of her presence.
“Destruction. Complete and utter destruction.”
Pinkie Pie pouted as the ruined field. “We have to stop it. Before it hurts anypony else.” Her words were dull, almost like she was bored.
Twilight shook her head. “I’ve only read of one successful Ember Mauler defeat… and I even only heard about that while I explored other worlds with the mirror.”
“Could we bring the ones who beat it before here?” Fluttershy was also there. “Maybe they could help us.”
A weary smile tugged at Twilight’s lips. “We may not have to… because I think one of those great heroes retired to our world.” She turned to her friends. “Saddle up, girls. I’ll teleport us there.”
The assembled ponies crowded around the purple princess. “Is this fella anyone we might’ve met?” Applejack tugged her hat tighter to her head.
Despite the grave circumstances, Twilight actually chuckled. “Believe me, AJ; you’d remember this guy if we’d met him before.”
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The assembled mares stood at the threshold of a great castle formed of earthbound clouds standing on the boundary of the Everfree Forest.
“Uh… how long has this been here?” Spike asked, reminding everyone of his presence.
“You can only see it if you’re looking for it.” Twilight answered as she pondered exactly how one was supposed to knock on a door made of water vapor.
“Doesn’t really answer my question…” the dragon muttered.
The door suddenly evaporated before their very eyes. Standing in the arch was a tall, stately unicorn. The stallion was maybe an inch or two taller than Princess Celestia, his coat and mane a stark white. A golden horn spiraled from his forehead. He regarded them with laughing eyes. “Greetings, hail, and salutations, says I!”
As the others tried to process his appearance, Twilight offered a slight bow. “Greetings to you as well, sir. I trust we are well met?”
“Well met indeed, Princess Twilight Sparkle.”
“Uh…” Applejack raised a hoof. “Who is this, exactly?”
“His name is Tylenol With Codeine.” Pinkie Pie really looked bored now. “He’s from a different world, is prone to spraying urine in a magical protective circle, and is possibly homosexual.”
“Uh, excuse me.” Tylenol raised a hoof. “Not gay am I… but case not I make for it.”
Spike appraised the mighty unicorn. “Why do you talk so weird?”
Tylenol snorted dismissively. “Stop talking, small lizard-like creature.”
“Rude…”
“This land is threatened by a beast unlike any we have ever faced. It is a creature that you yourself have faced in the past… the Ember Mauler.”
Tylenol did a double take. “The fuck thou say?! The Ember Mauler? Here? In this beautiful land of sunshine, rainbows, and the twinkling dreams of children?”
“So… you have battled it before?” Fluttershy whispered, cowering before the stallion’s height.
“Indeed. Battled and defeated. ‘Twas the first time I met my beloved allies; the wizard Sharpie Buttsalot, the elflet Mulraine Sadana, and the barbarian g-nomee Quark Pffft. It was a pitched battle indeed, but when the dust settled the beast lay slain-ed.”
“If it was slain, then however did it arrive here?” Rarity asked, quite taken with Tylenol despite herself.
“That is the question, isn’t it my fellow oo-nicorn?” Tylenol sighed and tossed his luxurious mane back over his shoulder. “In any case, I will help you defeat the creature once again.”
Twilight exhaled in relief. She spread her wings and stood tall. “Thank you, Tylenol. Come closer, and I’ll teleport us directly to the beast.”
“No need. Skip, skip, and prance and here we are!”
Sure enough, the assembled ponies (and dragon) were suddenly miles away. The land around them was scorched and black. Ahead of them stood the great feline, his back towards them.
“Uh… how did we…?”
“Don’t bother asking questions, Applejack.” Pinkie Pie yawned. “This’ll be over in a thousand words or so.”
“And why in thunderation do you keep talking like that?!” Applejack rounded on the pink mare. “I mean seriously; you act wall-breaky and random all the time, but this is getting ridiculous!”
“Wait, I have an idea!” Rainbow Dash flew up to Tylenol’s eye level and glared at him. “This only started happening when we got around this fruity speaking stallion!” Her words were loud and accusatory, unmindful of the fiery lion creature mere feet away.
“Fruitily I speaketh?” Tylenol returned the mare’s glare with equal ferocity. “Thou art a basket-ful of raspberries thyself!”
“What did you just say to me, you son of a…”
The characterization-shattering swear was drowned out by a roar that was accompanied by a blast of heat so intense it singed the tips of Rainbow Dash’s tail.
“Sweet fuckin’ Maria…” Tylenol muttered, looking past the Pegasus.
The Ember Mauler, attracted by Dash’s yelling, had rounded on the group and was galloping towards them, bellowing a challenge. The flames that formed its mane blazed and sparked with hideous light.
“What do we do?!” Rarity shrieked.
“Dost thou wish to bone out?” Tylenol braced himself to attack. “Or dost thou wish to grow a pair?”
“You know what, big guy? Have at him.” Applejack looked to Twilight and nodded her head at some conveniently placed boulders. “I vote that we hide behind those rocks over there.”
“Uh, I think he’s about to breathe fire.” Spike tried to inform the group.
“You would cower, young mare? You would hide yourself in the face of great danger? What kind of pansy art thou?”
“That’s it. I’m out.” Applejack started towards the boulders and held a hoof up in the air.
“He’s inhaling!” Spike bolted past Applejack for cover.
“Why are you holding your hoof up like that?” Twilight asked.
“I DON’T KNOW!”
Pinkie Pie munched popcorn slowly, waiting for the pointless adventure to be over so she could return to happier pursuits. Baking and shit, I dunno. “You’re trying to give him the finger.”
“WHAT THE HELL’S A FING… Y’KNOW WHAT? BUCK IT!” The farmer settled behind a boulder and glared at the ground. “I DON’T CARE!”
“Did Spike say something about fireAHHHHHHHHH!” Fluttershy screamed as the Ember Mauler’s flames crashed into her head on. Her face took the worst of it, and she fell to the ground, writhing in agony.
“FLUTTERSHY!” Dash cried in anger and sorrow. She rounded on the fiery feline and charged at it. She clashed with it, dodging its flaming claws and landing stiff body blows.
“There’s an almost sexual ecstasy in her fighting.” Tylenol marveled. “Like she’s fighting to avenge one she loves.”
“Called it!” Applejack yelled from behind the boulder. There was the distant sound of a hoof and claw meeting in a high five.
Twilight and Rarity went to the terribly burned Fluttershy’s side. “What can we do?” Rarity sobbed. “Twilight, can’t you do anything?”
Twilight shook her head. “My healing magic only goes as far as splinters.”
“I have the power to heal moderate wounds.”
The two mares stared at Tylenol in silence.
Pinkie Pie checked the word count, sighed heavily, and queued up the next episode of Ducktales on her tablet.
Tylenol looked away awkwardly. “Would that be appropriate at this juncture?”
“YES!” Came the united reply.
“Very well then.” Tylenol approached and examined Fluttershy’s horridly burned face. Her screams had faded into quiet mewls now. “Worry not, friend Fluttershy. I will lay my healing powers upon thee so that you will know the mystical healing power of the oo-nicorn.”
“It’s pronounced unicorn.” Twilight’s inner student forced her to reply.
“No thank you, I had lunch already.” Tylenol spun and his tail tickled what remained of Fluttershy’s snout. “Your face I shall sit upon and let my juices flow, and thus shall you be repair-ed.”
Fluttershy stopped whining and stared straight ahead in horror at the giant white ass above her. “Actually, um, I’m feeling much better already.”
“Nonsense. I haven’t healed you yet.”
“Uh… how does this magic work?” Every passing moment was making Twilight regret having this idea in the first place.
“Quite simple, really. My white flanks shall issue their healing serum upon your friend’s visage and the Ember Mauler’s damage shall be undone.”
“Really. This isn’t necessary. I’m sure the damage isn’t that terrible.” Ignoring the searing pain from her burns, Fluttershy began to crawl towards the boulders. “I think I’ll just join Applejack and Spike and AAAAAAAAH!” She only had time to scream once before the stallion’s gigantic posterior lowered itself onto her face. Her entire world became an endless field of white. She tried to scream again, but the only sound was a muffled cry for help.
“How’s everythin’ goin’ out he…?” Applejack poked her head out from cover, but cut her reply short when she saw the scene playing out.
Another muffled scream for help came from beneath Tylenol with Codeine.
“I am sitting on your face as fast as I can!”
“Huh.” Applejack pulled the hat from her head and looked at it as though truly seeing it for the first time. Was it real leather, she wondered? Real leather made from the skin of a cow, like those she corralled on Sweet Apple Acres? Weren’t the cows as sentient as anypony in Equestria? What made them lower citizens, deserving of being kept outside in fences while almost every other species got the luxuries of gas ovens and indoor plumbing?
And what part of a cow had her hat come from?
All this time, had she, much like Fluttershy was doing now, been wearing an ass an on her head?
Slowly, she returned to her shelter behind the rocks.
Rarity and Twilight Sparkle had joined Rainbow Dash in their battle against the Ember Mauler. The two fliers buzzed around his great head like Technicolor bees while Rarity blasted at every part of it she could with magic from her horn. Not bothering to coordinate their attacks, Dash and Twilight collided head on and in their knocked-silly state did not notice the incoming blast from Rarity. They smashed to the ground, borne by the concussive force of the fashionista’s fabulous firepower.
Rarity offered the advancing monster an uneasy grin as it started towards her. “You know, I rather like cats…”
“A fuck of cluster this be.” Tylenol face-hoofed and shook his head.
Fluttershy made a noise of agreement.
Pinkie Pie sighed as her tablet’s battery finally gave out. She turned to the unicorn. “Look, we’re running long here. AJ’s little breakdown went too many words… just…. Let’s just wrap this up, okay?”
“I don’t catch your meaning.”
“Just stab it with your horn.” Pinkie checked the watch on her wrist. Her hoof wrist. Do hooves have wrists? Fuck it. She checked her watch. “We have, like, ten more fics to do today.”
Tylenol sighed and nodded sadly. “Very well then.” He stood and stretched his muscles.
Fluttershy, miraculously healed, took a deep breath that was now free of the strangely vanilla scented ass of Tylenol With Codeine.
“Alright girls.” Tylenol braced himself and pointed his horn dangerously at the beast that was now batting Rarity around in the air like a catnip toy. “Watch me fuckin’ work.”
Time seemed to stand still as the mighty Tylenol With Codeine charged across the burned field.
The Ember Mauler had just enough time to see the majestic creature approaching it to have a single thought;
Balls. Not again.
With a mighty ZORCH, Tylenol’s horn pierced the Ember Mauler’s heart. The monster roared once and exploded. The world was engulfed in a blinding white light…
…and when it faded, all was back to normal.
The ponies looked around in wonder at the now once again lushly green field. Birds sang and rabbits played. All was once again right in the world.
Rainbow Dash was the first to approach Tylenol. “Hey. I’m sorry about what I said back there. True, you’re kinda irritating, but you’re also kinda cool. Friends?”
The stallion smiled down at her. “My little pony, fret not. Two things beat within this lithe, beautiful, desirable body of mine; a member, wild and strong (Rarity fainted at this point from swooning too hard), and a heart that forgivest all. Indeed, we are friends. All of us.”
The ponies, the huge large unicorn, and even the dragon all shared a hug. It was a tender, touching moment despite the fact that Rarity was unconscious, Applejack was still staring at her hat, Pinkie Pie kept cutting eyes at her watch, Fluttershy desperately tried to avoid eye contact with everypony, and Twilight wondering exactly why she’d thought contacting Codeine was a good idea in the first place.
“Well then, I suppose it’s time for me to go.”
“Go? Do you have to?” Spike wondered if he could possibly coat his words in more sarcasm.
“Indeed. Fuck off I must, as the Ember Mauler will undoubtedly be off to terrify some other world and I am the only one with the power to undo him. So to you, my new friends, I do say so long, farewell, and good-bye. Until we meet again!” He leapt into the air and flew away into the clouds above, propelled by a rainbow that emerged from beneath his tail.
“Think we’ll ever see him again?” Dash asked.
“God I hope not.” Twilight muttered. “Whose bright idea was it to contact him in the first place?”
Twilight’s words finally pierced Applejack’s thoughts. She took the Stetson still in her hoof, reared back, and smacked the Princess of Friendship in the back of the head with it as hard she could.
Then she did it again.
And again.
As Applejack layeth the leather smacketh down on Twilight’s head, Fluttershy sighed heavily and looked at Pinkie Pie. “Can we go home now?”
“Almost. We just have to wait for the song.”
Fluttershy cocked her head. “What so
Author's Note
