Life of the Dead

by Hedzentails

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Dark, Alternate Universe, Human, Main 6, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 7940

Sam is bored one day. Before anything else that’s boring can happen, he gets murdered by lightning. BUT HE WAS NOT REALLY DEAD. Because that lightning was magical for some reason, he goes to Equestria. But he is a zombie now.

Sam is bored one day. Before anything else that’s boring can happen, he gets murdered by lightning.
BUT HE WAS NOT REALLY DEAD.
Because that lightning was magical for some reason, he goes to Equestria.
But he is a zombie now.
-=-=-=-=-
Teen for death and zombies and probably some eating of flesh.

Published 2015-06-23 15:30:03 UTC
Last updated 2015-06-27 10:51:17 UTC

Chapter One: Pink Lightning

Today had been a very boring day.

Nothing productive had happened at all, everything non-productive hadn’t been entertaining enough, and no stuff had exploded.

That was all Sam could think about as he wandered home. He was wandering because his mind was wandering onto subjects of great stupidity and whatnot. So he wasn’t actually thinking of just how boring today had been, he was actually thinking of stupid stuff too.

As he wandered along the street, he noticed that his clothes, hair and pretty much everything else were suddenly getting wet. Soaked, in fact. As he took one earphone out of his ear, a loud boom of thunder suddenly rumbled, making him jump and yelp in fear.

Thunder was scary.

And with thunder came lightning, which was even scarier because lightning could zap you to death faster than you could say something witty about it.

Deciding that it would be a better idea to put his earphone back in and blare music as loud as possible, he did exactly that. Deafness could be worried about later. Right now, thunder and lightning were more worrying than becoming deaf because they were scarier than a giant spider with a shotgun, and that was super scary.

He shuddered thinking about all of them. While a giant spider carrying a shotgun would be terrifying and possibly murderous in many different ways, thunder and lightning had killed so many people for definite before, and that meant it must be more dangerous.

He’d never even heard of someone getting murdered by a giant spider with a shotgun.

He picked up the pace a little, zipping up his jacket to keep himself warm. Home wasn’t too far away now, so he would be there in five minutes tops. Why hadn’t he just called his parents and asked them to pick him up from town?

A flash of bright pink lightning in the distance made him squeal and cover his head with his hands. He started to run home, a very dangerous thing to do on slippery surfaces, which the floor was right now. Some risks had to be taken for the greater good though.

Wait… Bright pink lightning? That couldn’t be right.

While it had the potential to be pink at certain times, the right circumstances were not met for it to be pink right now. He had googled it one time to learn more about his phobia of it.

Pushing that thought of strange and probably mystical lightning to the back of his mind, he hurried on. Home was safety and safety was absolutely required right now.

But that risk he had taken proved to be a wrong choice to make.

He slipped up on a slippery drain cover and fell to the ground, landing with a splash in the puddle that hid the drain cover.

As he groaned from the pain in his back, he suddenly became aware of a strange scent in the air. It smelled like chocolate ice cream for some reason, but there was no ice cream anywhere nearby! What could it mean?

Then there was a blinding flash of bright pink and he felt a sudden electric shock all through his body.

Then everything went black and he went numb.

What the heck just happened?

-=-=-=-=-

Twilight Sparkle was not a happy bunny.

Mainly because she wasn’t a bunny, but that was beside the point.

“My dear Twilight,” Spike said, repeating what he had said earlier for some reason. “There is more to a young pony’s life than studying! So I’m sending you to supervise the preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration in this year’s location: Ponyville! And I have an even more important task for you to complete: make some friends!”

She sighed and looked down dejectedly. Spike didn’t seem fazed at all. He seemed like he was having fun torturing her with that stupid letter he had read to her earlier.

Honestly, who wants to make friends when the fate of all Equestria is at risk?

“Look on the bright side, Twilight!” Spike continued happily. “The princess arranged for you to stay in a library! Doesn’t that make you happy?”

“Yes,” said Twilight, standing up straight in the chariot that had no back. Seriously, that was a major health risk in a flying chariot. Who the heck designed these things? “Yes, it does. You know why?” she asked smugly. “Because I’m right! I’ll check on the preparations as fast as I can, then get to the library to find some proof of Nightmare Moon’s return.”

Spike looked like he was about to say something, but before he could, the chariot was struck by bright pink lightning. That wasn’t really surprising, considering that it was made of metal and the guards were wearing metal too.

But there wasn’t even a raincloud in the sky so where did it come from?

As she was wondering where the heck that bolt of lightning came from and why it was pink, Twilight was suddenly hit in the face by a corpse of something she’d never even seen before. It was kinda like a minotaur but with a flatter face and less horns. And it had no fur, so it looked like an ugly, hairless monkey. Why she picked monkey to describe it, she had no idea.

Wait, why was she thinking about this when she had been knocked off the chariot and was falling to her death?

Screaming seemed like a better option.

So she screamed very loudly.

Luckily, the guards pulling the chariot were trained for this kind of thing and one of them caught her before she turned into a purple pancake on the ground while the other one used his muscles of steel to keep the chariot moving.

“Sorry about that, miss,” said the guard, flapping down to the ground. “We should’ve taken evasive manoeuvres to avoid that dead thing falling out of the sky.”

“You bet your butt you should have!” Twilight shouted at him. “I nearly died! Aren’t you guys supposed to be trained to avoid debris hurled at you?”

“Yeah, we did something to do with that at one point,” he said simply, nodding in agreement. “We were just recovering from that lightning strike and the mysterious, dark feeling it brought with it.”

Oh, so that’s what that feeling was.

“Who even drops a corpse on moving transport?” she asked. “Does Ponyville have its own criminal organisation or something?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Did you see where that corpse landed anyway? I need to study it for science because I’ve never even seen one of those things in Equestria before. Maybe I’ll get to dissect it before it decomposes completely.”

“You’re a sick, twisted individual, miss,” the guard said bluntly before turning to lead the way to something. “Follow me though. I know where it is.”

Maybe something good was going to come out of this trip after all!

Nah, something would’ve come out of it anyway. She was going to find proof of Nightmare Moon’s return to give to Princess Celestia!

She followed the guard to where he’d seen that corpse land excitedly. Dissecting stuff was exciting! Especially a new species! She liked dissecting stuff. Last time, she’d dissected a dead rat and that was no fun at all, but she had a good feeling about this one!

“There’s your corpse, you monster,” said the guard, pointing at a heap of clothes on the floor in front of them. “Would you like help carrying it to your evil lab?”

“Yes please, sir,” she replied with a smug nod. “And make sure you don’t damage it at all! I want it in as good condition as I can get!”

“I’ll need to go get my guard buddy and the chariot so we can lift it because I can’t lift stuff on my own apparently.”

“Ugh, fine! Go get your buddy and your health hazard!” She looked down at the corpse. “I guess I’ll be fine waiting for you with this dead thing. It’s not like there’s anything here that could hurt me.”

“Try not to die then. It’s bad for our record and reputation.”

The guard turned and marched away from Twilight, leaving her alone with the corpse of the thing that no one had ever seen before ever. This was like a whole new level of discovery! Yeah, rocks and trees being discovered for the first time was cool and all, but this was an actual species discovery! It was like going to the cupboard for some peanut butter and finding out you still had some ice cream left!

Although you’d have to be a diabolical menace to put ice cream in a cupboard instead of a freezer but that wasn’t the point!

She looked down at the corpse and rolled it over to see what it looked like. Surprisingly, it hadn’t suffered much damage at all from falling that far. Maybe this race was immune to fall damage!

What other things about this thing could she figure out? Well, for starters, they seemed to be carnivorous judging by all the really really sharp teeth she could see through the hole in its face that looked like it shouldn’t be there if the charred area around it was anything to go by. That could be a problem if this species decided to invade all Equestria one day; there was only a finite amount of meat products in Equestria that wasn’t actual ponies.

The other races of Equestria too, but mainly ponies.

Hold on, why was that corpse moving now? That shouldn’t be happening. It was supposed to be dead. Dead stuff couldn’t move! Then why was it blinking? Deciding that this was a matter that needed to be addressed, Twilight started speaking to it.

“Uh… hello?” she greeted, looking down at its face. Maybe it wasn’t really dead at all and it was just a cunning ruse. “Are you alive? You seem like you’re alive.”

“Ow,” said the ‘corpse’. It looked up at Twilight. “Oh, hi Twilight. Am I dead? I feel as if I should be dead. Is this the afterlife?”

Curses! It was alive! Now Twilight couldn’t legally dissect it without paying oodles of cash to a hospital to use their operating room and surgical equipment! She wasn’t even sure that was legal!

“It seems to me that you are alive, mysterious thing,” she replied dejectedly, frowning at the denial of a real treat. “Let me just check your pulse to make sure. You guys have a pulse when you’re alive, right?”

“Last I checked, we did.”

Twilight leaned down to put a hoof against its neck to check for a pulse. After a minute of absolutely no pulse whatsoever, she frowned and moved over to put an ear to its chest. Before she did, she looked up at it to ask another question.

“You guys have hearts in your chest, right?” she asked.

“Of course we do. What happened to your wings?”

Maybe it was delirious.

She listened to where its heart was for a minute, but there was still no sound of a pulse. Had it been lying just to make her look stupid? Because she wasn’t stupid! She was super smart according to Princess Celestia and Princess Celestia never lied about stuff!

Well, that’s what Princess Celestia always said anyway.

“I’m hungry,” said the not-dead thing. “Can I have some ice cream? I feel like ice cream right now.”

“How can you feel like ice cream?” Twilight asked. “You don’t even know what it feels like to be ice cream! Wait, can your kind turn into ice cream?” Another ingenious plan came to her. “Can you do that now? I haven’t had ice cream in a while.”

“I meant I feel like having some ice cream, you stupid.” It sat up and rubbed its face. When it got to that teeth hole with scorch marks around it, it stopped and frowned. “When did that get there?” It poked its teeth through the hole. “Whoa, when did my teeth turn into sharp things?!”

“I assumed they were always sharp. Weren’t they always sharp? Oh yeah, please don’t eat me.”

“Why not? If I wanna eat someone, I can eat ‘em. I don’t know why that would even be a good idea, I just felt like making that statement.”

“Well I read somewhere that if stuff comes back to life then it could be a flesh devouring zombie or something. You’re not one of those, are you?”

“I don’t know. I feel like I should be dead and I am kinda getting hungrier now.” He licked his lips, not an easy feat to do with those sharp teeth. “Actually, I might be. Don’t shoot me in the head please. I kinda like being alive. Or, you know, undead.”

That guard was taking his time, Twilight noticed. Maybe he was in on this and it was all some kind of prank to make her look less super smart. She gave the potential zombie a cold and accusing glare.

“Is this a prank to make me look stupid?” she asked. It was a serious thing, being stupid. If you were stupid, you couldn’t be a genius. “I really hope it’s not. If it is, tell me now and I promise I won’t get mad.”

“I wasn’t aware of any pranks.” It looked like it was getting a little closer to her. “You know, you look really nice for some reason.”

Oh dear, it was flirting with her.

“I’ve never even met you before,” she said. “Who are you anyway?”

“Hi, I’m Sam.” It offered her a limb that she assumed was supposed to be a hand. “Nice to meet you.”

“Well, Sam, I’d really like it if you didn’t flirt with me. I’m not comfortable being flirted with by a thing I never even knew existed. What are you exactly?”

“Oh, that wasn’t me flirting. You really do look nice for some reason. I just meant nice to eat.” Sam nodded at her to confirm her suspicions. “As to what I am, I think I might be a zombie.”

She realised the zombie had grabbed her leg a while ago, so she couldn’t run away. It was all that guard’s fault. He left her on her own with a corpse, for crying out loud! Who does that?

“Yeah, I’m gonna eat you now. Sorry.”

And then he ate her.

Author's Note

This is badly written on purpose. Do not look at this story and think that I’m going to be even trying to write it seriously.
Proofread by me. Expect mistakes and stuff.
Cover art drawn by me. Yes, I know that's bad too.

Chapter Two: Stupid Scripts

Sam was learning loads of new stuff today!

Firstly, he learned that zombies apparently had a super weird digestive system so he could eat as much as he wanted and not get fat in any way or even need to get rid of waste! Secondly, unicorns tasted like skittles and blueberry muffins and that was a taste that made him sick if he had too much of it. Thirdly, some men just want to watch the world burn, but that was another matter entirely.

He looked down at the remains of Twilight Sparkle. Her lower half and some of her upper half, except the bones, were completely gone. She’d tried running away but he’d just caught her and started eating her lower end first. She’d been yelling for help, of course, but no one really cared apparently. Something must have made her dead too, because she stopped screaming after like two minutes.

Maybe it was the zombie virus infecting her like it does in those movies and stuff…

“Are you gonna be a zombie now too?” he asked her. She didn’t even look at him. How rude. “Fine, be that way. Not my fault I ate you.” Yes, it was. “Wait. Yes, it is. Sorry about that.”

“Okay I’m back with my guard buddy so we can take your dead thing to your evil lair,” said someone behind Sam. He turned to see that there was a pair of guards pulling a golden chariot along behind them. “Oh, it’s not dead after all. Do you still wanna dissect it for cruel misdoings?”

“She’s not talking to people anymore,” Sam explained, turning to face them properly. “I ate her.” He waved at them. “Hi. I’m a zombie apparently.”

“I told her to try not to die…” one guard muttered angrily. “I specifically told her. Does no one listen to me anymore?”

“That’s not important right now,” said the other guard. “Do we have to make the undead real-dead now?”

“Nah, I prefer being not dead,” Sam said. “I mean, being alive was cool and undead kinda sucks, but I don’t wanna be dead for real.”

“So what the heck do we do now?” asked guard number one. “I mean, yeah, we kinda are supposed to kill the undead, but this one seems nice. What do we do, guard buddy?”

“Hold on, are you gonna try eating us?” asked guard number two. “We’d really prefer it if you didn’t do that.”

“Nah, I’m kinda full,” said Sam, shaking his head. “Oh hey, what happened to Twilight’s wings? Is she not a princess anymore?”

“She hasn’t been a princess ever. Why’d you ask?”

“Because, where I’m from, she’s a princess. Maybe this is some kind of alternate dimension…”

“Oh yeah! What are we supposed to do about the Summer Sun Celebration?” guard number two asked conveniently. “That was the supervisor that just got eaten and we’re late already!”

Wow, that sure made things make sense more.

“I must have travelled back in time!” Sam exclaimed in realisation. “Has Nightmare Moon returned to plunge Equestria into eternal night yet?”

“No, not yet. That crazy pony we were transporting was ranting something about that before we said she had to be quiet or we would have to put her in jail for something though.”

Oh no! That must mean that Sam had just eaten Equestria’s last hope of no eternal night! What was Equestria going to do now?

Well, the other ones were still alive, so there was that. Maybe they’d… do something. And he’d just eaten half of the element of magic, so maybe he was half of the element of magic now! He would just have to make friends with the other five and save Equestria!

“I know what I need to do now!” he yelled, standing in a heroic pose. “I must help save Equestria from eternal night by making friends! I am Twilight Sparkle now!”

“Look, if you wanna be something you’re not, that’s fine with us,” said guard number one. “We won’t judge you for it. Just don’t expect others to be so accepting of what you identify as. That’s the world we live in, I’m afraid.”

“Quick! Take me to Ponyville so I can do stuff!”

“Yeah, okay.”

Sam got onto the chariot and held on tight because that thing was a freaking health hazard and it was dangerous to not hold on. The guard ponies took off, taking the chariot with them and disobeying the laws of physics.

They were up in the air for a little bit before Sam actually decided to start speaking. “So how are you guys today?” he asked. “Must be boring, being a guard. What’d you do all day?”

“Not much really,” said guard number one. “But you’re right; it is boring. I shoulda been a fireman. I wouldn’t have to stand around so much if I was a fireman.”

“Oh look, we’re here,” said guard number two as the chariot landed.

Wow, that was fast.

Sam got off the chariot and walked up to beside the guards. He tried remembering what Twilight did for a short time before he came to the right conclusion.

“Thank you, sirs,” he said.

Guard number one nickered happily and said nothing else. Things seemed to be going right so far! Sam wandered away as he thought of what was supposed to happen next. He knew Applejack was first to go talk to, but there was something he was missing…

“What happened to Twilight?” asked Spike the dragon.

Oh yeah.

“Oh hi, Spike,” Sam greeted, spinning around to face the baby dragon. “Twilight got eaten. I’m Twilight now. Also hi. I’m a zombie.”

“Are you that dead thing that hit Twilight in the face?”

“I probably am, yes.”

“Did she die?”

“Yes. I ate her.”

“Oh yeah. Zombie.” He pointed at the hole in Sam’s face. “You got something in your teeth.”

“Thanks,” Sam replied, pulling the bit of Twilight’s tail out of his teeth. He looked at it for a moment before he decided to stuff it into his pocket. “I’m keeping that. Twilight’s tail wold be nice to use for something.”

“So what do we do now that Twilight’s been eaten?” Spike asked.

“You’re taking this remarkably well. Did I tell you I ate Twilight?”

“You mentioned it, yeah.”

“Do you really care?”

“I’ll have some emotional meltdown later. I’m not really feeling it right now.”

“Fair enough. I guess the plot doesn’t demand it just yet.”

“Huh?”

“What?”

“Back to my original question; what do we do now that Twilight’s been eaten?” Spike asked again. “She was supposed to do stuff that Princess Celestia told her.”

“I am Twilight Sparkle now!” Sam exclaimed triumphantly, taking that bit of hair out of his pocket and tying it into his own hair. He looked magical now! “Let’s go save Equestria by making friends and supervising stuff!”

“That kinda makes sense,” Spike agreed. “Where to first?”

“I think it was Applejack. I don’t like her too much.”

“You’ve never met her, Twilight.”

“Well, Sam has! Let’s go get fat on pie and meet like a thousand people!”

“Ponies,” Spike corrected.

“Shut up and get your Summer Sun Celebration Official Overseer checklist out.”

“Oh yeah, I have one of those.”

How did he remember Spike had one of those? He’d watched that episode yesterday just for the heck of it and the nostalgia.

“Oh, wait wait wait!” Sam yelled, stopping in his tracks. “I forgot one thing!”

“What did you forget, Twilight? We’ve only just got here.”

“HEY, PINKIE PIE!!” Sam screamed at the top of his voice.

“Yes?” Pinkie Pie replied from literally right beside him.

“Ah, perfect!” Sam exclaimed before leaning down to whisper his failsafe plan to her.

She nodded in agreement when he’d finished and trotted back the way she’d materialised from. When she was far away enough, she turned around and waved at him to signal she was ready. Sam then leaned down to Spike to whisper the next phase of his plan.

“Why, exactly?” Spike asked. “She was literally right here. You could have done it then.”

“I’m going by the script of the show, okay?”

“What show? We’ve never even had a TV.”

“Just go with it, okay?”

Spike sighed in resignation. “Fine…” He stood up straight again. “Maybe the ponies in Ponyville have interesting things to talk about!” Sam gave Pinkie Pie a thumbs up and she started trotting towards them both. When she was right beside them again, Spike continued. “Come on, Twilight! Just try!”

Sam looked up at Pinkie Pie and smiled anxiously. “Uh, hello?” he said unsurely.

As soon as he was done, Pinkie gasped melodramatically as she jumped up in the air and then pretty much flew away.

“Well, that was interesting alright…” Sam muttered, stomping away disappointedly.

Spike sighed again and followed him.

“There’s a cut here so let’s just walk to right outside Applejack’s house in complete silence. Just get your checklist out and get ready to do some checking.”

Spike got his checklist out and they walked on in complete silence. Somehow, Sam knew the way to get to Sweet Apple Acres from where they had interacted with Pinkie Pie, so he led the way. When they got to about six feet from the entrance, Sam gave Spike a little kick to signal him to do something.

“Number one,” Spike read drearily. “Banquet preparations; Sweet Apple Acres.”

“You missed a part!” Sam snapped angrily. “You’re supposed to say the name of the checklist!”

Before Spike could redo his error, somepony interrupted him.

“YEE-HAW!!” yelled Applejack as she raced along towards a tree surrounded by buckets.

She spun around to kick it hard, and then like fifty billion apples fell out of the tree and landed perfectly in all the buckets. Not even one fell out. Sam sighed and marched towards her.

“Let’s get this over with…” he said. When he got close enough to Applejack, he smiled and closed his eyes. “Good afternoon. My name is Twilight Sparkle.” When nothing really happened, he opened his eyes and offered his hand to her forcefully. “You’re supposed to shake my hand with way too much enthusiasm.”

“You look a little worse for wear,” Applejack replied. “Is your face supposed to have a hole in it?”

“Of course it is. How’d you think I breathe and see and hear stuff?”

“Ah meant that other hole that looks like it was burned into your face.”

“Yeah, that one’s not supposed to be there. But it does add to my zombie aesthetic!”

“You’re a zombie?” Applejack asked blankly. “Ah didn’t think zombies were supposed to exist.”

“No, neither did I.”

“Then how come you exist now?”

“Look, are you going to say hi to me or not?” Sam asked angrily, offering her his hand to shake again. “Now shake my hand and do it violently.”

Spike sniggered to himself, earning a cruel glare from Sam. Applejack stood still for another moment before she grabbed Sam’s outstretched hand with both hooves and shook it vigorously.

“Well howdy-do, Miss Twilight!” she greeted happily. She froze up for half a second. “Uh, Mister Twilight! Don’t know why ah thought you were a Miss! A pleasure makin’ your acquaintance! Ah’m Applejack! We here at Sweet Apple Acres sure do like makin’ new friends!”

“Okay, let go so my arm can keep shaking and Spike can stop it,” Sam explained. “And can I just say, you did that perfectly. Good job, you!”

“Ah don’t really understand what ah’m doin’. Can ah get some information here?”

“No. Let go.”

She let go of his arm and he shook it up and down as if she was still shaking it. When Spike finally got the message that he needed to stop it, he moved forwards and grabbed Sam’s arm. Sam waited for a moment before clearing his throat loudly.

“Oh, uh… Guess we know who to get for hammering stuff now!”

“Eh, close enough.” He turned back to Applejack and smiled anxiously again. “Friends? Actually, I…” She blinked in confusion at him waiting for something. “So, what can ah do for you?” he said in the best impression of her that he could manage. His voice went back to normal again. “Well, I’m here to supervise preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration. Are you in charge of the food?”

“We sure as sugar are!” Applejack replied proudly. “Ah’d ask if you wanted to sample some, but ah’m not sure zombies actually like apple stuff.”

“No, you’re supposed to offer me one. God, are you always this bad at following scripts?”

“Ah still don’t get it.”

“You know what? You suck anyway. Come on, Spike. We’ve got other things to be doing.”

He turned and stormed away. After about a minute of Spike just standing there and watching him, Spike leaned up to Applejack’s ear.

“That’s not really Twilight,” he whispered. “He ate her earlier and now he’s pretending to be her.”

“That’s, uh… kinda serious, little fellah,” she replied sternly. “Have you told the ponies that deal with that kind of thing?”

“They all got locked up for being crazy zombie hunters. Joke’s on the guys that locked ‘em up now, huh?”

“Ah really don’t think you’re takin’ this as seriously as you should. By what you’re sayin’, ah can gather that he just ate somepony. As in, properly ate.”

“Yeah, he said something like that earlier too.”

“Spike, I said we have other stupid stuff to be doing!” Sam yelled back when he finally realised that Spike wasn’t following. “Come on! Rainbow Dash is next!”

“Oh yeah!” Spike said in realisation. “We got a job to do! She’s supposed to be making friends, but I think she really just wants to prove that the Mare in the Moon is gonna return at the Summer Sun Celebration. Uh… He is. Not she. I gotta go.”

He hurried after his zombie buddy, leaving Applejack alone to wonder exactly what the heck had just happened. Well, whatever it was, the important ponies in charge needed to know about a potential zombie outbreak that may or may not be caused by an alien species that had suddenly turned up in Equestria very near to the time of the Summer Sun Celebration.

Of course, Princess Celestia would probably deal with it because the Summer Sun Celebration was at risk and she always liked doing stuff to save the Summer Sun Celebration for some reason.

Probably because she was a stuck-up, egotistical cow or something…

Author's Note

Okay, the first half of this was written before you made that comment, Hoppa_21. I swear I did not look at your comment and just think 'Hmm, maybe I can work with this...' Either you're psychic or I just make it that predictable.

Chapter Three: Party Pooper

Sam was not happy.

First off, no one was doing what they were supposed to be doing. Second, everyone was staring at him like he was some kind of alien from space. Third, he was dead now, just a zombie. That last one was kind of a big deal.

But the worst thing about it all was that the skies were not clear yet.

They were supposed to be cloud-free, but they still had like fifty clouds in them. Although Sam knew that a certain somepony could clear it all in literally ten seconds, he wasn’t very happy about it at all.

“Hmm…” Spike pondered, looking up at the cloudy sky. “There’s supposed to be a pegasus pony named Rainbow Dash clearing the clouds.”

Sam looked up at the clouds and frowned. “Well, she’s not doing a very good job, is she?” he asked loudly.

Suddenly, he was knocked into a muddy puddle by just the pony they were both referring to. Rainbow Dash looked down at Sam from on top of him and chuckled loudly.

“Uh, ‘scuse me?” she joked. She flapped up above him. “Lemme help you!”

She dashed away, pun intended, and returned completely dirt free with a raincloud to put above Sam’s head. She bounced up and down on it a few times, letting all the water in it pour out and onto him. When he was completely soaked, he glared up at her, but she just looked over the edge of the cloud innocently and sniggered again.

“Oops, I guess I overdid it,” she said. She tapped her chin in thought. “Um… Uh… How about this?” She started flying around Sam super quick, making a rainbow-y blur around him. “My very own patented rain-blow dry!” When she had finished, she flew away from him to land. “No no, don’t thank me! You’re quite welcome!”

Sam looked up at his relatively unchanged hair, which didn’t look at all like what it was supposed to. What it was supposed to look like was a big puffy bundle of fuzz, but it just looked normal for him. His hair was too short to get too messy, you see.

“Not a bad job, if I do say so myself,” Rainbow commented, looking at her hoof proudly.

“No, you’re doing it wrong!” Sam yelled. “You’re supposed to be laughing at how dumb I look from your rain-blow dry!”

“You look stupid already. Has that hole in your face always been there?”

“Gee thanks. At least my hair doesn’t show that I enjoy company with the same gender.”

“Whoa! Not cool! That is some major discrimination against rainbow ponies!”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.” He crossed his arms and frowned. “Let me guess. You’re Rainbow Dash?”

“The one and only!” she said proudly, taking up an arrogant pose of arrogance. “Why, you heard of me?”

“I heard you were supposed to be keeping the sky clear,” Sam said, sighing as he looked up at the definitely not cleared sky. “I’m Sa- Twilight Sparkle, and the Princess sent me to check on the weather.”

“Why’d you hesitate?” Rainbow asked. Spike hurried over to her to whisper something. When he was done, Rainbow’s jaw dropped. “Aw, that is cool! So you actually ate her? As in really chomped her flesh down and digested it all?”

“For god’s sake, Spike, stop telling ponies.”

“Sorry, Twilight,” Spike said with an innocent shrug.

“So why’d you become Twilight Sparkle?” asked Rainbow Dash. “I get that some ponies have identity problems and identify with stuff that they aren’t, but you’re not even a pony. Twilight was a pony though. You can’t be Twilight Sparkle if you’re not a pony.”

“Wow, you explain stuff fast, Spike,” said Sam. “But there’s no need to be so judgemental about ponies that aren’t actually ponies, Rainbow Dash! I can be Twilight if I wanna be Twilight! Now get back to the script! Say what you were gonna say if I hadn’t accidentally hesitated!”

“I forgot what we were talking about,” she replied. “I was distracted by you being a zombie or something.”

“For crying out loud, am I the only one who knows what you guys are supposed to say?!”

“How do you already know what I’m going to say? I could say something completely random that you would never guess!”

“Well, I wouldn’t know what that would be, but I know what you’re supposed to say.”

“Then what am I supposed to say?”

“You’re supposed to say ‘Yeah yeah. That’ll be a snap. I’ll do it in a jiffy. Just as soon as I’m done practicing.’ And then I’ll say ‘Practicing for what?’ and then you exclaim ‘The Wonderbolts!’”

“That actually does sound like me. Did you know they’re gonna perform at the Celebration tomorrow? And I’m gonna show ‘em my stuff!”

“Now you’re getting it.” He cleared his throat and raised an eyebrow like he knew something she didn’t. “The Wonderbolts?”

“Yep!” Rainbow exclaimed happily.

“The most talented flyers in all of Equestria?”

“That’s them!”

“Pfft! Please,” Sam scoffed. “They’d never accept a pegasus who can’t even keep the sky clear for one measly day.”

“Wow, if that’s what I was supposed to say and what you were supposed to say, was it really necessary to go to all that length just to put me down about how I do my job?”

“Shut up and clear the sky in ten seconds flat!”

“Fine!” she yelled before shooting around and kicking the clouds to nothing. After literally ten seconds on the dot, she was finished. “There! Happy now?”

He nodded. “A little.” His expression turned back to sternness. “Now tell me that I’m a laugh and that you can’t wait to hang out with me some more.”

“That would be kinda true because you’re a zombie and zombies are awesome, but now that you’ve said it, I’m not going to.”

“Fine. Be that way. I gotta go see Rarity now anyway.”

“Oh yeah, she’s doing the decorations. I guess I’ll catch you later then.”

“Come on, Spike!” Sam yelled, marching in off in the direction of where Rarity was doing her thing. “We’ve got a pony to meet and for you to get a crush on!”

“What?” Spike asked blankly, hurrying after him.

“I like that zombie guy,” said Rainbow Dash to absolutely no one at all. “He’s kind of a jerk, but I like ‘em. He’s cool.”

He didn’t reply because he was already gone and she just looked like a crazy pony now. But no one was around so she’d get away with it this one time.

Meanwhile, Sam and Spike were already at where they needed to go. They walked fast, okay? Spike did a little check of his checklist and looked up at the neat decorations.

“Decorations!” he said, checking the thing off his list. He looked up again. “Beauuutiful…”

“Yes yes, décor looks nice, blah blah blah, something something beautiful,” Sam replied. No one else was following the script, so why should he? He didn’t like this part that much anyway. “Now notice Rarity’s beauty.”

“Yeah… She is beautiful…” Spike droned like a lovesick thing. His pupils even turned into hearts somehow.

“You don’t even know who I’m talking about yet.”

Meanwhile, Rarity was looking through some ribbons and criticising them critically. “No,” she said, throwing a ribbon away. “No…” Another one gone. “No.” Yet another. “Oh, goodness no!”

Spike’s heart eyes were actually beating now because that was how biology worked apparently. He quickly checked himself over and made some minor adjustments to his appearance. Now there were hearts floating up off of his body.

“How are my spines?” he asked, checking his tail. “Are they straight?”

“You like fine, Romeo,” Sam said dully, patting Spike’s head and messing up his straight spines. He approached Rarity with a sense of boredom. “Good afternoon.”

“Just a moment, please!” Rarity replied rudely, examining the same ribbons again. “I’m ‘in the zone’, as it were!” She tied a sparkly ribbon to a pole. “Oh, yes! Sparkle always does the trick, does it not? Why, Rarity, you are a talent!” She turned to face Sam and Spike. “Now, how can I help yo- Oh my stars, what happened to your face?”

“Hi, I’m Sam, the zombie,” Sam explained. He blinked as he realised what he had just said. “No, wait! I’m Twilight Sparkle! Now make a fuss out of how bad my hair looks and give me a makeover like fifty times before I escape!”

“I’m sorry, did you say ‘zombie’?” Rarity asked, tilting her head confusedly. “Because I’m not even sure you’re supposed to exist. Are you making a joke? Because I don’t get it.”

“Yeah, didn’t expect you to…” Sam muttered. “But yes, I am a zombie. I ate someone earlier and now I am them.”

“That’s… a very serious thing. Do I need to call someone?”

“Nah. I’m nice.”

“Well, I still think it’s best to call someone to, ah, take care of you. You might be dangerous, after all.”

“I just said I’m nice! Seriously, are you as bad at listening as everyone else is at following the script?”

“Are we doing a performance?” She blinked and gasped excitedly. “Ooh, I love performances! Is it a tragedy? Comedy? Can I be a part in it? I promise I’ll give you my best acting!”

“Okay, decorations are in order. Let’s go, Spike. We got music to check on and then scare away.”

“Wait! There’s still so much to talk about!” Rarity yelled after him as he walked out dejectedly. “You can’t be leaving already, can you?”

“You’re boring anyway!” Sam replied angrily, kicking open the door out. “I said come on, Spike! You can fantasize about her later!”

“I wasn’t…!” Spike yelled. He looked up at Rarity guiltily and smiled weakly. “Uh, s-sorry, Miss.”

“Please, call me Rarity,” Rarity replied sweetly, batting her eyelashes at him.

Such a tease.

“Uh, bye,” Spike said quickly before hurrying after Sam.

All Rarity could think of now was what the heck had just happened and why there was now a zombie wandering around being a lady pony when they were clearly a guy.

Everyone knew Twilight Sparkle was a mare’s name. That was just common sense and the segregated world of names they lived in.

-=-=-=-=-

Spike was wandering along beside Sam dazedly now. Sam would occasionally glare at him angrily for some reason, but never said anything about it.

“Wasn’t she wonderful?” Spike sighed, still in his besotted trance.

“You’re getting good at this,” Sam replied, nodding in agreement. “Now focus, Casanova. What’s next on the list?”

“Oh!” Spike cleared his throat and lifted his list up to read again. “Music! It’s the last one!”

Then there was a sound of a group of birds singing in unison in the distance, making the two of them stop in their tracks. Suddenly, they were in a bush. They poked their heads out of it to see Fluttershy composing an orchestra of birds like a pair of stalkers. One of those birds seemed to be out of tune with the rest of them, so Fluttershy spoke up about it.

“Oh my,” she said quietly like a shy thing. “Um, please stop everyone.” She flew up to that one bird that couldn’t sing properly. “Excuse me, sir. I mean no offence, but your rhythm is a teeny tiny bit off.” She flapped away to be a composer again. “Now, follow me, please! A one, a two, a one, two three!”

“HELLO!” Sam shouted way too loudly, scaring all the birds away. “Oh, sorry. Didn’t mean to scare your birds. I’m Twilight Sparkle and I’m here to check on the music. Sounds pretty good.”

Fluttershy flapped down to land in front of him and anxiously kicked at the floor. Way to make everyone feel awkward, Fluttershy. Sam smiled stupidly and glanced around because he was feeling awkward.

“I’ll say it again,” he said. “I’m Twilight Sparkle, the zombie. What’s your name? I already know it but this is just part of the script.”

“Um… I’m… Fluttershy…” she mumbled.

“Sorry, what was that?” he asked.

“Um… my name is… Fluttershy…” she whispered.

“Didn’t quite catch that.”

She just squeaked it this time.

“Oh hey, your birds are back.” They were! “Well, looks like music’s in order, so keep up the good work!”

She squeaked again. God, she was so squeaky.

Spike stepped out of the bushes beside Sam, making Sam remember the rest of the script. He turned back to Fluttershy and pointed down at him.

“Oh yeah, I have a baby dragon.”

She gasped loudly. “A baby dragon!” she squealed. She charged towards Spike and knocked Sam out of the way rudely. “I’ve never seen a baby dragon before! He’s so cute!”

Spike put his claws on his hips and a smug grin on his face as he looked over at Sam. “Well well well!” he said smugly.

“I never said you weren’t cute, Spike,” Sam replied, standing back up again. “You can be cute if you want.”

“He talks!” Fluttershy exclaimed happily. “I didn’t know dragons could talk!”

“That’s a very discriminatory statement you have there, Fluttershy,” Sam said bluntly. “Hope you plan on making up for it.”

Fluttershy didn’t seem to be listening to him. “That’s so incredibly wonderful!” she said. “I just don’t even know what to say!”

“Well in that case, see you at the party later.”

“Wait, what’s his name?”

“Ask him. He can speak, after all.”

“I’m Spike!” said Spike as Sam grabbed him by the claw and started dragging him away.

“Oh, hi Spike!” Fluttershy greeted. “I’m Fluttershy!”

“If all it took was being a baby dragon to get you to talk, Spike’s gonna be around here for a while!” Sam exclaimed irritably.

“Wow, a talking dragon,” Fluttershy continued like Sam hadn’t even said anything.

“That’s still racist!”

“And what do dragons talk about?”

“Are you even listening to me?!”

“Well, what do you wanna know?” asked Spike, ignoring Sam too.

“Absolutely everything!” Fluttershy replied excitedly.

And so Spike began the story of his entire life up to today and Sam was completely ignored. No one cares about Sam. As convenience would have it, Spike’s story ended just as they got to the library where Twilight should have been living, but it was Sam’s house now.

“Wow, looks like we got here!” Sam exclaimed. “Sorry, I’m living here while I stay in Ponyville and my poor baby dragon needs his sleep.” He kicked Spike in the side to knock him over. “Aww, look at how sleepy he is! He can’t even stand up!”

“Poor thing,” Fluttershy commented, swooping down to scoop Spike up and cradle him in her hooves. “You simply must get into bed!”

And then she started carrying him into the library like she was his mother or something. That’s just rude.

“I can get him into bed myself, Fluttershy!” Sam yelled, grabbing her by the tail and pulling her back out. “God, he’s not your freaking baby or something! Goodnight!”

Sam grabbed Spike, jumped into the library and slammed the door shut behind him. He dropped Spike and fumbled around in the darkness for something to light up the completely pitch black room.

“Rude much?” Spike asked.

“Shut up, Spike!” Sam yelled. “I’m busy trying to convince Princess Celestia that Nightmare Moon is gonna come back tomorrow! Hear that, party ponies? Nightmare Moon is coming back and I get to say ‘I told you so’ tomorrow!”

“Party ponies? What do you mean?”

“It’s not a surprise party if I know it’s gonna happen, guys! Now get out of my house so I can sleep!”

The lights flicked on suddenly and there was a bunch of ponies just stood there with some party decorations up. They looked upset now, but that’s because Twilight Sparkle was no fun in the beginning and this was what should have happened.

“Don’t you want a party?” Pinkie Pie asked sadly.

“I’m a zombie! I’ll eat your face!” Sam exclaimed with a fearsome pose of zombie-ness.

That kinda got ‘em going. Most of them hurried over to the door and escaped while they still could. When most of them were gone, Sam looked around and put his hands on his hips. There was only two ponies left now; Pinkie Pie the party guy and the greatest animation error of all time.

Derpy freaking Hooves.

“Pinkie Pie, I know what you’re going to say, even though I really don’t, but now is not the time for parties,” Sam explained. He looked over at Derpy. “And Derpy, you’re awesome and everything, but you need to go eat a muffin now because I need sleep. I died today.”

“But it was gonna be so much fun!” Pinkie whined. “Can’t we just have a little party?”

“Maybe when we kill Nightmare Moon and bring Luna back. But not now. Out, please.”

“Okay…” Pinkie said sadly.

She followed Derpy to the door dejectedly. She gave Sam one last look of miserableness to make him feel bad before leaving the library. When she was gone, the door magically shut behind her and Sam sighed in relief.

“Phew,” he breathed, nodding appreciatively. “That’s what Twilight should’ve done. I mean, what I should have done.”

“I think I’ll go have that emotional turmoil now,” said Spike, wandering up the stairs to the bedroom. “Goodnight, Twilight. See you tomorrow.”

Sam followed him up the stairs shortly after he’d gone. He tucked himself into the bed and got all cosy so he could sleep when he remembered that he was still in his people clothes. Then he realised that he was a zombie and zombies don’t need to change their clothes.

And then he realised that Spike’s emotional turmoil was very loud, so he did not sleep at all that night which is what would’ve happened if he’d let the party go on anyway. He just got to feel bad about being a party pooper now as well.