Fire Crackers

by Metool Bard

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Discord, Pinkie Pie, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Cheese Sandwich, Trixie
Length: 3285

Discord's been baking recently! Nothing too crazy; just papier-mâché tubes filled with saltines made out of fire that tell weird jokes when you eat them. Y'know, typical Discord stuff.

Pinkie Pie and Discord are preparing for another Fourth Wall Theater Troupe production, and Pinkie is hosting a special Pitch Picnic for the potential cast. As such, Discord has decided to try out a new recipe and bring it to the picnic. Nothing unusual there.

...

About the situation, I mean. The treats Discord plans on bringing are going to be very unusual.

This is a bit of a spinoff story for the Fourth Wall Theater Troupe. If you wish to support their work, follow the prequel tag above for another brainstorming session. Written for the The Decent Writers Club Firework Contest.

Published 2015-06-22 18:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-06-22 18:30:02 UTC

Edible Explosives

Dear Discord:

Just got finished reviewing your latest idea for the Fourth Wall Theater Troupe. I gotta say, I like it a lot! It's a bit on the simple side, but I think I found a way to make it work.

The script is all typed up, and I already have the perfect cast in mind. I invited them to a special Pitch Picnic this Saturday to run things by them. Now, I know you don't like scheduling, but these ponies are super difficult to get a hold of, and we might not have a chance to meet like this again for a long time. So, if it's not too much trouble, I'd appreciate it if you showed up for the picnic as my co-director.

The picnic will be on Saturday at 11:30. Hope to see you there. Bring snacks! :pinkiehappy:

Your pal,
Pinkie Pie

Discord read over the letter he had just received, holding it in his snake tail while he placed various cooking implements on his kitchen counter. A warm smirk crossed his face.

"Well, I was planning on having a little prank war with Blueblood today, but no matter. My friends are much more important than messing with that ponce," he mused. "Now then, what to make, what to make? We need something that encapsulates the insanity and creativity of the Fourth Wall Theater Troupe. Hmm, I should check my cookbook."

He took the letter and folded it up several times, as if he were doing origami. When he finished, it had turned into a small tome that read Cooking with Chaos. He flipped through the book, his eyes scanning pages that were completely blank.

"Ah, here we go!" he said, stopping at a random blank page. "This should do quite nicely. Alright, let's get to work."

He tore the page from the book and gave it a flap. In the blink of an eye, it turned into a frilly apron with an image of Fluttershy and Discord having tea embroidered on it. As he used his snake tail to put the apron on, he dipped his hands into a bucket of mud that was sitting on the counter. When he removed them, they were both sparkling clean.

"Okay, what's first?" he said, checking the blank cookbook again. With a snap of his fingers, ingredients began to float over one by one from various points in the kitchen. "Lessee here, flowers, Tuesday Tea cakes from my friend Fluttershy, some minnows..."

An orange-frog hybrid hopped onto Discord's windowsill, curious as to what was going on. This turned out to be a mistake, as it was suddenly grabbed by Discord's magic and joined the floating ingredients marching towards the bowl.

"...A cup of cookies, cucumbers, bowling ball, a pair of sticks, whatever the heck that thing in the window was, pickled dandelions, and a sequined vest. Alright, looking good so far. Now, mix the ingredients vigorously until they're all blended together. Be sure to add a dash of liquid rainbow for that added kick."

Discord pulled the deer antler off of his head and used it to stir the mismatch of ingredients. Once that was finished, he poured the sparkling batter into a baking sheet. As soon as the drops of batter hit the pan, they magically molded themselves into small square biscuits.

"Okay, now just to bake these things for one-fourth of a femtosecond, and we should be done."

He took the tray over to his icebox and opened it up. For a second, he flinched from the flames that sprang forth. His motions a blur, he dipped the baking tray into the icebox and pulled it out again. When it emerged, the tray appeared to be glowing. Discord's eyes sparkled with glee.

"Perfect! Pinkie's going to love these!" he cheered. He then checked his watch, and his eyes literally popped out of his skull. "Oh my! Look at the time! I'm going to be late!"

With that, he snapped his fingers and disappeared in a flash of light, along with his confectionary creation.

***

Pinkie Pie trotted up a small grassy knoll overlooking Ponyville, humming a happy tune to herself as she carried a picnic basket in her mouth. She was followed by Cheese Sandwich, her fellow party pony, and Trixie Lulamoon, the traveling illusionist. While Cheese seemed very eager and excited, Trixie appeared to be deep in thought.

"Thank you both so much for coming out on such short notice," said Pinkie, laying out the picnic blanket. "It really means a lot."

"Not a problem, Pinkie Pie," said Cheese happily. "I'm just surprised you managed to track us down."

"Meh, it wasn't that hard," said Pinkie with a shrug. "Once I heard from Fluttershy that there was this super big party up in Wooddock, I knew exactly where to find you. And as for Trixie, it turns out my big sister Maud has been keeping in touch with her ever since she left the rock farm. Who knew?"

Trixie scoffed. "The Great and Powerful Trixie did not come here to reminisce about her sordid past, Pinkie Pie. In fact, Trixie would very much prefer it if you didn't bring up such painful memories ever again."

"Hey hey hey. No need to be so testy, Trixie," said Cheese. "We're all friends here, right?"

"We sure are!" Pinkie concurred. She then let loose some balloons from her picnic basket.

Trixie blinked and tilted her head. "W-we are?"

Pinkie looked up and gave Trixie a warm smile. "Sure we are. Trixie, just because you did some bad stuff in the past doesn't mean you're a bad pony now. Maud trusts you, and that makes you a friend in my book."

A ghost of a smile formed on Trixie's face, and she immediately tried to hide it with a noisy cough. "W-well, let's not waste any more time. Trixie wants to know about this gig you have set up for us."

"Hmm? Oh, right. That," said Pinkie. She reached into the picnic basket and pulled out a pair of scripts. "Have either of you heard of the Fourth Wall Theater Troupe?"

Cheese's face lit up like a Hearth's Warming tree. "Have I ever! You guys are a hoot and a half!"

"Trixie may have heard one or two things here and there," said Trixie nonchalantly.

"Well, we have a new script, and I thought you two would be perfect for the roles of our lead characters!" said Pinkie, clapping her hooves.

Trixie smiled. "So, you think this play needs some star power, do you?" she asked smugly. "Well, you came to the right pony. The Great and Powerful Trixie will put on the best performance you have ever seen!"

"Count me in, too!" Cheese added. "I always wanted to be in a play with you guys!"

"Great!" said Pinkie. "Glad to hear you're both on board. Now, I'll give you a moment to go over the script while we have our lu—"

Suddenly, there was a loud squeaking noise from above. The three ponies looked up and saw that one of the balloons Pinkie released into the air started to twist and contort itself, as if some invisible clown was creating a balloon animal. When it had finished, it took on the familiar shape of a draconequus. Pinkie smirked.

"Glad you could join us, Discord," said she.

With a loud pop, the balloon burst. In its place was Discord, carrying a tray filled with small, gold-striped paper tubes. Trixie shrieked and stood up. She tried to adopt a battle stance that made her look fierce and determined, but everyone could see that her legs were shaking.

"D-D-Discord!" she stammered. "Wh-what are you doing here?"

Cheese raised an eyebrow. "You really don't know anything about the Fourth Wall Theater Troupe, do you?"

"It's alright, Trixie. Discord's cool," said Pinkie earnestly. "I can vouch for him."

"Indeed," Discord chimed in, floating over to Trixie. "There's no need to be afraid of me, Ms. Lulamoon. I'm reformed, after all."

"B-but Trixie heard the stories about what you did at the Grand Galloping Gala," Trixie whimpered. "Y-you almost sent somepony to another dimension."

Discord sighed. "Okay, so I'm still struggling with all of the intricate nuances of friendship. Sue me."

"Just give him a chance, Trixie," said Pinkie. "I Pinkie Promise that he won't cause any trouble. Isn't that right, Discord?"

"That's right, Pinkie," said Discord with a nod. "In fact, I just made a little something for our pitch picnic today. That's why I'm a bit late. Sorry about that."

"S'aright," said Pinkie with a grin.

Cheese looked over the tray of paper tubes and arched an eyebrow. "Um, what are these, exactly?"

"Just a new recipe I've decided to try out," said Discord. "They're fire crackers."

Trixie's eyes went wide. "F-f-f-f-firecrackers?!"

Discord laughed and shook his head. "No no no. Fire crackers."

Trixie blinked. "I just said they were firecrackers."

"No, you said firecrackers. These are fire crackers. There's a difference."

"How is there a difference?"

"Come now, Ms. Lulamoon. Do you really think I'd be so malicious that I'd feed my good friends firecrackers?"

"You just said that's what those were!"

"Again, these are fire crackers. Totally different thing."

Pinkie giggled. "Okay, Discord. I think she's had enough," she said. "Seriously, though. What are fire crackers?"

"Well, that's very simple," said Discord. "You know about Hearth's Warming crackers?"

"Ooh, you mean those fancy toys they sell up in Trottingham?"

"The same. Well, these are a bit like that, but there's a lot more to them. Observe."

Discord plucked one of the tubes from the tray, pinched both ends, and yanked it apart. A small firework display burst forth as the tube tore open. From it, a bright flame fell to the ground, only to be caught in a small skillet. Pinkie looked over the skillet with a critical eye, and then looked up at Discord.

"It looks like fire," she said.

"Not just any fire," said Discord with a smile. "It's a cracker made out of fire."

Cheese chuckled. "Oh~! I get it! Fire cracker! Hahahahaha~! Good one, Discord!"

"Yes, yes. Very humorous," Trixie grumbled, folding her forelegs. "Just one question. How are we supposed to eat that? The Great and Powerful Trixie is the master of many illusions, but she's not a fire-eater."

"What? You've never tried edible fire before?" asked Discord. "Boy, are you missing out."

He then reached into the skillet and popped the flame into his mouth. As soon as the fire touched his tongue, he drew in a sharp breath through his teeth and snorted out a plume of smoke.

"Woof! Mind you, it does have a bit of a kick to it," he said. "And oh, here comes the best part."

The smoke he had just exhaled suddenly transformed into a small card, which Discord caught in his paw.

"Just like Hearth's Warming crackers, these things also give you jokes," he explained, reading the card. "Ooh, this is a good one." He cleared his throat. "Am I a born sponger?"

The three ponies looked at one another before sharing a shrug. Discord flipped the card over and stifled a chortle.

"No, but I have the pen of the grandfather's aunt!"

He then burst out laughing, and Pinkie and Cheese followed suit. Trixie, however, just blinked in confusion.

"How is that a joke?" she inquired. "That just sounds like a rude question followed by a random answer that had nothing to do with it."

Pinkie took a moment to compose herself before responding. "Silly Trixie. If you have to explain the joke, there is no joke. You only do that if you're teaching somepony the art of comedy."

Trixie tilted her head. "How does that disprove Trixie's point?"

Discord scoffed mockingly. "Well, if you think you could do better, why don't you try one on for size?" he asked, holding the tray of fire crackers in front of her. Trixie swallowed.

"A-are you sure this is safe?" she said nervously.

"Just as long as the crackers don't touch anything flammable," said Discord, holding up the skillet. "Remember, safety first."

Pinkie paused to think for a moment. "Tell you what, Trixie. If it'll make you feel better, I'll try one next."

Trixie blushed madly and glowered at Pinkie. "Y-you think Trixie is scared of eating some stupid fire? I-I'll show you!"

She grabbed a cracker from the tray and pulled it apart with her magic. Once again, the firework display gave way to a flame dropping into the skillet. Trixie swallowed.

"O-okay. I'm gonna do it. I'm going to eat this, fire," she said. Tentatively she bent down and took a tiny bite of the flame. Surprisingly, the flavor that hit her tongue was not what she expected. After the initial sharp heat, she managed to make out a sugary sweet taste, not unlike cookie dough. She soon found herself gobbling down the entire ember, wincing a bit as the heat cleared up her sinuses.

"Mmmph~! S-see? Scrumptious!" exclaimed Trixie. She then snorted out a plume of smoke, and from it a card fell into her hoof.

"That must be the joke!" said Pinkie, jumping up and down. "What's it say?"

Trixie read over the joke quizzically. "What do you call a zebra in a trench coat wearing roller skates?"

Pinkie shrugged. "I don't know, what?"

Trixie flipped over the card and raised an eyebrow. "A, bonk on the head?"

Pinkie suddenly flinched as a soft impact smacked her forehead. Her eyes darted around to see where the attack came from, but there was nothing to be seen. She tilted his head at Trixie.

"I don't get it," she said plainly.

"Neither does Trixie," said Trixie, equally perplexed.

Discord then cleared his throat. As soon as Trixie looked up, he motioned her to flip the card over again. With a shrug, she did so. She stared blankly at the new words on the card.

"Well, of course you don't get it," she read aloud in a baffled tone. "You get bonked on the head too much."

Discord erupted into hearty guffaws while Pinkie breathed out a slight snicker.

"Tee-hee~! I guess I've been going a little overboard with my physical comedy lately," she giggled. "Thanks, Trixie."

"Um, you're welcome, I guess," said Trixie, still staring at the card.

"Me next, me next!" Cheese exclaimed. "Yoink~!"

He swiped another cracker from the tray and opened it up. In one swift motion, he ducked under the firework display and caught the flame in his mouth before it hit the skillet. He shook and jittered as he let the fire dance on his tongue.

"Ooo-wee~! That's a doozy!" he said. "You have to give me the recipe for these, Discord. I could really use something like this at my next party!"

Just like before, he exhaled a plume of smoke which turned into a card. Eagerly, he snatched it up and cleared his throat.

"What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?" he asked.

Discord smirked. "I don't know, what?"

Cheese flipped the card over and he let out a silent laugh followed by a collection of snickers. Trixie rolled her eyes.

"Come now, Cheese Sandwich. It can't be that funny," she said.

"N-no, it is. It really is," said Cheese, taking a moment to collect himself. "I-I think I should start over. Okay, what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?"

Trixie sighed. "What?"

Cheese flipped it over and stifled a chuckle. "Wh-where's my tractor?"

He then doubled over in laughter while Pinkie and Discord joined in. Trixie let out a small giggle herself.

Wait, why did I think that was funny? she wondered.

"Oh, man. That's the best," said Pinkie, wiping a tear from her eye. "Okay, my turn!"

She took a fire cracker and opened it, releasing the firework display and the flame. Suddenly, her tongue stretched out like a chameleon, scooping up the fire and pulling it into her mouth. She flinched a bit.

"Woof! You can really taste the liquid rainbow accenting the sweetness." She then blushed. "Um, don't ask me how I know what liquid rainbow tastes like."

She let out a happy snort of smoke, and the smoke turned into a card. Pinkie grabbed it and read it expectantly.

"Okay, this one's a gem," she said, clearing her throat. "Why did the bugbear crash through the brick wall?"

"Oh, man! I totally know this one!" said Cheese, barely able to contain himself.

Trixie gave Pinkie a quizzical look. "I don't know. Why did the bugbear crash through the brick wall?"

Pinkie flipped the card over. "Um, I'm asking you the question."

She tried to sound indignant, but she failed to keep a straight face. She broke down into giggles, along with Discord and Cheese. This time around, Trixie joined in as well, chuckling merrily.

"Alright, that one was pretty good," she admitted. "I guess this kind of humor is just an acquired taste."

"I suppose you're right," said Discord, stroking his chin in thought. "Then again, all humor is subjective."

"Well, I think these fire crackers are fantastic," Pinkie chirped. "In fact, why didn't you use these jokes at the Grand Galloping Gala? That would've been much funnier."

Discord blushed and twiddled his fingers. "I guess it was just a matter of me trying too hard to get Fluttershy's attention. Again, this friendship business doesn't come naturally to me."

"Well, I think you've been making great strides to fix that," said Pinkie with a nod. "I don't think you would've done something this nice for us before you were reformed."

"True, very true," said Discord with a chuckle. "I think I might take a few of these over to Fluttershy's for our next Tuesday Tea. Just to shake things up a bit, y'know?"

"Yeah, I hear you," said Pinkie. She then took a look at her watch. "Oh goodness! We haven't even gone over the script yet!"

"Well, no time like the present," said Cheese with a shrug. "So, what's this story about, exactly?"

Pinkie smiled. "Okay, so you and Trixie will be playing a pair of ponies living in a town. Cheese, you constantly annoy ponies by playing your accordion, and Trixie, you annoy ponies by making stuff disappear."

Trixie arched an eyebrow. "What kind of stuff?"

"Like say somepony is drinking some water. You just use your magic and poof! The glass disappears and splashes water on their face. Or, like, somepony is sawing a log in half. You use your magic and poof! No saw!"

Trixie's brow furrowed. "Trixie isn't sure if she likes this role. You said that she's not a bad pony anymore."

"Not to worry, Ms. Lulamoon," said Discord with a wink. "You are in very capable hooves, talons, and paws."

"Yep," said Pinkie with a nod. "'Cause then, there's this big monster that attacks the town..."

As Trixie listened to Pinkie's pitch, a soft smile crossed her face. Maud's sister may be insane, but I suppose I can see why she loves her so much, she mused.

Author's Note

This was pretty much written solely for the contest. I only connected it to the Fourth Wall Theater Troupe because other straight men I thought of for the scenario just didn't work as well. The contest was just "write about fireworks," so I thought I'd go off the beaten path and really have fun with the idea. Otherwise, it's just a fluffy little story about character swapping bad jokes. :derpytongue2:

By the way, cookie for anyone who can guess the story the Fourth Wall Theater Troupe was planning on ponifying this time. :raritywink: