Time Lords and Something-Sparkling-Or-Shining-Or-Something-Indescribable

by psp7master

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random
Length: 2900

When foals need some explanations on the topic of magic, who do they ask? Me, of course...

18+ When foals need some explanations on the topic of magic, who do they ask? A magician? Well, that's true so far as we are talking about normal foals. When we are talking about the Crusaders… Let's just say it all ended up as it usually does: I played the role of a scapepony, so to speak. Once again…
Rated T for 'Time Lord'. And mild swearing. Reeeeally mild swearing.

*Written as a sub-story to the Confessions of an Immortal Time Lord. This story is not connected to (but supplements) the story Time Lords and Wingboners. Read at your own risk.*

Cover image by the talented Trollapony

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-05-24 22:04:01 UTC

Time Lords and Something-Sparkling-Or-Shi... Well, You Get the Idea

Time Lords and Something-Sparkling-Or-Shining-Or-Something-Indescribable

Part of the Confessions of an Immortal Time Lord series

***

Once upon a time...

No, that sure as hay isn't a decent way to begin a story.

That was a beautiful morning in Ponyville...

Nah, that's far too boring.

Call me the Doctor.

Nope, I've already heard that somewhere...

This is the story of how I, the Doctor, an immortal and omnipotent Time Lord, who had previously saved the Universe a few hundred times (and Equestria in particular), was turned into a chicken by a little unicorn foal. Twice in a day.

That does seem intriguing, doesn't it? Now that your attention is most certainly occupied by my story, you would like to know how in the wide world of Equestria that happened. Relax, take a cup of tea and listen.

***

I washed my knife, carefully, thoroughly, like a professional. Having removed the last remnants of the familiar red substance, I examined the steely device and, satisfied, put it on the table, near the plate, on which the victims of my recent deed lay.

"Now that's why you don't mess with the Doctor," I said didactically, taking the newly made tomato sandwich from the plate and bringing it closer to my mouth.

As I was trying to take a bite, closing my eyes blissfully in great expectations of tomato juice on my tongue-

"Mister Doctor! Oh, I mean, Doctor!"

I groaned in familiar mental pain.

"Oh no, not this filly..." I said to myself and resolved to make it crystal clear that this time Sweetie Belle won't get any form of communication with me.

And, as a brave Time Lord who always stands up to any danger, be it a demon, or an alien, or a chimaera - or a nosy little schoolfilly, in this case - I decided that the most courageous thing to do would be to hide and pretend I wasn't home.

"Doctor!"

The voice repeated a few times. I was silent. In a few minutes, everything became silent. I couldn't hear a thing so I concluded that the little unicorn went away. I finally sighed in relief.

Oh, how I was mistaken...

"Aha! I hear you sigh! You're in there!" a painfully familiar voice behind the door yelled.

Oh yes, my mistakes should always be punished. Well, they were. And they are. And they will be.

Having no other option but to open the door, I let a living hurricane inside. The white filly ran into my small TARDIS, instantly stopping in amazement upon looking at all the electronic devices that I had. And I had quite a collection, believe me!

"No," I immediately appeared before the awestruck filly. "No, you don't. Come on, I'm at your service."

With that being said, I pushed the purple-maned unicorn out of my precious time-travelling house before she began wreaking havoc all around the place. I swear, that is her special talent! All that crusading led to wreaking such high-quality chaos all around the place that it would make Discord envious; ergo, she could easily earn herself a 'wreaking havoc' cutie mark.

"Now what do you want?" I asked her.

"That's impolite," she replied after losing her frozen stance.

I shrugged dismissively.

"What's impolite for little fillies is just all right for us Time Lords," I assured her. Double standards for the win, what else can I say?

"Oh, all right!" Sweetie chirped cheerfully. "I just wanted to ask you if you could teach me to do magic!"

I sighed and shook my head.

"First of all, you don't do magic, you cast magic. Have you ever played Pony Quest?" I began, when I caught an empty glance from the filly, which confirmed my suspicions: she even hadn't played role-playing games.

"Next, I. Will. Not. Help. You. Go ask your sister: she's a unicorn and she knows better," I finished firmly and tapped the solid ground with a good old hoof of mine.

"Oh, come on!" the filly whined. "You're just still upset about that 'wingboner incident' a week ago, right?"

She hit a sour spot, that gal. I made a displeased face to show her I didn't want that ...'incident' to be mentioned ever again.

"Moreover, Rarity can't help me, she's in Canterlot for a whole two months!" Sweetie Belle tried to reason me. needless to say, to no avail.

"So what? Can't you wait for her?" I asked.

"Nope," she said and lowered her head. "Miss Cherilee wants all unicorns to perform a spell in class tomorrow! And I can't do... I mean, cast," - my approving glance should be inserted here - "any spell!" the little unicorn finished her desperate tirade.

"Cherilee, you say?.." I paused and rubbed my chin. "Hmm... I'd definitely show that sexy mare some magic of my own..."

I closed my eyes and got lost in thought for a while, and when I opened my eyes again I saw the dumbfounded filly with her mouth open.

"You don't mean..." she began carefully.

I realised my mistake at once and reversed time to the moment before I let my dreams... speculations take over my head. The advantages of being a Time Lord!

"Why don't you ask Twilight?" I wondered idly, still hoping to enjoy having a bite of that delicious sandwich.

"I did, but she told me she had no time!" Sweetie Belle protested. "Maybe if you called on her with me, she would find some time... And you're right, she's a far better spellcaster than you."

Ouch, that hurt. Speak of sticks and stones but my gentle soul will always be offended by harsh words. Especially those that try to lower my immensely high self-esteem.

"No way, I'm not in the mood to meet that unicorn..." I began, raising a hoof.

"Aren't you two dating or something?" that little one-horned devil asked innocently.

"We. Are. Not. And, in addition, I'm quite done with you and your magic today, thank you and goodnight," I said as I entered the TARDIS and slammed the door shut.

"It's six in the morning!" Sweetie Belle shouted at the door.

Oh, didn't I mention that- oh wait, it's Sweetie Belle. It was quite clear that that filly just loved getting up early. Well, so do I. I mean, I do get up early, not that I like that.

I sighed and trotted to the table to take my forgotten sandwich and finally consume it (not without pleasure, if I may add). After that, I took a cup of fine tea and started savouring the delicious substance.

"If you don't come to the library with me, I'll tell Twilight about you and Master~" a sing song voice echoed from the outside.

Now that is, my friends, when I spit my tea on the remains of the sandwich and galloped out of my cosy blue box to meet that filly face to face. Muzzle to muzzle, if you prefer. That was a topic that I didn't want anyone to know about. I'll tell you later. Or I won't. Let's just settle on the face that it was a humiliating and displeasing issue for yours faithfully.

"How did you-" I looked at her with shock in my eyes. The filly was wearing a wide grin upon her face. "But of course... Big Mac told Applebloom and she told you..."

Sweetie Belle nodded delightfully.

I sighed.

"Okay, let's go. At least it is Twilight who will be teaching magic to you, not I," I surrendered.

"YAY!" the purple-maned filly shouted and galloped towards the library, followed by me, the miserable and discontent Time Lord.

***

"Sweetie Belle, I told you I was busy!" Twilight shouted as she opened the door and saw the unicorn on her doormat. However, when she looked at the pony who accompanied her, her gaze softened a bit.

"Oh, if it isn't the wingboner master," she said with a smile plastered upon her lips.

"Yes, my little trolly, that's me and I have business to attend to," I said as I pushed Sweetie Belle inside and followed her.

"My little... what?" Twilight blinked a few times and closed the door.

"Now, Twilight, Sweetie Belle here," - I tapped the white filly with a hoof - "wants to learn magic for class tomorrow. Show her some basic spell and we're done."

The purple librarian smiled slyly. I knew that smile. That smile meant she had a plan, and not a pleasant one indeed.

"Okaaay, Doctor," she began, making me slightly worried as to why she didn't ask for anything in return. "...But in return, you'll sort all my books. In alphabetical order. I my special alphabetical order."

Now all my previous worries popped like a toy balloon.

"Can't Spike manage just fine?" I asked hopefully, yet already knowing the answer.

"Oh, no, he can't. It will be a pleasure to see you actually work for a change," Twilight replied with the same smile.

Never mess with mares, foals. You save the Universe on a daily basis, want to have a day off - and they still want you to work. Never mess with those kind. We stallions are much better fellas.

...And I'm not gay, mind it!

I sighed and looked at the Crusader. She winked at me, as though she was saying Maaaaaasteeeer. Fluttershy's house. Remember?

I shook my head to shave off all unneeded thoughts and sighed again.

"Just because I slept with you that one time doesn't mean you can manipulate me as you wish," I said solemnly.

"You... what?" Sweetie asked with wide eyes.

"It's not what it looks like!" Twilight shouted, giving me the Can't you see there's a foal in the room? look.

"Yes, Sweetie, Twilight and I just had sex," I assured the filly.

Now that was not true. You know - we just slept together, easy as that. But to counter Twilightroll I had to activate my Doctroll mode.

Sweetie Belle opened and closed her mouth several times but resolved to act as all ponies do when they hear something from Pinkie Pie: roll with it.

"Never mind," I said. "Okay, okay, I'll be your slave for the time being," - I looked over the library and winced at the sight of countless bookshelves and, what was more important, countless books - "Just teach Sweetie Belle a spell or two, will you?" I asked Twilight with The Charming And Disabling Time Lord's Smile [TM] on my face.

She sighed.

"Okaaaay," she said, shaking her  head and levitating a few opened books to the table.

Aha! Always works, that smile!

I placed myself in the corner on a comfortable cushion and placed my eyes on Twilight's... on Twilight, as she knelt down to get a 'Magic for Dummies' spellbook.

Now, it would take only a few minutes, right?

***

...Or a few hours.

"Come on, Sweetie, it's a simple levitation spell! I learned it back in Magic Kindergarten!" Twilight exclaimed, tapping her hoof against the ground angrily.

"Your IQ was over 9000 back then, Twilight," I said lazily from my corner, trying hard not to fall asleep. "Though, it has experienced a dramatic decrease since then..." I mumbled under my breath.

"Beg your pardon?" the angry lavender mare asked.

"Oh, nothing," I replied apologetically.

"I- I just can't!" Sweetie Belle cried.

"Yes, you can!" Twilight barked.

"You're not Coltbama, Twilight," I commented from my safe corner.

"If I couldn't did it on the 400th try, I won't be able to do it at all!" the white filly whined.

"Then you'll do it on the 500th try!" the lavender mare assured her firmly.

"Then you'll fight in the shade," I said, still being under the feeling of permissiveness.

"Oh shut up!" the two unicorns hissed in unison, making me proud of their ability to instantly make me their common enemy. Mares, you know them. And if you don't, you'd rather try. But I'm losing my train of thought, right?

I waved my hooves in the air, which was taken as a sign of surrender.

"Now, Sweetie, you just concentrate, lower your head, and let yourself bathe in the purity of your magic. Easy as that, right?" Twilight said with a warm smile.

The little unicorn shut her eyes, lowered her head so that it was almost touching the ground, and concentrated really hard. A few drops of sweat fell from her forehead.

As I wanted to facehoof again, for the 401st time, Magic happened. The room was enveloped in Something Sparkling or Shining or Something Indescribable, but that seemed like some sort of magic for sure.

When my perfect eyesight returned to me once more, I felt that the both unicorns were immensely stunned, their mouths agape and all. Well, reminiscing the times when I had good manners (Ah, how I miss them!), I decided to congratulate Sweetie Belle on her first magic act.

"Cluck! Cluck cluck cluck!" I said.

I immediately felt that something was wrong. Very wrong. I carefully examined those parts of myself that were visible to me. I gasped in sudden realization. Something terrible had just happened. Something I had never experienced before.

I forgot to wear my tie that day.

Oh, and I had also been turned into a chicken by a schoolfilly. But... The tie, guys! I'm a gentlecolt, for buck's sake!

"Oh, Celestia..." Twilight facehoofed. "You were trying to cast a levitation spell, not a morph spell, Sweetie Belle," she reasoned a filly.

"But at least I casted some spell!" the filly tried to protest but stopped as she caught an angry glance both from the librarian mare and yours faithfully. "Okay, I'm sorry. Can you fix him?" she addressed Twilight.

"Oh, but of course I can!" the most beautiful, wise and caring mare in Equestria exclaimed. "But should I? He's really funny this way..." the most awful, disrespectful and horrible mare in Equestria continued.

"Cluck. Cluck cluck cluck cluck. Cluck cluck!" I reasoned her.

"Oh, but Doctor... think of the advantages..." the lavender-maned troll... I mean, pony began. "Nopony would call you an egghead, right? Right? Get it? Get it? Hahaha. Haha. Ha," she laughed at her horrible pun. No, really. That was like the most terrible pun ever made. Chickens lay eggs, so what? That couldn't be even qualified as a pun. That was just... No, really, I've no words. Let's just forget that and move on.

My and Sweetie Belle's grave, disapproving silence was more than enough to make Twilight groan and cast a spell that returned me to my previous pony state.

I quickly examined myself to see that I was once again the Doctor, the pony I had been before. You can't even comprehend how happy I was!

...Not after Twilight Sparkle urged Sweetie Belle to try the spell again.

I know, being turned into a chicken is fun and all, but... twice in a day? Really?

*Sigh*

At least Twilight turned me back to normal again. Not without a few giggles, of course... You know those mares... I'm not being sexist, right? No, not at all.

So, after a few more hours of concentrating (which I had conveniently spent in the kitchen to avoid getting chickened again), I resolved to finally head home for my breakfast... lunch... dinner.

Waving goodbye to the two unicorns, who didn't notice it, I left the library.

***

The Sun had set itself high in the sky, yet it had already slowly begun its descent. I sighed and looked around. That day was one of those great days when the surrounding reflect the sunlight in such a way that one's heart feels that it's full and content. It seems as thought the whole life has a meaning, a special meaning just for you, a meaning that revolves in those little rays of sunli-

The Moon.

The Sun had set and the Moon had risen. I would've probably found some better epithets, though I was so dumbfounded that I couldn't notice anything but the flash coming from the library, then the momentary descent of the Sun and ascent of the Moon.

I slowly moved back to the library and entered it, only to find Twilight sitting on the floor with her mouth open, her eyes fixed on the little filly, who was visibly scared, yet proud. I sat next to the lavender mare. I couldn't find any words of my own to let out of my mouth, despite all my vast intellect and everything.

"I- I actually did that?.." Sweetie Belle asked quietly.

Twilight silently nodded and fainted the next moment.

***

"Luna, did you really have to do that?" Celestia asked, shaking her head and entering her chambers from the balcony.

"But of course We had to, sister! That poor filly was struggling; why not help her?" Luna said with a small smile, following the goddess of the Sun.

"That's called trolling, Luna," the elder sister replied with a sigh as she brushed her mane.

"I just don't know what you're talking about... I mean, We do not know," the goddess of the Moon corrected herself as she examined her hoof.

"This is going to create a new cult around that filly, do you realise that?" Celestia wondered nonchalantly.

"Oh, I do, sister," Luna replied with a smile. "I do."

***

Author's note.

And that's how Equestria was made.