How much is that pony on the sidewalk?
Daniel Habbuck considered himself a stress connoisseur.
During his three years as ambassador to Equestria, he’d come to appreciate the subtle flavors of tension. There was the overwhelming, insatiable pressure of waiting, the burning itch of frustration, and the cold, testicle-contracting prickle of fear. Now, as he waited in the conference room, his body was getting a healthy dose of all three.
“Ok,” Daniel took a deep breath, drumming his fingers against the varnished ebony conference table."Stay cool, stay calm. Stay cool, stay calm..." he told himself, trying to ignore the fact that if these negotiations failed, the UN’s proposed alliance with the minotaurs was kaput, and a certain ambassador’s ass would be nailed to the wall of the General Secretary’s Office.
So yeah, no pressure.
“Okay Dan, you’re a strong, confident man. You’ve got an iron will and stainless steel balls.” Daniel twirled a lock of chocolate-colored hair with his fingers. He’d learned long ago that politics was just another form of acting; you just had to play your role and play it well. “You wrestle manticores for fun and eat nails for breakfast. You aren’t afraid of any minotaurs.”
If he was good enough, the bull might actually believe it.
Something large and heavy started clomping towards the conference room. Daniel pushed himself off the hydra-skin chair, running through his pre-negotiation checklist. Chin held high? Check. Shoulders straight? Check. Chest puffed out? Check. Operation: Negotiation was a go.
The ebony conference room doors slowly creaked open and the minotaur Speaker clomped in, carrying himself with all the grace and subtlety one would expect from a five hundred pound man-bull.
“Human-Speaker Daniel.” The minotaur smoothed a crease in his sky blue toga and gave a short bow. Daniel promptly returned the gesture, digging his fingernails into his palm. Rule number one of negotiating with minotaurs: don’t show fear. If you showed fear to a minotaur, he’d lose interest in you and leave. But you couldn’t be too cocky either, lest you contract a bad case of “hoof-in-face disease”.
“So, Speaker Big Stick, have you finally come to a decision?” Daniel tapped his foot.
“Yes.” The living Greek legend slowly clomped over to Daniel; a walking wall of muscle and sinew that could snap a human bodybuilder in half
“The Ekklesia and this one have discussed the terms of your ‘UN’’s proposal,” Big Stick said, pronouncing “UN” as “Yoo’Enn”. Daniels stomach began pulling Immelman’s. This was it.
“...And, after much deliberation over telegraph,” Big Stick paused for a second, as if he enjoyed making Daniel squirm. ”We have decided that that their revised proposal is acceptable.”
Before Daniel could react, two arms as thick as hams wrapped around him in a crushing hug. Daniel caught a heavy whiff of the minotaur’s scent; a heady mix of sweat and musk that screamed “I AM MALE!” Finally the Speaker released him. “Welcome, valued ally!”
Daniel brushed minotaur hair off of his suit. “Thank you, honored Speaker.” Humanity’s representative returned the embrace, feeling like a child trying to hug a side of beef. “I’ll have my government send the necessary paperwork over in a few days.”
“Good,” said Big Stick. “I must go now. There is much work to do.”
Daniel reached under the conference room table and slipped on a crash helmet. Big Stick locked arms with Daniel, pulled back his bovine head, and gave the human a traditional farewell headbutt.
“Gods be with you,” Big Stick said.
“Gods be with you too,” Daniel replied, reeling like a punch drunk boxer. The Speaker left. Daniel pulled off the crash helmet, rubbing his head and waiting for the world to stop spinning.
Rule number two of negotiating with minotaurs: always bring a helmet.
Once the world finally stopped moving, Daniel collapsed in his chair, releasing a breath he hadn’t know he was holding. He felt like an orange that had just been squeezed dry; used up, and ready for the compost heap.
He was never drinking orange juice again.
A hot needle poked the side of Daniel’s stomach. “Damn it.” He reached into his coat pocket, fished out a bottle of milk of magnesia, and took a swig. The milky liquid rushed into his stomach like water into a forest fire, calming his bellicose bowels.
This job was going to kill him.
It was all because of a wrong turn.
A wrong turn on a hiking trail that got him hopelessly lost in the woods. A wrong turn which made him stumble into an interdimensional portal and transported him to this technicolor fairy tale land. A wrong turn that made him one of the most influential—and overpaid—men alive.
During his tenure as humanity’s ambassador, Daniel had accomplished more in three years than most people accomplished in their entire lifetimes. He’d arranged alliances and treaties with races that only existed in myth back home. He’d had tea with demigods and brunch with dragons. Some loved him. Many envied him.
And he’d trade it all in for a good night's sleep and a calm stomach.
Once his stomach had quieted down a little, Daniel pushed himself out of his chair and stretched, his joints snapping and popping like strings of firecrackers.
What time is it? Daniel popped his neck and whipped out his pocket watch; Nine thirty five. He’d been in this conference for almost four hours; by his standards that was downright speedy. Sometimes his meetings could take up to half a day. Especially with the griffons. Those cat-birds loved making people wait.
With a final stretch, Daniel walked out of the conference room and into the embassy lobby, his custom-made shoes clomping on the granite floor. Lets’ see. What’s coming up? Daniel whipped out a dog-eared day planner. He groaned. The next few days were going to be hectic as all hell. First there was a meeting with the Canterlot Royal Council at three, followed by an interview with TIME Magazine at seven. The day after that he had a meeting with Queen Olivine of the Diamond Dog Kingdom.
In short, he needed all the rest he could get.
“Ambassador Habbuck?” Daniel turned to see his personal pony guards trotting up to him, their ceremonial gold armor gleaming in the light from the embassy’s mage-light chandelier. Daniel restrained himself; even after five years of living in Equestria, there were still times when he was tempted to pick up one of the natives and squeeze them like a teddy bear. While “ponies” vaguely resembled their terran counterparts, their appearance was more toy-like than horse-like, with their blunt muzzles, oversized eyes, and colorful coats and tails. Couple that with their childish names and constant use of cheesy horse puns, and you had a creature that was almost impossible to take seriously at first.
A mistake no one made twice.
“How did your negotiations fare, Your Eminence?” asked the taller of the two guards. Daniel kept forgetting the pair’s names—some verb or noun combo related to their occupation—so, out of convenience, he’d secretly dubbed the tall one “George” and his shorter companion “Lenny”.
Daniel grunted.
“I’m sorry,” said George, his spade-shaped ears drooped.
“What are you sorry for?” said Lenny. “You didn’t do anything.”
George whacked his comrade over the head. “Anyway, your carriage will be here shortly. Please follow us.”
With a nod, Daniel followed the pair through the embassy lobby. Back home, the media liked to depict ponies as carefree, childlike beings. Like little children in pony costumes. As always, it was pure horseapples. Despite their appearance, ponies were as emotionally mature and diverse as humans; they could be saints, and they could be sinners. They could be heroes and they could be villains. They could be loyal friends…
“Danny!” yelled a stallion wearing an obviously fake toupee.
...and they could be four-legged leeches.
“Danny boy, how ‘ya doin?’” The stallion walked over to the human, flashing teeth as white as chalk.
The human stopped and deployed the most convincing-looking smile in his arsenal. Now remember, Daniel. you are a good friend of this stallion. Bosom buddies. Best pals. Whatever. You’re supposed to be pleasantly surprised to see him.
Hopefully he’d be able to pull it off without strangling somepony.
“Ah, Councillor Kickback!” Just looking at the stallion made a small part of Daniel die inside.“Good to see you”
“Danny, Danny, Danny,” The yellow earth pony said with a smile swiped from a used car salesmen. “There’s no need for formalities. We’re both equals here.”
Daniel’s hands twitched. That face. So punchable…
“So, Danny, how are you?” Kickback gave Daniel a friendly nudge. “Workin’ hard or hardly working?”
“Working hard, as always,” Daniel said.
Kickback gave a laugh as real as his mane. “I know what’cha mean. Heard that you were talking to one of those minny’s.” He clicked his tongue. ” I feel sorry for you. How’d it go, by the way?”
“Pretty tiring, but otherwise okay,” Daniel said through clenched teeth. As if you care. “Yourself?”
“Great,” Kickback said in a voice slicker than grease. ”I just submitted my latest proposal to the council subcommittee. Hooves crossed.” He chuckled “Hey, speaking of which,can I ask you something?”
Here it comes. “Sure, what is it?”
“Next time you see the Princess. could you perhaps, have her take a look at this?” Kickback handed him a manilla folder. ‘It’s another proposal I’ve been cooking up; a targeted 5% tax cut for Canterlot-based companies.”
One that would benefit your cronies and nopony else. “Well, the Princess is a pretty busy pony, and my schedule is kinda full, but I’ll see if I can make some time.”
“Great!” Kickback patted Daniel on the back. The human shivered. He would have rather have been kissed by a Smooze. “Anyway, I gotta go now. Good to see ‘ya!”
“You too.” Daniel said, hoping that the lie would drive off Kickback. Once the councilor was out of sight, he banished the proposal to the depths of his bag and let his face relax. When he’d first arrived in this world, most of the Canterlot higher-ups had wanted him either imprisoned or dead; a “hairless ape” they’d called him. Now that he was an ambassador, everyone and everything wanted to get on his good side. They’d invite him to parties, give him rare and expensive gifts, the works. Behind the facade of friendliness was the same unspoken message: I scratched your back, so can you scratch mine?
With friends like them, he wouldn’t mind a few enemies. At least they’d be honest.
With that little bout of unpleasantness gone, Daniel plodded out the embassy door and into the mid-summer night. The air was pleasantly cool and comforting, like wrapping a chilled blanket around his body. Most of the nervous sweat evaporated.
An elaborate carriage rolled up to the curb, its twin UN flags fluttering softly in the evening breeze. “Evening, Ambassador Habbuck,” said the earth pony pulling the carriage. “Are you ready to go?”
Daniel nodded and climbed inside. George and Lenny climbed onto the sides of the carriage, spears pointed up.
“Where to, Mr. Ambassador?”
“Earth Embassy,” Daniel said as he buckled himself in. “ASAP.”
The coach pony nodded. “Got it.” There was a gentle lurch, and the cart slowly rolled forward. As hooves clip clopped on cobblestone streets as old as England, Daniel gazed out the carriage window, trying to reweave his frayed mind by studying the local architecture.
Canterlotian architecture could best be described as “Arabian Nights” meets Baroque Roccoco as imagined by Dr. Seuss. Onion shaped domes and spiraling minarets dominated the skyline, each painted in bright primary colors. Each neighborhood was a proverbial pissing contest, with each house trying to outdo the other with mosaics, statues and bas-reliefs. Daniel thought it was fitting. Matched the overall attitude of the city to a T.
Daniel spotted a guide leading a group of human tourists through the streets. He could see the flashes of their disposable cameras like miniature lightning bolts, hear them oohing and ahhing at things he saw every day. As far as Daniel was concerned, they were wasting their money. Crown Jewel of Equestria his hairy human ass.The fancy architecture was just a facade; gold leaf over a dead rat. Behind it was a hive of bureaucracy, corruption, and snobbery. About half the ponies on the Council were grade A hypocrites, and most of the so-called nobles, with a few noteworthy exceptions, treated everypony they met as either a potential rival or ambulatory pond scum. As far as he was concerned, the only good thing about the place was that it was home to the Princesses. That, and her…
Feeling nostalgic, Daniel rifled through his pocket and pulled out an old leather wallet, one of the few possessions left from his old life. He fished out a dog eared photograph of himself and a unicorn mare standing in front of a carousel, making silly faces at the camera.
Daniel sighed. Twilight Sparkle had been everything he ever wanted in a woman, human or otherwise. When everypony else called him a monster, she saw a scared creature in desperate need of a friend. When the stress of being trapped in an alien world nearly shattered his mind, she was there with a hoof on his back and a smile on her face.
That, and she also had a really nice flank.
A swarm of “ifs” buzzed through Daniel’s head. If the portal hadn’t been reopened. If she hadn’t been coronated. If they hadn’t been so caught up in their work. If, if, if…
The carriage lurched to a stop. Daniel stuck his head out the carriage window, ignoring the slight tingle from the vehicles’ multiple protection wards.“What’s going on?” He shouted to the cabbie. “Why’d we stop?”
“Emergency road repair, Your Excellency.” The cabbie motioned to a team of Earth Ponies in construction worker orange, huddling around a massive pothole as if it was telling them the secrets of the universe. “Whole road’s been blocked off.”
Daniel groaned. In this millennia-old architectural nightmare, something was always crumbling, magic or no magic. “Do you know a quick detour?”
The driver thought for a second. “‘Yeah, I know a route. Shouldn’t take us too long. Afraid it’ll take us through a bad part of Old Town, though.”
“Do it.” Daniel said. Normally, he would have rather taken a detour through Tartarus then through Old Town. But right, now, he really didn’t gave a damn.
“Hey ‘ya big monkey!”
The drunken stallion reeled, taking a swig from the bottle in his hoof.
“Get outta my country.” The inebriated equine slurred and hurled the half empty bottle at the ambassadorial cart. Before it could make contact,
Lenny jumped up and caught the bottle in his mouth, while George leapt off the carriage, brandishing his spear.
“Awright, awright, I’m goin.” The cowed drunkard said, stumbling off down the streets.
George and Lenny returned to the carriage. “Are you alright, your Eminence?” asked George
“I’m fine, I’m fine.” Daniel said. Sometimes those two acted more like overprotective parents than bodyguards.
Daniel looked around and shivered. Old Town was like a rug. Everything the higher-ups didn’t want to see—or even acknowledge—was swept down here; out of sight and out of mind. The buildings, while in relatively good repair, looked tired and worn, like sick old men nursing what little was left of their life. Depression and hopelessness oozed from them like tree sap. Happiness was a stranger here. Joy wasn’t welcome. It was a place where dreams went to die.
Daniel clutched his abdomen, his stomach churning and bubbling like a pot about to boil over. His bowels felt like they’d been tied into a square knot by a sadistic boy scout. All of his worries busted out of their prison and ran through his mind like a minotaur through a china shop.
I need a friend. Now. In his experience, the most effective antidote for stress was conversation. All he had to do was sit down with a friend, maybe over a cup of tea or two, talk for a little while, and all his stress would evaporate like morning dew.
Daniel whipped out his planner and turned to the section marked “Friends (true)”
He scrolled through the list.
Twilight?
Diplomatic mission to Asia.
Luna and Celestia?
Out at a charity dinner.
Fancy Pants and Fleur de Lis?
Second honeymoon in Vegas
“Dammit.” Daniel tucked the planner back into his coat pocket. Everypony else was too far away.
George and Lenny might have worked in a pinch, but they were both on duty. Same with the driver.
A pressure built up within Daniel’s mind. There was a conversation inside him begging to be released. He’d take anypony: a garbage collector, a street sweeper, hell, even a hired assassin would do, so long as they agreed to talk to him first!
Whump!
The carriage came to a violent halt. Daniel’s train of thought jumped the tracks and exploded.
“What’s going on?” He yelled.
“One second, sir,” the driver said, unhitching himself from the reins to inspect the carriage. “Horseapples, it’s a broken wheel. Hold on. I’ll get the spare!”
“Let me help.” Daniel unbuckled his seatbelt and opened the carriage door.
“Sir!” George and Lenny blocked his exit. “Please stay in the vehicle while the wheel is replaced!”
“Guys, listen .If I help, it’ll go much faster,” Daniel explained. “The faster it goes, the less time we have to stay here”
“He’s got a point there.” Lenny said. “Those hands of his do make things real easy.”
George groaned, not happy at being overruled by his partner. “Fine. But please, make it quick!”
With that, Daniel slipped out of the little bubble of sophistication that was his carriage, and into Old Town.
Somehow, the already seedy town had become even seedier. The background music was a cacophony of yowling cats, breaking glass, and rambling drunks. Saloons sprouted like barnacles, polluting the air with the smell of cheap booze and urine. Brothels and sex shops competed for space like weeds .
For some reason, Daniel had a hard time time accepting that a place like this existed. There was just something wrong with having a place like this in this Seussian fairytale, like finding a Playboy pinup in the middle of a coloring book. He shook his head. No time for distractions. The sooner he changed the wheel, the sooner he could get out of here.
“Eeergh!” The driver slid under the carriage and propped it up, using his body as a makeshift jack. Quickly, Daniel slipped off the damaged wheel, grabbed the spare from beneath the carriage, and slipped it on, screwing it neatly into its socket.
“Mmmm… such nimble hands.”
Daniel’s heart kicked into overdrive. He whipped his head around to see a pegasus mare dressed in a black thong and lacy socks.
“Bet you’d like to use those hands on something a little… softer.” The mare turned around, giving Daniel a scenic view of her flank and tail. She batted her unnaturally long eyelashes. “ Wanna ride this little pony?”
Daniel’s heart rate slowly eased back to normal. “No thank you, miss,” he said, brushing some dirt off of his suit.
The mare sniffed. “Suit yourself,” she snorted, before sauntering off.
Well that was something. Daniel climbed back into the carriage and buckled himself in. Living in Equestria for two years had taught Daniel otherwise; ponies were just as sexual—and perverted—as humans. Maybe ever more so.
Daniel shut the carriage door. Take prostitution for example. In Equestria, being a hooker it was a legitimate career choice; not exactly a glamorous profession, not by any means, but no more “wrong” than being, say, a plumber or a handyman. Prostitutes had unions, pension plans, childcare, all the benefits of a “legitimate” job back home. Hell, some Equestrian technical schools actually gave courses on it.
Needless to say, it was giving the conservatives back home fits.
As the carriage rolled Canterlot’s seedy underbelly, Daniel found himself the target of every prostitute on the block. Mares and stallions from all three tribes called out to him, offering a good time and a great flank in exchange for some bits. Donkey jennies with pierced ears and high-heeled horseshoes called out to him. Griffon hens with painted beaks chirped at him, while Diamond Dog females wearing jewel-encrusted lingerie growled lustily. Once, Daniel even saw a minotaur sow showing off her prodigious… mammaries.
Some other time, Daniel might have taken up their offers—when the closest human woman was an entire universe away, your taste in women changed rather quickly. Nopony in Canterlot would have minded, and while the bigwigs back in New York probably wouldn't have approved, there was nothing they could do about it. But right now he just ignored them. He needed companionship, not sex.
Daniel’s eyes lit up. Then again, who said he had to hire them for sex? For a few bits, one of these lovely ladies could serve as an improvised friend—compared to what their usual requests, it’d probably be downright tame. Course, it wouldn’t be as good as the real thing, like a chinese knock-off of a popular toy, but right now, a cheap substitute was better than nothing.
Okay, Daniel, you’re a real ladies man. You’re sophisticated, stylish. You’ve been banging mares since the day you hit puberty. You’re looking for a mare who can give you the best time of your life.
Daniel scanned the streets, not really sure what he was looking for. No… no… no… ugh, definitely no…
As he scrutinized the streetwalkers, one mare in particular caught his eye: a dark grey mare leaning against the side of a building, wearing a hydra-skin saddle and fishnet stockings. Two leathery wings were folded against her sides, like someone had hot-glued batwings onto a pony plushie.
“A Batpony?” He’d heard of these creatures before. Also known as Thestrals, they were an offshoot of the pegasi tribe native to the small, northern country of Letyucha. Because of their appearance, they tended to keep to themselves. Aside from the relative few serving in Luna’s Night Guard, one rarely saw a batpony outside their home country. So what was this one doing here?
Daniel scrutinized the thestral a little more. With eyes honed by years of studying pony faces, he could tell that something was off about her.
Namely her eyes. There was none of the lust or simulated desire he’d seen in the eyes of her coworkers. All he saw was a dull exhaustion, as if she desperately needed a break from life.
Daniel put a hand to his chin. Maybe, just maybe, she was the kind of mare he needed.
“Driver, halt.”
The cart lurched to a halt. “Excuse me, Miss.” Daniel called out to the streetwalker.
The batpony pointed a forehoof at herself.
“Yes, you. Could you come here?”
The mare put on an obviously forced smile. “Well.It would seem that a resident human wants to get… batty.” She spread her two leathery wings. Her voice was beautiful; a silky contralto with a thick, slavic-sounding accent. The delivery, however, made Daniel’s inner actor cringe. It was stiff and stilted, as if she was reading from cue cards. Her body language was even worse; it was so exaggerated and lackluster that it became laughable. Either this mare wasn’t very good at her job, or she just didn’t give a damn.
The thestral sauntered over to the carriage, swaying her ample hips back and forth in a ridiculously exaggerated manner, like a parody of a sultry walk. George and Lenny stopped her.
“One second, miss.” They lit up their horns and began scanning the batty equine.
“You’re doing it wrong,” said George. “Up and down not side to side!”
“Sorry,” said Lenny. The two waved their horns around the thestrals’ body, as if they had airport security scanners glued to their foreheads.
“She’s clean,” said George. ”You may pass.”
“Uh, thank you.” The batpony caught herself. “Ohh, it looks like my newest client is a, what is the word, hot shot, no?”
You might say that. Daniel thought. Like a gentleman, he opened the carriage door and helped the little bat-horse in. For a marshmallow-like bat-horse, the thestral was quite beautiful, with her silky dark blue mane, a coat like dull silver, and strangely elegant wings. Her scent was equally exotic- sweet, yet musky, like smoked jasmine.
“So.” The thestral climbed onto Daniel’s lap like a scantily-clad child—He really wished he’d thought of a better analogy. “If it is something cheap that you want, there is the simple hoofjob for twenty bits, the double hoofjob for fifty bits...”
The thestral continued through her list of “services”, rattling off her services like a waiter reading off a wine list. Some of them were familiar to Daniel thanks to… personal experience with Twilight. Some were new to him, and some sounded borderline illegal.
As the batpony listed her various flavors of sex, Daniel caught a glimpse of her cutiemark: a stylized swan with outstretched wings. Odd. While he didn’t claim to be an expert on the girlishly-named markings, it seemed an odd choice for a prostitute. He’d have expected something more fitting, like lacy underwear, or a rabbit.
“And last, there is the Canterlot Special, two hundred bits.” She stopped for a moment. “Well, which one will it be?”
“None of them.” Daniel said as politely as he could.
The batpony tilted her head. “What?”
“That’s right. I do not wish to have sex with you, miss..?”
“Starlight.” The thestral furrowed her brows. “And if you did not want sex, then why did you call me over? I do not do bondage.”
“Ms. Starlight,” Daniel explained. “I wish to hire you as a conversation partner—just talk to me for an hour or two and I’ll pay you.”
Starlight crossed her forelegs and scowled. “Look, Mr. Hotshot. I am what you would call a streetwalker. A whore. Ponies throw me bits and I lift my tail. Talking is not part of that. If what you want is talking, there are plenty of other ponies on the street.” She turned around and started climbing out of the carriage.
“Wait!” Daniel grabbed the thestral by the wither. ”Let's make a deal. Your most expensive service is two hundred bits?”
Starlight nodded.
“Well, talk to me for a few hours and I’ll pay you double the usual fee.”
Two tufted ears perked up. “Double?” Starlight put a hoof to her mouth, then nodded. ”All righty then, Mr. Hotshot. I suppose that I could,how do you say, chew the rag with you.” She hopped back into the carriage, and sat back down on the hydra-hide seats, eyes half-lidded. “So, you want to talk here, or are you having some place in mind?”
Daniel smiled. “Oh, I have a place.”
“Ting a ling!”
Daniel held open the door to Donut Joe’s Donut Shop, the bell above it giving a welcome tinkle. George and Lenny stood guard by the entrance, defenders of the bakery.
“After you, Miss Starlight.“
Starlight trotted into the Equestrian eating establishment, looking around with a slightly confused expression on her face. Daniel wasn’t surprised; it must have been a huge change from the back alleys and cheap hotel rooms she was used to.
Daniel walked into the bakery and shut the door behind him. An earth pony wearing a paper hat and an apron trotted up to the counter. “Hey, Mr. Ambassador. Good to see ya!” he said in his thick, Manehattan accent. His eyes turned to Starlight. “And I see ya broughts a lovely lady friend with you this time.”
“It’s...not like that, Joe,” Daniel said, holding out his hands palms-out.
Joe held up a forehoof and smiled. ”Don’t worry about it. If it ain’t hurting anypony, it ain't any of my business.” He leaned against the counter. “So, what can I get ya? The usual: bakers dozen old fashioned and a coffee?”
“Make it a milk instead.” Daniel said, holding a hand to his stomach. “Ulcers been acting up.”
“All right” Joe turned to Starlight. “And what about you, Miss. Would you like something?”
“Um, milk.” Starlight said somewhat hesitantly.
Joe headed in the back and returned with a paper bag and two cups of milk. Once they were provisioned with doughnuts, Daniel and Starlight sat down at a convenient table. The human picked up a doughnut and took a bite. “Mmmm…” he moaned in pastry-induced contentment. Frosty and sweet, same as always.
Daniel held out a doughnut. “Would you like one, Ms. Starlight?”
“I… guess.” Starlight gripped the proffered pastry between her fetlocks and started eating in a suitably adorable manner.
Daniel suppressed a laugh. Only Equestria could have adorable prostitutes.
As thestral and human ate, they stared at each other awkwardly. Like two drivers at a four way stop, each waited for the other to make the first move. Daniel racked his mind; how exactly did one start a conversation with a prostitute?
Well, I guess I could try the old standby. “So, Ms. Starlight.” Daniel said, taking a sip of milk. “Tell me about yourself.”
"What is there to tell?” Starlight said in-between bites of doughnut. ”I am a hooker. Ponies pay me and I let them rut me.” She fluttered a leathery wing.
Daniel winced. Starlight’s tongue was sharper than her fangs. Time for a new tactic. “I’m curious. Your cutie mark, what does it represent?”
Starlight frowned, squirming slightly in her seat. “That I am good at rutting. What do you think it is meaning?”
Daniel raised an eyebrow. ”No offense, Starlight, but I don’t see the relationship between a swan and being good at providing sexual pleasure?”
Starlight began to sweat. “Fine. It means that I am very agile. Are you happy?”
“Then why—?”
“Look, I was having my reasons. Capisce?”
“Capisce.” Daniel said. Needless to say, the conversation withered on the vine.
Okay, wrong angle. Time to try this again from a different tack.
“I’m sorry. I forgot to introduce myself.” Daniel extended a hand. “My name is Daniel. Daniel Habbuck.”
Starlight stopped in mid sip. “Pardon me for asking, but you are the Daniel, yes?”
“My reputation precedes me,” Daniel said with a smile. “Yes, I’m him; the first human in Equestria.”
Starlight’s expression softened a little. Her posture became slightly more relaxed. “Well, I knew you were a hotshot, but never was I thinking you were the hottest shot,” She clicked her tongue. “I should have guessed by those Yoo’en flags on your carriage.”
Starlight finished her doughnut and motioned for another. Daniel passed the prostitute another pastry.“Tell me,” the thestral said in-between adorable bites, “what do you think of our Equestria? Are you liking it here?”
“I am, Starlight,” Daniel said, “It’s a very interesting place, not all that different from Earth in some ways. The people are nice, if a bit flighty. The food is delicious. Pollution is not as big a problem as it is back home, and the wildlife is much friendlier… most of the time.”
“Interesting,” Starlight put a hoof to her cheek. “You did say that Equestria is not too different from Earth, yes? So what is Earth like?”
Daniel blew air past his lips. Hoo boy. This question.
“Well, as I said, it’s similar to Equestria, but it’s got more than a few... differences”
“What are these ‘differences’?”
Daniel thought for a second. Where to start? “Well, for one thing, we can only predict the weather, we can’t control it.”
“Interesting.” Starlight said. “So everyday you go outside, you gamble.”
“That’s one way to put it.” Daniel said, finishing off one of the deep-fried toroids.
"Please, go on.”
“We also have…” Daniel continued with his description of humanity’s homeworld, trying his best to condense a history, geography, and anthropology lesson into something more easily digestible. What interested Daniel was Starlight’s curiosity. It wasn’t the feigned interest he’d expected, but a genuine desire to learn. And, as it always was with Equestrians, her reactions varied. Some of it fascinated her. Some of it horrified her. And some of it just plain confused her.
“And you are saying that your ‘Japanese’ find this arousing?”
“Some do.” Daniel said, biting into another doughnut. “It’s a rather… odd country.”
“So I see.”Starlight took a long sip of milk. ”So, Mr. Ambassador...”
“Please, just call me, Daniel.”
“So, Daniel, you work for the Yoo’Enn, no?”
“Firstly, it’s U.N. Short for ‘United Nations,’” Daniel explained. Why did so many Equestrian’s not get that it was an an acronym?
“Ah…” Another sip of milk. ”I have heard of this ‘United Nations’, but I am knowing very little about it. Is it a sort of ruling council, similiar to my home country’s Rada Kubel, or is it a direct democracy such as with the Minotaur Republic?”
Daniel raised an eyebrow.
“What?” Starlight said with a hiss. “Just because I am a whore does not mean that I am ignorant!”
“My apologies, Ms. Starlight.” Daniel said. “To answer your question, the UN is neither. It’s more of a… club than a government.” He said. “Member nations send representatives to the UN, who vote on various issues and help resolve disputes between countries. If a country displeases them, they can punish that country through economic and other sanctions.”
“It does not seem like a very efficient way of ruling,” Starlight said, finishing a doughnut.
“On the contrary, it’s very efficient,” Daniel said with a smirk. “Sometimes they actually get something done.” He took another bite.
Starlight made a strange, clicking laugh. “In my home country, there is a saying: ‘a council is where good ideas go to die.’”
Daniel chuckled, almost choking on his doughnut. That was politics in a nutshell.
“And what about the Canterlot higher ups?” Starlight asked. “What is it like to work with them?”
Daniel put on an obviously fake smile. He knew this one by heart
“Working with the Equestrian government is a very enlightening and productive experience. Together, I believe we can build a better future for both our worlds.”
Starlight snorted. “What is it really like?”
Daniel took a deep breath. “It’s like… it’s like being part of a play. Everypony involved has a role: the Cheater plays the Moral Crusader. The Backstabber plays the Friend. And the Coward plays the Hero.”
Before Starlight could respond, Daniel held up a hand.
“I’m not saying that everyone on the Council is being dishonest. For example, there’s Lord Fancy Pants and his wife, Councillor Fleur de Lis. They’re some of the most honest politicians I’ve ever met. Same with the Princesses. But even they’ve done some morally questionable things. Myself too.” He lowered his head.
Daniel breathed the sight of a man who was weary of life. “Starlight, playing politics is like handling raw sewage. No matter how hard you try, you’ll still get covered in crap.”
“I know all too well.” Starlight said, then caught herself.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that I, uh, can probably guess.” Starlight laughed nervously. “Uh, tell me, If you are hating your job so much, then why do you not quit?”
“Because I’m the only one who can do it!” Daniel thumped a hand on the formica tabletop. “I know Equestrians, Starlight. I lived with them for over two years. Hell, I fell in love with one of them. I know them inside and out; their quirks, their fears, their fetishes, everything.”
Daniel sighed. “Let me put it this way; our worlds are two different lands surrounded by a raging river, and I’m the only one who knows how to build a bridge.”
Starlight just sat there for a moment, digesting his words. “So, we are not so different after all,” she muttered under her breath.
“What was that?”
“Nothing. It is nothing,” Starlight said. She quickly changed the subject.
“You know, most of my human clients are always hesitant to hire me at first. You were not. I am assuming you have been with a mare before, no?”
“Yes.” Daniel pulled out his wallet and slipped out the photo of him and Twilight. “Here she is.”
Starlight’s eyes shot open. “You were rutting Princess Twilight?”
Daniel blushed. ”Technically. She wasn’t a princess when we were dating. Celestia had assigned her to me to help me adjust to life in Equestria. We started out friendly at first, and over time, we just clicked.”
“So I am seeing.” Starlight said, taking another bite of doughnut. ”What was she like?”
“Adorkable,” Daniel said, waxing nostalgic. ”She was witty, smart, educated, friendly, talented.” He chuckled. ”And more than a little neurotic.”
Starlight let out a strange, clicking laugh. “So I have heard.”
“Yeah. I remember one time when Princess Celestia came over for a surprise visit. I swear, Twilight almost had a heart attack when she found out.” Daniel chuckled. “Good times.”
Daniel sighed. “Twilight was the first friend I ever made in Equestria, and, eventually, the mare who convinced me to try dating a pony.” Daniel smirked. “Imagine her surprise when she was the one I asked out.”
More clicking laughter. “On that I can bet. It seems like you were very happy together. Why are you no longer being a couple?”
“Life.” Daniel slumped back in his seat. “Those NASA researchers found a way to reverse-engineer the portal. I became an ambassador. She was coronated.” Daniel sighed. “There was no way we could have made it work. So, we decided to end it.”
Starlight’s ears drooped. “I am sorry.”
“Don’t be,” Daniel said, finishing off the last doughnut. “It was fun while it lasted, and we’re still good friends. We meet together for tea every so often.”
“I see.” Starlight said, staring off into space.
“Are you alright, Starlight?”
“Yes. It is nothing.” Starlight started squirming in her seat. Daniel wasn’t fooled. While the little batpony tried to keep a poker face, he could see the tension in her eyes, like a storm trapped in a bottle.
“Are you sure? You look like something’s bothering you”
“It is nothing,” The batpony said, squirming a little more. “It is… just a bellyache, that is all.”
Daniel crossed his arms. “Starlight, if something’s bothering you, just tell me.”
“Why would you care?” Starlight glared. “I am just a hooker. Why should you care about what problems I am having?”
“Because I’m paying you to have a conversation with me, and I can’t really have a conversation with somepony who's clearly worked up.”
Starlight looked back and forwards. “Fine. I will tell.” She sighed. “Not here, though. I am needing someplace private.”
“Fair enough.” Daniel gathered up the pair’s trash and tossed in a wastebasket. “Thanks, Joe,” He said.
“Anytime, Ambassador,” Joe replied.
The pair walked back out to the carriage. The coachpony was sitting on the ground, reading an imported Playboy.
“Oh, Mr. Ambassador.” The stallion jumped to attention and stowed the magazine away. “Where can I take you?”
The two climbed into the carriage. “Well, Starlight, where is this place?”
“I will show you.” Starlight cleared her throat. “Driver,” she commanded, as if she’d been giving orders to coachponies her entire life. “Take us to Starswirl Memorial Park, chop chop.” Then, as an afterthought, “If you please.”
“Yes Ma’am.” The coachpony nodded and started off. The coach lurched forwards. All the while, Daniel stared at his hired companion.
Who are you, Ms. Starlight?
“Starswirl Memorial Park.” the coach pony announced. “Please watch your step.”
“Thank you, cabbie,” said Starlight. For a second, Daniel saw a glimpse of something refined in the batpony, as if a beggar had suddenly become a princess.
With that, thestral and human strolled into the park, looking for all Equestria like a happy couple going for a midnight walk. A happy couple trailed by two armed guards.
Daniel had been to the park before. Sometimes, on the rare occasion when he had a day off, he’d take a stroll through the park, trying to clear his cluttered mess of a mind. He just wasn’t used to it being so empty. There were no lovers eloping under the ancient chestnut trees. No fillies and colts playing zaptag with their horns. No parents yelling at their children to stop climbing on the statue of Starswirl the Bearded. Just dead quiet. Honestly, it was kind of creepy.
“Daniel,” Starlight said. “I know that you know I am not ordinary hooker. You know that there is, how do you say, more to me than meets the eye.”
A resigned sigh. “It is supposed that if anypony deserves to know the truth, it is you.”
Another deep breath. “My full name… My full name is Starlight Dockkya Sim’ya NightFlyer.”
Daniel went through what he knew of Thestral society. “Nightflyer. Do you mean the Nightflyer Den? The Nightflyer Den?”
Starlight nodded.
Daniel reeled. He’d heard about the Nightflyer Den. Hell, who hadn’t? They were one of the most influential dens in their country, owning stock in everything from farms to railroads. To find one of their members here, doing this, was like finding the President’s daughter working at a fast food joint.
“You are wondering how I ended up like this, yes?” Starlight asked. She gave a resigned sigh. “It is a long, sad story. Are you liking long, sad stories?”
Daniel smiled. “As long as they have a happy ending.”
“Then prepare to be disappointed.” Starlight took a deep breath, then released it.
“I was the firstborn of my generation. Our Den’s Head Father spent most of my fillyhood trying to make me the son he could never have.” She spat. “He taught me to fight, gave me the best education our den’s wealth could buy. Thanks to him, I can speak Prench, Equish, and Germane, and know twenty different ways to disarm an opponent. When his body was interred in the family crypt, I would, how do you say, be the big man of the family.”
“Then what happened?” Daniel asked.
Starlight glared. “I disagreed.”
“Why?”
“Daniel, in my land, politics and cheating are the same thing; lying, bribing, and stabbing in the back are not only tolerated, they are expected. Alliances never last. Friends are tools. Everything is used as leverage.” Starlight hissed. “I wanted none of it. I was not wanting to forfeit my soul.”
“Amen.”
Starlight tilted her head. “What?”
“Human expression. It means, I agree with you.”
“I see.“ Starlight continued. “I was wanting nothing to do with him and his filthy politics! They could rot along with him for all I cared! I wanted to do something more meaningful. Something better.”
“What was it?”
Starlight didn’t answer. Instead, she started slipping off her stockings and saddle. Daniel felt a familiar tingle in his loins. No! He pushed the feeling back into its hole. That was not what he’d hired her for.
Once she was finally undressed, Starlight trotted onto the park’s playfield, stepping on grass flattened by hundreds of young hooves.
“What are you doing?”
Starlight looked over her shoulder. “In my country, there is a saying. ‘Do not tell, when you can show’”
With that, Starlight pumped her leathery wings and shot into the air, her body silhouetted against the streetlights and the bright moonlight. Then, she began to dance.
Daniel stood in the playfield, neck craned and jaw slack.
She’s a skydancer? Daniel was familiar with the traditional thestral art—a sort of hybrid of ballet and stunt flying—but he’d never seen it done this well. Starlight had to be the most aerobatic creature he’d ever seen; with a small twist of her wings, she whipped her body in any direction she chose, rolling and twisting with a finesse no human machine could hope to replicate.
What the hell was she doing here?
Starlight continued her performance. She executed effortless snap turns and rolls, loop de loops and immelmans, each stunt taking her a little higher than before. Her tricks became more energetic, more elaborate. Loops, split-s maneuvers, and aerilon rolls were all strung together like beads on a necklace. It all culminated in a sudden rapid climb, as if Starlight had grown weary of Earth and reached toward the stars.
Then, at the apogee of her ascent, Starlight stopped. She spread her wings and started gliding towards the ground in long, elegant loops. Her aerobatics lost their frantic energy, becoming more subdued, more subtle. Daniel realized that this was not just a performance, but a story; the tragic tale of a mare’s rise to power, followed by a slow, steady decline. The sky was her page, and her body was the pen. Every twist was a word. Every loop a sentence.
Suddenly, Starlight pumped her wings and once again nosed up into a nearly vertical climb; a last-ditch attempt to regain what was lost. She flew and flew, trying to restore her former glory, only to stall, going into a spin. George and Lenny rushed towards her, horns ready to catch her.
”Stop!” Daniel held out a hand. “She knows what she’s doing!” Daniel gulped; he hoped she knew what she was doing.
Seconds before impact, Starlight recovered from her spin. Her wings flared out; like two leathery parachutes, they slowed her fall from a plunging rock to a falling leaf. Starlight landed gently on her hind legs, then capped her performance with a short bow.
Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. Daniel clapped his hands until they hurt, feeling unworthy of watching such a performance. George and Lenny, normally as stoic as rocks, had tears trickling down their cheeks. If the Starswirl statue could, it probably would have wept as well.
“You are all too kind.” Starlight said, slipping back into her get up. “That was sloppy. I have been desperately out of practice.”
“Sloppy? Starlight, that was the best skydancing performance I’ve ever seen. Isn’t that right, guys?”
George and Lenny nodded in agreement. Now it was time for the proverbial elephant in the room. ”Then why—?”
“Why am I a whore?” Starlight adjusted the saddle on her back and furrowed her brows. “My Head Father. That is why. When the bastard found that I was wanting to become a skydancer, he was furious. He did give me an ultimatum” she said, stumbling over the last word. “Either I would give up on my skydancing, or I would be expelled from the family.” She snorted. “You can guess which one I chose, no?”
Daniel started. In Thestral society, being expelled from your family was more than just a punishment; it was a denial of existence. The expelled would have their names erased from the family records, and all of their belongings burned in front of them. They were the pariahs of society, undeserving of sympathy or even acknowledgement. It was no wonder she was reluctant to talk about it.
“What happened afterwards?”
“I survived. I took up every job under Her sacred moon. Laborer, farm hand, construction worker, whatever. During spare time, I would practice my skydancing. I would borrow books from the library under an assumed identity. So determined was I to become a Skydancer.”
“How did you end up in Canterlot?” Daniel asked.
“Fate,” Starlight said. “A visiting business pony saw me practice one day, and he fell in love with me on the spot.” Starlight hissed, baring her fangs.
“Like a foal, I grew enamored with him. He brought me back to Canterlot with him; said he had connections in town, and that he could help me get a spot in the Canterlot ballet.”
Daniel put a hand on Starlight’s withers. “Then what happened?”
Starlight reached into her mane and pulled out a photograph. “Here,” Daniel took the little dog-eared photograph. A disheveled Starlight was laying in a hospital bed, holding a light grey unicorn foal in her forelegs. “My son happened.” She smiled, pointing at her child. “Isn’t he beautiful?”
Daniel nodded, his heart melting like candle wax. If ponies themselves were adorable, pony foals were super adorable.
“His name is Slate.” Starlight said, wiping a tear from her cat-like eyes. “He’s the only good thing that bastard ever gave me.”
Starlight’s smile turned sour. “When I first learned that I was pregnant, the bastard promised to help. He said he would marry me, help support our child,"Starlight scowled. “When I woke up the next day, he was gone. The coward took all that he had and left me to fend for myself!”
Daniel clenched a fist. He knew all too well what that was like.
“I tried to get a good job: maid, cook, whatever there was, but nopony would hire me! I did not have enough money to return home, and my family certainly wouldn’t help me. With a foal on the way, I was needing some sort of income.” Starlight’s ears drooped. “All I had left was my body.”
Starlight gave a bitter smile and sniffed. ”In a way, are not so different after all. Your UN depends on you to do something you hate. My son depends on me to do the same. It is funny, no?”
Daniel sighed; even in magical pony worlds, fate could be a real bitch.
Starlight hissed. “And as for that bastard, I spit on the graves of his ancestors! May his piven rot off and his tongue-”
With that, Starlight exploded in an outburst of rage lapsing into her native language. From what Daniel could tell, it was a mixture of oaths of vengeance and comments about the stallion’s heritage. Each oath was more bitter and vindictive than the one before it. After a while, Starlight calmed down, like a storm slowly losing strength. Hot, bitter tears trickled down her cheeks. “Sorry.”
Daniel walked up to the distraught mare and gently scratched her behind her tufted ears. She chirred. The old ear scratch. Works every time.
“You are the first, you know.”
“Come again?” Daniel said.
“My clients, they usually treat me like some toy, to be used once and then discarded. They do not care what I feel, only what I can do for them.
But you are different. You are the first to treat me as a mare.”
Starlight jumped up on Daniel like a friendly dog, wrapping her forelegs around his chest.
“Thank you.”
Daniel returned the embrace. A gentle warmth spread through his chest. Sometimes, that's all you really need. A hug.
A massive yawn escaped Daniel’s mouth, almost cracking his jaw in half. “I think it’s time we headed back, what do you say?”
Starlight yawned as well. “You are right. The babysitter will not wait forever.”
The two clambered back into the carriage and traveled back to Old Town.
“Stop!” Starlight commanded.
The carriage stopped in front of a rundown tenement house. Starlight disembarked quickly. “Here is where I will get off.”
“Well, Ms Starlight, thank you. You really helped me out. ”
“It is I who should thank you.” Starlight said. She started towards the door, then stopped. “Wait, are we not forgetting the matter of payment?”
“Oh, of course!” Daniel took out his bit purse and dug through it. “Lets see... I know I had it—there they are!” Daniel exclaimed and fished out
three platinum bits. He pressed the silvery coins into Starlight’s hoof. “Here you are.”
The thestral’s eyes somehow grew larger. “This—this is three times the usual fee. I cannot…”
“Starlight, I’m one of the most overpaid men alive. If I want to give you six hundred bits, then I’ll give you six hundred bits.” Daniel patted her on the head. “It should let you take a week or so off of work.”
The thestral held onto the coins with both hooves, as if she expected them to fly away at any moment. “I—I—.” Her voice cracked. She reared up on her hind legs and wrapped her forelegs around Daniel’s chest. ”Thank you so much!” Two pillowy lips pressed against his cheek.
Daniel blushed. Kissed by a thestral. One more thing to cross off his bucket list.
With that, Starlight climbed off of Daniel and turned around.
“Oh, Starlight?”
The Batpony turned around. “Yes?”
“Will you be here a week from now?”
Starlight smirked. “I will not be going anywhere. Why? You are inclined to try some of my other services, no?” She gave a teasing chitter.
“Uh, no.” Daniel blushed.
“I am kidding. After the kindness you showed me, you are being the only person who I would refuse service.” Her expression grew serious. “And it would be breaking my heart if you ever wanted it.” She nuzzled his leg. “But, I would be most happy to talk to you again.”
Daniel smiled.“Does next week work for you?”
Starlight smiled. “It is a date.”
With that, Starlight walked into the tenement house. “Until then, Daniel,” she said, then shut the door.
Daniel slowly closed the carriage door. “Driver”
“Yes, Mr. Ambassador?”
“Take us home.”
As the carriage left Old Town, Canterlot’s sophisticated side began reasserting itself; Mr. Hyde turning back into Dr. Jekyll. The buildings became less rundown, as if entropy was running in reverse. The ponies became better dressed, more refined.
Not that it made that much of a difference.
Daniel lay back in his seat. He was beat. His muscles ached like he’d walked a thousand miles. His jaw hurt from constant yawning, while his skull felt like it’d been stuffed with cotton. And you know what, he felt good.
No, not good. Great. Despite his exhaustion, for the first time he felt relaxed, tranquil even. It was as if he’d just set down a heavy load he didn’t even know he was carrying. For once, he might actually get a good night’s sleep.
Basking in his newly found bliss, Daniel remembered something. He pulled out his day planner. Yes. His maid, Featherduster, was retiring in a week. He’d need to find a replacement.
