Don't Mug Me, I'm Armed
Pinkie felt the barrel of a gun jammed into her side.
“Don't run,” rasped a voice in her ear. “Just hand over all your valuables and everything will be fine.”
Quivering, Pinkie began to remove objects from her hair. The first was a plate of strawberry cupcakes with vanilla icing. Next she pulled out a foam finger, a pencil case, an anthropology textbook, a walking stick, a dog collar, her impassive pet alligator Gummy, and five balloons.
“That all you got?” demanded the mugger angrily.
Pinkie hesitated. She did have one more thing, but she wasn't certain the mugger would be interested in it. Regardless, she sighed and produced one last object, sliding it out from her left ear.
The mugger jumped away in shock and fear as the previously defenseless mare removed a hunting rifle from her ear, drawing it out inch by inch. As he watched, dumbstruck, the pink pony grasped the rifle in her hooves and aimed it at the astonished criminal. Dropping his own weapon, the mugger turned and fled screaming from the dark alleyway.
Pinkie watched his retreat, bemused.
Where's that silly billy going in such a hurry?
Shrugging, she pointed the “hunting rifle” at herself and shot a stream of vanilla frosting into her mouth.
All's Mail That Ends Mail
Dear ACME Toy Company,
I am writing to tell you that I am a little displeased with one of your products. I recently ordered an Easy Cake Oven from your company's ~~way too big~~ prestigious catalog. I was initially pleased. The sleek design and abundance of pink was excellent. But I am sorry to inform you that ~~it actually sucks~~ that is where its positive features end. As a professional baker, I can sense a shoddy oven miles away. While the desserts were delicious, this oven really isn't large enough to accommodate my daily intake of sugar. It takes far too long to prepare the required number of cakes and the serving size leaves much to be desired. I request that you return my ~~borrowed~~ hard-earned bits at once. I will send back the oven as soon as Rarity is finished making her mini quiche.
Sincerely,
Pinkamena Diane Pie
P.S. Enclosed is a free brownie. Have a nice day.
Dr. Sparkle and Ms. Pinkie
Twilight stared at her clipboard. The results was impossible, yet the physical evidence stood directly in front of her.
“It's not possible. Pinkie, you've been eating nothing but ice cream and cupcakes for five hours. How are you not sick?”
Pinkie shrugged. Grinning cheerfully, she finished off her seventieth cupcake and reached for another.
Frustrated, Twilight stormed over to the pink mare and forced her jaws open. She leaned in close, as if expecting an explanation to be written on Pinkie's teeth or tongue.
“Where does it all go?!” she demanded impatiently. “Nopony can...”
Twilight screamed as she was sucked into the literal black hole that was Pinkie Pie's stomach.
Try Another Day
Twilight rushed into the throne room with a folder held in her magic.
“Princess Celestia, I have it!” she announced breathlessly. “It took years of research, hours of experiments, and a defibrillator, but I finally have it!”
Princess Celestia stared at her former student, confused.
“Have what, Princess Twilight?”
Twilight waved the folder excitedly. She was practically bursting with happiness at the conclusion of her long journey.
“The answer to life!” she replied dramatically. “The explanation for our existence, the meaning of the universe, the beginning and end of the world we live in!”
Unable to conceal it any longer, she opened the folder to display its contents and prove her genius.
Inside the folder were several photographs of a pink posterior obviously created using a copy machine.
Twilight stared at the photographs, her eyes wide in disbelief. She dropped the folder and gaped at it. All of her hard work...all of her sleepless nights and calculations...all of her nervous breakdowns....the alarming intake of coffee....
“PIIIIINKIE!” she wailed.
Despicable Three
Pinkie addressed her clones sternly.
“Alright, mares. You have your orders and you must carry them out. I don't want to see any crying or whining or cracking under pressure. You three have been entrusted with this sacred mission and you three alone must succeed!”
The clones nodded as one in consent. They knew their orders and all that was at stake.
A moment later, the first clone took her place at the computer. Wearing a look of intense concentration, she opened the game “Cookie Clicker” and began her round. Many long, torturous hours were ahead, but she was determined to do her commander proud.
“That's the spirit!” Pinkie uttered encouragingly. “With that attitude, we can make it to five trillion!”
I Get a Lick Out of You
“Hey Rarity, lick my hoof!”
Rarity raised her eyebrows at Pinkie Pie, but reluctantly did as she was told.
“Sweet Celestia, it does taste like chicken!”
Dun dun DUN!
Fluttershy was nervous.
“Pinkie, I have a confession. I'm.......a Changeling.”
Pinkie smiled calmly, as if she heard news like this every day. She put her hoof around the mare in a companionable manner.
“Don't worry, Fluttershy. I have a secret, too.”
At this point, the Earth pony known as “Pinkie Pie” at last shed her disguise and revealed her true identity.
“I'm not Pinkie Pie. My real name is Andrea Libman.”
Kill Dash (Vol. 1)
Pinkie decided the best method of killing Rainbow Dash involved patience. She need only wait, subtle and calm, until that fateful day. Nopony would suspect. On the day of the funeral, no accusatory eyes would be on Pinkamena Diane Pie.
“Hey Dashie, would you like a three-layer cake? On the house!”
And so the slow process of killing Rainbow Dash began. Every day for two years, Pinkie would tempt the blue pegasus with cakes, cookies, cupcakes, brownies, and every other delicious treat she could imagine. Steadily, Rainbow Dash grew fatter and fatter. She simply couldn't resist the free snacks. Eventually her body would give up on her and Pinkie Pie would have successfully killed the rainbow-maned pegasus.
But Rainbow Dash soon craved not only sweets. She began to devour all the houses in Ponyville. When this was completed and she had ballooned in size, she moved on to Canterlot. The Royal Guards attempted to stop her, but their spears did nothing to her soft, pudgy exterior. She finished off every single scrap of food in the massive city, and then moved on to the businesses and homes. She even consumed the clothing in all the local boutiques before the boutiques themselves. Then she moved on to Canterlot Castle, again ignoring the Royal Guards and their efforts to stop her.
Pinkie, standing where Sugarcube Corner had once been, wondered how many years in the (soon to be eaten) dungeon this was worth.
A Rose Luck By Any Other Name
Rose Luck, for reasons known only to her, wanted to be Pinkie Pie. She spent hours in her cottage, bathing herself in pink dye as to change the color of her fur, re-styling and re-coloring her mane, putting on contacts, and using make-up to change her Cutie Mark. She then practiced some of Pinkie's signature facial expressions in the mirror. As a final detail, Rose Luck managed to change her voice, making it sound lighter, more childish and carefree.
Rainbow Dash was the first to meet “Rose Pie”. She was lounging on a cloud when she noticed the pink equine passing underneath.
“Yo, Pinkie!” she called, leaning over the side. “Nice weather we're having, huh?”
She gestured to the clear sky above them, smirking at her handiwork.
Rose Luck laughed, snorting between her giggles. She waved to Rainbow Dash and trotted on, humming Pinkie's song about smiling to herself.
At the market, Applejack was having a disagreement with Berry Punch. Berry Punch wanted to pay only half the price for a bushel of apples because she felt they were too “low quality” to demand that amount of bits. Furious, Applejack had refused the offer and taken it as an insult. The equally incensed mares were having a loud shouting match. Many ponies had gathered to watch the impromptu show.
Rose Luck intervened. She stepped between the feuding ponies with a wide grin on her features. To the delight of the crowd, she began to sing about the importance of fairness. The song touched on all the main points of the fight and resolved them through clever lyrics.
At the end of the song, Applejack and Berry Punch shook hooves. The latter agreed to pay full price and apologized for her nasty remarks. The former accepted the apology and was courteous enough to throw in two apple fritters at no extra charge.
Her work done, Rose Luck went to Sugarcube Corner to see if the Cakes had any errands for her to run.
Mr. and Mrs. Cake greeted her fondly when she arrived and told her they needed a delivery made. An important cake was expected at a filly's birthday party in twenty minutes.
She accepted the job at once, saluting her employers. Rose Luck then went into the kitchen to retrieve the cake, as well as a cupcake or two for the road. As she strode into the kitchen, she passed another pink pony with a poofy mane and balloons for her Cutie Mark.
“Hi, Rose Luck!” Pinkie greeted her double.
Rose Luck raised her eyebrow. She didn't know who this mare was speaking to. Her name was certainly Pinkamena Diane Pie, not “Rose Luck”. However, she quite liked that name and wondered if she might feel the need to use it in the future.
Loading the cake into her delivery wagon, Rose Luck thought about the other pony. As much difficulty as she apparently had with names, Rose had admired the other pony's style.
Not many ponies could pull off that rose-colored mane, she thought.
Giggling, Rose Luck finished loading the cake and started off.
Sinking Ships
Pinkie examined the pony-shaped figures on the chessboard before her. Rather than using the board for its usual purpose, she was employing it for a much higher cause. The fate of Equestria depended on her skill. If she could do this correctly, she would be a hero among ponies.
“Here we go!”
Pinkie started moving the figures around the board, paying attention to the labels she'd given them.
“We'll put Time Turner with Rose Luck, Derpy Hooves with Troubleshoes...... Twilight and....Flash Sentry? No, no! Twilight and....Rainbow Dash? Yes, that's it! And Fluttershy obviously has to go with Big Macintosh. Or does she go with Discord? And who does Rarity go with? Um....Applejack? Yes! Fluttershy definitely goes with Mac and Applejack goes with Rarity...probably. Lyra goes with Bon-Bon and....Apple Bloom with Spike? Or is that Sweetie Belle? Or....Scootaloo? Come on, Pinkie, you can't mess up now! The whole country is counting on you! Spike goes with....Sweetie Belle. No, Apple Bloom...
Pinkie Pie put her head in her hooves. This was far more difficult than she had assumed it would be.
Pinkie Pie, Licensed....Dentist...?
Pinkie Pie turned off the water in the sink. She had just finished washing her hooves and cleansing the various equipment she planned to utilize. Wiping her hooves with a towel, she turned to the patient.
“What seems to be the problem, Mr. Gummy?” she inquired professionally.
Gummy blinked at her. He was confused. A minute ago he'd been taking a walk near the Everfree Forest. At some point he'd been seized and brought to this enclosed space without dirt or grass. And now this obviously unstable equine was speaking to him in her own language.
“I see,” Pinkie uttered, nodding as if he'd answered. “You want to get rid of those bothersome teeth.”
She retrieved a pair of magical pliers. Although the implement appeared violent, the spell cast on it enabled one to simply point it at the offending object and it would be removed painlessly.
“This won't hurt a bit,” Pinkie promised.
Gummy flicked his tongue at a passing fly. When this was over, he must somehow speak to this mare about her irrational behavior. He thought it might stem from parental neglect of some kind, or perhaps as a rebellion against adulthood itself. He had several books to that effect he could peruse if this pony would allow him.
Pinkie removed Gummy's teeth with care. As promised, he felt nothing. When it was over, the small alligator experienced a fleeting sense of loss. He adored his teeth. They were always the correct amount of sharp. But if he was going to cure this pony, he'd have to cope with being toothless for the time being. He could conduct a psychological evaluation without teeth, he surmised.
Satisfied, Pinkie fed Gummy a cupcake and patted his scaly head.
Tasting the odd, but delightful, food, Gummy decided to postpone his evaluation.
Wubcakes
Pinkie wanted to know if one could eat wubs. She thought it was at least somewhat possible. Just yesterday, she had heard Vinyl telling somepony outside of the bar he was going to receive a “mouthful of wubs”. She'd sounded drunk at the time, but Pinkie took the words to heart. She began to think wubs could indeed be eaten.
The recipe was the hardest part. The ingredients were nearly impossible to come by on the mainstream market. She found a lot of bass, yet the electronic was difficult to locate. The riffs presented an even bigger challenge. And she never did manage to find anypony selling treble. She had to use baking powder as filler.
The baking itself was easy. Granted, the fog in the kitchen was unbearable, but it wasn't toxic. Near the end of the process, the whole oven began to vibrate. It spread rapidly to the floor. Soon the whole building was shaking. Fortunately, all became calm when the baking was done. Pinkie Pie removed the “wubcakes” from the oven with a satisfied grin.
Unfortunately, as soon as she took a bite, a massive vibration went through Pinkie's mouth. Her teeth were shattered and her ears were filled with pounding bass.
Thus nopony else, not even Vinyl, got to taste a magnificent wubcake.
