Twilight Takes Pinkie To The Dentist a.k.a. The Worst Idea Ever
by WeirdBeard (and a delicious bagel)
Some days I'm as dumb as a box of rocks. And then I write oddities like this.
"No!"
"Pinkie! Stop it right now, you're coming with me!"
"She's doing what now, Twi?"
"Not now, Spike!"
"I'm not going! You can't make me!"
Twilight angrily groaned and released Pinkie from her magical aura. Pinkie kept her impossible hold on the ceiling and glared down at them. The argument had been going on for well over an hour with no progression made on either side. It started merely as a small discovery that Pinkie had a cavity in her back teeth. Twilight wanted to experiment a simple spell right then, but Pinkie was extremely opposed to this notion.
"I told you, Twilight! Only the sweets, the whole sweets, and nothing but the sweets are allowed in my mouth," Pinkie loudly stated. She emphasized this by extending a hoof and pointing at the surrounding confections in the bakery. "So help me Celestia!"
Spike sighed and muttered, "Why can't we ever have a normal day around here?" He continued grumbling as he exited the main doors.
"Spiiike! Ugh, nevermind! Pinkie, all it takes is a few seconds! If you won't let me help you, at least go to the dentist," Twilight replied in exasperation.
Pinkie gasped. "Are you crazy?!" she immediately asked. She released her hold on the ceiling and bounced directly in front of Twilight. "The dentist is the biggest grumpy mean meanie pants in all of Equestria! Ever!"
Twilight's eyes widened from Pinkie's outburst. If the bakery hadn't been empty of ponies before, then it definitely was now. "What are you talking about? The dentist is a fine pony!"
"Then you don't know the truth! I was so scared when I went there, it was the worst day of my life! Why it all started whe-"
"Pinkie! What's happening to the walls?!" Twilight questioned, frightened from the now unstable room that wobbled and waved.
Pinkie shook her head discouragingly. "It's a flashback, Twilight, c'mon and focus! Now as I was saying-"
~~~Flashback!~~~
"-it happened when I was an itty-bitty, little-little, twinky Pinkie." The scenery soon transformed into a darkened room. A dimly-lit lantern hung above a metal chair where a tiny, pink foal sat. The small pony looked terrified and out of place in the enormous chair.
Pinkie continued her narration. "It was right after Nightmare Night and my parents were worried about how much candy I had eaten."
"This... what is... never mind, been through questions like these before. Alright, what was your costume that year?" Twilight asked. She was still adjusting to the sudden change, but knew better than to question reality with Pinkie Pie.
"Cotton candy. Shh! Watch!" Pinkie quietly commanded. Her younger self whimpered at the sound of approaching hoof-steps. A shadowy outline of a pony in a white lab coat soon appeared.
"Why hello, Pinkie Pie. How are you?" the pony asked, its voice deep and ominous. The dentist's face couldn't be seen; the reflection of light from the worn goggles produced a somewhat blinding and frightening effect.
Mini Pinkie squeaked in fear. Her eyes darted around in search of an escape, but all options were cut off when the dentist leaned over her. She cowered further into the cold, metal chair.
The dentist chuckled quietly, but the action terrified Pinkie even more. A menacingly sharp tool was levitated towards the two. "C'mon, Pinkie, I just want to see those pearly whites. Let's put a smile on that face."
"AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!" the tiny foal screamed shrilly. She launched out of the chair, leaving only a pink blur behind as she escaped.
~~~Unflashback!~~~
"And then my dad was all 'No sweet foh you!' and I couldn't believe it! How could WeirdBeard make such a lame reference to a classic joke from Seinfe-"
"Pinkie, the flashback's over," Twilight responded flatly.
Pinkie's eyes glanced wildly across the room. "Oh! Right. Anyway, that's why I'm never going to the dentist!"
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Pinkie, this is ridiculous! Even if you didn't have a cavity, you should still go just for a check-up. It's a miracle that your teeth are as white as they are with how many sweets you eat."
"Oh that's not a miracle, silly. I bleach them every night with frosting. Now instead of just one sweet tooth, I have a whole set of sweet teeth!" the party pony replied happily. Just for show, she licked her front teeth and smiled. "Mmmmm!"
'It's just Pinkie, it's just Pinkie,' Twilight repeated to herself in thought. The situation still stood at a stalemate and no resolution had made itself known yet. Simple reason wasn't going to get Pinkie to go to the dentist. At that realization, Twilight thought of something absolutely crazy. So crazy that it just might work.
"You know Pinkie, I heard that there's really good laughing gas there. Why, I bet tha-WAAAAAHHH!" Twilight screamed, her proposition interrupted by Pinkie Pie grabbing her and rocketing out of the bakery.
Pinkie hollered, "It's 4:20 somewhere!"
WARNING: This story does not condone the use of drugs at all. That was a tasteless joke that I'm going to burn in hell for someday. "Nah, just more dislikes than you can shake a hoof at!" Oh Pinkie, right you are once again! We now return you to your regularly scheduled program. "Don't touch that dial!"
~~One heaping hoof-ful of laughing gas later.~~
"Hehehehehehehehehehehahahahahahahahahahahahehehehe," Pinkie giggled. Her laughing echoed without end through the hallways of the dental office. Even her chair rocked from the constant shuffling exerted. "Ohohohoho, this is the best day ever! I hope this never ends, hahahaha!"
Twilight sat in the opposite corner, supporting her head with a hoof on the counter. At first it was a joy to the unicorn that Pinkie came on her own accord along with her infectious laughter. However, it had already been twenty minutes since Pinkie was given the dose. Needless to say, it was starting to drive Twilight a bit bonkers. "Guhh! Where is that dentist?" she asked. One of the assistants had helped Pinkie and Twilight as soon as they crashed through the entrance, but since giving the laughing gas, nopony had entered. 'Must charge by the hour,' Twilight thought.
Finally, the dentist kicked open their room door. "Alright! Doctor Gold Molar at your service. Sorry for the wait, fillies. All of today's patients came in at the wrong time," he excused. Gold Molar was a rather unique looking unicorn; his coat was an off-white color that somehow complemented his amber-toned mane. He kept it cut relatively short along with his trimmed tail. A tooth with a gold crown adorned his flank and seemingly reflected from the lighting.
"Hehahahehehe, wrong time? What do you mean?" Pinkie asked. Twilight muttered an inaudible prayer in hopes that the dentist wouldn't say what she thought he was about to say.
"C'mon, you know. Tooth-hurty!" Gold joked. Pinkie burst out laughing yet again while Twilight groaned loudly. Fillies and gentlecolts, this is one of those dentists. The ruthless type that milk every bad joke and dental pun ever known in our existence. All while they think they're the hottest comedic thing since singing ducks. If Twilight didn't know she was in for a rough time, she certainly did now. The dentist noticed her lack of enthusiasm and replied, "I know I know. The tooth hurts."
'Merciful Celestia, anything but puns,' Twilight thought. She should have known from the exterior of the building. The offices and waiting rooms were fairly normal, but outside was a whole different story. The whole construction was shaped like a giant tooth, impossibly staying white no matter the weather. It wouldn't be so garish if the windows weren't decorated into a faux pas of a smile on the building. All that didn't matter now, there were bigger problems at hand. "Wait a second, where's Co-"
"Ah ah ah! We don't say that name around here. That rascally pony is on probation right now. Got a bit too filled into the job," the dentist wise-cracked again. Pinkie guffawed louder and leaned back into the chair as she tried to restore her breathing back to normal. Gold pounced onto his wheeled stool and slid over to Pinkie's chair. "Okay, you know the drill. Say 'Ahhh'."
"Ahhhhhahaha!" Pinkie giggled. She managed to open her mouth for Gold to take a look. He examined each tooth thoroughly before discovering the offending cavity. Twilight closed her eyes and tried to ignore the annoying actions of the dentist.
"Well well well. Looks like this tooth is the root of our problems!" Gold exclaimed.
"That's it! I've had it!" Twilight shouted. Her patience had finally given out and rage was kicking in. She knocked over Gold's chair and performed the spell she wanted to earlier on her friend. Pinkie's cavity was suddenly filled in painlessly and easily. "We're done here! Pinkie, brush more! Floss! Whatever, just take care of your teeth!"
Pinkie frowned and whispered, "Okay."
"And you!" Twilight accused, shaking a hoof at Gold Molar. He cowered on the floor as she approached him. "If you so much as think of another bad pun for the rest of your life, I will personally extract every single one of your teeth! C'mon, Pinkie, we're leaving!"
The two exited quickly, leaving the dentist still on the floor. He shook his head and rubbed his eyes. "Guess I better mol-"
Twilight zipped back into the room to interrupt him. "Don't you dare finish that," she commanded. She glared at him as she backtracked through the door, keeping her eyes on him.
The laughing gas was soon fading away from Pinkie's system as they left the building. She looked puzzled over something as they trotted along. Finally, she asked, "Twilight, who was the other pony you were talking about in there?"
"Oh, just an old friend. She's very passionate about dentistry; I was surprised to hear she was on probation," Twilight explained.
Pinkie cocked her head. "Why would she be on probation?"
"Well, you might know her. Her name is Col-"
"TWILIGHT!" a voice called out. They looked about wildly until the dental pony revealed herself on top of the dental office. Colgate grinned madly at them and jumped from the roof with a giant toothbrush in her grasp. "BRUSHIE BRUSHIE!"
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Fin.
A/N: Ah ha ha ha, oh ho ho ho ha. And you thought your jokes were bad. Just a quick one-shot idea I had, I hope you had a few good chuckles from it. Thanks for reading!
