Big Mac's Dick Is Made Of Pancakes
Big Mac's... why are we talking about this?
Big Mac grunted as he opened his eyes, his vision blurry as the predawn light shined on his face. Blinking twice, he yawned and rolled onto his back, staring up at the ceiling before noticing his blankets were poking into the air.
“Oh no,” he murmured as he lifted the edge of the blanket.
His eyes went wide as he saw the monstrosity under the sheets. Jamming his blanket back down, he pressed his hooves to his eyes and groaned. It happened again. Why? Why was this still happening? Last time was bad enough, but now he had—
“Hey, Big Mac! You’re not sleeping in, are ya?”
His eyes widened in horror as he heard Applejack’s hooffalls approaching his door.
“Eeeyup!” he replied.
“Then what in tarnation are you doing in your room? We got to get started early or the fruit bats’ll be in the west orchards before we get there!”
Big Mac gulped hard as he heard the doorknob jiggle. There was no way Applejack would like this.
“I know, but I’ll be out in a minute,” he said, his tone an octave higher than normal. “I, uh, got something I need to—erm—take care of first.”
Silence echoed from the hallway and Big Mac held his breath, hoping Applejack would leave. The doorknob shook once more, however, and the door swung open. In the doorway stood his younger sister, frowning with concern.
“You didn’t sprain your…” she said before her eyes locked onto the tent in the bedsheets.
Big Mac smiled nervously as Applejack’s eyes shrunk to pinpricks, her lips pursing like she ate a lemon.
“Big Mac, you better have been dreaming about Miss Cheerilee or some other mare, you hear me?” Applejack said as she took a step forward, causing Big Mac to wince.
“Eenope,” he said, his cheeks burning. Sheepishly, he lifted the blanket from himself and glanced at the cause of his morning problem.
Immediately, Applejack screamed in frustration at what she saw. Resting between Big Mac’s legs was not his penis, but something more horrifying.
“What in tarnation! Is your dick made of pancakes now?” she roared.
Big Mac glanced at the odd protrusion from his body, noting the light and fluffy texture of the breakfast pastries pointing straight into the air. There was about ten of them wrapped into a cylindric shape, blossoming at the tip like a strange flower. Around the petals, melted butter and maple syrup sparkled in the morning sunlight.
“No, no no no no no no no no. This ain’t happening. Discord said there would be no side effects! He said everything would return to normal!”
Big Mac cringed as he looked over his blanket, noting the wet and sticky patch where his new pancake penis had been resting. Horrifying images of Granny Smith’s face popped into his mind as he thought of how he was going to explain this to her when it became laundry day. His thought train broke, though, as an orange hoof reached out to touch his pancake dick.
“It better not leave bruises like last time,” Applejack grumbled as she prodded the soft and squishy pancake. She flinched instantly, but the pancake stack didn’t move. Looking back at it, Applejack put her hoof back to the pancakes and gently poked a little harder before running her hoof up to the blossom at the top. As her hoof reached the tip, the outer pancake snapped off and smacked her in the face, causing her to yelp and stumble back as the pancake flopped off her face and landed on the floor with a wet smack.
“Damn it, Big Mac!” she yelled as she rubbed her face, noting the sticky mess the pancake left. “What is with you today?”
Big Mac gulped again but smirked faintly. “I guess I’ve been a little pent up.”
Applejack glared at him as a large glob of maple syrup ran down her right cheek. “This ain’t the time to be making jokes, Big Mac!”
Big Mac’s small smile dropped instantly as he looked down at himself. “I’m sorry, Applejack.”
Applejack wiped the syrup off and sighed. “No, I’m overreacting. It ain’t your fault you’re getting stuff like this happening to you. But hoo-ee, is Discord gonna get it today.”
“Applejack, you don’t need to—”
“Oh no, big brother, this is happening today whether he’s ready or not.”
Discord sat on the ceiling, sipping his tea and reading about the latest scandal in Ponyville when Fluttershy’s door nearly flew off its hinges. Glancing up, he chuckled to himself as Applejack stormed through the door, snorting like an angry bull.
“My, my, dear Applejack. To what do we owe this pleasure?” he said, glancing back at the newspaper.
“You know damn well why I’m here, Discord!” Applejack yelled as she glared up at him.
“Actually, no I don’t. Why are you here?”
“My brother’s problem is not fixed!”
Discord raised an eyebrow as he looked over the top of the newspaper at Applejack before lifting a small crumpet from the table floating beside him.
“Problem? What problem?”
“The one you gave him last time, you ass!”
Discord sucked his teeth as he folded the newspaper and set it on the table, looking down at Applejack with an unamused frown. “I already told you how to solve that problem, Missy. Don’t you start blaming me for everything that happens around here.”
“Then who else would turn my brother’s penis into an inanimate object?” Applejack shouted.
“I don’t know. Doesn’t Twilight transform objects all the time?”
Applejack stuttered at that statement. “What makes you think I would believe she transformed my brother’s penis?”
“Again, I don’t know. Doesn’t she like your brother or something?”
“No, she does not!”
“Are you sure?”
Applejack stuttered again. “Stop changing the subject! You made this mess, now you need to clean it up!”
Discord folded his arms before snorting. “Oh yes yes, you think that you can just order me around, don’t you? Well, I’m sorry to say this, but I’m completely booked for the day. I have some wonderful pottery classes that start in half an hour, then lunch with the Smooze, and after that it’s a meeting with Princess Celestia about the Canterlot Zoo mysteriously having all the locks on the cages disappear. So, unless you want to refund me the bits for missing my pottery class, I’m afraid you’ll have to find somepony else to solve this one.”
“Oh no you don’t!” Applejack roared. “You’re gonna fix this and, this time, it ain’t gonna happen again!”
“I’d really love to chat, but I must be going. Ta ta!”
Applejack yelled as she leaped to Discord, only to watch him disappear into a cloud of purple smoke. She landed and yelled once more as she ran out the door, leaving Fluttershy speechless as she stood in her bedroom doorway in her green bathrobe.
“D-Did I miss something?” she whispered to herself.
Big Mac sighed as he looked over his pancake dick once more, trying to see if there was any indication his real one was somehow inside or still part of the sticky mess. His ears twitched, however, as Applejack’s voice floated up the staircase outside his room.
“I’m real sorry for dragging you into this, but I ain’t got nopony else to trust.”
Big Mac heaved a sigh of relief, glad this was about to all be solved.
“Oh, it’s not a problem! I’m always fascinated to see chaos magic at work!”
His pupils shrunk to pinpricks. That wasn’t Discord’s voice from what he remembered. His terror turned to horror as Applejack trotted into the room, followed by the Princess of Friendship herself.
“Hi there, Big Mac!” Twilight said with a huge smile. “Applejack told me you need help with something?”
Big Mac stared in abject terror as Twilight’s eyes travelled down to his lap and locked onto his pile of messy breakfast food. Applejack sighed as she trotted over to the bed and looked at it closer.
“Yep, this here is the issue,” she said in a bored tone.
“Y-Your, uh, genitals… are made of… pancakes,” Twilight said slowly.
“E-Eeyup,” Big Mac answered.
“Can you fix this?” Applejack asked, turning back to Twilight.
Twilight blushed as she looked at the ground and kicked her hooves. “I, uh, I’ve never done a transformation spell on anything like t-this.”
“But you can do it, right?”
Twilight gulped and looked up into Applejack’s pleading eyes. Slowly, she nodded and relief spread across Applejack’s face.
“I know I could count on you,” she said with a large grin. “So, how does this here spell work?”
Twilight shook her head as she approached Big Mac, her cheeks still bright red. “It only w-works if I know what the object I’m, uh, transforming this into looks like.”
Applejack’s smile soured as fast as Big Mac’s jaw dropped. Twilight gave him a sheepish look before glancing back down to the pancakes.
“C-Could you, uh, please tell me what you p-p-penis l-looks like?” she asked.
Big Mac shifted his weight as he looked to the wall on his right. “It’s, uh, big and, um, kind of—”
“Oh, for Celestia’s sake!” Applejack shouted as she stomped up to his bed, glaring at the pile of pancakes. “We don’t have time for this!”
Reaching a hoof out, Applejack rubbed the closest pancake a few times before the pastry flew off and smacked her in the face again, spraying maple syrup and melted butter all over her face. Twilight yelped, but Applejack pulled the pancake off and placed it on the bed, reaching for another one as a thick glob of syrup ran down her brow and forced her to shut one eye. Glancing over to Twilight, Applejack snorted.
“Are you going to stand there and watch or help me?”
Apple Bloom closed the door after her last friend walked through, smiling widely at them. “Okay, Crusaders! Today’s the day we get our—”
A yelp from upstairs broke her train of thought as she turned to look up the staircase. Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo followed suit and Apple Bloom tilted her head.
“That don’t sound like my sister,” she said.
“Yeah, it kind of sounded like Princess Twilight,” Scootaloo chimed in.
“I thought you said nopony was here right now?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“I did. Applejack and Big Mac are supposed to be out harvesting apples and Granny Smith is over playing bingo with the other old ponies.”
Together, the three of them watched the staircase until another yelp rang out.
“Okay, that was definitely Applejack,” Scootaloo said, tilting her head.
“Wonder what they’re doing up there,” Sweetie Belle said.
“Let’s go check it out. We might be able to get our cutie marks for helping!” Apple Bloom said as a wide grin split her face.
The three fillies raced up the stairs, smiles plastered on their faces as they approached Big Mac’s door to see both Twilight and Applejack standing there with their backs to them.
“Hiya, big sis!” Apple Bloom yelled. “You need any help with…”
The three fillies smiles froze as Twilight and Applejack turned to them, their faces locked in horrified expressions. Thick strands of syrup covered their faces and dripped down onto the floor while a stack of pancakes sat on the bed, right next to Big Mac. The group stared at each other in stunned silence for a few seconds.
“Apple Bloom, this isn’t what—” Applejack managed to say before three terrified screams rang out in the room.
“Applejack, why are you doing that to Big Mac again? With Twilight too!” Apple Bloom screamed.
“Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!” Scootaloo shouted before making retching noises.
Sweetie Belle simply stopped screaming and fell to the floor, unconscious.
“I am never ever doing anything like that with a colt!” Apple Bloom yelled as she turned and ran out of the room.
Author's Note
I told you.
I regret nothing.
