Malicious Melons and Villainous Veggies
“Gah, I need a new career.”
Herbert Wilkinson huffed and puffed as he plodded down the street through the after-work crowds, pausing occasionally to run a fat hand through his greasy grey comb-over. His simple black business suit was stained with sweat, the buttons holding it on him bulging with the strain from his ample gut. He glanced up at the sky, the twin suns not low enough to avoid blasting him with their irritating heat.
His workday at the Infrastructure and Transport Authority – Pavonia II office had been as boring as ever, processing infringement notices and filing reports just like always. He hadn’t even gotten the raise he’d been hoping for, so his mood was less than joyful. Dinner, the deathball game on holo-tv, and his cat, Mittens, were the only things he was looking forward to.
Herbert weaved around the masses of people, almost all of them taller than he was. Instinctively he straightened when two police officers passed him, the blue-armoured lawmen casually talking to each other through their helmet speakers with their gauss-rifles held at their sides. He bit his bottom lip and hurried his pace past them, the weapons they held reminding him of memories he’d rather not remember.
Rounding the corner, he was met with a crowd of business people moving out of one of the many high-rise skyscrapers that dominated half of the continent, the hundreds of workers filing out onto the street.
‘Great,’ he thought to himself, wincing at the thought of being caught in the crowd. ‘Just what I need.’
Herbert searched for a way off the street, but the road was filled with all manner of vehicles and behind him advanced the workers from his own building. Along his path was nothing but yet more office buildings, both government and private, save for a dinky-looking store that seemed very out-of-place between the high-tech modern towers. The crowds were converging on him, Herbert already able to hear the din of their chatter over the sound of the cars and hover-taxis in the street.
With a racing heart, he took the only option available to him that didn’t involve facing one of his phobias.
His double chin flapped and his black business shoes pattered on the bland concrete as he raced to the dilapidated store. Frowning with distain at the antiquated wooden door with the old-timey ‘open’ sign hanging on it, he briefly hesitated before pushing it open and rushing inside.
The door creaked on its hinges and a little bell jingled, the dust falling from the top causing him to cough and splutter. Getting his breathing under control, Herbert moved forwards as the door shut behind him.
His eyes roamed around the room he was in, the benches bare save for the occasional spider web and a heavy coating of dust. A single ancient coin till sat on the main bench, a comical oddity considering the Empire hadn’t used physical currency for millennia. He turned to look outside of the shop, but the window was so grimy that he couldn’t even see the light from the suns.
“Welcome.”
“Ah!” Herbert whirled around, clutching his chest when his pulse sky-rocketed. A surprisingly normal man was smiling at him from behind the counter, the lanky fellow brushing a tiny fleck of dust off of his grey suit. Warm yellow eyes gave Herbert a once over, the smile turning into a slight smirk.
“Escaping the heat?” the shopkeeper chuckled, intertwining his fingers on the counter.
“No, the crowds,” Herbert wheezed, taking deep breaths to calm himself down. “My shrink blames it on my army days, you know how it is.” He shuddered. “Gah, being packed in all together…”
An eyebrow was raised, but the smile remained. “Well, you won’t find any crowds in here, much to my misfortune. Surprisingly, this planet seems very disinterested with the wonderful wares that I offer.”
“Probably because this place looks like it’s from the thirteenth-century,” observed Herbert, trying to once again peer outside. “Who knows what diseases could be living here.”
“Hmm, quite.”
As he turned back around, Herbert could have sworn that the man had been scowling at him. However, the same smile was on the gentleman’s face, putting him at ease.
“Anyway,” the shopkeeper continued with a wave of his hand. “While you’re here, would you care to browse my wares? I have wondrous wizzmos, amazing artifacts, and stupendous scrim-scrumpets.” Yellow eyes once again traced Herbert’s form. “I sense in you a yearning for adventure, an escape from your dull life of working all day with little acknowledgement.”
“I… I have a cat,” Herbert mentioned, before the shopkeeper cut him off with a spread of his arms.
“Or does the cat have you?” the man questioned, before doing a twirl. “I assure you, my friend, such a chance should not be passed up.”
Herbert made a pointed glance around the store. “I don’t see anything for sale.”
The shopkeeper held up a finger with a smile, before ducking underneath the counter to return with a black helmet attached to a breathing apparatus. “This item will provide endless entertainment, as the wearer will become the scourge of an entire galaxy!”
Herbert took a step back and shook his head. “Uh… that’s not really something I’d like.”
‘By the System, this man is insane!’
“Not one for the dark side then,” the shopkeeper murmured, before ducking down and standing back up. This time a simple cap with a red-and-white ball logo in the middle was held out. “How about this? Become a master of creatures, forming a mighty team to beat the competition? You can be the very best, and possibly catch them all!”
Wincing, Herbert instinctively gave his crotch a scratch. The only ‘catch them all’ he knew of was an old term he’d learnt in the army that involved rec-leave and many different alien whorehouses. Such an experience, while very exciting and eye-opening at the time, was not one he wanted to repeat.
“Oh no,” he shook a hand. “Absolutely not.”
“So picky. Fine then, what about… this?”
The cap was returned and instead another item of headwear was offered. Herbert stared at the dark green solid band, a peak made of hard plastic the only protection from sunlight.
“The hell is that supposed to be?”
“A mystical hat of wondrous proportions,” the shopkeeper answered, glancing around as if afraid of eavesdroppers. “Formed from some of the most magical of fabrics, this Greengrocer’s Hat-“
“Greengrocer?” Herbert interrupted, earning a sigh from the shopkeeper. “You mean like a farmer?”
“No,” came the reply with a roll of the eyes. “A greengrocer sells fruits and vegetables, a farmer farms them. It’s a completely different thing.” The shopkeeper muttered to himself afterwards. “So much for an ‘advanced’ society.”
Setting his briefcase down, Herbert crossed his arms. “I work for the government, not an agriculture world.”
“Relax, I meant absolutely no offense. Now, are you interested?”
Herbert stared at the hat, wondering if the insane man would let him leave peacefully if he just bought it. It was shoved closer to him, and waggled at him.
“I have always wanted a garden, and I do like fruit,” he muttered.
“Good enough!” the strange man exclaimed happily. “With this, you’ll have all the fruit you could ever want… and then some.”
‘Well that’s… ominous.’ He glanced at his wrist, his holo-watch showing that he was already very late. ‘It’s just a stupid hat though.’
Herbert reached out and took the hat, trying it on while retrieving his credit chip with his other hand. “So, how much do I have to pay for it?”
The shopkeeper slammed his hands down on the desk and laughed hard, neither of the two noticing the jingle of a tiny bell. Herbert’s breath caught in his throat and his briefcase dropped to the ground with a thud when the yellow eyes looked up with an evil glow.
“Oh, far more than you could possibly imagine!, Mr Wilkinson!”
“Wait, you know my-!?”
Herbert disappeared with a magical puff of pink smoke, not even getting the chance to scream. The shopkeeper continued to cackle while wiping his eyes, before finally beginning to calm down.
“Ha, that one will be so much better than some random teenager!”
He snorted with mirth, before a loud clearing of the throat drew his attention. Looking up, his smile fell when he saw who had managed to sneak in without him noticing.
Two blue-armoured police officers were standing inside of his shop, reflective silver helmet visors hiding their expressions from him. Judging from the way they were pointing their weapons at him and had just witnessed the disappearance caused by his hand, he doubted they were very happy.
“Ha, now officers,” he struggled out with a nervous chuckle, raising his hands and trying to think of a quick way out. “Let’s not be hasty. Look, I have this wonderful briefcase and Pokemon Trainer’s hat if you’d just…”
He trailed off as the small barrel on the underside of the officers’ weapons glowed blue, his attempts at bribery having failed. Sighing, he shrugged and prepared to face his fate.
‘Eh, I haven’t had the chance to break out of an actual prison before anyway.’
Taking a deep breath, he faced the two lawmen with a brave face.
There was one thing that he had always wanted to, no, needed to say since he had heard it. Faced with two angry cops, it was the perfect time.
“Don’t taze me br-!”
He didn’t get to finish, two blue bolts sending thousands of volts of electricity through him.
The shopkeeper dropped like a sack of potatoes to the floor, a wide and victorious grin on his paralysed face while the policemen rushed past the forgotten briefcase to cuff him.
‘So… worth it…’ he thought, right before a rifle-butt to the forehead knocked him into sleepy-time.
“Huh? What? Why do I… taste schnitzel?”
Herbert opened his eyes and pushed himself off of the damp ground. Standing to his feet, he recoiled at the completely alien smell of his surroundings.
He stared out at the murky forest that he was in, the scent of leaves and trees certainly not the wooden shop that he remembered. A glance downwards likewise caused alarm, his suit replaced by cream-coloured pants, shirt, and a vertically-striped green and white apron. His hands went to his head, the greengrocers hat firm on his noggin.
“The… what?” he continued to murmur, his brain trying to process the situation. It was cloudy however, and through the fog in his mind he could swear that he was remembering his life as a bureaucrat less and less.
All ponding and soul-searching was unfortunately interrupted right as he realised he had forgotten just why he was in a forest. A low growl alerted him to the approaching threat, Herbert stumbling back against a mossy tree when six pairs of eyes glowed in the darkness.
Bushes ruffled as a pack of vicious dog-things stalked out of the undergrowth, surrounding him in a circle that was fast closing.
They were far larger than the mutts that often chased poor Mittens, however. These ones looked more like the wolves that used to be abundant on Terra, except of flesh and bone there was instead bark and timber. A vile yellow sap dripped from splintery teeth, and vine-like tongues drooled at the prospect of a fat and juicy meal.
“Oh, come on,” Herbert trembled, glancing around as he was trapped. “I just got here, and I’m already being attacked by… plant-dogs.”
The atmosphere changed, his hand groping for a nearby stick that was resting against the tree. The spark of aggression shattered the eerie forest calm, as the largest wolf jumped right at him with its teeth aimed at his plump throat.
Herbert’s hand did not make the stick in time. Pinned against the tree, he had but one option open to him.
He closed his eyes, and waited for the end.
Then, just as the wolf growled mid-leap, his hat tingled.
“Arooo- Splat!.”
Herbert opened his eyes slowly when his throat wasn’t torn out, the wolf’s howl cut short by the impact of a large and heavy object. Those same eyes widened when he beheld his saviour, glistening orange skin a stark contrast to the dark and dank greens and browns of the forest.
A large and seemingly perfect pumpkin was a mere inch away from his nose, the colossal vegetable completely undamaged from the fall. Underneath it he could see a single splintered wolf leg, no trace of movement from the creature that had attacked him.
‘What the…?’ he questioned, looking up into the trees for any sign of the pumpkin’s origin. There was none, although he winced as a shocking burst of energy ran from his head towards his hand.
“Ah!” He shook his wrist to get rid of the feeling, only to be shocked motionless when a cascade of fresh raspberries seemed to fly from his fingers and fall onto the ground. “I… what is going on- Nrghh!”
Another sharp pain caused him to drop to his knees, Herbert clutching his head as the greengrocer’s hat tightened. Even his hardest efforts didn’t help remove it, the hat on firmly with no signs of ceasing its constricting.
“Argh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
The wooden wolves had been frozen in shock at the death of their alpha, but to their misfortune they had neglected to run away after their leader had met his demise.
The first one found his legs turned to cucumbers at Herbert’s cry, followed shortly by his body and then by his head.
The second burst into a magnificent shower of peaches, some even soaring up into the tree-tops.
The third only had time to utter a confused whimper before her head fell off, her body flopping to the ground in a crumble of wood shards. A single melon rolled away, lacking all trace of its previous form.
A rupturing sound heralded the end of the forth, the light in his eyes dying out as a steadily growing pile of bananas spilled out of his now-open trunk and raised his body towards the top of the trees.
The fifth and final wolf could only quiver on the spot while her pack-mates died, the once-proud beta reduced to a trembling twig of her former self. A low whine escaped her throat as Herbert’s yells died out, only to be replaced by a low chuckle.
“Huh, this actually… doesn’t feel as bad as I thought.” Herbert rose to his feet, a glint of malicious intelligence now present in his once-dull eyes. He clenched his fists, relishing the sheer power he felt flow through them. His voice was deeper, more threatening, more…
Evil.
A finger was raised towards the last remaining wolf, Herbert’s mouth curling into a grin.
“Play dead.”
Nothing happened for a few seconds, before the wolf’s eyes bulged and she began to panic.
“Ha, muhahaa! Ahahaha!”
There was a loud ‘pop!’ as the wolf exploded into a burst of red, yellow, and black. Cherries rained from the sky and bounced off the trees, Herbert opening his mouth to catch one rather pristine red cherry in-between his teeth.
He bit down, savouring the fruit before swallowing it with a gulp.
“Mmm,” he nodded, picking up another one and chewing thoughtfully. “Very juicy.” Looking at the pumpkin that was the first reminder of his incredible powers, he rubbed his hands together with glee. “That was fun, I must do it again… and again…”
He chuckled softly to himself, side-stepping around the pumpkin in preparation to begin walking. He cast it one last glance, smirking at the still-motionless remaining leg of the splattered wolf. Something triggered in his mind, pushing him to make his next, utterly villainous, choice.
“Pumpkin?” he questioned with a murderous laugh. “More like a squash, if you ask me. Ha!”
He continued to laugh at his own joke as he veered to his left, a sweet scent calling to him from the distance.
It was the smell of freshly-ripened apples.
A lot of them.
“Dang, that tub must be at least twice as full as the others.”
Applejack wiped her brow with a hoof, smiling with pride at the now fully-loaded cart of apples in the barn. It was all ready for sale, the next day’s market sure to bring in some much needed profit for the family farm. She continued to beam while patting the cart on the side, whistling to herself with a nod.
“Hoo boy, you fellers will fetch a fine price! Let’s see Carrot Top’s carrots top this haul!”
Backing out of the barn and closing the barn door, she turned to trot back to the farmhouse while the sun started to quickly sink below the horizon.
“Mmhm, I can certainly go for whatever Mac’s cooked up, I’m starved!”
She sniffed the air and sighed happily, not noticing the pair of sharp blue eyes that watched her from one of the apple-less tree-tops.
Applejack also, in her haste to get some of the best cooking in Equestria, failed to notice the haunting cackling as the watcher rubbed his hands together and plotted his most vilest act imagined.
“Are you sure that you don’t need help selling all of them apples? I’ll be good, I promise!”
Applejack grunted as the fully-laden wagon paused on a small bump in the path, but a little extra effort saw it crest the small obstacle and continue trundling behind her. Glancing at Applebloom, who was carrying the small money chest on her back, she sighed at the wide eyes that her sister was giving her.
“I don’t know, Bloom,” Applejack replied, glancing to the town ahead. “Last time you helped, we nearly lost more money than we earned. You can’t just force apples onto ponies like that.”
Her sister galloped out ahead, before turning around and trotting backwards so she could face her.
“But Applejack, that was ages ago, I’ve gotten better!”
Peering down at her sister, Applejack silently debated as to just how much damage Applebloom could cause if allowed to help run the stall. Looking into the hopeful eyes, she grimaced before turning it into a smile.
“Well, I guess you can have another chance if you promise to behave…”
“I will, I will, I will! Thanks sis!”
“Ah shucks, don’t worry ‘bout it Bloom. I suppose that you’re going to have to learn about the proper way to sell apples anyway.”
Applebloom nodded and bounced back to trot by the side of the cart, merrily humming while they entered the town. Applejack shook her head with a smile, before focusing on the path ahead while the sun suddenly rose up into the morning sky.
“Mornin’ Inkpot,” she said with a wave, the Quills and Sofas shop-owner returning it with a wave from his brown hoof. Applejack joined Applebloom in the humming, hooves clacking on the cobblestone as they turned the corner around a house to arrive in the main market square.
“Mornin’ Carrot top,” Applejack greeted, smiling at the only other pony already up and ready. Carrot Top glanced over from her own half set-up stall, three wooden buckets of fresh carrots sitting next to the booth.
“Good Morning, Applejack,” replied her biggest market rival and long-time friend. “How are you this fine market day?”
“Never felt better, thanks for asking.” Huffing, she detached herself from the cart and began to unload the pieces of her stall. “Your carrots are looking mighty fine.”
“The same for your apples.” Carrot Top glanced down to Applebloom. “Good Morning to you as well, helping your big sister with the stall?”
“Yup, I promised to behave and she said yes.”
Carrot laughed lightly. “Better than the last time you helped, I hope. I can still remember how that mare yelled when you put those apples in her bag and demanded the money for them.” In response, Applebloom’s cheeks went red.
“Ah was only using a agri- aggressive sales-ditch!”
“Sales-pitch, Carrot corrected, before sending Applebloom a wink. “Hey, relax Applebloom. If it’s any consolation, my carrot sales certainly went up that day.”
“Stupid carrots,” Applebloom grumbled. “We’re going to sell way more apples than you’ll sell carrots today though, aren’t we Applejack? A… Applejack? Hello?”
Applejack didn’t notice what Applebloom was saying, her eyes locked on the only completed stall at the far end of the market square. It was crudely constructed from wooden crates that looked like they had been plundered from the surrounding alleys, with a simple sign with ‘Fruit and Veg’ scrawled on it with red paint mounted on the front.
The stallholder wasn’t a pony, or even any other creature she’d ever heard of. It was short, tubby, and had greying hair only on the top of its head. A green cap and apron covered much of the rest, but the stranger’s appearance wasn’t the weirdest thing.
No, the thing that got to her was the way it was staring right at her.
“Oh, you noticed him,” Carrot whispered, poking her in the shoulder to get her attention. “Yeah, he’s a little… strange.”
“He?”
“Yep, he calls himself ‘The Greengrocer’, and bragged that he sells only the best fruits and vegetables.” Carrot snorted. “He even had the nerve to call my carrots ‘small’!”
“Don’t sound too friendly.” Narrowed eyes were levelled at the newcomer, who was now lazily munching on an apple with a smirk. “I swear, if he even thinks about insulting mah apples. I’ll run him out of town myself. Applebloom, I want you to keep well away from… Bloom?”
Looking down to where Applebloom had been standing, all Applejack saw was the abandoned money box. Looking back up to the opposing stall, she groaned when she saw Applebloom trotting up to the crate-booth with a smile.
“Bloom!”
Applejack quickly trotted after her sister, catching up just as the young pony smiled up at the stranger.
“Morning, uh… Mister?” Applebloom didn’t wait for a confirmation or correction, and instead focused on examining the critter and the stall. “Wow, I ain’t never met someone like you, are you friends with Zecora?”
The biped smiled down, but Applejack could have sworn that it was forced.
“Zecora?” he spoke, evidently a male going off of his voice. “I’m afraid that I know of no ‘Zecora’. But anyway, good morning to you as well, young filly.” Applejack watched while he reached under the stall, before holding out his hand towards Applebloom. In it was a plump and shiny red apple. “Care to try a free sample of my wares for being so… innocently polite?”
Before Applejack could even protest and halt her, Applebloom was already shaking her head.
“No thanks, I already ate breakfast.” She grinned up at the Greengrocer. “And everypony knows that Apple family apples are the best in Equestria.”
“Is that so? I see that as a challenge, Miss.”
“Yah should,” Applebloom replied back proudly. “We’ll sell more apples than you, just you wait and see!”
A low, guttural chuckle turned into a steady laugh, Applebloom taking a surprised step back. Applejack winced, for some reason reminded of the time she faced Nightmare Moon with her best friends. Windows and doors of the surrounding houses opened as the Greengrocer wiped his eye, a wicked smile being directed at Applebloom.
“Such bold words! Very well, pony, I’ll accept your challenge. The winner has their apples announced as the best ever, and the loser has to wallow in their defeat until the end of time!”
“Bring it!” Applebloom huffed, flicking her mane and stomping a hoof. “I’ll get mah cutie-mark in apple-selling competitions for sure!”
‘Not again,’ Applejack thought, moving forwards and biting Applebloom’s tail.
“Hey!”
“Applebloom, let’s go,” she growled out, pulling her sister back to their own stall. “I told you to behave.”
“It’s just a bit of competition,” Applebloom protested. “It ain’t like I bet the farm or… oh.”
Applejack stopped, let the tail go, and pointed at Applebloom with a hoof. “Now listen here, that’s enough out of you. We still need to get the stall set up and the apples out, so no more talking with that queer critter, you hear? Go on, you can start unloading the apples.”
Applebloom returned to wagon with her head bowed and her grumbles quiet, Applejack nodding to herself before glancing back at the stranger.
He was staring right at her again, making a ‘I’m watching you’ motion with his weird fingers. Returning the gesture with her own hoof, Applejack snorted and made to return to her stall with a newfound energy.
She had some apples to sell.
Despite the din of the morning market crowds, two voices could be heard well over the noise.
“Get your apples, fresh apples straight from the Apple family farm, only one bit each!”
“Or rather, try these apples! The reddest and juiciest in all of the lands! Only one bit for two!”
‘Darn him,’ Applejack thought with a glance over to the Greengrocer. ‘There he goes again, lowering his prices. Two apples for a bit, that’s crazy!’
It had so far been neck and neck, the newcomer getting buyers thanks to his low prices while Applejack and Applebloom were blessed with familiarity and guaranteed quality. Unfortunately it wasn’t just apples that her adversary was peddling, all manner of fruit and veg being sold at a breakneck pace and ultra-low price.
Pinkie Pie had even managed to purchase something called a ‘Kumquat’ from the Greengrocer, much to the party-pony’s delight.
“Get your fresh apples, the best apples!” she announced, stepping it up a notch. “Buy six for five bits, and twelve for nine! Best apples in Equestri- achh!”
“You sound a little ‘horse’!” the Greengrocer laughed while she spluttered, Applejack spitting something out onto the market ground.
She stared at the saliva-covered cherry that had gotten lodged in her throat, before glancing up at the Greengrocer with wide eyes. In return, he only smiled and waved before merrily placing a bunch of tomatoes into a bag for Cheerilee.
Applejack hadn’t eaten a cherry for months.
“Something’s not right,” she muttered to herself, looking around for her sister. “Applebloom?”
“Right here sis!” Applebloom trotted out from the crowd, a bit-purse held in her teeth. “I sold some apples to Mr Timeturner, he bought a whole dozen!”
“Good work there,” she praised, before taking off her apron and passing it over. “Sorry Bloom, but I’ve got to talk to Twilight real quick. Watch the stall for me, I trust you’ll do fine this time around.”
Applebloom’s eyes widened. “Really? You trust me to run the stall by myself?”
“Yup, and one more thing…” Applejack leaned over to whisper in her sister’s ear. “Don’t you dare let that smug varmint win.”
“Ah won’t. Promise.”
“Good,” Applejack nodded, ruffling Applebloom’s mane before trotting off towards the home of the one pony who’d be able to help.
“That creature is up to something,” she muttered, dodging around three mares trotting in the opposite direction. “I just know it.”
Twilight sighed, once again pulled away from the wonders of applied astrophycology, decided to just close her book. A library was supposed to be peaceful, but unfortunately for her a newcomer to the town had upset one of her friends.
“Applejack, I just told you that there’s nothing we can do. Asking me again won’t change that.”
“But Twi, there must be something! He’s evil, I can feel it and see it in his eyes!”
Pausing to take a sip of her tea, Twilight resisted the urge to grind her teeth. “Applejack, I will always trust you, but from what you’ve told me I just don’t see what’s so evil about selling ponies really good and really cheap food.”
“He’s undercutting my prices, Twi, he’s undercutting everypony’s prices. It’s like he has some kind of… of bottomless pit of vegetables and fruit that he’s just giving out! I can’t compete with that!”
Twilight, despite her friend’s distress, couldn’t help but chuckle while shaking her head.
“Applejack, don’t be silly. Conjuration is very advanced magic that I can’t even do, and I’ve only seen Celestia do it once. For somepony to just make tons of food out of nothing is as unlikely as a pony putting on a mask and becoming a superpony. It’s silly and it doesn’t make sense.” She took another sip of tea. “Now come on, sit down and have a cup of tea to calm you down.”
“But my apples are getting lower in price all of the-“
“He’s not from the town,” Twilight reassured with a raised hoof. “He’s probably just passing through and will be gone by tomorrow.” She smiled at Applejack, gesturing towards the tea pot and spare cup already prepared. “Now come on, sit down and relax. Besides, I’m sure everypony will quickly remember just how good your apples, and you’ve still got cider to make and sell for now.”
“I… I guess you’re right.” Applejack sat down and accepted the tea-cup. Taking a gulp, she breathed in and out before sighing. “Thanks Twilight, I was probably just stressed and all.”
“That’s right, it’ll all be fine and I’m right with you.”
Then, the door to the library opened and a moving pile of fruit and vegetables stumbled in.
“Wow Twilight, you wouldn’t believe it,” Spike huffed from behind the wall of food. “There’s this monkey guy at the markets and he’s selling all of this food for really cheap prices. I even managed to get two-dozen apples for the price of one-dozen , Applejack might want to look at lowering her prices because I saw everypony lining up at the other guy’s- oh, uh, hi Applejack. I was just talking about this other Applejack and… woah!”
Applejack shared a look with Twilight as Spike collapsed under the weight of his carried food, the dragon ending up completely buried beneath the haul. A single red apple rolled across the floor to stop at Twilight’s hooves.
“Well,” Twilight uneasily smiled and shrugged when Applejack narrowed her eyes. “What’s the worst that can happen?”
“‘What’s the worst that can happen?’” Applejack grimaced while she gave the polished gold another buff. “‘Don’t worry Applejack, he’s harmless.’” Another glob of spit landing on the golden shoe, Applejack staring at her hatful reflection as her cloth rubbed it away. “‘It’s okay, just because you had to sell the farm to him, doesn’t mean things are as bad as they seem.’”
“Okay, I get it Applejack,” Twilight groaned. With a flourish of her magic, the polishing cloth held in the pink magic field rubbed at the apron of the large statue. “It’s been three months, I know just as well as you that I maybe should have done something.”
“Yeah,” she huffed. “Maybe you should of like I’d asked.”
Twilight sighed, frowning at her. “You can’t really blame me. How was I supposed to know that he could actually create infinite amounts of vegetables and fruits, therefore outselling then buying all of the town’s food stalls and shops, and then move on to eventually buy all of the food in Equestria?”
“You are, or were, Princess Celestia’s student. Didn’t she teach you about money?”
“No,” Twilight groaned. “I learned magic, not how fragile our economy is because it’s all dependent on a finite supply of precious metal.” A hoof smacked against the statue. “How did we let that happen? Applejack, he practically owns the entire country now!”
Applejack stood up and ensured she had Twilight’s attention. Pointedly glancing down at her uniform, the white and green blouse covered by a green apron sporting an icon of the grinning Greengrocer in the middle, she flicked the cap of her greengrocer’s hat with a huff.
“I hadn’t noticed.”
It hurt Applejack’s pride, having to wear the uniform of her adversary, but with the Greengrocer in control of the entire country it was either work for him or starve. Still, her glare wavered as she saw Twilight’s head droop.
“I… I’m sorry, Twi,” she sighed, sitting back down to resume her work. “It’s really not your fault, I just feel so mad that such a slimeball is now my boss.”
Twilight brightened, but didn’t have a chance to reply before a loud ringing sounded out from the town square. Since they were both polishing the statue that marked the Greengrocer’s claim to the town, they only had to glance over to the left to find Mayor Mare swinging a bell while taking care not to hit her own greengrocer’s hat.
“Lunchtime, everypony!” the Mayor happily announced.
Applejack frowned at the politician, the Greengrocer having let her keep her title and office in return for becoming the ‘Town Manager’. The Mayor had seemed too eager to work for the tyrant in her opinion, but judging from the fact that the job paid more than double any other and there was no physical work it was fairly easy to figure out why.
“Come on, let’s save some seats for the others,” Twilight suggested, pulling her away from the statue and her thoughts. Applejack followed her friend to the four huge tables in the ex-market area, already a number of the townsponies sitting down in preparation for the food that made up most of their pay. All were wearing the same uniforms as they, save for slight differences such as blue aprons for the bakers and red aprons for the supervisors.
Applejack took a seat next to Twilight, giving Roseluck and her two sisters a friendly wave. Shifting on the simple wooden stool, she looked to her left when Rainbow Dash flew down to sit at the table.
“Phew, I’m so hungry,” Rainbow told them, rubbing her stomach while eyeing Sugercube Corner. The once-simple bakery had been turned into a massive kitchen for the entire town, the two stores next to it having been absorbed in order to create the needed space.
Applejack glanced at her friend, highly doubting that Rainbow Dash had been nearly as busy as her hunger seemed to indicate.
“Rainbow,” she began. “There hasn’t been a cloud for days, so you’ve probably just spent the morning sleeping again.”
“Hey, there’s not a single cloud so that’s my job done,” Rainbow retorted with a dismissive wave of her hoof. “I’m the best weatherpony in Ponyville, that’s why I still have my old job.”
“You got your old job because you failed at everything else,” Applejack muttered, but Rainbow still heard and narrowed her eyes.
“Oh, I’m sorry Applejack. I forgot to tell you that the statue looks really polished. Good work.”
‘Why that…’
Applejack turned to Rainbow in preparation to fire back, but a pair of white hooves placed themselves in-between the arguing pair.
“Girls, there’s no need for such fighting.”
“Rarity,” Twilight sighed, the newly-arrived seamstress glancing at her. “What is that on your apron?”
All looked at Rarity’s blue apron, a cluster of multi-coloured sequins in the shape of a unicorn head sewn proudly onto the front.
“Just a little decoration to make this oh-so bland uniform more bearable,” explained Rarity while she sat next to Dash. “Plain aprons and blouses? Bleugh, whatever was he thinking when he decided that was what we needed to wear?”
Applejack poked the wooden table, frowning all the while. “I don’t think he really cares what we want, Rare. Certainly not how prissy our uniforms look.”
“If that’s how you feel, Applejack, then I shan’t complain any further.” The huff from Rarity was followed by an immediate going back on her word. “You know, I’m starting to envy Fluttershy and the requirement that she only wears one of these ridiculous hats.”
“Pfft, right Rarity,” laughed Rainbow. “Like you’d survive for ten seconds keeping all of the animals away from the wagons arriving into town.”
Only a harrumph was given in response, Applejack shaking her head but smiling nevertheless. Despite their insane overlord, their friendship hadn’t changed a bit.
“Food’s up!”
Everypony let out a cheer when the large doors of Sugercube Corner swung open, lines of bakers filing out with trays laden with steaming baked goods. Applejack could smell the familiar menu, the scent of vegetable pies mixing with the tangy smell of fruit juice and fruit salad. As the spread was laid down upon the tables, more than enough to feed the entire town, she couldn’t help but salivate.
As much as she hated him for it, the food made from the Greengrocer’s produce sure did taste good.
“Hey guys!” Pinkie announced, bouncing into a chair beside Twilight. “Has it been a terrific day or what? I’ve baked so many yummies, and I even got to see Mr Cake fall into a vat of flour!” She stifled a giggle with her hoof. “It was so funny even Bonbon laughed even though she had to clean up afterwards!”
‘Glad to see someone’s enjoying their job,’ Applejack silently grumbled, before reaching for a steaming slice of vegetable pie. Guiltily taking a bite, she wished that despite all of good things that had happened that things could just go back to normal.
‘As if that’s likely to happen.’
“Sir, the Griffon Emperor has agreed to your offer of one million bits for the town of Sharpclaw.”
“Excellent, immediately send a convoy to take possession of it, and include a free wagon-load of citrus for the Emperor as a personal thanks.”
“At once.”
The Greengrocer leaned back on his throne in Canterlot Castle, watching while the mare in the pink apron bowed and hurried out to quickly follow his commands. Reaching a hand into a bowl of grapes, he shoved the fruit into his mouth and chewed happily.
Things had been going well, he had to admit. His small stall in the town of Ponyville had grown to a supermarket, then a nation-wide company, and then he’d gone semi-global. With a vicious business tactic and an unlimited supply of free, high-quality produce, amassing piles of wealth had been child’s play. He turned to smirk at the green mare that was fanning him with a palm leaf, the pony also wearing her uniform pink apron.
‘These ponies were so simple,’ he thought with a small chuckle. ‘All I had to do was hoard their gold. Ha!’
It was true. By offering low-paying jobs that paid mostly in free food to the ponies he had at first put out of business, he’d amassed a cheap workforce and was able to keep all of the earned gold bits for himself. Within a month he had owned Ponyville, and within two he had control over the entire country of Equestria’s food supply.
The Greengrocer smiled, still remembering the look on the faces of the Princesses when they had met with him to ask if he could kindly spend some of their currency as their country’s economy was collapsing.
He had laughed right in their faces, and had offered to buy their crowns and titles.
What he hadn’t done was expected them to accept.
So here he was, Princess Greengrocer of Equestria and in control of the entire country.
Glorious.
“Mister Greengrocer? Your eleven o’clock is here.”
A white pony trotted into his throne room, the Greengrocer waving a dismissive hand at Celestia. She gave him an even look, once which he returned with a raised eyebrow.
She’d been stroppy ever since he’d made her his secretary.
“Do you want the bananas again?” he asked, Celestia quickly smiling and shaking her head.
“No, Your Freshness, I’m just in a general bad mood today. I’ll try to improve.
“You do that,” he returned with a warning look. “Or I’ll put you on reception with your sister.”
“I dread the day.”
Celestia left with the mumble, the Greengrocer only debating with himself for a second on whether to punish her for it or not. His Manehattan Head Manager trotted in, however, so he decided to let it go.
‘What’s she going to do anyway? I’m untouchable.’
“Sister, why do we continue to allow that fool to lord over us? He has no respect at all!”
Celestia sighed, patting Luna on the back with a wing while they both sat in the empty castle reception area behind the desk. Her sister was frowning down at her pink apron, for some reason having to wear it even though her job was to sit behind the reception desk and let the Greengrocer know when ponies arrived for an audience.
“We must bid our time, Luna, and use his own tricks against him.” She lowered her voice. “You have of course been saving your gold?”
“Most certainly,” Luna nodded. “How close are we?”
Celestia paused, thinking briefly. “Well, if we’ve saved every single bit, then we’re only another three months off.”
A huff escaped from Luna, and with crossed forelegs she leaned back in her chair. “Three months too long.”
“I know, it bothers me as well.”
“Then why do we not just catch him unawares and defeat him?”
That prompted another sigh from Celestia. “Luna, we’ve been over this. Apart from the fact that he hasn’t really done anything wrong or illegal and that our ponies are all generally well-looked after, his powers are terrifying. What if we corner him, and he decided to fill everypony’s lungs so they choke?”
“You are still thinking of the bananas?” Luna asked with a softened voice.
“Every day,” she shuddered. “Every. Day. I used to enjoy them, but now…” After a second, Celestia shook her head and closed her eyes. “I just can’t risk it, Luna. If we fail, ourselves and many of our ponies will suffer for it. What can we do but wait and work off our debt?”
At that, Luna brightened with a knowing smirk.
“Ah, but sister, I believe that I have discovered the source of the Greengrocer’s powers.”
That got her attention. “Oh?”
“I have spent many nights conversing in secret with our subjects, in particular the servants in charge of running his baths and also with your own student Twilight Sparkle. Do you know, sister, what the one thing that he never takes off is?”
Celestia tried to think, thankful that she’d never had to witness the chubby man undress. There was one thing that leapt out at her, and her eyes went to the cap upon her head.
“His hat…”
“Exactly,” Luna grinned. “I spoke with one of the spa attendants two nights ago. She informed me that she was administrating the usual post-bath back massage, and one of her hooves had brushed his head accidently. According to her, the Greengrocer panicked and he acted like she had attempted to do away with him. Thankfully he realised that it was a mistake, but he was adamant that none touch his hat. Ever.”
It was certainly interesting information. If Luna was correct, and Celestia didn’t doubt that it was so, then if they removed the Greengrocer’s hat then they could deal with him. She had no desire to hurt him considering he only seemed concerned about more money and power rather than harming ponies, but she couldn’t help but agree that the current situation wasn’t ideal.
And, if they had a way of taking away his powers, then it’d be much simpler to get him to step down peacefully.
“Very well,” she decided. “Luna, we must prepare a plan in order to ensure that this works. I assume that you still have good knowledge concerning the unmaking of magical artefacts?"
“I do,” nodded Luna. “I am ready to go right now, and end this farce.”
“I’d prefer to wait a few days, and attempt to learn more-“
Her suggestion was cut off by the galloping of hooves, both only managing to look at the main doorway leading to the throne room before the doors swung open and a torrent of aproned ponies swarmed out in a panic. Guards and servants alike fled, and behind the fleeing crowd the two could make out the form of a large black circle that almost reached to the roof.
Celestia shared a look with Luna. “It just doesn’t stop, does it?”
“Of course not, but now we must act.”
Celesta lead the charge, throwing off the apron and hat with her magic while she raced for the door. Luna caught up and was right beside her, the two exchanging a nod before they burst into the throne room with horns glowing bright.
Only to be met with a confusing sight.
Rather than controlling the otherworldly sphere, the Greengrocer actually appeared to be confused. The mare who had previously been fanning him was sheltering behind the throne, while the human himself had stood up to face the dark tear.
Then, out of the blackness they advanced. Bipeds armoured in heavy, dark-blue armour moved out into the throne room with the stomping of metal boots. Each one was covered with devices, and short but stocky poles were gripped in their fists. Eyes behind grey-tinted visors looked around, Celestia seeing them glance over her before focusing on the Greengrocer standing before them.
There were over twenty of the armoured bipeds that Celestia assumed were humans, and the final being to step out from the portal was the only one who was dressed differently. Instead of armour he wore a business suit and tie, and instead of a club he was armed with a clipboard. Above his left breast was a badge, Celestia able to make out the letters ‘ITA’ on the polished gold surface. The newcomer brushed his brown hair out of his same-coloured eyes and coughed into a fist before comparing the Greengrocer to his clipboard.
“Herbert Wilkinson, I presume? I’m Inspector Shuman, and I’ve arrived to issue you an infringement notice.” The Inspector double-checked before continuing. “You’ve failed to fill out form three-five-seven-B to apply for an inter-universal travel permit and thusly have been issued a fine of eighty-million UIP credits or equivalent.” There was a pause from Shuman and he glanced towards the armoured humans. “If you are unable to pay the fine, we are ordered to arrest you and bring you to court. I should point out that cooperation will prevent any trauma from occurring to your person.”
“Luna,” Celestia whispered, glancing at her sister while powering down her horn. “Let’s just let this play out and only intervene if needed.”
Luna nodded and followed the suggestion, both Princesses stepping back carefully and slowly until they reached the end of the room. The humans were too occupied to pay them any mind, the Greengrocer having started to chuckle at the demands.
“Pay a fine to you worms?” he laughed, rising in volume. “Me, pay you? I am the mighty Greengrocer, and I bow to no man nor pony!”
The sisters watched while he stepped towards the Inspector, the tall man not even flinching when a fat finger was pointed right at his chest. “I own this palace, this city, this country!”
“So you’ve also attacked a foreign power without authority then as well,” Shuman tutted, marking down the information. It did not go down well with the Greengrocer, an apple appearing in his hand with a puff of red.
“Peon,” the tyrant spat. Celestia tensed up when all of the clubs held by the armoured humans glowed, the slightly wider tips at the top end crackling into life with electrical energy. “I make my own laws now, not your stupid regulations and forms. Ha, what are you going to even do!?”
The Greengrocer began to pace, different kinds of fruit materialising all over the room while he ranted.
“I can drown you in cherries, fill your insides with watermelons, crush you under a rain of grapefruits, splatter you with spinach, and brain you with a cold stalk of broccoli. Your confidence has no place here, for I am the master of this domain and I shall remain its master!”
No-one noticed the lone armoured human sneak off to the side.
“So come at me whelps, usurpers, ruffians, knaves! My powers will shock you and end you like the weaklings you are. There is only me, the Greengrocer, and I shall control you all!”
An insane cackling rose up, the floor now covered with stray fruit and veg. More continued to rain from the roof, until the mad laughter was cut off by a thump and a crackle. The Greengrocer slumped to his knees, revealing a single human standing behind him with club raised for another strike.
“What? Fool you canno- ah!” The Greengrocer was cut off when the armoured human hit him with the electrical stick again, another jolt shooting through him and sending him to the floor. “I’ll have my reveng- ow! Ow ow!” Another wack was delivered to the head, the smell of scorched fabric rising into the air as the greengrocer’s hat caught fire and disappeared in a flash of pink smoke.
“Wat yer’ waitin’ for, ya lazy wankers?” the human standing over the Greengrocer asked his comrades. “This ‘un ain’t goin’ down that easy!”
Luna and Celestia could only watch as the Greengrocer was suddenly swarmed by the entire group of bipeds save for the Inspector who stood back and recorded everything down.
“Wait! I’m no longer evil! I’m back to my old self!”
The pleas were ignored, multiple batons coming down again and again with zaps and screams until the Greengrocer fell silent. Celestia winced when the bipeds landed another couple of blows upon their downed opponent, before cuffing him and lifting him up to carry him away.
“Sorry for the interruption,” the Inspector apologised to them, before following the armoured officers towards the portal. “Protocol, and all of that.” He was the last one to step back into the sphere, right before the black portal shrank down to a mere pin-prick and disappeared.
The two sisters were left alone, save for the mare behind the throne who had passed out from the shock, with the Greengrocer defeated and dragged off in a rather anti-climactic battle with his own people. In truth it was a blessing, but Celestia still couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off.
“Well, that was certainly… weird.”
“I can’t argue with that, Luna,” she agreed, glancing back as their shaky subjects began to trot up to them for guidance. Celestia smiled, inwardly shrugging. “But, I think we can safely say that he won’t trouble us again.”
“You are sure?”
“Oh, I am,” Celestia nodded, trotting over towards her throne before sitting down upon it. “Given what we’ve just witnessed, I’m certain that the Greengrocer’s fellows will ensure that he receives just punishment.”
Luna hesitated before moving to sit on her own throne, Celestia smiling lightly before her magic levitated out the unconscious mare from behind her. Gently placing the pony safely by her side to recover, she looked over to Luna when her sister shook her head.
“What is it, Luna?” Celestia could see the confusion in her eyes, and… shame?
“I just… did we really lose our country to a creature named ‘Herbert’?”
“In there, move it. You’ll be spending a long time here so I suggest you get acquainted with Loony.”
“Loony?”
A pair of yellow eyes opened at the sound of the voices, the figure that owned them stretching out on the top bunk with a yawn. He smacked his lips together with a smile, ready to meet his new cell-mate.
Prison had been surprisingly fun, with all sorts of interesting people to meet. The brutish guards usually left him alone, and with all of the entertainment he’d delayed his escape plans for a few months.
‘Enough of that, I have an introduction to make.’
He waited for the clang of the metal door shutting to ring out and listened as the steady hum of the cell’s energy barrier returned to normal. With a flourish, he slid off the top bunk and landed on both feet with his arms already spread in a bow. The movement ruffled his grey jumpsuit and his new friend gasped and stepped back, a smile being given with his eyes still closed.
“Welcome, new roomie, to a cell without gloom. I am Loony, or at least that’s now my prison name, and I grant you entry to my abode. To whom do I have the pleasure of…” he looked up, seeing a very familiar (and scorched) face. “Oh, darn.”
“Oh darn indeed, you bastard!” Herbert growled back, his hands clenching into fists. “You gave me a hat, sent me to a magical pony land, then messed with my mind to make me evil! I was stuck there for months before my former colleagues found and arrested me, and to top it off I ate nothing but fruits and vegetables! I’m actually looking forward to eating whatever unidentifiable meat they’re going to give us for dinner!”
Looking him up and down, it was noticed but not said that Herbert seemed exactly the same weight before he had put on the hat.
“What do you have to say?” Herbert growled, steadily beginning to advance with his inital surprise now replaced by pure anger. One fist was smacked into a palm. “Before I beat the ever-loving shit out of you, you meddling prick!”
There was only one thing he could do, so do it he did. Sheepishly smiling and holding out his hands, there was a poof of pink smoke before a shiny red helmet appeared and was offered as a peace gift.
“Ever wanted to be a fireman?”
The blow to the cheek honestly caught him by surprise, the fat man’s bulk betraying his speed. Falling to the floor and spitting out a tooth, he wiped his mouth while staring up at the oncoming Herbert.
“Guess not.”
The End
