Applejack sat at her desk, a smile on her face as she bathed in the light of her Apple laptop. Boy howdy, Ah sure am glad some pony established a company that makes laptops and then some other pony came along and invented a global system of interconnected computer networks followed by more ponies populating it with web forums for ponies to discuss their points of view on, thought the magical bright orange small horse that could also talk.
Applejack’s smile fell as she scanned the thread in front of her. Ugh… This poster again… Why do they even bother postin’? They clearly know nothin’ ‘bout apples. Applejack sighed as her forehooves hovered over the keyboard. I better set them straight…
For one, brief, horrible instant, Applejack’s frustration got the better of her. Instead of beginning a lengthy explanation of what was wrong with the other user's post, she found herself typing ‘STBU n00b’.
Applejack paused as she stared at the six letters and two numbers on the screen in front of her. She felt herself break into a cold sweat as she moved the mouse pointer down over the ‘Submit’ button.
For a while she stat motionless, staring at the screen in front of her. Her foreleg began to tremble as it hovered over the touch pad. Her eyes widened as her pupils locked onto what she had typed. Sweat continued to build up, soaking the brim of her hat as her mind became a battleground for what she knew to be right and what she so desperately wanted to do.
“Do it!” a deep voice cried.
Applejack jolted upright, her head darting around from side to side. “Who’s there?!”
“Do it!” the deep voice repeated. “Hit the ‘submit’ button! Dismiss that pathetic whelp's post with your clever shortening of ‘shut the buck up’ followed by your declaration that they are, in fact, a novice!”
“Wait… I know that voice," Applejack said as the light of realization began to shine on her face as it raised over the peaks of her confusion. “Tirek!” she hissed. “You dirty low-down varmint! Don’t you skulk about my bedroom! Show yourself.”
“Ahahahaha!” Laughter erupted about the room as a ghostly visage shimmered into existence, occupying just about all the room’s empty space. Tirek’s white, translucent head came into focus as well as two massive horns that could barely fit inside the room. Aside from his head and arms, only the top of Tirek’s chest and his arms where visible as his evil laughter continued.
Applejack stomped the floor a few times then shouted downward. “Hey! Anyone down there see the giant, ghostly image of a centaur’s abdomen standing in the living room?”
Tirek ceased his laughing.
The house went quiet briefly.
“Eeenope!” came big McIntosh’s reply.
“What the hay, Applejack!?” Granny’s slightly cantankerous voice chimed in. “Are those crazy Why-fhy waves finally frying your brain?!”
Applejack sighed heavily. “Jus’ checkin’!” She gave the massive, ghostly centaur a skeptical look. “Weren’t you banished back to Tartarus?”
“Pah,” Tirek said with a dismissive wave of his spectral hand. “What you ponies sent back to that prison was nothing but a hollow shell! When your magic was returned, I snuck my true essence along with it so that you could become the avatar of my revenge!”
“Revenge?!” Applejack cried. “Now hold on there! What makes you think I’m jus’ gonna… Oh no!” Applejack pulled her hat over her face. “Yer’ gonna mind control me, aint’tcha?!”
With an almost embarrassed grimace, Tirek answered, “Not as such. No.”
Applejack raised her hat and blinked a few times. “Yer… yer not?”
“While I can hide my essence amongst yours and speak to you, I do not actually have the ability to control your actions.”
“Oh…” Applejack said. “Then why in tarnation do ya think ya can get me do anything?”
Tirek grinned wickedly. “Because I’ve seen your deeds, Applejack! You may pretend to be a pony of high morals, but I’ve seen every act you’ve done when you think other ponies cannot witness you.”
Applejack narrowed her eyes. “Like what?”
Tirek’s grin widened. “I was there when you broke the vase at Starlight Glimmer's house!”
Applejack winced. “You saw that, did ya?”
Tirek nodded. “And I was there then you bucked Rarity’s drapes out of the highest window of Twilight’s castle!”
“Hey! She helped throw out my warmin’ quilts!”
Tirek’s mouth spread open wide, showing off all his ghostly teeth. “And I was also there when you made your little sister do your chores while you pretended to be unwell and spent the entire day in your room writing posts for your online community about apples!”
Applejack hung her head. “Okay… I admit that was a bit unfair…” She looked up again. “But the internet’s an addictin’ place! Besides, why’d ya pick me out of all the ponies whose energy you stole?”
Tirek closed his lips into a smug smile. “Who better to infiltrate the ranks of Equestria’s defenders than through the element of loyalty? Hahaha! Princess Twilight will never see it coming!” Tirek through his head back and laughed maniacally. “BwaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa!”
“Honesty.”
“Hahahaha—” Tirek’s laughter cut up abruptly and he looked back at Applejack. “What?”
“Ah’m the element of honesty. Rainbow Dash is element of loyalty.”
“… You’re… you’re serious…?”
Applejack nodded.
Tirek gave Applejack a look of disbelief. “The blue pony who was willing to sabotage an entire season, therefore unbalancing the entire ecosystem of the town she lives in, disrupting the lives of hundreds, just so she could spend time with her pet is the element of loyalty?!”
Applejack frowned. “Rainbow Dash lapses every now and ah-always… Look! I wouldn’t be the element of honesty if I was lyin’, now would I?”
Tirek narrowed his eyes. “You could be lying about that.”
Applejack sighed. “Well I’m not.”
“Hmph,” Tirek uttered with a thoughtful expression as he crossed his arms in front of him. “It matters not. What matters is with my guidance, we shall bring the rest of these pathetic equines to their knees!”
Applejack rolled her eyes. “What makes ya think I’m just gonna run around doing whatcha want jus’ cause yer buggin’ me?”
Tirek clenched a fist tightly. “You’re a pony who revels destruction! You secretly crave power and dominion over others!”
“No. No. That’s not true!” Applejack cried frantically. “That’s impossible!”
“Search your feelings. You know it to be true!”
“No! No! **Nooooo!**”
Tirek held out his massive ethereal hand. “Applejack! You can destroy Twilight Sparkle! I have foreseen this. It is your destiny. Join me, and together we can rule Equestria as pony and centaur!”
“Now hold on jus’ a cotton pickin’ minute!” Applejack exclaimed. “Now, I’ll admit I may occasionally like to watch the sparks fly between ponies every now and again and maybe cause a bit of a ruckus! But that don’t mean I wanna do something crazy like overthrow Twilight!”
“Tckt, fine!” Tirek said as he folded his arms across his chest. “Then at least actually submit that post and enjoy that foolish fora goers reaction!”
“Ah can’t do that!” Applejack claimed. “It’s wrong! Also I have a reputation to maintain!”
Tirek rolled his massive eyes. “Then why don’t you make a separate account for the express purpose of putting these imbecilic ponies into place?”
“Because I…” Applejack’s eyes shot open wide. “I…”
-o- And so… -o-
Tirek pointed excitedly at Applejack’s computer screen as he leaned over her shoulder. “Reply to the post with ‘Amusing Story’ and call the poster ‘brother’.”
“Hmmm…. Well that is about the most response that post deserves…”
-o- Later… -o-
“Respond that the other poster is implying pears are a fruit worth eating! Change the color of your font to green!”
“Well… That does sound mighty funny…”
-o- And Later Still… -o-
“Call the opening poster a water fowl! Insinuate that they speak like one as well!”
“Hehehe… I have always wanted to respond to an OP that way…”
-ooooooo-
Twilight sighed heavily as yet another interruption in the form of one of her best friends bursting into her personal office. The white-coated unicorn quickly bolted from the doorway up to Twilight’s desk where Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy already sat huddled around Twilight and her laptop.
“Twilight,” Rarity cried in distress, “you simply must do something about this online ruffian!”
“Ugh… Not you, too!” Twilight cried. “Look I’m sorry not everyone online respects the meaning of friendship or is even polite! But you’ll just have to ignore them and move on!”
“Yeah! Just move on, Rarity!” Rainbow Dash chimed in. “I was here first!”
“And I was here second~!” Pinkie sang out.
Fluttershy shirked away from the desk slightly. “It’s okay… she can have my spot.”
“Girls, I’m sorry,” Rarity cried as she pushed through the small mass of ponies in an attempt to get closer to Twilight. “But this is a matter of pride! A user came on to the fashion forums and said I looked like a marshmallow in a giant hat!”
“Pfffft!” Rainbow Dash was unable to contain her laughter. “Bwuahahahaha! Well they sure got you figured out!”
Rarity turned, her cheeks turning red and puffy as she gave Rainbow Dash an indignant look. “It’s not—**OUCH!* Pinkie! Stop trying to eat me!”*
“Sowwy!” Pinkie said through a mouth full of Rarity back. She released her grip on the pony. “Well, somepony said my mane looks like…” Pinkie trailed off as her eyes focused on the curl of mane that dangled in front of her face. “That my mane looks like…” Pinkie licked her lips hungrily. “That it looks like cotton candy!” Pinkie cried in a shrill tone as she swiped her hair downward and moved her mouth forward taking a massive bite out of her own hair.
The other ponies simply stared in silence as they watched Pinkie chew then swallow her hair.
Pinkie gasped. “How come you guys never told me I was delicious?!”
“…. Oooooohkaaaaaaay…” Twilight uttered.
Fluttershy spoke up. “Er…Well, somepony told me that I looked like a soft, slightly melted stick of butter and—”
‘Slrup! Slrup!’
Fluttershy’s face flushed crimson. “Oh… oh my…”
“Pinkie!” Twilight cried. “Stop licking Fluttershy!”
“Awww…” Pinkie uttered, her tongue still lolled out onto Fluttershy’s back.
“Er… that’s okay…” Fluttershy said. “She can keep licking me if that’s what she wants…”
“Ywaaaaay!” Pinkie exclaimed as she went back to dragging her incredibly long tongue over the length of Fluttershy’s back.
Twilight buried her face in her forehooves. “What is wrong with all of you…?”
“I’ll tell you what’s wrong!” Rainbow Dash cried. She cast an irritated glance amongst her friends. “Forget you guys being told exactly how you really look. They said I type like a tool!”
“Bwu Dwashee,” Pinkie began, “ywou doo twype wike a twooo!”
“Oh… yes…” Fluttershy murmured happily. “Lick me clean! Like a kitty! I’m a dirty, dirty girl!”
“Hey!” Rainbow Dash protested.
“She has a point, Darling,” Rarity said. “You use the letter ‘u’ instead of the word ‘you’ and the letter ‘r’ instead of the word ‘are’.” Rarity gave Rainbow Dash an unamused look. “Whatever do you do with the extra time you save leaving out letters from words?”
Rainbow Dash puffed out her lower lip and stared at the crystal floor. “It… it actually takes me a long time to type…” she admitted.
Twilight shook her head. “Girls, can’t you just talk to your own forum moderators or admins about this?”
Rainbow Dash flung her forehooves into the air. “You are the moderator of the Daring Do forums!”
“Well I’m busy now!” Twilight shot back as she turned to her computer screen and continued typing.
Rainbow Dash leaned forward and stared at Twilight’s computer screen. “Don’t tell me you’re writing one of your stupid long” –Rainbow rolled her eyes and air quoted with her forehooves— “’insights’ into the deeper meaning of the Daring Do books.”
A sparkling purple aura suddenly appeared over Rainbow Dash’s face as she was pushed back from the computer screen. “Oooff!”
“No!” Twilight said smugly as she resoundingly pressed a button on her keyboard. “I just posted one of my incredibly insightful posts that explores the subtle nuances of the Daring Do mythos.”
“Yeah whatever, Princess Egghead,” Rainbow Dash retorted as she trotted back up. “You probably just type random big words to make yourself look smart.”
Rarity sighed heavily and backed away slightly. “Oh here we go…”
“Mmmmm!” Pinkie hummed happily as she continued licking Fluttershy who rolled onto her back. “Eee cen’t beeweeve iss noth buther!” she cried as she ran her tongue across Fluttershy’s belly.
“Awwww… yesss…” Fluttershy purred out as her legs twitched in the air slightly. “… Lower…” she added in a husky tone. “… If that’s okay with you, that is…”
Twilight glared daggers at Rainbow Dash. “My post are painstakingly crafted! Not a single word goes into one without me laboriously thinking about each and every syllable! Why, everypony on the forum loves my incredibly detailed and sourced posts!”
Rainbow Dash narrowed her eyes and coughed.
“Well... almost everypony,” Twilight corrected. She smirked. “I bet the very next post will be somepony praising my understanding of the subtle symbolism and deep meaning of Daring Do and the Missing House Keys.”
‘Beep!’
Twilight smiled as her computer let out a small noise of notification. “See! Someone’s already responded.”
Rainbow Dash glanced at the computer, he features exploding into a look of merriment. “Pffft..BWAHAHAHAHA! Oh someone responded, alright! Ahahahahaha!”
“Huh, what’s so…?” Twilight trailed off as her eyes caught sight of something moving on her screen. Her amethyst eyes narrowed into slits as she stared intently at the teal-colored deer that was now galloping under the post below her own.
-ooooo-
“Hahaha! Excellent!” Tirek bellowed as he leaned next to Applejack, an ethereal hand resting on her shoulder as Applejack sat at her computer. Tirek cocked the elbow on his free arm so he could point at the screen. “Now respond to that post with ‘hashtag get Tireked!’”
Applejack smirked and looked into the jovial face of the massive ghostly centaur. “Ah think ya mean ‘get rekt’.”
Tirek chuckled as his smile grew. “I know what I said.”
‘KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!’
Tirek and Applejack jumped slightly as someone pounded on her bedroom door.
“Applejack!” came Twilight’s angry shout. “Open up!”
“Princess Twilight Sparkle!” Tirek cried out in an alarmed tone. “Quick! Throw one of your giant, ugly quilts over me to hide me!”
Applejack tilted her head and let her eyelids drop slightly. “Only I can see you, remember?”
“Oh...” Tirek said with a sheepish expression. “Right…”
‘KNOCK! KNOCK!’
“*AJ!”Twilight said with more force. *“I can hear you in there! Don’t make me magic this door into kindling!”**
“Hold yer’ uh… hairless ape creatures… or somethin’…” Applejack replied as she stood up from her computer. “I’m coming.” Applejack trotted over to the door and opened it where an irritated Twilight Sparkle was waiting on the other side.
“Erm…” Applejack swallowed.
“Oh manure!” Tirek exclaimed. “She looks quite agitated!”
Applejack glanced over her shoulder. “Shhh…” She turned back to Twilight and cleared her throat, motioning towards her room. “Why Twi-light Spar-kle,” she said, putting extra emphasis on every single syllable that left her mouth. “Ah have not seen, nor in-ter-act-ed with you in a few days.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Oh, drop the act, Applejack. I know it was you who tried to troll me on the Daring Do forums!”
Applejack put on her best genuine-looking flabbergasted expression, setting a record low bar for all future genuine-looking flabbergasted expressions to top. “But why would I even go to the Dare-ing Do for-ums?” Applejack said. “It is not like I read the books or know any-thang a-bout your ree-dic-you-lous post a-bout the hid-den mean-in’ of Dare-ing Do have-in’ to search a swamp for her house ke…”Applejack trailed off and her eyes went wide. She gulped as her worried emerald eyes locked with Twilight’s rage-filled amethyst ones.
Applejack hung her head and sighed. “Oh, apple cores…”
“Applejack, how could you?!” Twilight cried.
“Wa… well I…” Applejack gasped as she looked up. “Wait a minute! Don’t tell me you backtraced my post, Twi! Twilight, so help me, if you turn me over to the cyberpolice, the consequences will never be the same!”
Twilight gave Applejack an unamused sideways glance. “You signed up to the forum using your own email account.”
Applejack pursed her lips into a tight, worried frown as she could practically feel Tirek’s eyes burn a hole through her hat into the back of her head. “Oops…. I dun goofed…”
Twilight shook her head. “Applejack, I’m disappointed in you, but mainly I want to know what drove you to harass other ponies on the internet.”
Applejack swallowed. “Well… if you must know…”
“No, Applejack!” Tirek cried out. “She’ll send my soul back to Tartarus! Remember all the amusing times we had together! Like when we told Rainbow Do Underscore Fan that we misplaced our receptacle full of bucks!”
Applejack glanced at Tirek, then turned back to Twilight. “… The truth is…”
“No! Applejack! Stop! Don’t do it!” Tirek pleaded.
“… The truth is… Ah love pwning n00bs!”
Tirek clamped his mouth shut.
Twilight looked surprised for a moment, and then let out a knowing sigh. “Applejack, we all have the urge to pwn n00bs from time to time, but you have to know that memeing on them is not the way to do it.”
Applejack hung her head. “Ah know, Twilight…”
Twilight placed a foreleg across Applejack’s shoulders and continued, “Just because somepony is wrong on the internet doesn’t mean you should rudely dismiss what they say. Only through hours spent writing incredibly lengthy and well thought out posts that step-by-step go through their entire post explaining the pitfalls in their logic can somepony establish their superior knowledge over another.” Twilight glanced away momentarily and raised a forehoof. “Sure, it’s something that steals away vast hours of your free time and ultimately cripples your social life, but it’s worth it!”
“Really?” Tirek said in a dejected tone as his shoulders slumped. “This is the Princess who ultimately defeated me?”
“Okay, Twilight… I’m sorry,” Applejack said. “I should know better than to harass pony folk like that…”
Twilight smiled satisfactorily and nodded. She retracted her foreleg and took a couple steps back. “Now I’m sorry, but I have to ban you from the Daring Do forums for rule violation.”
Applejack hung her head. “I understand.”
“Alright, well I have to go,” Twilight said as she turned and walked towards the door. “Somepony thinks Daring Do and the Sink Full of Month-Old Dirty Dishes was a shallow attempt by A.K. Yearling to hit a deadline when she couldn’t think of anything more exciting to write and you know I’ve got to set them straight.
“Sounds… uh… great, Twi,” Applejack said. “I’ll see ya later.” Applejack closed the door and turned to face the spectral centaur that occupied most of her room.
“Well…” Tirek began, “I suppose I owe you gratitude for not turning me over to Princess Twilight Sparkle.”
Applejack nodded. “Eeyup.”
“But what about our crusade to let ponies know that spending excessive time on their hobbies is the opposite of cool? Furthermore, that every pony’s time is finite and that they only have one attempt at living their lives?"
“I’m sorry, Tirek. Twilight’s right… I should stop.”
“What?!” Tired exclaimed. “But we had only just begun! We haven’t even responded with a post composed entirely in those faces made by stringing sentence symbols together!”
Applejack lowered her head and tilted down her hat so that she wouldn’t look Tirek in the eyes.
“No! NOOOOOOO!” Tirek screamed angrily. “You can’t do this! We’ve caused the suffering of dozens of ponies! Literally dozens! Soon it would have been scores of dozens! **And then hundreds of dozens! You can’t give up now! I WON’T ALLOW IT! YOU CAN’T… You can’t…” Tirek’s massive unearthly lips began to quiver. “You can’t… sniff… You can’t… choke… sob… Youcan’ttakeawaythemostfunI’vehadincenturies! **Bwoaaaaahhouaaahhhhouaaahhhhhouaahhhh!**” Tirek let loose a loud, deep, pathetic-sounding cry that filled Applejack's** bedroom.
Applejack simply kept her hat lowered, staying silent as Tirek let loose his massive howl of sadness.
“…Pfffft! Hahahaha!” Applejack looked up and raised the brim of her hat, a smile from ear to ear on her face. “Cheer up, ya big baby emo centaur. Slash ‘j’‘k’.”
“Wouaaahhhouaahhhouaa—” Tirek moved his arm, revealing a ghostly face soaked with tears. He sniffed heavily and looked at Applejack in surprise. “You… you were leading me on?”
“Hah! Yup! Fooled you like a sheep that thinks it’s jus’ goin’ in for a little trim.”
“But… but… you are element of honesty!” Tirek cried in disbelief. “How is that even possible?”
“Shoot partner, I jus’ said ‘I *should* stop’, I didn’t actually say I was gonna,” Applejack said as she trotted over to her desk.
Tirek’s look of joy slowly shifted as his eyes narrowed and his teeth clenched tightly. His shimmering features twitched as his lips curled upward and his chest began heaving up and down. “Hahahahaaaa! Oh Applejack, you are a master ruse pony!’ Tirek frowned. “But what about the Daring Do forum? How will we inform ponies their discussions are unsound because our hair is a large, winged avian?”
“Ah shucks, I bet Twilight will invite me back inside a week once she does another of her live readin's of the latest chapters.” Applejack swung a forehoof in front of her. “I’ll be rustlin’ bookworm jimmies before you know it.” A wicked smile slowly spread across Applejack’s face. “Besides… there’s plenty more forums out there.”
-ooooo-
“Ahh…” Spike said satisfactorily as he clicked on his computer keyboard. “Another day, another post explaining why Radiance ‘x’ Hum Drum is the only ship that matters and all other Power Pony ships are hollow by comparison and ultimately make no sense.”
‘Beep!’
Spike interlaced his claws and cracked his knuckles. “Well if it isn’t someone responding to my post!” Spike rubbed a claw against his chest. “No doubt to congratulate me on my amazing grasp of love and romance.” Spike frowned and looked from side to side. “Wait… Who am I even talking to?” He shrugged and settled for peering at his laptop screen.
Spike’s eyes widened as they fell upon a gold star with the words “you tried” written across it in comic sans.
Spike clenched his claws into fists, threw his arms into the air, and shouted at the heavens.
“MEEEEEEEEEEEEMMMMMMMMMMEES!”
The End.
