Insecurity, or You May Forgive But I Can't Forget
Author's Note
This story was originally published on my FanFiction account on April 17, 2015. I personally consider it my pride and joy of every story I've ever written, so why not post it here as well?
Basically, about a couple of months before the season 5 premiere, I was thinking about how the writers would deal with Discord's betrayal. Then the idea came to mind to write a story based off of my beliefs and after about a month of writing and editing, this was the end result. Even though I specified that this story takes place before Make New Friends and Keep Discord, I'm still a bit mad at the writers for not using the first Discord episode of season 5 to address the issue and consequences of his betrayal. They better do it in a later episode...
But enough of my angry ranting. Please, enjoy!
Talking Out My Feelings
As I sit on a lawn chair flying high through the sky with bird wings, I feel like pondering recent events. I've finally seen the error of my ways and turned good for real, with my mischief still intact of course. I didn't expect life after being reformed to be sunshine and rainbows, considering my track record. But since most ponies except for those six mares don't seem to want to chat, nopony's chewed me out yet. Unfortunately, that only leaves one nagging voice to eat away at me; my conscience. Hay, I'm surprised I even have a conscience.
My pesky conscience has brought something to mind; my past sins. First I took over Equestria to turn it into my Chaos Capital of the World. I guess I didn't realize how damaging my chaos magic was, oops. So, the Elements of Harmony, used by the Princesses, imprisoned me in stone for centuries. I still have nightmares... Then I finally broke free and tried to repeat history with Ponyville. In hindsight I should have learned my lesson the first time around since history really did repeat itself and I got imprisoned again. I also really regret corrupting those six little ponies now, especially since one of them taught me the true meaning of friendship. I guess it's two if you count Twilight, but Fluttershy was the first to really accept me. Speaking of that, I ended up getting released early since Celestia thought I could be reformed for some reason back then. Sure, I helped those six mares find the keys to that magical box, but it all went to Tartarus soon after. That brings me to my greatest sin of all; betraying Equestria to help Tirek.
I still regret believing his lies, believing that he could offer something greater than true friendship. When he gave me that medallion, I actually felt special. Then when he stole my magic and basically told me I meant nothing to him, I felt betrayed. Just like all of Equestria felt when I sided with the enemy. That unicorn was right to call me a traitor. I certainly felt rotten after I realized just how bad I messed up. Somehow I ended up being forgiven and even considered a friend to the six mares despite the horrible things I did. I still can't believe that I was so blind. To add on to my regret, I think I'm actually scared - the Spirit of Chaos, scared! - that the citizens of Equestria might hate my guts for my heartless betrayal.
My mind drifts back to reality as I feel a wetness in my eyes. I wipe the wetness away and try to convince myself that I was definitely not about to cry. Of course that's a lie, but hasn't my dignity already been damaged enough?
I look down and see a familiar sight; Twilight's princess castle. Now that I think about it, I've barely seen the six mares, except for Fluttershy, since that whole ordeal. Maybe I could drop in and say hi...or maybe I need somepony to talk all these things out with. Either way, a little visit wouldn't hurt. Hopefully they're all there right now.
I look down and see a familiar sight; Twilight's princess castle. Now that I think about it, I've barely seen the six mares, except for Fluttershy, since that whole ordeal. Maybe I could drop in and say hi...or maybe I need somepony to talk all these things out with. Either way, a little visit wouldn't hurt. Hopefully they're all there right now.
I snap my fingers and the flying lawn chair disappears. Then I simply unzip a part of the fabric of space and fly through. I appear right inside of the Council Room of the castle, and the unzipped space disappears. I look around and notice that I'm near the ceiling, which has a new addition to it. It seems to be a giant chandelier made of giant tree roots. The roots of Twilight's library, perhaps? And there also seems to be some flashy gemstones hanging from it. I look closer at one and notice something interesting; it has some sort of picture of Twilight and her friends. They look so happy together as they eat donuts in ruined fancy dresses, with Celestia sitting with them. I think I actually feel jealous of their friendship now. Agh, that's not the problem at hand now!
I stop looking at the gemstone and glance down. I have a perfect bird's-eye view of the thrones. Those six little ponies seem to be discussing something. I enlarge my ears so I can hear better and lean towards them a little.
"Hey, um, girls..." one of them says. "I think there's something we need to discuss." I could recogize that voice anywhere; sweet little Fluttershy. The pony who was hurt most by my betrayal.
"Of course, Fluttershy," another says. "You have our attention." The newest alicorn, Twilight.
"Well, there's someone that I'm worried about," Fluttershy admits. Could it be?
"Well who is it darling?" yet another pony says. The oh-so-girly Rarity.
"It's...Discord..." Fluttershy replies, her voice getting a bit quieter on my name. I knew it; somepony was worried about me after all. I turn myself invisible and start flying towards them.
"What in Equestria are you worried about him for?" a pony asks. That country mare Applejack. I feel like I should be hurt by her question.
"Yeah, he seems alright to me," a fifth pony says. The bad-flank daredevil Rainbow Dash.
"I don't think so," Fluttershy said. "He seems a bit...distant, lately. I don't know what's wrong with him." All she has to do is ask me; I'd tell her anything.
"Oh, Fluttershy, I think I know what's wrong," the last pony says. "He probably just wants to hang out with his buds!" The party pony Pinkie Pie. Her theory suddenly makes me realize how...lonely, I am. At first I just thought that having a reality-warping, chaotic spirit like myself around just made ponies uncomfortable. But now that I think about it...oh dear, could my fear be true?
"You could be right Pinkie..." Fluttershy says in agreement. "As his friends it should be our job to make Discord feel welcome and wanted." At the moment I'm behind Fluttershy's throne, completely visible. Now I've realized something else; these ponies have made no effort to really be my friend, besides Fluttershy of course.
"Maybe he doesn't like to be bothered," a new voice says. "I mean, if he wanted to chill with us he'd say so, right?" It's that dragon I forgot about, Spike. His question makes me realize yet another fact about myself. I haven't said anything to anypony, not even Fluttershy. I know I have to get somepony's attention before I end up drowining in my own insecurities and guilt.
I fly from behind Fluttershy's throne, startling everyone. "You make a good point, Spike," I say, leaning on the side of Fluttershy's throne. "I've been as quiet as mouse lately. Now, perhaps it's time to let my voice be heard."
Applejack narrows her eyes at me. "Discord, how long have you been here?" she asks suspiciously. I smirk and raised a brow.
"Well, Applejack, I've been here long enough to know something about you all," I reply. I look at Fluttershy with a smile. "Dear Fluttershy here seemed to be the first one to voice her concern about lil' ol' me..." Then I look at the rest of them with a small frown. "...while the rest of you probably haven't given me the time of day to be in your thoughts." I cross my arms. "And here I thought I had seven friends who cared about me enough to check up on me every once in a while, when it turns out I only have one who even worried about my well-being." At first I was only going to say all of that for dramatic effect, but now I realize it's the truth.
"Oh wow, we're sorry Discord," Twilight suddenly says with a small frown. "We didn't realize you felt that way." I unfold my arms when I realize that Twilight's apology was genuine.
"Yeah, if I had known you'd needed some cheering up, I would have thrown you a 'Let's Cheer Up Discord' party!" Pinkie Pie assures. I actually smile at that comment; Pinkie Pie's parties are legendary.
"Oh, Discord, I wish you'd said something before," Rarity says with a friendly smile. "A friend in need should never keep quiet about their feelings if they're unhappy."
"You're right, Rarity," I agree and stretch out to lay flat on my stomach in the air like a bed. "I'm sorry for making you all feel like you were to blame. I just didn't feel like you would listen to me for some reason." It's true, that is the main reason for my silence.
"Well, we're listening to you now," Rainbow Dash assures. "Go ahead and say whatever you need to." I frowned a little as I realized that yes, it was my chance, but did I really want to talk about my insecurities to others? Maybe that's part of friendship; telling your friends when you're feeling insecure about something... I sigh and put my paw hand to my cheek.
"Well, it's just that I've been thinking about everything I've done," I begin and start counting each horrible deed on my bird fingers. "You know, how I spread chaos in Equestria, twice, ruined your friendship the second time around, and, finally, betrayed all of Equestria in favor of Tirek..."
"Yeah, those were some pretty bad things you did," Applejack admits. "But those mistakes are in the past; you should be thinking about the present."
I lay on my back and throw my arms out in frustration. "How am I supposed to do that when I'm too scared that my past will come back to haunt me?" I ask, slightly annoyed. Yes, one of my biggest insecurities is having karma kick my flank.
"What, you mean that karma junk?" Rainbow Dash asks, as if she read my mind. She actually scoffs. "You shouldn't be worried about something like that. If anything you should be worried about how the rest of Equestria feels."
My heart sinks, and I feel my ears droop. I almost forgot about that particular problem, despite thinking of it just a short while ago. Everyone glares at Rainbow Dash, who seems to realize what she did and smiles sheepishly at me.
"Uh, I mean..." Rainbow Dash mutters, then grins. "All you have to do is not worry about how those other ponies treat you, no matter how hurtful, or degrading, or totally uncool it is!" I believe I actually feel worse, now that I'm reminded about the specifics. Apparently this is showing on my face, because Rainbow Dash scrunches up her nose in guilt and slumps down in her throne.
"Gee, way to be subtle, Rainbow," Spike says sarcastically.
"Sorry..." Rainbow Dash mutters, avoiding eye contact with me.
Fluttershy chuckles nervously, and I look at her as she smiles warmly. "I'm sorry Discord," she apologized. "What Rainbow Dash meant to say was - "
"No, she's right..." I grumble with a sigh, much to everyone's surprise. It's the truth, actually. I think I've been avoiding actually discussing my main insecurity because of how awful it could be for me if it were to come true. Now there's no holding back; it's time to let it all out. I close my eyes and land on the floor on my stomach.
"What if Equestria really hasn't accepted me yet?" I start. "What if in their eyes I'm the same old evil chaos spirit who tried to rule over Equestria? What if my betrayal only justified their hate?" I open my eyes and roll on my back, staring up at the crystal walls. "Do you know what could happen to me? I could be shunned, despised, and some worse case scenarios I don't even want to think about!" I close my eyes once more. "And it'll all be my fault, because I caused my own downfall..."
At this moment I can feel all of my regrets and insecurities crashing down on me in full force. My eyes water, and I let the tears fall. There no point in hiding my emotions now. My dignity, and my self-worth, have dwindled down to nothing. I don't think I even care that six mares and a dragon are watching a being centuries older than them cry like a foal.
I suddenly feel a...pleasantly warm sensation around my body. I open my eyes to see Fluttershy hugging me gently. I didn't realize it yet, but the others had already gotten up and were joining in the hug one by one. I can't help but feel surprised at the sudden affection.
"Oh Discord, you poor thing..." Fluttershy said in sympathy. "I can't believe how much you're hurting..."
"You just want to fit in and be loved, don't you?" Rarity asked. I nodded with a small smile forming on my face. Finally they truly understand my plight. The ponies and dragon release me, and I sit up. Twilight looks at me with a friendly smile.
"Discord, you can't expect the road to redemption to be an easy one if you're all alone," she says. "But as your friends we're here to help you, no matter how long it takes."
My smile grows even larger at Twilight's promise. "Thank you, Twilight," I say sincerely and turn to the rest of the group. "Thank you all. I don't think I've ever met anypony as supportive as you seven."
"Well yeah, that's what friends are for, silly!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed. "After all, a true, true friend helps a friend in need!"
I chuckle at Pinkie Pie's cheerfulness. "Well it's a good thing I have such true friends then!" I reply and spread my arms. "How about another group hug?"
Everyone smiles and said 'awww!' as I gather the ponies and dragon in a huge hug. At this point I'm grinning like a goof. My joy is just too great to contain. At first I tried to take advantage of the friendship I was offered, but now I realize just how precious it is. And I also realize something else.
Friendship really does have its perks.