Hi My Name Is Kevin And I Hate Everything.

by ArcIsDead

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Crossover, Human, Comedy
Length: 1436

[Displaced fic] Okay here's a story we've all heard: Guy goes to convention in cosplay and gets turned into character bladda blah blah. The guy who did this to me didn't get the memo. I dressed as a demon, WHY AM I JELLY KID!?

[Displaced fic of sorts, rated Teen for swearing]

I heard a rumor. People go to conventions in costume and get turned into characters and have adventures and shit. I decided to test this, so I dressed as Mehrunes Dagon and planned to destroy some stuff. Then I woke up as Jelly Kid, trapped in a hamster cage. Godd*mn Jelly Kid.

I hate everything.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-06-25 17:46:31 UTC

Chapter One: I Hate Crusaders.

Ow. That was painful. I feel like shit... Okay maybe this was a terrible idea. But really who wouldn't take the chance. Go to convention in cosplay, get turned into favorite character have adventures. I dressed as Mehrunes Dagon so let's just see if it... Worked...

I looked down to see a pair of translucent nubs instead of arms. And instead of legs as well. And my whole body was a uniform translucent blue. I took a moment to get inventory of myself, and as a mature college student I kept my cool. Okay FINE I started screaming and running in circles. That's how I found that I wasn't able to speak anymore. I screamed my lungs out to no avail and flailed my limbs as I ran in circles completely freaked out of my mind. I starting my silent screaming anew when I figured I couldn't speak. After a moment of that I forced myself to calm down.

Okay. Okay WHAT THE HELL AM I!? GOOD GODS WHERE AM I!?

I slapped myself with one of my nub arms to snap myself out of it.

Okay, gotta keep my cool... Okay, where the hell am I?

I looked down at what looked like massive woodchips crunching beneath my...

Wait if my legs are nubs now do I still call them feet if I don't have feet? Uh... Okay I'm gonna keep calling them feet.

...feet as I ran. I looked and found that I was in a large rectangular cage, with blue painted bars. There was barely any room to stand or run in it,  but I still fit inside it. I glanced to my left and saw a bottle of water hanging on the side.

Oh gods... I'm in a goddamn hamster cage. OKAY I HATE THAT MERCHANT GUY!

I walk/wobbled up to the water bottle and saw myself reflected if a bit distorted. I was no longer myself I was...

...Jelly Kid...Mother....Fucking...JELLY KID!? I DRESSED AS A GOD OF DESTRUCTION NOT A TOAST GOBLIN!

I silently screamed again, though this time out of rage rather than fear. I looked outside the cage and saw that it was sitting on a table in what looked to be a child's clubhouse. On the wall was a crudely drawn map of a town of some sort and I saw some sort of orchard through the window. On the table with me was a pile of fabric seeming to be some kind of article of clothing, maybe a small cape? I couldn't be sure. Being small made it difficult to discern sizes of things close to me.

Okay. It's time I get out of this cage.

I found the latch to the cage on the ceiling of it. I attempted to climb up the side of the cage with the bars, only to slide back down. Turns out climbing is difficult to do with nubs. I was interrupted in my escape attempts by the door to the clubhouse slamming open, and three...horses....walking in.

...Wat.

One was a pegasus with orange fur, one was a unicorn with white fur, and the final one was a regular horse but with yellow fur.

Okay those are the most unnatural horses I have ever seen. All of them had heads that were almost as big as their bodies and giant... Monstrously big eyes... I suddenly understood what a deer in headlights felt being faced suddenly with six pits of unparalleled darkness. The white one spoke in a screeching grinding voice.

"Oh hey, the little guys' awake!"

I shuddered in fear, unsure of what fate they intended for me. The range one spoke next, followed by the yellow.

"Hey you're right Sweetie Belle! Now we can take him to Fluttershy to see what he is!"

"Hey, what makes ya so sure that it's a guy?"

The white one chipped in.

"I think she's a girl! She's too cute to be a guy!"

Oh I will destroy you if I ever get back to being human. I swear by my masculinity, I will repay this insult!

I concentrated all of my power, preparing to unleash my fury and break through this prison and to reign vengeance down on-

"Pshew!"

Goddammit.

I blinked and pondered my existence for a moment as I stared at the piece of bread that had appeared in my nub of a hand's grasp. The white one gasped, and then the orange and yellow decided to make their opinions known.

"Hey he made bread!"

"Awesome!"

"Maybe he's some kinda mytho-logical critter!"

Freakin' bread. Not even a loaf or toast or anything, just a single slice of white bread. I dropped it and looked back to the horses. The yellow hick horse spoke further.

"Well let's take the little feller to Fluttershy regardless, maybe she'll know what he is!"

The other two cheered and they all bumped hooves together and screamed out.

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADER UNKNOWN CREATURE IDENTIFIERS YAY!"

I was blown to the opposite side of the cage from how much force their yell projected. Before I could stand up the yellow one grabbed my cage and set it on her back and started galloping, shaking me around inside my prison. I pushed myself forward, wrapping my nubby arms around the bars of the cage to steel myself against the shaking. From the looks of it their clubhouse was built in some kind of apple orchard, and in the distance I could see some sort of farmhouse. It was late afternoon from what I could see of the sun, and I could see two larger horses...bucking trees. If it weren't for the fact that it seemed to succeed in dislodging apples I'd think they were mentally challenged. The three horses who held me captive continued forward, leading me towards the edge of a dense forest. More specifically a small cottage on the edge of it. All around it a menagerie of animals hung around. They knocked on the door and I shook in fear. Surely she who conquered the wild beasts before me was a force to be reckoned with! I could see a bear resting nearby among lesser creatures, seemingly tamed into behaving. I looked up in fear as the door opened and I glimpsed the great warrior who-

"Oh...H-Hello girls. I wasn't expecting anypony today...Um. What do you need?"

-would be a total disappointment. Okay so that went out the window. I sighed as the white horse spoke to this 'Fluttershy'.

"Hey Fluttershy! We found this weird little animal unconscious down at Sweet Apple Acres, we wanted to know if you knew what it was!"

"Oh my goodness girls why do you have him in such a small cage? The dear barely has any space to move in there!"

She moved forward with surprising speed and actually flew with the small pair of wings she had. She grabbed the cage and turned the latch. She tutted at the three 'crusaders' who were fiercely blushing as Fluttershy scooped me out of the cage with an odd hoof. If felt more like a pillar-shaped tentacle wrapped in a fur sock than a hard hoof like I'd expected... Weird. She took me out and set me down on the ground.

"Hey there little fella. One teensie second and I'll be right with you."

I blinked and deadpanned as she spoke to me in babytalk. I didn't like being talked down to but I did enjoy it as she scolded the three 'Crusaders' who I now realized were actually children. Well... I guess that made it a bit more normal that they thought my cage was a good way to hold an animal. PETA woulda gone apeshit on them though.

"Girls you should never keep a living creature in such conditions! It's cruel to keep something so defenseless in such awful conditions! Now apologize!"

They all looked sheepish and blushed, giving halfassed apologies.

"Sorry..."

"Sorry little feller..."

"Sorry dude..."

Fluttershy nodded resolutely at this.

"Good. And I'm afraid I don't know what he is, but I can check with Twilight tomorrow. Oh goodness look at the time! You girls should be headed home! Don't worry about the little one I'll keep him here until tomorrow, I have plenty of space for him."

They all nodded and started running off. I looked around and saw the sun setting in the distance. I looked back to Fluttershy in time to be grabbed by a flesh-hoof and plopped onto her back. She carried me into the dark interior of her cottage and I braced myself for whatever nightmares lay within...