Why can’t things ever go wrong one disaster at a time?
Hot, itchy, and with a crowd of ponies pushing against each other behind me, I did what any reasonable pony would do in this situation—I put on my biggest smile. Just keep smiling, Pinkie, I thought as sweat ran down my face. A few drops rolled over my lips, but no way was I gonna let that salty nastiness wipe away my grin. Just—just keep smiling, and maybe this will all just go away.
The sun hung over top of me and Twilight, beating down on us behind the little booth I had set up in front of Sugarcube Corner. We both had our backs to the booth and all the customers that had swarmed in to get a better look. I could hear the eager-beaver ponies behind us shoving and whispering to each other, but there was no time to worry about that; I had bigger fish to fry. Bigger fish that stood right in front of me.
Twilight poked me in the side as I stared and smiled like a goofball. “So uh, Pinkie, are you going to answer her?”
“Yes, is something the matter?” asked the “fish”—and by “fish”, I mean Celestia, Princess of Equestria, Raiser of the Sun, and all-around motherly figure to everypony. She had just come to a super graceful landing behind the stand, and I had a really really really bad feeling that I knew why.
“Nope!” I croaked. “Nothing wrong here, no, ma’am. I mean, uh, Princess.” More sweat rolled off my chin. “Heh, a bit hot out though, don’t you think?”
Princess Celestia gave me that warm smile of hers that does a really good job of calming ponies down, and the gross bubbly feeling in my tummy settled just a little bit. Maybe—just maybe—things wouldn’t be so bad.
“Well,” she said, blowing my hopes to smithereens, “if nothing is wrong, might I bother you for a kiss?”
Despite my rocky morning, despite the imaginary weights that rode my back, despite everything that had already happened—only right then, when the princess said those exact words in a voice that reminded me of my mother’s, did I realize that this was just gonna be one of those days.
You know that feeling you get when you have a really important story to tell but nopony to tell it to? Not “fate of Equestria” important, but important to you, and you just really really really want to share it? This story's like one of those, except with more kissing and candy and other fun stuff.
But before I get started for realsies, let’s get one thing straight: you can’t tell anypony about what you read here. And by “anypony”, I mean anypony. I’d be seriously super embarrassed if a few specific ponies knew about all of this, but I’ve gotta tell somepony, and Applejack always says how important it is to get stuff off my chest, and Twilight told me how it’s easier to say things in writing, and Rainbow Dash once said something along the lines of “something something confidence something something strength”, and now I’m rambling because stream-of-consciousness is just how Pinkie Pie rolls, baby.
Just so long as you keep this a secret, we won’t have any problems, capeesh?
Oh, I bet I know what you’re thinking—probably something like, “hold your horses—Pinkie Pie writes?” “what is Equestria coming to?” or maybe, “cake or pie?” to all of which I say, “duh,” “a wonderful future,” and “why not both?” Y’know, Twilight seemed pretty surprised too when I whipped out my quill and parchment, which if I’m completely honest, hurt my feelings just an eensy weensy bit. She might accidentally light her tail on fire every time she tries to make toast, but you won’t catch me asking her where she learned to bake, no-siree Bob.
I forget the point of this—oh, right, the story. Stream-of-consciousness, baby!
Anyway, the whole thing all started on an ordinary morning at the Ponyville market. Well, maybe more ordinaryish, now that I think about it. I had been feeling a little down in the dumps—more on that later—when Fluttershy had stopped by Sugarcube Corner and asked me to go with her to help pick out some veggies, which didn’t make a lot of sense at the time because she knows a lot more about that kind of stuff than I do. But I don’t need an excuse to hang out with my main mare—I’d say bestie, but that might hurt everypony else’s feelings—and that’s how I found myself trotting down the crowded Mane Street side-by-side with Fluttershy as I told her one of the best stories I could think of.
“So they ordered this ginormous cake,” I said to her, “and wanted it delivered that afternoon!”
Fluttershy put a hoof to her mouth and gasped. “Oh, my!” she said. Gotta admit, I love how easy it is to impress that mare. “Did you make it in time?”
“Puh-lease. Mr. and Mrs. Cake are old hooves at—” A purple flash in the distance caught my attention mid-story, and I looked away from Fluttershy to see Her, just turning onto Mane Street. Oh, geez—why couldn’t She have just waited, like, ten more minutes so we could buy our stuff and get away? “Eh heh, sure is hot out today,” I said with a little cough—y’know, cuz of the dry air, not the thick lump that had sprung up in my throat by complete coincidence. A dumpster in the nearby alleyway caught my attention. Nopony would ever think to look for me in a dumpster, right? I zipped over to it.
“Hm?” Fluttershy said, then she noticed Her coming our way as well and raised a hoof high into the air. “Oh, it’s Rari—” The sound of the dumpster’s lid creaking open cut her off. “Um, Pinkie, what are you doing?”
“Sh!” I said with two legs already in. A fly buzzed out around my head, but I had more important things to worry about. I probably had, like, ten seconds before She came ‘round the corner into the alley. “I’m not here!”
Fluttershy frowned and took a step forward. “What—”
The lid crashing down above me cut off whatever she would have said, leaving me alone in the dark to think about why I'd chosen a stinky dumpster of all places to totally not hide from somepony.
My feet sank into something soft and wet, and I kinda wished that there had been a nearby phone-booth or something for me to hide in instead. I don’t want to hate on the dumpster too much, though—maybe some ponies like to chill in them all the time, and that is a-okay with me. Let it never be said that Pinkamena Diane Pie is the judgemental type; if you wanna spend your time sitting in trash, that’s your business, buster.
So I hid in this dumpster for no particular reason, hoping that Fluttershy could figures things out on her own—I trusted her to help me out, like she always did. Not that I needed her to right then, you understand, but just in case. A little bit of light came in through a teeny, tiny hole in the dumpster’s side, so I decided to have a looksee. Well, lemme tell ya, it gave me the best view of Fluttershy’s keister—I could see each little hair in her pink cutie mark—but blocked everything else. That girl has a seriously nice hiney, but right then it worked against me.
I heard a light voice come from outside—Fluttershy’s voice, probably speaking to Her—but the words sounded all dull and echoey and hard to understand, what with the hiding-in-a-dumpster thing. After a break in her conversation, she giggled and took a few steps away from my peephole. I didn’t know why until I saw Her head rest on Fluttershy’s shoulder as they shared a hug.
Let me take a sec and explain something to you. Not that this has anything to do with anything at all, but by Her, I mean Rarity, the most beautiful pony I’ve ever known—and lemme tell ya, I’ve met a lot of ponies in my time. Some of them were princesses, but even they ain’t got nothin’ on Her. Those bright, sparkling eyes, that always shining coat, and that mane—oh, that mane. She always had it curled around in that fancy-pants style that left me feeling all fuzzy on the inside whenever I saw it; I wanted to wrap myself up in that thick, purply goodness and take a nap, the best nap anypony’s ever had while cocooned in somepony else’s warm blanket-mane.
...Don’t judge me.
So I stared through my peep-hole at Rarity’s face, and my heart started pounding—like, “visible to the naked eye” pounding. It had done this before, but still, that kind of thing scares me. What would you do if your heart literally exploded? Blowing up sits at the bottom of my list of "cool things to do". I mean, at least I already sat in a dumpster so nopony would have to clean up the mess I left behind, but wouldn’t that stink?
And then these little unwelcome thoughts starting jumping into my head. C’mon, rub each other a little. My heart pounded faster and faster by the second, but no matter how hard I tried, my brain just wouldn’t shut up. A little pat on the back, is that so much to ask for? I still feel bad about that one, but don’t you even think about pretending it wouldn’t be hot, because it totally would. So hot.
Uh—you remember those things I didn’t want certain ponies to know about, right? That last eensy bit about the hug is one of ‘em, so, y’know—mum’s the word and all that jazz.
Anyway, Rarity and Fluttershy never did anything but share a short hug—which I thought was totally lame and super relieving at the same time—then they both stepped away from each other and it was back to nothing but an eye-full of Flutterbooty for me. Not to knock on Fluttershy or anything, but her keister was the only thing that kept me from seeing heaven.
A whole ten minutes or so passed while I sat there in the dark waiting for Rarity to walk away with nothing to do but look at Fluttershy’s butt and try not to choke on the stink. Didn’t want to interrupt their chat or anything. And anyway, I wanted to sit there and get gunk in my coat. But lucky me, just as the smell had started to make my tummy feel icky, the dumpster lid cracked open and Fluttershy peeked in.
“Um, Pinkie?” she said. “You can come out now.”
I burst out of there like a jack-in-a-box, sending Fluttershy falling back with a squeak—have I ever mentioned how adorable she can be sometimes?—but I didn’t have the breath to apologize. You never know how yummy the air tastes until you’ve spent ten minutes stuck in the a garbage bin, and I couldn’t do anything but suck in lungful after lungful for a few seconds.
“Looks like this dumpster is a-okay,” I finally wheezed to poor, dazed Fluttershy. Y’see, the key was to play the whole thing off, otherwise she might have suspected something. “No parasprites in there, nosiree.” Aw yeah, another Pinkie-perfect delivery.
“You were checking for parasprites?” Fluttershy asked as she climbed back to her hooves. “I thought you were hiding from Rari—”
“Rarity was here? Dang, I missed her yet again!” See how I put out the line? You might not have realized this about me, but Auntie Pinkie knows a thing or two about fishing. Just watch Fluttershy take the bait.
“Oh, so you didn’t see her,” Fluttershy said, nodding, exactly as planned. “Never mind, then—I was scared you wanted to avoid her, but I clearly misunderstood the situation.”
Hook, line, and sinker; now all that I had to do was get a shower and get on with my life. Pinkie Pie, you’re a genius.
“It’s just…” Fluttershy gazed at me through her long lashes. “Lately, you always disappear or hide somewhere every time Rarity comes by.”
The fish is on to me! Plan B! Plan B!
“O-oh, really?” I said, wiping sweat from my face. “Weird, huh? But you know me—weird old Pinkie Pie, that’s my name—I do weird stuff all the time, am I right?”
That was Plan B? Who would ever fall for Plan B? Nopony, that’s who. Plan B stinks!
“I suppose that makes sense,” Fluttershy said with a smile.
Plan B rocks. You’ve outdone yourself this time, Pinkie.
But standing there staring at her, I felt something wiggle in my belly. You know that feeling, when you’ve done something bad and your tummy decides he ain’t gonna stand for it? Yeah, that feeling—every time I thought about tricking Fluttershy like that, the feeling slugged me in the gut. And who could say, maybe having somepony I could talk to about my problem would make me feel a teensy bit better.
Then, as I tried to figure it out, my ear twitched twice, followed by a shiver down my spine, which in Pinkie Sense means “you’re making a terrible mistake.” I hate the terrible mistake signal—I ignored this one a few times before, and hoo boy, lemme tell ya, it never ends well. That pretty much made up my mind for me. I took a deep breath and slowly turned to her.
“Actually, you’re right.” Why does sharing mushy stuff have to be so hard? “I have been avoiding Rarity.”
It took a moment for Fluttershy’s brain to catch up, but after a long moment, she reared back and gasped. “Oh, no! What’s wrong? Did you two have a fight? Is she mad at you? Are you mad at her? Oh, dear, oh, my, we have to fix this!”
“Actually—” I began, but she just kept right on a-goin’. Ponies in this town are terrible at listening, sometimes.
“I could invite you both over and you could make up over tea. Yes, that might work. Tea could work. But—but what if Rarity figures it out and gets even angrier? She won’t want to come over at all, and things will just get worse!” She scrunched up her face all adorable-like. “Think, Fluttershy, think!”
“But—” I tried again.
“Wait, I have it!” Fluttershy said. Like I told you—terrible at listening. “I’ll kidnap Opal and leave a ransom note, while you—”
Whenever I talk a lot, other ponies tend to stuff one of their hooves into my mouth, which is gross, gross, gross when you take a moment to think about it. Who knows where that thing’s been? Maybe they scratched their butt a few seconds ago, and now I have their butt-hoof in my mouth. I mean, my hooves are always covered in sugar and chocolate and good stuff like that, so having mine shoved in your mouth would probably be a treat, but not everypony can work in a bakery like me, y’know? So I instead grabbed Fluttershy’s face and held her still.
“Fluttershy,” I said, putting on my game-face to let her know I meant business. I don’t often bring the game-face out, but when I do, you can rest assured that business is meant. “Stop worrying—Rarity and I didn’t fight.” Serious business.
Her cheeks squished up like dough between my hooves, and it was all I could do to not laugh. Never—and I mean never—drop your game-face for any reason, ever. Seriously.
“Really?” she said, lips puffed out, and I dropped my game-face to giggle.
Oh, come on—that is so not fair! How could she be so cute? Yeah yeah, I laughed—so what? Fluttershy basically cheated, so it doesn’t count.
Anyway, I giggled and let her go. “Of course we didn’t, silly.”
“Oh—that’s a relief,” Fluttershy said, sighing. “But if that’s not it, then… why?”
Oh yeah, I was going to get all mushy and admit some really private, embarrassing stuff to her, wasn’t I? Time to face the truth. “Fluttershy,” I said as I fell over backwards into some soft grass, “you gotta keep this a secret.” Normally I’d ask for a Pinkie Promise, but me and my Flutterbuddy, we’d gone past that—if she said she’d keep something secret, then she’d do it, no questions asked.
“I won’t tell anyone,” she said, just like I knew she would.
“Okey dokey.” My voice got all quiet and she leaned in closer. “Fluttershy… I think I’m in love.”
Her face lit up like she’d just remembered it was her birthday. “In lo—” She probably realized right away that it wasn’t actually her birthday, because her little smile disappeared and she sat down heavily beside me. “You’ve avoided Rarity because you’re in love.”
“Yuh-huh.” As I lay there, the late-morning sun warmed my tummy in a way that made me think of chocolate pudding. No, I don’t know why either, but now I really want some pudding.
“In love with Rarity,” Fluttershy went on. Dang, that mare sure can pick up on things sometimes.
“Yuh-huh.” Rich chocolate pudding with whipped cream and chocolate shavings scattered on top… Or maybe a parfait with a layer of crushed chocolate cookies. Yes, definitely that.
“You’re avoiding Rarity because you’re in love with her.”
Y’know, I’d bet you anything that Fluttershy likes butterscotch. I’m a chocolate-girl for life, but she’s definitely butterscotch—you can see it in her eyes.
Speaking of her eyes, when I rolled over to look at her, they shimmered, almost like she was about to cry. “Yuh huh,” I said after a moment.
“That, um, that most certainly is, uh, is a thing,” Buttershy said in a shaky voice. “Oh, but—but—” When she saw me staring, a wide smile instantly spread across her face “—but I-I’m very happy for—for you!” She wiped at her eyes for a moment.
“Well, I’m not happy.” I sat up, ears drooping. “Who wants to get all nervous and mopey every time one of their best friends walks by?” I hate it when my ears droop; like, how much more obvious can you make it? “Besides, she probably wants somepony better than me—somepony with class and taste and charm, not plain-old boring goofy Pinkie Pie.”
Flutterscotch leaned towards me. “Don’t speak like that about yourself,” she said as she placed a hoof on my shoulder. “There’s nothing plain, or-or boring about you. You—you’re considerate, a-and caring, and always smiling whenever anypony needs cheering up, and-and—”
I gotta say, good ol’ Flutterscotch can always make me feel better. Her words were your standard “you can do it!”-type stuff, but the way she said them, or maybe how serious her face looked—I dunno, for some reason, I believed her. I bet tons of ponies appreciate her for this; I know I do.
“—and you’re-you’re… you’re perfect.” An eensy-weensy smile lit up her face in a way a big one never could. “Just perfect.” She must’ve let the moment carry her away, because now she stared at me with glazed eyes. Not actually glazed, because that would hurt like the dickens—also, ew! Gross!—but you get what I mean.
“Sorry for acting like such a party pooper,” I said, putting on my widest grin. “Thanks for being such a good friend—I’d hug you, but I smell like a dumpster.” Which was honestly a shame, ‘cuz I really wanted that hug.
“Oh, um—” Buttershy’s attention returned from whatever faraway place it had visited. “Yes. Uh, dumpster.”
I sniffed myself and winced—no, stinky garbage did not make for a happy Pinkie Pie, especially if I planned to ever make a move on Rarity. “Hey, if you don’t mind waiting at Sugarcube Corner for me to get all squeaky clean, I’ll whip up something tasty for us.” I cast my eyes about conspiratorially—cool word, right? Twilight couldn’t believe I knew it, either. “And I could really use some advice with Rarity—nopony knows her like you do!”
For a moment I could’ve sworn that her face fell, but then she had her super-wide smile back—probably just a random shadow playing tricks on me, or something.
“I’d be happy to help you,” she said with a nod.
“Woohoo!” I shouted. “Thanks, Flutterscotch! You’re a pal!”
Flutterscotch’s smile faltered. “Um, do you mean—”
“No time to wait!” I said, taking off. “Let’s go!”
I made sure to run slowly enough for her to keep up, and we set off for Sugarcube Corner to hopefully solve my huge problem and have fun at the same time.
“But who’s Flutterscotch?”
It came to me in a flash of inspiration. Well, it actually came to me in the bathtub if you want to split hairs, but that’s rude and nopony appreciates it, so why don’t you stop doing that and just let me tell my story?
So like I said, it came to me in a flash of bathtub-inspiration—a tub-piphany, if you will. Oh, Twilight wants me to explain to her how I know all these complicated words, like “epiphany” and “conspiratorially”. Let’s just say that Mama Pie didn’t raise no fool, and leave it at that. I wish Twilight would stop reading this over my shoulder—it’d stink if she sees when I eventually reveal that really big secret of hers that she doesn’t want anypony to know. Ha, now she’s panicking! You should see the look on her face—priceless! No, there’s not an actual secret—not one that I know, anyway—but can you just imagine if there was? She would kill me.
Um… where was I, again? Oh right, the tub-piphany.
Right before I came upstairs, Fluttershy had told me a bit about Rarity as I mixed up some brownies for us. I already knew most of what she said—how Rarity likes super-fancy shindigs and really expensive clothes that you can never ever get messy, how she goes for traditional lovey-dovey displays and sappy romantic things, and stuff like that—so hearing it all again kinda left me feeling more blue than pink. Fluttershy seemed happy, though—the whole time, she talked with this super-big smile, the kind normally only I wear ‘cuz I never notice until my jaws lock up and I have to eat through a straw for a day or two. But hey, if she wanted that sweet, sweet liquid diet for herself—and lemme tell ya, Mrs. Cake makes the most amazing strawberry-banana smoothies—then who can blame her?
The point is that, even if I knew that I had next to no chance with Rarity, I couldn’t let Fluttershy know that I knew, because I knew that if she knew that I knew, it’d wipe the smile right off of her face, and Pinkie Pie is not about that kind of life, so I just grinned right along with her.
Up in the bathtub, though, with just Gummy for company was a whooole different story. A hot bubble-bath tends to get me thinking, and right then, my brain just wanted to think about Rarity.
I slid down onto my back, so that my mouth dipped underwater, and blew a few bubbles. Does blowing bubbles make you feel better? It almost always makes me feel better. Maybe it has something to do with my parents. “Pinkamena,” Papa Pie would always say, “the bathtub is for washing, not playing. And never forget to scrub behind your ears—Nightmare Moon comes and eats up little ponies who have dirty ears.”
Well, look at me now, Daddy—you can’t control this mare so easily! I can blow bubbles whenever I want. But this time, the bubbles didn’t work; that heavy feeling in my tummy just wouldn’t go away no matter how many underwater-raspberries I blew.
“How do you win over a pony who wants something you’re not?” I said, making myself a bubble-beard. Gummy floated out of a bubble-berg and blinked at me. “What do you think, Gummy?”
Blink-blink.
“Yeah, it’s a toughie, alright.” I splashed a little bit of water with my hind legs. “I guess the worst part is she still sees me as a friend. What do you even do about that?”
Gummy slowly spun in a circle. Blink-blink.
“You think maybe it’s a sudden thing?” I asked as he bumped up against the side of the tub. “Like, she suddenly realizes she’s in love?.” My nose scrunched up as I thought back. “It was for me, I think. One day I see her as my friend, the next—bam! I’ve suddenly got the hots for Rarity.”
Blink-blink.
I picked him up and stared into his eyes. “So it’d work like that with Rarity too, right?”
Blink. Blink-blink.
I thought back to Fluttershy’s advice. ”Rarity loves big gestures and shows of emotion,” she had told me. ”The more romantic, the better.” Then she talked about their time together at the spa and told a cute story from her foal-hood and mentioned something about Angel Bunny that I can’t remember now, and then the brownies went into the oven and I hopped in the bathtub to wash away the stinky dumpster-smell.
If you take away anything from that, just remember the “grand, romantic gestures” part—that’s the important one.
“So she’d probably like something from a fairy tale,” I said, hugging Gummy close. “And the most romantic part in a fairy tale happens when the princess gets her kiss and lives happily ever after.”
Gummy’s tongue flicked out to lick his eyeball. Blink-blink.
I squeezed him a little tighter. “But I can’t just go up to her and kiss her out of nowhere!” The weight in my belly got just a little bit heavier. “If only I could get her to kiss me—”
My eyes snapped open wide; that one thought echoed over and over in my head. If only I could get her to kiss me.
“Gummy, that’s it!” I shouted, holding him over my head. “I figured it out! Sorry, gotta run—Fluttershy needs to hear this!” Gummy’s expression didn’t change, but I knew that deep on the inside he was super excited, too. I dropped him back into the tub and hopped out and over to the door, feeling bubblier than I had felt in a long time.
Then I paused and went back to scrub behind my ears. Hey, you can’t be too careful.
Anyway, I zipped downstairs to find Fluttershy sitting by herself at a table in the corner, head propped up on one hoof. She had seemed so happy earlier, but that wide smile of hers had vanished, replaced by downcast eyes and a frown. Maybe I had spent too long upstairs and she got bored.
“Fluttershy!” I shouted as I dropped onto the stool across from her.
She squeaked and rocked backwards, nearly toppling over—so adorable. “Pinkie,” she said breathily. Her cheeks reddened; I could see it even through her coat. “I-I’m sorry, my mind went elsewhere, and—”
“Fluttershy, I got it! I figured out a foolproof way to solve all my problems!” I felt bad for interrupting her—interrupting is always rude, and don’t ever let anypony tell you different—but I couldn’t help myself.
“D-did you?” she asked. That little tremor in her voice must’ve come from me surprising her. “What did you come up with?”
“Fluttershy,” I said, rounding the table and throwing a foreleg around her shoulders, “allow me to introduce you to Operation: Pinkie Pie’s Kissing Booth of Fate.” Not bad for a name I came up with on the spot, right?
She glanced me sidelong. “Your—your what?”
“Like you said, Rarity likes super mushy sappy stuff, and nothing’s mushier than realizing your true love with a kiss! All I had to do was figure out how to get her to kiss me, and the rest was easy-peasy.” That stupid feeling in my tummy slowly but surely slid away until I felt like a brand-new Pinkie Pie. “I just set up a kissing booth, convince all my friends to come by, smooch Rarity, and she’ll know we’re meant for each other before you know it!”
“That’s—” Fluttershy gave me a big, shaky smile. I didn’t know what that meant—smiles don’t usually shake—but hey, at least she was happy! “That’s wonderful. Con-congratulations, Pinkie.”
“Thanks!” I said, squeezing her closer. “This’ll work for sure, and I’ll be back to normal old Pinkie Pie in no time!”
“Um—”
A sudden ding from the kitchen told me the food had finished baking, and everypony knows that nothing goes better with good news than a hot brownie and a glass of milk. “Be back in a jiffy!” I said, hopping away.
In the kitchen, I slid the tray out of the oven and cut the brownies into squares. As a side note, any little colts and fillies reading this should always remember to be careful when using a knife—sharp things can cut you, and nopony wants that. As another side note to those same colts and fillies, this story isn’t for ponies of your age. Why don’t you go ask your parents for a coloring book or something?
Anyway, with a plate of steaming brownies and two glasses of milk, I bounced back out to Fluttershy, only to find her hunched over the table. “Brooooownies,” I sang, setting everything down carefully.
Unfotunately, “carefully” was still enough to startle her, and her head snapped back. “H-hi,” she said in a trembly voice as she turned away, but not before I saw the tear streaks on her cheeks.
And just like that my tummy sank again, this time even heavier than before. I sat down next to her and reached out to turn her face towards me. “Fluttershy, what’s wrong?”
“N-nothing,” she said with a little sniff that totally convinced me she had told the truth. “Nothing at-at all.”
Luckily, this wasn’t my first Fluttercry situation, and so I knew exactly what to do. “Quick, Fluttershy, eat this!” I shouted, shoving a brownie into her face before she could say anything.
“Alright!” she said, wide eyed. I watched as she took a small bite and gasped. “Hot! Too hot!”
Okay, so maybe I had meant to shock her with amazing, rich, chocolatey flavor, but searing agony worked too. Probably. “Milk! Drink the milk! Hurry!”
Fluttershy snatched up the glass and nearly dumped it over her face in her desperation; little bits of milk dribbled down her cheeks as she drank until finally she laid the glass down and sighed.
“Are you okay?” I yelled.
“I think so!” she shouted back, gasping for breath.
I glanced at the still-steaming brownies and shrugged. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to burn you!”
“It’s okay! The brownie tasted wonderful!” She grinned weakly.
“Would you like another glass of milk?”
“No, thank you!” Fluttershy paused and put a hoof to her chin. “Why are we still yelling?”
“I dunno,” I said in an indoors-voice. For a long moment we stared at each other, then both of us fell onto our backs beside each other, laughing. Fluttershy held her sides as she giggled, which made me feel a lot better and laugh even harder myself.
When we finally managed to drag ourselves back onto our stools, I saw that just about everypony in the whole entire room had stopped eating to stare at us. Mrs. Cake, standing at the cash register, rolled her eyes in that “you’re killin’ me, Pinkie” way she does.
I felt my cheeks burn and chuckled. “Sorry, everypony,” I said, and they all slowly went back to doing whatever they were doing.
And now, let me take a quick break here to explain what exactly just happened. You see, for as long as I’ve known Fluttershy, almost nothing has been able to break my heart as much as seeing her cry. Like, imagine a sad puppy, and then multiply that sadness by a bajillion, and you might get an idea of how much sadness we’re talkin’ here. So, in order to stop that from happening, I came up with “Pinkie Pie’s Patented Three-Step System to Cheering Up Your Fluttershy”, also known as PPPTSSCUYF. I know, I know—the name stinks; I’m workin’ on it, okay? Cut me some slack.
Anyway, if you follow these steps, you, too, can keep your Fluttershy in tippy-top shape and smiling all day long:
Step 1: Distract the crying Fluttershy from her woes.
Step 2: Once the distracted Fluttershy has stopped crying, talk about her woes with her.
Step 3: Hug the Fluttershy; repeat Step 3 as needed.
As you probably already guessed, I just pulled off Step 1. It almost backfired on me, but a last-minute save turned things around just in time. Now I gotta move on to Step 2 while the fudge’s still cooling, or whatever the saying is.
“So, anything you want to talk about?” I asked her.
Her grin fell away for a split-second, but then she had it right back in place and bigger than before. “No, I feel a lot better now.”
“Really?” I narrowed my eyes and leaned in. “Then why were you crying?”
“That little thing?” she said with a wave of her hoof. “I’ve just felt, um, tired today, that’s all.” She picked up her brownie and nibbled at it like a squirrel, and I almost skipped to Step 3 right then and there.
“You cry when you’re tired?” Fluttershy still seemed a bit shaky, but sleepiness can do that to a pony.
“Mmhmm.” She used a napkin to wipe away the milk all over her face. “But thanks to you, I feel a lot better, so—thanks, Pinkie.”
Well, let’s put a check mark next to Step 2 and move on to my favorite part; I wrapped my forelegs around her and pulled her into a tight hug. “That’s what I’m here for! Whenever you feel down, just say the word and I’ll have you smiling in no time.”
Ah, the fabled Flutterhug, that most elusive of warm, snuggly treats. Not many ponies can get close enough to Fluttershy for a hug, but those that do know of its wonders, like her soft coat, her gentle hooves, the way her mane smells really pretty like a bunch of flowers—Flutterhugs are the best. I wonder what my mane smells like; it probably has a bunch of stuff like flour and sugar mixed into it, so I guess it’d smell like a bakery, which doesn’t seem like a very nice smell to me, but what can ya do?
Good thing Fluttershy likes hugs as much as I do, because we probably hugged for—I dunno, thirty seconds? Yeah, probably thirty whole seconds before it started to feel weird and we had to let go. Leaving the Flutterhug is like climbing out of bed in the morning—nopony wants to do it, but sometimes you just gotta.
“If you want, I’m ready to-to hear about this kissing booth,” Fluttershy said, throwing on her big smile. Sheesh, she’d been wearing that one a lot lately.
I didn’t really think much about it, though, because the thought of wooing Rarity shoved just about everything else out of my head. “Here’s the plan, ma’am: tomorrow afternoon, I’ll set up a little booth right outside Sugarcube Corner, and anypony who wants a kiss can just walk up and get one. I’m sure all my friends’ll want in on it, because who doesn’t love a good smooch every now and then? And when Rarity kisses me and realizes our undying love for each other, the rest’ll work itself out.” Not much feels better than coming up with a good plan, right? I took a bite of victory-brownie and grinned. “Perfect, huh?”
“But, um—” Fluttershy’s hooves played with the end of her mane as she talked “—what if she doesn’t feel the same way you do?” Her eyes remained glued to the table.
Hoo boy, didn’t expect her to drop that one on me, but a second of thinking gave me my answer. “Nah, that won’t happen,” I said, taking another bite. The victory-brownie tasted a little too sweet for my liking—too much sugar, probably, which I don’t say very often. With chocolate, you gotta make sure that you don’t overwhelm the flavor, something a lot of ponies don’t understand. “No way would I feel like this if she didn’t feel the exact same way. She’s probably sending out signals or something that I didn’t really notice. If this ain’t true love, I don’t know what is.”
“Um, maybe this is wrong, but I don’t think it works that way,” she said in a shaky voice. “Just because y-you like somepony else doesn’t mean they’ll like you back.” She said something else really softly, but I was more focused on the first two parts.
“I don’t think I could stand it if Rarity said no to me.” I had thought Fluttershy would agree with me, not try to shoot me down. Why’d she have to try to burst my bubble? “If love doesn’t work that way, then what’s the point?”
She tugged sharply on a lock of her hair. “It feels terrible to get your hopes up, only to be disappointed,” she almost whispered. “A-and I just can’t see you get hurt—”
The front door opened, ringing the little bell, and two ponies pranced in—Twilight Sparkle and Her. In the split-second before they looked over, I slid under the table where She wouldn’t see me. In a way I appreciated the distraction—my conversation with Fluttershy had really bummed me out, so taking a break was just what the doctor ordered.
“Pinkie,” Fluttershy said quietly, looking down at me, “you can’t avoid Rarity forever.”
I hugged her legs tightly. “Just watch me!”
“But if you can’t face her here, how can you kiss her tomorrow?” she asked. Sheesh, of all the times for Fluttershy to assert herself, it had to be right then. I mean, she had a good point and all, but when you feel as nervous as I did, you tend not to notice little details like that.
I could see Twilight and Rarity’s hooves turn towards our table and carry them over. “Shh! They’re coming!”
“Fluttershy!” Twilight said cheerily.
“Hello again, dear,” Rarity’s angelic voice said. She stopped right in front of me, close enough that I could’ve reached out and touched her. Oooooh, to run a hoof along that amazing tail—it made me shake so hard I could barely keep my teeth from chattering. “Fancy meeting you again.”
Fluttershy sat low enough that she could reach out and pat me on the shoulder without anypony noticing, a gesture that was really thoughtful of her and made me feel a lot less nervous. Not less-nervous enough to come out, though.
“Hello, girls!” she said. “Did you come to have lunch?”
Twilight plopped herself onto the stool across the table from Fluttershy, making me yank my hind legs back before she kicked them and noticed me. “I wanted to take a sandwich home with me and Rarity decided to tag along, but if you’re here, I’d be happy to join you. And, uh—” She leaned down and looked at me “—Pinkie, is there any reason you’re hiding down there?”
Curse you, Twilight! Curse you and your smarty smart-pants! Why couldn’t you have worn your dumb-pants out today? A super icky feeling trickled down my back as I popped back up next to Fluttershy. “Just cleaning up! Yep, cleaning! Because who wants to sit at a dirty table, am I right?”
“You most certainly are,” Rarity said, sweeping her tail aside so she wouldn’t sit on it. “Thank you for your consideration.”
“Yep, you got it!” I didn’t look at her—I couldn’t look at her. My cheeks already felt real hot, like I’d spent hours in front of the oven; they’d probably light on fire if I so much as peeked into those gorgeous eyes of hers. This wouldn’t have been a problem if somepony hadn’t ruined my hiding spot.
“These brownies look delicious!” Twilight said brightly, and despite everything, I grinned. You just can’t stay mad at her, especially not for something she didn’t even mean to do; she’s always so enthusiastic about stuff—even a boring old plate of brownies—that you can’t help but love her to pieces.
“Eat away,” I said, pushing the plate across the table, adding in a tight voice, “Both of you!”
As Twilight and Rarity each helped themselves, Fluttershy leaned towards me. “Do you want to tell them about the kissing booth now?” she whispered.
“I can’t,” I hissed back. “You do it.”
“Pinkie…”
Before I could say anything else, Rarity coughed delicately. “Whatever are you two whispering about over there?”
“Noth—” I began.
“Pinkie has something she wants to say,” Fluttershy said.
Twilight leaned in to grab another brownie. “What is it?” she asked with her mouth half-full, earning a glare from Rarity. You’ve always gotta be careful around Rarity when eating if you don’t wanna get the stink-eye—she gets real touchy about your table manners and stuff like that.
Fluttershy refused to meet my eyes, so I decided to just take a deep breath and get it over with. “I’m going to have a kissing booth tomorrow morning and I want both of you and all of our friends to come!” I said real fast. Little drops of sweat ran down my forehead, but I barely noticed them.
“What’s a kissing booth?” Twilight asked.
“Well, um,” I said, tapping my forehooves together, “I set up a stand and anypony who wants a kiss can come by and get one.”
Twilight’s face lit up like she’d figured it all out. “Oh! So, like a lemonade stand!”
“Not quite,” Rarity said with reassuring pat on Twilight’s back. “But close enough, I suppose. Although I must ask, Pinkie, what spurred this decision of yours?”
“Wh-what do you mean?” I asked, wiping my forehead.
“I mean exactly that,” she said. “You must have a reason for deciding to open a kissing booth.”
I stared straight down at the table. “A reason, huh?” Well, I hadn’t really thought that one through. Clearly I couldn’t tell her the real reason—that I wanted to mooch a smooch—but I couldn’t make one up on the spot to tell her, either. Sitting there with Rarity staring at me made my brain feel all weird and woozy, like when you get spun around a lot at a party game and have to take a time-out before you get sick and Mrs. Cake docks your pay because you just threw up all over a customer. Yeah, exactly like that. “Well, uh…”
“Charity,” Fluttershy said suddenly, saving my bacon. Have I ever mentioned how much I love that pony? Because I really love that pony. “Each kiss is worth five bits, and all the money will go to charity.” I love that pony so much.
Rarity gave me a shining smile as she leaned even closer, which only made me pull my shoulders in tighter. “Pinkie, that is marvelous! Of course we’ll all come and help support—” Suddenly, her eyes widened. “Kisses, you say, yes? Oh, Fluttershy, I just remembered! Right outside I saw—um—a butterfly!” She hopped to her hooves. “Yes, a beautiful butterfly right outside the door, but I just could not remember what kind. Would you be a dear and come have a look with me?”
“You could just describe it to me,” Fluttershy mumbled, which made me glance at her—normally she’d drop anything and everything to go look at wildlife. I mean, unless she was already looking at wildlife, and it wouldn’t make sense for her to drop wildlife to go look at wildlife, would it? Unless not all wildlife was made equal, in which case she’d have to choose which one she liked more and make a hard decision over whether or not looking at one bit of wildlife would make the other bit of wildlife feel bad, and for some reason everything tastes like copper now.
“Oh, no, you simply must come with me.” Rarity grabbed Fluttershy’s hoof and dragged her around the table and out the door.
Twilight stared after them for a second before she shrugged. “I don’t remember Rarity saying anything about a butterfly,” she said, picking up another brownie. “Weird. By the way, these brownies taste fantastic.”
“Thanks,” I muttered. Now that Rarity had left, the weight in my stomach lifted a little bit and I could relax, unbuckle my belt, let my hair down, lean back, let a load off—you get the point. Would’ve been nice if she’d left Fluttershy behind, though; I felt way too nervous for my own good, and poor Twilight probably didn’t have it in her to help.
“So,” Twilight said as if on cue, “a kissing booth for charity, huh?” Why, Twilight, why? Why d’you always gotta know exactly what not to say and then say it? “Sounds like a great way to help out a lot of ponies in need.”
But now that I thought about it, Rarity had seemed pretty excited by the charity bit, which left me sitting up a little straighter. If I played my cards right—and what kind of Pie doesn’t know how to play cards, I ask you—that whole charity-thing might be my ticket to winning her love forever. Of course she’d want to help out with something like that.
“Did you and Fluttershy work it out by yourselves?” Twilight went on. “Is that what you two have been up to for the past few weeks?”
The past few weeks? “Nope, we just thought it up half an hour ago,” I said. “What’s so important about the past few weeks?”
“Well, uh, it’s just that for a few months now, you and Fluttershy have spent so much time together.” She took another bite of brownie, chewing slowly. “Some ponies might think you’re hogging her.”
“I ain’t no Flutterhog!” I said, which got a laugh out of Twilight. Aw yeah, feelin’ better already. “Maybe we’ve hung out just a teensy bit more than usual, but it doesn’t mean anything, right?”
Twilight finished the brownie and patted her stomach. “I guess you’re right,” she said. “But anyway, we’re all really proud of you for wanting to help other ponies in need.” Suddenly, her eyes lit up. “Speaking of help—can I help you out? You could use some posters, right? Spike and I could handle that for you!”
Y’know, at times like these, you might get this little voice in your head that warns you of danger. It doesn’t know anything specific about the danger or why you should be worried, just that you should keep your eyes open. Twilight’s offer to make posters made that little voice in my head scream like a baby banshee who just dropped her ice-cream cone.
“Uh—” I stared into her eyes, so bright and excited and ready to make a friend happy, and realized that she had won before the fight even started—you just can’t say no to Twilight’s enthusiasm. “Sure,” I said with a sigh. “A poster here and there won’t hurt.”
“Yay!” she said, sliding from her stool. The door opened and Rarity and Fluttershy came back in, but Twilight didn’t even look at them as she dashed past. “See you tomorrow morning, Pinkie! Bye, Fluttershy! Bye, Rarity!”
I’ll tell you right now—always listen to that screaming little voice in your head. Always. Bad things happen when you don’t.
Anyway, Fluttershy hopped back onto her stool and started fidgeting with her mane again. I peeked at her to see if I could catch her attention, but it looked like she had gone to another world, going by the super-distant look in her eyes. And if Fluttershy was basically out to lunch, that left me alone with—
“So, Pinkie Pie,” Rarity said as she pulled out the stool on my left and slid onto it, “about this kissing booth of yours—” Her mane brushed my shoulder, sending little jolts of happy-shocky-goodness shooting all throughout my body, and I couldn’t stop myself from twitching away. “Ah, are you all right?”
“Yeppers,” I said through my clenched teeth. Seriously, not one of my finer moments, but what did you expect? The mare of my dreams sat right next to me—close enough for me to smell her sweet minty breath, for cryin’ out loud—and here I could barely even talk, and don’t even think about looking at her.
“Very well,” she said after a super long, awkward pause. “I just wanted to tell you how proud I am to be friends with such a caring pony.” Before I knew it, she had her forelegs wrapped around me; I almost melted into pink goo, which would have grossed her out big time now that I think about it.
By the time I noticed the hug had ended, she stood by the door and waved at us. “I shall see you both tomorrow. And Fluttershy,” she added with a glance at my Flutterbuddy, “remember what we spoke of.” Fluttershy grunted softly. “Ta-ta!”
“See ya,” I mumbled, doing my best not to topple over from the warm, fuzzy feelings in my tummy. When I finally managed to glance up, she had already left. Geez, it weirded me out how much being around Rarity scared me.
So things had gone from bad to good to better then back to bad then finally stopped on kind-of good; I could handle that. Beside me, Fluttershy kept on fidgeting, so I threw my foreleg over her shoulders.
“So, Flutterbuddy, what’s going on?” I said as my smile got wider and wider. “Did you get to see the butterfly?” If there’s one thing Fluttershy loves, it’s talking about her animal friends. Well, that and actually taking care of her animal friends. And she definitely loves butterscotch—I’d bet you a squillion bits that she loves butterscotch.
But even after I mentioned the butterfly, it took her a few seconds to look at me. “I’m-I’m sorry, Pinkie, but I—” She gulped loudly “—I really need to go.”
“Go?” I asked; that was unexpected. That heavy feeling—which, by the way, gets really really annoying after, like, the third or fourth time it hits you—tried to drag me down. “Right now? What for?”
“I have a, um—” Fluttershy stood so quickly she nearly pulled me with her. “I have something very important to take care of.”
I trotted behind her to the door. “Anything I can help with?”
“No, it’s, um, an animal thing,” she said, pushing the door open. “Bye.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow morning!” I called after her before the door closed in my face. Sure, she had hurried to get out of there, but I could always count on Fluttershy—no way would she skip out on me when I needed her most.
With that thought in mind, I trotted into the kitchen and from there into the closet to get a hammer and nails—that kissing booth wasn’t going to build itself.
