Chapters Villains Of Equestria Unite!
Mr. Grimm looked at the computer screen as he pulled up Fim Fiction.
“Let’s see what’s new today,” he thought as he read the new list of stories. “Hm…Alternate-War-Future…Human in Equestria…another Human in Equestria…Shipping…More shipping…Grimdark…Tyrannical Celestia…” He fell back in his chair and sighed. He was feeling particularly depressed as he had developed a severe case of writer’s block. He had gotten depressed because he couldn’t write, and because he couldn’t write, he had gotten depressed. He had tried to find some comedy on Fim Fiction to cheer himself up, but there seemed to be a profound lack of comedy in relation to drama. This, in addition to outside sources of stress, contributed to the sudden and rather chilling smile that appeared on his face. It became quite clear to him what he had to do. It was so brilliant, so logical, he thought himself an idiot for not thinking of it sooner. If he couldn’t find a comedy…He’d make a crack-fic! Mr. Grimm suddenly leapt from his chair and began singing a parody of a song from a computer game he’d never played in his life.
These fanfic tales are much too clean, So dull and dry, a lifeless dream! I’ll brew one odd, I’ll craft it strange, I’ll make it weird and quite deranged! This site’s full up of somber tales, Their seriousness never fails, To make me puke, to lose my wits, To rot my teeth, and give me fits! This one’s random, tweaked and daft, Absurd from start to ending! Gallows humor makes me laugh, Though some find it offending! I’m here to paint a tale of pun, To drive you mad, bring back the fun! You’re in for luck! You’ll be dumbstruck! My humble goal is to run amuck!
Lightning streaked across the sky like skeletal claws outside of the dark, forbidding castle as the rains pelted the ancient roof. Thunder rolled out across the secluded valley, echoing out for all to hear, even within the castle’s deepest, darkest confines. It was here that a menagerie of villainy had flocked together.
“Gentlecolts…BEHOLD!” boomed a pony in jet-black armor as he held out a hoof clad in a spiked gauntlet, “I have summoned you all to my lair! MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!” He looked about the long table with his manic red eyes. All in attendance were giving him a look that would seem like typical response of such a statement. A large, draconic chimera raised one of his fluffy eyebrows.
“Look,” he said, “I really appreciate you getting me out of my imprisonment, but are the restraints really necessary?” He held out a pair of mismatched claws, one leonine, the other avian, both bound together by an ominously glowing Chinese finger trap. A deriding giggle echoed out through the air.
“What was that you said about fingers being superior to hooves, Discord?” snickered Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings. The other equines, save for the armored pony, joined her in her mirth. Discord shot her a displeased frown from across the table.
“Bah,” sneered Ahuitzotl, “You horses know nothing of which you speak. For I, Ahuitzotl, have a girlfriend, and she thinks that fingers are the most beautiful things in the world!”
“How’d you ever get a girlfriend?” snorted Gilda, “You’re like an even uglier diamond dog.” Fido and his companions, being diamond dogs and therefore taking reasonable offense at this comment, gave her a glowering glare.
“With these!” exclaimed Ahuitzotl as he held all three of his hands aloft, “With these glorious fingers that my dear Lyra adores so!” Everyone at the table, even Chrysalis, had to admit that they were truly marvelous fingers.
“Your fingers aren’t as glorious as I, the Great and Powerful Trixie!” cried the insufferably self-absorbed unicorn, who refused to be shown up by Ahuitzotl’s magnificent dexterity.
“Who dares insult my fingers?” roared Ahuitzotl. Everyone looked up as they noticed a light shower of snow falling from the ceiling.
“Would you cut it out?!” snarled Chrysalis. The three Windigos circling the cast iron chandelier froze in mid-flight, and looked very sheepish as they returned to their chairs.
“SILENCE!” bellowed the armored pony whom most readers have probably forgotten about by now, “Or I shall use the powers of science to throw all of you into a brick wall at a sufficient velocity to smash you to atoms!” Though none of the gathered villains had any clue who this pony was, they all quieted down and looked at him. He sounded entirely serious, and, to be honest, completely insane. Only one creature dared to look at him with a cynical air. All eyes moved to look at a tall, black Alicorn with piercing blue eyes sitting near the far end of the table.
“And just who are you?” she asked. The metal-clad equine at the head of the table suddenly held out his arms, and along with them came a mechanized pair of steel bat wings.
“I am WAR HORSE,” he thundered, “The world’s greatest arcane artist, and master of SCIENCE! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” Once again, everyone gave him a somber look.
“Dude,” muttered Gilda, “Are you…okay?”
War Horse suddenly sent a bolt of dark energy into the wall, causing a massive explosion. This was not meant to intimidate Gilda as it was not aimed anywhere near the gryphon, but was done because War Horse had forgotten what would happen if he sent a bolt of energy into his wall and desired to refresh his memory.
“Alright, alright,” Discord sighed impatiently, “What do you want with us?”
“Do not ask what you can do for me,” replied the armored mad-colt as he struck a dramatic pose, “But ask what I can do for you!”
“Which is…?” asked Nightmare Moon.
“THIS!” War Horse suddenly leapt up on the table and galloped over to the skeptic. Though she was quite powerful and could hold her own in a fight, Nightmare Moon was a little put off that somepony was actually crazy enough to charge her. But just as the mad-stallion’s horn was about to impale her skull, the being froze and turned to the mustachioed stallion that sat to her left. War Horse suddenly made an aerosol can materialize in the air before him.
“Take this and spray her in the eyes, because that’s how it happened to me!” Flam looked at the manic pony before him, then over at his equally nervous brother, Flim. Then he looked over at the intimidating Nightmare Moon, who looked back at him with a ‘If-you-even-try-that-I’ll-eviscerate-you’ scowl. Flam gulped. However, he didn’t need to worry as War Horse suddenly forgot what he was doing on the table. He noticed the floating aerosol can before him. Recalling fond memories of aerosol cans, the stallion began to empty it by spraying himself in the eyes.
“Yes…YES! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Needless to say, the numerous beings in the room were a little perturbed by this. In the midst of the awkward silence that followed this event, Discord, the spirit of chaos and disharmony, decided to try and regain some of whatever composure the meeting had to start with.
“Well,” said the Draconequus, “Thank you for that brilliant offer, Mr. War Horse, but I think it would be best if we got down to business.”
“Did somepony say business?” came Flim’s voice, “Well, let me tell you my chimerical friend, my brother and I are well educated on the subject of business!”
“Yes indeed,” added Flam, “We’re traveling sales-ponies nonpareil.”
“And we just can’t help but notice” said Flim, “That this castle has got a mighty fine collection of doodads.”
“Mighty fine,” quipped Flam, “But there’s one thing that it hasn’t got.”
“A super-soapy-soaking-scrub-brush 6000!” proclaimed Flim as he held out what looked like a mechanized toilet brush in his hoof.
“Awesome!” said Garble, as he marveled at the futuristic appearance of the strange device. It was very shiny, and needless to say the dragon was entranced by it.
“And each of you will get a free trial for five bits--” Flim was suddenly cut off by Nightmare Moon, who, being an ancient entity bent on the illogical task of eliminating the sun, did not approve of modern-day consumerism.
“Quit trying to sell us your foolish garbage!” sneered the Alicorn.
“Garbage?” Flam coughed incredulously, “My dear, this is not garbage!”
“Quite the contrary,” added Flim, “This is state-of-the-art, top-of-the-line, modern technology!” Nightmare Moon’s mouth fell open in shock, as no one had ever dared to contradict her before. She grew quite angry at this, but at the same time, was beginning to wonder if she had lost her intimidating edge as a total of three mere mortal ponies had stood up to her today.
“A toilet brush? Really?” Trixie asked as she raised a mocking eyebrow at the twins, “Have you finally run out of ideas to steal?”
“At least we’re not a sorry stuck-up has-been of a windbag like you,” snapped Flam. Trixie looked extremely indignant as her face turned an interesting shade of scarlet.
“How dare you!” she shrieked, “The Great and Powerful Trixie is not…not…”
“A sorry stuck-up has-been of a windbag?” Flam repeated with a smile.
“The Great and Powerful Trixie is not a windbag!” screamed the disgruntled unicorn, “She is the most brilliant, most talented, most amazing pony there is!”
“Not as brilliant as my fingers!” cried Ahuitzotl as he held his hands in the air again.
“Shut up!” snarled Trixie. Before the argument could continue, however, everyone noticed once again that it was snowing. The Windigos paused in their circling as everyone shot them a stony glare, then once more returned to their seats.
“Alright, alright,” said Discord as he tried to face-palm, but his attempt was thwarted by the Chinese finger trap that bound him, “Now then, Mr. War Horse, why have you gathered us here?” War Horse, who at this point had completely emptied the aerosol can into his eyes, looked back at the Draconequus with a manic grin.
“My brilliant plan,” he thundered as he trotted back to his seat, “Is to overthrow Celestia and Luna!” Discord, Chrysalis, and Nightmare Moon all grew joyously evil smiles. The other members of the party gave a take-it-or-leave-it kind of look, as they had no real interest in usurping the princess, but were more or less interesting in profit. They all knew that the glory of a war between good and evil lay not in the battle--but to those who capitalized on the remarkable business opportunities that arose from such occasions.
“And how do you propose we do this, Mr. War Horse?” inquired Queen Chrysalis as she rested her head on her hooves.
“For generations,” War Horse began, “We have lived in fear of the powers of the Cosmic Kingdom…” He paused for dramatic effect. “I have obtained funds to solve this celestial nightmare.”
“Yes,” Discord added giddily, “Please continue.”
“Using my knowledge of science and magic, I have discovered a way to neutralize this threat…We shall end it by…” Discord, Chrysalis, and Nightmare Moon sat on the edge of their seats as they waited for a reply. “Throwing the world’s largest tea party!” finished War Horse, “Thereby luring all of the Princess’s aristocratic socialite friends to our party, thus claming victory over them! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” The room suddenly became very quiet. For a moment War Horse’s audience wondered if they had heard him right. Upon realizing that they had, there was an equal divide between those that looked furious and those that burst out laughing.
“Are you serious?!” screamed Nightmare Moon, “A tea party? Is that what I was dragged her for? That has to be the most idiotic idea I’ve ever heard!”
“Not quite,” snickered Chrysalis, “A certain Draconequus had one that was even more idiotic.” Discord whirled around to give the Changeling a glare, but her comment had already sparked a flashback.
Discord lay in a crumpled heap before the two Alicorn sisters, each one bearing three glowing jewels in their armor. The Draconequus knew he was beaten…but he still had one more trick up his metaphorical sleeve.
“Discord,” began Celestia as she and her sisters touched down to the earth, “Your tyrannical reign is at an end.” The gems in her armor began to glow.
“Wait!” cried Discord as he waved his claws in the air, “Can’t I have one last heartfelt plea?” This unusual request was most out of character for him, and was enough of a shock to cause the sisters pause in their attack.
“Um…should we let him do that?” Luna asked innocently. Before Celestia could say no, The Draconequus struck a jaunty pose; his lion paw across his chest and his eagle claw thrust up in the air.
“Yaaaa, ya, ya, yaaaaaa, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya!” he sang, “Trolololo, lololo, lololo, oooooh! Trolololo, lololo, lololo, OOOOHHHHHH!” Both Luna and Celestia stared at their nemesis as he sang what is possibly the most amusingly bizarre song in the multiverse. He went on like this for quite some time, before Celestia gave him a cynical glare.
“Alright. Battle’s over.” She and her sister suddenly blasted Discord with the Elements of Harmony, encasing him in stone. But nopony, even Discord himself, knew that the weirdly catchy tune had wormed its way into Luna’s brain. For a decade afterward she would hear nothing but that song, until it began to drive her mad. This madness, which was also composed of latent envy for her sister, eventually became a separate entity that ended up taking over Luna’s body and made an attempt to bring eternal night to Equestria.
Discord snapped out of the flashback, which, due to the chaotic nature of his power had manifested itself in the form of an old movie projector and thereby allowing everyone to see it. Nightmare Moon felt very strange upon hearing the bizarre song that unbeknownst to her was the cause of her existence, but shrugged it off as indigestion. The entire flashback incident had mellowed everyone’s emotion upon hearing War Horse’s plan for the biggest tea party in the world.
“Um…Mr. Discord,” asked Fido, “Why did you sing that song?”
“Well,” Discord said as he nervously scratched the back of his neck with his wing, “There’s a perfectly sound explanation for that, but it’s much to complicated for any of you to understand.” The actual reason was that Discord, reasoning that he was utterly and totally screwed, decided to have one last go at trolling the princesses before he was sent into oblivion. He was relieved to find that he was not dead, but was at the same time mortified that his body was stuck in a ridiculous pose for well over a thousand years.
“That song…” Everyone looked over to see War Horse gazing at Discord. His red eyes were wide in amazement. “I…I know what to do…” An evil grin suddenly spread over his face. “I HAVE A NEW PLAN!” he thundered, “ONE THAT WILL SHAKE THE HEAVENS WITH ITS BRILLIANCE! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Villains Of Equestria Unite!
The sun was shining brilliantly over the Technicolor realm of Equestria when something large and scientifically impossible came drifting in over the border. It was quite fortunate that none of Equestria’s inhabitants could see it, as they might otherwise send a distressed letter to the Princess. However, as the actual appearance of the object is quite mind-blowingly awesome, it shall be described to you.
It was a massive machine, roughly five-hundred feet in length. It vaguely resembled a submarine, covered in thick steel plates bearing spikes of various lengths. The front of this monstrosity bore a strong resemblance to a massive pony skull constructed of titanium, with windows in its glaring eye sockets. It was here within the domed cranium of the creature that War Horse had relocated his guests, herding them onto the airship at gunpoint. Currently they were seated at a table in the exact arrangement they had been at War Horse’s castle, though a few were somewhat more nervous as their host had an unknown variety of firearm in his hoof.
“Gentle-Colts…BEHOLD!” cried the equine, “We have breached Equestria’s border! MUHAHAHAHAHA!”
“Wait a moment, you fool,” growled Nightmare Moon, “Weren’t we just in Equestria during your stupid meeting?”
“Yes!” replied War Horse, “But I needed to obtain some din-din! BEHOLD! I have brought sustenance! MUHAHAHA!” He tossed a bag of wonder-bread onto the table, followed by some butter-knives and two jars of peanut butter. For a moment everyone just stared at it. This pause was somehow noticeable to War Horse, who did not apparently do well with social cues. He responded to the silence by holding up the gun again.
“Eat it,” he bellowed in a manner most threatening, “You must acquire the recommended daily intake of protein!” Nightmare Moon gave him a disgusted look and reduced the food into particles with a single blast of her horn. Trixie winced as she saw this, as she had actually been hoping to get something to eat. War Horse fumed as he looked at Nightmare Moon.
“Fool!” he thundered, “Now you shall suffer the wrath of my minion Gregor!”
The moment he spoke, something began to move in the corner. All eyes turned to look as a dust-covered form stepped out from the room’s dark shadows. None had noticed him before hand, as he was sitting too still to be seen. Slowly, an ancient goat with crooked horns appeared, his mangy body creaking with each movement.
“Gregor!” thundered War Horse, “Execute the impudent moon-beast!” Gregor turned and squinted with cloudy eyes at Nightmare Moon. Strangely, he did not seem intimidated by her, even when she shot a fiery gaze at him.
“Nu-uh,” grunted the aged goat as he turned around and shuffled back to his corner. This was followed by an awkward silence, during which Gilda impatiently drummed her claws on the table.
“Pardon us for asking, Mr. War Horse,” Flim asked nervously, “But, um, when where you gonna tell us about that brilliant plan you were cookin’ up?”
“In a moment,” the armored equine replied, exposing his teeth in an evil smile, “All will be revealed.”
The ‘moment’, as it turned out, was actually somewhere around three to four hours, during which War Horse sat in his chair unmoving with the evil smile still on his face. During this period of time, unable to escape the confines of the airship, the remaining villains had begun a particularly cutthroat game of poker.
“Three Aces!” Discord cried as he triumphantly slammed his cards with his tail, as he was unable to use his hands. Everyone groaned as he reached out and pulled all of the winnings toward himself. Among them were such items as Trixie’s hat, the majority of the gems the Diamond Dogs kept in their pockets, Ahuitzotl’s armbands, Nightmare Moon’s armor, several patents to various machines built by the FlimFlam Brothers, and some bits from everyone else, as they had nothing of particular importance to give. But as he looked them over, Discord paused and gave an oily smile to Chrysalis, who sat looking away with a spiteful frown on her face.
“Excuse me, my dear Chrysalis,” said the Draconequus, “But if memory serves correct, you didn’t ante up for this round.” The changeling’s eyes suddenly went wide.
“No fair!” cried Trixie as she waved an accusing hoof at Chrysalis, “The Great and Powerful Trixie had to give up her hat!”
“Well I don’t have anything to give!” snapped Chrysalis, “So what do you want from me?”
“How about that your crown?” Discord asked as he flicked the unusual little ornament atop her head, knowing it would strike a chord with the changeling. She reacted exactly as predicted, surrounding herself with a protective wall of green fire. Discord smirked, and stuck his claws into the fire. Exposed to the magical fires fueled by Chrysalis’s inexhaustible reserves of hatred for the Draconequus, the Chinese finger trap was immediately disintegrated.
“Thank you,” said Discord. Everyone gaped at him with nervous looks on their faces, not knowing what the living embodiment of chaos would do now that he was freed once more.
“Alright then,” said the chimerical creature as he rubbed his claws together, “Time for me to turn everyone into Jello.” This drew a frightened look from the others, who, as most beings would, detested being turned into Jello. Their fear turned to confusion as Discord burst out laughing.
“You should see the looks on your faces! Priceless!” He wiped a tear of laughter from his eye, “No need to fear, dear citizens of soon-to-be-Discordia. I’m just going stick around until this whole thing’s over.”
“Why?” grumbled Nightmare Moon, “You have the power to take over Equestria at any moment. Why not do it now?”
“Do I detect a hint of jealousy, Nighty-Night?” the Draconequus asked smugly, “I’m surprised you’d even ask that. Let’s review.” The omnipotent creature made a pointer stick materialize in his lion’s paw and tapped the metal wall. “We are in an airship, heading towards an unknown destination at high speed.” He moved to point at the still-frozen War Horse. “And we are being led by a stallion who suffers from at least eight different mental disorders.” Discord suddenly pointed at everyone else in the room.
“Who, in his insanity, has gathered a hodgepodge grouping of second-rate villains,” he turned the pointer at himself, “And moi, the future ruler of the universe, to take over Equestria.” The Draconequus put his avian arm around the fuming Nightmare Moon, “So, in conclusion, this is going to end in a delightful outbreak of chaos. Why would I want to miss out on it?”
“I was hoping you would stay with us, Lord of Chaos! MUHAHAHAHA!” Everyone jumped as War Horse suddenly snapped out of his catatonic state and started waving his gun around. “Gentle-colts…We are now hovering precariously over our destination! We shall now commence the activation of Operation Lemons! GREGOR!” A gray blur suddenly rocketed from the corner and impacted Discord’s reptilian leg with a painful thwack. Discord cried out in pain and fell over clutching his knee as Gregor turned around and limped back to his corner. Chrysalis, being rivals with the Draconequus, laughed childishly at his misfortune.
“You just got defeated…by a goat!” the changeling panted between bursts of snickering.
“Oh really?” grunted Discord as he climbed back to his feet, “At least I wasn’t defeated by a couple of yuppie newlyweds.” Chrysalis’s face was suddenly devoid of humor as she shot a venomous glare at the Draconequus.
“At least one of them was an Alicorn,” snorted the changeling, “What about the six bumpkins that resealed you in stone with the power of ‘friend-ship’?”
“The same six that gave your entire army the thrashing of their lives?” Discord shot back. The two stood glaring at each other, ready to tear the other’s throat out. As everyone’s attention was focused on the tension between the two, they failed to notice that the Windigos were increasing in size at an exponential rate. This was of course because the rivalry between Discord and Chrysalis was so strong that it was equivalent to an entire nation of ponies hating each other, or, to put it in human terms, New York City. The winter spirits began to circle around the airship, looking for a place to escape. War Horse pressed a button, opening an air vent. The Windigos fled out into the sky and began to circle the ship, which had stopped over a particular town called Ponyville.
Villains Of Equestria Unite!
This Chapter Contains Dolls
“Well, thank you for helping me with my homework,” Twilight said in a masculine voice as she moved the stallion figurine in her hoof up and down, “You’re really a genius, Twilight.”
“Oh, it was nothing really,” she said in her own voice as she moved a purple unicorn doll in her other hoof, “I’m just happy I could help you, Beefcake.”
“You know,” she replied in the stallion’s voice, “If I weren’t dating that snobby cheerleader Pompom, I’d totally go out with you.” Twilight reached over and moved a golden-haired Pegasus doll towards the other two.
“Beefcake!” she said in a high, screechy voice, “What are you doing with that nerd? Come over here and tell me I’m pretty, you big idiot!”
“Hey, leave him alone!” she said as she waved the unicorn doll threateningly, “He deserves somepony way better than you!”
“Oh yeah?” replied the screechy voice, “What are you gonna do about it?”
“This!” cried Twilight, as she thrust the unicorn doll forward, knocking over the Pegasus over.
“Wow,” said Beefcake as the puppeteer moved the stallion over to the unicorn, “Twilight, I never noticed how attracted I am to you.”
“Of course you are,” said Twilight as she moved the two dolls closer, “Quarterbacks like you are always attracted to mares who have brains and beauty, and I have both, and you know it.” She moved the two dolls closer to kiss, when Spike suddenly threw the door open.
“Twilight-”
“WHAT?!” cried the panicked unicorn as she suddenly grabbed all of her dolls and hugged them close as to keep Spike from seeing them.
“We’ve got a huge problem. You’re needed downstairs.”
“Knock on my door next time!” Twilight shouted angrily, “Knock!….Did you see anything?”
“No, Twilight,” said Spike, “I didn’t see you playing with your dolls again.”
“Good!” shouted the nervous mare as the dragon face-palmed and slammed the door shut.
After stowing her dolls way beneath her bed, Twilight left her room and descended down the stairs, where she was greeted by Spike and the rest of her friends. From the worried look she saw on their faces, Twilight immediately knew that something was wrong.
“What’s up?” asked the purple mare.
“It’s snowing,” replied Spike as he pointed a claw out the window. Twilight looked, and saw that he spoke the truth. All of ponyville was covered in a fresh blanket of snow, which continued to grow thicker by the minute. Immediately Twilight turned to look at Rainbow Dash, who had a small but significant history of accidents at her workplace. Dash noticed this look, and raised her forelegs in defense.
“I had nothing to do with it,” she said, “I have off today.” Twilight raised an eyebrow.
“You had off the day you flooded the park.”
“I had no idea it was a rain cloud!” cried the Pegasus, “And they should have known not to put it where I take my naps! Besides, they only make snow clouds in winter.”
“Dash has a point,” murmured Fluttershy, “The snow factory’s closed in the summer.”
“Well,” said Twilight, “I think we’d better tell Celestia about this. Tampering with the weather schedule is a serious offense.” The bookish mare moved to grab a quill and paper off of her desk when a familiar laugh suddenly echoed out in the room. It was low, dark, and yet somehow playful. It was subsequently joined by another laugh, this one feminine and laced with derision. The six ponies and the dragon huddled closely together in fear as two shapes materialized in the middle of the library.
“Discord!” cried Twilight.
“Chrysalis!” shouted Dash.
“Pinkie!” Pinkie yelped with a smile.
“Right you are, my little ponies,” Discord said as he hovered above them, “It is I, Discord, your resident Draconequus and future king.”
“And I!” thundered Chrysalis as she stepped in front of Discord and surrounded herself with a backdrop of green flame, “Queen Chrysalis, The Mighty Conqueror of Celestia!” Discord sneered and moved ahead of the changeling and made bolts of lightning shoot from his horn, antler, and tail.
“For I, Discord, Lord of Chaos and spirit of disharmony have returned to-” Once again, Chrysalis stepped in front of him and spoke in an ever louder voice, making the green flames surround her in an eerie fashion.
“The glorious and invincible Queen Chrysalis, ruler of the changelings, and actual, certified ROYALTY, have come seeking-” Discord suddenly filled the room with cotton-candy clouds and chocolate rain.
“I, DISCORD, THE VERY EMBODIMENT OF ALL THINGS CHAOTIC-”
“Would both of you shut up and get to the point?!” bellowed Dash. The two villains looked at her with what could only be described as sheepishness as all their gaudy effects disappeared. Discord cleared his throat to make up for the awkward silence.
“Well then, um, we’ve both come back to take over Equestria.”
“Both of you?” Twilight asked as she raised an eyebrow. Before either of the dark beings could reply, Rarity suddenly let out a giddy squeal.
“Oh, how positively romantic!” she giggled. Both Discord and Chrysalis’s jaws dropped as Rarity’s friends shot her a look.
“Rarity, this ain’t one o’ yer silly books,” sighed Applejack.
“But look at them,” said Rarity as she pointed her hoof at Chrysalis, “It’s so obvious. She’s the dark and mysterious queen who thought she would never find love,” she switched over to Discord, “And he’s the dashing rogue that slowly worms his way into her heart. Oh, It’s going to be so marvelous to design another wedding dress!” As she was saying this, the two villains were turning very red. It should be pointed out that Rarity was having a very slow month at the dress shop, and had been passing the time by reading cheap romance novels.
“Rarity…They’re EVIL!” cried Twilight.
“But that’s what makes it so romantic!” said the fashion diva. Chrysalis was suddenly sick all over Twilight’s Grandmother’s antique Canterlot rug, much to the dismay of the purple mare.
“That’s preposterous!” sputtered Discord, “We hate each other!”
“Then why ya here together?” asked Applejack.
“Because…” gagged the changeling queen, “Because…Oh, you’ll find out.”
Villains Of Equestria Unite!
For the past hour, Discord and Chrysalis had been trying to capture the Elements of Harmony, as well as Spike. So far they had been successful in catching all but one, who continued to evade them with infuriating ease. Currently, they were chasing a pink pony around and around the library, stumbling as she disappeared behind one thing only to reappear behind another.
“Get in the bag!” snarled Chrysalis as she magicked a burlap sack in the direction of her target.
“No!” cried Pinkie Pie as she ran up the stairs. Discord suddenly appeared before her, and thrust down his bag upon the pony.
“I got her!” he shouted victoriously as he shook the bag in his paw, “Huh?” He looked inside to see that he had not, in fact, captured her.
“No!” cried the pink mare as she galloped about on the ceiling. For a moment Discord and Chrysalis just stared at her, marveling at the sheer impossibility of the situation.
“Stop defying the laws of physics and get down on the ground where you belong!” screeched the changeling queen.
“No!” came the reply. Chrysalis gave a glowering look at her comrade, who actually had a smile on his face despite his frustration.
“You know, she kind of reminds me of myself when I was her age,” the Draconequus said fondly. Chrysalis bared her teeth as she remembered exactly how Discord acted when he was a child, and even then the two had been bitter enemies. It started out with minor things. He would steal her milk money and lie about it, then she would draw derogatory pictures of him during art class. Soon it moved on to things like her conquering small countries and him cheating at board games.
“Can’t you do anything about this?” she grumbled. Discord shrugged his mismatched shoulders and gave the queen a look of mock uncertainty.
“Perhaps,” he said, “Though I still don’t understand why you didn’t bring your changelings with you.” Chrysalis scowled and turned away.
“I have my reasons,” she muttered. The actual reason for the changelings not being present was not hers, but their own. During the invasion of Canterlot, they had learned about things called ‘Worker’s Unions’ and learned about things that their queen had kept hidden from them, such as basic pony rights and a concept known as ‘payment’. This had caused a disaster for Chrysalis upon their return to the hive, where the ideas spread and caused a massive strike. Unable to deal with the problem herself due to her own laziness, Chrysalis was forced to create several entirely new castes of changelings to solve it, such as the new Lawyer, Accountant, and Social Engineer classes, along with adding a whole new wing to the hive to accommodate office space. Thus, everyone at the hive was too busy undergoing a social revolution to come help her.
In the time it took for the author to write the paragraph above, Pinkie pie had finally tired herself out and conveniently decided to take a nap in the empty bag.
“See,” said Discord, “The problem solved itself.”
“Let’s get out of here,” said Chrysalis, “I hate libraries.” There was a muffled cry of response from Twilight’s bag as Discord tossed it over his shoulder.
“This is just terrible!” cried Scootaloo, “How could this happen? And on my Birthday, too!” The orange Pegasus threw up her forelegs in frustration as she paced back and forth in the kitchen of Sugar-Cube Corner. Sweetie Belle and Applebloom gave their friend an apologetic look, though it wasn’t their fault.
“I’m sure it’ll be okay,” said Sweetie Belle, “I mean, there’s probably just been some mix-up at the weather factory or something.”
“Yeah,” added Applebloom, “Ya remember how Rainbow Dash flooded the park, right?” Scootaloo, though appreciative of her friend’s attempt to console her, sighed. She looked over at the large basket of cupcakes she and the rest of the Cutie-Mark Crusaders had come by to pick up for school. They were supposed to give them out at the party they’d have during lunch, but as there had been a sudden snowstorm they were snowed in at the bakery. They were the only three ponies in the store, as it had turned out. There was a note with the cupcake basket that explained that the Cakes had to run out to obtain some more flour from Filthy Rich’s Barnyard Bargains.
“Well, it could be worse,” said Sweetie Belle, “I mean, at least Rarity knows we’re here. She’ll get the others and they’ll come for us as soon as they can.” The moment after she spoke, there was a bright flash.
“I’m afraid they won’t,” came an obnoxious voice. The three fillies looked to see a blue unicorn in a hat and cape standing in the middle of the room, a smug smile on her face. Scootaloo’s eyes narrowed as she realized who it was.
“I know you!” she cried, “You’re that loudmouth who attacked Rainbow Dash with a rainbow!” Applebloom and Sweetie Belle both gave furious glares at the newcomer.
“Ya done tied up Applejack in front o’ the whole town!” shouted Applebloom.
“You turned Rarity’s hair green!” added Sweetie Belle. The blue unicorn’s face screwed up incredulously.
“How dare you three brats even attempt to tarnish the Great and Powerful Trixie’s reputation!” she sputtered, “I was going to be nice about this, but you can forget it now!” Her horn suddenly glowed as she made a rope appear in the air before her. Before the three fillies knew what was happening, they were all tied up back-to-back on the kitchen counter. Trixie gave the three of them another infuriatingly smug smile as she let out a snicker.
The reason for her actions were entirely simple: War Horse had instructed her to detain three possible threats to his plan, which were, as you have guessed, the Cutie-Mark Crusaders. He had come to the conclusion that they must be captured and watched at all times after he learned that, on average, they came close to destroying Ponyville 3.67 times in a consecutive work week. When Trixie had first been assigned the task, she had been offended as she thought it was a waste of her talent. But upon hearing everyone else’s assignments, she had shut her mouth. The blue unicorn sauntered over to the three fillies and admired her work.
“Let us go, you big bully!” cried Scootatloo as she fought against the ropes. Trixie merely let out another laugh.
“You poor little simpleton,” she guffawed, “You can’t get out of those ropes. Do you not realize the knot-tying power that is possessed by the Great and Powerful Trixie?”
“Why are you doing this?” Sweetie Belle asked nervously.
“The Great and Powerful Trixie does not need to explain her motives to you,” quipped the unicorn, “You probably wouldn't understand them.” At that moment, she spotted the basket of cupcakes. Trixie’s eyes glittered with greed as a small smile appeared on her face. Scootaloo immediately noticed this. Words could not describe the sheer rage that appeared on her face.
“Get away from those cupcakes!” she roared. Trixie gave the angry Pegasus a villainous sneer.
“And why should Trixie do that?” she asked with a contemptible toss of her head.
“Because they don’t belong to you!” Applebloom shouted. An evil smile appeared on Trixie’s face as she took a step toward the basket. Subsequently all three Cutie Mark Crusaders gave her incredibly hateful glares. Their anger turned to shock as Trixie slowly reached into the basket and retrieved a cupcake.
“Put that back!” cried Scootaloo, trying to fight back the tears that were forming in her eyes. But these tears were noticeable to Trixie, even as she flawlessly peeled the wrapper off. The three filly’s mouths dropped open as Trixie moved it toward her mouth.
“Don’t you do it!” shrieked Scootaloo. The blue unicorn purposely looked at her as she took a huge bite of the chocolate cupcake. She slowly chewed it, savoring the sweetness of the pink frosting. All three of the fillies began to silently weep for the loss of their baked goods. They shed tears not only for themselves, but for the rest of their classmates who would never get to taste the deliciously succulent cupcakes.
“Oh, come on!” Trixie with a roll of her eyes as bits of cupcake sprayed out of her mouth, “Don’t get so worked up over something as stupid as a cupcake. They don’t even have any sprinkles.” Scootaloo hung her head in misery, not even looking at the unicorn.
“They were for my birthday…” she sniffled. For just a moment, Trixie had an almost remorseful look on her face as she encountered an emotion that she at first thought was regret. However, she soon realized that she was only hungry for more of the cupcakes.
“Well in that case,” she said with a wicked smile as she reached into the basket, “Happy Birthday.” Scootaloo looked at her in disbelief as the unicorn began gorging herself on what was supposed to be her birthday present from the Cakes.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
It just so happened that when this whole event had started, Discord and Chrysalis were passing outside of the bakery, and had stopped to watch.
“Good Gravy, that unicorn’s the biggest jerk I’ve ever seen,” said Discord, who, as you might have guessed, did not own a mirror.
“You’re telling me,” said Chrysalis, “I’d never mess with somepony’s birthday. I send a birthday card to every one of my subjects.” Chrysalis actually had to do this because of her job, which was to supervise the incubation room. Therefore, she knew the exact birth dates of all of her subjects, and had no excuse for not sending them a card.
“Hey, do you know what would be funny?” asked the Draconequus. He leaned over and whispered something in the changeling’s ear. For once, something he had said made her smile.
“Do it,” she said eagerly.
“Ugh…” groaned Trixie as her stomach gurgled uncomfortably, “Trixie doesn’t feel so well…”
“That’s because you ate too many cupcakes, ya pig!” snapped Scootaloo.
“Ah seen hogs that don’t each half as much as you do!” added Applebloom. Both fillies spoke the truth, as Trixie had finished the entire basket and downed it with a liter of soda. She then proceeded to indulge in a box of chocolates and half a cake before she finally realized how sick she felt. The unicorn now sat in a chair, trying to find a way how to explain to herself that what she had done wasn’t her fault. The best idea she’d had so far was that the Cutie-Mark Crusaders had somehow tricked her, but she just couldn’t buy it.
Trixie was so preoccupied with feeling miserable that she didn’t notice the invisible Draconequus that had silently slipped in through the chimney. The Cutie-Mark Crusaders, however, each felt a claw tap them on the forehead, and each one suddenly turned gray. The unhappy looks on their faces suddenly changed to ones of wicked delight as their frowns turned into devious smiles. The smiles grew wider as the invisible Draconequus untied the rope, setting them free. Scootaloo immediately went over and picked up a sizable rolling pin, and snuck up behind Trixie.
Villains Of Equestria Unite!
Twilight Sparkle let out a squawk as she was unceremoniously dumped out of the burlap bag she’d been held captive in. She heard the rest of her friends cry out as they too were dropped on the ground beside her. The unicorn found herself looking into the face of a creature she’d hoped she’d never see again.
“Hello, purple pony,” cackled Fido, “We’re happy to see you again.”
“I wish I could say the same thing,” Twilight muttered grimly. The unicorn suddenly felt a ragged rope encircle her back-left hoof, and watched as the rope was tied in a similar manner around her friend’s left legs. Twilight looked at her surroundings, and noticed that she was in the town hall, which had looked as though it had been trashed by a marauding horde of frat boys participating in a toga party. The reason for this was the superfluous amount of togas that had been flung about on the floor, and to this day there is no explanation as to how they ended up there.
“Not you three again!” whined Rarity. Rarity was immediately silenced by the means of a muzzle the Diamond Dogs had spent painstaking months designing and building in order to subdue the mare’s whining incase they ever encountered it again. In description, the muzzle looked like a piece of frayed rope tied around her jaw.
“Ah, they’ve arrived,” came a heavily accented voice from the shadows. The six ponies looked to see a bizarre creature emerge from behind the desk at the head of the building. He appeared to be canine, but the unusual placement of his eyes at the end of his snout made him seem freakish. Also adding to the alien appearance was the unusual jewelry he wore throughout his body, which was crafted in the style of the Ancient Aztecs. At the end of a monkey-like tail was a strange, dexterous hand. He seemed vaguely familiar to Twilight, but as she tried to remember who he was, Rainbow Dash suddenly screamed.
“It’s Ahuitzotl!” cried the cyan Pegasus, “Sweet Mother of Acceleration, he’s real!”
“Yes, it is I!” exclaimed the water-dwelling canine, “Ahuitzotl! And my glorious fingers!” He cackled madly as he waggled his digits in the air. Twilight was now very confused, as she little idea as to why she and her friends had been captured.
“Wait a second,” cried Twilight, “You’re a fictional character in a book! How is it that you’re here?” Ahuitzotl sneered, exposing his horribly malformed overbite.
“Well the books must not be fiction then,” he snarled, “Did my magnificent presence not alert you to that right away?” Rainbow Dash’s eyes suddenly bugged out of her skull.
“DARING DO IS REAL?!” she shrieked joyously, “OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH!” Twilight face-hoofed, and turned back to what seemed to be the new leader of the Diamond Dogs.
“What do you want with us?!” she asked, trying to sound brave in front of the snaggletoothed canine. He and his companions merely let out a round of barking laughter.
“Why, what do we want with them?” they repeated mockingly, “What do we want with them…?” They suddenly stopped laughing as they realized that they really had no idea why they had been placed in charge of six ponies who supposedly held the fate of Equestria in their hooves. War Horse had simply told them to wait at the Town hall until Discord and Chrysalis showed up. He had also told them that the pyramids had been built by mice too small to be visible to the naked eye, but this information didn’t seem to be useful either.
“So what do you want with us?” restated the purple unicorn.
“Well…uh….” began Fido as he tugged at his red vest nervously, “Um…” As the dogs wracked their minds to think of an answer, Rainbow Dash noticed that they had neglected to restrain her wings. An idea slowly began to form in her mind.
“Maybe…maybe War Horse wants us to watch ponies?” observed the larger Diamond Dog, Rover.
“Yes!” cried Ahuitzotl as he pointed his tail at him, “That’s exactly what we want with them!” The four canines laughed heartily in their victory, not noticing that Rainbow Dash was eyeing a large window towards the top of the ceiling.
“Um, excuse me, Mr. Ahuitzotl,” murmured the frightened Fluttershy, “Why do you need to be watching us?” This caused another silence in the room.
“Rover, you wanna field that one?” quipped Spot. Rover shook his head and shrugged his shoulders. This caused their captors to delve into the deepest recesses of their minds to find a suitable answer. While this was happening, Rainbow Dash suddenly flew upwards, dragging her friends along with her. Everypony screamed as the cyan Pegasus crashed through the window and rocketed out into the blizzard, climbing up higher and higher into the sky. Though the weight of five ponies reduced her speed significantly, Dash was too empowered to notice.
“Aw yeah!” she cried victoriously.
“Rainbow Dash!” screamed Twilight as she dangled from the rope, “Where are you going?”
“I have no idea,” Dash replied over the roaring winds, “But--”
“NATIVE AMAREICAN POWER!” cried a Windigo as he slammed into the six equines, sending them flying across the sky.
Meanwhile, Ahuitzotl and the Diamond Dogs watched as the Elements of Harmony went sailing off to the other side of the town. Ahuitzotl looked particularly upset by this, but not in a bad way. He instead turned to the three canines that had been put under his charge and dramatically thrust a pointed finger to the sky.
“To the Puma-mobile!” bellowed Ahuitzotl.
“Aw YEAH!” cried the Diamond Dogs, clearly as excited as their leader. The four of them made their way to the back of the room where a large object was covered by a tarp.
Moments later the doors of the Town Hall were flattened by a strange, sleek, Jeep-like vehicle bearing the four villainous creatures as they yipped and yowled joyously. Ahuitzotl, being the driver, shoved a CD into the radio. The car’s speakers began to pulsate as a loud polka filled the air. This was Ahuitzotl’s favorite song to use when going into battle.
Villains Of Equestria Unite!
Cupcake Vengeance
When Trixie came to, her head ached like crazy, as if a thousand tiny politicians were debating a controversial bill inside of her skull. Her eyes fluttered open to see a single light bulb dangling from the ceiling in the middle of what looked to be a basement. As her brain began to process what she was seeing, her heart began to race. Hanging on the wall was a ragged banner made out of an old bed sheet. Scrawled across it in ketchup were three jagged words: Happy Birthday, Scootaloo! All throughout the dank basement, household objects had been converted into poorly-constructed party decorations. Rubber gloves had been blown up into balloons. Long streamers had been made out of receipt paper, and were festooned unevenly across the ceiling. It had a very unnerving affect somehow, as it looked like it had been made by a couple of demented foals. Trixie tried to get up, but froze as she realized she was tied down to a table, her forelegs and hind-legs fastened down by the papery string used to tie packages.
“Hey girls, look, she’s awake.” Trixie broke into a cold sweat as six wide eyes appeared above her, each one containing a malignant spark from the fires of Tartarus.
“Well hello there, Trixie,” Scootaloo said with a smile, placing a terrifying accent on the unicorn’s name, “It’s so nice of you to drop by our little party.” She turned to her two equally frightening cohorts. “Get the honey and syrup.” Sweetie Belle and Applebloom nodded and left the table, leaving allowing Trixie’s curiosity to scare her senseless.
“Oops, I almost forgot,” said Scootaloo as she reached under the table and grabbed a roll of tinfoil, “Can’t have you using your magic to escape. Then you’d miss out on my party.” There was a flash of crinkled metal as the Pegasus filly tightly wrapped the unicorn’s horn in tinfoil, thereby depriving her of her magic.
“W-what are you going to do to Trixie?” squeaked the mortified magician. A horrible grin slowly spread across Scootaloo’s face as she leaned in close to Trixie.
“We’re gonna do the best we can.” Trixie suddenly felt something runny on her head. Her eyes swiveled in their sockets to see Applebloom and Sweetie Bell clutching bottles of honey and maple syrup in their hooves. The two fillies snickered to themselves as they emptied them into Trixie’s mane. The unicorn’s trembling mouth opened in a silent scream as her scalp was saturated with a horrid mixture of the stickiest substances available to her diminutive captors.
“No!” cried the horrified mare as she struggled in her restraints, “No! Not my mane!”
“Oh, it’ll be more than yer mane,” said a cheery Applebloom, “You wanna give her the zit-cream, Scoot?”
“Of course,” replied the orange Pegasus as she reached beneath the table, pulling out a jar filled with a repulsive, gray gel-like substance. Trixie stared at it with two magenta pits of terror.
“What’s that?…” she whimpered. Scootaloo stuck her hoof in the jar with a sickening squelch.
“Zit cream,” replied the Pegasus. Trixie cringed as the filly’s hoof touched her face. Whatever the ‘zit-cream’ was, it was the slimiest, most utterly foul thing she had ever felt.
“You see,” said Scootaloo as she began to slather it across the unicorn’s face, “While you were napping, we got all the greases and oils we could find from the store, and mixed them together with some dirt. Do you know what this stuff will do to you?” Trixie silently shook her trembling head.
“It’s going to clog your pores,” Sweetie Belle answered, “And you’re going to get these huge, hideous boils all over your face. They’ll be all red and swollen, with pus oozing out and stuff.” Trixie’s overly-full stomach turned at the thought of her pristine face becoming blemished. Her slime-caked face grimaced in a miserable frown as Scootaloo finished applying the disgusting mixture.
“Hey Sweetie Belle, can you get the ants?” asked Applebloom, “I’ll finish with the syrup.” Trixie’s eyes nearly bugged out of their skull as she once again fought with the string that bound her.
“Ants?!” squealed the panicked mare, “What are you going to do with ants?!”
“This,” replied Sweetie Belle as she dumped a jar full of writhing ants onto Trixie’s head. The insects, following their instinctual love of sugar, began crawling throughout every inch of the unicorn’s syrup and honey soaked mane. Trixie let out a series of garbled screams as she felt their miniscule legs claw at her scalp, sending a powerful stream of shivers down her spine. The Cutie Mark Crusaders laughed childishly at her misery. Eventually, however, the ants became stuck in the stickiness, and ceased movement. Trixie lay on the table, breathing heavily, her heart about to explode.
“Hey, did we ever decide what we were gonna do with this?” asked Applebloom as she held out a heavy metal tool.
“The monkey wrench?” said Scootaloo, “I don’t remember.”
“Why do they call it a monkey wrench?” asked Sweetie Belle as she gave it a sideways glance, “I don’t get it.”
“Maybe it was invented by monkeys or somethin’” suggested Applebloom. Trixie winced as the filly threw the wrench into the basement wall with a loud crack. Her attention then turned her tail, as the three fillies had grabbed a hold of it. The mare’s eyes tired into pinpricks as she saw the pair of enormous shears held in Scootaloo’s hooves.
“D…d-don’t…” Trixie whimpered as tears streamed down her dirty face.
“Cutie-Mark Crusader Tail Barbers!” cried the fillies, “YAY!” There was a loud snap as the shears clapped shut, cropping Trixie’s tail in the process. The mare began to cry as she watched the silken strands of her once beautiful tail fall from the table. To add insult to injury, Scootaloo picked up the tail from the floor, walked across the room, and stuck it onto a crudely drawn ‘pin the tail on the pony’ drawing tacked to the wall. Trixie let her head fall back on the table as she wept pitifully.
“Gee, that was fun,” said Scootaloo as she merrily trotted over to the miserable magician, “Now I guess it’s time for cupcakes!” upon hearing the word ‘cupcakes’ Trixie remembered how sick she was feeling from gorging herself earlier.
“But wait,” said Applebloom, “We don’t have any cupcakes anymore…” Trixie’s heart raced as sweat poured down her brow.
“That’s right,” said Sweetie Belle, “Somepony ate them all…” Trixie began to squirm as the three fillies surrounded her, each one with an evil grin plastered to her face.
“Well I guess we’ll have to skip right to the piñata,” said Scootaloo, “Applebloom, would you please?”
“Of course,” replied the earth filly. She suddenly pushed down on a nearby lever made of an old mixing spoon. Before Trixie knew what was happening, the table suddenly split apart beneath her. Her limbs slid out of the restraints as she was dropped to the cement floor. She wasn’t there for long, however, as seconds later she felt several strings press against her underside. Pulleys squeaked as she shot up into the air on some kind of harness before coming to a jarring stop. Trixie was now suspended from the ceiling, looking down at her three satanically evil captors from her strange harness made of yarn, string, and rope. The unicorn’s legs kicked uselessly beneath her as she watched the Cutie-Mark Crusaders pick up three long, sturdy-looking dowels from the corner of the room.
“I’m sorry!” screamed the magician, “I’m sorry I ate your cupcakes!”
“So am I,” said Scootaloo as she took the first swing.