Gruesome Ways to Die

by Rubbaduckwolf

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, Dark, Comedy
Length: 1033

The Mane 6 have a lovely chat about the most gruesome ways to die.

It all started with Twilight's questionable "conversation starter" book. Rainbow Dash was immediately on board, with Fluttershy and Rarity the last to grip the idea. The topic? "What are the most gruesome ways to die?"

Rated T for minor mention of gore and some dark-ish humor.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-06-28 06:00:01 UTC

Picnic With A Twist

It was a stiflingly hot summer day, and the Mane 6 were plopped down on a checkered picnic blanket. Their activities ranged from applying sunscreen to eating apples to rolling around in the grass. While this was all good and well, and they all seemed quite content, there was a severe lack of conversation.

This bothered Twilight Sparkle. As the Princess of Friendship, she felt as if something was missing. However, her first attempts were lacking in magnetism.

First, she tried chatting about the weather with Rainbow Dash. "Hey, Dashie, I hear the weather's been pretty hot lately. Do the Pegasi have anything to do with that?"

The sunglasses-wearing Pegasus snorted. "First, don't call me Dashie. Second, of course the Pegasi have something to do with it. The Earth pony farmers requested warmer weather, so we gave 'em it. A few more days and then we can lay on the clouds." She then returned to reading the Cloudsdale Weekly.

Frustrated at being snubbed by Rainbow Dash, Twilight tried conversing with Rarity. "Um, got any new crushes lately? I don't think a week goes by without you getting a new one..."

"Oh, darling, I've got such a thing for Neon Lights; his energy, enthusiasm, and charisma really captivate me." The Unicorn batted her eyelashes at the air.

Twilight frowned. "Isn't he Vinyl Scratch's coltfriend?"

Rarity stared blankly. "Oh, well, in that case, I need a new stallion to goggle over. It's a pity that your brother is taken, and Big Mac, too. I need a date for the upcoming Gala!"

"The Gala isn't until next year, Rarity. Are you feeling okay?"

"Oh, but a young mare can never prepare too early! I must find the right one in time!"

It was clear that the conversation with Rarity was going absolutely nowhere. With a polite excuse to disengage from the conversation, Twilight moved on to Pinkie Pie, who proved to be far too distracted to even talk normally. Fluttershy seemed to be talking with a ladybug, and Applejack was busy trying to keep ants away.

"Fine," Twilight muttered, "I'll use my secret weapon!"

She surreptitiously pulled out a small book entitled Conversation Kickstarters and Inspirations. Quickly, she flipped to a random page and read the sentence. "What are the most gruesome ways to die?"

The already peaceful and quiet picnic scene was shattered by even deeper stunned silence. As the ponies stared, Rainbow Dash was the first to recover. "Umm... What?"

"Ahem. What are the most gruesome ways to die?" Twilight repeated.

Rainbow rubbed her hooves together. "Oh, I like where this is going! How about getting your stomach slashed open and guts ripped out by a lawn mower? Try to top that!"

Pinkie Pie squealed and bounced up and down.. "Ooh! Ooh! Here's to getting chopped up by your best friend and getting baked into a pastry!"

Silence again.

"Er... Say what now?" said Applejack. "It sounds like you have experience on this."

"Oh, I might," Pinkie giggled.

"Ah, I might as well throw in my own two bits," replied Applejack. "I think getting ground up into crop fertilizer is pretty morbid. And trust me, it's happened before to other ponies."

Rarity's face was progressively becoming greener. "What is wrong with you? Why am I even participating in this conversation? Why?"

Fluttershy patted Rarity's back. "It's all right, you can come talk to Larry." She pointed at the ladybug.

"I don't speak ladybug, dear. Only you can." Then, with a dramatic flourish, she spread herself out on the blanket. "Why must I be with such an uncouth group of friends?"

"Rarity, it ain't so bad. We've got something to do now, right?" said Applejack.

Obviously pleased with Rarity's drama, Rainbow Dash snickered. "Yeah, say something gory! I'll pay you five bits!"

That got the Unicorn's mind turning. "Five bits, you say? Oh, fine. I think getting swarmed by killer bees while mountain climbing is a terrible way to go."

"Yay! Now she's talking! Pay her the bits, Dash!" hollered Pinkie Pie as she did a cartwheel.

"Um, actually, killer bees aren't so bad if you get to know them. Larry has a few good friends who are bees." peeped Fluttershy, who seemed very uncomfortable contradicting a friend. "Most outdoor accidents are due to weather, like drowning in a flash flood."

Pleased, Twilight pointed at Fluttershy, "See? Even she's thinking of ways to die! Given, drowning isn't so much gruesome as it is painful and horrible, but still. Now who's idea is the most gruesome?"

Almost unanimously, the Mane 6 pointed at Rainbow Dash, who in turn smirked. "Well then, you all know who's the best at everything. Always go with the lawn mower. Always."

"Okay, then, let's move on to the next subject..." said Twilight, flipping through the book again.

Suddenly, the book started glowing and shaking. Light spilled out of its pages, enveloping the group of friends. The pages began flipping on their own, slowing down and finally stopping on one page. The sentence on the page read, "What are the most gruesome ways to die?" The words became painfully bright and started to peel off the page. Floating in the air, the words began to circle Rainbow Dash. The Pegasus started to yell something, but it was inaudible due to an escalating noise that sounded a lot like a lawn mower. Finally, everything exploded in a flash.

Groaning and clutching their heads, the ponies sat up on the picnic blanket.

"What... What the hay just happened?" coughed Applejack. "I feel so... dizzy."

Instead of holding her head, Rainbow Dash was grabbing her stomach. "Hey, uh, Twilight... Where'd you get that book?"

Twilight thought this was a strange question, even after what had happened. "I got it at the same place where Spike got his Power Ponies comic book. You know, the one we got sucked into."

Retching a bit, Rainbow Dash replied, "That explains something." Then, her eyes rolling up in her head, she collapsed on the picnic blanket. Blood and guts spilled out of a long, jagged cut on her stomach.

While everypony gasped in horror, Rarity said, "And I never did get those five bits."