Losing Myself: Pinkie & Pinkamena

by Coldfire Hart

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, Tragedy, Pinkie Pie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Death, Alternate Universe, Sad
Length: 2213

How would you feel if you lost your other half? Pinkamena describes how she feels

An innocent game gone wrong and now the twin Pies, Pinkie & Pinkamena, are feeling the aftermath... And Pinkamena can't believe how her life had gone from the heights of Cloudsdale to the depths of Tartarus in 10 seconds flat.

She can only ask herself one question now: "Why?"

This one-shot was inspired by the cover art and a discussion about Pinkamena with ShadowKirby (thanks man!) so as always, go check out his works too! I recommend Caged Inside :pinkiehappy:
Inspiration and Cover art done by AquaGalaxy on DeviantArt. Go check them out!
The poem, "Why?", is my own off my fictionpress account.

Published 2015-06-27 16:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-06-27 16:20:02 UTC

Why?

The day was like any other, I woke up as the sun rose; I brushed my teeth, showered then sat myself at my vanity mirror with brush in hoof. In the mirror I look at myself; my smiling, happy self. But then I see that my smile is upside-down.

Wait, it was upside-down?
Why is it a frown? Frowns aren’t smiles, they’re frowns.
And frowns aren’t happy, they’re sad…

...Oh, right. I remember now. Three simple words. “I. Love. You.”

I recall the beeps of the monitor as it tracked her vitals and of her heart.
I remember staying by her side since the day of the accident.
There was so much going on around us that I just didn’t know what to do.

“I’m sorry,” I said as I stared down at the bandaged mare.

If it had not been for the tuft of pink sticking out from the bandaging around her head then I would not have known who it was. The day seemed to drag on like a long day at Sweet Apple Acres.

I don’t mean that it was boring, I mean it felt like a long day on that farm. Like, Big Mac and Applejack both were just so physically drained that they took their time bucking apples and how clearing a third of the Acre would usually take a few hours now took them all day.

“Remember our game of Hide or Seek?” I whispered to her, “I do. And it was the best time I’d ever had since coming here.”

~|~ Sweet Apple Acres ~|~

“Come out, come out wherever you are!” Pinkie Pie shouted with joy as she bounced about along the soft dirt of the farm.

She was on a mission, and she would see it through. The game was a classic. Hide and Seek. The objective was simple: search and tag. Her mission? Seek out six of her friends, the first one found would be ‘It’ next round.

“Hmm. Now where would I hide if I was hiding from myself?” Pinkie asked rhetorically as she stood on the opposite of the barn window. She took a long pause and put a hoof up to her chin then let a drawn out ‘hmmmm’ emanate.

Inside the barn just on the other side of Pinkie Pie, Applebloom poked her head out then sighed.
“Why do y’all git ta have fun while I git to do chores?” she asked Pinkie Pie, huffing.
“We’re just taking a break, Applebloom!” Pinkie answered, “after all, Applejack’s been doing so much lately!”

Applebloom rolled her eyes and huffed again. Of course she has. Applejack’s always so terribly busy that she just needed a break from work and chores. The little filly wasn’t buying the excuse, but chose not to argue the point further and instead returned to her chores while Pinkie Pie bounded off in search of her friends.

Pinkie Pie headed deep within the apple orchard in search of her besties. As she made it to the idolized Zap Apple trees, Applejack slipped out from beneath one of the many carts and took off in a mad dash back to the barn. It looked liked Pinkie Pie hadn’t noticed and that meant she was safe for another round.

“Hmm. I guess nopony’s here.” Pinkie shrugged, still smiling, and carried on.

Once she left the Zap Apples, Fluttershy popped her head up out of one of the trees and giggled.
“I guess Pinkie’s looking for somepony particular.”

“Come out, come out wherever you are!” Pinkie called out again as she made her way down to the river. She stopped and looked suspiciously at the boulder that seemed oddly shaped and mis-colored.
“Hm, I wonder why this is here?” Pinkie played off walking around it and inspecting its every detail, “this doesn’t belong here at all. I wonder, what should I do? I know!”

She soon pushed against the face of the mass and found that it wasn’t as fake as she first thought it to be, but she somehow showed she was capable of lifting it off the ground enough to flip it over into the river. When she had done that she grinned at who she found inside.

“I FOUND YOU!” Pinkie Pie screamed ecstatically, pointing a hoof at none other than… Herself. Well, this pony appeared to look like Pinkie Pie, but really was not her in any way except for the coloring and the cutie mark.

Hiding inside this fake rock was none other than a dual-toned pink pony with a three balloon cutie mark on her flanks. Unlike Pinkie Pie, whose mane were a vibrant pink and her coat, a light pink, this mare had a darker pink coat and an almost grayish pink mane. That was just one difference. The second difference was that this mare’s mane was straightened out and laid down against one side of her face, whereas Pinkie’s was bouncy and curly.

“Ponyfeathers!” Pinkamena laughed, “I thought for sure I’d fool you this time.” she teased.
“Maybe next time, Pinkamena!” Pinkie Pie said back as she bounced away, “I’m off to find the others!”

It didn’t take Pinkie Pie long to find her other friends at all and one-by-one, Pinkamena sat at the barn with Applejack, watching as their friends all returned in defeat. Pinkamena and Applejack each shared a laugh as each of their friends returned with heads lowered and defeat on their faces.

Pinkie Pie had found Fluttershy hiding in the Zap Apple trees,
Rarity was hiding in the tack room with Spike,
Twilight was found hiding in a makeshift cave of her own creation,
And Rainbow Dash, whom Pinkie Pie found hiding up in a conspicuously placed cloud formation.

“Okay!” Pinkie said once everybody was back together, “Pinka, you’re It! Count to thirty then come find all of us!”
“Okay,” Pinkamena replied back, elated with a big smile.

Pinkamena turned around, closed her eyes, and started counting, “One...Two...Three…”
Each pony took off for a hiding spot and waited in anticipation for their Seeker.
“...Thirty. Ready or not, here I come!”

The game didn’t last long as Pinkamena found everypony with ease and when they all met back at the barn to relax, that’s when Applejack remembered something.

“Aww ponyfeathers.”
“What’s wrong, AJ?” Twilight asked.
“I forgot we were ‘sposed to tear this barn down and put up a new one.”
“Why can’t we do it right now?” Rainbow asked.
“We won’t get it done in time.” AJ answered.
“Applejack,” Pinkamena spoke up, “we’re all here. I think we could if we all work together.”
“Yeah! Pinkamena’s right, Applejack. If we all work together then we can surely get anything done!” Pinkie Pie concurred.

“Aww well shucks, girls, thank you kindly.” Applejack blushed, “alright then. Applebloom, clear out the barn. Big Mac and myself will gather the materials,”

Rainbow Dash’s smile grew and grew as Applejack told each one of her friends what their tasks were, and she could not wait for hers. You know, the only one she was really good at?

After they were each assigned a task, the group of friends went their separate ways to complete them so they could get the new barn built. But at some point during all of the work Pinkie Pie decided to go into the barn and help Applebloom finish cleaning the place out…

…”Pinkie!” Pinkamena screamed in horror.
“Oh my Celestia!” Twilight shrieked.
“Quick! We gotta get her to the hospital!” Rarity shouted.
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” Rainbow Dash cried out, her body shaking as tears streamlined from her eyes. She just kept apologizing and didn’t realize Applejack was talking to her.

She didn’t respond, she just laid there without a word. Please, say something. Anything.

“Say something,” Pinkamena whispered as her eyes watered up, “anything, please.”
Pinkamena sat down in the chair at Pinkie’s bedside, her hoof over Pinkie’s own bandaged one, and cried silently to herself as she pleaded for Pinkie Pie to wake up and say something to her, to say anything to her!

The monitors chimed and beeped for hours and Pinkamena cried with them until she had fallen asleep. When she awoke without realizing it, she was being stared at by a pair of blue eyes. She sat up quickly, happily, at seeing Pinkie Pie was awake.

“Pinkie!”
Pinkie mouthed wordlessly back, coughing afterwards when she felt the tube that was shoved down her throat. Pinkamena called for the nurse then stood back as Nurse Redheart and a doctor came in to inspect Pinkie Pie.

After what seemed like hours, the doctor finally gave Nurse Redheart permission to remove the tube from Pinkie’s mouth. After watching the horrific scene undeterred, Pinkamena waited for her to smile and give the okay to give Pinkie Pie some water.

Pinkamena quickly fetched a cold glass of water from the end table and helped Pinkie drink it slowly. After downing the whole glass, Pinkie Pie forced a weak smile. “Tha...nk...you.”

“I’m so glad you’re awake, Pinkie. You’ve had me worried sick!” Pinkamena told her twin, wiping away the tears in her eyes with a hoof.

“Yeah, hehe,” Pinkie tried to laugh, or mock one at least. She was still in a lot of pain and could barely stay awake, but she had to. She had something to say to Pinkamena, and it was important. “Pinka...Remem...Remember,” Pinkie couldn’t do it. She coughed and choked as her mouth returned to a dry desert.

“Hold on, Pinkie. I’ll be right back!” Pinkamena grabbed the empty glass and raced out of the room to retrieve more. She returned minutes later and saw Pinkie Pie was crying.

Why was she crying? Did the anesthetics wear off?
Was she in that much pain? Of course she was, her entire body was bandaged up!

Pinkamena helped her twin drink again then set the glass down on the nearby table.

“Does it hurt?” Pinkamena asked, “the pain?” Pinkie shook her head.
“No. I don’t feel a thing.” Pinkie answered her, “but there is something I have to tell you,”
“What?”

Pinkie motioned for Pinkamena to get closer to her and when she had, the monitor’s beeps began to delay; taking longer before the next beep would ring out, but Pinkamena didn’t notice it. Not until after Pinkie Pie had said what she needed to say, anyways.

“No!” Pinkamena cried out as she watched the smiling Party Pony close her eyes. “No! Don’t leave me! Pinkie!” Pinkamena begged, screaming at the top of her lungs as each beep now filled her head until finally there was but one final chime just before a solid screeching.

Three. Tiny. Words. “I. Love. You.”
That’s all it took to turn my smile into a frown. No longer am I brushing my hair, but rather now I am crying silently to myself as I stare at the line upon line of red I had drawn over the reflective glass, reading it silently to myself as I near its completion:

Those words you spoke and said,
Were like ones from a book I read,
Now I sit all alone on my bed and sigh,
Asking, “Was it all a lie?”
When you said those words to me,
I knew that I would have to set you free,
Inside I felt a part of me die,
Outside I broke down and now I cry,

This pain, this pain was so much more than I ever felt in my entire life. It’s cruel of how something like three words can stab you deeper than having never known you had a twin sister all your life, but I have learned it now, and I hate it…

In-between each tear, I reminisce those words you said in my ear,
In-between each breath I cry out in sorrow, “Why?”
In-between each and every sigh,
I let myself die,
Please, when you go, pass me by and never say to me, “Good-bye”
For if you do, I will only cry,

“...Why?” I whisper as I drop the red lipstick from my hoof, listening to it as it dropped and bounced against the wooden desk.

The fur beneath my eyes is dark and matted from all the crying I have done for the past three days nonstop.
My eyes, once blue and white, were now shallow and stricken with a light red tint. I haven’t slept in three days, and I would not sleep again. Maybe I will never sleep.

“I,” I whispered as I slumped myself back down onto the stool, “love,” my mouth moved on its own now as I lowered my head, “you.”

“I love you too, Pinkie.” I distinctly remembered saying to my sister, forcing a smile for her, just as I pulled the plug.

The monitors screeched loudly, but I heard only a muffled sound as I watched my twin sister’s chest rise up then lower down and rise up once more, then down for the final time. Due to the life support she was on, when the plug was pulled, the machine stopped supplying oxygen into Pinkie’s lungs. And while she may not have felt it, I did. I felt like I was suffocating as I watched my better half take her last two breaths.