Who Will Save Me From This Body of Death?
She woke in a daze.
Twilight’s head spun. Her heart hammered in her chest, like a prisoner beating at a dungeon door. Her body ached. These sensations came in stages, like frost on a window pane. Groaning, she tried to rise and found it burdensome.
Yet she rose anyway, blinking in the sunlight. And it was quite bright--the part of her mind that never ceased to analyze was sure it was around noon, perhaps a little later. Her body insisted it was late and she should be getting to bed. Her heart still hammered away.
Carefully, grumbling, she descended the stairs of the library. There would be coffee in the kitchen. Coffee made things better, most times. In fact, Twilight counted it her chief ally and highest friend.
Friend. She paused at the foot of the stairs. She hoped it was not late for lunch. It would be nice to eat lunch with a friend. Names were slow to come; she blamed the grogginess of waking from bad dreams. Another strange thought. Had they been bad? She tried to grasp at the fleeting memories but they fled.
Rarity. Rarity or Fluttershy. Yes, lunch with one of them would be nice. She would just have to see about it, wouldn’t she? After coffee, of course.
The lights were all out. Odd. On those rare occasions that Twilight was not caffeinated and ready for the day in the early morning, Spike usually made sure to at least have the lights on. Twilight huffed, and stumbled about in the dark for a moment, trying to remember where the light switch was. Not this wall. Other wall. Yes. Magic did the rest.
Yawning, Twilight continued her slow progression past the dusty main room. She did not look at the dust-covered shelves. She did not notice the stench of stale air.
She did notice that the kitchen was bare of all but a mold-ridden loaf of bread and an abundance of coffee filters, but it took a few minutes for Twilight to truly grasp the situation. There was no coffee. She groaned and laid her head on the counter, only to find its coolness relaxing. She sighed and smiled again.
The Book came back to her. She stirred. Yes, how had she forgotten? How could she have not thought about it all this time? She smiled the uncomplicated smile of the intoxicated. The Project. It was truly her greatest achievement, and it wasn't even done! But it would be! She felt that she was close.
Foolish. Twilight, this is what you get for slacking off. If you’d simply stayed up working, you wouldn’t have wasted the morning! she thought, but the early morning haze blunted her own self-beratement. She was simply too tired to care.
But she cared about coffee. Sugarcube Corner would have some. The hunger that she now noticed gnawing at her innards could be fed there as well. It was worth a shot.
Twilight once again passed a deserted, abandoned library and did not notice.
Outside she found that her initial suspicions were correct. The sun was high in the sky, and ponies bustled about as they always did around lunchtime. Ponyville really was such a wonderful place. Surely indulging in it for a bit wouldn’t be so terrible. As she sluggishly trotted to Pinkie’s domain, it was easy to convince herself that a brief outing could only serve the interests of the Project, and the Book. Those things were, of course, of the utmost importance. They were the only things. Everything else was just a subset of the Project. Literally.
Twilight did not notice the stares she received from a few of the ponies she passed. She heard a few talk to each other in low tones, but these things were not important. Anything not directly about the Project was not important. Coffee was, of course, an essential element. Somehow seeing Pinkie was as well. Apparently.
Twilight lurched into Sugarcube with a yawn to shake the heavens, and rubbed her eyes. Whilst she was temporarily blinded, she heard somepony gasp. She noticed them this time. She opened her eyes again.
Pinkie was at the counter. More accurately, she was over the counter, leaning out over the floor, with a face of absolute and total shock. But she seemed to recover, as much as Pinkie could said to ever regain composure, and stood back behind the counter waving.
“Twilight! Hi!”
Twilight blinked groggily. “Hello, Pinkie. Could you get me some coffee?”
Pinkie stared for a moment, then jumped. “Right! yeah, sure, Twilight! Coffee, yeah!”
Twilight watched Pinkie being Pinkie. She did not notice the way that Pinkie fidgeted. She also did not notice the the way in which the other morning patrons looked at her. They looked over the edges of newspapers and out of the corners of their eyes; they looked over the tops of their mugs and around the soft pastries--in short they all looked and tried to hide.
Twilight did notice, eventually, that Pinkie was awfully clumsy this morning. Had she always been this way? It was hard to tell. Pinkie caused a mess generally anywhere she went, but it was more often in the course of some lighthearted mischief. When was the last time she had seen Pinkie working?
Twilight rested to the side of the counter, leaning lightly on the display case. Curious, she looked down at the treats inside and her mouth watered. A bit of energy might just do her well.
Pinkie brought her coffee to the counter, with a smile as wide as the savannahs and as bright as the sun through Twilight’s window. “It’s so good to see you! I hope you like it!” She paused, seeing now what Twilight had been so focused on. “Oh, would you like something? We have, uh… I know we have donuts. Gosh, you think I’d know what we had!” she laughed. Twilight did not think anything was odd about Pinkie laughing. She always laughed. This time was obviously no different. “Um, anything you’d like, Twilight. On the house! Free! Anything.”
Twilight cocked her head to one side. “I can pay.”
“I know, I know. Take the coffee too!”
Twilight blinked at her, puzzled. She looked down at the coffee offered her and decided that questioning a gift was probably rude and even if it wasn’t, it was rather inefficient. She shrugged and tasted the coffee, and found it fantastic. She closed her eyes and gave a happy little sigh.
“This… this is good,” she murmured. “Thank you.”
“I can get you a donut or something! How about two? I’ll give you a dozen.”
Twilight smiled. She chuckled, even. The sound was very strange. To be honest, her voice sounded strange. “I’ll have two. Thank you, Pinkie.” Twilight kept to short sentences. Easy ones. For some reason she found speaking strenuous. It took so long! She was used to the spontaneity of thought.
“I’m just glad to see you,” Pinkie replied, dipping under to search through the display case. “Really, really, really--” she was cut off as she put both pastries on a plate. “Really, really, really glad to see you. I sort of ran out of bags. I was supposed to go get some but I didn’t and I forgot so could you eat it here? I’m really sorry.”
Twilight shrugged. “I was probably going to do that anyway.”
“Alright. I’m actually about to take a little break. Um, I can sit with you,” she said quickly.
Twilight thought this was odd, but did not question it. Questions took energy, and she did not have much energy to spare. She nodded, and Pinkie quickly retreated to the kitchen. Twilight sat down and waited a moment for her to reappear. After a while, she did, and Twilight at last noticed that her nervous energy was joke that--nervous. Pinkie was rarely nervous, in the sense that Twilight understood the word. She was anxious, the kind of anxiety born of possibility or anticipation. She was often restless. But nervous?
She sat down and Twilight decided that her first priority was breakfast. She could figure out the world after that.
Pinkie babbled. “I mean, it’s just really great that you came by. I mean, we haven’t seen you in so long and I know you’re probably really tired from doing whatever is you’re doing but you came outside and I am just really excited about that--”
“Not so long,” Twilight said between bites. “I mean, you guys came over like…”
She paused. The small pause became a much larger pause. An awkward, pregnant pause.
“I forget,” she finished lamely. “But not that long,” she added as quickly as she could.
“So… what have you been doing?” Pinkie asked.
“Work.”
“What kind of work?”
“Very important kind,” Twilight said simply. “The Book is very important. It must be finished. My work is very important.”
“What’s in the book?” Pinkie asked. Carefully, though Twilight did not notice how carefully she asked this.
Twilight chuckled. Thinking about the book made her smile. She did not notice that Pinkie’s smile froze.
“Oh, what isn’t? It’s all there, Pinkie. Everything. All of it. It’s so full of life! Everything I know is going in that book--everything I’ve ever experienced. I may never need to do anything again after this! There’s this… hm.” She held a hoof up to her chin, levitating the donut precariously about in the air as she thought, suddenly full of energy and life. “Oh, it’s hard to describe. You’ll see it! Everyone will.”
“I’d love to, Twilight,” Pinkie said.
“Have you seen Spike?” Twilight asked. “He wasn’t around this morning and I was wondering what he was off doing. It’s not like him to be gone.” She frowned. “I mean, I know he’s probably alright. Ponyville is a good town, full of good ponies who love him and this is probably the safest place in Equestria for him to be! I mean, more or less.”
“We do have a long history of happenings,” Pinkie said without a shred of warmth, stiffly and yet Twilight did not note it.
“Happenings! That’s a good word, Pinkie. Happenings.” Twilight chuckled. The donuts were finished. She sipped at the coffee. It really was wonderful. Bit by bit she could feel her body rebounding from troubled sleep. Why, at this rate, with the sun on her back and the nice air in town, by the time she was home she would be ready for a long, long work session. Perhaps she would see if they sold coffee beans here, so she wouldn’t be distracted. And in the future she could come back to the Corner, enjoy the outside for a bit before diving right back in. But of course, she would be diving right in. As soon as she got back.
She began to rise, and Pinkie flailed. “Ah, uh, Twilight! Um, going so soon? I’m sure Rarity is coming soon and I know she’ll want to see you! You can go back later, right?”
“Oh, well…” She could, true. But she was in such a good mood now. She felt better. She really should be getting back to work.
“And, and, and, how about some more coffee? I can grind you some to take back and another cup would really do you a world of good. I’m a baker at a cafe, I know about these things,” she said as seriously as Twilight could imagine her being. “You just need to stay for a bit.”
Twilight felt a little kernel of irritation. It radiated heat in her mind’s eye. Pinkie just didn’t understand. But as soon as she felt that unpleasantness, Twilight surpressed it. Time was finite but not scarce. She could afford to play along for a bit more. And besides, she was enjoying the way coffee made her feel. More alive. More… alert.
She was alert enough now to notice that something was off. Around her, ponies seemed to actively avoid her gaze. Pinkie seemed less hyper and more jumpy. Jumpy, that was the word. Pinkie Pie was always bouncing, but now she just seemed nervous. Twilight decided she didn’t like it.
“Alright,” she said, and smiled. “Might I perhaps take the rest outside?”
“I’ll bring a press right out!” Pinkie said quickly and before Twilight could protest that that was quite too much, that she would really rather pay, Pinkie was gone. Sighing, Twilight stood and blew a stray bit of mane out of her eyes. It returned, and she blew it aside again. This simply caused more to fall in her face. Exasperated, she moved it with her magic and tucked the errant strands behind her ear.
Yet, it was not simply a few strands. She realized that her mane was far too long. How had she let that get away from her? She was not quite as obsessed with her looks as Rarity, perhaps, but she usually took such care to be neatly groomed. Twilight felt embarrassed. How rough must she look? Glad I asked to sit outside, she thought and shuffled out the door.
The sun hurt her eyes. It was bright, which was not unusual, but to Twilight it seemed as if it had never been this bright. Even under the parasol that graced her little pink table she felt the sun’s oppressive weight.
Pinkie was outside and placing the press on her table before Twilight even saw her. Twilight had coffee ready at hand before she could even open her mouth.
Pinkie moved with manic energy. Nervous energy. Twilight was fully awake now. For once, she was not thinking about the Project.
“Pinkie…”
“Yes, Twilight? What is it? How is the coffee we changed from Marewell House to Community and I really am glad we did it was such a good idea do you like the chicory--”
Twilight gestured with a hoof. “No, no, whoa. Calm down. Slow down, Pinkie.”
“Sorry.”
“It’s fine,” Twilight said with a smile. “Now, are you alright? You seem kinda ragged. Has work been stressful? Are the Cakes doing alright? Have you been struggling with the kids?”
“Cupcake and Pound are fine,” Pinkie said is if she didn’t know those names. Her eyes bored into Twilight. “Uh, the Cakes are just fine--”
“Pinkie,” Twilight said, tsking. “You know you can talk to me. You seem really on-edge. What’s the matter?”
Pinkie looked, just for a moment--just for a fraction of a fraction of time suspended in amber--like the most miserable pony on the face of the world. Twilight almost jerked back in dismay.
But suddenly she was Pinkie again, more or less normal. Smiling. “Nothing. It’s just been a really busy morning! I had trouble sleeping and you know how I get cranky when I’m tired!”
“Right.” Twilight sipped her coffee, a little shaken.
“Oh! Look!” Pinkie stood up and waved frantically at somepony over Twilight’s shoulder. Twilight hesitated, but finally looked.
Applejack and Rainbow Dash stopped dead in the street. A sack of groceries fell from Rainbow Dash’s foreleg, but she didn’t stoop to collect them. Both ponies just stared at her with wide eyes, the way one stares at ghosts and nightmares. Pinkie was still waving frantically behind her, Twilight could hear her movements. Applejack recovered first. She put on the most obviously forced smile Twilight had ever seen and lazily proceeded closer. Rainbow shook her head, and seemed about to say something, but then she looked down and realized her back had emptied. As she bent down and began furiously collecting her things, Applejack called back at her.
“Don’t let me keep ya, I know you were heading back to go see Fluttershy quick like,” Applejack drawled. Rainbow Dash looked up at her, and worked her mouth for a second as if she’d forgotten how to speak. She finshed picking up her groceries and was gone without having said a word to Twilight.
“Howdy,” Applejack said.
“Morning,” Twilight responded.
“It’s really good to see you, AJ! I thought you might be coming in to town soon I know its getting around that time of year when I see you more and you know Twilight just happened to come by out of the blue, like who expected that, right? And--”
Twilight lost track of the rambling and focused on Applejack.
Because if Twilight didn’t know better she was under duress.
She had been irritated before, and she was irritated again. Something was going on, and she didn’t have time to deal with foolishness. The Project was calling. Twilight felt her head begin to throb--not so badly at first. It was a dull sort of unpleasantness. Not really pain. She really needed to get back.
Twilight rubbed her temple. She drank some coffee and felt a little better. But between every sip from there out she kept the library in her line of sight.
“It’s good to see you out and about, Twilight. Always good to see you,” Applejack said. Her voice was obviously too loud, obviously too cheerful. She was always loud and cheerful but this was like a parody of the Applejack she had known.
“Hm,” Twilight said, shutting down. It did not occur to her to ask “why” or “how”. In fact, her only thought was that this was all nice but she really needed to get back to work soon.
“W-well anyhow, Twilight, how have you been?”
“Good,” Twilight answered. Her voice was flat. “Busy.”
“Whatcha been working on so hard in there?” Applejack asked, with her too-big smile.
“The Project. The Book,” Twilight said.
“Right, ah, and what’s that book about?”
“A lot of things.”
“That’s Twilight for ya, bein’ one of those… uh, poly-somethin’s. I forgot. Mac used that word just the other day--”
“Polymath?” Twilight offered, and looked away from the direction of her library for just a moment.
“Right! That’s it. You’re always the one who knows the answer, Twi. I’ve always admired that about you,” Applejack said. Twilight lookd back up at her, and suddenly she felt… strange. Until this point, Applejack had seemed like she was trying to hide something, but suddenly she seemed like she was desperate to say something.
So Twilight asked. “What’s wrong?”
Applejack gaped at her. “Ah, nothin’, nothin’, just…”
It was then that Rainbow Dash returned with Fluttershy and Rarity in tow. Both had been at the spa. Twilight could tell from the slippers still on Rarity’s hooves, the towel around her head, and the distant spa pony running after them on the street.
“Twilight, darling!” Rarity said. Unlike the others, she had not hesitated. She was on Twilight in a flash. “How are you? How are you feeling? I have been meaning to talk with you, if you have the time--”
Twilight squirmed in her seat as a still-damp Rarity hugged her. “I’m kind of about to go back to work, actually. I mean, I’m sure it’s important, and I would love to help, but I’m so close to a breakthrough, I think…”
“Oh, but there is a difference between important and urgent, dear, and I must insist. This is very urgent, and I’m sure another hour won’t make that much of a difference--”
An hour. Sixty minutes. Twilight suddenly felt nauseous. She couldn’t be away from the Work that long. The Project! The Book! It had to go on. She had to get back. She had to get back right now.
She stood. Her head was pounding. “Excuse me…”
“Where are you going?”
“Twi!”
“Please move, I need to go home now,” Twilight said, hesitantly.
She stared right into Rainbow Dash’s face. Rainbow stared back. And then Dash took a deep, deep breath and grimaced. “Pinkie, grab her.”
Pinkie obeyed. Twilight felt hooves around her. Her friends--were they her friends?--began to drag her back away from the library. She flailed. Her hooves hit flesh. She felt them hit. She tried to bite one of their hooves as they struggled to keep her still. She failed once, succeeded, then she could reach nopony else. Her mind was blank except for a single thought. RETURN. RETURN RETURN RETURN RETURN RETURN RETURN
“Don’t let her get any closer! Hold on!”
“How long! Oh--She’ll get free at this rate!”
“Damn, where the hell did the bookworm get this sort of… dammit Twi don’t bite me!”
“Twilight, please! Twilight, stop, please!”
Twilight’s fury remembered magic and she reached out and grabbed her power.
The five ponies were flung off of her. They landed in the dust, kicking up little indignant clouds. Twilight spent no time panting and recovering. She was gone, sprinting back towards the library, back towards her door. Back to the Book. What was left of her conscious mind thought only of the Book. If she didn’t touch it, if she didn’t have it, she would die. Immediately. She did not want to die.
She heard pursuit but did not look back. Looking back slowed you down.
But it didn’t matter. One of them caught up. Twilight found herself barreling face first into the dirt. Her nose felt broken. She tried to crawl but she made little progress.
“Twilight!” It was Applejack.
Twilight looked up and reached.
The world had gone mad. Nothing made sense. Her friends were not her friends. This town was not her town. Nothing made sense--but the Book made sense. The Project had meaning. She would make it back. She would be alive again. She just had to make it.
“Twilight! Get ahold of yourself! Snap out of it!”
She wanted to scream. She wanted to ask what had happened while she was away.
“It’s for your… dammit! Don’t kick me! It’s for your own good!”
Twilight snarled.
Rainbow Dash landed in front of her forehooves and pinned them.
Twilight’s horn flared… and nothing happened. Rarity, panting, had arrived and with her she brought a ring that Twilight recognized. And Twilight, who had only partially lost it, proceeded to lose it. She was like an animal--all traces of sapience or reason vanished.
Had she been aware, she would have felt a great shudder overtake her. She would have felt electric fire in her veins and the air sucked out of her lungs. She would have felt the despair unto death. She would have felt what it was like to die.
A few moments passed this way.
Twilight lay panting on the street. Applejack was on top of her. Rarity sprawled to the side, her mane drying in the sun, her just-manicured hooves filthy. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy slumped together, watching, waiting. Pinkie stood.
Twilight said nothing. Whether she was capable of thought or speech was dubious.
Rarity stirred. “Is it over, then?”
“I won’t say yes or no ‘till I”m sure,” Applejack said, her voice sagging with exhaustion. “She put up a hell of a fight.”
“You had to do it, dear.”
“Yeah.”
“How long has it been?” Fluttershy asked. “Celestia’s letter wasn’t that helpful.”
“Uh…. I don’t know when she left,” Pinkie said, pursing her lips. “But I think she’s been out of the tree for like thirty minutes now. Maybe? I don’t know. Where’d you find that ring, Rarity? It sure was helpful, but it’s a weird thing to have…”
Rarity coughed and looked away. Had Twilight been able to notice such things, she would have seen her flush. “A Lady has her ways, Pinkie. But let us return to the matter at hoof. Twilight. Is she conscious, Applejack?”
“Yup.”
“Then… Twilight? Twilight, can you hear me?”
No answer.
“Twilight, please, talk to us. We’re your friends.”
Silence.
“I know this must seem so strange to you. Frightening, even! It would to me… but you have to understand that we didn’t know what to do. We panicked!”
Twilight stirred. “I have to get back.”
“No,” Rarity answered, shaking her head. “No, you don’t. You simply cannot go back right now, Twilight. You can’t.”
Twilight began to shake. This was so wrong. So very wrong. Why would her friends do this? “But I have to… it’s important. Rarity, please! Applejack, you’re hurting me…”
“I’m not, either. I know I ain’t.”
“Please let me go.”
“I can’t, sugarcube. Wish I could.”
Twilight’s eyes began to water. “Please, I don’t understand.”
Rarity looked over at Fluttershy, and then to Applejack. Then she spoke. “I think you may be coming back to us, Twilight. Do you remember anything? About the last month, I mean.”
“No? I mean, not everything…” she whined. “I just want to go home. I have work to do.”
Rarity ground her teeth. “Yes, you do, don’t you?” But then she took a deep breath. “Twilight, I’m going to try and explain things to you, but first I need to know if it’s… if it’s you.”
Twilight stared at her. Tears escaped her eyes and rolled down her dirty cheeks. If its me? But I’m me. Who else would I be?
“Rarity, I don’t understand.”
“I know you don’t. Sh. It’s okay… it’s alright. Twilight, it’s alright. Don’t cry, darling. Please… Celestia said that it would be hard. I’m sorry we tackled you… I’m sorry that I put my nullification ring on you. I’d been carrying it around… I hoped I wouldn’t need it…”
“Celestia?” Twilight asked hazily. “But what would she know… I mean, what’s going on?”
“Twilight, can you explain your work to me?” Applejack asked.
Twilight blinked. Of course she could! This Project of hers was the seminal achievement of her life. It combined every shred of experience and will and knowledge she had! She could explain it. They might not understand but of course she could--
“It’s…” her voice warbled. “It’s complicated.”
“So you can’t.”
Twilight stared, wide-eyed, dumbfounded. “I… I’m… trying to.”
“But you can’t. Physically, you cannot,” Rarity supplied.
“Yes. Yes that’s right,” Twilight said, breathlessly.
“You found a book a month and a half ago, Twilight,” Applejack said in her ear. “You were pretty excited about it, and got to work translatin’ and writin’ like you do all the time.”
“Yeah, but then you got weird,” Rainbow Dash said.
“You became more reluctant to leave the library,” Fluttershy offered quietly. We didn’t notice anything was wrong at first. We just thought you were busy… we’re really sorry…”
“But you missed a pet playdate that you organized!” said Pinkie. “That’s when we knew something was up.”
“Yes, all of that,” Rarity continued smoothly. “We tried to talk to you, visit you, but found that at the best of times you were irritable and nonverbal and at the worst you were easily made murderously furious. Any distraction drove you into a tantrum. After two weeks or so, you stopped leaving for food. We had to bring food to you. Spike is staying at my house right now. He sleeps in Sweetie’s room… I took him with me, Twilight. You weren’t yourself…”
Twilight blinked. “But… I don’t…”
“Celestia said you wouldn’t want to believe it. We tried to make you leave, but you attacked anyone that got near you by the end. Applejack and I tried to rouse you only a few days ago, and you almost killed her with a bookshelf. And you don’t remember?”
Twilight shook her head frantically. “No… no, I would never do that--”
“You tried to bite a chunk out of my ear!” Pinkie said, a bit too cheerfully.
“No, I wouldn’t--”
“You were very angry,” Fluttershy all but whispered.
Twilight was speechless.
“Twilight, we have to keep you from going home. You can’t be near the book. It’s bad for you… Celestia said it was an old conjurer’s trick turned wrong. She said you would be able to figure out what I meant.”
Twilight struggled to put words and images to meanings. “I… I think I remember something about Classical era mages enchanting books to keep rivals from stealing their secrets or students from going ahead of their ability… I think… you couldn’t stop reading, but you never actually knew what you were reading? I guess.” She sounded so lost. Like a child.
“Sounds about right.”
“I still… I need to get back.”
Rarity shook her head. “You simply want to go back.”
“But it’s important.”
“The book is blank, Twilight. You’ve done no work. There is no… ah, Project, I think you said? You just stare and mumble and turn pages.”
“No… but I remember working! It was so important. I was so happy. Everypony would be so proud of me…”
“Twi,” Applejack whispered from atop her. “we were already proud of you. We love you. If I didn’t love you I woulda bailed the first time you kicked me, you know? You gotta let it go. The Princess said if you stayed away long enough you would be free.”
“But I was so happy.”
“You were a slave,” Applejack said, her voice strangely sharp.
“The Princess also said it would be frightening,” Rarity said as Twilight began to shake.
Twilight cried freely now. And now she knew her senses had been fogged over, for her eyes saw more clearly and she heard with renewed sharpness. She began to remember the book and how she had poured over pages of… nothing. Absolutely nothing. It was all true. All of it. She had been caught in the trap laid for her.
“I feel alone,” she said. “I feel empty. It’s going. I feel it going. What was it? What did it want? It made me so happy. I was finally happy always. I could work and hum and smile and be happy forever, and never feel alone. I would rather die.”
She wept bitterly.
Author's Note
For I delight in the law of God after the inward man: But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?
(Romans 7:23-24 KJV)
Such a heartwrenching passage. Wonderful deep reading, Romans is.
