Results May Vary

by CoffeeMinion

Rating: teen
Tags: Big Macintosh, Derpy Hooves, Berry Punch, Drama, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sparkler, Pinkie Pie
Length: 4860

Derpy and Berry Punch are coerced into starting a single-moms group.

Nopony's life goes according to plan.

When an overzealous social worker "encourages" Derpy and Berry Punch to start a support group for single-moms, the two discover they have little in common, save that their lives aren't turning out quite as they wanted.

Proofreading and consultation by the multi-talented Bluegrass Brooke.

Cover art stitched together from here and here and here and here using Inkscape.

This is my entry for the Deviance contest.

Published 2015-06-30 02:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-06-30 02:00:02 UTC

Uncomfortable Encounters

Derpy could smell the Silver Stirrup’s pungent odor of barley, rye, and sweat before she'd even pushed through the door. She paused, took a deep breath, and reminded herself that she wasn't the one in trouble with FPS. But this brought more of the bar's alcohol-stench to her muzzle, further rattling her nerves.

She stepped inside and spent a few moments gazing with unfocused eyes as her ears sopped-up the din of ponies talking, laughing, and setting mugs down on wooden tabletops. Though she couldn't see them clearly now, she could still remember the bar's rows of high-backed wooden benches that set a little too close to the tables, forcing all but the slightest-framed ponies to squeeze themselves through the gaps.

Derpy fought to calm herself as she moved toward the side of the room where the long wet-bar would be. But after a few steps, her hoof bumped the leg of a chair she hadn't seen. It gave her the vague impression that some of the old benches had been replaced by more typical tables-and-chairs.

The pony she'd bumped turned to face her. “'Scuse ya there… Derpy?”

She froze. The voice was deep, familiar—she shuddered—too familiar.

The stallion slid his chair back and rose. “I'm sorry, Miss Hooves; pardon my manners.”

Her trepidation about meeting Berry Punch, and her annoyance with Sparkler, melted away. The years melted with them, and she remembered a sliver of time—just an instant, long ago—when he'd held her in his hooves. Her eyes closed as the memory came flooding back.

“Don't see ya in here too often,” he said after a moment of silence.

She opened her eyes, and, praise Celestia, they focused. He stood tall as ever, a crimson giant with a broad face, sandy mane, and dark green eyes that she could lose herself in.

Big Mac cleared his throat. “Uh, fellas, this here's Miss Derpy Hooves. She... delivers the mail just as quick as ya like.”

Derpy looked past him and saw he'd been sitting with two smaller stallions she didn't recognize. The pair leaned closer as they got a look at her eyes. It was a subtle but familiar shift in posture that she knew meant they'd be trying to think of a polite way to ask her about them.

“Oh, uh… Derpy, these guys run our hoofball fantasy league,” Mac said. He gave her a sheepish smile that echoed one she'd seen so long before. “Got an extra seat here if ya want to join us. . .”

Derpy looked away. By chance, her eyes fell on a purple mare seated at the bar. Derpy felt a twinge of anxiety as she recognized the earth pony's dark-pink mane, and the strawberry and grape-cluster of her cutie mark.

She didn't really want to talk to Berry Punch, but at least it gave her an excuse to get away from Mac. “I'm sorry, but… I'm here to meet somepony.”

“Oh,” Mac said, hesitating. Cracks formed in his friendly and confident exterior. “No worries,” he added, giving her a grin she wasn't sure was genuine. “I… I hope you two have a good time.”

“Thank you,” she breathed.

Derpy's feelings were muddled by the awkwardness of the chance meeting, but she managed to keep her eyes focused as she made her way between a few more tables. As Derpy approached the polished wooden bar, Berry Punch turned and fixed her with an unnerving, incredulous smile.

“Looks like you two used to be an item,” Berry said, winking.

Derpy took a deep breath as she settled on the wooden stool next to Berry Punch. She didn't like to think about what she and Mac had been, but she didn't think an item was the right description.

Berry gave her a soft punch on the shoulder. "Hey, if you've got something better going on, I'm not gonna take it personally. You gotta get it where you can, right?"

Derpy furrowed her brow at Berry's unwanted touch. “Big Mac is one of the nicest stallions I know. Probably the nicest. But that's all."

Berry's face twisted in a sly grin. "Cheerilee thought he was more than 'nice' while they were dating. Too bad I couldn't get any details out of her…"

Derpy sighed. Her eyes closed as she picked at the tangle of emotions in her gut. The thought of him was hard enough to bear; thinking of him doing that with another mare was worse. She blushed at where that line of thought was taking her.

Berry's voice shattered her reverie. “Geez, you've really got it bad for him, don't you?” She leaned closer. “So what's the story?”

A bead of sweat formed at Derpy's brow. “I don't want to talk about it.”

Berry rolled her eyes and leaned back. “Oh, come on. You and me are supposed to start this stupid single-moms group, right? Talk about our feelings, and all that crap?”

Derpy blushed. “I… guess?”

“Well, if you wanna know what I’m feeling, it’s that I haven’t gotten any action in a while. And if I’m gonna be stuck here talking about it, I might as well have something to think on.”

Derpy's blush intensified. "I… think we were supposed to talk about… other things."

Berry scoffed. “Let me guess: You're the type that thinks you're some sort of 'bad girl' because you have the itch, right? And Celestia forbid that anypony should discover you go out and scratch it every once in a while.”

"...No,” Derpy said, trying to keep her eyes focused as she struggled to find the right words. “You do know that Dinky is adopted…?”

Berry threw her hooves wide. “You're really that self-righteous? You're gonna sit here and act like you can't even talk about it with anypony?”

Derpy slowly turned her head to look somewhere in the vicinity of Big Mac. "There isn’t much to talk about," she said after a moment's contemplation. "I'm just... waiting for the right guy."

Berry froze. Derpy could see the wheels turning in her head.

“Wait. But that would mean… you've really never?”

Derpy squeezed her eyes shut and remembered one night when, fueled by grief and alcohol, she and Mac had come so very close.

"Ohmigosh, this is so weird. I mean, you're… what, a year or two older than me?”

“I'm not weird,” Derpy growled.

"You kind of are," Berry said. “And that's not even getting into the thing about your eyes…”

Derpy felt a surge of anger. “Don't you get it? The whole point of this group is to help you and Pinchy. Pushing me away won’t get you anywhere.”

“And where am I supposed to get to? I never asked to end up as a single mom.”

Derpy scoffed. “Well, I guess you should've thought of that before you started… 'scratching' your 'itch' with every stallion you ran across!”

“Oh-ho, we’ve got a live one here,” Berry said, leaning back on her seat and gesturing with her hooves. “Behold, Queen Derpy, sitting on her muffin throne, judging all of stallionkind unworthy to defile her!”

For some reason, Berry's words conjured a memory of the moment she'd pushed Big Mac away, so many years before. The sadness in his eyes, the pain of losing his parents, the fear of how his life would change by stepping into the role of taking care of his young sisters… they'd been oddly attractive.

If he hadn't been so kind and handsome, or if they hadn't managed to sneak away with booze so easily, she would have seen it before that moment. And sometimes she still wished she had just done it. But she knew it wouldn't have been love. Desperation, passion, hunger; but not love. And Derpy wanted love.

She'd found a pure and innocent form of it in her love for Dinky. But she wouldn't have minded finding a form that was more… earthy, as well.

“What's the matter?” Berry taunted. “Mac got your tongue?”

“I don't need this,” Derpy said, rising from her stool. “I don’t know what good I was supposed to do here, anyway.” She took a few steps toward the door, but then turned back. “You have a daughter, Berry. I’m sure she loves you, but she’s watching you. What are you teaching her?”

Derpy turned away again. Her eyes were going in and out of focus, but she didn’t care; she set the best course that she could, and held her wings out slightly to help her avoid obstacles by touch.

“Wait,” Berry called from behind her. Derpy stopped, and turned, and got the impression that all of the earth pony’s sarcasm had drained away. “I'm sorry. I'm… just messing with you. It isn't meant to be personal.”

Derpy gave her a flat look. “Am I supposed to believe you work this hard at pushing everpony's buttons?”

“No, Just… ponies who come at me, trying to 'help.'” Berry looked morose. “Like anypony knows what I need 'help' with.”

Derpy walked back over and sat down, but kept her emotional guard up. “Well? What is it, then?”

Berry’s laugh was humorless. “I don't know. You could say my life hasn’t exactly gone according to plan.”

Derpy hesitated. “So what was your plan?”

Berry shook her head. “I didn’t have time to make one.” She pointed toward her flank. “I ended up with this thing pretty early.”

Derpy tried to focus her eyes on Berry's cutie mark. “You mean… the fruit?”

Berry gestured around the room. “What do you think half the stuff they sell here is made from?”

Derpy frowned.

Berry sighed. “I still remember the night I got it. I was just a little older than our girls.” Her voice became mocking, and sickly-sweet. “I just wanted to find out why mommy and daddy liked their drinks so much.”

“You got your cutie mark… from drinking?”

“Our parents sucked.” Berry paused and looked around the room. “Think of all the useful talents everypony else’s cutie mark gives them. And mine's just good for getting sloshed.”

Derpy wanted to say something reassuring, but she couldn't find the words.

“Well, enough about me,” Berry said, obviously faking her smile. “How about you tell me what happened with Big Mac?”

“Why, so you can make fun of me again?”

“No,” Berry said, looking down at the bar. “I just… whatever it is, I didn't even know you'd had something bad like that happen.” She looked up at Derpy. “I mean, you really seem like you've got your life… pretty well put-together, you know?”

Derpy drew back in shock. “You're kidding, right?”

“No,” Berry said, waving her forehooves. “I'm serious. You've had your job for, like, forever… and your own place… and… I mean, you really wanted to be a single mom. And, like, you're making it work.”

Derpy frowned. “No, it's… not like you're thinking. My job's not that great, and sometimes I barely make ends meet. And it isn't like I wanted to be single this long; I just found Dinky before... you know.” Derpy shook her head. “Now, even if I wanted to, having a job and a daughter makes it just about impossible to do anything else.”

“Oh, I totally get you,” Berry said, smiling. “Pinchy always needs help with her homework after school, and when it’s done, she wants to play for hours. I love her, but most nights I’m too tired to go out and get some action after I finally get her to bed.”

Derpy felt a mild sense of revulsion at Berry's frankness about what she wanted. Yet in a way, it was also refreshing to meet somepony who was so open about it. Derpy ended up smiling, and laughing a little; she could at least relate to what Berry was saying about life from after-school to bedtime. “You know, I really haven't talked about this sort of thing with anypony in… well, ever.”

Berry shook her head. “Celestia, that's sad. Let me buy you a drink.”

Derpy looked down. “I… really shouldn't.”

“Why not?” Berry looked as if Derpy had just refused air and sunshine.

Derpy thought back to the way she’d tried to drown her sadness after breaking up with Mac. “I… might not be able… to stop.”

Berry gave a slow nod. “Yeah… I guess I know what that's like.”

Derpy looked up with a cautious smile. “Maybe we could have a couple ciders instead? You know… not the hard kind?”

Berry laughed. “Hey, barkeep! Two ciders down here!”

“Thanks,” Derpy said. “I guess… if you really want to know what happened with Big Mac…”

Berry shook her head. “Forget I asked.” She paused as a tall white mare walked over and set a pair of full mugs before them. “Some things aren't my business.”

“No, I think I'd like to talk about it,” Derpy said. "I mean… most guys just get a look at my eyes, and don’t take me seriously. Or they see how I sometimes break stuff…”

Berry put a hoof on her shoulder. “Come on, most guys are jerks. You'll meet the right one, someday.”

Derpy looked up at her. “You think so?”

“I could set you up with some guys I know.”

Derpy laughed. “Um, no offense, but...”

“No, I'm talking about nice guys. Seriously, I could put in a good word.” She jerked her head toward Big Mac. “Unless you're gonna keep carrying that torch.”

“Oh, I don't know,” Derpy said, looking back at him. “I have to say, I kind of like the big ones...”

Berry broke into a fit of laughter. “Maybe this whole moms-group thing is gonna work out after all,” she managed after a while.

An Unexpected Visit

“Mommy, what's that cart doing outside?”

Derpy looked up from an unfinished jigsaw puzzle depicting Princess Celestia and tried to focus her eyes on the sunlit window. Dinky was up on the back of the soft grey couch set just below it. The unicorn filly looked back at her with concern.

“What's it look like?” Derpy asked, rising from the floor.

Dinky turned her head back and pressed close to the window, stopping only when her horn made contact with a soft tink. “Foal… Protective...”

Derpy's heart skipped a beat. A routine check-up by staff from the adoption home was one thing, as Sparkler usually handled those, and she was easy to work with. Sparkler was also just a few years younger than Derpy, unlike some of the old battle-axes who worked at the home.

But a visit from FPS was something else entirely. Derpy had never had one of those before. She tried to corral her panic long enough to take a mental inventory of how Sparkler's last visit had gone.

When the knock came at her door, Derpy’s half-formed thoughts abandoned her, leaving only greater panic in their wake.

Dinky jumped down from the couch and raced over to throw her hooves around Derpy. Derpy felt heartbroken as the trembling filly asked, “Mommy... do you want me to get that?”

“N… no, I will,” Derpy stammered.

Her front door was just down a short hallway from the living room. Each step brought Derpy close to what she felt must be her end. She couldn't imagine what she'd done to catch FPS' eye… she didn't know what had gone wrong, and she didn't know if she could endure finding out. Not if it could mean losing her little muffin.

She raised her hoof to the doorknob, squeezed her eyes shut, and turned it.

“Hey Derpy!” shouted somepony both familiar and much too chipper.

Derpy's eyes fluttered open. She was too nervous to focus properly. All they took in were vague impressions of a pink and darker-pink blur superimposed on a fuzzy green-and-blue world.

“P… Pinkie Pie?”

“Well, duh! Now where's that silly filly who's just can't wait for a visit from her auntie Pinkie?”

Derpy struggled to make sense of what was happening. “You're… not her aunt,” was all she managed.

The pink blur threw a hoof around her shoulder and pulled her close. “I know,” she said in a breathy, theatrical imitation of a whisper. “But Sparkler said I could say I was if it might help break the ice with Dinky!”

“Pinkie… why are you here to see Dinky? And... why did you come with… that wagon?”

“You like my new wheels?” the blur asked. A flash of white somewhere in the middle suggested a toothy grin. “Actually, it's just a loaner. Sparkler had Lollipop there drive me over as soon as she got done talking with Berry Punch.”

Derpy grabbed what she hoped were Pinkie Pie's shoulders and fixed her with an intense, albeit wall-eyed stare. “Pinkie. You need to tell me why there's a Foal Protective Services wagon in front of my house, and you need to tell me now.”

The blur paused and made a motion that suggested cocking its head. “Oh!” Pinkie shouted. “Ohmigosh, now I get it! I'm so sorry, Derpy! No, Sparkler sent me to pick you up, but not… for that. This isn't what it looks like at all!”

Derpy took a steadying breath. “I want you to tell… Lollipop… to drive the cart away.”

“Well, okay, if you're willing to fly yourself over. Just... can you please let go of my ears?”

“Sorry,” Derpy said, doing so. As the pink pony bounded off, she settled her weight against the doorframe and heaved a deep sigh.

“Mommy?” came a small voice from behind her. “Is... is everything okay?”

Derpy turned to look at Dinky, and gave her an extra-big smile as she realized she'd calmed down enough for her eyes to focus properly again. “I think so, Muffin.”

“Okie-dokie-lokie!” the bouncing pink mare shouted as she landed next to them again. She bent down and gave Dinky a huge smile. “Hey Dinky! Are you ready for an afternoon of fun-fun-fun with your auntie Pinkie Pie?”

“Where's my mommy going to go?” Dinky asked, looking between the two mares with uncertainty.

“She's got a daaaaate!” Pinkie sing-songed, leaning close to Derpy and winking.

Derpy jerked back, feeling… almost dirty. She didn't have a date. She wouldn't. She never, ever went on dates…

“Oh, not a date like a date-date,” Pinkie said, picking up on Derpy's body language. “More like an awesome single-moms-group date!” She raised a hoof to the sky. “Sistas, represent; we doin' it for ourselves now!”

Derpy's mind pulled back from the place of discomfort that the word date had taken it to. She took a deep breath. Sparkler had been talking about wanting to set up a single-moms' support group in Ponyville for the last few months.

“So, wait,” Derpy said, putting the pieces together. “You're saying that Berry Punch was picked up by Foal Protective Services this morning, and that you were there helping Sparkler with something—”

“I come cheer up the foals a couple times a month.”

“—and that Sparkler wants me and Berry Punch to start a single-moms group right now, and that she sent you here to watch Dinky while we're doing that?”

“Ding ding ding! Now, don't worry, Missus… Mizz Hooves.” Pinkie dug into the back of her mane and whipped out a pair of folded-up pieces of paper. “I've got references from two different parents for my foalsitting credentials. I am totes responsible.”

“Are they from both of the Cakes?”

Pinkie's face grew serious, then it grew uncomfortably close to Derpy's. “Wow, do you have some kind of psychic mojo going on in there? Because you are on fire.”

Derpy sighed. Sparkler could have all the subtlety of a sledgehammer when she got it in her head to do a “proper” job of organizing something. She would have known that Derpy would be at home playing with Dinky on a Sunday afternoon, and that they wouldn't have any special plans...

Still, one thing bothered her. “What did they get Berry Punch for?”

Pinkie Pie turned to Dinky with an immense smile. “Dinky? Why don't you go run ahead and get all your favorite toys out for auntie Pinkie to help play with, while the grown-ups talk?”

“O-okay,” Dinky said, looking uncertain but heading back into the house.

Pinkie kept her smile fixed for a few moments as the filly trotted off. Then it fell. And as it did, Derpy was shocked to see Pinkie Pie… harden. She couldn't put her hoof on what exactly had changed, but there was a transformation in Pinkie's countenance that was unnerving, bordering on frightening.

“I don't like that Berry Punch,” Pinkie said, her tone leaving no mistake about her seriousness. “When I throw parties, I care about everypony having a good time, all the way from the littlest foal to the oldest and creakiest. But that mare?” Pinkie spat. “All she cares about is glug glug glug. Doesn't matter who's watching; doesn't matter what she ends up doing after, or with whom. She just doesn’t care!”

Derpy's eyes went wide. These were not words that the party pony would ever be heard to speak about anypony. Not even a pony like Berry Punch, who, granted, as far as Derpy had heard, was just as Pinkie had described her.

“Yeah, I stopped inviting her to my parties years ago, around the time she got herself you-know-whatted.” Pinkie paused to shake her head. “That poor filly. She shoulda been taken by FPS a long time before now, and she probably would've been if Berry didn't have her sister to stay with. And to lie for her.”

Derpy's eyes widened again. Suddenly her daughter's teacher had been dragged into this. “Cherrilee... would lie about the safety of a foal?”

“Of course not,” Pinkie said. “She takes better care of Pinchy than most moms would of their own foals. Doesn't change that Berry's drunk as a skunk nine mornings out of ten. Heck, if Cherrilee had just adopted Pinchy out from under her, none of us would be talking right now.”

Dinky came bounding down the hall behind them. “Miss Pinkie Pie! I've got all my toys out for you!”

If Derpy had found Pinkie's initial transformation frightening, she found the next one terrifying. In the blink of an eye, all of Pinkie's simmering anger and surly attitude were simply gone. In their place was what Derpy knew must be a smiling pink party-pony shaped mask. It bounced and laughed as it made its way into her home, but Derpy wondered what was really underneath it. And, for just a moment, Derpy felt unsure about leaving her daughter in its presence.

Derpy shook her head, willing her doubts to subside. After all, this was Pinkie Pie.

“She'll meet you over at the Silver Stirrup!” Pinkie called from somewhere deep inside the house. Derpy frowned; her nose crinkled at an imagined smell. It was a bar. She never went to bars.

Suddenly—impossibly—Pinkie's head poked out from around a nearby corner. Derpy jumped. “Meeting there was Berry's one condition for agreeing to start the group,” Pinkie faux-whispered before disappearing again.

Well-Intentioned Meddling

Derpy did her best to keep both eyes focused as she soared high over Ponyville. Colorful ponies milled to and fro among a quilt-like pattern of green grass, grey roads, and tiny-looking buildings.

Derpy frowned. The Silver Stirrup was over on the same side of town as Sweet Apple Acres. She hadn't been anywhere near the farm in longer than she cared to remember, and not just because it was covered by somepony else's mail route.

A gust of hot summer wind tickled her wings before pushing her into a roll. Bright sunlight washed over her face as she went upside-down, and a brief sense of disorientation caused her to misjudge which way was up. She came out of the roll just a few feet above city hall, and she had to beat her wings furiously to keep a downdraft from slamming her into it.

Ponies often asked her why she flew so high when she was just flying across town. Of course, they were often the same ponies who used to get mad at her when she’d fly too low and crash into things.

She spotted the bar a few minutes later. It was a long, low building finished in dark wood, perched in a patch of bare earth behind a pleasant row of shops. Ponies could walk right by and not even notice it, which likely influenced the decision to let somepony build it there.

Derpy caught sight of a light-purple unicorn standing near the door as she began her descent. She also noticed several carts parked in a small lot next to the bar, and frowned at the realization that one of them was from FPS. Maybe it would be good that Sparkler had turned up to help get things going, but Derpy was still just annoyed about being dragged away from her home.

“Hi Derpy,” Sparkler said as the pegasus touched-down. “Thanks for coming.”

Derpy paused to preen a feather that felt out of place. “Did I really have a choice?”

“Of course. The group is supposed to be a good thing. You haven't done anything wrong...”

Derpy scowled. “Then why did you have a Foal Protective Services cart pull up outside my house? Don't you know most ponies already think I can't take care of myself, much less Dinky? What do you think the neighbors are going to be talking about for the next… like, forever?”

Sparkler facehooved. “Look, I'm sorry. I'll… find a way to make this right. It's just been impossible to get Berry Punch to agree to meet like this.” Her face took on a toothy, nasty grin. “That is, until we got her over a barrel this morning.”

“What do you mean?”

“It took a little detective work,” Sparkler said, looking proud of herself. “But we finally figured out that Cheerilee goes out on her own for a while on Sunday mornings. And of course, everypony knows that Berry Punch goes out and overdoes it on Saturday nights.” She reared up for a moment and clopped her forehooves together. “And just like that, you've got a little filly who's home alone with somepony who can't take care of her. It's an open-and-shut case for FPS.”

Derpy cocked her head. “I thought you worked for the adoption home, not FPS.”

“I do. It's just that Ponyville could use more coordination between its social services. My correspondence classes talked a lot about the system they have in Canterlot...”

“This isn't Canterlot,” Derpy interrupted. “And if Berry is in that much trouble with FPS, why don't they just take Pinchy away from her and be done with it?”

Sparkler's face fell. “Derpy, I started working at the adoption home because I wanted to see foals united with families, not taken away from them. I still think Berry can take care of Pinchy; I just think she needs some support to realize that for herself.”

Derpy frowned. “Well, doesn't Cheerilee support her?”

“Cheerilee enables her,” the unicorn said in hushed tones. “Berry's never been independent. As soon as big-sis Cheerilee was old enough to get her own place, Berry tagged along.” She paused and shook her head. “Their family has quite the file in FPS' archives.”

Derpy glanced over at the bar's rough wooden door. “I'm not qualified to fix those kinds of issues.”

“I don't need you to fix anything. I'm trying to see if I can bring in a substance-abuse counselor from Canterlot to help with that. I just need the two of you to give this group an honest try.” Sparkler paused. “Believe it or not, Berry and Pinchy are going through some of the same things that you and Dinky are. You should have lots to talk about.”

Derpy pointed a hoof toward the FPS cart. “Really? Because it doesn't look that way from where I'm standing!”

“I know you're skeptical, but please, give this a chance.”

Derpy's eyes lost focus as she came to the real problem gnawing at her.

“Sparkler… I don't go to bars anymore.”

The unicorn gave her a quizzical look. “Well, so what?”

“You don't understand. There was a time… a long time ago… when I did.”

Sparkler nodded, but she showed no signs of comprehension. “...And?”

Derpy sighed. “I had to stop drinking, Sparkler. And… that was really hard for me, at the time.”

Sparkler's eyes lit up as she finally realized what Derpy was saying.

“I swore I'd never set hoof in a bar again,” Derpy added. “I swore a lot of things, when I finally got myself straightened-out.”

“This didn't come up in the background check before you adopted Dinky,” Sparkler said, almost to herself.

“That's because… this whole thing… didn't last very long. And… I didn't do anything when I was drunk. And it was a really long time ago.” She blushed. “And nopony caught me doing it.”

Sparkler's mouth worked soundlessly for a few moments as she assembled her thoughts.

“Well… why did you start drinking?”

Derpy turned a glance somewhere in the direction of Sweet Apple Acres. “Let's just say, I had my reasons.”