Author's Note
Originally written during season 4, this takes place before the battle with Tirek. This has little impact on the story, just that certain locations are still in their rightful place.
Strange New Worlds
Space. Beauty in simplicity, simplicity that veils the grandeur of the universe. Stars shone against the velvety backdrop. Colossal balls of barely contained explosions set in an uncaring void, or pin holes in the fabric of the universe, through which comes the light of heaven?
It doesn't matter. The point is, stars are shiny. That's how we can see the silhouette of the space ship idly moving past them.
The ship was of Terran design, the late 23rd century. Many great ships came of this era, taking humanity to new found worlds across the length and depth of the universe. For the first time, Mankind went in comfort and style the likes of which would make previous generations weep with delight, were they not preoccupied by the six feet of earth on top of them.
The ship we are watching, is not a great ship by any measure of the day. An ugly cylinder of traffic light red metal, over 3 kilometers long. Its sides were blistered by sensor modules and equipment that surely must have installed by a team of blind engineers. It was improved only slightly by the small moon that had long ago crashed into the vessel, embedding it's self into the underside.
This was not a great issue, this was after-all, a functional vessel. Made to gather materials to make the luxury vessels that no doubt closed the blinds when they sailed past, lest the sight of this lesser ship taint their own. This also was no longer an issue. The ship we see, and indeed the stars behind it are not those seen from Earth. They are those found only by someone very lost, after three million years travelling at sub light speed.
We are looking upon the mining ship Red Dwarf, of the Jupiter Mining Corporation.
Inside, a klaxon wailed throughout the corridors. It's only competition was the slapping of a compulsively well shined pair of boots hightailing it across a metal walkway. Passing through a service door, he left the grimly bare metal of the utility corridors. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust, from the dull red lights every ship maker between here to Pandora insisted on installing in the maintenance areas, back to the sterile white bulbs in the main ship.
The change threw his features in sharp relief as he continued running, his feet falling in time with the alarm. Having sharply relieved features didn't do him as many favors as it sounds.
He was mid height, thin with a standard issue short cut of dark hair. From a distance he looked stoic, a man who was ready for anything. The moment you got a closer look at him, that faded instantly. Nothing you could put a finger on. Just a weird combination of features that would be fine on their own, but together made you instinctively dislike him. You got the feeling that to trust this man would be to invite disaster over, and offer it your favorite chair.
Indeed, the only immediate good quality he seemed to possess was a large metal "H" in the center of his forehead. Not only did it help to break up a forehead easily a mile across, thus saving you the embarrassment of staring, but it also lead you to the next good thing about him.
He was dead. The "H" detonated him as a hologram. All that remained was a cassette containing a complete scan of his brain, buried somewhere deep in the ship and a small floating bead that maintained his image and fed data back into his computerized consciousness. Between this and the ability to project himself in hard light, he could continue his life exactly as he'd left it.
Much to the chagrin of the rest of the crew.
All 4 of rest of the crew.
You'd be quite right not to trust this man. Only once in his life had he been given anything approaching responsibility. Less than twelve hours later, he'd single handed wiped out the entire crew of Red Dwarf via a radiation leak, save for one man who had been sealed in a stasis booth at the time.
Over the next three million years Red Dwarf drifted further and further from earth. The on-board AI decided it couldn't risk taking over two hundred million tones of radioactive metal, rock and whatever was left in the bar back to civilization. It also couldn't release the one living being still on board from stasis until the background radiation had dropped to a safe level.
After what scientists have quantified as "A Hell Of A Long Time", it was safe again. The AI's first action was to open the stasis booth and bring its occupant up to speed. Its second was to revive the man who'd put them all there to begin with.
What a world.
As he ran down the corridor, a name-badge bounced on his eternally crisp projected uniform. "Arnold Rimmer. Second Technician."
Hope you had time to read that name-badge, it just went flying across the corridor. Oh, and Arnie's in a pile on the floor. Why he's on the floor was now looking down on him with a look of anger. A bare of paired pointy teeth leered from a dark face.
"Hey! You creased my best suit. What's so important that you'd risk the life of an innocent jacket? I'm gonna have to perform emergency fabric revival procedures!"
It was a fine suit, even more so as Cat pulled a tiny iron from his pocket and steamed his sleeve back to perfection. No ifs, ands or buts about it. The Cat looked, no, was cool. Doubly cool next to the pile o' Rimmer pulling himself upright again.
But then, this was be expected. Cat was the last of a long line of cats. During the three thousand millennium of drifting, the once pregnant cat of the man in stasis had given birth. Deep in the bowels of the ship where even the AI couldn't see, the cats had flourished, and evolved. They took the bipedal image of man, developed culture of their own and in time, wiped themselves out in an argument over religion.
The last of his kind left on Red Dwarf, the Cat had been the heir to the Church of the Golden Sausage. He would been high priest, had he not renounced the old ways in favor of a simple self dedication. He became cool. Eventually there was no cool left to be plumbed from the storage areas, so he'd gone exploring higher up and there found the other survivors.
They provided him with amusement if nothing else.
"Listen you gimboid. Do you hear that?" Rimmer asked testily, cupping a hand to his ear. Cat looked round mockingly as if just noticing the noise.
"That is the emergency alarm. It means something drastic is happening, something that needs the hand of command. And that, you wool brained pile of rectal discharge is why I was running in the first place! What are you doing charging about the corridors for?"
"I assumed that an alarm that loud meant it could only be Free Fish and Lady Cats Day!"
"No, just, no. Come on then, we might need all hands on deck." Rimmer shock his head before running off again. Cat followed, not so much running as dancing happily along, wingtips gliding across the floor.
Rounding a corner, the pair entered the drive room. Within the AI was in conversation with a square headed mechanoid. The last living human on-board was bent over a control panel, only his dreadlocks visible. At the sound of footsteps he looked up, revealing a pleasant looking white face and a shirt that was more stains than material.
Dave Lister was an unusual choice for last human alive, but he filled the role with a certain je ne sais quoi. Ring leader of the Red Dwarf Curry Club, lowest ranking member of the ship and former occupant of a train-station locker. It was pure luck that had put him into the stasis booth less than twenty four hours before Rimmer wiped out the crew. The same luck that also gave birth to the cat people.
"Ah Lister, should have know this had something to do with you. What happened this time?"
"Nothing Rimmer."
"So you haven't knocked a can of Wicked Strength Lager into the navicom?"
"No."
Rimmer snapped his fingers and lent in closer to Dave, recoiling slightly as the smell caught in the back of his throat.
"You spent seventeen hours in the virtual reality suite trying to chat up that busty barmaid in Trials of the Living Tombstone and drained all the ship's power again haven't you?"
"No Rimmer!"
"Then what is going on?"
"The sensors have detected a localized section of multi-versal friction, creating a unstable window of space-time transference." Holly, the ship's AI answered, looking down at them from one of his monitors scattered across the room. Just a head, with thinning hair and, as Holly himself put it, "The face of the most prolific lover who ever lived".
"It's ok guys, I'll take this one." Cat said smoothly. "Ahem. What is going on?"
"What Holly means sirs is that the fabric of the universe has worn thin, allowing us to potentially pass through into another universe altogether."
Kryton spoke up. They'd met the mechanoid stranded on an asteroid a few years previous. He'd rebelled against an overly bossy Rimmer, left the ship and promptly crashed his space-bike into another asteroid. Lister had rebuilt him in his spare time, none too well, but Kryton functioned once more. Even if he did have a head that featured more right angles than a Aztec spiral. He aided the crew in their more mundane tasks and acted as the voice of reason on their adventures across the cosmos.
"How's that possible Kryton?"
"Well sirs, you remember the mystery of how Mr.Rimmer's chair got through so many seat covers? Then we released that it due to his habit of clenching when he experienced fear?"
The other nodded back at him.
"Well putting aside the fact that years of cowardice have left Mr.Rimmer with a backside that could crush a ripe coconut, what happened to his seat is much what's happening to the fabric of space-time. Another universe has drifted too close to ours and started rubbing against its outer wall. A hole has grown on both sides, so we can, until they drift too apart again, cross back and forth as we wish."
"So what's through there Hol?" Lister asked, interest etched on his face.
"I've launched a couple of probes, they should be back soon Dave."
"I say we juice the engines and get out of here sharpish." Arnold said flatly.
"What's wrong now Rimmer? There's a whole other universe out there, we could find anything."
"Exactly, and knowing our luck the thing from the black lagoon will come through that hole any moment and find us. This time round I plan to die old, well fed and in bed, not getting my face sucked off by some hideous monster."
"Probes are back, I'm processing the data now."
"Well, whats the good word Hol?"
"Well there's not much to work with, the probe's datacore experienced corruption crossing the void. From what's left, I'd say there's a planet and moon on the other side of the hole. Similar to Earth, tolerable atmosphere and gravity. Hang on, something here about local life forms."
"Told you, here comes the star beast."
"Nothing definitive, but nothing that suggests danger. Some kind of carbon based life. Seems whatever's down there is mainly scattered in small settlements on the main continent. Very comparable to an early Earth. Oh, and there's something here about the gender ratio being at least ten females to every male. Do you want me to try and clean up the corrupted segments, see if there's anymore?"
Three eyebrows raised in union. Cat, Rimmer and Lister all looked at each other.
"See you in Starbug in an hour?"
"Fantastic idea Listy. Couldn't have said it better myself."
With a "Yah'oh!" of joy from Cat they left the drive room, Kryton following bemused behind them.
"I'll take that as a no then shall I?" Holly asked the empty room, rolling his eyes.
One hour later, all four of them were settling themselves into the cockpit of Starbug 1. The small light green craft had seen them down to many worlds and had the scarred paintwork to prove it.
"I still don't see why we have to go now, I didn't even have time to moisturize my elbows!"
"We told you Cat. The universes could separate again, if they get too far apart then the holes will heal and we'll never get home. It's touch and go as it is, so we don't have time for your elbows today."
"Well, if I get cracked skin, I'll be replacing it with yours monkey boy!"
"Whatever, you look fine Cat."
The biological crew members had freshened up and dressed for the occasion. Cat donned a plum velvet suit, with hand stitched gold embroidery, matching tie and silver fish cuff-links. In a flash Rimmer switched into his dress uniform. Pure white Space Core finest, the edges ironed so sharply they could slice a loaf of concrete. Four medals hung over his left breast, all of them for degrees of long service. Lister on the other hand, looked much the same. He'd had a shower and changed into a shirt that only featured two stains under his dog eared leather jacket.
"Holly I've been thinking, if the probes electronics were harmed going through, what'll happen to you, me and Kryton?" Rimmer asked, idly drumming his console.
"When we get too close, Kryton and I will shut down. Your hardlight projection will protect the light bead inside from interference. Starbug will continue on through, we'll power up again after a safe distance." The AI had transferred himself into the recon ship, set in a monitor at the back of the cockpit.
"And what happens if something goes horribly wrong while you're offline?"
"We'll be out of it for less than five minutes and you're a big boy Arnold. I'm sure you can cope."
"Beginning launch procedures. Prepping hull doors, and engaging thrusters sirs."
With a groan from the engine, the light ship jumped up ten foot and accelerated towards the widening square of black and decompressing atmosphere at the end of the launch way. As always it looked like a smooth exit, and as always, they scrapped the edge of Starbug on the hatch. A shower of sparks followed them out into the expansive maw of space.
After a couple minutes flight, the gap in the universe came into view. A ragged hole lined in gold as sunlight shone through from the other side. Space was wounded and it showed.
Before them the hole grew larger and larger. With a soft whirring noise Kryton went limp, Holly's image fading to black as the lights dimmed. "Well this is it. Hold onto your dainties gents." Dave muttered, pushing Starbug harder.
Passing over the yellow line they felt a shudder of turbulence, then unnatural smoothness. Something about this place just felt wrong, made Lister's stomach churn. Glancing round he saw Cat and Rimmer looked similarly afflicted. Thankfully up ahead was another imperfect golden ring. Through it, he could see a planet that certainly looked a lot like Earth. White clouds moved across a blue sky over dark green landmass.
Another shudder and they passed quite peacefully into another universe.
"Alright, bringing her in on the co-ordinates Holly suggested. Engaging the cloaking device, Cat be ready on the landing gear and Rimmer disengage the rear clamps on my mark."
Rimmer ran a hand and an eye over his control panel.
"What clamps?" He asked before scowling as Cat and Lister laughed.
"Oh that razor wit. I'd laugh but I fear my ribs would crack." He deadpanned.
"Be cool goalpost head." Cat retorted. "How close are we anyways?"
"We're coming into the upper atmosphere now." Working the sticks, Starbugs nose dipped as they descended sharply. Pulling them back, they leveled out and slowed.
"Circling over the landing area. Just outside some kind of village by the looks of it. Five thousand feet and dropping. Nice and smo..."
Without warning, all pandemonium broke loose. Every window and panel in the cockpit went black, Starbug rolled upside and accelerated towards the ground. A lot of untranscribable screaming of the hysterical and judgmental kind went on. Whatever might have been said, and all the colorful insults that went with it were ceased as one of the side hatch doors failed and swung open. Sudden pressure difference sucked all four passengers clean out.
Starbug 1 went down into a grim looking forest on the edge of the village it'd flown over, leaving a thin scar of destruction, but remaining cloaked. Several locals looked up at the sound, but figured it nothing out the ordinary. It took a lot to really startle the inhabitants of Ponyville.
"Titan's moons!" Dave swore as he went tumbling end over end. Blurs of clean blue sky mixed with the straw yellow of rooftops. A patch of grey appeared in the center of this hellish kaleidoscope and grew steadily larger. This was it, he was going to pass out, hit the ground and wham! Brown bread.
Sure enough grey filled his vision completely before he felt the impact. As everything went black, he had time enough to think that it wasn't as hard a landing as predicted before succumbing to death.
Slowly Lister's thoughts returned.
That was it? No chance to tangle with Mr. G.Reaper? What a rip! Well bring on the afterlife then, Lister is ready to party! Maybe I'll get to see Peterson again here. Maybe not given how he lived. Where am I anyway? Can't feel the dreaded inferno, no smell of sulfur either. Only, only...muffins?
With that realization the rest of his senses snapped swiftly back into place. Not on hard ground, something warm, furry even. The sounds of a public place wafted from somewhere nearby. Groaning, he opened his eyes. What Lister saw nearly made him pass out again.
He was laying on top of a horse. A horse with grey fur and smegging wings! Pulling himself upright, it turned to look at him with a pair of pretty, albeit crossed eyes. Taking a deep breath, he mentally corrected himself. Not a horse, a pony. A little pony. At full height, it couldn't have been much over three feet tall.
"Morning. You ok?" It asked him in a cute feminine voice.
Lister sagged, his knees giving out. This was too much. He could handle the idea of a winged pony. The thought that colliding with it had saved him from death, a little shady, but plausible. But, and this was the big "but", it was talking. The pony was asking him a question, in English no less.
He wanted to answer, but somewhere between his brain and vocal chords a few vital signals were being disrupted. A string of babbling drivel was all he could manage for the moment.
"Oh dear, you did come in pretty hard. Here sit down." She wrapped a feathered wing round his shoulders and gently lowered him into a sitting position. He felt a hoof press against his chin, shutting his mouth.
"You really shouldn't be trying to fly without wings. You could get hurt" She told him seriously, he managed a nod in return. Glancing around, she trotted over to a mailbag and slung it over her back.
"I've got to get back to my route or Lightning Sorter will yell at me again. I'll be free again by five, meet me at Sugarcube Corner if you want." Smiling happily, she took back to the sky with a flap of her wings and flew away.
Lister sat dumbly for a moment, trying to piece everything together. He looked down at his watch, the face was blank. Taking it off, he slammed it against the ground a few times and put it back on. Success! The time blinked at him, along with a single bar of signal.
"Holly?" He asked tentatively.
The display crackled with static.
"HOLLY!"
White noise clearing up, the AI's face homed in.
"Alright Dave. What's happening dude?"
"Oh not much Hol. Just gone for a brief free fall, landed on a talking pony. The usual."
"Talking pony?" His brow wrinkled. "That slang for something?"
"Never mind that for now. What the smeg happened? And where are the others, did they make it?"
"According to the black box Starbug's control circuits suffered a series of minor malfunctions due to the effects of passing over, resulting in your ejection. Not to worry, I think I've got a handle on it now. The bug should have repaired itself in a few hours.
No sign of the Cat or Rimmer. Kryton's tracking signal's coming in close by to where we came down."
"Poor Cat. Where are you anyways Hol?"
"No idea, all I can see is trees and vines. More green life here than in one of your coffee mugs. Hang on, I'll send you a homing beacon."
Face fading, a radar appeared on Lister's watch. A tiny "SB" on the outer rings showed where their ship was, a "K" blinked next to it. Turning on the spot till the symbols were at twelve o'clock, Lister looked for the first time at the village he'd flown in over. With a shrug, he started to make his way towards the nearest thatched house.
Had Dave glanced back at the watch, he'd have seen an "R" fade in much closer to his position.
Rimmer watched the ground rapidly approaching with a strangely detached calm in spite of his reputation as a spineless gimp. He'd assessed the situation and was fully aware of the facts. As a hard light hologram, he was all but indestructible. Had he wished, he could have bailed out of a shuttle, landed on a bicycle with no seat and strolled away whistling show tunes.
He didn't though, for the same reason that death hadn't cured him of being a coward. Being made of hardlight didn't stop him feeling the same pain as a living body. If anything he'd suffer more by not having the luxury of a body that could fail when torn to pieces.
Weighing everything up, he came to the best decision available. Reaching inside his own body, Rimmer tapped the light bead. His image faded swiftly to black and white contrast, before it vanished completely as he turned off his projection. Where a man had been plummeting with limbs waving in the breeze there was now only a small diamond of hard grey plasitec.
Inside his light bead, Rimmer's mind smiled. He could see and hear everything he normally could, but it was displayed on floating screens around him, rather than fed directly to him. In this mode he could watch the impact and wait to see if he came to rest somewhere safe all from the safety of his mind palace. He wouldn't feel a thing.
Stretching idly, Rimmer took a seat as the ground grew nearer, a large tree coming into view. Looking at the multitude of images, he mused over what looked like a balcony he was drifting close too.
Perfect. I'll just go in through the bay window and see if the lady of the house is home. Maybe I'll ask her if she'd like a Wormdo and see where things go from there...
Delving into his sordid imagination, Arnold failed to take notice of his angle of descent. Rather than hitting the wood and rolling to a stop, the light bead rebounded like a ping pong ball straight through the window. He didn't stop there.
Even disconnected from the world as he was, Rimmer was thrown from his chair as his bead pin-balled around the inside of the tree. Crazy blurred flashes of some manner of bedroom, then bookshelves and even a brief glimpse of a purple monster surged around him.
He was spared any further assault on his senses as a crack like a cannon report echoed round his little world. Everything pixelated for the briefest second before Rimmer's conscious off lined completely.
Inside Golden Oak Library, one of it's custodians had been quietly restocking the shelves. Tuesdays was always a slow day, and today his sister was buried in the basement lab working on Luna knows what. It was an ideal opportunity to get his work done for once, and just maybe get to sleep in late tomorrow.
Spike sung tunelessly, balancing a massive teetering stack of books on one claw, moving them into place with the other.
"A doubie'd doo. Who loves Rarity? De douby doo. This guy! Da dundy doo. Yes I do! Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen." Elvis Presniegh would have turned in his grave.
"And for my next number, yikes!" The dragon had looked up at the sound of shattering glass, ducking for cover a second later as something small and fast missed him by a mustache hair. Amply shielded by the Big Book of Equestrian Tax Laws, he watched as it careened round the room, before bouncing down the basement stairs.
Cautiously, Spike waited to see if it was coming back at speed before removing himself from the heap of books and peeking down the stairwell. Something was rolling around at the bottom. Gingerly he stepped down, stopping just short of a wooden door with a piece of parchment pinned to it.
"Do not disturb, on pain of lecturing! Princess T.Sparkle Esquire."
From the lack of angry shouting, she hadn't noticed anything amiss yet. Kneeling down, Spike poked at the weird grey thing. A few sparks spat out and pattered harmlessly off his scales. Scooping it up, he held it up to the light and examined it from different angles.
"What are you?" He muttered. It could have been a foals toy, but it looked too plain. Not fun enough. It was still giving off sparks at odd intervals. Weighing up his options, he decided to take a gamble. Better to get yelled at now than get told off later if it turned out to be important.
He knocked four times.
The sounds of a chair being pushed back and hoofsteps came from the other side. A lock clicked open as the door swung forward, letting out a thick smell of chemicals. His sister glared at him from behind a pair of thick goggles, a heavy white coat covering her wings and regal purple fur.
"I know you can read Spike, I taught you myself!"
"I know, but this thing just...."
"What does it say?" She jabbed a hoof at the parchment.
"Do not disturb."
"And what are you doing?"
"Disturbing you, but I have a good reason. Look!"
He forced the thing at her. Twilight cast her eye over it, a purple light appearing round her horn as she lifted it telekinetically. Turning it round a few times, she watched with interest as a single spark flew at her.
"Where did you find this?"
"I didn't. It broke in through the upstairs window and fell down here."
"Fascinating. Good job Spike." Rummaging through her pockets, she flicked a five bit piece at her adopted sibling. "Nail some wood over the broken window then take the afternoon off. You can get to the comic shop if you hurry."
Spike waiting till the last moment before snapping the coin out the air. "Can do, might even swing by Rarity's boutique along the way."
His words were wasted. Twilight had already shut the door and was hurrying to find some clear space. She'd been at work since sunrise today and almost every surface was cluttered with bubbling flasks, hastily scribbled notes or machines festooned with esoteric lights and dials most ponies would never understand.
Taking a seat, she swept some papers on potion brewing aside and carefully lowered the grey diamond. After taking a quick sketch and putting some initial thoughts on paper, she built a focus of magic and carefully probed the object. Despite appearances, it was actually two smaller hollow pyramids bound together, not one complete shape.
Levitating it, Twilight applied a light pressure to each side of the divide and twisted slowly. It split neatly in half, revealing the electronic packed innards. Twilight gasped at what she was seeing.
She'd seen something like this at the R&D department at Canterlot University. Her lab's equipment was bulky and ran on valves. The real eggheads had starting toying with transistors, whatever they were, promising smaller, more efficient products. But even with her limited knowledge of the subject Twilight knew this was leagues ahead of even their prototypes.
"I don't even know where to begin with this." She spoke aloud without meaning to.
Peering at it, she did notice one thing. A length of wire was waving loose, brushing over a terminal. That's what was making it spark. Unsure if it was the right thing to do, but knowing that a sparking machine wasn't a healthy one, Twilight gently pressed the wire back into the slot it was touching.
It stopped sparking, but nothing else happened. Hoping she hadn't damaged it further, Twilight screwed the two halves back together again and set it down. Grabbing a quill, she began to pen a letter, perhaps the university would have more luck with it.
"Where the smeg am I?" A tinny voice made her jump.
The thing was hovering a few inches off the tabletop. As she watched with interest, it floated higher, moving into an open space.
The outline of some strange creature appeared. As it solidified Twilight couldn't look away from the sight before her. It was like one of the ape creatures of the Southern lands in that it stood on two legs and had hands, but the similarities ended there.
Of all the ponies in Equestria, she was one of only four who truly knew what this thing was. A human. Or at least, some approximation of one. He wasn't quite the same as the ones she'd meet in the other world though.
Whoever this was, he wore a smart uniform made of white cloth. The array of medals suggested to Twilight that this was military man, of quite some caliber. The frozen image took on life as it looked around the small room, his gaze sweeping right over her head.
Rimmer rubbed his temples lightly. That landing had not been fun. To make matters worse, he had no idea how long he'd been offline, or where he now was. Looking round he noted the wooden walls and large roots. Was this under the tree he'd fallen towards?
Where had the strange diamond gone? Twilight wondered. This man wasn't doing anything other than staring blankly around. Had he been sealed inside by some means? Was this some way the humans had created to send messages? Feeling out with her magic, Twilight soon found the missing bead. It was moving around, inside the mysterious figure. How strange. Slowly, she lifted a hoof and prodded the apparition. To her surprise it was completely solid, firm resistance pushing back against her.
Looking down Rimmer's eyes bulged at what they saw. He quickly ran the auto-diagnostic program embedded into him, try to focus on calming thoughts. Nanoseconds later the result came in. His lightbead was undamaged, nor was his code showing any abnormalities that he hadn't already shown in life. He really was looking a purple pony with a horn, wings and a lab coat.
"Hello." She said awkwardly, pulling her hoof back.
"Hi." Rimmer forced out, brain still trying lamely to catch up.
"Welcome to Equestria, what message do you bring from the human world?" Twilight asked politely.
"Message?"
"You came through the mirror didn't you? It must be very important to send an decorated soldier like yourself into our world. Do you need our aid in some fashion," Her eyes widened. "Or is this a declaration of war against Equestria?"
Rimmer inwardly beamed at her comment, drawing himself up a little straighter. Clearly he was speaking with an individual of some intellect and class to have defined him like that. He looked down at her with what he hoped was a warming smile.
"There's been some kind of mistake, I'm not here because of war, or mirrors. My crew and I found a gap between universes and came here to investigate."
"Universi," Twilight corrected him without meaning to. A look of annoyance flashed over the human, at least it replaced the creepy smile. "Wait, you're saying there's a actual hole in the fabric of reality, and you just crossed over like that?" She knocked a hoof against the tabletop to emphasize her point. "Where is this gap?"
"Just a short way out from your planet. It didn't take us more than five minutes in Starbug. You could probably see it from a low orbit."
Twilight's eyes grew till the whites were paper thin. Rimmer could actually see little shiny bits glittering at him from the black of her iris.
"You mean," She asked a little breathlessly. "You have a vessel that can travel in space! And you used it to cross between realities! OhmygoshOhmygosh!" Twilight was prancing on the spot with excitement now.
Watching warily, Rimmer noted the purple glow that surrounded her horn as a long ream of blank parchment, quills and a bottle of ink flew across the cramped room.
"You have to tell me everything! Lets start with who, and what are you?"
Something about the way she spoke said that he would do well to comply.
"I am Arnold Rimmer, highest ranked member of the starship Red Dwarf and commander of all aboard her. Although I died valiantly in tragic and unforeseeable circumstances, the ship's AI saw fit to resurrect me as a hologram for the good of those left."
All technically true, although taking quite a few liberties with that truth.
"Incredible," Twilight's quill was a blur. "Go on."
Cat screamed.
His landing had been fairly smooth and falling out of Starbug gave his hair an interesting windswept effect. After being forced into the air, he'd arced his body forwards and aimed towards a spire like building.
A smaller, cloth replica stood out front. Instinctively curling up into a ball the Cat fell into it. A soft thump and the tent collapsed. Rolling out of the constricting fabric, Cat straightened up, blissfully unaware of how narrowly he'd cheated death.
"Aoh! Gravity takes on the Cat and Cat wins 1-nil! The crowd goes wild!"
"Mmpphhhmm!"
He turned, something was wriggling under the shapeless mass of velvet. Reaching into his jacket pocket, Cat pulled out a tiny aerosol can, spritzed some into his mouth and discretely pocketed it again. A horn, then a shock of light purple and pink hair forced its way out.
With difficulty the white furred unicorn extracted herself completely, gasping for breath. If Cat was bothered by this strange sight, he didn't show it. Instead he waited patiently and offered a hand to her. Taking it, she straightened up.
"Phew. I thought I'd never crawl out of there. Was that my special talent? CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS SPELUNKERS!"
Cat flinched as she screeched the last few words at an ear splitting volume. Spinning round a few times she tried to catch a view of her flanks, sitting down in the dirt as she saw it was sadly still blank.
"Cutie what?"
She looked at him properly for the first time. "Whow! I've never seen anything like you before! Are you a dangerous creature from beyond the Everfree Forest?"
"Everfree where? What are you talking about kid, I'm the Cat. The best dressed feline ever to stalk the stars."
"Hi Cat, I'm Sweetie Belle. You're not from around here are you?"
"You catch on quick. Hey," He knelt down and lent in conspiratorially. "I heard there's some lonely ladies round here, you know where I can find one?" He whispered with a wink.
Sweetie Belle gave him a confused look. "Well my sister's a lady. I don't know if she's lonely though, she's got me, mum, dad and lots of friends." She said with a happy smile.
"Well when she meets me, she won't be needing anymore friends." From anyone else it would have sounded unbelievably arrogant, but Cat just oozed charm and confidence. "Where is she?"
"In the shop, but she's working now. I'd wait for her if I were you." Now was her turn to lean in. "She gets cranky if you disturb her inspiration time. That's why she sends me out here."
"Thanks for the heads up Sweetie. Guess I can use the extra preening time."
"Don't suppose you could help me put this tent back up? Rarity will go loco if she thinks the dresses touched the ground."
Cat shrugged, feeling out a pole in the fabric and pulling up. Sweetie Belle stared at the mess, a light building round her horn. As the skeleton reestablished itself, the tent took shape again. It was then he screamed like the world was coming to an end.
Inside Carousel Boutique, Rarity was in "Hogs Heavin", to borrow a popular phrase from her friend Applejack. Not that she'd even want to be within a hundred miles of such a scenario. All that filth? No thank you.
Today had just been the bee's knees for the fashionista. Just getting through breakfast without her darling sister turning the kitchen into a flame pit was fantastic, but then she'd caught a glimpse of a daring new pattern in her cereal. Bran flakes weren't normally a source of inspiration, although they do favor thinking time over flavor, but the way the milk had swirled round the twiggy bits had sent Rarity's mind reeling.
With Sweetie Belle watching the sales tent, she could get experience of the family business, be somewhere safe and completely out of Rarities mane until at least lunchtime. She'd spent the last few hours hunched over a desk, nose a millimeter from the silver blur of the needle.
It was a testament to how many years experience Rarity had dealing with unexpected shrieks that she didn't flinch as a soul rending scream came from just outside her shop door. With a sigh she shut off the sewing machine, it'd been good whilst it lasted.
"Now what is the matter Sweetie Belle?" Stepping out the shop, her keen eye took in the action out front. She saw the ruined tent, Sweetie Belle on the ground by a strange figure clutching his arm.
"Get away from her you bit..." She started to shout, charging between him and her sister. A shimmering blue light started to surround her horn.
"My arm, oh God. It's split all the way to the shoulder!" Cat wailed.
Rarity raised an eyebrow at the mysterious figure. He looked how Twilight had described humans after her trip to the other world, but more handsome than she'd made them sound. Certainly this one knew how to dress. Rarity nodded approvingly as she took in his ensomable, noting how his jacket was falling apart on one sleeve. Sweetie Belle walked up next to her.
"Hey sis, hows the work coming?"
"Just fine Sweetie Belle, but who is this?"
"That's Cat. He just fell out of the sky."
"Out of the sky?"
"I think I ripped the shirt too! Just shoot me now, I don't wanna suffer anymore!" A definite tear was beginning to form in his eye now.
"Oh you poor darling." Rarity said soothingly, putting a hoof on his arm. "Cat was it?"
He nodded, with the look of a someone three paces from the gallows.
"Why don't you come with me and we'll get you all fixed up." Tugging gently, she got the Cat to follow her into the boutique. As the door swung shut, Rarity gave the tent a quick zap of magic. It popped back up just as it should have been. Sweetie Belle sighed this time, trotting behind the counter. She did like helping her sister, but this was dull as could be. The Cat was the only person who'd visited all day, and he hadn't even bought anything! Reaching down, she picked up her book again.
"Cutie Mark Crusader Sudoku Solvers?" She mumbled, absent mindely chewing on her pencil.
Dave walked slowly on, taking in the scenery. Holly was right, it was a lot like Earth. Although they got out of the Crimson Short One whenever they could to explore new planets they'd wondered across, it felt like forever since he'd last left those corridors. It was a refreshing change to feel a breeze on his face, real warmth too.
Should have brought a couple of brews with me. He thought to himself as pleasant tune hit his ears, someone nearby was singing. Well we're here till the bug's ready to roll again. Might as well meet the locals.
Letting his feet carry him towards one of the house, Lister looked down across a plain wooden fence. Another of these strange ponies was tending her garden, orange mane down in the dirt as she patted down the clods.
Leaning over the fence, he called to her. "Morning. You know where I can get a drink round here?"
She stood up and stretched out her forehoofs. "You must be new here." She said without looking. Fiddling with her hat, the mare turned round. "Sweet Apple Acre's always does a nice drop of...."
She stared at him from under the wide brim of her hat, jaw twitching a little.
Lister smiled nervously back at her. This wasn't how it'd gone with the last one. He wondered what he could say to set her at ease, when she took on a look of pure panic. Pupils shrunk to the size of buttons as her jaw hit the ground.
"Arghh!" She hollered before leaping the fence, into the house and slamming the door shut. Lister heard various locks sliding home. The curtains moved an inch, emerald eyes staring out in horror before vanishing again.
With a shrug Lister started back down the street. There had been a few other ponies milling around, but at Carrot Top's shriek they had all turned to see what the fuss was about. Now they too were running for their homes. One light green unicorn had come closer before being dragged inside by a cream colored mare.
"Something I said?" He asked the empty street, shoving his hands into his pockets as he walked. A couple of deserted alleyways and junctions later Lister glanced around as springy noise seemed to appear all around him.
There. A pink pony with a bubbly mane was jumping down the road, somehow making a "boing" with each bound. Her eyes were closed, mouth turned up in a smile, humming a little tune to herself as she went. Lister quietly stepped back into the shadows, he didn't want to spook another one.
His eyes went wide again. Mid bounce, the pony had stopped and hovered there. She took an exploratory sniff, rotated to face him and resumed bouncing. She got within a few feet of Lister, then closer. Her eyes snapped open, two blue orbs gleaming at him.
"Hiya!" She sounded as energetic as her movements. "Welcome to Ponyville, I'm Pinkie Pie! You been here long? Seen the town hall yet? Lemon drizzle cake?"
Lister searched desperately for an opening, numbly taking the slice of confectionery Pinkie had pulled seemingly from thin air. He took a bite, sighing slightly. It was good cake.
"Well come on silly, I can't give you a welcome party if you don't chose some flavors!"
Evidently he'd missed something in her machine gun spurts of speech. Not that she seemed to notice, grabbing his arm in her hoof and tugging him towards a garish building painted to look like a gingerbread house.
"You don't say much, whatever you are. What's your name?"
"Call me Lister Pinkie."
"Good to meet you Lister, I think I feel a friendship coming on. Already getting on like a house on fire, check." She pulled out a large green tick made of felt. Dave tried to figure out where it came from, giving up as his head hurt. Sometimes it was better just to roll with these things, and this was one of those times. Instead he looked round the sweet shop he was now being seated in.
"I hope you're hungry! Sugarcube Corner has the best treats in Equestria! I should know, I help make them."
"Sounds good, your postman recommended this place."
"Postman?" She frowned at him before breaking out in beams. "You mean mailmare. You already know Derpy. Look at you Lister, only just arrived and you have two friends in the bag. I'm so proud!"
Placing a tray of assorted nibblys in front of Lister, Pinkie ran back for two glasses of milk and sat down next to him. Reaching out, he took a muffin with little red flecks embedded in it.
"No no Lister! You don't want that..."
Too late, he'd already taken a large bite. Chewing, Lister made a noise of contentment as Pinkie stared at him.
"These muffins are better than life. Moist, yet spicy. It's like a sweet vindaloo."
"Really? No pony has ever been able to eat my Hot Side Surprise Muffins without spitting fire before. Those little nagapon chilies really are tasty aren't they?"
"Bet you make a killer curry with these Pinkie."
"Why would I want to kill anypony silly billy, that wouldn't be nice." She frowned. "Curry? What's that? Some kind of potion?"
Lister started. "Kitchen. Now. We've got work to do."
"Fun fun fun!"
"Kryton, I want you to remain calm."
The soothing voice sounded inside the mechanoid's head. He was aware of himself, but nothing beyond that. All redundant systems were offline and he couldn't boot them up again.
"This is your CPU talking, you've been in accident. All efforts are being made to restore your hardware to full capacity. In the mean time please relax."
Kryton let his mind wander, as much as it could when he had no data input. After an unknown time, he felt his optics booting up again.
A blurry yellow and pink something was staring down at him. Its mouth opened and closed a few times, but he couldn't hear anything yet. He decided to shut down and wait for the rest of his systems to fix themselves.
He tried again. The blurry scene cleaned up. A yellow pegasus was walking next to him, shooting glances from behind a light pink mane between him and...Kryton felt the rather human need to gulp as he saw, what was without a doubt the strangest creature he'd ever seen, dragging his limp form across a forest floor. It was like several animals had fallen into a combination hacksaw and glue-gun machine.
"I still don't see why I have to carry it." The thing grumbled in a deep, regal voice.
"Because this creature clearly needs our help. Just look at his head! Poor thing must be in agony after an accident to cause something like that." She spoke softly, but firmly. "I need to get him back home and heal him up, and as my friend I thought you could help me Discord."
He rolled his eyes. "And do "friends" always get lumbered with the heavy lifting?"
"Ah, is it too much for the big, strong Lord of Chaos to handle?"
"I think I prefer Baron of the Bizarre today. Next time though I'm just bringing the house to the patient."
Bump. Kryton's lolling head cracked off a rock embedded in the ground. A few unsavory binary phrases ran through his processor as the world went black again.
"I think it's coming off."
"Now Discord, are you sure you know what you're doing?"
"Oh I have a vague idea. Ah there we go, not much of a looker in the inside either. Fluttershy? Not again."
The world clicked back in view again. From flat on his back, Kryton looked up at the roof of a quaint little cottage. A warning flashed in the corner of his eye. His face plate was missing.
Sitting up, he saw the strange creature, this Discord, floating in midair. It's tail was waving a vial of crystals under the pegasus's nose. He was looking with interest at Kryton's face, hovering it over a clawed hand. Under his gaze, it split into numerous pieces. Poking at it idly, Discord made it reassemble itself in variety of different ways.
"So, you're awake. Whatever you are." Discord cast a yellow eye over the mechanoid. "Put this back on before she comes round. Fluttershy is such a delicate thing, and that sight is making even me feel queasy."
His face clicked back into its original form and hovered back to Kryton. Snapping it back into place, he stood up. Fluttershy stirred on the ground, coming back with a groan. Discord helped her to a chair.
"Oh my. I've never seen an animal do that before."
"Yes I must admit a curiosity myself. I've traveled many realms and the warp between, yet I've not seen anything like you."
"That's not surprising, since I'm not of your universe. I am Kryton, a series four thousand mechanoid from the ship Red Dwarf."
"If you're not of Equestria, then how did you get here? It take incredible magic to walk from one world to another, and you have no such power." He scoffed.
"Discord, be nice to our guest. Go on Kryton, what happened to you?"
"We found a hole in the universe and traveled across in our ship. Something went wrong and we all fell out around this place."
"A hole in the universe?" Discord's eyes glimmered with mischief, as a cheeky grin spread across his face. "Sound like more my scene." With a snap of his fingers, the goat legged fiend vanished into thin air, leaving the mare and the mech in an uncomfortable silence.
"So what does a mechanoid do? If that's not too personal that is..." Flutters asked quietly.
"We are made to serve, although over the last few years Lister has helped me bust out of that mould. Why, without his training I would be unable to lie, feel or even call Mr.Rimmer a smeghead. I do hope that they are ok."
"Made?" She looked at him quizzically.
"Yes, I am an artificial life form. Made on Earth."
"Artificial..." Fluttershy chewed this over, trying to wrap her head round such a concept. Maybe Twilight could explain it better. "Wait, did you say you had friends with you?"
"Yes, Mr.Rimmer, Lister and the Cat. The Starbug should be somewhere round here as well."
"I'd love to help you find them, but I have to take care of my other animals first." Right on cue Angel Bunny came in the door. He jumped back when he saw Kryton, before tugging on Fluttershy's mane and miming food.
"Such a lively beast. Reminds me of one of Mr.Lister's socks we once found in supply pipe twenty-seven." Kryton laughed in his own jovial way. Fluttershy just gave him another strange look. "Would it be of use to you if I were to assist with your care of these furry companions this afternoon?"
"Oh my yes. If you could feed the chickens and collect their eggs that would be a great help."
"Consider it done 'mam." Taking the bucket of feed from her, Kryton walked out the backdoor. He took a moment to take in where he was.
The forest ahead looked dark and foreboding, the chickens in their coop seeming not to notice. It wasn't that that caught his optics. For the first time in his long existence, Kryton was stood in a garden. Rich green grass rustled under his flat foot, neatly arranged flowers growing up the side of Fluttershy's house.
"I've always wanted to be in a garden." He said to himself, before remembering why he was out there and making towards the coop.
"So what you're telling me," Twilight said with a sigh. "Is that you've broken the speed of light, traveled freely in time, created a race of people from your dandruff, explored a moon terraformed around your psyche, a whole world turned into a museum....and you have no idea how any of it worked?"
"Well not all of it, but you don't get to wield the command I possess without knowing the important stuff." Rimmer bluffed.
"A command you got by wiping out the entire former crew!"
"I told you, that wasn't my fault. If it weren't for Lister being most inconsiderate,"
"You blame this Lister a lot in your stories, but I refuse to believe that one man could be as dimwitted, annoying and ugly as you've made him out to be."
"Spoken truly like someone whos never meet him before."
"Sounds more to me like you're just covering for your own incompetence. It sounds amazing that you even got into the space corp in the first place!" Twilight snapped at Rimmer.
The librarian didn't normally act out, but two hours of hearing that the things she'd only seen in her wildest dreams could happen and then getting no information on how to do it was testing her patience to the limits. It was like getting to read the first page of a book before it was snatched away and burnt!
"And what would you know of the Space Core? I fought my way past the millstones of a loony family, poorly made entrance exams and smeg heads of "superiors" to get where I am today. And I'll be damned if I'll let some winged gluepot talk down to me after all that!" He spat back, little flecks of light covering the surrounding area.
That showed her. Rimmer thought to himself as Twilight recoiled. A strange look crossed her features as she soaked all that in.
"Winged gluepot?" Twilight muttered, feeling more than a little hurt. "Do you have any idea who you are talking to Arnold Judas Rimmer?" She started quiet, rising into a full on screech by the end.
Who does she think she is breaking out the middle name like that?
"Whom?" He said pointedly, smirking as if to say "And why should I care?"
"Twilight Sparkle. Former ward of both Cadence and Celestia, she who saved Luna from the Nightmare. The only mare in Equestria to recognize the impostor Chrysalis, and helped to reclaim the crystal empire."
Seeing either lack of acknowledgement, or just sheer not caring on Rimmer's face, she plowed on.
"I've learnt the magic of friendship, tamed a dragon, mastered spells the masses wouldn't even attempt. Mountains climbed, streams sailed and the Everfree Forest braved. The first mare in a thousand years to ascend to an Alicorn.
I am Princess Twilight, and guest or not, you will give the proper respect!"
"Oh, so you're a princess are you?" Rimmer said incredulously as Twilight took in a deep breath. "Well where are my manners, I'm sure that means a great deal to all the backwater peons you rule over." Bending a knee, he performed a mock curtsy.
Twilight's eye twitched involuntary, a strand of her mane frizzing up. No pony had ever spoken to her that brazenly before, the nerve! She took a moment to weigh up all that had happened today before coming to an interesting conclusion.
Taking a deep breath in, she raised a hoof to her chest before letting it out and stretching. Twilight smiled neatly at the hologram. Lighting her horn, Rimmer lifted a few inches of the ground.
"What are you doing?" He asked cautiously, his limbs tingling where the magic held him aloft.
Without answering, Twilight flicked her head towards the back of the lab. Rimmer flew across the room, coming to an abrupt halt before a large iron ring. Straining against the magic holding him was difficult enough, he could just about get some wiggle room. That was snatched from him as four restraints rotated round the ring to bind his hands and feet.
Arnold became acutely aware of sweat forming on the back of his neck. So long as he had a hand free, it was possible to shut down his light bead. As he was now, no such luxury.
"It just occurred to me, you don't technically exist here." Twilight said causally, idling round picking up scientific odds and ends. "No record of you coming here, no diplomatic protocols in place for holograms, or immunities."
She turned to face him, holding up a trio of the gnarliest looking instruments Rimmer had had the displeasure of seeing.
"If you can't provide me with information of interstellar travel, I'll just have to settle learning more about this hard light form you're made off."
Twilight advanced, Rimmer's eyes shrank to pin pricks.
"And don't worry, no pony will be disturbing us down here."
To be continued
