Normally, when you wake up, you're human, right?
Well, today I woke up as Berry Punch. Huh.
I could first kind of tell right when I woke up, because instead of a nasty flavor in my mouth I could taste strawberries and honey. Seriously, you can eat the air here.
I found some sort of problem with walking on all fours, but I guess it's like crawling, or maybe just putting your hands on the ground, or maybe it's just like walking on two legs except that there are more of them. I don't know, one of those. Or maybe another one I didn't mention. Something.
I ate breakfast, casually ignoring the moral issues that would come from stealing Berry Punch's food (it was all Ramen noodles anyway, so I think I'm probably doing her a favor), and walked outside to a glorious day. The sun was shining… through lots of clouds, since Rainbow Dash apparently never feels like actually clearing the skies. The birds were singing… even though none were visible, so I have absolutely no idea how I could hear them. Everypony was happy… or maybe they were all running in fear of some monster or disaster. It's one or the other in Ponyville, really, and both happen fairly often, so they're pretty interchangeable.
Walking up to a pony who was either skipping along without a care or fleeing in terror, I greeted her. "How do you do?" I felt like a spy, hijacking another pony's body, and because of the whole "Changeling" thing that's probably never going to become an irrational fear for the ponies in the actual show, I'd have to lay low for a while if I was going to get out alive.
Because I'm sure that at least one of these ponies here lynch Changelings for a hobby. There are plenty of ponies like that, right?
So, I reacted perfectly naturally to this feeling, screaming out "I SWEAR I'M BERRY PUNCH AND NOT SOME SCHMO WHO BODY JACKED HER!"
Anyway, this pony said either "Hi!" or "OMGOMGWTBRUN" and walked/sprinted past. I waved back.
Through the course of an hour, give or take sixty minutes, I found myself in front of Twilight's library, in all of it's green, verdant, lush, overcomplicated, haphazard tree-ness. An idea sprang to mind, and I squealed. Of course! Twilight's pretty much Celestia minus one, surely she'd be able to send me back home!
I shuddered when I thought about what Berry Punch could be doing in my body, if we really swapped and I didn't just kick her out into nowhere. I hope she won't put any decent beer in my body or, heaven forbid, wine.
I talked to Spike, who seemed annoyed at something or other, and he left to collect Twilight. I would guess Rarity was rejecting him, but that's probably mean to assume things based on fanfictions. My bet is, he was shedding.
While I waited, I read the books on the shelves. They were in a language that was simultaneously at the same time concurrently both completely unintelligible and in the exact same language as this piece of writing. The logic bomb kind of distracted me, because I didn't even notice Twilight approaching until she was in the book, peering at me from in-between the pages. "Can I help you?"
I quite nearly jumped out of my socks right then. I'm glad I didn't, because socks are pretty hard to find in Equestria, and I'm pretty sure they're really only accessible when there is humor to be had.
In my panic, I squeaked out, "nobody," for no particular reason, and Twilight pointed an accusing hoof at me, shouting "you said nobody - you must be human!" Then I was knocked out—probably by Spike's swag—and found myself coming to amongst a huge throng of ponies in a cobblestone town square somewhere. To my left stood a large desk. At the desk was none other than Princess Celestia, or at least that's what the nametag said. She looked guiltily around every few seconds as if afraid of being caught for doing something, and I think she was having a bad mane day, because her complexion looked awfully blue.
There was a little box in front, and just as soon as I could focus with any degree of clarity the clamor died down. Twilight Sparkle took the stage, dressed in a sharp burgundy suit with a white cravat.
"My little ponies," Twilight began, staring meaningfully out at the innumerable ponies spectating. "This may look like Berry Punch, our beloved alcohol dealer and brewer… our only beloved alcohol dealer and brewer," Twilight muttered, looking up at Princess Celestia with no small degree of irritation. "But what you see is merely a mask, a cover-up, a sham, a disguise, a façade, a fake, a deception, a cover-up-"
"You already said cover-up," somepony shouted from the audience.
Twilight cleared her throat, "Ahem, yes, well, this pony is nothing more than… a human!"
Nopony spoke. Celestia timidly raised a hoof. "We, um, I mean I, the all-knowing Celestia, must ask what a human is."
Twilight hummed, and scratched her head with a gigantic backscratcher created from magic. "It's kind of like a pony, except it looks less like an equine and a bit more like whatever ponies think humans look like."
"The wise Celestia says hmm," Celestia mused. I tried to speak up, but guards who I forgot to mention earlier, sorry about that lack of detail, stuck a muzzle on me. I know, I'm so abused!
"Irregardless," Twilight said to the sobs of grammar sticklers all over the world, "this supposed 'pony' should be put to death!" The crowd cheered at this, a deafening roar that held so much power it destroyed the town hall.
"The omniscient Celestia agrees!" Celestia said, nervously adjusting her nametag as she spoke in an unnecessarily loud voice that threatened to match the crowd's volume. "The hu-mare shall be put down in a public demonstration, for everybody to see!"
The crowd gasped as one, including Twilight. "C-Celestia? You… you just said 'everybody!' You can't be… a… a human too-hoo…" Twilight broke down in sobs, as the crowd began to cry along with her. Princess Celestia hushed them all with a bolt of lightning that caught one of the ponies on fire, and shouted: "I AM NO PONY, BUT I AM STILL YOUR PRINCESS!" The crowd cheered again, and began an awkward chant of "Ce-lest-i-a! Ce-lest-i-a!"
"Somepony called?" Celestia said, as she alighted next to Celestia.
The crowd murmured to itself. "Two Celestias?" "What in the hay is going on here?" "How can there be two of them?" "I paid twenty bits for this, and this is what I get?"
"You… you impersonator!" the princess behind the desk said, throwing her little gavel at the newcomer. It bounced weakly off her cheek. "There cannot be two of the pre-eminent Celestia!"
"Says you!" The second Celestia retorted, before bringing up her eyes in thought. "Or, is it, says me…?"
"If you're really Celestia, then what is your secret ingredient for daisy sandwiches?"
"I add a small dash of oregano to the inside of the sepals."
"Ha! Now I know your secret!" The Celestia that started the trial ripped off her nametag, and everypony gasped as Princess Luna revealed herself. Absolutely nopony in the crowd expected this. "You have given up your killer recipe, and now you hold no leverage over me! I shall now recapture the planet, and return the moon to its rightful place: in the sky!" With this, Princess Luna surged with power, transforming into Nightmare Moon once again and blackening the skies with stars. The moon rushed over the horizon, shoving the Sun below, and the court was plunged into darkness.
"I am still the only one who knows the method I use to make peppermint tea," Celestia replied calmly.
Everything reversed motion, the Sun butting the moon back down and Nightmare Moon dissolving back into Princess Luna. "I was kidding, sister! Just kidding! You know I'd never doubt your rule! Ever!"
"Do not call me sister, human," Celestia accused, her eyes flashing in remorse and anger. "You have replaced my real sibling and now are sentencing our source of booze to death. Both of these counts are grounds for banishment to the moon."
"But she's a human too!" Twilight Sparkle blurted out. "She'll kill everybody or something!"
A deathly silence fell over everypony in attendance. Twilight visibly gulped.
"You… you liar…" a guard next to me hissed at her.
I would have said something here (hay, I would have said something several paragraphs ago), but the muzzle that was still there—believe it or not—kept me from getting anything out except, "Glfhaghurgotha."
"What did you say about my mother?"
"Glfhaghurgotha."
"That's what I thought."
I rolled my eyes. These guards couldn't tell an insult from a bunny.
Speaking of bunnies, Angel ran out and started biting Twilight's leg. Twilight screamed, shaking him off wildly, as Fluttershy flew up to the rabbit.
"Oh, I'm so, so sorry," Fluttershy sheepishly apologized, as she gathered up the rabid animal in her forelegs. "Angel really likes to eat humans for dessert. It's not your fault, he does this to everybody."
Another gasp issued from the crowd. I slapped a hoof to my face; just how melodramatic could these ponies be? Celestia shook her head in anguish, and I returned to my struggles with the muzzle.
"You're a human too?" Twilight asked.
"Yes," Fluttershy admitted, hiding within her pink mane. "I've been one ever since I can remember, and I've always been ashamed of it. I was hoping it would go away one day, and I could wake without its terrible burden, but alas, 'twas not meant for such a being as me. Neigh, what blight of spirit, such humanity entails! If this were played upon a stage now, I could condemn it as the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, a poor player who struts and frets his hour upon the stage, follow he to Rome."
As Fluttershy continued talking in what increasingly sounded like worthless philosophy (is that redundant?), I kept trying to remove the thing keeping my mouth shut. I tried fighting, pleading, coaxing, yelling, putting it in a corner for a time-out, anything, but nothing worked. I was finally ready to give up when I realized it was just fastened over my head and I could just lift the straps off. So, I did, and darted out just in time for the seven-hundred-or-so guards around me to crash in a spectacular display of grunts and clanging armor that rang out an exquisite arrangement of the andante section of Rossini's William Tell Overture. I ran out to Fluttershy, who was now holding a skull in her hands for some reason, and Twilight, who was writhing on the ground clutching at her ears.
Not bothering to question why Fluttershy suddenly had hands, I yelled for quiet. Soon, there was no noise, save for Twilight's gargling as she recovered from Fluttershy's soliloquies. I then addressed the crowd: "Okay, whoever here is actually a pony, raise your hands. Or hooves, whatever."
Celestia raised a hoof behind us. Dinky Doo began raising her own, but Ditzy slapped it down. Every so often there was a cough, or a clearing of the throat, but no other ponies volunteered themselves.
"Okay, so, um, wow," Princess Luna said, stepping down from behind the podium. "Looks like it's a bit more widespread than we thought…"
"Yeah," I responded, turning back to the crowd. "When did this all happen?"
The results were mixed; some had been in Equestria only for a few days, while for others it had been years. As it turned out, all of them were Bronies.
My mind was already clicking at the problem, but finally the pieces slid into place, and I gasped. "We have to get to Canterlot!"
"We're already in Canterlot," Princess Luna reminded me.
Huh. Convenient.
We rushed over to the palatial garden, where Discord's statue was, and my suspicions were confirmed when all we saw in place of Discord was a masterfully sculpted gelatin figure of Princess Cadance and Shining Armor touching horns, cooing at each other. We all gagged, although probably for different reasons, before turning to find Discord himself, wickedly cackling above us all.
"You fools have been putty in my hands the whole time!" Discord revealed, laughing in wild guffaws. "For years, I've been secretly replacing the ponies of Equestria with Bronies too happy to care! And Berry Punch here was the last one before I conquer you, Celestia!"
"You monster!" Celestia shouted, her horn glittering with magic powers of crazy magnitude.
"Yes, I am a monster, ain't I?" Discord stated, chuckling as he said it. Some ponies in the audience cheered along with me for his correct usage of "ain't," and he bowed, throwing bits out randomly. Twilight huffed, having won no points with her earlier use of "irregardless."
"But!" Discord punctuated, "You'll never defeat me with your puny forces! The real Elements of Harmony are huddling up in their little parasprite bodies; they don't know what's going on at all! It's great! It's great…"
"Well, I guess there's only one thing to do," Twilight Sparkle said. She turned to us, and narrowed her eyes.
"Emergency evacuation plan number 85."
Everypony gulped. Such a difficult routine…
"Do it!"
The ponies promptly began running in carefully choreographed directions, screaming on precise cues and hurtling around in a completely organized frenzy. Discord writhed, helplessly witnessing the orderly way in which these ponies panicked, before rasping "Nooooooo…" and making various Wizard of Oz references while he melted into a puddle. Somewhere, deep in the Everfree Forest, a sea serpent howled along with him for no real reason.
The crowd cheered, a sound that was quickly becoming tiresome to me. "Po-nies! Po-nies! Po-nies!"
"Well, I suppose that you did save Equestria," Celestia acknowledged, walking to the front of the mass. "And you all are very happy with your lives. I suppose I can lift the sentence of death on all of you!"
"HOORAY!" The ponies with hats threw them up into the air, while Pinkie Pie's Party Cannon discharged, sending streamers and confetti bursting into the air. I threw my giant cowboy hat I had on into the air; I don't remember ever getting it, but I felt sure that I had worn it at some point.
"Instead I will sentence you all to twenty years in the dungeon, effective immediately!"
"Aww…" the party was morosely gathered up, and the dejected ponies trotted unenthusiastically into the lower catacombs of Canterlot.
Celestia smiled, and pulled me out of the line. "You, random human I've certainly never seen before and about whom know nothing. When did you come to Equestria?"
I blinked. "This morning, ma'am."
"I can easily transport you back to Earth. You can return to your loving family and caring friends that I also most certainly know nothing about and have never seen, behind your back or no."
"Oh, thank you thank you thank you," I gushed, kissing my savior's hooves.
Celestia lifted her forelegs away from me, and declared that I not touch the royal hooves. I pulled myself into an adorable begging position, and her eyes softened before she said: "I will not do so unless you can answer this one question correctly."
"Yes?" I asked, willing to do anything to get out of Berry Punch's body. Because, let's face it; being a drunk is great when you're actually hammered, but hangovers are the worst, and apparently Berry has a constant migraine if she doesn't have some sort of alcohol in her system.
"Are we in a poorly written satire of HiE fics?"
"Yes."
And with that, everything ended.
...Huh.
