The Weak and Powerless Trixie
The Great and Powerful. That is what I always wanted to be. Once, I was selfish in this desire. But I never stopped wanting to be great. It drove me to greater selfishness as my pride sought to mend the blow it had taken when I first met her. And when I had become truly powerful, I was humbled by deception. But my dreams never ceased. I still desire to be what I always wanted to be. The Great and Powerful.
What have I ever accomplished in my life? When things began, I made claims of such power, such greatness. But it was all a lie. She showed me that. Even after that first incident, my accomplishments were brought to nothing. I tasted power, but never gained anything. My greatness was a lie. More to myself than to others. Have I ever really accomplished anything?
I dazzle and pretend. I put on a show and they marvel. And I only lied to myself of my power. I desired greatness and denied the lie I told. I told my heart I was great, I was powerful. I lived a lie, denying my limitations. Is it wrong to seek great heights? Is it wrong to dream and wish for things that are out of reach? Yet for a dream, I lived a lie.
I have seen her recently. So many who surround her. So many who are drawn to her. But me? I have nothing. No pony surrounds me. The love I see when on the stage is as false as my claims of power. I used to push them away. I believed myself greater than them. I believed they did not deserve to call themselves my friends. I was above friends. But now when I truly desire friendship, it leaves me alone.
I tried to deny the lie I told myself and others. But I only became lost in a sea of lies. I denied my failures as a horrible nightmare. I told myself I was great and drove myself to nothing. My life has been nothing but one lie after another. And now when I see the truth, now when I end the denial of what I have done and who I have become, I suffer. I suffer alone.
Princess. That is what she is now. She was gifted before. But now to be an alicorn and a princess? Why? Why her? Did she ever desire such prestige? In our encounters, she did not appear to seek greatness. But now she sits on a throne. In my life, I have sought things higher, greater. Why was she gifted and graced with that which I desire?
I do not understand. Everything I have wanted, she has. Everything I have desired, she has gained. Even when I was humbled and my pride shattered, I still desired to be better. Yet I have achieved nothing a she has received everything. I have been in the wrong before, that I no longer can nor will deny. But is it wrong to seek to be great? Am I wrong to wish to be better than what I am? Why have I been denied so much?
Who am I angrier at? Her or myself? My dreams have come to nothing. Yet she has everything. I understand humility. I have brought my pride under control. But I still dream. If power is so terrible, why does she possess the power of an alicorn and the prestige of a princess? Must I be denied power because I seek it? Is it wrong to dream and have desires?
I truly have never been one to hate. I have always seen myself as above others and therefore unworthy of me to hate. Even after being shown up by her, I have never really hated her. But I have been jealous. Only now can I say that I feel hatred. So much in her life seems handed to her. Yet everything has been taken from me. I do not wish to hate her, but I do. And yet, I only wish to be like her. I wish to be The Great and Powerful.
It seems my place in life is one of failure. A pony who seeks grand things only to be denied them even when they are within reach. Our second encounter proved my rage. I sought power by any means necessary. But then she humbled me. At first, I was angry at myself for such a play at power. But now, I have added her to my directed anger. She never wanted greatness. But now she has it on a scale I could only imagine. I hate myself and I hate her. But I do not want to.
Could I perhaps seek her out once more? Perhaps I could learn from her. Or perhaps I could try to take what I desire once more. I only wish to fulfill my dreams. I cannot take what I want. But I could seek her help. I would cast down my pride to learn, to grow, to understand. I would willingly humble myself instead of being humbled by another failure. But would she be willing?
I have dreams and desires. I wish to fulfill them. I would journey to the ends of the earth and overcome any challenge to see my wishes and dreams become a reality. I would bow at the hooves of the one who gained but never wanted. Anything to become what I claim to be. To be The Great and Powerful.
No. I cannot be what I claim. I cannot fulfill my dreams. I am left with nothing. All that I gain is always taken from me. Is it my lot in life to have nothing? To be nothing? What point is there to become better? What point is there to being great or powerful? More so when I shall never see it.
I could seek her aid. But I could never exceed her. I could never even compare. If my life has taught me anything it is that I will never have what I desire. What if I can never improve? What point would there be to seeking to be the greatest if I can never pass the first obstacle?
But now I wonder. What of if I do become the greatest? What then? She has so many that look to her, adore her. But me? I could gain all that I want. I could become that which I dream to be. But what pony would look to me? Or would they look down on me for seeking such greatness? How many ponies even care for this failure?
For now, I perform. They cheer at my feats, even if they are nothing but lies. But what if I were not on stage? What if another took the spotlight? Who would seek me out? Who would care for me? Have any really cared for me?
I seek greatness but never have it. I seek adoration but what I have is all a lie. She may have worked for her knowledge, but she is also naturally gifted. I work but never gain. I have no natural talent to even compare. Why seek greatness when she will always outshine me? Why seek the approval of others when another could come in and steal it all away?
What do I live for? Why do I strive? I wish to be The Great and Powerful, but for what reason? I have tasted greatness, but I shall never have it. So why continue a fruitless pursuit? My life is nothing but failures. The love I receive is naught but a lie. My dreams are little more than wishful thinking with no substance to them. Why do I continue to live? Is there any purpose to my life?
No. There is no purpose. At least, not anymore. I see that now as clearly as I have seen anything. I no longer have a reason to strive or dream. I no longer even have a reason to live. But was there ever a reason to begin with? I have lived a life of failures. I have been nothing but a joke. I should never have existed to begin with.
The rope. The one used in my act. That will do. Each life is like a small flame. Mine has been small and insignificant. A pointless flame in the midst of so many and outshined by another. The fire of life will continue without me. This flame can grow no more. It is best if it dies out. Alone. This flame has always been worthless. And now it shall be no more.
Farewell.
Trixie was awoken to a blinding light in her eyes. She squinted and put her hoof in front of her face as she tried to adjust to the light. Where was she? Light did not make sense. A moment ago she had just ended her life. Or had she?
The light continued to blind her as she struggled to think of what was going on. Should it not be dark? Or had she failed once again?
Her eyes began to adjust and a room came into focus. The feeling in her body slowly returned. She stared up at a ceiling, lying on a bed. Where was she? She tried to move but found her body weak. A turn of her neck resulted in pain. Pain? She was alive. Why?
She relaxed and gave her body a moment to recover and give her the ability to look around and better understand the situation. Minutes passed as strength returned to her weakened body and the pain in her neck subsided enough for her to turn her head. She carefully twisted her head and examined her surroundings.
The room was fairly plain. To her left was a set of devices she recognized as monitoring equipment from a hospital. A second look around revealed a chair in one corner of the room and a sink and cabinet combination. The door had a clipboard hanging from it. To her right was another chair pulled close to the side of the bed.
The door handle turned and the door opened with a gentle squeak. Trixie’s eyes went wide and her anger began to rise at who walked in. Princess Twilight Sparkle. The alicorn princess carefully closed the door, trying to muffle the squeak of the hinges. She looked over at the bed and smiled in glee. Why?
“Trixie? How are you doing?”
Trixie scowled as best she could in her state and stared at the princess. “Why are you here? Why am I here? What happened?” She winced at the pain in her neck from the raising tone of her voice.
Twilight walked over and stood next to the bed. “You were found in your apartment hanging by a rope and rushed to the South Manehatten Hospital. You had everypony scared and almost didn’t make it. I’m glad you’re okay now.”
“Why?” The question caused Twilight to react as though she had just been struck in the face. Trixie continued to scowl at her. “Why do you care for me? What pony in all of Equestria would place me in their care and help me?” She felt her scowl shift in to a snivel. Her vision began to blur as tears built up. “Who cared so much for me that they sought me? What pony cared for Trixie?”
Twilight was silent. She stared at Trixie a moment before looking down. Sorrow covered her face and she seemed hurt from the questions. But she said nothing. Why?
The sound of the door handle caused both ponies to turn and watch the door open. Trixie saw no pony enter as the door opened and closed. But she caught a glimpse of something familiar. Moving just along her line of sight, she watched as the top of a purple, pointed hat made its way over to the bed. She noted the stars that decorated it. Her hat? It could not be. It was like her hat but smaller.
When the hat had reached the edge of the bed, it rose and revealed its wide brim and the face of a small filly underneath. Her coat was yellow and her hair that was visible was orange and straight. She stared for only a moment in curiosity before producing a large smile and a gasp of joy. She reached her hooves up to the edge and held herself in place.
“You’re okay!”
She struggled to rise further before abandoning the attempt and dropping back down. Trixie watched the tip of the hat move as the filly worked her way around Twilight and hoped onto the chair. Now higher up, Trixie could see the cape she wore. Again, her cape but smaller. The filly stared in utter delight and Twilight looked at her and smiled. Who was this little filly?
“I was so worried about you. I’m so glad you’re okay Ms. Trixie.”
“Who…Who are you?”
The filly stood tall and proud as she answered. “I am The Great and Powerful Bitty!” She shifted to a look of excitement and awe. “I’m your number one fan Ms. Trixie. I want to be just like you.”
A fan? Some pony who wants to be like her? Why? Why would this little filly want to be a failure like her? Nothing made sense.
The filly began rambling on about Trixie’s shows and tricks. She danced about, reenacting the poses and image that Trixie used during each show. She spoke in wonder of the many tricks she had seen. She had watched so many shows, seen so many tricks. And she was in awe. What made her so fascinating to this little filly?
“You’re so cool!” the filly said, ending her tangent and staring straight at Trixie with wide eyes. “You’re so comfadant and enrejetctic and, and, and I just think you’re so cool.” The filly’s excitement died down as she stared down and rubbed her leg. “Your shows always make me happy. You can always make me smile. I want to be just like you and make ponies happy and smile too.”
Trixie was silent. For all her failures. For all her faults. She still somehow gave inspiration to this little filly. But who was she and why was she here? It must be more than a fan ensuring the well-being of the one they adore. Trixie looked to Twilight in inquiry.
Twilight smiled then looked towards the filly who continued to stare in awe at Trixie. “This little one is the reason you are here. She found you and got help.”
Trixie looked at the filly. Her previous excited face was replaced with worry as she recalled her actions.
“I went to your last show but you weren’t there. They had to cancel it. I was so sad. But I thought you might be sick or something and wanted to see if I could help make you better. My mommy helped me find where you lived. But when I finally found your home I heard something fall inside. I knocked on the door but you didn’t answer. Then I peeked in the window and saw you just standing there. You didn’t move even when I knocked on the window and shouted. I got scared.”
Twilight wrapped a hoof around the filly and continued the story. “She ran for help and they got the apartment owner to open the door. That’s when they found you hanging and rushed you to the hospital. Since she is from Ponyville, she wrote a letter to me for any help I could give. I only got here just before you woke up but she was here by your side as much as she could to make sure you were okay. Since they brought you here, she has never left the hospital.”
Trixie pondered the story. She had not wanted to be saved. She had wanted to die. But by sheer coincidence that had been prevented. And by a random filly of all ponies. The filly still looked at her with worry. A stranger, a child, had saved her life. The adoration she showed went beyond the simple fan adoration Trixie had seen. To the filly, Trixie was more than a great performer. She was a role model, one to look up to. Things started to become clearer. Perhaps this filly had done more than save her life.
Trixie smiled. “Thank you little one.”
The filly smiled and jumped onto the bed to give Trixie a large hug. Trixie ignored the pain in her neck from the hug. She now had something to look forward to. She had a role to fill and a filly to guide. Perhaps she really was The Great and Powerful after all. Just not in the way she had expected.
