Return to Equestria

by Shadowmane

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Human, Sad, Original Character, Spike, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Adventure, Main 6, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 49790

The sequel to An American Dude in Equestria

The sequel to An American Dude in Equestria

Years after returning to Earth, the human finds himself once again brought to the ponies' world. This time, however, his friends don't recognize him and their adventures are dictated and observed by Discord himself. Deception, pain, absurdity, and tension abound.

Published 2011-11-14 06:23:31 UTC
Last updated 2012-04-13 23:41:51 UTC

Ch. 1 (...And Back Again)

Ch. 1 (...And Back Again)

BBBZZZZzzzzzttt

I slowly cracked my eyes open and clumsily swung my arm over to hit the top of my alarm clock. It took me a few tries to successfully push the button, but finally the annoying buzzing stopped and left me in silence, aside from the usual noise of the city.

With a groan, I sat up and rubbed my eyes. My head was pounding and my tongue felt swollen, which was how practically ever day started for me. Just another fucking morning, I thought resentfully.

My alarm clock shot out a small beam of blue light that cast a message on the wall:

7:30 a.m.
Tuesday September 6, 2016.

I put my glasses on, tried to ignore how my stomach was in the process of digesting itself, and pulled a cigarette out of the pack on my bedside table. I flicked a cheap plastic lighter and took a deep breath of the greasy black smoke as I stood up and took a couple steps to the window.

My small two-room apartment was on the twelfth floor, which gave me a decent view of the surrounding city as the sun rose above the tall buildings. I could hear the faint sounds of revving engines and blaring horns as everyone tried to drive somewhere and got stuck in the resulting traffic. Some things never change.

I looked back at the date that my clock projected onto the wall and frowned. September 6, 2016. My barely-working brain recognized that there was something significant about that date. Something important. Was it a holiday? No, that didn't seem right, and it wasn't about the upcoming fifteenth anniversary of 9/11 either.

Then I realized what it was. I sighed and took another lungful of death-smoke. I hadn't even been awake for two minutes and I was already thinking about them.

It was five years to the day. Five years since I'd woken up and returned to reality. Five years since I'd been bothered by those colorful figments of my imagination. Five years since I'd told them to leave me alone and let me get back to my real life.

Five years since I'd had a friend.

I gave myself a mental slap and tried to divert my attention away from them. The memories always came back when I wasn't working or shitfaced, and I didn't like being reminded of a time when I'd been happy. They say that happy memories can always make you smile, but that's a lie. Mine just made me feel like crap and question if I'd done the right thing the last time I'd seen the ponies.

I took another pull on the cigarette and looked around for something to distract myself before I got too depressed. A flashing red light on my cell phone (which could double as either a wrist watch or a belt buckle) caught my attention. I punched the proper keys and was rewarded with a short voicemail.

“Hey, Bones, it's Tim. We missed you at George's barbeque the other day. Listen, after we're done with Blynde Panthurr's album, how would you like go out with me and Jane to that new bar on Broadway? Drinks're on me. At least think about it, alright? See ya at work tomorrow.”

My coworkers all called me Bones because I was pale and scrawny as hell. They meant it as a joke and weren't trying to be mean or condescending; in fact, they were all really nice to me. They invited me to go out drinking, hang out at Superbowl parties, and see new movies on a regular basis.

But it was that special kind of niceness where you know that they all just feel sorry for you. I could never stand that kind of attention, so I made excuses when I could and left early when I couldn't. They weren't bad people, and I really did appreciate their efforts to reach out to me, but we just never connected and I always ended up drinking alone in my appartment instead.

After being released from the psychiatric hospital, I'd borrowed some money, moved to Los Angeles, and managed to find a job as an audio technician for a small recording studio. I was tasked with recording music, mixing the sound levels, and adding special effects to the songs. Most of the other employees worked in teams, but I did everything by myself whenever possible.

I was a pretty good at it, too. Not once had I ever missed a day of work, despite the almost-daily hangovers and lack of decent sleep. I worked harder than any of the others to keep my mind occupied, and it resulted in a consistently superior product. I had been Employee of the Month for the past twenty months straight, but I'd barely noticed and just chalked that up to more pity from my coworkers.

I finished my smoke and crushed the stub up in the ceramic ashtray. Then I made my way to the bathroom and went through my usual morning routine to get ready for work. Another day, another drive to work, another talentless rock band's audio files to screw around with until they sounded nothing like the original recording, another kindly-meant offer to decline, and another bottle of middle-shelf vodka with my name on it. Life was just fucking peachy.

You know what? There was absolutely no reason why I shouldn't have at least tried to be happy. I had a job with decent pay, an adequate place to live (so long as I ignored how thin the walls were and that one of my neighbors hired a dominatrix every Thursday), and I worked with people who were actively trying to be friendly. There are plenty of other people in far worse conditions who are perfectly content with what they have.

Hell, life on Earth had never been better—at least that's what all the “experts” claimed. The world's economies had mostly recovered, violent crime rates were at an all-time low, and diplomats had somehow actually succeeded in reducing the tensions in the Middle East. New medical advances had developed more effective treatments for cancer and diabetes, and AIDS was quickly being eradicated thanks to a special DNA-altering vaccine. Even the tree-hugging environmentalists were happy, since new energy-saving measures and pollution regulations had been signed into law in the past few years. Despite being dissatisfied with my life, I should have been able to spare a little happiness for how everyone else's lives had improved from all that.

But I just wasn't happy.

Would I be any better off if I'd gone back to Equestria? I asked myself for the millionth time as I carefully trimmed the edges of my goatee. That was one thing that I'd retained from my time with the ponies.

Despite my disillusionment, I'd kept a general eye on the My Little Pony show over the years. I hadn't been able to keep watching past the first few episodes of the second season—it was painful to see them all going about their lives as if I'd never existed—but the cartoon had maintained its critical success and was about to start its seventh season. There had even been a big-budget movie, but I hadn't seen that either.

Just thinking about the ponies made my gut twist in agitation. I could clearly recall every second of my time spent in the ponies' world, and the memories played themselves over and over inside my brain. They just wouldn't get out of my head. Twilight Sparkle. Applejack. Rainbow Dash. Pinkie Pie. Fluttershy. Rarity.

“Rarity,” I muttered under my breath. I thought about her the most. About her sophisticated accent and sense for fashion. About her lofty mannerisms and how she'd fallen in love with me.

Her words came back to me: “The stud that I desire is a rugged individual. He is educated, stalwart, clever, creative, and willing to put the needs of others before his own. He perseveres when all hope is lost, yet knows how to enjoy himself when appropriate. He does not hide his faults and failings, but strives to succeed in spite of them. He withheld nothing when Trixie captured me and put her in her place. He has defeated Diamond Dogs and a shadow dragon, not for the boasting and glory, but out of loyalty to his friends. He is you, and you alone.”

That just made me feel angry and depressed (yet again). She'd seen so many great qualities in me that simply weren't there. How could she have possibly thought that I was her white knight? And even if there had been a time when I'd been as great as she made me out to be, now I was an alcoholic twenty-four-year-old who'd given up on finding friends years ago and dwelt on the past. Some hero.

Just when I thought that it was impossible for my thoughts to make me feel any worse, the memories, like always, returned to that last look that she gave me. I could see her azure blue eyes that were full of heartbreak and sorrow. The final gaze before she reluctantly left me to continue my life on Earth. The glance that filled me with guilt and regret even after half a decade.

I gave myself another mental slap. It wasn't real, I furiously reminded myself yet again. My brain malfunctioned and I imagined the whole thing. None of it was real. And even if it was, there's no point thinking about it. It's done, get over it. This is your life now.

But that wasn't working—it rarely did. I groaned and pulled open the mirror to get to my medicine cabinet. In the corner was a small plastic bottle of modafinil pills. They helped me concentrate without losing too much sleep. Most of the time, anyway. The bottle's directions warned against taking any on an empty stomach, but I hardly ever ate anything anymore.

I popped one of the red pills into my mouth and put the rest back. Now, I'm not gonna think about the damn ponies anymore, I growled to myself as I swallowed and forcefully shut the cabinet.

Three ponies stared at me from inside the mirror.

I just stared back at them in shock for a few seconds. Then I opened the cabinet and closed it again. They were still there. I opened and closed the cabinet a third time. Still there.

“Stop doing that,” the orange pegasus with a short-cropped purple mane said as I moved to try a fourth time.

I struggled to find my voice. “I...Huh? What? What is this, I don't even...”

“No time fer explainin',” the pale yellow earth pony cut my spluttering off. On top of her long red mane was a broad tan stetson hat that had a bright pink bow tied around the brim. “C'mon Sweetie, cast th' spell already.”

“Are you even sure it's him? Is this the right place?” the orange pony asked doubtfully as she cast a critical eye over me.

“Of course it's him,” the white unicorn in the center finally spoke. Her curly hair was pink and purple. “Now hold still, Jesse. This shouldn't hurt.”

Before I could ask what the hell was happening or how they knew my name, the unicorn's horn glowed with a faint green light and everything around me flashed white. My vision swam, all of my blood rushed to my head, the floor disappeared, up became down, and I suddenly fell to my knees right next to the mares.

Between the lingering hangover and being so disoriented by the teleportation spell, my body just couldn't take any more. I retched and puked up my stomach's contents, which consisted solely of acidic bile and the red pill.

“Ewww,” muttered the earth pony as I spat to get the rest of the nasty stuff out of my mouth.

“C'mon, c'mon, we gotta hurry,” the pegasus said as she pushed me to my feet. “Get up and let's move!”

“Why?” I asked blearily as my brain threatened to explode. “What's going on? Where am I? Who the hell are you and how do you know who I am?”

“Don't you remember us?” the unicorn asked gently. “I'm Sweetie Belle. Rarity's sister.”

I blinked a few times and looked at them again. It took a few seconds, but then something clicked in my head. Of course! The Cutie Mark Crusaders! I realized.

It seemed so obvious now, but I hadn't been able to figure it out myself because the three of them had grown up. They weren't pint-sized fillies anymore and were almost as big as the other ponies had been. They still hadn't gotten their marks, though.

I took a glance around. We were in a small room with crude wooden boards for walls. Three stools and a small table sat in the middle, and there was a full-length mirror hanging on the wall. It looked like some kind of clumsily-constructed clubhouse, and had probably become the CMC headquarters after they outgrew their treehouse.

“C'mon, already!” the older Scootaloo complained again as I got my bearings. “We've gotta get goin' ASAP!”

“What's the rush?” That was one question answered, but there were still a dozen others that I needed to ask and my head was still spinning.

Sweetie Belle replied for her. “We need your help. Discord's back, and he's got our sisters and Rainbow Dash! He won't give them back unless we bring you to him.”

“He...you...wait, what?” My mind tried and failed to process what she'd just said.

“You weren't s'posed ta say that!” Apple Bloom glared at Sweetie Belle, then looked to me with pleading eyes. “Can ya help us, Jesse? Please?”

Before I could even begin to make an answer, the back of my head exploded with pain and everything went black.

* * * * *

When I came to and opened my eyes, the floor's tiles were swaying and I was bouncing up and down slightly. Soft hoofsteps filled the air and I realized that one of the ponies was carrying me on her back.

“Ugh,” I groaned to myself. I tried to rub at the rear of my throbbing head, but my hand wouldn't budge. My arms and legs were tied behind me.

“Hold still,” came Sweetie Belle's voice from my right. “Sorry about that, but Scoot's not a very patient filly.”

“Hey, we gave him plenty of time!” Scootaloo protested from somewhere above and behind me. “And we don't have all day. Discord might change his mind for all we know.”

“You didn't have to knock him out! Apple Bloom, you want me to take a turn?”

“Nah, he don' weigh more'n a bushel o' apples, maybe two. When was th' last time ya ate somethin'?”

“Better hope he doesn't starve to death before we're done with him,” came a fourth voice. I twisted my head to see who that could be.

“Spike? Is that you?” I asked in surprise, even though I knew it was. I'd only met one dragon before who hadn't tried to kill me, after all. As you'd expect, he was quite a bit bigger than he had been the last time I'd seen him—he was about four feet high at the shoulder and walked on all fours now—but those purple scales and green spines were unmistakable. His nose had lengthened to a pointed snout and tiny wings stuck out from his back.

“Yeah,” he muttered gruffly. “Long time no see.”

“What are you doing here? What the hell's going on?”

“Isn't it obvious?” he said with a huff of annoyance. “We're rescuing Rarity. And the other two while we're at it, I guess. Man, this place is weird.”

I craned my neck around to see what he meant. I wished that I hadn't a second later, because that place was fucked up beyond all reason.

It looked like someone had used M. C. Escher's drawings as concept art for a cathedral. Staircases that lead to nowhere jutted from the walls, unnecessary corners abounded, and the doorways were all set at weird angles. The floor was uneven and tilted away in absurd directions. Vaulted windows with various colors of glass showed that outside it was sunny, raining, snowing, underground, underwater, midday, and midnight all at once.

And it all moved around. The walls shrunk and grew randomly and the number of stairs in the staircases kept changing. The vaulted ceiling couldn't decide if it wanted to stay a hundred feet above our heads or just forty. New doorways and windows appeared with no rhyme or reason and others blinked out of existence. Utter chaos.

It was extremely nauseating to look at, and I threw up again. Instead of bile, a bunch of shiny glass marbles came out of my throat and fell to the floor. To say that that confused the hell out of me would be the understatement of the century.

“Whoa!” Apple Bloom cried out as she stepped on a few of the marbles and instantly slipped out of control. The two of us skidded away from the others on the glass balls and quickly found ourselves at the far end of the room.

Apple Bloom and I crashed into the brick wall, which bent inward like rubber and shot us right back at Spike, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle even faster than we'd been going before. That stock sound effect of a bowling ball hitting the pins rang out as we crashed right into them. When the dust settled, we were all sprawled around in a confused and battered heap. My head hurt worse than ever.

Slow clapping filled the air. “Nice entrance,” a slow, masculine voice drawled. “I'd give you a thousand points for that, but the points don't matter.”

I looked around for the speaker and spotted a very strange creature sitting on a chair that hadn't been there a minute ago. He looked what Dr. Frankenstein would have come up with if he'd had to use different animal parts instead of human corpses for his creation. Part horse, part dragon, part griffin, part goat, part bat, and so on. His eyes were yellow with red pupils that were different sizes, mismatched horns protruded out of the top of his head, a long fang jutted from his mouth, and a fluffy white beard stuck out of his chin.

It was Discord, is what I'm saying.

“Alright,” Apple Bloom said as she got back to her hooves. “We've brought 'im here. Now where's Applejack?”

“And Rarity!” Sweetie Belle and Spike chimed in at the same time.

“And Rainbow Dash!” Scootaloo added.

Discord tapped his chin and thought. “Hmmm...hmmm...Applejack...Rarity...Rainbow Dash...hmmm...Oh! You must mean these three.”

He snapped his eagle talons and a bright white flash appeared about halfway between us and him. When the light faded away, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity were standing there.

“Rainbow!” Scootaloo shouted and flew in a beeline at her unmoving hero.

Crack!

I couldn't really see what happened from where I was still laying on the ground, but the aftermath was pretty clear. The orange pegasus was left holding a decapitated cardboard cutout of Rainbow Dash. Or maybe it was plywood. Either way, it was a flat board that had a headless blue pony painted on it and the other two were also nothing more than props.

Scootaloo flew right up to Discord's grinning face and angrily pressed her nose against his. “Where is she? What have you done with her?”

“Has anypony ever told you that you look like a chicken?” he cooed.

“I'm not a chicken!” Scootaloo yelled. “Why does everypony think that I—”

Discord grabbed her by the throat, then reached under his chair and pulled out a clucking white chicken. He held it up next to Scootaloo and looked between them.

“Yep. Definitely a chicken,” he laughed to himself.

“Let 'er go!” Apple Bloom shouted as she, Spike, and Sweetie Belle left me behind and ran up to the base of his seat. “You wanted Jesse, and we brought 'im to ya. Now give us back our sisters!”

Discord snorted. “Did you actually think that I did anything to them? You didn't even check on them before you ran off and brought the human here?”

“What?” Sweetie Belle asked in confusion. “You lied to us?”

He rolled his eyes and sighed heavily. “Yeah, I do that a lot. You're all annoying, you know that?”

With that, he shook the chicken that was still in his grip (the real one, not Scootaloo). It squawked again and its eyes flashed from beady black to bright red. It snapped furiously at the air with razor-sharp teeth that grew right out of its beak. We couldn't see the rest of it because Discord's hand was in the way, but I could imagine it being covered with dark green scales and sprouting a long dragon-like tail.

The ponies and Spike gasped, but their breath caught in their throats as Discord shoved the newly-formed cockatrice right at them. The four of them froze as they turned to stone.

Shit! I struggled against the rope that still held me, but it was no use. Applejack must have taught her sister how to tie good knots, and it refused to let me go.

The cockatrice turned its gaze to me, but Discord threw it casually over his shoulder before it could petrify me. It exploded into smoke and a swarm of black moths as it hit the ground behind him.

“Such a shame to have to do that,” Discord muttered sadly. Then he clapped his hands, rubbed his mismatched palms together, and turned to me with a devious grin.

“Soooo, you're the human? The one who slew the shadow dragon? Sir Jesse the Bold? The Guardian of Equestria? I have to say, I was expecting someone with more muscles.”

“What the fuck do you want?” I demanded angrily. My ability to be polite had vanished around the time that Scootaloo had knocked me out.

“Oh, I want a lot of things. I want a castle by the beach. I want a golden statue of myself. I want a bathtub full of jawbreakers. I want someone to organize my collection of horn shavings. I want to play bumper cars with Harrison Ford and Sean Connery. I want a plate of tacos. You know what, I can take care of that one right now.”

He snapped his fingers and a plate of steaming tacos appeared and floated in midair. Then the tacos all grew spidery legs and crawled away.

Discord shrugged indifferently as the food fled and returned his attention to me. “But, most of all, I want to play a little game. And I want you to help me with it.”

“What?" I asked in confusion. "A game? And you think I'll just play along? Fuck off.”

“Aww, but don't you want to have some fun?” His jovial mismatched eyes were suddenly right in my face.

My eyes narrowed of their own accord. “I think I'd have more fun stapling my balls to a ceiling fan.”

He huffed in disappointment. “Well, if you're going to be that way, I suppose these four will have to suffer for it.”

Discord snapped his talons again and the ground shook violently. A massive crack ripped through the tiled floor not far away. Steam and glowing red light spilled out as bubbling lava spewed forth and settled into a shallow pool of fiery sludge. The smell of brimstone filled the air.

“What the hell's going on?” I asked, slightly panicked. That can't be good.

The draconequus hummed to himself as he picked up the Cutie Mark Crusaders and Spike and flew with them to the lava pool. The volcanic muck hissed and sputtered.

“This little pony went to market...” Discord muttered as he hung the petrified Sweetie Belle over the molten rock by her head.

“Wait!” I shouted as I realized what he was doing. “I've changed my mind! I'll do it if you let them go!”

What else could I do? Sure, they had kidnapped me and used me as a ransom, but they'd been forced to do it. Just like I was being forced to go along as well.

“I thought you'd come around,” he snickered and set the fillies and the dragon down safely away from the lava. “You know, I don't usually turn anypony to stone. It's a terribly dull way to spend the rest of your existence.”

He reached out with his lion paw, grabbed a pebble from the midst of the liquified rock, and popped it into his mouth. There was a sizzling sound, then the pebble fell right through the hole that it had burned in his jaw.

Discord didn't seem to mind or even notice the injury at all. “Now then, this is how the game works. I'm going to take these four and hide them somewhere. I've already put a few clues throughout Equestria, which you'll have to find and decipher in order to discover where they are. If you win, they'll be free to go with you. If you fail...well, I think you get the idea. Any questions?”

“Yeah,” I struggled against the rope again, but it still held me tight. “Why me?”

“I love a clever mind,” he replied as he twirled a talon in his white beard. “And I'm curious to find out how yours works. From what I've heard, you managed to defeat the shadow dragon without the Elements of Harmony or direct help from the Princesses. And even before that, you made a bunch of interesting new things for the ponies out of whatever you found lying around. It should be interesting to see your inner MacGyver at work.”

I raised an eyebrow. “MacGyver? That's an Earth thing.”

“Oh, I know all about Earth,” Discord said with a chuckle. “I took a short vacation there after I broke out of my stone prison for the second time. You humans have lots of interesting stuff in your world. Lots of chaos. And lots of pictures of ponies in socks, for some reason. But let's move on.

“Now, there's one last part to this game that I'm sure you'll love. I know that you know the six ponies who defeated me last time, the bearers of the Elements of Harmony. You'll be working with them, but they won't know it.”

“Huh?” I asked, confused again. “What's that s'posed to mean?”

“Do you know what these are?” He snapped his talons instead of answering me. A second crack appeared in the ground at the opposite side of the unstable room, but, instead of lava, a field of bright red flowers sprung up from the new crevice.

I didn't have a good view from where I was, but the flowers didn't look overly remarkable. “What about 'em?”

“They're a creation of my own, actually,” he said proudly. “It's a special type of Poison Joke that has a particular effect on most intelligent species.”

“And that is...?” I asked when he didn't elaborate.

Again ignoring my question, Discord looped one of his lion claws through the rope that held my arms together and tossed me effortlessly into the air.

“Service!” he shouted as I began to fall back toward the ground.

I'm not sure where he got the tennis racket, but he explosively introduced it to my face. I flew across the room from the force of the hit, bounced painfully off the floor once, then tumbled to a rolling stop in the middle of the flowers.

I groaned and opened my eyes. One of the flowers was right in front of my face. The red petals were pretty big and little antennas (I think they're called stamens) stuck out of the top.

I pulled at the ropes again, and to my surprise they actually slipped off this time. I quickly freed myself and stood up...only to fall right back down on the flowers.

What the hell? I pushed myself back to my feet. And fell down again. Something's not right...

Discord slithered up to the edge of the flowers and cackled. “Oh my, you are so precious!” he crooned as I tried and failed to stand a third time.

I scowled and crawled on my elbows out of the field instead. The flowers must've done something to my legs, I thought to myself. I should have realized that it would be a little more complicated than that.

It took me longer than it should have to get out of the red Poison Joke, but I didn't really notice. My shoes came off as I pulled myself back onto the tiles, but I wasn't immediately aware of that either. I did take note when my pants slipped down to my knees. I twisted around to grab the back of my waistband and pull them back up, then froze in shock.

There was a tail sticking out of my ass. A tail of coarse, jet black hair. That definitely didn't belong there.

“The fuck?” I reached out a hand to touch the tail. But it wasn't a hand. My arm ended in a rounded stub.

Discord guffawed as I stared at the hoof in disbelief. “Oh, you should see your face right now!” He snapped his talons again and a big mirror magically appeared next to me.

My mouth dropped open as I saw my reflection. I was a pony. A pony with square glasses and clothes that were way too damn big for him.

I carefully stood up again, using all four legs this time. It was difficult to keep my balance, and the weight of the clothes only made it harder. My pants fell down again and my shirt bunched up uncomfortably around my neck.

The hell with this. I grimaced and stripped my clothes off. That made it a little easier to stand, plus I got a better view of myself in the mirror.

I'd shrunk so that I was a little on the small side even for a pony. My coat was dark gray, like soot. My short mane and tail were jet black and wiry. My face was square and boxy. I could see my ribs sticking out. My eyes were still dark brown, just like they had been before the transformation, and I still needed my glasses to see anything properly (somehow, they still fit despite the radical changes to my face's shape). On my flank was a picture of two bronze clockwork gears.

I still couldn't believe what I was seeing. I'm a fucking pony, I said repeatedly in my head as I looked from my reflection to my transformed body, but my mind simply refused to accept it.

Discord was still laughing at me. “Oh, my little Earth pony, you're already entertaining me!” He grabbed his sides and rolled around on the ground as he let out a new round of explosive guffaws.

“Did you do this just so you could make that joke?” I snarled. It was true enough, though; I didn't have a horn or wings.

He propped himself up on his elbow and wiped a tear of mirth out of his eye. “Hehe...hehehe...heh. Oh, lighten up, will you? This is supposed to be fun, remember?”

“Yeah, this is ten kinds of fun,” I said, my voice practically dripping with sarcasm. “You make three fillies and a dragon rip me out of my world, force me to play some game of yours, and then turn me into a fucking pony. What could be funner than that?”

“Exactly!” he rolled back into the air and hovered with a wide grin. “Now, speaking of the game, it's time to begin. Your first stop is Ponyville. I'll explain everything to the others.”

Discord grabbed me roughly by the back of the neck and lifted me into the air. He inhaled a lungful of air and breathed hard right into my face.

I can't even begin to imagine what he ate to make his breath smell so horrible. Even if he'd engorged himself on rotting fish and sweaty gym socks for a year, the stench wouldn't have been even half as bad. I could feel my bile rise a third time and my eyes teared up from the vile odor.

At least I passed out quickly.

Ch. 2 (Reunion)

Ch. 2 (Reunion)

“Wake up!”

Whack! Something hit the side of my face painfully.

“Ow! The fuck is—”

Whack! The blue thing smacked me again.

“Get up!” the same voice barked. I knew that voice...

Whack!

“Ow! Stop that!” I protested before whatever it was could hit me again.

“Get off 'im, he's awake already,” drawled another distantly familiar voice from across the room.

I shoved against the fuzzy blue blob that was pinning me to the floor and sat up with a groan. My head hurt like hell and I couldn't see anything clearly. I tried to rub my face, only to stop at the unfamiliar shape of my nose and lack of fingers. That wasn't normal.

“I...I think you dropped these,” came a third half-remembered voice, this one timid and hesitant. A blurry yellow-and-pink mass filled my view, then everything came into sharp focus as it carefully set my glasses on my nose.

I blinked a few times as Fluttershy quickly retreated to the other side of the library. The others were there as well; Rainbow Dash was hovering in the air just in front of me with an angry frown stretching across her face, Pinkie Pie was preoccupied with setting up a few books in a domino line behind her, and Twilight, Applejack, and (I swear my heart physically sank downwards and settled right between my kidneys) Rarity were all staring at me curiously.

But they were not quite how I remembered them. They hadn't grown nearly as much as the Cutie Mark Crusaders, but they were noticeably older. Applejack had grown a few extra freckles, Rainbow's mane was slightly longer, and other small things like that had changed. I also noticed that they were all a little bigger than me, which seemed really bizarre, considering that I'd towered over them before.

Nopony spoke for a few seconds. They all looked down at me and I looked back.

A mixture of emotions shot through me as I fully understood what was going on. On one hand, seeing old friends after being apart feels great no matter who you are. If a pair of preppy teenage girls will hug one another and break down in hysterical giggles after losing sight of each other for all of five minutes, imagine the feelings that come from five years of separation and not having even a single other friend in that time.

But at the same time, my gut twisted with guilt and fear as I remembered how I'd acted the last time we'd met. I'd yelled at Pinkie and Rainbow and told the others that they were just the products of a delusional mind. That couldn't have possibly left a good impression.

Are they even my friends anymore? my mind asked of its own accord. Do they want anything to do with me now? I really wasn't certain if I even wanted to know the answers to those questions.

Twilight coughed into her hoof and broke the silence. “Sooo...Who are you, exactly?”

“Huh?” I asked obtusely, not sure what she meant. Doesn't she remember me?

“What's your name?” Rainbow asked impatiently. “I swear, Discord better not've stuck us with a retard.”

Then I realized what the problem was; I was a pony now. Of course they wouldn't recognize me! Call me slow on the uptake, but it's hard to think when you're hungover, been knocked unconscious twice before breakfast, and thrown into another world against your will.

“Well?” Rainbow demanded as she shoved her face into mine. “Are you gonna tell us or not, buddy?” She venomously sneered for the last word.

“Oh,” I stalled as I struggled to come up with something. Some kind of alias to hide my true identity. Even if they were willing to believe that I was the human that they'd befriended before, I really didn't want to bring up our last meeting again.

“My name's...my name's...uh...” My brain locked itself down and refused to give me anything to work with. Twilight and Rarity glanced at each other and Rainbow scowled deeper than ever.

Pinkie came to my rescue. “Oooh, do you want us to guess? I'm good at guessing games!” She bounced up and down excitedly, and in so doing she knocked over the books that she'd been playing with.

“Uh, sure,” I said and held in a sigh of relief. That almost ended badly.

“Hmmm...” Pinkie poked her tongue out of the corner of her mouth and studied the twin gears that were my stud stamp. “Is your name Gearhead? No, it's Sprocket, right? No, no, that's not it either. It's gotta be Machine-O-Pants! That's a silly name.”

“No, you're way off,” I muttered. “You're making it way too complicated.” For me.

Pinkie scratched her chin and thought hard. With a muted pop, a lightbulb sprang into existence above her head and turned itself on.

“I got it!” she shouted giddily. “Cog! Your name's Cog, isn't it? Did I win?”

“Uh, yeah, that's right. My name's Cog,” I said quickly. That would be easy enough to remember.

Applejack raised an eyebrow at that. “Well, 'Cog,' jus' who th' hay are ya? Why'd Discord tell us we have ta work with ya ta get mah sis back?”

“I don't know,” I quickly lied. “He didn't tell me anything, except that he'd left clues around. Did he mention where to start?” I wanted to shift the focus away from myself until I could build up a more solid backstory.

Twilight nodded. “He gave us a list of hints, and it looks like there are four clues to find. We were going to head out to Sweet Apple Acres and start looking around for the first one as soon as you were up.”

I pushed myself to my hooves (it felt weird to think in those terms) and got my balance. “Alright then, let's ge—”

You know what I learned right then? Walking with four legs is harder than it looks. You know how I found that out? By smashing my face into the floor after two steps. That was about as painful and embarrassing as you'd think.

“Oh come on!” Rainbow facehoofed as I stood up again. “Discord stuck us with a guy who can't even walk?”

I ignored her and took a few cautious steps. This time, my front legs got too far ahead of the back pair and I slid into a bellyflop.

“Are you alright?” Rarity finally spoke. She looked genuinely concerned.

“Yeah, just...I'm just dizzy,” I answered lamely. I pointedly looked away from the other ponies as I got up a third time. This try ended with me wobbling off to the side and crashing my shoulder into a bookcase.

Rainbow Dash shook her head. “This is pathetic. Let's just get moving and let him catch up later.”

Twilight sighed. “Alright. Fluttershy, you stay here to help him out and lead him to the farm. Everypony else, let's head out and start looking around.”

“Oh...okay,” the yellow pegasus mumbled as the others filed out of the tree and left us alone.

* * * * *

It took a full fifteen minutes just to get to the front door. I eventually figured out that I had to move my rear left leg, then the front left, then the back right, then the front right, and repeat at an even rhythm. It was a simple pattern, but it was also challenging to maintain—partially because my center of mass had shifted closer to my chest and partially because I was using my muscles in unfamiliar ways.

Fluttershy's protective instincts kicked in when she saw how much trouble I was having, and she patiently assisted me throughout the struggle. She helped keep me balanced and offered encouragement the entire time, so that I felt like I was a hospital patient getting out of a wheelchair and she played the part of the attending nurse. She was even considerate enough to not ask why I was having so much trouble.

“You know, I used to be a very weak flier,” Fluttershy offered brightly as I finally reached the door and pushed it open. “But now I can fly for hours and not get tired. So just keep practicing and you'll do great!”

“Right,” I muttered and stumbled outside into the autumn sunshine. She flew right above me and held my torso steady as I threatened to overbalance yet again.

We slowly passed Sugar Cube Corner, the Carousel Boutique, and the Town Hall. Ponyville looked just like I remembered it—same houses, same stores, same landmarks. The trees were different colors, but they were all in the same spots. Even the resident ponies were all the same, or at least very similar.

A few of said ponies stared at my uneven walking and muttered to each other, but they soon turned back to their card games, conversations, or whatever it was that they were doing. That was pretty much the exact opposite of their reaction to my first appearance, but I guess a crippled pony isn't quite as exciting as a human.

As we left the town behind and made for the rolling hills, a random thought entered my mind: none of this was real. I'm just having a relapse, aren't I? I asked myself. Why am I even bothering with something that's going on in my head? It's not like it'll really make a difference. I could just sit around with my thumb up my ass and be just as productive.

Then again, I couldn't risk letting three ponies and Spike being trapped in stone forever. Then again (again), they were just part of my scrambled brain and therefore it didn't matter if we rescued them or not. Then again (again) [again], I didn't want to risk it on the off chance that they weren't figments of my imagination. Then again (again) [again] {again}, that was a stupid thought.

After going back and forth a few more times, I decided that it was pointless to debate with myself about that any further. If I was stuck in my head again, there was no reason why I couldn't carry on with it like I had before and treat it like reality. After all, there was no telling when I was going to reawaken. My last visit to Equestria had lasted for more than a week, and I couldn't make myself return to Earth, so I decided to go along at least for the time being. If nothing else, it would give me something to do until I woke up again.

Isn't this what I wanted anyway? I asked myself as I took a quick look over the countryside. I almost laughed at how ridiculous that question was, then frowned as I considered further. For five years I'd been second guessing my decision that day in the psychiatric hospital, asking myself if I'd made the right choice or if I'd even had a choice to begin with. Well, I hadn't been happy on Earth and now I had an opportunity to take the other fork in that road.

But now that I was actually in Equestria once more, I didn't feel the happiness come rushing back. I felt horrible. My friends didn't recognize me, and I had deliberately lied to them all to keep it that way. Even Fluttershy, who was still watching over me like a dedicated mother to make sure I didn't trip or fall over again. That wasn't fair to her, or to the other five either, and I felt my ears go hot with shame.

I seriously considered coming clean and just telling them all the truth, but that idea died as quickly as it had formed. Even if I confided in Fluttershy while we were walking...I just couldn't. I'd thrown myself headfirst at a shadow dragon after repeatedly insulting its mother, but the terror of even that paled in comparison to how I imagined the ponies' reactions: tears, accusations, ridicule, doubt, anger, and so many other things that I couldn't bear to think about. They would definitely resent the hell out of me for leaving them like I had.

Then an even worse thought entered my head: What if they resented the hell out of me for coming back? I'm not sure what exactly sparked that notion, but that settled it—I made up my mind right there that I would never tell them. I would have to just start over and bide my time as a pony until I woke up on Earth again. No, it wasn't the right thing to do, but it was the better option.

I tried to clear my head and focus on walking. Rear left, front left, rear right, front right, repeat. I let the yellow pegasus steer me in the proper direction, even though I remembered the way. Our progress was slow.

It took forever, but eventually Fluttershy and I reached the outskirts of Sweet Apple Acres. The trees had already been harvested and the leaves had turned from deep green to gold and orange. A crisp breeze rustled the dry foliage and blew my mane (that was another weird word to use) into my eyes.

The other five ponies were waiting for us in front of Applejack's barn. Actually, only four of them were waiting. Rainbow Dash was splayed out on her back and snoring loudly on top of a short hay bale.

“'Bout time ya'll showed up,” Applejack muttered as we came close. “We searched th' whole place, but couldn' find nothin'.”

“What were you looking for?” I asked as I finally stopped moving and took a moment to catch my breath. I needed a smoke.

Twilight's horn glowed and a scroll of paper lifted itself from the ground. “This is a list of the hints that I mentioned. I was pretty sure that the first one lead here, but we haven't found anything that could possibly be a clue.”

I squinted at the floating scroll. Like she'd said earlier, there were four hints scrawled on it:

1. The flame of the Big Apple.

2. Dusty land and sweet disputes.

3. The spire of the light that never warms.

4. A spectral isle in the midst of a blackened glen.

“Did you check the fireplace?” I asked. That seemed logical enough.

“It was the first place that we looked,” Rarity said as she paused in filing her hoof. “And the soot nearly ruined my mane.”

“Ya got hardly any on ya,” Applejack muttered as she rolled her eyes. “Ah swear, yer too friggin' prissy.”

“Caring about my appearance does not make me prissy!” Rarity shot back. “And you should take more care of your own—”

“Shut up, I'm sleepin' here!” Rainbow Dash snapped and rolled over on the hay.

“Time ta git up!” Applejack moved over to Rainbow, cocked a leg back, and bucked the bale right out from under the blue pegasus. Rainbow hit the ground with a dull thump.

“Ow! What the hell was that for?” she asked as she rubbed her sore spine.

“We're tryin' ta figure out how ta git th' Crusaders an' Spike back, 'member?” Applejack said irritatedly. “That includes mah sis. An' Ah bet Scoot'd be happy with how much effort yer givin' right now.”

“That's enough!” Twilight interjected heatedly as things threatened to get violent.

“She started—”

“I'm finishing it! Just drop it and let's focus on moving forward, alright?" She glared at them both for a few seconds, then turned back to me. "Now then, is there anything we could have overlooked in the hint?”

I looked back to the first line on the paper and frowned. I could feel something nagging at the back of my mind. Flame...Big Apple...flame...Big Apple...

“We're in the wrong place,” I announced as I made the connection. “The first clue's in Manehattan.”

“Manehattan?” Applejack looked skeptical. “How d'ya figure that?”

“Well, I...uh...it's hard to explain. Just trust me on this, okay?” I could have kicked myself for that slip. They probably didn't call Manehattan the Big Apple. Naturally, Discord had chosen a hint that would only make sense to a human and couldn't be easily explained.

“Well, what do the other ones mean?” Twilight asked before the orange pony could question me further.

I checked the remaining hints. “Appleloosa,” I said simply after a moment's thought. “And I'm not sure about the last two.”

“Twi', could Ah talk ta ya fer a sec?” Applejack tilted her head at the barn and trotted inside.

Twilight raised an eyebrow and followed. “What's this about?” her voice came clearly a few seconds after she disappeared.

“Ah'm not so sure 'bout this Cog feller. Ah don' trust 'im.”

“Why?”

“He's not tellin' us everythin'.”

“That's hardly surprising, AJ. He's just been thrown into this mess by Discord, what did you expect? He probably just wants to get this whole thing over with and go home. He's trying to be helpful, and we should be grateful that he hasn't just run off already.”

“Ah'm tellin' ya Twi', Ah got a bad feelin' 'bout that colt. He couldn' walk, he didn' give us his real name, it don' look like he's eaten anythin' in a month, an' I don' even wanna know what that smell on 'im is. An' how'd he figure out half o' those hints so fast? Somethin' 'bout him just ain't right.”

“Isn't that kind of like what everypony said about Zecora before we got to know her?”

There was a short pause before Applejack responded. “Naw, this is different. Somethin' 'bout this guy's...wrong. Really wrong.”

Twilight sighed. “Look, I understand what you're saying, but if he'll help get Spike and the others back, I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Can't you put your misgivings aside at least until we can rescue your sister?”

The purple unicorn came back outside without waiting for an answer. Applejack followed more slowly and gave me a wary glance.

“If you're going to have another private conversation in the future, perhaps you should consider lowering your voices,” Rarity pointed out lightly.

“Oh,” Twilight flicked her eyes at me sheepishly. “How much did you hear?”

“Every word,” Fluttershy said quietly.

“Well...uh...moving on.” Twilight's face went red and she cleared her throat. “I think we should split up and try to get two clues at once to make up for the time that we wasted searching here.”

“Is there a time limit for this?” I asked, trying to remember if Discord had mentioned one.

“No, but we shouldn't leave the Crusaders and Spike with Discord any longer than absolutely necessary. Rainbow, Pinkie, Rarity, and Cog, you'll go to Manehattan. Applejack, Fluttershy, and I will head for Appleloosa.”

“Wait a second!” Rainbow flew right up to Twilight. “I'm with Applejack on this. I don't trust Cog.”

Twilight facehoofed. “Oh, for the love of....At least AJ tried to be subtle!”

I sighed heavily. “Alright, none of you trust me. I get it. Can we just move on, now?” I probably should have been more resentful, but I just didn't have the energy to get upset over their suspicion. In truth, I had actually expected worse.

“Well,” Rarity said airily. “I for one am willing to give you a chance before making any kind of judgment. We've only just met you, after all.”

“Yeah!” Pinkie agreed happily. “And 'chance' rhymes with 'prance'!”

“What's that got to do with anything?” Rainbow asked.

“I like prancing!” Pinkie said, a dreamy grin plastered onto her face.

After waiting a few seconds for a further explanation that never came, Twilight cleared her throat again and turned back to Rainbow. “Okay then. If you don't want to go to Manehattan, you'll come with us to Appleloosa and Fluttershy will go with them instead. Everypony clear?” There were nods all around.

“Then let's move out.”

Ch. 3 (The First Step)

Ch. 3 (The First Step)

While Twilight, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack boarded a train that would take them to Appleloosa, the other three and I made a beeline for Manehattan. The city was actually within sight of Ponyville, but in the interest of saving time (and because of the fact that I still couldn't walk very well), we were using Pinkie's hot air balloon.

Rarity had brought along a deck of cards, and she, Pinkie, and Fluttershy were playing Go Fish to pass the time. The pink pony had packed a couple of saddlebags bulging with snacks that were rapidly disappearing into her insatiable mouth.

Rather than joining in their game, I leaned against the side of the basket and stared out at the hilly countryside as it slowly passed beneath. It was a really relaxing way to travel, and the autumn colors offered an interesting contrast to my memories of the Equestrian summer. Everything was both familiar and totally different at the same time.

Now that I had nothing to do except wait for the balloon's enchantment to bring us to our destination, I got to thinking. About my current situation in Equestria. About my current situation on Earth. Was I just screwing around in my head like before, and was my unconscious body just lying on my bathroom floor? Or was something else entirely going on this time? I had a lot of questions and no way to find the answers.

I absentmindedly reached to pull out a cigarette and my lighter, then sighed with disappointment as I realized that I didn't have either of those things. Despite the wonderfully clean air (even with the new emission regulations, you still didn't get much of that in LA), I felt the need to fill my lungs with smoke. Black, deadly, cancer-causing smoke.

You know what would have been really awesome? A magical pocket that contained a carton of unlimited cigarettes. And some way to light them all. Alas, life isn't perfect.

“Cog,” Fluttershy said gently behind me, which jolted me out of my ruminations.

It took me a moment to remember that that was my new name. “Huh?” I turned around and tried to ignore my longing for nicotine. I might as well have tried to ignore gravity.

“Here, eat this.” She timidly pushed a small cupcake toward me across the basket's...whatever you call the “floor” inside a basket.

“No thanks. I'm not hungry.” I was already misleading them all, so I'm not sure why I felt the need to lie about that too. In truth, I was starving.

“Come now,” Rarity flicked her mane back and set her cards down. “I can count your ribs from over here. When was the last time you ate something?”

“I don't eat a lot,” I mumbled, and at least that was true. During my most recent years on Earth, I'd gotten most of my nutrition from booze alone, with real food much less frequently. That was one reason for the smoking; the nicotine kept my appetite in check. But now that my cigarettes were nowhere to be found, my stomach decided that this was the best time to remind me of every skipped meal.

“You know, that's really not healthy,” Fluttershy said, again mindful of my wellbeing.

“Story of my life,” I muttered bitterly.

“Come on, everypony likes cupcakes!” Pinkie said brightly. She already had four different colors of frosting all around her mouth.

“Three against one?” I asked myself. My stomach growled at me. “Four? That's just not fair. Alright, fine, you win.”

I reached out and tried to pick up the cupcake. I didn't succeed, because I was using a hoof. In case you didn't realize this, hooves don't pick stuff up. I actually could kind of grab the thing, but it was like trying to get a grip through an over-padded boxing glove. As I later found out, the trick is to balance the object instead of grabbing it, but at the time I had no idea. Failure.

That cupcake just sat there on the basket-floor-thing, mocking my impotence and lack of fingers. The others noticed what I was doing—or, more accurately, trying to do—and shared a glance.

I ignored them and changed tactics, using both of my front hooves to grip the opposite sides of the cupcake while leaning back on my haunches. That would have worked just fine, but I still hadn't had time to fully adjust to my new body and get my balance completely, so I almost faceplanted when I put both front legs in the air. Failure again.

I was quickly losing my patience with the pastry. So I changed my strategy. Rather than bringing it to my mouth, I brought my mouth to the cupcake. Success! Sorta.

Actually eating the cupcake was really difficult, too. My mouth and teeth were all the wrong shape and size, so it was impossible to make it a clean meal. Pink frosting and crumbs got all over my face and the inside of the basket.

“Well, I suppose that's one way to eat,” Rarity said with a visible wince.

“Sorry 'bout that,” I muttered as I rubbed a hoof across my mouth, which only spread the mess even more.

“Here, let me help,” Rarity levitated a handkerchief (hoofkerchief? I seriously have no idea what they call it) out of Pinkie's saddlebag and wiped at the frosting from my face.

I wriggled out of her grip. “Just 'cause I'm clumsy doesn't make me a bab—where's that noise coming from?”

The others heard it too. We all leaned over the edge of the basket to look for the source of the music, which caused it to tilt dangerously. Thank God/Celestia/Pony Jesus for the safety enchantments that kept us from spilling out.

Below us was Discord, who was moonwalking across one of the taller hills as we passed overhead. He was wearing black sunglasses and held an eighties-style boombox on his shoulder, which was pumping out the sound.

I'm gonna slide it in

Right to the top.

Slide it in

I ain't never gonna stop!

Slide it in

Right to the top

I'm gonna slide it in!

Slide it in!

“What the hell are you doing here?” I called out as the song shifted to the guitar solo. I never would have guessed that he was a Whitesnake fan.

Discord pulled his shades down and fixed his mismatched pupils on me. “I'm just setting the mood, that's all. Is that such a bad thing?”

“What? That's not how you do it!” I shouted with a facehoof. “That's probably the worst song that you could've possibly chosen!”

“Oh really?” Discord wiggled his eyebrows mischievously and pushed a few buttons on his boombox. The music stopped and changed to a bunch of muted chords.

Stacy's mom

Has got it goin' on.

Stacy's mom

Has got it goin' on.

I stood corrected. That is the worst song that he could have chosen to set the mood.

Splat!

“Ow!” Discord dropped his boombox—which cut off the music—and frantically wiped at the pink smear that had appeared across his face. “Who throws a cupcake? Honestly!”

“You want another one?” Rarity challenged as she levitated a second pastry projectile.

“Ooooh, you're going to pay for that!” Discord promised angrily as he stuck his snakelike tongue out, licked all the frosting off himself, and was gone with a throaty gulp.

“Did he just eat himself?” Fluttershy gasped in surprise at the draconequus' sudden departure.

“You know, I've always wondered what would happen if I did that,” Pinkie said and tapped her chin thoughtfully. “I couldn't figure out if I'd make myself twice as big or disappear completely.”

“Pinkie Pie, you are so random,” I muttered. She hadn't changed much.

“Funny, that's what everypony says!”

* * * * *

The rest of the balloon ride was completely uneventful, and we touched down at the city's edge an hour or so after Discord's disappearance.

Manehattan was a far cry from the rural Ponyville. Massive skyscrapers and warehouses made for an uneven skyline and threw long, dark shadows across the land as the sun began to sink toward the west horizon. All of the buildings were shoved against each other with no alleys or passageways between them. Wrought iron grills were fixed on most of the windows.

The residents were different, too. Every pony in sight was wearing some kind of clothing, ranging from those absurdly small almost-tuxedos to fancy ball dresses with matching shoes and jewelery. Top hats, monocles, pearl necklaces, bowties, and stockings abounded. I was suddenly very aware of my uncovered body.

But even more striking than the clothes was the way that the Manehattanites moved. Rather than lazily plodding from one place to another like the Ponyville ponies, the city-dwellers all walked with purposeful strides, as if they all had someplace important to be. None of them spared a moment to stop and ask what we were doing or who we were; they barely acknowledged our arrival at all.

“Where do we go now, Cog?” Rarity asked as she carefully stepped out of the balloon's basket. She looked admiringly at a few of the flashier dresses that the local mares were wearing.

I squinted my eyes and glanced around. “We're looking for a big statue of a pony with a torch. Probably with a spiky thing on its head and carrying a book or tablet or something like that.”

“You mean the Statue of Tranquility?” Fluttershy asked quietly. She shrank away from the city and nervously glanced around at the bustling crowds.

I nodded. “Probably. I'll know it when we see it. Any idea where it is?”

“I do!” Pinkie said much louder than necessary, which attracted a few unfriendly stares. “Follow me!”

We followed the bouncing pink pony through the city's wide roads. Actually, Rarity and Fluttershy followed her and I stumbled along as best I could in the same general direction. I had the stepping pattern down just fine, but doing it quickly was difficult even without other pedestrians in the street. As it was, I bumped into a few of the upper-class ponies, who all growled at me to watch where I was going and stay out of their way.

I would have fallen behind, but Pinkie kept getting distracted by the sights of Manehattan. She was constantly pressing her face against store windows and staring hungrily at the cafes that were serving dinner early. Normally this would have annoyed me, but now it gave me the perfect opportunity to catch up.

Eventually, we found the Statue of Tranquility standing on a long river wharf. Despite having never been in New York, I instantly recognized the ponified monument.

The massive green mare rose on a giant pedestal until she was above most of the nearby buildings. Her stern face, pointy crown, and flowing robe were extremely detailed, but I was much more interested in the torch that she held aloft. Unlike the American version, this statue had an actual fire burning in its grip.

“We need to get up there,” I said and pointed at the yellow flame. “That's where the clue is.”

“How are we going to do that?” Fluttershy asked with yet another paranoid look around.

“There's a way up inside the statue, silly!” Pinkie said cheerfully, then her eyes went wide as she got sidetracked once more. “Ooooh, churros! I'll be right back!”

I just rolled my eyes and kept heading for the statue while Pinkie pestered the churro vender. The sun had sunk further during our journey, and the dark shadows on the monument's face made it look like the giant mare was frowning directly at me, as if she didn't want us to find Discord's clue.

Ignoring the statue's glower, we made our way to the base of its pedestal. Near one of the corners was a door set in the stone. A wide sign hung on the door:

CLOSED TO THE PUBLIC
RENOVATIONS IN PROGRESS

There was absolutely no indication of renovating anywhere.

“Are...are you s-s-sure about this?” Fluttershy asked in a terrified whisper as I pushed the door open. “W-what if we g-get caught?”

“We won't if we hurry,” I said and stepped inside. Rarity followed, then came a smiling Pinkie Pie who pulled the reluctant pegasus in by her tail.

Inside the statue's base was a twisting metal staircase, which we quickly climbed. For a few minutes, there was nothing interesting to see and no sound except our echoing hoofsteps on the stairs. The place seemed to be deserted and nopony followed us in.

Eventually, the stairs ended and we were standing in a small room inside the statue's crown. A line of windows let us look out at the city and the pedestrians three hundred feet below.

I turned to the rightmost window and looked up. There was the flaming torch in the statue's hoof about another fifty feet in the air.

I tapped my hoof against the glass and thought. “How are we gonna get up there?” I mumbled to myself. I hadn't planned this far ahead.

“I know!” Pinkie shouted and stuck her face into her saddlebag. “I've got the perfect thing...now where is it?”

She pulled a couple of books, a brass horseshoe, a velvet fez, a box of donuts, a giant rusty anchor, and a big flashlight out of the bag. A blue bowling ball fell out as well and rolled right down the stairs in a series of loud metallic clunks.

“What in Celestia's name are you looking for?” Rarity asked and glanced nervously after the bowling ball. It was still making a lot of noise.

“C'mon, c'mon,” Pinkie muttered as she dug even deeper. “I know it's in here somewhere...that's not it.”

“Is that a gun?” I asked in surprise as she pulled out what looked like a pink pistol.

“It's my Colt 1911!” she said proudly. “Look what happens when I pull the trigger!”

The thing started vibrating violently and shook the pink pony up and down like a jackhammer. Her eyes went blurry and her mane jiggled in absurd directions. It looked like she was possessed or something.

“Ttthhhiiisss mmmaaaakkeeeessssss mmmyyyy vvvvoooooiiicccceee sssooooouunddd sssiiilllllllyyyyy!” she said happily as she bounced out of control. “Iiiitttt hhhaaaassss eeeiiiggggghhtttteeeeeeeeennnnn dddiiiifffffeeerreeeennnttt ssseeeettttttttiiiiiinnnnggssssss!”

Rarity levitated the vibrator out of Pinkie's grip. “We're in the middle of something important, remember?” she prompted her friend as she turned off the pink thing and set it down. I noticed that she looked at the Colt a little too long and intently as she did so.

“Oh, right!” Pinkie said with a smile as her eyes spun around in different directions. She stuck her head back into her saddlebag, then gave an “Aha!” a moment later and pulled out a long coil of thick rope.

“That'll work,” I said appreciatively as Pinkie put everything back into her bag, minus the bowling ball. “Now, about this window...”

“I'll handle this,” Rarity said as her horn glowed blue. With a small fuzzy pop, the glass twisted itself out of the frame and gently set itself down on the floor. A soft autumn breeze wafted inside.

“Perfect. Now, Fluttershy, could you...Fluttershy?”

The pegasus was cowering in a corner as far away from the windows as possible. She was shaking nearly as much as Pinkie had a minute before.

“What's wrong?” Pinkie asked the panic-stricken yellow pony. Her smile had faded to a concerned expression.

“I...I'm..I'm just...” her trembling voice faded away to a terrified squeak.

“What was that?” I asked and leaned closer to hear better.

“I'm s-s-sc...sca...h-h...”

“What?” Rarity asked with a frown.

“I-I'm sc-scared of h-h-heights!”

I could have given myself a concussion with the force of my facehoof. “Oh, for fuck's sake! You have wings! You can fly! How the hell could you possibly be afraid of heights?”

Fluttershy squeaked again and shoved herself even further into the corner. She screwed her eyes shut and shook harder than ever. Rarity and Pinkie both gave me disapproving looks.

I sighed heavily and deliberately lowered my voice. “Look, I'm sorry, I shouldn't've said that. But there's no reason to be scared! Even if you fall, just flap your wings and you'll be fine. Now, we need you to fly up to the torch and tie the rope to something so we can get up there. Can you pull yourself together and help us out so we can find whatever Discord left for us and get outta here?”

For a minute, it looked like Fluttershy would refuse and we would have to come up with another plan. Then she slowly uncurled her legs, stood up, and hesitantly flapped her wings until she was hovering a few inches off the floor. She swallowed hard and nodded.

With a few more flaps, she was at the open window. She balked at the edge. She looked down and whimpered slightly. Well, three hundred feet is a long way down.

“You can do it!” Pinkie said encouragingly. “Don't worry about a thing, 'cause every little thing is gonna be alright!”

“O-okay,” Fluttershy mumbled as she picked up one end of the rope in her mouth. She gulped again and bravely flew out the glassless window.

A couple of minutes later, Fluttershy had tied the rope and, with a little more help from Rarity's magic, the four of us were standing on top of the torch. The yellow pegasus kept her hooves firmly on the metal surface and stayed far away from the edges.

The torch's top was a flat round platform with a large indentation in the middle from which came the tall golden flame. It wasn't very hot, considering how close we were to the fire and that we were standing on metal, and I briefly wondered what kind of magic was keeping us from feeling the heat. But we had a clue to find, and that's what I dedicated my attention to.

“What exactly are we looking for?” Rarity asked as she glanced around.

“I dunno,” I replied and turned back to searching. “Anything unusual. Anything that seems out of place.”

* * * * *

We examined that platform for fifteen minutes without success. That might not sound like a long time, but it took less than thirty seconds to search the entire thing. We looked at the parts that we could walk on, the part that the fire was on, the fire itself, and even gazed out over the city in every direction. Not one detail was overlooked, but we couldn't find the clue.

I gave a frustrated sigh and looked over the edge of the torch toward the river below. The water didn't have an answer for us either. A few small boats drifted along in the current or pulled up to a distant pier on the other side of the water.

I rubbed my hoof against the edge of the platform and tried to think of what we could be doing wrong. Nothing presented itself to me.

My frown got deeper and I rubbed my hoof harder. That felt weird, like whoever had put the thing together hadn't bothered to make that part smooth. It seemed like there were a lot of really unprofessional welds in that particular spot. Well, it's toward the water, so it's not like anyone's ever gonna look at this bit too closely. The construction team probably didn't bother to...wait a minute...

I lowered myself to the platform and hung my head over the side to see what my hoof had been rubbing against. My glasses tried to fall off, but I grabbed them at the last moment, pressed them against my face, and looked again.

“I found it!” I called out as I looked at the letters that jutted out of the metal. That was really odd, they didn't seem to—

“Stop right there, criminal scum!” came a deep voice behind me.

Aw, shit. I quickly read over the message again. It didn't make a bit of sense, but I didn't have time to dwell on that.

I stood back up and turned around just as the others retreated to my position. Rarity looked scared, Fluttershy was utterly terrified, and Pinkie was scowling at the source of the voice. When I saw who it was, I couldn't blame them.

Six muscular pegasus stallions in black armor had landed on the torch and were slowly advancing toward us. A few more were circling in the air to cut off any retreat. I hadn't noticed any of them arrive.

“It's no use trying to run,” the foremost guard said unnecessarily in the same harsh voice that had spoken before. He was dark brown with a deep blue mane and tail, and he was bulkier than the others. He sneered at us out of his pointy helmet as he took another step forward.

“Give yerselves up, an' we won' make things too painful fer ya,” another pegasus said nastily, which brought a few chuckles from the others.

I looked around to try and find some way to escape. There was no way in hell that we could fight our way out—even if I'd been fully confident in my ability to control my own body, we were badly outnumbered—and I really didn't want to end my day by learning what the punishment for trespassing was. But there didn't seem to be any alternative.

“Anypony got any bright ideas?” I asked quietly as the guards came even closer. Rarity muttered something into Pinkie's ear, and the earth pony dipped her head into her saddlebag.

Rarity put her head right next to mine and whispered out of the corner of her mouth as Pinkie continued to rummage around. “Cog, I know that we've only just met, but do you trust me?”

I glanced from her to the guards and back again. Well, it's gotta be worth a shot, I thought to myself as I nodded.

“Do you surrender?” the lead stallion demanded seriously. He was getting pretty damn close.

“You'll never take us alive, coppers!” Pinkie shrieked as she whipped her head out of her bag. What looked like a silver grenade flew into the air over the advancing pegasi, leaving the pin behind in her mouth.

My vision flashed completely white and something shoved me backwards off the platform. I couldn't see or hear anything other than a sudden sharp ringing in my ears, but I clearly felt myself falling.

And falling.

And falling.

My eyesight slowly recovered, and I could barely make out the shape of Rarity as she fell right after me. The air whipped her mane around and she had her eyes shut tight. Her horn was faintly glowing with magical energy. Further away were the pegasus guards, who were all flying around in confused circles. Two of them actually collided, but caught themselves before they too could fall down.

The air shimmered and sparkled as the four of us fell towards the river. Rather than speeding up and smacking into the water's surface at terminal velocity, we seemed to be slowing down. Yes, our speed was definitely reducing itself.

That's twice now that Rarity's saved me from falling to death, I dimly thought to myself as we gently reached the choppy waves.

As we touched the water, it pushed itself away and formed a bubble around us as we sank beneath the surface. It closed up over us in a perfect liquid sphere with plenty of air inside.

The light from Rarity's horn illuminated the sudden darkness. Fish swam away from us and underwater plants swayed in the current. Everything in sight was distorted and shifted around erratically. It felt really weird to be underwater without some sort of submersible and not be wet.

The glowing grew stronger and we stopped sinking. Rarity turned her head and we started moving sideways, right into a large pipe that stuck out of the artificial wall. The twisted remains of a broken grate hung off the end and stabbed out into the river, but the hole was big enough for us to pass right through. If I had to guess, it was probably some kind of storm drain meant to keep the Manehattan's roads from flooding during unusually heavy rain.

After a minute or so of traveling along the pipe's slightly-upward slope, we broke out of the water with a quiet splash. The light faded away and the four of us fell out of the air onto the slippery metal interior of the drain as the spell ended. After a few seconds of total darkness, the place was illuminated again, this time by the yellow beam of the flashlight that Pinkie pulled out of her bag again.

Rarity had collapsed into a sitting position, and she was breathing hard. A few beads of sweat trickled down her neck. Despite being clearly exhausted from the magic, she gave me a wide smile.

“Well, I think we gave them the slip,” she said brightly. Her voice echoed in the cramped pipe.

“Yeah,” I muttered and rubbed at my ears. They were still ringing.

“I hope we never have to do that again,” Fluttershy mumbled as she got to her hooves and tried to keep from slipping on the slime. When she started sliding, she flapped her wings to get above the ooze and hovered in place.

“I've still got two more of these things in case we do,” Pinkie said unconcernedly as she waved her flashlight around the pipe. “Where do you think this thing goes?”

“Let's find out,” Rarity said as she tried to stand up. Her wobbling legs gave out and she fell forward onto the grime with a soft cry of disgust. She began to slide backward towards the water.

I reached my neck out and bit her mane (it was strange how naturally that action came) to stop her from slipping away. She scrabbled to find some kind of traction, but there wasn't anything for her hooves—or mine, for that matter—to get a firm grip on.

With my teeth still clamped onto Rarity's hair, I looked at Fluttershy and jerked my head toward the part of the pipe that didn't end in water. The pegasus nodded and swooped down to bite my tail. She pulled me, I pulled Rarity, and Pinkie grabbed Rarity's legs as we slid past. Teamwork!

It was a struggle for Fluttershy to pull the three of us (well, two and a half if you count my distinct lack of weight), but before long we came to a spot where the side of the pipe had been cut away and a stone staircase twisted upward. Before climbing them, we sat down on the lowest steps to take a quick rest.

“Ugh!” Rarity groaned in dismay at the muck that covered her chest and belly. Her once-white coat was stained a dark brownish green.

“It would be worse in prison,” I pointed out quickly before she could complain in earnest.

“Perhaps,” she muttered tiredly as she tried to wipe some of the grime away. “So, Cog, what was the clue that you found?”

“Oh, right. It was...uh...oh. Shit.” I struggled to recall what I'd seen. I tapped a grimy hoof against my forehead and tried to force my brain to cooperate.

“It was a bunch of letters, but they weren't words. They were...T, N, H, U....No, that's wrong. There was a C in there...maybe a...Fuck! I can't remember!” I hit my head harder, but that didn't help in the least.

“Are we gonna have to go back there?” Pinkie asked incredulously.

“No, we can't and we won't have to,” Rarity said as her horn glowed again. “Cog, relax your mind.”

“What are you—”

Suddenly my vision changed. Fluttershy was flying backwards and we were all going down the pipe, but I didn't feel myself leave the stairs. Rarity was levitating us back into the water, then we were falling upwards toward the Statue of Tranquility's torch. My view went hazy and then completely white.

As the whiteness abruptly disappeared and Pinkie's flashbang reattached itself to its pin, I realized what had happened; Rarity was rewinding my memories like a movie. That's a neat trick, I thought as the black-clad pegasus guards stepped away.

“There it is,” I said out loud as I saw Discord's clue again and the memory froze in place. “Perfect, I can see the whole thing. Do any of you have something to write with?”

“Yeah,” came Pinkie's unseen reply, then a moment later I felt something small and round being stuck into my mouth (insert your own joke here) and a piece of paper under my hoof.

It felt weird to be looking at something completely disconnected from what was going on at the moment. It was almost as weird trying to write with my mouth while being effectively blind, but I somehow knew that I was doing a pretty good job of it. I think I'm getting the hang of this pony stuff, I mused.

I spat the pencil out when I finished. “Alright, that's it,” I said, then my vision flashed back to the present. I could see the stairs, the flashlight, and the three other ponies.

Just like I'd thought, my mouthwriting (is that even a thing?) was fairly neat and nothing was out of order. Something told me that it wasn't due to the magic, or at least it wasn't entirely because of it. But just because it was readable didn't make it any less confusing.

TSNLCOU HET YCMSIT ERMA

Rarity groaned and rubbed at the base of her horn, spreading the offending slime even further as she did so. “I think my head's going to explode,” she mumbled.

“Are you okay?” I asked in concern. She looked really worn out.

“I'll be alright,” she said feebly. “Just a little too much magic that I'm not properly trained in. But don't worry, I'm fine. What did you see? Are we a step closer to finding my sister?”

“Sorta.” I turned the paper toward her and the other two so that they could read it.

A few moments of silence passed as they looked at the clue and tried to figure out what the words were supposed to tell us. Judging by their faces, they were just as baffled as I was.

“What does it mean?” Rarity and Fluttershy asked at the same time.

“I have no idea,” I admitted. “Maybe we should—”

“I've got it!” Pinkie shouted excitedly and grabbed the paper. The pencil in her mouth moved in a blur and a few seconds later a much clearer message was written beneath the clue:

CONSULT THE MYSTIC MARE

“How did you do that?” I asked in surprise.

“You just had to rearrange the letters, silly!” Pinkie said with a giggle.

You know, things like that seem so obvious in hindsight.

Ch. 4 (Mystic)

It didn't take long to climb up the stairs and get back to the surface. Since Rarity was still tired from all the magic that she'd used, I was carrying her on my back. It felt fitting, considering that she'd done the same for me after I'd broken my leg all those years before, but of course I couldn't mention that.

“I do hope that we can find some place to wash up,” she griped and tried to wipe away some of the slime that stained her coat. Unsurprisingly, that didn't help at all.

I ignored her complaining and pushed open the door at the top of the stairs. That brought us outside and we emerged from a small brick pylon that seemed to serve no purpose other than to access the drainpipe that we'd come from. I suppose the ponies couldn't use manholes because they don't have fingers to climb ladders with.

“Ahhh, fresh air,” Fluttershy sighed in relief and took a deep breath.

The sun was low enough in the sky that the tall buildings of Manehattan blocked it from view. The shadows brought on a premature darkness, which was mostly kept in check by the numerous streetlamps and brightly lit windows. Still, it didn't seem like a good idea to be outside when the night truly began. Most of the pedestrians had disappeared, and the few that were still in sight hurried on their way.

“I wonder if there's a cheap hotel around here,” I muttered to myself and looked around. I didn't recognize any of the buildings surrounding us; if we'd been here earlier, I didn't remember it at all.

“There's a good one over this way,” Pinkie said brightly and began bouncing down the street to the left. “I stayed there last time I was here.”

I glanced to Fluttershy and Rarity, who both shrugged. We trudged onward.

While I trotted after the pink pony, I pondered the clue that we'd found on the Statue of Tranquility. Consult the mystic mare...consult the mystic mare....What the hell does that mean? I asked myself over and over, but the answer didn't come.

I frowned and thought some more as I walked on. Something about that clue just wasn't right. It seemed...well, it was too straightforward. I had no idea who or what the “mystic mare” was, but if we were to talk to her/it, that would be the end of it. If there were supposed to be four clues to follow, why would the first one give us such concise and definite directions?

This doesn't make any sense, I said to myself. Big surprise there.

The side of one of the buildings that we walked by was completely plastered with posters and fliers. Most were just advertisements for stores, such as Chrysanthemum's Flower Shop and Pinhead's Acupuncture Treatments, none of which looked very interesting. There was also some garage band called The Bed Cot Filly Papers looking for a drummer, but that flier didn't catch my attention for more than a few seconds either.

Just as I was about to dismiss the whole wall as a massive waste of paper, the massive blue poster in the very center made me stop right in my tracks and stare.

COME ONE, COME ALL!

WITNESS UNIMAGINABLE FEATS: THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS!!

WATCH IN AWE AND TREMBLE IN REVERENCE!!!

THE INCREDIBLE AND OMNIPOTENT TRIXIE!!!!

This week only at the Prestige Theater

Under the giant letters and excessive exclamation marks was a picture of a blue unicorn with magenta eyes and a pale silvery-blue mane. Her purple cape billowed around her as she levitated an enormous hacksaw over a terrified-looking pony who was trapped up to his neck in a wooden box, obviously with the intent of cutting him in half. Despite her victim's frozen scream of fright, Trixie was looking straight out of the poster with that smug grin that I remembered so well.

“Cog?” Rarity muttered tiredly from my back, which dragged me back to the present.

“Huh? Oh, right.” I realized that I'd completely stopped to ogle the poster. I started walking again toward the impatiently waiting Pinkie. I cast another look at Trixie's painted smile as I passed.

Just as full of herself as ever, I thought to myself, but I could feel the gears in my head whirling around in a frenzy. If I was putting the pieces of the puzzle together right, I knew exactly what I needed to do next.

As I plodded along, I debated whether to tell them about what was going through my mind or not. If I did, they might either confirm or disperse my hunch, but then they would insist on coming with me when I talked to Trixie. On the other hoof, if I didn't tell them and they didn't come along...

I decided right then to keep quiet. I'll just have to find some excuse to slip away, I told myself and resolved to do so when the opportunity presented itself. After we got a place to stay, of course.

We followed Pinkie's hopping trail to a small family-operated hotel a few blocks away from the poster. The owner was a bulky orange unicorn stallion who gave us more than one suspicious look for showing up covered in muck, but he had the decency to keep his misgivings to himself. After a little haggling over the price—Pinkie pulled a small pouch of bits out of her saddlebag to pay for it—he handed over our room key.

The room was fairly neat and clean, if not very big or fancy. But that was hardly surprising, considering that it cost only twenty bits for the night. The first thing that I noticed was that there were only two beds and few spare cushions.

Guess that means I get the floor, I grumbled to myself as Rarity climbed off my back and headed for the attached bathroom to get cleaned up.

* * * * *

After we all had a chance to take a quick bath and wash the slime off, we ate a small dinner that consisted entirely of sweets and pastries that Pinkie pulled out of her bag (I seriously have no idea how she kept so much stuff in there or how it didn't fall out, so don't ask). My attempt to eat this time was much more successful than my fight with the cupcake in the hot air balloon. My control over my hooves and mouth had grown significantly in the past few hours.

Two other things had also grown significantly: my need for cigarettes and my craving for alcohol. I'm not one of those guys who says “I can quit anytime I want” or other bullshit excuses like that—I know when I'm addicted to something. But admitting that you have a problem doesn't make it go away.

“Cog?” Fluttershy nervously asked as she finished her last cookie.

“What?” I asked back and tried to push away the urge to destroy my lungs and liver.

“Well...y-you see, it's...it's just that...I-I mean, we...” she paused and looked to the others for support, but they didn't seem to know where she was going with this. “W-what I mean to say is...we...we r-really don't know a lot about you, s-since we met you only this m-morning. I-I was just wondering, i-if it's alright...c-co-couldyoumaybetellusalittlemoreaboutyourself?” she finished quickly, as if speaking faster would prevent me from going on a murderous rampage or something.

Rarity slowly nodded in agreement. “I suppose we should all do a bit of personal sharing, actually. We never did get around to proper introductions.”

“Oooh, oooh, I wanna go first!” Pinkie said excitedly. “I'm Pinkie Pie, and I throw parties! Lots of parties! I like cupcakes, bungee jumping, dancing, pranks, ice skating, cupcakes, telling jokes, singing, bobsledding, cupcakes, playing my kazoo, cupcakes, cupcakes, cupcakes, cupcakes, cupcakes, and...and...uh...” She paused and looked really confused for a moment.

“What was the last one?” she muttered to herself and rubbed at her chin thoughtfully. Then she perked right back up with an even bigger grin. “Oh, I remember now! Cupcakes! I love cupcakes!”

“Erm...yes,” Rarity said quietly. “We gathered that, darling. Anyway, I happen to be the owner of Ponyville's finest dress boutique. I've designed and created outfits for quite a few celebrities.” She said that last part with quite a bit of pride.

“I-I take care of animals,” Fluttershy said hesitantly. She didn't elaborate and the three of them looked at me expectantly.

Luckily, I'd spent some time during the balloon ride planning how to handle these questions. If you're going to make up a whole new identity for yourself, you need to be ready for a little scrutiny. A little preparation goes a long way.

“There's not a whole lot to say, really. I'm just a tinker from Fillydelphia, nopony important." The simplest lies are the easiest ones to remember. Adding too many details just makes it easier to screw up later on.

Rarity raised an eyebrow. “Just a tinker? Then why did Discord insist on making us bring you with us? Not that I'm complaining!” she amended herself quickly. “I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but....I mean, if it weren't for you, we might not have ever found the first clue.”

"Maybe that's why," Fluttershy offered slowly. "Maybe he set up the clues in such a way that only Cog can find them."

I shrugged. “I dunno what he was thinking. Does he usually have a reason for what he does?” Again I shifted the focus away from myself.

“Not really,” Rarity admitted with a frown. “His actions didn't make a lot of sense the last time he was free. But he didn't resort to ponynapping back then, either. Why would he take my sister away like that? And how did he capture her in the first place?”

“He told her that he'd captured you, actually,” I explained, turning back to the truth for the moment. “He made it look like he was holding you, Twilight, and Rainbow Dash hostage. Then he caught her and the others when they tried to rescue you and sent me to Ponyville.” It would definitely be best to not elaborate on what my role had been in that.

“What?” her eyes blazed with sudden anger. “The nerve! Of all the underhanded tricks...”

“We'll get them back!” Fluttershy said quickly to calm her down. “We'll beat Discord and then we can all go back to Ponyville together. Isn't that right, Pinkie Pie? Pinkie?”

Pinkie was flat on her back and fast asleep. That at least explained why she hadn't said anything recently.

“I can't believe it,” Rarity muttered venomously to herself as she levitated the pink pony into one of the beds and tucked her in. “To make her think that she's doing something to help and then use her as bait...”

“We'll get her back,” I echoed Fluttershy. “We just need to work out the rest of the clues and find out where Discord's keeping her. I wonder how the others are doing in Appleloosa.” That was yet another deliberate action on my part, this time to draw her attention away from Discord and toward her other friends. I seem to have a knack for that kind of thing.

“I'll write Twilight a letter in the morning,” Rarity said, her voice heavy with fatigue. “She taught me a spell to send messages right to her on the chance that we would be separated and have to communicate, just like this. I imagine that was a part of her decision to send me here with you. But first, we should all get a good night's sleep.”

* * * * *

I had to wait for about two hours before I was absolutely sure that all three mares were asleep. Pinkie Pie was obviously already out like a light, but Rarity tossed and turned and muttered to herself for a while before finally losing consciousness. Conversely, Fluttershy was so still and quiet that I couldn't detect any change from her at all.

Fluttershy was sharing Pinkie's bed and Rarity had the other one all to herself, naturally. I had only had a single lumpy cushion to lie down on and no blanket, but I didn't really mind the discomfort. Accidentally falling asleep while waiting for them to drift off would have been disastrous.

After keeping still and listening to their even breathing for a few minutes, I slowly got to my hooves. I carefully crossed the dark room and slipped out the door, taking extreme care to not lock myself out.

Once I got outside our room, I made my way to the hotel's abandoned lobby. The wide mahogany desk there had a small stack of maps for tourists, complete with common destinations clearly marked. The Prestige Theater was only a few streets away, as it happened, and I let myself out through the front door.

The night air outside was a little chilly and the wind blew scraps of litter down the deserted street. The quarter-full moon was partially obscured by a thin layer of clouds, and the city lights made it impossible to see any stars. There were still a few ponies in sight who walked along, probably to some fancy club or something like that, but the entire place still felt cold and lifeless.

I hurried down the street in the theater's direction. I wanted to get it all over with and sneak back before the others had a chance to wake up. They would either panic or get suspicious if they found that I was gone—I wasn't quite sure which one it would be, and I really didn't want to find out.

After a few twists and turns, I found myself outside the Prestige Theater. It was a long brick building with a sloped roof of red tile. Rather than electrical bulbs, the theater's outside lights were golden braziers filled with bright red fire. The front door was shut and a large “Closed” sign hung on it.

But I was more interested in the large wooden carriage that was parked next to the theater. It was painted light blue with gold trim around the edges and had a large star-tipped wand sprinkling silver dust emblazoned on the side. It didn't take a genius to figure out who owned it. (Hint: it's not Pamela Anderson.)

In front of the carriage's door stood two stallions. The one on the left was a lanky brown pegasus with a dark orange mane and tail and a large blue star for a stud stamp. The other was a stout green unicorn with white hair and a picture of an hourglass on his hip. Both of them wore black vests and dark sunglasses, despite the lack of sun.

“'Scuse me,” I said as I approached. “I'm looking f—”

“For Trixie,” the pegasus cut me off sharply. “Is she expecting you?”

“Well, no, bu—”

“Then shove off!” the orange pony said with a nasty sneer.

“Yeah, shove off!” the unicorn repeated.

“Shut up!” the pegasus snapped and hoofed him hard on the shoulder.

“Ow! What the hay was that for?” the unicorn guard asked as he rubbed at the injury.

“I've told you a million times, Minty, stop copying me!”

“Okay, Sirius,” Minty said submissively. He sounded hurt in more ways than one.

Sirius snorted derisively and turned back to me. “What are you still doing here? Get lost!”

“Look, I need to see Trixie,” I said firmly. “It's important.”

“Forget about it. She already performed tonight and she's not seeing any visitors right now.”

“Yeah,” Minty added unenthusiastically. “So get going before we dump your sorry plot in some gutter. Somewhere.”

Sirius just slowly turned his head and stared with a frown. Minty fidgeted uncomfortably for a few seconds.

“What?” the short unicorn finally asked.

“That was the worst threat I've ever heard,” Sirius said. “How did you even get into security in the first place?”

Minty seemed to brighten up a bit. “Well, my first security job was for my brother Truffle's candy shop. See, he didn't want any foals eating the stuff without paying, so he had me—”

“That was a rhetorical question,” Sirius deadpanned.

“Oh.” Minty's ears drooped sadly.

The pegasus sighed in exasperation. “Minty, you really need to work on your technique. You're not threatening enough.”

“I'd get more practice if you didn't scare off everypony before I get the chance to,” Minty grumbled. Sirius either didn't hear that or he chose to ignore it.

“Could I at least get a message to Trixie?” I asked now that their banter had died down again.

“Listen, you little...” Sirius started, then stopped and turned to the other guard. “Minty, you tell him off.”

“Why me?” the unicorn whined. He suddenly looked a little scared.

“You just said that you don't get enough practice, dimwit. Here's a perfect chance to get some.”

“O-okay,” Minty said in a perfect imitation of Fluttershy, then set his face toward me. He rolled his shoulders a few times and planted his hooves firmly. Then he reset his sunglasses so that they were a little closer to the end of his nose. Then he messed with his mane and pulled a few stray strands into place. While he was at it, he scratched at his neck. Then he had to set his hooves in place again.

“Get on with it!” Sirius snarled.

“Oh, r-right,” Minty muttered miserably. He cleared his throat a few times. “L-look, s-sir, Trixie's not...I-I mean, s-she told us that she doesn't want to...that is...” His voice trailed off when I didn't move.

Sirius facehoofed. “Oh, for the love of....You need to get angry! Call him names! Threaten to smash his face in if he doesn't leave!”

“Uh, I'll smash your face in if you don't leave?” Minty said halfheartedly with an apologetic smile.

“You really need to work on this,” I said flatly. This whole thing was oddly entertaining, but I still had a magician to talk to.

Sirius facehoofed again. “Minty, I'm not gonna lie. You suck at this.”

“I can do this!” Minty insisted defensively. “Just give me a chance—”

“You've had your chance!” the pegasus snapped. “Now shut up and sit your fat plot down! Nopony likes a stupid whiner who can't even tell some scrawny little colt to keep walking!”

“You shut up!” Minty shouted angrily. His ears and tail drooped immediately after the words left his mouth.

“What did you just say?” Sirius asked dangerously. I took advantage of his distraction to move a few steps to the side.

“Y-y-you heard me!” Minty said, bravely standing his ground. “I said to shut up!”

“Well, I guess it's a start,” Sirius said indifferently. “Definitely an improvement, but you need to work on your—”

“Shut up!” Minty yelled at him again, more fiercely than before. “I've heard enough for one night!”

“Now you're getting it!” the pegasus said appreciatively. “That's good, now get this guy to—”

“Don't tell me what to do!” the green pony snapped furiously. He was practically steaming with sudden rage. “I'm tired of you ordering me around like this! If you try to get me to do one more thing, I will rip your fucking head off and SHIT DOWN YOUR NECK!”

It's not often that you hear a pony swear like that (Rainbow Dash and myself excluded, of course), and Minty sounded like he really meant it. Truth be told, I felt a touch of trepidation just from being near this little outburst. I quickly took a few more steps, hoping to circle around them and sneak up to Trixie's carriage without them noticing.

Sirius looked a bit nervous as well. “Settle down, that's a little too fa—”

And that's when Minty hoofed him right between the eyes. It wasn't enough to knock him down, but the blow did snap his shades right at the bridge and the broken pieces fell off his nose. As it turns out, Sirius' eyes were dark blue.

“DON'T TELL ME TO SETTLE DOWN!” Minty screamed right into Sirius' stunned face as he threw his own sunglasses on the ground (yellow eyes). “WHAT IF I DON'T WANT TO SETTLE DOWN?! DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT, YOU WORTHLESS COCKBITE?!”

The two guards just stared at each other for a few seconds. Minty was glaring. Sirius was still in shock. I was frozen in place, watching them.

Then, without warning, Minty threw himself down on the ground and started crying. And by “crying,” I mean that he was letting out huge, heaving sobs that left him gasping for air.

“I-I'm sorry!” Minty forced out between heavy breaths as he grabbed Sirius' front hooves and held on. “I didn't...didn't mean it! I'm s-so...so sorry!”

Sirius and I just looked at the distressed unicorn. Then we glanced at each other. Then we dropped our eyes to the green pony again. The situation had suddenly become extremely awkward.

The pegasus knelt down and lifted Minty's head so that they were looking into each other's eyes again. His face softened into a gentle, brotherly expression.

And then he kissed Minty.

Minty looked just as taken aback by this as I was, but didn't pull away. Rather, it looked like...yeah, he started kissing back. Pretty enthusiastically, too. I'm pretty sure there was a little tongue-action going on at that moment.

I shifted my weight, a little uncomfortable at all the sudden changes that had just happened. One second Minty was a little dog with its tail tucked between its legs, then he was screaming like a bat out of hell, then straight-up violent, then a blubbering wreck, and now he was making out with the guy who was responsible for that? Talk about an emotional rollercoaster.

The security ponies both noticed that I was still standing there. Without breaking their lip-grip, they both got to their hooves and slowly backed away. They disappeared around the far corner of the theater.

I just stood there and stared at where they'd gone. I blinked a few times and tried to kick my brain back into working order, but it refused to comply. The only thought that went through my head was a single confused question:

What the hell just happened?

* * * * *

It took a good ten minutes to reboot my mind and get back to the task at hand. At least now those two were out of the way and I could do what I had to do.

I frowned and concentrated on the blue carriage in front of me. I hadn't noticed before, but it was shaking almost imperceptibly and there was an extremely faint buzzing noise coming from inside. That was a little strange.

After a moment's mental preparation, I lifted my hoof and loudly knocked on the carriage's door a few times. The buzzing abruptly stopped and there was a creak from inside as the unseen occupant shifted her weight.

“Who dares to disturb the Incredible and Omnipotent Trixie?” came that haughty, slightly annoyed voice that stirred up a few distant memories.

“Special delivery from a secret admirer,” I answered while rolling my eyes. Pandering to someone's ego is usually a pretty effective way to get them to do what you want.

A few seconds of silence passed, then the door's latch glowed with blue light for a moment and there was a sharp metallic click.

“Enter,” Trixie's voice commanded curtly.

I pushed the door open and was immediately struck by how blue the inside of the carriage was. Everything from the carpet to the walls to the stack of books in the corner to the flames in the gas lamps were all shades of blue. It's one thing to have a favorite color, but Trixie had completely jumped the shark with a flaming motorcycle when it came to choosing her decor.

“I don't see a package,” Trixie said warily as I stepped inside. I hadn't noticed her at first because she blended right into her surroundings without her purple cape and hat. She was lying down on a light blue cushion with a dark blue book open in front of her.

“Yeah, I lied,” I said simply as I kicked the door shut behind me with a snap.

She narrowed her eyes into a glare. “In that case, Trixie commands you to leave her carriage at once! Begone! Where are those useless guards when I need them?”

“They're probably nailing each other behind a dumpster right about now,” I said with a shrug. “Anyway, I need to talk to you. It's been a long time since we last saw each other.”

Trixie blinked a few times and cocked her head in confusion. “Ummm...have we met? I don't recall making your acquaintance.”

“Can't say I'm surprised. It was a while back in Ponyville. You'd heard certain rumors about someone that brought you there. You were looking to challenge a certain guy, and you didn't take it well when he turned you down. So you forced him into competing and he beat you at your own game.”

Her eyebrows went up and she nodded slowly. “You mean the human. Were you there to see our contest?”

“Not exactly.” I took a deep breath before continuing. “I was in the contest. I'm the human.”

Trixie snorted. “What? Oh, of all the ridiculous things that anypony's ever...wait.” She cut off her own scoffing and looked me over again, more carefully this time. “You're serious, aren't you?”

“Serious as a heart attack,” I confirmed. “You need proof? After you disappeared from the stage, you waited in the library and tried to sneak up on me with an invisibility spell. I said that you were breathing too loud.” That was a detail that I could remember particularly well for some reason.

The blue unicorn's mouth hung open slightly as she digested this. Then she narrowed her eyes dangerously and shifted slightly on her cushion.

“Say that again,” she ordered and her horn glowed softly. I could feel something going on in my brain, as if someone had dumped a bucket of ice water on my frontal lobe.

“I'm Jesse, the human,” I repeated while trying to ignore the odd prickling sensation in my head. Must be some kind of lie-detecting spell, I guessed.

The cold feeling stopped abruptly. The light around the mare's horn faded away, then it shot out a small green spark that drifted lazily to the floor before disappearing as well. Trixie blinked rapidly and gave a small gasp of surprise.

“Jesse,” she breathed after a few seconds, then stood up. “Well, it's...I...we, that is....Forgive me, but you look...different.”

“Tell me about it,” I said with just a hint of a smile and gestured around at all the blue stuff in the carriage. “You seem to be doing pretty well for yourself. Incredible and Omnipotent now, are you?”

“A bit of an improvement over Great and Powerful, isn't it?” she said proudly, then frowned. “What are you doing here? What happened to you?”

“Tell me what you already know first,” I said, also becoming serious. “Anything that you heard about me after you left Ponyville.”

Trixie tapped her chin and thought for a moment. “Well, I heard that you were called by the Princesses to help them deal with a shadow dragon in Fillydelphia and defeated it by yourself. Everypony was talking about it for months. Some say that you had to rip its heart out and eat it to slay the beast.”

“That's bullshit,” I said quickly. “I had plenty of help and a lot of luck when I fought that thing, and I stabbed it with a magic sword.”

She nodded and flipped a stray bit of her mane behind her ear. “I suspected that the truth was something like that. Anyway, there are lots of differing rumors about what happened after that. Some say that you died while fighting the dragon, and others claim that you returned to Earth. Most of the ponies who I've spoken with seem to think that you had something to do with Princess Luna's departure, and a few even suggest that you left with her.”

“I've been—wait, what was that last part? What happened to Luna?”

“You don't know?” Trixie asked in surprise. “After you disappeared three years ago, Princess Luna had a falling out with Celestia and left Canterlot. There's a lot of disagreement over what it was about, but she returned to the moon and has only been back a few times since.”

“I never heard about that. I only came back to Equestria this morning.” I scratched the back of my neck and frowned even deeper. “And you said that was three years ago?”

“Yes, immediately after your disappearance.”

“That can't be right,” I muttered. “I was on Earth for five years. Only three passed here?”

She nodded slowly. “That is curious....So you say that you did go back to Earth? If I may ask, why? And why have you come back now? And how is that you've become a stallion? You didn't suddenly learn how to use real magic, did you?”

“Do you see a horn? No, this happened when I got thrown into a field of Poison Joke. You know, those flowers that do weird stuff to anypony who touches it?”

Trixie raised an eyebrow. “I've heard of it. If you like, I could try a few spells that might remove it's effects.”

“No!” I shouted quickly before she could use her magic, then calmed myself back down. “I mean, no, thank you. I want to stay like this for the moment, actually. I'd prefer it if nopony knew who I was.” I hated to think of what the others would say or think if Jesse suddenly showed up instead of Cog. Probably nothing good.

“If you insist,” she said with a shrug.

“In response to your other question, about coming back to Equestria, it's a long story and I don't have all night. As for why I'm here in Manehattan, I was hoping that you could help me out with something.”

Trixie pricked her ears forward at that. “Oh? And what might that be?”

“Has anything unusual appeared around you recently? Something that you're not sure what it is? Maybe a written message or something like that?”

She thought for a moment, then nodded. “There is one thing. Just earlier today, somepony stuck a strange letter under my door. I put it somewhere around here...”

Her horn glowed and a stack of loose papers that sat on a small desk (which was blue, naturally) flew into the air. Trixie shuffled them quickly, then set them down again. She made the cushion that she'd been lying down on levitate, but the letter wasn't there either.

What was there was a blue-and-silver Colt 1911, which Trixie quickly kicked out of sight. She offered an embarrassed laugh, then turned back to searching with even more intensity than before as her face went scarlet. Well, that explains the buzzing from earlier, I thought with a snort. And why she didn't hear all the yelling outside.

“Where is it?” she muttered to herself as she pulled her stack of books apart. “I know I—Found it! I thought it was a bit odd when I read it earlier.”

She levitated the letter and opened it in front of me so that I could read the short note inside.

To discover the woeful prison of your friends

No, I didn't think that it was very helpful either. Then again, I somehow knew that it was the real first clue, and that it would probably mean something when we found the other three.

“Thanks, that's exactly what I needed,” I said as I committed the message to memory. It's a lot easier to do that when it's actual words.

“What's so important about it, anyway?” Trixie asked as she set the piece of paper aside.

“It's gonna help me rescue three ponynapped fillies and a dragon. Long story, not enough time for it. If we run into each other again in the future, I'll tell you all about it.”

“Ponynapped?” she cried out as her magenta eyes shot open. “Who would do such a thing?”

“Look who's talking,” I shot back lightly. “As I recall, you captured Rarity back when I told you to take a hike.”

“Touche. But at least I had a plan to release your fillyfriend regardless of our contest's outcome. Is that the case this time?”

“No, it's not. Well, thanks again for helping me. Sorry to have to leave so soon, but I really need to get going before I'm missed.” I was beginning to worry that one of the others would randomly wake up and discover that I was gone.

Trixie dipped her silver-topped head. “Very well, Jesse. I wish you the best of luck with your rescuing efforts. And make sure that you find me again after you do.”

I raised an eyebrow. “What, no snarky comments before I leave? No challenge for another round of magic tricks?”

The corners of her lips perked upward deviously. “In that case....Since you brought it up, we'll have round two after you're done with your current quest. I'll find you if I have to.”

“Goddammit, you haven't changed at all!” I said loudly, but I was grinning. I dimly acknowledged that it was the first time that I had smiled like that in years.

“Prepare to feel the wrath of the Incredible and Omnipotent Trixie! Whoo-o-o-o!” she wiggled her front hooves in the air at me.

After we had a good laugh at that—and after she finished telling me how she was going to utterly destroy me with the amazing tricks that I had taught her during our last encounter—I stepped out of her carriage. Outside, Trixie's guards still hadn't returned to their post.

I was momentarily disoriented by how orange and yellow everything looked after spending so long staring at nothing but blue, but I ignored it and started retracing my steps. My vision readjusted itself properly by the time that the hotel came into view.

A few minutes later, I carefully pushed open the door to the room and quietly slipped inside. I could barely make out the dark outlines of Rarity, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie, but the sound of their deep breathing made it clear that they were all still fast asleep. I felt a little relief at that.

I silently got back to my cushion and laid down on the uncomfortable lump. My eyelids felt heavy, but the gears in my head kept turning.

Everything that had happened that day kept running itself through my mind over and over. A lot had occurred; I'd been turned into a pony, found myself reunited with my only friends, lied repeatedly to said friends, almost been arrested, and found a clue that lead to another clue. All in all, it had been a pretty long day.

I felt a surge of accomplishment, though. Sure, the letter that Discord had left with Trixie wasn't very enlightening, but the conversation had been. Not all of the news had been pleasant, but at least now I knew a little more about what had gone on in Equestria while I was out of the picture.

It felt a little weird to know that there were still ponies talking about me (or rather, the mysterious alien human who had shown up in Ponyville one day). But the others hadn't said a single word about it, which was a little disconcerting. Was that a bad sign?

There were two other things that bothered me. First was the part about Princess Luna returning to the moon. Sure, her last actions that I remembered weren't exactly becoming of royalty, but she had been friendly enough before that. Why would she suddenly exile herself?

The other topic that weighed on my mind was the difference in time passage. For my first stay in Equestria, less time had passed on Earth. And during my absence, five years went by instead of three? Did that mean that time moved slower in whichever world I happened to be in? That didn't make any sense at all. Just one more mystery that taunted me.

I frowned and shifted around in a vain attempt to get comfortable. But even if the cushion had been stuffed with the softest cotton imaginable, I still would have been kept awake by the various thoughts that still plagued my mind. Don't you hate it when you're tired as hell and just want to fall asleep but can't manage to do it?

It was a long time before I finally drifted off.

Ch. 5 (Dust)

Ch. 5 (Dust)

“...And then a bunch of gumdrops and lollipops started dancing around and singing about how it's hard to tell what time it is underwater,” Pinkie Pie was saying loudly. “And I'm not sure how, but then I ended up inside my own mouth! My teeth were huge! And they had windows! Isn't that funny?”

I shook my head slowly. “Even your dreams are weird, Pinkie.”

“And yours are most helpful, Cog,” Rarity said quietly, then the quill that she was levitating paused in its scribbling. “Would you mind telling us how it went one more time? I want to make sure that I have all the details right.”

I clamped my front hooves on either side of a small pink teacup (Pinkie's bags had had a complete tea set inside, naturally) and brought it to my lips before answering. The hot tea tasted like cinnamon and nutmeg, and the strong brew helped me wake up a little. It's not coffee, but it'll do, I thought wistfully.

“I was just standing around and a unicorn showed up,” I said, careful to adhere to my latest lie. “She said that she was the Mystic Mare, then told me the clue. 'To discover the woeful prison of your friends,' and that's it. Then I woke up.”

“Hmmm...” Rarity muttered thoughtfully as I took another sip of über-addictive tea. “What did this unicorn look like? Did you recognize her?”

“No,” I said, thinking fast to make up an answer for these questions. “I've never seen her before. She was...green, with white hair. Kinda short, hourglass cutie mark.” It was a little odd imagining Minty as a mare, but it at least gave me a semi-decent mental image to reference.

“Where were you when this happened?” Fluttershy asked timidly as she picked up her teacup.

“I was right here!” I said quickly. “I didn't go anywhere! It was a dream, remember?”

“She means where you were in the dream, silly!” Pinkie said with a giggle.

“Oh,” I muttered and gave myself a mental kick for panicking like that. “Right. It was dark, so I couldn't see anything.”

The mares all looked a little disappointed at that, but didn't they ask anything else. Rarity wrote out a few more lines, then set the quill aside. With another spell she made the piece of paper roll itself up, then it disappeared in a flash of white light.

For a few minutes, the others just talked among themselves while I quietly sipped my tea and thought. I really didn't like lying to them, and the way that they readily believed my half-baked explanations made me feel even worse. But the alternative was revealing that I had snuck out to meet with Trixie. That could only lead to more questions, which in turn would require either admitting that I had lied to them or lying some more.

If you dig yourself in too deep, you eventually wind up in Hell, I brooded.

My thoughts were interrupted by a flash of purple light and a muffled scream from Rarity. I whipped my head up to find out what was wrong and saw that she had her hooves firmly clamped over her nose. Her eyes were tearing up in pain.

“What happened?” I asked as I got to my feet. Pinkie and Fluttershy also looked confused.

“G-get it out!” Rarity gasped and pulled one hoof away.

“What,” I said, so baffled at what I saw that it wasn't even a question. Fluttershy looked nauseous and her face grew a sickly greenish tinge. Pinkie tried unsuccessfully to stifle her laughter.

There was a scroll of paper sticking out of Rarity's nostril. No, that's not some kind of euphemism—it was literally a piece of paper. And it was stuck really far up her nose. That's not something you see every day.

“Don't just stand there, help me!” she yelled when none of us did anything.

“Does it hurt?” Fluttershy asked gingerly.

“Of course it hurts! Pull it out! I don't care what it is, just get it out!”

“Okie dokie lokie,” Pinkie said with a wide grin as she gripped the end of the paper with both hooves. “Make a wish!”

With a quick tug, Pinkie ripped the scroll right out. Rarity gave a loud yelp of pain and immediately shoved her hoof up to her nose again. Her horn glowed and a small white towel levitated out of the bathroom.

“Are you alright?” Fluttershy asked gently. She looked more worried than disgusted now.

“I'll be alright,” Rarity said with a suppressed whimper as she pressed the towel to her nostril. Her eyes were still extremely moist. “A slight papercut, that's all. What is that thing, anyway?”

Pinkie dramatically unrolled the paper and stuck her tongue out of the corner of her mouth as she read over its contents. “It's a letter from Twilight. She wants...blah blah blah...found out...blah blah blah....What does 'imperative' mean?”

“Let me see that!” Rarity snapped irritably as she levitated the scroll out of Pinkie's grip. Her eyes moved quickly across the page. “She's asking us to meet up with her and the others in Appleloosa. No reason why, but it seems important.”

“Maybe they found the second clue,” I suggested hopefully.

“Perhaps,” Rarity allowed as she pulled the towel away from her snout. I noticed a small spot of blood in the center of the white cloth, but her cut was clearly superficial. “I suppose we'd best trot out to the main station and catch the next train out.”

* * * * *

It's not easy being an afro salesman. Business is always slow, especially when all of your customers prefer to wear dreadlocks or cornrows. Most days are evenly divided between being bored and watching the geese pedal their bicycles along the edge of the toxic waste dump in the middle of the town square.

Since the geese had all fallen into the radioactive sludge and mutated into fire-breathing lizards hours ago, I was bored. The surrounding buildings were all slowly burning to the ground, but I didn't care as long as my afro cart was still intact. The ash was a little irritating, but daisies were invented for a reason.

I disinterestedly turned my eyes upward and frowned as seashells and shoelaces started to fall out of the lime-green clouds of lint. That earned a grumble from my nipples. If I didn't get any customers soon, I would have to pack up and go home before it started raining piano keys. Piano keys are the worst.

“'SCUSE ME, LASSIE!” someone politely shouted into my ear.

“WHAT DO YOU WANT?” I shouted back at an equally-friendly volume.

“I WANNA BUY AN AFRO, YO!” the guy yelled excitedly. He was a shark with gold chains hanging from his gills and seven orange pupils in all three eyes. Each of his pointy teeth was topped with a tasteful monocle.

“OKAY!” I shrieked back and pulled a neon blue afro off one of the racks behind me. “HOW'S THIS?”

“I LIKE IT!” the shark shouted. “HOW MUCH? WHIPLASH MCBREEZY!”

“SIX FUCKTONS OF CASH! FUCKIN' A!”

As the shark left with his stylin' new afro, I felt a little better. A good sale for a nice profit. Tonight I would eat like a king! No more caviar and lobster foie gras for me—stupid fucking peasant food. In-N-Out is where it's at!

I absentmindedly wondered if I should order the cheeseburger milkshake or the synthetic silicon motherboard, and almost didn't notice as the first piano key fell out of the sky. That completely ruined my mood.

“FUCKIN' PIANO KEYS,” I growled under my breath as I packed up my afros and got ready to leave. With any luck, my house would be full of crickets and Poseidon wouldn't demand the rent money for a few more days.

The piano keys started falling faster and there were more of them. They started landing all around me and laughed evilly at me, the afro salesman. Several of them pulled out knives and other pointy things.

“gimme yer wallet,” one of them yelled thunderously as it waved a corkscrew at my face. Even through the thick smoke, I could tell that he was just looking for an excuse to shove it in my rectum.

“GET AWAY FROM ME!” I said calmly and rolled my eyes. Those fucking piano keys always want my fucking wallet and my fucking money and my fucking shoes and my fucking gallstones and my fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck GOOSE!fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!—

“Cog? Cog?”

“Huh? What?” I muttered blearily. Something was gently poking my side and I drew away from it slightly. I picked up my glasses from where I'd set them on the table in front of me.

As my surroundings became clearer, I could feel the floor under me bouncing and shaking slightly. It took me a moment to remember boarding the train to Appleloosa. The window on my immediate right showed a barren, dusty landscape rushing past, which was accompanied by distant clanging and clacking as the train rolled along. To my left was a troubled-looking Fluttershy, who had been prodding me.

“Is everything alright?” I asked, surprised by the amount of concern on her face. “Is something going on?”

“Oh, no, i-it's...it's just...” she stammered as usual and offered an apologetic smile. “I-I heard you t-talking in your sl-sleep. W-were you having a bad dream?”

“No, I'm...I'm fine,” I said quickly and tried to force that bizarre dream out of my head. The window rattled in its frame and the train rocked violently from side to side as it hit an uneven bit of railing.

I noticed that my front hooves were shaking slightly. I really need a smoke, I realized and pressed my quivering stubs against the table until they held still. Fluttershy definitely noticed and raised an eyebrow.

“A-are you sure?” she asked gently. “You were saying something about p-piano keys and fuc—”

“I'm fine!” I insisted with just a hint of anger, then forced myself to relent. “Sorry. Look, I appreciate that you care, but don't worry about me. Where are the others, by the way?”

“They're in the next car over. Rarity asked me to check on you and to bring you this.”

The yellow pegasus reached her head to the trembling floor and picked up a small wooden bowl in her teeth. She set it down on the table in front of me with a small, encouraging smile. In the bowl was a colorful fruit salad.

I groaned at the sight of the food. It's not that I wasn't hungry; I just would have appreciated a cigarette infinitely more. And a shot of vodka or twelve. It's always five o'clock somewhere, right?

Fluttershy nudged the bowl toward me. “Eat,” she said with a bit of force, and her smile turned itself upside down.

“When are you girls gonna stop forcing stuff down my throat?” I asked irritably.

“When we can't see your ribs anymore,” she said as she settled herself down on the chair across the table from me. “You look like you haven't been able to feed yourself properly. Is it hard making a living as a tinker?”

It took me a moment to realize what she was talking about. It can be challenging to remember even the simplest lies and keep your story consistent when the ones who you're trying to mislead insist on asking questions.

“It can be,” I said, carefully choosing my words to reach the barest explanation. “There's times when you don't make much of a profit, and I've been going through one of those recently.”

I dipped my mouth to the bowl and chomped down on a peach slice before Fluttershy could ask anything else. Instead of leaving me alone to eat in peace like I'd hoped, she perked up and her blue eyes softened.

“I-I've been thinking,” she mumbled and tapped her hooves together. “You said you live in Fillydelphia, right?”

I nodded, not sure where she was going with this.

“W-well, after this is over...I mean, after we rescue the Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Spike, m-maybe we could...I-I mean, Fillydelphia's not that far away f-from Ponyville...” Her voice trailed off uncertainly.

“I haven't thought that far ahead,” I answered truthfully. “Let's just focus on beating Discord for the time being, then worry about that later.”

“Oh,” she said and dropped her eyes. “Yes. I-I guess we should do that. Eat up, I think we're going to be arriving soon.”

Fluttershy stood and trotted off to the door at the end of the deserted car. The entire train was almost empty except for the four of us, the attendants, and a few other passengers who kept to themselves. Apparently Appleloosa wasn't a popular destination for Manehattanites.

I took another mouthful of the fruit salad and looked out the window as I chewed. Rocks, dust, cacti, some dry shrubs, more rocks, and a whole lot of nothing whipped past. There were absolutely no signs of civilization anywhere.

My frown deepened as I thought about what Fluttershy had tried to say. I really hadn't considered what would happen after we finished our quest, and I was drawing a blank now that I took the time to mull it over. It wasn't that I had many options to choose from, but I didn't really like any of them.

On the one hoof, I could continue with my bluff and head for Fillydelphia and try to start a new life again (again). Hell, I could think of a few things to invent that would sell well enough to warrant an early retirement, to say nothing of the positive changes that they would have on Equestria as a whole.

But I didn't want to abandon my friends, and they would know that something was up if I tried to stay in Ponyville with them. That would bring a lot of hard questions that could only lead to more lies. I was already having enough trouble with that as it was.

My other option was to come clean and tell them who I really was. But I had already dismissed that notion and didn't reconsider it for long. The back of my mind repeatedly whispered that they could probably find it within themselves to forgive me and would likely welcome me back with gladness, but the rest of my mind vehemently insisted that there was no way to tell for sure.

I reminded myself that I still had absolutely no idea how the ponies really felt about me. They had spoken exactly zero words about the human that they had befriended, and I couldn't exactly start interrogating them without raising a few red flags. I'll have to be careful, I told myself unnecessarily.

I resolved to ask a few discreet questions later. If I could gather some information as Cog to find out what they thought of Jesse, it would make my decision that much easier. But for the moment, I just sat there and stared out the window.

* * * * *

About twenty minutes later, the train slowly ground to a halt at Appleloosa's small station. Since the four of us didn't have any luggage other than a few light saddlebags, we were the first ones to get off and enter the frontier town.

One thing that is worth noting was that the train wasn't pulled along the tracks by ponies; it used an enchanted steam engine. As such, it had made the long journey in a fraction of the time that the old method would have taken. I couldn't help but feel a touch of pride that the ponies had taken a semi-working prototype and utilized it in such an effective and worthwhile fashion.

It was just after two o'clock in the afternoon when we stepped off the train, and doing that felt like I was getting pimp-slapped by a fat guy. Who had a fever. And was also on fire. It was hot, is what I mean to say. Really hot.

“Ugh, this air is going to dry out my mane!” Rarity complained as she held up a hoof to get the sun out of her eyes.

“Oooh, I know what to do!” Pinkie Pie said happily, then disappeared in a flash of pink. She was immediately back with a big wooden barrel clutched in her hooves.

“What are you—” Rarity tried to ask, but was silenced as Pinkie turned the barrel over and dumped a bunch of water on her head with a loud splash.

“There you go! That'll keep your hair nice and wet!” Pinkie said with a grin.

“That's not what I had in mind,” Rarity muttered while she glared at the pink pony. Her once-curly mane was completely ruined and hung from her head like a soaked rag.

“Hey there!” came a friendly voice from off to our left. “Welcome ta Aaaaaappleloosa!”

“Braeburn!” Pinkie squealed with delight.

“Hi, Pinkie Pie!” said the grinning orange-yellow earth pony. He was wearing a brown vest and the stetson on his head was noticeably bigger than Applejack's.

“It's nice to see you again,” mumbled Fluttershy. She didn't look overly enthusiastic.

“Likewise, Fluttershy. Hello, Miss Rarity, how've ya been?”

“Well enough,” Rarity said as she gingerly touched her wet hair. “Now, if you would be so kind—”

“An' who's this?” Braeburn asked as he fixed his green eyes on me. “Ah don' 'member seein' this friend o' yours b'fore!”

“I'm Cog, bu—”

“Nice ta meet ya, Cog!” He was suddenly shaking my hoof like his life depended on it. “Is this yer firs' time in Appleloosa? C'mon, I'll give ya th' grand tour! We build this here town 'bout four years ago—”

“Hold on, Braeburn,” Rarity said seriously. “I'm terribly sorry, but we need to find the others. Where's Applejack? It's important.”

“Aw, can't it wait?” he asked with a frown. “It won' take long ta show yer friend ever'thin'.”

Rarity just shook her head, which threw a few small water droplets in every direction.

His ears drooped in disappointment. “Well, maybe we can do it later. C'mon, mah cousin an' the other two're stayin' at th' Copper Core. Follow me.”

As we walked down the dusty road and past the Old-West-style buildings, Braeburn pointed out some of the sights of Appleloosa. The town had grown significantly since I had first seen it on my computer screen so long ago, but it still had that underlying feeling of being on the very edge of the maps.

All of the ponies in sight plodded along at a much more relaxed pace than the residents of Manehattan had. Quite a few were just standing around and talking to one another without a care in the world. Most of them wore hats or bonnets to protect their heads from the blistering sun. A few of the mares also held parasols or waved fans to cool themselves off.

“This here's th' main bank,” Braeburn was saying proudly as we passed a blocky brick building. “An' there's th' very first well tha' we dug when we got th' town started. If ya look close over that-a-way, y'all can see th' ol' jailhouse. We don' use it much, but tha' don' mean we ain't prepared ta throw yer plot b'hind them bars if ya start any trouble, hear?” He directed the last part at me, but his smile made it clear that he was just joking.

“Right,” I said anyway.

“An' heeeere's the Copper Core!” he finished and pointed with a flourish at a building with a hanging sign that showed a burnished metallic apple core.

At first glance, the Copper Core looked like a saloon crossed with a hotel. As we stepped through the swinging doors (the type that you see in every Western movie that only cover half the doorway), we found out that that's exactly what it was. Lots of tables surrounded by cushions had been set up to serve customers, and every single one was occupied by ponies who had fled from the sun and drank various beverages out of large glass mugs. Behind the bar and above a row of tapped barrels was a board that held numbered keys, obviously meant for rentable rooms.

A few of the patrons turned to see who the newcomers were, but they all went right back to their conversations a moment later. I dimly wondered if they had sporadic duels with outlaws in Appleloosa like they do in any decent Western. Probably not, I decided.

“There they are! Hi, Dashie!” Pinkie shouted as she launched herself into the air toward the right-hand (or right-hoof, I guess) corner.

Ca-rack!

As the dust cleared from the impact, it became clear that the Copper Core's owner would need to buy a new table and a few new mugs. But Pinkie was too busy strangling Rainbow Dash with a bear hug to notice or care.

“Oh, Dashie, I missed you!” she squealed, oblivious to Rainbow's frantic attempts to break out of her grip. The other customers just stared, their drinks temporarily forgotten.

“Pinkie Pie, let her go!” Twilight yelled as Rainbow's eyes bulged out of their sockets. She made her horn glow, and suddenly Pinkie's hooves snapped into the air in opposite directions. Rainbow gasped for breath as she was released.

“Well, uh, I'd best let ya'll go see yer friends,” Braeburn said as he backed out through the swinging half-doors. “Find me once yer free ta get that tour, Cog.”

“Right,” I muttered again as I followed Rarity and Fluttershy to where the others were. The patrons all looked on as we passed, then slowly returned their attention to whatever they had been doing before the interruption.

Applejack snorted as we came closer and she saw Rarity's limp mane. “Ya get a new haircut in Manehattan? Quite an improvement, if ya ask me.”

“Say one more word about it and you'll have to pick your teeth out of the dust!” Rarity snapped.

Applejack blinked a few times at the uncharacteristic response. “Sorry, I didn' mean—”

“Forget about it,” Rarity spat bitterly. “I'll fix it later. Now, why did you tell us to come here? And by the way, your spell didn't work right.”

“Did my note end up inside your nose?” Twilight asked seriously, then sighed when the other unicorn nodded. “Sorry about that, I'm not sure what happened. Maybe I skipped a line in my book or something. If it makes you feel any better, your letter did the same thing to me.”

“It doesn't,” Rarity assured her.

Twilight cleared her throat. “Well, anyway. You were right, Cog, there is a clue around here. We even found out where it is, but we'll need your help to get to it.”

“And I still say it's a bad idea!” Rainbow broke in loudly.

“What do you mean?” I asked the purple unicorn, purposefully ignoring that comment.

“Follow me,” Twilight said as she began walking to the door. “The buffaloes will explain it better than I can.”

* * * * *

It took about forty minutes of walking through the wilderness to reach the buffalo camp. That wasn't nearly as long as I'd expected, but the heat and the rocky ground made it pretty damn uncomfortable for each step of the way. At least I wasn't holding the others back anymore.

The camp consisted of two dozen canvas teepees that were set up with no clear pattern. Small firepits, logs, and a few wooden crates were also strewn about randomly. All of the nearby vegetation had been cleared away, probably to keep any accidental fires from spreading.

The buffaloes who stood guard or lounged around were all bulky masses of muscle, horns, and fur. They were mostly shades of brown, but there were a couple of black ones as well. Many of them had a feather or two hanging from their heads, and some had beaded braids below their ears. Every one of them glared at us distrustfully as we entered their territory.

“W-why are they so angry?” Fluttershy asked nervously as one of the larger buffaloes leered at her.

“They've been havin' trouble with Appleloosa again lately,” Applejack answered in a whisper. “Somethin' 'bout tradin' o' somethin', Ah wasn' really listenin'.”

“I was,” Twilight muttered. “The buffaloes say that the last batch of apple cider that they bought was watered down, and the ponies in Appleloosa say that they're wrong. But the buffaloes drank all the cider anyway, so there's no way to know who's telling the truth anymore.”

“Why would they do that?” Pinkie asked, her perpetual smile definitely out of place amid the glowering and suspicion. “Who waters down perfectly good cider?”

“Ponies who want to rip us off,” growled the nearest buffalo, who had a dark tan hide and beady black eyes. “I tasted it myself, and it was nowhere near as good as the previous shipment!”

“Rockhorn! Stop badgering them!” came a female voice. The speaker was a orange buffalo with a puff of lighter hair on her head. She was smaller and more petite proportionately than the others in the camp. A purple-and-white headband held three feathers that stuck straight up.

“Hello again, Little Strongheart,” Twilight said with a trace of a smile. “As you can see, we've brought him.”

Stongheart looked me over quickly and frowned. “Are you sure he's the one you want? He's thinner than a rail.”

“Just 'cause I'm skinny doesn't make me deaf, you know,” I said irritably. “And would it kill anyone to explain what we're doing here?”

The buffalo raised her eyebrow. “Follow me, please. Chief Thunderhooves and the Matriarch will answer all of your questions.”

More glares followed us as we made our way to the center of the camp. The very air bristled with hostility and anger. It was clear that more than a contested batch of apple cider had turned the buffaloes against the Appleloosans.

“Here we are,” Little Strongheart muttered as she drew back the flap of the biggest teepee. It was decorated with crude pictures of mountains and rivers surrounded by trees, which seemed like an odd choice in the middle of a desert.

The inside of the tent was lit by a small fire, which made the already-hot air almost unbreathable. A giant dark brown buffalo was sitting on a log and staring intently at the flames. He wore a headdress of feathers that were bigger than any of the other buffaloes'. He didn't seem to notice our arrival.

“Chief?” Strongheart asked quietly. He didn't react.

“Chief Thunderhooves!” Rainbow Dash called loudly.

The chief flinched and turned his massive head toward us. He blinked a few times before his eyes focused properly. “Oh! So you've returned. Is this the one of whom you spoke?”

“He is,” Twilight said and pulled me forward. The chief peered at me intently.

“Hmmm. I was expecting...a fuller figure.”

I rolled my eyes. “I'm too damn skinny, I get it already! Now would someone please tell me what's going on?”

“Very well.” Thunderhooves drew himself up and took a deep breath. “I will explain all. What is your name, stallion?”

“Cog.”

“Well, Cog, your friends came to us yesterday seeking a sign of sorts. Some 'clue' that they wish to find. We know where it is, but cannot allow them to see it.”

“And why not?” Rarity asked. Her mane had dried out during the walk to the camp, and it now stuck up in awkward directions.

“Because of where it is,” the chief rumbled patiently. “A strange message appeared recently on our most sacred totem within our most sacred cave, which none but a member of our tribe may enter. Never have we allowed another to go inside, and to break that law now would dishonor every generation of our history. My father, and his father, and his father, and his father, and—”

“We get the idea,” Little Strongheart interrupted before he really got going with it.

“Well, if we can't go inside, can't one of you just tell us what the clue is or write it down for us?” I asked. That seemed like a reasonable solution.

“No record of things that are written on the totem is allowed to leave the cave,” Thunderhooves said gruffly. “And they are not to be spoken of, either. Even new additions that our own did not put on it.”

I frowned deeper. “Then...where does that leave us? And what does this have to do with me?”

“If we want to read the message, we need a member of the tribe to do it,” Twilight said.

“I got that part. So what do we do about it?”

“Moreover, it has to be one of us who's one of the buffalo,” she continued, as if I hadn't said anything. “That's where you come in.”

“I don't follow,” I said with a sigh of frustration. “Just spit it out, what are you thinking?”

“I told ya it's a bad idea,” Rainbow muttered loudly.

“Zip it,” Twilight tersely snapped at her, then returned her attention to me. “We talked with the buffaloes for a long time yesterday. It took every bit of goodwill that they have toward us, but they've agreed to invoke one of their rites, which will allow a pony to become a member of their tribe. They haven't done it in decades and they didn't say what it entails, but we need you to go through with it.”

It took a full ten seconds for what she'd said to fully register in my brain. “You're shitting me, right?” I asked in disbelief.

“I told ya he wouldn't do it.”

“Applejack, would you kindly shut her up?”

“With pleasure, Twi'.”

Four seconds of violent struggling later, Rainbow Dash was hogtied with a rope and gagged with an apple, both of which had appeared seemingly out of nowhere. She struggled futilely against her bonds and glared powerlessly at all of us.

“Now then,” Twilight turned back to me yet again once that was taken care of. “Cog, we need your help with this.”

“Why me? Why can't one of you do it? Or somepony from Appleloosa?” I wasn't trying to back out exactly—I was just surprised that they hadn't considered those choices first.

“Our relations with that town have been very strained as of late,” the chief thundered darkly. “They've cheated us and traded inferior products when we need them the most. We bought tarps from those...Appleloosans”—he practically spat the word out of his mouth—“five months ago to protect our food stores from the yearly rain, but the water soaked right through! When we confronted them about it, they had the nerve to suggest that we'd used them wrong!” His eyes blazed and he snorted with fury.

“Calm down, Chief,” Little Strongheart said soothingly as she laid a gentle hoof on his massive shoulder, then returned her attention to us. “What he means to say is that the rite is intended to symbolize harmony between our tribe and the individual. But there is no harmony between us and Appleloosa at the moment, so we can't allow one of them to join us.”

“Wasn't anypony listening to me the last time we were here?” Pinkie Pie asked with a touch of irritation. “What did I tell you all? You gotta share, you gotta—”

“If you start singing, the deal's off!” Thunderhooves growled before she could get into it.

“AJ...” Twilight began.

“Way ahead o' ya.” Applejack already had Pinkie tied up next to Rainbow Dash. The pink pony held still, totally content to just lay there and suck the juice out of the apple that was shoved into her mouth.

A second of silence later, Little Strongheart continued from where she'd left off. “And as for why one of these mares haven't offered to undertake our rite herself, even though we have no ill will toward any of them, the ritual for accepting female members is completely different. It takes an entire month to complete, whereas you could be a tribe member by this time tomorrow.”

“An' Ah'd sure hate fer mah sis ta be left wit' Discord fer a whole extra month,” Applejack growled in my general direction. "'Specially in whatever th' hay he considers 'woeful'."

“Cog, will you do this for us?” Twilight asked seriously. “I realize that you've already done a lot to help and we haven't know each other for very long, but we can't do this without you.”

“Whatever this 'rite' of theirs is, I'm certain that you will be able to persevere through it,” Rarity added softly. “We only met you yesterday morning, but I fully believe that we can rescue my sister with your help. Can you find it in your heart to assist us in this matter?”

I had a sudden flashback to the previous day. I was on the torch of the Statue of Tranquility just after discovering Discord's first clue. The other ponies retreated to where I was. The pegasus guards were closing in and Pinkie was searching for her flashbang.

“Cog, I know that we've only just met, but do you trust me?” Rarity asked as she fixed her bright blue eyes on my brown ones.

And now she was putting her trust in me. Well, I couldn't say no to that.

I clenched my teeth and nodded. “Alright. What do I have to do?”

Ch. 6 (Trials)

“Okay, how's any of this supposed to help me become a buffalo?” I asked, slightly irritated by what was going on.

“It's part of the tradition for most of our ceremonies,” Little Strongheart said calmly as she dipped her hoof in the bowl of red paint and smeared it on my cheek. “And be quiet while I'm doing this. Your entire face moves when you talk.”

I just tapped my rear hoof impatiently as she swirled the paint in a loose spiral. I already had eight different colors all over my face and coat. The buffaloes had felt the need to outline each of my ribs in blue and yellow, probably as yet another joke about my scrawniness. I was really starting to get tired of everyone pointing it out.

We were standing in the cleared space in the middle of the unevenly spaced teepees. The sun was just about to set and a large bonfire had been lit in the center of the camp. Chief Thuderhooves and the six other ponies were sitting off to the side on a flat log.

Most of the buffaloes had also gathered to watch me go through with their rite of passage, which still hadn't been explained. They still didn't seem too enthusiastic about having ponies in their home, but at least they weren't glaring at us anymore. Instead, they waited quietly in a wide circle for the proceedings to begin.

Strongheart finished her latest design and let go of my head. She wiped the extra paint off her hoof with a rag and nodded.

“Alright, that's taken care of. Now the hard part begins.”

“And that is...?” I asked.

“We don't know yet,” Thunderhooves rumbled. “The Matriarch will be the one to discern the signs that dictate what tests await you.”

“Where is this Matriarch?” Twilight asked as she looked around. “She was mentioned earlier, but I haven't seen another female around anywhere.”

“I'm here, you ungrateful whelps!” came a frail voice as a huddled figure made its way from a nearby tent toward the firelight.

If you thought that Granny Smith was old and decrepit, you probably can't even imagine how ancient the Matriarch looked. She didn't have a face so much as a bunch of wrinkles where her face should have been. Her greyish tan fur had bald patches and large bunions grew from her legs all the way up to the knees. She shuffled instead of walking, as if her joints refused to work properly.

“Where's my piano, Cloudstomp?” she demanded with a wheeze and leered at us all with milk-white eyes. “You know I can't dance without a piano! And why didn't you bring me any cactus bits earlier?”

“Mother, please try to focus,” Thunderhooves said in that special voice that you use when you're dealing with an impossible situation but still trying to be gentle.

“Wait, she's your mother?” Rainbow Dash gasped. “She looks like she's two hundred years old at least!”

“More like five hundred,” the chief whispered as the Matriarch took a seat next to him (but facing the wrong way). “And she's actually my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother. But she thinks that I'm my own ancestor.”

“I can hear you!” the Matriarch screeched at a nearby wooden box. “Stop goin' on about my garden! I'll have you know that my tomatoes are twice as big as Riversteps'!”

“Is she alright?” Fluttershy asked almost inaudibly.

“Matriarch, we—” Little Strongheart began, but the other cow turned around and cut her off.

“Riversteps! Are you the one who's been spreadin' lies about my garden? I can't believe you'd do such a thing!”

“No,” Strongheart said quickly, then took a deep breath. “Matriarch, we have a pony who wishes to become a member of our tribe. We need you to roll the stones for him.”

I could feel the elderly buffalo's eyes roll around and turn to me, despite them not having pupils. Her face relaxed slightly and her features settled into a thoughtful expression. I got the feeling that she actually understood what was going on now.

“So you want to become one of us, hmm?” she asked in a much stronger voice than before. It was pretty damn disturbing how her blind eyes looked at me.

“Yeah, that's right,” I said nervously. “I'm ready to go through with whatever test you have. What is it, anyway?”

“That's for the Ancients to decide,” she said and threw a hoof into the air dramatically. “Someone bring me my bag!”

“Here,” muttered a large brown buffalo who set a battered leather satchel next to her. He quickly retreated back to his place in the ring of onlookers.

“Alright, now where is it?” the Matriarch mumbled under her breath as she rumaged through the bag. “I swear, someone moves my things around when I have my back turn—Here they are!”

She pulled a smaller felt bag out of the satchel and shook it open. Ten smooth black stones with odd runes and symbols painted around their edges fell out and scattered on the ground. The polished rocks shone brightly in the firelight.

“These will let us know what tasks the Ancients require of you,” the matriarch said quietly, which made everyone have to lean forward to hear her words. “Every rule and detail will be revealed. Three times they shall be cast. If you can accomplish the trials demanded, you will be recognized as a member of our tribe, with all the rights and responsibilities that go along with that. Are you ready to begin, stallion?”

I glanced at the six mares. They all nodded encouragingly.

“I'm ready,” I said.

The matriarch grabbed the stones with both hooves and shook them roughly. She began to chant softly, using words that I couldn't make out. The sun sank completely out of sight while she spoke and the tip of the moon peeked above the opposite horizon.

Then she threw the stones back to the ground. They landed in a seemingly random pattern, but the Matriarch stooped over them and continued mumbling under her breath. For a full minute she stayed like that, then straightened up again and looked sightlessly right at me.

“The Ancients have declared that your first test will be one of endurance.”

* * * * *

“Ugh!” I groaned as I painfully lifted myself off the ground. It would have been much easier if the buffaloes hadn't tied a massive boulder to my back. It was at least as big as 'Tom' and easily weighed three or four times as much as I did. Needless to say, it tried to send me right back to the dirt.

“What exactly do the stones say?” Little Strongheart asked the Matriarch uncertainly. “What does he have to do now?”

“Now he gets to walk with it,” she replied flatly. “Around the fire a thousand times, or until dawn. Whichever comes first.”

“Oh, balls,” I muttered to myself. I was already worn out, and I hadn't taken so much as a single step.

“Is this really necessary?” Twilight asked as she dubiously examined the rock.

“It is if he wants to be one of us,” Thunderhooves rumbled. “What the Ancients demand is what he must do.”

I grimaced and took a few experimental steps forward. The rock seemed to press deeper into my spine with each motion. A few more painful strides. That felt even worse.

This is gonna be a long night, I realized. With a quiet groan, I slowly began my first lap.

* * * * *

Not only was it a long and painful ordeal, it was boring as hell too. It was just one step after the next in an endless circle, and quite a few buffaloes left when it became clear that nothing interesting was going to happen until morning.

The strain against the boulder was made even worse by the headache and sharp stomach pains that began and gradually increased throughout the night. I could feel my patience with the rock draining with each step and each second seemed to be drag on for about half a minute. I dimly recalled that such issues are commonly associated with nicotine withdrawl.

To distract myself from the discomfort, I turned my eyes upward and looked at the shimmering stars. It had been a long time since I'd seen even one—city lights tend to make stargazing impossible—and the inky sky was absolutely filled with dots of bright light, more than I could remember ever seeing at once. The constellations all stood out particularly well, despite the bright fire that I was circling.

As I examined the V-shape of Andromeda, I got an idea. To help pass the time, I focused my mind on some music. It's one of the things that I do when I'm bored or stuck doing something monotonous, and I had figured out how to turn my brain into a serviceable mp3 player with plenty of songs to choose from in a pinch. In this case, some Blue Öyster Cult seemed appropriate.

I concentrated, and a slow string of piano notes accompanied by a steady drum beat began to play in my head, just below the level of actually hearing them.

The clock strikes twelve and moondrops burst

Out at you from their hiding place.

Like acid and oil on a madman's face,

His reason tends to fly away.

Like lesser birds on the four winds,

Like silver scrapes in May,

And now the sands become a crust,

Most of you have gone away.

Come Susy dear, let's take a walk

Just out there upon the beach.

I know you'll soon be married

And you want to know where the winds come from.

Well it's never said at all

On the map that Carrie reads,

Behind the clock back there, you know,

At the four winds baaaarrr.

I dipped my head slightly in time with the beat as the guitar came in. It had been too long since I'd last heard this song, and I was actually starting to enjoy myself.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Four winds at the four winds bar,

Two doors locked and windows barred.

One door let to take you in,

The other one just mirrors it.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

In hellish glare and inference,

The other one's a duplicate.

The queenly flux, eternal light,

Or the light that never warms

It's the light that never,

Neeeeever warms!

Oh, the li—

My my brain ground to a sudden halt and my legs locked up. The boulder was a bit more reluctant to stop, so I pitched forward into the dust and slid for a few more painful inches. Everyone who was still around to watch me snapped out of their bored daze to look.

“Fuck!” I growled to myself as I regained my senses and stood back up. The rock tried to keep me pinned to the ground, but after a moment's struggle I was back on my hooves.

“Are you alright?” Little Strongheart asked worriedly and cocked her head to the side.

“I'm fine,” I reassured her as I resumed my slow circuit around the bonfire. “Twilight, could you come over here for a minute?”

“What is it?” the purple unicorn asked as she fell into step beside me.

“Do you remember the third hint? The one that Discord wrote for us in Ponyville?”

She eyed me quizzically. “Yes, I do. 'The spire of the light that never warms.' What about it?”

“I think I just figured out what it means. Part of it, anyway.”

That grabbed her attention. “That's great! What is it?”

I jerked my head skyward, which hurt my burdened spine as the weight shifted slightly. “Take a look up there.”

Twilight squinted at the heavens for a few seconds, then returned her gaze to me. “The stars?”

“The moon,” I corrected. “The light that never warms is the moon.”

“Are you sure about that?” she asked doubtfully. “How do you know?”

“I was thinking of an old song that I know,” I explained tersely, not even bothering to come up with a lie.

“A song?” She looked dubious again.

“What, do you have a better hunch?”

“Well...no,” she admitted slowly, her brow wrinkling as she thought. “And I guess it makes sense, too. I never really thought of it like that.”

“So now we just need to figure out the part about the spire,” I muttered tiredly. “Any idea what that could be?”

Twilight tapped her chin thoughtfully. “Maybe. I'll write a letter tomorrow and see what Princess Celestia thinks.” She cringed suddenly. “I really hope this one doesn't end up in her nose.”

I didn't respond and just focused on hauling the boulder.

* * * * *

I continued to struggle onward for hours. Even more of the buffaloes walked off. The ones who were left occasionally tossed another piece of wood into the bonfire to keep it from burning down. Thunderhooves and Little Strongheart struggled to stay alert while the Matriarch snored and muttered nonsensically in her sleep. The mares all stayed, but they didn't seem to be enjoying themselves. They started playing with a deck of cards to pass the time.

Sometime around lap number ninety (I wasn't really counting, so I'm not completely sure when it happened), Rainbow Dash set her cards down, stretched, and looked over at me. She scowled at my slow progress.

“C'mon, are you still not done yet? I coulda finished a thousand laps twice by now!”

“Well, you're not the one doin' this, so shut up!” I snapped. I was tired, sweaty, bereft of booze and cigarettes, and had a boulder chafing against my spine as I carried it around. I was not in a mood for criticism.

“You shut up!” she shouted angrily, which drew everyone's attention. “Stop wasting your breath talkin' and get back to haulin' that rock, rock-hauler!”

“Go soak your tits in an outhouse!” I snarled back. It wasn't the most elegant insult, but I was having a hard time thinking of a better one.

“You can take a log and shove it—” We were spared from hearing the rest of her tirade as Twilight made her horn glow purple and a zipper appeared over Rainbow's lips.

“That's enough!” Twilight said loudly.

“You leave me out of this!” the Matriarch screeched as she woke up. “I'm just peeling this orange, I don't need to hear your opinions about politics!” After rolling the stones and explaining their significance, her dementia had returned with a vengeance.

“Alright, we'll just—”

The Matriarch suddenly leaned close to Fluttershy. “Blossom, did I ever tell you about the time that I made love with four bulls at once?”

“Uh...no?” Fluttershy mumbled with a small squeak, clearly terrified of the senile buffalo cow.

“Well, it was some time in the spring about three centuries ago...”

“Mother, we don't need to hear this,” Chief Thunderhooves objected uncomfortably.

“You all look old enough to me! Now, where was I? Oh! It was in spring next to a big rock by the Gurglebrook River. One of the bulls was named Glenbrow, and he...”

I have to cut her story off right there because it's too filthy and depraved to recount here. She put in a ludicrous amount of colorful details about everything, and judging by all the faces that I could see, it made everyone present feel dirty. I could feel even more blood pump into my face with every word that the Matriarch said.

“...And my thighs didn't stop burning for a week!” she triumphantly finished about twenty minutes later. She was wearing a shameless smile that stretched across her multitude of wrinkles.

“I...I really don't know what to say,” the chief mumbled. He was deliberately looking away from everyone and shifted his weight uneasily.

Rarity seemed to be badly perturbed by what she'd just heard. “That is...uh, I...”

“Ah think Ah'm gonna hurl,” Applejack muttered. Her face definitely had a touch of green in it.

Pinkie Pie looked puzzled. “I don't understand. Who takes a cactus and—” We didn't get to hear the rest of her question, as Twilight decided to put a zipper on her mouth as well.

I just put a little more energy into my legs and kept walking in an attempt to keep the foul mental images out of my head.

* * * * *

“Cog?” a hazy voice whispered.

“Huh?” I blinked and forced my eyes to refocus. I'd stopped paying attention to my surroundings hours earlier and just trudged on in a half-alert daze. My back was really sore and the rock felt heavier than ever. I could actually feel my knees swelling from the pressure of the added weight. A cigarette would have helped immensely.

“The sun's coming up, so you can stop now,” Twilight said. She looked like she was forcing herself to stay awake, and the other five mares had all drifted off to sleep at some point. She was right, though; a warm yellow glow was spreading across the eastern horizon and getting stronger by the second.

“Ugh, that's great. Could you help me get this thing off?” I tilted my head back and bumped it against the boulder.

Purple light surrounded Twilight's horn and the straps that held the rock to my back untied themselves. The stone tipped and fell off to the ground with a dull thwump.

Twilight sucked her breath in sharply as the magic faded. “That looks painful,” she muttered as she stared at my back.

I twisted my head around to see what she was looking at. Even through my coat I could see a long patch of blisters and bloody scratches that hadn't been there before. It did look painful, but I only felt a dull ache along my entire spine.

Chief Thunderhooves yawned and rubbed his eyes. “Mother, it's time to wake up.”

The Matriarch was snoring again, this time with her head propped up against Pinkie Pie's rump. She was drooling into her open satchel.

“Mother!” Thunderhooves growled and poked the side of her head.

“I'M BEIN' ATTACKED!” the geriatric buffalo screeched. “SOMEONE GET ME A SPEAR AND A BRAN MUFFIN!”

“What's goin' on? Who's bein' 'tacked?” Applejack asked groggily as she was woken up by the yelling. The entire camp seemed to be awake now too.

“No one is being attacked,” the chief said as he calmly shut his distant grandmother's mouth. “It's time to find out what the second trial is.”

“Already?” Rarity asked incredulously as she magically removed dozens of curlers from her mane and tail. “Cog only just finished the first task! And you expect him to carry on right to the next part?”

“Yes,” said the Matriarch as she pulled away from Thunderhooves' hoof.She seemed to have temporarily regained her mental clarity again. “Restin' between the tests isn't permitted. That's one reason why we don't have many ponies tryin' to join our tribe. Now where did those rocks go to?”

“Cog, are you alright?” Fluttershy asked gently as she flew over and examined the damage that the rock had done to my back. “That looks bad. I'll go get some bandages and take care of that.”

“Sorry, but healing up isn't allowed either,” Little Strongheart said regretfully. “It'll have to wait until all three parts are over.”

“Is there anything else that we can't do while this is going on?” I asked through clenched teeth. The fatigue, pain, and lack of cigarettes had sent my temper to dangerous levels.

“If you're all done talkin'...” the Matriarch said impatiently as she gathered her stones together. Her earlier yelling had attracted the attention of the entire camp and the majority of the buffaloes tiredly resumed their places in the wide circle to watch the remaining tests. Apparently they didn't have anything better to do this early in the day.

With more chanting, the Matriarch tossed the stones again. They fell in a confused spread and she bent over them to determine the result. It suddenly occurred to me to wonder how she could tell what the rocks said if she was blind, and no answer presented itself.

“Hmmm...interestin'. This roll means that you get to skip the second trial completely. It seems that the Ancients actually want you to become a member after all.”

“Well, that's good,” Strongheart said with a small smile while the Matriarch gathered the rocks for the final toss. “That's one less thing to worry about.”

The stones were rolled a third time. I could have sworn that I saw a dark shadow that was shaped vaguely like a lion's paw pass over them as they settled, but none of the others seemed to notice. I furiously blinked my eyes to clear my vision as the Matriarch looked at the resulting mess of rocks.

“Oh, my. I guess I was wrong. The Ancients just want to hurry up and get to the part where you die.”

“The...wait, what?” I mumbled blearily. That didn't sound right. “Could you run that by me again?”

“The last test is one of combat,” she explained with an evil smile. “You'll have to fight one of our own.”

“Combat?” Rarity cried in alarm. “Are you sure?”

“Absolutely,” the Matriarch said with a nasty chuckle. “And against Ironjaw, no less.”

“Ironjaw?!” Thunderhooves and Strongheart shouted in unison, their faces identical masks of horror. A lot of the other buffaloes suddenly began whispering nervously to each other. A few even purposefully took a few steps away from me.

“What's going on?” Rainbow Dash demanded. The zipper on her mouth had disappeared at some point during the night. “What's wrong? Who's Ironjaw?”

“Cog,” Strongheart said with deadly seriousness. “If you want my advice, you should withdraw from the rite immediately. You don't want a fight with Ironjaw.”

“Are you kidding me?” I asked, really pissed off at what I was hearing. “I just gave a fucking boulder a ride all night! And now you're telling me to drop out? What gives?”

“He's not backin' out!” Applejack agreed heartily. “An' don' even think 'bout givin' 'im a reason ta! Mah sis ain't waitin' a whole month ta get home!”

“You don't understand! Not only is Ironjaw a crazy monster, but he's bloodthirsty too!”

“I've dealt with the 'bloodthirsty' type before,” I said and rolled my eyes. “They're all a bunch of pushovers who just talk tough.”

“Not Ironjaw!” Strongheart insisted. “I mean he's literally bloodthirsty. He doesn't live in the camp anymore because he'll kill animals just to rip them apart and drink their blood. And if he can't catch any, he'll eat cactus fruits with the spikes still in them so that cuts his mouth up while he chews!”

Fluttershy's eyes went wide. “K-k-kills a-animals?” she asked with a terrified squeak.

“Well, are you goin' to fight or not?” the Matriarch asked impatiently.

“I have a bad feeling about this, Cog,” Twilight whispered apprehensively.

I really should have thought a bit longer before answering. Every one of the buffaloes present, with the exception of the too-eager Matriarch, was agitated at the very mention of Ironjaw's name. Little Strongheart was genuinely reluctant to let me carry on. The elder cow had sounded pretty certain that I would be killed.

If I'd had a clear head, I would have recognized that those were all signs that something was wrong. Very wrong.

But I was half-delirious at this point and just tossed my head.

“Let's get this over with,” I muttered loudly.

* * * * *

The fight was to take place inside a small cave that sunk into the side of a mountain that was fairly close to the camp. The whole place was oddly humid and sharp stalactites hung from the vaulted ceiling. A few torches that were stuck to the walls provided dim, flickering light in the darkness.

A pair of buffalo bulls busied themselves with drawing a large circle in the middle of the cavern with green paint. The edges of the ring stretched almost to the rough walls, which didn't leave a lot of room for the spectators.

“I don't like this,” Twilight said seriously as we waited. “There's no telling what's going to happen.”

“Cog's gonna get the shit beat outta him, that's what's gonna happen,” Rainbow whispered loudly enough for everyone to hear.

“Rainbow Dash! What is wrong with you?” Rarity demanded harshly before I could make my own response. “It's one thing to not trust somepony, but there's no reason at all to say such things! And furthermore, Cog is...is...I...Oh my.” Her voice died off as she laid eyes on the newcomer that entered the cave.

Let's put together a buffalo in your mind: he's the biggest, meanest, scariest, nastiest buffalo imaginable. Add more muscles and a perpetual sneer. Make him growl and snort menacingly at everything he sees. The ground shakes when he walks. He's the stuff of nightmares.

Ironjaw was that buffalo's abusive older brother. He wasn't big; he was goddamn enormous. Chief Thunderhooves was tiny in comparison. Even in my dazed state, I could recognize the dangers of fighting a foe as large as a bull elephant.

But even if he'd been the same size as the other buffaloes, he still would've been fucking terrifying. His black hide and glaring red eyes made him look like some kind of balrog-buffalo hybrid. His horns were massive shards of bone and the ends had been filed down to keen points. There were dark, rust-like stains on the tips. It was all too easy to imagine him impaling a rabbit or fox on them and pinning it down until it bled to death.

But the worst part of all was his mouth. Every millimeter of his black lips was covered with jagged scars and open sores that he occasionally licked at. His gray tongue was also scarred and had a large bloody ulcer on the end. I swear that I could have gotten tetanus just from looking at it, but I had trouble tearing my gaze away.

At the sight of him, Fluttershy squeaked and cowered in a trembling lump behind a stalagmite. Rainbow's mouth dropped open in shock. Applejack looked like she couldn't believe that such a fiendish creature could even exist. Twilight looked ready to run away. Rarity looked ready to faint away. Pinkie looked like she was imagining putting a party hat on Ironjaw's head and tying balloons to his horns.

Ironjaw sniffed at the air as he came all the way inside the cave. His wild red eyes fixed on me, or, more accurately, my injured back.

“Blood,” I heard him mutter to himself. His voice was gravelly and rough beyond belief, and that single word sent an ice-cold tingle down my spine.

“Uh, Ah take back what Ah said earlier,” Applejack said nervously. “Maybe ya should back out after all.”

“No way,” I heard myself say, even though I hadn't told my mouth to move. That felt weird, but then again my whole body felt weird at that point. I just chalked it up to fatigue.

“Cog, don't do this!” Rarity muttered in my ear hysterically. “You can't do this, just look at him! You're in no condition to fight anything, let alone that monster!”

“When you're ready, step into the ring,” Chief Thunderhooves said, his voice even and emotionless. Ironjaw moved to one edge of the green circle and stomped his massive hoof restlessly. The other buffaloes took a few hurried steps away from him and waited anxiously for the fight to begin.

“Standard fightin' rules,” the Matriarch said aloud, a bit too excited about the proceedings for my comfort. “Beat each other up until one of you can't fight anymore. No weapons. If you go outside the circle, you lose.”

“Uh, we're having second thoughts, actually,” Twilight announced quickly.

“The hell we are,” I snapped and stepped to the remaining half of the ring. Again, I hadn't made myself do any of that. Strange, I thought as I experimentally flicked my tail around.

Before crossing the line, I paused and turned back to the others. “Anypony got some advice?”

“Put your head between your legs and kiss your butt goodbye!” Pinkie shouted, her ever-present grin stretching from ear to ear.

I rolled my eyes. “Anypony got some useful advice?”

“Keep your eyes open and don't underestimate him,” Little Strongheart offered.

“Is it even possible ta overestimate 'im?” Applejack asked apprehensively as she looked at Ironjaw again. The buffalo was still staring transfixedly at my spine.

I turned my back on them, took a quick breath, and stepped into the circle. Immediately, Ironjaw stamped his hooves into the rocky ground and launched himself at me with a savage growl.

If I hadn't gotten so used to my equine body over the previous days, the fight would have been over in less than two seconds. As it happened, I was able to dodge to the side and avoid the buffalo's charge. He somehow kept himself from going over the edge of the circle and pivoted to face me again.

I'd thought that he was pretty scary before, but I almost shit myself from the look in his eyes at that particular moment. It wasn't just because of what he looked like or even that he wanted to suck the blood right out of my veins, but it was the sheer joy that glinted in his gaze. He was trying to kill me and he was having the time of his fucking life.

I was so distracted by the realization that he was going to have fun stomping me into paste that I almost didn't get out of the way as he jabbed his head massive head toward me. Almost. I managed to back away far enough so that his forehead stopped a couple inches short.

Out of sheer instinct, I rammed my own head forward as soon as his momentum stopped. The top of my skull collided with his, and it was like headbutting a solid steel barrier. I might as well have attacked the walls of the cave for all the good it did.

As I backed off and tried to get my head straight again, Ironjaw actually snorted in derisive amusement. Then he bounded after me again and struck out with a single hoof.

I wish I could say that I was quicker and more agile than him because I was so much smaller. But that wasn't the case at all; even Rainbow Dash would have been hard pressed to get out of his way. Given my present condition, there was no way that I could have possibly avoided his latest attack.

It felt like someone had swung a sledgehammer right into my shoulder, and the impact threw me into the center of the circle. I heard the ponies cry out as I painfully hit the ground, and there was a sympathetic groan from the buffaloes as well. I shot a quick glance at the spectators and say that many of them were shaking their heads in pity.

I muttered a few particularly vile swearwords and tried to push myself back to my hooves, but Ironjaw's foot came down on my withers and pinned my collarbone to the ground and shoved my face into the dust. That got a short nicker of pain out of me.

He lowered his head to my back, which was bleeding again from the scabs tearing themselves open. I could hear him sniff a few times.

“Blood,” he muttered softly as I squirmed and tried desperately to break away from the hoof that held me immobile. My struggling didn't do a damn thing.

I felt something wet and slimy slowly drag itself across my spine and realized that he was tasting my blood before going for the kill. The thought of becoming his next drink really didn't seem like a pleasant way to die.

My back legs kicked out and upward seemingly of their own accord. I must have gotten a lucky shot and hit his kidney or some other vulnerable area because he grunted in pain and the pressure from his hoof let up. I quickly rolled away before he could recover and stood up.

Ironjaw growled in fury as I got away. His eyes burned with hatred and his tongue passed over his lips a few times, as if he were trying to savor every last bit of my blood before continuing the fight. He let me collect myself and didn't rush to tear me apart for some reason.

Shit, this isn't working out, I realized as my shoulder twinged in pain again. I was limping slightly to compensate. I need a new strategy. Something that'll catch him off guard.

I backed up a few more steps and found myself at the very edge of the circle, this time at the end where my opponent had started from. He was still standing in the middle, just biding his time and watching me hungrily. Waiting for me to make the next move.

My move was to plant my legs in a firm stance and rake my forehoof against the ground twice. There was a surprised gasp from the audience as I lowered my head in a challenge.

“Have you lost your mind?!” Twilight shouted, but I ignored her and concentrated on the black demon-buffalo in front of me.

Ironjaw just blinked a few times in disbelief. Even to his addled mind, this must have seemed like a really stupid thing to do. Hell, it seemed stupid to me too.

But sometimes its the stupid things that really make a difference, I thought to myself. That was exactly as reassuring as you'd think.

I pushed my legs as hard as they could go and galloped straight at my foe. In response, Ironjaw's huge hooves thundered and shook the cavern as he came running right at me. His red eyes were locked on mine as the distance closed. The buffaloes around the circle all sucked their breath in and some covered their faces so that they wouldn't get chunks of me flying into their eyes.

A fraction of a second before collision, I leaped forward and to the left. I knew that what I was doing would be painful if not outright fatal, but to my overclocked brain it was the only thing that had a chance of actually inflicting any damage. A very slim chance.

Ironjaw didn't have time to react as I crashed into his leg and threw all of my weight against it. For reference, it felt like jumping out of a speeding car and smacking straight into a telephone pole. But by some miracle I managed to get a decent hold and yanked downward.

I got lucky. Really lucky. Not only did my suicidal attack actually manage to throw off his balance, I hit him just as he was pushing off with his back legs. The end result was that he tripped over me, flew into the air, and fell into a rolling crash that make the cave tremble violently. Most of the torches were thrown right off the walls.

A few of the surrounding buffaloes had to scramble to avoid being flattened by the tumbling Ironjaw, and the others all stared in amazement at what had just happened. To say that their jaws dropped would be an understatement—they were totally floored that I was still alive. Chief Thunderhooves looked particularly astonished, and the way that his eyes bugged out would have been hilarious if I hadn't been in so much pain.

My sternum and ribs all blazed with torturous pain from the collision with his leg, but I forced my body to obey and stood back up. That really hurt, and I muttered some of the most vulgar words in existence as I turned to face the insane black buffalo, who had already gotten to his hooves again. There was a collective hiss of shock from everyone present as he spun around and we all got another look at him.

Ironjaw's face was messed up. It's really not surprising that smacking it into the ground and putting his whole weight on it would break his nose and scratch his chin to hell, but most of his lower lip was completely torn away as well. His cankerous gray tongue dabbed gingerly at the furiously bleeding wound and lapped up as much blood as possible. After a few moments of that, he shifted his eyes back to me.

I hadn't thought that it was even possible to piss him off any more, but I'd somehow managed to do it. By all the laws of physics, the intensity of his glare should have made my coat burst into flames. He snorted in fury and charged at me yet again.

Fuck, I had time to think.

I got ready to dodge once more—or at least try to, assuming my battered body would allow it—but Ironjaw's hooves sank right into the ground and stuck there. Caught by surprise, he thrashed around in the liquified rock and tried to get his footing, but he just sunk deeper. Then his hooves were trapped completely as the ground solidified once again.

“What is the meaning of this?” Chief Thunderhooves demanded angrily as Ironjaw fought against the stone that imprisoned him. “You're not allowed to interfere!”

I flicked my eyes around and discovered that the chief was yelling at Twilight, whose horn was surrounded by fading purple light. She was scowling at the struggling Ironjaw.

“I'm not interfering!” she said irascibly. “Were any of you paying attention? The fight's over. He went over the line.”

There was a string of surprised muttering around the ring of buffaloes as they realized that she was right. Ironjaw had rolled out of the ring after tripping over me and was trapped a few inches outside green circle.

Holy shit, I actually won, I thought numbly as the applause started. The buffaloes stamped their hooves and a few called out congratulations. The Matriarch looked a little disappointed that I wasn't a red smear on the floor, but begrudgingly added her own stomps.

It was much the same with the ponies. Twilight, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie looked genuinely happy that the fight was over and that I'd survived. Applejack and Fluttershy still seemed to be in shock over the whole ordeal. Rainbow Dash was muttering something about how she could have beaten Ironjaw in a more spectacular way in a fraction of the time, but even she seemed to realize how bitchy that sounded.

I just rolled my eyes and reminded myself that I'd overcome the buffaloes' challenge. The way was clear to their sacred cave and the second clue. I took a deep, painful breath of the smoky air and let my tense muscles relax.

That was the wrong thing to do.

With a ear-shattering Crack!, Ironjaw ripped his legs right out of the rocky ground. And fixed his fiery red eyes on me again.

“BLOOOOOD!” he roared and sprinted at me. He lowered his head like a battering ram.

I was caught off guard and didn't get out of the way in time. There was an agonizing pain in my side as his razor-sharp horn stabbed into my ribcage. He tossed his head and threw me off effortlessly.

You never really know what it feels like to fly through the air, spurting blood out of a hole in your side, and crash into a solid stone wall until it happens to you. Suffice to say that it is painful as hell.

“Unh! Motherfucker!” I groaned weakly as I rolled off the wall and fell to the ground. My vision flashed from white to black and back again and my glasses were skewed at an awkward angle on my nose. I could feel a lot of blood pouring out of the wound. That couldn't be good.

“Stand down, Ironjaw!” Little Strongheart shouted somewhere in the distance. “The fight's over! Back off! Stop!”

But he wasn't listening to a word she said. He'd tasted my blood, and the sight of more was driving him into a berserk rage. He shook off the buffaloes that crowded around and tried to hold him back.

“BLOOOOOD!” he screamed again as he shoved his way through the line and charged.

I frantically tried to get up and move out of his way, but my legs refused to support my weight. My body fell right back down and my shoulders blazed with pain. Even my adrenaline wasn't enough to overcome the damage.

Ironjaw was less than twenty feet away and his mad eyes burned with bloodlust. The ground shook with the force of his hoofs pounding on it.

“NO!” Rarity yelled and threw herself between him and me. Her horn sparked with magic.

I tried to shout and tell her to get out of Ironjaw's way, but my mouth chose to disobey my commands. I was forced to watch helplessly as he closed the distance like a runaway freight train.

Just as the deranged buffalo was about to run Rarity down, the ground that he was moving over cracked and a rough circle of it shot straight up in the air, carrying Ironjaw away with it. A split second later, there was a sickening crunch as it smashed into the jagged stalactites above.

As the echoes of the crash faded, a dead silence filled the cave. Ponies and buffaloes alike stared in shock at what had just happened.

The chunk of stone didn't fall from the ceiling. Instead, a thin stream of dark red blood noiselessly trickled downward and splattered into a small crimson puddle on the floor.

Rarity's ears dropped and she turned around to look at me. He expression changed from reluctant satisfaction to utter horror at what she saw.

“Cog!” she shouted as she ran up and knelt by my side. I tried to get up and tell her not to worry, but my entire body felt numb. I had to fight to breathe and everything in sight was a little fuzzy around the edges.

“Oh, Celestia, this is bad,” Rarity muttered hysterically as she grabbed my head and turned it so that I was staring into her face. Her sparkling blue eyes were the only things that I could make out clearly anymore.

“Cog, listen to me,” she said seriously as the air behind her filled with blurry shades of orange, purple, blue, yellow, and pink. “You need to stay alert. Focus! How many horns do you see?”

I blacked out before I could answer.

Ch. 7 (Halfway There)

Have you ever had one of those days where you wake up after being trampled, stabbed, and thrown around like a rag doll by a murderous vampire-buffalo? If you said yes, you have my sympathies, because they suck. Also, you're probably either delusional or a liar.

The first sensation that came to me was pain. Lots of pain. Tons of pain. Copious amounts of pain. Did I mention that it was painful? Because it was.

The worst of it was on the left side of my chest, with my back taking a close second, but the rest of my body ached as well. The very act of breathing stung horribly. I really wasn't looking forward to moving around in this condition.

With a quiet groan, I forced myself to raise my head and look around. Everything was blurry and indistinct. My glasses were sitting right next to me, so I picked those up and put them on. That helped immensely.

I was lying on a brown woolen bedroll inside a medium-sized teepee. It was fairly dark, with only a single streak of orange sunlight that leaked in around the entrance flap and spilled across the dirt floor. The air was filled with floating flecks of hot dust.

A quick examination of myself showed that all the paint that Little Strongheart had put on me had been washed off. Instead, I was covered in swaths of linen bandages. The white strips were concentrated most heavily on my ribs and spine, and there was a large rust-like stain that showed through the bulky poultice on my chest. I distantly wondered just how badly I'd been hurt and if any of the damage was going to be permanent.

Between the tent's entrance and me was Twilight Sparkle, who was lying down on a bulky cushion and reading a small blue book with “Advanced First Aid” printed on the cover. There were dark circles under her eyes and her normally-straight mane was slightly ruffled. She noticed me moving and set the book down on the ground.

“Good, you're finally awake,” she said tiredly.

I tried to respond, but my throat was completely dry and only a strangled croak came out. Twilight wordlessly levitated a nearby bowl of clear water in front of me.

While I drank, the memories of the previous day all came back. The buffaloes. The boulder. The fight with Ironjaw. Winning. Getting attacked afterward. Rarity saving my ass.

“We’re still in the buffalo camp,” Twilight explained while I was busy with the drink. “You were too injured to move to Appleloosa’s hospital, and their doctor’s not allowed to come here, so we’re using one of the teepees as a healing tent.”

“How long was I out?” I asked after the water was all gone and my esophagus felt marginally more normal.

She pulled the flap back slightly and looked outside. “The sun's about to set right now, so you've been here for about ten hours. Fluttershy and I spent most of the day patching you and Ironjaw up.”

“Iron—WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING HERE?!” I jumped up and backed away from the massive black buffalo, staggering slightly from the fresh waves of pain that resulted from the sudden movement. He was laid out across the opposite side of the teepee, and I somehow hadn't noticed his slow, deep breathing.

Like me, he had a bunch of bloodstained bandages running across his back and a few on his face. Despite the fact that he was clearly unconscious—and that at some point Pinkie had taken the opportunity to put a party hat on his head and tie a bunch of colorful balloons to his horns—the sight of him sent a surge of terror through my mind. My first instinct was to run right the hell away from him.

“Don't worry,” Twilight said quickly before I could bolt out of there. “I put a spell on him so he won't wake up for about a week. Now calm down and go back to sleep. You need to rest up and heal.”

I took a few deep breaths to get my pulse under control, then shook my head. That shock had made all of my fatigue disappear, and spells or no spells, I didn't want to have Ironjaw in my vicinity for another second. “No, I'm...I'm fine. Let's get going and find that cave—”

“No, you're not fine,” she broke in firmly. “I don't know what the definition of 'fine' is in Fillydelphia, but you're not. You had four broken ribs, two dislocations, six ripped muscles, a punctured lung, and Celestia knows what damage that boulder did to your spine. You're lucky to even be alive right now! And you say that you're fine?” She was glaring at me as she finished.

“Was it really that bad?” I asked as I took another look at myself. It didn’t look like I’d been through all that.

“Yes, and considering how much work we had to do to save your life, I'd really appreciate it if you'd lie back down let your body fix itself.”

I shook my head again. “Look, the whole reason that I got so fucked up was because we need to get into that cave and find the clue, right? So let's go there and figure out what Discord left for us. Then I'll rest up. Deal?”

I fully expected Twilight to protest some more, but instead she sighed heavily and gave a reluctant nod. “Alright, but please try to not break anything else. We used up all of the buffaloes' magic bandages, and those things aren't easy to come by around here.”

With a noncommittal grunt, I took a few unsteady steps to the entrance and pushed my way outside. Walking didn't hurt quite as much as I'd feared, but it was still pretty uncomfortable. My knees felt a little weak and the bandages restricted how far I could move my limbs. I definitely didn't want to do any more traveling than absolutely necessary.

On the other side of the flap was a pacing Little Strongheart, who looked up quickly as I appeared. Her expression brightened as she saw me, then her ears dropped as her eyes found the bandages.

“Oh my,” she muttered, then forced a smile. “Well, Cog, it's, uh...it's good to see you moving again so soon. How are you feeling?”

“About as good as I think I look right now,” I replied sourly.

Strongheart's smile slipped right off her face. “Oh. Well, you certainly look like you've been through a lot, if you don't mind me saying so.”

“He'll live,” Twilight reassured her as she followed me out of the tent. “Ironjaw got off easy, by the way. Just a concussion and some flesh wounds.”

“Good,” Chief Thunderhooves rumbled as he approached from the side of the teepee. “The sooner he recovers, the sooner I can banish him.”

“Banish him?” Twilight asked in surprise. “Isn't that a bit drastic?”

“He attacked your friend even after the fight was over. He then disobeyed a direct order to stop and tried to finish him off,” the chief glowered darkly, then slowly shook his feather-covered head. “No, Ironjaw's too dangerous to be around the tribe any longer. As soon as he is able to travel, he'll be exiled to the Gorge of Lament.”

“Well, we may be losing a tribe member, but we've gained one as well,” Strongheart said brightly. “I suppose now we can get on with the initiation ceremony.”

“I'm not gonna have to fight something else now, am I?” I asked seriously. My legs were already burning just from standing around and it was still difficult to take deep breaths. In my current state, I probably would have lost a wrestling match with a narcoleptic goldfish.

“No, the hard part's over,” she assured me. “It's just a few formalities and a celebration in honor of you making it through the tests. After we're done with that, you'll be recognized as a true buffalo pony.”

“Alright, I can live with tha—”

“YAY!” a pink cannonball shouted as it suddenly knocked me flat on my back and squeezed the air right out of me. Every injury flared up again simultaneously.

“OW! The fuck—?” I couldn't finish that thought, as Pinkie's embrace left me unable to breathe.

“Cog! You're awake! We were all so worried about you!” she squealed as her grip tightened even more. I futilely fought to break free.

“Pinkie!” Twilight shouted angrily as my ribs threatened to crack again.

“Twilight!” Pinkie yelled back as she released me and smiled wide. “Do you want a hug too?”

I gasped for breath and rolled over while the unicorn harshly began to lecture Pinkie about her rough greetings. As soon as the air hit my lungs, I started coughing violently. To my alarm, small flecks of blood came out of my mouth and landed in the dirt.

“Are you alright?” Rarity asked concernedly as she showed up. Applejack walked beside her, and Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy floated in their wake. The latter also looked really worried.

Upon seeing Rarity, I felt a small, barely-noticeable tingle deep in my chest. For a brief moment, I worried that Pinkie had succeeded in breaking something important, but some distant, seldom-used portion of my brain informed me that the feeling wasn't physical.

“Yeah, I think so,” I said as I wiped the blood from my mouth with a hoof. I tried to ignore the tingling, but the feeling persisted.

“He'll be fine,” Twilight said as she gave up trying to reason with Pinkie—judging by the pink pony's absentminded smile, she was only hearing every tenth word or so. “He'll be doing that for the next day or two, but it's nothing to worry about.”

Fluttershy helped me get back on my feet. “Cog, sh-should you be moving around right now?” she asked, her voice heavy with concern.

“Probably not, but let's worry about that later. Let's finish with the ceremony thing and get the clue first.”

“Typical stupid tough-guy stuff,” Rainbow muttered sourly under her breath. She seemed to be making an effort to look at anything and everything that wasn't me.

I deliberately chose to ignore that remark and instead turned to Rarity. The tingle got a little stronger as her eyes met mine.

“Hey, uh, thanks. For saving my life earlier.”

She smiled cordially. “But of course. What else are friends for?”

Friends, I echoed in my head. I'd already suspected that I had earned the ponies' friendship over the past days—with half of them, anyway—but hearing her say it out loud created a warm glow that spread through my whole equine body.

I felt the corners of my mouth twitch upward by a millimeter or two.

* * * * *

The initiation ceremony began with everyone in the camp gathering around the bonfire yet again. The sun had gone down already, and the flames cast a circle of flickering golden light and dark shadows. The chilly desert air was kept comfortable by the fire's warmth.

Rather than giving us mistrustful glances and sneers, the buffaloes had nothing but respect for me—and, by extension, the other six ponies—this time. Most nodded kindly and offered words of sympathy or congratulation. I suppose it was only natural that I'd knocked myself a few notches higher on their social ladder after surviving a fight with Ironjaw. Being wounded probably didn't hurt their view of me, either.

While we waited, I absentmindedly tried to pull out my cigarettes. Once again, I failed miserably. My hoof just pawed ineffectually at my stud stamp for a few seconds before I remembered that I didn't have any pockets.

“Cog, a-are you sure you're alright?” Fluttershy asked yet again. She cringed every time she saw the bloodstains.

I was starting to get irritated, but I tried to keep my voice even. “I'm fine, Fluttershy. I was fine when you asked me ten minutes ago. I was fine when you asked me five minutes ago. I'll be fine five minutes from now when you ask me again.”

“S-s-sorry, I-I just...” her voice trailed off uncertainly and she dropped her eyes to the ground. Dammit, she was still as adorable as ever.

“Look, I really do appreciate your concern, but don't worry so much. You did a good job fixing me up, and I'll let you know right away if anything changes.”

Fluttershy brightened up a little at my compliment. “O-okay. I...I just did the best I could. I-I mean, it could have been better, but the buffaloes don't have a doctor here.”

One of the nearest buffaloes (Was it Rockhorn? It's really hard to tell them apart.) chuckled under his breath and swung his head in out direction. “We've never had a doctor,” he said with a joking grin. “We eat our wounded.”

Pinkie Pie gasped. “Just like chiropractors!”

“Everyone gather around,” Little Stongheart said loudly as she stepped forward, which cut the discussion off before it go any further. The few other conversations died away as well and all eyes turned to her.

“Now, as I'm sure you're all aware, we have a new tribe member. He successfully completed the trials that were appointed for him, and as such we will now formally welcome him into our ranks. Isn't that right, Matriarch?”

The silence after her question dragged on for several seconds. Everyone looked around uncertainly when no response was made.

“Mother! Wake up!” Thunderhooves growled and prodded the sleeping cow.

“SHUT UP AND MAKE ME A SANDWICH!” she screeched and swung her hoof at him. Or, rather, at where she thought he was, which happened to be a full 180 degrees off.

“Matriarch, we're trying to finalize Cog's entry to the tribe,” Strongheart said soothingly.

The Matriarch looked around in confusion, then grinned. “Riversteps! It's so nice to see you again! How's your garden, dear? Say, did I ever tell you about the time that I made love with four bulls at once?”

“Yes, you have,” Strongheart said quickly. “Now, if you could just—”

“It was sometime in the winter about three centuries ago, just south of the Whitetooth Mountains. We were in a meadow and the snow was coming down—”

“I thought it was in the spring by a river,” Pinkie Pie interrupted, a confused look on her face.

“That was the other time! One of them, anyway. Now where was I? Oh, right, I remember now. One of those bulls was Lizardtongue, and he certainly lived up to his name—”

“Mother!” Thunderhooves shouted, clearly getting irritated with the senile cow. “We're not here for your stories! We have a rite to finish.”

“Well, why didn't you just say so?” she asked impatiently as she entered yet another moment of mental clarity. “So rude! I swear, buffaloes never behaved so shamefully back in my day! Now where did that stallion get to?”

“Uh, over here,” I spoke up, then winced as her blind eyes focused in my direction. She stood up and shuffled over to me.

“Ah yes, the one who survived the fight with Ironjaw,” the Matriarch muttered wheezily as she lifted a frail hoof and gently prodded the poultice on my chest. “Seems to me like you got the worst of it. But since you're still alive, it's time to move on to the last few steps. Where's my bag? We need the feathers.”

“Here, Matriarch,” Little Stongheart said and stuck her face into the battered satchel from before. After a moment of searching, she pulled her head back up. Two feathers, one white with a black tip and one blue with thin red stripes, were clenched in her teeth.

“Right,” the Matriarch continued as Strongheart messed around with the feathers and a couple of small metal clips. “We'll stick these in your hair. The white feather identifies you as a member of our particular tribe. Just in case you ever find yourself in the company of another one. The blue one symbolizes that you've successfully overcome the trials of the Ancients, and the red bits were added to show that you spilled a little blood while doing it.”

“Is that bit important?” Twilight asked curiously. She was watching the whole thing intensely and a small quill was frantically writing down notes on a piece of paper in front of her.

“Not very,” Chief Thunderhooves answered. “It doesn't make much difference, but we still make the distinction.”

As Strongheart clipped the feathers to my mane, I glanced around at the surrounding buffaloes. The feathers hanging from their heads all seemed to be either white or a very light gray.

“Am I gonna have to leave these in forever?” I asked. The way things were going, the feathers would be ruined before the week was over.

Strongheart shook her head as she finished putting them in. “You can take them out later if you like, but it's bad form to be in or around the camp without them. Anyway, we're ready to advance to the next stage of your initiation.”

“Alright,” I nodded. “What's that?”

“It is customary for the new member to perform music of some kind for the rest of the tribe,” the chief said gruffly.

I blinked a few times. “Music?”

“Music,” Stongheart confirmed reassuringly. “You could sing or play an instrument—anything goes, really. And don't worry, we won't kick you out of the tribe based on your performance.” She smiled sheepishly during that last sentence, and I could tell that she realized just how dry that joke was.

“Hmm. Well, I guess I could—” I was cut off by a familiar bouncing streak of pink that picked me right up and set me down on the nearest log bench.

“Play this!” Pinkie said giddily as she pulled a guitar out of her saddlebag and shoved it into my hooves.

“Wha....Okay, seriously, how the hell did you carry this thing around in there?” I asked as I inspected the instrument. It was a plain wooden acoustic guitar with twenty-two frets and steel strings. It wasn't a very big one, but it was still quite a bit larger than her bag was.

“By sticking it between the stove knobs and the bicycle chains, duh!” she said, like she couldn't believe I even had to ask. Literally everyone in attendance raised an incredulous eyebrow at that.

I sighed and shook my head. “Pinkie Pie, you are so random.”

My right hoof plucked at the strings experimentally. Somehow, they were already in tune. As if this wasn't weird enough already, I thought to myself. Then again, Pinkie was involved. If it wasn't weird, that would have been...well...weird, I guess.

I thought for several moments, wondering what song to play. My own guitar was gathering dust in my apartment's closet, but I could still clearly remember how to play a few of my favorite songs. So I could just pick one at random and be done with it, right?

Then I realized that I had two big problems. First was the fact that I had already exposed the ponies to some of Earth's music during my last visit. Would they recognize a song that they had heard years before? Would they make the connection if they did? That would lead to awkward questions.

The other issue, which should have been extremely obvious, was that I was going to have to play with hooves instead of fingers. In case you somehow don't know this, you kind of need fingers to play a guitar worth a damn.

So I needed a song that the ponies had never heard, was so simple that I could have played it with one or two fingers, and was fairly slow to compensate for my lack of dexterity. It took a few seconds, but I thought of one that could work. I stuck my left hoof up to the guitar's neck and gently pressed it against the strings. With a little twisting and discomfort, I managed to form approximations of a few basic chords.

That'll work, I said to myself. It won't be perfect, but it's good enough.

I took a deep breath to prepare myself and began to play the actual song. The buffaloes and mares all cocked their ears with interest as the slow music filled the dry air. A few single notes with a hammer-on, a series of chords, more single notes, more chords.

The slides and bends that came afterward were a little more difficult, but they sounded decent enough. It wasn't long before I was strumming a simple four-chord pattern, which was a fair bit easier.

“So,” I sang quietly.

“So you think you can tell

Heaven from Hell,

Blue skies from pain.

Can you tell a green field

From a cold steel rail?

A smile from a veil?

Do you think you can tell?

Did they get you to trade

Your heroes for ghosts?

Hot ashes for trees?

Hot air for a cool breeze?

Cold comfort for change?

And did you exchange

A walk-on part in the war

For a lead role

In a cage?”

I forewent the solo, instead playing the notes from the intro again. I probably could have pulled it off, but I thought it sounded better like that anyway. Then it was back to the chords again.

“How I wish,

How I wish you were here.

We're just

Two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl

Year after year.

Running over the same old ground,

What have we found?

The same old fears.

Wish you were here.”

A short outro followed, then I was finished. It wasn't the best rendition of that song, but everyone listening seemed to like it. A short round of polite applause broke out once I let the last note fade away.

After that, there were a few more stages of the ceremony to go through, which mostly consisted of the Matriarch chanting and the chief speaking. I was a bit disappointed that there wasn't a peace pipe, but decided that it was probably for the best anyway.

Then it was time for the promised celebration. The buffaloes' idea of a party was to bring out some food and tell stories around the fire. I thought that Pinkie Pie seemed a little underwhelmed by how tame it was, but it was difficult to tell when she was constantly (and messily) devouring bowl after bowl of the gruel that our hosts provided.

I was pretty hungry myself, as I hadn't had anything to eat since the fruit salad on the train to Appleloosa. A few helpings of gruel took care of that, though it was a little annoying when Fluttershy tried to spoon-feed me. I proved that I could take care of myself by shoving my face into the bowl and licking out every last bit. It was an extremely uncouth way to eat, but still effective as hell.

Between bites of the gruel—which tasted like barley, with a touch of honey—the buffaloes asked questions. They wanted to know who I was, what I did, where I was from, and all kinds of personal information. I gave them as much information as I had given the ponies (that I was a tinker from Fillydelphia) and avoided the rest of their inquiries as best I could. I still didn't like lying, but I didn't dare to deviate from my story and risk exposing myself to the others.

By midnight, most of the buffaloes had fallen asleep and Little Strongheart finally agreed to lead the way to the sacred cave and Discord's message.

* * * * *

My knees felt like they were full of thumb tacks as we plodded along in the dark desert. I gritted my teeth and tried to ignore the pain and instead focused my attention on the wide, craggy mountain in front of us.

“Ain't this th' same cave where we was this mornin'?” Applejack asked as we approached the rocky mountainside. The wind was gusting erratically and whipped our manes and tails around forcefully.

“Yes, but that's not where we're going,” Strongheart replied as she trotted right past the dark hole's entrance. A blazing torch was held upright in a small canvas holster that hung over her shoulder, and the wind made the weak flame sputter and threaten to go out. “It should be right...about...here!”

She pointed at a bigger and darker hole about two hundred feet further along the side of the flinty mountain. A large arch of archaic symbols were carved into the rock over the tunnel's entrance. As we approached, the runes glowed with a bright orange light.

“Alright, now we're getting' somewhere,” Rainbow Dash said, then sped forward.

“Wait!” Strongheart cried out as the pegasus entered the rocky passage.

At the exact instant that Rainbow crossed the tunnel's threshold, I learned something about Equestria: there are two kinds of magic.

The first type is what I like to call “dumb” magic. It's the simpler of the two, and by all accounts it's easier to use. A “dumb” spell will work the same way on anything that it's cast at, regardless of what it is. For example, a unicorn's fireball usually doesn't care if it is cast at a tree, a rock, another pony, a stack of important papers, or nothing at all. To the spell, everything is just a target waiting to be burned.

By contrast, “smart” magic will make a distinction between potential targets based on the caster's intentions. It's much harder to cast and control, but an accomplished magician like Twilight can create spells that are able to function in multiple ways, depending on what it ends up affecting. I had actually experienced this kind of thing once before with the enchantments on the sword and shield that Princess Luna had given to me to fight the shadow dragon, but I hadn't realized or even cared at the time.

I had my second exposure to “smart” magic when the glowing runes shot out a lightning bolt that hit Rainbow Dash right between the eyes.

For an extremely brief moment, we could see all of the bones in her body, as if we were looking at her with a X-ray machine. Every hair in her mane and tail stuck straight out and small sparks of electricity arched between the feathers in her wings.

Then the force of the attack knocked Rainbow out of the air and sent her tumbling backward in the dust. The resulting thunderclap left a faint ringing in my ears and the air crackled menacingly as the energy dispersed.

“Holy shit,” I muttered to myself as we all ran toward the fallen pegasus.

“Dashie! Are you alright?” Pinkie cried out. Her characteristic smile was replaced with worry and panic.

Rainbow coughed and sat up as we reached her side. Her face was blackened and the fringes of her frazzled mane were singed, but she didn't seem to be seriously hurt.

“Ow,” she mumbled blearily as she rubbed the side of her head. “What the hell just happened?”

“I tried to warn you,” Little Strongheart said with a sigh of relief.

Once it was clear that Rainbow was fine, Pinkie's face split into a grin and she snickered.

“What's so funny?” Rainbow demanded crossly as she got back on her hooves.

“Oh Dashie, you just look so...” She paused to pull a pair of sunglasses out of thin air and put them on. “...shocked.”

We all looked at her in disbelieving silence for a few seconds. Pinkie slid the shades to the end of her nose and looked over them in every direction, as if she were expecting something to happen.

“Huh,” she mumbled disappointedly.

“Ooookay,” Applejack said slowly, then addressed the buffalo. “Jus' what in tarnation was that all 'bout?”

“Ancient enchantments,” Strongheart explained, and she pointed at the pulsing symbols. “These make it so that only a member of our tribe can pass through unharmed. The rest of you must wait here while we go inside. Come along, Cog.”

She walked right on into the gaping hole and out of the wind, which allowed the torch to recover and give off a decent amount of light. The carved runes glowed even brighter as she passed underneath them, but nothing else happened.

“Alright, I'll be back soon,” I told the others and stepped up to the hole.

“Wait, are you sure about this?” Rarity asked hesitantly.

“Why wouldn't I be?” I asked, surprised by her question. The others gave her a searching look as well.

“Well...it's just that...I'm not comfortable with the idea of you wandering off in your present condition,” she finished quickly and dropped her gaze to the ground the ground. I thought I could see a faint bit of red in her cheeks.

“Don't worry. He'll make it quick, right?” Twilight said, directing the last word pointedly in my direction.

“You won't even know I'm gone,” I promised, then cautiously stepped into the rocky tunnel after the buffalo cow. Again the symbols got brighter as I did so, but no lightning came.

“Follow me,” Strongheart said and began walking toward the darkness. I fell in step beside her.

“So, how far is it, exactly?” I asked as we slowly plodded away from the moonlight and our friends. My voice bounced off the walls and repeated my question a few times.

“Not far,” she murmured as she walked straight ahead, letting the torch illuminate the darkness as she did so.

The earthy air had a wholesome quality that somehow made my ever-present craving for nicotine subside, though it didn't disappear completely. I took a few deep breaths, but was forced to stop that when my left lung objected painfully and threatened to start another coughing fit.

We kept moving along the dark tunnel for about a minute or two without talking. The ground dipped downward at a shallow angle and banked gently to the right. Soon, the passage's entrance was completely out of sight.

The tunnel's rough walls were covered in crude paintings, most of which seemed to be about buffaloes. There were swarms of buffaloes running, setting up camps in the desert, talking with each other, wrestling with each other, playing some kind of game with a ball, and so on. Hundreds of them. There were a few ponies and griffons and even a zebra or two as well, but they were vastly outnumbered.

“These paintings are our tribe's history,” Strongheart explained softly. “They're a chronicle of our members. Now that you are a part of us, we'll have to add you in.”

She stopped, lifted the torch out of its holster, and stuck it in the ground. I watched curiously as she stuck her face into her bag and pulled out a small clay pot. She pulled off the lid, dipped her hoof inside, and drew out some charcoal-gray paint, which she smeared onto an empty section of the wall.

“This is you,” she explained as she added a second dollop.

“Do I really look that bad?” I asked as I eyed the indistinct smudge of paint. It didn't look like a pony, or anything at all for that matter.

Little Strongheart allowed herself a small chuckle. “Well, yes, but that's beside the point. You have to touch it now.”

“Touch it?”

“Touch it.”

I reached out and touched it. For a moment, nothing happened. Then, for a few seconds, nothing continued to happen. I was just standing there with my hoof in the dripping paint.

Just as I was starting to think that I'd become the victim of the lamest prank in history, the paint started to move. As I watched, the dark liquid bubbled and swirled. It shifted around and stretched out in every direction as if it were alive, both obeying and defying gravity at once.

Five seconds later, it stopped. I speechlessly pulled my hoof away. Where there had previously been a dark, shapeless splatter was now a distinctly pony-like painting. It even had a couple of gear-shaped spots on its flank that were a slightly lighter color than the rest.

“Huh? What just happened?” I asked uncertainly.

“Magic, obviously,” Strongheart said plainly as she picked up the torch once more.

“Well, I figured tha....Wait, you can do that?” I looked at her sharply.

She stared back at me, a trace of confusion coloring her expression. “Of course. Surely you don't think that only ponies are capable of magic, do you?”

“I...uh...I don't know much about magic,” I replied truthfully.

Stronheart accepted that with a slow nod. “I suppose that's not surprising, since you're not a unicorn,” she said quietly as she started walking down the tunnel again and I followed about half a step behind. “Our magic isn't the same as pony magic, but it exists. Who did you think enchanted the entrance back there?”

“Hmm.”

The wall paintings became even more numerous as we continued our journey, and some of them actually covered up other, older pictures. Along the top of the tunnel was a streak of brilliant white paint that twisted around in fluid swirls. I nearly dismissed that whole thing as a fancy cloud, then did a double-take as I noticed a pale buffalo face sticking out of a thin tendril.

I looked closer and saw more faces in the streak. Dozens of them. Scores of horned heads looking down impassively at us.

“What are those?” I asked and pointed.

“The Ancients,” Little Strongheart answered, not even bothering to look up. “According to the legends, the spirits of our ancestors bring the clouds that pass over the desert every year. Supposedly, they can choose to hold back the rain if we make them angry or haven't honored their memories enough. That's what the stories say, anyway.”

I raised an eyebrow at her scoffing tone. “I take it that you don't believe that?”

She shook her head. “Of course not. Contrary to what you may have heard, we're not a bunch of backward savages. We know that clouds are either made or form naturally. The Matriarch is the only one who still insists that the Ancients are real, and that's only when she's not screaming at every rock or cactus that gives her a funny look. The rest of us just go along with it to keep her happy.”

I wanted to press for a little more information, but our conversation was cut short as the tunnel opened up into a small rounded cavern. The razor-sharp stalactites that hung from the ceiling immediately reminded me of my fight with Ironjaw and how badly it had almost ended.

Little Strongheart stuck her torch into a crude stone brazier that stood off to the side, and the wood within it immediately caught flame. The new fire illuminated the rest of the place nicely.

Unlike the one from that morning, this cave's many stalagmites had all had their tops cut off and replaced with short wooden blocks. Each piece of wood was covered in carvings and paint that all blended together in hypnotic patterns. A few had runes and letters scrawled on their surfaces, and one or two glowed softly as we came close.

“What are these?” I asked as I inspected one of the blocks more closely. The edges were lined with wavy symbols.

“These are our totems. The writing is mostly prophecies and predictions that came from either the Matriarch or her predecessors.”

“Really? What kinds of prophecies?”

Strongheart indicated the totem that I had been looking at. “If I remember correctly, this one says that some kind of plague will spread across the world. And the sign that it's about to happen is a whale and a bowl of petunias falling from the sky.”

I stared at her in disbelieving shock. “What.”

“I know, it doesn't make any sense at all. That's one of the reasons why none of us really pay attention to the Matriarch.”

“Huh. That's interesting. So, where's the clue?”

“Over here,” she said quietly and stepped up to the biggest totem, which stood at the far end of the cave. It was at least nine feet tall and the air around it pulsed with a faint blue light.

The top of the scarred wood had been skillfully sculpted and painted to look like a large raven's head. Great care had gone into each carved feather, and a polished black stone served as a beady eye. I could have sworn that the thing was actually looking at me as I approached.

But if the top of the totem was a piece of art made by a buffalo who knew what he was doing, the bottom half was anything but. There, the paint had dripped and smeared before drying, and most of the inscribed words were messy to the point of being completely illegible. As a readable account, it left a lot to be desired.

Jumbled and confused as the buffaloes' work was, Discord had made it abundantly clear which part was his doing. He'd put several colorful arrows on the totem, which all pointed at a bunch of black letters.

N
E O
R M E
H A I F
T O N G E
A D R I T D

“Another puzzle,” I groaned to myself. “That's just great.”

“We've tried to figure out what it means,” Strongheart offered evenly. “But we haven't been able to find a pattern that makes sense. As far as we can tell, it's just a jumble of letters.”

“There's a message in there somewhere,” I muttered as I examined the paint intently. “You just need to find out how to see it.”

* * * * *

I spent the better part of an hour staring at the clue and mentally demanding that it solve itself. Frustratingly, that didn't happen.

Reading the rows of letters in order obviously didn't give any kind of clear message. Neither did moving the lines around, no matter how I cut them. Reversing the order of the letters proved to be completely ineffectual. Reading in a zigzag pattern didn't help at all.

Little Strongheart had brought along some pencils and a few pieces of paper, which I quickly filled up with scribblings and copies of the clue. I tried writing the triangle of letters upside down, rotated both ways, upside down and rotated both ways, and anything else that I could think of. Nothing made the letters form coherent words.

I tapped my hoof against the floor in agitation. Something was nagging at the back of my head, and I struggled to figure out what exactly it was. It was like an itch inside my skull, and the only way to scratch it was to work out Discord's clue.

“Fuck,” I whispered for the dozenth time and rubbed my temples. My head felt swollen and my injuries ached. I wanted to sit down in the corner with a cigarette and a stiff drink while I unraveled the mystery.

Then it suddenly hit me. The corners! If I took just the three letters that made up the corners of the triangle and dropped the top one between the bottom two, I got AND.

That's a start, I thought as I excitedly crossed those letters off my written copy and wrote them in a blank spot underneath. That left just eighteen more letters to decipher.

For a minute or so, I was stumped again. A small part of my brain insisted that I was on the right track and that there was a method to the madness that was only just beyond of my mental reach. I could feel that I'd made some progress, and I refused to back down from the challenge.

Hmm, I thought as I considered the problem yet again. If I got the first three letters by reading in a clockwise motion...

I wrote down the three letters that were placed clockwise in relation to the corner ones. TOT. That wasn't exactly a proper word, but I was already taking the letters that were clockwise in relation to those letters. HEI. And again. RFR. Once more. EED.

At this point, the outside layer of the triangle was entirely crossed out. That left another, smaller triangle. I took off the corners (OMG) and read the last three letters clockwise like before (AIN).

My pencil quickly wrote out the letters one last time, leaving spaces where it seemed appropriate to separate the words.

AND TO THEIR FREEDOM GAIN

I spat out the pencil and eyed the message critically. It was worded awkwardly and was perhaps even less informative than the first clue, but the words had come from a clear and simple (if obscure) pattern.

Little Strongheart peeked over my shoulder at what I had written. “Is that what it means?”

“Took you long enough to figure it out.”

Strongheart and I both looked around for the source of that voice. Other than the two of us, the cave appeared to be completely deserted.

“You know, I really expected better of you,” Discord's voice continued while we kept searching for him. “I thought you'd be done with everything by now. Instead, you've been wasting my time and patience.”

Little Strongheart tapped my shoulder and pointed at a length of wall above the lit brazier. I looked and noticed that the flickering light left a faint but clear shadow on the stone. A shadow that looked suspiciously like it belonged to a certain draconequus that I knew.

“Is that so?” I asked the disembodied shadow.

“Yes, actually,” he said back with a huff of annoyance. “You're supposed to be entertaining me, but instead I had to watch you spend a whole night carrying a boulder around. That was so dull! It bored me to tears! But I guess sometimes you just have to make your own fun.”

My eyes were drawn to one of Discord's shadow's arms, specifically the one that belonged to a lion. A sudden realization sparked in my mind.

“You asshole! You messed with those rocks!”

He crossed his arms and his head distorted as if he was stucking his nose in the air. “So what if I did? After suffering through that first test of yours and not getting a second one, I think I deserved to see something a little more actiony.”

“So you made me fight a fucking psychopath?” I could feel my anger rising by the second.

“And I helped you get in the ring in the first place,” Discord said, his voice both smug and unconcerned.

“What the hell? Why?”

Shadow-Discord waved a hand dismissively. “I just told you why. And if you don't like me interfering, keep things interesting and don't let me get bored. I tend to get creative when I'm bored. Adjö!”

Without another word, he slid over to a narrow crack in the wall and slithered out of sight. For a few seconds, the only sound was the fire crackling.

“What was that about?” Little Strongheart asked, speaking for the first time since Discord's appearance.

I shook my head. “I have no idea. C'mon, let's get out of here.” I carefully picked up the loose pieces of paper in my mouth and started walking toward the tunnel.

“Hold on,” Strongheart said, and I paused. “Do you remember what we said about records of what's written on the totem?” She tilted her head forcefully at the burning brazier.

It took a moment of thought, but I did clearly recall Chief Thunderhooves saying that copies weren't allowed. So, after taking a few seconds to ensure that I had the clue thoroughly memorized, I trotted over and obediently dropped the papers into the flames. Within seconds, only ashes remained.

Little Strongheart nodded approvingly. “Good. Sorry, but rules are rules. You saw how the chief is.”

“Right. Can I at least tell the others what the clue means? I mean, technically it's not what's written on the totem thing, and it'll really help.”

She considered for a moment, then nodded again. “I guess there's no harm in that.”

* * * * *

A few minutes later, we were back outside. The mares were all eager to hear what I'd found, and I quickly told them everything.

When I explained what had happened and what Discord's puzzle meant, Rainbow Dash facehoofed hard. “Another useless clue? This whole trip was just a fucking waste of time!”

“Hold yer horses,” Applejack said. “We can't be tossin' out information jus' 'cause we don' like it. We don' exactly have much ta go on, anyway.”

Twilight nodded. “I agree. We can't discount anything, no matter how insignificant it may seem. Although I must say that it's a very odd choice of words.”

“'And to their freedom gain,'” Rarity muttered, rolling the words around on her tongue. “There must be a reason why he didn't make it 'and to gain their freedom.'”

“Maybe...” Fluttershy began, then stopped and looked at the ground.

“Maybe what?” Pinkie asked.

Fluttershy flushed with embarrassment as we all looked in her direction. “I...I was just thinking that m-maybe it's like the first clue. M-maybe Cog will have a d-dream an-and then it will make sense.”

The group's collective attention turned to me, and it was my turn to feel self-conscious.

“Uh...I don't think so,” I said uncomfortably. “I think that was a one-time thing.”

“What are you talking about?” Little Strongheart asked, her face filled with confusion. “What's this about dreaming?”

Pinkie took it upon herself to answer. “Well, it's a reeeeeally long story, even though it's kind of a short one. When we were in Manehattan, we found the first clue, and it said something about a mystic mare, but it was a fake. Then Cog had a dream about the mare from the fake clue and she told him the real clue! And isn't that weird that a giraffe only has seven bones in its neck?”

The buffalo looked even more puzzled than before. “I...I still don't understand.”

“Join th' club,” Applejack muttered.

None of us said anything for a few seconds. The only sounds came from the gusting wind and the flecks of sand and dust that it whirled around on the ground. It suddenly occurred to me how cold the desert was at night, and I shivered reflexively.

Twilight cleared her throat softly, which gathered our attention to her. “Well, if we're done here, we should get going. While you two were in the cave, we got a letter from Princess Celestia, and she wants to meet with us in Canterlot as soon as possible. She sent a train just for us, and it should be arriving in Appleloosa soon.”

“Leaving so soon?” Strongheart asked, a trace of disappointment in her voice.

Twilight nodded. “I'm afraid so. We need to head out at once.”

I groaned inwardly at the thought of the long walk back to the town, but kept my expression under control.

* * * * *

We returned to the buffalo camp first to let Chief Thunderhooves know of our departure. He also seemed unsatisfied about it, but acknowledged that we should heed the Princess' call without delay. The Matriarch was too busy snoring to care one way or the other.

We shared a few brief farewells. Strongheart seemed particularly reluctant to let me leave without waiting to heal properly, but offered no active resistance.

We then left the camp behind and began the trek to Appleloosa, which was fairly uneventful. Despite the aches in my legs and spine, we arrived in the town and found our way to its small train station without any kind of incident.

“Wait here,” Twilight said. She stepped off the platform and walked away along the row of wooden buildings.

“Where are you going?” Rainbow asked with a raised eyebrow.

“I need to have a few words with Sheriff Silverstar,” Twilight called over her shoulder.

The other ponies and I exchanged glances as she trotted into the darkness. Then we all sat down on the wooden benches and waited for the train to show up.

The town was gloomy and still. Most of the buildings were dark and very few of the inhabitants were still out and about at this hour. The wind whistled through the alleys between houses and blew a few unsecured window shutters around.

It's like a ghost town, I thought to myself as I watched a few tumbleweeds rolled across the street.

After about ten or fifteen minutes of uneasy silence, the train came into sight. It was painted a dusky blue and consisted of only the engine and a single passenger car, and it wasted no time in pulling up to the station's platform.

The combined noise from the chugging engine and screeching brakes woke up about half of the town. Lights came on, windows burst open, and doors cracked. Everywhere, pony heads appeared and peered in our direction to see why a train was coming in the middle of the night.

Once the train stopped moving and shot a bunch of compressed air out of the brakes, a brown pegasus stuck his head out the window of the engine compartment. His medium-length blonde mane hung limply from his head and his coat was spatted with black coal dust. Thick round glasses distorted his green eyes and made them look even bigger than they were.

“Miss...Sparkle?” he said uncertainly as he looked the six of us over.

“She'll be returning soon,” Rarity assured him.

Right on cue, Twilight rounded the street corner and headed in our direction. To my surprise, she had Braeburn right on her heels.

“Alright, let's go,” Twilight said as she made a beeline for the passenger car's door.

“Do ya'll really have ta leave so quick?” Braeburn asked unhappily. “Ah was hopin' ya'd stay fer a few more days.”

“Sorry, cuz',” Applejack replied. “But if th' Princess wants ta see us lickety split, Ah ain't gonna tell 'er no. 'Sides, th' sooner Ah git mah sis back safely, th' sooner Ah can stop worryin' 'bout 'er.”

“Yeah, Ah guess so,” Braeburn allowed, then he focused on me. His eyebrows shot up into his hat. “Whoa. What happened ta ya? What's with all th' bandages?”

“Long story,” I said as the rest of the ponies filed into the train. “If you ask the buffaloes, I'm pretty sure they can tell you all about it.”

“Maybe Ah will. Ya know, 'sa shame Ah never got a chance ta show ya th' rest o' th' town. It ain't often we get visitors 'round these parts. Maybe next time?”

“If I'm ever out here again, I'll let you know,” I reassured him.

Braeburn face brightened up a little at that. “Well, good luck out there.”

“Thanks, we'll need it.” With that, I climbed aboard the train.

As soon as my hooves left the platform, the train's wheels started turning. The engine puffed and chugged mightily as we got underway toward the nearest turnabout. Through the glass in the far door, I could see the conductor pegasus fiddling with knobs and levers to keep the locomotive running.

Outside the windows, the Appleloosa ponies were still staring curiously, obviously trying to figure out what all the commotion was about. Braeburn waved a hoof as we began to pick up speed. A few seconds later, I couldn't see any of them anymore.

The interior or the car, like the other train, was filled with benches and tables. The six mares had already seated themselves on the padded seats. Rainbow Dash was too preoccupied with sleeping to notice anything around her.

I laid down on a bench that was directly across the cabin from Twilight's perch and shared a table with Fluttershy's. The yellow pegasus gave me a tired smile, then yawned and closed her eyes. Seconds later, she was fully asleep, despite the continuing noise from the train's engine and wheels.

“What did you need to talk to the sheriff about?” I asked Twilight in a whisper, so as to avoid waking Fluttershy up.

The unicorn tiredly blinked her eyes a few times before answering. “Huh? Oh, right. Sorry, I'm having trouble concentrating right now. I had a few words with him about the trouble between Appleloosa and the buffaloes.”

Applejack raised her head and looked over. “Ya mean th' problems they've been havin' tradin' with each other?”

Twilight nodded. “Yes. It took a little persuasion, but I got Sheriff Silverstar to agree to talk with Chief Thunderhooves about it. Hopefully they'll get to the bottom of everything and it will all blow over before things get ugly.”

“How big of a problem is it?” I asked curiously. The train hit a small bump in the rails, and the windows rattled in response.

“Judging by the buffaloes' actions, it's pretty bad. I mean, they wouldn't let Appleloosa's doctor into their camp, and they refused to even consider letting even one of them take their rite of passage.”

“Lucky them,” I muttered under my breath as a shifted my weight to get more comfortable. My back prickled painfully.

Twilight didn't seem to notice my comment. “If things go according to plan, they'll work it out and eventually forget that anything even happened. When we get to Canterlot, I'll see if the Princess can send somepony to keep an eye on them and make sure that they really do work things out.”

“Well, that's good,” Applejack said with a stifled yawn. She set her head back down and tilted her hat so that it covered her face.

I took that as a sign that it was time to go to sleep. The bench's padding was comfortable, the noise level was tolerable, and I was worn out to the point that I really wouldn't have cared if it were otherwise. I curled my legs up underneath myself as best as I could and let my aching muscles relax.

It took all of thirty seconds before I drifted off.

Ch. 8 (Unease)

It was dark. Utterly black. The thick odor of burnt metal hung in the air. My mouth tasted like copper. I could hear a faint ticking sound. As if there was a clock nearby.

Something was wrong. I couldn't move. My limbs refused to budge. No matter how hard I willed them to. I couldn't shift my head either.

I strained my ears. No sound, except for that ticking.

Where's it coming from?

“Is anyone there?” I called out. Tried to. No noise came from my mouth. My jaw didn't move.

The ticking got louder. Closer.

Suddenly, there was light. Bright white light. Too bright. The glare kept me from seeing anything. I was just as blind as before.

I tried to shut my eyes. To block out the light. My eyelids didn't move.

The ticking got even louder. Even closer.

A shadow in the light. A silhouette. It was fuzzy. Indistinct.

“Who are you?” I tried to ask. My lips remained motionless.

The shadow didn't respond. It got closer. Too close.

Fear gripped me. I tried to move. To get away. It was useless.

The ticking pounded in my ears. The smell got stronger.

The shadow reached out a hand to me. A bunch of bones. Fleshless fingers. No skin or muscles.

I couldn't move.

The hand grabbed me. Dead fingers dug into my skull. My head tilted downward.

My body wasn't there. A skeleton of gears. Sprockets. Cogs. Chains. All moving. All clicking. All ticking. Loudly.

I tried to break free. To get away. Away from the hand. Away from the machinery. I kicked. I twisted. I flailed. I fought hard. But I couldn't move. I was helpless.

The thunderous ticking drowned out my silent screams.

A sharp stab of pain.

“Ah! Son of a bitch!” I shouted as I grabbed the top of my head. My hair was sticky with fresh sweat.

“Cog!”

“Are you alright?”

“What's goin' on?”

Still rubbing my scalp and the lump that was forming on it, I cracked my eyes open. The mares were all looking at me with concern. The world swayed and pitched gently beneath me. The throaty chugging of the train's engine and the clanging of its wheels on the track reminded me of where I was.

“What just happened?” I asked while I raised myself into a sitting position and looked from one worried face to the next. Even the conductor pony was curiously peeking into the passenger compartment through the window in the far door.

“You tell us,” Applejack said. “One minute ever'thin' was quiet, th' next ya started thrashin' 'round an' screamin' bloody murder.”

“Di-did you have another bad dream?” Fluttershy asked softly.

“Uh...yeah. Yeah, you could say that,” I muttered as my mind shook off the last traces of sleep. I noticed that my hooves were shaking badly. It was difficult to tell if it was from nerves or just my body demanding a cigarette. Probably a combination of both.

Rainbow Dash mumbled something under her breath that sounded suspiciously like “wussy” and sat back on her bench. That was more than a little annoying, but I choked down the temptation to confront her about it.

Twilight shot an disapproving glance in Rainbow's direction, then turned back to me. “Are you okay? It sounded pretty intense. And you hit your head on the table really hard.”

“I'm alright,” I insisted with a little more force than I'd intended. Judging by their faces, they weren't buying it.

Rarity slid into the bench across from me and seated herself next to Fluttershy. She looked me right in the eye with a gaze that was firm but not unkind. “Is there something bothering you?” she asked gently.

“No.” I somehow managed to tell a hundred lies with that one word.

Aside from a quick twitch in her ear, Rarity's expression didn't change at all. “Cog, we're your friends. We want to help you. You can tell us anything.”

“There's nothing to tell!” I snarled. “I just had a fucking nightmare, that's all!”

“Oooh, was it a scary nightmare?” Pinkie Pie asked cheerfully. “You know what always makes me feel better after I have a scary nightmare? Cupcakes! I think I still have a few in my bag.”

“I'll pass,” I growled and turned to look out the window so that I didn't have to see the ponies anymore. In the glass' reflection, I could faintly see them all exchanging glances. I tried to ignore both them and my trembling hooves. Instead, I focused on the scenery that our train passed by.

The position of the sun revealed that it was mid-afternoon. The barren desert was gone, and in its place were rolling hills covered in lush green grass and wildflowers. Several fluffy clouds hung in the bright azure sky. A few dense copses of trees dotted the landscape, and their few remaining leaves added splotches of dark red and bright yellow to the landscape.

Despite the cheery view, my stomach twisted uncomfortably. I hadn't meant to snap at them all like that, and the guilt from blowing them off so callously felt like a rock in my gut. A very spiky rock that had been trapped in a glacier for ten thousand years.

Dammit, not again, I thought with an inward groan. I sighed heavily and turned back around.

“Sorry about that. Look, I get that you're worried and all. But there's nothing to be concerned about, alright? I'm okay.”

“If you say so,” Rarity said, a trace of disappointment in her voice. “But if there ever is anything that you feel the need to talk about, you can always confide in us.”

I felt something tug inwardly on the top of my sternum. That apology didn't make me feel much better—it was still a lie, after all—but I suppose that a miniscule improvement is better than none at all.

It's a start, at least, I thought to myself.

My thinking was cut short by the appearance of a large cupcake on the table in front of me. It was topped with a small mountain of whipped pink icing and decorated with scores of colorful sprinkles.

Pinkie pushed the pastry toward me with an expectant smile. Then nudged it a little further. And once more.

I sighed again. “You're still feeding me.”

“Well, ya could stand ta put on a few pounds, if ya don' mind me sayin' so,” Applejack drawled.

I actually did mind her saying so, but decided against mentioning it. Instead, I concentrated on slowly eating the cupcake. I deliberately took my time so as to prevent them from talking to me again and asking any more questions.

Over the next few minutes, the mares began their own quiet conversations and left me out of them. That suited me just fine. It gave me a chance to contemplate my own thoughts, such as they were.

* * * * *

It was another few hours before the train pulled into Canterlot's station. There were quite a few other trains arriving and departing on dozens of rails, and nearly a hundred ponies in sight. They got on trains, got off trains, moved luggage around, or stood off to the side to idly chat with each other.

I noticed that the vast majority of the ponies were unicorns, and many of them were dressed even more lavishly than the Manehattanites. Gem-embroidered gowns and expertly tailored coats seemed to be the most common garments, and quite a few of the ponies were wearing expensive shoes. The light sparkled on gemstones, monocles, and polished golden jewelery. Fancy, feather-capped hats seemed to be in style as well.

I stretched my legs as our train rolled to a stop. My joints popped softly, but there was no pain in them. I arched my back experimentally. I felt some residual soreness there, but far less than I had expected. Even my chest wound wasn't bothering me too badly.

“How are you feeling?” Twilight asked as she got to her hooves.

“Not bad, actually,” I replied while I stood as well. My whole body felt a lot better than it had the night before.

She nodded, satisfied. “Good, the bandages are working. They're enchanted to help you heal faster and keep most of the pain away. We should be able to take them off in a few days.”

“That soon?” I asked, surprised. “I thought you said I was in really bad shape.”

“I did, and you were. Isn't magic great?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Rainbow Dash interrupted as she flapped her wings to get airborne. “Magic shmagic, let's go see the Princess already.”

Getting off the train and onto the platform was easy. Picking our way through the crowd and around the numerous obstacles was a bit more difficult, but we still managed it. My legs gave me very little trouble.

As we walked on, I felt a lot of eyes watching me. I glanced around and noticed a large portion of the ponies present were staring at me, and a few even craned their necks at uncomfortable-looking angles to get a better look. Some muttered to each other under their breath and one or two snickered nastily.

For a few moments, I was left wondering if I had somehow grown a second head without noticing, but then my brain caught up and reminded me that my bandages made me sick out. Pro tip: bloodstains are only fashionable for a few special days per year. Fortunately, we managed to leave swiftly and without incident.

Canterlot's streets were somewhat less crowded. The ponies outside were clothed just as fancily as their counterparts in the station. Most of them walked with their eyes closed (for some reason) and their noses in the air (for some other reason). Some of the unicorns who actually looked where they were going noticed my bandages and stared, but I chose to ignore them all and instead took an interest in the surrounding buildings.

Most of the structures were made of white marble and a large portion of them were topped with decorative caps. Gilded balconies and external staircases were common, and the numerous vaulted glass windows reflected the last beams of sunlight.

But the baffling thing about them was the walls. They all leaned at odd angles and bulged outward in absurd curves that left me scratching my head. It made the buildings look like they had been ripped right out of a fairy tale (Imagine that!). I simply couldn't fathom what kind of architect would have thought that it was a good idea to make them like that, and it continued to puzzle me during the entire walk to the castle.

“We're here to see Princess Celestia,” Twilight said, which snapped me back to the present. She was addressing two white pegasi stallions in gold armor, who stood guard on either side of a pair of large ivory doors. Both of them wore stern expressions.

The guard on the left nodded wordlessly and pushed the door open with a hoof. The hinges gave a quiet squeak as they turned. The seven of us all stepped inside quickly as the pegasis returned to his post.

I could feel the guards' eyes on me as I passed them. That was really starting to get on my nerves, and I wondered just how long it would be before I could take the damn bandages off and stop the unwanted attention. Even a few days seemed too long.

Again, I put my thoughts on hold and paid attention to my surroundings. We were standing in a long corridor that had numerous side passages branching off and leading to God-knows-where. The white walls were adorned with silk tapestries and paintings of fancy-looking ponies. Occasionally, a small recess in the wall held a vase of flowers or a small bust statue.

“Come on,” Twilight said unnecessarily and we all made our way down the hallway. Four sets of hooves clopped on the marble floor, two pairs of wings flapped in the air, and Pinkie Pie bounced merrily from one tile to the next without a care in the world.

At the end of the corridor was another set of doors, which were guarded by armored unicorns. They didn't even wait for Twilight to announce our reason for being there before making their horns and the doors glow with magic.

The big doors swung open and we all filed inside. A rich scarlet carpet extended across the throne room's floor and up the steps of the raised dais to gilded royal throne. Elegant stained glass windows turned the dying sunlight into a plethora of different colors that spilled across the floor.

On the seat of power sat none other than the Princess of the Sun herself. Unlike the other ponies that I'd come across, Celestia looked exactly the same as I remembered her. Her multicolored mane still fluttered in nonexistent wind, her glossy white coat shone, her dove-like wings and pointy horn were primped to perfection. Her golden shoes, chestpiece, and crown were prodigiously polished and sparkled in the light.

She was reading a floating scroll of paper, but looked up as we approached her throne. Her single visible eye swept over us cursorily, then abruptly snapped right back to me. I could feel that weird sensation again, like she was looking right through my skin and into my bones, and her eyebrow shot upward.

Oh shit, I thought as my gut clenched with panic. She knows who I am.

“Princess Celestia,” Twilight said humbly as she and the others bowed low. “We came as quickly as we could.”

“I...see,” Celestia said with a frown, never taking her eye off me. “Is this the stallion that you mentioned in your letter?”

“Yes, that's me,” I said quickly. “My name's Cog, and I'm a tinker from Fillydelphia.” Please just go along with it, please just go along with it, I feverishly thought as I struggled to keep myself calm and hoped that the others didn't notice anything odd.

I couldn't tell if she read my mind or if she just decided to not pursue the matter any further. Either way, the Princess gave me a long, hard look before turning her attention to Twilight.

“Erm...while we're on the subject of your letter, we need to discuss the spell that you used to send it yesterday.” There was a nearly-imperceptible trace of harshness in her tone.

Twilight flinched. “Oh...that. I've been having problems getting it to work properly. It's just...I've just gotten so used to having Spike send them...” Her voice faded away for a moment and her eyes unfocused, but she snapped out of her reverie a second later. “Did...did it come out your nose? That's what happened to Rarity and me.”

Celestia shook her head. “No. It ended up in a...a rather more sensitive area.”

A few uncomfortable seconds passed before Applejack spoke up. “Uh, beg pardon, Princess, but what 'xactly did ya wanna see us fer?”

Celestia cleared her throat and shuffled her wings. “Well, I extracted the letter and read it—” (Twilight winced again) “—and I have to say that your theory is...troubling. Are you certain that Discord's hint means that he hid a message on the moon?”

“I'm afraid so, Princess,” Twilight said. “That's what Cog thinks, anyway, and he was able to lead us right to the other two.”

Celestia frowned even deeper. “I suppose that would be just like Discord. He's always had a gift for making things more difficult than they have to be.”

“Well, I prefer to think of it as making things more interesting,” came an echoing voice that grated on my nerves.

“Discord! Show yourself!” the Princess shouted as she stood up. Her uneasy demeanor turned to outright anger and she cast her gaze around, searching for the enemy. The rest of us were looking around for him too, but he was nowhere to be seen.

“Over here,” said his voice off to my right.

A long tapestry showing three pegasi moving a cloud rippled and tore itself from the wall. The fabric twisted and stretched and the treads changed their hues. After a few seconds of contortion, the tapestry stopped its transformation in the shape and colors of my least-favorite draconequus.

The newly-formed Discord flashed us all a wide grin. “Hello, Celestia. So nice to see you again. Say, is that your horn or are you just happy to see me?”

“Remove your foul taint from my palace this instant!” the Princess shouted. Her voice made my ears ring.

Discord snickered. “Heheheheh. Heh. You said 'taint'!”

Celestia bared her teeth in a feral snarl. She pointed her horn at him menacingly, and the glow of magical energy shimmered along its length. “Leave now, or I'll send you to the sun!”

“Oh, so you're going to skip the Elements of Harmony and just kill me this time?” he retorted with a snort of amusement. “Some benevolent ruler you are. Go ahead, see if I care.”

He paused and spun his hands around in a circle. A big red-and-white bullseye target materialized over his torso. He puffed out his chest and looked directly at the Princess with the most taunting grin I've ever seen.

“Hit me with your best shot, Celestia! Smite me, O mighty smiter! Well, what are you waiting for?”

The Princess' eye burned with hatred and her mouth was twisted in a furious scowl. The magical aura sputtered and multicolored sparks flew out in random directions. I fully expected her to pick Discord up and launch him right through the ceiling.

Then her horn abruptly stopped glowing. She ground her teeth together and stamped a hoof in frustration. The stone under her horseshoe split with a loud crack.

The draconequus smirked in triumph. “Can't bring yourself to do it, can you? I knew you still cared.”

“What are you doing here, Discord?” Twilight asked venomously. She looked nearly as angry as Celestia.

“Oh, I just want to be clear about what's waiting for you on the moon,” he said cheerfully as he took the target off his chest and threw it away like a frisbee. There was a crash of breaking glass as it flew out of sight. “Of course, that's assuming that you can even get there. My dearest Princess Celestia wouldn't dream of sending any of the bearers of the Elements to her rebellious sister's domain. Nightmare Moon would just love such an opportunity to kill you off.”

“What?” Pinkie Pie asked. “Why would she do that? Did somepony put her in a bad mood?”

“I suppose you could say that. Or you could say that she's grown tired of biding her time and has decided to try to take over the land again.”

“Silence!” Celestia snarled. “I won't have you speak such lies about Luna!”

“Oh, but are they lies?” he taunted slyly. “She hasn't responded to any of your letters. She returns to Equestria every Nightmare Night, but she never comes to see you. Do you really think that she's just sitting in some crater and looking at the stars? No, she's planning her next coup and has been mingling with the commonponies so that they'll accept her as their new leader after she overthrows you.”

“She would never do such a thing!” the Princess insisted.

“Yeah, what she said!” Rainbow Dash agreed heatedly. “We've met Luna, and she's not gonna try to start a rebellion!”

“Of course she is!” Discord said with a trace of exasperation. “She already has once before. But if you don't believe me, why don't you go ask her yourselves?”

With a throaty chuckle, he bent down and traced a single eagle talon in a circle around his feet. The floor fell away and he sank out of sight into the resulting dark hole. The missing circle of floor shot back into place with a sharp metallic clink, leaving no trace of Discord's presence or departure.

“Just him trying to confuse us,” Twilight said dismissively after he was gone. “There's no way that Luna would ever turn against us again. Right, Princess?”

Celestia nodded, but she looked distracted. “O-of course not. Things may be...” Her voice trailed off and she gave her head a small shake. “Forgive me, but that interruption has made me lose my concentration. In any case, the day is late and I am sure that you are all tired. It would be better to continue with this...discussion in the morning. One of my guards will escort you to the guest quarters, and I will make sure that some food is brought to your rooms.”

I was surprised by the sudden dismissal. So were the others, but her tone offered no chance for argument or further explanation.

* * * * *

After an exhausting walk down a long hallway—that thing was seriously way too long—the armored pegasus who had been assigned to lead us stopped in front of a collection of fancy doors. I didn't hesitate to get inside my room as soon as he pointed out which one I should take.

While the guard appointed other rooms to the mares, I slid my door closed. With a low click, the latch closed. I breathed a deep sigh of relief.

Finally alone, I thought as I took a quick look around the room. Then I had to look at it again to make sure that I wasn't seeing things.

Through pure chance, our armored escort had led me to the very same room that I had slept in during my previous stay in the castle.

It looked exactly how I remembered it. There was that round bed that I had woken up in. The walls were that same shade of sky-blue and the painted yellow sun was still in the middle of the ceiling. There was the long window through which a bunch of pegasi paparazzi had snapped pictures of me while I was still naked and disoriented. It was kind of funny, in retrospect. The nostalgia brought a small smile to my lips.

Then my gaze landed on the teak wardrobe. I curiously trotted over and pulled it open with my teeth. The hinge squeaked loudly.

It looked like nopony had touched anything during the years. Several outfits of various degrees of formality—each tailored to fit a six-foot human—were hanging in there, just waiting to be dusted off and worn. It didn't look like they had been damaged by moths and none of the colors had faded with time.

At present, however, they were all the wrong shape and far too big for me. For the first time, it occurred to me just how small I really was in my pony body. The realization was fairly disconcerting, and I tried to put it out of my mind.

On a whim, I checked the far corner of the wardrobe. Just as I'd suspected, the spiky black bondage harness was still there, complete with gag ball. If anything, it looked even more disturbing than the fist time I'd seen it.

Seriously, why is this thing even here? I wondered.

I was still trying to figure it out when the first cramp struck.

With a moan, I slumped to the floor and hugged my stomach. It felt like a claw had punched right into my gut and was squeezing my intestines. My rear legs' muscles shook and spasmed uncontrollably. The wounds on my back and chest flared up. Breathing was difficult. I was forced to take shallow breaths, desperately sucking in the air in ragged gasps.

“Fffuuuck,” I hissed to nobody in particular. Drops of sweat beaded all over my body and rolled down my neck.

After a minute or two of agony, the pain faded away. As I relaxed my muscles and uncurled my legs, I coughed several times. A few drops of dark blood landed nearby on the floor.

I gingerly got to my feet and wiped the my mouth clean. My hoof trembled worse than ever.

It didn't take long to figure out what had happened. Over the years, I've received many booklets in the mail that were meant to educate me on how to quit smoking. Wedged between the nauseatingly cheerful slogans (“Breathe free today!”, “Begin your journey to better health now!”, “Leave my air alone, asshole!”, etc.) were small pieces of information that could actually be useful, including possible withdrawal symptoms. These include headaches, nausea, anxiety, insomnia, depression, difficulty breathing (the irony amused me), fatigue, and, of course, cramps.

Christ, I thought with a groan. Like I don't have enough problems already. Now I gotta put up with this shit too?

I turned my head and spotted the full-length mirror on the wall. That was another thing that hadn't changed in three/five years. I couldn't say the same about my reflection.

The pony in the mirror was a mess. He was covered in bloodstained bandages and poultices from neck to stud stamp, but his ribs still managed to stand out. The parts of his gray goat that weren't covered in linen were matted with sweat and dust. His black mane and tail were badly tangled and knotted. The feathers in his hair were the only part that didn't seem to be battered and worn out.

Damn, I look like hell.

After a few moments of reflecting with my reflection, I stepped into the attached bathroom. The white bathtub suddenly looked extremely appealing, and I pondered if the bandages were waterproof.

Probably not, I thought sadly. I had a mental image of the enchantment shorting out in the water and shocking me to death. That would earn me an interesting inscription for my tombstone.

HERE LIES COG
WHAT A NOOB

But even if that didn't happen, it was entirely possible that soaking the bandages would make the magic stop working, or something equally unpleasant could occur. After a little consideration, I decided that it wasn't worth the risk.

Since a proper bath was out of the question, I grabbed a few towels and some soap and turned on the faucet. Then it was a simple matter of scrubbing at the parts of me that weren't wrapped up. It was a slow way to clean myself and I felt like a hobo in a public restroom, but it was better than nothing.

After I felt marginally less disheveled, I returned to the bedroom and strode to the window. The sky was dark and about half of the moon peeked over the horizon. There seemed to be a few more clouds than before, and I dimly wondered if the pegasi were going to make it rain.

I cracked the window open to let some fresh air in. As I stuck my face out to take a deep breath, I heard voices.

“—ust don't get why you're willing to trust him!”

I opened the window a little further and stuck my whole head out to look around. The next window over was open as well, and that was where the voices were coming from.

“And I don't see why you're not, Rainbow! I mean, yes, he's being a little secretive, but he still put his life on the line to go through the buffaloes' trial thing, even though he had no real reason to.”

“I still say we should've got Big Macintosh to go out there and do it instead. At least I can stand him.”

“Ah've already gotta worry 'bout mah sis, we don' need ta get mah brother caught in this mess too. 'Sides, Ah'm glad he wasn't the one ta fight that Ironjaw feller. But Ah hear ya, Rainbow, an' Ah think we really need some answers too.”

I frowned and leaned a little further out the window. I pricked my ears up as far as they could go and listened.

Twilight give an exasperated sigh. “Look, I want to know more about him just as much as you do, but we can't force him to tell us anything.”

“Says you,” Rainbow retorted. “Give me a pair of pliers, and I'll get him to spill his guts. One way or another.”

There was a soft murmur as Fluttershy said something. I couldn't make out the words, but she sounded displeased and worried.

“Probably. Depends on how much they're worth to him.”

“We're not going to torture him!” Twilight snapped.

“Then use your horn! Can't you use magic to read his mind or something? That would save us a hell of a lot of trouble.”

“I could, but I won't. Rummaging around in somepony's head against their will is wrong. Besides, he wouldn't want to have anything to do with us if I did that, so it would completely defeat the purpose.”

Flutttershy said something again. I strained my ears as hard as I could, but her voice was just too quiet.

“No, that won't work either. He'll realize that something's up if we try.”

“Maybe we need ta back 'im inta a corner an' put a little pressure on 'im. Not liter'ly, mind ya, but sorta...y'know...persuade 'im ta talk an' don' let 'im change th' subject. Jus' a little squeeze an' a bit o' proddin' oughtta be 'nough ta make 'im spill th' beans.”

“I'm not so sure. That could scare him off, or it might just make him angry.”

“Then whaddya suggest, Twi'? We shouldn' be runnin' 'round with a colt who could turn on us at any minute. There's gotta be a reason why Discord stuck 'im with us, an' who's ta say he's not part o' some kinda crazy, twisted plan? Maybe he's jus' waitin' fer th' right time ta stab us in th' back.”

My eyebrow rocketed upward. Do they think I'm a threat?

“Do you honestly think that Cog would willingly side with Discord?” Twilight asked, her voice lined with doubt. “Like I said, he almost got himself killed yesterday, for Celestia's sake.”

“Stranger things've happened, Twi'. An' it would explain how he knew how ta find an' solve all th' clues so far. 'S jus' a bit too convenient if ya ask me.”

“I don't believe a word of it,” Rarity's voice put in. I hadn't even realized that she was there.

“Oh, and you would know,” Rainbow challenged aggressively.

The tone of Rarity's response made it perfectly clear that she was glaring at the multicolored pegasus. “Back in Ponyville, while you were busy smacking him around and insulting him, I was watching him. Didn't any of you notice how frightened he was? He looked like a foal lost in a crowd.”

“So?” Applejack asked.

“So, he found himself in an unfamiliar place and under attack. That is why he's being so defensive. He panicked. Anypony would have.”

“Speak for yourself.”

“I do speak for myself, Rainbow Dash. And thanks to your brutish ways, it is going to be that much harder to convince him to talk.”

“Yeah, because he's such a big talker.”

“And I couldn't possibly imagine why he's being so evasive and withdrawn.”

“Alright, enough with the sarcasm,” Twilight interjected as the discussion grew too heated. “Rarity, if you have an idea, let's hear it.”

There was a rustling noise that sounded like Rarity dramatically throwing her mane over her shoulder. “I suggest that we be patient. We ought to be supportive and understanding and let Cog know that he doesn't have to hide anything from us. If we do that, he should open up.”

“Ya mean like what ya tried ta do on th' train?”

“Precisely. We will need to do it slowly and carefully, but I'm certain that we can coax him into telling us more later.”

“How much later?” Rainbow demanded. “How long is that gonna take?”

“I'm not sure. You can't rush these things, you know.”

“The hell you can't. Rarity, we'll never get him to talk if we go soft on him.”

“And I suppose that your barbarous approach would work better?”

“It'd be a lot faster.”

From there, their discussion devolved into a slew of arguing and talking over each other while Twilight attempted to calm them down again. She didn't succeed, and I couldn't make out much beyond a few disjointed words.

I stepped back from the window and pushed it shut, which cut off the sound of their bickering entirely. Everything that I'd just overheard left a sour taste in my mouth.

So they're all trying to get me to talk, I mused. Why? What have I done that's made them so curious? And does AJ actually think that I'm not on their side?

“They really need to learn to keep their voices down,” Pinkie Pie remarked as she stuck her face in her popcorn bucket and took a noisy bite.

“Yeah. I guess they weren't—” I cut myself off and did a double-take at the pink pony. “Wait, what are you doing here?”

“Eating popcorn,” she said through a full mouth.

“I can see that. How did you get in here?”

“There's a door right over there.”

“I didn't hear the door open.”

“That's because I didn't use it, silly.”

“But you just...” At that point, I realized how pointless it was to argue and gave up. “Screw it, I don't really care. Forget I said anything.”

“Done!” she said cheerfully as she attacked her popcorn again.

I sighed and let her eat in peace for a minute or so. While she was busy with that, I continued to mull over everything I'd just overheard. A few things in particular bothered me, and I decided to risk a few quick questions.

“Pinkie, can I ask you something?”

“Hmm?” Her cheeks bulged outward from the impossible amount of popcorn that she had stuffed in her mouth.

“I've noticed that Rainbow Dash really doesn't like me. Is she usually so...” I twirled my hoof in a vague circle as I tried to think of the proper word. “...bitchy? Or did I do something to set her off?”

“Dishny geph rerig freff oot rye ffough.”

“What?”

Pinkie swallowed hard and tried again. “I said that Dashie's just really stressed out right now. I think she's really worried about Scootaloo, and she's frustrated because she hasn't really been able to do anything to help get her back yet. Plus, we've already got two of Discord's clues and they haven't helped at all, so that's only made it worse. She's angry at the situation, and she's looking for somepony to blame. You just happen to be a convenient target for her.”

I was taken aback by the articulate response. “That's...uh...you really think so?”

Pinkie shrugged. “Either that or it's just because she's on her dot.”

“Huh? 'Dot'?”

“Yeah, dot. You know, the thing you put at the end of a sentence.”

“You mean a peri—”

A sharp knock on the door cut me off. Without waiting for a response, the interrupter pushed the door open and stepped inside the room.

It was a white earth pony stallion. I guessed that he was either a teenager or a very young adult. He stood a few inches taller than me and his shiny hair was professionally slicked back. His stud stamp was a scroll and quill.

“Mister...Cog, is it?” he asked calmly. If he noticed Pinkie Pie—who was busy devouring her popcorn again—he gave no sign of it.

“Yeah?” I got the feeling that I'd seen him before, but couldn't place his face.

“If you would be so kind as to follow me, Princess Celestia has requested your presence for a private conversation.”

My stomach twisted uncomfortably. “Did she say why?”

“No, she did not,” he replied, cool as ever.

Shit, this can't be good, I thought. Then again, I didn't really have a choice.

“Alright, lead the way.”

* * * * *

The walking took about ten minutes. From that ridiculously long hallway outside my room, we went through several doors and mostly-empty rooms. Besides us and a few armored guards, the place seemed to be deserted.

During the trip, I tried to recall where I knew the white stallion from. A strong feeling of deja vu gnawed at the back of my mind. I wanted to ask him who he was, but he clearly wasn't a very talkative pony. He kept his eyes forward the entire time and never said a word after we began walking.

Eventually, he stopped in front of a door. A tall white door with delicate swirls carved into the wood and silver trim around the edges. The brass latch looked like it had been polished less than an hour before.

My companion opened the door and stuck his head inside. “Your Majesty, he's here.” He stepped back and tilted his head toward the door.

At that exact moment, I figured it out. He's the same page who lead me to her last time, I realized. He'd just grown up and gotten better at his job since I'd seen him.

I also remembered how impatient he had been during our first meeting. Before he had a chance to shove me face-first into the door (again), I stepped forward and into the room. The door closed as soon as my tail crossed the threshold.

Celestia was standing with her back to me. She stared intently out a tall arched window. Through it, I could see the darkened sky and the crescent moon slowly rising in the distance. A few of the earliest stars had already come out.

“Be seated,” she commanded without turning around. Her tone was icy.

There were two large velvet cushions on the floor and a low table between them. I obediently sat down on the nearest one. My body sunk into the soft material.

For some time, nothing happened. Celestia stood like a statue; the only movement was her mane and tail, which still fluttered and rolled in the nonexistent breeze. She just kept staring at the moon.

I knew better than to say anything or move around. My mind kept going over every conceivable reason for why she had summoned me. There weren't many possibilities, and not one of them was reassuring. The tension in my abdomen steadily increased.

After a few minutes of silence had passed, the Princess turned around. She took a few long strides toward me and carefully laid down on the cushion on the opposite side of the table.

Her pink eye stared into my face. That feeling of being X-rayed returned, and this time it was stronger than ever. My skin prickled and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.

“Cog,” she said coldly. “The last time we met, you had a different name. And a very different body.”

I nodded slowly. There was no point in denying it.

Celestia's horn glowed and a small tea tray appeared on the table with a flash of light. The silver teapot picked itself up and poured some of its steaming contents into two white ceramic cups. One levitated toward me, and the other raised itself to the Princess' mouth. Throughout the process, her eye never wavered.

“Your presence left quite an impression on Equestria,” she went on with that same frigid voice. “Twilight and her friends were particularly affected. As was my sister.”

Shit. The bottom of my stomach dropped right through the floor. I lowered my gaze and stared at the teacup that was still sitting in front of me.

“Your sudden disappearance and refusal to return also...unsettled things,” Celestia continued. “According to my student's report, she and the other bearers of the Elements of Harmony were quite shaken by a sudden change in your behavior. You left half of them in tears.”

Fuck. That made me feel even worse. The sensation from the Princess' piercing gaze continued to bore into my bones.

“Moreover, you seemed to be under the impression that they were not real. That all of Equestria wasn't real, and that you had imagined everything that you saw and did while you were here.”

I had been deliberately trying to not think about that over the past few days, but of course she just had to bring it up. As if I wasn't feeling bad enough already. My innards squirmed like maggots in a corpse.

“Why would you believe that?” she asked. Her glacial tone made it clear that she expected an answer.

I lifted my head back up and looked right into her eye. “It's kinda hard to believe anything else after you wake up in a psychiatric hospital and have a shrink explain that you've been unconscious for days.”

Celestia raised her eyebrow, but her expression remained stern. “Indeed? And what about now? Do you think that this is an illusion as well?”

“I...I don't know,” I admitted. “It doesn't seem like a hallucination, but last time didn't either.”

The Princess took another sip of tea. “Hmm. We've dealt with this kind of thing before. Occasionally, somepony starts to think that their entire life is a dream or that they've gotten lost inside their own minds. That they are just waiting to awaken somewhere else and return to another life.”

“And how do you deal with that?” I asked.

“So long as they don't try to hurt anypony, we usually leave them alone. Eventually, most of them learn to accept reality for what it is on their own.”

“'Most of them'?”

Celestia's mouth narrowed into a grim line and she refilled her teacup with a small spell. “Some don't, and those cases are more...disheartening. We try to help them in any way that we can, but a few unfortunate ponies are simply beyond help and spend the rest of their days waiting for something that never comes. More often than not, their hearts are laden with needless pain and misery. Some of them even kill themselves in a vain attempt to reach whatever world they try to go to.”

Unsure of what to say, I dropped my eyes to my tea again. I still hadn't touched the cup, and the spicy aroma of the steaming drink tickled the inside of my nose.

“What about you, Jesse?” she asked in a softer voice. “Eventually, you will have to decide whether you believe that what you are seeing is true or not.”

“I suppose this is where you're gonna tell me that this is what's real and everything's gonna be just fan-fucking-tastic,” I said bitterly. “No offense, but I'm not gonna take you at your word. What do you want, anyway? You didn't call me here just to talk about this stuff, did you?”

The Princess' expression became hard and businesslike. “Do you know what happened to Luna?”

“Uh, sorta. I heard that she went back to the moon. And...something about a falling out or something like that. I didn't get a lot of details.”

She ruffled her wings into a more comfortable position. “It's a little more complicated than that. For three years now, my sister has exiled herself to her tower on the moon and has cut off all contact with me. I've sent hundreds of letters to her, but she hasn't replied to a single one. When that failed, I sent messengers, but she sent them all right back without speaking to them. I've tried to go myself and speak with her face to face, but she's set up enchantments to block my presence.”

I frowned as I digested this. “I...I don't see what this has to do with me.”

Celestia hesitated for a few seconds before answering. “She left shortly after you returned to Earth. In fact, the 'falling out' was about you.”

“Come again?” I wasn't quite sure that I'd heard her correctly.

She finally glanced away and her eye unfocused. “I confronted her about her behavior toward you and Miss Rarity in the minutes before your disappearance. She was out of line and I told her as such. Things got...heated. We continued arguing throughout the night and we both said some things that we shouldn't have. She stormed out of the castle and didn't look back.”

“And you're blaming me for it,” I said, letting my tone indicate how little I appreciated that.

Celestia's eye shifted back to me and narrowed dangerously. “No. Luna's actions are her own, but you were a factor.”

I scratched my jaw with a hoof. “So...what, then? Where are you going with this?”

“You need to get to the moon to find whatever Discord hid for you there. I can send you, and I want you to speak with my sister while you are there. If she sees somepony that she recognizes, she may listen to what I want you to tell her instead of sending you right back.”

“Uhh....” The memory of my last encounter with Luna didn't exactly make me eager to accept the request. Celestia again seemed to read my mind.

“I realize that the two of you didn't part under the best of circumstances, but your presence may be shocking enough to make her listen. And I would be extremely grateful if you would at least make an attempt to convince her to come back to Equestria. Please.”

The pleading in her tone struck a chord with me. Her voice belonged to someone who is desperate and reaches out to any shred of hope, however thin it may be. I can't quite describe the feeling that it stirred up, but it managed to override my misgivings.

I swallowed hard and nodded. “Alright. I'll do whatever I can.”

The coldness left the Princess' demeanor and she looked relieved. “Thank you. You have no idea what this means to me.”

“Right. So, I guess that means we should gather the others together and—”

“No. They won't be going with you.”

My eyes widened in surprise. “What? Why not?”

“Because I need them here,” Celestia explained. “I have to give them the Elements of Harmony again so that they can imprison Discord again. Without Twilight and her friends wielding them, we have no chance of defeating him. Even in a matter such as this, I cannot allow them to leave Equestria while he is loose.”

“I...you....” I had to pause and start again to form a coherent sentence. “Alright, I get what you mean. But I wish you would've told me that I was gonna be on my own a minute ago.”

“Does that change your answer?” she asked warningly.

“No, I'm just saying that it would've been nice to know.”

“My apologies,” she murmured as she stood up. “Are you ready to go?”

“What, right now?”

“Is there any reason to delay? Every second we waste is another opportunity for Discord to concoct some new scheme.”

“Well, when you put it that way...” I mumbled as I scrambled to my hooves as well.

Celestia turned around and stepped up to the window again. The sky had turned completely black and the number of stars had increased exponentially since my arrival. The bright moon was still near the horizon.

The Princess' pink eye never left the shining silver crescent as she spoke. Her voice quivered ever so slightly with emotion. “When you see Luna, tell her...tell her that I never meant to drive her away. I banished her for a thousand years, but her absence over the past three have grieved me just as badly. Let her know that I want her to come back. And, Jesse?”

“What?”

“I'm not entirely sure why you have chosen to lie to my student and her friends or what you hope to accomplish by doing so, but I fully expect you to explain yourself to them when you return. I think they deserve to the truth, and believe me when I say that they will be overjoyed to know that you have decided to return.”

I had some serious doubts about that last part, but I kept them to myself. “I'll keep that in mind.”

“See that you do. One more thing. You will want to consider the other subject that I brought up. Sometimes we have dreams that we wish would last forever, and sometimes we have nightmares that we wish would end. But there are also other times...times when it is neither dream nor nightmare, because there is no waking up.”

Before I could work out exactly what she was trying to say, a flash of magic from her horn blinded me and the floor disappeared.