I Am The Night(mare)! And so is Luna?

by LordBrony2040

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, Original Character, Princess Cadance
Length: 194790

Just another one of those SI fics where a brony ends up in Equestria as Nightmare Moon

To be inserted into Equestria, it's a dream come true for anybrony!

Meet the ponies!

Have super awesome magical adventures!

Use foreknowledge to avoid all those silly pratfall moments without screwing things up and causing irreparable harm to the Mane 6...uh...hopefully!

And all for the low cost of possessing Princess Luna, denying her any real freedom or the ability to move on with her life since she's in your head and you're walking around as Nightmare Moon!

Yeah...there had to be a catch in there somewhere, didn't there?

Published 2015-07-01 17:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-06-17 03:53:45 UTC

I Canter a Lot With Some Princesses

When one goes to Equestria, one expects certain things. To make friends. To have adventures. To end up the center point of some special destiny. And to save Equestria while uh…finding love…with a pony.

While I wasn’t all that disappointed on not getting that last one, after being in Equestria for five weeks, the epic most thing that I managed to be a part of only happened the few hours after Celestia dragged me back to the castle…

I stood behind Celestia as the irate alicorn looked through the numerous books in her castle’s library. Her rather grumpy personality was probably thanks to the fact that she had left Twilight back in Ponyville after the girls had tried to blow me away with the Elements for a THIRD time and only managed to knock the dirt that had collected on my hooves off. And that her eye-candy guards weren’t around to see her be all PMS. Gods couldn’t look upset in front of the mortals after all.

After she snatched the twentieth book from the shelf and put it into the floating pile that she was keeping over our heads, I finally got the nerve to…hide behind Luna’s question. “Sister, why do you pilfer half the tomes from the shelves?”

“Looking for a spell to get me out of Luna?” I asked a second after Luna relaxed our mouth.

The tiniest of shivers ran through Celestia’s body, and she looked back at me with a frown. “If an exorcism existed powerful enough to force you from my sister, I assure you I would have used it the moment you returned and freed her from you without putting my student’s life in danger. These books are for something else.”

I flinched at Celestia’s tone and drew in on myself a bit. “Hey, it’s not like I want to be in here either you know. You think I like taking away Luna’s freedom? If I could leave this body, I would. Trust me on that one.”

A tingle in my mouth was the only warning I had before the speech patterns coming out of Luna’s lips changed. “She tells the truth Sister. We tried to separate during your imprisonment to no avail. I can neither fight her off, nor can she un-sink whatever of hers has managed to dig into me.”

Celestia glared at us for a few more moments, then let out a long sigh and lowered her head. “Luna, I have waited for your return for a thousand winters, crying, and planning, and even daring to hope I might be with you again for these past few years in friendship like we used to have before our duties over night and day came between us. And now I get…this,” she said before lifting her head to look at us.

The frown was still there. “So please understand that it will take me some time to…get used to seeing this. The one creature in all of Equestria that I have actually hated, walking around using your body without wanting to pound it into the ground,” Celestia said, grumbling towards the end.

As Celestia finished putting even the possibility I had of having a good mood in its coffin, Luna took over our mouth again. “Sister, things may not be perfect, but what we have now is better than what has been for the past millennium. Is this not enough until a true solution can be found? Or better than another thousand years apart?”

Tia held Luna’s gaze for a few more seconds, and then sighed. “Agreed,” she said before holding out a hoof. “Come here. Let me give you a hug.”

Since Luna’s ability to control the body we shared was rather limited, I was the one who did all the walking while she ran her mouth. “Tell me Sister. Why do you take the older books from the shelves if not to try another means of separation between myself and the Nightmare?”

Celestia drew us into a hug, wrapping around ours until her muzzle rested on the back of the opposite shoulder from which it started. “Luna, you’ve been absent from Equestria for a thousand years. You’re going to need to do a lot of studying in order to catch up on things.”

I tensed and frowned. “Wait a second,” I asked. The change in our speech pattern from Luna to mine was followed by Celestia tensing. “Luna comes back after a thousand years…and the first thing you do is give her homework?”

And I was supposed to be the evil one.

Thankfully, our ‘homework’ wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. Mostly due to the fact Luna and I could cheat our way out of anything doing with technology since I already possessed a pretty good idea of how most of the things in Equestria worked. So, Luna didn’t cry witchcraft at light bulbs and claimed that cameras stole her soul.

Although, I think my ineptitude with magic may have balanced things out. Even with an unofficial tutor to help me along, it took me a week before I managed to surround anything with my magic. Then another week to keep from crushing the object with my magic. Five more days until I could move something around at a speed that didn’t put eggs through brick walls, and two days after that until a relaxed hold on my magic became more natural. After that, it was just practice, practice practice.

Luna tried to console me with the fact that most ponies started out with barely any horsepower in their horns while I was running on something approaching a NASCAR level of a magical engine, but I still felt pretty stupid. Not to mention nowhere near confident enough to try levitating living creatures. As for Luna, she got a bit better when it came to working magical spells with me and guiding me through them, but the alicorn was still stuck with basic levitation when it came to using her horn on her own.

Then there were all the other things that we had to do that weren’t nearly as time consuming as reading everything on our to-do list. The first thing was raising the moon. It was…an interesting experience. As Luna guided us through the process, I felt a weird power flowing through me that filled me with all these weird…squishy feelings.

If that was how ponies felt while expressing their talents, it was no wonder they tended to go nuts when things blew up in their face in relation to stuff that had to do with their tramp stamps.

After that, Luna had to reassemble the Night Guard that had fallen into a bit of disrepair when she left. The ‘Lunar Pegasi’ were apparently a rare breed of pony that came about before the banishment thanks to some big pro-Luna unicorn coming up with an enchantment to help like-minded ponies serve their princess better. The end result was a pegasus with eyes that could see in the dark and wings that had less speed, but greater mobility. And ever since that unicorn died off and Luna vanished, the bat-ponies had been hanging out in a subterranean castle while sending a token force to Canterlot for night patrols around the capital. They apparently didn’t like the fact that their monster fighting duties had been usurped by the EUP.

Celestia had countered with the argument that without Luna to lead them into battle, the lunar pegasi would had taken too many losses when it came to fighting monsters. So she allowed their sub-tribe to retire and pass on the magic that made them different from generation to generation through their genes instead of slowly dying out over one-thousand years.

Now that she was back, Luna had wanted to bring her minions out of their little caves and back into the service of Equestria. Of course with most of the Night Guard having near zero real world combat experience, I had a feeling it was going to be awhile before Luna had her personal hit squad back up to where she wanted it.

Hell, the Captain of the Night Guard had only gotten the job after Luna learned he was responsible for stopping two muggers and discovering some punk thief that was responsible for a couple of gem store robberies. But that beat the runner-up. He only managed to apprehend a jaywalker and held the record for most kittens saved from trees in Canterlot.

As for my dream guarding duties…Luna had decided to keep those on hold until I could actually cast the spells needed to go into the dream realm. Not to mention the rest of the spells needed to deal with dream constructs, sooth minds, and all that other junk she did on a nightly basis. While I was feeling pretty bad about leaving Equestria to the mercy of its own subconscious, Luna told me that with Nightmare Moon being ‘reformed’ the dreams of the little ponies would be much more peaceful.

Apparently, the Mare in the Moon had still done her best to terrorize everypony even after being locked away.

As for the possession problem, I...wasn’t really trying my best to get the heck out of Dodge. Without Luna’s body, I really didn’t know what would happen to me. Sure it was cowardly, but I managed to sucker punch my scruples by letting Luna make all the decisions on what we did with her time.

But, as I awakened to my usual early to rise time of noon, none of that was on my mind. No, what mattered to me at the moment was breakfast. And as my body took a second to remind me, the need to take care of morning necessities.

After…taking care of business in the extra luxurious bathroom Celestia had provided Luna with, I walked up to look in the mirror. For some reason, talking to Luna felt less weird when I could see our face. “So remind me, what’s on the agenda for today?” I asked my reflection before grabbing the tooth brush. As per our deal, I took care of the daily hygiene while Luna dealt with…other business.

“I was thinking we could work on your side-cantering today, then we can try galloping around the castle a few times,” Luna replied in ‘mental speak’ as our horn shoved a plastic rod with bristles around my mouth rather roughly. While I could move things around, the rough control I had of my magic was hardly gentle. Luna considered the discomfort a good teaching tool.

I just made sure not to shove something too hard. Being in the same body meant we shared the same tastes, ticklish spots, and sores. If I got us hurt, she would lay into me for hours. And as Luna could only move one appendage at time, it was usually my fault when we ended up on our face.

After I spit out the mouth cleaning material, I looked back up at the mirror and frowned. “Ugh. You want me to spend the whole day just walking around?”

“There will of course be time for our studies,” Luna tried to console me.

Which didn’t do all that much. Okay yeah, I had been pretty excited to learn about Equestrian history for about the first ten days that I was here. But after getting the gist of things, everything kind of got boring. Magic was also pretty cool, but I had already learned how to move things with my horn after so many weeks and figured out how to blow shit up on my first day here. Now Luna was just going over basic theory over the feel of magic instead of spells to teleport, turn things into oranges, time travel, or any of the fun stuff.

With my teeth brushed, I took a moment to take a look at my free flowing hair. I hadn’t replaced the old Nightmare Moon regalia since the Elements apparently blew it all up and wasn’t planning to beyond the lunar chest piece we’d already gotten, although having to take care of bed mane was making me seriously reconsider putting a helmet back on.

One gargle of mouthwash and attachment of lunar regalia later, and I moved us out of Luna’s bedroom and into the main room of her apartment. Yeah, Luna didn’t just have her own little bedroom in the palace, she got a whole apartment that was divided into five rooms: bed, bath, living, private dining, and a spare room that I’m pretty sure would end up being a mare-cave.

I thought about just heading to the royal dining room by myself, but decided to wait for the usual company before I took a look around Luna’s living room for something to do. The whole place had been decorated with the alicorn in mind…after she had resumed her larger, dark blue size. In other words, it clashed with our black coat and helped to remind me that I didn’t really belong here.

As in the bedroom, the rest of Equestria was still kind of inviting…

…as long as I ignored the fear in the eyes of practically every pony that saw Nightmare Moon. Even five weeks in the castle hadn’t gotten the majority of the staff to stop shaking when I was around.

In fact, in all of Canterlot, the only ponies who didn’t go into ‘when’s she gonna eat us?’ mode were Tia, Luna’s Night Guard, the personal non-night guard escort that Celestia had assigned to look after me, and my babysitter.

Which, if the daily routine continued, would be at Luna’s door in five, four, three, two, one…

A knock on the door at exactly twelve-thirty was followed by Luna’s guard captain poking his head in. “Princess, your company is here.”

The telltale feeling of Luna taking control of our mouth accompanied my motion of looking at the exit. “Excellent Captain Nightwing. You may show them in.”

At Luna’s command, the door opened all the way to admit three ponies. The first of which being Nightwing. Being a bat-pony, he of course had wings that matched the flying rodent the first part of his species was named for, and his ears were a bit bigger than the average talking horse. As it was still day out, the not-thestral had on a pair of sunglasses to keep from going blind despite the fact we were indoors and Luna’s rooms were about as dark as you could get.

But it was the pair of ponies that entered after him that held my attention. I had already milked Nightwing for all the MLP trivia he had during our first week together anyway, and his extremely business-like demeanor had kind of gotten old real fast. Especially with Luna telling me to halt my attempts to make him crack a joke or smile.

No, the pony that held all my attention for the few seconds that it took her to walk in was my magic tutor and…babysitter: an extremely tall, mostly pink mare that was of equal height with even Canterlot stallions, who also happened to possess a pair of wings to go along with her horn.

Cadance was…exactly what I needed to stay sane in the world of candy colored ponies. She was smart, funny, kind, patient and understanding. From the very first moment we met on my third day in Equestria, she had done nothing but follow me around and help with everything from getting settled to learning magic. Something she was able to help me with just as much as Luna thanks to her late start in the horn-head society and the perspective it gave.

The second she was within range, I reached out and snatched up the smaller alicorn into a hug that was only slightly less than bone shattering before falling back my rear cushioning. “Cadance!”

She just giggled at the affection, and nuzzled me lightly on the neck as I continued with our customary greeting. “Good morning to you too Moony.”

Of course I would have loved to do the song and dance routine that Cadance did with Twilight, or at least a version more towards Luna’s taste like…

‘Moonshine moonshine stars everywhere, now turn around and put your ass in the air’.

But…me actually knowing that little song and dance would have raised too many questions. I had to keep things like that to myself...unfortunately.

Luna took command of our mouth, and I took that as my cue to let Cadance go before our body’s rightful owner spoke. “Greetings niece. I trust you and your future consort are here to accompany us once again?”

“Fiancé,” Cadance corrected Luna with her nearly ever present smile. “And yes, I thought we could all spend the day together again. You and Moony are much better company than the usual ponies Shiny and have to deal with in Canterlot.”

I gave the littlest alicorn a good-natured frown while I whined. “Cadance! Stop calling me Moony! It’s Nightmare! Nightmare sounds cooler.”

To which Cadance only smiled at me for. “But Moony is cuter,” she said before her face became slightly more serious. “And I thought you wanted to come off as more approachable to the palace staff.”

“Pffft. That’s Luna,” I informed her. I quit frankly couldn’t give a fuck what a bunch of background ponies that weren’t from Ponyville thought about me. Although it did kind of piss me off how they made Luna feel with their nervousness whenever we walked by. Although the old-fashioned mare claimed the opinions of the servants to be beneath her concern, I could tell she didn’t like being feared. “And it’s not my fault if they’re still holding on to a bunch of old stupid stories that Tia let circulate to completely destroy my reputation. Hay, I’m the friendliest mare in Canterlot!”

Luna made us sigh she said as we turned our head to the right. “I believe the title thou doth search for is most embarrassing mare in all of Canterlot.”

Like usual when it came to Luna, I looked over to the left as I toned down my retort a bit by putting a little humor in it. “Oh come on Luna. Having ponies worried about the hug monster is way better than them getting worried about something that’s going to eat them.” Once again, I had to wonder how in the hell Celestia let a rumor like that run wild. Sure, it was about Nightmare Moon and not Luna, but did she not get that ponies would see the connection and jump to conclusions?

Right. “Royalty must always act with grace and restraint.”

I looked left, and smirked. “You remember how I could barely do more than walk when we first got here right? I think my hopes of being thought of as graceful died a quick and painful death after I fell over my own four hooves in the first hour.” And how a mare who talked with the Royal Canterlot Voice when we were in public could even use a word like restraint without the irony of the statement crushing her was beyond me.

Luna made us look right again. “Even if a group of nobles should see a princess descend from her dais and roll in the mud with pigs, what they shall always remember is that she descended from a throne to do so.”

Left, with a raised eyebrow. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Luna rolled her eyes as she turned our head right. “Ponies shall always think first and foremost of the glories of their princesses, long as we actually perform acts worth such praise,” she explained. “Now enough with this conversation. We are becoming dizzy.”

That, I couldn’t argue. So instead, I finally turned towards our third guest for brunch. He was a stallion with a bright white coat and blue mane. The guard training had obviously helped in making the male pony a thick example of his race, with a strong legs, back, and hindquarters. Although any manliness vibes that such a stallion could have pulled off were ruined by the fact he was wearing the most adorable suit of purple and gold armor that incorporated a saddle, with a sigil showing off a hot pink star that matched the one on his butt tattoo. Which also made me wonder how in the hell Shining Armor wasn’t picked by Celestia to train before Twilight ever even came along since he also had the Element of Magic displayed on his rear. Something I really needed to ask about how he got.

As for personality…

I reached out to the big, strong stallion with extended pony-arms. “Hey Shiny, give me a hug.”

To which he backed away from a little. “Um…no thank you.”

…he was a bit…standoffish.

Don’t get me wrong. Shining Armor was perfectly respectable towards me and Luna. Not to mention nice, and even known to crack a joke from time to time, unlike Luna’s captain of the guard who was apparently moonlighting as a guard for Buckingham Palace. It just would have been nice for the one guy I knew around town to be a little bit more buddy-buddy with me.

Of course, I couldn’t really fault Shiny for being a little on edge around me considering the real reason him and Cadance were in town.

“So, shall we meet Auntie in the dining hall?”

“Yes,“ Luna said. “Let us break our fast…and hear Sister drone on about how inane most of her petitioners have become.”

I laughed at that one while we started heading down the hall. “What did she say her most important case the other day was?” I remembered it had to do with something so stupid that had I been the one with her rear on the throne, I probably would have had the pony tossed out on his rump. On the other hand, it was good to know 'Princess Spike' inane junk. Ponies were just that in need of the nanny.

It was my stoic bodyguard who answered. “A petition from one of the older neighborhoods to create a citywide ordinance to make it illegal for colts to spit on the sidewalk. Apparently, it is the latest craze amongst Canterlot’s more rebellious youth.”

I giggled and rolled my eyes. Those evil pony teenagers, what dastardly act of vile villainy would they think of next?

“Hehehe,” I laughed as we came to the end of the hallway and moved out onto the walkway that connected the top of Luna’s tower with the rest of the castle. “If that’s the biggest problem Celestia’s having then…”

Out of the sheer need to torture myself, I looked in a generally westward direction toward a certain settlement of sapient equines. Despite my five weeks in Equestria, I had not attempted to set a single hoof in Ponyville. To be honest, it was slowly driving me crazy with the need for more pony better than any hiatus the show had ever did.

Sure I was surrounded by ponies, but...they weren’t Ponyville ponies! There was a difference!

But…I couldn’t just rush over there. I wanted to make absolutely sure I got things right the first time around. Which meant I needed to be sure that I could do more than just walk. That meant magical training, some background history of Equestria so I didn’t just stare blankly when everyone talked about something like Sir Gallophad and Princess Platinum, and getting Luna enthused about the whole thing with a casual wondering of how the first six friends she made after busting out of the moon were doing every few days.

Sure, we had access to Tia’s friendship reports, but that just increased my appetite for pony!

But instead of wondering what shenanigans Pinkie was up to, trying to see if I could spot Dash’s rainbow trail, making sure Twilight Sparkle hadn’t summoned an eldritch abomination to devour us all, trying to get an accurate measurement of the size of Applejack’s farm, trying to catch a glimpse of Fluttershy at her end of the town with Luna’s rather amazing eyes, or checking to see if Sweetie Belle had set Rarity’s house on fire yet, my attention was drawn to something else. There was big ominous cloud of black smoke was coming out of the mountain above Ponyville.

Luna retook control of our right hoof, raised it, and then jacked the mouth of our body. “Pray tell niece, what is that?”

“Oh, I asked about that this morning,” Cadence replied. “Apparently a dragon began nesting up there an hour after dawn. Don’t worry, Princess Celestia assured me that she has her best ponies on it.”

That got a little frown from me. “Aren’t the two of you, an alicorn and a captain of the guard, her best ponies?”

Cadance blinked at the question. “Well…yes, but…we…uh…”

As much as I liked the idea that Cadance was trying to spare my feelings, I knew she was just trying her best to not let the truth out about the real reason a freaking alicorn was following me around all day. And after five weeks, I was done letting things just go on as they were when the was probably better off elsewhere.

I gave her a half-lidded look. “Cadance, just because I act immature half the time doesn’t mean I’m stupid. I know the two of you are keeping an eye on me.”

The pink alicorn stood motionless at my declaration.

“What do you speak of?” Luna asked as I thought about how obvious everything was. While I might have bought the whole ‘hey meet my sister’ line that Celestia had given to all of us when we were introduced, having important ponies like the two of them constantly follow me around made it pretty clear as to what was really going on.

If I did turn out to be evil and had some great big long con going on, it was a pretty good guess that Celestia had called in her two biggest heavy hitters in order to restrain me without causing too much damage to Luna. It was a bit of an insult after I had worked to let her out the same day the old Nightmare shut her away, but considering that Cadance had pretty much became my bestie after her original apprehension was worn down, I was willing to let it slide.

“Cadance and Shining Armor are here to watch me and do something if I end up turning evil again,” I said as calmly as I could. Although I’ll admit, saying it out loud made me frown just a bit.

The pink alicorn let out a groaning sigh. “Maybe that was the case for the first week, but-”

Luna cut her off. “Deception or not, I would hope that my other has managed to show her lack of a threat,” she grumbled.

“Princess Luna,” Shining Armor spoke up. “You have to admit that simply letting the Nightmare into our trust right after it came back would have been a bit much.”

Luna snorted. “You speak of the mare I share every second of my life with from the moment we leave the bed until the second we return to it to sleep together,” she replied, getting an odd look from the pair of ponies. Luckily, she didn’t seem to notice and went on. “If there was any animosity in her heart, it would have shown when she had Twilight Sparkle helpless at her hooves, and my own sister still imprisoned, would it not?”

The disgruntled tone coming out of our mouth made Shining Armor wince. “Look, I said right after it came back. After so many weeks, I’m pretty sure Nightmare Moon is not going to be the threat that Princess Celestia thought it might.”

“Excellent!” Luna said with a nod. “Although, twould be better to refer to my other as she captain, not it.”

If Shining was willing to give, I was too. So before he could say anything, I cleared our throat and looked back towards my shoulder like Luna and I always did when addressing myself. “Actually Luna, Shining’s more on the mark here than you or Cadance. I don’t really have a gender, so…I technically am an it.”

The owner of my body let out a little sigh and looked the other way back towards us. “Very well, I shall capitulate on that front my other,” she replied. “Now, let us continue on to more pressing matters.”

For the sake of theatricality, and because Luna told me to, I slammed open the door leading into the dining hall, where we found Celestia sitting at the table with the plates for the rest of us sat out in front of her. As usual, everypony but me and Luna had what was the normal thing for ponies to eat for lunch sitting in front of their usual places, while we ended up with an omelet that consisted of egg, oats and few other things that I allowed the chef to throw in like parsley. Just because I lived in Equestria didn’t mean I was going to eat hay, no matter how they fixed it.

But that wasn’t important at the moment, what had all of our attention was the mare sitting at the middle of the table. Something I had to give Tia props for instead of taking a spot at the head of the indoor wooden runway.

Anyway, Shining and Cadance followed me in while maintaining a respectful distance as I marched me and Luna into the room and up to the opposite end of the table from Tia while she did all the talking. “SISTER! RALLY THE TROOPS AND PREPARE TO MARCH! WE MUST STRIKE AT…” Luna paused as I stood across from Celestia. “Nightmare?”

“Yeah Luna?” I replied after wrestling control of our mouth away from her.

“How are we to convince Celestia of the righteousness of our cause if you are unable to add proper action to our words?” Luna demanded. “Now strike the table!”

I put out hoof up on the table.

“Harder!”

I tapped the table.

“HARDER!”

I hit my hoof on the top of the table.

“For the love of the moon! Would you slam our hoof down upon the wood hard enough to split the table in half already?” she demanded.

Thankfully, before I could actually cause any property damage, Celestia surrounded our hoof in a golden light and gave the two of us an even look. “Is something wrong Luna?”

“Indeed! A cowardly serpent sleeps within the borders of our Equestria, filling our skies with its foul breath right over the home of the only six mares to call themselves my companions since my return! I demand we show this wyrm what happens to those of its kind that attempt to disrupt the harmony of our little ponies!” Luna exclaimed before she became a little hesitant. “It can be the start of my…what was the phrasing you used Nightmare?”

I looked back at us. “Comeback tour.”

Celestia let out a long sigh. “Luna, while I am glad to see you wish to resume your place as a guardian of Equestria, things aren’t the way they used to be when you were last here.”

“Yes Sister,” Luna agreed. “The guard has become useless, the nobles a court of foals, and the horrors of the outside world now believe that they can trot all over us! Tis time that we dissuade such things by action! Not…what exactly are you doing to remove this creature anyway?”

Celestia looked down at the hoof that I had rested on the dinning table and raised an eyebrow. Then, after I removed it, she took a sip of water from her glass, and finally addressed Luna. “I sent Twilight and her friend to try and convince the dragon to next elsewhere. I am more than confident that they are up for the task.”

“Well…as long as they have the Elements…” Cadance mumbled.

“Right!” Shining agreed nervously. “The Elements. They defeated Nightmare Moon with them…uh, no offense…”

I gave him a little smirk. “None taken.”

“Then they should be alright,” he finished, albeit a little nervously.

Celestia looked over to Shining Armor. “Actually, the Elements are still locked away here in Canterlot.” The fact that she managed to say that with a straight face was probably what terrified him the most.

I know it did me.

After standing there for a few seconds, Shining Armor slowly looked over to the door. “Um, your highness…permission to be excused for…uh, family business.”

“Shining Armor…” Celestia began as she went off on some big speech about how he needed to trust in his sister and all that junk.

I didn’t pay that much attention to it beyond noticing that Cadance was also looking a little iffy when it came to ‘trusting’ the little filly she sat for and probably considered a baby sister not to get hurt when facing what were generally thought to be biggest douchebags in the world both in size and assholery. I had seen the show, which was apparently pretty accurate considering an actual dragon had shown up and took a nap exactly where the all-knowing television said it was going to be. I knew how it was going to turn out, so I wasn’t all that worried about the girls being eaten.

However, I also saw this for was it really was: the chance to finally get out of this fucking castle, and into Ponyville where I belonged! Hanging with Cadance and Shining Armor had been nice, but I wanted some Mane Six interaction damnit!

“…so you see Shining Armor. Twilight and her friends are the perfect ponies for this task,” Celestia said as she finished spinning her complicated explanation so well, I’m not even sure Shining Armor knew what he was agreeing with anymore.

As for me, I did the smart thing when it came to combating Celestia’s sensible logic.

I didn’t listen!

So in response to Tia’s carefully drawn out explanation of the situation that also might have mentioned by the time we got to Ponyville, everything would be over with, I stomped Luna’s hoof on the floor. “Oh yeah? Well We say to thee neigh! You can sit on your oversized plot and stuff yourself with cake if you want Tia. We shall go forth and save our friends from this greatest of calamities!”

Celestia…blinked as her face became confused. “Luna…is that you or the Nightmare talking? I can’t tell when you’re using both olden and modern vernacular in the same sentence.”

“Agreed my partner!” Luna…well, agreed without paying Celestia any mind. “Let us be off to the hamlet of Ponyville! Post haste!”

A groan from the table followed us as I trotted away as fast as I dared. “Luna, Nightmare, Like I just said, it’s already past noon. By the time a chariot is prepared, Twilight should have already finished her and-”

“To the balcony then! We shall away to Ponyville through the sky under our own power and get some much needed flying in!” my boss commanded while Celestia groaned and face-hoofed.

I had a bit of apprehension for that idea, but…Luna knew what she was doing. So I quickly horse-walked us out onto the balcony, spread our wings, managed to push down that ingrained fear that all people had about jumping off high places without a parachute, bungee cord, or any other device that would let me avoid becoming a smear on the ground, and leapt off the edge after going through the rather awkward process of climbing over the railing.

Flying as a pony was an…interesting experience. As I had never really done it before beyond a few test flaps to get me off the ground and see what it felt like to lift myself up with my wings, I found just letting the wind fill my wings to be pretty exhilarating.

Or maybe that was just the terrifying realization that there was nothing between me and the ground aside from Luna’s ability to flap our wings.

“Very good. Now, you need to begin flapping our wings to gain some altitude, and readjust yourself to the right in order to compensate for the changing airflow,” Luna explained with our voice.

The command made me go rigid. Luna giving me instruction on how to fly was NOT how I was expecting this thing to go. “W-What do you mean flap our wings? Just take over and start flying us around!”

“Need I remind you that I may only control one part of our shared body at a time?” Luna replied. “Attempting to fly in such a manner would be most idiotic.”

And as it turns out, getting super stiff while trying to fly around was a VERY bad idea. The wind changed direction, and I felt one of my wings catch it to blow me off balance. Which I then tried to compensate for by flapping my wings like crazy as I kicked my legs around as if I could run on air or something. This turned out to be yet another bad idea, as I actually ended up flipping upside down, and going into a tailspin not fifty feet from where Luna and I had first taken flight before I voiced my distress at the situation. “AAAAAAAHHHHH!”

Luna took over our voice and stopped me from screaming uncontrollably. Her screams had much more structure to them. “WHAT THE BUCK WHERE YOU THINKING, JUMPING OFF THE BALCONY IF YOU CAN’T FLY ?”

“YOU TOLD ME TO DO IT!” I countered as we continued to spiral. “AND I THINK IT WAS PRETTY OBVIOUS THAT I COULDN’T FLY! YOU’VE BEEN WITH ME EVERY DAY SINCE I GOT HERE, AND WE HAVEN’T HAD ONE FLYING LESSON!” It was all legs, and then magic, magic, magic. The pegasus part of our pony body got royally screwed when it came to lessons.

“WELL IF I TOLD YOU TO JUMP OFF A BRIDGE, WOULD YOU ACTUALLY DO IT?” she demanded.

“DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUST ASK ME THAT?”

Luna groaned, and I felt her take control of our horn for some reason. As I was pretty certain she wasn’t about to pull off a teleportation or anything, I went about doing my best to save our collective ass. I sucked in as much air as I could, and did something I had been wanting to do for a second time since I got to Equestria and found out how easy it was.

“SAVE ME TIA!”

The Royal Canterlot Voice probably got heard throughout all of the castle, but the telltale sound of a teleportation before me and Luna just stopped falling made me open my eyes, and frown at the odd bluish tint that the world had taken rather than the gold I had been expecting.

As I hung upside down in the air, with Celestia looking down at me with her that disapproving frown I had gotten to know rather intimately over the past several weeks, I gave a nervous laugh. “Ehehehe, I forgot that Luna could levitate us. Uh…sorry about the windows…again.”

Celestia just looked down at me, closed her eyes for a few seconds in what had to be a control exercise, and sighed. “Are you alright?”

“Um…you know Luna can’t talk while she’s using magic, right?” I asked.

The goddess sighed and rubbed her head. “I know. I was asking you.”

I blinked as Luna moved us right side up. “Yeah um…we’re okay,” I told her. “Uh…physically anyway.”

“Just physically?” Celestia asked with a raised eyebrow.

With Celestia looking at me, I kind of felt like one of those kids that had been caught with her hand in the cookie jar. It was as if she had seen right through my masterful deception for what it was. So, I just let out a defeated whine and followed it up with some words. “Tia I’m grateful all the hospitality and stuff and getting Cadance to make sure I wasn’t some sort of evil monster instead of somepony like Blueblood,” I told her while shuddering at the memory of meeting that whiny jackass. “But I’m booooooored! I wanna go see those six mares that blasted me with the Elements and talk to them again! And do something other than just sitting around here reading a bunch of books and getting nowhere with my magic.”

Then something else came to mind. “Oh, and get some flying lessons. Because I think I need them too.”

Luna took over the vocal output as soon as I stopped for more than a few seconds. “She has a point Sister. It is rather boring just sitting around the castle, receiving tutoring on subjects we already have knowledge of,” she agreed as we stood up to our full height and met Celestia eye to eye. “And…the health of those six little ponies does concern me. I would like to meet with them again to see how they fare.”

The goddess continued to meet our eyes, although she untensed just the tiniest bit. “Very well. I will clear a day up next week for us to visit Ponyville and see my student and her friends.”

As we reached a happy ending for…whatever the hell had just transpired, I had to resist the urge to tell Celestia that I learned if you needed to make the leader of a government change her mind, jumping off the nearest balcony was the way to get her attention.

“And now, we should probably head over to the chariot garage before Cadance and Shining Armor take off,” she said before turning around to walk back towards the castle.

I quickly caught up and looked over to Celestia while Luna spoke. “Care to explain Sister?”

Celestia giggled. “Oh come now Luna, you don’t think you’re the only pony to try and rush to Twilight’s rescue, are you?” she asked with a smile. “The two of them were probably out the door the second I teleported away. If they manage to get to Ponyville, Twilight will probably be embarrassed to death.”

Since it didn’t seem Luna wasn’t going to respond, I talked instead. “Well, it’s good you’re at least protecting her from something.”

“Oh you misunderstand,” Celestia told me as she looked over with a devilish smile. “If we are going to Ponyville next week, Cadance and Shining Armor will be coming with us, and I don’t want to miss a second of that little reunion. And everypony knows all the good embarrassing stories only happen during the first visit after such a long absence, right Sister?”

If Luna had bothered to take control of her eyes, I’m pretty sure she would have rolled them.

Author's Note

Next time on the Adventures of Batmare!

Nightmare Moon begins to wonder if three princesses (or four depending on your view of things) taking a day off in Ponyville is such a good idea when a change in the weather schedule means an unplanned downpour that was supposed to happen a week ago traps Applejack and Rarity inside Twilight's treehouse...along with five extra house guests.

Will our hero be able to make the world stick to the script?

Or will she be too busy trying to cheat at truth or dare to make Celestia spill Equestria's darkest secrets and just act stupid?

I Engage in a Pretty Pony Slumber Party

It was late into the night as I stared at the white alicorn sitting across from me with a frown, her own features frozen with an iron resolve. Thunder boomed outside the shelter we had taken. Rain continuously pelted the windows with its unending but mostly harmless fury, and firefly lamps provided illumination for all of us to see.

Although she seemed hesitant, we all knew it was over. Fate had determined that she had no choice in the matter, and all of my decisions that had led us down this path could not be taken back. “So, that’s the way it’s going to be then?” Celestia asked me and Luna as we continued to grin at her with our evil smile, full of predatory teeth.

“Yes Sister. Now complete thy duty, as you know you must,” Luna told her as I spread our wings to remind her what should happen if she didn’t. As if it was waiting for just that moment, the lightning flashed outside again a second before the thunder boomed.

Celestia sighed and lowered her head. “Very well then. If there is no other way,” she said before leaning down as if to pounce towards us. And then, she moved and flailed her hooves in a practiced motion born from centuries of experience as she from one position to another!

“Sunshine sunshine, ladybugs awake!” the goddess of Equestria chanted with an extremely bright smile as she went about performing the foal’s exercise. “Clap your hooves and do a little shake!”

It took all my willpower not to laugh at the sight of the biggest butt in Equestria being swung around Twilight’s library while Celestia capitulated to my demand rather than take the terribly ticklish torture that would have been brought by my pegasus feathers, had she decided to take the penalty.

As Cadance finished giggling at the sight of Celestia doing the ladybug dance, she held the bottle sitting in the center of our six pony circle steady as the big alicorn sat down. “Okay Auntie, your turn.”

The big pony sat on her jiggling white cushion, and then spun the bottle, the end of which pointed to the dazed purple unicorn sitting between the equally stunned orange earth pony and white unicorn that was trying her best not to giggle at her goddess. “Well Twilight, what do you want? Truth or dare?”

…

…

…

Oh! if you’re wondering how things got to this point, it probably started…well, I guess it all began the night before, when me and Luna were just laying alone in bed…together…naked.

There were times when I laid awake at night as Luna went over…modern educational junk, thinking about my place in the world. Not this world of course, I knew my place in this world was to be Luna’s driver until I figured out how to get out of her body and…well…whatever came next.

What I wondered was mostly about all those important questions. Like who I was. What I did. Was I pretty? Was I rich? Was I pretty rich? Was I even really a girl? A lot of my thoughts seemed pretty damn masculine.

And then I threw all the idiocy aside.

Screw the old human me! Old me, with its world full of pollution and so much double talk from our leaders that if we actually bothered attaching a bull shit detector to any of them, it would explode with enough force to wipe out the western hemisphere.

I was a pony! Or...possessing one at any rate, which was close enough. So I was going to worry about pony things.

The top of the list being my inability to fly. The second thing on my list being a lack of a good flight teacher, something I would need to fix once I got to Ponyville.

Oh, Cadance had offered to teach me, and there was always Luna, but… Cadance was apparently ‘rusty’ at flying, despite the fact that she had actually been a pegasus before her horn sprouted. As for Luna, when she couldn’t hold my hand and guide me through things like she could with my horn…her teaching methods got rather…loud, and shouty, and threatening-y.

So, we had decided to find a better instructor. But the question was: who?

Although the Wonderbolts were skilled, my experience with FiM warned me to stay away from those assholes as much as possible. While I didn’t think they would be stupid enough to down-talk a princess, I was afraid of them putting their noses so far in-between Luna’s cheeks they came out brown.

No, there was only one pegasus worth teaching phantom possessing royalty how to fly, and as soon as I got to Ponyville tomorrow, fan-squealed over her for a bit, and managed to collect myself, I would be getting me a new flight instructor that could observe from the outside and actually tell me what I was doing wrong.

And then there were the other times, the ones I actually did end up thinking about important shit in the way they needed to be discussed. Like…

“Hey Luna?” I asked cautiously as I noticed her finish a page, judging by the movement of our eyes.

“Yes?” she replied with our mouth.

I gulped, and looked down at our hooves to fidget with them a little. “Is this…okay? Being like this I mean. I know it’s not really fair to you after being trapped for so long. And…I just…I’m sorry.” It was an apology a long time coming. And if there was something I was apparently talented at, it was procrastination.

“I’m not,” Luna replied gently.

Which made me blink. “W-What?”

“Nightmare, do you know what I would probably be doing if not for you?” she asked.

Drawing a blank, I just went, “uhhhh…”

“I would be here, in this room, reading the books my sister gave to me,” Luna told me. “And I would never leave. I would still be hiding from the servants that look at us with fear. Nor would I have been able to see Shining Armor or Cadence, or at least not as I know them now. And I would most definitely not be going to see our friends tomorrow.”

Which, made me feel a bit better. I knew Luna was a bit of a wallflower, making me take the reigns whenever we had to deal with anyone who wasn’t an alicorn...or sleeping with one in Shining Armor’s case.

“So do not feel regret for this situation, my other,” she consoled me. “For without you, I would still be trapped, and the experience would not be nearly as lovely as it is for me now.”

I found myself both relieved, and the tiniest bit disturbed by what Luna said. On the one hand, I had just been handed a guilt pass for running around in Luna’s body. On the other hand, Luna was apparently using me as a social crutch to either just get by, or maybe…get out of her shell. I know the last one was probably just wishful thinking, but…sometimes wishes came true.

All the proof I needed for that was to look in the mirror. After all, I was a fucking alicorn princess in Equestria with no baggage. Couldn’t get any better than that.

The afternoon we were set to go to Ponyville, I got up, took care of all our morning business with Luna, then met with the lovebirds to head towards the dinning room. To be honest, I was feeling like a kid on Christmas morning, and pranced down the hallway more than walked.

It had taken a lot of work for Celestia to clear her schedule for one day of all the whiners. Cadance had chipped in where she could, but I had a feeling she didn’t like politics all that much. Still, Tia had gotten everything we needed done, and after we all devoured the unholy child of breakfast and lunch and making sure a few last minute details were handled, we would be heading to Ponyville!

Brunch was the usual affair. The four of us, Celestia, Me/Luna, Cadance, and Shining sat at the center of the table while Nightwing stood off to the side, being his usual dour self. I would have invited him to come over, but Luna insisted that some proprieties be observed when in relation to the guard. Shining apparently got out of being lumped into that category because he had met Cadence before joining the guard when they were at Canterlot Academy, which was the equivalent of Equestria’s high school.

And once again, I was stuck eating a horse omelet. Which was a mix of human and pony foods wrapped up in a scrambled egg. Aside from that, I also had a small bowl of oatmeal and various fruits in a nice spread. Things tasted quite a bit different than I thought they should have, but that still didn’t mean I was going to eat anything made from hay.

Thankfully, Luna was one of those super elitists, and hay was one of those commoner foods she wouldn’t touch.

The food was good, but as always, the real juicy things we had for bunch were the conversations.

“Okay so I’ve got to know. Just how in the hay is somepony like Blueblood related to the two of you?” It was a question that all the bronies had been wondering since forever, and with the answers literally all around me, I decided to find out.

Shining Armor looked up from his food. “I’m actually curious about that myself. No offense Princess Celestia, but Blueblood is just…not what I’d expect from somepony that’s related to you.”

“Well if you want to be technical, Blueblood shares no actual relation with neither me nor Luna,” Celestia said before she looked over to me, or more likely, Luna. To be honest, I’m pretty sure Celestia did her best to pretend I didn’t exist. “Would you like to take this one. It was your idea after all.”

Luna put down our silverware and cut her control of our horn to move it to our mouth. “During the first few years of our rule, after we had become friends with Platinum at any rate, several of the noble houses of old Unicornia did complain most heatedly of our rule. The reason they stood behind to try and oust us from rulership over all of Equestria was a lack of any position within a noble household,” the Goddess of the Night said as she smiled. “So to fix that, Princess Platinum adopted us as her daughters.”

Beside us, Celestia let out a little grown. “You make it sound like a good thing,” she deadpanned. “I know you and her were best friends, but that little unicorn never let me forget I had agreed to call her Mommy in public.”

Luna giggled. “Ah yes, those were the days,” she said before her smile disappeared and she sighed. “Oh Celestia…I miss Platinum and all of our other friends.”

As Luna went back to managing our horn’s magic and spoon feeding us, I looked over to Celestia between bites. “So uh…Celestia…when was the last time you’ve been to Ponyville, aside from the Sun Celebration, I mean.”

“It’s been several years, I doubt more than a few ponies who live in Ponyville today would still be there,” Celestia replied as I reminded her and Luna about that whole problem immortality gave the creatures that couldn’t die a second time in less than fifteen seconds. Yay me.

The last five minutes of eating was done in silence. Then we had the servants clear everything away and took a few minutes to let our food digest. Trust me, flying on a full stomach was not the way to go. And that was when I was the one in charge of moving, I was certain taking a chariot would make things worse.

A single week of training under the princesses had left me a worse flier than alicorn Twilight. About the only things I could do was glide wildly, bob up and down, and perform precision landings on my face. Luna had started using our horn to keep me from the harder crashes, but…she thought that pain was a good deterrent against failure.

Then, after lunch, we had to spend a few hours making sure the palace would get by in our absence. Celestia had even sent for Spike so he could deliver messages to her if anything was really wrong. By which I mean she left him specific instructions not to bother her unless Canterlot was being burned to the ground.

Once we were ready, Celestia led us to where the royal carriages were parked and getting ready to go. Tia’s was that giant golden eyesore with the pink cushioning in the back and pearl-white front bumper while a light purple flag on top of the back that I had seen many times before. The damn thing was actually painted bright enough the real version just looked like a 3D version of the cartoon one.

Luna’s was much cooler. Thanks to the different coloration of Nightmare Moon’s coat, we went with a much darker hue than what it originally had, and the fact we were as big as Tia meant the size was a bit off from the thing that had been shown on television as well. I managed to talk her into a few minor changes as well to make the thing a bit more aerodynamic, raise the fins on the side a bit, and went with a different design on the front instead of a green version of Sauron’s evil eye. Instead, we went with a dark red insignia that honored her bat ponies a bit better than the slit pupils of their eyes: a picture of a pair of lunar pegasi wings spread wide painted in a nice yellow paint.

So…yeah, I basically talked Luna into redesigning her chariot into the Equestrian version of the bat mobile.

As for Cadence, she got…a regular chariot.

Don’t get me wrong, it was a nice chariot. The damn thing was made of gold for crying out loud! But…it was still just a normal chariot, for a princess that had been around for years. Twilight had gotten her own personalized one in less than ten seconds after she put a crown on, and Cadence was riding around in the bare bottom basic model?

So of course I just had to open Luna’s big mouth. “So uh…where’s your custom chariot Cadance?”

Despite the impossibility, I think Cadance actually managed to turn a shade pinker around the cheeks, and Shining Armor had turned to look the other way. “It’s um…being cleaned.”

I…blinked…and then turned away from the founding members of the Equestrian mile high club to wait for my bat ponies to hook up to Luna’s chariot while silently praying she didn’t start asking questions about what was going on between those two. Ancient immortal she may have been, but social isolation had made her pretty slow on the uptake for certain things.

As Cadence got into her chariot, Shining leaned forward to give her a kiss, and I blinked before he trotted away from her. “Wait…you’re not coming?” Sure, I was ditching my captian of the guard for this trip, but Twilight was Shining’s sister. Plus, they had a damn engagement to tell her about.

Shining Armor froze at my question, and then turned to look at me. “Uh…no. I’ve been away from the palace so long that work has piled up. Besides…a bunch of mares…this is about what you need. Not me.”

While that did touch my heart just a bit, I narrowed my eyes too. “So now we have to keep our mouth shut about the engagement, huh?”

Shining Armor winced. “Yeah.”

I rolled my eyes and sighed. “Yeah well…just don’t wait until the last bucking second to tell her. Trust me on this one. It won’t go well.”

And with that, I was off.

About five minutes into the flight, I knew something was very wrong. It wasn’t one of those vague mystical feelings of tingling dread. No, I just saw the gigantic black cloud hanging over Ponyville.

And I’m not being metaphorical, there was a giant black storm cloud hanging over the entirety of Ponyville, stopping right on the edges of town. It was…kinda creepy really. I mean, it was one thing to be underneath the clouds in Canterlot that just suddenly showed up to take care of some quick watering the streets needed, but it was another beast entirely to be above the clouds and looking down.

For starters, the cloud was all packed in perfectly. There wasn’t even a little tuft of clouds slowly separating from the main mass at all. And even if that wasn’t creepy enough from how my brain told me clouds were supposed to behave, the fact that the storm had completely surrounded the town like someone had put up some kind of net to catch the weather and hold it there was just…freaky.

“That’s odd,” I heard Cadence say just fine despite us speeding through the air. “Why would there be a thunderstorm scheduled for the same day we’re supposed to be visiting Ponyville? I would have thought there would have been a parade or something.”

Celestia guided her chariot in closer to me and the pink pretty pony princess. “Well that would be the case, if they knew we were coming.”

Both of us looked over to Celestia in confusion. Cadance also got to talk. “Um…what?”

I shared her confusion. World leaders just didn’t show up at places unexpectedly. The amount of security that was put in place for the President of the US walk down the street and into a restaurant was massive and took hundreds of people and days of planning to accomplish. The amount of panic and chaos that Celestia would create from just showing up with no warning would be…exactly something a troll like her would do.

“Cadance, you’ve seen how it is whenever I go anywhere outside of Canterlot,” Celestia countered as she looked in our direction with her tiny smile, like she knew she had already won the argument. “Ponies set up parades, throw streamers, and have some big event where they drag me up on a stage to gawk at.” She shifted her gaze ever so slightly. “Does that sound like something you would enjoy, Sister?”

Although her body language was pretty much a non-factor with only one limb under her control at a time, I could tell what Luna’s answer would be before she even spoke. “No. That does sound rather…unpleasant.”

Celestia clapped her hooves once in that ‘things are decided’ kind of way. “So, it’s settled then. We’ll head into the library, have Twilight gather her friends for an afternoon of visitation, and then we’ll leave after the storm ends. All the while, the rain will keep the crowds away from the tree and allow us our peace.”

I had to admit, it was an interesting way to ensure our privacy. Considering how all the kids went gaga over the princess that actually lived in town, and what happened at the annual swap meet and other big Equestrian events, I was pretty sure a visit from the god empress of ponykind would draw a crowd composed of every single pony in Ponyville. It wasn’t something Luna would enjoy.

As we came in for a landing at the edge of the storm cloud, I blinked at the sight. Ponyville was…completely empty. With the dark cloud looming overhead, the whole thing looked pretty…creepy.

Sure, the logical part of my brain knew that if a town of creatures with no arms to hold umbrellas had a one-hundred percent perfect weather schedule to tell them when water would fall from the sky, then it made sense that nopony would be caught out in the rain unless there was some major scheduling problems. Hell, I doubted most of the stores would even be open.

Still, empty town and ominous black cloud. Creepy.

Once the four of us disembarked, Celestia turned back to the chariots. “Thank you for your service gentle colts. You may return to Canterlot now. We’ll send word once the storm has passed.”

The guards nodded and did as they were told while I looked over to Celestia. “Uh Tia, you sure that’s a good idea?”

“I’m not going to make them just stand around outside Ponyville, Nightmare,” Celestia replied. “And the library will be cramped enough as it is with the four of us visiting Twilight and her friends.”

Since I really didn’t feel like pressing the issue, we walked into town. Cadence actually ended up taking the lead thanks to me and Tia’s little conversation. Directions weren’t really a problem. Where we were going was tall enough to be seen all over the town.

Of course, there were a few ponies that noticed the presence of three goddesses just walking down the grassy streets. Ponies looked out of their windows at us in shock at the presence of the creatures that moved the sun and moon around as well as…the one that did…whatever the hell Cadance did before she got stuck up in the frozen north.

Luna apparently didn’t like the attention. “Could we not have simply push aside some clouds and made our way into Twilight Sparkle’s tree from above?”

As Celestia remained silent on the issue, I felt the need to get rid of Luna’s stupid fears settle on my shoulders. “Oh come on Luna, this isn’t Canterlot. I mean…remember how the ponies treated us when we came here the last time?”

“Do you speak of the time when you condemned them all to eternal night, or the day after, when we did spend a whole five seconds in town before Sister dragged us back to Canterlot rather than attend the festivities?” she countered.

Celestia’s face became a little pained. “I do apologize for that, to the both of you. I did not know how benign you would be Nightmare, and surrounded by the little ones as we were…”

I found my mood a little dour by the fact something had changed from the way it should have been according to my memories of what was supposed to happen. Like the fact that Luna hadn’t been there to get a wreath put around her neck and whatever the hell else Ponyville was supposed to do for the Summer Sun Celebration. I also didn’t give Celestia a nod to show her I understood, but rather, looked around at the few ponies that were looking at their windows at us.

I also just decided to fix this whole stupid thing right now, and scanned the houses that had onlookers gawking at us from the first floor. It was the adorably cute light purple unicorn foal with the sandy mane that caught my eye. Although I was still having a little trouble telling pony girls from pony boys without a view from the rear, or telltale things like makeup and facial hair, I was pretty sure the foal I saw watching me was a filly. She was looking at me and Celestia with eyes that were full of wonder and amazement.

So, I decided to just make that little filly’s day, or week, and possibly her whole month. I trotted over to the window and smiled. “Hello little one, what’s your name?” I asked the little pony with a bright smile.

And…that’s when everything kinda started to go downhill.

The loud crash of thunder and flash of lightning accompanied the upward turn of my mouth as I…showed the girl my predatory teeth.

That was probably what caused the little filly let out a scream and ran away from the door shouting. “I’ll eat my vegetables! I’ll eat my vegetables Mommy! Just don’t let Nightmare Moon eat meeeeeeee!”

I…blinked.

A tiny bit of moisture impacted my head.

Celestia walked up to stand next to us.

The rain started to fall.

Luna let out a long sigh, and I turned our head to look at Celestia. “Might we go and meet with Twilight Sparkle now? I wish avoid any more such incidents.”

And then the rain became a downpour.

Thanks to my limited bank of spells that numbered about…three, it was Celestia that put up a small dome of a shield above us to keep us from getting even more wet as we finished the trek to Twilight’s house and place of business. Since Cadance had ditched us, she had apparently made it there with enough time for Twilight to get over the surprise of her just showing up out of the blue and onto the more important things.

“Sunshine sunshine, ladybugs awake!” Cadance and Twilight said at the same time as a floating purple dome kept them both dry.Hanging out with Shining Armor all the time had let Cadance pick up some of his skills. “Clap your hooves and do a little shake!”

The of them laughed and hugged like only family could. Then when the moment of cute was over, Twilight got back on all four hooves to smile at Cadance. And with her soaking up all of Twilight’s attention, it was pretty obvious that she hadn’t noticed me and Celestia approaching from her side. “So what are you doing in Ponyville? I haven’t heard from you since I got my cutie mark!”

That…was the kind of thing I just couldn’t stay silent for. “Wait…really?” I asked in disbelief. Which was probably the reason why Twilight turned her head to look in my direction as I threw my hoof out towards Cadance. “You and Shining Armor have been together for years, and she’s just now hearing from you again?”

“Pa-pa-prin-princess,” Twilight stammered.

Cadance had the decency to clear her throat and look away from me while she rubbed one of her forelegs with a fetlock. “Well um…it was a…long distance relationship for a long time, and I didn’t want to make Twilight feel bad about me spending all my free time with Shiny.”

“P-PRINCESS CELESTIA?” the little unicorn shrieked. “W-What are you doing here?”

The goddess simply giggled at her poor student’s near heart attack, and smiled. “It’s good to see you too Twilight. And as for your question, at the moment I’m getting rather soggy hooves,” she replied with a smile. “Might we come in?”

As Twilight’s eyes went wide from the fact that she was making Princess Celestia stand out in the rain, I had to feel a bit for the poor purple pony that once again panicked at the drop of a hat. “Of course! Of course come in! Come on in!”

Celestia walked up to the door with me behind her as Cadance went on inside. She paused halfway the entrance to leave me and Luna in the rain, and looked down to the unicorn. “Although the real answer to your question is that my sister and Nightmare Moon wanted to see you and your friends again,” she said before her caring smile turned the slightest bit guilty. “And to be honest…I did too. Letters are nice, but it’s no substitute for talking face to face. Plus, I would like the chance to get to know your friends as well.”

“Oh!” Twilight exclaimed before she walked into the library and I had to wait for Tia to fit her fat ass through just to see anything while the little unicorn continued talking. “Well, you picked a strange day for it, but then again…Rarity and Applejack are already here so…”

As Twilight trailed off, I heard a voice with the telltale twang speaking from inside. “Yeah, Rainbow Dash messed up the weather schedule just a mite last week, and now we’ve got this doozy of a downpour to make up for it.”

And…I…stopped at the entrance when Celestia finally moved her big booty out of the way so I could see Applejack and Rarity standing there.

I had one of those moments.

You know, those moments where everything clicks and your head, and you come to a realization?

Not a good realization.

A bad realization.

Terrifying, really.

That realization: I had landed in the middle of a friendship problem. One of those special moments early on in the relationships between Twilight and her friends where they learned to overcome difficulties, accept each others differences, or just learn to forgive pony X for being a complete and total dumbass. And while later friendship problems were…meh, thanks to the girls being such good friends, the earlier ones were the much needed proverbial foundation for the friendship castle that that would later become the eyesore of Ponyville.

In short, they were things I didn’t want to touch with a ten-thousand foot pole.

“Is something wrong Luna?” Celestia asked with her head turned back towards us.

I briefly thought about saying something was indeed wrong, and I couldn’t be in the treehouse with Twilight and the others because…well…uh…

Coming up with an excuse would have been so much easier if the entirety of the pony universe wasn’t depending on my ability to think on my feet-turned-hooves! PRESSURE WAS NOT A FRIEND OF THE LYING PART OF THE BRAIN!

Luna sighed. “Nightmare, wouldst thou hurry it up and get us inside? Our hooves are becoming pruned.”

I my head bowed in defeat, and walked through the door…in defeat, because I was defeated. And in my defeat, I could only take a moment at the door to remove my horseshoes in that special defeated way, and took a seat next to the pair of ponies that had defeated me. Then, to top it all off, I let out a sigh of defeat.

Beside me, Applejack looked over to the white giant pony in the room nervously. “Pardon me yer Highness, but…what’s wrong with her-er, them?”

Celestia regarded me and Luna for a moment before answering. “I’m afraid Luna and Nightmare attempted to befriend a little filly on their way here just a few moments ago,” she explained. “It didn’t work out.”

“We sent the foal running away from us in terror Sister,” Luna elaborated with a sigh.

“Aw shoot Princess-uh-es, ya’ll can’t let a little thing like one bad experience get ya down,” Applejack told us before reaching over to put a hoof on our shoulder. “Why…if Ah had a bit for every time a pony thought something bad about me, Ah’d be richer than Rarity.”

The unicorn cleared her throat. “Indeed. A few bad experiences shouldn’t deter you from trying darling,” she added before getting a little bit of a guilty look on her face. “And to be honest…I was a bit terrified of you at first.”

It was then that Twilight decided to join in. “I think everypony would be Princesses.” She walked up and smiled up at us. “You are pretty much the physical embodiment of all ponykind’s fears after all. Give everypony a chance to see that things have changed. I’m sure they’ll open up to the two of you if you give them another chance.”

The sheer level of sap that was being extruded by the three ponies held me in place and kept me from countering their arguments with the facts of life as I found my mouth moving without my consent. “Do you…truly think so?”

While both of the unicorns saw fit to simply nod their heads, the earth pony apparently felt the need to speak. “Believe it!”

I tensed, and then looked at the creature with the orange coat and blonde hair. “Applejack…never use those two words like that around me again.”

“Uh…alright,” she agreed, clearly confused. But…it was worth it to avoid any the tiniest relation to…that thing.

Silence descended on the library, only to be broken by Celestia a few seconds later. “By the way Twilight, when exactly is this new storm going to end?” she asked. “The copy of the schedule I looked at in Canterlot is apparently a little out of date.”

“That’s right,” Cadance spoke up with a little worry in her voice. “We were planning on leaving after the rain ended.”

Twilight’s eyes widened, and she looked back at her mentor. “Oh…um…about that Princess Celestia,” she replied nervously. “This rainstorm is supposed to last…all night. In fact, Rarity and Applejack were going to spend the night with me rather than walk home in the rain.”

I sighed in relief as everything became right with the world again. “Well, it looks like we’ll be cutting our visit a bit short then. Wouldn’t want to stand in the way of you girls having your bonding time, right? Nice talking to you girls, I’ll be sure to keep reminding Luna to keep hope alive and all that.”

And then, the most terrible of things happened.

Worse than anything to occur in the history of all things pony.

Celestia opened her mouth and said, “A slumber party? That seems like a wonderful idea! Might we join you for the night Twilight? It would be a good chance to catch up and…have a little fun. Now that you’re not living in the palace, I think I can afford to relax a bit more around you.”

It took about half a minute for Twilight to remember she needed to breathe. Even then, her brain didn’t seem to be firing on all cylinders. “What? It um…”

As for AJ and Rarity…

“Pardon?”

“Haba?”

…they fared about as well as could be expected.

Luna took the opening that my frozen terror provided. “What pray tell, is a slumber party?”

It was a question Cadance apparently had the answer to. “It’s all right here,” she told the Night Goddess as she plucked an open book up from the stand and giggled. “Twilight, you actually have a book on slumber parties? You’re just as adorable as I remember, aren’t you?”

The complement knocked Twilight out of her stupor. “Oh um, yes! It’s all right there. We just got done with the makeovers when you showed up Cadance!” she said before running over to her book and the shelter that instructions provided her. Apparently, she could deal with Celestia’s presence as long as instructions were involved.

She grabbed the book out of Cadance’s magical grasp, and brought it in front of her muzzle. “So let’s see, the next thing to do on the list is…oh, a ghost story!”

Celestia let out one of her refined giggles, and looked over to me. “Well then, it’s a good thing that we have an actual spiritual entity with us here tonight…isn’t it?”

I gave Celestia a half-lidded stare. “Seriously? Luna and I are trying to get over the fact that we might have traumatized a filly, and the very first thing you suggest is that I do my best to try and give them nightmares?”

Tia rolled her eyes. “Oh very well Nightmare,” she said before laying down on her stomach. “Gather around my little ponies. I’ve got a story for you all.”

I will say this, Celestia knew how to tell a tale. Even the fact that it was coming from the most benevolent creature Equestria had in its stable of cuteness didn’t seem to deter the terror it inflicted upon the other ponies. The whole thing ended with lighting bolt that happened right on cue, making Twilight seek shelter under Cadance’s wings while Rarity and Applejack engaged in actions that would have added so much fuel to their ship.

But the real success was that I think it let the ponies loosen up just the tiniest bit around Celestia, which she then followed with some rather impressive magic that cooked marshmallows perfectly without the need for a fire and placed the three parts of a s'more together perfectly while making it look like she was just throwing the things together willy-nilly.

Of course things weren’t one-hundred percent perfect in the way they should have been. Applejack actually managed to eat with some manners in front of the princesses, but it was better than what happened with at the tea party. Rarity was too busy gasping at my chewing habits with an unfamiliar mouth to comment on anything.

Or maybe the thing that helped ’humanize’ Tia was when Cadance had a stroke of brilliance and asked her auntie to see how many of the giant marshmallows she could fit into her mouth. I wasn’t exactly counting but…if I had to guess…it was a least half a Raritys worth.

Which brought us to the third activity of the night…

“Truth or Dare,” Twilight read carefully before a frown appeared on her face. “Huh. It gives the name of the game, but no instructions.”

Cadance rolled her eyes. “Oh it’s simple Twilight,” she said before finishing off a bottle of water. “We sit in a circle with an empty bottle placed on the ground, and one of us spins it. Whomever the bottle ends up pointing towards has to pick if she wants to answer any question posed to her by the bottle spinner truthfully, or perform a dare. And if you don’t there’s a penalty you have to pay.”

What with that being how Cadance put things, it was no surprise that Twilight followed up it with a question. “Uh…how much?”

The Alicorn of Love spread her wings and bent them towards Twilight in a threatening manner. “Oh, I’m thinking a good minute and thirty seconds of tickle torture will do.”

“Okay, okay everypony get into position and let’s do this thing,” I said before snatching the empty container away from Cadance and setting it down on the ground. Once everyone was ready, I placed my hoof on the thing, and gave it a good twirl.

Round and round it went, spinning in a complete circle one, two…five…eight times until it slowly came to a rest, stopping with the mouth of the bottle pointing directly at the white alicorn across from me. Which of course made both me and Luna…well…

“Hehe, haha, MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Luna laughed as lightning flashed and thunder boomed outside, and I threw our head back until she was done. “Oh what good fortune! Finally, Sister I shall learn the truth behind-”

“I choose dare,” Celestia said before Luna could finish.

While Luna drew out mouth into a pensive expression, I frowned at the alicorn a second before she spoke. “Give us a moment to converse.”

And…well…you know what happened then…

Unfortunately, the truth or dare game broke down after the first few rounds. Cadance and I ended up forming an alliance made by visual gestures when Celestia ending up being the recipient of the bottle again with a choice of truth. So, Cadance asked her what the most embarrassing moment in her long life was.

Which in turn led to Applejack getting Rarity to reveal her most embarrassing moment that involved coming back into town after having being dragged half a mile of dirt and mud by her horn, something Applejack didn’t think was all that bad. Then there was Applejack’s most embarrassing moment about attending some ‘ritzy’ party as a filly where she stuck out far too much, which Rarity rolled her eyes at the fact Applejack mentioned crowing roosters in a high-class conversation.

Then Tia decided to step in, and we ended up just listening to Celestia and Luna go on about their first few years as Equestrian princesses. There were a few thinly disguised smartass comments made by Rarity and Applejack that anyone who knew about the two of them could see as plain as day.

Which…nobody in the library really did, much to my unease.

“And then Luna actually shouted ‘Vile fiends, thou dost roast thine own unborn? Have at thee!’ before she attacked the chef with his own spatula,” Celestia said in an overly dramatic fashion as she finished the story of their first diplomatic mission to Griffonstone.

While everypony broke out into laughter at Luna’s expense, the black alicorn that was us let out a humph. “They said the griffons were cooking their eggs. How could I have known that they were simply speaking of the eggs they owned, and that griffons did not lay eggs?” she asked whined. “Tis a common misconception! Do they not look like eagles?”

As Twilight recovered from her laughter, she looked over to us. “Princess Luna, griffons are mammals,” she said before blushing. “Or at least their um…back ends are.”

And…maybe I wanted to join in or the ribbing too. Sure, I thought that griffon’s had laid eggs as well. But there was no better way to cover your own idiocy than mocking those that shared it. “Yeah Luna. Would of thought you would have noticed that.”

“Pardon me for my common decency! I am not as obsessed with rears as thou,” Luna countered.

Celestia giggled as everypony else looked at me with quizzically raised eyebrows. “What’s this about?”

I clamped my jaw shut and looked away from the group.

But Luna wasn’t having any of that, and hijacked our mouth. “Oh, nothing much. It is simply that my other tends to focus our vision upon a pony’s posterior more often than not. Yours more than most Sister.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Celestia’s grin turn devilish. “Really now?”

With only seconds away from my reputation being completely ruined by Luna’s evil lies, I reacted as quickly as I could. “T-That’s just for comparison purposes!”

Which, judging by Celestia’s barely controlled laughter, didn’t help my image much. “Comparison purposes hmm?” she said between giggles. “Tell me more.”

“Was that what you were doing in front of the mirror two weeks ago?” Cadance exclaimed as she broke into giggles as well.

Even if I couldn’t really blame her for laughing, I did give the currently littlest alicorn a good glower for both her bringing it up, and the invasion of privacy that was her walking in on Luna’s bedroom while I had been shaking my ass in front of our mirror to see if it had the same…jello-ness about it that Celestia’s did.

We were both the same height after all, although she looked slightly more like a horse that was built for power while the body Luna and I had was a tiny bit thinner in all the right places to make it more of a speedster style. Whether that was because Luna had endured a thousand years of dieting on the moon while Tia ate tons of cake to fight her depression, or something else, I didn’t know.

“Well then,” Celestia said as she stood up and shook around a little bit to get the kinks out of her system. Laying down as a horse didn’t help the circulation much. “Let’s find out.”

A very odd feeling of not-quite-dread-but-close-enough came over me. “Uh…what?” I asked, or maybe it was Luna. I’m pretty sure we both had our disbelief thoroughly tested by what she had just said. Because Celestia couldn’t be implying what it looked like she was. Even Trollestia wasn’t that bad.

“Which one of us has the bigger plot to trot around Canterlot,” Celestia went on as if she were talking about the most natural thing in the world. “Now get up and come over here, we should stand side by side for this.”

Luna got control of our mouth to do the protesting. “Sister, I have noticed thy humor has become quite aberrant since I returned, but this is a new low.”

The goddess rolled her eyes. “Luna, you can’t honestly tell me that you are not curious about your new measurements.”

“Ugh. So I have gained a foot and a few pounds. Tis not a concern,” the younger sister replied.

I looked over to my shoulder. “Oh come on Luna, please?” I asked before putting on a cute puppy dog pout face on pure instinct, and then realized that Luna couldn’t actually see any of it a second later.

Still did the trick though.

“Very well,” Luna agreed, if reluctantly. “If only to end this foalishness once and for all…and put any questions to rest of our innate superiority.”

As I got us up and carefully walked around the girls, Cadance studied our body with a scrutinizing eye. “What do you mean, gained a foot?” she asked as I got us next to Celestia.

I looked over to Cadance while Luna answered the question. “Dear niece, thou did not think that my sister’s gigantic size and long life were natural, did you?”

“You know, you’re just as tall as I am now,” Celestia deadpanned before her expression lightened up a bit and she looked at Cadance. “And yes, Luna used to be much closer to your height than mine. When she joined with the Nightmare…”

I groaned and turned around. “Yeah yeah I gave little Lulu a growth spurt and some cooler teeth and wicked eyes. Okay, enough of the downer stuff,” I said before smacking my rump against Tia’s. “So how we doing this?”

“Well, I suppose we’ll need a judge,” Celestia said “Somepony with a keen eye for detail, somepony who checks and double checks everything to-”

As the Sun Goddesses gaze fell upon Twilight, the unicorn’s eyes widened, and she quickly downed the last of the soda in her half-full bottle before doing her best to hold in a belch. “Oh look at that, I’m out! Let me just go get another, and go to the bathroom, and um…reorganize my towels while I’m here! It’ll take a few minutes, so…just go on without me!”

Twilight beat a hasty retreat, and Celestia let out a long sigh. What was weird was that I could tell it was of relief, not disappointment. “Finally. I thought she’d never leave,” she mumbled before looking back to the two wingless ponies in the room. “Now, Applejack, Rarity…”

While Applejack tensed up, Rarity managed to speak. “Um, Princess Celestia, while I would be more than happy to take your measurements if I had a proper tape-”

She silenced the four-legged marshmallow with a glare. “What the hay is going on between the two of you?”

Rarity shut her mouth, and Applejack opened her. “P-Pardon?”

“Do you honestly think I haven’t seen the way to two of you have been looking at each other all night, rolling your eyes at each others stories, and generically being antagonistic?” she clarified with a stern voice that reminded me of a mother addressing misbehaving children. “So what the hay is going on?”

The two of them glanced at each other for a second and then…

“Rarity just fiddled around when we were sposta be trimmin’ trees…”

“Applejack didn’t even clean her hooves off before she came inside…”

“…can’t stop fussin’ over every little thing…”

“…spit on her hoof and shoved it in my face…”

“…...prissy unicorn, that’s drivin’ me crazy with her unnecessary neatness…”

“……rude, inconsiderate pony that can’t seem to think about anypony besides herself…”

“………and the way everythin’ has just got to be just impossibly fru-fruey!”

“………how she just seems to go out of her way to annoy me!”

A few seconds after they both finished, one right on top of the other, Cadance looked over and up at the two of us. “Um…did anypony catch any of that?”

I sighed and pointed a hoof at the unicorn. “Rarity’s mad at Applejack because AJ doesn’t care about getting herself or her surroundings dirty,” I told her before turning my hoof towards Applejack. “And Applejack is mad at Rarity because her attention to detail usually means she loses sight of the big picture.”

Cadance blinked. “Oh…that…”

On a roll, I found myself unable to stop. “Although it also goes a bit deeper than that. I mean, judging by what Celestia’s investigations found on all of you and that little story Applejack told everypony about her most embarrassing moment…I’m guessing she’s had some deep-rooted resentment towards the upper class that Rarity tries to emulate since she was a filly.” Not to mention she had chosen farm life over all the glitz and glamour that Rarity was working towards, backing up her own ideas of the superiority of her lifestyle with personal experiences.

“Well…Ah wouldn’t quite put it like that,” she mumbled before looking away from the unicorn.

Ignoring the comment, I went on. “Then Rarity’s probably got the same thing going on with her aversion to dirt in some way, especially considering how she got dragged through the countryside. And that’s not even getting into the fact that her white coat must allow even the tiniest bit of soot to stick out. Having something like that for your entire life in a lifestyle that’s big on outward appearances would make anypony a neat freak.”

All of a sudden, every eye in the room was on me. Even Celestia looked surprised, and if Luna had been able to, I was pretty sure she would have been staring at me too.

“Princess…” Rarity said as she looked over to the goddess. “You have, um…files, on us?”

Celestia cleared her throat. “Well…yes,” she admitted with barely any shame. “Please understand, I may know Twilight Sparkle as well as anypony…but the rest of you are near complete unknowns. Yet you wield the Elements of Harmony. Still…the reports aren’t that detailed.”

I shrugged and came up with the excuse I had thought up weeks ago if someone started asking. “Hey I may not have any of my memories, but I still have all my old intelligence, and you ponies are easy to figure out. I mean hay…look at what I did with Luna…um…a thousand years ago.” Kind of hard to bring it up, but it needed to be said if I wanted to cover my ass.

Luna snagged out mouth muscles in her intangible grip. “Nightmare, you aren’t the same creature as before.”

“Indeed,” Celestia agreed before she looked over to the little ponies in the room. “And as for the two of you…” Both of them froze and shrunk in on themselves. “Since the moment the three of us arrived, just how much have your differences stopped you from getting along?”

The two ponies looked at each other hesitantly.

“Um…” Rarity said.

“Well…” Applejack added.

“And how much of your animosity is just the two of you not willing to let some silly little things go and respect the other’s differences?” Celestia continued. “Things that, let’s be honest…aren’t really all that big a problem in the big scheme of things, are they?”

I raised an eyebrow. “I dunno, the deep-rooted dislike at the core of the problem seems pretty important,” I said before Cadance gave me a little glare, which had me making some course corrections to my speech. “But uh you know…that’s just all misplaced aggression. I mean…just how many times has Rarity gone against your lifestyle Applejack, or vice versa with you Rarity?”

Once again the two of them shared a look, let out a sigh at the same time, and gave each other a little smile.

“Ah guess not cleaning off mah hooves before commin’ in was a bit rude,” Applejack admitted. “Shoot, if Granny had seen me tryin’ that in the house when I was a filly, she would’ve turned my bottom redder than Big Mac’s coat.”

Rarity cleared her throat and looked away. “Yes well…you were trying to get out of the rain, and would have had plenty of time to do that if I had just pulled down tree branches like I was supposed to.”

As the power of their little ‘dawww’ moment enthralled me, I fell back on my plot and gave a few claps that were actually accompanied by Cadance and Celestia before I pointed my hoof at the pair of ponies. “Now kiss!”

Then, when everypony looked at me, I cleared my throat and looked away. “And uh, makeup, I mean…you know…because that’s how the saying goes.”

In the ensuing silence, Twilight finally poked her head out from the door leading to the kitchen. “So um…did I miss the uh…contest?”

Celestia giggled and turned her head towards Twilight. “Oh we decided to postpone it till morning, when we can go to Rarity’s shop for a proper measurement. So, what’s next on the agenda?”

Using my rather bad control of magic, I snatched the book from the stand Twilight held it on, and brought it up in front of me. After running my eyes over the page, and then turning the page a few times so that Luna could read the rules for our next step upon a silent request from her…

“Ah! The tome of slumber festivities doth suggest a grand melee tourney in which we all are armed with the sleeping cushions for our heads!” Luna exclaimed before I got control of our jaw again and she took over working the horn.

“Sister, do you mean a pillow-oomph!” Celestia managed to say before one of the glorified bags of feathers rammed into her head with enough speed to knock the alicorn on her side.

Luna let go of our horn long enough to let out a laugh. “INDEED! And I do believe the term is, caught you napping!” she said before using our horn to grab two more pillows.

Unfortunately, that also gave everypony else time to react, with Cadance proving that Equestrian princesses weren’t just there to look pretty. “Twilight quickly! Prepare book fortifications for a prolonged siege! Applejack, Rarity! Hold off Nightmare Luna until we can ready a counter attack!”

The commands from the Alicorn of Love knocked the little ponies out of their the stupor of seeing their goddess being felled by a fluffy bag of feathers, and they moved into action, with Twilight grabbing as many books off the shelves as she could to construct them into a hasty wall, while both Applejack and Rarity moved in to attack together.

The battle had lasted a good thirty minutes, with Celestia getting back into things once thirty seconds had passed of her simulated death. After the pillow fight, Twilight was left to stare at Celestia with wide eyes and become very nervous over the fact that Tia reminded her we were going to spend the night, as the storm was still going on. We giggled over a short panic by Twilight as the unicorn went on and on about how she only had one spare bed for five guests, three of which were royalty before Tia pointed out she could simply conjure some clouds for Cadance, herself, and Luna/me to sleep on.

After that, we bid the girls goodnight and headed downstairs to where more than a dozen boxes waited to be unpacked on the far side of the room, but there was still more than enough space for the three of us.

Tia’s horn lit up a few seconds later, and I was once again introduced to the wacky weather of Equestria as three clouds were just brought into being, inside Twilight’s basement. Despite the near perfect darkness, my Nightmare Moon/Lunar Princess powers allowed me to see just fine in the lack of light and…I found the presence of three tightly packed balls of fog mildly disturbing.

“Whelp, time to hit the fluff,” the pink alicorn said before she leaped up into the air with a single flap of her wings and came crashing down onto the cloud with a light poomph. And I’m not joking, it actually did make a sound.

Which brought my levels of disturbed from mild to extreme.

Yeah, okay sure, I had seen pegasi move cloud stuff around from far away, and knew from the show that they could walk on them and everything. But there was a BIG difference between watching cartoon ponies sit around on cartoon clouds, and Cadance just snuggling into a real one.

I mean, it was a real, solid pony, laying on a real, not-solid cloud. I could almost see through the damn thing for crying out loud!

At the edges anyway. The rest of it looked pretty thick.

After a few seconds, I actually reached out and poked the one meant for me and Luna with our hoof, and I do mean poked. The cloud reacted like a solid mass of…something as it floated a little bit away from me and Luna.

“Nightmare? Is something wrong?” Celestia asked.

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” I went. Caught on the spot and all, I couldn’t really think up a lie to save my ass. So I had to go with the truth. “Well, I’m not really sleepy, you know.”

Celestia stared at me with wide eyes for a moment, blinked once, and then raised a hoof to tap the side of her head. “Oh right. Sorry, I forgot you and Luna stay up all night,” she apologized before giving me an apologetic smile. “Would you like me to keep you company so you’re not up alone ?”

“Sister,” Luna spoke up. “There are two of us here, you know. We’re never alone.”

Another light laugh came from Celestia’s mouth. “True but-” Whatever Celestia was going to say was cut off by the sound of a loud crash from upstairs that shook the whole tree down to its roots. Which, we were kind of near. “What the hay was that?”

I looked up at the ceiling with a frown. “Well, judging by the preceding sound of thunder, it was either a tree falling, or a…uh…” I let out a sigh. “Look, I’ve done enough snarly remarks to last a week. Whatever’s going on, I’m sure Twilight can take care of it, right?”

“Agreed,” Celestia said after a moment of thought. “And...there’s something I’d like to speak with the two of you about.”

Luna took over talking. “That being?”

The sun goddess sighed. “After tonight, it’s...become apparent to me that I haven’t been spending enough time with you.”

“Sister, we tin together twice a day, tis plenty,” Luna assured her.

To which Celestia shook her head. “It’s barely more than what we had before, and I’m not going to let barely better be our relationship. So once a week, I intend to make the whole day for us, like what today was. Does that...agree with you, Luna?”

We smiled. “Yes, it sounds most agreeable.”

The three of us spend the rest of the night making plans.

The morning after the thunderstorm, the six of us that had slept at the library the night before, with me getting a nice three hour nap, came outside to greet the dawn, despite the fact the sun was in the noon position. The ponies of Ponyville were out in force with rakes, leaf bags, and various other lawn care tools to help with the cleanup. It was actually rather amazing to see the entire town chipping in to help take care of the mess rather than just wait around for someone else to do it for them.

Well, at least until they saw Celestia, Cadance and Luna/me. Then they went all wide-eyed before putting their faces in the grass. Celestia did her best to ignore it, although Luna kept nagging me to assume the proper ‘royal walk’ I ignored her with a reminder about what usually happened whenever she tried to do the walking and how falling flat on our faces would be even worse than going around with our nose in the air. As for Cadance, she was…

“Anypony have a spare bag I can use?” she asked while her magic continued to collect the numerous branches and other things that had fallen down.

I gave her a jealous look. Not that I wanted to do yard work or anything, even magical yard work. But her ability to just pick up a few little things already had the ponies from all over town coming around with friendly smiles on their faces.

As for me, I just watched ponies give me nervous looks as I waited for Celestia to come out of Sugar Cube Corner. At the very least, being a demigoddess of darkness meant I wasn’t going to be bothered by any ponies.

“P-Princess!”

Unless of course fear actually caused one of the ponies to come forward like a sacrificial lamb.

Mayor Mare was about of an average height for a pony, with the same coloration she had in the show. Although I hadn’t seen many older ponies since coming to Canterlot aside from the really old former members of the palace staff that Celestia gave room and board to in the servants quarters as part of their retirement packages, I was pretty sure the mayor was a bit too young to be seriously considered for a position that had her running a town as tough as Ponyville. It was no wonder she died her hair gray.

And since she wanted to talk to the princess, Luna got the job. “Ah, you are the official overseer of this hamlet, are you not?” she asked in a normal voice. A few weeks of threatening to run around Canterlot while shouting embarrassing things had gotten her to drop the RCV except for special occasions.

As soon as ‘Nightmare Moon’s’ gaze fell upon the mayor, she froze up and quickly bowed her head. “I-I’m so sorry Princess! I didn’t receive any word that you and the others were coming! There must have been some kind of communication problem. If we had known-”

“Okay Luna, be nice now, calm and soft-spoken,” I reminded her, muttering barely loud enough for my own ears to hear.

Luna raised a hoof to stop the mare from babbling, and then took our mouth to talk again. “No apologies necessary little pony. Our visit to thy hamlet was a personal matter. It was scheduled with the rain to avoid causing too much of a commotion. The only annoyance was the ferocity of the storm. A minor thing.”

All and all, I think it was a good interaction with the lowly elected official. And before anything could go wrong, Celestia came out of the store with a bag of baked goods.

“Ah mayor,” she said when the elected official looked up at Celestia. “”I’ll be free to speak with you in a moment, but there is a pressing matter that my sister and I must deal with first.”

The mere mortal mayor bowed and backed away as Celestia trotted down the stairs. “Come along Luna. We need to hurry and get this done quickly. I received a letter from Spike while inside, and it seems Blueblood is raising a fuss in Canterlot that I need to deal with.”

While I took care of the walking to catch up with Celestia, Luna handled the talking. “What pressing matter is this, Sister?”

Instead of just out and telling me, Celestia remained silent until we turned a corner, and she pointed ahead. The object that was indicated by her action was a small, single story dormitory with somewhat worn walls and a thatch roof in need of slight repairs. It was a place I had seen before on my way into Ponyville...and in Luna’s nightmares the night before.

Luna gasped. “The home of the foal! Sister, I would suggest our course need to be altered in order to-” Celestia ignored us and actually stopped in front of the house's front door, then tapped her hoof against it.

“Has madness taken hold of thy mind?” Luna demanded.

Celestia sighed and looked over to us with half-lidded eyes. “It’s a foal, Luna. Now hold these,” she deadpanned before I was forced to grab the bag Celestia had in her magic.

“And we did frighten her with our visage!” Luna countered. “Best to be gone and allow the little unicorn-”

The opening of the door quickly shut Luna’s mouth, and the had me freezing in wide-eyed awe of the mare that came to answer it.

To most, she would seem an unremarkable pony. Her legs and body didn’t possess any special characteristics beyond some lingering fat that most mothers would have. Nor were her wings as fluffy as Fluttershy’s, or as sleek as Rainbow’s. And while her sandy blonde mane was combed and well within regulations for any job, it had neither the style of Rarity’s or Rainbow’s awesome coloration. As for her coat, it was just a drab gray.

But what did set this particular pony apart from the others were her golden bright eyes, one of which was wandering off to the side, and the mailmare uniform that was only halfway put on that had a name tag that said FUCK YOU SOCCER MOMS, with the letters D-E-R-P-Y on it.

And then, the most beloved little pony in all of Equestria looked up at the three of us with wide-eyes. “Uh...Princesses?”

Somehow, Celestia managed to avoid fan-squealing over the presence of Derpy, and simply smiled down at her gently. “Please, pardon us for the intrusion my little pony. But last night, a rather unfortunate set of circumstances caused my sister to accidentally frighten your filly, and she would not let us leave until she had set things right.”

Derpy’s eyes widened. “Oh...so that’s what that was about. I thought she was just frightened of the thunder,” she mumbled at the end before looking back into the house. “Um, Dinky! S-Somepony’s here to see you.”

A few seconds later, the adorable little filly came running up to the door. “Who is it Momma-eek! Nightmare Moon!” she shouted before cowering behind her mother for protection.

And...I may have fallen back a little bit...behind Celestia.

“Dinky!” Derpy scolded her daughter.

Celestia just laughed at the sight and walked forward, denying me and Luna of our cover. “It’s quite alright Ms...Derpy,” the goddess said with a look to the pony’s badge before she lowered herself onto the grass and looked past the gray mare to her daughter. “Now now little one. I know my sister can look a little frightening, but if you give her a chance, I think you’ll find that she is a very nice pony. She didn’t mean to frighten you the other night, and even brought you a treat.”

I took that as my cue to open the bag and reveal what was inside.

“Muffin!” the little filly squealed before she ran forward, after getting a nod from her mother that it was okay.

Luna let out a tiny laugh as I laid us down on the damp grass to watch Dinky eat her treat from close up as she took the muffin that was nearly as big as her head in her front hooves and plopped down to eat it. She looked up at me and Luna after taking the first bite, and gave us a smile that was framed by crumbs caught in her coat.

The cuteness attack froze me quite solid.

Luna managed a smile, mouth closed this time.

“T-Thank you Princess,” Derpy said. “With everything that’s going on this morning, I haven’t been able to fix breakfast, and I just heard the school's been closed for the day because of water damage, and now I’ve got to go to work, and there’s nopony to watch Dinky-”

“Oh,” Celestia spoke up, making Derpy stop talking with a single syllable. “If there are foals that need to be watched over, I think I know a pair of ponies that can help with that,” she said before looking over me and all around us. “In fact, I’m sure Princess Cadance and my sister would be more than happy to look after all of you.”

The conversation took me away from my internal daaaawing, and looked up at Celestia with wide eyes. “Say what?”

“Ohh, ohh! Princess Luna, may I have a muffin as well?” an English accented voice asked from behind me.

“Her name’s Princess Nightmare Moon!” a female voice added. “And can I have a muffin too?”

“Nuh-uh!” a third voice added. “My daddy reads the papers, and he said it’s Princess Luna Moon! And I want one too.”

I blinked, and stood up to turn around and see just what the hell was going on. A large crowd of foals, and several of their parents had gathered around me and Celestia, their approach hidden by the soft grass. Apparently, it was impossible for a pair of goddesses to even walk down the street without attracting a crowd these days.

“Well, I guess you know what this means,” I mumbled to my backseat driver.

“Indeed,” Luna replied before taking a deep breath.

“MUFFINS FOR ALL!”

And so, Luna had us stick around until noon, by which time the schoolhouse had been repaired and the children had to return to school, much to their disappointment. Afterwards, Cadance decided to stay the rest of the day and get to know the rest of Twilight’s friends while Luna and I headed home to get some sleep.

All in all, it was a pretty good ending, considering how I had nearly doomed all of Equestria by showing up on the same day as a friendship problem. Because of that, I would need to cut down my visitations to Ponyville, even if Luna wanted to go back as soon as possible.

However, Celestia and I managed to talk her down to one, or maybe two days a week if there was some kind of festival going on.

Sure, there was still a chance I might run into one or two little things that might have happened but…

Well, what were the chances of something important happening every time me and Luna paid Ponyville a visit?

Author's Note

Spoiler: The answer to the question above is 100%

Next time on ~~Night~~ Batmare and Luna...

The Mane six are put under an evil curse from an enchantress! Can our two-for-one heroes foil the foul plot from within the Everfree? Or will uh...something else happen?

Tune in 'next week' same bat time time, same bat channel...

Oh and, Nightmare learns that avoiding the butterfly effect is harder than it looks, because she's already messed up royal on her first visit.

I Don't Find Jokes Funny

Dreams.

To be honest, I didn’t know all that much about dreams from the pre-pony knowledge. I’m not talking about the neuroscience definition, with the rapid eye movement and synapses firing explanation. I’m talking more along the metaphysical, nonscientific, and feely kind of definition.

Because that was probably the kind of definition that would have helped me with what I was experiencing.

I blinked at the long corridor of starlight and doors that seemed to continue on forever. Each door led to a dream, and each dream was…well…some touchy feely, non-scientific thing that defied explanation.

Although the what was even weirder was the fact that I was in a place that was connected to every unconscious mind in Equestria was the fact that Luna and I were still sharing an existence. We were walking around as Nightmare Moon, even though we weren’t even in our bodies and moving through the realm of dreams. It was even like this in our own dreams, which were pretty much the ultimate lucid dream what with us being the Mistress of Dreams.

It kind of hurt to think about.

So I focused on other things.

Or at least, the one thing around there was to focus on: doors.

Lots and lots of doors.

“So…each one of these doors leads to a dream?”

“Yes. The ones with the windows belong to ponies who have open, peaceful minds. Ones with darker colors are having troubled dreams,” Luna explained to me as we looked around at each of the doors that stretched on forever.

However, there was one type of door that didn’t match with her ‘dark doors equal bad’ explanation. I reached out with my hooves over beside me to a door of bright reddish-pink. “What about these?” I asked while opening the door with a hoof.

“NO! DO NOT TOUCH-”

Inside, my eyes did glimpse true horror as my ears were assaulted by the most terrible of sounds.

“Oh Yeah! Come on, POUND THAT CAKE!”

A second later, my Luna moved our foreleg to slam the door shut. And I proceeded to fall onto our side, and bring in our hind legs close.

“Doors of bright red are of the amorous types and…I prefer not to interfere with them for…obvious reasons.”

From my position on the floor, I could only agree as I finished curling up into a little ball and gently rocked back and forth for comfort. Sure it was a dream, and they weren’t really doing THAT on the counter of Sugar Cube Corner, but… “I’m never going to be able to eat sweets in Ponyville again!”

“Oh very well, let us leave this realm, and I shall use the rest of the night to teach you a memory erasure spell.”

Luna woke us up much earlier than usual on the day we were scheduled to go to Ponyville. And I’m talking like, several hours. I think we managed to get a whole three hours of sleep before Nightwing knocked on our door and triggered our morning routine.

As we went through all the usual motions, plus a few more since we were going to be visiting friends today, I couldn’t help but look back on the previous few days with a bit of disappointment. Apart from nearly a whole week of failing to separate from Luna again, the slow magic lessons were accompanied by new ‘training’ that the owner of our body came up with.

Since Luna couldn’t just direct us in public without looking completely crazy, she had devised a system to signal me on our movements using a complex system of motions involving our tongue. I wasn’t all that thrilled about the new kind of backseat driving that didn’t even require her to speak, but…it was Luna’s car I was using. So she made the rules. Thankfully, she trusted me enough not to constantly try and talk me into going where we needed to.

We also tried a few speech lessons for Luna to help her use the modern vernacular.

They didn’t take very well.

It was when we had been in Luna’s personal bath that was big enough to swim in for a good ten minutes (since Luna detested those ‘newfangled’ inventions called showers) that she finally got conversational. “Pray tell, why was it that you insisted until today that we waited to visit Ponyville?” she asked.

It was a fair question. Especially since I let Luna call the shots when it came to deciding what we were going to do most of the time. The only reason I was even learning magic was because Luna refused to be connected with a creature that couldn’t. The fact that it was cool was just a bonus. And I was also kind of hoping the metaphysical side of the lessons would help with getting me out of Luna’s body.

“Oh…well…I just wanted to try and work on separating us and learn how to do more things with our horn since we’re still having trouble with…that,” I finished rather lamely. The truth was something far different and had nothing to do with either our separation attempts or magic, or lack of flight lessons.

No, the fact that we were going to Ponyville today was simply because Twilight had mailed a friendship report to Princess Celestia the two days before. I hadn’t read over it, although the first line had begun with something about a friend in need being a friend in deed. That was all Tia managed to get through before I left the dining table in excitement to set everything up.

After all, Twilight solved a friendship problem once every week. If her problem for this week was done already, that meant I was in the clear and had a good four days to play around in Ponyville!

Luna groaned at the mention of our last separation attempt. “Do not remind me of what transpired. I would use an amnesia spell upon myself, but I doubt Celly would ever let me forget it.”

I tried to look on the positive side of things. “Well um…if you ask me, we were closer to success this time.”

“The expulsion of foul odors from our rectum while attempting to separate does not count as moving closer to success,” Luna deadpanned. “Now flip us back upon our belly so that I may begin our mane treatment.”

After I did as commanded, crawling onto a raised area of the bathing pool to lay down in a spot that only put us halfway in the water, Luna lit up our horn and began adding shampoo to our mane and tail. As she did, I noticed something wrong with the princess taking care of herself like she was. “Hey Luna, aren’t we supposed to have some ponies that do this sort of thing?”

Not that I was against combing my own hair in the mornings. But…look, hooves needed cleaning at the end of the day. Even ones covered by horseshoe slippers like the princesses wore got dirty. And I didn’t even like to think about the pony version of trimming fingernails we had to go through every few days with a heavy duty file before we applied the hoof-care treatment that kept them all shiny.

Although she couldn’t talk and use magic at the same time, I could almost hear the groan that preceded her mental voice before she answered. “Have you so suddenly forgotten how the servants act around us?” she asked. “The peasants of Ponyville might have seen past the legend of Nightmare Moon after we played with their foals in that little hamlet, but the ponies of Canterlot still cower in our presence.”

That severely decreased my general level of contentment. “Sorry.”

“Oh stop going on about that! I have already absolved thee of any guilt,” Luna told me for the one-hundred and twelfth time. “Thou art not the same creature that I did invite into my mind a millennia past… The only one of us that may still carry shame of that time is me.”

Like usual, I groaned at Luna’s insistence that she was still to blame for things, while ‘the Nightmare’ got off scot-free. While I sure as hell didn’t want to carry around the actions of the old Nightmare Moon, the fact that Luna was willing to forgive ‘me’ without doing the same to herself was just so many levels of wrong.

On top of which, whenever we talked about this crap, Luna usually went into a melancholy state for hours that I had to break her out of with something to distract her from her thoughts long enough to snap the alicorn out of her funk.

But…I was kind of running out of ideas when it came to just how I was going to do that. After all, I had already pointed Luna towards several of Equestria’s modern devices that I knew she would enjoy, from record players to video game machines.

However, that kind of stuff was only temporary fix. While it would usually work, that was only until she started to notice the looks everypony was giving her. Then the decline in mood started again, and we were usually back where we started in two or three days.

What I needed to do was find a real solution to her pony relations problem. Some way to show once and for all that there was nothing to worry about when it came to Luna and Nightmare Moon. If I could do that, Luna might actually be able to keep a good mood long enough to start working through some of her guilt. I needed…something…like…

Well, if I knew the answer to that question, I would have gone after it already.

I sunk back into the water and waited for Luna to get done with our grooming while I just sat in the tub with my thoughts. As much as I hated to admit it…I needed help with this.

After the bathing was finished, I moved to put on our new regala.

To help with the new image, the light-blue leftovers of clothes that had been Nightmare Moon’s had been replaced by silver ones. Our chestpiece was the dark blue color Luna should have been, with her cutie mark symbol on the chest. As for our new crown, it had taken weeks to decide on and craft. Celestia had a little one all ready to go when Luna came home, based off Luna’s original size by the looks of it. But on the head of Nightmare Moon, it just looked...dinky.

So we had commissioned a new one made from obsidian, equal in size to Celestia, colored to match the rest of our regalia, with a trio of diamonds in the center to give it a little sparkle and panache. If Celestia was going to have jewels in her crown, the so were we damnit!

She had said rule together, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to reduce Luna to being a second-string princess that didn’t even get as much screentime as Cadance!

Once we had finished making ourselves look presentable, going the whole ten yards with makeup, eyeshadow, the toothpaste that gives teeth that extra shine, I headed out the door and towards the solar court. While Celestia might not like being interrupted, I really needed to talk to her on this whole public relations problem that Luna was having. Sure there had been a few attempts to get her out there when she first showed up, but...they had kind of died off after the first three attempts ended with ponies rushing out of the room with their tails between their legs.

I needed to see if Celestia had any other plans other than just waiting for other ponies to warm up to us. Because as most of them were still shivering in our presence, it looked to be an impossibly long thaw.

A long walk down the stairs and through the hallways brought us where I wanted.

“Next!” the guard shouted from someplace out of sight, but nearby.

The room where Celestia held court was...impressive. The whole place was obviously meant to convey power, but also openness. All along the side walls, I spotted stained glass windows showing important events in Equestrian history. There were events like the founding of Equestria, the coronation of the sisters, Cadance’s ascendency, and...rather than a picture of Nightmare Moon being spanked by the Elements, there was a colorful window that showed the mare that was me and Luna descending from the moon on a rainbow bridge made from the light that came from six different ponies.

I trotted us into the throne room, walking past the long line of commoners and minor nobles that didn’t think they were important enough to interrupt Celestia whenever she was doing real work later on in the day. As usual, the little ponies took one look at the big bad Nightmare Moon, and looked around nervously. Some even left altogether as fast as their hooves would carry them.

We did have to walk around the pony at the front of the line. I did offer her a bit of an apology though. “Pardon us old mare.”

Meanwhile, Celestia’s expression went from a frozen look of serenity to one of concern the minute we walked in. I didn’t really blame her. We never visited the goddess during her court. “Luna, is something wrong?”

Luna let out a grunt. “Ask Nightmare, Sister, tis she who insisted on bursting in.”

When Celestia cockd her head ever so slightly, I thought best how to approach this. Which really needed to start with me getting to talk to Celestia in private. As private as we could be, anyway.

“Excuse me!” the crotchety voice of the old mare called out rather deeply. When we looked back down and blinked at her, she continued “I am a stallion!”

I gave him a nervous laugh or two. “Oh! Um…sorry about that.” Although considering how I usually told mares and stallions apart, he should have been happy I didn’t try to peek under his tail.

“And I’m not old, I’m thirty seven!”

Since I didn’t really know how old Equestrian ponies lived, as a normal horse would have been dead five times over by then, I slunk down just a little bit. “And that that.” There was the defense of not being able to see his face, but…I didn’t feel like arguing and thought it best to just let him get things over with.

“And just what gives you the right to just up and cut in line like that, huh?” he demanded.

That…actually got Luna’s dander up. Sure, he was speaking to me, but most ponies didn’t seem to get that there were two of us in on body unless we laid that fact out for them. Luna took and extra second to make us frown down at him before she spoke. “I am thy Princess, peasant.”

The earth pony snorted in indignation. “I have a name, you know.”

“Well, as I know not thine name, I shall simply refer to thee as peasant till thou doth find the manners to introduce thyself,” Luna told him. Anger usually made her go full-Shakespearean.

Celestia looked over to us. “Um, Luna…perhaps you should-”

“Well heeeeere we go again, the big horses pushing around the little ponies,” the earth pony went on. “And I’ll have you know, my name is Monty, Monty Python!” At which point I looked at the pony’s cutie mark to see…a golden chalice that clashed horribly with his tattered clothing.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I mumbled just loud enough for Celestia to hear. “Sorry girls but…you’re on your own here.” After six weeks in Equestria, I knew a trap when I saw one.

It was pretty...creepy really. I mean, seeing references in the show was fun and all, but seeing them walk down the street was just...weird. So like any responsible adult, I did my best to ignore them.

Luna went back to frowning at the pony. “Yes well, I do apologize for not noticing thy manhood from the rear. Thy objections in that regard are well-founded.”

“What I object to is you automatically treating me like an inferior!” the earth pony went on. “Just what makes you so much better than me that you just get to trot in here whenever you feel like it while somepony like me has to wait for hours just to voice my concerns to the uncaring government in a waste of time that probably should have been spent working?”

Once the peasant was finally done, Luna blinked. “Didst thou not hear the part where I proclaimed myself thy princess?”

“My little pony, that’s not-”

“Oh yeah? And just what made you a princess then?” he demanded before Celestia could finish, making the other goddess rear her head back in surprise. “What makes you qualified for this job?”

It was probably confusion that stopped the alicorn not only from smiting the idiot right then and there, but made Luna actually answer the question truthfully. “Dost thou not see the horn and wings? Not to mention the fact that I control the lunar cycles and my centuries of experience in government. Oh, and my eternal life, which gives me a greater concern for the future than any mortal pony could possibly have since I will be having to live with the consequences of mine actions.

“HA!” the earth pony went on, pointing an accusing hoof at Luna. “You just go around exploiting the abilities of the farming tribe to grow crops and do all the real work, holding your celestial bodies hostage so that the government can hold onto its outdated governmental dogma of horned pony superiority!”

Celestia cleared her throat. “Well actually, I’d say the sun is more controlling of plant growth when it comes to-”

“Celly please! I am dealing with this infuriating peasant!” Luna interrupted before she turned us back to the pony peasant. “So our dogma is outdated is it? Then what brilliant suggestion would you, as an all-knowing farmer who has not the intelligence to procure fine clothing for his audience with thine rulers suggest?”

Monty sniffed and held his head up high. “Well it’s obvious. We need to convert to a commune system in which the kingdom is divided into several districts, and different ponies are given turns as the executive officer. And in order to facilitate fairness, all the decisions of the executive officer have to be ratified in special bi-weekly meetings of everypony within the commune itself.”

“Well, that sounds rather stupid once you take into the lack of common sense in the average pony, as well as their inability to plan for more than a few years in advance,” Luna told him. “Not to mention it is a proven fact that if ten ponies of opposing political and socioeconomic views are put within the same room, they would be completely unable to decide on pizza toppings, much less how the government is to be run.”

However, the stallion in rags kept going. “Internal matters could be settled with a simple majority-”

“Do shut thy mouth now-”

“-while external matters would require a two-thirds majority-”

"THY PRINCESS DEMANDS SILENCE!"

The force of Luna’s voice blew the pony back a bit, but it didn’t deter him for long. “Ugh, more forceful oppression by those in power! First they wrongfully obtained it and now they force us to accept their outdated views!”

Celestia cleared her throat. “Actually Monty Python, our positions as princesses were given to us by Starswirl the Bearded, under the order of the first rulers of Equestria. Two of whom were elected, two of whom were given their positions by merit, and one of which was trained since birth to fulfill her role as princess,” she explained in an actually sweet voice. “That is why we are your rulers. So you see, we were indeed chosen by elected representatives.”

For a moment, it seemed as if Celestia’s surprise declaration had salvaged everything. Monty stared at her for a moment, and then…his face turned sour once again. “Well I sure as hay didn’t vote for either of them!” the earth pony shot back. “And another thing, why was it Starswirl the Bearded? Old unicorns with bells on their hats just handing out fancy crowns is no basis for a system of government!”

The declaration got a sigh out of Celestia. “Oh…I see now, you’re one of those ponies.”

“Supreme executive power derives from the mandate of the masses! You can’t except to wield supreme executive power just because some old coot handed you a crown thousands of years ago! What about term limits? Impeachment? I CALL FOR A REFORMATION OF THE EQUESTRIAN GOVERNMENT!”

Luna growled as the stallion stood on his hind legs to wave his hooves around while he shouted. “Oh, shut up already!” she cried out before our horn began to glow.

“I mean, if I just went around calling myself a princess just because a bunch of dead ponies told some old geezer to conk me in the head with some fancy metal, everypony would think I was off my rocker and put me away!”

“A novel idea,” Celestia spoke up. “Sister dear, would you remove this pony from the throne room so that my more sensible subjects might be able to have some of their problems solved?”

Thanks to Luna controlling our horn, I took the liberty to respond. “With pleasure Tia.”

A second later, the stallion was lifted into the air. “Ah ha! Now you all see the problems inherent in the system! Look, look everypony! I’m being repressed!” he shouted as Luna floated him out of the room.

Unfortunately, by the time I had gotten the rabble rouser out of the throne room, put him in the palace dungeons for disrupting the running of government, and filled out the paperwork for his forty-eight hour sentence, it was time to go. So I never did get to talk to Celestia about Luna’s need for some pro-Luna PR events before I headed for Ponyville.

Like last time, I left Nightwing in Canterlot. Cadance also decided to stay home. Considering I had given her less than a twenty-four hour warning about my plans, I couldn’t really be mad at her. Still, it would have been nice not to be the only horny pony in town with wings.

Unlike last time, Ponyville looked…normal.

Happy.

A nice place to visit.

We got a few looks from ponies, but they were more out of wide-eyed surprise than terror. Ponies still bowed when I walked close enough to them though. It was…well… I would have preferred they just saved it for special occasions and maybe when I walked in a building. Bowing to the two of us on the street just seemed like too much trouble for the ponies.

The course I set didn’t take us straight to the tree house though. The messed up morning schedule that Luna had set for us meant we hadn’t eaten yet, and so she directed us to Sugar Cube Corner for some sustenance. Plus, Pinkie Pie would be there, if there was anypony who knew where the girls were, it was Pinkie Pie.

After we came into the building and looked around, put up with the bowing of the few ponies that were there eating, and looked around the sweet shop that was mostly empty due to the post-breakfast pre-lunchtime period. I also noticed a problem with Luna’s plan to have a snack and talk to Pinkie at the same time. That being the fact that Pinkie Pie wasn’t working the register.

Instead, we got the beyond pudgy Mrs. Cake. And she was…large. Unusually large. Certainly pudgy, but…she was showing way more than any pony I had seen before. And…it was kind of off-putting. I mean, Pinkie might have had a few extra pounds, but this old mare had really let herself go.

“Oh! Princess Luna!” the mare cried out in what I would only call a fearful surprise. “What an honor. We um…weren’t expecting you to return to Ponyville so soon.”

Luna let out a light chuckle, as we walked over to the counter. “Calm thyself my little pony, we are not here in an official capacity,” she told the big little horse with a smile. “Although, if thou would indulge my curiosity…when is thy child due?”

I…blinked, and felt like slapping myself. I had completely forgotten about the kids she was supposed to have! And that meant pregnancy, with twins. Which of course bloated the pony up like there was no tomorrow.

Cup Cake let out a tiny sigh. “Not for some time I’m afraid. Um, is there anything I can get you?”

“Dost thou have anything fresh?” Luna asked a little too cautiously for my liking. Sure, it was just Mrs. Cake, but that was no reason not to be as nice as possible to a Ponyville pony.

“Well…no,” she said hesitantly. “But I’m sure it wouldn’t take very long to make you something! Just name it! Anything you want Princess!”

I held up a hoof and fought with Luna for a few seconds so she could let me talk. “Mrs. Cake, you can calm down. We’re not going to send you to the moon for not having a few doughnuts ready for us after we came in at ten o’clock,” I assured her gently.

“Indeed,” Luna agreed. “Simply have thine stallion prepare whatever is the quickest for a small snack to tide us over until lunch in a few hours. I care not if it is cold. And please, enough with the bowing. A mare in your position is more than excused from it. Your foal should be your primary concern, not my pride.”

Although she didn’t put her face on the floor again, the larger mare did lower her head. “Of course, thank you your highness.”

After the large pony left us, I stood at the counter for a few moments. “You know, if you wanted fast food, we could have gone to a Burger Princess or something on our way out of Canterlot and eaten on the way here.” The thought of everypony’s reactions when Luna would have pulled up in her chariot to the ordering window would have been worth it.

Luna’s groan told me what she thought of that idea. “Let us just find a seat and wait for our meal.”

As we started to turn around, I heard the door open and looked for Pinkie Pie at the front of the shop.

What I got was something a bit more…mint green, and horny, who had a creamy earth pony that may have been attached at the hip with her. “Bon-Bon, I can’t thank you enough for making those reservations. After what happened with Minuette, she needs-uh, why are you putting your face on the floor like that?”

“I really don’t know,” I said with a smirk both on my face, and in my voice. “Ponies just seem to do that around me for some reason.”

Lyra turned her head to give us a wide-eyed stare, and quickly prostrated herself on the ground in front of her girl friend, that may have actually been her fillyfriend. “Your Majesty! Um…”

Before Lyra could say something, or Luna could take offense, I grabbed onto the opportunity her appearance presented. “Hey…haven’t I seen you in Canterlot before?”

“Um…maybe, your Majesty, I just moved here a few weeks ago,” Lyra replied nervously. Not the scared kind of nervous though, just the ‘I’m talking to a demi-goddess’ kind of nervous. She wasn’t even trembling.

I took a few seconds to think up my next line. “You were with that yellow pony with the light blue hair…now, what was her name?”

Luna seized control of our mouth. “Lemon Hearts,” she replied after turning to look at our shoulder. “She was the pony that did organize the greeting ceremony Celestia insisted upon once we returned to the castle. And you may rise my little ponies.”

The memory of that little debacle made me wince, and I swung our head back to address Luna. “Ohhhhh, right…that thing.”

Needless to say, Luna’s first real big public appearance hadn’t gone over very well in the alicorn’s mind. While we didn’t end up knocking over any statues, or blow anything up, the palace staff hadn’t reacted very well to being brought in front of Nightmare Moon as they were forced to introduced themselves, if politely. Celestia had hoped that it would show everypony Luna and I weren’t dangerous. As everypony had been trembling in fear at the time, I don’t think they got the message.

And Celestia had just been standing there with the rather useless advice of ‘just give them time’ and ‘small steps’ along with some other drivel neither of us had been bothering to listen to.

“P-Princesses?” Bon-Bon spoke up, giving us a worried look. “Is everything okay?”

Lyra leaned over to the other mare. “Uh…Bon-Bon, why is she talking to herself like that?”

Bon-Bon let out a loud sigh. From the looks of things, monster-hunting had given her a much more stable backbone than her friend. “Oh right, you were stuck in Canterlot because we had to shut down the trains running to Ponyville last week for the storm. You see, Princess Luna and Night-” Whatever she was going to say was cut off by a loud, telltale crash that made me wince.

I looked up and…there was Rainbow Dash, half of her body actually sticking halfway through the wall. Judging by the fact that I couldn’t see her wings, I was pretty sure they were what had stopped her from flying all the way through. Her being upside down though, that was a little…unexpected.

My surprise lasted longer than Luna’s though. “Rainbow Dash! Are thou harmed?” she asked in a concerned voice. “What happened?”

Bon-Bon groaned. “Don’t worry about it Princess, this happens so much around Ponyville since Rainbow Dash moved here, there’s even a pool going on to bet what she crashes into next.”

“Hey!” Rainbow cried out in anger as her cheeks turned red and she struggled to get out of her predicament. “I’m getting better! And it wasn’t even my fault this time! This stupid curse-”

“Rainbow, you’re a curse,” Bon-Bon told her, an action that came close to putting Bon-Bon on my shit list. Ponyville pony or not, Mane Six ponies were well above everything else on the planet as far as I was concerned. You didn’t insult them without getting a good smack.

The pegasus growled. “No! This-ugh-time I-unf-really…ugh-have a-raag-AAAAAAA!” Rainbow replied before she finally got unstuck and then…from the sound of the impact outside, crashed into something else.

“RAINBOW!” I cried out from the pegasus pony’s disappearance.

Bon-Bon just let out a loud, blowing-off sigh. “Don’t worry Princess, this sort of stuff happens to her all the time.”

I looked down to Bon-Bon to glare at her. “That doesn’t mean she couldn’t be hurt! What the hay are you doing throwing insults at a pony that just crashed through a bucking wall anyway?”

And with that, I raced out the door to find the pegasus before Bon-Bon could reply. It wasn’t really all that hard. Her uneven cries told me to look up, and I saw Rainbow doing loops and turns that the laws of physics said were impossible on so many levels.

What with her flying around in such an erratic state, I looked up at my horn nervously. “Uh…Luna, could you get her?” Grabbing a moving target like Rainbow Dash without hurting her…yeah, didn’t have much confidence for pulling something like that off yet.

“Very well,” she agreed. “Although, I am beginning to question thy judgment on selecting her to be the pony that shows you how to fly.”

A second later, a blue glow surrounded Rainbow Dash, and she was slowly lowered to eye level with me and Luna as her wings beat against our magic. “Ugh, thanks Princess,” she said in the air. “I don’t know what’s going on! Ever since I woke up this morning, my wings haven’t stopped flapping and-”

Whatever she was saying to me was lost as I looked at something that made me tense. Rainbow Dash’s wings looked…off. Like, really off. And it was like a kick to the gut that made me realize what was wrong. “Rainbow…why are your wings upside down?”

It took us a few minutes for Luna to walk me through a spell that created a net of stretchable magic energy that bound Rainbow’s wings to her side without putting any force on the rest of her body. The things still tried to force the magic off of her, but Luna assured us that Rainbow’s wings would be bound for at least ten hours without someone to undo the spell.

As we walked to the library, the little pegasus told us what was going on, and I had to fight not to groan as she accused Zecora of cursing everyone when they went into the Everfree Forest after Applebloom.

Luna on the other hand, ate it all up. “Tell me valiant Rainbow Dash-”

“Valiant?”

Luna let out a tiny laugh. “Well, thou did attempt to strike at Nightmare Moon on thy own after the Elements proved ineffective.” I would have just called that being suicidal, but tomato…other version of tomato.

“Now, describe this Zecora creature.”

Rainbow actually had to stop to think for a few seconds. “Well, I’ve never really seen all of her,” she admitted. “But she’s got these stripes all over her face, and is a bit smaller than a pony. And she wears these weird golden rings, and her mane is done like a Mohawk, or…something.”

I found myself needing to hold back from even doing something like asking about her species, or any other specifics. Just pulling such knowledge out of my ass, even if they were just questions, might bring some questions towards me.

Although, now that I was over the shock of having such bad luck that I ended up coming to Ponyville today of all days, something did strike me as odd. Not the zebra thing, that little friendship lesson would be easy enough to keep on track. No, what focused me was…

“Say Rainbow, Celestia got a letter from Twilight the other day, and I’m pretty sure it was a friendship report,” I said. “You know what it was about?”

All of a sudden, the slightly angry look on Rainbow’s face went on to full disgusted anger. “Ugh, yeah,” she said. “Twilight’s helping me out with some legal stuff.”

When she didn’t go on, I sighed and prompted her. “And?”

Once again, Rainbow bristled and looked up at me to glare. “I got fired okay?” And then she realized that she had just yelled into Princess Luna’s face. Her eyes became extremely wide, and she tensed. “Sorry! Sorry, I didn’t mean, I just…um…”

Luna let out a long sigh at the pegasus’s reaction. “Tis fine my little pony. Calm thyself,” she told Rainbow. “And tell me what troubles you so.”

After a few seconds, Rainbow relaxed and broke eye contact to look at the ground. “Sorry, it’s just…last week, we had to double a storm’s output to make up for a major lack of rain the week before.”

“Yes, we were there,” Luna replied with a bit of happiness in her voice at the memory. “The turn of events was quite fortuitous, as it allowed Celestia and myself some much needed merriment with your friends.”

Rainbow blinked before she managed to translate Luna’s language and rolled her eyes. “Oh right, the slumber party. Rarity won’t stop talking about how she was at a party with Princess Celestia…even if she won’t tell anypony what actually happened. And Twilight just gets all red when I ask her.”

“Well then, we shall not break their confidence,” Luna told her. “If you wish to know what transpired-”

The pegasus held up a hoof. “Nah. But like I was saying,” she went on as her expression became a frown again. “Some bigwig raised this big fuss about us making a big storm when we weren’t supposed to, and so the head office said I can’t be a weatherpony anymore! Twilight said I can challenge it, but…I’m not gonna get my hopes up.”

I could barely keep my four legs walking the way they were suppose to. Rainbow getting fired…THAT WASN’T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!

But that flash of anger was short lived when I saw Rainbow deflate. She actually shook for a few seconds, and I might have seen the hint of a tear. “Rainbow?”

“This bucks! Weather, and going fast, those were like the two real things I can do,” she mumbled. “And now, I can’t even do the one that comes with a paycheck anymore!”

I opened my mouth to say something, but Luna was quicker. “Just let her speak. Sometimes, ponies just need to get things out.”

“And it's not like working weather next to the Everfree is easy, ya know?” she ranted on. “That storm was to make up for a rain that got blown away by a rogue cold front that came from the forest. Hey! Everypony knows the only pegasi that even get weather jobs here are the ones that can’t find them anywhere else!”

That got a frown out of me as we drew closer to Twilight’s tree. “What do you mean you couldn’t get work anywhere else?”

Rainbow groaned and looked away from us. “Look, I dropped out of flight school, okay?” she mumbled. “Finding a real job without a diploma is next to impossible, and the only bucking reason I even got this one was that a week after Fluttershy and me moved here, there was this big storm front that came out of the Everfree, and I helped take it out before it could flood half the town. After that, they had to give me a job!”

I reached out and put a hoof on the little pony’s shoulder to help her simmer down. “Rainbow, it’s okay. You’ve still got a pretty good chance of beating this with Twilight on your side.”

Luna took control of our mouth. “And if you wish for a more important voice to speak in thy defense, I would be happy to appear before this tribunal on thy behalf.”

“We both would,” I added with a little smirk.

Which only got a confused look from Rainbow. “Uh…don’t you both have to do that if one of you does anyway?”

I let out a tired sigh and gave Rainbow a deadpan look. “Just get in the tree.”

The scene inside the tree tugged at my memory. Open books were scattered everywhere in such disregard for their condition that it probably would have given Twilight a spastic fit if she wasn’t already in freak-out mode. It also looked as if the time it took me to get Rainbow’s wings bound had made us late for the party. The girls were arguing about what to do, and only got a few words out before the giant nightmare pony stepped into the library to end the conversation.

The second the three of us walked in, all of the girls looked over to us, and like always, bowed deeply after Twilight said Luna’s name and title.

The weirdness of the girls’ conditions helped me contain my unease at the sight of the them bowing. Lesbian ship captains were one thing, but the girls in front of me were another. There really needed to be a rule in Equestria that said you didn’t bow to shit after defeating world-destroying evil.

Of course, most of the girls looked as expected. Twilight’s horn was all floppy and covered in blue spots, which looked about a freaky as a rubbery bone. Pinkie’s swollen tongue also had the same oddities, with the addition of an overactive spit gland that didn’t want to stop. Rarity didn’t have the spots, but…well…she looked much worse than I remembered. I mean, imagine if you will the shaggiest dog you can. Then, tipple its amount of hair so that it creates a natural curtain over its entire body that ends a mere inch from the ground, and tangle it up. That was what Rarity had become. When she lowered herself on the ground in respect, the unicorn looked more like a rug than a pony.

Fluttershy looked like she always did, and Applejack…I actually couldn’t see Applejack.

“Um…girls,” I spoke up hesitantly. “Where’s AJ?” Sure, it was possible that she might not have shown up yet, but if everypony else was around, then it was a pretty good bed Applejack was too.

That got the girls out of their prostrating before Luna could give the command to rise, and put a worried look on their faces. Pinkie Pie said…something unintelligible, and Rarity let out a horrified scream. “Oh no! Please tell me somepony didn’t step on her!”

“Step upon her?” Luna asked in confusion.

As all the girls were checking their hooves, Spike walked up to us with an uneasy expression. “Uh…yeah. Apple Bloom came in with Applejack riding her rear,” he explained before looking at each of our hooves. “I thought it was kind of funny at first, but now uh…if she’s hurt or something…”

“Or sat on her!” Twilight realized in horror before all the girls attempted to check out their own butts…rather unsuccessfully. To be quite honest, the sight of panicked ponies chasing their tails made me want to laugh. Not to mention worry at how the hell these girls were supposed to save everyone multiple times within the next year or so.

My musing also made me stop paying attention to the girls. Which turned out to be a big mistake, as Twilight’s words brought me back down to earth rather…harshly.

“Princess Luna, quick! There’s not a little crushed shrunken cowpony hat with a telltale red stain stuck in my tail or anywhere else, is there?” she asked me frantically before turning around to stick her ass in the general direction of my face.

Luna took control of our mouth. “No, I do not see Applejack’s hat.”

“What about me?” Fluttershy added in a freakishly deep voice before getting close enough to Twilight that she was in our field of vision, and doing the same as the unicorn.

“My hair! Is she in my hair?” Rarity cried out. “Quick, Rainbow Dash, Spike, check my hair!”

With her ass still in the air, Twilight looked back at me. “What about under my tail?” she asked as she began to lift- “OH COME ON!” I shouted as I averted my eyes because…well…

Contrary to brony belief, Equestria was not like some giant nudist colony where all the pony’s give a free peep show. If a mare kept her tail down, you couldn’t really see much. If a stallion did it, you could usually only see the outer edge of their packaging. So when Twilight started lifting her tail…

Yeah…wasn’t going to even start going there.

Hell, I didn’t even know if I was anatomically correct.

So checking out Twilight’s pony parts? NOT GONNA HAPPEN!

With Luna taking a back seat, or having fainted from embarrassment, I was able to grab both Twilight and Fluttershy in my magic swung them around to face me in midair. “Okay, I know you’re panicking, so your brains aren’t functioning at even a quarter of what they should, but I know from personal experience that the posterior of a pony is probably not pudgy enough to prevent you from noticing if your plot popped Applejack like a ripe pimple!” I told them before narrowing my eyes. “And if either of you dares to suggestion that she managed to find an organic orifice, and entered it for safety-”

Twilight blanched, blushed, and…didn’t something else that began with a b. “I-I think we would have felt that Nightmare!” she yelled into my face. “I just wanted you to check the underside of my tail! MY. TAIL!”

“Good,” I said before dropping them onto the ground and looking around as Luna took over our mouth.

“Must you be so vulgar?” she deadpanned.

How something that started with a pair of ponies waving their butts in front of my face ended up with me being the pervert boggled my mind. And to find something, ANYTHING, else to talk about, I played the dangerous card of MLP foreknowledge, tempered with wisdom. “Hey Apple Bloom, have you seen your sister?” I asked while looking around for the little filly.

The girls had said she brought Applejack over, right?

“Uh…I don’t see her Princess,” Rainbow spoke up.

Pinkie Pie said…something, creating a spill hazard as she did.

“What was that Pinkie?” Twilight asked.

In response, Pinkie spat in Twilight’s face.

As the purple unicorn stumbled away, voicing her ‘eeewww’ opinion of the action, Luna spoke. “Pinkamena, mayhap you should attempt to communicate another way? We have read of a sign language that ponies who are not possessed of voice use in this era. Could you not attempt that?”

Pinkie gasped with wide eyes that just screamed idea so loudly I was surprised a light bulb didn’t just appear over her head. A second later, she reached behind her, and pulled out…a sign.

A wooden sign.

A wooden sign with writing on it.

Writing on it that ‘said’ [I saw her head out the door].

I…looked around and just waited for someone else to question it. My ability to question reality kind of died a few days ago when Cadance showed me how to empty a rain cloud of water and mold the damn thing into a sofa. As the mass of ice crystals could run out of water without ceasing to exist…I learned to just roll with the weird shit.

“And you didn’t think to tell us?” Twilight demanded, not even seeming to notice the fact Pinkie might have actually managed to literally pull something out of her ass.

Pinkie Pie flipped the sign. [I did tell you Twilight]

Then she flipped it again. [But you didn’t understand me]

And then she flipped the sign, with all of its two sides over again to display yet more writing that I hadn’t seen her add. Not to mention the lack of erasure. [And I bet Applejack went with her!]

Rainbow stomped a hoof onto the ground. “I bet they’re heading to Zecora’s!”

“Yes, the caster of the curse,” Luna said, which earned a perturbed look from Twilight. “Rainbow did describe the creature’s physical appearance to me, but have any of you knowledge of this Zecora’s abilities? I will need to be fully prepared when we face her.”

Rarity cleared her throat. “Well, she’s-”

The rest of the unicorn’s words were cut off when Pinkie tried saying…something, and then let out a sad moan. After a second of depression, the pink mare looked over to Fluttershy, and then dashed over to get on her knees with a pleading expression.

Fluttershy sighed, and…began to sing.

She’s an evil enchantress
She does evil dances
And if you look deep in her eyes
She will put you in trances
Then what will she do?
She’ll mix up an evil brew
And she’ll gobble you up in a big tasty stew
Sooooooooo watch out.

Which…okay, wasn’t all that unexpected. In fact, I had been secretly hoping to see it and managed not to squeal in delight while the critic in me demanded why Fluttershy had been willing to go along with Pinkie’s request if she had such stage fright. But to be honest, I was too enthralled to care. Hell, I was so caught up in the thing, I had even thought I heard the snappy background music accompany the catchy little tune.

Luna took her time in nodding her head before she took our mouth over. “Very well then my little ponies” she commanded before giving me a little signal to move forward by slapping her tongue against the bottom of our mouth sharply enough to make a clicking sound. “Hold here Nightmare so I might address them better.”

Our stopping point ended up being in front of the door.

“And turn around so we may face them,” she deadpanned.

After a brief pause for effect, the alicorn added, “Worry not my little ponies! Together, Nightmare and myself shall journey into the Forest of Everfree and find this vile Zecora creature to undo her dark hex!”

“It’s not a hex either.”

I glanced over to Twilight as she mumbled something, then felt Luna order us to turn. After doing so and heading out the door, I let out a little sigh. “So Luna, how exactly are we going to find Zecora?” I asked.

Although the real question on my mind was: just how in the hell was I supposed to stop Luna from turning her into paste when we did? While the princess might only be able to control once piece of our body at a time, I had enough experience with telekinesis to know that Luna could crush boulders into powder just by thinking about it.

The question got a grunt from Luna. “Halt.”

I obeyed the command.

“Turn and return to the library,” she ordered evenly.

After a few seconds, I went back to open the door, and stuck my head in to see Rainbow and Twilight frowning at each other in the way that only two ponies with a great deal of unresolved sexual tension between each other could.

Or maybe they were just upset over the losses of their most defining traits and were taking it out on each other while my shipping goggles were simply affecting my interpretation of things.

Which while possible, wasn’t all that likely. Twi and Dash totally wanted to do it.

“-should go with her!” Dash said.

“Rainbow! We’re a flightless pegasus, a party pony that needs to drink every two minutes to keep hydrated, a unicorn that can’t go ten feet without tripping over her own hair, and me, a unicorn with a bent horn! The only pony with her full physical functionality is Fluttershy!”

Luna cleared our throat. “Pardon,” she said. “But…might one of you give us directions to the lair of the foul beast?”

Unfortunately, nopony in the group could agree on just where Zecora lived, and as the show had never actually given me a map to her house, I couldn’t just insist on ‘wandering around’ in a straight line until we found it. So we had to bring at least one of them with us. Then Twilight pointed out that based on some of her previous actions, there was a chance that Apple Bloom had gone looking for Zecora again, and was probably lost in the Everfree with Applejack. The littlest pony that a mouse could turn into a meal.

Thanks to Twilight and her damned logic, Luna agreed to let them come along with us to locate Apple Bloom. From there, we could send her and the others home before ‘dealing’ with Zecora. As for the zebra and what was SUPPOSED to happen…well, I had a plan that wouldn’t cause too much of a deviation from the normal track. All I had to do was bring Zecora with me back into town with a cure in tow. That would get everypony listen to her, explanations would be had, and we’d all get our hugs out.

So, we brave alicorn followed by a bunch of stupid ponies marched into the dark woods to look for a little filly and her older yet even littler sister.

It should be noted that the Everfree was…justifiably creepy. Although Luna gave the lot of us plenty of assurances that she could handle anything that wandered onto the path we were using, I could more than understand why ponies kept away from this place. The thick forest canopy blocked out a ridiculous amount of light, turning mid-day into near-night, complete with the chirp of crickets and all other bumping sounds that only came out after dark.

The only real good thing about the whole place was that we wouldn’t have to be searching through the whole monster-infested forest. This was mostly because the undergrowth was so thick not even a pony with CMC level lack of self-preservation would be stupid enough to try wandering through them. The other thing that we had going for us was, like any good lunar goddess whose primary duty was to hunt down evil monsters and beat the crap out of them for trying to mess with cute little ponies, Luna was an excellent tracker.

There was one little bit of a problem though…

“Keep an eye out for anything…strange,” I told the girls while doing my best to keep the fact that I knew Applejack was hanging from a tree branch somewhere.

Or hiding in a bush.

Or…well…

Okay look, it had been five weeks since I had access to my old DVR, and to be honest, Zecora’s introduction episode hadn’t been my favorite to watch over and over again like many of Pinkie’s. All I knew as that when Applejack was just about as helpless as you could get, her little twerp of a sister ditched her in a forest that was infested with monsters! After we made sure the little orange pony was safe, I was going to give Apple Bloom one hell of a chewing out.

And then maybe whoop her ass.

With a stick!

About five minutes into our search, Rainbow Dash let out a groan. “Ugh! Can’t you do this any faster?” she demanded. Not for the first time either.

I looked back to her, and Luna spoke. “Twould be easier if you would hold thy tongue for more than sixty seconds.”

Rainbow looked over to the other pegasus. “Fluttershy. Can’t you just, like, ask some of the animals if Apple Bloom has been by?”

“Sorry Rainbow,” Fluttershy apologized. “But ever since I got this deep voice, none of the animals want to listen to me.”

That made me frown. “Wait a second. So…Rainbow lost her ability to fly, Rarity looks terrible, Pinkie Pie can’t tell jokes, Twilight’s horn’s gone wonky, Applejack’s been turned into something small and weak, and now Fluttershy can’t talk to animals?” Joke my ass. The effects of that damn flower were no less than crippling! “Every single one of you can’t use your talents.”

Twilight nodded. Thankfully, my righteous anger kept me from laughing at the sight of her horn bobbing around as she did. “Yes that’s why we need to hurry and find Applejack, then figure out how to undo this cur-ugh!” she groaned before looking back to the rest of the girls. “Now you’ve got me doing it!”

“Doing what?” Luna asked after she had us look back to the trail and slowly follow the hoofprints.

“Princess Luna,” Twilight spoke up. “Would you please tell these ponies that there is no such thing as a curse!”

Luna gave me the command to halt. “Look back at them for a moment,” she asked, which I quickly did. “Twilight Sparkle, what foolishness do you speak of?”

Obviously glad that somepony was about to agree with her, Twilight let out a relieved sigh that started to turn into a smile as she talked. “Everypony is saying we’re under a curse or a hex, and all know there’s no such thing as-”

“Of course there is,” Luna interrupted, cutting Twilight off and leaving her flabbergasted. “Tis the darkest of magic, meant only to harm and bring suffering on those that it entangles. Although I will admit, the effects of such magic are usually less varied. Still, Nightmare did manage see the connecting point between you all, so it must have a common cause.”

I turned us back to the road. “Come on girls, we need to keep moving. The Apples could be in danger, so keep your eyes peeled.”

The reminder about the Apples cut any argument Twilight had short, and had us moving down the road again. We went on for only about five more minutes until Pinkie Pie said…something.

And then held up a sign when we all turned to look at her. [Is that Applejack?]

I looked back and sighed in relief when I saw the little pony on a tree branch somewhat off the beaten path. She looked like she was clinging for dear life on top of a branch that stretched over what would have been a fatal fall into a deep ravine filled with deadly bushes that had prickers on them big enough to impale such a little pony.

A sigh of relief escaped my mouth, and I looked back to the pink pony. “Good job Pinkie.” Which it was. What with AJ being off the path, and Apple Bloom’s tracks continuing on, I would have gone right past the little pony without even noticing her. Especially considering how low the branch she was on.

Being a big alicorn didn’t lend itself well to searching the low areas.

“Applejack!” I cried out before rushing forward to come to her rescue. Considering Luna was the only one with a working horn or clear vision, we were the natural choice.

Although once we got there, something stopped me cold.

Sure, I wasn’t really all that affected by the cuteness of Equestrians. Living with them for weeks and weeks on end had let me get over their huggable nature with only a mild need to snatch up every friendly pony I could find in a loving glomp and nuzzle. Last week had also taught me tummy tickling of foals was also a must. But all of these things were resistible if the need arose.

However, the sheer level of cuteness that Applejack had gained from her reduction in size increased that adorableness ability that lets babies scream uncontrollably and puppies go to the bathroom everywhere they want without repercussions to the point where even my Equestrian-enhanced resistance was shattered.

Hell, she even had a cute little hat!

A HAT!

“Whoo Wee, Princess Luna am Ah glad you ever came alo-ahhh!” Appletini got out before I snatched her up to smother her with affection.

“Awww! You are just so adorable!” I said to the littlest pony in my hooves before rubbing my nose against her fur. It was unbelievably soft, newborn puppy level even! And her squeaky little voice was the cutest thing ever!

“On second thought, put me back, Ah’ll take mah chances with the forest of dangerous critters!”

A second later, Luna pulled our head back and let out a sigh. “Nightmare, whilst I agree that Applejack’s transformation has made her precious beyond words,” Luna told me, which got the cutest little squeak from Applejack. “We still must locate the younger of the siblings.”

I groaned, and then reluctantly put Applejack up on our head, where she could find a safe place to bunker down between our crown and horn. Thanks to not being able to see her, the little mare’s magical mini-pony powers had no effect on me. I also…forced out one of those a-word things. “Sorry if I embarrassed you Applejack. I got carried away.”

“Aw shoot Princess, that’s alright,” she squeaked out. “You should’ve seen what Apple Bloom did when Ah woke up like this. You just being affectionate weren’t nothing.”

And so, we continued our journey through the foliage of darkness.

Thankfully, it didn’t take all that long for us to find Zecora’s hut. Despite the fact that she did live in the Everfree, it wasn’t that deep. Even taking the time to track Apple Bloom, it only took us half an hour to find it after we picked up AJ.

Of course when all the little ponies caught sight of it, they might have panicked a bit. I thought it kind of weird that would be their response to the presence of a house, but aside from logic saying that only Zecora would have a house in the Everfree, I did catch sight of a Zebra in the window. So that may have tipped them off.

However, Luna had a much…different reaction to the presence of Zecora’s home. “Ah, a zebra hut. It’s good to see that they still dwell within the Everfree. Forward Nightmare, we shall enquire as to the presence of this Zecora monster from the ever-helpful stripped tribe.”

“Say what?”

Both me and Luna ignored the outcry from Applejack, and walked up to the door to knock.

“Like, hold on just a second!”

“Oh my, should we take cover Darlings?”

“This ain’t gonna be pretty.”

…and Pinkie said something too, but damned if I knew what it was.

“Princess you don’t understand! That’s the pony that cursed us!” Twilight cried out, making everypony look over to her. After a second of getting stared at, Twilight let out an aggravated cry. “Okay fine! I said it! We’ve been cursed! It’s a curse! We have all been transformed in an extremely horrible but slightly comical way by a stupid curse!”

The door opened, making me look back in front of us. “Oh, Princess of the Moon, you’ve brought your subjects for their cure much too soon,” she added after looking past us to see the girls.

“Cure?” Luna asked.

Zecora nodded. “The cure for poison joke you see. It takes time to brew this remedy.”

“Poison-” Luna cut herself off. “Nightmare, allow us to look upon our subjects again for a moment.” After I turned our head, the goddess began mumbling to me. “Spitty Pie, Hairity, Appleteeny, Flutterguy, and…Nightmare, raise out right hoof.”

I blinked, but did as instructed.

“Now bring it back to cover our face.”

After I completed the pony face palm, Luna let out a groan. “Ugh…I am a blind fool.”

It took about five minutes of talking with Zecora to get the girls to not to be afraid of her anymore. By then, Apple Bloom had come back. I proceeded to give her a proper chewing out at the behest of her sister for literally leaving Applejack hanging.

After which, Zecora regaled us all with stories of her homeland while we waited for her strange brew to finish. Luna also explained that zebras had been coming to the Everfree since before there was an Equestria. She had even run into a whole colony of them right after first becoming a princess.

Apparently, the Everfree had a whole lot of plants that simply wouldn’t grow anywhere else, and the final training for a zebra to become a shaman was to go to such a place and learn from experience. However, thanks to the dangers of the place since the sisters moved out, most zebras had chosen training grounds that weren’t as wild.

Which kind of helped Zecora fit in with the rest of the town when Luna brought everypony out to meet her on our way to the spa. She was just as crazy as the rest of them.

But get to the spa we did, and I joined the girls in their bath. They wanted to leave after just a few minutes, but Luna insisted we all stay for relaxation and company. It gave us all a nice, relaxing hour of just kicking back and telling stories. Something I really needed after having my nerves fried over fear of something eating Applejack. After letting our hooves get all pruney, I looked back up at Luna. “One thing I’m kind of curious about, how come you know about Poison Joke Luna?”

The alicorn let out a little laugh. “Ah yes, that,” she said with a smile. “Well, shortly after we moved into our old castle, Celestia decided to decorate it with some of the local fauna.”

Twilight’s eyes widened. “Y-You mean?”

“What did it do to her?” Fluttershy asked in fear.

Luna giggled. “Well…my sister’s countenance became much like a…cave dwelling brute,” she said before letting out another laugh. I had to fight to keep from turning it into a groan.

On the bright side, at last I didn’t have to worry about Celestia becoming super-horny if she ran into the blue flowers. I really didn’t think the real Twilight Sparkle could survive an encounter with Molestia.

After a few seconds I noticed the girls were in the middle of an awkward silence, and let out a tiny sigh. “So, is there anything else you girls want to do while we’re here? Our treat,” I tempted.

Luna nodded before taking over our mouth. “Yes, a hooficure after that trek through the wilderness would be a nice end to our adventure.”

“Ugh…do we have to?” Rainbow asked with a look of trepidation on her face.

Dash’s words made me wince, while Luna took it as a sign to focus on her. “Ah yes, Rainbow Dash, these is something else we wish to discuss with thee later, if you would.”

The pegasus gave us a confused stare. “What about?”

“Well you see, despite our best efforts, Princess Cadance and myself have been unable to teach Nightmare proper flight-” Luna’s explanation came to a halt when the door burst open to admit a group of unicorns and a single earth pony.

“I’m telling you girls, you're going to love this,” the mint green horned pony said as she walked into the room while looking in the opposite direction. “Canterlot may be swanky, but Ponyville has the best-uh, Minuette? Lemon? Shine? Why are you bow-oh buck. Um, Bon-Bon, is Princess Luna-”

“Yep,” the earth pony of the group said from her prone position on the floor.

Luna frowned. “Did none of you happen to see the private party sign on the front of the door?” she asked evenly.

The five ponies flinched as one, and Bon-Bon looked up at us in fear. “I’m sorry Princess! Lyra was having her friends come down from Canterlot, and I thought I’d make a day of it, so I reserved some time at the spa, and they told us to go into this room and they said we were in room two, but-”

I held up a hoof. “Whoa, Bon-Bon calm down,” I told her. “Calm down. We’re not angry, right Luna?”

“Tis not a problem,” she told them. “And rise my little ponies.”

“Uh, Lemon? Why is she talking like that?” the unicorn with the pink mane asked out of the corner of her mouth. Which made the palace ‘social function’ planner wince.

The blue member of the group focused on something else. “Oh my gosh! Twilight Sparkle is that you? Where have you been all this time you old so-and-so?”

Twilight blinked. “You’re…Minuette? Right?”

“Twilight? Do you know these ponies?” Rarity asked.

The question got an embarrassed blush from the unicorn. “Um…well, they sort of used to be my old friends in Canterlot.”

A tiny cough came from Twinkleshine. “I’d say we were more like acquaintances, really.”

Rainbow Dash jumped out of the water to hover in the air, and rubbed her hooves together. “That means you guys got some embarrassing stories to tell about her, right?”

The darker blue mare with the mane of toothpaste giggled. “Oh, do we ever!” she replied while Twilight began to sink into the bath. “In fact, there was this one time when Twilight was supposed to cast this Arbormancy spell, and ended up turning herself into…”

Needless to say, the newcomers didn’t show themselves out. And by the time one of the spa ponies came in with a thousand apologies, Luna was already waving off her as unneeded. Which was a good thing, because it turned out Lyra and her friends were the ones that ended up being in the right. Bon-Bon had reserved the room we were using, but Luna being a princess trumped any reservations.

In order to make up for it, we put yet another service on the royal bill before giving the Canterlot girls the tub and taking our places on the benches for our hoof cleanings and other pampering. Although Rainbow opted out of the hoof care, me and Luna were able to talk her into sticking around for a massage once commissioning some private flight lessons from the suspended weather pony.

And let me just say again, as a horse, nothing was more annoying than having to clean your own hooves at the end of the day. Even princess slippers didn’t protect me all that well.

As for the new girls, at first the four of them looked as nervous as hell that Nightmare Moon was in the room, but the hot water probably helped calm their nerves. And as time passed without me eating them, I think they managed to get it through their skulls that nothing bad was going to happen if I was disturbed.

Pinkie might have helped with that. After a day of silence, her ability to shut up had all but disappeared. If we didn’t smite her for bouncing around the room and giving us a strangling hug, then the Canterlot crew was safe at their respectful distance.

“Um…Princess Luna?”

I looked away from the hoof that Aloe was filing, and up to the bath to see Lemon Hearts was looking down at us with a worried expression. Luna handled the talking. “What is it my little pony?”

“I heard from Celestia that my introduction party didn’t work out very well,” she apologized. “I’m sorry.”

Luna sighed, and then took a moment to make us shake our head before she went back to talking. “Fret not over such things little Lemon. If today’s incident with Zecora has taught me anything, it is that one must make an effort to garner trust from other ponies if she wishes to be thought of in a positive light. Celestia attempted to do so through thine efforts, but…we will simply have to try harder, will we not?”

Twilight looked over at us in surprise. “What do you mean Princess?”

“Not to make light of thine own valuable lesson Twilight Sparkle,” Luna replied. “But if one wishes to make friends, then she must put effort into it. While Zecora did come to this fine hamlet many times, by her own admittance, she did not make any attempt to meet with ponies as their doors closed. And you yourself saw how easy it was to draw Ponyville’s residents out with a few kind words. Had she attempted to do this before, upon first arrival in Ponyville, I can guarantee you the myth of the evil enchantress would never have come to be.”

Luna sighed. “Such is the case with me.”

“Awwww Princess Luna, that’s so sad,” Minuette commented after she swam over to our side of the bath.

I held up a hoof to forestall the pity party. “Naw it’s fine,” I assured them. “About the only real problem of it that’s come up so far is we can’t find anypony to fill some personal assistant positions at the castle.”

A second later, Twinkleshine and Minuette shared a cautious look before the white unicorn turned her attention towards us. “So uh…what kind of assistance are you looking for exactly?”

“And how much does it pay?” Minuette added a second later.

Author's Note

Nightmare receives forceful landing lessons from Rainbow Dash!

Luna goes to the hospital!

And we learn the identity of the evil monster that made Rainbow Dash lose her job.

I Dash Through the Air Full of Unease

I Dash Through the Air Full of Unease

I stirred in my sleep.

“You do it.”

As the voices called to me.

“I did it yesterday.”

Rousing me from my slumber.

“Yeah well, I think she likes you better.”

Focusing my consciousness.

“That’s the problem!”

Drawing my attention.

Pleeeeeeeeease? Besides, I'm carrying the coffee."

“Fine, but you owe me lunch, and dinner!”

Giving me a reason to get up in the morning.

A pony cleared her throat. Judging by the nose, she was much closer, and in range of my hooves. “Princess, it’s time to-”

So I reached out to ensnare my prey.

The little blue pony with the wavy white in her hair let out a quick but sharp scream as I grabbed her and pulled Colgate deeper onto the sleeping platform of softness. My other foreleg reached out around her, and my wings practically turned into a feathered cocoon as I finished drawing Colgate into my snuggling hug, rubbing my face up against her soft fur while I let out a little moan of having my little cuddle pony in my equine-arms again. I had to say, best thing about being a big princess pony in Equestria was definitely the fact there were plenty of ponies on hand to serve as plushy replacements.

“Good morning your Highness,” Colgate greeted me with a bit of unease making its way into her voice. She was getting better at hiding it.

“Good morning my snuggly wuggly little pony,” I told Colgate before giving her another nuzzle. Which I think I was getting good at. As always, the softness of her coat felt heavenly, and made me wish I could just sleep with her all morning long.

In one of those non-sexual ways. I had my limits in how much love I was willing to give a pony after all. Snuggles, cuddles, nuzzles, smooches, and whatever they called that thing where you suction onto a pony's belly to tickle her with your mouth's expulsion of air were one thing, but that was were the line was drawn. Especially since I wasn't even in a body I owned.

As for the nuzzling itself, it was received well enough. In pony society, the act was something between a hug and a kiss as far as human affection went. It basically said ‘I love you’ but without the romantic connotations. Unless of course it was done between an actual couple, then it meant ‘I love you but let’s not get too physical right now’.

Pony society was big on the whole important gestures thing.

Twinkie cleared her throat. “I have your morning report and coffee your highness.”

I opened one of my serpentine eyes to look at the pony that had dared to interrupt my morning cuddle with Colgate. And of course, Princess I Want to be all Serious took over our mouth. “Is the coffee still freshly heated?”

“Yes Princess,” Twinkie replied respectfully with a little bow of her head.

“Give us the morning report while it cools then Twinkleshine, how are the state of things in the kingdom?” Princess Luna asked, making me have to just settle for holding the blue little pony so she could focus on what Twinkie was saying. Didn't mean I was letting my little Colgate go though.

The light unicorn cleared her throat, and acted as if I didn't have her best friend in what was a pretty embarrassing position. “Captain Nightwing reports that the guard training is continuing as scheduled. Also, as per Nightmare’s request, he has dispatched a pair of guards to provide watch over the homes of each of your friends and their families during the night, with orders to report any major changes back to you both,” she said before moving on to the next page. “As for your schedule for today, I’m to remind you that Rainbow Dash will be here at one to instruct Nightmare in flying lessons.”

That one got my attention. I sat up just a bit with my Colgate snuggle-pony in my forelegs and frowned. “That’s today?”

Twinkie nodded. “Yes your highness,” she said before looking back to her clipboard. “Also, Princess Celestia’s scheduling adviser wanted me to remind you that she has cleared up her day after morning court to have some sisterly bonding time with Princess Luna.”

“In other words-”

“-she wishes to watch us crash and burn-” Luna spoke.

“-and laugh her big plot off about it,” I finished. Although, perhaps that was an unfair assessment of Celestia. Being Nightmare Moon, my ass looked just about as big as Tia’s.

Which also reminded me we needed to have Rarity measure our figures. We never did figure out which princess had the superior posterior. Next time we were in Ponyville, I needed to see about having a 'Who's Got the Bigger Butt' contest, with my perfectly plump royal rear set up against Celestia's overly hyped hips. Or perhaps a 'Better Butt' contest, with the determining factors including size, jiggle, wiggle, and plushness.

“Verily,” the possessed goddess went on before she let out a sigh. “Oh Nightmare, I am inclined to agree with thine earlier assessment about having a centuries old sister with such a twisted sense of humor. It doth suck greatly.”

Don’t get me wrong, Tia was nice and all, but…for a solar-powered pony princess, she seemed to enjoy the suffering of her subjects a whole lot. Especially those related to her. Which weren’t really her subjects, but still…the point was the same.

I let out a sigh. “Well then, we’d better get cleaned up,” I said before releasing my little pony and giving her time to scramble free before I rolled over onto Luna’s stomach and addressed our servants.

“Twinkie, Colgate,” I said, it came out sounding more like ‘Coltgate’ but…that was what happened when one lived in the magical land of Equestria.

The pony that could have been a mortal Celestia stunt double sighed. “I-It’s Twinkleshine, your majesty.”

As for my dentist, she let out an indignant cry. “AHHH! I keep telling you! I AM NOT A TOOTHPASTE! Minuette, it’s Minuette! Men-Yu-Et!” she shouted right in front of my face. Apparently, the little pony had reached her limit and finally let her anger override her sense of decorum. Or fear of the Nightmare. Either way, she had finally snapped.

I smirked. “Well…I’m pretty sure a princess can get it changed.” Which brought about a look of horror on Minuette’s face that had me snickering a few seconds later.

And then I just snatched her back up in a hug and nuzzled her cheek in apology. “Awww I’m just kidding girl,” I told her before letting her fall back so we could see each other. “I know your name’s Minuette, my little pony.”

“Wah…it…you…you’ve been calling me that for three days!” the unicorn shouted in my face...again. If the irate creature in front of me hadn’t been a pony, I might have been a little peeved. But adorable things were just too cute when they were angry to get upset at.

So instead, I just laughed. “Well you do have to admit, the coloration does kind of favor the name,” I said with a guilty little smile that she didn’t share. I got a half-smirk, but it ended with that. “Okay, okay I’m sorry. Forgive me?” I even added a puppy dog out to help show my sincerity.

Minuette sighed and rolled her eyes. “Well, okay,” she agreed before I set the little pony down after giving her another hug for good measure. “It’s not like it’s anything new anyway. Plenty of ponies have called me that over the years.”

And that…kind of killed the joke for me. Sure Minuette was an adult and all…as much as that meant for a pony, but mean childhood nicknames tended to leave a sore spot that managed to stick around for years. “Oh…um…sorry,” I said again in a much more apologetic matter. Not that I hadn’t meant it the first time.

Then, my mouth started to move on its own. “Are’t thou done with thy mocking of the maidens Nightmare?” Luna asked me.

I sighed and slumped. Minuette’s name thing still distressed me, but if Luna needed to move on, then we would be moving on. “Yes Luna,” I replied while trying to think of a way to make it up to my new gal-pal. I needed some big gesture to show Minuette that I really did adore her as more than just a background servant pony.

We turned our head back to the blue unicorn. “Now Menu, go and see what choices we have to break our fast,” Luna commanded.

Which in turn got an eye-twitch from Minuette before she went into a bow. While I was apparently a princess to be yelled at, Luna got blind obedience. Lucky horse. “S-Sure thing, your Highness.”

As she left, Luna ordered me to take the coffee in our magic, and a technique born from many hours of practice allowed me to tilt it just enough for her to sip some without it burning our nose. When she was done with the potion of alertness, Luna had me look over to the other unicorn. “Let us be off to the bath. We will also need to apply proper cosmetics with our friend in attendance.”

I didn’t move from the spot, and looked back to my shoulder. “Uh Luna, considering what’s going to be happening today, I don’t think wearing makeup would be a good idea.”

“Humph!” the alicorn replied, taking an extra second to add the upturned nose to complete the subbing action. “Even if we shall be covered with sweat, grime, dust, mud, grass, shards of glass and become tangled in whatever drapes you happen to crash us into, we shall at least arrive in a presentable manner.”

I put our face back down and headed for the bathroom. “Ugh. Fine. But no eyeliner!”

Minuette made it back in time with a list of foods from the kitchen that told us what was freshly picked from the farms that sat in the shadow of Canterlot. The cooks wouldn’t let royalty eat anything less…which made me wonder what would happen when Winter rolled around. Or was Equestria big enough to have some of its lands in a tropical climate? I really needed to look into that.

After Luna picked out what we would eat, I had a brilliant idea and made the girls select something for themselves as well. Twinkleshine got a little put off by the offer, but Minuette didn’t seem to mind the news that the evil entity that was possessing a princess wanted them to sit down with her at lunch as an apology to the three day gag that might have been teensiest tiniest bit over the top.

Although when we actually went through with sitting down to brunch, Minuette looked a little nervous when I threw my wings around the two of them and kept the feathery appendages there in a permanent hug. Celestia just giggled at the sight, while Shining Armor didn’t think much of it, and Cadence had a tiny smile on her face at the cuteness of it all.

“So I see that you have started being more friendly with ponies Luna. It makes me happy to see you opening yourself up again,” Celestia said between bites of the food on her plate that looked like gelatinous mesh of seaweed, broccoli, chopped tomatoes, and cheese. Either Celestia was a health nut, or the castle cooks were just too damn snooty not to cook anything that at least looked appetizing.

Luna took over our mouth. “Neigh sister. Tis all Nightmare’s doing with these two. In all honesty, I am still most against fraternizing in such a way with our lessers.”

The statement had Celestia in a state of wide-eyed shock for a few seconds. “Luna! That’s rather...callous of you.”

“I am merely following thine own example Celestia,” she replied before taking a second to look around the long table that the six of us were sitting at. I didn't see what caught her eye though. The room was just about as empty as it always was. A pair of identical guards in golden armor stood back towards the wall, and a stallion with a large mustache and pocket watch cutie mark waited for us to finish out meal near the door.

A frown appeared on the face of the other goddess. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Luna raised one of our eyebrows. “I see not a single servant sitting on thy side of the table, Sister. Nor have I glimpsed one given such privilege since my return. You speak of me making friends with the common pony, yet as usual, I do not see ye following thine own advice.”

“That’s…” Celestia stopped to clear her throat. “That is hardly true Luna. I happen to have several friends, like…” She looked around for a few seconds before her gaze settled on the older pony with a mustache and a pocket watch cutie mark standing next to one of Celestia’s big royal guards in gold armor and a white coat. “Kibitz and Swift Wing over there,” she said while pointing to the pair of ponies that were waiting for us to finish lunch by the door with a hoof.

The older stallion cleared his throat. “Pardon your majesty, but I must beg to differ. While I am honored you would think to put us on such terms, it would not be proper for one such as myself to be friends with the immortal ruler of our land that raises the sun and has guided us through one-thousand years of harmony…aside from the occasional hiccup now and then,” he told her in a gruff voice that was more to to age than attitude.

Celestia visibly tensed and her wings rustled at the comment. But the alicorn was able to recover a few seconds later. “Well that’s…understandable,” she admitted before turning to the pegasus. “But, Swift Wing and I are very good friends. Aren’t we Swift Wing?”

The pegasus, who had been standing as still as a statue up until that moment, finally looked over to the goddess. “Wait, you’re talking to me Highness?”

“Well I don’t see anypony else here with that name, do you?” she asked in a sweet tone.

After a few seconds of having the princess look at him with a brighter than usual expression, the stallion made like he was trying to collapse in on himself. “I’m sorry to tell you this highness, but I’m Northern Gale,” he said in a worried tone. “Swift Wing retired five weeks ago.”

Celestia stared at the stallion for a bit longer…and then blinked. “Oh…I see,” she mumbled before an obviously false smile appeared on her face. “Well, a mistake anypony can make when you all wear magical armor that makes you look so much alike. Ehehe. Although, why didn’t you ever correct me?”

The guard’s eyes widened in what I would have called terror if he weren’t a pony. “Oh! we could never do that your Highness!”

“We? What do you mean we?” Celestia asked with a frown at the end. “Are you telling me that there are more guards that I’ve been mistaken about?”

Kibitz and the guard shared a worried look. Sweat started to appear on their faces as Celestia continued to glare at the two of them. Then, the older stallion looked over to the younger pony. “Run.”

As the two ponies beat a hasty retreat, Celestia looked over to her other honor guard that was standing on the far side of the room looking around frantically at the walls without any doors before he turned around and jumped through the window situated behind him rather than try to get across the room without talking to the Alicorn of the Sun.

Celestia gapped at her guard’s retreat. “Well that’s…disturbing,” she said before looking over to Cadance. “However…Shining Armor and Cadance-”

“A fellow princess and her consort do not count,” Luna told her before she could finish. “We are counting friends among our lessers, not equals.”

A thoughtful expression crossed Celestia’s face for a few seconds, and then she looked over to the blue pony sitting on my right. “Minuette!”

“Oh no you don’t!” I said before pulling the little pony closer to me in a hug that had her face pressed up against my coat. “You can’t have my hoofmaidens, they’re my friends. Go hire some of your own!”

After we finished brunch and dismissed my unicorns since they were only supposed to be helping Luna when she woke up and went to bed on top of a few minor jobs, us three alicorns (or would that be four alicorns counting me?) headed up to the roof to wait on Rainbow Dash to show up while Shining went off to do whatever guard captains in Canterlot did. Celestia conjured a cloud that took the shape of a couch that she began to lounge on with a rather dejected expression on her face.

“I used to think of myself as so approachable,” she mumbled as the horse goddess lounged on her stomach. “Hay, we used to be so approachable. There was a time when ponies walked up to us on the street to discuss their problems and criticize my decisions. And now, they don’t even tell me when I get their names wrong.”

I shared a worried look with Cadance, who motioned for me or Luna to say something. “Well uh…” I began while trying to think of something to say. “With you being all old and everything, it’s pretty understandable that nopony thinks it’s a good idea to contradict-urk!”

Cadance groaned as I frowned at the magic surrounding my mouth. “Well Auntie, you have to admit that things might have changed a bit since the old days,” she said. “And…maybe it’s for the better! Being such a larger than life figure means that the ponies of Equestria can feel safe and secure that such a pony is watching over them…right?”

“What you say makes sense Cadance,” she mumbled. “But…it doesn’t help me feel that much better. After all, friendship is not just the strongest source of magic, but it is also the founding philosophy of Equestria. Yet here I am, with only a hooffull of ponies I could call companions.”

The pink pony princess and I shared another look of unease, and I quickly looked around for something…anything to distract Celestia from her melancholy. But with the guards absent at Tia’s order and Cadance failing to cheer up the goddess as well, I found nothing until I looked up to see something careening through the air with as much style as it could, with a little rainbow trail flowing behind it.

“Huh, hey Tia, what’s that in the sky?” I asked while pointing my hoof at the obvious object in question.

As the big alicorn lazily moved her eyes, Cadance walked up beside me to squint in the general direction of where I was pointing. “Is that a bird?” she asked as we tried to keep sight of the prismatic flying object.

Which I’ll admit, was pretty freaking hard. Even if she hadn’t archived Rainboom speeds as of yet, Rainbow Dash was still impossibly fast for a flying animal. Not to mention how she could just give the middle finger to the laws of motion by doing ninety degree turns on top of all her other loops, barrel rolls, and corkscrews. The only reason I think I was even able to follow her movements was because she was over a mile away while doing everything, which gave me a pretty wide view of the show.

Luna took over our mouth after a few seconds of watching the pegasus zip and juke around. “Nay dear niece. Tis plane to see the spectacle before us doth not come from an avian.”

Just then, it seemed the pegasus had gotten tired of just playing around, and turned to head straight towards Canterlot at what was probably her maximum speed. Which was fast. Really fast. In fact, by the time Celestia finally got around to raising her head up to see just what me and Cadance were talking about, the blue blur had just about reached the castle. “No it’s,” she said half a second before the pony slowed down to where I could actually make out her features. “Rainbow Dash!”

The pegasus in question landed uneasily and stumbled forward just a little bit at hearing her name called. Then, she looked at the giant white alicorn getting off her cloud couch with wide eyes and tense muscles as Tia practically leaped over to where Dash was standing. “P-Princess Celestia! What’re-oh! Uh…”

Celestia smiled down at the little pony and reached down with her hoof to stop her from bowing. “Rainbow Dash, there is no need for that outside of court,” she said in a tone that I would almost call maniacal. “Please, call me Tia.”

“Tia?” Dash asked with a confused look on her face.

After a few seconds, the goddess shrugged and turned until she was standing beside Rainbow Dash to reach down and put a wing around the smaller pony. “Well, you did save Luna from Nightmare Moon, so I feel more than a bit indebted to you and the others. Great friendships have spring from much less. And the last time I was in Ponyville, both Rarity and Applejack were quite the joy to spend time with, so I see something wrong with approaching you along the same vein,” she said before turning her head just a bit and raising an eyebrow. “Is being so informal with you a problem?”

Rainbow blinked at the question, and then smiled before she got into the air to look at Celestia with a bright smile. “Hey no it isn’t! Put her there Princess!” she said while extending her hoof.

“You can forget the title as well Rainbow,” the goddess corrected her before raising one of her golden covered appendages for a bro-hoof. “Just Tia will do.”

I could only look upon the horror in front of me with a great deal of dread. As far as I knew, Celestia had always kept the Mane Six at a respectful distance, with the exception of Twilight once she had gained a pair of wings. And once she did, the girls had pretty much been tossed aside like garbage when it came to the big white alicorn. No more friendship reports, no more meetings involving the safety of the country, and Celestia had even told Twilight to keep them out of the loop when Discord revealed his true colors to team up with Tirek!

The sleepover was…fixable, but not this! Celestia wasn’t supposed to be getting all buddy-buddy with any of the girls!

Yet there it was in front of me, Celestia telling Rainbow Dash about how much she loved to fly before launching into a story about how she once raced Commander Hurricane across Equestria and finished it with a question if Rainbow wanted to do the same some day!

All my knowledge of MLP could say was: THAT’S NOT CANON!

“So wait…you made the first Sonic Rainboom?” Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

Celestia shrugged. “Well, back then we called it the Celestial Aurora Burst,” she replied a little nonchalantly like it was no big deal. “And the coloration was a little different. But yes, I was the first pony to perform such an act. But you would be the first pegasus to perform it. Not to mention the rainbow you crafted by yourself after the explosion.”

I cleared my throat to get the attention of the winged ponies, and frowned as they both looked my way. “Well as interesting as that is, not to mention the questions that arise from the fact that Rainbow’s did something no pegasus has been able to do before without getting a horn out of it, aren’t you here to do a job Rainbow Dash?” I asked with a frown as I turned my attention on the little pony.

My little mention of alicorn ascension made Celestia’s feathers ruffle just a bit. “Ahem, yes that is a good point,” she said before looking down at Rainbow Dash with a little smile. “Well Rainbow, I hope you can help to show my sister’s…driver how to use her wings better than Cadence has been able to thus far. As enjoyable as it is to see Nightmare try to fly, she really must learn to get off the ground without coming back down ten seconds later.”

As Rainbow got a slightly worried look on her face at the news that a princess hadn’t been able to show me how to use my wings properly, Celestia cleaned in close. “If you want to talk about the intricacies of ascension, it will have to wait for when nopony is around to overhear.”

Luna frowned. “What dost thou mean Sister? When I last walked Equestria, the heights anypony worthy enough could aspire to were well known,” she told Celestia as I followed the alicorn passing us by. “Is this no longer the case?”

“Luna please,” Celestia actually pleaded. “Can we not talk about this in front of other ponies?”

The younger alicorn made us let out a loud groan of a sigh. “Very well Sister,” she said before having us look over to Rainbow Dash. “Now my little pony, are you prepared to show my rather thick other-half how to fly?”

Rainbow jumped a little at the unfriendly tone of Luna’s voice. “Uh yeah…Twilight even had me up late last night reading a book on teaching late learner fliers,” she told us as her confidence slowly built back up to the levels I was used to seeing Rainbow Dash use. “Don’t worry Princess, I’ll show Nightmare how a pony flies! But um…if Princess Cadance hasn’t been able to do it-”

Before Rainbow could get any further, the pink pony princess walked up to her. “Ah-heh, about that,” she said nervously. “I’m afraid that I’m not that good a flier either Rainbow Dash. I was found and raised in an earth pony village. Nopony around to show me the ropes. I can fly, but…I’m not really up to par with expert fliers.”

“…oh,” Rainbow said after moment’s pause. Then, she shook off the stunned silence completely and smiled. “Well don’t worry Princess Luna! You’re in good hooves. I’m the best flier in Ponyville after all! If there’s anypony who can teach Nightmare how to fly, it’s me!”

Luna studied the pegasus for a few more moments before she made us nod. “Very well. You may begin.”

The command had Rainbow Dash assuming what was obviously a practiced pose, with her head up, legs straight, and wings out. “Okay, first thing you need to know about flying especially if you’re late to the start, is…you’re going to crash. You’re going to crash a lot.”

All of a sudden, I found myself wishing I had picked Spitfire to teach me how to fly. At least then I could have been pissed off at her without feeling weird about it.

My flight training started off with me standing on a cloud, overlooking Canterlot. As I was even higher up than a freaking mountain and standing on something that really wasn’t supposed to be a viable platform, my hesitation to simply move was pretty understandable. The fact that I was holding it hard enough to squeeze water out of the thing was just...to ensure safety.

The way Rainbow was giving me a frown…not so understandable. “Wait, you’re scared of heights?” she asked, as if it was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard.

Of course, I felt the need to correct her. “No! I’m just…freaked out by the fact I’m standing on something that I’m not supposed to, way higher up than I should be!”

What with her genius IQ of nineteen, I could tell that Dash didn’t pick up on the reference to the cloud, and just gave me a roll of the eyes for all my terror. Then she flew down until she was even with my little patch of cloud that she had pushed up into the stratosphere with me on it.

“Yeah well, that just gives you more time to figure things out before you hit the ground is all,” she said before moving her legs in a way that made me as uncomfortable as fuck.

My eyes widened as Rainbow Dash faced her ass towards the cloud, and drew her legs back for a buck. “No. No! Don’t you dare-”

Rainbow Dash kicked my white and fluffy proverbial safety blanket, and all of a sudden, I was tumbling through the air.

“I’LL GET YOU FOR THIS DASHIE!”

Now, I wasn’t a complete loss when it came to flying. I knew how to flap my wings, and Cadance had at least taught me enough about the process to get me off the ground. So, I flapped my wings like she had told me to do, going as hard as I could…and might have flipped upside down when I pulled up too much by leaning back with my body. The end result was me falling with my back towards the ground, and my wings tucking back in on instinct after I failed to right myself several times. Fear tended to do that.

“Okay, here’s your problem,” Rainbow told me as we missed the edge of Canterlot by a few feet and just continued to fall.

I glared at the little pegasus. “I know what my problem is! It’s called gravity!” I shouted before preparing to meet the ground by tucking in on myself a bit more.

In the last few seconds that I saw her, Rainbow shook her head. “Nah, it’s those fat wings of yours,” she corrected me. “See, you’re flapping them way too hard when you shouldn’t be, and-just a sec.”

The pegasus disappeared from my view, and then I felt a hard tug on the back of my mane that flipped me back over right side up. A weight settled on my back, and I felt Rainbow clutch onto me with both pairs of her legs, one on my back, and the other on my neck. “Okay now, spread your wings and hold them out.”

Even though I had my reservations, I did as instructed.

“And hold them there, even with the tug.”

I frowned at the command, and turned my head back to Rainbow as I fully extended my feathery appendages. “The wha-” The rest of my comment ended when I felt a hard, arm wrenching, shoulder dislocating, just pull your limb out of its socket force grab at my wings to try and pull them upward.

“GHAAAAAAAAAA!” Which they halfway succeeded in doing.

Through the pain, I felt a little pony nose press up against my ears. “Now flap ‘em once and hold them out!”

Once again, I managed to follow Rainbow’s commands, if only so I could survive to murder her later. Still, the action made me lurch upwards for a second rather than continue the downward motion I had been going.

And then…

“Hey check it out Princess, you’re flying!” Rainbow said as she continued to ride my back.

I…opened my eyes and looked below me to see the ground pass by at a quick pace. The ground that wasn’t getting closer by the second. I could feel the wind on my face an instant before it also passed through my feathers and left the hair on my tail whipping behind me. It was…kind of indescribable actually.

There was a slight tug as I turned my head to keep a cart on the road from Canterlot to Ponyville in sight, and then I looked behind me to see Rainbow still hugging onto my back. Her wings were extended just a little bit, although she would put them out just a little bit more every few seconds to pull me just a little to the left or right.

“Eyes on the sky Princess!” my instructor ordered.

I looked back ahead and…actually managed a little laugh.

Sure, I needed Rainbow to act like one of those swimming instructors that put their hands underneath the kid as he got used to kicking around in the water, but who dives a damn? I was still in the air and flying! In the fucking sky! With a pair of wings!

“Okay, let’s work on getting some altitude,” she said before launching into some instructions about using my wings that had me thinking I was going to be pretty sore by the time our training was done.

Two hours later, I proved myself right. By the time Rainbow had decided our little practice session over, I was able to flap my wings around without going out of control, but she told me I needed practice before attempting things like riding thermals for an extra boost of lift. So I was left to gain altitude the hard way.

Of course, the little horse didn’t ride my back during the whole lesson. After getting the hang of flying right side up, she jumped off to give some tips and generally coach me through the process of defying gravity while buzzing around, doing the odd rainbow loop, and pretty much performing an audition for the Wonderbolts once we had made it back into Canterlot airspace.

Thankfully, Luna was able to tell me what to do in order to keep steady once I had some experience in not falling. So I could excuse Rainbow Dash for pretty much abandoning me to the merciless skies in lieu of showing off to Tia.

Although…I will admit to having a few evil fantasies that involved her crashing in front of Celestia and ruining her chances of ever joining the prodigious flying team. But those didn’t have any real desire for Rainbow’s dreams to be crushed behind them.

“Okay Luna, I think that’s enough…how do I land this thing?” I asked her.

“Glide towards the ground with your wings at a low angle, and flap them when you get close to the ground to slow your descent,” the disembodied voice in my head instructed.

I nodded, and went into a rather poor dive-bomb that might have been way too fast for a landing before flapping my wings a little too far away from the ground, which in turn had me kicking in the air for several seconds before I actually touched silver horseshoe to ground, and had to run off my extra momentum. Which in turn sent me galloping past Celestia and pulling up just a few inches short of the wall.

On the plus side, I didn’t actually run into the damn thing, and managed to get back on the ground without sliding my face on it. “Well…that went…okay.”

A tiny snort from right behind my head made me look back to see the rainbow pony floating there with a smirk on her face. “Okay? That was…” For once it seemed like Rainbow’s sense of tact reared its sensible head and she shut her mouth before she could piss off the goddess of darkness I was riding inside.

But being Rainbow Dash, she wasn’t going to let it just end there either. She got this cocky smile on her face. “Let me show how to really do that move.”

And just like that, I was looking at a rainbow contrail. It was…really weird to just see her there one second, and gone the next. I didn’t even see her start to dash off.

I groaned, and walked up to where Celestia was sitting on her cloud couch. Cadance had made her own to hover next to the larger alicorn. I just parked my moon butt on the nice and solid stone between them as Rainbow Dash climbed much higher than I had been when I came in for a landing.

“What is she doing?” Celestia asked with a frown.

Dash began her descent, and I sighed at the pegasus’s need to show off. “Showing me how it's done, apparently.”

On the other side of me, Cadance giggled. “Well I have to admit, she is fun to watch.” The pink pretty pony princess turned her head towards me and smirked. “Especially since I didn’t get the show I was hoping to see from you.”

Luna took over our mouth to groan. “Pardon us if we both do not feel remorse over not giving you the sight of my body be made a foal of dear Cadance,” she said to the alicorn while I kept our eyes on Rainbow Dash. While we had a bit of an unspoken agreement to look at whomever Luna was addressing, I really didn’t want to miss the show. “Sister, is it just my opinion, or is Rainbow Dash coming down a bit too fast?”

“Oh that’s right, I haven’t had you look into stunt fliers yet,” Celestia replied. “Do not worry Luna. Twilight informs me that Rainbow Dash is a Wonderbolt hopeful. She knows what she is-”

Before Celestia could finish, Rainbow Dash sped into the ground hooves first to touch down right where she dropped from the sky.

And it was at that point that everything went wrong.

I’m not exactly sure what happened.

Maybe Rainbow didn’t take the landing right, or maybe there was some secret to the trick that she wasn’t aware of. But when she landed front hooves first, I definitely heard the sound of something going crunch. Time seemed to slow down at the noise, and her eyes widened a second before she bounced off the ground in an odd way and spun in the air until her side was facing the hard stone roof of Canterlot. Only then did the touch down, scraping her right wing for a good ten feet before a golden glow surrounded her body and brought the pegasus’s crash landing to an abrupt end.

Cadance let out a terrified shriek that had the little pony’s name in it somewhere while Celestia bolted off her cushioned seat to practically teleported to the pegasus’s side. “Rainbow Dash! Rainbow, are you alright?”

There was nothing but the sound of Rainbow’s too quick breathing in the air as I looked at the trail of blood and broken feathers that to the blue pony. And then…she screamed.

“Luna! Nightmare! Get over here NOW!” Celestia shrieked in what was the closest to panic I had ever heard her.

The command shocked me off my butt and made me gallop so fast I barely avoided tripping over my own hooves. When I got next to Celestia, I looked down at the little pegasus that was writhing in her magical grip, and winced.

Rainbow Dash’s hooves had been practically shattered. There were so many breaks, it looked like someone had taken a sledgehammer to a mirror. Blood was pooling around some of the cracks closest to the top from where it was leaking out where hoof met coat.

“Do you know the spell to put her into a deep sleep?” Celestia demanded.

I looked up at Celestia in surprise. “Well…yeah. Don’t you?” I would have thought a pony like Celestia would have known something as simple as that!

“Luna was always better as such things than me. My version of the spell wouldn’t give Rainbow a restful slumber with as much pain as she is in,” she told me harshly. “Now put her under!”

As I moved my eyes up towards the tip of my horn, I could feel Luna guiding me through the motions for the spell. While I got ready to dose Dash with magical anesthesia, Celestia looked up and back to Cadance. “Fly to Canterlot Hospital and bring back the top hoof experts working there, and have them make a list of whatever equipment they need to determine the extent of Rainbow’s injuries! I will have it brought to us after you teleport it to me.”

Cadance nodded and ran for the edge of the roof before she leapt off to fly away.

I touched my horn to Rainbow’s forehead. A second later, the little pegasus stopped struggling and closed her eyes to exchange painful reality for a pleasant dream. “Okay now what?” I asked Celestia before I looked at her a second to see the illumination around the alicorn’s horn actually increasing instead of winking out.

The world disappeared in a bright flash, and the next thing I knew, I was standing in room that was decked out in bright golden décor. Nothing but bookshelves were visible instead of walls to my left and right while a larger than average door was behind me, and an extra large bed with a sun motif sat up against the wall in front of me. With that big a hint, it took me all of half a second to figure out where Tia had brought us.

“You teleported us to your bedroom?” I asked in disbelief as Celestia laid Rainbow Dash down on the bed and tucked her in with the front legs sticking out above the sheets. She didn't even seem to care about Rainbow's blood staining the golden silk. “Not that I’m telling you how to use your stuff. But…don’t you have a ton of spare rooms in this castle?”

Once Rainbow Dash was down, the goddess turned around and headed towards her bedroom’s exit. “Come with me,” she said before the door opened with her magic. As I followed her out, Celestia kept talking. “While Rainbow will of course be given her own room during her recovery, I do not know every single room of my castle to risk a blind teleport when carrying another pony. And…”

She turned and headed for the spare room in her royal apartments to open it a second later. Inside was…not what I was expecting. Instead of another miniature library, I was treated to the sight of a table the length of the wall that had half a dozen beakers, a Bunsen burner, and some other things that looked taken from a dark ages chemistry set.

I followed Tia inside as Luna spoke. “So, you still dabble with your concoctions I see. Do they still distract you as much as they used to Sister?”

“Yes, although I would hardly call my alchemical skills a hobby anymore Luna,” Celestia said before several of the bowls and beakers were surrounded by her magic to float up in the air on their own before she started grinding, boiling, and mixing little bits of this and that. “And as I was saying, an alchemy lab is not within any of their immediate vicinities. Now, about your alicorn question.”

Despite the temptation, I frowned and kept Luna away from our mouth. “I’d rather know just what it is you're mixing up there.”

Celestia paused for a moment, and then nodded. “I know how to create some potions that will increase the speed Rainbow’s wings and hooves heal, and a protective covering for her hooves. Once we have a doctor examine her to make sure she will not need any precise attention, I can administer the potions and give her a speedy recovery with no risk of infection,” she told me before taking a deep breath and letting out long exhale.

“Sister, you seem a bit more…disturbed than usual,” Luna said as she took over control of that part of our body.

After a few more seconds of silence, Celestia hung her head. “It’s…nothing,” she obviously lied before turning her attention back to her potions. “Now, about your alicorn question.”

The immediate change made me a bit worried, but I kept my mouth shut as Celestia went on. “After you…left Luna, I took on many unicorns that had powerful magic as we did before in order to try and find those that were worthy of ascension,” she said as a beaker was placed on the burner to heat.

Celestia turned away from the alchemy table for a moment, a deep frown on her face. “And every single student I found with the potential had a single question on their lips. They wanted to know when I’d make them your replacement,” she explained as he mood darkened. “I think it’s obvious that none of them had what it took to become a princess.”

I blinked at Celestia’s grumbling. “So…then what?”

“So I took the temptation away,” Celestia went on. “I stopped taking students for two hundred years, went through the history books and edited out any references to how our personal students eventually gained wings or a horn. I wasn’t able to get everything, but a few vague mentions about things like the couple responsible for our holiday dedicated to love and other things are hardly proof of little ponies becoming alicorns.

“And when I started taking students again, the unicorns that I taught simply thought they would be groomed for a high place in the magical order, or become the next Starswirl. Twilight has no idea as to what I have planned for her,” she finished with a smile. “And I find it better this way. Ambition…” Celestia lowered her head and shook it. “Letting a pony know that I can put them on the path to becoming an alicorn has only ever led to disaster when I was the one doing the instructing.”

While Luna seemed placated by the answer, I frowned at something Celestia had left out, aside from the fact that Twilight probably already knew about alicorns from Cadance. “You kept saying unicorns this and unicorns that, but…what about pegasi and earth ponies?” I asked. “You can’t tell me they don’t rate some leadership positions too. From the way you’re talking, it's only the ponies with a horn that get taught.”

Celestia looked away from me for a minute to mess with her alchemy stuff some more, and then turned back once she had mixed the boiling stuff in the beaker on the burner with some powder that turned it into a blueish gak substance. “It’s ready,” she told me before turning off the burner and blowing off the question entirely. “Now come along.”

“Well Princess, I have some good news and some…odd news,” the doctor with the white coat of hair and blue mane said as he looked at what I could only guess was some kind of hoof X-ray.

Cadance had taken Celestia’s orders to heart, and had the servants bring up enough medical junk to fill Celestia’s living room. Aside from a thing that looked way too small to be an X-ray machine and worked without the need to plug it in, the pink princess had also brought in gauze, bottles of antiseptic, a bag of surgical tools, and half a dozen other little things I had no identification for.

Of course there were also the two doctors. One had a bright white coat, and the other one that was more gray. Both of them unicorns of course. Wing injury or no, we were still in Canterlot after all. After Celestia’s ‘I don’t train pegasi to be princesses’ reveal, I would have been surprised to find a pegasus outside of the royal guard, or an earth pony that did anything beyond washing windows in Canterlot.

“How is she doctor?” the princess asked with a concerned voice. “Will there be anything to complicate her healing process?”

Dr White Coat moved the X-ray away from his face. “This the good news. Nothing I see here indicates the need for surgery or any other major procedure. Her legs are probably a bit sore, but otherwise undamaged.”

“I believe the same goes for the wing, your Highness,” Dr Gray Coat added as he gave the X-ray in his magic a studying, but questionable look, as if it were written in some kind of code. “Nothing’s strained or broken. She just needs a few damaged feathers removed and her cuts treated, and she’ll probably be flying just fine when her replacements grow in.”

Celestia let out a loud sigh of relief. “And the…odd news?”

Dr White Coat cleared his throat and looked back to his X-Ray. “Yes well…from what I can tell, a good deal of the damage to this filly’s hooves wasn’t caused by the impact you describe Princess. It looks more like they were…exasperated by it.”

I took a second to let that run through my head. “Are you telling us that Rainbow’s hooves were always that torn up?” I demanded with a frown. Both of the doctors flinched at my tone as I walked up to them, but I was a little too upset with Rainbow being unconscious at the moment to care if they found big bad Nightmare Moon all scary. “Because they looked just fine when I was flying with her barely an hour ago!”

The white unicorn looked away from me and over to his chart. “Y-Yes well, that would explain the bits of polish and lacquer we found in some of the cracks.”

Celestia walked up next to me to put a wing on my back, and the little doctor ponies calmed down considerably. “You’re saying that she simply painted over her injuries and went about as normal?”

“Well…I wouldn’t exactly call them injuries your Highness,” he said. “Everypony cracks their hooves from time to time after all. But it’s common knowledge not to let anything seep into the cracks if you don’t want them getting worse while new hoof is grown to replace it. Of course this probably made it hard for her to trot, but being a pegasus…I suppose she could have supplemented her travel with flying around to the point nopony noticed how much she tiptoes.”

“I don’t like ponies touching my hooves,” a memory of Rainbow Dash said in my head before she flew out of the spa and full speed. And now that I thought about it…Rainbow seemed to fly more and more as the show had gone on. How in the hell had none of her friends noticed her hoof problem?

The goddess nodded. “Thank you for your help doctor. When you return to the hospital, I want a private room prepared for her while she’s undergoing recovery within the hour so that there will be a place available when we move her.”

Apparently taking that as their dismissal, the two stallions bowed and quickly headed outside of Celestia’s private quarters. The goddess took an extra second to stick her head out and give commands to the maid in the hallway to get some ponies to help move the equipment.

Once they were gone, Celestia headed back inside her bedroom, where Cadance was standing over the sleeping pegasus and putting the finishing touches on her cleaning of Rainbow wing. More than a dozen broken feathers laid on the ground from the former pink pegasus’s preening job, and the blood had been cleared away as well to reveal bits of bare skin with little tufts of pony coat here and there. There weren’t any visible injuries though, Cadance had probably taken care of the scrapes with her magic the second she was able to.

“What’s the word Auntie?” she asked with a worried expression.

Celestia let out a loud sigh at the question, and put on a little smirk as she shook her head. “Rainbow Dash will be fine with a little rest. It seems that this was all because she refused to take proper care of herself beforehoof,” she said after shaking her head. The goddess walked over to look over the little pegasus and frowned. “I’ll be sure to give this little pony a stern talking to when she wakes up about proper hoof care. But until then, help me cover her hooves in this ointment.”

I frowned at the bowl of blue goop that Celestia took from her bedside. “I thought we weren’t supposed to let anything get inside those cracks.”

“You have no need to fear Nightmare,” Celestia assured me before her magic pulled the blue gak out of its container. The stuff fought her at first, sticking to the bottom before it finally gave way and jiggled a little when the last bit caught up to the main mass. Then she pulled the gunk in half and moved it to surround Rainbow’s front hooves. “This will keep her hooves properly moisturized and protected without seeping down into the cracks and causing further damage.”

After Celestia finished applying the gak, I watched as the outer covering solidified into something that looked like a thin layer of translucent stone. But I could see the inside still had a gel-like appearance. Once it finished hardening, Celestia examined her work and nodded. “Now, I need to prepare a potion that will speed the regeneration of her hooves, and another for her feathers for Rainbow to drink when she awakens. We’ll wait until then to move her.”

It took a lot longer for Celestia to brew her healing potion than it did for her to cook up her gelatinous goo. Which was a good thing I suppose. Rainbow at least got a fair amount of rest out of the deal. Nothing sucks more than laying down to sleep and only being allowed an hour of it.

The three hours she got made a decent nap.

When Celestia made it back into her room, she was carrying a red and an orange potion in her magic that she set down on her nightstand. A few moments later, she lit up her horn and touched Rainbow Dash’s head with the tip of it. “Wake up, my little pony.”

The effect wasn’t instantaneous. Rainbow laid there for a few extra seconds, then her face got all cute and scrunched up before the reached up to run her fetlock across her nose and opened her mouth for a loud yawn that showed off all of her teeth. It was only after all of that Rainbow opened her eyes while smacking her lips to see Celestia at the foot of her own bed, with me on the right side and Cadance on the left that she apparently realized where she was.

She stared at us for a few seconds before Celestia broke the silence. “Good evening Rainbow Dash. Did you have a pleasant nap?”

Tia’s little comment had its desired effect, and Rainbow jumped up out from under the sheets. “P-Princess Celestia!”

Unfortunately, it also made Rainbow try and fly, which didn’t go so well with her right wing wrapped in a bandage. She got about half a flap out of it before her body was surrounded by a golden glow. “Rainbow Dash, calm down,” she told the pony as her expression became one of concern. “Do you remember what happened?”

Rainbow blinked at the question an looked down at her hooves, and then her wing. “Ugh…I crashed.”

Luna cleared our throat. “Quite spectacularly I might add.”

“We healed the damage your wing and fetlock, and I removed the feathers,” Cadance told her sympathetically. “But it's going to take some time for your hooves to heal and your feathers to regrow. You’ll be staying at the Canterlot General Hospital until then to make sure everything goes well.”

And of course I had to add my two bits. “Translation, we want to make sure you don’t buck things up until your recovered,” I said with a little frown before my expression deepened. “And now that you’ve got the three rulers of your bucking country looking over you to help you understand just how worried your little stunt made us…” I reached over and grabbed the pegasus’s coat in my hooves to yank her towards me and press my muzzle against her smaller one. “WHAT THE BUCK WERE YOU THINKING?”

As the little pony’s eyes went all wide, I backed her away from me just a little bit, but kept hold of her coat. “Do you have any idea how bucking stupid that was? You literally just crashed your hooves into solid bucking stone! And for what? To show off?” I demanded.

I think the fact that Rainbow was trying to back away allowed me to let up on the angry shouting. That, and what came out of Celestia’s mouth. “Nightmare, she’ll be okay.”

Celestia reached forward with a hoof, and I stopped her with a glare. “Yeah, this time!” I told her before looking back down at the nervous pegasus. “Look…I get you want to be a daredevil, and there’s a certain amount of risk to that. But there’s a huge difference between crashing because you flew off course during a trick and flying full speed into solid stone!” And with that, my anger was pretty spent. “It…just…please be more careful Dash. Seeing you hurt…it kills me Rainbow.”

The pegasus dropped back on the bed butt first, and looked away as my vision started to get a little watery.

“Sorry,” she mumbled in a depressed tone.

That just made me feel even worse. “No, I…I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that,” I also apologized. “You just…you scared me so much Rainbow.”

“And me as well,” Celestia added, making Rainbow look up at her with wide eyes. “I forgot the terror of seeing a friend becoming injured.”

“W-What?” she got out. “What’d you just call me?”

Celestia cocked her head to the side just a bit. “After everything you’ve done for my sister, and our pleasant conversations, do you really think that I would consider you anything less than a friend, Rainbow Dash?” she asked. “I’ll admit that we haven’t had time to bond over a few flights like I mentioned before, I do possesses a fondness for you and all of your friends. Is it so surprising that I would want to grow a little closer to all of you?”

Luna had us look up at Celestia and frown before she talked. “Sister, does thy mind still linger upon what transpired at brunch?”

In response, Celestia turned her head towards us and frowned. “While that did bring certain facts to light Luna, I am not so desperate and petty as to force my companionship on others,” said the horse that dragged Rainbow Dash into her bed. “And do you honestly have any objections in me getting to know the ponies who command the Elements of Harmony a little better beyond some letters that Twilight sends and whatever our intelligence service can discern from their work histories or dig out of their garbage?”

“I have no problems…but I hardly consider the ponies chosen to wield an incarnation of Harmony as common,” Luna replied evenly. So, Tia was still an elitist pig with a fat butt.

Celestia apparently took that as an end to their conversation, and looked back to Rainbow Dash as the pegasus examined her front hooves. “Don’t disturb the salve,” she said before surrounding her hooves in a golden glow and helped Rainbow move up to the headboard.

The pegasus looked around at us three goddesses and lowered her head back to the her hooves. “So how long is this going to take?”

“With the daily administration of these healing potions,” Celestia said as she took the two bottles in her magic to hold them up. “I’d estimate…three days. Until then, you’ll have to stay off those hooves and in bed.”

Rainbow…reacted much in the same manner that I had expected of her. “Three days? I’ve got to stay in bed for three days? That might as well be three weeks normal time, or even three months!”

Celestia rolled her eyes at the pegasus’s response. “Oh please, it’s hardly as bad as you make it seem,” she told the pony acting like a little girl. “Now open your mouth so you can take your medicine.”

It took a few seconds, but Rainbow did as instructed and gulped down each potion that Tia fed her. After it was done, she let out a little burp that Tia giggled at, and looked down at her hooves. “Huh, tingles.”

“That tells you it's working,” Celestia told her. “Now, it’s been more than long enough. If the hospital doesn’t have Rainbow’s room ready by now, then it should be ready by the time we get there. So, who wants to take her?”

I shrugged. “I guess I will.”

“Huh?” Rainbow asked as she was once again surrounded by Celestia’s magic and got floated into the air. The pegasus was turned right side up, and slowly came down towards my back. When it became obvious what was going on, she began struggling in the alicorn’s magical grip. “Whoa, whoa! Hold on a second! What’re you doing?”

Celestia finished placing the pegasus down on me before she replied. “Well I’m hardly going to risk you breaking the containment seal on your hooves by letting you trot all around the city Rainbow Dash,” she said before turning to Cadance. “That reminds me. Cadance, go ahead of us and make sure they give Rainbow some kind of covering over the floor like a cushion so she can have a little bit of mobility.”

“Um…P-Princess Luna, can you, like…not carry me around like a foal?” she asked as soon as the white goddess was done talking. An embarrassed blush covered Rainbow’s face. It took all of my newly acquired pony-cuteness immunity power not to daaaaw at the embarrassed little Dashie. It was just that cute.

Luna gave the pegasus a smirk. “Neigh little Rainbow. Nightmare was not the only one you terrified with your actions after all. While I shall not berate you as my other-half has done, consider this a reminder not to act with such foalish abandon next time you get it in your head to pull a trick you are not properly prepared for.”

“And didn’t you ride our back when we were flying?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.

Rainbow’s blush only got worse after hearing that. “T-That was just flight training! This is different!”

I trotted out of the room with the little pony riding on my back, smirking at the odd reversal that the presence of the prismatic pegasus provided. Apparently, what the Russians say about MLP was true.

In friendly Equestria, pony rides you!

By the time we got to the hospital, after a rather lengthily trip along the streets of Canterlot, Rainbow Dash was so embarrassed by the whole thing that I doubted she would ever try pulling off any stunts in front of any of us alicorns in the near future. As for me, I kind of liked ponies looking at me in confusion instead of barely contained terror.

And the blush on Dashie’s face was just freaking adorable. If Canterlot had any princess paparazzi around, I was so going to try and get their film rolls developed.

Either we had good timing, or Cadance going to the hospital ahead of us had all the staff work double time to get everything ready for the little pony riding me around Canterlot. When we got there, I set the girl down in her bed with my horn and checked out the room. It was what most would expect from a recovery room. Rainbow didn’t have a heart monitors, IV drips, or anything else like that, but the place was clean with a window big enough to take up the majority of a wall. The only carpet in the place was a little strip that led from her bed to the bathroom. But it was enough as far as Celestia was concerned.

“But what am I supposed to do?” Rainbow whined as we all turned to leave.

I looked up at the clock on the wall and saw it was only a quarter past five. “Well, I could keep her company until sundown.” Ever since I had gotten my maids, Nightwing had been given the days off to get a full day of sleep. While he still was about as lively as a cardboard cutout, the lunar pegasus did have more energy to do his job. “If uh…that’s okay with you Luna.”

“I find the idea agreeable,” she said.

Celestia nodded. “I should also go and mix the other potions Rainbow will be needing to speed her recovery, and Twilight will need to be informed about what happened to her friend,” she told me before looking back to the door.

A few seconds later, Celestia headed out, leaving me and Dash alone together…as long as you didn’t count Luna.

“So…what now?” Rainbow asked.

We chatted for a bit, and I got to fill some of the gaps in my knowledge when it came to all things pony, like information about Rainbows parents…both of whom had Rainbow in their names. The Wonderbolts also came up of course, which Luna had very little knowledge about since the team was founded after her banishment.

Rainbow didn’t know too much about their history either, she just cared that they were awesome fliers, and everyone in Equestria would acknowledge her as the best if she could join them. It actually made me wonder what would happen if she managed to show them up a time or two. Would she think joining the Wonderbolts was all that awesome if she turned out to be better than them?

But eventually, the sun set and the moon needed to be brought up. We were able to do it in the hospital room, but everything else that needed to be done tonight meant having to leave.

“Wait,” Rainbow said as we headed towards the door. I turned around to see a hesitant look on her face. “Uh…you’re just gonna…leave me all alone here?”

Luna hijacked our mouth. “Apologies Rainbow. But with the rise of the moon, my nightly duties begin. I allow Nightmare to talk me into indulging in frivolities while my sister has command of Equestria, but now it is time for us to go to work,” she told the pony in the bed. “And there is still much training to do for both my guard and my…driver, if Equestria is to once again be safe after dark. Now sleep my little pony, we shall return at dawn to check on you, and visit at the hour of one tomorrow if you wish.”

Although Luna apparently expected that to be the end of the conversation, I saw Rainbow was mulling something over in her head. Since she didn’t want to go out and say it, I let out a sigh and decided to try ripping it out of her. “What’s wrong Rainbow?”

“Well it’s just…I just woke up from a nap,” she complained. “I’m not sleepy, and…this place is boring without anypony to at least talk to!”

I had to admit, she had a point. Hospital rooms without television were boring as hell. “Well…uh…”

My head swiveled back towards my left. “While I of all ponies can sympathize with her distress. We have more important duties to attend to.”

I moved our head back around. “”Oh come on, those bat ponies-”

Luna swung us around. “Lunar pegasi!”

“-take an hour to get up and assembled anyway,” I went on after looking to the right. “We can stick around for at least an hour.”

And once again, Luna jerked us over too fast for my liking, and probably hers too since we shared the same sensations. “We must provide proper example to our minions, lest they also become slovenly.”

The fact Luna had a good point didn’t deter me from not giving in. After all, Nightwing was there to oversee everything, and…well shit, it was Rainbow Dash. Even if she hadn’t been a cute little pony in a hospital bed, I couldn’t just abandon her. “Like leaving somepony we care about all alone when she’s asking for help?”

“Why do you do that?”

Rainbow’s question put an end to our argument, and had me looking over to her. “Do what?”

“The double-talking…thing,” she got out after making a circle with one of her gakked hooves. “Back when we were at the castle the two of you didn’t, well…I’m pretty sure you talked to each other, but not…talked, talked…ya know?”

Luna nodded before taking our voice again. “Ah yes, that. I simply found it is less unnerving when ponies hear both sides of our conversation rather than one. Of course, tis also rude to speak in a way that hides my words from others whilst they are in the room as well. And...I have kept my mouth shut for nigh on one-thousand years my little pony. It feels good to move it, whatever the reason.”

The explanation only seemed to make Rainbow more confused, but I didn’t have my mind on that at the moment. While Luna had been distracted in explaining things to Rainbow, I had been thinking.

Mostly about what we could do to solve Rainbow’s boredom problem. I knew staying with her all night wasn’t really any option. An hour was fine, two was…doable, but anything more and even I was agreeing with Luna that we had other things to do.

So we needed to find something that would keep her busy before we left. And with Rainbow Dash being laid up with a bad wing…there was only one thing that really came to mind.

The problem was…could I risk doing it?

If I messed with the prognostication I had of the pony timeline, it could really do some major damage to what was supposed to happen. But at the same time…Celestia had never gotten all buddy-buddy with the Mane Six like she was apparently doing now. So wasn’t the timeline I knew of already screwed?

If that was the case, I needed to take steps to make sure the stuff that needed to happen actually happened! Which meant if I didn’t put up the time table with Rainbow Dash, she might get a little more cautious in her flying, and completely miss one of the most important developments of her entire life!

With that as a possibility, I had no choice but to intervene!

“Hey Rainbow, how about this,” I spoke up after Luna explained our double-talk to Dash. “We find something to keep you busy while you’re here recovering, and we’ll leave in under an hour. Sound good to you two?”

After Rainbow agreed, Luna made us sigh. “I suppose we can be an hour late to running drill if it means aiding one of our friends,” she relented. “But only an hour!”

I nodded in agreement, and then magicked Rainbow into the air to place her down on my back.

“Do you have to carry me like this?” she whined.

The question made me giggle at the pegasus, and turn my head around enough to rub my nose on her cheek. “Sorry Rainbow Dash, but you’re just too adorable not to,” I told her while I used all my willpower to resist kissing the little pony on the forehead.

We found a map of the hospital easily enough. Divided into four floors, the place seemed to be made out like the kinds of hospitals I was familiar with, only more…pony. Meaning that most of the stuff was from a different era, except for the medical technology.

They had a game room on the third floor, which Rainbow thought we were going to until I walked us into the small library across from it. I did my best to hide my smirk at her disappointment. Not that I was happy about her being disappointed you understand, but how Rainbow thought I was going to let her play ping pong, or something else in her condition…I had to smirk at that.

If anybody had a problem with me walking around at eight, they didn’t say anything. Being Nightmare Moon had finally paid off when it seemed nobody was going to stop me from doing whatever the hell I wanted.

So, I got our book easily enough and began our trek back to Rainbow’s room. The three of us got two feet out of the library before we ran into a distressed pony turning a corner in a gallop. She skidded to a stop, and looked up at ‘Nightmare Moon’ with wide eyes.

I froze. It was a reasonable reaction when confronted with a panicked pony. While seeing ponies afraid of me didn’t kick my mood in the balls like it did Luna, I was hardly unfazed by it.

Luna took the initiative and spoke. “Is there something amiss my little pony?”

The mystery mare cringed just a little bit. “Um…you’re the new princess…P-Princess Luna?”

I nodded. Luna talked. “Indeed I am. Is there something I might be able to assist you with?”

“Um…my son, Princess. I’m staying overnight in the children’s ward, and he awoke complaining of a stomach ache, and the call button for the doctors was out, so I ran to-”

“Ah,” Luna interrupted. “Lead on then my little pony. I shall see what is to be done for thy foal’s ailment.”

“And according to the parents of the foals staying with their children in the foal's ward, Princess Luna stopped reading after the foals fell asleep, and took the snoring pegasus who she had brought in with her back to wherever they came,” Princess Celestia read aloud as we sat around the breakfast table while she floated the newspaper in the air with her magic.

Compared to our usual amount of follower ponies, the royal dinning room seemed almost empty. Minuette and Twinkeshine had declined an offer to eat with us in order to get an early start on the bedsheets, and even Celestia’s customary honor guard was missing. Continuing the trend, Cadance sat next to Celestia, with a noticeably absent Shining Armor that was apparently finishing reports or something. I hadn’t really paid much attention to the excuse.

So it was just we three or four princesses, depending on how you counted me, alone together with Tia reading the morning paper. And by morning I actually meant when the sun rises morning, not when Luna gets up morning. Celestia’s look of smug happiness told me she already knew the whole thing word for word, and just wanted to show Luna how proud she was of her little sister, or something.

Maybe she was just happy for Luna getting some good press.

But then, her face turned a little sour. “After which, the princess reportedly brought up numerous concerns regarding the inadequate quality of pegasi care and credentials of the ponies treating patients with damaged wings.”

Pausing before she got to the end of the article, Princess Celestia looked up at us while the newspaper depicting a picture of Princess Luna carrying an injured Rainbow Dash through the streets of Canterlot was floated to the side for Cadance to get a better look at. “Luna, what’s all of this about?”

The Lunar Princess cleared our throat and frowned. “It is as the Times of Canterlot says Sister,” Luna told Celestia while raising our head up just a bit to give that morally superior view that came from looking down our nose. “Admittedly, twas Nightmare that asked most of the questions regarding the level of care received by our flying subjects, but from my understanding of things, the pegasi of Canterlot have not anywhere near the options for treatment and medical aid that the unicorns receive for their special needs!”

I let the understatement go rather than correct it. It wasn’t that the unicorn’s had it better off than the pegasi as far as specialized medical care went. The fact of the matter was, the unicorns had special medical care when it came to treating damage to their horns, and the pegasi had…basic healing spells and potions applied to their wings. Although I was hardly an expert on the subject, Luna had explained to me that when it came to flying limb repair, just using magic to sew broken bones and muscles back together wasn’t usually the only thing to be done. Like healing limbs and such when it came to humans, fixing something the wrong way could do just as much long-term harm as the injury itself did in the short-term.

“Well…” Celestia said with the tiniest bit of hesitation in her voice. “Canterlot is primarily a unicorn city Luna. They most likely don’t need to have such specialists for whatever problems arise in that small percentages of pegasi injuries. After all, I doubt there are any horn specialists in Cloudsdale.”

That one, I couldn’t just keep my mouth shut about.

But before I could fire off my building righteous indignation, Celestia gave me one of her motherly smiles and talked again. “You have been gone for some time Luna. You really should become more used to the new era before making any judgments about it.”

While Luna’s lack of response to Celestia’s roundabout insult to her ability to judge anything disturbed me, the fact that the white pony just blew off her sister’s concerns were what really set me off. “Are you kidding me?” I demanded while smacking my hoof against the table in a way that would make the owner of our body proud. “She just told you there’s an inadequacy in your own bucking city, and you just blow it off? There are injured pegasi that are all but being outright ignored by the medical community here in Canterlot, and you just shrug? What the hay Celestia?”

Celestia let out a tiny sigh. “Nightmare, I can assure you, nopony is being ignored in Canterlot. The pegasi have excellent medical care. I can introduce you to the medico here in the castle if you wish so that you can go over her credentials yourself.”

I frowned at the location and title Celestia strapped onto the doctor. If there was a pegasi specialist in Canterlot, then why hadn’t Rainbow been sent to her instead of Canterlot General? Although, if she was in the castle…

The information clicked in my head. “You mean the army doctor?” I asked indecorously, I was still pretty peeved off after all. Plus, Celestia’s answer hadn’t done much to dowse my anger, only feed it. “I’m not talking about soldiers Celestia! These are foals that need care!” Then I turned my frown into an outright glare. “Oh, but I guess you don’t care about pegasi unless they can do something for you, huh?”

Celestia recoiled as if I had reached across the table and slapped the bitch. Which I kind of felt like doing to be honest. But those plans were put on hold when Luna seized control of our mouth and turned our head to shout at me. “NIGHTMARE!”

I flinched the parts of our body under my control, but didn’t back down and wrestled verbal control from my landlord. “Oh come on Luna, look around! You heard her yesterday, and now this? Tia’s horned pony favoritism is so bucking obvious that it makes me want to tear our mane out!”

“Nightmare,” Celestia said with a sterner than usual voice. My words had apparently lit a fire under her fat butt. “I care for all my little ponies equally. But even I cannot be everywhere at-”

Ignoring Celestia’s attempts to try and reason her way out of all of this, I didn’t even let her finish before speaking again. “Oh yeah Ms Equal Opportunity Princess? Well then what was your last student like?” I demanded, stopping Celestia in her tracks. “And I don’t mean Cadance, who got her horn without any help from you! I mean the one before that! You did have one, right?” I was betting the physical description involved pointy thing on her head!

As soon as the words left my mouth, I watched as Celestia’s face went ashen, and her whole body drooped much more than she usually allowed herself to whenever something got her down. “I would rather not speak of Sunset.”

That…more than took the wind out of my anger sails. It was only when I was done that I realized what I had said and…saw that I had really hit Celestia below the belt with that one.

With a sledgehammer.

Although I gave Tia the best apologetic ‘sorry I fucked up like that’ wince and look in all of history, Cadance still glared at me hard enough to make Fluttershy’s stare seem tame. “Nightmare!”

“N-No,” Celestia said as she raised a hoof before Cadance could shout me to death. “She doesn’t know.” A sigh escaped her lips, and she looked back at me and Luna with eyes that were one hundred times more tired than I had ever seen her have before. “Yes Nightmare, I have had nothing but unicorns since Luna and I were separated. But in that time, only two of my students have managed to gain ascension. And…one…the last one, I failed her completely.”

The goddesses sadly shook her head. “Nightmare, I don’t know why you think I shun the pegasi.”

I couldn’t resist an opening like that. Even if I couldn’t add much heat to it. “Well you live in Canterlot, you don’t have any pegasus students on the road to becoming a princess, and the name of your school is for gifted unicorns, as if no other kind of pony matters when it comes to a higher education.” There were other things I could have pulled from as well, like the gross lack of pegasus ponies in contrast to the other two kinds at the Gala, but as that hadn’t happened yet, I couldn’t really offer it as proof. “Plus there’s the fact that unicorns are what control the weather here in Canterlot when the pegasi are supposed to be the ones doing that, and apparently the only real way to get proper medical care if you’re a pegasus in this town is to join the military!”

As a combination of memories of Sunset Shimmer, who was apparently around somewhere after all, and my words kept Celestia silent, I decided to throw her a bone. “Look Celestia, I know you love all your ponies and all that,” I told her. “But as the outsider looking in…it sure as hay looks like you love a certain type of pony a lot more than others. Hay, when was the last time you helped an earth pony or a pegasus get some extra parts?”

Celestia remained silent for a few more moments, and I found myself talking again. But it was Luna who was putting the words into our mouth.

“Sister, are you alright?” she asked.

I started to get that feeling that I may have gone a bit too far, and then Celestia let out a long sigh before she shook her head. “No, it’s fine Luna. I just…thoughts of my former pupil distracted me,” she said before her expression hardened and forced its way into an even look. “And…getting back to our main topic. I’ll admit, you interpretation of things makes me seem overly favorable to one tribe, but I tell you again Nightmare, I love pegasi as much as I do earth ponies and unicorns. But I can see how an outsider, or even a pony, might think otherwise. So I guess it’s time we continue our discussion about alicorn ascension that was brought to a halt the other day.”

The fact that we had gotten off track from what really mattered took a back seat as Celestia held out that particular carrot.

Luna on the other hand, didn’t seem to care for it. “Ugh! This is preposterous,” she grumbled. “Nightmare, Celestia and myself trained many wonderful ponies in the generations before I was sent away with you, and I can assure you that there were just as many in need of horns as there were ones that required wings, or in some cases both. I’ll admit that this…Unicorn School is new to me, but there is most definitely one in Cloudsdale for pegasi, and another for earth ponies over in Trottingham that she also founded. My sister would never be so unfair as to offer such advantages to only one group of ponies.”

On the other side of the table Celestia winced. “Actually…no, I haven’t,” she said, drawing Luna’s attention. “And while the pegasi have their own special…institution, I have seen that it actually brings ponies further away from many of the attributes that are required for a proper ascension. And as for a crown candidate from the pegasi or earth pony tribes…I haven’t had a single one of those since you were banished.”

Cadence’s ear’s twitched, and I frowned at Celestia.

“…what?” Luna asked after she recovered from that little bombshell.

“Luna, I’m an academic. Pegasi and earth ponies are intuitive, and I’m terrible at teaching them!” she exclaimed before swiping a hoof to the side in a gesture. “Buck, I’m not even all that good with unicorns! One thousand years, and I’ve managed to get a pair of students to be considered worthy for a crown! Before you went away, we worked together to help ponies realize their full potential, and with you gone…I had twice the workload and half of the royalty. And no matter how much effort I put into things, I just don’t have the way you do with ponies.”

I had the strangest feeling that Luna wanted us to wear a confused face.

Luckily, I had beaten her unasked desire to the punch and put it on halfway through Celestia’s confession.

“What way do I possess with ponies that you do not?” Luna asked in a tone that matched our face. “The little ones adore you!”

Celestia shook her head and gave a lot breath of air out from her nostrils. “They adored a crown Luna. Even Twilight Sparkle, all she has ever seen of me is…Princess,” the goddess spat. “Not Celestia.”

She took in a deep breath, and gave a half-hearted shrug. “I have never been good at connecting with ponies on a personal level Luna. That was always you, despite your attempts to remain aloof. And without that…I could dictate lessons on magic, morality, and a dozen other things…but such things usually fell on deaf ears without a more personal connection. The thing you provided when it came time to teach our little ponies.”

“Sister…”

The heavy word had Celestia raising a hoof to stop us before Luna could tell me to go give Tia a hug or something. “No…I’m fine. It’s just…” she let out another long sigh, and smiled at me.

Or…well, Luna at least.

“Sister, I know you had felt unappreciated and unnecessary towards the end, and…some of the less reputable journals have voiced such questions since your return when I have ruled alone for one-thousand years, but…Equestria has felt your loss Luna,” she told the dark alicorn. “I may have been the princess that everypony cheered and gave their admiration to, but you were the one that kept them safe at night, you comforted them when they were afraid, you were the one that showed our students that they could still be themselves even after becoming an alicorn. You were the princess they needed, I was just…some kind of example for them to live up to…even if it was a lie that they invented.”

At that, I felt the need to do some damage control. So I wrestled control of our mouth away from Luna. “Tia…I’m sorry if I upset you. You’re an amazing pony. And what you are is not a lie,” I told her. “You’ve kept Equestria together on your own for a thousand years. You’re amazing!”

Celestia smiled a little at the compliment, and gave me the slightest nod of her head. “Thank you Nightmare, but I know there has been several things that fell through the cracks these past thousand years,” she admitted.

Luna took control of our mouth again. “Then perhaps it is time that we halt our lament over such things, and set about to fixing them,” she announced. “Nightmare, we have broken our fast and need not tarry if we are to keep our appointments and right this error at the hospital. If you would excuse us Sister, we have to find our hoof maidens and bid them instruct us on how to go about correcting this error on the part of Canterlot’s healers.” Then the goddess had me look over to the clock. “And we must not tarry long…we gave an oath to Rainbow Dash and several foals that we would return after midday meal so that Nightmare might finish the tale of Daring Do. Although why she would search for our old phonetic toy Mother left to instruct us in arithmetic as if it was something important is beyond me. Tis merely an old toy.”

“She does that a lot actually,” Celestia told us with a little smile. “I didn’t have the heart to tell the poor mare she’s spent her life chasing trinkets from our foalhood as if they were important. Apart from the Rings of Scorchera, I mean.”

The truth about Daring Do’s stuff being the ancient junk of the gods had been a bit of a letdown for me when Luna informed me that most of the things DD went after were just old trinkets they played with during the Ice Age while in the Valley of the Sun that had been untouched by Winter due to some magic. Although the fact something she was after might have been worth something did peak my interest. “What’s so important about the Rings?”

Celestia’s face actually turned red, and she looked away from Luna and me. “Let’s just say…it is best if the seal involving them remain unbroken. If it did…things would become very…uncomfortable around the castle for most of the ponies near me.”

I frowned at the odd warning, but shrugged it off. There was no time to worry about the maybes of things that were due to happen a year from now. Although…what the hell did those things have to do with Celestia? I thought they had to do with the sun or something.

As I got up to leave, something about the whole hospital thing struck me as odd. So I turned back to the white goddess and gave her a little frown. “Hey Tia…if you’ve got the best pegasus doctor in Canterlot here in the castle, then why did you send Cadance to the hospital to get ponies that weren’t as good, and put Rainbow up there in the first place?” They had to have enough medical personnel laying around to help Dash out where we were after all.

Celestia gave me a wide-eyed look that last a fraction of a second, and then it turned into a little smile. “I’ll admit, I panicked when I saw Dash laying on the ground as she was, and as for her room...I needed to leave her in the care of the attending physician. It was her hooves that had the worst damage after all.”

Before I could press her on the issue, Luna demanded that we ‘halt our prattling and be off’ to get me moving.

Still, I couldn’t help but wonder. Even though Celestia’s explanation made sense, there was the fact that she panicked. That...didn’t sound very Tia.

Had she taken advantage of Rainbow’s injury to bring the inadequacies of Canterlot General to light to me and Luna?

Or was it all just a crazy set of coincidences brought about because Celestia panicked at seeing her friend hurt? Something she had not had in quite some time, and forgot how to deal with.

And then there was the sleepover thing that had happened with the princess slumber party. Now that I actually thought about it in the light of Celestia having trouble connecting with other ponies on a personal level…was she following me and Luna around to use us to try and make friends with the Mane Six?

I groaned and shook my head to try and clear it. Thinking about stuff like that was going to drive me crazy.

Hell, some of them didn't even make sense!

Plus, manipulator or not, it was still Celestia after all. The day she got an evil bone in her body was the day the sun rose in the west.

Which...considering we were in Equestria...was entirely possible at her whim.

And so, I actually managed to think myself into needing some Tylenol.

Author's Note

Unfortunately, this chapter was getting way too long to include Rainbow's hearing on the future of her job, and let everyone meet with the vile pony who got her fired.

So next time on the Batmare show...

Luna goes to Dashie's hearing.

Rainbow is forced to show her competence.

And Nightmare is introduced to a new level of freaky that even trumps Equestrian weather manipulation and promises to either drive her insane, or make her into a whole new level of fangirl.

I Participate in a Stable Bureaucracy

The days before Dash’s hearing went about as well as you’d expect.

It all started with me finding Rainbow in her room. She was reading Daring Do by herself, despite Luna’s desire to also hear the story. While the princess was a little miffed, even the wrathful goddess of the night couldn’t stay angry at a rainbow pony for long. However, Dash didn’t get much in the way of enjoyment when we dragged her along when we read to the kids during their lunchtime and had to go over the same stuff again while a silencing spell kept the pegasus from spilling any spoilers.

After an hour of book reading, I took Rainbow back to her room. Then Luna had Minuette and Twinkleshine fetch the pony in charge of the hospital. While the mare who was some medical bigwig that oversaw all of the government medical care in Canterlot, some chick named Medical Mercy, wasn’t around we did get the guy directly in charge of that particular hospital to come to Dashie’s room for a talk.

What with being a princess and all, Luna wasn’t about to let a meeting with some underling cut into my personal time with Rainbow.

When he finally did show up, a length of time that gave Minuette plenty of time to keep me and Rainbow giggling with her stories about what Twilight and her friends did as fillies, I had quite the list of complaints from several concerned mothers that were wondering why their foals got the hand-me-down equipment, the most inexperienced doctors, and suffered from a complete lack of medical staff that were particularly knowledgeable about wing-care to go over with him.

For once, not even Luna cared about the fact that Nightmare Moon usually had ponies trembling on the ground and begging for forgiveness for even the most minor of slights. Still, the fact that all he could do was promise to bring it up with his superior made me feel as if he was in reality just blowing us off.

Then, once we were done shouting at that idiot, we had to go see the pegasus medical expert at the castle for some fact checking and get a few firsthand accounts of incidents involving the kids that were brought to her for treatment because there was nobody else in the whole damn city to help badly injured little pegasi that couldn’t wait for a trip to Cloudsdale for treatment. About the only good thing I found out during that entire mess was that there wasn’t a huge line of little winged ponies standing outside the guard barracks, waiting for the medic. Unfortunately this was mostly due to the fact that there really weren’t that many pegasus ponies who wanted to live in Canterlot. Even the royal guard usually had their families back in Cloudsdale, and treated a tour the mountain city as an extended deployment.

Of course Celestia was perfectly fine with letting her military treat civilians thanks to the need. Oblivious as she was to some of these problems, I could see she wasn’t outright apathetic. The goddess even offered to arrange for me and Luna sit in on a session of the local ruling council once we got enough background information to see how everything worked.

Preparing for this took up the rest of my free time for the first day, as well as most of the second. I had time to look in on Rainbow for a few seconds to make sure she was healing and keeping to the doctor’s instructions though. Then it was back to the government study session that I had to get through as fast as possible, followed by a night of training under Luna in how to fly better, use magic, dodge, punch and yell orders at soldiers since she was needed to help guide my magic for the really complex stuff.

And then, day number four arrived, which somehow managed to be the same day that Dash’s friends were scheduled to visit, I was to meet with both the Canterlot and Equestrian Council, and attend Rainbow’s hearing…or whatever the hell it was, to get the poor girl her job back.

The whole thing made me wonder if there was some weird force in Equestria that attempted to pile as much shit as it could into one day if ponies weren’t too careful. It also made me think I just needed to hire a pony to be my scheduling assistant.

The opening of Luna’s bedroom door while I was asleep drew me out of my extended nap and into the real world. My ears detected the approach of the midday sacrifices to Nightmare Moon upon the altar of cuddling which I laid. The muted thumps of hooves on carpets had me wondering which of the girls I would get this morning.

To be honest, I really hoped it was Minuette again. She was the more active cuddle. I was really starting to think Twinkleshine was getting used to the treatment and had started passive resistance with how she just went limp to take the snuggling. If I wanted to get some enjoyment from that pony, I needed to start upping my morning mischief.

The only thing that really made me pause was that I had no idea what would be too far for a pony to endure. I wanted to give some annoying affection, not whatever the hell passed for sexual harassment for creatures that went around naked all the time. And it wasn’t like it was a topic I could just ask someone about.

As they drew closer, I found myself wondering if a smooch on the cheek would be considered crossing the line.

A nice big wet one that left lots of slobber, just to make sure nopony got any wrong ideas. I might have loved ponies, but that was a far cry from being in love with one of the little horses.

Although...if I ever did get a body of my own...I suppose ending up with a nice stallion or mare wouldn’t...well...

My thoughts were cut short as my nose twitched from an unfamiliar smell. It was kinda funky, the bad kind of funky. If the girls had gone and switched coffee blends on me from the royal blend to whatever my nose was detecting now, perhaps it was time to give ponies a reason to tremble in the presence of Nightmare Moon once again.

“Hey Nightmare, Luna, get up already!” a completely unexpected voice demanded from a distance that was way too close to belong to my minions, according to the sound of their hooves on the carpet.

Plus, there was also something else weird. The voice had a tomboyish quality to it. Not to mention the fact that it was coming from above me, an impossibility due to the fact that Luna’s mattress was so high most ponies could barely look over it.

And then the blankets departed from over my head thanks to a familiar hoof, which gave me a perfect view of the sky blue pegasus hovering over me. “I said, wake-GAAAH!”

My little Dashie’s scream was short-lived as I snatched her from the air and brought her in close for a hug that pinned her to my chest. She struggled against me but… When it came to physical power, my training with Luna had shown me that the body of Nightmare Moon was ridiculously strong. I could not only turn rocks to powder with my bare hooves faster than an emotionless Pie, but it had taken three ponies the size of Big Mac to put up any meaningful resistance to a tug of war game Luna had us play to gauge her new body’s abilities. And the chains we were using broke during a later test when I had five big stallions being dragged across the courtyard behind me.

So...yeah, Rainbow’s struggles barely even registered against my super earth pony strength as she tried to push herself free while I held her against my chest. “H-Hey! Let me go!” Dash demanded before she started to flap her wings and increase the resistance.

I tensed at the action, and then put some magic into my horn to fire a very low powered stunning spell at the appendages. There was no way in hell I was letting Dash use her freshly healed wings so soon after she got out of the hospital. As soon as the flash faded, Rainbow’s wings went limp, and her whole body froze. And since that last part wasn’t on the spell’s effect’s list, I started to get worried. “Dash?”

“M-My wings. I can’t move my-what did you do?” she demanded in a hurt panic as she looked up at me.

Like a deer in the headlights, I froze.

Luna didn’t. “Fear not Rainbow Dash. The spell Nightmare used simply forced thy wings to relax to their utmost. Motion will return to them in an hour or so.”

With that to help lead me, I managed to find my voice. “I sorry Dash. I didn’t mean to scare you, I just-you just got out of the hospital and you really shouldn’t be flying around!” I remembered the last time something like that was…uh…supposed to happen in the Darring Do book episode?

Stupid foreknowledge, it played havoc with my tenses.

“I’ve been flying around all morning!” she shot back with a little grumble. Which also explained the smell. And now that I knew to pay attention, Rainbow did feel a little…sweaty.

But, since Dash now knew she wasn’t permanently crippled, and the little pony had actually stopped moving I scooted her up until she was right under my chin, and put my wings around her. “Oh, that’s nice. Time for snuggles.”

Rainbow went back to struggling as I cuddled her, and I couldn’t help but comment on it. “Aww Dashie, there’s no need for all that nuzzling. I know you love me,” I told her before taking her back just enough to look her face to face. “And I love you too.”

That actually made her stop for a moment. But after she worked a few shocked sounds out of her mouth, the pegasus glared at me so hard I think I actually felt something. “I-I wasn’t nuzzling you! I was trying to escape that death grip you had me in!”

I giggled and brought her back into a hug that pressed the little pony’s head against the where neck met shoulder. “Okay Dashie,” I replied with a smirk. “Whatever you say.”

“Well I say, let me go!”

“And I hear, ‘Oh Nightmare your coat is so awesome I just want to cuddle with you forever!’”

Twinkleshine cleared her throat. “If I might interject. It’s easier if you just let it happen Ms Dash. When it comes to Nightmare Moon’s affections, resistance is futile.”

“Not to mention logic, groaning, asking nicely, and anything short of a personal crises,” Minuette added in out of place joyful way. “But it’s really not that bad. So just bear with us and it’ll all be over all the faster, and you’ll know never to try and wake the princess up again.”

Rainbow struggled in my grip a big more, and I gave her just enough leeway to turn around and glare at Minuette. “You know, since I’m pretty sure pranking a princess is against the rules,” she said with a frown. “You’re the two I’m gonna get for this.”

While Twinkleshine rolled her eyes, Minuette giggled in response.

A second into Rainbow’s unofficial declaration of war on the two unicorns, my mouth moved without me wanting it to. “Now that Nightmare’s morning sacrifice has been attended to, mayhap we might continue with actual business?”

“Luna!” Rainbow Dash cried out in what I could only call hopeful surprise. “Luna, Nightmare does whatever you tell her, right? Tell her to let me go.”

I tensed just a little and held onto my Dashie a bit tighter as well after hearing the request. Mostly because if it came down to it, I really would do whatever Luna told me to. Being her body slave was the deal I had made with my conscience in order to avoid driving myself crazy with guilt over stealing away her freedom. Sure I was in the driver’s seat, but the car I was in happened to be a limousine with someone in the back giving orders.

So if Luna told me to let Rainbow go...I would.

“Apologies Rainbow Dash,” Luna told the mare evenly. “Whilst I would gladly give thee any boon requested, I allow Nightmare mostly free reign during the daylight hours to indulge herself in merriment. And as her current action causes no harm beyond a minor embarrassment that she has visited on both of my hoofmaidens before, I see no reason to intervene.”

Then, our mouth curled into a smile. “Besides, thou are quite snuggly. Nightmare, nuzzle her cheek for our enjoyment.”

After I obeyed my Mistress of the Night’s commands and Rainbow got finished fussing, the day finally began with the reading of the morning reports, which now included information on any and all special projects that Princess Luna had set about to seeing to. In other words, finding a doctor with a specialized wing-care practice that would be able to move to Canterlot for the foreseeable future.

Of course there were other things as well. The weapons the bat ponies lunar pegasai were using were horribly out of date, so we also needed to find a blacksmith. With the royal guard being so full of Celestia’s gold and white colors we also needed to rewire half of the enchantments to give unicorns a darker coat. Not the pegasi though, they were all Celestia’s. Luna had her special flying division. There was also stuff that needed to be worked out, like why the hell we still needed an EUP if Luna was back and currently throwing around more power than she had been before her banishment.

But all of those were pretty much back burner issues that had been put in the ‘do when you get around to it’ pile.

Despite the number of things to do, it didn’t take Twinkleshine long to get through them before moving to her morning reminders. “And you have a meeting with both the Canterlot Council and the Equestrian Council later today, Highness,” she told Luna.

“The what?”

Rainbow’s question created a bump in our usual morning routine, and Twinkie looked up from her notes to give the mare a raised eyebrow of confusion. “Pardon?”

“What’re those Council things, and how come Luna’s gotta see them?” she asked. “I thought Nightmare was supposed to be calling the shots during the day.”

Luna answered the question before I could. “Tis Nightmare that wishes to bring her concerns to them in pony. I never did have much patience for such things. A letter always sufficed before my absence.”

“And….they’re supposed to be what again?” she asked.

While Twinkie just gave my Dashie a disbelieving look, Minuette got her mouth to work while keeping her face mostly under control. She only had a raised eyebrow. “You can’t be serious. You don’t know what the Equestrian Council is? How in the hay did you ever graduate school without knowing something as basic as that?”

Rainbow let out a tiny groan and looked away.

I decided to come to my little Dashie’s rescue before the can of worms involving her formal education could be raised. “It’s like the town council for Ponyville, Rainbow. Only…bigger, and…less democratic. The Canterlot Council runs the day to day activities of the city that require attention, and Equestrian Council does the same thing for all of Equestria.” The biggest difference between normal city councils the Canterlot one being the fact that positions were only chosen from the nobility, and the chairman for the Canterlot Council also sat on the Equestrian Council that regularly met with Princess Celestia who, according to what I understood, either ran the council, or had authority over it. All the others had to send a representative.

“I thought Celestia ran Equestria,” she replied.

Since it was Rainbow, I managed not to laugh at the childish train of logic that probably brought her to that little thought. “She’s only one pony Rainbow, she can’t see to everypony’s problems personally.”

“Although she does spend four hours a day holding court for ponies to come to her to do just that,” Twinkie added before sinking in on herself just a little bit. “But only a small number of ponies actually get to see Princess Celestia that way since it’s first come first serve.”

I frowned at hearing that little bit of information again. While I did like the idea of Celestia allowing anyone to approach her no matter their social status, the lack of any scheduling or screening process meant that ponies with minor complaints were given equal attention to ponies with real problems. But according to the big pony with the sun on her butt, she wanted to give all her ponies a chance to be heard regardless of how big or small their problems were.

And...okay, I could agree with her on a moral level that everyone did deserve a chance to voice their problems with the government, my practicality shouted at me that THE HIGHEST MEMBER OF A GOVERNMENT SHOULDN’T BE BOTHERED WITH ZONING VIOLATION COMPLAINTS!

But, it was not the time to get all worked up over princess fatass. I had a pony to snuggle with!

“H-Hey!” Rainbow yelled as I held my Dashie a little tighter.

I just nuzzled her with the bottom of my chin on the top of her hair. “Sorry Dashie, but you’ll have to just bear the embarrassment for a bit longer. Morning briefing is almost over.” Although, I had no intention of letting her escape until I was done with her. I had got one of the Mane Six in my bed, and she wasn’t leaving until I had achieved maximum enjoyment.

A giggle escaped from Minuette’s mouth. “Besides, you look so adorable. Like a mother and her little foal. I bet you were an adorable little filly Dash.”

Now, there are certain moments in a person, or pony’s, life that a brilliant bit of inspiration strikes like a bolt out of the blue. The ideas born from such moments vary considerably on a range from genius to freakishly wrong. And as Rainbow Dash said something about getting Minuette back for that little comment, I had the most horribly brilliant idea in the history of all things pony.

It was also an idea that I just couldn’t wait to share.

An enormous Cheshire grin put my face into a giant smile of mischievous evil, and I asked the obvious question. “Hey, you girls want to see Dashie as a foal?”

“What?” Rainbow demanded as her body tensed, and the other two ponies got hopeful, if slightly confused, looks on their faces. “Hey you can’t just…magically poof somepony’s old photo album and show it around!”

Filled with a giddiness at the idea of seeing Rainbow as a baby, I just gave her a response in a much too happy voice. “Oh I’m not going to violate your privacy Rainbow! That would be wrong,” I assured her, making the pegasus calm down just a bit. “I’m just going to use an age spell turn you into a foal for a little while!”

And what little tension left Rainbows body after hearing I wasn’t going to be showing off one of those pictures that displayed her bare baby butt as she laid on a carpet made from sheepskin jumped back into place about twenty times greater than before. “W-WHAT?”

The river of ideas continued to flow at Rainbow’s horrified question. “Hey! we can get you a bonnet, and maybe a rattle. Diapers too. Don’t want any accidents, and should I hold you, or put you in a highchair for the photographer? Suppose I could put a bib on you then,” I reasoned before looking over to Minuette as Rainbow went deeper and deeper into a terrified vision of a future full of baby food and other uncool things. “Go find a camera!”

Before Minuette could even take a single step through, my mouth began to move on its own, and my speech patterns changed just a bit as Luna spoke. “That is quite enough Nightmare, you are terrifying the poor mare,” she said before taking over one of her legs to let Rainbow go. She was back in control of our mouth a second after Dash scuttled out of our grip though. “And fear not Rainbow Dash. Nightmare is not so foolhardy as to enact an age regression spell upon thine body. She is well aware of the dangers that an adult pony’s mind faces when reduced to infancy.”

A fact that I knew thanks to some casual questions I had in regards for a cheat spell to try and keep the Mane Six around longer than a pony should be while discussing magic. Simply put, a baby’s brain wasn’t meant to hold onto an adult’s full mental capacity. More than a few minutes as a foal, and the pony in question would lose major parts of their memories, personality, and even motor functions.

Of course that also meant I would have had three whole minutes to get a picture of baby Dashie before she suffered infancy amnesia, but as Luna was never going to guide me through the complex spell that was required for youthanizing (a word I was allowed to make up as I was kind of royalty) ponies, it was just a pipe dream.

“Now give the poor filly your apologies Nightmare, thou did frighten her halfway to the grave!” Luna scolded me.

That actually made me wince. Taking things too far with my pony pranks was something I really needed to work on. Especially since I hadn’t been messing around about de-aging Dash into a second foalhood for a few minutes as a joke.

I would have done it to the rest of the girls too. You know, so it would have been fair to Rainbow to only have a set of second-infancy pics with her in them.

But I threw that little dream away, and sat up to give Rainbow one of my best apologetic smiles with a little bit of a head tilt and eye raise to let her look down on me from a place of moral superiority. “Sorry for scaring you Dash,” I told her. “Looks like I did take things a bit too far. Forgive me?”

Rainbow looked over at me with a little frown on her face, and ran a hoof under her chin as if she was considering something important before she shrugged. Then she gave me a smirk that might have been trademarked. “Sure. Although if you’re gonna try pranking ponies, you really need me and Pinkie to show you how it's done first!”

The thought of running around with the two most hyperactive ponies in Equestria…pleased me greatly. “Sounds fun. Say…next time we’re in Ponyville?”

“Awesome,” Rainbow replied before she leaped into the air to try for a back flip, and was reminded that her wings were disabled when she nearly crashed face first into the ground.

But being an all-powerful pretty pony princess of nightmarish terror, I used my phenomenal cosmic power to freeze her in mid-air and save the little pony from her near-faceplant. And then I raised her up until we were eye level. “Alright, friendship problem dealt with!” I declared before the scent of Rainbow’s sweat reached my nose, killing my buzz.

Which was then double-killed when I sniffed the air again to find she had rubbed a good amount of it off on me when we cuddled.

“Come on Dashie, we’re taking a bath together!” I told the helpless pony in my magical grip before trotting towards the royal apartment’s bathing area before another slew of ideas burst from my mind. “And girls? Prepare all of our personal combs and brushes for a full grooming session with my little pony here. She needs to look her best for her meeting with the weather board today.”

Rainbow let out a groan. “Nightmare, I said hold off on the pranks until after me and Pinkie show you how it's done.”

My mouth upturned into a wide grin at Rainbow’s discomfort. “Oh this isn’t a prank Rainbow,” I told the little pony, putting her back into wide-eyed fear mode. “And get out the hoof care kit as well. Along with some makeup, perfume, maybe style her mane and tail…get some jewelry too, something rainbow-ish.”

“H-Hey! Don’t I get a say in this?” she shouted while trying unsuccessfully to fight off the magic holding her aloft. “Luna, help!”

And so, Luna once again took control of the mouth we shared. “Twould be best to use a ruby necklace to go with her coat, gold chain. Horseshoes as well. Tis a shame we have not the time to prepare a dress for her, but such is life. Now come along little Dashie, thine beatification treatment awaits!”

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” the helpless mare screamed.

Unfortunately, it seemed that the high point of my day was going to turn out to be bathing and dressing up Rainbow Dash.

Which was totally amazing by the way. The size of the tub made her sit in my lap on a little stool to keep her head above water as I got to wash her coat and deal with the tangled mess Rainbow’s mane was. For once, Luna was actually on my side as I got to scrub my Dashie’s coat and play with her hair like she was personal styling toy with a complaining voice track that played whenever I brushed her hair.

Then we turned her into our little fashion doll. The two of us used magic to work her mane into something strait and pretty. After that came a hooficure that didn’t make Rainbow flinch beyond the revulsion it sent through her body, the hoof polishing that allowed me to see Luna’s face in the light blue-tinted reflection, and the addition of several gemstones that went with her coat to her neck, earring, and feet slots.

We even managed to get a pure white dress for her thanks to Twinkie’s efforts. She apparently knew some dress designer, and Luna’s magic resized it to fit Dash in a matter of seconds.

After all that was done Luna put a blessing, or maybe a curse, on Rainbow that would keep all our hard work in place for eight hours no matter how much Dash tried to undo it. According to the goddess, mud and dirt would just fall off her, and both her jewelry and mane would reset in a flash of magic if she tried messing with them.

Then my paralysis spell wore off, her wings went back to work, and I had to meet with Celestia in front of a pair of big fancy golden doors that looked like the same kind every important room in Canterlot had as their entrance. It wasn’t a symbol of status. According to Luna, gold was an excellent magic conductor that made it easy to put defensive wards on.

I just looked at the things, and couldn’t help but be reminded of the time Discord snatched the Elements of Harmony out from under Tia’s nose.

“So what exactly is on the agenda for today?” I asked Luna’s big sis as we waited outside in the hall for some reason I couldn’t fathom.

Celestia looked at me for a moment as if she was noticing my presence for the first time, and gave a minute shrug. “While there’s always continuing business from the previous day, I don’t really know about any new issues until they’re brought to my attention. That is the point of this council after all.”

My instincts told me that there was probably a better way to do things, but before I could start suggesting that Celestia should change the way her government had somehow survived a thousand years of her sole rule, the doors were wrapped up in another pony’s magic and opened. When they did, I saw that the one who did it was sitting on the far side of the table.

The fact that the other members of the council were already seated and had apparently been the ones keeping Celestia waiting outside wasn’t lost on me. While there might have been some kind of ye olden protocol or something that said those in the highest positions of power were last to arrive, it just didn’t feel right to me. Plus, I just couldn’t shake the image of a bunch of greedy bastards hiding behind the golden doors and taking the last few minutes of the meeting to get their stories straight so they wouldn’t be caught in some manipulative lie they were feeding Tia.

But I was pretty sure that was just my distrust for any creature in charge that wasn’t an immortal quadruped who raised the sun and had nothing but good intentions for all living creatures talking. Any secret meeting to hide things from the goddess would have happened well in advance.

As I walked through the doors, I took a second to try and see how the magical wardings of the room worked, but was only able to get some very basic understandings before my paranoia gave me a mental image of the ponies inside the room giving Celestia a bunch of false smiles while secretly calculating how to steal government funds to spend on hookers and blackjack at the local casino. I cleared my head to concentrate on what was in the room, and the ponies themselves.

The room looked a little less decorated that I was expecting. Instead of a solid golden table with a throne for each one of the ponies, they used marble and floor cushions that looked to be made of silk.

The council wasn’t all that large for a country as big as Equestria. From what Luna and I had read, only the biggest cities had a councilmember. All the smaller towns were just part of that larger city’s district, and reported to its council when it came to problems. Although some places were a bit more democratic, and had the main city council comprised of ponies from all over the district rather than just one city.

But because of such a restriction, only seven ponies sat on the Equestrian Council. I focused on them one by one, going over the information that had been provided to Luna when I had told Celestia that we needed to attend these meetings.

First up was an older unicorn with a dark brown coat and black hair with blue eyes.

Name: Merry Land

Council Represented: Baltimare

Cutie Mark: Unrolled Scroll with a Quill

Sitting next to him was a middle-aged mare with a white coat and a blue mane. She was also a unicorn, but with green eyes.

Name: Freedom Belle

Council: Fillydelphia

Cutie Mark: Crier’s Bell

Then there was a pudgy unicorn in his later years with a dark black coat and white hair next to her.

Name: Legal Tender

Council: Manehattan

Cutie Mark: Open bag of bits.

My crosshairs moved to target another unicorn on the other side of the table with a purple mane and yellow coat.

Name: Surely

Council: Vanhoover

Cutie Mark: A maple leaf

After her was a unicorn stallion with a red coat and blue hair tied back in a pony tail.

Name: Black Jack

Council: Las Pegasus

Cutie Mark: Trio of cards that totaled in 21

And the final member of the Great Council of Quadrupeds sat right in front of us. He was a big stallion that told everyone who looked at him where he was from with his stature alone. Although whether he owed his height to genetics, or some other thing that allowed ponies in Canterlot to grow a little taller than the rest of their kin, I didn’t know.

Name: Blueblood

Council: Canterlot

Cutie Mark: Compass Rose

So…yeah, the council consisted of six horny ponies.

But that wasn’t the most disturbing thing about what I saw in front of me. No, it was merely the second behind another little fact that I had known a bit about ahead of time. But actually seeing the complete omission of two whole towns that made my ‘WTF meter’ go from mildly unamused to outright belligerent. And since I had kind of known about this little foible in Equestrian government beforehand, I was ready to call Celestia on it now that I had her trapped in the room with the evidence literally sitting right in front of us.

“So Tia,” I spoke up, getting a few unbelieving looks from the unicorns that I had just called Sunbutt by an improper name. “How come there isn’t a representative for Cloudsdale or Appleloosa here?” I knew there was also another city called Dodge…something, but Apple Town was just more memorable thanks to the focus it got.

And…okay, I might have been willing to accept the fact that every major city in Equestria sent a unicorn to represent them in Unicorn Town because that was the thing to do, and said unicorn might have been good at his job. But while a city with the word Pegasus in its freaking name sending a pointy-head to meet with Tia was bad enough, Cloudsdale’s omission from the council was just fucking ridiculous, and just screamed UNICORN MASTER RACE.

Celestia actually had the gall to look confused at my question. “Appleloosa? Why would a town that small need their own representative on the national council? They have Black Jack to tell me of any issues that they report to the council in Las Pegasus.”

The explanation of Appleloosa, I filed away for later to check up on. Although it seemed sensible on the surface, a town that at least got a scene or more several episodes having to report to one that just got a mention in one seemed a little odd. Plus, I didn’t really like the idea of one town having to report to another before their personal problems got kicked up the chain of command. It was one of the big faults of democracy. Elected officials didn’t tend to give a shit about people if they couldn’t vote for them, and these were town councils we were dealing with for the most part.

“And Cloudsdale?” I pressed on in a dry tone with a raised eyebrow. There was no way in hell that Celestia could get out of that one by saying the oldest surviving pegasus city in Equestria didn’t have enough bird-ponies to rate a personal representative.

I blinked with Celestia’s expression turned just a little frowny for a few seconds at my question. A few thoughts she obviously didn’t like the taste of must have skirted across her mind. But then Tia had her usual serene face back on, which might have been a mask. I wasn’t all that good at reading the emotions of talking horses just yet.

“Cloudsdale’s status a roaming city means it does not fit within the council structure, which operates on fixed points,” she explained. “I still meet with representatives from the city of course. They produce the majority of the weather for Equestria after all, it would be quite an oversight of me not to. Their audience is simply a personal one as opposed to a council meeting such as this.”

Okay, that actually helped me quell my growing fury at how pegasi were treated in Equestria just a bit. All the unicorns had to share the princess, while the pegasi got some more intimate alone time with her. Sure, Canterlot was still pretty racist, but it wasn’t a problem for all of Equestria.

A loud fake cough drew our attention away from each other, and we both look at Blueblood. “Auntie, what is that…ahem, Nightmare Moon doing here?” he asked a bit too…flippantly.

Before Celestia could say anything, or I could ask the same thing about Blueblood of all ponies, Luna decided to end her vow of silence. “Where else would a Princess of Equestria be when matters of state are to be discussed?” we asked with a frown that I shared in spirit.

Sure it was a little unfair to be so gruff to Blueblood after just seeing his actions on a television show. But come on! He snubbed AJ’s food and had Rarity follow him around all night without just telling her he wasn’t interested. Hell, if the whole thing had continued, I couldn’t help but imagine she would have woken up in bed with the jerk in what would turn out to be a one-night stand that destroyed any hope she ever had in finding true love.

Mental note: Make sure the Triple-G goes off even worse than in the show. I didn’t want to risk anything like that happening to Rarity. Ever.

Although he had received an answer from us, the stallion continued to look at Celestia as well as address her. “But-But she hasn’t be around for one-thousand years! Certainly you don’t mean to give her any political authority!”

That last bit seemed to be enough to make even Celestia’s face harden. “I gave my sister nothing. The authority she wields as a princess is hers, it has always been hers, and will always be hers,” she said before moving her head back and forth across the room. Each of the ponies sunk a but under the goddess’s glare. “Is that understood?”

When the rest of the room meekly nodded, Celestia went from outright frowning to slightly unamused. “Good. Now, let us begin the daily report of the kingdom. As I have not had any visions of ponies being attacked, I take it there is no great horror that has been unleashed on Equestria this week?”

The red stallion cleared his throat, and raised his hoof. “Um…actually your highness, there is a slight problem that Appleloosa has reported,” he said. “The ponies there are complaining that they were being harassed by a group of buffalo that has migrated into the area recently.”

As Black Jack started going into specifics, my mind became a little confused at hearing that. What I knew about FiM clashed with what the guy in front of me had just said. Although I didn’t have access to a pony wiki or a DVR that held every single episode of the show in chronological order, I was pretty damn sure that the thing with the buffalo happened somewhere in Season 2.

…didn’t it?

So why in the hell was it being brought up now?

Okay sure, some of the episodes had to be a little out of order from what could have happened in Equestria if the show was real since they had Winter Wrap-up BEFORE Fall started, but…the injin stand-in group stirring up trouble so soon just seemed…off.

Unless of course four seasons really did comprise a single year’s worth of events.

And if Celestia just sat around on her fat ass instead of dealing with the problem like she should…

“Well, let’s wait for now and see how the situation develops,” the alicorn said.

…which, she apparently was willing to do, I could totally see a major problem developing to the point where the buffalo were willing to completely demolish a whole town of ponies and their food supply, trampling and starvation of the community be damned.

“WHAT?” I yelled at Celestia. “Those…land cows are encroaching on Equestrian territory, and your reaction is to just sit around to see what happens? What the hay kind of response is that? We need to do something to make sure they know not to mess with our little ponies!” Okay, so hanging around Tia and Luna so much may have affected my vocabulary a bit.

But those tiny quadrupeds were important to me damnit!

The goddess studied me for a few moments, and then shook her head before she let out a sigh. “Nightmare, in situations such as this, it is best to take a moment to observe and see what is happening before taking action.”

While that would have sounded reasonable to anyone else, I already knew what was happening. Hell, I even knew what was going to happen. Everything would calm down and work out between the buffalo and ponies when the bigger quadrupeds bullied the poor little ponies into giving them their baked goods because they didn’t want to run through a bunch of sandy ground not twenty feet over.

And while that would have been a fine and dandy ending for a cartoon show, what with the native occupants that didn’t even really use the land getting something for nothing because of the fragile connection they had to a culture of people that lost multiple wars for territory without actually going extinct, it didn’t really hold much weight if Appleloosa’s orchard would need to expand to feed the growing community. Not to mention what other improvements would be needed to help Appleloosa down the line.

“Okay,” I falsely-agreed before frowning back at Celestia. “And while we’re sitting around, waiting to see what happens, the ponies that are supposed to be under our protection are being…” Well, I couldn’t really say attacked, as the buffalo hadn’t tried to trample anyone that I know of before they heard Pinkie’s singing, but…they sure as hell endangered a lot of ponies by the way they attacked that train!

“…messed with,” I finished in a growl.

Celestia let out another sigh. “Luna, would you help me explain the situation to your possessing spirit?”

After a few seconds of silence, the younger sister spoke. “Actually Sister, I agree with Nightmare’s course of action. A swift response to this…incursion would be best. Equestria has not had a war with the planes creatures since before my banishment, and now that I have returned…albeit in a way that none could have guessed, I think it prudent to remind them as to why they do not venture north into our lands.”

As Celestia blinked a few times at Luna’s response, I was colored a nice shade of intrigued. While I had soaked up the history of Equestria during Celestia’s single rule, my cover as Nightmare Moon would have probably taken a hit if I tried reading about stuff when the thing that took over Luna was still a spirit wandering around…or whatever the hell it did before stealing her body.

So…yeah. Equestrian history was definitely something that interested me.

Tia looked us up and down, and I tried to give a good stance to show some iron resolve…or something. I think that was what Luna would have wanted.

“We will speak of this later,” she said in a much gentler tone than she had used with Blueblood. “For now, let’s find out what’s going on in the lives of our little ponies, shall we?”

Apparently, not even an equine utopia could make the workings of its government interesting, or even sensible for that matter.

As the meeting went on, I finally found out what Celestia’s place was when it came to the Equestrian Council. Simply put, they were an advisory board to the goddess. Celestia was the pony that made all the decisions. Anything that didn’t fall within the territory of a single city council’s authority had to be taken to Celestia for approval.

New road construction from Tall Tale to Vanhoover? That needed Tia’s stamp of approval.

Baltimare, Manehattan and Fillydelphia need to set up some new shipping lanes? That needed Tia’s stamp of approval.

Planning for a new trans Equestria rail system that would go from one end of the country to the other? Oh you better believe that needed Celestia’s stamp of approval. On several documents in fact.

While I could see how it let Celestia keep herself in the know about what was going on in Equestria, that part of her duties seemed to just…slow everything down. Sure, she needed a bunch of ponies to tell her what was going on in the big wide world, but the fact that she also had to approve every little thing herself made me think the process could be turned into something far easier to manage with minimal effort if she just gave a few ponies the authority to okay things in her name so she could deal with the important stuff.

At the very least, it would have cut down on the boredom of everything and helped alicorns that had to suffer through such things less drowsy. Despite just having woken up a few hours ago, I found myself fighting to keep my eyes open as I followed Celestia down the hall. A few times I nearly stumbled into her rear as Luna’s enlarged body faltered in its battle against the need to slumber, brought on by the boredom of the meeting. It also didn’t help that Tia’s bubble butt looked really comfortable to lay against. Something I could just lay my head against and sink into it like a big marshmallow pillow.

I shook my head to try and clear it of such thoughts.

And decided to talk.

Talking was good.

Talking stopped the Sleep.

“Guh! I don’t know what was worse!” I talked in the complaining kind of way. “How inane most of all that junk was, or just how it was all so ba-ha-hooring!”

Celestia looked back at me with what I had taken to calling her admonishing smile. It said she was upset with my action, but still had an infinite amount of love to toss my way. “Now Nightmare, everything that was said in that room was important. After all, how am I supposed to make proper decisions about the future of Equestria if I do not know what is going on inside my kingdom?”

While Celestia was right on that point, the amount of involvement she had in just the most basic of decisions was what had me frowning back at her. I mean, did they really need her approval for a new shopping mall in Manehattan because it would have stuff shipped in from all over Equestria?

Instead of me snarking at the pony princess in reply, Luna took over for us. “Nightmare speaks the truth Sister. Before our absence, the nobles would not have dared waste our time broaching such subjects as what was discussed within that chamber,” she said. “But more importantly, why is it that so much of the budget has been set aside for a payment to Griffonstone? You can not tell me that those beasts actually prevailed in a war against Equestria, and now demand tribute!”

Okay, that was actually a pretty valid complaint. I mean, I knew Griffonstone was pretty much the magical land version of every human city that was passed it heyday rolled into one and populated by money-grubbing douche bags that would sell their own mother for two bits, but the fact that Equestria was actually giving them money just made me scratch my head. There was no way that paying them off was worth avoiding conflict with a race that would get completely owned if they tried anything.

“No Sister,” Celestia assured us. “The griffons have fallen on hard times, and simply require a little aid.”

“Sister, you do remember this was the same species that attempted to invade Equestria the week after our nation was founded, do you not?” Luna replied in a deadpan tone.

The other alicorn frowned back at us. “An invasion that was stopped thanks to an offer of pastries, Luna.”

Luna snorted with our nose, which felt really weird since I wasn’t the one doing it. “Yes, and I’m sure the fact they were facing a military force more than three times the size of what they were used to with the pegasi on top of the two of us had nothing to do with bringing them to the negotiations table,” she snarked. “And as I remember it, those pastries were enchanted with a spell that made any creature that ate one desire more éclairs with such abandon it was almost a physical need.”

I stumbled, and moved my head to look at my shoulder, and then to Celestia as I finished translating what Luna had just said. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second,” I cut in with my disbelief written all over my face. “You enchanted the food at a political meeting with a want-it-need-it spell?”

Common decency put a little red on Celestia’s face, but she tilted her head up just a little and held it high instead of shrinking under the accusation. “The griffons were threatening to invade Equestria just a few short weeks after its founding. Neither Luna nor myself had begun to raise the sun and moon at that point in time, and the military units of the three tribes were a hodgepodge of soldiers that still distrusted each other too much to fight side by side,” she replied in a regal tone. “We saw a chance to avert a war that would have been devastating to both sides. One that involved no loss of life, and took it.”

“Of course old king Boreas keeled over three years later from the problems with his clogged arteries since all he ate were chocolate éclairs and forever made griffin culture consider that one particular food the be all and end all of dining,” Luna added with a smirk before she turned serious. “But enough jesting. All things considered Nightmare, that is a minor cost compared to how many ponies would have been injured or worse. If anything, I believe we went easy on the old bird.”

My conscience found itself in an internal struggle. On one hand, the alicorns apparently had little reservations about how they had basically stripped away the will of another intelligent creature to serve their own ends. But on the other hand, said creature was attempting to start a war that would have cost thousands of lives at the least. Freedom of choice, or sanctity of life?

And then there was that last bit that Luna mentioned.

“What do you mean he got off easy?” I asked.

Celestia rolled her eyes. “Because of the effects of the spell, Boreas was willing to immediately surrender his country to us and offered his people up as free labor with a blood debt that would carry through the lines of their families in perpetuity in return for the recipe.”

I raised an eyebrow at Celestia. “You mean he was willing to turn his entire species into a slave race for a dessert recipe?”

My mouth began moving on its own again, and Luna made us let out a sigh. “I still believe we should have at least taken the offer of annexation.”

Celestia shook her head. “And I still say it would have been a bad idea. The pegasi would have felt betrayed if we were to have allowed another winged race into Equestria at such an early stage. It would have threatened their very purpose in Equestria.”

“Oh please Sister,” Luna replied with a snort. “Those cat-birds barely have enough magic to stand on clouds. As if they could ever replace our little ponies in the field of weather control.”

Unfortunately, the conversation was brought to an abrupt end when we reached another pair of oversized golden doors with a large sun worked right into the center. Like the other council chambers, the door was enchanted not to let anything in without the proper magical coding.

I questioned the reasoning behind having two different meeting rooms for the different councils, but didn’t outright ask it. Apparently, governments just loved excuses to spend money no matter what world you were in.

“I will see you for the setting of the sun then, Sister?” Celestia asked.

Luna had me nod our head, and we shared a quick nuzzle goodbye before Sunbutt turned around to wave her rear at us as she walked away. With the horses massive hips swaying to a fro in front of my eyes, I couldn’t help but liken the way she walked to certain human women that made their living off being naked on a stage.

“Okay, I got to know, does she do the super sexy strut on purpose?” I asked Luna as we looked away from Tia to walk into the empty room. “Or is it just some strange coincidence?”

An odd sensation ran through my body, like a jolt of electricity without the shiver that usually accompanied it. Then, Luna spoke directly to me. “Nightmare, I beg of you, do not reveal any sudden attractions you have towards my sister while we share a body.”

Luna’s accusation made me straighten up and out. “What?” I asked before I got a very wrong mental image in my head of Celestia pinning me to the bed with a lecherous look in her eyes. “Oh Nightmare Moon. How I’ve wanted this for so long! Make a mare out of me!”

The horror show that followed made me cry out in terror. “GAAAH! No! No way. No how. Absolutely not!” I shouted at my reflection in the white marble table. “I am in no way, shape or form attracted to your sister! Or anypony else for that matter!”

“Well, you do tend to stare at her plot a lot.”

Before I could counter Luna’s argument with the fact that Tia’s ass was impossible not to look at with the way it filled half a room, the door opened to admit the Canterlot Council. Just like the EC, the CC was made up of nothing but unicorns. Although with this being Canterlot, I felt that a governing group of nothing but horny ponies was a bit more justified.

And…okay, maybe I was being a little hard on the Equestrian Council and it’s pure unicorn membership. It wasn’t as if they actually had the power to do anything after all. Since their only duty was to report to Celestia, the group seemed more like glorified messengers than anypony of real importance. The earth ponies and the pegasi were obviously too sensible to waste members of their tribes on glorified mailmares.

Of course the darker part of my reasoning that there was also a chance that they were secretly controlling the nation by keeping information from Celestia and making decisions in her name for their own greedy ends. But…they were ponies. They couldn’t be that evil and manipulative.

Well…unless they were dealing with another species. Then it was all mind control and whatever other trick they had up their sleeves.

But that was something to consider when a pair of golden doors weren’t suddenly swinging open to admit a group of well-to-do members of the Canterlot elite. I recognized Blueblood and Fancy Pants of course. There were probably a few other ponies that went to a dinner party that Rarity attended as well, but…who remembers those background ponies?

The big stallion with the blue mane and mustache blinked so hard his monocle nearly fell off. “Ah, Princess Luna and Nightmare Moon,” Fancy said in surprise. “What an unexpected honor. To what do we owe your company?” The fact that he addressed us as separate entities, one of the reasons why Fancy managed to hold onto the title of most tolerable Canterlot unicorn.

Of course I had met with the guy a few times before over the past several weeks. He was placed somewhere high up in Equestria’s foreign policy department, as he found ‘lesser’ species charming to deal with. Which was a bit of a black mark on his personality for me. But he was a Canterlot noble after all, if a more friendly and polite version.

And…yeah, I put ponies on a pedestal above everything else on the mud ball I was currently occupying too, but…it was different with me since I wasn’t technically a pony and the Equestrians really were the best species this planet had to offer according to my completely objective and factual views. So...my outsider's view made me saying ponies were better than everything else just a statement of fact, nothing more.

Luna decided to address the question before I could hide my sort-of displeasure at seeing more of the nobility shuffle in to put their plots down on their golden cushioned chairs. “There is a huge omission concerning the medical care here in Canterlot that Nightmare wishes us to address personally.”

“Ah, jolly good then,” he replied before taking his seat, the last of the ponies to do so.

Next to Fancy, Blueblood knocked his hoof on the table the way I had seen him do minutes before to begin the meeting. “Yes, yes. We will move your request up on the docket after taking care of prior business raised at the last council meeting,” he said before looking over to a unicorn with a dark blue coat and silvery mane I didn’t recognize sitting next to him. “Which was…what again?”

The mystery unicorn reached down to pull out a small book and leafed through it before his face lit up. “Ah, here it is,” he replied before clearing his throat. “Due to the increased prosperity of our nation and city in particular, a motion was made to increase the compensation for the time spent in council to better reflect our contribution to society. We settled on…let’s see here…ah! Fifteen thousand bits, annually.”

As I tried to remember if that was a lot for ponies, Blueblood looked over to Blue Mystery with a scowl. “Preposterous! Our annual compensation for these blasted councils is one-hundred and fifty thousand! How can a tenth of that be an increase?! I shan't vote in favor of such a thing!”

I…blinked. “Wait a second, you’re giving yourselves a raise?” I always found it a little odd that people in charge could do that.

Mystery Blue Pony looked away from Blueblood and over to me for a second, then back down to his notes. “Oh! Right, sorry. The Princess is correct. I see now, it’s a fifteen-thousand bit increase to our current compensations.”

Right on top of him, Blueblood spoke up. “Ah! Much better then. Thank you for your correction to this fool’s misinterpretations Princess Nightmare. All in favor?”

“Aye,” most of the unicorns in the room said while I glowered at them silently. Something told me this was going to be a long day.

An hour later, and the events had proven my assessment of the way things were going correct. After the ponies had finished giving themselves more money because there was an increase in tax revenue for the year, they moved onto a matter which I actually gave a damn about: ensuring proper care for all ponies in Canterlot, regardless of tribe.

Sure, I was mainly focused on the pegasi side of things, but if the earth ponies had their own obvious difference that needed special attention when it came to medical care, I would have advocated for that too. But since they lucked out in that department, and another one considering their tougher bodies could stand up to more punishment than your average pegasus or unicorn, they didn’t need a special doctor to cater to their needs.

And of course, the argument the mare Medical Mirchel and her stallion Finical Planner had always came down to…

“Princess, please understand, it simply isn’t cost effective to require every hospital in Canterlot to have a doctor that caters to less than ten percent of the city’s population when we already have a pony who can take care of such things!”

I glared at the little pony and…

“Cost effective? COST EFFECTIVE? I’LL COST EFFECT YOU! YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A LOVING PONY!” I shouted before grabbing the creature denying medical care to little kids in my magic and slamming him into the table hard enough to make his horn snap off before I teleported the prick to Cloudsdale to get his broken horn treated.

…let out a long sigh at the roundabout argument that had been going on for a good half hour at the least while I busied my mind with the pleasurable mental imagery of breaking bones and everything opposing me crying out in pain.

But on the outside, I simply said. “Look, I understand that hospitals need to be properly compensated for their work,” I replied. “And I’ve been watching and giving you little ponies nightmares for centuries while Luna has been locked away inside of me, so I’m not as out of date when it comes to things like her.”

Sure it was a lie, but I needed some way to explain why she was speaking in ye olden tongue and I knew all the current lingo. Even if Celestia and Luna were fed the total amnesia line, I could just flat out tell them I was lying to the nobles so they couldn't side-step my concerns.

“So you’re not going to just write me off with some ‘we know what we’re doing old-timer’ line,” I went on. “And I agree that medical professionals should have a good amount of bits given to them in return for the specialized work it took them years of study to get around to that probably put some major debt on their shoulders. But every place of care should have the staff to take care of every major foreseeable medical emergency! The fact that you just write off the pegasi because there aren’t that many of them in town is preposterous!” And a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy at that. Who wanted to live in a town that couldn't treat your broken limbs?

“But-but where are we supposed to get the bits for the extra staff and equipment that will require?” one of the rich unicorns on the right side of the table demanded.

I narrowed my eyes at the room full of ponies that had just allocated a collective sum of one-hundred and fifty thousand bits into their pockets on top of the millions they were already collecting just for sitting in a room for a few hours a day. “Hey Luna,” I called out to my body’s owner.

“Yes Nightmare?” my mouth replied.

“You can still make royal decrees with the full authority of the crown and just bypass the local authority of the council by making laws on a national level, correct? Including the distribution of government funds?” I asked sweetly as every other face in the room started to look like they swallowed a lemon.

Luna was silent for few seconds. “Well…yes. You speak true. Why doth thou ask?”

“N-Now wait a moment Princess!” a white mare with blue hair named Glittering Diamond called out as she stood up with a fearful expression written all over her face. “P-Princess Luna. I’m sure that we can find a means to acquiesce to Nightmare Moon’s request without needing to go to such lengths! Right everypony?”

As all the ponies in the room began to nod in agreement, I got a weird feeling in my gut while they actually started to look at the Canterlot budget to cut some of the fat and move a few funds around here and there to find enough money to bring in an extra doctor or two along with a bit of medical equipment for the special attention pegasi would need.

Was it fact they were channeling a few funds from every other place that wasn’t their salaries? The fact I had to threaten to use the power given to a single ruler to overturn that of the several officials to get what I wanted done? Or maybe it was the ease in which they folded when I threatened to start poking around, only raising my suspicions that something was indeed going on behind Celestia’s back at the local levels that she didn’t really look into.

Whatever the case, I didn’t like it.

No, I didn’t like it one bit.

The meeting with the Canterlot Council left me feeling…well, not drained as I walked down the hallway of the office building to my next appointment, barely concerned with all the little ponies that were giving me wide-eyed looks of astonishment at seeing the goddess of their nightmares trotting around a minor municipal building relating to the weather control of a podunk little town most ponies couldn‘t even find on a map…

It was more like I was suspicious of those ponies running things in the shining city on the hilltop. From the looks of things, I had Luna’s work cut out for her when it came to checking up on things to ensure the continued prosperity of Equestria.

But then came the question of: should I interfere?

I mean, I sure as hell didn’t notice any major structural changes to Equestrian society back in the day when I had two legs instead of the four I was borrowing. Even the return of the Crystal Empire didn’t seem to cause too much of a stir beyond the fact its sudden appearance probably gypped Manehattan or some other city out of the Equestria Games.

If I went mucking around with Equestrian society…well…my mind kept going back to that movie where Spider Man and some other chick got sucked into a black and white television show. One little sexual act, and all of a sudden, their star basketball team that had never lost a game couldn’t even make a single shot!

What if I ended up doing that to Equestria?

What if I ended up turning all the little ponies into a bunch of sex-crazed horses that constantly acted like they were in heat and-and and then…I dunno…got Twilight pregnant or something?

Images of a bloated purple unicorn, forever denied her wings because she decided to turn away from Celestia’s teachings in favor of getting ridden by some strange stallion made me tremble in fear.

Or worse, she could end up on the Apple Farm, spending the rest of her life using her exceptional magical potential to just pick fruit between raising all the youngins that Big Mac put inside of her! Her future as a global leader and savior, thrown away to pick apples!

But even worse than that! She could end up with some stupid hot pegasus whose presence makes her just lose ninety-nine-point-nine-nine-nine percent of her IQ and squeal like some stupid fan girl before she followed him around so long he finally said yes, knocked her up, and then left the poor mare to raise the bastard foal on her own!

No! NO! I couldn’t let something like that happen to Twilight! No matter what the cost to Equestria might be!

A double door to my left opened in front of me, taking me out of the horrible futures that I might doom Equestria to. “Oh, Princess Luna, Nightmare Moon, you’re here,” the little purple pony told me with a happy smile that seemed to light up the simple green sundress she had on. The fact that the pony was wearing clothes spoke volumes about how important this was to be professional. “Good. Rainbow Dash is going to need all the support she can get.”

I looked over to the little unicorn, and plopped down on the floor to reach over and lay some supportive fetlocks on her shoulders. “Don’t worry Twilight! I won’t let anything bad happen to you!” I assured her while destroying the various mental images of her futures where she lay shattered, restrained, or alone. That little purple pony was going to shine like the stars on her butt if I had anything to say about it!

“Um…thanks?” she replied with a confused expression on her tilted face. “But…we really need to be supportive of Rainbow Dash right now.”

Luna took control of our mouth to speak. “Pay no mind to Nightmare Moon, Twilight Sparkle. She is having one of her…I believe the term is, episodes.”

I reasserted control, and looked over to my left shoulder. “Hey! I just had an important revelation about the destiny of Equestria, and our role in the greater scheme of things!”

“Well…can you tone it down for a little bit?” Twilight asked before she looked back into the room and off to the side at something I couldn’t quite see. “Rainbow Dash is really worried.”

An indignant cry came from inside the room. “N-No I’m not!”

I took a deep breath, let it out slowly, and nodded my head. “I’m sorry,” I apologized. “Can we come in?”

Twilight stepped aside to let me and Luna through into the small room. To be honest, it wasn’t as bad as I imagined. Instead of a big threatening courtroom-like setup with three judges stands and a place for the witness to sit, I found the room set aside for this little review was a Spartan as possible. A long basic table sat on the other end of the room with three little chairs low enough to be used by ponies comfortably while a smaller table was off to the side of the room by the door with two chairs for Twilight and Rainbow. Next to Twilight’s table, a discarded pair of saddlebags with her cutie mark laid on the floor.

The pegasus looked as immaculate as I had left her thanks to the ‘curse’ that kept Rainbow’s mane and wardrobe from getting out of whack. Still, she did seem a little more jittery than what was normal for her usual eight-year-old level of ability to told still. So I stepped forward and put a wing over her back.

“I’ll be okay Rainbow,” I assured her as gently as I could manage. “I’m sure the board will see how great a weather pony you are, and put you back in charge of Ponyville’s weather in a snap. Then it’ll be back to all that cloud busting and planning the town's weather in no time!”

Twilight cleared her throat, causing me to look at her. “Technically, Rainbow isn’t in charge of the weather for Ponyville. She’s just the head weatherpony. All the weather plans come from Canterlot since we’re in its district.”

As I mulled over the correction, a thought occurred to me. “So wait…what about Cloudsdale? I thought they handled weather for Equestria.”

“Well of course they do,” Twilight replied with a little nod. “But regional decisions are made by the districts themselves. I mean, can you imagine the mess it would be if every pegasus had to report to a moving city for hearings over minor infractions?”

I nodded. “I suppose I see your point.” Although, they fact that we were meeting in Canterlot made me dread what was going to come through the opposite end of that door. With the way things had been going, I really wouldn’t have been surprised if a bunch of horn-heads just trounced right in to tell a pegasus how cloud bucking should be done.

With my expectations successfully set, I perked up my ears when I heard a door open. However, instead of watching a bunch of puffed up unicorns waddle in to sit upon their seats of judgment in Rainbow’s case, I looked back behind me to see the door I had come through to admit yet another pony. She was a very light brown, or tan if you prefer, with a mane of fake-gray covering her head and some spectacles covering her eyes. Needless to say, I was a little surprised to find Mayor Mare appearing at the meeting.

And judging by how she looked up at me and Luna with wide eyes before prostrating herself on the ground so fast I wondered if she left an indentation of her nose in the carpet, she hadn’t been expecting to see me either. “P-Princess! Oh, there was no need for you to attend this meeting personally Your Highness! I-I am more than capable of-”

I groaned and held up a hoof to shut her up before she could continue. Just because I wasn’t all that familiar with the Ponyville mayor didn’t mean I liked seeing her grovel. “Oh get up already. And of course I’d come here for Rainbow Dash.”

The mayor cleared her throat and back away, although her head was still lowered. “Ahem. Yes, of course. Forgive me for not noting the full seriousness of the infraction. Of course you would want to ensure that the proper-”

Whatever the mayor was going to say was cut off when the door opened to reveal, to my pleasant surprise, a dark gray pegasus stallion with a short orange mane! An actual pegasus in Canterlot that had some say in the way the weather was going to work. A pony with a job given to him that actually made some sense! It was…

It was…

…something that only got my hopes up since a pair of unicorn mares with dark colors followed him in to sit to his right and left before he pulled out a pretty good sized folder of papers from under his wing to drop it on the table. Then, he took a look around the room, and froze in wide-eyed astonishment when he saw me. “P-Princess Nightmare Luna! W-We didn’t expect you to come personally your highness.”

Okay, once was a little…odd. But hearing practically the same thing come from two different ponies was just plain freaky. Not the whole groveling and surprised part, I was kind of used to that from non-Ponyville ponies, but hearing it a second time made me catch something. It was almost as if they knew I had a reason for showing up.

And as I mulled that bit of information over, Luna decided to keep us from looking like a mute idiot. “Why would we not take an interest in Rainbow Dash’s continued place within the weather patrol?”

The stallion slunk down under Luna’s gaze, and quickly opened the folder in front of him to bring up the paperwork like a shield. “Um…y-yes of course. Pardon me for m-my um…question, Your Highness.”

This time, I didn’t give the pony an ‘it’s alright nod’ to help ease his nerves.

“N-Now, let’s begin so we can get this over quickly, and the princess can return to performing her royal duties,” the stallion announced before he looked over to Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle as they two of them sat down. “And may I ask what the mare by Ms Dash is doing here?”

Twilight looked over to the pegasus. “Oh! I’m here to offer council to Rainbow during the hearing your honor.”

“This is hardly a trial Ms…”

Picking up on the cue, the purple unicorn nodded. “Twilight Sparkle, sir.”

“Ms Sparkle,” the pony replied. “This is not a trial. Ms Dash does not need some kind of lawyer…yet, anyway.” The way the pony glanced over in my general direction made me frown.

“Perhaps not sir,” Twilight countered. “But I can cite over one-hundred instances where an Equestrian weather employee was allowed to bring in a specialist to help in their defense and-”

A little tired of this whole thing already, I spoke up in an authoritative tone before Twilight could finish. “She can stay.”

The three ponies on the other side of the room looked over to me for a moment, and then nodded. “Very well Princess. We shall allow it under your…ahem. Now, getting onto business,” he said before finishing the previous sentence. Which really made me wonder if the pegasus was going to call my order a request, or a demand.

The stallion looked over to my little Dashie with a frown. “Rainbow Dash, over the course of your career there have been numerous complaints about you, ranging from your lackluster performance while on the job, misuse of clouds, and unauthorized redistribution of weather, as well as your latest infraction, an inability to keep weather on schedule.”

As the pegasus took a breath, Rainbow reared up to her hind legs to slam her hooves down on the table in front of her. “WHAT?” she demanded. “Who the buck’s been saying all that junk about me?”

“Rainbow, control yourself!” Twilight pleaded to the nicely-dressed mare.

The pegasus cleared her throat. “Over the past several years, we’ve received many complaints from pegasi in Ponyville’s weather team that you…ah, here it is,” he said before reading off one of the pages. “Take frequent naps during working hours.”

“I still get the job done!” Rainbow shot back.

“There have been several reports of ponies saying that you use thunderheads to…prank them, it says here?” the stallion asked before he moved the age over to the unicorn on his left when she whispered something into his ear.

Rainbow let out a groan. “Hey, we got to get rid of those extra storm clouds somehow!”

“And then there’s your unauthorized re-distribution of weather,” the stallion went on. “There have been several complaints by one Carrot Top that you frequently take rain meant for her farm and use it to water one Sweet Apple Acres instead.”

The feathers on blue mare’s wings ruffled. “That’s because Carrot Top always orders way too much! She has a garden, Applejack has a whole orchard!”

“On top of which, there is your inability to keep the weather on schedule,” the pegasus stallion went on.

Dash rolled her eyes. “Well I’d like to see you try and work weather near the Everfree! Keeping everything on schedule with that forest around is impossible!”

It was then that Twilight finally spoke up. “That is the truth sir and ma’ams,” she said before pulling a stack of papers out of her saddlebag that was on the floor next to her. “If you will allow, I can show you all several meteorological studies from numerous towns close to the Everfree proving that the untamed weather of the forest, from wild winds to rogue storms that make any long or short-term weather schedules more and more of an impossibility the more distant the date is from the current one.”

“And there was the latest complaint that the Mayor of Ponyville filed against you on-”

Before the stallion could finish, Rainbow Dash was back up on her hind legs in outrage. “YOU?” she demanded as she scowled at the pony in question. “You’re the one that’s made me drag myself down here? What the hay Mayor?”

Instead of the light brown pony defending herself, the stallion cleared his throat again. “Ms Dash, if you would sit down and listen until I finish,” the other pegasus in the room went on. “The Ms Mare filed the complaint on behalf of Princess Luna, who expressed displeasure about a rainstorm you ordered to be made twice as strong as what was set by the schedule, during a royal visit nonetheless!”

The room fell silent for a few seconds. The blue pony in her cute little dress looked over to me with wide eyes and a down-turned mouth that made me feel a knife plunge into my heart almost as hard as the one Rainbow obviously felt drive into her back.

“P-Princess-” Rainbow Dash begin as I felt a tingle in Luna’s leg before it raised up on its own and stomped down on the ground half a second before Luna spoke with our mouth.

“TIS A LIE!”

The shout had the desired effect. Everypony in the room, even Dash and Twilight flinched at Luna’s anger before she went down to a less deafening level of speech. “We ordered no such documentation sent to the weather office! How-ugh, Nightmare! Turn our head to face Ponyville’s mayor so we might loom over her!” the horse goddess demanded.

I was happy to comply. A moment later, the mayor was back to cowering on the floor as we stood over her. I even spread Luna’s wings for that whole menacing effect while Luna spoke. “How dare you attach our name to such an accusation, and persecute our dearest friend in such a way!”

“Dearest friend?” I heard Twilight whisper.

“Uh…long story,” Rainbow replied in an equally low tone.

Meanwhile, the pony in front of me was attempting her best to form a coherent sentence. “B-But your highness, y-you yourself said that the storm was too strong, and-”

“And that it twas a minor thing!” she yelled on top of the elected official, putting her back into cower mode. “I have faced dark horrors the likes of which you could never hope to know, and yet you believe that mere water would be enough to cause me or my sister such discomfort that we would seek to strip a pony of her purpose in retaliation? If the rain had truly been a problem for us, we would have simply shut off the cloud for a moment before leaving thine little hamlet!”

With Mayor Mare sufficiently quelled, Luna had us look back to the ponies on the review board. “And you! While I cannot defend Rainbow Dash’s slothfulness, every other complaint you have brought to this room is laughable,” she went on while I pointed our hoof at the pegasus in the middle of the far table. “My sister and I once dwelled within the Everfree, and know its effects on the weather better than anypony. The fact that Rainbow Dash and her fellow pegasi are able to keep to any semblance of schedule at all is reason for commendation, not thine condemnation! Now let this be an end to these proceedings so that she may return to Ponyville and resume her duties as lead weathermare.”

“B-But, the complaints about weather distribution and misuse of clouds-”

“I SAID LET THIS BE AN END TO IT!” the princess shouted before the other pony could finish, making him duck under the table.

And so, the great uncertainty in the future employment of Rainbow Dash was brought to a close...with the pegasus pretty much getting a blank check to act up however she wanted on the job with no fear of repercussions thanks to Luna’s backing.

Of course Twilight grumbled about the whole thing on her way back to the royal lunar quarters, mostly about how all that research had been a waste of time and how it seemed a little strange that only after the last complaint filed against Rainbow Dash was made that the ponies did anything about her.

But, I had the answer to that one.

“It’s because Luna made the complaint,” I told Twilight as I finished helping Rainbow out of her dress and jewelry to just toss it all on the oversized pony bed for later pickup.

“We made no such complaint!” Luna said right on top of me.

I sighed and rolled my eyes. “Look, if there’s one thing I’ve learned while in Equestria, if a pony has a royal title to their name and happens to be twice as big as your average pony, then everypony else scrambles around like crazy at just the hint of displeasure,” I said before moving on before Twilight could ask another question. “And considering how bad Everfree weather is, I’m betting ponies were willing to overlook everything else Dash did because she could handle the job when most couldn’t.”

From her place beside me, Rainbow nodded. “Yeah, I am pretty awesome.”

Twilight sighed. “Some of those complaints were valid Rainbow. You do tend to sleep a lot.”

“Yeah, when I’m done with my work,” she countered.

“Like when I first came to Ponyville and you hadn’t cleared a single cloud?” Twilight deadpanned.

Rainbow took a moment to think back to that fateful day, and then looked back at Twilight. “That was different. I was doing stunt practice.”

After a few seconds of giving the pegasus a strained look, Twilight let out a groan and shook her head. But she was looking Rainbow in the eye a few seconds later. “Okay, you know what? I’m helping you with your weather rescheduling from now on. We can even include margins of error for when the Everfree does cause a problem.”

“Huh?”

“And your day scheduling, and training schedule,” she said before wrapping the pegasus up in her magic and carrying Rainbow behind her towards the door. “Now come on, we need to go and catch the train back to Ponyville before it leaves.”

“H-Hey Twilight, put me down! I can fly on my own.”

I decided not to follow the girls and see them off. Not because of the huge crowd that ‘Princess Nightmare Luna Moon’ would obviously attract. It was because the short half a day I had to do things was quickly running out, and the only thing I had managed to do was find out just how much I had to accomplish in light of recent revelations.

The little incident with Rainbow’s review board had taught me something. I was going to change things. Not because I wanted to, but because I was currently sharing a body with Princess Luna. Ponies took notice of Princess Luna, and every little thing she did made a Mothra-sized butterfly effect. Hell, the littlest of side comment had almost cost Rainbow Dash her job!

So I could either just stay in Luna’s room from sunup to sundown, then do whatever the hell she wanted when night came, or I could go out into the world with the knowledge that even my slightest action was going to change things, and do my best to take control of it.

With my choice being pure inaction in Equestria, or playing with the pretty ponies…well, it really wasn’t much of a choice at all, was it?

Okay…so…what to do first? I asked myself inside my own head.

I remembered something about flying tribbles attacking Ponyville, but…Pinkie would deal with it well enough. Although…it was a shame that Princess Celestia had missed her official visit because of the little buggers thanks to their attack in another town. I had to wonder if there was something I could do about that.

Poison grain reserve maybe? Luna could make a royal order that every major city in Equestria to have an emergency food storage area in case one town faced a disaster and needed something to get them through Winter.

Then there was…what?

Winter hadn’t even come yet, and from what I remembered, the Running of the Leaves wasn’t until the start of Winter so…was Rainbow Dash supposed to do her Rainboom next? I really didn’t want to do anything to fuck that incident up, so it was probably best to stay away from it.

The same went for Pinkie and Twilight’s theological argument about her Pinkie Sense, and then there was…Rarity.

Okay, I didn’t see much danger when it came to seeing Rarity make her dresses for the girls. If anything, any interference there could only be a good thing if I showed up and told her to get some sleep.

But the more I thought about things, the more my old fears returned. Sure, I would try and mitigate the damages and all that, but…what if I really screwed something up? Something big.

Like…what if Twilight didn’t become an alicorn because I kept poking at the path the ponies were supposed to travel?

What if Equestria Girls didn’t happen?

What if I intercepted Sunset Shimmer the night she was due back and go her to make up with Celestia instead of having to live in exile for the rest of her life?

…

…

…

Okay, maybe that last one wasn’t so bad.

But if I was going to start doing something about all the crap that was about to go down, then I needed to start making some plans.

And maybe find a certain journal with a red and gold sun on the cover.

I Discover a Disturbing Fact About the Nature of My Reality

Unfortunately, saving a wayward teen from another dimension while keeping the pony whose body I shared on the down low and attempting to ferret out all the problems in Equestria while at the same time doing everything Luna needed me to do ended up being a LOT harder than I thought it was going to be. But what made it even worse was the fact that looking through an endless amount of books after a thorough search of Tia’s room during some sisterly bonding time that I insisted on turned up nothing in the way of Sunset communication literature. And that added up to me starting to lose my enthusiasm for being a pretty pony princess.

Yeah, the magic was still cool and all, but more and more it was like my life was being pulled away from that happy go lucky high I had been on since ending up in Equestria, and actually resembling work! Real, hard, backbreaking, evil work!

On top of THAT, there was my need to keep in contact with my best friend! A task I had become a little negligent since Rainbow’s accident. Ponies weren’t the kind of species that were like one visitation a week and done. Oh no, I had to visit with Princess Cadance at least every other day to keep our relationship intact. Not that I didn’t like meeting with her, but still, it cut into my limited time and had to be done. If something had to be done, it was work. And work was evil.

And did I mention all the other changes I had to talk Luna into making for Equestria? I wasn’t technically a princess and had no real political authority despite the fact that Lulu had been rubber stamping all of my ‘suggestions’ since I had ended up on Horse World after all. So, yeah. Needed approval from the princess. And as the days went by, it turned out she didn’t just rubber stamp everything I thought up.

Then there were Luna’s other duties I had to attend to, like…

“TWILIGHT SPARKLE!” Celestia thundered as she stood overlooking Ponyville, ablaze in magic that made her coat glow golden while her hair whipped about like fire. She cast her gaze over the immaculate little hamlet that was awash with decorations, set out the finest of possible foods, and displayed every other finery they could manage. But next to the glory of the sun goddess, compared to even the smallest of lavish things she was offered on a daily basis in Canterlot, it was an insult. Less than nothing. “YOU THINK THAT THIS WOULD PLEASE ME? YOU THINK THAT SUCH A MEAGER SHOWING WOULD BE WORTH EVEN A MICROSECOND OF MY TIME?”

In front of the blazing goddess, the little purple unicorn cowered with her belly laid out on the ground as she looked up at her mentor and trembled. “I-I’m sorry. I’m sorry! I tried my best princess.”

“Well your best wasn’t good enough, was it? And for your measly attempt…” the flaming horse goddess replied in a harsh tone before she raised a hoof as if to step on Twilight. On the bottom of the blazing pony’s horse slipper, three lines burned red hot. “You shall receive an F!”

“Nooooooooo!” Twilight cried out in horror as the F brand on the bottom of Celestia’s shoes descended upon her. It was at this time that I couldn’t really take anymore. I stepped between the two of them before I raised my hoof to block the nightmarish version of Luna’s big sister that was about three sizes too tall.

The shoe wasn’t hot, and despite Celestia being more than twice the size she should have been, she had no strength behind her push. I sighed at the feeble attempt to hurt me with such a cold hoof, controlled by a large, but physically incapable pony.

“Twilight,” I spoke gently while easily holding off the weak blazing pony with her cold fire, which totally wasn’t hot at all. “Twilight, would you look up here for a second?”

The little purple pony that was covering her head with her forelegs took a moment to look up at me while I easily held dream-Celestia’s not-so-hot hoof of doom at bay with only a fraction of my true strength. “P-Princess Luna? W-What’s going on?”

If I had been doing anything important, I might have been a little put off by Twilight’s question. But the colossal Celestia that I was dealing with wasn’t all that hot, or strong either. So I just smiled back at her. “You’re dreaming Twilight,” I told her before looking back at the Celestia who only looked like her touch would turn anything that got near her to ash.

But looks weren’t everything. In reality, she was just producing a slightly uncomfortable warmth while pushing down on me with a level of strength even a baby could have outdone.

“Although,” I went on while ignoring what might have been a slight discomfort in my hoof. “I’m kind of worried about you. I mean…is this how you really see Tia?”

I could maybe understand the size and display of power she was showing. Twilight had first met the Princess when she was just a little girl after all, it made sense that scale of size would stick with her subconscious mind for a few dozen years. Although how she even began to think of the playful pony Celestia as some tyrannical authority figure, blazing with enough power to set the town on fire I-

Oh shit, I thought to myself as my hoof went from slightly uncomfortable to feeling as if it was on fire before I grabbed Twilight and leapt out of the way of Celestia’s fiery appendage before it crashed down onto the grass where we were standing and created a nicely-sized crater.

“Wha?” the little purple pony in my grip said as we landed, and I felt the painful sensation that accompanied burns a second later. “What’s going on?”

“GAAA! Hot! Hot! Hot!” I said while standing on three legs shaking my right hoof like I meant it.

“Somepony decided to let herself be caught up in the dream,” Luna chided me as she explained the situation to Twilight.

After the pain disappeared and my body healed completely from me shaking my hoof around, because that’s what happened when a pony did that sort of thing, I glared at the dream construct of Celestia and worked a spell Luna had taught me through my horn. “Yeah well, if we had just gone with my idea from the get go, we’d already be done!” I said before pointing the glowing pointy extrusion at Celestia.

“And as I said, thy dream manipulation is much too crass and oafish to provide any true resolution. The dreamer should confront her fears and doubts, not simply have their manifestation washed away,” Luna told me before I hit Celestia in the chest with my magical dream-deathray.

I caught the tail end of a bright flash as I raised my head, and the blazing rage version of Celestia was gone. “Yeah, but my way’s quicker and cooler,” I said before looking back to Twilight. “Hey Purple Smart, you okay?”

Twilight got on her hooves and looked up at me with a frown. “Purple Smart?”

“Do not ask me where she gets such names,” Luna deadpanned. “Even with Nightmare dwelling within my mind, her thoughts are a mystery to me.”

The little unicorn that was somehow terrified of the most gentle creature in existence, that being Celestia, stood there for a few moments, looking us over. “Wait a minute. If this is a dream, how is it the two of you are still sharing a body?” she asked. “From what I’ve read about dream manipulation magic, this is all a mental construct. So…shouldn’t Luna be able to manifest herself?”

I…blinked. As Luna’s foremost (and only) student on dreams, I had to say that Twilight had a point. Although things were a bit more complex than the basic ‘think it and do it’ instruction that they had doled out when all the little ponies went to Slumber Land, there was nothing from really stopping Luna from at least creating a kind of dream avatar that she could manipulate via her will. Both Fluttershy and Twilight had done it with the dream-Angel and the library of attack-books.

But...there was still tons of stuff I didn’t know about the magic of unconsciousness. “Hey, can you do that?” I asked her after turning my head back to look at myself.

Luna was silent for a minute before she go back to me. “Well, now that you are no longer repressing me. Such a thing might be possible. But…I believe I will require your cooperation.”

“Okay,” I agreed, maybe sounding a bit too enthusiastic. If this worked, it would open up a whole new world of guilt relief for me still being in control of Luna’s body. For several hours a day while we slept, Luna could be out roaming whatever lucid dream we decided to make. Lucid dreams kind of being the norm when you were a nightmarish creature from beyond the 4th wall that was currently in possession of a moon goddess.

“Now, simply picture me standing in front of you, whole and completely in control of myself,” Luna instructed before going silent again.

I did like she said, and closed my eyes. I imagined her cute little light purplish coat, the short and stylish silver-blue mane she had in the Castle of the Two Sisters, her regalia with the moon symbol on it, and of course that unique butt symbol on top of the inkblot. I willed her to manifest in front of me.

No, she was standing in front of me at this very moment.

She was!

WAS!

She-

“Success! We have-Gaaah!”

I opened my eyes in surprise to see the cutest little pony in the world standing in front of me. Just as I had imagined, Luna was wearing her adorable little crown, shoes and torc with the moon symbol on it. As I had been around ponies for awhile now, I could say without a doubt that Luna was the epitome of graceful beauty. She was slim without being scrawny, well-defined and possessing of a regal stance.

Even though her stature was…less than royal.

“Princess Luna?” Twilight squawked as she looked down at the little pony that was nearly a head shorter than the unicorn. Smaller than she had been in the show. And much more adorable. “Is that really…you?”

Said princess let out a little growl. “No!” she squeaked before pausing to look down at herself for a second. “Well…yes. And no!” Then, she looked over to me with a frown. “You were supposed to give unto me the appearance I had when we joined together one-thousand years ago! Not this…mockery of how I appeared before I began raising the moon! And-ah…huh, that is odd.”

I cringed and drew in on myself. A big part of me felt like kicking myself for making Luna angry, but when she stopped talking to wobble around a little bit, I rushed over and put my hooves on her shoulders. “Luna! What’s wrong? Are you okay?” I got ready to undo the little Luna in front of me in an instant.

Unless, that would hurt her.

Would that hurt her?

I didn’t know.

Stupid dream magic crash course.

The little alicorn reached up to pat me on the fetlock and sighed. “Tis fine. I am still…seeing from the eyes in our head, as well as from the perspective of this body. The effect of looking at one’s self is…very strange.”

“Should we try and fix it?” I asked, completely unsure of just what we could do for this, other than remove dream-Luna’s body from the equation. But then the question of if that would hurt her came into my mind again.

The tiny goddess shook her head. “No. Tis something I will have to become used to is all,” she said softly before looking back up at me with a glare. “And do not think for a single moment thy concern has made me put my anger for this form that has been crafted for me aside! To quote your own words, is this how you truly see me?”

That got a little flinch out of me. I knew that Luna had tons of pride. Being put into the body of something approaching a filly probably rubbed her the wrong way. “What?” I asked as I reared back just a bit before getting down face to face with Luna. “No! Of course not! You know I respect the hay out of you Luna! I just…um…well…”

I stalled, trying to think of an excuse as to why I put Luna into an uber-cutie body instead of one that demanded respect like her season 2 form. But, I realized I already had the perfect excuse. “I have no real memory of what you look like, remember?” I asked, hoping that Luna would still buy the amnesia excuse. “All I really had to go on were those old paintings Celestia showed us when we were hanging out in her room playing Monopony.” And I took the time to look for Sunset's book, which Tia didn't have.

Luna groaned and covered her hoof with her face. “Why did I let her show you those?” she mumbled before she looked over to the unicorn. “And no, suffice to say Twilight Sparkle, I should not look as I do now. Nightmare’s interpretation of my appearance was made based off paintings that were old when I was forced to depart Equestria. I am in reality far taller…and possessing of much more beauty.”

“Yeah, but right now you look super cute so…” I tried to resist. I really did. It wasn’t that I considered the quadruped in front of me just a tool for my amusement like I did with our aides, or…whatever the hell Twilight and the others were to me, which I was still trying to figure out. No, I respected Luna, even loved her in a big/little sister kind of way depending on how she acted at any given moment.

But with the cutest little pony on any planet just sitting in front of me with such a pout on her pony-face, I just couldn’t help myself. I lashed out and struck the smaller dream pony to entrap her in my grip before pulling her back. “Somepony needs a hug!” I said before falling back into the grass and wrapping my wings around the little pony pressed up against me a second before smooshing her to my chest.

Luna sighed dejectedly. “Why is it that I can only seem to find anger at myself for not seeing this one coming?”

Twilight giggled at the sight, but stopped suddenly when I felt Luna turn her head to look at her. “Do you find something amusing about Nightmare’s showing of affection Twilight Sparkle?”

“Gurk!” Purple Smart replied as I looked over to see she had frozen up, and was starting to sweat a bit. “Um…no-I mean...I’m sorry Princess Luna!” And with that, Twilight went into a deep bow, and kept it for several second before she raised herself back up. “So um…why are you here again?”

I raised an eyebrow. “You do remember the giant flaming version of Celestia that was going to step on you before we jumped in, don’t you?” I asked, which got a little nod from Twilight. “What was up with that?” Not that I didn’t have my suspensions.

“Well…Princess Celestia is coming to Ponyville tomorrow on an official visit,” Twilight began.

Before she could go on, Luna nodded. “Yes, we are accompanying her at Nightmare’s insistence, as well as Princess Cadance. She will be coming along with her beau as well.”

Twilight’s eyes widened for a few seconds, but she was back under control before another freak-out could occur. “Right. Well…I’m just worried that even if we do everything possible for the princess, she’ll…be disappointed,” the unicorn said as if she were admitting to a crime. “Ponyville is nice, but nothing it has can even hope to compare to Canterlot.”

Luna laughed. I mean just outright laughed. She threw her head back, and just let out burst after burst of HAs that filled the air for a good thirty seconds. And when she was done, the little goddess looked back over to Twilight. “Oh Twilight Sparkle. That…that is just…do you know what my sister says about our last visit to thy home?”

The question immediately put Twilight into cower mode. She crouched down in on herself, and began to shake while offering apologies. “Oh Princess, I’m sorry I didn’t have a big enough bed and made the entirety of Equesria’s higher royalty sleep in the basement! I-I should have-”

Before Twilight could work herself into a frenzy, Luna started talking. “Celestia says it was the most fun she has had in one-thousand years!” the goddess said, stopped Twilight in mid word. “My sister and I adore your little village! I look forward to the next time Nightmare drags me down there so that we might converse with your friends, and I’m amazed it was Celestia that suggested we all go together before her. She wants to sample more of Ms Pie’s treats and engage in an actual conversation with dear Fluttershy instead of getting one syllable replies like the first time they met. We both want to check up on Rainbow to see if she has healed well, and see this orchard of Madam Applejack’s that she was so proud of when a storm hasn’t had its way with the grounds.”

And all of a sudden, I got the odd feeling that I was being a bad influence on the little pony in my forelegs because, she got this grin. This…devilishly mischievous grin. A grin that just spoke of how evil Luna’s next words were going to be as she leapt out of my grip and pulled me upright with her horn to stand just a little bit ahead of her. “And after seeing our body from this angle, there is no doubt in my mind that Rarity will declare that our royal rear is truly the plot perfectly padded for a princess.”

The mention of the Best Alicorn Ass Contest made me tap my chin in thought as Luna took another moment to check herself out. “Oh yeah, we never did settle that argument, did we?”

As Twilight’s look of horror entered a whole new dimension, Luna trotted forward and put on a more serene smile. “It is the ponies and the experiences we will make with them that brings us to Ponyville, Twilight Sparkle,” she said before looking back at the décor for a moment. “Although such efforts are most appreciated in that they show us respect, do not think for a moment any of us wouldn’t find joy in the most common of offerings as long as thy heart was in it.”

Twilight stopped with her freak-out to look down on Princess Luna, a bit of wonder on her face before she smiled back. “I…um…yes. Thank you Princess. I just…”

“No need for explanations Twilight Sparkle,” Luna told her with a friendly laugh before her voice turned a little melancholy. “I know all too well how even the brightest ponies can perceive the ire of an alicorn.”

With the conversation apparently at an end, I looked back down at Twilight. “So, you all calmed down now? No worries about Celestia sudden doubling in size and bursting into flame to stamp Fs all over Ponyville?”

Twilight giggled. “No,” she admitted before looking back where the image had been. “And when you talk about it like that, it does seem kind of silly.”

There was another pause, and the three of us looked around at the dream-town before Twilight said something else. “So…um…what now?”

“Well, truth be told, it is rather late to continue with Nightmare’s dream walking training,” Luna replied. “We only came here after sensing your distress.”

Before Twilight could ask, I volunteered the information. “Luna had me put a little monitoring charm on you and your friends,” I explained. “I know it’s favoritism, but you girls deserve special attention after everything you’ve done for Luna…and when you didn’t beat me to a pulp back at the Everfree.”

Twilight giggled. “I think I was a little too pooped for that…and terrified,” she admitted with a blush.

And then there was yet another pregnant pause.

“So...what have you two been up to since the hearing?” the little unicorn asked.

“Do you not read the papers of news?” Luna replied, which opened the floodgate of topics that we ended up discussing for the rest of the night. Which were a lot, and mostly revolved around several of Luna’s reforms that I had been pushing her towards.

Which…really weren’t all that much when it came to the national budget, unfortunately.

There had been plenty of good work going on between my searching for Sunset’s journal. We assured the presence of a doctor in every Canterlot hospital that could mend a broken wing no matter how damaged as well as up-to-date medical equipment. Each major city in Equestria was currently stocking an emergency grain storage in case of a disaster, with special enchantments on the silos in case something were to try and eat the food before distribution. Manehattan’s orphanage, which I was a little disturbed to find actually existed in Equestria, was being renovated. And we might have been pushing for a new holiday dedicated to the history of Equestria.

But those were all just little things.

Big stuff, like the continued existence of the EUP and all of its offshoots like the Wonderbolts and Royal Guard still had me in the ‘what to do about them’ phase. Keeping a bunch of guys around funded by taxpayer ponies when they were pretty much useless wasn’t fair to the ones forking over the dough. Although...firing thousands of ponies didn’t sit well with me either, especially since ponies had absolutely no job adaptability. Their cutie marks said they did one thing, and if they became obsolete, then that was the end of that.

Ironically, the most useless ponies in our military were the only ones with an argument to keep since Wonderbolt shows actually brought in money with their aerial acrobatics.

But hearing Twilight’s praises made Luna feel happy, so I just let the little alicorn soak up the admiration.

As for Twilight’s half of the conversation, Ponyville had been doing well these past eleven days. Fluttershy was having tea parties with her animals, Rarity was making gowns, Applejack was harvesting this month’s crop of apples, Pinkie was…being Pinkie, and Rainbow was doing pretty much what anyone who knew her would suspect. In other words, she was complaining to Twilight about the unicorn controlling her life one minute before stopping by to talk about Daring Do the next. Twilight was actually a little giddy she had a fellow book nerd to talk to about such things, and was rereading the series with Dash to make sure she could follow the conversation.

But, as the saying went, all good things must come to an end. And as Twilight awoke, I trotted off with Luna so that we could get some sleep.

While in our own shared dream, the princess managed to produce a picture of what she had looked like one-thousand years ago for me to copy and bring out her ‘natural’ form. And although it certainly looked regal, it wasn’t nearly as cute.

We played around a bit, with Luna taking the time to run and fly around before we engaged in a game of tag that was slowly given rules like no teleportation, turning invisible, creating a mini-map that displayed the other player’s location…that kind of stuff.

Then came the time for us to wake up.

And shortly thereafter, things got weird.

Really weird.

Even weirder than talking magic ponies weird.

The midday began as any other in my pony-life. Me and Luna awoke to the sound of our servants, and this time I snatched them both up in the magic of my horn to pull the two ponies into my before holding them both down with our impressive size and strength. They complained a little and struggled a bit, but the two girls laughed about it plenty afterwards…mostly because I might have forced them to. With my feathers.

Then it was off to the bath, where they did a touch up job on my hooves after a long soak and luxurious mane combing. Like every now and then, the girls reminded us that they weren’t professional stylists, but I didn’t care about professional quality grooming. Twinkie and Minuette were our friends, and the company they gave was much valuable important than any skills with a brush or comb.

But all things had a price, and snuggling with Twinkleshine cost us valuable briefing time that she had to make up for on our way to the train station.

Not the breakfast table, the train station. We were going to be eating brunch in Ponyville, and Luna had insisted we take ‘commoner transportation’ after talking with Twilight the night before. Celestia and Cadance would be doing it too. The big white alicorn had been too tired to argue when we burst into her room thirty minutes to sunrise for Luna to make her enthusiastic request of ‘Can we go by train Tia?’ ten times before Celestia managed to wake up and kick us out with a loud yes.

So, we and our aides that would be going to Ponyville too walked towards the exit of the castle grounds when something weird happened.

It stated on the edge of my hearing, with this…sound. That wasn’t really a sound. It was more like a…do da do da do…thing that came from, well…all around me. And then…

One of the guards standing near the gate looked at the other stallion standing next to him while we approached. “So they say Princess Luna’s become a reformer. They say she’s cleaning up the streets.”

“About time,” the other guard agreed.

Not that I thought ponies gossiping the good we were doing was a bad thing. But the way they said it was just…odd. But, I shrugged it off and looked over to my aides. Twinkie had gotten distracted on our way out of the castle by a pair of maids sharing a kiss, and hadn’t stopped talking about Lyra and Bon-Bon with her friend since.

“They that it’s real love,” she said in a…strange way before Minuette and her leapt to their hind legs and hugged before they both spoke together in a…harmonious way. “So romantic.”

I sighed and cleared my throat to get Twinkleshine’s attention. “Oh, right!” she said before rushing over to me and holding up the list of things that needed to be brought to my attention. From what I could remember, it had to do with the donations being gathered up and being delivered to the Manehattan orphanage on the crown’s expense. “So they say they’ll have blankets by Monday, thanks to you.”

And then Minuette just had to jump in with her little gossiping again. “It’s the perfect story. So they say. Finding true love today.”

“By the way, my friends, they’re gay,” Twinkleshine decided to mention when I looked over at her with a frown for getting off track again while we moved into the streets of Canterlot. Which quickly attracted a lot of attention, with us being an alicorn and all.

But as we walked through the streets, getting several surprised looks, I found myself focusing on a pony that kind of stood out from the others, on account of her wings and lack of armor.

“So they say it saved her wings,” one of the pegasus moms I recognized from the hospital commented to what I guessed was a unicorn friend of hers.

“I hear she’s got canines, but doesn’t eat meat,” one of a pair of ponies gossiped as my entourage passed through the quickly clearing street as ponies moved out of Luna’s way to gawk.

“We have no problem with her!” nearly every pony I could see spoke in a…group.

Or maybe a…

Wait a minute, I thought to myself as I realized something. The ponies weren’t just spontaneously talking in a group in a strange pitch and tone while odd noises were going off in the background.

They were…singing…in a chorus, to music that just drifted in on the wind.

Yes...it was a musical.

I had literally just walked into a musical.

And I opened my mouth to…um…comment on it.

As I did, the words just…formed in my mouth. They didn’t force their way through, it just…happened.

“Hey this is kind of nice, I may just indulge myself once or twice,” I said…err, sung. It would be better the second time. With some time to get used to the weird stuff.

Then, as we continued our trek complete with a background musical track, I looked down at my crescent moon emblem. “Hey Lulu, come on. Throw some lines around,” I whispered before raising my head, and my voice. “This is perfect for thee, so they say. You’re more than okay. After years of ignoring, they see, that you, can show them, the way.”

“Oh Nightmare,” Luna spoke with her mouth before jumping on the bandwagon, but in a bad way. “There is no happy ending, no matter what they say…not for me anyway.”

I nearly fell flat on our face. SAY WHAT?

“Please stop pretending, there’s no way to build a brand new-” she sang.

At least before I summoned forth all of my dark powers, and clamped our mouth shut with a snap, then mentally shook Luna’s hands off the voice controls to reassert myself. “Okay, singing’s over!” I shouted right as a screeching sound of a needle being pulled off an old vinyl record assaulted my ears. I turned on the two mares following me around and grabbed them in my magic as I spread my wings. “Buck the uplifting song, we’re going to see Tia about this, NOW!”

After a hop, skip, and a very long jump that didn’t involve me coming down until we had reached the train station. I made my way into the royal car, which looked to be little more than a normal car with all the seats taken out to make room for a pair of couches that ran parallel to the side big enough for me and Tia to park our fat asses, with my little ponies floating upside down in the air behind me before I plopped down on mine and glared at the big alicorn reading a scroll.

I took note of the fact that Cadance was mysteriously absent, but that was hardly important. She could be riding Shining Armor like a bucking bronco in the sleeping car for all I cared at the moment.

The only thing that was important was… “CELESTIA!” I yelled at her, making the other alicorn look up from her reading in surprise. “You need to talk to your little sister!”

If there was anything I learned during that hour and a half long train ride from Canterlot to Ponyville, it was that Luna knew how to be stubborn. An hour of talking, speaking, yakking, pleading and discussing was what it took to finally get her to admit to her problem.

By then, Cadance had made her way in from the front car and conjured up a cloud to use as a seat. Shining was still busy doing his guard duty thing though, protecting three beings with enough power to pretty much step on him without noticing when it came to the power level side of things.

As for Luna, the black alicorn was hanging her head as she talked. “The praises the ponies were singing of were all of your actions Nightmare, not mine,” she said.

After getting back in control of her mouth, I so eloquently expressed my confusion over Luna’s nonsensical jabbering in the most verbose way. “Huh?”

“Okay, I obviously missed something here,” Cadance said as she looked back and forth between us and Celesta.

For her part, Tia let out a sigh and shook her head. “On her way to the train, Luna was swept up in the Music of Harmony that encouraged everypony to congratulate her on all the recent good work she’s done over the past several days.”

“Oh!” Cadance exclaimed as she brightened and looked over to us. “I saw some of the paperwork for those Auntie Luna. I didn’t know if I should have mentioned it, but…it was very admirable of you, ordering that food collection drive for the elderly ponies of Equestria that have trouble getting a good meal since they‘re so infirm.”

I frowned at the mention of the Equestrian meals on wheels idea I pitched to Luna. “That’s gone through? I thought we’d need at least a month of making sure everything’s set up.”

And then Luna spoke. “See? This is what I am speaking of. That was Nightmare’s idea, not mine! Every single thing that ponies have congratulated me on stem from her.”

Once again, I focused on Celestia and waited for her to say something to fix this. She was the older sister. She was the wise and immortal ruler with centuries of experience. She was...just sitting there, chuckling to herself?

The fact that Luna was apparently experiencing the samn damn problem that got her sent to the moon in the first place and Celestia was just giggling about it made me growl. “HEY!” I yelled at the alicorn with flanks the size of the sun. “This isn’t funny Celestia! Luna’s got a real problem here! Remember the last time she got upset about being upstaged by another pony?”

My reminder killed Celestia’s laughter faster than an exploding bullet drenched in cyanide that went off in a person’s head. She gave me an even look for my comment, and let out a sigh. “Luna, who signed all the decrees to make those changes?”

There was a slight tingle in my mouth before Luna slowly uttered a single word. “Me. But they were still all of Nightmare’s ideas!”

“And do you do everything that Nightmare Moon tells you to do?” Celestia went on.

We rolled our eyes. “Of course not Sister,” the goddess replied. Although it was really going to come back and bite us in the ass when the Alicorn Amulet turned up because Luna refused to send a few guards to look through the magical curio shops of Equestria. And don’t even get me started on why she refused to deal with that three handed Aztec monkey-dog.

Although Tia’s question really made me bristle Luna’s coat. “Hey! I don’t tell Luna to do anything!” I corrected her fiercely. “I…” Well, except for one or two times when it was spur of the moment super important stuff. “…make suggestions.”

Celestia smiled and nodded. “Exactly,” the sun goddess chirped happily. “Nightmare Moon is your advisor Luna. She may have more ideas on what to do because she was active during your absence and still retains a working knowledge of Equestria to some extent, but you are the one that makes the decisions. And a good princess listens to her advisors.”

“Says the princess without any,” I snarked before I knew what I was doing. Then I felt like smacking Luna in the face with our hoof. It was times like this that I had to wish Luna stayed in control of her mouth more than her horn.

The comment got a confused look from Celestia. “You think I don’t have ponies offer me advice? Nightmare, you attended a meeting of the Equestrian Council,” she replied. “And if that wasn’t enough for you, come to a Department of Weather meeting. Half the time I can barely keep up with Equestria’s weather so I just nod and stamp what they send me.”

She sighed and shook her head. “Luna…I’m sorry for the giggling. And our ponies are right, the way you’ve been patching up the cracks in the system and having Nightmare work with you since you returned…it just shows how wonderful a princess you are.”

We were silent on the matter for a little bit longer before Luna made us sigh. “I see your point Sister, but…I am not sure…I still feel as if I should not be given thanks for the ideas of another.”

“Oh!” Cadance exclaimed. “Then maybe you should start coming up with some ideas of your own. You and Nightmare Moon have been reading books on modern Equestria for awhile now. It’s probably where she got all of her ideas in the first place.”

I took that excuse and ran with it. Oh how I loved that not-so-little pink pony. “Cadance is right Luna. I just see a problem and do what I can to fix it, and our girls sort out the details. It’s not really all that hard.”

Well, it probably was, but I handed all the hard stuff off to Twinkie and Minuette after giving them the bare bones details of what I wanted done. Me big time producer, them lowly writers chained to a typing machine. Such was the way of things.

Which made me wonder if I should talk Luna into giving the girls a raise, or at least hire more ponies. I wondered if Moondancer would have been up for it.

“Hmmm…I can see you might have a point Nightmare,” Luna finally admitted.

Celestia let out a relieved sigh, and I watched as her wings went a little limp. She…might have been a bit more upset than she had let on. “Good. And now that’s over with, tell me Sister, how goes your attempts at separation from Nightmare Moon? If you do want to get out from under her shadow, then that would be the first step, would it not?”

I shrunk in on Luna’s body at the question. Tia was not about to like the answer I was going to give her.

Luna turned our head away from her sister.

“Luna?” Celestia asked.

We groaned. “Yes, about that Sister,” she said. “At the time…I have decided to reaffirm our joint use of my body until a suitable host for Nightmare can be found.”

To say Celestia was displeased would have been an understatement. “Pardon?”

To save Luna’s hide, and by that I mean my own since we shared it, I took control of her mouth. “Hey she’s the one who decided this, not me!” I still felt guilty over the fact I was the one making her body do nearly everything we did.

Celestia’s mask slipped, and her eyes went into frown mode. “Luna, we talked about this. You and Nightmare Moon need to be separated.”

“And then what Tia?” she demanded. “Shall we force Nightmare into an incorporeal existence? Take away a body she has used for longer than any of our subjects have been alive? Having control of my body is a concern Sister, but I will not let it be at the expense of another that has held it for so long. Besides, as you said tis my body. I may do with it as I wish, including loan it to another.”

Once again, the look of Celestia’s face shifted, and once again, it was anything but pleasant. She looked like she had swallowed a piece of rotten fruit. “While I can not argue your point…I can’t be happy about it either,” she mumbled before raising her volume a bit. “Especially since this perfect solution of yours doesn’t seem to exist! We may not know much about it, but we know the Nightmare needs a body of her own. So how would you suggest we get one that isn’t in use?”

“If the answer were simple sister, then we problem would have already been solved,” Luna replied. “Mayhap I might just have to make one for her myself.”

I…really didn’t like what Luna might have been implying with that comment.

The last ten minutes to Ponyville were spent in almost total silence, with the exception of things being a short conversation I had with Cady, and indulging in my curiosity to find out what Celestia was reading. Apparently Fillydephia had been attacked by a group of voracious insects that tried to eat everything in town.

But then they made the mistake of eating the grain stored where I had suggested Luna build a storage facility. Although it wasn’t poisoned, the sleeping spell defense did its work and knocked out all of the flying tribbles so they could be dealt with properly.

With fire.

Which brought up another little topic as the train came to a stop. “Although I’m afraid there won’t be much to eat during this brunch. Ponyville’s been having a parasprite problem as well,” Celestia said once the brakes had stopped squealing.

“Wait,” I said as something Tia just mentioned started sending off alarm bells in my head. I looked over to Luna’s sister and frowned. “You know about parasprites?” In the show, she had just exclaimed over the supposed cuteness of the creatures as they passed her by.

As my memories of what I knew should be and what was clashed, Tia gave me a look of confusion. “Why wouldn’t I? Luna and I lived in the Everfree Forest for hundreds of years. We’re well acquainted with all its creatures,” she said before looking over to the pink pony princess. “Tell Shining Armor to cast an imploding barrier around Ponyville tailored to a single type of creature. I’ll grab one as to provide a sample. The field will contract and pull them into a manageable mass. Then we can deposit them in the Everfree where they belong.”

Next to the big princess, the little pink one raised an eyebrow. “Won’t they just fly back into town?” she asked. “I may have only read about parasprites, but just shooing them away doesn’t seem like it would do much.”

Celestia nodded. “I suppose we should also put up a few wards that will keep them from escaping until the predators limit their numbers.”

“Hold on a second,” I spoke up again. “You mean you’re planning to just feed them to the manticores and…all the other stuff that lives in the Everfree?” That seemed a little…morbid for ponies.

This time, it was the big black princess that I currently was that filled me in. “The meat eaters of the Everfree need to feed on something Nightmare. Parasprites are the only creatures that reproduce fast enough to provide that food source in sustainable quantities for such an area.”

I…blinked. That made a certain amount of sense, actually. Although, I had to wonder where all the food the sprites ate that let them reproduce enough came from. The Everfree Forest didn’t exactly come off as a literal garden of delights.

Cadance magiced the door open for us, and smiled when a little when the sound of music reached our ears. “Oh they set up a band to welcome us that’s so-what the buck?” she asked as the source of said music came trotting past.

And it was…kinda cool.

Sure, I was pretty certain I would see Pinkie Pie walking around with ten instruments, but the opening season animation just didn’t do the little horse justice. A quick count told me Pinkie was indeed playing ten things, and moving like crazy to keep all the strings, woodwinds, percussion, and brass instruments she was toting around playing. It was pretty damn impressive.

Celestia blinked. “Hmm, upon further examination, I don’t think Shining Armor will be needed Cadance. Pinkie Pie appears to have everything well in hoof,” she said before turning her gaze elsewhere. “Now, all we need to do is-um… Why does most of Ponyville look like something took a bite out of it?”

To keep from grinning like a madman with an I-have-a-secret smile I made myself do an overly dramatic slump and groan. “Come on Celestia, let’s see what Twilight did now.”

“What makes you think Twilight’s behind this?” Cadance asked a little miffed at my baseless accusation of her future little sister.

For a moment, I was just struck mute as I tried to come up with a good excuse.

But then, Celestia saved my ass. “Because she’s Twilight,” the goddess said before she walked out of our car through the door fit for the width a princess’s posterior, and motioned us to follow as the guards were looking around at the destruction in surprise.

It didn’t take us long to locate Twilight. Although everypony touched their noses to the ground in a bow so seeing over them was even easier, only one little purple pony in the group was so low it looked like she sinking into the ground.

“Hello Twi-”

“Princess Celestia!” Twilight cried out in a panic before Tia could finish. “I’m sorry! I should have trusted Pinkie and listened to her from the beginning. She had the solution to this all along, but I was too busy running around to listen to her!”

The alicorn blinked. “Well that’s…” She paused for a second before recovering the usual loving goddess smile. “A very valuable lesson in friendship Twilight,” Celestia told her before leaning down to loudly whisper in her ear. “Although when it comes to the magic one, remember that Dietary Change spell always makes the target swap out whatever you're telling the target not to eat with something else. Such things must be kept in balance after all. Next time, you might want to pick something a bit more plentiful than wood and metal.”

Twilight let out a little groan and covered her hooves. “Ugh, I can’t believe I forgot that,” she whined before getting to her proverbial feet and giving a downcast expression. Seeing little Purple Smart looking so sad nearly broke my heart.

But only nearly. Her reckless spell-slinging had helped cause the destruction of the town after all.

“Now because of me, your visit is ruined,” Twilight apologized before she looked back at the town. “And so is Ponyville.”

“Oh I wouldn’t say that,” the white princess replied before she took a look around. “I’m sure one of us can think of something to do about all this. Right Luna?”

I pulled my head back a bit at the sudden change of Celestia’s attention, and blinked a few times before Luna spoke. “Well, the three of us could easily use our magic to repair any damages to the town,” she replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Then, when Celestia simply nodded for her to continue instead of agreeing, the black alicorn slowly kept talking after ordering me to take a look around. “Although…looking around this village does give me an idea.”

“Yes?” Celestia said.

Luna cleared our throat before having me turn her head back to Tia. “Lately, Nightmare has been having us go over the military to see if we can…preen away the useless feathers, as it were. But taking away a pony’s purpose leaves a bad taste in my mouth. So…mayhap we could repurpose the guards?” she asked her sister, who just gave another encouraging nod. “A…disaster relief corps, perhaps. And we need to station a few members of the guard knowledgeable of beasts near this village as well Sister, should some other creature wander in from the Everfree.”

When it seemed Luna was finally finished, Celestia nodded enthusiastically. “An excellent idea Sister. You should put the decree to paper the moment we return home,” the goddess told us before stepping in close to whisper in our ear as Twilight looked up at the two of us in confusion. “Although, maybe we should step in this time to help them out? It will take time for all that paperwork to go through.”

Luna chuckled and nodded. “Agreed Sister,” she said before letting out a hmm to show something else had occurred to her. “But what of Ponyville’s food? The emergency granaries are in their infancy. I do not believe they are ready to provide for a town that has undergone a parasprite attack.”

The sound of hoof steps behind me announced Cadance before she even spoke, wearing a smug smile as she looked down on the little unicorn in front of us. “Well then it looks like it was a good thing Twilight spelled those parasprites to eat wood instead of food, isn’t it?”

At Cadance’s little comment, Twilight looked back up to her former babysitter with wide eyes.

“Funny how things have a way of working out like that,” Celestia said with a smile that was all too knowing for my taste. Then, it suddenly crumbled before she looked down at the unicorn. “Um, while the food stores in town might have taken a hit, Applejack’s orchard was untouched by the attack, wasn’t it Twilight? I’m afraid I boarded the train before you cast your spell.”

Twilight blinked. “No, the parasprites were spelled before they got to her, but Applejack’s house and barn might be…” All of a sudden, she stopped talking and looked up at Celestia agape. “Wait…YOU MEAN YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS THE WHOLE TIME?!”

The scandalized shout didn’t seem to phase Celestia in the least. “Well of course I did,” she said calmly. “Do you think I don’t check up on you Twilight? That I don’t watch over you and all of your friends when I think you might be in danger, like the time I sent you to deal with that dragon? What type of an irresponsible pony do you take me for?”

As Twilight simply stood there with her mouth still hanging open, I looked over to Tia. “In that case, I think me and Luna should head over to Applejack’s place and help them rebuild,” I told her. The farm pony had been wanting to show off her orchard anyway, and it would give her a chance.

“But then…w-why didn’t you come and help?” Twilight asked in confusion.

Celestia looked down at her student. “Because I had faith in you and your friends to solve such problems and learn from them,” she said as if were obvious before looking up to me. “Very well. If the town’s food supply is low, I’ll join you later to help the Apple Family with a premature harvest so everypony has enough to eat tonight.”

“W-What?” Twilight stuttered as I could hear the sound of her world shattering at Celestia’s declaration of her intentions to perform menial labor. From the looks on everypony else’s faces that had been picked up from the ground, they were…equally surprised. “You’re going to use your magic to...harvest apples?”

The question made Tia laugh in a way that the sound coming out of her mouth was more akin to music than words. “Oh of course not Twilight!” she said, making the unicorn simmer down. At least until she spoke again. “I’m going to buck them down.”

Then the princess proceeded to display a trio of lightning fast kicks with one of her hind legs that a Chinese street fighter would have been envious of. “It’s been a while since I participated in a harvest with my own hooves. I think it will be fun. I was quite the green hoof back in the day you know.”

And once again, Twilight’s jaw was on the floor.

Luna snorted. “Oh please Sister. Twas I that had the rapport with nature,” she comment. “Thy skills were merely…passable.”

Even Cadance started to give us disbelieving looks at that.

“Heh,” she said before putting on a little smile. “It’s too bad you don’t have full command of your body sister. I would have loved to see you back up those words.”

“HA!” Luna laughed while my own nervousness started to build. “I could beat you with the use of only one hoof. Which it seems to still be within my purview.”

Beside us, Cadance finally spoke up. “Wait a minute. You two were…farm ponies?” she asked like it was the most unbelievable thing in the world. Which, in her defense, it kind of was. You don't really imagine the beings that raise the sun and moon wearing droopy drawers and straw hats.

Celestia looked over to the smaller alicorn, and Luna made us do the same a fraction of a second later. “Well, we weren’t always princesses you know,” the white alicorn said before the black one added, “And nopony else was going to grow food for us.”

So, with Twilight’s view of the princesses shattered I looked back over to Celestia and resumed control of Luna’s mouth. “Well, I’d better head on over to Applejack’s farm and help her with the reconstruction.”

“Very well, I’ll remain here,” Celestia replied before she looked over to the other winged pony, her expression once again serious. “Cadance, take Shining Armor and the rest of the guard to help you survey the houses of Ponyville. If one is in danger of collapsing before we can begin the repairs, have it evacuated and cleared out of valuables by the guards while you or Captain Armor holds the house together.”

Then Luna ordered us to turn and address the crowd. “Citizens of Ponyville! Return to thy homes and take stock of all grains and fruits therein. However, if thou dost fear the roof shall come down, wait for my sister or a guard to assist thee! Fear not, for before the sun rises on the morrow, you all have my personal assurances that this fair hamlet shall be restored!”

And so, a mighty cheer went up from the ponies of Ponyville as we departed, with several of them offering the Dark Alicorn of Nightmares and Terror their thanks for promising to clean up the mess the student of that other princess whose name escapes me at the moment. Even if it did turn out to be better in the long run since food took time to grow and the buildings in Ponyville were apparently a snap to fix.

“So, wait a second,” I asked Luna as we got out of hearing range of the towns ponies. “You and Tia were earth ponies before you got your horn and wings?”

For some reason, Luna made us frown before replying inside her head. What? No, of course not. We were born alicorns.

“But-But you said-”

“Ugh,” Luna spoke, probably just to shut me up. “Just because we were alicorns didn’t mean we were princesses. During our teen years, we did work the land and water our crops like anypony else who wanted to eat without getting involved in that tribal trade. No Nightmare, put such thoughts out of thy mind and back on task. We need to help Applejack rebuild her home. Tis a loss I most sympathize with.”

I let out a sigh at a missed opportunity to learn the secret history of Lulu and Tia. But, Luna was right, I needed to keep focused. So…I set my mind on task…

Racist barn, racist barn one two three four…

Unfortunately, it seemed the parasprites didn’t get into anypony’s pantries. Which meant that there was to be no apple bucking contest between us and Tia. Such a thing would just have to wait until Flim and Flam made an appearance and I needed to help them win that stupid wager.

But it did mean that we were able to have a celebration after all. Although it was more of a potluck thing, with everyone in town cooking something at home and bringing it to a giant party that all of Ponyville attended. All three hundred ponies in town showed up. Tia said she liked it a hell of a lot more than any even she had been to in centuries, and not just because Luna was there with her.

Shining Armor and Cadance got around to officially announcing their engagement to Twilight. She did her excited hop in front of the whole town, and then turned bright red before doing her best to hide behind her friends.

Rarity missed most of the party. She fainted after Cadance asked if they could go over wedding dress designs together in a few weeks, what with the unicorn being a seamstress and all. Or maybe it was the fact that she asked the little marshmallow to make it for her. The pink demigoddess wanted her dress made by a friend so that it had more love in it.

Applejack got to show off her farm to we dark alicorn. I didn’t follow most of what she said, but Luna apparently did. I was kind of impressed how much the goddess knew about commoner work.

Fluttershy…hid from us goddesses for most of the party. Celestia told me and Luna to remind her that the next official visit we had to Ponyville, she needed to bring her pet to help coax the little pegasus out of her shell. I managed not to beat my head against the table at that one.

Pinkie was…Pinkie. She called me the wrong name, ate my food as I ate hers back, and Celestia just laughed when the pink pony landed butt-first on some kind of cream-filled pastry that ended up coating most of Tia’s face and horn in gooey white…stuff while Twilight pleaded with Celestia not to be too harsh on her.

Rainbow Dash did what most bronies would have expected. She annoyed the guards, flew around a lot, and pretty much acted like a five-year-old with ADD. The food fight she tried to start towards the end of the meal was quickly brought to an end when Celestia buried her in cake.

Octavia and Vinyl provided the music, although the unicorn was forced to leave the scratches out when the earth pony gave her a glare for making the orchestral record that was playing along with Tavi make a screeching sound.

My girls got to meet with every brony’s favorite lesbian couple, and Lemon Hearts too. I just managed a quick hello to them. Didn’t want to be too intrusive.

I also got to see Derpy again. Played with her kids too. Kind of made me wonder why Dinkie wasn’t a CMC though. But a quick look at all the foals around the town didn’t turn up a Sweetie Belle or Scootaloo, so they probably weren’t…well, I had no idea. And I couldn’t ask Rarity about it, what with her being unconscious and all.

As for me, I did have a little realization when I was talking to Derpy, or at least listen to her brag about her daughters. “Sparkler’s really smart, some ponies even think she’s the best organizer in all of Ponyville! it’s just…hard for a pony with her talents to find much work around here.”

“Really?” I asked before looking over to the mare in question, who sunk a little in her seat. Not out of fear, more like embarrassment. Derpy’s little family adored me. “Say Luna, don’t you think we could use a secretary to help us plan out our day?”

A few seconds later, Luna spoke. “Is that not the task assigned to Twinkleshine?”

“Yeah,” I said in the tone that was more admittance than any actual showing of agreement. “But she does schedules and all the running around assigned to Minuette. With all that we’ve been up to lately, we need a bigger staff. One of them being a pony to concentrate just on working in what we need to do during the day.”

“Thy words ring true Nightmare,” she said. “Our little ponies have been run a bit ragged as of late. Ms Derpy.” I moved my head over to the pegasus. “Would you allow your daughter to be under our employ from noon until sundown? We can offer a voucher for travel to Canterlot if you wish her to keep living here though.”

“Umm…” the mother looked over to her daughter, who was just staring up at us with a slack jaw. “What would she be doing, exactly?” A question I’m sure any mother would ask of a pony who was tasked with the defense of the realm.

Before Luna could say anything, I chimed in. “Nothing dangerous, and she wouldn’t be up all night either. We just need a…part-time assistant. She’d help plan out our day and…maybe run a few errands. You know, be a gopher. Go for this, go for that. She’d be our little ally, as it were.”

“Is such an arrangement, agreeable?” Luna added.

The little unicorn turned to the pegasus. “Mom? C-Can I work for them? It would be great, right? You wouldn’t have to take any more of those side-jobs, a-and…”

Derpy silenced her with an apprehensive look. “Well…as long as you don’t stay out too late.”

“We shall send her home with our own magic at the rise of the moon, Ms Derpy,” Luna assured her.

“In that case, I don’t see why not!” she said before leaning in close. “Just um…make sure she eats a healthy dinner before she comes home Princess. My little Sparkler’s been going to the Hay Burger way too often if you ask me. I mean, just look at her flanks.”

“M-MOM!” the unicorn exclaimed.

Luna made me bow her head and giggled. “We accept your terms Ms Derpy. Your daughter will be well tended to. You have my personal assurances.”

With that done, I turned and headed back to where the guests of honor were seated while talking to myself. “Great, now all we need is somepony that’s smart enough to be a walking dictionary, and we’re set.”

“Pray tell, why is that Nightmare?” Luna asked.

I quickly bullshitted my best response that didn’t involve me just wanting to snatch up another pony I had seen on a television and put her into my group of retainers. “Well…if you really are going to start running Equestria, it’s going to take too long to look up everything we need to and still get any work done.” Plus, an expert at libraries might be useful in helping me find Sunset’s journal.

“We should make inquiries to Minuette and Twinkleshine,” Luna replied. “They might know of such a pony.”

Author's Note

If you know where the song comes from, good for you, you know your super hero movies.

And if you can pick out every batman reference in this fic...I'm a little creeped out by your knowledge.

Next of on the Adventures of (na na na na na na) BatMare...

Rarity makes a dress, and another dress, along with another dress, aside from that other dress she makes, as well as a gown, and an outfit, and... (insert eight more ways of saying makes a dress here).

And we shall finally answer a question that has plagued mankind for...well, a couple of months at least.

All of that and more same pony website, um...not to sure about the time though.

I Dress for Success

Six days later, and I was starting to think of petitioning Tia to increase the hours in the day. Six days later, and I still hadn’t met with Moondancer to see if she wanted to work for a goddess. Six days later, and I was still trying to get four of the projects me and Luna had worked out off the ground. Six days later, and I still hadn’t found Sunset’s book despite walking up and down every single aisle in the castle library to see if it had been misplaced in there somewhere. And six days later, the Mane Six were having yet another little crisis that I just had to get involved in because, well…I’m just too damn nice.

A crises that, of course, involved Rarity.

“BOOOOOOOOO!” several ponies shouted as they threw cups of staining soda, popcorn, and whatever other food was around. The target of their anger was a white unicorn standing up on a stage, and the five mares behind her, dressed in the most ghastly outfits imaginable.

Seriously, they were bad. I didn’t know if it was Rarity’s perceptions just making the stupidity of the dresses reach a whole new level of suck, or if the show had simply been unable to properly display the crime against fashion that the girls were wearing.

As for the four-legged marshmallow herself, she was on the stage waving her forelegs around like crazy. “No! Everypony listen to me, please!”

“This dresses are horrible!” one of the ponies in the shadow-shrouded crowed shouted.

“What idiot designed them?” another one demanded.

“Whoever made those things needs to be arrested by the fashion police!” a third added.

Then, a pony emerged from the crowd. He was a stallion with a silvery mane and gray coat, wearing dark glasses and several little bits of bling. As soon he appeared, the barrage of food and drink stopped, as did Rarity. She simply looked at Hoity-Toity in fear. “These are the absolute worst things I have ever seen! I’ll see to it that you are barred from the fashion industry, FOR LIFE!”

Up on the cloud I was using to stand on, I cracked my fetlocks in preparation for completely destroying the representation of the stallion below me. But when I stepped forward to utterly annihilate it for making Rarity cower on the floor of the stage like she was doing, Luna held up a hoof to stop me.

“Luna!” I yelled at the smaller alicorn with her dark blue coat and decidedly less than cute appearance. Considering how she was just letting Rarity suffer, I was going to give her ego a beating after we went to bed. A night of being stuck in a high chair and being played around with like a baby for a night would teach her not to let poor little unicorn ponies suffer from their own fears!

The slightly smaller alicorn rolled her eyes. “And this is why you are the apprentice,” she told me before motioning back down to the scene. “All of her thoughts and fears have yet to be revealed. Now sit, and wait.”

I frowned, but plopped my pony plot down anyway to watch. Not that it would do any good. I’d seen the episode, I knew Rarity was going to get all weepy and then go into exile. There was no need for me to let her fears get that far.

Down on the stage, Twilight stepped forward with a hurt expression on her face. “Rarity? You mean…our dresses are…awful?”

Then came Rainbow Dash. “How could you let us go out in them?”

“I’m humiliated!” Fluttershy cried.

“Why didn’t ya tell us?” Applejack asked.

As the exchange finished, Rarity collapsed into a sobbing fit. “B-But I made them just the way you wanted me to!”

The sight of her hurt friends and Rarity crying…surprised the hell out of me. Sure the girls had been a little embarrassed about their dresses, but I didn’t remember any of the Mane Six saying anything about being embarrassed by them like Rarity was.

“Now you may go,” Luna told me while Rarity’s friends started to go on and on about how wearing the dresses they had on in public completely destroyed their image, made it so Princess Celestia hated them, forced the animals to run away, and caused Applejack’s family to disown her.

Which I did. I leaped from the cloud and aimed right for the dream-pony that started this whole mess. “Five-hundred-plus pound alicorn TO THE FACE!” I shouted before crashing down into the fancy pony’s head and completely annihilating it before I turned to face the crowd of shadow ponies and flapped my wings a few times. A baleful wind picked up, and blew the mass of darkness in front of me away, leaving an empty Ponyville.

All of which didn’t do unnoticed by Rarity. She looked up at me in confusion. “Nightmare Moon?”

Then there was a bright flash behind her, and Luna appeared in front of the forms of Rarity’s friends, frozen in time. “Greetings Rarity. We felt thy distress and-” she suddenly paused, and frowned. “What is it?”

With her back to me, I couldn’t see Rarity’s face, but there was plenty of confusion evident in her voice as she raised a hoof to lazily point at the goddess. “Who’re you?”

Luna blinked at the question, and her regal demeanor vanished, replaced by an annoyed frown. “I’m Princess Luna.”

“But…” Rarity looked back at me. “I thought the two of you shared the same body. “How can you be here, if Nightmare Moon is over there? Did the two of you finally find a way to separate?”

With the annoyed look still on her face, the Princess of the Night groaned. “Well if you want to be technical, I still am over there too. This is merely a dream construct created my Nightmare Moon and controlled by my magic. A kind of magical marionette, if you will.”

“Oh,” she mumbled as she looked back and forth between the two of us. “But then…what are you doing here?”

I cocked an eyebrow. “You’re having a nightmare about the end of your career and our friends suffering thanks to those dresses, and you're wondering why we’re here?” my rhetorical question went. “Rares, I’d tell you to get some sleep, but…we’re already in lala land.”

“And slumber does not always mean rest Nightmare,” Luna told me before she looked back down to Rarity. Her expression softened considerably. “Now my little pony, why don’t you tell me what is wrong?”

Which opened the floodgates, and I mean that literally. Halfway through the story about how Rarity had made an original dress for her friends, she broke down into tears about how her life was ruined now that Spike had invited Hoity Toity to Ponyville for the fashion show when he had seen him in Canterlot Castle while delivering the results of Twilight’s latest magical project.

Apparently, just being within five feet of royalty meant that all the ponies valued your opinion, no matter how uneducated. Seriously though, Rarity was an unknown in the fashion world. Why in the hell would the top fashion critic in Equestria bother with checking out her line?

“And-and the dresses are so ug-ly!” Rarity wailed before going into another hyperventilation fit that Luna calmed down with a gentle wing across the unicorn’s back. And it worked…until she looked up at Luna and started talking again. “But I can’t tell them that! They’re so proud of them, and they’re their first real artistic creation! Do you know what happen if somepony said the very first thing you ever designed was hideous? DO YOU?”

Luna raised her hoof to place it on Rarity’s shoulder, and gently push her down until their muzzles were more than the centimeter apart they had been by the end of the unicorn’s panicked rant. “Calm thyself Rarity.”

The little unicorn looked up to Luna, and then over to her dream girls. “But…the dresses…my career…my friends,” she whined softly. “They’ll be devastated.”

“No Rarity. We will take care of this,” the goddess assured her slowly. “I give you my word that everything will be fine. Thy career will be unmarred, and those you hold dear will walk away from this with their images intact. What matters now is that you get some rest. We shall remain with thee until the dawn breaks to insure this, understand?”

As Rarity nodded, and the vision of her friends disappeared, I just to just stand there with wide eyes that stared at the little unicorn. Getting upset about the black mark on her business, I could understand. But feeling guilty about how the creative spirits of her friends were going to crash and burn were a surprise, and so was the fact that she was more upset about that than her own career.

Thus died any ability I would ever have to be angry at the unicorn. She might have sounded like she was from Canterlot half the time, but that girl was anything but one of those snobs.

So I decided to throw my two bits into the conversation as I trotted up to her. “So Rarity, what happened to the first set dresses you made for the girls?” I asked to try and guide her towards a more favorable topic of discussion. If my little marshmallow was going to get a good night’s sleep, she would have to start thinking some happy thoughts. “You didn’t, like…modify them into those things, did you?”

Rarity shook her head. “Oh heavens no! These were so different from the originals I had to start from the ground up.”

We spent the rest of the night listening to Rarity go on about her dresses, and watched as she gave us a little fashion show. While Luna was impressed and complimented the designs, I was…I dunno…bored with the whole thing.

Turns out I just wasn’t the type of girl that like all those gowns and junk.

Who knew?

“You want me to reschedule all of your meetings?” Sparkler exclaimed as I held the little pony close to my chest. “Your Highness, that’s-”

I let out a groan and rolled over until I was pressing down on the young mare with the full weight of my authority…and body. “Sparkler, from time to time, something is going to come up that me and Luna are just going to have to attend to. This is one of them. Just tell everypony that they’ll have to push their meeting with me back until tomorrow. Don’t worry, you’ll still get paid. Just think of it as a mini-vacation.”

“But-but, what about the meeting you have with the head of the Equestrian Historical Society?”

I rolled my eyes. “Well considering they’ve never even heard of Luna, I don’t really think they’re all that important, right Lulu?” I asked before she agreed and that was moved back. About the only thing I wanted to do with them was demand why Equestrian history was so full of holes during the time of the Two Princesses. Especially how they had forgotten about the fact that there had been TWO PRINCESSES!

“The opening of the Filly Scout Jamberee!”

That one made me hesitate a little. It was for the children after all. But, they were kids, they had a whole lifetime of cancellations to look forward to. So it was best to start getting used to them early and all that. I was struck speechless for so long that Luna handled it. “Minuette, draft a letter of apology for us to be signed by our horn. Little Sparkler, make room in our schedule to appear at the closing of the ceremony. And Twinkleshine, order fireworks for us to ignite during the event. Foals still enjoy big explosions, do they not?”

“And there’s this interview with…Moon…Dancer? That one’s just hours away.” Sparkler read as she tried to get a better viewing angle of the little notebook in front of her. It looked like I was going to have to let her up soon.

Luna spoke before I could again. “A trivial matter. She will just have to wait until we have time.”

I tensed, and rolled off to my side to let Sparkler up and kind of talk to Luna in private. Ditching a pony with possible abandonment issues probably wasn’t a good idea for her continued mental health. “Uh…Luna? I think we should meet with her.”

“Why?” she asked. “We must speak with Sister and give orders to our guard since we will be late for training.”

The mention of training made me groan, and I had a sinking feeling about what Luna would have me doing in exchange for taking a night off. But I kept my mind on the task at hand. “Look, it’s okay to blow off groups of ponies, but when you do it to a single Equestrian, it’s…I don’t know, more personal. Plus, it did take the girls a little while to get in touch with her.” The unicorn apparently spent a lot of time away from home.

Luna took over our mouth and let out an annoyed sigh. “Very well Nightmare. I shall acquiesce to your request,” she said before directing me over to Sparkler. “And Sparkler, see to it that the royal chef prepares you a meal to take home for later tonight. I shan’t forget the promise made to Madam Derpy about thy diet.”

The unicorn in question bowed her head. “Yes your Highness.”

The breaking of our morning fast was pleasant enough. With her only job being to keep me on track, Sparkler didn’t have an excuse to duck out and run away from brunch with Celestia. Which also meant that she got two good meals prepared by a gourmet chef with orders to provide nutritional value in no uncertain terms by an irate nightmare goddess.

The topic of discussion was one marshmallow unicorn’s career, and how it was going to soon be going up in flames.

Horrible, tacky flames.

Okay sure, everything worked out well in the end because the reviewer got dragged to Rarity’s boutique for a second showing, but that was beside the point! Twilight and the others still went out to look like idiots while smearing Rarity’s fashion sense in the eyes of every single pony in Ponyville. If I could spare them that, and weeks of lost business for the unicorn that put it all together, then I would.

And I would do that by making Celestia do something about it.

“I’m not sure as to what we are supposed to do about it,” Ms ‘I don’t give a damn about the ponies by baby sister owes everything to’ said after she swallowed some of her…whatever the heck she was eating. It looked like a genetic splicing of jello and lettuce. “And I’m sure that Rarity will be able to cope with one bad review.”

I snorted at Tia. One of those snorts that only a horse could do. “One bad review can kill a business as small as hers!” I exclaimed while wildly waving one of my hooves around. “Come on Celestia, can’t you just…take five minutes to show up and order Twilight and the others not to wear those dresses?”

The alicorn looked up from her…wobbly lettuce and gave me a deadpan look. “Nightmare.”

“Yes?” I replied, somewhat hopeful.

“You want me to fly to Ponyville.”

“That’s right.” I nodded.

“Meet with Twilight, and the rest of our friends,” she went on in the strangely dead tone.

“Yep.”

“And use my royal authority to force them not to wear the dresses that they themselves designed?” she finished.

“Glad we’ve made it all perfectly clear,” I replied with a smile. “So, you gonna do it now, or later?”

Celestia sighed, and looked over to the two ponies sitting on her side of the table. “Cadance? Shining Armor? Would either of you care to explain to her all the reasons this would be a bad idea?” she asked evenly.

The pink princess shared an apprehensive look with her boy toy, and then turned her head to face me. “Nighty,” Cadance spoke up, using a nickname she had come up with about two days ago since Nightmare just sounded too dark to her.

And, as women’s lingerie didn’t really exist in Equestria, I couldn’t really give her a reason not to call me that. On the upside, at least it was sexy lingerie. I don’t think I could take being referred to as bloomers.

Before Cadance could speak a single word of her argument, Luna set into motion the plan she and myself had managed to concoct after she successfully predicted her sister’s uncaring attitude towards the plight of our most dear friends. The owner of our body released a spell, rearranging the light particles above our head to display five different images of the ponies we were discussing.

Cadance let out a shriek and fell back out of her chair. “GAAAAH! What are those things?”

Shining Armor gazed up at the image of his little sister with an almost-hateful sneer on his face. “Twily’s actually going to go out in public with that on?”

“Auntie, you have to do something!” the pink alicorn pleaded as she got to her hooves.

After sparing a glance at Cadance to look at the other princess’s face, Celestia let out a loud sigh and rubbed the space between her eyes with her hoof. “Fine. You win,” she relented. “But I’m not going to just tell them not to wear the dresses. There is a much better solution for everypony involved.”

I shrugged, but could see Tia’s point. Now that I gave it a few seconds of thought, it really didn’t sound like a good idea to have the god-queen of three races just show up and tell you your designing skills sucked. That would be even more traumatic than being booed off stage.

No, we needed was a unicorn who could teleport. He could break into Rarity’s place, steal the dress for a covert bonfire, and then get back to Canterlot before anyone was the wiser. Then the girls would have to wear Rarity’s dress in the fashion show, see how much better they were, and everyone would be happy. Friendship problem solved!

But before I could run this idea past Tia, Sparkler cleared her throat. “Um Princess, you’re going to miss your lunch date with Ms Moondancer if we wait around here any longer.”

I let out a long sigh and looked over to my scheduling aide. It was times like these that I hated the fact I was only up and around for half a day. And lately, it seemed that I was getting stuck with more and more useless princess business instead of something important, like finding a dusty old book that would let Tia and Sunny become penpals until I just casually asked how she couldn’t force the portal open using the connection between the two magical artifacts.

Then I actually realized what Sparky had said, and looked over to the cute little unicorn sitting at my side. “Wait a second, what do you mean lunch date?” I asked as Luna cut the magic in our horn and the images she had been generating disappeared. “We just ate.”

Sparkler blanched. “Um…sorry, I just saw the one o’clock time slot and with the way the Nightmare-you likes to be so informal, it would be a good setting to talk to another pony rather than-”

“Fear not my little pony,” Luna told her as she seized control of her voice box. “Thy decision is fine. We shall simply skip dessert at this meal, and have it at our destination.”

After Sparkler got done panicking over her apparent failure to the moon goddess that nearly wiped out all life on the planet for the last little slight she had been given, Luna relinquished control of her mouth and I asked the obvious question. “So, where we going anyway?”

The Gilded Truffle was a pretty upscale restaurant, even by Canterlot standards. Instead of a little chair or just having ponies park their bare butts on the ground, a silk pillow was provided at each place on the table, and I even saw a busboy switching them out along with the dirty plates for the next bunch of guests. Electric lights illuminated the room to show off numerous paintings that had a bit of magic in them, which either made it seem like the wind was blowing or the water was running, depending on the scenery.

But we didn’t have a place in the main room. No, for a princess who actually made a reservation ahead of time, the staff gave Luna and me a private dining room that looked like it was made for a party of twenty-plus ponies. They even put in an extra large cushion for our princess plot along with a table that was high enough for us not to bend down to take a bite of whatever it was we were going to order.

And then there was the little unicorn waiting for us, which actually made me stop before going in. This was because of her appearance. Which was just like it had been in the show: a rather ratty sweater, funky hairstyle, and taped glasses.

As for the rest of her, while the color scheme was reminiscent of Twilight, the body type was just a bit off, but still enough so that anyone looking at the two side by side and painted purple would have been able to tell the difference. The difference being that Moondancer was a bit…pudgier than Twilight. Whether it was from the fact that Twilight probably had to run around more, or Moondancer had just been on a few eating binges since severing contact with her friends, I had no idea. But the fact remained that she had a few more pounds on her than the purple pony did.

The moment the door was opened, she looked up from her menu and just stared for one, two, three seconds before the magic around her horn went out and Moondancer’s menu dropped along with her mouth. As the shocked pony continued to stare at us, I looked over to the waiter and took the menu from him before ordering the little pony to come back in five minutes. Then I moved Luna’s body over to the other side of the resized table that Moondancer could barely see over, and sat down.

“You know, a bug might fly into that mouth of yours if you don’t close it,” I told her evenly before glancing at the dessert menu so Luna could read it. I didn’t really mean to sound as cold as I did, but seeing a pony come in what she was wearing to a royal interview kind of pissed me off a bit.

“I…um…you…you’re here,” the little unicorn said in a dumbfounded voice.

I looked up at her with a raised eyebrow. Luna was the one who did the talking. “Did you not receive the summons from my hoofmaiden Minuette? She did contact you under my authority, correct?”

Moondancer continued to look at us in disbelief. “I…um…well, Minuette has this thing for really weird pranks, and I haven’t seen her in such a long time-”

“You suspected her of forging a royal seal?” Luna asked, confusion evident in her own voice as well.

I had a much more important question on my mind than Luna’s, and needed an answer before we could continue. That sweater of hers was driving me crazy. “Is that why you came to a meeting with royalty dressed in a sweater with threads sticking out of it?” I asked while pointing a hoof to the offending piece of clothing in question.

I had to guess that my sudden change in tone, demeanor, and the complete absence of the snooty Canterlot accent threw Moondancer off, because her head tilted to the side, and she just went, “Huh?”

“Nightmare!” Luna chided me as she looked away from the little pony. “Now is not the time for thy odd questions.”

A roll of our eyes hopefully made Luna a bit dizzy as I took back control of her mouth. “It’s not odd! A pony wearing something like that while coming to a meeting with royalty deserves to be questioned,” I countered. “I mean, I can understand the glasses, but when it’s socially acceptable to walk around naked, you don’t meet with a princess who’s offering you a job while wearing a sweater.”

“Um…”

Luna just went right over Moondancer’s attempted interruption. “Her garment is no more odd than half the things I have seen since my return.”

“…excuse me…”

I snorted. “Are you kidding me? You spent hours talking fashion with Rarity last night, and you don’t see something wrong with the filly who wears a sweater to a job interview?”

“Neigh, I do not,” Luna replied evenly.

“………w-what’s going on?”

It was the stutter that did it, that little showing of fear displayed verbally. We probably could have ignored the pony for hours if not for that. She was hardly a Mane Six pony after all, or even one of the lovable quadrupeds from Ponyville. But that little worry in her voice shut me up faster than a…thing that shuts horses up really fast.

“Oh um…well, you see…”

Thus began the rather lengthily process of explaining to Moondancer the fact that Nightmare Moon was back along with Luna, although I was a very different Nightmare Moon than the monster that had given the citizens of Equestria nightmares for so many years. Being an eggheaded pony, she had several questions for us, like how I could store my memories separate from Luna if we both shared the same body, the combined depths of our mana well, and why the hell Luna kept switching back from ye olden vernacular and regular speech.

My explanations were…

“It’s magic, I ain’t gotta explain nothing’!” Which made the little pony get on a soap box about how magic was very explainable for a good five minutes.

“Over nine-thousand.”

And…

“Despite the change in my surrounding and immersion into a dialect of Equish that is nearly as alien to me as griffon-speak, I still hold to the proper grammer as best I am able, despite attempts from my other half and sister.”

Okay, the last one was Luna’s answer, but still…

We went over a lot of things, like how we simply expected Moondancer to serve as our walking wikipedia, basic gossip about what Twilight had been up to since she just disappeared from Canterlot without warning, and her expected work hours/salary. I decided to leave off my need to find a book I had no title to and was just browsing the Canterlot Archives to find.

Then came the obvious question from Moondancer…

“But I don’t understand, if Nightmare Moon has a basic working knowledge of Equestria despite her memory loss, wouldn’t she instinctively know anything I could tell either of you?”

…that was followed by our rather embarrassing answer.

“While Nighty does possess a great amount of intelligence and wisdom, there are some rather odd gaps in the strangest places that would allow us to benefit from an assistant such as yourself,” Luna said.

I looked around and frowned at her, or her shoulder at least. “What odd gaps?”

Luna spun our head to the left shoulder. “Dost thou not remember our second night within the castle and the incident in our personal lavatory?”

“You’re bringing that up?” I deadpanned after moving Luna’s head around and fixing her shoulder with a frown. “That’s completely irrelevant for this conversation!”

“Thou did know how to use the lavatory!” Luna decried.

“Neither did you!” I shot back.

“I did not know what the strange handle was for,” Luna said curtly before raising her volume. “You did not know how to relieve us! I had to instruct thee on the proper form to pee!”

“Umm, excuse me…Princesses?” Moondancer asked.

I turned to look back at the little pony. “Luna’s the princess, I’m just her advisor,” I explained before giving her a little smile. “So…you want the job Moondancer?”

Not that I had any hopes of her saying yes now. When me and Luna fought in front of a newbie, it tended to frighten the pony for some reason.

So, even though I didn’t get the exact cause of her nervousness, I wasn’t confused at the fact that she was on edge as she started speaking while looking down at her half-finished plate of food. “If I accept…I’ll get to see Minuette and Twinkleshine again? All day? And Twilight and Lemon Hearts too?”

I shrugged. “Well the first two are a definite yes, and Lemon Hearts just works in the castle, not for us. But I’m sure you’ll run into her,” I said. “And Twilight, well if you want to follow us to Ponyville…sure, why not?”

I know it was kind of manipulative, but I didn’t also mention that there was nothing stopping the little unicorn from seeing her friends on her own NOW. But…anything to get a pony that might have had a chance of finding Sunset’s lost journal under my control.

“Then I’ll do it!” she said with a little more enthusiasm than I was expecting. She even put her forelegs up on the table for crying out loud! That was a little bold for a shut-in bookworm with no life.

Luna nodded for us. “Very good. We will expect you at the castle three days hence at eleven. Your friends will tell you what to expect.”

With Moondancer taken care of, I went back to the castle to pick up Sparkler and boarded the batmobile to head off to Ponyville as fast as my sleepy bat ponies could carry Luna’s enlarged body. Once there, we were greeted by a fair amount of hellos, waves and cheers that the Princess of the Night soaked up like a dry sponge.

It was almost sad how much she treasured a simple hello from another pony.

But, I couldn’t get distracted by asking Luna personal questions that could wait until later tonight.

I had a job to do.

A mission!

No, a quest!

During my last visit to the town of Ponyville, I found that Fluttershy had crawled back into her shell when it came to ponies twice as big as her. Even Tia had gotten a timid reaction from the poor pegasus. And that was just…unacceptable!

So, I needed to fix this and make things right before Celestia brought that damn bird of hers around to fucking traumatize Fluttershy. I, quite possibly the scariest-looking pony alive, needed to befriend her!

And I needed to do it before the fashion show tonight.

Thus my trip to Ponyville being a few hours before sundown.

I marched Luna through the town and offered a few polite hellos in return for the various greetings the numerous ponies gave us as I headed towards Fluttershy’s house. With the reason I simply didn’t land right there being I didn’t want my bat ponies to scare her or the various animals around her cottage. I needed them for my plan after all.

Then, came something to trip up my plan, threatening to ruin it altogether in a mass of fast moving…fastness as it crashed into me.

And no, it wasn’t Rainbow Dash.

This particular blur of speeding energy actually meant to crash into me with a cry of-“BLACK SNOOTY!” Pinkie Pie shouted just in time for me to turn and raise my forelegs in a defense to grab the pink pony and lift her up.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t help but be happy at seeing the Pie pony. “Pinkie!” I said before hugging her close for a few moments and letting her go. Limited timetable or not, one always had to make room for Pinkie Pie.

“What’cha doing back in Ponyville Snooty?” Pinkie asked.

“Pinkamina,” Luna spoke up before I could respond. “While I did find thy nickname of the original Nightmare Moon quite amusing, I do not believe that it truly fits her reformed self. While still dark in coloration, Nighty is not very snooty. Do you not agree?”

The pink pony blinked. “No, I do not-not agree. But I don’t think she’s very snooty either,” she said before she sat down and tapped her chin with a hoof. “And Nighty does sound cuter than snooty, and you two really do need something to make you cute because…” she leaned in closer. “The slit eyes and sharp teeth are really ruining it for you two. Just try to make a puppy-dog pout face!”

I blinked at the mirror Pinkie just pulled out of her hair, and sighed before pushing it away. “Okay Pinkie, we talked about this. You’re starting to do that thing where you just start talking about stuff so random that nopony else can follow and it pushes ponies away from you again.”

Pinkie’s eyes went wide for a second, and then she gave me a smile. “Oh, okay. Thanks for the warning Nighty.”

I frowned at her. “You’re not going to stop calling me that now, are you?”

A shake of her head was Pinkie's reply at first. “Nope! Princess Luna was right about how it’s better for you than Snooty.”

“I thought you said Snooty was a better name for me,” I deadpanned. Not that I even knew why I was continuing the conversation at this point. Spending too much time with Pinkie was probably detrimental to my sanity. Which also meant I needed to get Luna out of there too. The last thing we needed was for her to get us possessed by Nightmare Moon again.

And…the fact I was actually considering that to be a possibility was proof enough that Pinkie Pie really was rotting my non-existent brain.

“No, I said I didn’t not agree with her, the double negative means I bla, bla bla bla, bla bla bla bla bla,” Pinkie went on.

I moaned and held up a hoof. “Okay-okay, you win,” I said, admitting defeat to the pink horror in front of me.

“Woohoo! What’d I win?” Pinkie asked excitedly with bright shiny eyes and a happy smile that could not be denied.

One hour, and a promise to Pinkie that I would take her to a circus in Canterlot next week later, and I had finally made my way to Fluttershy’s house. But thanks to the quickly approaching dusk that would see the beginning of Rarity’s fashion show, I had to cut my plan of getting on Fluttershy’s good side down to its bare bones minimum by skipping the invite to the local restaurant for tea, and get straight down to business.

The house I was looking for was a little ways away from Ponyville, right on the edge of the Everfree. In fact, I could see the forest before I even got near the house.

And what a house it was.

The cottage was the very definition of quaint. At first I had thought it was another lived-in tree like Twilight had, but closer inspection told me no. It was a normal house, with a very abnormal roof. Despite being above ground, it looked like the roof was covered in some type of grass, or maybe it was moss.

But, I wasn’t here to admire pony architecture. So, I knocked politely on Fluttershy’s door.

“Just a minute,” the sweet little voice came from inside before the door opened to reveal the most adorablest of ponies. Her pink mane hid a little over half of her face, but I could still see her eyes widen in fear when she saw just who was standing at her doorway. “N-Nightmare Moon!”

I gave her a little smile, careful not to show any teeth. As per the plan, I was the one who was going to do all the talking. Luna was a little too…Luna for Fluttershy to take I think. “Hello Fluttershy, is this a good time for me to talk to you about something?”

If it wasn’t, I would just head on out right there, and catch her at the next big thing that went on. No need to pressure the poor little thing into becoming friends.

“Well…” she looked back in her house for a few moments before turning her attention back to me. “Not really. I-Is there something you wanted, Nightmare Moon?”

I thought for a few seconds about lowering myself down to eye level with Flutters to make myself less intimidating, but decided to just forget that idea and stick to the primary purpose of this visit. “Well, I heard the last time I was hear that your house is an animal shelter…thing, and with the two of us back from the moon, Luna and I…we want to get a pet.”

While we didn’t get the reaction that Dash did when the pegasus asked to browse Fluttershy’s selection, the little pony did get a little twinkle in her eye at the request. “Really?” she asked almost…hopefully, if I had to try and pin down the tone.

“Okay,” she said before stepping out of her house and leading me around. “Let’s go to the back yard, that’s where most of my animal friends are.”

I followed Fluttershy into the back yard with my ears perked up in preparation of the little show I was about to receive. I mean hell, if I got a musical number just by walking out the freaking door in Canterlot, Fluttershy was sure to put on a performance when in her element. It was practically guaranteed!

So, I waited with barely contained excitement as she called her animal friends from wherever they were hiding. They came out of their little homes. They came from Fluttershy’s little home. They came from out of the woods, the chicken coop, a half-decayed log in the back, and about a dozen other places from all around me.

And throughout it all…Fluttershy didn’t sing a single damn word while she lined up all my choices.

It was a real letdown.

“So let’s see, there’s the birds and the bees, a pair of monkeys, a bear named Hairy, that pig, a cat, some mice and-wait,” Fluttershy stopped and frowned for some reason before she flew over to the cat. “No! Bad Sylvester! You spit them out right now!”

The black cat Fluttershy was shaking her hoof at gagged a bit before coughing up a pair of mice, then looked up at the pegasus. “Meow meow meow.”

“Well I don’t care if mice are your natural prey,” she said before taking an upright flying stance with her hands on her flanks. “We don’t eat other animals in this house.”

“Meow meow meow.”

Fluttershy sighed, and I could almost feel her roll her eyes. “Fish don’t count. Now you back inside and think about what you’ve done mister!”

After the kitty sulkingly made his way back inside the cottage, Fluttershy flew back over to me. “Now, where were we?”

“Aren’t you afraid he’ll eat the fish inside the cottage?” I asked.

Fluttershy blinked the question, and then looked back towards her house. “Um…I’ll be right back!”

As Flutters left the two of us alone, I looked over the assembled denizens of nature. Not being a two-year-old, I didn’t really need help identifying any of the animals as I looked around, although the presence of an actual jackalope did make me pause and stare for a few seconds.

I think Tank tried to approach me a time or two, but I was quick enough to outpace him. After watching Rainbow act so adorable about the little tortoise, there was no way in hell I was messing with that bit of canon. Although…I had to wonder how long it would be until she adopted him. The first Winter hadn’t even hit yet, and I distinctly remembered Rainbow saying they were going to spent their first Winter together before her mental breakdown.

Then, as I wandered around the yard to inspect each animal closely, I came upon…something. It was a strange pink little animal that defied my attempts to place it. The creature was a small, hairless pink rodent of some type, with a tail so short I would almost call it stubby, and long whiskers. As I looked it over, the pink thing stood up on its hind legs and waved at me.

I blinked, and then slowly backed away.

Thankfully, the animal caretaker finished whatever she was doing in her house and I was able to get my curiosity taken care of without further inspection of the strange critter. “Fluttershy?”

“Yes?” the little pegasus replied.

“What is that?” I asked while pointing a hoof over to the questionable critter.

“What?” she asked in response.

“That freaky thing,” I clarified before magically shoving the surrounding animals away from the mystery creature.

Fluttershy’s eyes widened in recognition. “Oh that right there? It’s a naked mole rat.”

…

...

…

I groaned, and hit my face with my hoof. When the pain subsided, I looked back over to Fluttershy and sighed. “Do you got any dogs?”

In the end, Luna and I went with a German Shepherd thanks to some coaxing on my part for getting such a ‘common’ animal.

Well…a Germane Shepherd, but it was pretty much the same thing. A nice big black dog that matched my coat and was an equal mix of friendly and dutiful. Not to mention nearly the size of a pony himself.

Once we had taken him off Fluttershy’s hooves, and showed the little pegasus we could be kind to animals, thus assuring her warming up to the big bad Nightmare Moon, I took the dog back to where we parked our chariot. It was actually a little past nightfall when we got there, thanks to Luna moving the moon, and Rarity’s stage had been set up.

“Okay Ace,” I told my hound before putting some treat Fluttershy had given us on the way out down on the ground. “You wait in the bat-cart for us, and we’ll take you home as soon as we’re done here. Got it?”

Ace replied with a dutiful bark before he jumped into the flying conveyance and sat at attention.

Luna wasn’t so agreeable. “Our chariot is not a cart,” she grumbled as we moved away from the transportation.

There was a muttering among the ponies, putting an end to our discussion as some of them pointed skyward. I looked up, and saw the approach of the very definition of gaudiness as Celestia’s oversized pony-wagon touched down near Luna’s.

As usual, all the little ponies slammed their heads to the ground when Sunbutt came upon them with her sparkling mane. And as she moved up to the crowd, a purple unicorn along with five other familiar faces came running up to her. After they had finished their prostrating, Twilight looked up at her teacher. “Princess Celestia, what’re you doing here?”

The goddess giggled as Twilight’s worried tone before lifting a hoof to stifle her laughter. “Oh relax Twilight. I simply heard from Spike that Rarity was going to be showing some of her dresses, and thought it would be a nice diversion after I was done for the day.”

“YOU WHAT?” the marshmallow unicorn shrieked in what could only be called absolute terror.

Every single pony in Ponyville turned to look at Rarity, who tried to sink into the ground under their gazes. She didn’t have much success.

Completely ignoring Marshmallow’s distress, Celestia looked over to me. “Come on you two, let’s go find a good seat.”

“Isn’t this great Rarity?” I heard Purple Smart exclaim as we walked away. “Even Princess Celestia wants to see those dresses you made for us.”

Rarity only whimpered in reply.

Although Celestia said we needed to get a good spot, which several ponies moved about this way and that to make for us, she eventually sat down a good forty feet away from the stage and directed everyone else to go back to where they had been sitting a moment before. Something all the ponies in attendance were willing to do, except for the critic. He sat as close to Celestia as he could.

Another mare that joined us was a gray pegasus with bright eyes. Derpy brought her kids , and plopped her bubble butt down next to me shortly after I motioned her over. We talked for a little bit, long enough for her to ask if Sparkler was behaving herself and for me to admit that the pink unicorn was doing so a bit too well for my taste.

Then we were rudely interrupted by a mass of talking gray fur and a loudmouthed alicorn. “Princess Luna!”

“Greetings little one,” Luna made our mouth say in response to Dinky’s enthusiastic greeting as she leapt forward. “Nighty! Hug the filly at once!”

I did as instructed, and cradled the little girl my forelegs almost like a baby as she giggled at our attentions.

Celestia looked over at us with a raised eyebrow. “Nighty?”

“Little Cadance is correct. Tis a much more fitting moniker than Nightmare, would you not agree, Sister?” Luna asked.

When Celestia did, I groaned. Much to my annoyance, the show began before I could fire my witty retort that surely would have put the pony princess on my side in thinking that a badass name like Nightmare was much better than something that meant human underwear. All of the lights around the town turned off, and music began to play on the stage.

“Since the beginning of time, the elite of Equestria have longed for fashions that truly express the essence of their very souls,” Spike’s voice came through the speakers. “Patiently waiting decades-no! Centuries, for the perfect gown. Today Equestria, your long wait is over. Let’s hear it for the breathtaking designs of...Rarity!”

The crowd was silent as five ponies made their way onto the walkway. I was…unsure as to how I should react. I mean, yeah Applejack, Pinkie, Rainbow, and Fluttershy looked goofy as hell, but…Twilight’s might have actually been decent if not for the stupid stars on her head. It was kinda like a wizard’s robe or something.

I looked over and glared at Celestia. “I thought we agreed to take care of this,” I growled. Sure, I hadn’t been able to do anything, but that was because I was making friends with Fluttershy. Tia could have…teleported into the shop and stolen the dresses, called the girls off on a mission, burnt the place down, or at least just order the show stopped!

Now Rarity’s career was ruined…for a few days at least.

The big princess smiled. “You mean I haven’t?”

And then, I noticed something…odd.

None of the ponies were saying anything. There were a few glances, followed by the occasional look back at the freaking deity that had decided to just drop into town, but…with the girls dressed up as they were, I would have thought there was going to be some snickering going on.

Even the critic was glancing towards the white alicorn. “Say…Princess Celestia, what do you think of the display?”

Realization struck me like a lightning bolt. Everypony was waiting on Tia to give her yay or neigh, and then they intended to copy what she said. After that realization, I lifted my hoof to my face and groaned.

“Hmmm…I rather like it,” she told the pony loud enough for several others to hear.

The critic let out a small gasp, and then looked back at the ponies on stage. “Well…y-yes I see it! These new designs, so…inclusive! So bold! Why…this designer will revolutionize the entire fashion industry!”

Which started the outpouring of other comments.

“They’re…individualistic!”

“They’re so…colorful!”

“They’re…uh…nice?”

All the while, the five mares up on stage gave each other confused looks before looking down at their clothes in bewilderment. Judging by the way everything was going, I don’t think they actually heard their god-queen decree them passable.

Then, Celestia smiled mischievously for a moment and winked at me before she “Oh wait, you were asking about the dresses?” she asked loudly again. “I thought you meant the music and lighting. Oh no, I think the dresses are absolutely terrible from a fashionable standpoint. But I’m glad all of you like them.”

The crowd fell silent with varying looks of horror etched upon their faces, and the critic pony looked like he was going to faint.

The music stopped playing.

Crickets chirped in the background.

“Well…” the critic spoke up after a few moments. “Um…you know, now that I’ve been able to look at them again-”

Celestia didn’t let him finish. “Hoity Toity, don’t tell me you were basing your professional opinion on what I thought,” the goddess said before she looked up at Ponyville with a scandalized expression. “And that everypony else was too.”

As the entire crowd began to get nervous, Celestia looked around. “My little ponies, why would you do something like that?”

Once again, the crowd looked around nervously.

“Did you think that I want everypony in the land to simply follow me as if you were sheep?” she asked them. “Did you think that it would hurt my feelings if you didn’t agree with me? That I would be angry with you all?”

The crowd’s nervousness failed to decrease.

“I would much rather prefer my little ponies to be honest with me,” Celestia told them. “Especially over something as silly as a dress. I mean, newsflash everypony, my fashion sense is about nine-hundred years out of date! If you listen to what this mare has to say about what to wear, you’ll be so far beyond retro they’ll have to invent a new word for your clothes.”

As the crowd digested what Tia had to say, the alicorn took a moment before she began speaking again. “Listen, all of you. If it hasn’t become obvious by now, I will probably be making many more visits to Ponyville in the not-too-distant future thanks to the interest Luna and Nightmare-pardon me, Nighty have taken in this town. And I want every single one of you to know that you can come and tell me anything from a simple hello to a grievance you have with the government. Understood?”

I blinked as Celestia finished her little speech, and frowned. That ingenious old hag. She had used a problem Rarity was having to solve one of her own. I would have applauded her for it, if she hadn’t just booted Rarity out in the cold!

“Oh! Rarity?” the goddess called out.

Up on the stage, the unicorn stuck her head out from behind the curtains. “Your Majesty?”

“Would you kindly go and get the real dresses you made for the Gala instead of those gags so everypony can see how good a designer you are?”

“Thank you! Thank you! A thousand thank yous Your Majesty!” Rarity said as she kissed Celestia’s hooves from the privacy of her boutique. Which meant that all of her friends were standing by in their Gala dresses and watching Rarity indulge in her princess hoof fetish.

Celestia giggled, and then pulled her hooves away before the little unicorn could get more than ten kisses into her thousand. “It’s my sister and Nighty you should be thanking Rarity,” she told the mare. “They were the ones who alerted me to this little problem. Although, I must admit that it was nice to see such fine work. I loved every single one of them.”

“Well ‘cept them ones we designed, I reckon,” Applejack spoke up.

The comment got Celestia’s attention, and she looked over to the farm pony. “Oh no Applejack, I like all of them, especially the first ones. They really were the inner you.”

As all the ponies stared at her for several moments, it looked like I was the one to tell Celestia the bad news. “No, your fashion sense just bucks.”

Tia rolled her eyes, and then looked over to the white unicorn of the group. “Oh Rarity, speaking of clothing, do you think you could make me a gown for the Gala?”

The pony in question blinked. “You…you want me to…to make you a dress…for the Gala?”she mumbled. “But-but...you haven’t worn a dress in public for hundreds of years!”

Not to be left out, I stepped forward. “Oh! I want one too!” said before adding, “and Luna’s been naked for a thousand!” That was one record Tia was never going to break.

Luna quickly acted to step on my dreams. “Why? We are not going to the Gala. We have duties to perform upon the fall of night,” she told me. “Duties I must remind you that we are putting on hold for all of this.”

I snorted and rolled our eyes. “Pfft! We can take one night off Luna.”

“Because of you we have taken several nights off!” she countered.

“And I have confidence that we can do it again!” I told her with um…assuredness! Then, I grabbed the nearest mirror and looked at my reflection before turning my expression to look much like a puppy dog. “Pweeeeeeeeeeese?”

Luna snapped our head back and away from the mirror. “Gah! Never do that again! Our countenance should never be allowed to perform such a thing.”

Not for away, I heard Pinkie mutter. “Told ya.”

“Does that mean we can go?” I asked before looking back to our reflection with a hopeful smile that showed a brightness in our reptilian eyes and grin full of teeth that looked like they belonged on a shark. Mirrors really made this talking to yourself stuff so much easier.

All of a sudden, our expression dowered as Luna took over. “If you give an oath to never do that again. Twas creepy.”

“Great!” I exclaimed before looking over to Rarity. “Make that two extra large dresses Rares.”

“Dresses…princess for the princess dresses…two for the dresses…for princesses…”

I looked over to Celestia. “Has she been doing that this whole time we’ve been arguing?”

The other goddess gave me a reluctant look. “Yes…I’m afraid the shock may have been too much for her.”

“You want to fix it, or should I?” I asked.

“By all means.” Celestia’s horn lit up, and then she stepped back before Rarity and I were encased in a bubble.

I took in a deep breath, and…

“HEY RARITY!”

The unicorn let out a loud shriek as she jumped up into the air from me shouting in her ear loud enough to cause deafness, had Celestia not been on hand to quickly repair any damage I mean. Still, the stumbling unicorn was at least broken from her loop. “So, you good?”

Rarity groaned as she rubbed her head and Celestia removed her horn from the unicorn’s ear. “Peachy,” she grumbled.

“Good! I exclaimed. So, when would be a good time to stop by to get out measurements taken?”

I heard some laughter from beside me, and Celestia held a measuring tape in the air. “Well, it’s not that late, and we’re both here now. How about we avoid any scheduling problems and get it done tonight?” she asked before an evil smile appeared on her face. “And I seem to remember a certain argument we had a few weeks back. Over…which one of us had the better plot, was it?” She emphasized the question by putting a little wiggle on her rear end.

A startled sound came from the other end of the room, and the two of us looked over to Twilight. “You know…I think I’d better to see if Spike’s got dinner ready yet.”

“Neigh, Twilight Sparkle,” Luna commanded. “We shall require a second set of eyes to ensure Ms Rarity is correct in her reading of the measuring tape. She does appear quite haggard from the week’s events after all.”

“…ah pony feathers,” I just barely heard Twilight grumble.

As I got the rest of the girls to stick around using my ‘I’m an alicorn so do whatever the fuck I say’ ability, Celestia turned to Rarity. “Unless of course it would be too much trouble Rarity.”

For a few seconds, the unicorn looked at the way out Celestia had given her, and then shook her head with a little laugh. “No,” she said before taking the measuring tape in her magic. “And besides Your Majesties…I’m a little curious myself.”

And so, the Great Royal Booty Measuring was held to determine just which princess had the most padded plot in all of Equestria. In the following weeks and years, the results were never made known to the local community. For while the winner was given bragging rights and literally rubbed it in her sister’s face upon gaining victory, she was also placed upon a dietary regimen that would take all the joy from her triumph.

Oh, and Twilight learned that whole gift horse mouth lesson too.

I Deal With A Clown

I sighed and crossed my pony-arms as I planted my plot firmly on the ground, forced to watch the spectacle going on in front of me. Well, willingly forced. Luna couldn’t really make me do anything, but as the sun had set, she got to call all the shots thanks to our unspoken arrangement.

As for what I was watching…well, perhaps a bit of back-story is in order first.

Hours ago, Tia had been declared by Rarity to have the roundest rump in all of Equestria by several inches in a little contest Celestia and Luna had concocted weeks ago while staying the night at Twilight’s house. That contest being: who had the biggest butt. Unfortunately, I can’t blame alcohol as the cause since the library was drier than the Sahara.

Celestia’s victory was pretty much a given. I mean, she had been on a ninety-percent sweet diet for a millennium. Not to mention all the damn cooking contests she somehow ended up the judge of. All those cakes, cookies, candies and ice cream cones had turned her ass into a swollen mass of jello that jiggled with every step she took.

In contrast, Nightmare Moon’s thousand-year diet of hatred and terror had made Luna a lean, mean, fighting machine. Yes, we were equal in height, but the white alicorn had more girth to her than a creature that sustained itself via magic fed by the fear of little sleeping ponies. Although, admittedly…I think we had put on a few pounds since coming to Equestria. The cake was pretty damn good.

And had it ended there, or maybe if I had commented on how a sleek and fit mare such as ourselves were rather than the display given by the princess of pudge, things wouldn’t have turned out the way they did. But the white alicorn wasn’t exactly clean of blame either. She was the pony who turned to face her ass towards Luna and me, and said, “Well, it’s nice to see you’re still the little sister in some ways Lulu,” before she shook her fat fanny in our faces.

Now, being a non-Equestrian, I didn’t really get why it was such a big deal to Luna at first. I mean, so Celestia’s got a huge ass? So what? It’s why all the doors in the palace came in pairs.

But then, Luna explained a little something to me…

“Not having a body yourself, I understand thy confusion Nighty,” she told me. “So I will explain. The rear end of a mare is considered to be the most comely part of a female pony. Tis this area where all eyes fall upon first meeting when one is…checking out the ladies. For not only is the stallion’s final courting destination situated there, but it contains all the tells in whether the mare shall be a proper mate in terms of foal birthing, and ability to carry ample milk for her young.”

In short, pony butts were like human boobs. The bigger the better.

So, as Celestia had just bragged about her size and shook her tits in front of her smaller sister, I was more than willing to assist Luna in her plans for revenge as we flew back to Canterlot in the bat-cart.

Which brings me back to the spectacle that sat before me. Celestia lay prone upon the ground, her wings and horn had been removed by the power of my magic, rendering her completely powerless. As for Luna, she was pinning other pony in the middle of the Canterlot throne room, where dozens of thankful petitioners had been moments before. That is until we wiped them from existence.

Oh, and it’s probably worth mentioning that Luna a good fifteen feet tall as she literally sat on Celestia, nearly crushing the white alicorn into the floor with her enlarged booty.

“Mmmmm…so Sister. Nighty and I were having a conversation on our way back to the Castle,” Luna said in her normal voice, that still boomed thanks to her size. “And we have come to a conclusion.”

From her place under her sister’s ass, Celestia held a bored expression while Luna readjusted herself on her cushy seat. “Which is?”

“Thou need to go on a diet,” Luna explained. “Specifically, cut down on the cakes.”

Celestia’s reaction was instant. Instead of the passive resistance she had been undergoing up until then, the sort-of-former-alicorn with the aurora for a mane raised her head up and looked back up at her sister the best she could. “Okay, I get invading my sleep for a little payback for me having a bit of fun when Rarity was taking our measurements, and you’re probably a bit sore over that, but how in the hay does that mean I CAN’T HAVE DESSERT?”

Luna scoffed. “Revenge? I am not such a petty mare that I would do such a thing for such a reason!” Off to the side, I rolled my eyes as I watched Luna adjust herself to put more weight on Tia and force the other mare back down to the ground. “Besides, having such a contest now is hardly fair. We have been on the desolate moon for centuries, while you have had dozens of servants to bring you all manner of convections.”

The completely reasonable argument that we had worked out during the flight back as to why Luna didn’t really lose to Celestia thanks to the difference in millennium-old diets got a wide-eyed look from Celestia before she managed to roll around halfway despite her sister’s weight. “Luna, if this about your imprisonment on the moon-”

“WHAT?” the oversized mare cried out loud enough to shake the halls before she stood up and looked down at the comparatively tiny Tia. “No! This isn’t about-I already assured you Celestia, I don’t blame you for doing what was needed!” Then she backed up a step, and sat down hard enough to leave cracks in the stone before turning her nose up into the air. “Nightmare and I simply believe that not having anything to eat for a millennium put you at an unfair advantage. And your flanks are too fat.”

Celestia took a moment to look back at me with a glare.

I give nervously innocent grin and raised a hoof to wave at her. It did nothing to stop her measuring glare. “Oh, and having your body remade by a possessing spirit falls within the rules?”

Luna crossed her forelegs and sniffed. “Well if you're going to make that argument, then, we would need to abandon our heavenly mantles before proper contest can be given.”

Knocking aside my common-sense for the moment, I spoke up. “Well, there is another reason we think you could stand to lose some weight,” I said before Celestia look back at me with cold eyes that promised unending pain to those who would dare try to take her cake. “Your Majesty.”

The goddess rolled her eyes. “Nighty, you don’t need to call me that,” she said before turning to face me all the way. “And just what is this reason?”

Before I could speak, Luna leaned down so her mouth was even with Tia’s ears. “You mean besides the fact you had to clench in order to enter Rarity’s shop without harming the door’s frame?”

Celestia groaned.

I had to force myself not to laugh. It was a lot easier than it was in the real world.

Then I got onto the reason as to why Tia needed to lose a few pounds. The one that she would probably buy anyway. “Look, back in the day when Luna was around and the two of you actually had to deal with problems, she says you were much more fit mare.”

“You have let yourself go Sister,” Luna added.

As Celestia visibly restrained herself from back talking Luna, I went on. “Here’s the thing: you’re the example, the pony all the others look up to and try to emulate. And they just see you sitting around, stuffing your face, completely unconcerned with what it does to your body.” Although I wouldn’t put it past Equestria to have some kind of magical weight-loss cheat. “Plus, well…like Luna said, you’ve let yourself go. I know magic isn’t exactly a major physical activity, but…flying, dodging and bucking are. And you are the first line of defense for Equestria. So shouldn’t you be in top form to defend it?”

Celestia stared at me for a minute, almost as if she could tell my reasons were bullshit that I came up with pretty much on the spot so that Luna could enjoy some long-term revenge for Tia shaking her fat fanny in front of my host’s nose. But after enduring a stare that probably would have had me sweating bullets in the real world, she let out a loud sigh, and lowered her head. “I see your point,” she told me before looking up. “Very well Luna, I will begin a diet and exercise regimen to…get back in shape.”

“Excellent!” the gargantuan alicorn shouted before she snatched up the tinier one in her arms and nuzzled her for a few seconds. “Oh, and we would also like a rematch, after given time to…fill out a bit.”

Tia giggled. “Very well. We’ll have a proper measuring one-thousand years from now,” she said before Luna started to let go. A process Celestia stopped by holding onto her sister’s forelegs. “Wait, you’re not leaving so soon, are you?”

Luna raised an eyebrow. “You want us to stay?”

In response, Celestia let out a depressed sigh, and leaned in close to her sister. “It’s just been such a long time since I’ve seen you like this Luna-well, you know what I mean,” she said after catching herself. “I was hoping we could…enjoy each other’s company a bit more.”

“Well…Nightwing knows how to put the ponies through their paces these days,” she rumbled. “I suppose it would not hurt to take one night to…discuss things. Of course, it won’t just be us. Nighty will also be here.”

Celestia smiled. “As if I would leave her out,” she said before looking around. “Now, can one of you change the scenery to something a bit more relaxing than the throne room? I spend half of my day’s here, I don’t like the idea that it’s the same with my nights.”

A few minutes later, and the three of us were leaning our backs up against the side of a hot spring, with the bottom of the thing having an extra deep groove to accommodate Luna’s dream body as the still-horn-and-wingless Celestia laid on her sister’s chest like a little foal. I just relaxed in the crux of her right wing.

“I must say Nightmare, I much prefer the new dreamscapes you craft to the old ones that you used to assault me with,” Tia told me while her eyes remained closed. It kind of made me wonder if she could actually fall asleep while in a dream.

But my curiosity had a much better target than an inception question like that. “What do you mean? I thought Nightmare Moon, er-I was locked away in the moon.”

Celestia opened her eyes to look at me for a moment. “Hmm, perhaps it is better for us to start thinking of the two of you as different ponies...Nighty,” she said before her expression became sullen. “And as such…I do not believe it prudent to speak of such things.”

My decency and curiosity clashed. Obviously, approaching such a sore subject with Celestia and Luna was going to be opening some very old wounds, but…well…it was pony lore damnit! I wanted to know. I needed to know.

Especially if there was something hidden in it that might come to be useful later on down the line. I so took a deep breath, and tried to sound as seriousness as I could instead of the fangirl squeal that threatened to come out. “No, I…I need to know,” I told them. “I may be a different mare now, but that doesn’t mean I should just forget the past and pretend it never happened.”

Celestia sighed. “Very well, if you insist. While Luna’s body was tethered to the moon, her ability to dream walk was not. An ability Nightmare moon twisted for her dark pleasures.”

“She took joy in tormenting ponies through their dreams, sometimes making ponies too afraid to go to sleep,” Luna added in a soft tone. “And then there were the sleepwalkers. Ponies drawn so deep into sleep she could control their movements much like a marionette. Dark were the deeds she had them commit in her name.”

“I was her favorite target though,” Celestia said. “At least once a week, Nightmare Moon would visit me in my dreams and…torture me. Sometimes it was physical, and anypony who tells you that you cannot feel pain in a dream does not know what she is talking about. But mostly, the suffering she gave me was the kind that would carry on into the day. Nightmare would assault my mind with images of Luna and later…my…other…failures.”

I didn’t need to be a mind-reader to know what Tia was talking about. “You mean like your failed students?” I asked. My conscience promised to bug the crap outta me later, even if it had to be done.

Celestia froze for a second. “No, that…well, Yes…and no. There was one of my former pupils that I…grew very attached to in recent years,” she said before taking a deep breath and sighing. “Her name was Sunset Shimmer. And she was by far…my greatest failure.

“During the first year she was under my tutelage, her parents were lost to her. Because of that, I found myself growing closer to her than any other pony I have ever instructed. At first, I thought such a thing was fate, her presence fit perfectly with my plans for your return. Only…when she started to question my teachings and outright challenge my authority, I was too blind and foolish to do anything about it before drastic measures needed to be taken in order to try and correct her path. Measures which backfired upon me terribly. And now my little sun is gone.”

As Luna drew her oversized wing across Tia in a hug, I gave her a good ten seconds before pressing the question. “How did she die?” That time, I didn’t have to fake an emotion. I was worried that Sunset might have actually died instead of run off to human land.

“Nighty,” Luna growled.

Only to be hushed by Celestia. “No, it’s alright,” she told her big little sister before giving me a little smile. “Sunset disappeared through a magical portal a few years ago. She was headstrong and determined, and refused to heed my warnings about its magic. She wanted to know about its magic, and I…I just told her that it was something she wasn’t ready to hear.”

The goddess sighed and hung her head. “If only I had been up front with her concerning that…bucking mirror…she would never have gone through it,” she mumbled to herself before shaking her head. “Why couldn’t I have just told her what I knew? At least then, she would still be here in Equestria instead of wherever she ended up.”

“Blame not yourself Sister,” Luna told the smaller pony. “Although I know not what transpired between the two of you, I know that every one of your actions was born of love.”

As Celestia seemed to take some comfort in Luna’s words, I sighed. “Wish I could have met her,” I mumbled wistfully before looking back to Tia. “Do you have a picture of her in your room?” The answer to which was no. I had already looked. “Or something of hers, like a journal?”

The seconds that Celestia took to answer took forever to pass. “I stored the paintings that were made of her years ago, I couldn’t bear the heartache they brought. And…I don’t know what happened to the journal we used to communicate with her. In my rush to rid myself of the reminders and try to move on…I lost it.”

The news that Celestia had lost Sunset’s journal, while hard to take, wasn’t all that unexpected. The sunny unicorn had been gone for years, and I couldn’t believe that Tia wouldn’t have tried reaching out to her at least once since then. But if she didn’t know where the damn thing was, it made much more sense.

Unfortunately, that meant the only clue I had to its location was the fact that it turned up in Twilight’s castle when she needed to stock the library. A little convenient, but as I was actually in Equestria, I wasn’t going to just shove the one lead there was on the thing aside as bad writing.

After that, Luna switched the conversation to a happier topic. Then, when the old hags had tired about talking of the good old days, we talked a little about government and the budget, what could be done about the next to useless Equestrian military now that Luna was back, and some other minor things.

Although, I did have something serious and much more pressing than Sunset that I thought needed to be brought up. “Hey Celestia. I know I’m just an advisor and whatnot, but…I’ve been thinking a lot lately about Equestrian security, and there was something I wanted to ask you about.”

With her spirits more or less restored, Celestia looked over to me and smiled. “You don’t need to be so roundabout Nighty, just ask me.”

“Well…remember how I got out of my lunar prison after a thousand years even though the Elements of Harmony put me away?” I began…

The following afternoon when we awoke, after a morning hello from the girls and all that other stuff we did, I walked through the Canterlot garden next to Tia, discussing important matters of state. And by that, I mean actual important shit, not some pretty pony princess thing.

“Look, I’m not saying they actually have to do anything,” I told Celestia. “You can just post a few as lookouts. It’s a big gaping hole in our national security that we’ve got a literal entrance to the underworld that has no guards on its border. Just put a few pegasi out there with orders to come and get us if there’s trouble.”

Celestia sighed. “That’s what Cerberus is for.”

I quickly shot past Celestia’s verbal block with my superior intellect. “To what? Keep ponies out? What about the stuff that might escape? And if something did? How would we even know it? I don’t speak dog? Do you speak dog Tia?”

“Oh, I speak dog.”

I held up a wing to quiet the sound behind me.

After a few seconds, Celestia sighed and rolled her eyes. “Very well Nighty, in order to comfort your fears, I will have a wing of pegasi stationed near Tartarus with orders to observe the entrance and report back to us should anything happen,” she said before we came to our destination.

That destination being a statue of the most fucked up creature of all time. Even seeing him in stone, I could already tell the show really didn’t do Discord justice. Not only was he a hodgepodge of animals rolled into one, the mishmash of animal parts were of the correct size. The bat wing was much too small for his body, while the feathered one seemed oversized. The same was true with his arms, with the lion paw connected to the furry part of his body in an oddest way that probably would have made the limb useless on another creature, while the eagle talon was pitifully short. Although the widest part of him was the serpent tail at the end of him, that was somehow twice as large as the middle part of his body.

“Well, let’s get this over with,” Celestia said as her horn lit up like the sun. Then, she pointed it at the statue. I did the same, letting Luna guide the magic as we cast our spells in preparation for Discord’s release. Seconds later, cracks appeared the stone, and it shattered into a thousand pieces that turned to dust as they were thrown off the creature’s body.

As soon as the freak was freed, the skies overhead darkened and the mismatched monster let out a deep cackle that resonated in my ears. “Free! Free at last!” Discord said as he floated up into the air before looking down on us two alicorns standing before him. “Oh-ho! If you think I was bad before you locked me up, I…um…Luna? Did you put on some height?”

I gave him a deadpanned stare, and kept Luna from yelling at the monster. Things like him got off on pissing people off. “So, I take it by your ‘after one-thousand years of I’m free, it’s time to torment Equestria’ spiel-”

“Pfft! As if I would ever say something so corny,” Discord replied as he crossed his arms.

Celestia sighed and shook her head. “Discord,” she said, drawing the chaos spirit’s attention. “After seeing the former captor of my sister have a change of heart, I am willing to offer you a chance at continued freedom.”

“Oh this should be good,” he mumbled with a roll of his eyes. “Let me guess. You want me to be a good little member of society and follow all your stupid little rules, spreading rainbows and all that nonsense everywhere?”

Before Celestia could give the affirmative, Luna spoke. “That is the general idea, yes.”

“Oh yeah? Well how is it living free if I have to live by rules, huh?” he demanded. “Rules constrict, they restrain, they-”

Luna cut into Discord’s rant before he could get very far with a deadpan tone. “Sister, he is attempting to circumvent the anti-teleportation spells we put in place around him.”

The other goddess sadly shook her head. “I offered you a chance Discord,” she said before looking back to the empty garden behind us. “Girls, take formation please.”

“Girls? Silly Celestia, there’s no one behind-oh meadow muffins,” the draconequus said a second after the invisibility spell vanished to reveal six ponies of every color standing behind us, wearing the Elements of Harmony. “Oh yeah, well I’ll just…oh COME ON!”

I couldn’t help but smirk as Discord’s outstretched hand failed to do anything to the girls, or the jewelry they were wearing as it encountered a dark blue barrier. “Yeah, like we weren’t going to use a ton of magic to protect the girls and the Elements. Enjoy the taste of rainbows!”

“THIS IS SO NOT FAIR!” Discord shouted. A second later, the barrier shattered as the Elements released their magic and struck the mismatched monster, its magic slowly petrifying him from the ground up. “I’LL GET OUT OF THIS ONE DAY, AND WHEN I DO-”

With Discord’s mouth turning to stone, the threat went unfinished.

“We shan’t hold our breath,” Luna said before she had me look over to her sister. Softhearted as ever, Tia actually looked a little sad over the fact we had just KO’d one of the biggest threats to Equestria without a single pony’s life disrupted. Not to mention the plans I suggested while we were all asleep about making a reinforced mystical prison that would keep his stiffness problem from ever coming up again. “So Sister. Now that our noon-day work is done, I am feeling rather hungry. Shall we invite the girls to break our fast?”

Celestia looked up at us with a little smile, and nodded. “Very well Luna. Let’s…go back inside.”

For once, Canterlot Castle’s dining table was nearly close to full. With the six guests, me, Tia, Shiny and Cadance, we made two rows of ponies while Celestia sat at the head of the table. Luna had been offered a seat at the other end, but I managed to talk her out of it in lieu of sitting between AJ and Pinkie Pie.

For some reason, Tia looked a little jealous at the decision. According to her sister’s evaluation anyway.

“So,” Applejack said between bites of her fancy gelatinous apple dish that seemed to have equal amounts of decoration as it did food. “Not that Ah’m complaining Princess, but what was such a big deal that ya had to call us all down here to take care of that statue fella?”

“Yeah, he didn’t seem like that big a problem,” Rainbow Dash added.

Twilight let out a painful groan. “Didn’t either of you listen in your Ancient Equestrian History classes?” she deadpanned.

While Applejack thought about the question for a moment and then shook her head, Rainbow Dash simply lifted her shoulders in a shrug before speaking. “Eh, they probably held off a class that boring for the year I didn’t go.”

Twilight blinked, the expression on her face telling me that it was taking her mind to process that little statement. “Wait a minute…you dropped out of school?!”

Wanting to avoid whatever rant Purple Smart was about to go into, I sighed and started talking. “Discord was one of the most terrifying threats Equestria ever faced. He was able to defeat Princess Luna and Celestia in combat, and apparently kicked them off the throne for an undetermined amount of time-”

“Four days,” Celestia added after wiping her mouth with a napkin. “We had to retreat and heal for three days after he dropped a volcano on top of us, and then spent a day retrieving the Elements of Harmony.”

The new bit of information drew Twilight’s attention like a moth to a flame. “He defeated you Princess?”

“Oh my, that must have been frightening,” Fluttershy added.

Luna scoffed. “While inconvenient for us, the four days of his rule were a torture on the sanity of our little ponies,” she told the pegasus sitting across from us. “Discord took pleasure in destroying a pony’s grip on reality until they could no longer tell what was real and what was merely an illusion concocted by their fearful mind.”

As all of the little ponies around us got a frightened look on their faces at such a prospect, Celestia cleared her throat. “I believe my sister exaggerates a bit.”

“And you continue to lie to yourself about the depths of his depravity Sister,” Luna countered with a frown. “But I was there to see the terrors he planted in the minds of our little ponies while they slept, as well as their memories of the events. Discord was a creature that took joy in the suffering of others. What other word for that is there besides monster?”

With the conversation getting a little too heavy, I looked over to the white unicorn sitting on the other side of the table. “Sooooo Rarity! How’re those dress designs for Luna and Celestia coming?”

Celestia was quick to jump in on that too. “It’s only been a day Nighty,” she said before looking over to the pony in question. “I’d much rather you be getting some sleep my little pony. You looked absolutely ragged last night at the show Rarity.”

The comment from her goddess got a flinch from Rarity, although all of the other girls sunk much lower in their seats that she did.

“Yeah…super sorry about all that again Rarity,” Pinkie said before she looked away from the unicorn before the marshmallow could turn to look her in the eyes.

But Rarity just held up her hoof. “Girls, I remind you, the fashion show was my idea in the first place. It was my own foolishness that kept me from simply pushing it back because of all the alterations on your dresses,” she told them. “And it all worked out in the end. Hoity-Toity’s ordered ten of each dress for his store here in Canterlot!”

While all the other girls looked overjoyed at the news, Celestia wasn’t. “I hope that you told him you will be needing a great deal of rest to recover first,” she said before her eyes narrowed. “Because if you intend to go on another sewing binge, I will personally drag you onto a bed in this castle and hold you there until I am satisfied that you have caught up on your sleep. Understand?”

The threat got a nervous nod. “Understood princess.”

Tia slumped just a little and shook her head. “I’m sorry, it’s just…you girls are very dear to me. And considering your importance, I don’t want any undue stress put on any of you,” she said before focusing on the unicorn again. “If you can’t stop working for financial reasons Rarity, I would be more than willing to offer you all a…retainer for your position as the Bearer of Generosity.”

“Pfft!” Rainbow Dash scoffed. “You kidding? Rarity’s got more money than all of-wait, how much we talking about here?”

“Rainbow!” Twilight scolded the friend sitting next to her.

Completely ignoring the little unicorn sitting as next to her as she could be, Celestia gave a minute shrug. “Well, considering that you all saved the world on your first use of the Elements, and ensured another threat to Equestria remained locked away…I can assure you all that it would be more than enough to live comfortably for the rest of your lives without needing to lift a hoof.”

All of the little ponies stared at the goddess for several minutes with wide eyes. Then, Pinkie spoke. “So…we’d basically be like Twilight?”

“What?” Twilight yelled as the question before looking back over to Pinkie. “Hey! I have a job!”

Rainbow Dash snorted. “Yeah, running the Ponyville Library that the town barely bothers to use. Hay, I’m probably the pony that…goes…in there…the most,” she said, a dumbfounded expression crossing her face as the pony came to a horrible realization. “Wait, does that make me a nerd?!”

Next to the blue pegasus Twilight groaned at her friend’s reaction before she looked over to the rest of the ponies. “Look, I work. Therefore, it is a job.”

“Oh no Rainbow Dash,” Fluttershy assured her gently from the other side of the table. “You’re just as, um…you as ever.”

“But how many hours do you put in doing library work?” Pinkie asked Twilight. “I mean, it seems like you’re always willing to help any of us out when we have a problem. Plus, there’s all those jobs you do in the library that are just there because you made them up. I mean, just how many times do books need to be re-shelved a month? It just seems like busy work instead of, you know, work that needs to be done.”

Twilight only looked over to Pinkie, and blinked at her with a dumbfounded expression.

“Hey Rares, I got a question about them dresses,” Applejack spoke up, drawing the unicorn’s attention. “You mean that fru-fru pony’s gonna be selling the dresses we’re supposta be wearin’ to the Gala? Ah thought we were gonna be the only ones with them things on.”

Beside me, Pinkie blinked and nodded as she switched conversations on the fly. “Hey, yeah! What’s up with that?”

Then Fluttershy added her two bits. “Oh, I don’t mind being able to blend in with the crowd.”

“Oh relax girls,” Rarity assured them. “Those dresses wont be on the market until after the Gala.”

Celestia nodded in approval. “Good. Then you do have some time to get some sleep,” she said before he glanced over to me and Luna for a second. “Although…you do remember the instructions I gave you regarding my dress, yes?”

I raised an eyebrow at the comment, but didn’t comment on it as Rarity looked back and forth between Luna and Celestia. “Oh yes, about that. I was doing some brainstorming this morning, and had an idea,” she said. “I though the two of you could go as an opposite couple!”

“A what?” Luna asked.

Rarity turned to address us directly. “Well Princess, I was thinking that since this is your first Gala, sort of a coming back party, if you will.”

“Oh! We should have one of those!” Pinkie exclaimed.

From her place at the head of the table, Celestia sighed and hung her head. “We did Pinkie. It…didn’t go very well.”

“Ahem…yes…well,” Rarity went on, slowly plowing through the somber mood that hung over the room with Celestia’s information. “What I was thinking was that I could use the same basic design for both dresses, but different colors and decoration. As you no doubt know Princess, the way a pony dresses in Canterlot says a lot about them. In this way, you will be declaring that you are equal to Princess Celestia, but work towards the same goals. You are sisters, but still your own pony. Night and day!”

With her verbal presentation finished, Rarity smiled at us. “What do you think?”

Luna smiled. “Ah, very inventive Ms Rarity.”

For some reason, I caught Celestia letting out a relieved sigh at Luna’s response. Then, she looked around at the girls. “So, anypony else have some good news they want to share?”

Faster than the eye could follow, Pinkie’s foreleg was in the air. “Ohhh! Oh! Oh! Pick me! I have something neat to share!” she said before Celestia nodded in her direction. “The day after tomorrow, Princess Luna and Nighty are taking me to see Ponyacci!”

Hearing that bit of news for the first time, I looked down at the little pink pony that was hugging the crap out of my leg. “Wait…I thought we were going to the circus,” I sort of asked Pinkie. I had seen the add in the Canterlot Times a few days ago before coming to Ponyville for Rarity’s thing, and thought it would be a nice little bonding experience for me and Pinkie.

She would be entertained, and I wouldn’t have to talk to her. It was a win-win.

“Ponyacci is the headliner clown for the Grand Equestrian Circus,” Celestia explained with a little smile. “I’ve seen his work, it’s quite good.”

“He’s my idol!” the pink pony exclaimed.

The statement filled me with dread. If Pinkie idolized him for being a goofball… Visions of some kind of…super-Pinkie ran through my head as I tried to keep a straight face. “Oh that’s…” I told myself to keep my voice steady, didn’t want to worry the little pink puffball. It wasn’t her fault she was unbearably crazy. “That’s great Pinkie.”

And Pinkie looked up at me with those kinds of eyes that only a child could properly use. You know, the big blue sparkly ones that were all full of hope. “And then we’ll have a super-duper bonding adventure, and become the bestest best of besties!”

With my personal space continuing to be obliterated by the presence of Pinkie Pie, all I could think of was, God dammit you stupid donkey! When the hell are you going to Ponyville to teach Pinkie about people needing personal time?

Shortly afterwards, the desert cart was rolled in, and everyone learned why I had insisted all of the girls keep wearing their Elements of Harmony during the meal when I reminded Celestia about her diet.

The morning after our easy-button win against Discord, I awoke as a mare on a mission. I had no time or inclination for games. When Sparkler approached my bed and prepared for the morning hug, I held off on indulging and simply sat up to hear Twinkleshine go on about the latest bit of reports and news from around Equestria.

Then came time for Luna’s morning bath, and we got down for a soak shortly before the fourth pony in our entourage came galloping into our bedroom, and then to the bathroom right as Minuette went to work on combining Luna’s tail.

Luna gave the pony in the purple sweater a frown. “Ah Moondancer, thou art late,” she said in a no-nonsense tone. “It does not reflect well upon thy character to not be on time on the first day.”

“I’m sorry Your Highness!” she said as she put her nose to the floor in a bow. “I just…well, I ran into Twilight Sparkle at the library yesterday when she was um…discussing the duties of a head librarian with another pony, and time got away from us! It won’t happen again, I swear!”

I rolled my eyes. “Relax Mooner,” I said before waving her groveling off with a hoof. “We’re not going to fire you for being late on your first day.”

She looked up and her expression softened. “Thank you, Your Highness!” she said before looking over to Minuette and mouthed ‘Mooner’?

My not-dentist giggled. “Get used to it Mooner. The princess has special names for all of us.”

I raised an eyebrow and looked back to Minuette. “I haven’t called you colt-gate in weeks Minuette.”

The blue pony blushed and looked away. “Of course, sorry Your-uh, Nighty.”

Although I didn’t have time now, I made a mental note to have a private talk with Minuette to see if anything was bothering her. She looked a little...off. “Now, down to business,” I said, turning back to Moondancer. “There’s something I need to ask you.”

“I thought I was the one to make use of Mooner,” Luna said.

“Yeah, but I might as well have her do something for me if she has the skills for it,” I told Luna. “I mean, she is a library rat after all.”

My mention of the library got a groan from Luna. “Ugh, not this again. Nighty, will you not abandon this foolish search of yours? Tis nothing but a waste of time.”

“Yeah? Well it’s my time to waste...sort of, so…” I looked around and focused on the bathroom mirror above the sink. “Nah!” I replied as I stuck my tongue out at Luna. Also, I made a mental note to hire another hoof maiden to follow me around with a handy mirror. Talking to Luna when there was a reflection around was so much easier than just looking at her body. Less dizzying too.

Moondancer tilted her head in confusion. “So…you want me to find a book?”

The question got a short from Luna. “A book she does not know the title nor contents of,” the alicorn said.

“I’ll know it when I see it! Uh…instinctive knowledge, and all that,” I told Luna. It would have a big golden and red sun on the cover. No title, no author credit, no nothing. Just Sunset’s cutie mark. I looked back to Moondancer. “I know it’s in the castle somewhere. Thing is, I’ve already searched all of the archives, and haven’t been able to find it.” Not to mention the places where it should have been, like under Celestia’s bed. “I just need to know if there’s anyplace else where it could be stored without sticking out.”

Moondancer tapped her chin. “Well…there might be a copy in the backup book depository,” she said before a distant look entered into Moondancer’s eyes.

Luna raised an eyebrow that I had to keep up while she spoke. “What, pray tell, is that?”

Shaking off her distraction, the mare looked back to us as I lifted my wet front hoof out of the water for Twinkleshine to continue with the morning grooming. “Oh! Well, when the Manehattan Library burned down fifty years ago, a lot of antique literature that was in storage there was lost, one of a kind books that were display only. To keep it from happening again, Princess Celestia ordered a storage area constructed in Canterlot where at least one copy of every book in Equestria would be stored to keep that from happening again. There’s even supposed to be spells on the vault to protect the books from fire damage and aging. It’s built into the mountain, but…it’s still technically part of the castle.”

I frowned at the suggestion. Although it was a collection of books that I hadn’t gone through, I seriously doubted that the every book in Equestria thing included private journals. On the other hand, if Twilight’s library did burn down…it made sense that Tia would get the replacements from such a place. But that didn’t mean I saw a few flaws with the idea. “Okay, but just how accessible is this thing?”

“Every library has a drop box for new donations to the emergency archives Your Highness, but if you mean how many ponies can actually go inside…it requires Princess Celestia’s permission to get into the vault.”

“Wait,” Luna spoke up. “If only a royal can get inside, then how are new tomes added? And how do they check to make sure there are not too many copies of the same work?”

Moondancer shrugged. “Well, I know Princess Celestia deposits them herself, and there are clerks that go through the donations to make sure no more than ten copies of a single book are stored at any time,” she said before becoming hesitant. “But…I don’t know how the shelves are stocked, or even what system Princess Celestia would use. She predates normal library sorting methods.”

I snorted. “Eh, who cares? And if you need a royal to get in, then Luna can do it, right Princess?” I asked my reflection sweetly.

“Ugh…I suppose,” she admitted.

“Great!” I exclaimed before looking back to Moondancer. “So, we’ll let you in, and you find what I need, sound good?”

“W-Wait a second!” Moondancer cut in. “You want me to search through every book in Equestria for a book you don’t even know the title to? How in the hay am I supposed to do that?”

The pony’s panicked reply at the seemingly impossible task gave me pause. “Okay…you got a point there,” I said before quickly revising the plan. “How about you get some books from storage, bring them to me, and then I’ll tell you if any of them are the book I want?”

There was also something else. Something I was missing… “Oh! And I’ll have list drawn up of every book in the Royal Library so you don’t end up bringing me a book I know isn’t the book I’m looking for, sound good?”

Moondancer stared at me with wide eyes, her body slightly slumped. “Wha?”

“Great!” I said stepping out of the bath so that Twinkie and Minuette could work their magic on some scrapers and towels to start getting rid of the excess water clinging to Luna’s coat.

With Mooner’s assignment assigned and me dried off, I directed the girls out of the room, and then wrapped Minuette in Luna’s magic to pull her back in and floated the little unicorn in front of my face. She looked a little confused at the action. “Uh…Princess?”

“Tis not I that am responsible for this,” Luna told her.

After I got Luna’s mouth back under my control, I gave the unicorn a little grin. “Oh hey Minuette, you feeling okay? I noticed you look a bit…off this morning.”

Her eyes widened for a second, and then she blushed and looked away. “It’s…nothing, Nighty. Nothing you need to worry about anyway.”

I frowned at her for a few seconds. “Yes it is. You’re our friend,” I told her before shrugging. “Besides, it’s Luna’s job to monitor the mental health of all Equestrians. So spill, or you’re just going to give us this extra job to do later tonight.”

All of a sudden, my mouth started moving on its own again. “You need not sound so professional about it Nighty,” Luna scolded me. “Now, open our forelegs and bring our attendant in for a hug so that we may offer emotional comfort.”

Minuette grunted when she hit my chest, and I don’t think I gave her much room to breathe with the amount of force I held her against Luna’s body with before I brought in my wings to cocoon her completely. At least I hoped that was the reason for Minuette’s face turning as red as it did. I really didn’t want her developing a crush on Luna while I was still inside the alicorn.

“P-Princess, you really don’t have to do this,” she whined.

“Yes I do,” Luna told her gently after directing me to get down close to whisper in her ear. “You were not only one of the first ponies to accept me, but you and your friend were willing to approach closer than any others to serve me,” she told the mare gently. “You keep loneliness that I have experienced for a thousand years at bay. While there are others that I hold in higher esteem, your company is a constant gift that I treasure greatly. So please, tell me what bothers you my little pony. I shall do my best to correct it.”

Minuette gulped. “Hugs.”

I blinked, or maybe it was Luna. I think we were both confused at our toothpaste-pony’s response. “Huh?”

“Well it’s just…the past few days, all you’ve been doing is hugging Sparkler in the morning!” Minuette complained. “And she doesn’t do nearly as much as me or Twinkleshine! But you give her all the attention.”

That cleared things up for me quite a bit. Although, I didn’t think the pony formally known as Colgate would have been angry about that. “Wait…I thought you hated getting snuggled in the morning,” I said to the unicorn.

In contrast, Sparkler knew how to just roll with the grab. Derpy was very big on letting her kids know how much she loved them in a physical way, and years of experience had made the little unicorn an expert on taking even the most cuddling snuggle with little difficulty.

Minuette just let out a little embarrassed moan. “Well…I got used to them,” she said in the most adorable way possible.

“Then Nighty and I will simply have to start spreading our physical appreciation around again,” Luna said before ordering me to nuzzle the equine with the lighter coat before we let her go. “And to show you both that I am quite grateful for your work, would you like to accompany us to the circus tomorrow night?”

“Wait,” I spoke up. “I thought we were taking Pinkie.”

Luna let out a chuckle. “You are taking Pinkie Pie. I am taking Minuette and Twinkleshine,” she told me before we looked back to the blue unicorn. “That is, if you wish to accompany us to sit in the royalty section.”

Minuette’s wide eyes and broad smile told me her answer before a single syllable was uttered.

The Great Equestrian Circus was exactly what I expected it to be. Just…without the animals. Unless you counted the ponies I mean. There were trapezes performers, tightrope walkers, and a bunch of other minor acts that were apparently there to get the crowd all warmed up for the main event.

Up above most of the crowd, Pinkie, Minuette, Twinkleshine and me/Luna sat in the royal box seat, filling it to near capacity. As much as I wanted to share the moment with Pinkie, I ended up with both of my girls flanking me. Although considering how much she jumped up and down at the acts, it was probably for the best.

With it being after dark, Nightwing came along as well. Not to mention a few dozen members of the Night Guard. Luna had decided to give them a semi-night off, just having a few work security for the event thanks to her presence. However, the captain of said guard refused to go into the box, and remained at his post outside our little sitting area.

As the trapeze act concluded, all the ponies stomped their hooves and I leaned back to whisper to Nightwing. “Have a guard follow them out to their wagon to make sure nothing happens to them Captain,” I ordered the bat-pony.

Nightwing looked over at me with as close as he ever came to wearing a surprised face. “Do you suspect something might happen tonight Mistress?”

“Let’s hear it for the mother-son team of Robin and Flying Gray!” the ring master shouted, getting even more stomps from the assembled ponies. Although why they were cheering for a pair of pegasi on the trapeze didn’t make much sense to me. No danger, no thrill.

I resisted the urge to smirk. “Just a weird feeling I’ve got is all.”

“You know my standing orders in regards to Nighty’s commands,” Luna told him. “Off with you now, the main event is about to start.”

A second later, all the lights went out, with the exception of a beacon that shined upon the center ring and the “Now without further ado, fillies, gentlecolts, and foals of all ages, prepare yourself for the astounding antics of Equestria’s silliest star…PONYACCI!”

Upon the announcement of his name, the stand exploded in a mass of confetti, and revealed a pony in a colorful clown costume wearing face paint of white and green and blue, with a star on his forehead and big circles drawn at the end of his mouth. “Hey-Hey there! Who’s ready to laugh?”

As the night continued, I found myself impressed by the clown’s antics, if not entertained by the humor. Unfortunately, horse jokes didn’t really work all that well when they were actually trying to be funny. Still, the stallion sure as hell made up for the quality with quantity. He juggled freakishly heavy objects with his rear hooves while balancing on a ball, performed magic tricks despite being an earth pony, played a twelve instrument band, and even went up on the high wire. Throughout it all though, he cracked plenty of jokes with plenty of good timing.

My companions seemed to enjoy it a great deal, even Luna, who had us clap our hooves together and stomp them on the ground so much that I was afraid our box was going to break apart. So, even though I didn’t get most of what was going on, I managed to have a good time since I saw Minuette, Twinkleshine and Pinkie Pie having fun.

But as with all good things, the clown’s act came to an end, and it was time to go. Because of Luna’s celebrity status, we accepted a special thanks for our attendance and ducked out a bit earlier than everyone else. After getting a little bit away from the crowd, I finally asked the obligatory question.

“So, did you girls have fun?”

Being the most serious of the group, although I’ll admit we were setting the bar pretty low, Twinkleshine nodded and smiled. “Oh yes! Thank you for inviting us Princess Luna.”

“Fun?” Minuette asked with a bright smile. “We had a blast! That was so amazing. Thank you both so much!”

“Yeah! Thank you Princess Luna Nighty!” Pinkie agreed as she pulled the string on a doll that was made to look like the pony we had just seen to make it talk. She had another back home but…I had thought Pinkie might want a newer version.

“The drinks were a little flat.”

All four of us looked over to Nightwing, and I rolled my eyes.

Men! They sucked no matter what species they were.

Still, with the show over, it didn’t look like there was much else to do.

With space being at a premium in Canterlot, the circus had been set up down at the foot of the mountain, and that meant ponies were lining up to board the train. But I didn’t want Pinkie and the girls to go just yet! Even if she was kind of the most annoying pony since she hadn’t learned how to tone down the wackiness yet, Pinkie was still packing her Mane Six membership card.

She deserved more than just a free night to a show that had been sold out for week and free food! She needed…well…something like…

“Ponyacci’s my idol you know,” Pinkie told the girls. “He’s forgotten more about comedy than most ponies ever learn!”

Like a lighting bolt, inspiration struck me. “Hey Pinkie, girls…you want to go meet him?”

Their little conversation stopped, and all three of the little mares turned towards me with wide eyes. “You can do that?” the pink one asked.

Luna took a second to frown at them. “We are the Princess of Equestria. I think that we are more than capable of arranging an audience with a clown young Pie.”

It was the cab drivers in Manehattan that we’d be having trouble with.

Like Luna predicted, no one in the circus was stupid or ballzy enough to try and stop an alicorn twice their size when she was being followed by a sugary fangirl en route to her idol.

Finding Ponyacci’s wagon didn’t prove very hard. All Luna had to do was ask directions. She didn’t even need to yell. But...it didn’t really look much like a Hollywood superstar’s trailer. In fact, it didn’t look all that much bigger than Trixie’s wagon seemed to be on the show. Just a mobile bedroom rather than a full house.

As not to scare the clown off, I had the girls hold Pinkie back while I approached the house and knocked four times on the door.

“One moment,” a…less than cheerful voice called out from inside the trailer before I could hear an uneven clip clop of hooves from inside. Then when the door opened, I blinked at the stallion that stood before me.

He…wasn’t quite what I was expecting.

A dark tan coat covered his body, but the stallion’s mane was a dark gray, and a little bit frazzled. It looked like it was trying to be poofy, but just didn’t have the energy. While nowhere near the level of decrepit Granny Smith was, I did catch some age lines underneath the pony’s golden eyes. And if I could notice them, it said plenty about his years.

Although after seeing me, his eyes widened, and the stallion went into a deep bow. “Princess Luna. I’m sorry your majesty! Nopony told me that you wanted to see me.”

“At ease my little pony,” she assured him. “Tis my compatriots that wished for an audience to meet you. I simply provided them the opportunity. Although, I did enjoy thy performance a great deal.”

As the aging stallion looked over to Pinkie, the party pony squealed and jumped out of the grip of the unicorns before rushing over. “Hello Mr Ponyacci sir! My name’s Pinkie Pie. With two Ps, two Es and three eyes!” she said with a wink. “I’m your biggest fan! Can you sign this for me?”

Ponyacci chuckled as she shoved the doll in his face. “Of course Ms Pie. Let me just get a pen,” he said before turning around, and wincing terribly. “Agh!”

While Pinkie and Minuette let out gasps of horror at seeing the other pony cringe in pain, Twinkleshine stepped forward. “Are you alright Mr Ponyacci?”

“I-I’m fine,” he assured the pink-haired unicorn with a little smile. “I just strained a muscle or two during tonight’s performance. That’s all.”

“Allow me to examine you jester,” Luna told him gently, if in a no nonsense tone. I willed some magic into the horn, and let Luna guide me through the motions for a spell I had seen her use plenty of times whenever a guard got hurt in training. A moment later, the pony was surrounded by a blue light and carried out of the trailer while Luna began to focus her magic on a particular area.

I decided to play the political relations pony. “Sorry if this is a bit embarrassing. Luna tends to just do what needs doing sometimes.”

When the old pony gave me an odd look at the change in my speech pattern, Pinkie jumped in. “Oh, that’s Nighty, she’s some kind of ancient mind monster that took over Luna’s body and turned her into Nightmare Moon. But you don’t have to worry, she’s friendly now. And they’re kind of stuck together.”

Right as Pinkie’s introduction ended, Luna had me put the stallion back on the ground and started talking. “I have done what I could. There will still be some soreness for the next few days, but thy body should be up to its usual form by next week.”

The stallion nodded. “Thank you Princess,” he said before looking down at the formerly injured leg. A few seconds of looking at it made him sigh, and he shook his head and looked back at me and Luna with a sad expression. “Maybe I should take this as a sign. Performing for royalty. That…seems like a good way to go out, wouldn’t you say?”

“WHAT?” Pinkie Pie shouted. “W-What do you mean go out? You sound like you're quitting! But that’s not right, is it Ponyacci? Y-You can’t quit! You’re the bestest best clown in Equestria! W-What’s wrong? Don’t you like clowning around anymore?”

Ponyacci sighed, and looked over to Pinkie as his eyes took on an even heavier look to them. “That may be true Ms Pie, but…you need to understand something,” he began. “I’ve been a clown for a very long time, probably before you were even born. But being a clown takes its toll on you, and even though I love doing it…well, you yourself saw how I was after tonight’s show. I’m not a young pony anymore Ms Pie, and although the spirit is willing, the coat is old and spongy in some places.”

He looked back to his cutie mark, and I blinked at the image. It was a ponified version of the comedy half of the old Greek symbol for drama. “Comedy may be my talent Ms Pie, but…what’s a pony to do if he just can’t perform anymore?”

“Oh my, that certainly is terrible,” Luna told him with as much sympathy as I had ever heard her use. And…I could see how she would emphasize with the guy. Luna went nuts because of all the stuff involving no one appreciating her night. For her to see a pony unable to even do what he was meant to do…it must have brought up some bad memories.

“NO!” Pinkie shouted, more in horror than anger as she pointed a hoof at the stallion. “You’re just…you’re just a little sad over having a bad slip-n-fall!”

Minuette reached up to touch Pinkie Pie on the shoulder. “Pinkie. It’s not that he wants to quit-”

The pink pony shook her head fiercely. “You’re just having a bad night, that’s all! You just need to cheer up a bit. Then everything will be fine!” she insisted before she ran so fast over to a crate marked confetti cannon and jumped inside it.

A tingle of fear crept down my spine, and I wondered if now would be a good time to get gone before all the weird shit started happening. I mean, Pinkie Pie just…did something Pinkie! She did something Pinkie while in distress, which meant she was going to-BAM!

I sighed as Pinkie exploded out of the crate in a storm of smoke and confetti while music began to play in the background despite there being no instruments around anywhere.

Fuck it, I told myself before sitting down to watch the show. Might as well enjoy it, and learn to just get the fuck out faster next time.

Then, as two dozen balloons flew out of the box she was in, Pinkie pie jumped out, and began to sing and prance around.

In order to try and convince her idol not to hand in his resignation, she went about in her little musical number juggling all sorts of things while balancing on a ball, spun plates on three of her hooves, played the accordion and fired off a party cannon two or three times. In short, she went all out, using every trick of the older pony’s that she knew, ending it all in a grand fireworks display with a blast from her personal party cannon.

…that was…somehow inside the circus supplies.

I did my best to ignore that fact.

When it was all over, the pink party pony posed in a rain of confetti, with two of her hooves in the air. She held her stance as she panted for breath with a hopeful look on her face. “So…did I…convince you to keep clowning around?”

Taking in all the impossibility in front of him like it was an everyday occurrence, the old stallion gave her a warm smile. And then the old bastard proceeded to rip out my little Pinkie Pie’s heart before he took a knife and gutted her hopes and dreams, tossing them to the ground like trash with a single word. “No.”

As Pinkie let out a disappointed whine, the dried up old hack of a clown walked around examining her props. “Although if it makes you feel any better, your performance was excellent,” he began in an attempt to avoid a life where every moment he lay asleep would be a living hell. “Your singing and juggling was good, but you could use a bit more balance while rolling your ball around. Try inflating it a little bit more, it’ll give you a firmer surface.”

When he was done poking at Pinkie’s ball, the stallion looked at her cannon. “Hmm, this is a Z&R model, right? Try putting two parts glitter to one part confetti, you’ll get a better bang. Oh, and your accordion sounds a bit out of tune. You need to play it at least once every six months to see if it needs tinkering with.”

Minuette laughed in the way she usually did. “Wow Mr Ponyacci, I’ve never seen anypony be able to give Pinkie Pie tips before. You could really teach this stuff!”

All of a sudden, Pinkie Pie shook herself out of her funk and put on one of her super-happy extra big smiles. “T-THAT’S IT!”

“Hmm?” the old stallion said as he turned his attention to Pinkie.

“Teach! If you’re too old to perform and serve as an inspiration to ponies that way, then what about teaching other ponies in the art of clowning around?” she asked in an exciting tone. “You told me lots about how to fix my performance, I bet there’s plenty of ponies out there you could instruct.”

I blinked in surprise. “That…actually makes a lot of sense.” I would have said more, but the level of surprise I was experiencing had just about left me mute.

“I wouldn’t have to be on the road as much,” the older pony mumbled to himself. “And performances wouldn’t be nearly as taxing if they were just a quick demonstration of a single trick or two a day instead of a full act. I could work my comedy into my lectures! I wouldn’t have to give up being funny.”

A second later, a pink cloud of fluff nearly filled my vision. “Princess Luna, can you help?”

“Pardon?” Luna’s mouth said without my permission.

“Well I heard how you’ve got all these projects going on, but would one more hurt very much? Would it” Pinkie asked as se put on a little pout. “Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease?”

Thus were plans drawn up for the first clown college of Equestria. For generations, ponies would go to this insane institution to learn the art of comedy and clowning, be it circus, rodeo, or class. And although Pinkie pushed for the name of the school to be the same as her idol, I got her to settle for a ten foot statue. Instead, we gave the school a proper, fitting name for such a place.

We called it Hayvard.

Author's Note

I take no credit for the Ponyacci character or song, those appeared in the comics, EileMonty provided the voice talent for the soundtrack.

I Build Me a Home Where the Buffalo Roamed

Although I knew it would be hard keeping a creature that was used to eating nothing but candy on a diet, Celestia was a whole new level of challenge than I think any member of the human race had ever faced. Chains on the fridge were torn asunder by the goddess with ease, and even though Luna could make the cooks of Canterlot refuse to allow the alicorn access to their culinary delights, Celestia could easily teleport halfway across the country to find a bakery that thought they could get away with feeding the alicorn as long as the sun was up.

Then there was this whole exercise idea we had to make her lose weight rather than just keep from adding more…

We two princesses attracted a lot of odd looks as we walked into Canterlot’s most popular health and fitness center. Advertised as the best place to exercise in all of Equestria, I suggested it to be the place for Tia to work out after Luna and I caught the personal fitness trainer we hired for her sneaking the alicorn cake under her royal authority.

“I don’t think this is a very good idea Sister,” Celestia said with a hesitant look in her eyes as we walked through the front door.

Luna scoffed. “Well if somepony could have kept to her proper diet plan and exercise schedule rather than forcing me to enclose the kitchen in alarm wards and making Heavy Weight do her sneaking around for snacks, then it would not be required.”

The other princess rolled her eyes. “Well you can’t expect me to simply quit straight out after a thousand years.”

“Hey! I gave up being evil after way longer than that!” I told her. Even if I did sympathise with Tia, I had to back my landlady.

For the second time since we came into the building, Celestia rolled her eyes. “Well, unless the Elements of Harmony have a weight loss function, I don’t think that is a viable option.”

Her comment actually got my mind working in an odd way. A way that pointed out that the EoH actually did have such a power. I just doubted I could talk Twilight into banishing Tia for a few years while she burnt off all that excess pudge in the sun.

A second after I threw the idea away, we got to the pony at the front desk. “Ummm, welcome to the Healthy Horse, Your Majesties,” she said while looking back and forth between the two of us. “How may I help you?”

Celestia sighed and gave Luna a look of annoyance before turning to face our little pony with a slightly less angry scowl on her face. “I’m apparently here to apply for a membership to the gym.”

Of course, things weren’t going to be that simple. Not the gym membership, that was easy. The manager of the place came running out and fell over himself in an attempt to bury his muzzle up our butts with a free lifetime pass to both the workout area and spa. No, the hard part was actually getting Celestia to work the exercise equipment.

Like the weight pulley…

Celestia sighed as she set the machine to five tons and sat down to grab both of the handles before yanking on the ropes that ran through a pair of pulleys. All the while, I wondered how the hell weights that barely looked more than fifty pounds each could be that heavy. Halfway before her legs could even extend all the way, the weights slammed into the top of the machine, and the goddess gave the cables another yank, which ripped the machine apart.

I blinked at the sight as all the ponies around us, who had stopped their workouts to watch the princess, jumped away in shock and fear. As for Celestia, who had just moved around more weight than I thought thought physically possible for something her size so casually, looked over to me with a half-lidded expression. “I told you this was a bad idea.”

For my part, I sighed and rubbed my forehead directly below my horn to halt the coming headache. “Well, lifting weights isn’t really the best way to get rid of those pounds anyway.” Not that I really knew what was the best way of course. But us advisors had to sound like we knew what was what.

So then we tried some cardio…

Celestia stood next to the treadmill. She looked down at her front hooves that were even with the front part of the machine. Then she turned her head to glance at her hind hooves, which were actually a little further back than the very end of the treadmill's conveyor belt thingy. “And…how exactly am I supposed to use this?” the size twelve pony asked me as she stood next to the machine meant for size eight ponies.

And then there was the rowing machine…

“Ugh! Grah! GAH!” Celestia grumbled as she shifted around in the seat that was meant to help secure creatures that didn’t normally sit in such a way. “Sister, a hoof? I believe I’m stuck.”

Luna raised an eyebrow at the princess who had her butt stuck in the machine’s seat. “Do not tell me you cannot free thyself from such a contraption.”

Stopping her struggles, Celestia looked back at us with a frown. “Getting out, and getting out without breaking anything are two very different things Luna. I’ve already destroyed one of these devices today, there’s no reason to add another to that poor stallion’s repair bill.”

“Why can’t you just teleport out?” I asked the wise and all-knowing ruler that had looked over the country for over a millennium with her infinite knowledge.

Celestia started at me for a moment with wide eyes, and disappeared in a flash of golden light a little later. When she didn’t immediately reappear nearby, I started to get a little worried. Then, when a little alarm bell started ringing in the back of my head, that worry turned to disappointment. “She’s raiding the kitchen again.”

Which in turn led us to a rather embarrassing predicament…

“GIMME THAT CAKE!” I shouted as I chased Celestia in the skies above Equestria, the two of us having left Canterlot airspace within the first five minutes of flying.

The rogue alicorn looked back at me and Luna with a mouth full of sugary goodness in her mouth and more of it in her hooves. Still, my roommate continued to use our magic to keep Tia from teleporting away, and I concentrated on flying. Although much to my annoyance, despite the drag Princess Fatass’s flanks created as she flew through the air, I couldn’t quite lay a hoof on her.

The years of flying experience she had as opposed to my few weeks worth allowed the goddess to ride the winds and use pegasus magic to outright create updrafts for her to take advantage of. I was stuck just riding in her wake, and rolling my eyes when Celestia actually used her weight to her advantage to dive faster than me.

By the time thirty minutes of chasing had passed, I was aggravated enough with the sun princess that I was willing to use drastic measures in order to stop her. Measures that I would not use under nearly any other circumstances. But still, I took control of Luna’s horn, and cast the one spell I had demanded she teach me since the first day of our training.

Then, the world disappeared around me in a flash of blue.

Teleporting is a weird sensation. I’m sure doing it enough times would get me used to the thing, but…that was like saying enough rides on a rollercoaster would get you used to throwing up. What happened was simple. I used magic to rip a hole in reality and entered it before reappearing a second later in another place when I was pulled back into the plane I was supposed to be in. And it was that moment of travel time through the not-space between that made it suck.

For a fraction of a second, everything ceased to exist. There was no up, no down, no gravity, color, air, or anything else. Then, all that stuff came crashing back just late enough for my whole body to get used to nothingness.

When I did reappear, I was right where I wanted to be. Which turned out to be a mistake, because Tia let out a shriek and crashed into Luna’s body. The collision then sent the three of us tumbling through the air in a screaming mass of limbs and feathers. A falling mass that was stopped when we come into contact with...fluffy, soft...padding?

I blinked at the fact we hadn’t been turned into street pizza, then looked down at the mass of white just beneath Tia, who I was laying on top of, before sighing in relief. If we hadn’t of hit the cloud on our way down, I don’t really know what would have happened to the three of us.

But…I did sort of complete my objective…kind of…

“My cake,” Celestia whined as she noticed the cloud failed to catch it as it had us.

I sighed at the princess and looked back down to her. “Oh come on, it’s just a freaking oversized pastry Tia! Giving them up is not the end of the world!”

The other alicorn that was laying underneath me frowned back. “Fine! You win Luna. I’ll admit it! I don’t have any self-control when it comes to food,” Celestia replied in a gruff tone. “A thousand years of stuffing my face to deal with the loss of my sister combined with the guilt that it was my fault has made me completely uncaring about my health. I’ll just eat more and more until I’m past the point of equilibrium, where my figure is too bloated to be considered beautiful, and everypony will love my slim and sexy sister more. You happy?”

Luna was silent for a little bit before she got around to replying in a depressed tone. “While I usually find thrill at the thought of beating you Sister, your admission is not something I take joy in,” she said before having me look into the alicorn’s eyes. “But…mayhap I could give a little in my demands, if you would actually try to follow through with our agreement about thy diet.”

If I could have groaned at that moment, I would have. But Luna had control of her mouth. So instead, I was forced to watch while the two alicorns simply had their moment and Luna capitulated to Celestia’s growing desires for unhealthy food.

At least until she spoke for a second time. “But a whole cake a day is far too much Sister.”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “Fine, I’ll just eat half a cake.”

“One eighth,” Luna countered.

“And no multi-layered, stacked, giant, or wedding cake material kinds either!” I quickly added to close some kind of giant cake loophole. If Luna was going to be agreeing to this, then I needed to do my job as an advisor for once.

“WHAT?” the sun goddess demanded. “That’s barely even a normal piece!”

Luna nodded before reasserting control of our mouth. “Exactly. You may have one piece a day…after lunch, and then work it off around the castle. Or shall we go back to none?”

The offer made Celestia groan. “Very well,” she reluctantly agreed.

So with the new deal struck, the three of us simply laid there for a bit. But what with us being in Equestria and all, our moment of quiet relaxation was quickly put to an end by a raspy voice. “So uh…you two done yet? I really need to get rid of this cloud to complete today’s work.”

I looked over at just what kind of idiot would dare be stupid enough to interrupt Princess Luna and Celestia, and blinked when I saw Rainbow Dash hovering there. Then, my eyes widened and my mind went to thinking about how Luna was laying on top of Celestia in a very…suggestive way. “Uh…this totally isn’t what it looks like.”

The last thing I wanted was rumors of Princest starting up.

“What does it look like?” the rainbow pony asked in confusion. I just thanked God she dropped out of school before taking a pony sex-ed class, if they had that sort of thing in Equestria.

Just how did a society of nudists view sex?

Celestia let out a giggle. “We were just having a bit of fun,” she said while I mentally screamed ‘NO WE’RE NOT’ back at her. “So, I take it by your presence that I was indeed able to make it to Ponyville before Nighty managed to catch me?”

“Uh…yeah, you’re just about in the middle of town,” Rainbow replied.

I blinked at the news, and moved around to look down to see we were directly over Golden Oaks. I had been so consumed with catching Tia, I hadn’t even been paying attention to where I was going.

“So…can I?” Rainbow asked from behind me, or behind me head anyway.

“You may,” Celestia went on in a tone that I could hear the smirk on her mouth and wink in her eye.

“Wait, what?” I asked.

Then, the cloud disappeared, and I fell while Celestia kicked off to hover in midair. Had I been ready for it, I probably would have been able to flip around, flap my wings, and land gracefully. But with my human instincts and unexpected fall, I could only act like any wingless primate would under such circumstances.

“AAAAAAAAHH!” I screamed before crashing into a hard wooden surface with a loud ‘oomph’.

While my head rang with the sound of bells and little Fluttershys danced around in my field of vision, I heard someone say something in a surprised gasp.

“T-Twitchy Tail!”

A second later, Celestia came down and landed much more forcefully than the usually did, enough to shake the tree house. Then she looked over to something that was out of my field of vision. “Oh, hello Spike. Is that Twilight’s latest friendship report? No need to use your fire, I’ll just take it.”

I looked over in time to see her grab the scroll in her mouth from Spike, and then turn her attention back to me. “Well come on you two,” Celestia said, her words a little garbled by the paper. “Fun’s over. We have a friendship report to read and its reply to compose.”

A groan escaped my lips, and a shook myself out of the daze before taking a look at the purple dragon, and then the princess. “Or seeing as how we’re already at the library, we could just give it a quick once over and talk to the filly face to face.”

Celestia regarded me thoughtfully for a moment, and then nodded. “I suppose that would be good as well. In fact, speaking with Twilight after she’s learned a lesson might be a little more beneficial to her since we can discuss it,” the goddess admitted before she looked to the little dragon. “Spike, would you go tell Twilight that I’m coming around to see her? She would probably like a little warning.”

For some reason, Spike became a little hesitant. “Well I’d love to, but Twilight had to go to work a few minutes ago.”

“Well I’m sure she can put her reshelving duties on hold for a bit,” Celestia told the dragon.

To which the dragon replied, “Um, she’s not in the library. Twilight got a part time job. She just left because her shift starts soon.”

Then, for the second time since I came to Equestria, I saw something truly remarkable. Celestia was struck speechless. The goddess just stood there for several minutes, staring at the dragon while her head slowly rolled to the side. “She...what?”

I on the other hand handled it much better. I slapped my hooves together and rubbed them as if trying to start a fire with my princess horseshoes. “Oh I gotta see this!”

There are some things in the universe that just don’t make sense. Especially in a universe of talking horses where magic is a thing. But of course, there is an explanation behind magic. I can even give it to you.

Magic is living. Not just being alive, I mean actual taking joy out of the tiniest of things kind of living. It’s more than just some exotic energy that a bunch of quadrupeds have used to become the lord and masters of their domains. It’s passion, and love and a zest for life that no amount of scientific research can quantify or contain. Its why unicorns are only good at their talents, because that’s the thing they’re super passionate about.

Oh, and there’s some mathematics to it too, but...that’s boring. Nobody wants to hear about that.

Then there are the things that don’t make sense.

I’m not talking about how or why Twilight got a part-time job. That actually makes sense. Especially considering what happened the last time I had seen her at lunch. No, what made no sense about this situation, or perhaps a horrifying sense that would drive anyone mad if they were to figure it out was where Twilight Sparkle was working.

To the average Equestrian, it was probably nothing special. Just a nice little shop across the grass from the Hay Burger, specializing in a single product. And I’m not talking about one of those cheating umbrella product terms like food and clothes.

No, the place Spike directed us to before scampering off was…

“Welcome to Starbucks,” the gray earth pony in the black collared shirt with the green apron said as both Celestia and I stood in a line that was far too long for a coffee shop to have at three in the afternoon. “Can I take your order?”

Celestia looked up at the menu on the wall, and then back to the stallion while Luna had me give her a reminding glare. “I’ll take a sugar-free nonfat caffe latte with lowfat milk.”

“Gimmie a triple,” I ordered before slamming the money down on the counter. Chasing Tia down might have worn me out a little, and I needed a pick me up.

The stallion turned his head to my right. “Sparkle! One fit cow and triple-T! Hop to it!”

Further down the line and behind the counter, I heard the unicorn’s familiar voice call out in response. “Y-Yes sir!”

Both me and Celestia frowned at the gruff tone on top of Twilight’s meek response. We shared a look, nodded, and then sidestepped down the line. Halfway there, I leaned in close to her. “You know, we could probably just skip all this if you popped that background camo spell you put up before we came in here.”

“I thought we agreed to wait until we found her,” Celestia said in a way that told me what she was saying wasn’t a question. So I just shut up and moved further down the line when it let me.

And...I’ll admit it, I was glad I did. At the end of our five minute ordeal, which was a hell of a long time to wait for anything when you were sharing a body with an impatient royal alicorn, there was a grand payoff.

Here are your drinks ma'ams,” Twilight told us as she scooted the cups across the counter with her magic.

Which wasn’t the payoff. The castle chef made this amazing latte that had a little tea leaf design in it to make the whole thing extra special. Even sea-pony emblem Starbucks couldn’t compete with that!

No, the payoff was seeing Twilight in her uniform. Like the stallion, she had a black shirt with a green apron on, no pants. Although what put everything over the top was this little green sun visor hat that fought with her horn to stay on top of her head. It was just...so...damn...adorable!

So much so that I completely forgot to point and laugh at the unicorn’s minimum wage misery while I fought my urge to huggle her to death.

As for Tia. She just cleared her throat. “Twilight?”

Still not recognizing the two of us were towering over her with traits from more than one kind of pony, Twilight just looked up in confusion. “Yes?” she asked before her eyes widened. “Wait, did I get our order wrong? I’m sorry, this is just my second day, and Mr Vanilla won’t let me use a checklist or write down the orders so-”

“Twilight,” Celestia spoke up before the little light around her horn died out. “It’s me.”

All of a sudden, all the little background noises around us died out, and Twilight’s eyes went super wide. “Princess Celestia?” she breathed out. Two seconds later, her chest puffed up with air again. “Oh please don’t tell me I got your order wrong!”

Now, seeing a pony freak out on television is worth a laugh. But after meeting her in real life and all, I can safely say that Twilight’s panic attacks were not something to giggle at when they were happening right in front of you. If anything, seeing my favorite little purple pony panic was...painful.

But Princess Celestia managed to keep her from freaking out with a hoof on the unicorn’s shoulder, and then told Twilight’s boss she would be going on her break before porting the three of us back to the treehouse to sit little Purple Smart down for a talk.

Once we saw that she wasn’t going to turn into a hyperventilating mess, Celestia took a few sips from the coffee Twilight had made, complimented her on it, and waited for Twilight to calm down a little. Only then did Tia start talking. “Well, I guess the first question on my mind is...why?” she asked. “I don’t think anypony expected you to take a lifetime of magical studies and go to work at a coffee house Twilight.”

“What? No! this isn’t a career! Please don’t be disappointed in me Princess! I’m... Well it’s just…” Twilight paused and looked away from us while she scratched her left foreleg with her right hoof. “All of my friends have these...well... they’re out there working every day. Helping Ponyville get by. And I’m...not. It just doesn’t seem right.”

Celestia let out a little sigh, and then looked over to me. “Okay Luna, you take this one.”

Then my mouth started moving on its own. “What? Why me?”

“Because you’re the teacher that’s supposed to be in tune with ponies on a personal level, I’m just the one that deals with mystical and other types of knowledge,” Celestia told her while looking at me.

Luna hmmed in thought for a bit before replying. “Very well,” she said before Celestia took her latte and went out the library's front door to give us some privacy. “Twilight Sparkle, I know how it is to feel...unequal to others that are close to you.”

After shaking her head for a second, Twilight stopped Luna before she could go on. “No offense Princess, but I think what I’m experiencing with my friends is a little different than what went on between you and Princess Celestia.”

“Oh?” Luna asked. “So you don’t feel that you're not contributing enough because all of your friends are doing something important for Ponyville in one form or another, and you are here in a job that the town has gotten by without for so long? You do not feel left behind because they all have employment and you continue to sit here, studying away? You don’t feel a lack of fulfillment because they all receive a wage for their labor while my sister give you an...expense account?”

Twilight opened her mouth, and just let it hang there like that.

“This has nothing to do with my sister Twilight Sparkle,” she explained. “You are hardly the first pony student we have seen become flustered because the paths her friends are on are a bit shorter, and that was back when the life span of a pony wasn’t nearly as long as it is today. So do not feel...inadequate because your path is a bit longer than theirs. It is simply that the investment Celestia has made in you will take a bit longer to mature than a normal pony’s would. And I can assure you that the wait will be worth it when you are ready.”

Finally, Twilight’s face scrunched up in thought as she mulled over Luna’s advice. “So...you want me to quit my job and concentrate just on my studies and my uh...library duties?”

“And your friends. After all, it is the Magic of Friendship that your studies revolve around, is it not?” Luna added. Although a second later, she clicked her tongue in thought. “Although, mayhap you should wait a week or two before turning in your apron. I think such a time among the working class will do you well in the future.”

Before Twilight could turn the confused look she was giving us into a question, the door banged open to admit Spike. I hadn’t actually seen where the talking lizard went off to after he guided me and Tia to Starbucks, but the blue cupcake he was holding was a pretty good clue. “Hey Twilight! Did you talk to Princess Celestia?”

Twilight smiled and nodded in response. “Yes Spike. Did you see her too?”

“Yeah, she actually landed at the library, and just now at Sugarcube Corner.”

I took motor control away from Luna and frowned. “Wait. Celestia’s in Sugarcube Corner?” All of a sudden, her leaving Twilight with us to lecture seemed dark and sinister, rather than a sweet act by an older sister to show her confidence in the younger. Plus, there was no way in hell Pinkie or the Cakes were going to deny that goddess a sweet to snack on.

Before Spike could answer, Luna raised her right foreleg, and I was left to barely keep us from falling as she shouted. “To the corner of sugar and cube Nighty! We must stop our sister before she once again cheats on her diet!”

The next three days passed without incident, although that is not to say important things didn’t happen. Every noon, when Luna and I woke up, Moondancer would drop off a collection of books for me to look through before I snatched up Twinkie, Minuette, or Sparky to cuddle and look through them. Then I would tell her none of them felt like they were the book I was looking for, and sent her back to put them away and try again tomorrow.

I also made a mental note to see if I could talk her into going with me to a salon or something. That little nerd needed some major work done on her mane, not to mention a new wardrobe. Her hooves were in terrible shape too. Maybe when Rarity came to drop off my Gala dress I could get her to deck the nerd-a-corn out in something more fitting of a royal attendant.

Luna’s projects started to get off the ground thanks to some prodding from the princess. Most of the ponies we needed for Ponyville’s Defense Force had been chosen, but it was just a bunch of pegasi scouts and a few unicorns able to cast medium shield spells for the most part, we were still lacking a commanding officer that knew enough about exotic creatures to make sure the others knew what they were doing when something did attack. We also set up a trade approval system that would send requests for the transport of goods through districts to Luna to cut down on some of the wait time. To keep things simple, we decided to handle bare necessities like medicine, quickly perishing foods, and construction supplies.

As for Tia, she actually started to take her diet a little seriously. Being the god-being who set all the rules and had the authority to make everyone else bend over backward to meet her needs, she started having meetings on the go. Usually she would trot several laps around the palace gardens as her aides ran behind her with all the paperwork.

Discord was transferred to a maximum security cell in the newly renovated castle dungeons, complete with ventilation shafts too small to crawl through, magical wires that would sound an alarm if tripped, and guards under orders to stay in groups of four at all times to prevent a double knockout/assassination attack from one-upping any buddy system strategy.

Celestia was also a little curious why I had four such rooms made at the four corners of the dungeon, but…keeping an extra room in reserve seemed like a good idea. As for the others, Chrysalis and Starlight Glimmer would be occupying them. After actually meeting and befriending the Mane Six and Cadance, I still didn’t know which villain I hated more: the one who would put ponies in pods to eat, or the one that made the lives of a species that depended on their special talents to guide them meaningless. Either way, they’d both get it in the end.

On the fourth day, things changed...

I was in the middle of cuddling my mini-Tia while Minuette read through the reports and Sparky waited her turn to tell me what we were going to be doing for the day with the door burst open to admit a royal guard.

“Princess Luna!” he shouted with urgency in his voice. “Princess Celestia is summoning you to a meeting of the Equestrian Council!”

Twinkieshine’s nuzzling of my neck stopped at the news, and I looked over to the guard with a frown. Luna did all the talking. “What is happening?” she asked in a tone that said she was just about as annoyed as I felt. Nobody interrupted our little pony cuddle mornings.

The guard faltered at the question. “I’m not sure Princess. They simply told me to run and get you.”

Luna sighed. “Very well. Twould seem you will be needing to reschedule my day once again little Sparkler. Celestia would not call me to that if it twas not of the utmost importance. Minuette, Twinkleshine, fetch Moondancer from…wherever she goes when her noonday duties are completed. I will most likely need her to explain a few things during this meeting.”

With official business going on, the super friendly atmosphere disappeared in a flash, and both the mares presented themselves to us in a bow of respect. “At once Your Highness,” they said together before running out the door together.

“Sparkler, head on down to the kitchens and get something to eat. I know not how long we will be in the meeting, so you might need to arrange passage on the train back to Ponyville this night,” she said to the pony, who quickly bowed and left in a hurry.

Then I got us out of bed with a groan, and followed the guard down the hallway and through the castle to where the meeting was being held. On the way there, my mood only worsened. I swore, whatever idiot had dared to interrupt my personal pony time was going to pay dearly.

The fact that I saw Cadance and Shining Armor approaching from the other end of the hallway didn’t snap me out of my funk. Sure, it told me that whatever was going on was pretty big ,and I might have been a little confused at the fact that something was going on that didn’t fit with my mental list of scheduled disasters, but…an interrupted morning cuddle was a serious thing in my book.

“So, any idea what this is about?” I asked my best friend when we got to the entrance.

Cadance shook her head. “I have no idea. The guard just ran into my quarters and said Auntie needed to see us in the council chambers.”

I nodded once, then stopped when I noticed the plural. “Wait, the guard found both of you? Together?” I asked as a little smile started to appear on Luna’s face.

And…okay, I know I should have been a little mortified. But instead, I found myself a little proud of Shining for some reason, and maybe a little jealous of Cadance.

Don’t get me wrong, I sure as hell wasn’t attracted to ponies. The closest thing I did to romance was treating them as living plushies. But…well…after all the stories she had told me when it came to their romance, Shining Armor was just so fucking adorable! Although, it figured the one stallion on the planet that I might have considered dating if Luna and I could split up was taken.

Stupid best friend and her perfect stallion.

“We were um…discussing wedding plans!” Cadance replied with a smile that was a bit too big for my taste.

I rolled my eyes at the poor dodge. But couldn’t punish the opening it left thanks to the golden doors opening in Celestia’s magic. The serious look on her face cut any thoughts of frivolity, and we filed into the room.

I took a space to the right of the sun pony, Cadance sat down on her left. Shining went back to stand near the back of the room, and…

“Wait!” A voice called out as the doors started to close. “Wait! Wait, don’t close the door! I’m here, I’m here!”

All of the ponies turned and looked at the four-eyed pony with the purple sweater and badly styled mane as Moondancer trotted into the room, panting for breath. Blueblood frowned at her. “And just what in the name of all things pony, is that?”

The unicorn’s odious tone put a frown to my face. “It’s called a mare,” I said with a frown. “And here I thought that you were old enough to tell the difference between colts and fillies, Blueblood.”

While the rest of the assembled ponies chuckled at the jab, except for Celestia that is, Luna took back her mouth. “Moondancer is our aide pertaining to current affairs, and is thus authorized to hear all that we do. Take a seat behind me little one, I shall look to you if an explanation is needed.”

After the doors closed again, I looked around. “So, what’s this all about?”

“Black Jack, if you would?” Celestia urged him with a nod.

The stallion in question cleared his throat. “Yes. Today I received word from Las Pegasus that the trouble in Appleloosa has dramatically increased. Two days ago, the buffalo attacked a train headed for the city loaded with medicine, equipment and vaccines that Appleloosa had purchased from some Manehattan pharmaceutical company for the coming cold season.”

I nodded. The news wasn’t really all that unexpected. I knew the invading quadrupeds would be attacking the train one day. To be honest, I was kind of surprised that there hadn’t been such news already.

The reflexive ‘At least nopony was hurt’ phrase nearly left my mouth, but I managed to squelch it down. While there hadn’t been any damage to the ponies, I knew Appleloosa would be feeling the pain of not having that medicine when Winter came around. And…sure, they could order another shipment, but all that medical stuff didn‘t come free. Luna had looked over the trade agreement and signed it herself. In a few months, the ponies of Appleloosa would either be having a disease run through their community, or go to bed hungry because they sold too many apples to pay for more supplies.

The crown could intervene and buy more medicine with tax money, but that meant picking everyone else’s pockets to help one group they had nothing to do with. The royal treasury wasn’t infinite, even with the downsizing me and Luna had been planning in regards to the military. What if those bits were needed later somewhere else?

Such problems made me glad I was just an advisor to the princesses instead of the pony making all the decisions.

The goddess nodded to the pony. “Now that my sister has been caught up, you may continue,” Celestia told him.

Black nodded. “Yes Your Highness,” he said before clearing his throat. “After the train arrived at the station with the missing cars, the local sheriff and his deputies followed the tracks and found the remains of the missing car. The buffalo had knocked it off the tracks and set fire to the car.”

Black Jack dug through a small stack of papers in front of him. “I have the report Sheriff Silverstar wrote up, if you want to read it, Your Highness.”

Celestia nodded and took the papers in her magic before reading them with a cool expression. “Well, it looks like the two of you were right,” she told me in a cold tone as she looked over the reports.

There were some pictures with all the papers. One photograph was of the charred remains of a burned down railroad car, and the other was a list of medical supplies next to their cost.

“What do you mean Sister?” Luna asked before Celestia passed us the papers. I kept my eyes on them for Luna to read.

An aggravated sigh came from the other goddess. “We should have dealt with these buffalo the moment we heard of their actions against Appleloosa,” she said before taking in a deep breath and let out a cleansing sigh. “Very well then. I may not be able to make up for my inaction, but I shall not sit idle and let it continue. We shall deal with these matters now.”

Celestia looked over to the pink alicorn. “Cadance, I’m giving you full authority to make any decisions for the crown during my time down south without any consultation,” she said before looking over to the one male unicorn in the room that was worth a damn. “Shining Armor, select ten unicorns from the royal guard to accompany us on our trip along with yourself. I also want a missive sent to Cloudsdale that the Wonderbolts are to come in their entirety to Appleloosa.”

“Luna, I take it that you will also be wanting an honor guard of equal size?” she asked.

I nodded as Luna talked. “Indeed. I shall wake ten Night Guard and prepare them to go.”

“Very well,” Celestia said before looking back to my walking wikipedia, who flinched under her stern expression. “Moondancer, was it?” She didn’t even wait for the nod before continuing. “I remember comments from some of your teachers. They said you were even more into books than my personal student, Twilight Sparkle.” A fact I didn’t think was possible.

The unicorn looked up, and pushed her glasses back with a hoof. “Well, I don’t know about that Your Majesty. I think I was better at absorbing the information, but Twilight was better at utilizing it.”

“Excellent,” Celestia went on in her business tone. “It has been several centuries since I last treated with the buffalo tribe directly. I want you to prepare an up-to-date dossier on their people in case anything has changed. Any reliable information you can find on their current leader would be invaluable.”

Finally, she turned back to the pink alicorn and nodded. “Cadance, the council is yours. I need to go make preparations for my departure. Luna, I hope to see you at the train platform, but will understand if you do not wish to accompany me. We’ll set our departure time for when I bring down the sun.”

All of my worries about being bored to death on the train were put aside when Moondancer gave us her presentation on the known history of the buffalo, their customs, and migration patterns that she had managed to extrapolate thanks to eye witness accounts over the years. By the time she was done, I was nearly bored to sleep. So…my little pony had done a good job.

I mean, if I had to stay up all night doing nothing on a train, it would have been boring as hell. So at least she put me in the mood for snoozing.

There were some interesting things about buffalo culture though. Creepy, but interesting. Apparently, they didn’t believe that Celestia controlled the sun. It was actually their running around that turned the ‘great wheel’ and spun the land away from the ‘sky fire’.

It really made me wonder how they viewed Nightmare Moon’s attempted takeover of Equestria with eternal night. Or if they even knew about her. Since theirs was reportedly a culture of oral tradition, facts could be covered up a lot easier than Celestia’s revisionist history that took over a century to complete.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t find anything recent on them, Your Majesties,” my Mooner said before she turned off the projector that showed a map of southern Equestria with where buffalo had been sighted over the years.

Celestia nodded at the little pony. “What you gave us was fine Moondancer,” she told the nerd. “Especially within the time constraints you were under. Even if it all was just a refresher course for me, I am certain my sister found the information most helpful. Thank you.”

I smiled at Mooner and nodded in agreement at Celestia’s words. “You may head back to the other cars for something to eat,” Luna said before her mouth curved into a smile. “And I am certain you discovered a few books of personal interest while gathering information that you can’t wait to peruse over the next few days while we are discussing things with the buffalo.”

After that, the unicorn nodded and gathered her stuff before trotting out of the train car to go do…whatever it was that Moondancer did when she was alone. As for Celestia, she looked to me and Luna. “So, what is your input in all of this?”

“Are you talking to me, or Luna?” I asked in confusion. Usually she would add one of our names at the end of a question. But this time we got nothing.

“Both of you actually,” Celestia said.

I waited for a few seconds for Luna to speak, then became a little surprised when she had me to go first. “A good ruler always listens to her advisors before making a decision after all,” the alicorn told me.

That actually made me think for a few minutes about what to say. I couldn’t just out and tell them that the buffalo wanted the ponies to just tear down a year of hard work so they could run over some dirt for the sake of sacred tradition. Not to mention how they would interfere with our plans for expanding Appleloosa. It wasn’t going to stay a dinky little western town forever, and I doubted the buffalo would like the fact that there would be a lake in their way the next year, and then more businesses the next, and so on. More apple trees would need to be planted, plus other crops.

In fact, the sharing is caring tribute solution didn’t seem to be very viable long-term at all thanks to the region’s limited resources.

“Well, I’m sure the buffalo have a reason for what they're doing,” I said, which Celestia nodded at. “And until I know what it is, I can’t really make a prediction. So...we should talk to them first, before making any real plans, Your Majesty.”

The other alicorn took on a thoughtful expression. “An interesting view.”

“I believe you know my opinion on the matter, Sister,” Luna said. “They attacked what is ours. They took what is ours. And they destroyed it. As such, we shall demand reparations.”

The following hours passed easily enough. Luna and Celestia got to talking about other things, and starting gossiping as only sisters could. When I cut in, the subject eventually changed to stories of their time in the Everfree and before. Then it changed to who could tell the most embarrassing story about the other.

Luna was afraid of the dark as a foal, and didn’t even get kissed until she was eighteen…by another mare.

Celestia had bladder control issues during sleep until she was seven, got dumped by a pegasus because she outgrew him physically after raising the sun for a few days, and…she admitted defeat before Luna could go into the whole loss of virginity thing. Although I did catch the number, it started with a T.

Then, it was time for an early lights out for Luna. Being a master of dream magic meant she could show me how to put us to sleep at a moment’s notice.

Of course, being a master of dream magic also meant that we didn’t really just black out for several hours and I got to have some fun with Luna…

The demi-goddess looked up at me with her cute widdle eyes and chubby cheeks that just begged to be pinched. “This again?” my little Woona asked in an authoritative tone that her adorable little voice just couldn’t properly pull off. “I would have thought you’d gotten your fill of these foalish antics the last time you subjected me to such tribulations that a body such as this entails.”

“Awww come on Luna,” I said before picking her dream construct of a body up in my hooves and bringing her in close for a snuggling hug. “It’s not like there’s anypony else here to see you like this. Besides, you being so cute like this helps break up some of the boredom of these dreams.”

Luna’s perplexed expression lasted long enough for me to swing her around onto the back of my neck for a pony ride. “And it keeps you from running around so we can talk.”

I saw the little filly blink at my words from the corner of my eyes, and her expression became curious. “Talk about what?”

“Something you said a while ago,” I replied before creating a nice thick patch of soft grass to lay my stomach down on. “When you were talking to Celestia about separating us, you said something about um…” I looked at the little filly in hesitation. On second thought, maybe it hadn’t been such a good idea to put Luna in her Woona form for a serious discussion.

Still, what was done was done, and I didn’t want to risk accidentally obliterating her mind by willing the thing sitting on my back out of existence. “You said you might need to make me a body.”

Woona nodded, her expression much too serious for her childish body. “Yes. Although that would take a great deal of time and energy. Not to mention we would need help.”

And thus, my questioning of Luna ended, and we spent the night with me learning how to swim as a horse. At least the basics behind it I mean since we were in a realm where the laws of physics only apply if you want them to. Trust me on this, swimming without hands and feet is hard.

We arrived in Appleloosa about an hour after dawn.

I also promised myself never to do the whole train ride entrance with Tia again. Sure, it gave this big impressive show of some hundred-plus ponies marching off a military transport as soon as me and Tia got out to bring hope to the frightened town in a big display of force. But…well…

Look, ponies may of not have been humans, but that didn’t mean they didn’t share a lot of the same quirks. For example, they needed to stretch when getting up. Especially after sleeping on a pair of couches, since somebody forgot to install actual beds in our train car.

Maybe there hadn’t been any room, and proper sleeping facilities would mean creating two more cars for us, which was a waste of taxpayer money when Tia and I could simply teleport anywhere we needed to go in a hurry. But in the unlikely event there was going to be a major military exercise in the future where we needed to put on a good show from the get go for the little ponies, the option of not sharing a train car with Celestia would have been nice.

This was because morning stretching for ponies to realign our spines tended to take a while, and involved a lot of asses being put into the air. So…yeah…my first sight of the day was Celestia’s butt sticking skyward as she shook around to limber up for the day. The less said about that, the better.

While Tia was doing that where only I could see, I looked out the window and glanced around the town, kind of knowing what to expect and…I was a little disappointed by what I saw. Not that there weren’t any ponies, or even a frontier town. It was just…well, everything in Equestria had a bit of a shine to it. It was as if the entire country had this little bit of special magic that just made you happier simply from looking at all the bright and pretty colors. Appleloosa…didn’t have that quality.

A layer of dust and dirt that ran the scale from thin to think seemed to cover the whole area, making everything a little bit less bright. Even the ponies decked out in their Sunday (which was a little weekly holiday for obvious reasons, although Luna didn’t like what had happened to her Moon Day that came after) best didn’t really compare to the naked ponies I saw in Ponyville when it came to visual appeal.

I looked around for the ponies any fan would have checked up on, like Sheriff Silverstar and Braeburn, but that was put to a halt when Celestia said it was time for us to disembark.

The second Celestia’s hooves touched the ground outside, music blared and I was forced to listen to the Equestrian National Anthem as performed by what looked like Appleloosa’s ragtag band of ponies that only played in a garage. Still, it was the thought that counted. On top of my controlling percentage in Luna’s body that kept us from rolling her eyes at the amateurish display in front of royalty that was missing a few instruments.

Then, after the music stopped, we were approached by an earth pony stallion with the oddest color combination I had seen on a pony to date. His coat was a light brown, which really clashed with his orange and red hair that made his mane and tail look like a cartoonish flame, as well as the picture of the human riding instrument on his butt.

“Ah, Duke Blazing Saddle,” Celestia said with a nod. “What a warm welcome you’ve provided, and with such short notice too. You couldn’t have gotten my message earlier than last night.”

The mention of a title had me remembering my cultural lessons with Luna. The earth pony had no real noble blood in his lineage. I had read that such titles were handed out as a matter of course to any pony that worked to settle a region. It made things a lot easier when deciding who was going to take charge of the town early on, and were usually tossed away in a generation. Hence, why Applejack didn’t have her own title despite her family being the bedrock of Ponyville.

The walking homage to the 1974 sort-of-western bowed deeply to the two of us. “Your Majesties, thank…um…You that you’ve come,” he said before Celestia motioned for him to rise. I was a little thrown off by the lack of an accent, but…maybe he just hadn’t been a western pony for long enough. It took money to help fund new cities, and after watching Applejack for so long, I didn’t think that a pony who worked on a farm would have enough money to start a town. “We’ve made room for you and your retinue in our town hall.”

“Thank you for your hard work,” she replied. “But I do not wish to take such an important building away from your town for longer than I must. We shall only use it until Shining Armor and Spitfire’s troops have set up the command tent. Now, tell me of the troubles facing the town. I’m afraid your call for help was rather vague, and the news it carried a little old. I am well aware much can change inside of a few days.”

I followed Celestia as Blazing Saddle went on about troubles I already knew were here. Buffalo had attacked a train just the day before that some member of the Apple Family had sent down with trees for the orchard in it. Although this time they had made off with the whole car instead of burning it down. Lousy punks were probably eating the hard-grown work of the Apples as we spoke.

“Nightmare, there is something I must ask of you before we arrive in the town hall,” Luna told me from within our mind. It nearly made me stumble. Luna never talked to me like that when other ponies were around, unless it was during military training because she had to help me work her horn and couldn’t move her mouth.

Instead of replying verbally, I just made a small affirmative noise. “MmmmHmmm.”

“I must ask that you not act as you do in Ponyville, or even Canterlot,” she told me. “These ponies do not need a friendly face to relate to, but an unapproachable figure they can rely on to protect them.”

For a few seconds, I thought to argue with her. Just because we were here to protect the ponies didn’t mean we couldn’t be friendly. If anything it might help boost moral.

Still, we were doing princess work. That meant Luna would be calling the shots. But I was so going to remind this to her the next time I wanted to spend a night with the girls. Training be damned.

After getting into town hall and rounding up the sheriff, both Celestia and I sat down on a cushion some guards brought in before we got down to business. “So, I suppose we should begin with the reason why the buffalo tribe is attacking the railroads and disturbing the town. Exactly what are their demands?”

Both the duke and the sheriff looked at each other with uneasy expressions for a few seconds before Silverstar answer the question. “Well...that’s just it Princess, we don’t rightly know,” Silverstar said while offering up his hooves in defeat. “I’ve seen a few of them on the cliffs over the apple orchard, and they’ve thrown a few rocks at our farm ponies, shouted some things about how we should go back where we came from, but so far there hasn’t been any official meetings to give demands.”

“I see,” Celestia mumbled with a nod of her head. “Then the first thing we should attempt is to establish a dialogue with the buffalo tribe, and hear their reasoning behind these actions. Where is their tribal encampment located?”

When both of the ponies looked away in embarrassment at not being able to answer that question either, I looked over to Celestia. “Well, we brought most of the Wonderbolts with us Princess. It should be easy to have Captain Spitfire organize a search to find them.”

Then Luna decided to make things weird by talking. “Indeed. They should also deliver our demands for a proper parlay.”

As the two ponies in front of us started giving me and Luna odd looks, Celestia cleared her throat. “I am sure the two of you have read the new reports pertaining to my sister’s return from the moon and the Nightmare’s change of heart regarding her position on Equestria’s daylight hours?” she asked in that way where you know the question’s answer better be a yes. “The oddity of two mares in one body takes a little getting used to, but Nightmare Moon has been quite an invaluable addition to the court since her return. And holds position as my sister’s chief advisor in all things ”

Luna smiled. “I would even go so far as to say, her continued presence as a part of me has been quite beneficial to us all.”

The look Celestia gave Luna out of the corner of her eye said the alicorn didn’t quite agree with her sister’s assessment. Still, the big white pony didn’t contradict the black one in front of anyone else. Although...we were probably going to get an earful later.

So, plans were laid out for a meeting with the buffalo. Luna asked if anyone had been seriously hurt by the ones that had attacked the city so far. Although a few ponies had a bruise or two from being hit by rocks, there wasn’t any major damage.

When the little meeting ended, Celestia went outside to make some big speech that hit all the important stuff. She promised to protect her little ponies, to ensure their hard work would not be in vain, that this would all be over soon, and that they had nothing to fear. Luna just had me stand in the background and give all the little horses a reassuring look of confidence because…well, public speaking was more than about just talking. It wouldn’t look all that good if she either had to tell me to raise a hoof dramatically, or stopped talking for two seconds to do it herself, and I might have still been a little unsteady while standing on three hooves instead of four.

The command tent that the ponies had set up for us could have fit three train cars inside it with room to spare. Then there was all the comforts, like a carpet and tables big enough for Celestia to use that left all the other ponies without wings straining to look over the edge. But I wasn’t paying attention to where all the cushions were going, or how many firefly lanterns were being hung up, or all the other things the ponies were doing to still get ready while Celestia was instructing the top ponies in town what needed to be done in case things did become violent over near the big map table in the center of the room. Most of her instructions involved going into designated shield areas that the unicorns we brought along would protect. Not that we needed them with Shining Armor able to put up a barrier big enough for the whole town. But better safe than sorry.

I had my attention on Spitfire, who kept nervously glancing back at me while she sat in her little corner of the tent, awaiting reports back from the ponies that she had sent out to reconnoiter the area. It wasn’t the first time I had seen her of course. The pegasus had been there at Luna’s return party to bow and swear her undying loyalty to the Princess of the Night in equal amounts to the Princess of the Day.

Although it was the first time I had seen the pony in her Wonderbolt outfit. Spits had worn her dress uniform to the banquet. I’ll just say, those things left less to the imagination than a pony’s actual coat! Spitfire’s combat uniform hugged her body so tightly I could every single curve of muscle she had, as well as tell her body didn’t have an ounce of fat in any of the wrong areas. She was a physically perfect pegasus.

Unfortunately, seeing her also reminded me of Rainbow Falls, and how much of a douche she was when she threw away a teammate and tried to poach Rainbow. Then came the heavy frown from the newly-returned monster, and Spitfire couldn’t get away from me fast enough. Not that she was the only pony who had nearly peed themselves that night, but…with her here now, there might be a little chance for me to end all those nervous wing fidgets I was seeing.

After telling Luna I wanted to talk with her, I approached the little pony from behind as she looked over some letters at the small desk that had been set aside for her and raised my hoof in greeting. “Hey Spitfire.”

The pony looked like her skeleton tried to jump out of her skin before she turned to look at me. “YA-our Majesty,” she said as she spun around and quickly went into a bow to cover up her near-scream.

I stood there for a moment, feeling pretty uneasy at Spitfire’s reaction to my presence. While there were still plenty of ponies that didn’t react very well to the close presence of Nightmare Moon, I had thought the cowering in fear stuff had been taken care of weeks ago. “Uh…are you alright?”

Spitfire kept her nose to the ground as she answered me. “Yes, Your Highness. I’m just waiting back to hear from the ponies we set out to find where the buffalo encampment is. Is there anything you needed from me?”

“You mean other than wanting to know why the field commander of the Wonderbolts is cowering in my presence?” I asked in a nice little snarky tone to break the ice that was causing the little pegasus to quake with fear.

That got her to look up at me, without permission I might add. Just because I didn’t like her being afraid of Nightmare Moon didn’t mean I wasn’t looking for an excuse to get her demoted before she could try and corrupt Rainbow Dash at the Equestria Games tryouts. “C-Cowering?”

Although, considering that was also one of the whole harmony, episode…things…keeping Spitfire where she was might be a necessary evil. Stupid foreknowledge of stuff that needed to happen.

“Thy wings are twitching, there is a slight shake in your left hind leg, and the look of fear in your eyes when you gaze upon us is quite telling my little pony,” Luna spoke for me while I was preoccupied with the whole butterfly effect of trying to turn Spitfire either into a better pony, or at least an unemployed one. “Do not worry though, I no longer take offense to the fear other ponies experience in my presence.”

Spitfire looked back at herself for a moment. “Uh…thank you Your-”

“Even though I believe more than enough time has passed for the ponies of Equestria to see that I shan’t blot out the sun on a fanciful whim,” Luna went on. “Not to mention all the work I have put in on behalf of Equestria as of late.”

The pegasus broke eyes contact with us. “Well that’s-”

“Okay Luna,” I said before Spitfire could finish, or start really. “I think she gets the point.”

Luna gave me an exasperated sigh. “Yes well, one must wonder how such a pony who cowers before her princess should become the battle leader for the daylight pegasi,” the goddess mused.

The comment about her cowardice got a flinch out of Spitfire. “N-Now hold on a second! That’s completely diff-”

“Captain Spitfire!” a voice called out, cutting the pegasus off once again before Soarin came galloping in with a pair of Wonderbolts I didn’t recognize right behind him. One being a pony with a white coat and yellow mane, with the other possessing a dark blue coat and green hair. While the two other ponies prostrated themselves before me, Soarin went right on ahead. “We found the buffalo’s camp Captain it’s-uh, are you okay Spitfire?”

To avert the scene that was sure to come if Luna was allowed to concentrate on the fact she had just been blown off by Soarin, I cleared my throat. “Good work, my little pony. Now, if you would accompany me over to the maps where Celestia is, we can get to work,” I said before using one of my wings to turn him towards the proper direction. “And you did deliver Princess Luna’s demands for a meeting, right?” Princesses didn’t make requests of invading nations.

Thankfully, Soarin’s apologizing for just barrelling past Luna didn’t take very long, and the little group of two pegasi and one alicorn reached Celestia as she finished her safety lecture that would be told to the rest of the town via their leaders. “Anything to report?” she asked when we approached.

Once again, Soarin and Spitfire went into a bow, then the mare spoke. “Your Majesty. Lt Soarin did as you and your sister ordered. And the buffalo are willing to set up a meeting, but...they have some conditions of their own.”

The next day, me and Tia were standing half a mile outside Appleloosa when we saw the approaching dust cloud that singled a buffalo stampede. A large stampede, way bigger than just us two ponies by about...oh, I’d say all the healthy adult buffalo in the tribe that were willing to fight.

I didn’t know this out of some weird psychic ability though. Thunderhooves condition for meeting us had been that he got to bring all of his soldiers, and Celestia got none. Just going off that, I didn’t have much hope that this was going to turn out very well. Not just over the fact he was bringing an army to a peace negotiation, but because Tia was told not to bring any of her guards. It reeked of a lack of respect that made me feel this attempt at bargaining was doomed to failure.

Celestia seemed pretty calm though. Plus, the fact there was an actual army protecting the town instead of just a bunch of earth ponies armed with apple pie probably made a much better deterrent than the nothing they had before.

“Okay, here’s something I’m wondering,” I mumbled as the buffalo approached. “Just how is it that the buffalo think their running is what makes the world go round?” Although the funny thing was, it did kind of connect to the ancient mesoAmerican cultures and their rituals. It just didn’t have any human sacrifices meant to keep the sun rising.

In response, Celestia shrugged a little. “To be honest, I never thought to ask. Their beliefs weren’t hurting anypony. So I saw no reason to instruct them on the way of things.”

“Except now, I very much doubt that the buffalo are just going to walk away from their sacred duty to keep the heavens moving,” I replied with a frown.

That made Celestia laugh. “Oh please Nighty. Do you think this is the first time I’ve had to readjust where the buffalo tribe runs? When push comes to shove, they always turn away and discover a new path that makes the world turn faster.” Another giggle came from the princess. “It’s really quite adorable, like little foals playing pretend.”

The casual attitude Celestia had gave me some worries about our head negotiator. I really hoped that Tia didn’t decide to give the buffalo the ponies life savings as an added recompense for the emotional turmoil the invading tribe had suffered by standing around for a week or two. Considering how she had set Discord free and just laughed off everything else he ever did later on in the show, I didn’t think she was above it.

Don’t get me wrong. Kindness and giving were all well and good. But it got pretty damned tainted when the stuff you were giving away belonged to someone else.

Thankfully, Luna had insisted we come along, and Celestia didn’t put up much of a fight. All we had to do was let the day monarch make the introductions. Then, Luna would come in and everyone would hash things out.

We had even made a nice little plan that wouldn’t impede the buffalo that much. While there wasn’t any room in the orchard this year, if the earth ponies put a little extra work into the land they would be able to expand the fertile soil enough so that they could move some trees around in about two years. Ponies wouldn’t have to lose trees, and buffalo could get back to running their regular route the next time they came by.

Everybody wins.

The ponies could even set up a nice little hotel or something for them so they wouldn't have to sleep in those teepees. Which made me consider something kind of morbid. While I had yet to look into just where the hell leather came from in Equestria, or if it was just a very similar material, I was pretty sure the old Injins from Earth had used buffalo hides to make their teepees. So…as I doubted the roaming herd beneath me had any manufacturing plants to make imitation leather or hides...were they actually living in the corpses of their ancestors?

The thought was just...freakishly creepy.

“Something wrong Nighty?” Celestia asked. “You seem distant.”

The other alicorn’s words drew me back to the present. “Sorry,” I apologized while thinking of something to BS my way though an excuse. “I was just reviewing what Moondancer had told us about these creatures.”

Celestia giggled a bit. “Well good luck remembering everything. That little filly was very thorough.”

“Indeed,” Luna agreed in a little groan.

Both me and Celestia had a little laugh at Luna’s expense while the buffalo came over the hill. They were certainly bigger than ponies, but according to Moondancer, an earth pony stallion was just as strong as one of their braves despite the size difference. Good old earth pony strength.

When the buffalo stopped, all those good and hopeful feelings that my laughing with Celestia had generated disappeared. Newly sharpened horns glinted in the sunlight, and all of the bastards were wearing war paint. It hardly looked like a group that was up for peaceful negotiations.

“I give greetings to the plains tribe,” Celestia announced loud enough for everyone to hear, although nowhere near RCV levels of volume. “I am here to speak with the mighty Chief Thunderhooves. As agreed, I came without guards to talk of peace between our two tribes. The reply to our message said that you are upset with our orchard being on lands that you have run over for many years, and I am more than willing to hear your grievances and make alterations to our plans for the settlement so that both our kingdoms might coexist peacefully.”

There was a bit of a commotion among the buffalo, and then a loud rumbling voice yelled back. “You were told to come alone pony!” it said, spitting the last word as if it were a curse.

Celestia tilted her head up just a bit more, kind of like the Canterlot nobility did whenever they ran into anyone else. “I was told that the leaders of Equestria were to be welcome to speak before you so that an understanding could be made,” she replied evenly. “With as much travel as your tribe does to the south, you may not have heard that Equestria’s leadership has increased by one in the past month. My sister has been returned to us. Any agreement, treaty, or negotiation with me must also include her as well for it to be valid.”

When the crowd of brown fur parted to let another buffalo through, I became a little hopeful that things were going to work out after all. Although Thunderhooves looked so much like the others I couldn’t see any differences between him and the next, the big crown of bird feathers on top of his head was a nice clue when it came to rank.

And just looking at that thing, I had to wonder where all the feathers for the headdress came from. Did the buffalo just find them laying on the ground? Did they trade for them with eagles? Did eagles even trade for stuff? They were pets, right? I was pretty sure Fluttershy had one up for adoption after all. It was just one of the buffalo’s weird quirks that made me scratch my head in confusion.

Then, the guy actually opened his big mouth, and all my hopes were dashed. “We know all too well of how you ponies have welcomed back the greatest monster that this world has ever known!” the buffalo chief declared. “There shall be no talk! We will not grant peace to a race of thieves that exalts such a creature! You shall leave our lands NOW, or you will all be crushed beneath our mighty hooves!”

I was frozen stiff for a few moments at the declaration of war from the buffalo. It was certainly not what I had been expecting. What had happened to all that hesitation Thunderhooves had before he actually went through with attacking Appleloosa? I mean hell, Pinkie wasn’t even here to sing her damn song, and he was already triggering like mad!

Did the buffalo really hate Luna that much? From what I heard Moondancer say, they didn’t think ponies controlled the sun and moon. So why was Nightmare Moon a big deal to them?

And why the hell did they not give a damn about it before?

This was the reason I didn’t want to dick with the timeline, damnit!

“MONSTER?” Celestia shouted back at them, drawing my attention to the other pony princess as the air around her seemed to get all wavy. “My sister is a Princess of Equestria. You will show her proper respect! If not, these negotiations will end here, and trust me, such an action will not give you access to Equestrian territory!”

The buffalo let out a laugh. “Equestrian territory?” he shouted as he stomped forward. “My father ran through these lands, and his father before him, and his father before him, and his father before him, and his father before him, and his father before him, and his father before him, and-”

Celestia didn’t let Thunderhooves finish. “And before that, your people ran up further north, and before that even further, and before that, my sister and I lived within a castle deep within a forest,” she told him evenly as a frown crossed her face. “And I will tell you the same thing I told her when she came home to find it gone. Things change. There is no stopping it. Accept and adapt, that is the only thing you can do in this situation.

“Now, the same monster you cry out against, in her sympathy of your plight has drawn up a plan that would allow your tribe to run its old course if you simply run around the orchard this year,” she told them.

Thunderhooves’s eyes went wide at the suggestion. Then, he scowled in anger. “You would expect me to violate the sacred duty of my tribe?” the chief asked with a snort. “So the sun-stealer is still up to her old tricks. Well you will not impede us this time! Attack, my warriors! Let us drive the horned devils from our lands!”

“Oh COME ON!” I shouted in disbelief while the brave buffalo chief suddenly turn and ran before Celestia could knock the crap out of him. This had not been what I was expecting to happen. Not by a long shot.

“Luna stand back!” the goddess shouted before she shoved me away with her horn’s magic.

A line of buffalo suddenly surged forward and Celestia’s horn lit up like a firework. She raised her head before a wall of flame sprung up between her and the advancing buffalo. With my inability to actually see through fire, I couldn’t tell if the flames did much to stop the incoming wall of horns before several of the creatures came barreling through it haphazardly.

It was a move that proved foolish, as Celestia reared up and struck the first buffalo that came near her with her hooves on the side of his head hard enough to send him flying a good twenty feet off to the side. The second one that got close to her ended up with a hoof to the forehead so hard I could hear the bone break from fifty feet away, and then I watched him fly back through Celestia’s firewall. As for the other three that crossed the flames, they ran about in an uncontrolled panic before being wrapped up in a golden light, and were then sent flying off to a hill half a mile away when Celestia flung her head in that direction.

With the initial charge apparently dealt with, Celestia flapped her wings and took to the air. I joined her a second later, and Luna told me to look back towards the town.

“TO ARMS! READY THUNDERCLOUDS AND RAISE THE SHIELDS!”

What followed Luna’s command to rally was...well, I couldn't really call it a battle. The Wonderbolts swooped in on the back of storm clouds that zapped the hell out of any buffalo caught beneath them and left them a mass of twitching limbs and burnt fur. Any semblance of organization was destroyed when their primary charge was broken. The buffalo that actually made it to the edge of the town to complete their chief’s orders fared even worse. Shining Armor’s shield had absolutely no give, and that meant bone struck something stronger than titanium with all the force of a charging rhino behind it. What ended up breaking was not the pink wall of light.

The whole thing was over in less than fifteen minutes, without a single pony being hurt. And aside from the ones that tried to slaughter the non-combatants by trampling them to death before running into a magic barrier, the buffalo weren’t all that bad off either. Apparently, the Wonderbolts had set their clouds to stun. Not that the tasing bolts didn’t pack quite a wallop, but it didn’t look like they killed anyone either.

When it was all over, Celestia stood atop the immobile body of Thunderhooves as he groaned in pain. “How dare you,” Tia snarled as I trotted up to stand beside her. “I came here in hopes of making peace, in the hopes of finally bringing your tribe into the harmony that Equestria experiences, and THIS IS HOW YOU RESPOND?”

Thunderhooves snorted as only we quadrupeds could. But...I could tell it was all bluster. There was a slight widening of his eyes, a shifting of his legs, and he looked more ready to turn and run than get up and charge. “You Equestrians. You drive us away from our lands, take what is rightfully ours, and you dare to speak of your ideals as if they are so superior, halting our sacred duty while placing a monster upon your highest throne. You are all no better than the underdwelling dogs that once caused my father’s father’s fathers so much pain.”

Celestia horn lit up so bright it could have served as a second sun. “We freed your tribe and several others from the diamond dogs!” she shouted back while flames seemed to dance around her coat. “We offered you all protection and guidance, only to have our hooves slapped away as you demanded all that we made during a century of war be undone! And even after you rejected us. Even after your kind killed mine merely for living on a patch of dirt you would run through once a year at best, I allowed your tribe to continue with its ways, hopeful that one day you would see the light. All because I felt sorry for your ignorance, and impotence of your beliefs.

“But not this time,” she whispered. “Under the advisement of my sister’s aide, I shall no longer allow your tribe to wallow in its own stupidity, breeding more creatures like you that would seek to kill my ponies for the sake of a tradition based off lies.”

Celestia’s horn lit up. “You believe yourselves the stewards of the heavens, that the world shall end if not for your actions? I shall dissuade you of that notion,” she said as all the buffalo around us were lifted into the air. “You will be returned to your camp, and a barrier spell will be placed upon it, preventing you from leaving. And as the days, and weeks, months and years pass, you will be forced to watch as the world moves on without you. Perhaps then, your kind will be willing to listen to reason.”

Then, Celestia released her magic in a bright flash.

When my vision cleared, the buffalo and alicorn were gone.

Things didn’t end there, of course. It took time to set up the uh...well, let’s face it, the buffalo reservation. Supplies had to be sent to keep them fed among other things. On the upside, a few of the buffalo calves were already able to cross the barrier Tia erected once she teleported everyone to the camp. The way of getting past it was figuring out the buffalo tribe was not the center of the universe and doing away with their dogma in favor of not killing ponies. But the older members of the tribe were holding onto their beliefs firmly.

Still, even with everything going smoothly, getting everything ready took a few days.

One thing I did learn was why the buffalo hated Nightmare Moon so much. Apparently, their legends said that she tricked them into running backwards a thousand years ago, and nearly destroyed the world. Not to mention how she chased them out of their lands, and would escape from the moon from time to time to cause storms in the path of the stampede and send plagues their way. Basically, anything bad that happened to the buffalo got blamed on the evil moon spirit.

In the end, I left feeling conflicted about the whole thing. I mean, the buffalo lost and got their land taken away. But on the other hand, they weren’t doing jack shit with it other than following a stupid tradition for no good reason. A tradition they were willing to kill to keep, and apparently had before. And it wasn’t really like Celestia had put their people through the Trail of Tears.

And maybe that what was really bugging me. I tended to draw connections between Pony World and Human Land as much as possible, but...this time things just didn’t fit. Sure the buffalo had a few superficial connection to the pre-European Americans, but...that was all they were. A lot like how pony society didn’t really reflect my old one all that well when you got down to the nitty gritty of things.

Then there was that little bit of world building Celestia and Chief Blunderhooves had talked about. I had wanted to ask Celestia about it right from the get go, but that had to wait until the trip home because of all the work we needed to do setting things up with the buffalo and providing Appleloosa with more medical supplies.

But once the train got going, I was able to start up a nice discussion about what the hell she and the buffalo had been talking about.

“You mean you don’t know?” Celestia asked in surprise a few minutes after the train got going. “Luna, why didn’t you tell her?”

Luna snorted. “With everything we had to do in order to depart these past days?” she asked. “Besides, you are the academic Celestia. You do the historical lectures. I’m merely the morality and life lesson teacher.”

The white pony rolled her eyes, and then adjusted herself on the couch. “Well, I know you’ve already read the history of how the three tribes came together, but don’t tell me you haven’t noticed the donkeys, cattle and sheep that live in Equestria Nighty.”

“I’m not blind Tia,” I deadpanned before rolling my eyes. “I just...never really thought about it before.” Plus, the show tended to stay away from the talking animals that lived in pens. Like...you know...slaves.

Celestia nodded. “Most ponies don’t,” she said before taking a lecture stance that looked way too Twilight to be a coincidence. “Well, when the Equestrian tribes needed to get away from the frozen lands, they settled in Equestria and elected us to lead them. However, the land wasn’t as uninhabited as we first believed…”

So I listened to the history of Equestria that would have never made it onto a kid’s show outside of Adult Swim. From the way Celestia told it, the land western Equestria now sat on used to belong to the diamond dogs, who had some vast underground network of cities the ponies had no idea about when they came trotting in. The sheep, donkeys, cows and buffalo had all been their slaves in the underdark. Tia didn’t know how long this had all gone on. It was before even her time.

But that didn’t mean the ponies weren’t willing to leave them alone as long as they were left alone. However, Since both the double D’s and ponies were interested in mining gems, that didn’t last very long. There was also the odd unicorn that could locate such things, whom the diamond dogs loved to make into a gem detector. The tension eventually led to war.

I was kind of put off by the fact Equestria’s first major military action was for money and not over the fact that the diamond dogs were using slave labor, but at the same time...I wasn’t about to fault Celestia for not sacrificing pony lives for another species just because they had it bad off. Her and Luna were princess of Equestria. Their primary concern by several tiers of importance should have been pony lives. Like with what happened in Appleloosa.

When the war ended, the other races looked to the ponies as an example. Like ponies, the sheep and cows sought out purposes in their lives, but...they couldn’t really compete with ponies except for when it came to producing milk and wool. There was also the fact that their kind had never developed the industry that ponies had, and hundreds of years of tunnel digging slavery didn’t do wonders for their species’s technological skills. Donkeys fared a little better, but lacked that ‘cutie mark expertise’ that all ponies possessed to really compete in the market.

As for the buffalo, they were...less receptive to ponies. Unlike the other cloven-hooved races, a few buffalo tribes had still been out running around free at the time. So their entire civilization and cultures hadn't been completely obliterated like the sheep and cows. When the diamond dogs were taken care of, they had shown up and demanded their lands back. Lands that Celestia and Luna had worked for the better part of one-hundred years to liberate. Lands that ponies had been born on, died on, and for. Lands that no living buffalo had even walked on, just been told about by their great-whatever grandparents.

“And we sure as hay weren’t about to give them up after everything that had gone into acquiring all that territory,” Celestia finished. “So the buffalo attacked, and we chased them away.”

“Twas rather easy,” Luna added. “What with them not being able to fly, and our pegasi having the option of bucking lightning down upon them. Our little winged ponies were eager to show their usefulness after a generation of having to fight in tunnels.”

I waited a bit more, but since that was apparently the end of the story, my eyes drifted over to Celestia’s little bauble we had taken with us from Appleloosa. “Still...I feel kind of bad for them.” I mean, they did lose their homes to the ponies...kind of. Celestia had a point when she said no living buffalo had ever really lived there. Even today, all the land under their control was just a giant circuit they ran.

Luna snorted. “Hmph. They will find no sympathy from me,” she said before turning our head to Celestia. “After all, times change, do they not Sister?”

“Luna,” Celestia said with a sigh. “You have to admit, putting our castle in the middle of the Everfree was foolish. The unicorns offered me their former capital, and I took it as the most logical choice.”

“Ugh,” was Luna’s only reply before she changed the subject. “How long until we are home again? I miss my attendants.”

Celestia looked out the window for a few seconds, and frowned. “I think we may be coming up on Ponyville soon. Do either of you want to stop by and see the girls?” she asked before a little smirk appeared on her face. “We could get some coffee at least.”

For a moment I thought about just telling her no, and then crawling back into bed until Cadance started acting like bridezilla. That whole thing with the buffalo hadn’t exactly helped me to think my presence in Equestria was one of those things that made everything better. It was much smarter for me to just bury my head in the pillows and-

BOOM!

I cried out in surprise and grabbed onto the ends of Luna’s couch as the entire train shook from the force of an impact that seemed to be more noise than mass. When the world finally stopped moving, I looked up with a frown on my face. “WHAT THE HAY WAS THAT?”

With her face turned towards the window, Celestia let out a little laugh. “Oh my, a sonic rainboom.”

My eyes widened at the noise before being assaulted by a disco ball's worth of colorful flashes from the windows that left me feeling strangely energized. And after my brain fought off the urge to have an epileptic seizure from the colorful attack, I looked over to the calendar on the wall with all of our important appointments marked on it.

Like the Best Young Flier’s Competition.

That was still TWO DAYS AWAY!

Dammit Rainbow Dash! What the hell did you do now?

I Am Thankful For No Good Reason

When we got to Ponyville, the scene was…a lot less destroyed than I was expecting.

While I wasn’t one-hundred percent knowable of the physics of sonic booms, and that was without Equestria magical physics messing with the way things were supposed to work, I was pretty sure broken windows should have been part of the deal. But as I looked around the town with its thatch roofs and intact window panes, I was…eerily relieved to find that ponies really built stuff to last.

Then again, they had tapestries that lasted over one thousand years of wear and tear of rough weather patterns and wooden furniture that still stood in the Castle of the Two Sisters, so what was one little broken sound barrier to a piece of glass made by ponies?

But my confusion only lasted until I found the pony responsible for said sonic boom. This was mostly because she was with a certain purple pony, who was standing on her hind legs while her forelegs were wrapped around in a wonderfully beautiful hug that…well…

“Squeeeee!” I exclaimed as I saw my beyond a shadow of a doubt conformation of TwiDash and galloped up to them so I could sit down and clop my hooves together in excitement. “OhmygoshOhmygoshOhmygosh! The two of you! I knew it! I bucking knew it! TAKE THAT FLASH SENTRY!”

Celestia may have looked at me a little weird as I pointed over to Canterlot, but I didn’t care! TWIDASH WAS A THING!

“Uh…thanks?” Rainbow said. “Now, can one of you princesses please get Twilight off me? She won’t let go ever since I caught her, and she keeps teleporting anypony who tries to pry at her hooves! Applejack has had to run back from her farm two times now.”

As Rainbow’s words made the wedding plans for my favorite couple turn into a mental trainwreck, Celestia stepped into our conversation. “Twilight, what’s going on?”

“No!” Twilight pleaded and a frantic tone. “I can’t! If I let go of Rainbow Dash, I’ll die!”

“WHAT?” I shouted, now totally confused.

The pegasus in Twilight’s grip rolled her eyes and sighed. “Okay so, you remember how Twilight said she was going to make me this training schedule? Well, I miss one day-”

“A day and a half!” Twilight corrected.

“I had Wonderbolts tickets!”

“The schedule is the schedule Rainbow Dash!”

Celestia cleared her throat, stopping all further arguments. “And then what happened?”

“Anyway, I said that Twilight may have read some books about flying and junk, but only ponies with wings really knew what flying was like,” Rainbow began.

“So I found a spell that gave ponies wings made from gossamer and morning dew,” Twilight went on.

All of a sudden, I knew how this was going to end. “And let me guess, you flew too high, and they evaporated,” I said with a deadpan expression before I sighed in disappointment. So much for TwiDash being a thing.

I could feel my heart tear as the ship went down in flames.

Twilight over at me and blinked. “No, I read all the warnings about not to fly near the sun,” she said before a blush covered her face. “I just forgot to account for the possibility of a rogue gust strong enough to affect them when I was flying near the Everfree Forest. It tore my wings to pieces.”

Rainbow perked up. “And then I swooped down and- gak!” she said as she tried to fly up and the chokehold Twilight had her in tightened.

“You caught her, Sonic Rainboom, good job Dash,” I deadpanned before looking back to Twilight. “Twilight, you can let her go now. You’re on solid ground.”

The little unicorn shook her head. “No I can’t! What happens the next time I fall? Rainbow caught me when I fell the first night you were back. She caught me when I fell off the balcony while I was realigning my telescope. She caught me when I fell off the ladder in the library-”

“I was there for the next Daring Do book,” Dash explained at my questioning glance.

“She caught me when a sneeze made me misalign a teleport three days ago, and she caught me today when we were over the Everfree!” Twilight finished. “The evidence is clear, I’m obviously gravity accident prone! Rainbow Dash may be around to catch me nine times out of ten, but all it takes is once, and then it’s all over!”

Once again, Celestia sighed and rubbed the tiny space between her horn and eyes. “Alright Twilight, what if I were to teach you a spell to levitate yourself? Would that alleviate your fears? Luna used it on Nighty many times when they were learning to fly to avoid grievous injury.”

Twilight blinked at the question, and I could slowly see the panic in her mind give way to something else as she thought the question over. “Um…maybe? How hard is it?”

“I’m sure a pony as intelligent as yourself would be able to pick it up,” Tia replied with a gentle smile. “Now, how about you let Rainbow go?”

“Um…but I can’t,” she protested more calmly than before.

I frowned. “Twilight, you’re on solid ground. You’re fine. You can let go. You won’t die!”

The little unicorn blushed a bit at my final words. “Okay, well…I’ll admit that my declaration of how I was going to perish if I was separated from Rainbow Dash might have been a little…overzealous. But I really can’t let her go!”

“Say what now?” the pegasus asked.

Before I could ask what the hell was going on, Luna beat me to the punch. “Twilight? Do not tell us that you have used an attraction spell to attach thyself to Rainbow Dash.”

Twilight slunk down onto the pegasus as her ears flattened. “I-I was afraid she was going to drop me,” she said.

“Uh,” Rainbow Dash spoke up, cutting Twilight off. “Is an attraction spell what I think it sounds like?”

Celestia groaned. “At what strength?”

“…maximum,” Twilight squeaked.

I rolled my eyes and fired up my horn. “Fine. You’re stuck together. Here’s a solution,” I said as I focused on the purple unicorn and then bent space-time to poof her behind me.

“No WAIT!” Twilight managed before she disappeared and I heard the bang of a teleport drop the unicorn behind me. “There! Problem sol-GAH!” I said before I felt the bang of a pony when Twilight slammed into me from behind with enough force to actually knock me down before careening into Rainbow Dash thanks to some unseen force.

Oh…it’s going to be one of THOSE friendship problems. Stupid stuck together cliché. Or magnetized, or…whatever. I could think very well, having just been ran over by a unicorn.

“So…any ideas?” I asked Celestia as I pulled myself off of the ground and looked over to the alicorn. From what I had seen of the spell, it was Twilight that had done all the moving, not Rainbow Dash. So…we could maybe hold her down? Lock her in a room or something?

The question was, just what would that do to her? Just how much force was being applied to Twilight? Was it push, or pull?

Celestia examined the two ponies for a few moments, and looked back to me. “While I don’t know of any counterspells of the top of my head, there might be one in the Canterlot Archives,” she said before looking at the TwiDash. “We’ll take the two of you there on our train so that Twilight can research a solution.”

“Wait! I can’t go to Canterlot! Have you seen how high it is?” the purple pony protested as she pointed to the mountain. “Just look at it!”

“Twilight, you lived there for eighteen years,” Tia told her as she gave the pegasus and the unicorn an easy look. “It will be fine!”

Twilight fiercely shook her head. “Nononono! Please Princess Celestia, don’t make me goooooooo!”

For a moment, both me and Celestia were stupefied as Twilight began to hyperventilate. I looked over to Tia for help while my damn brain said this had all been my idea, and the guardian of Equestria looked about as helpless as I did to stop it. That fall had really shaken the poor purple unicorn up.

“Alright Twilight, it’s alright,” Celestia told her calmly with a look in her eyes that said the alicorn was anything but that. “You don’t have to go back to Canterlot. You can look through Ponyville Library’s magical research section, and I’ll have my best scholar look for a solution in Canterlot, does that sound good?”

As the purple unicorn calmed down a bit upon hearing she didn’t have to ride a train up a mountain, the pegasus of the pair turned a little worried. “But uh…you guys will be able to fix this soon, right?” she asked. “I can’t fly like this, and the Best Young Flier’s Competition is in just two days! This is the last year I can compete. If I can’t get in…”

Hearing that news, Twilight winced. “Sorry.”

Rainbow took a second to frown back at Twilight, and then lowered her ears and looked away with her own sad expression when the purple unicorn gave Dash a guilty look in reply.

“I promise that I will do everything that I can to help the two of you,” Celestia told them gently before she looked up with a surprised expression. “Although…I think for the moment I had best stay and explain things to your friends.”

I raised an eyebrow, and then looked back in the direction Tia had her eyes set on just in time to see Pinkie rushing up with a wagon behind her. “Okay Twilight, I’ve got a crowbar, glue dissolvent, clippers, hacksaw, chisel with mallet, and dynamite. Which one to do want me to try first?”

Twilight groaned at the various tools in Pinkie’s wagon. “Pinkie, for the last time. We’re not glued together, it’s just an increased natural attraction that’s drawing me to Rainbow Dash focused around my forelegs and her neck!”

The pink party pony blinked with wide eyes as her mind worked on that one so hard I thought I actually saw gears turning behind her peepers for a second. “Oh! You cast a hug spell on Dashie then?” she finally said before reaching into her mane and pulling out a little notebook. “Okay, when do you want me to schedule your wedding party?”

“Rainbow?” Twilight asked.

“Yeah?”

“Can you cover my face with one of your hooves? I can’t let go of your neck.”

Once we got back to Canterlot, Celestia fulfilled her promise to Twilight by doing everything in her power to find a magical cure for her mystical problem. Unfortunately, nearly a week down South had left days worth of problems piled up, even with Cadance trying to fill Celestia’s shoes. The resulting workload meant that there was very little time for Celestia to look into one mare’s problems in the whole mess that was the Canterlot bureaucracy.

Which meant that I got stuck with the job.

Before handing it off to Moondancer anyway. She was better for that sort of stuff. Which meant that the search for Sunset’s journal was going to be put on hold for another day or two.

Thankfully, Luna didn’t have much in the way of missed work. Minuette and Twinkleshine might have become a little hoarse from all the updates they had to read, and Sparkler filled my next three days with meetings to attend regarding the reforms Luna was trying to implement in Equestria, but it was still nothing compared to Celestia’s schedule.

One thing did stand out about it though…

“Wait a second,” I said as I read the list of chores that Sparkler had made for me over Twinkleshine shoulder. This was mostly due to the fact that she was currently in my forelegs, being held tightly like any good living pony plushie. I had a lot of time to make up for after all, not to mention a decree that would keep at least one of my girls close to me at all times. There was no way I was going to be without a pony to cuddle when away from the castle anymore.

As to what was on the list of things to do that caught my eye, “Rarity’s coming here to show off our princess dresses?” I asked before looking over to Sparkler. Considering she lived in Ponyville, the little unicorn had probably already seen them. “She’s done with them already?”

Sparkler shook her head. “Just the basic design both you and Princess Celestia will be using. I talked to her yesterday, and she’s got about half a dozen different plans for each of your dresses that she can let you choose from.”

With the one damn thing that I was looking forward to today clarified, I gave Twinkie one last little nuzzle to show how much I cared for her, and gently set the blushing pony down onto the ground. “Okay then, let’s go meet with the stupid astronomy guild.”

“Nightmare!” Luna chided me. “I think it best not to say such things about a group of ponies that has come to appreciate my night so!”

I sighed and slowly shook my head. “Sorry Luna. It’s just…you know how this goes. Nopony ever calls on royalty unless they’ve got something they want us to do. You’re the ones that give out the medals, the thanks, and the pats on the head. Not the other way around.”

And so, we headed off to the Canterlot observatory that was located outside of town. In other words, on the mountain that Canterlot was built into. Still, despite the remote location, the building was actually pretty swanky. It was the size of a small palace with walls were made from white marble and a dome of green glass. A giant telescope poked through the side of the building’s roof and faced towards the sky.

Being what it was, this was hardly Luna’s first visit to the place. We had actually come here our first week in Equestria once Celestia was sure we weren’t going to eat anypony. So we were able to skip the tour. Not that I had forgotten anything about a historical pony site.

It had been built during the first year of what was now referred to as the Celestia Era so that ponies could enjoy the night. Of course, this was three months too late for Luna, but the Nightmare Moon incident had spurred Celestia towards making sure there were ponies that enjoyed the stars for when her sister eventually returned.

Thanks to the location, there were actually more pegasi around than unicorns, making it one of the few pegasi dominant places in the greater Canterlot area. Plus, it just seemed that the flying ponies enjoyed the night more than most of the other tribes for whatever reason.

Maybe they liked to navigate by the stars or something. I’d ask Rainbow Dash about it later. Fluttershy really didn’t seem like the type of pony that went out that much after dark.

But enjoying the majesty of the Luna Fan Club’s house was just about the only thing good that happened to me that morning. The meeting with the astrological board of ended up going about as badly as I predicted it would. After a century of Celestia just raising the moon instead of rearranging the stars like Luna could apparently do, there was a long list of complaints about how Luna had changed the position of several stars on top of making new constellations. It didn’t matter that the ‘guidepost’ stars were still in their same location either. Nope, after a thousand years of everything being static, ponies didn’t like any kind of change.

Then came all the grumbling about a meteor shower Luna had made when we were down in Appleloosa to help show the heavens really did belong to the sisters; as if the two of us having the sun and moon do loops in the air weren’t enough. If we were going to make it rain starlight, then the Astrological Society wanted to be the ponies to ‘advise’ Luna when it was best to do so and set up a predictable schedule for the alicorn’s cosmic weather.

Luna…didn’t take the barely concealed demands very well. So not very well that she was actually going on about it for hours after we left to anypony that would listen…

“And then they had the nerve, neigh, the audacity to say that if I wanted to make any new constellations, then it would be prudent to ‘consult with us in order to create proper works that honor truly deserving ponies’,” she said in a mockery of the head astronomer Empty Night’s voice before snorting out a puff of air. “As if our friends were anything but the most deserving ponies to have their marks placed in the sky in generations!”

With the latest reiteration of Luna’s rant done, I took a seat on the floor of the bare room we were using to house our next appointment. As this was to be a more personal meeting, the room was pretty sparse. Beside the pony who had just finished listen to Luna drone on was a small table with tea and cakes on it. Not to mention some rice crackers, but they weren’t for the guest.

No, they were for the other pony in the room. The pony on a diet.

Aside from that, we also had a trio of mirrors to show me off at different angles at the same time parked in the corner for when everything got going.

Princess Celestia reached over and put a comforting fetlock over our back. “They’re just trying to find their place now that you’ve returned Luna. Something I think you can more than sympathize with.”

At that I had to snort. “Oh please, they’re just making a grab for power. It’s been a thousand years since you made that place Celestia, and I’ll admit it did its job. There are tons of ponies that look at the stars or go out on dates after dark. But these days, anypony with ten bits can buy a telescope to enjoy the night.”

“Not to mention their purpose was made in error,” Luna added. That little bit of information got a confused look from both Celestia and me.

The white pony cocked her head to the side. “Pardon?”

Luna made us sigh and roll our eyes. “Pray tell Sister, what does the big plaque at the entrance to the Royal Observatory state that its reason for being is?”

Still confused, Celestia’s answer ending sounding more like a question. “To study the night sky?”

“Nighty, extend our hoof towards the ceiling in exclamation, would you?” Luna told me before I did as commanded. “Exactly! While I am delighted that you made efforts to ensure my sky was enjoyed, the institution you founded went about it all wrong! The sky was not meant to be studied Celestia, it was meant to be enjoyed. Everypony that was to look at it wasn’t to be told what they saw or felt, they were supposed to discover such things for themselves! And such discoveries would be different for everypony that gazes upon them. But instead of letting other ponies figure such things out for themselves, instead of letting them find their own truths, you’re telling them what everything means!”

With Luna finally done with her rant/speech, Celestia blinked. “Well, we do both have our way of approaching something Sister, and several of your pictures in the night sky are quite obvious to see,” she said before standing up a little straighter. “I merely created a guild that would allow everypony to see your work at its maximum potential.”

Although, judging by the rolling of Luna’s eyes, I think Celestia completely missed the point of her sister’s speech. And…I might have started to feel a little bit of what Luna endured growing up with an older sister that always thought she was right all the time.

But before things could devolve further, the door opened up to admit a unicorn that I always enjoyed seeing.

Thankfully, Rarity hadn’t decided to wear anything to our meeting. And I’m not just saying that because she came in the door butt first to give us princesses a full view of her filled out assets thanks to the fact she was talking to someone in the hall behind her. “Careful, careful now. I don’t want a single thread out of place for the presentation,” she said before gasping when something fell to the floor, followed by Rarity’s dramatic scream.

I looked over to Celestia for some suggestions, but the big white pony just gave a little amused smirk at Rarity’s panic while she floated an oversized pony-mannequin into the bare room that we had set aside for our little private fitting session. And, okay I could see the humor in Rarity panicking at nothing. But on the other hand, Twilight Sparkle panic attacks had really killed my ability to laugh at such things.

“Are you okay Rarity?” I called out to the mare.

“Yes! Fine! Everything’s just perfectly fine! Just some sewing equipment in case I needed to make a last minute alterations. They can take a little bump.” And so, I was left wondering why Rarity was the pony carrying all of her equipment when we had plenty of staff to help her out.

Then came two large covered forms on coat racks that were obviously our dresses, although the bar on wheels she was using to hang them on looked a little improvised. But then, Celestia and I were a little tall, anything meant for a pony of normal height would probably mean they would have dragged on the ground.

Celestia and me stood silent as Rarity finished getting her stuff in to hang on the wall and set up before she turned to bow. “Your Majesties, I-”

The little pony didn’t get any further before Celestia cut her off with a groan. “Rarity, there’s a reason I asked you to meet us here alone rather than the throne room. It’s either Celestia, or Tia when we’re in private. We’re friends. I’m not going to make you put on a show when you don’t have to.”

Still, the little unicorn didn’t stop from prostrating herself.

“And rise my friend,” Luna added. Although, when Rarity looked up at us with a questioning expression as if to ask if it was alright, Luna held out her hoof. “Unless of course you wish to indulge yourself with our hoof as you did my sister’s. We shall wait.”

Rarity was back on her hooves in an instant. “Um…yes…about that,” she managed to say with a blush before looking over to the gown she brought. “Let’s um…get down to business, and wrap this up quickly, shall we? No offense, but I am a little worried about Twilight and Rainbow’s predicament. I’m due to play peacemaker with them later today, and if I’m late…”

Those words quickly killed the merry mood. “How are they holding up?” I asked. It was almost sunset after all. The two of them spending the day together might have been cute as hell under the right circumstances, but not in the stuck-on-you scenario.

“Rainbow’s going crazy with the fact she can’t even get off the ground, and seems to be driving Twilight about equally as insane,” Rarity said, the dresses apparently forgotten for the moment in the face of gossip. “Quite frankly, I think they’re going to kill each other if this mess isn’t resolved soon.”

I made a mental note to check in on Moondancer after nightfall.

As usual, Celestia just giggled at the possibility of our two best friends dying. “Oh I don’t think things are going to go that far Rarity,” she said before looking at the dresses on the mobile rack. “Now, our clothes.”

With her mind put back on track, Rarity’s horn lit up and pulled off the coverings to leave the dress hanging on the bar, untouched by the unicorn’s magic.

The was a mix of two colors in diagonal lines that went all the way around, but did so in a way that made the things look quite appealing. And those colors were white and gold.

“Hmm truly a good start,” Luna commented with a nod before she looked over to the unicorn. “Although, I will of course require a gown in mine own colors. Something in black and blue would be nice.”

Celestia looked over at us with a raised eyebrow. “What are you talking about Luna? The dress is black and blue,” she said.

And all of a sudden, I got worried.

Like…really worried.

Armageddon is coming kind of worried.

“Sister, is this one of thy stupid jokes?” Luna asked Celestia with a frown. “The dress is obviously white and gold.”

Celestia’s eyes narrowed back at us. “What do you mean stupid jokes? That dress is clearly black and blue.”

Taking a moment to try and save as many ponies as I could before what had been building before Rarity even came in caused the ponypocolypse, I grabbed the little unicorn in Luna’s magic to lift her into the air and bring her close enough to whisper. “Rarity, run! Run and don’t look back!”

With that, I tossed her through the door and slammed it shut.

Then, in an attempt to keep Canterlot in once piece, I turned around to look at Celestia. “Uh look, Tia…you know how Rarity is. She probably thought it would be neat to make a piece of clothing that has a subjective color scheme…or…something,” I said while trying to remember the details of something from my human memory that involved a similar incident. Wasn’t there something about the eye that made the dress appear different? Maybe it was the lighting. I couldn’t recall.

“Art and color aren’t subjective,” Tia deadpanned. “There is good and there is bad, just like there is black and blue! Pictures are what the artist painted, not what the audience sees.”

Luna scoffed. “Oh, so now we’re starting this argument up again?” she demanded. “The eye of the beholder Sister! That which is received is what truly matters! Not the intentions for which the creation was originally made.”

After a second, Celestia let out a groan. “Luna you can’t argue the fact that everypony that has ever created anything knows what it is from the start, and those that don’t interpret it correctly are obviously wrong!”

“Watch me!” the other goddess replied before they began a fight that had probably been going on for centuries, with a thousand years rest in-between.

Shortly thereafter, I was forced to listen to a rather odd debate about the nature of art and the subjective view versus the overall objective one. While I couldn’t really follow everything they said, it did give me an insight when it came to the inner workings of the sisters. Celestia was the scientist of the two. She believed everything having a set explanation from the get go, everything followed certain rules, and it all had a single answer. Luna was the artist. She all about the subjective view that was open to interpretation and allowed for various correct answers.

It put a lot of things in perspective for me when it came to the two sisters. They were opposites that had found a way to work together in perfect…well…harmony was the only word that fit. And all of a sudden, I understood why Celestia had only taken unicorns as students, and failed so miserably to get another one to alicorn status. It was because she had only been playing with half a deck.

That was why Twilight had to live in Ponyville to get her wings. Celestia couldn’t give her the teaching she needed to be an alicorn, and with Luna needing to play catch-up, the purple pony had to get it from someone else. Plus, I doubt the goddess had thought things were all that safe with me around those first few weeks when she hadn’t been sure I wasn’t just luring her into a false sense of security.

But, they didn’t get into a huge fight that ended in an Equestrian civil war between the Lunar Republic and Solar Empire. And on the plus side, we ended up giving the gowns back to Rarity.

She was waiting for us on the other side of the door when Celestia came out with the dresses, only...mostly mangled. “I’m sorry Rarity, but these just aren’t working out for us,” she said. “I know I said I wanted to be surprised, but…to be honest, I’d like something in pink. Varying shades of pink, with some sun decoration.”

“Dark purple for us,” Luna added as she walked up to our friend and smiled. “And forget about that whole same baseline thing my little pony. Both Celestia and I are unique, and should dress as such.”

From her place beside us, the horse goddess snorted. “Luna, we’re sisters born from the same mother. We’re not really that different if you think about the fact that we both came from-”

I groaned and used a hoof to stop Celestia’s mouth from moving. “Oh no, we’re not starting that up again!”

It was later that night that I had to stop a lone Twilight Sparkle from falling into an infinite pit of darkness. Of course with such things being absent in Ponyville, it should go without saying that what I was actually doing was interfering with a new nightmare that had her dealing with a newfound fear of heights.

Or maybe it was just a fear of falling.

Was there really a difference between the two?

Well...anyway, since Luna was pretty certain things would be bad for her, we took extra care to keep an ear out for her dreams while going through the paces with our guard training. Then, after hearing the purple pony’s scream across the dream airways, Luna left Nightwing in charge and teleported us to bed.

After we scolded Ace for getting dog hair on our covers, one sleep spell followed by a dream walk later, and I leapt right into Twilight’s dream to find her just waving about in the infinite black.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!” she screamed while getting smaller and smaller in the dark.

Since pesky little things like space didn’t matter in the dream world, I lit up Luna’s horn and turned the pony around before speeding her back to me. Although, considering there was no point of reference for the unicorn, Twilight continued with the screaming even after being pulled up and towards me.

“AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!”

And she actually kept that up until I brought her in range of my hooves for a hug.

“AAAAAA-huh?” Twilight said as her never-ending plummet came to an end.

I rocked the little pony in my grip gently and whispered into her ear. “Shhhh. It’s okay Twilight. We’re here, you’re safe,” I said before kissing the shivering mare on her forehead and wrapping my wings around her. “I’m here, and you’re safe.”

Twilight continued to shiver in terror, and now that she wasn’t screaming, not to mention pressed up against my body, I could also make out some other things. For starters, her heart was absolutely racing, going maybe sixty beats per minute. And then there was her breathing, taking in maybe two breaths a second. The implications of which were absolutely terrifying.

One of the first things that Luna had taught me when it came to dream magic safety was that while a pony couldn’t be hurt physically in a dream, that didn’t mean there weren’t any dangers involved. Forgetting the hundred and one magical things that could go wrong for the moment, I concentrated on the more human world kind of things. Like the fact that if Twilight’s dream-self was having an increased heart rate and breathing too quickly to get any oxygen, then her real body was probably having the same problems.

“Wake her up,” Luna commanded as her head came over my shoulder to look down at the shivering mare.

I frowned and looked over to little Luna that I had brought forth in her little Woona body. Since I knew going into the dream that Twilight would have probably been terrified out of her mind, I had made Luna’s form all cute and huggable for distracting the purple pony from her fear.

Although, the sudden change in Luna’s usual type of dream intervention made me wonder what she was up to, I touched my horn to Twilight’s head. Even if physical contact was kind of a joke in the dream, it helped me focus, which was the be all and end all of Slumberland.

A flash of light later, and she was gone. With the sleeper awakened, the dream quickly faded as well, leaving me and my shoulder alicorn out in the hall of dream doors where all slumbering minds were connected.

“Good,” little Woona commented. “Now, return us to the waking world, and I will guide our teleport to Ponyville. She will need us to help sooth her mind.”

I nodded, but stopped before looking back to the little horse. “Wait a second.”

“Yes?” Woona asked with the most adorable chubby cheeks and innocent eyes that blinked twice.

The cuteness did its best to deter me from going on, but I managed to get a Will save. “I can manipulate every facet of a dream. It would have been simple for me to turn this pit into a field of daffodils or something,” I told her before I frowned. “You just didn’t want her to see you as a foal, didn’t you.”

My widdle Woona let out an indignant snort. “I still fail to see the wisdom in putting me in such a body when we have a friend to comfort.”

“What?” I asked with a smirk. “You never hugged your favorite doll after a really scary dream or thunderstorm?”

The red on Woona’s cheeks told me that she did. “Just get us to Twilight’s home already. We can only alter our perception of time so much while we’re here.”

After awakening, Luna had us draw on the power of the moon for a long-range teleport. It made me arrive in a stumble at the library as I did my best to keep from falling over.

“Twilight! Twilight are you okay? Come on, say something!”

Hearing Rainbow’s frantic words, I managed to shake off the nausea with sheer panic, and made a hop, skip, and a jump up the stairs to open the future-alicorn’s door. Inside, I saw something that made me want to jump for joy as it put a knife through my heart.

On the bed, Rainbow Dash was cradling Twilight’s shaking body with her wings while the unicorn’s head was resting against the pegasus’s shoulder. Even though her magic still kept her forelegs wrapped around Rainbow’s lower neck, I could tell Twilight was doing her best to return the hug.

It was the first time I saw Twilight look so…young, like a little girl that had just seen the monster in her closet. Sure, I knew on paper she was nearly nineteen years old, but pony society created very different adults than my old one did. And right now, Twilight might as well have been a five-year-old girl that really needed a hug.

“Twilight I’m sorry I called you a fraidy-pony. We can sleep downstairs if you want,” the blue pony said before looking up at me with unshed tears.

“P-Princess Luna, help!” Rainbow-freaking-Dash actually begged as tears started to form in her eyes. “Twilight, she started screaming in her sleep, and I couldn’t wake her up, and-and-”

I trotted forward at Luna’s directing before she started talking softly. “Shhhh Twilight Sparkle. You are within thy bedroom, flanked by friends and as safe as any pony under my protection. You need not fear what may come from a fall,” she said as I put a wing across the terrified pony’s back. “Now, steady thyself, and be the master of thy own heartbeat.”

The extra presence helped, and soon Twilight’s breathing started to become more even. As things started to calm down, I looked around and noticed something was missing. “Uh…where’s Spike?”

Rainbow cleared her throat and blushed. “Uh…Rarity offered to take him tonight. She’s letting the CMC sleep over at her place and…um, do you know who they are?”

“We read Twilight’s reports,” I assured Dash. Although I didn’t know if I ever wanted to actually meet the girls. Not that I didn’t think I could survive their cuteness after taking both Woona and Dinky, but…Tirek caused less collateral damage than those kids!

“And what was that you were going on about earlier?” I asked, not wanting to get into the subject of the three foals. Luna’s job would have us dealing with them soon enough. “With the apologizing.”

That made Rainbow Dash wince. “Right…that,” she admitted with an embarrassed blush. “Me and Twilight had a fight earlier, and…well, we had another one when it was time to go to bed because she didn’t want to climb the stairs, and I called her a scaredy-pony and-and now she-”

“It’s okay Rainbow,” Twilight suddenly spoke up in a dull tone with half-lidded eyes. She nuzzled the pegasus for a few seconds, and sighed. “I’m the one who started it all. The Best Young Fliers Competition isn’t stupid. I shouldn’t have insulted something that was so important to you.”

Instead of indulging in my curiosity, I looked down at the purple unicorn. “How you feeling Twilight?”

The mare in question actually pulled herself closer to Rainbow. “…like an idiot,” she mumbled before burying her head in the pegasus’s shoulder. “I just don’t understand. I know I’m safe here. I know it’s impossible for me to fall with Rainbow here. I’ve even learned the self-levitation spell that Princess sent over via Spike…but I just can’t stop shaking when I’m more than a few feet off the ground. I could barely make it up the stairs. What’s wrong with me Princess Luna?”

This time, Luna didn’t chastise our friend for using her title in private. Twilight had her friend, they were attached at the neck at the moment. What she needed was an all-knowing authority figure to offer comfort and security. “There is nothing complex about it Twilight Sparkle. You are afraid, and fear is the mind killer. It dulls our wits and forces ponies to react more out of instinct than intelligence,” she said before having me move down to nuzzle her. “Do not be ashamed. You suffered a close call, it will take time to recover from such an ordeal.”

“Until then, do you want us to do something?” I asked. “Move the mattress downstairs, maybe?”

Twilight nodded after a few seconds of thought.

Keeping Twilight calm turned out to be more of a chore than the mystical labor that we accomplished through levitation. Then, once the soft part of Twilight’s bed was put on the library floor, we went back for the sheets and remade everything just the way Ms OCD wanted it to be. After that, the girls were back under the sheets, and I was laying down on the floor to talk to them softly.

“Is there anything else you need Twilight?” I asked her gently. “Or you Rainbow?” No need to leave my Dashie out of the request for requests. Just because she wasn’t in a constant state of terror didn’t mean the pegasus wasn’t alright. If we didn’t get them unstuck by the end of tomorrow…no Best Young Flier’s competition.

And honestly, the prospect of that fucking terrified me!

Rainbow waved me off with a wing as she drew in close to Twilight. “I’m good.”

Twilight however, wasn’t. “Can you keep me from falling asleep?” she asked in a whimper.

“No,” Luna told her gently. “But I am more than willing to stay with you through the night to ensure your dreams are peaceful. In fact, we could create a lucid dreamscape for you to safely experience heights again if you wish.”

The prospect of going up high made Twilight pull herself next to Rainbow even more. As for the pegasus, she looked over at Twilight and then back to us. “Uh…what about me?”

I shrugged. Although, I could kind of understand what Dash was asking. Being latched onto Twilight all day meant no flying for her. A lucid dream meant freedom. “Well, I’m sure I could give you a dream of endless skies and-”

“No,” Rainbow cut me off. “What I mean is…uh, can you like…put me inside Twilight’s dream too?”

As Rainbow asked her question, I stayed silent so Luna could answer. Because in truth…I didn’t know if she could. Sure, Luna had done it on the show, but I had no idea just how complex that kind of magic was. I had my limits after all.

But Luna didn’t seem to agree with my doubts. “Yes,” she told them after a few moments.

“Rainbow, why would you-”

Dash snorted at the question before Twilight could even finish. “Pfft! Please! I told you when we were practicing I’d catch you if you fell Twilight,” she said before smirking. “It’s so easy, I can do it in my sleep.”

For my part, I rolled my eyes as Rainbow managed to be both reassuring and an annoying braggart at the same time.

As for Twilight, she actually giggled, and then her face fell. “I’m sorry Rainbow. If it wasn’t for me thinking you could drop me, or lose your grip and casting that spell in a panic, we wouldn’t be like this right now.”

Once again, Rainbow rolled her eyes. “You do remember I went to flight camp with Fluttershy, right?” she asked with a raised eyebrow. “This right here? Every single night for about a month.”

Judging by the confused look on Twilight’s face, I was pretty sure she was referring to something else, but…the purple horse just let it slide before she snuggled up to Rainbow Dash in this sweet but infuriating to the shipping industry way before I covered them both with Luna’s wing while she guided me through casting a shared dream spell.

For the rest of the night, the four of us spent our time around a dreamscape Ponyville, doing pretty much whatever we wanted. And I mean that literally. I think being able to just swim through the air at will helped Twilight with her fears a little, but…she still had a nervous look on her face just glancing down at the ground from the dreamland version of her balcony.

The afternoon after I had helped Twilight get her fear of heights a little under control, I went back to my old post awakening routine. I snagged a light blue unicorn to hug and nuzzle while I waited for my coffee to cool a not-Twilight nerdy unicorn to finish a long winded explanation about how it was going to be impossible to separate Twilight and Dash before the spell ran out of juice without risking damage to the purple unicorn.

So, then came the other options of how we could make sure Dash got to perform in the Best Young Flyers competition…

“Well,” Moondancer said as she held up a chart in her magic with a picture of two ponies and a bunch of math on it that I didn’t quite grasp besides what numbers the symbols meant. “Since simply holding Twilight down with your magic or placing an impediment to her travel back to Rainbow Dash isn’t an option, I’d say the easiest way to get around the problem would be to use a controlled levitation spell on Twilight to make her weightless.”

As I made it look like I was looking over the math, or really just giving Luna a chance to do it, Minuette raised her hoof to block my vision. “But uh…wouldn’t she still create some kind of drag for Rainbow?” she asked before giggling a bit. “Although, seeing Dash do tricks with Twilight stuck in front of her would be pretty funny.”

Luna cleared her throat. “While sound in theory, my gay little Minuette has a point,” she said. “From what I understand, the competition Rainbow wishes to enter is supposed to involve a great deal of activity. I doubt she would be able to win with such a handicap considering her reckless tendencies.”

I managed to console myself with the fact that Luna managed not to flat-out call my little Dashie Rainbow Crash. Otherwise, her royal high-ass would have gotten her picture in the paper tomorrow doing something that would have made her look like a total plot.

But now was not the time for me to be angry at Luna for the things she didn’t do. It was time for me to be miffed at Moondancer for what she couldn’t do. “So…that’s it then?” I asked as the anxiety built in my mind. Rainbow couldn’t miss out on the Best Young Fliers Comp! It would be a crime against pony nature!

“Well…” Moondancer said in that extremely hesitant way that told me there was one other option that I wouldn’t really like. But before I could demand she just spit it out rather than let the suspense kill me, she managed to start talking again. “We could reduce Twilight’s size so that she wouldn’t create a drag, but maintaining that kind of spell would take a lot of power.”

Luna said what I was thinking. “Power that only an alicorn could provide?”

When Moondancer reluctantly nodded, Luna had me roll our eyes and snort. “Such a solution should have been the first offering young Moondancer,” she went on. “Tis true that I was a bit more…aloof in the past, and might have become angry at the suggestion as it is beneath the personal attentions of a princess, but in recent days...I have found that helping ponies provides me a great joy. Besides, as the contest is during daylight hours, tis Nighty’s decision on whether we should attend. And I believe she would be most-”

“Princess Luna! Princess Luna!” a voice came from outside Luna’s bedroom door in a panicked shout.

I looked up to the door with a frown when a brown stallion in palace dress came galloping in. Luna spoke in an exasperated tone. “Oh what is it now?”

“P-Princess Celestia sent me to fetch-I mean,” he corrected when I growled at that. “S-Summon you to the meeting with the buffalo tribe representative!”

The announcement threw my mind off kilter for a second, and I looked over to Sparkler, who had a confused look on her face as she looked through the notepad in front of her. “Uh…that’s not on the schedule,” she said before her eyes widened and she quickly looked up at Luna. “Princess! This isn’t a scheduling error! I promise you, I didn’t know anything about a buffalo meeting.”

Luna was quick to calm the hot pink pony’s fears of job insecurity, then ordered Moondancer to bring her research on the size reduction spell after we were done so that she could ‘walk me through it’ since a princess didn’t need reminders on how to do magic. Since image was everything to a ruler, I didn’t mention the fact that after a thousand years on her own, Luna was probably a bit rusty with the lesser known magics.

With that all taken care of, we headed down the hall, following the nervous messenger. It was one of the few times that I didn’t care how much the scowl on my face frightened a pony. I didn’t know what idiot had decided that Luna needed to be kept out of the loop, but I hoped that it would get back to him just how pissed Nightmare Moon was about it. To help with that, I loomed, a scowled, I sneered, and even snarled a bit every time the messenger looked back at me.

Then, I kicked open the doors to the throne room with my front hoof, and thanks to the distracting question of if it counted as kicking when it was the front hoof since they served as a pony’s hands half the time, the anger I had been so precariously holding onto since it was next to impossible to stay mad at a pony for long went up in smoke. And the annoyance from losing my grip on my anger wasn’t even enough to get it going again.

The throne room was as immaculate as ever with its red carpet and golden everything that wasn’t colored ivory white. Even the damn guards matched the color scheme, and my foreknowledge said it wouldn’t be until shortly before Luna got all the credit for revealing Chrysalis as a Cadance imposter that we would get our gold and light-dark stallions that weren’t even really bluish-black in coat color but were still supposed to represent Luna in the diarchy.

Once I got up to where Celestia was sitting, I could feel she held enough anger for the both of us. And I do mean felt. Although it didn’t show on her face, whenever Tia got really angry, she apparently affected the temperature around her. According to Luna, she even burst into flames when things got really heated.

“Something wrong, Sister?” Luna asked evenly.

Celestia let out a long sigh, and the heat coming from her went down a little. “I’m sorry for this Luna,” she told her sister. “Apparently, some ponies in the castle still haven’t gotten the memo that there are two princess in Equestria now.”

I looked over to the old horse. “And isn’t this a bit early for a meeting with the buffalo? I mean…we just got back from Appleloosa. What’s so big that they had to meet with you all so soon?”

“From what I understand, she came on the transport last night and demanded all morning to see me, only saying that she was the chief, or should I say head representative of her tribe,” Tia told me without her usual motherly demeanor. It was another clue about how pissed she was, although unneeded thanks to the heat. She looked down at the messenger. “You may fetch her now.”

After the stallion bowed and quickly turned to run away, I found my mind in need of something to pay attention to. For a few seconds, I thought to ask if Rarity had decided to stay in the palace for a few days since…well, it was the fucking palace, but with my butt firmly planted on the carpet and me kind of fidgeting around, a new thought came to mind. “Hey Tia…how come Luna doesn’t have her own throne?”

My mouth continued to move on its own accord when I was done talking. “Tis something I have often wondered as of later as well Sister.”

Celestia looked over to us with wide eyes. “Oh Luna, I’m not trying to sidestep you or anything!” she assured the black pony quickly. “It’s just…you know it wouldn’t be just a throne. Well, we could give you just a throne, but let’s be honest with ourselves, it would be a golden throne to go with the rest of the décor. To give you a proper throne, we’d have to redesign the entire palace, then actually go through with implementing the designs and…it’s going to take years Sister.”

I found myself nodding before Celestia went on explaining things in greater detail, which kind of made me agree with her a little more. Despite her charity work and reforms, Luna was still a pretty big outsider in the Equestrian government. Big and quick changes in government always caused more problems than they solved, if they even solved anything at all.

So, in about a year, Luna would begin taking petitioners at the end of the day when Celestia retired for the night. In two years, she would establish her own court that did the exact same thing as she had been doing, but it would be hers instead of just an offshoot of Celestia’s. In three, the castle would finally be renovated to reflect the fact that Luna had returned. Such were the plans of creatures that would be around forever.

In the end, Luna had to park her plot on the carpet as we waited for the big dumb lump of fur that wanted to talk to the sisters for…some reason I couldn’t understand. To be honest, I thought that Celestia had let them off easy after finding out that they tended to butt heads with Equestrian settlements every few generations that ended with the loss of a few pony lives and lots of pony livelihoods before they were driven back and forced to change their traditional route.

Although, I guess Luna getting involved this time made the big white pony change her tactic of not doing anything to solve the long-term problem of another nation that repeatedly performed military actions against another group of creatures they said didn’t belong. But before I could ask Tia just what prompted such a change, the door opened to admit…well…it was a buffalo, but I really doubted it was some bigwig in the tribe.

And I say it because…hell, all buffalo look alike to me. Even the little ones that were about the size of a pony. Which happened to be the size of the one that nervously walked up to the dais where the three of us were sitting. “Um…P-Princesses?”

The voice really helped me ID her though. Being a MLP fan, one of my things was to try and find the particular quadrupeds featured in the show. So while I had been down in Appleloosa, I had of course hunted for the only other buffalo with a name that I had known beforehand.

Little Strongheart was kind of what anyone would expect from a teenager raised in a pretty cloistered society that had just been introduced to new ideas. She respected buffalo traditions, but when those ideas were challenged, she didn’t just bury her head in the sand in an attempt to avoid the argument. As such, she had actually been in the first group to walk out of Celestia’s reservation with the willingness to listen.

Other than that though, I didn’t know all that much about her. To the ponies, Nightmare Moon was a monster that haunted their dreams and showed up once a year to eat foals. But to the buffalo, I was responsible for every storm, drought, disease, stubbed toe and sneeze they experienced in an attempt to stop their migration and bring about eternal night. It made any sort of conversation pretty hard, and after they all had attempted to trample Appleloosa, I didn’t feel like trying all that much to work past the issue.

“Approach,” Celestia ordered in a voice that just screamed ‘I’M PISSED AT YOU’.

LSH gulped, and trotted forward before prostrating herself before the horse goddesses. “P-Princesses…I’m um…I-I’m here on behalf of the buffalo tribe,” she got out before gulping and looking up at us. At least until Celestia frowned even more, then she looked back at the ground.

“Tell us why are you here, and not a new chieftain,” Celestia said in her stern voice that made no buts about the fact that it was an order, not a request.

The little buffalo gulped. “W-We can’t select a new chief until the current one either steps down, or is unable to continue the great stampede,” she said before looking away. “Not that it looks like we’re going to. The rest of the tribe, I mean.”

Celestia raised an eyebrow. “If your tribe has no new leader, then why-” she let out an irritated sigh. “You’re not actually a representative of your tribe, are you? You just said that to get an audience with me.”

All of a sudden, the guards in the room unfurled their wings and crouched a bit, glaring at the buffalo that was in front of them under false pretenses. After all, the defenseless little child in front of them could have been as assassin or something with her complete lack of magic and weaponry! Plus, it was a fight they actually had a chance of winning. With all the marks that were going to be showing up in the loss column pretty soon, another strike in the win side would help Luna stop from downsizing the active military in a few months when the changelings kicked all of their asses.

“I’m sorry I lied!” Little Strongheart blurted out desperately. “But…but…we need your help!”

Since Celestia didn’t look much in the mood for games, and was admittedly perfectly justified in tossing the little girl out on her ass, I leaned in to whisper in the goddess’s ear. “Oh come on Tia, let’s hear her out. It beats another meeting with the council at least.”

The suggestion didn’t seem to make Celestia any more amicable to the buffalo’s presence. “So I should postpone a meeting with the ponies it is my duty to protect in order to address the concerns of a creature not under my rule that has come here under false pretense?”

I sighed and rolled my eyes. “Okay...yeah look, with you being a national leader my official advice for you is to kick her out. She is not your responsibility in any way,” I admitted. “But on a more personal one? At least hear her out. I don’t think you as a pony couldn’t at least not bother to hear another creature’s cries for help. Luna, back me up here, would you?”

There was a short pause as I waited for the Alicorn of the Moon to either help me out, or pull the rug out from under me. Which she probably would, the night goddess was the more active guardian of Equestria after all. And as of a few days ago, the buffalo had affirmed themselves to be the enemies of ponies.

“We might as well, Sister,” Luna finally said, which surprised me just a little before she went on talking. “Besides, your meeting with the council will have to be put on hold anyway. We must journey to Ponyville and assist Twilight Sparkle with her newest problem.”

Celestia studied us for a moment, and then nodded. “Very well,” she said before looking back to the calf. “Despite your duplicity, I will hear your petition little buffalo. What is this problem that your nation now faces which I can solve?”

Once again, it took some time for the reply to come. Little Strongheart slowly got to her feet, hooves, or…whatever, and looked down at the ground clearly thinking about what she was going to say. “W-Why?” she finally asked as she looked up at us with a frown. “Why did you-why did you do it?”

“You’re going to have to be more specific. If you are asking for the reason why I guided ponies to settle that area, Appleloosa sits on the edge of the San Palomino desert, an area of poorly tended earth that had been expanding these past hundred years. An earth pony settlement there, as well as another in the East, keeps it from continuing to spread across Equestria. The area where the ponies settled was the southernmost point where there was still fertile land they could use, and eventually expand thanks to their gift in growing things,” Celestia replied evenly. She wasn’t meaning to soothe, or even explain in a way that helped let the listener understand. It was a simple statement of fact.

Little Strongheart furiously shook her head. “Not that! Why did you have to tell us about our stampeding?” she demanded, apparently having found her inner fire. “We weren’t hurting anyone!”

That actually made Celestia angry. She frowned, and the temperature around her went up a few degrees. “Is that a fact?” the goddess asked rhetorically. “Your belief system blamed my sister for all of its problems. When we approached your chief, he would not even listen to me speak with Luna by my side. Instead, he insulted her and attacked!”

I gulped as the air got all wavy, the way it did when there was so much heat it distorted the area around it. “Uh, Tia?”

She didn’t seem to hear me, and kept speaking. “Over the years, my little ponies have run across your tribe several times, with a few incidents such as the one in Appleloosa occurring every few decades because they didn’t want to adjust their traditional path for a fence, a grove, or whatever else stood in your tribe’s way before they also attacked the settlement that created it. Then I would meet with your elders, and warn them of the consequences should they attack my little ponies again. Your herd would then adjust its path, and a few decades the new trail that the buffalo ran would become their ancient traditional path that had always been run because none of your elders were alive to remember differently.

“But now, things are different,” Celestia went on. “Now my sister has returned to Equestria, and taken her throne. The great evil that all of your kind so despises. So tell me little buffalo, with Luna on the throne, would your tribe just cause a problem every few years, or would they have become continuous aggressors?”

As the Little Strongheart cowered under Celestia’s gaze, I looked over to the princess with trepidation. While I kind of saw things from her point of view, the big alicorn on her throne speaking down to the little bovine creature was just coming off as a bully.

And yeah, she kind of had a right to be angry. I mean, Luna was the one big rage button Celestia had, and the buffalo had apparently been tap dancing on it with the way they made her out to be this ancient spirit of darkness.

Still…Strongheart was a kind-of cute little…thing. I didn’t like seeing her afraid.

“Tia tone it down a bit. I mean, it's not like she did anything. The calf’s only…uh…” I paused and looked back to Strong Heart. “How old are you anyway?”

The little buffalo looked up to me with about as much fear as she had for Celestia, despite my attitude. Or maybe because of it. I was the dark goddess of evil to them after all. Acting cordial could only get me so far.

“I-I’m four, Your Majesty,” she said.

…

…

…

I think my brain actually shut down for a moment there, or whatever I had that passed for a brain I mean. My memories and thought processes were stored separately from Luna’s after all.

But, I had a good reason for just going into a time-out for a few seconds.

Because…four?

SHE WAS FOUR YEARS OLD?

HOW THE FUCK WAS SHE ONLY FOUR YEARS OLD?

Maturity, speech and all that other junk shouted teen at the LEAST! More if you were a Braeburn and Strongheart shipper! If you didn’t want him going to jail for getting it on with a minor I mean.

And…okay, I could accept the fact that some creatures in Equestria might not have human-standardized life spans like the ponies did. It was just foolish to think that every single species on the planet went on for the same amount of time.

But…four?

How older were the elders supposed to be then, twelve?

Hell, it was no wonder their chief was such an idiot. He was probably wasn’t old enough to know you don’t pick fights with creatures bigger than you. In a metaphorical sense I mean.

As I wrestled with that little fact, Celestia kept the conversation going. Because she apparently didn’t seem to care something younger than Dinky was the representative of an entire nation!

“Little Strongheart,” Celestia said in a hard voice. “You came here saying that your tribe needed my help. But then demanded an explanation to my actions. You do not remain within our presence to air your grievances. Tell us what your tribe’s dilemma is, or remove yourself from our presence.”

The order put the buffalo’s head back to looking at the ground. “G-Great Princess Celestia, I’m sorry for…getting distracted,” she said before looking back up at us. “And yes, we do have a problem. Ever since we can remember, all we’ve ever done is run. We don’t know anything else, and now that you took it away from us…we don’t know what to do! The elders, they tell us to keep running from behind your barrier because that’s all they know!

“But you…you’re the oldest creature alive! So you have to know,” she said in a tone that was bordering on pleading. “How did all of this start? What did we do before we stampeded? Tell me what we did then. What we’re supposed to do now!”

For the first time since the buffalo came into the room, Celestia got a little…uneasy looking. “Well...” she said. “As for your question on why your tribe believes they…turn the world… We ponies control the weather, the sun, the moon, and the land responds to our touch to grow all thing from food to flowers. Stacked against that, what achievements can the buffalo claim?

“But if it was your tribe and not I that was responsible for the movement of the heavens, then everything ponykind had would have been at your behest,” she finished. “The idea kept you all content, so I saw no reason to show you otherwise until the other day, when your beliefs became a source of hatred and reason for violence on what would be a grand scale.”

Strongheart nodded. “Okay…but, what did we do before then?”

For the first time since the meeting began, Luna actually took control of her mouth to speak. “Such information is not for your ears young one,” she told the buffalo.

I revoked Luna’s speaking privileges a second later. “Whoa, whoa hold on a second!” I said while trying to look around at myself, really wishing I had mirror so I could glare at Luna. “What do you mean it’s not for her ears? If you guys know something about buffalo history, I’M THINKING THEY HAVE A RIGHT TO HEAR IT!”

“Nighty,” Celestia said in warning tone. “There are some things the creatures of this world are not meant to know. And that it one of them. It never ends well.” She looked back to the buffalo. “As for the purpose of your tribe little one…that is for all of you to discover together.”

Before Celestia could get going on whatever speech she had up her proverbial sleeve, I stomped Luna’s hoof into the ground hard enough to get her attention. “Hey! We’re not done here Celestia!” I told her. “And your argument is a bunch of horse apples! A society needs to know where it’s been to know where it’s going!”

Tia looked at me with a reserved expression for a few seconds, and then shifted her gaze over to Strongheart, then back to me. “You’re not going to drop this, even if she leaves, are you?”

“No,” I said evenly.

She looked back to the buffalo. “And you Little Strongheart? Do you really want to know the answer to your question, knowing that it will not be pleasant? Knowing that every other creature on this world who has learned of it has wished they hadn’t?”

That was something I hadn’t expected, and actually made me frown with hesitation. Just what the hell was so bad about Tia telling the buffalo what her ancestors did before ponies were around their part of the world?

“I…yes,” she finally said. “This is what I came here for, so…yes. Tell me what I want to know.”

“Then come with me,” Celestia said before she got up from her throne and walked down the steps leading up to it. “The answer you ask for cannot be told. To truly understand, you have to see it for yourself.”

As I followed Celestia down the hallways of Canterlot Castle, I found myself a little disappointed that we weren’t going to some hidden chamber of sects that was locked away in the back of the castle. In fact, five minutes into our trip, I had a pretty good guess when it came to our destination.

So to get my mind off my disappointment, I looked down to the buffalo that was walking around with us. At least she could fill in some holes for me. “So uh…you’re only four years old?” I asked.

Strongheart looked up at me as if I had said I just noticed the sky was blue. “Yes. I turned four one season ago.”

“Then…how old is your chief?”

Still wearing a face that said I was some kind of idiot, Strongheart answered my question. “Sixteen.”

“The uh…elders?”

“Most of them are eighteen, but Elder Strong Will is twenty,” she said. “But he’s getting so slow, the herd will have to leave him behind if-well…I guess we don’t have to do that anymore. Not that he’ll be able to leave Princess Celestia’s cage.”

I had to fight to keep from falling over at that bit of information. There must have been a miscommunication somewhere. What I heard couldn’t have been accurate. “Are you telling me the oldest member of your tribe, or your whole species if just twenty years old?!”

How the hell did they even survive as a civilization? I mean…RAINBOW DASH WAS TWENTY YEARS OLD! It would have been like an entire society run by Rainbow Dashes. It…it just wasn’t possible!

Little Strongheart cowered from my question and actually ran to the other side of the hallway. “W-Why are you so angry?”

“Forgive Nighty little one,” Luna told her gently. “She has recently suffered a loss of memory, and does not know things that are common knowledge to most. And for your information my other, buffalo rarely live past the age of eighteen.”

I just lowered my head and shook it at the realization. A stupid animal living for just two decades, I could get. But a sapient creature? That just… Hell, that wasn’t even enough time for humans to legally drink!

And with the morbid place that got my thoughts going, I just had to ask, “So…what happens when a buffalo gets too old to run? Or gets sick, or gets a broken leg or…wait.” I groaned. They blamed all that on Nightmare Moon. “Never mind, I’m not sure I want to know.”

The hides from those tepees had to come from somewhere after all…

And I really wished I hadn’t thought of that.

We made the rest of the trip in silence.

The place we ended up at was Celestia’s science lab, or maybe alchemy lab would be more precise. Sure the big pony had beakers and test tubes, but a most of the stuff the things she made had effect science just couldn’t explain or duplicate. I don’t care how much aphrodisiac someone drank, it did not make a guy say words like shmoopy-doo.

Tia’s real lab made the one she had in her back room look like a kid’s chemistry set. There was wall to wall potions, ingredients, vials, tubes, Bunsen burners, and even some things that were still moving inside their jars. Thankfully, Celestia had most of the junk behind wards that not even a jackhammer could get through.

Both me and the buffalo waited while she looked around for a bit, and then took out a good-sized bottle full of some kind of milky white liquid. “Wait a second,” I mumbled to myself as I remembered a certain rhyming zebra giving something similar to Twilight about four seasons from now. “It’s that one of those flashback potions?”

“An odd name,” Luna said to answer my question. “But, yes, it is an elixir of days gone by. With it, the child will be shown what happened in the past as an answer to her question.”

Celestia came forward with the drink held in her magic. “This is your last chance to turn away little one,” she said evenly. “Once you embark on this journey, it will not stop until the truth is revealed to you. A truth you will find no comfort in.”

The buffalo gulped, but nodded. “I understand.”

“You must drink it all to look back as far as you wish to see.” Celestia lowered the container for the kid to take a swig, and then a gulp, followed by several seconds of chugging. When the last drop was finally gone, the buffalo stepped back, and her eyes became covered by a soft white glow.

As Little Strongheart’s face became filled with curiosity, and then wonder, I looked over to the princess. “Hey Tia. I know how this thing’s supposed to work and all, but…what exactly is she seeing?”

“You do not know?” Luna asked me. “I had thought your mind retained such information Nightmare.”

I groaned as my sarcasm reflex was triggered. “Yeah, that’s why I took such an interest in pony history,” I told Luna in a deadpan voice. “Because I know everything that’s ever happened, everywhere.”

Before my landlord could take offense, Celestia spoke up. “The events she is witnessing are the same ones that Luna and I were shown by our mother before her passing.”

The mention of Fausticorn, or whatever the hell Luna and Celestia’s mom was, made me just tense up. Despite all the time I had spent with the goddesses, I had never asked them about that because...hell, I’m not sure I wanted to know. “Uh…what events are those?” I asked cautiously.

“When ponykind first came to this land to plant the Seed of Harmony and give life to this world,” she explained in her usual voice. “Of course, that was back before the upheaval, when the only ponies that existed were alicorns.”

My mouth dropped as Tia closed hers…apparently finished dropping her little badly explained bombshell of the origins of ponykind. I actually waited for a few seconds before she would go on, and when she didn’t I flared my wings out in frustration over the worst history lesson EVER!

“You can’t just stop there!” I yelled at her. “What do you mean one tribe? Ponies were all alicorns to start with? How did that change? What’s the Seed of Harmony? And what’s all that junk about coming here to this world?” The way Celestia talked, it sounded like the ponies were freaking aliens or something!

Luna stopped me before I could keep going. “I thought you knew of the Tree of Harmony,” she said.

I rolled Luna’s eyes. “Uh yeah Lulu! You know I do.” That was one conversation I could remember having.

“Well, where do trees come from?” she asked in that smarmy way, and then went on without giving me time to provide the obvious answer. “With it’s power, our precursors spread life across the land, ignited the sun, and created the moon to help control the tides. And once the world was lush and green for our ancestors, they brought about new life to play and frolic with in the skies, seas and fields.”

Although a little more in-depth than Celestia’s explanation…all Luna’s help did was raise more questions! If all the ponies were alicorns at one point in history, what the hell had happened to change that? Was everything on the fucking planet bio-engineered by a nearly-dead race of talking, flying, magical ponies? If the Tree of Harmony was the source of all life on Equis, would all life on the planet just die if the plunder vines weren’t stopped?

As I tried to wrap my head around everything they had just told me, the little buffalo blinked her eyes a few times, her face turning to horror as the vision ended, and she looked up at the three of us with wide eyes. “You mean…we…the buffalo…we…we’re just a bunch of…TOYS?”

Celestia sighed and looked over to me with a frown. “Now do you see why do not like sharing this information?” she asked before turning her attention to Little Strong Heart. “And I’d say your kind and many others were more akin to pets.”

Brunch was…quiet. The kind of quiet it that really made me appreciate the size of the dining hall. Which was too big by the way. Much too big, with windows that were too big, and ceilings that were too high, and a table that was too long. I mean, we were sitting at a rectangular table big enough to fit, like…twenty. A square table would have been better. It still would have been able to seat me, Tia, the buffalo that had just kind of followed us along after learning her entire species were created to be glorified dogs, and Cadance. Cadance had shown up for brunch, but I wasn’t about to burden my best friend with all the heavy shit that was on my mind.

And focusing on the sizing of the dining room didn’t stop me from thinking about it for long, like I had been doing the whole way to brunch.

Despite the fact that Tia and Lulu were being about as vague as could be on…well, EVERYTHING. The fact that ponies had always been on Equis instead of evolving naturally or something did answer a few questions in the back of my mind, like how in the hell did the planet survive before ponies came around if it relied on them to move the sun and the moon.

It also helped me understand Celestia’s position in regards to non-ponies a bit better too, and her…near-callousness towards them. To her, everything on the planet aside from ponies might as well have been a stray dog. Sure, they were talking dogs that could do some interesting tricks, but Fluttershy had a book club of non-speaking animals for crying out loud! When you’re born into a world where everything is smart enough to read, it kind of detracts from the idea that sapient species are precious.

So what if a creature could talk? Hell, Angel was a better friend to the ponies than half of the buffalo tribe had been.

I wondered if that was why the sheep and the cows were so willing to accept places at a farm rather than build their own society. Was there some sort of drive to just sit around and do nothing encoded in their DNA, like some kind of non-pony invisible cutie mark? Were they even meant to be pets at all instead of providers of a natural resource?

And what about the ponies? If alicorns had basically made the planet and everything on it, shouldn’t there have been a hell of a lot more of them? Equestria might have extended across a good part of a continent, but that made things seem a little underpopulated when it came to a race that bioengineered everything with magic. Especially when the story of Hearth's Warming was thrown into the mix. Ponies hadn’t been anywhere near as numerous as they were beforehand so…had Celestia and Luna’s ancestors suffered some kind of near-extinction level event in the past?

Asking either of the old alicorns was an option, I guess. But…

Before I could think any more on the subject, Cadance spoke up. “So, Little Strongheart, was it? Are you feeling okay? You haven’t touched your food.”

“Huh?” she said looking over to the pink alicorn in surprise, then back down to the bowl of sliced apples in front of her, already peeled of course. Nothing but the most opulent for the palace. “Oh it’s just…I was wondering if I should eat this. Only the elders were ever allowed to eat anything but food made from grass.”

I winced as Cadance visibly tried not to blench. I’ll admit, my curiosity on the subject of why ponies never actually ate grass had me trying to do that once out of sheer curiosity since she wouldn‘t even touch hay. Emphasis on tried. Luna had slammed our head into the ground when I tried to take a bite and threatened to tell the girls I was slipping back into my evil ways if I kept it up.

As for Cadance, her horn lit up as she shoved the bowl right under the buffalo’s nose. “Then trust me, you’re in for a treat,” she said before looking over to the big white alicorn sitting across from her. “They only eat grass?”

“Well their entire nation does do nothing but run from sunup to sundown,” I said from my place next to Celestia. Foraging societies weren’t high on the whole development when it came to…pretty much anything.

For some reason, Cadance actually smiled a little at that. “Oh! Well then, you must see a lot of interesting things. I’ve never been south of Equestria’s borders. What’s the land like down there.”

Strongheart looked away from the other princess as Cadance centered her attention on her. “It’s…very dry. Not much else besides grass. There are some forests and swamps, but…the elders say that such places are to be avoided.”

The information made the pink pony a little crestfallen, and Celestia spoke up when Cadance looked back to her own plate of greenery. “You forget that Equestria can only send weather to the south by itself my niece. Nor can we monitor how well the rain we send feeds the lands. Still, it is better than the lands the centaurs rule. They do not allow ponies to help them there at all.”

A second later, the little buffalo took a bite from an apple, and froze. “This…this is amazing!” she said with a mouth that was nearly full, some of her food escaping as she did.

I looked at her askance for a second, and then remembered. Right…she’s only four years old. And considering the age of their chief, I was starting to think that him making the buffalo abandon maybe a century of tradition just for an apple pie wasn’t all that unbelievable anymore.

Ugh…that was still hard to believe.

Okay sure, thirteen was considered an adult way back in human times too, and most guys didn’t make it over thirty five back then, but…to see an entire species with such a short lifespan…maybe that was why the cows and sheep were content to just sit around and do nothing. It would take too long to learn how to run a civilization of their own.

Kind of made me wonder how long the griffons and diamond dogs lived though. I’d have to ask a princess about it later.

I frowned at looked over to Tia, clearing my mind about all those age questions, I focused on something she had just said a minute ago. “Wait a minute, that’s how they get rain down south. The pegasi just…kick it and hope it hits some crops or something before all the water runs out?”

Celestia sighed and looked over to me. “We simply do not have the resources to send weather that far south without putting several ponies in grave danger,” she explained. “Where did you think most of Moondancer’s buffalo research came from Nighty? I have attempted to send expeditions beyond our borders to get a clear picture of what the land is like, but finding safe routes is much too costly in pony lives.”

“Umm, Auntie,” Cadance spoke up. “Don’t the buffalo come from south of our borders though? They must know the areas that need to be avoided, right?”

Celestia blinked, and then the three of us looked over to the buffalo sitting across from us very slowly.

The buffalo looked up from her empty bowl of apples with a mouth full of food.

In the end, we sent Cadance down south with Little Strongheart to negotiate a…well, I guess it would have to be called a weather shipping agreement. The buffalo would act as guides, and a lot of pegasi that were in the royal guard would be granted continued employment. Even though the lands to the south weren’t part of Equestria, Tia didn’t want to see them just dry up and die. There was apparently a lot of stuff that lived down south on…what I guess was some kind of savanna or something.

It would be awhile before all the details could get hammered out, but it was better than nothing I supposed.

As for me and Tia, we hopped the train to Ponyville with Moondancer and the rest of my entourage. There was no way I was leaving my ponies back home incase some big emergency came up and I hand to stay away from Canterlot for an extended period again.

Part of me wanted to start demanding answers about the history of pony from Celestia and Luna as soon as we were away from Canterlot, but…my mind kept drifting back to the buffalo. With the extra piece of the puzzle Strongheart had provided, my rational mind found itself working something out as we reached the little hamlet.

“Overgrazing,” I said to myself over the rumbling of the train on the tracks.

Celestia looked up from her tea, something I had noticed her drinking more and more ever since she went on her diet. “Pardon?”

The question made me look up at the princess. “Sorry, I was just thinking out loud.”

“About what?” she asked.

“The buffalo. Sorry, to poke holes in your idea Celestia, but…” I paused as I tried to think of a nice way to say this. “The reason for their migration. I think it was to prevent them from eating up all the grass in a single area. They may have come up with that whole ‘we turn the earth on the wheel’ or something, but…early on, at least some of them had to have realized that if they stayed in an area with little rain for too long, they would have eaten all the grass to the point where it couldn't grow back. So, they kept everyone moving and foraging for food.”

Celestia nodded. “Hmm, an interesting theory,” she said after a sip from her cup. “I would suppose that was why they came up north so much as well. Even though they do not tend it as well as the more valued crops, grass does grow better around towns with a sizable earth pony population.”

The screech of the train’s brakes brought an end to our conversation, and Tia just made her stuff disappear in a flash of magic. We made our way out of the train, and only had to endure a little bowing from a surprised crowd of ponies that had no idea we were coming.

After telling everyone to get up, I set my girls off to meet with their friend Lyra and told Sparkler to go home, then we alicorns headed to Golden Oaks with our Twilight recolor in tow to carry the books. Celestia knocked on the door, and we found a little purple lizard waiting for us on the inside. “Ah, Spike is Twilight in? We have a workaround for her and Rainbow Dash’s problem.”

“Oh thank Celesti-uh…” he said before stopping and staring up at the alicorn nervously.

Tia giggled. “Well, Moondancer is the one who deserves the credit. She was the one that came up with the idea after finding the spells. We’re just here to cast them. Now, would you be a dear and announce us?”

“R-Right away!” Spike replied before he dashed off to start calling out the names of the two ponies while Celestia and I ducked into the library to gain admittance.

It took a few minutes for the dragon to fetch the mares. Not that he couldn’t find them or anything. That excuse would have to wait a year for when Twilight got her eyesore of a castle. But…well…they were kind of peeved at him for breaking in on them in the bathroom. With the two of them the way they were, Twilight had to apparently work out a whole new system to…you know.

I busied myself with looking at all the books in the library, and taking note of the missing mattress that had been in the middle of the floor the night before as I did. It was kind of disturbing just how many pony books bore a striking resemblance to human literature. They even had a pony version of A Song of Ice and Fire for crying out loud!

When the two girls finally appeared, Celestia stepped forward to speak. “Twilight, good news. We think we have a way to allow Rainbow Dash to participate in her competition.”

Both of the ponies got the brightest smiles I had seen in forever. “You mean you’ve found a counter to my attraction spell?” Twilight asked happily.

“Yes-gahk!” Rainbow added as she tried to jump into the air, and got held down by Twilight’s gentle chokehold.

The purple unicorn winced. “Sorry.”

Rainbow let out a garbled reply, but it kind of sounded like, “S’allright.”

“Well…no,” Tia told her with a nervous expression. Then, she looked over to the unicorn with the weird hair in the sweater. “Moondancer, if you would explain?”

Which kind of turned out to be a bad idea, because Moony decided to speak to Twilight in Nerdese. I caught a word every now and then, but by the time she was done, both me and Rainbow were tilting our heads in confusion while Twilight looked…absolutely terrified. Her legs shook, and if it wasn’t for Dash holding her up, I think she would have been huddling on the ground in fear.

“Twilight?” Luna asked.

The little unicorn looked over to us in fear. “I…I have to go to Cloudsdale?”

“Say what?” Rainbow asked, which prompted a much more understandable explanation from the little purple unicorn. Being with Dash for so long had obviously made her fluent in idiot, an impressive feat for a genius.

When she was done, Rainbow Dash just blinked, and slumped her ears. “Oh. That’s uh…are you sure you can’t just suck it up and-” she said before Twilight let out a little whine, cutting her off.

I stepped in to save the day. “Twilight, you’d be perfectly safe,” I assured her. “We could…uh, put a shield around you to protect you, and-sleep! I could put you to sleep, and make sure your dreams are-”

“No.” Strangely enough, the word didn’t come from Twilight, or Celestia, or off-color Twilight…and I think Spike ran off to go see Rarity or something, because he was just gone.

So I looked over to the pony with the unicorn attached to her neck. “Rainbow?”

Dash sighed and shook her head. “If Twilight feels that bad about going up there, then…no. I…it’s…it’s just a...stupid contest,” she said forcing the final words out as her ears dipped.

“What?” Twilight exclaimed before she picked herself back up. “Rainbow, I didn’t-I mean.” She looked over to us. “Okay, never mind what I said. I can…I…we can…”

Her legs began to shake again.

The pegasus let out a groan. “Geeze! you can’t even lie about feeling okay,” she said in an annoyed tone before looking back to the rest of us. “And if Twilight isn’t okay with going up, then…then we don’t have to go. So…sorry to make you come all this way for nothing, or…whatever.”

I wanted to call it a noble sacrifice , but…it was pretty obvious Rainbow was pretty pissed about the whole thing. The idea of postponing it came to mind, but…I had no idea if we could even do that. More than likely, it would cause one hell of a logistical nightmare.

“Rainbow,” Twilight said. “I can-”

“Would you cut it out already?” the pegasus snapped at the unicorn before she looked away. “Ugh…sorry.”

Before the two of them to get into it again, Celestia cleared her throat, making both of the ponies look to her. “Are the two of you certain of this, then?”

Twilight shook her head. “No! Princess, I can…I-I can go,” her mouth said while the rest of her body told us she most definitely could not.

The other pony groaned. “Oh come on! You can’t even say it without shaking!” Rainbow shouted at Twilight before she looked back to Celestia, and rubbed her forehead when the unicorn flinched away from her as much as she could. “It’s…it’s fine. I mean, I already did the Rainboom. I know I’m good. I don’t need another stupid trophy to tell me so. And…I can always meet the Wonderbolts…later.”

Hell, even if Rainbow had said yes, I don’t think Celestia would have let them do it anyway.

“Interesting,” Celestia said after looking over the two of them for a moment, making the shorter ponies blink. “A friend that is willing to face what she fears the most for the happiness of another, and a friend who is willing to throw away what she wants the most for the comfort of another. I expect quite the interesting report from the two of you when this attraction spell finally runs its course.”

“The two of us?” Twilight repeated.

“Oh, and Rainbow Dash,” Celestia went on, addressing the blue pony directly. “I know that you're feeling down right now, and this does not come with the fame of the competition, but from what I can tell…any pegasus that is able to pull off a feat only I have been able to do since Equestria’s founding truly is the greatest flier in all of Equestria. Not just today, but in all of its history.”

That seemed to cheer Dash up a little. She smiled just a little, and nodded her head. “Thanks, Princess.”

We stayed for a little while longer, making sure Twilight and Rainbow were okay enough with their living arrangements as we sent Moondancer off to say hello to the rest of her friends. And I made a mental note to check up on the two of them until the attraction spell ran its course. Not to mention make sure Rainbow was sleeping okay. Noble or not, giving up on her trip to the competition had put the pegasus in a really bad mood.

Once we were done at the library, Tia and I went around Ponyville to say hi to everyone and deal with any complaints the citizenry had when it came to how Celestia was running the government. It took us nearly the rest of the day.

When we got back onto the train, sans escort of friends that decided to stay in Ponyville for a ‘Canterlot Friends Slumber Party’ or something, I looked over to Celestia. “So…about this potion that lets me look into Equestria’s past.”

Author's Note

Probably some typos and a bunch of other stuff that needs to be fixed when I go back to edit it, but made my thanksgiving deadline.

I Am Not a Dog Pony

My attempts at discovering the hidden history of Equestria quickly hit a snag when we got back to Canterlot. Tia didn’t have any more flashback potion handy, and the stuff to make it only bloomed about three times a year. She kept one dose of the stuff on hand for emergencies, but didn’t hoard it like a responsible magical princess that would have been faced with someone like me should have done.

I thought about going to Zecora for hers, but…decided to keep that as plan B. After all, I could always just do the easy thing and ask the princesses what happened like a sane and rational person would.

Two hellish weeks that were full of aggravating days and terrifying nights later, I had come to a conclusion: getting answers from alicorns was worse than pulling teeth. Not little baby teeth that are ready to come out either. I’m talking about good teeth. The ones with all the roots still intact. It made me sympathize a bit with every single student Celestia had ever taught in her impossibly long life.

And it wasn’t that I didn’t try to get an answer out of the girls, it was kind of like, well…

“Okay so,” I said as I tried to think of how to start this conversation while Celestia looked over her mountain of paperwork that had built up during her absence. Half a mountain anyway. The desk it all sat on made the stacks look higher than they actually were. “The alicorns created everything living on the planet today.”

Celestia looked up from her papers. “Well, except for the abominations that the draconequus made when they arrived,” she said before grabbing a new form with her magic and signing it so quickly I had to wonder if she even read the thing.

“Oh please sister,” Luna grumbled in a way that told me this was another sore point between them. “We both saw they didn’t actually make anything. They just took different species that our ancestors had previously crafted and smashed them together to make something…wrong.”

A chuckle came from Celestia’s mouth. “I don’t know, the griffons weren’t as bad once we made that statue for their king to show off.”

Before Luna could continue to steer us off course, I reared up and brought new side trip down memory lane to a halt. “Whoa, whoa whoa time out! What do you mean the draconequus? What does Discord have to do with anything?”

Celestia gave me a confused frown. “Discord? He didn’t remake anything. His egg wasn’t even laid until our mother did away with his father. The blasted creature barely even spit it out in time before she ended him.”

“But all the other draconequus did ruin so many of our forbearers creations,” Luna grumbled. “Combining them into such terrible things like chimera, hydras, dragons-”

“Manticores,” Celestia added helpfully.

Luna let out an indignant sniff. “Manticores are noble and majestic creatures!”

Looking up from her paperwork, Celestia frowned at her sister. “You’re just saying that because you had that one as a pet back in the day.”

“Says the pony with the flaming bird!” Luna shot back. “Nighty! Point my hoof at her in an accusing manner!”

And thus, the first of several history lessons that would last many trying days ended as I worked to find out just how the hell things had gotten the way they were. Over a week later, I kind of wished I had kept my curiosity to myself.

As for what I learned…

Once upon a time, the alicorns didn’t live in Equestria. I don’t actually knew where they came from originally, because neither of the sisters bothered to find that out for themselves. And since they were my only real source of information until I could bug Tia into making another flashback potion, I was stuck with a half-complete origin story.

But anyway…

The alicorn herd traveled through space, or maybe across dimensions (Lulu and Tia weren’t really clear on that, and with Luna’s magic that moved whole stars however she wanted to arrange them, I obviously wasn’t dealing with the rules of my old reality anymore) until they came to Equestria. Not sure why they settled where they did either. But when they did show up, they planted the Tree of Harmony, and went about populating the planet with all the little critters and such. Some of them even got the bright idea to give some of these animals the ability to speak, but that was pretty much it. It was one thing to teach a dog to tell its master what it was thinking, but giving it the ability to use magic capable of putting it above its master was another thing altogether.

Although, not that every creature was without magic. The diamond dogs could do stuff like ‘swim’ through the earth, and breezies could use magic to keep flowers fresh all year round. But aside from powers that made them glorified landscaping artists, there really wasn’t much non-alicorns could do.

Still, it was a time of happiness and harmony and junk. The alicorns apparently took good care of their pets, and everybody got along as they ran and frolicked in the grass. Even the magical ponies didn’t bother to create a civilization back then, and just lived outdoors with everything else.

Then, the draconequus showed up. Neither of the girls were clear on the numbers, but there were definitely a civilization’s worth of them, all come to…well, Celestia and Luna said with their chaotic nature being the antithesis of the alicorns, they decided to dick with the quadrupeds by messing with their stuff.

They slapped different animals together and mutated others into monsters. Neither of the girls could give me an answer as to why they did that, or other things like turning the floor into actual lava when they wanted to play with their creations though.

Naturally, the alicorns didn’t much like their sapient pets being knocked off by invading aliens as some kind of joke. So, the alicorn-draconequus war began. Although the mismatch magic users were more powerful one-on-one, alicorns could combine their magic to overpower the chaos creatures while the magic of Discord’s ancestors resisted working together in such a combined effort.

Eventually, the draconequus race struck at the Tree of Harmony, with most of their kind joining in on an assault. The alicorns struck back with the magic of the Tree itself. The resulting battle had two lasting effects: the first was the lingering magic of the Everfree Forest with the way it did things the way it wanted to, and the second was a disease or something that damaged the pony population. This only became apparent years later, when alicorns started having kids with only a horn, a pair of wings, or just earth pony strength instead of all three.

Although when I asked about where the zebras fit in, the princesses said both zebras and donkeys were ‘a bit more complicated’ in their origins than that. But didn’t go into details.

The draconequus didn’t escape uninjured either. In fact, they didn’t escape at all. Luna and Celestia weren’t big on the details, but…it sounded like most of the draconequus species didn’t survive that battle. As for the rest, an alicorn was selected to carry most of the ponies’ remaining magic to hunt down the surviving draconequus to ensure what was left of ponykind would live in peace. It was an alicorn that was smart enough to figure out how to use the Tree of Harmony many years later to fix whatever damages had been done to her genetic code so she could make two more naturally-born alicorns before she died from a combination of wounds and age.

I don’t actually know of she was named Faust or not. Luna didn’t really remember her all that well and Tia…well, a woman’s dead mother is not a good topic for conversation. But Celestia said she did have a white coat, so…I took that as confirmation that Fausticorn had lived at one time or another.

Of course, the need for Equestrian history wasn’t the only thing I had taken away from the buffalo incident…

“Okay see, here’s the thing,” I said to the perpetrator as he looked back up at me with big brown eyes while we stood in Luna’s bedroom. “I know you’re…somewhat intelligent. I know you can at least understand me. SO WHEN I SAY THAT LUNA’S CROWN IS NOT A CHEW TOY, I EXPECT YOU TO KEEP YOUR TEETH OFF OF IT!”

The newspaper I had in my magic rolled up and drew Ace’s attention away from the silver tiara I had taken away from him moments ago. “Bad dog!” I yelled before giving him a few swats to get the point across. “No. Eating. Luna’s. Jewelry!”

A second after I was done, the non-pony quadruped scampered past my girls and out the door. I lifted my landlord’s crown in her magic with a grimace. There was almost a comical amount of slobber on the thing. Never before had I been so happy to have telekinesis.

Ugh, now I know what it feels like to be Peter Griffin, thought to myself while I considered changing Ace’s name to Brian. Smart enough to communicate, but still stupid enough to chase cars.

“Send it to be cleaned and the teeth marks removed…again,” I said to Twinkleshine before passing it over to the cream colored pony. Then I looked over to Sparkler. “And have the chef put our lunch in a-uh, food carrying container. I’m going to Ponyville.”

I needed a good pick-me-up, and Rarity should have been done with my dress by now. Me and Tia fighting had caused some delays since she sent the basic designs to us after every little change for approval, but the Gala was still weeks away, so we stressed that she didn’t have to rush. Plus, it had been awhile since I had seen Pinkie Pie. Pinkie was always fun to hang out with. And I needed something to take my mind of the fact that Moondancer STILL hadn’t found Sunset’s journal.

Just how long did it take a nerd to look through every single book in Equestria and find the one I needed?

Okay, it would have gone a lot smoother if she actually knew what she was looking for, but…that would have tipped my hand. Sure, Sunset was suffering the horrible fate that was high school, but I wasn’t about to out myself as something other than a pony-possessing life form with too much foreknowledge on her hooves.

With my minions ordered around for the morning, I trotted out the door and down the halls, turning this way and that on my way to the kitchens. But, before I could make my escape, a pink pony princess stumbled across my path, about as surprised to see me as I was to see her. “Cadance,” I said to the princess. I had known she had gotten back from working out a deal with the buffalo about two days ago because Luna had to sign the papers with Celestia. But I had thought she would have still been in bed…with Shining Armor.

She smiled back at me. “Luna, Nighty! What are you two doing?”

Before I could BS my way around saying that I was ditching her and Tia to go see the girls, Luna answered the question for me. “We are traveling to Ponyville to see our friends.”

Cadance let out a little giggle and put on a smile. “Great minds think alike, huh?” she said before motioning for me to follow her. “Come on, we’ll take the chariots.”

I blinked at the odd addition to our group, but...shrugged it off a moment later. The more the merrier. "Fine. But I need to get some food first."

Despite all of my experience in MLP, one thing I had never seen was a pony using a friend for was a sympathetic ear. Cadance broke that trend on the skyway to Ponyville. From the sound of things, entering into talks with a species whose leaders were still in their teens, combined with a stubbornness that seemed to be a genetic trait shared by all of the tribe had made Cadance need to share her displeasure of the event with anyone who would listen.

And like any good friend, I completely blocked her out while nodding my head at the appropriate times to make it seem like I was listening. That way, she got to experience the joy’s of a sympathetic ear, and I didn’t have to endure her whining.

Or…whinnying, I guess.

Thus, the two of us made it to Ponyville, feeling a bit better than when we had left Canterlot. Cadance, feeling a little better she had gotten something off her chest. And me, who didn’t have to endure it.

For what seemed like the first time since I became a pony, there was absolutely nothing wrong with the town when we got to Ponyville. No giant storm clouds, no invading insects after a poisoned grain silo that I had talked Luna into installing, no Rainboom that led to the classic problem of two friends being stuck together. Something Twilight was still recovering from, unfortunately.

But that was something to be solved with several more nights of dream therapy as me and Luna got Twilight used to looking down at high places from the safety of the unconscious world. A tactic that seemed to be working. Plus, it let me hang out with Twilight every night and see her act all cute as she hung on to Woona like a living Smarty Pants doll for an added feeling of safety. All of which she was sworn never to reveal, of course.

Once Cadance, Luna and I landed and made it past the throng of adoring ponies that kissed the ground we were about to walk on, we found the girls quickly enough. They were all hanging out in front of Sugarcube Corner, chatting happy until the three of us came trotting over. At least, they were until Cadance and I showed up, then we were greeted by even more respectful bows.

The sight of them putting their faces in the dirt made me frown. “Ugh. Girls I swear, the next time you do that outside of the throne room, I am going to freeze you like that, lift all of your tails, and take a picture to use as blackmail,” I threatened my friends. The Canterlot Clique, I could stand prostrating themselves before Luna. The Mane Six bowed to nobody.

“Nighty!” Luna scolded me. “Friends they may be, but within a public venue, proper etiquette must be maintained!”

From her place beside us, I saw Cadance give Luna, or maybe it was me, a raised eyebrow before she shook her head. “Not getting into this one,” she said before looking over to the girls. “So Twilight, how’ve you been?”

The purple unicorn gave Cadance an uneasy smile. “Getting better, thanks to Princess Luna.”

“She can get a whole ten feet off the ground without wetting herself!” Rainbow Dash bragged.

It had the expected reaction from the rest of the girls…

“Rainbow!” Twilight shrieked.

Pinkie Pie let out a snort of laughter.

Applejack groaned. “Ugh. That pony just ain’t right.”

Fluttershy blushed and looked away.

And Rarity…

“Wait,” I mumbled before looking around. The prissy unicorn was not to be found. “Where’s Rarity? You girls waiting for her or something?” I would have explained why they were just standing outside the bakery rather than inside eating. Was Rarity doing a fashionably late thing?

With Applejack and Twilight too busy glaring at Dash to answer, Pinkie Pie stepped forward. “Nah. Rarity had to take Spike and go gem hunting. She told me she got this really big order that’s going to take about a thousand gems to make when she came in for breakfast this morning.”

I sighed at the news. It didn’t look like I was going to be able to get a peek at my dress after all. Well, a sanctioned peek anyway. I really doubted Rarity had any kind of mystical security system that could stop Luna’s magic if we really wanted to get in. But…that probably would have counted as an invasion of privacy or something, seeing her workspace without permission.

Friendship could forgive breaking and entering, but an invasion of privacy? She’d never forgive me. Ponies were weird like that.

“So…what do you girls have planned for today?” I asked hopefully. Other than seeing the girls, I hadn’t really had anything in mind myself. It was just one of those spur of the moment things princess possessing entities do when they’re feeling the lack of friends.

Twilight waved off the question with a hoof. “Oh, we didn’t make any plans. We were just meeting up for lunch. My shift starts at one. You’d be surprised how many ponies buy coffee after they eat a big meal to avoid the lethargic tendencies that usually follow,” she said before frowning thoughtfully. “Maybe I should do a study on it.”

I cocked my head at the news of Twilight’s plans. She had a shift at Starbucks to cover. Wasn’t she supposed to be done working there like…a week ago?

“Ah gotta get back to the farm,” Applejack said. “Course, if you’re willing, we’re always happy for some extra help, Princess.”

As I didn’t want Luna to smack Applejack upside the head for asking a royal alicorn if she wanted to slum it and indulge in menial labor, even if Lulu and Tia had apparently done plenty of farming in their day, I quickly looked over to Fluttershy. “So…need some help with your animal friends?”

Her house may have smelled like a zoo, but it beat…well, tied with Applejack’s idea of a good time. Even knowing that ponies were kind of mentally geared towards using their talents, it was a little disturbing that Applejack’s hobbies were: bucking apples, selling apples, peeling apples, and making apple foods.

“Actually, I think you’re going to be too busy saving Rarity to hang out with us, Princess,” Pinkie cut in.

I blinked in confusion, and looked over to the pink pony to see that she was pointing at something. When I turned my head around to see just what had gotten Pinkie’s attention, I saw a little purple dragon running towards us as fast as his little legs would carry him. “What the hay?”

When he finally got to us. Spike panted for breath, and looked like he only got about half-full before he began speaking. “Rarity, woods, dogs, jewels, taken! SAVE HER!” he shouted in a panic while waving his arms around.

Now, during my time in Equestria, I had come to know ponies as intelligent, kind, and compassionate creatures. However, for all the ponification of perfection that they were, there was still one little Achilles heel that they all shared. When faced with a stressful situation, they panicked. And panicking ponies were nothing but a bunch of goddamn morons! It was a trait that Spike had apparently inherited after being around them for so long.

“Rarity’s in trouble?” Twilight exclaimed before taking a second to glance down the street where her place of employment was. She sighed and looked back to the dragon. “Alright, tell us what happened Spike!”

Instead of answering the unicorn’s question, Spike ran around to jump on her back. “No time to explain! We got to go now! Follow us girls!” he shouted before kicking Twilight on her sides with his heels.

The action made the purple pony rear up, and actually start to gallop.

Thankfully, before I had to step in and do anything, Cadance’s horn lit up, and surrounded Twilight and her five friends in its magical energy to stop them cold. “Hold up just a minute,” she said with a frown. “Just what do you mean, Rarity’s in trouble?”

“There’s no time to explain!” Spike yelled back with worry.

Cadance frowned at him before she looked around at the girls. “Seeing as how you’re asking Twilight to run there instead of teleporting, and Rainbow Dash to follow her instead of flying ahead, there’s apparently plenty of time to explain!” she shot back before taking a second to calm down by letting out a long breath. “Now, tell us what’s going on.”

As all eyes turned on the dragon, Spike took a moment to look around wildly and then took in a deep breath, as if everything in the world relied on what he was about to say. “Rarity’s been kidnapped by diamond dogs!”

Everypony around me gasped, even Cadance.

When it came to me, I…well, I’ll admit, I kind of saw something like this coming when Spike ran up to me in a panic. Still, there wasn’t anything to really be afraid about. Rarity could whine in some high-pitched tone that was like a sonic weapon to creatures with sensitive hearing. And the show even said she’d be fine.

So there was nothing to worry about.

Nothing at all.

Except…well…things hadn’t exactly gone the way they should have with the buffalo. What if other butterflies had been flapping their wings to cause other, more violent changes…

“Oh that’s not whining Darlings, This is whining!” the Rarity of my imagination went on as she reenacted a particular scene.

At least until the head dog walked up and socked her in the jaw. “Oh shut up you stupid pony!” he said. “We don’t need you to talk to find gems! So one more word out of you, and it’s five across the eyes!”

A little shiver of fear ran down my back at that mental image.

So, thanks to my overactive imagination, which seemed to be getting a little dark these days, I knew just letting the whole thing sort itself out wasn’t an option. Plus, it would be a pretty douche move for me to just stand around in Ponyville while my friends were being attacked in their attempts to save her.

“Okay,” Cadance went on. “I want you girls to go to the mayor and tell her what’s going on. Spike, send a letter to Princess Celestia and inform her of the situation, and have her send a few teams of royal guards down to Ponyville under my authority.”

Applejack stomped her hoof. “That’s all well and good Princess, but that’ll take them half an hour at the least and Rarity needs help now!”

My throat was cleared before Luna spoke. “Which is what we shall be doing while you all await for the arrival of the royal guard,” she told them. “We know you wish to help your friend Applejack, an admirable trait, but to protect our little ponies is the duty of the alicorns. Cadance and the two of us shall retrieve Rarity. We need all of you to make sure that Ponyville is safe in case this act is merely a precursor to a greater problem. As you yourself said, it will take time for the guard to arrive, and our enemies might act before that.”

I frowned at Luna’s reasoning. “Wait, what do you mean? Is Ponyville in danger?” Nothing like that had happened from the way I remembered it.

“At the moment, we still know not the reason behind this attack on our friend,” Luna told me. “It could be something as simple as a kidnapping done by a few for ransom, or it could merely be the tip of a much more dastardly plot. After all, Rarity wields an Element of Harmony. Even though such is not common knowledge, if the diamonds dogs have indeed decided to rebel against Equestria, our friends would make tempting first strike targets.”

Twilight nodded. “We understand Princess,” she said before looking back to the girls. “Fluttershy, go back to your cottage and ask your animal friends if they’ve seen any other diamond dogs around recently. Pinkie Pie, head over to the mayor’s office and tell her what’s going on. Rainbow Dash, fly around to some of the outlying farms and warn them so they’ll come to Ponyville. Applejack, go and make sure your family’s safe. As for me, I’ve got to go tell my boss I’ll be late for my shift…again.”

As the girls ran off to complete their tasks, Cadance sighed and shook her head. “She really needs to quit that job.”

“I believe there is the requirement of a two week notice,” Luna told her.

After we took a second to get directions from Spike, and then sent him back to the tree house where it was safe, Cadance and the two of us headed towards the location that Rarity had been nabbed. However, as we raced there as fast as I could, since galloping at Luna’s full speed still made me stumble a bit, I noticed that Cadance had a troubled look on her face.

“Don’t worry! I’m sure Rarity’s fine!” I assured her. At least, I was mostly sure. Like...ninety-percent sure. The effects my presence caused wouldn’t have done some kind of weird Starlight Glimmer apocalypse-style change to what I knew was going to happen, right?

Which reminded me, I needed to hurry up and get rid of that pony before Twilight ran into her. There was no way in hell I was going to take a chance on letting her dick with the time stream now that I was mucking about with it too. But an excuse to just stumble across her town would have to wait.

Cadance looked at me at the corner of her eye. “It’s not that,” she told me. “It’s just…this will be the first time I’ve actually have to use the combat magic that Auntie taught me.”

I opened my mouth to offer a reassurance that she’d be fine but…there was just one little problem with that. I didn’t actually have any real combat experience either.

Sure, I had plenty of training, especially since Luna decided that after the Great Southern Plains War where I just stood around and had Celestia protect our collective ass that it was time to really get serious about molding us into a dark protector of the citizenry. But my actual experience when it came to dangerous situations was...nil.

“Worry not young Cadance,” Luna spoke up when I failed to offer any reassurances. “Thanks to my latest training regimen, Nighty will be more than capable of dealing with a diamond dog incursion into Ponyville and retrieving our dearest friend Rarity from their slobbering jaws!”

I winced. “Gee Luna, thanks for putting on the pressure on me.”

Despite my unease of Luna’s mentioning her boot camp, Cadance actually got a little curious. “What kind of training?”

“Well,” Luna began as she began to describe the most painful two weeks of our lives together.

-The Night After Nightmare and Luna Returned to Canterlot-

“Nighty, I have come to a decision!” Luna announced as one of her bat ponies held a mirror up in front of us so I could kind of talk to her face to face and see the mare’s displeased scowl. “After thy pitiful showing against the buffalo, where Celestia had to spend all of her time protecting us against their charge rather than the two of us bringing a swift end to the battle, thy training must be increased greatly.”

I gave an uneasy groan. What Luna was putting me through was hard enough already. Magic this, jump that, fly over there…I was already being put through every kind of pace a pony could. “Oh come on Luna, I’m doing my best here.”

The owner of our body was quieted before I felt a tingling in her hoof and it stumped the ground on its own. Then, my mouth started moving again as the rest of the Night Guard started doing their workout routines to the music of a band I had talked Luna into hiring because…well, workouts just went better with music. “Nighty!”

Although…the tune they were playing tonight seemed a bit…different…

You’re the saddest princess that I’ve ever known
But you can bet before I’m through
Missy I’ll make a mare, out of you

“Wait, that sounds like…oh no,” I mumbled before Luna took our mouth away again.

“Soldiers! I order you to bombard me with rotten tomatoes until the Nightmare is able to catch them all in my magic without crushing a single one!” Luna shouted to her men.

And so, over the next several nights, I found myself being put through the paces…

Tranquil as a forest
But on fire within!

After the first night, I had to learn a whole new level of cleaning spell to get the red out of my coat, and the flies didn’t want to disappear until after the sun went down again.

Once you find our center
We are sure to win

Then came the advanced agility training, where Luna had me running along the top of the protective wall that went along the outer edge of Canterlot to ensure even the most foolish of foals couldn’t fall off of the mountain city. To make sure that I kept up a swift pace, a pair of bat ponies followed us around and smacked Luna’s butt with a paddle charged with electricity if I slowed down. What made it even worse was that my wings were also bound by her magic, so just trying to get away via flight wasn’t an option either.

“How come you aren’t as annoyed by this as I am?” I screamed at the alicorn that was holding onto her horn to keep me from fighting back against our assailants.

A little notepad and quill floated up in front of my face to write out a message. [Because I am used to the pain of combat and do not fear it!].

I growled at the note as if was Luna herself, only to have to read another. [By the way, if you don‘t get my left hoof back on track you’re going to fall].

“Huh?” I replied as I stepped forward and placed a great deal of my weight onto empty air. Then my crappy balance gave out, and I tumbled off the edge of Canterlot while screaming at our impending death. “AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!”

Thankfully, the clouds caught Luna’s body before we went splat.

Thou are’t a spineless and pathetic princess
But worry not, before I’m through
Nightmare, I’ll make a mare out of you!

After that, I was starting to think Luna was a little crazy. Because she decided to give me lessons on real aerial avoidance. For that, she needed real arrows. Sharp, magical arrows that really hurt when they ended up getting stuck beneath our skin.

So, one night of my double-hell week was spent flying through the skies and attempting to not get turned into a pin cushion. I tried to do the smart thing and hide as much as I could, but…

“DO NOT LET HER CATCH HER BREATH!” Luna yelled when I ducked into one of the taller towers of the palace well ahead of the bat ponies, killing my hopes of actually getting a breather.

A second later, three arrows sailed into the room and I hit the dirt in time to see them penetrate the wall on the far side of the tower. “HEY!” I yelled at the lunar pegasi that had been after us. “Those almost went right through me!”

Nightwing came through the window a second later to knock me back onto the ground. “You sound like one of those fools in school that cut gym.”

I looked up at the pegasus, scared to death.

The gravestone would read: Alas Nighty we hardly knew ye!

And then came the lessons on really how to swim as I continued to recant my horrible experience, all the while Luna' stupid song playing in my head…

BE A MARE!
You must be swift as the coursing river

“THIS IS INSANE!” I shouted at Luna while I tried to pony paddle against the current that the waterfall behind me.

BE A MARE!
With all the force of a great typhoon

I looked at the class five hurricane the Wonderbolts had kicked up under Luna’s orders that she had told me to undo all by my lonesome. “No…bucking…way…”

BE A MARE!
With all the strength of a raging fire

“You…want me to stop that with our bare hooves?” I asked as I looked up at the giant meteor that Luna had decided to pull down from orbit with her magic.

Mysterious as the dark side of the moon!

I looked up from the playing cards floating in front of me, and slid forward a good hundred bits. “I call,” I said before showing the four princesses in my hand to the rest of the night guard that were still in the game.

-Present Day-

Cadance blinked as we finished recounting the horrors of Luna’s super fast emergency combat princess training regimen that might have had me curled into a little ball and trembling with the terror of the memories. “Well that’s um…interesting…” she said.

Unfortunately for my mental trauma, Equestria didn’t seem to have anything in the way of a psychiatrist to help me deal with what was now a paralyzing fear of everything dangerous. I even went so far as to looking into mental help specialists among the griffons and donkeys. But no, there wasn’t even a fucking wolf with a couch I could sit on and spill Luna’s guts to.

“OH GET UP!” Luna yelled at me. “It was not that bad! Besides, a warrior cannot be forged without first taking the useless lump of flesh that is the body of a pony and tempering it in the fires of true danger!”

My moment of self pity over, I managed to put Luna’s hooves back under me, and trudged forward to meet our grisly death and the hands of slobbering mongrels. At the very least, we could save Rarity before perishing heroically underground. Together, the three of us headed for the clearing that Spike directed us to, and found the dozen-plus entrances to the diamond dog tunnels just sitting in a low patch of ground. From her place beside us, Cadance blinked at the sight. “Wow…that’s a lot of holes.”

I frowned at them all as my MLP trivia reminded me of the fact that the diamond dogs also had a massive underground complex of tunnels just beneath us. “Wait a second,” I asked as my rational mind latched onto a simple fact of physics to help overcome my fear of our impending death. “There’s more holes than there is ground around it! The whole thing should collapse do to a lack of structural integrity!”

Unless of course the diamond dogs had managed to-NO, shut up brain! I need this confusion right now, I mentally yelled at myself.

“The diamond dogs’ mastery of the earth is indeed a vexing thing,” Luna told me. “However, we need not attempt to waste our time entering their labyrinth through the entrances provided. Such actions in the past did always leave my little ponies with a great deal of pain and frustration to deal with.”

Luna then told me to fly into the air, and I kept my mouth shut while following the experienced alicorn’s instructions. Once we were a good ways over the target area, her horn lit up to fire a beam of light into one of the holes.

As soon as it disappeared down the hole, geysers of dirt started erupting from all the holes in the area, with a few taking longer than others. As we let it happen, the Princess of the Night took her time walking me through several other preparations that needed to be made when it came to storming the underground dark.

“Luna!” Cadance cried out as she looked around while I came in for a landing behind her. “They’re sealing the entrances! What’ll we do now? If we try and blast our way in, won’t that put Rarity in danger from a tunnel collapse?”

The light around Luna’s horn winked out, and she took control of her speech once again. “Worry not young Cadance. It matters little that the front door has been shut. For we have our own way inside now that my marking has given us a location to teleport to. Just wait, and I shall assist Nighty with the spell.”

Three seconds of Luna holding my magical hand later, and we popped into place beneath the ground that diamond dogs had just finished sealing up. While Cadance stumbled around a little from the shakeup caused by my admittedly amateurish teleports, I took in the scenery despite not an ounce of light being visible.

Seeing things without any light is…weird. Impossible too, but…I kind of gave up on the whole ‘YOU CAN’T DO THAT’ kind of stuff when I ended up turning into a possessing monster of darkness inside a magical talking horse. So, I just went with weird.

It wasn’t like seeing things at night. At least then I had the moon and starlight. With Luna’s eyes, that was as good as a cloudy day. But in absolute darkness, there was no color to anything at all. Except for black, and varying degrees of gray. I’d say it was like watching a black and white movie, only real and less grainy. But it was still better than pitch black.

The sound of shifting earth drew my attention, and I looked behind Cadance to see…nothing but empty tunnel behind the extremely stiff alicorn that had managed to stop stumbling around and stood rigid, braced against the ground-wall while taking in deep breaths of the stale, underground air.

With the area around us clear as far as I could tell, I walked over to my best friend. “Cadance?” I asked before nearly falling over when Luna’s right leg shot up of its own accord to be placed on the back of her neck.

“Calm thyself my little pony,” Luna told the nervous alicorn in a hard, even voice. “We know places such as this are hard on pegasi, but steel yourself and remember your duties as an alicorn.”

I frowned at Luna’s words and the obvious display of fear Cadance was showing. If the girl was claustrophobic, then we needed to get her back to the surface, not drag her in deeper with us. “Hey Cadance, if you want to head back-”

“No,” she told me before her horn lit up and turned my monochrome world into one with a new light blue color scheme. Then she took in a deep breath, and let it out. The exercise didn’t seem to do that much good, but Cadance didn’t seem to want to go anywhere else but forward. “I’m good. Rarity’s in trouble, and I’m not just going to run away if a friend is in danger.”

Despite how easy it was for me to admire Cadance’s courage, I wasn’t about to just let a pink pony waltz into danger when she clearly wanted to be anywhere else. “But Cadance-”

“I’m fine Nighty,” the pink princess pony insisted as she looked up at me with a frown.

With a pony set against me so, my ears went flat and I couldn’t stop myself from giving up the fight. While I could probably argue with Celestia and Luna all day about plenty of things, Cadance and the girls were just…harder for some reason. “Okay,” I relented before looking away from the pink pony princess. “Just…stay behind us and help keep an eye out.”

Of course, Luna had to add her two cents and completely destroy my attempts to put Cadance in a safe position, at least when it came to my peace of mind. “A sound strategy. Diamond dogs tend to strike at the rear legs from below. If Cadance provides lookout for our body, we can better scan for danger. Now onward! Rarity awaits rescue.”

So, we three heroines sallied forth to rescue the damsel in distress most fare. And as we moved through the underground dark that was lit by many hues of blue, I wracked my brain to try and remember how the hell the girls dealt with the bad guys in the show, and what to expect from them. But when that was...less than helpful, I turned to what Luna had taught me.

Lessons with Luna on the enemies of ponykind had been very thorough when it came to teaching me about the former owners of the land where Equestria now stood. Probably the biggest mistake the alicorns had ever made, the diamond dogs were carnivores on a planet full of nothing but intelligent life and possessed their own magic on top of claws capable of using tools. As for what their magic actually did, the creatures could move through dirt and stone like a normal person could move through water. Density did matter, but not by that much. A five foot wall of rock wouldn’t slow a diamond dog down for more than a few seconds.

During the war, diamond dogs were known for coming up out of the ground to attack pony settlements that weren’t in the clouds before they quickly retreated back into the dirt. The only major conflicts Equestrians ever had with them were on the dogs’ home turf, where they could neutralize a pegasus’s flight and pretty much attack from any direction. And if things really got bad for them, the dogs would simply cause a cave-in to burry the attacking force while they could simply swim away through the earth and escape.

That last bit of information was something that Luna decided to share with Cadance. It made the pink alicorn look around as we finished moving through the downward-sloping tunnel and came out into a cavern that could have fit a good-sized two-story house. “Y-You mean if things go bad, they’ll try and bury us?” she asked as her wings started to really fidget.

“Should that happen, you have nothing to worry about Cadance,” Luna assured her while I looked around the area with a frown. As much as I hated to admit it, I was pretty sure we would have been better off in complete darkness. Whatever Luna’s natural night vision was, it was a lot clearer and further-reaching than the light generated by a pair of alicorn horns that gave everything a weird tint. “If the roof above us comes down, I can place a shield around us and-” Luna’s assurances were cut short when some dirt nearly fell down on top of us. “Nighty! Above us!”

I blinked at the odd command. “Huh?”

Not even a second later, I could hear Luna let out an angry scream from inside my head and one of her legs lashed out to knock Cadance away. The pink pony let out an undignified squawk before the ceiling gave way. Both Luna and I were covered by what had to be a ton of rock and dirt that knocked us to the ground and gave me a premature burial.

Premature, because neither Luna nor I actually died. Alicorns were made of some pretty stern stuff, and while pretty eccentric, Luna was hardly an idiot. Part of getting us ready to go into a diamond dog lair included casting a few protection spells when we were up in the air that would keep us from being killed by suffocation and too many rocks to the head.

But, it wasn’t like the diamond dogs knew that when they tried to smash our collective skull in. So with us down, the bad guys dropped from the ceiling to gloat. Judging by the amount of thuds my pony ears picked up, there were three of them, kind of big and bulky if the loud thuds from them landing were anything to go by. I could also hear some clunking metal, telling me at least some of them wore armor.

“Heh. Stupid pony! Nothing beats dogs underground!”

“Where pink pony go?”

“Feh, who cares? Help me dig her up. We make this our dinner.”

I went stiff at the last dog’s words. While Luna had said these things ate meat, I had been expecting them to chow down on something a little less sapient than…well, ME.

And while I wasn’t exactly hurt, that didn’t mean I wasn’t having any problems. Even an alicorn’s horn had trouble working when there was enough weight put on it. So, I couldn’t just TK my way out of the pile and put the whammy on my wannabe devourers.

For a few seconds, I thought I was in serious trouble…until I felt the load pressing down on Luna’s body lighten as the diamond dogs began removing the rocks that were pinning us down.

“Be ready,” Luna’s voice spoke in my head as a particular heavy rock was lifted from our chest.

Another rock was lifted, and I got a nice black and white picture of three diamond dogs standing over me as I just opened my eyes the tiniest bit. The sight was…a little disturbing, to be honest. Although not carbon copies of each other, the three bipedal bulldog-ish creatures did all have on the same helmets and chest pieces.

“Hmmm…does pony look bigger than usual kind?” the middle dog asked the other two.

The one of the left snorted. “So what if pony bigger. Means more food.”

Then, the third one chimed in. “Heh, stupid big pony fat pony. You no mess with diamond dogs.”

Another bit of rubble was removed, and…I figured that now was as good as time as any to make my move. I opened one of my eyes all of the way and glared up at them.

“Dogs? You think I can be defeated by a bunch of lowly dogs?” I said darkly. As the dogs jumped back in surprise from my words, I stood up in a swift motion and threw my wings wide for the extra dramatic effect while I sucked in a deep breath.

“IT TAKES A MARE TO KILL A MONSTER!”

With the booming sound of Luna’s royal voice actually blowing back some of the rubble around me and probably taking out some of the dogs’ eardrums serving as a good distraction, I leapt forward and struck with my hooves. The one of the left was knocked aside by my left hoof, and the one on the right got my right. The one in the middle, I lunged at with an open mouth and bit down hard before he could react. A second later, my mouth was full of the disgusting taste of dirty dog fur and blood as I sunk my teeth into the last diamond dog before lifting him up and shaking him around like a chew toy.

One last flick of my head sent the final mongrel flying to the far wall, and I was free to start spitting the absolutely disgusting taste of diamond dog from my mouth as the creature that caused it crashed against the stone. Then, without wasting a single beat, Luna’s horn lit up on her accord, and snatched the three canine creatures up in a field of magic.

Which gave me ample opportunity to continue to try and spit the taste of dog from my mouth.

A weird explosion sounded from behind me, and I looked back in time to see Cadance rushing in. “Nighty, Luna are you okay?” she cried out desperately before the area was lit up once again in the glow of her horn. “I…am apparently too late to help.”

Since Luna had the diamond dogs under wraps, I looked back to Cadance in concern. “We’re good, but what about you?” I asked. Even though I hadn’t been able to control my leg, I had felt that Luna had shoved Cadance pretty hard. “Are you alright?”

Cadance nodded. “Just fine,” she said before looking back to the three dogs. “But, what do we do about these guys?”

That was something I had an answer for. Ever since Luna teleported us underground, I had been thinking about how we were supposed to find Rarity. I didn’t know if Luna knew any gem finding spells, and even if she did, the fact that Rarity could just walk around and dig wagonloads of them up with a shovel told me the area had to be just saturated with them. Just picking the tunnel with the most gems in an attempt to find her wasn’t going to get me a marshmallow mare at the end of it.

But, the three dogs in front of me provided a better option than just randomly picking a direction. They knew the layout of the tunnels. They knew where Rarity was. They were already plenty scared, and they could talk.

“I say we ask them where Rarity is,” I said before sitting back on Luna’s haunches and popping her fetlocks like they were knuckles. When I spoke again, I did so with a much more…threatening quality. “And if they don’t want to tell us, we hurt them until they do.”

Cadance balked at my plan, and backed away from where Luna and I were sitting. “You’re going to what?” she demanded before frowning at me for some reason.

“It’s a pretty simple concept, I ask a question, they tell me what I want to know, or I break a bone,” I explained to the pink pony princess.

“Luna! You can’t be willing to go along with this!”

My mouth let out a tiny sigh. “While there are other options, delving into the mind of a non-pony takes time, and I am not sure of the effect the Nightmare’s presence would have on such magic. If it is as disruptive as it is in the dream realm, physical damage might very well be preferable to what its presence could do when in direct contact with a conscious mind.”

I rolled my eyes at the little reminder Luna gave me when it came to our nightly excursions. Apparently, the way I could mess with dreams wasn’t very nice, all brute force and total control. Which, I’ll admit might have been pretty upsetting to a creature who made subtle changes to guide a dreamer like Luna did. But in my defense, it got the job done.

Since it didn’t seem like the pony in charge was going to back her up, Cadance let out a groan. “Well if your only options are to hurt another creature, then maybe you should let somepony else step in,” she said.

Before I could try and calm her down, or even ask what she was doing, Cadance walked up to the middle dog and touched her horn to his chest. The light around her pointy pony poker went pink, and there was what sounded like a crash of thunder. When whatever she had done was over, Cadance managed to get the dog out of Luna’s magic grip and drop him to the ground.

The dog got to his knees, or whatever it was that dogs had in place of knees, and looked up at the pink pony. “Princess,” the bipedal canine said in a tone that almost sounded reverent. Like, super reverent. Star Wars fan boy meeting George Lucas surrounded by Luke, Han and Leia reverent.

“Would you be a dear and help me find my friend? She’s a white unicorn with diamonds for a cutie mark,” Cadance told him.

“Other pony? Yes!” the dog replied in such a happy tone that sent a chill down my spine out of how…ecstatic it was. “Max knows where other pony is! You want me show you now, Princess?”

Cadance gave the dog a nervous laugh. “Yes,” she said with a nod. “That sounds good. Let us just take care of your friends real quick, and we’ll be on our way.”

The dog nodded. “You want Max to do it, Princess?” he asked before snarling at the other dogs. “Max will tear out their throats for Pony Princess!”

“No!” Cadance ordered him quickly, making the dog whimper in response as if she had just smacked him with a newspaper. “Uh…Luna will take care of them. You just wait until we’re ready to go, alright?”

After Cadance led the dog that was showing super creepy stalker levels of interest in the pink princess away from his friends, I blasted both of them with a sleeping spell that would have left them out for several hours, as long as nothing too loud happened to wake them up like a cave-in.

Then, the three of us followed the much too happy and helpful diamond dog through the tunnels.

About three feet into the next leg of our journey, I leaned over to talk to the pink pony princess. “Uh Cadance…what did you do to him?” I asked with a sneaking suspicion. I wasn’t certain, but the way he was acting made the whole Big Mac and Cheerilee thing look tame.

“I made him love me with all his heart,” the most terrifying creature in the universe replied in a simple tone that had a hint of confusion in it. And when my face kind of contorted into an expression of horrified displeasure at the little pink pony’s deed, Cadance frowned back at me. “Oh, and what you were planning to do was better?”

For reference, my mental scoreboard on the evil atrocities went something like this…

Broken bad guy’s bones: Solid 5

Luna’s invasion of the mind: A good 7

Cadance’s act of completely destroying another creature’s free will: Perfect 10

It was just another little reminder of how different ponies really were from humans when it came to the moral scale. Sure, they were the paragons of niceness and so sweet that a normal person would develop diabetes by living with the ponies for so long, but every now and then they would show a little quirk that just shouted ‘WRONG’ to my former species’s sensibilities. Like the fact that ponies kept sapient creatures as pets, or how a pink pony princess could apparently dictate which emotions a creature felt if she wanted to.

It actually made me a little worried when it came to that one flashback where Cadance saw that couple fighting and just undid it with her magic.

But rather than get into a big argument about it in the middle of the bad guy’s lair, I decided to keep my mouth shut. Plus, Cadance had done it to a diamond dog, something that had been planning to eat both me and probably Rarity too when they got done with her. So…I put it out of my mind for more important things.

Like how we were going to hopefully come upon Rarity and blink as the diamond dogs just gave her back rather than pick a fight with a pair of powerful alicorns since the marshmallow unicorn could just whine at the dogs in the perfect frequency to make their ears bleed. Unfortunately, as I wasn’t supposed to know any of that, we had to listen to Luna as she came up with our plan of attack.

“We shall go with shock and awe,” our leader announced. “Thanks to the information Max has provided, we know that there are only fifteen of these mongrels total, a number Nighty and I can easily subdue by ourselves. After we draw them in and entrap them, you free Lady Rarity from her yoke, Cadance.” The last word came almost as a curse. Apparently, Luna didn’t like the fact these guys were using our friend as slave labor any more than I did. “And protect her from harm should something do wrong.”

Up at the turn in front of us, Max stopped to sniff the air as we came to a halt halfway down the tunnel behind him. “Dogs up ahead Princess.”

I concentrated on our horn, and worked the magic that Luna had showed me to block our scent from getting a few inches beyond our coat. However, it also meant my princessly BO wouldn’t be going anywhere. Luna had warned me when it came to this particular spell, I didn’t want to have to hold it for long. Being surrounded in a fog of horse sweat probably didn’t smell too good. “Okay, let’s go.”

Luna and I rounded the corner before we teleported into the main chamber of the diamond dog’s makeshift mine to land on an uncrushed bolder in the middle of the room. Lamps hung on the walls, which was a surprise to me since diamond dogs were supposed to have the same impossible dark vision that I did, but seeing things in color after nothing but hues of blue was a nice change.

Just as I had half-expected, Rarity was in the middle of the room with a wagon attached to her back by a rusty harness that looked heavier than the wagon she was actually pulling. Although, she wasn’t actually pulling the wagon at the moment. My poor little pony was laying in the dirt in tears, the perfect coat Rarity was so proud of near her hindquarters marred by what looked like a claw mark.

That actually made me stop for a second.

The damn dogs had actually gone and hurt her!

Thus did whatever pity I had for these creatures die.

The hell with Cadance and the moral ambiguity that was her love magic. She could make them all become obsessed with sucking their own dicks for all I cared. These bastards had hurt Rarity, and they were going to fucking PAY!

“FOUL MONSTERS!” Luna shouted from atop our rock, quickly drawing their attention. “A beautiful mare is not to be subjected to such foul treatment by mongrel dogs! I am Princess Luna of Equestria, and in the name of the moon-”

“-and in the name of love!” Cadance added as she stepped out from the tunnel next to her enthralled love-slave.

“We shall punish thee!” Luna finished. As for me, I threw out a hoof to point at the monsters in a dramatic way while throwing our wings wide in a rather poor attempt at intimidation.

A rather slim diamond dog in a vest that was standing next to another one that wasn’t even half as tall looked back and forth between me and Cadance with a frown. “More ponies?” he yelled before pointing at me on top of my little hill. “More work horses! Get them!”

As Luna put her attention back on her horn, I looked around wildly while the diamond dogs started to literally come out of the walls with ropes for our mouths, not to mention the ceiling. “Uh, Luna, mass paralysis spell if you please?”

Our horn lit up, and the blue mare guided me through the somewhat familiar motions of freezing another pony in place. But instead of releasing the energy, we let it build up for a second as the dogs came closer and closer.

Cadance’s bodyguard growled and barked as the other diamond dogs got near them.

Rarity let out a scream when one of the hounds made for her again, only to have it cover its ears in a whimper.

And then, not even a second before the dogs from above were due to reach us, Luna ordered me to lose the spell.

There was a bright flash of blue as the area was covered in Luna’s magic, and I looked around as every single diamond dog floated in place, surrounded by a dark blue glow. “Considering your position,” Luna spoke while I held onto the magic that kept the dogs from moving. “We would advise an unconditional surrender.”

Unfortunately, despite Luna’s declaration of punishment, all crimes committed during daylight hours were Celestia’s duty to take care of. So after we gathered up all of the diamond dogs in the mine and helped Rarity with the massive amount of gems she had gotten them to dig up for her, Luna had us take her to Canterlot to serve as a witness to their actions and formally file charges.

The rest of the girls came too of course. They were worried about Rarity, and she was more than happy to talk about her harrowing experience of being surrounded by dirt and being accosted by those horribly smelling diamond dogs. To be honest, I think she was making it sound worse than it actually was for her, especially when I saw the mark on her butt was just a little scratch.

She actually seemed more traumatized about being called an ugly mule than anything else.

It didn’t mean I was about to let these idiots off for kidnapping, enslavement, assault, and whatever the hell the charge was for planning to eat someone that wasn’t the same species though. As far as I was concerned, they deserved worse than whatever Princess Celestia was about to give them.

Not that I thought she was going to be light. Just looking at her as Max was forced to explain what the group had done since leaving the diamond dog territory enable anyone who knew Celestia well enough to see what she thought about the whole ordeal. That pony was pissed. By the time the trial was drawing to a close, it was obvious she wasn’t about to just give them a slap on the wrist.

And they deserved the worst she had. The dog’s hometown was pretty damn far north of Ponyville, and Max had said that they had done plenty of damage on their way south in search of gems. The ones they had on them when Rarity had been captured had been taken from some other ponies that they had...eaten. It had been those ponies that had pointed them in the direction of Ponyville, in fact.

As the trial came to a close, I stood in the throne room next to the dogs that were surrounded by dozens of royal guards under the direct command of Shining Armor. The girls were off to the side of the dais while they waited for Rarity to finish her testimony, Spike having gone first to describe the kidnapping.

Celestia sat up on her golden throne with a frown on her face as Rarity finished going over the ordeal. Once the unicorn was done, the looked over to the one diamond dog that wasn’t being held in chains of magical moonlight Luna had shown me how to conjure.

“While the testimonies of the creatures you harmed on top of what Luna witnessed is more than enough to justify punishment to you and your pack,” she said while looking down at Max, who was giving Cadance that same look of creepy devotion while Shining Armor stood between them to glare at the dog. “There is something I want to know.

“After the war, my sister and I accepted the surrender of your surviving kind on the promise that they would no longer harm another living creature. My ponies provided plants that would serve to meet the nutritional needs of the diamond dogs, and you are allowed to govern yourselves within the territory allotted you. Yet, every few years, there are those like you and your friends that do not wish to live in harmony with Equestria. They…eat meat, and go to any lengths for gems, despite their useless nature to diamond dogs. And now that I have one of you unwilling to lie at the orders of my niece, I must ask you, why? What is it that drives you to do these things when I have done everything possible to ensure that such actions are unnecessary?”

The dog looked back to Cadance, who nodded for him to answer. After a few seconds of thinking, Max spoke. “Because shiny gems are pretty, and meat tastes better than beans or stupid tofu.”

I raised an eyebrow at such…simplistic reasoning. We were silent for a few more minutes, but there was no deeper explanation. So super special explanation to create some greater understanding. The dogs had simply kidnapped Rarity and hurt several others on their way south because...they had wanted to.

Apparently, Qui-Gon Jinn was right. The ability to speak was not in fact a sign of intelligence.

A snort came from Celestia’s nose. “Captain Armor, encase these creatures in a shield and have them taken to Tartarus to be thrown into the pit where they can spend the rest of their lives,” she ordered.

It only took Shining a few seconds to take over possession of the prisoners, which he then escorted out with the platoon’s worth of soldiers to help him. Once he was gone, I joined the rest of the girls as Celestia made her way down the stairs to her throne. As she did, I winced at her expression. The alicorn looked...tired. The kind of tired you didn’t show to other people.

Twilight stepped forward with a worried look on her face. “Princess Celestia, are you alright?”

The goddess looked down at her student to smile just a little bit. “I will be, Twilight,” she said before letting out a sigh and shaking her head. “It’s just…such matters always leave me feeling as if I am in need of a warm bath afterwards.”

“Oh I most heartily agree Princess,” Rarity chimed in. “Just being near those creatures makes me want to book a weekend spa treatment.”

Celestia gave Rarity a little smile. “That’s not quite what I mean, my little pony,” she said before brightening up a little. “Although, since the day is almost done, how about I take the six of you and Princess Cadance to the one I prefer here in Canterlot? I’m sure that you could all use some relaxation after having to worry about Rarity for so long, and you especially my dear.”

While Rarity blushed at the attention and Celestia’s summarization of her dirty coat, Rainbow let out a little groan. “A spa?” she whined.

Applejack rolled her eyes. “Didn’t Ah see you coming outta the one in Ponyville just last week?”

“Yeah,” Rainbow replied with a roll of her eyes before she pointed towards me and Tia. “Because they’re making me go!”

Fluttershy cleared her throat and walked between the blue pegasus and orange farmer. “Well, it does help your hooves, Rainbow.”

Before everyone could start going on about how pretty Rainbow’s hooves were in an attempt to drive the little blue pony crazy, I jumped into the conversation. “Alright! The spa sounds like a great idea.”

But then, Celestia looked over to me with a smirk. “Well I’m sorry to tell you Nighty that you’ll be working. It is almost time to lower the sun, after all.”

“Indeed,” Luna added. “While your performance against the diamond dogs was admirable, there is still much work to be done my other. Now come, we must head to the balcony and perform our daily ritual.”

The rest of the girls followed Celestia and Luna out into the hallway before we made our way to one of Canterlot Castle’s many balconies to do the daily job of us goddesses. Then, once we were done, Celestia looked back to the rest of the girls. “You are all welcome to stay in the palace for the night of course,” she said before a light bulb practically appeared above her head. “Oh! We could even have a slumber party if you want. I’ve been wanting to spend time with you all again.”

“WOOOHOOO! Princess pony palace slumber party!” Pinkie cheered.

The girls walked away in a cheerful mood with Celestia, leaving me and Luna standing on the balcony while we waited for Nightwing to show up for what was sure to be a night of unpleasantness. I sat down on our haunches and crossed my forelegs. “Hey Luna, is this how it was before?”

“What do you mean?” she asked.

I nodded towards Celestia before she and the girls disappeared around the corner of the hallway and I shut the doors with Luna’s magic. “We risk our lives, we get covered in dirt and sweat and the blood of our enemies, and then Celestia gets the final say in things before she just goes off surrounded by her adoring public as we have to deal with even more junk.”

Luna was silent for a few seconds. “Nighty, I wouldn’t exactly put it like that,” she told me. “But…for the most part…yes. She got the attention and all the praise, and I got all the work.”

Before I could grumble about the unfairness of it all and use that to kind of manipulate Luna into skipping our nightly training session to go play with the girls, the sound of another pony landing behind us made me look around to see Nightwing standing on the railing. “Princess Luna, I have something to report.”

“Go on,” Luna said after I turned around to give Nightwing her full attention.

“The day pegasi that Nightmare assigned to watch over the families of your friends landed in Canterlot with something a bit different than the usual comings and goings,” he said before pulling a parchment out of his armor with his mouth for me to snatch up in Luna’s magic.

I did my best to slowly keep my eyes moving across the words at the pace that Luna was speaking while we read the scroll. “Laughter family observation daily report number seventy-two.”

By the time we were done reading, it didn’t look like I’d be needing to talk Luna into having a night with the girls after all.

The Pie rock farm looked a lot like what any brony who had seen the Christmas episode would expect, just with a lot less Christmas stuff. Since we were still in the tail end of Summer, there was no snow on the ground or candy canes…that I think Applejack had hung up, so they wouldn’t have been there anyway. I did get to see Holder’s Bolder from above though. It looked like…a really big rock in the shape of a dragon’s egg.

At Luna’s insistence, we did a quick circle in the sky above the place to check out everything else and the surrounding lands as well as the quarry where the Pie’s mined their gems or grew their rocks. I was still kind of confused how that bit of Equestria worked and didn’t want to look like an idiot for asking Pinkie.

Overall though, I was a little disturbed at how desolate the place was. Sure, the farm was in the southern end of Equestria and close to the western half of the San Palomino desert, but there was a river touching the eastern end of Pinkie’s home. Irrigation would have been an easy option to get some more greenery. As it was though, the whole place was just a dark and dreary place.

Once the sightseeing of nothing was completed, I took us in for a landing with the four bat-ponies that accompanied Luna not far behind. We touched down close to the two-story little country home that Pinkie’s family lived in, and I walked up to the door. There wasn’t much in the way of sound coming from inside the house, but candles next to the windowsill told me that the family was still awake.

Hopefully, they were like traditional farm folk and didn’t stop working until the sun went down. As important as it was for me to be at the Pie farm, I didn’t want to upset any of them too much by getting the girls out of bed.

I knocked on the door, and waited patiently for a response. Then, when none came in half a minute, I tried again.

The door was thrown open before an angry mare with a light gray mane and a muted purple-gray coat stuck her head out. “YEAH? What do you waaaaaaaa,” Limestone Pie said as she probably just noticed to whom she was yelling at. Her eyes went wide, and she gulped. “Oh…buck me.”

Despite the obvious angry sex joke about how she would probably make a wild ride, I kept Luna’s mouth shut as the wide-eyed mare slowly backed away from the goddess she had just been as rude as she possibly could in that situation to. “We’ll see ourselves in,” Luna said as I stepped into the house while motioning to the guards to stay outside.

The rest of the Pie family was sitting around their dinner table with bowls of stone soup in front of them, staring at the big pony in their midst for a few seconds before Limestone backed her butt into the wall to the right of us and let out a startled cry. “Gah!”

“What horror is this?” the brown stallion I think was named Igneous cried out. “Did I not warn you Marble, if you were not to mend your wanton ways that the Mare of the Moon would come for thee?”

The mother of the family shrieked. “Oh why child? Why did you not listen! Now, you have brought calamity to us all!”

Marble Pie let out a tiny squeak and darted under the table to hide.

As for Maud, who was sitting across from her parents at the rectangular table, she gave us an even look and raised her hoof in greeting. “Hello Princess Luna. Hello Nighty,” she said before the tiniest bit of worry crept onto her face. “Is Pinkie Pie okay?”

…

…

After my brain restarted from the crash caused by…well…that, I raised an eyebrow at Maud’s reaction. Being out in the middle of nowhere, I could kind of understand the Pie’s still being terrified of Nightmare Moon. I had gone in kind of expecting it, to be honest. There were still plenty of big city ponies that squeaked in terror at our presence, and the Pies were a long way from the nearest newsstand.

“Ms Pie is in good health. But, pray tell child,” Luna spoke up. “How you addressed us, how do you know of our shared predicament?”

Maud looked at us for a few more seconds, and then reached into her clothes to pull out a large scroll that she dropped onto the ground. As if by magic, the yellow paper began to unroll, and made its way out the door before it even became half-undone. “Pinkie Pie writes us all the time about what happens back in Ponyville.”

Limestone snorted. “As if the rest of us have time to read all that junk she writes,” the grumpy pony grumbled before I looked back at her in curiosity. Which of course made her freeze in terror again. Meeting with the creature your mother had always used to control you with fear had that effect on both ponies and people.

“These are Pinkie’s friends, Princess Luna and Nightmare Moon,” Maud continued as if she were talking about the most boring thing in the universe. “They share a body. But Pinkie says Nightmare Moon likes to be called Nighty, now.”

“Oh,” the father of the family spoke. “I…see.”

The mother slowly nodded. “That’s very…interesting.”

“And you’re not here to take Marble away for having a tail that’s two inches off the ground higher than it should be?” Limestone asked cautiously.

From underneath the table, Marble Pie let out another squeak.

I groaned and covered my face with Luna’s hoof for a moment. “Okay, first off,” I said before taking my hoof away from my eyes. “Even when I was evil, I never actually ate, foalnapped, or killed anypony. I gave ponies bad dreams, and apparently turned a scant few who had sleepwalking problems into my puppets. None of which any of you have to worry about!”

Then, I winced when all of the family except Maud cowered from my angry emotional outburst. “Sorry,” I apologized before taking in a breath. “And we’re not actually here because of anything you all did.”

As if on cue, there was the sound of hooves impacting wood coming from the stairwell. “Alright, the washroom and bathing tub has been cleaned of all the dirt from today’s work,” a voice I knew belonged to light blue mare with a silvery mane said as she came down to stand at the top of the first flight of stairs. “Now, might Trixie have some dinner?”

I smiled in a way that showed off our fangs before taking a step forward to lay eyes on the Great and Powerful Trixie, who went wide-eyed with fear and got droopy ears at our sudden appearance. “We’re here for her.”

I Engage in Mare Talk

The morning after the pretty pony and princess palace sleepover was pretty much what anyone who knew the girls would have expected. Twilight got up and tried to make a daily schedule that accounted for the fact she was currently in Canterlot before she began calculating how much that threw off her weekly schedule. Rainbow Dash, the pony Twilight had unfortunately slept with in a way that was totally platonic, then popped the purple unicorn upside the head with their pillow, and grabbed a half-awake Spike that Twilight had dragged out of his room for some reason that involved lists to use as a replacement full-body pony pillow, despite his status as a dragon, and tried to go back to sleep. Applejack slipped out of Rarity’s grip to show us she had one of those morning person personalities along with Pinkie Pie, while Rarity mumbled something about beauty sleep before she tried to get back to bed. This of course proved to be an exercise in futility since Pinkie Pie reappeared barely more than five minutes after she left with two carts of glazed everything with a side of frosted everything else.

Shortly after which, Luna had me tackle Tia to keep the Princess of Plot from breaking her diet and drag the rounder pony off to the royal bathroom so we could get each other presentable for the day. Not to mention all the other morning stuff even princesses needed to take care of. I think Twilight took the news that Celestia actually needed to poop like every other pony pretty well. Rainbow only had to ask her what the hay was going on to snap Purple Smart out of her daze instead of having to use full hoof to back of the head contact.

Once we had managed to get everything going, the removal of Princess Celestia from the seat of power went by pretty fast. She just signed a pair of papers over breakfast that relieved her of any decision-making authority for seven days, and forwarded all the inquires regarding the ruling of Equestria to Cadance while Luna wasn’t on the throne.

Luna didn’t actually need to sign anything since she had been reinstalled as Celestia’s equal about a week after we arrived in Equestria. It probably would have been sooner, but...well, she was still under possession by an eldritch abomination that Celestia had no reason to believe wanted to do anything but kill everything on the planet for the longest time.

And after breakfast was over with, Tia packed up her necessities in a rather small suitcase before she went with the girls to the train station. Apparently, part of the whole vacation thing was going ‘full commoner’ and that meant traveling coach with the rest of the nobodies that had happened to save the world instead of using her personal chariot or just accessing some godlike power to teleport about a hundred-plus miles.

We didn’t follow her all the way to the train station of course. That would have been stupid. Instead, Luna and I just said our goodbyes at the palace’s entrance while my aides and Trixie waited on us to start the day’s business. Well, Trixie wasn’t really waiting on us to start the day, she just kind of latched onto the two of us like a puppy after the events of last night, and I didn’t really have the heart to tell her to get lost. So, it was just me with Minuette and Twinkleshine on either side of us while Twixie stood out of in front of us to share a quick goodbye while Moondancer followed us from behind like my own know-it-all shadow.

“Now, we know that you are on a vacation Sister, but at least try to abstain from eating a whole cake a day,” Luna told Tia. “Rarity has already taken our measurements. It wouldn’t do for the backside of thy dress to require alterations when this Gala you need to attend is still months away.”

I made a sound of disagreement and rolled Luna’s eyes before taking control of her mouth. “It’s a vacation Luna. Celestia is supposed to gain at least ten pounds,” I told her before focusing my attention on the pony with the biggest butt in Equestria. “Just kick back, relax, and stop surrounding yourself with unicorns all the time.”

For some reason, Celestia just gave me this weird look before she glanced down at my attendants and shook her head while mumbling something I could only half hear. Then she looked back up to address me. “I’ll um...be sure to keep that in mind Nighty,” she said before glancing down at my aides again for a second and then back up to me. “Send me a letter if you have any questions you need to ask or...actually, just send me a letter at the end of the day. Problems or no.”

“Sister. Upon hearing such words, one would think you do not trust my ability to govern,” Luna deadpanned.

There was the tiniest fraction of a wince in Celestia’s body as Luna made her comment, but I think she covered it up well enough before letting out a tiny sigh and shaking her head. “It’s not that, Luna. I just...can you please just humor me with this? I just want to know what’s going on in my kingdom.”

“Well, it’s not like she probably won’t read about it in the papers a day later, right?” I asked Luna before the alicorn could take offense at Tia’s complete lack of faith in her ability to govern.

Luna sighed and turned her eyes over to her own shoulder like we usually did when talking to each other when a mirror wasn’t handy. “We suppose you have a point,” she said before looking back to Celestia. “But only to show you that you need not worry about your absence.”

After we watched Celestia and the girls take off, it was our turn to get ready to head out. Which meant choosing a mix of pegasi and bat ponies with some unicorns to provide support and a few earth ponies because...well, okay, I’m not really sure why Luna had us bringing along half a dozen earth ponies when we had the quadrupeds that could fly and throw around lightning bolts along with a good number of unicorns strong enough to hurl dozens of spears or one very large rock. Guys that could hit really hard just didn’t seem all that cool in contrast.

Thus did we find ourselves waiting outside the military barracks in Canterlot as troops and supplies were being readied to be taken to the train depot. Nightwing was there of course. He was being his usual stoic self to the point I didn’t know if he was just trying to act cool, or that whole nocturnal thing meant he was even more useless than a Season 5 Spike during the day. I decided to let him do his stand around and look important thing.

I had my Twinkling Toothpaste team too because, well...if this whole diamond dog thing was going to take as long as the buffalo incident did, I wanted my living plushies on hand to play with.

Then there was the rest of my entourage…

“Trixie was thinking she could be something like...court magician. Uh, that’s a real position, right?” Trixie asked as hesitation overcame her stage presence.

Since I didn’t actually know, Luna gave the mare with self-esteem issues the answer to her question with all of her usual amount of tact. “We have had many fools provide us with entertainment over the years, and there does seem to be an opening.”

I winced at Luna’s description of what she thought Trixie wanted to do and looked down at the little pony walking beside us. “Not that we think you’re stupid or anything Trixie!” I assured her. “It’s just that Luna’s really old, and sometimes she says things that don’t sound so good in the modern-”

Trixie sighed and held up a hoof. “I understand Lady Nightmare,” she told me before I could finish. “I didn’t have any illusions about Princess Luna offering to take me on as a student. The difference between my magical talents and those of a unicorn capable of attracting the attention of a princess has been made quite clear to me.”

With me being the only one of the two personalities inside the ultimate authority in Equestria that could talk Trixie out of her funk, I tried grasping at what straws I could. “But you’re really good at what you do and you enjoy it too, that’s what really matters, right?”

My pep talk didn’t seem to do anything, as Trixie just sighed and lowered her head. “But what’s the point when somepony else is around who shines so much brighter?”

A weird feeling that made a few parts of Luna’s body shiver passed through our spine before a noise came out my muzzle. “Grk!”

I frowned. “Uh...Luna?”

Completely ignoring me, the real owner of the body I was in spun our head over to look at Trixie. “Trixie Lulamoon! Thou shall accompany us upon the train to the city of diamonds, where we shall continue this conversation!” she ordered.

Trixie’s expression became uncertain at Luna’s sudden adaption of her royal persona, but she nodded nonetheless. “Um...very well, Your Highness.”

“Excellent! Now, to the throne room! We must make personal preparations, finish our duties, and bid farewell to our niece post haste if we are to keep on schedule!” Luna told me. After I had trotted a few feet away from the group, the Princess of the Night let out a sigh and grumbled to me...or herself, it was kind of hard to tell sometimes. “I see Twilight Sparkle takes after Sister in more ways than one.”

The schedule of an Equestrian Princess is one full of work. Even after we trimmed the fat off Celestia’s list of daily duties that involved things like pinning medals on the chest of pegasi who saved kittens from being trapped in trees and earth pony guards who managed to go a whole year without missing a day, there was still a lot to do before we could get going.

Like how I had to get everypony else ready for the trip. I had our resident nerd grab everything she could find out about the place on top of pony history reports that dealt with the dogs to see just why there was only one city for them in the world.

Kind of like the griffons.

And the crystal ponies.

Plus, the buffalo and dragons weren’t all that numerous either…

Okay, so maybe it wasn’t that uncommon for an entire species of creatures to only have enough members to populate a city state and some outlying farms on Pony World. But as I came from a race of creatures that had overpopulated numerous places on my former planet, seeing a sapient species that didn’t go forth and multiply was a little odd from my point of view.

But even after I had Moondancer and the girls pack our stuff, before we were do to leave, I needed to check in with and up on the dark empress of...uh...something like love. But EVIL!

So I walked Luna to the throne room, where a line of somewhat irritable ponies were waiting to be heard with their in-person-petitions. Of course, said line actually extended beyond the throne room, and when I actually walked through the double doors, I found the line snaked its way around a chamber large enough to play football in.

The real football. With the men, and the pads, and just the two guys that kicked stuff.

I took one look at the mess, and Luna let out a loud sigh. It was one of those dejected sighs that she used when she was trying to sink back into that Tantabus-causing depressions. The ones where she said that she needed to be punished, but not in the fun way with paddles.

“Something wrong Luna?” I asked while several of the ponies looked at us with curious expressions. Thanks to Luna’s sleeping schedule, we had never really been to the day court in...well, ever. So, I kind of gave the ponies staring at us a pass on the odd looks while Luna and I conversed.

Luna shook her head. “Tis simply...bad memories,” she mumbled too low for anybody else to hear. “The line of ponies seeking my sister’s aid has grown even longer in my absence, I see.”

Despite how things like facts tended to be disregarded on the basis of emotional responses like my pony was feeling, I still tried my best to pull Luna out of her funk. “Oh come on Lulu! Equestria probably has like, fifty-times as many ponies as it did when you were around,” I told her. Considering how much human hygiene had improved in one-thousand years, it was probably a good deal more. “So if you factor that in, there’s less ponies coming and asking for Celestia’s help! Plus, I bet the ones that are coming have really stupid problems!”

I looked around at the line of ponies and picked out a nerdy-looking unicorn mare with a thick pair of glasses that rivaled Moondancer’s and a satchel at her side. If anypony was going to be one of those ponies that needed a princess to pull a splinter out of her hoof, it would be her. “Like you! What’s your stupid problem that could probably be solved by a two-year-old?”

The unicorn blinked, and then magicked open her satchel. “Ah yes, you would be Princess Luna’s advisor, Nightmare Moon, correct?” she asked before she brought out an official-looking document. “I’m from the Stable of Education, and we would like to ask Princess Luna for any historical information regarding her first reign of Equestria. I’m afraid the amount of information we have regarding Your Majesty is...well, nonexistent. I came here to petition Princess Celestia for permission to assign a team of historians to look through some of Princess Celestia’s personal archives to find out the truth involving the details of the time that the two of you reigned together, Princess.”

As the pony in front of us bowed, I twisted her words around to try and get my point across. “See? This pony just wants to find out how awesome you were back before I showed up. We sure don’t need anypony getting an accurate assessment of history that tells everypony how you fought off monsters all night between making sure the foals of Equestria weren’t mentally scarred for life, right Luna?”

Luna let out a sigh as I released her mouth. “It twas not as important as you make it to be, my other.”

Rather than get into an argument on the merits of Luna’s importance, mainly because Celestia had gone on and on about how vital she was plenty of times before in the middle of a fucking utopia that seemed to get along just fine without her in the grand scheme of things, I trotted over to the next pony I could see that had on some fancy clothes after assuring the historian we’d talk another day and telling her to get in touch with either Minuette or Twinkleshine some other day. “How about you sir?” I asked a rather pudgy pegasus stallion with a light beard while fighting down my urge to ask him just how the hell facial hair worked in Equestria. “What brings you to court today?”

The pegasus stallion turned around to look at me, or Luna’s chest since that’s what he was even with, and then got all wide-eyed before looking up to our face. “Princess Luna! Thank...um...well-”

“Direct your gratitude towards my advisor Nighty,” she told the guy evenly.

Pega-Beard cleared his throat. “Ah...yes,” he said before composing himself. “Princess Luna, I am Surgeon General, the chairpony of the Equestrian Medical Association, and we would like to hold a ceremony in which we would present you with an award for the work you’ve done in reforming the rather...ahem...pointed problems present in Canterlot’s medical facilities. If I could just know when you have an opening in your schedule, we could set that date for the ceremony.”

I held up a hoof. “I’m afraid Princess Luna isn’t interested in being patted on the back for her hard work and many contributions to Equestrian Society at the moment,” I told him before stopping right there to wait and let Luna countermand my orders.

So I waited.

And waited.

And…

“Oh for the love of-Luna!” I told Moonbutt as I looked at her cutie mark. “This is the part where you say ‘Nay! Tis most agreeable to us that we should be given our richly deserved rewards along with cake and ice cream!”

Luna let out a dejected sigh. “That was you Nighty,” she reminded me. “And all we did was point out some minor foolishness involving the fact that the medical center was not fit to treat pegasi. Something many ponies already knew.”

I groaned and slumped a bit before looking ahead to the stallion. “Sorry, but Princess Luna’s a bit out of it this morning, she’s really more of a night mare,” I explained before thinking up something to get this over with. “Look, our scheduling assistant Sparkler doesn’t show up in Canterlot until noon. So if you really need to meet with her, take the first train to Ponyville and work a meeting with Luna out with her.”

“Nighty-”

“Thou’est art most correct! Twould be a capital idea old chum! Pip pip! Cheerio and...uh, all that,” I managed to say before my mouth betrayed me.

“Puth! Bul-wah! Nighty! What art thou doing?” Luna demanded as she looked back at her left flank.

After I got control of our mouth again, I looked to Luna’s right rear half. “I’m talking like you do so Dr Whatshisface doesn’t know and you turn down a much needed cheer-up-session,” I told her with a frown before wondering if it was too late to swing by the train station and stop Pinkie Pie from leaving.

Then my view shifted to the other half of Luna’s ass. “I sound nothing like that!” she told me.

“Yes, you do.”

“Neigh!” Luna replied. “Thou dost speak with an classic Trottingham accent! Our speech is that of the much more refined Unicornian Canterlot!”

There was several mumbles of agreement from all around us, and I had a startling realization of my situation. While we were simply having an animated conversation, to them, it would look like Princess Luna was having an argument with her own ass. Considering it was a positive image of the princess that I wanted to cultivate, doing such things in public was...probably not a good idea.

So I cleared Luna’s throat, and… “Ahem! Yeah, well...we’re here to tell Cadance goodbye, so…” I leaped into the air and soared over the crowd to land a foot away from the start of the line, but behind the pony that was talking to the dark princess of pinkness.

Cadance looked...incredibly bored as she sat there on a throne built for a butt that was about four sizes bigger than her. Her eyes were half-closed, and her head lowered slowly in that way when you know somebody’s about to fall asleep. She was so out of it, I don’t even think she noticed me.

The well-dressed white unicorn stallion that was talking on the other hand, he did pick up on our presence. “For the love of Celestia!” he said as he began to turn around. “Can’t you brainless rabble wait your-oh! P-Princess Luna!”

“Hello,” I greeted the agitated pony with a deadpan voice.

White Unicorn cleared his throat. “Ah. Finally, a real princess!” he exclaimed with a bit of a smile. “Now, perhaps somepony will finally be able to help me.”

“We are not here to listen to thy grievances,” Luna told what I assumed was a Canterlot noble before looking back to me. “Nighty, trot us up to our niece.”

I blinked at the pony before pushing my way through his sense of superiority and ducking under the ego that touched the ceiling on my way to Cadance as the pink demon in question jerked her head up just as it fell that final inch that would have made it clear she was dozing off. “”Oh! Auntie! Nighty! Hello,” she said with a smile before she jerked herself wide awake. “Wait! I thought you were supposed to be leaving for the diamond dog’s land. Did something happen?”

Luna shook her head. “Neigh. We simply wished to wish you a fond farewell.”

“Oh,” Cadance replied before blinking away some of the sleep that was threatening to close her eyes for a lot longer than a second. “Well in that case, would you mind doing something for me? I...forgot to grab some coffee before I came here and after last night, I could really use a pick me up.”

After letting Cadance’s excuse run around in my head for a second, I looked over to the able bodied pegasus guard standing to the right of the dais, then the one standing at attention on the left. While the Equestrian military didn’t seem to be able to handle dragons, diamond dogs, plants, or the occasional sneezing baby, I was pretty sure all the money that went into their training made them fine coffee fetchers.

But, as I looked back to the pink face of the female in front of Luna, I finally took notice of an annoying detail I was able to put out of my mind until the love monster had shoved it right in my face: Cadance was a pony.

And I couldn’t really say no to a pony.

Not even a monstrously evil, yet still somehow adorably cute one, like Cadance.

“Well...we do have a few minutes, I guess,” I said to help guide Luna in the wrong direction that would eventually have us helping Cadance. Because...you know...she was evil. And us good guys don’t help evil tyrants.

Luna nodded her head. “Very well. We shall take thy burden and allow a brief respite. Time enough to retrieve some elixir of awakening, at any rate.”

I mentally raised Luna’s eyebrow at the reply. I knew my landlord tended to revert back to her old speech patterns whenever she was excited or upset, but...what I was hearing seemed a little much.

“Thanks,” she said before leaning in to whisper to the two of us. “After listening to this blowhard for over an hour, I really need a pickmeup.”

Then Cadance began to rise, and then froze before looking back at us. “Just um, don’t let Nighty be too...tyrannical,” she said before trotting away a little too quickly.

“Wait...what?” I asked Cadance. But as I turned around to try and catch her, I found the pretty pink pony princess was already gone.

Luna cleared her throat. “Nighty, place us upon the throne if you would,” she asked/told me. “And look out to the crowd so that we might address them all, then focus on the stallion desiring our personal attention when we have finished.”

After I did as instructed, Luna cleared her throat and took a deep breath.

“Citizens of Equestria! Your Princess of the Night has come before you all to address thine individual needs. Present thyself, so we might offer relief!”

I...kept my mouth shut.

I was in a pony society after all. What Luna had just said...well...

Oh hell, I was Nightmare fucking Moon, if anybody was stupid enough to laugh or anything, I'd snap them in two.

The big white stallion looked around nervously stepped forward. “Ah-hem...yes. “Your Highness. I am D. Baiter, the head of The Committee on Unification Matters.”

So...wait, it’s like some sort of anti-racist-slash-discrimination league or something? I asked myself as I relaxed upon realizing there wasn't going to be an outbreak of giggles. Although I had to suppose that it was a good thing something like that existed, it seemed little outdated. Sure, there was some problem with the medical care a pegasus could receive in Canterlot, on top of the fact that the most important council in Equestria was 100% unicorn, along with how only ponies with horns seemed to be among the nobility and...okay, maybe there was a good reason to have ponies looking around to make sure there wasn’t any mistreatment going on but...well, I had seen how fast things could go south when it came to such organizations when it came to us humans.

Plus, the guy was a unicorn.

While I’m sure a unicorn could run run some kind of anti-discrimination league...the odds against it being on the up and up seemed...pretty low.

“Very well then, Master Baiter. What what manner of problem has thy C.U.M. brought before us today?”

And thus, did all of my worries about some kind of pony discrimination problem in Equestria disappear, to be replaced by Luna just shouting...that, for half of Canterlot to hear.

…

…

…

The entire room was silent as every single pony just openly stared up at the Princess of the Night.

And Master Baiter just kind of went… “Um...it’s uh...I...um…”

“Well? We hardly have all day. What is thy trouble that you cannot simply bring forth? Out with it already!”

The big stallion with the white coat continued to move his mouth, but no more sound came out.

“Ugh. We tire of thee. When next you show yourself to a princess, I hope this impotence that has overtaken you is no longer a problem. NEXT!”

Not a moment too soon, Cadance appeared back in the throne room’s little side exit door that she had left from with a large cup of something steamy floating next to her. “Oh, Auntie Luna,” she said with a nervous smile that I could spot from a mile away as she walked past the extremely nervous stallion. “Thank you for taking care of that for me while I was getting my coffee.”

“We…”

Luna cleared her throat as Cadance’s mane finished blowing around in the wind our word had generated. “We thank you, dear niece.”

As I got up from Celestia’s seat and got one last look at the retreating pony, my better nature got the best of me, and I couldn’t help but turn Luna’s head over to Cadance. “Out of curiosity, just what was it that he wanted, anyway?”

The halfway pleasant look on Cadence’s face died an instant later, and the pink princess let out a groan. “Same thing he always wants to talk about whenever one of those ponies shows up to court,” she grumbled with a role of her eyes before her tone took on an unpleasant edge. “How Equestria should be properly integrated, with all the earth ponies farming the land while the pegasi keep the clouds moving, and unicorns being put in charge because...well, I’m sure you’ve heard all the reasons. You know, unicorns use twenty-percent more of their brain than other ponies, and how it should be their duty to make sure the other tribes are doing their jobs properly since unicorns no longer have the honor of controlling the sun and moon.”

“Well…” Luna mumbled uneasily as she moved my gaze to focus on the wall behind Cadance. “Sister and I did take that from them. They...needed something to help fill the gap afterwards.”

Cadance frowned back at us. “You mean those two big things in the sky that overtaxed any group of unicorns that tried to move them to the point where their ability to use magic was permanently damaged and their horns unable to function?” she asked in an even tone. “Plus, haven’t those ponies you and Celestia made feel bad been dead for awhile? Even when-er, before you...um, had your...sabbatical?”

The comment got a sigh from Luna. “I have forgotten what it is like to talk to a mortal princess about matters of state and the like,” she said before she shook her head for a moment and looked Cadance straight in the eyes. “We understand your frustrations about such rhetoric and the ideals behind it. But short of using magic to reform everypony in Equestria, I doubt there will ever be a solution for stopping ponies from having dissenting opinions. Especially the kind of a foolish nature.”

“I know, I know. I’ve heard it all from Celestia before,” she replied stepping into a more rehearsed tone. “Everypony is entitled to their own opinions. Forcing an instant change in society might seem like a good idea, but that’s before you have to call the military in to ensure compliance of your new laws and stop the riots. Spreading the wealth just makes everypony poor and kills any incentive to be a success. Real princesses don’t build walls, because griffons and dragons can fly, while diamond dogs will just dig under them.”

Before Cadance could get any further, I jumped in. “Okay, so um...on that note, I’m gonna go,” I told her. “Luna’s got a schedule to keep after all.”

After a second of silent frowning at me, Cadance sighed away her tension. “That okay. I need to get back to work away,” the pink pony replied. Although as I turned to leave, she held out a hoof to stop me. When I looked back, there was some hesitation on her face. “Um...Nighty. I know we don’t have the time right now, and your nights are probably pretty busy, but...when you have time, there’s something I need-er, want to talk to you about.”

The unease in her voice made me blink. “Uh...okay,” I said before continuing on.

Unfortunately I made the mistake of looking back as the next petitioner approached, and I caught the beginning of Monty Python’s opening remarks. “Well if it ain’t the baby princess that was raised in a village consisting of a single tribe with an extremely limited education system, who ain’t got one-tenth of the life experience that either of the others got! Tell me young filly, what makes you think you can just fly around barking orders and shooting everypony with love beams?”

“I don’t even know where to begin on how wrong the mental picture you paint of me is,” Cadance deadpanned while I turned away. “First off, I shoot bursts of magic shaped like floating hearts, not beams. And if I was hitting everypony with them, the stuff coming out your mouth would actually be more pleasant than what comes out your plot. And anypony can bark orders, but the crown I’m wearing means the guards will probably do what I tell them to. Observe. Guards, escort this pony out of the throneroom. NEXT PETITIONER!”

I frowned and looked away from the stallion. “Why is it that guys like these always seem to be at the front of the line?”

Luna chuckled. “Most likely because they have nothing better to do than stand around outside the palace several hours before it is time for court so that they can be first in line,” she said. “I have found the only way to dissuade such action is by making other ponies see them for the joke that they usually are.”

After seeing some of the crowd giggle while the pony in question was carried out, I frowned and looked back to the lunar princess. “Hey Luna...when you were up on the throne...did you mean to say all that stuff?”

Luckily, we managed to get to the train station right as the last of the equipment was being loaded, so we didn’t cause much of a wait for everyone else. Once I landed, I snatched up my Toothpaste and Twinkie ponies that were checking over the paperwork in a nice big hug before nuzzling the two of them hard and carrying them into the first car that was assigned to us so I could take a seat on my oversized couch on the side of the train car with both my snuggle ponies still in my grip.

The train car was much different from the one that Celestia and I had used to get to Appleloosa. Despite the fact that it had housed two princesses, that thing had been little more than a hastily thrown together box on wheels with some benches big enough for the plumpest plots in Equestria to be parked on. The train I walked into looked...royal.

Aside from the fine accouterments that the other train car had to cover up its humble beginnings as what was probably nothing more than a large cargo box, I could tell from the lack of curtains hiding minor blemishes combined with the complete lack of minor blemishes that the train we were in had been built for carrying around royalty. Lunar royalty, if the dark purple drapes, blue carpeting and black paint job was any indication.

Trixie took a seat next to the back door that led to our sleeping car, and Moondancer came in last with a collection of books and a slide projector. Then she raised a table up from the middle of the floor before pulling down the screen to show the pictures up against. By the time the train had begun to move, Minuette had snagged some popcorn for all four of us while Twinkie managed to grab some sodas.

We were still waiting on Moondancer to get all the slides in the correct order though.

So, while Moony walked around the cramped room to shake her somewhat bouncy booty at the four of us in turn, I looked over to Trixie. “So um...Trixie...you look…” Any attempt to lie just died on my tongue. “Kind of...sad? Anything I can do to help?”

“Well, you could let her get between your legs,” Moondancer suggested.

If it wasn’t for the fact that Nightmare Moon was big enough to swallow popcorn kernels whole, I probably would have choked to death right then and there. As for the rest of my horny ponies, Minuette nearly spit out her soda, and Twinkleshine’s eyes got even rounder than they should have been. Nearly My Little Pony television show big. Meanwhile, Trixie’s face turned bright red, and she looked down at the cup between her legs before pulling her hat down to hide her face.

“M-Moondancer!” I scolded the other pony. As for Luna, I could hear her laughter inside my head.

Said unicorn looked up at me in confusion. “What?” she asked. “It’s pretty obvious she’s jealous of how you’re holding Twinkleshine and Minuette. All you need to do is spread your legs and let Trixie sit down there between them. There’d be plenty of room for all of you like that.”

Twinkleshine frowned at the nerd. “You need to get out more.”

Since it didn’t seem we were going to get any more out of the socially awkward pony than that, I grabbed Trixie up in Luna’s magic before bringing her over to the sofa the rest of us were sharing to plop her down on my tail and wrapped the little light blue pony up in a hug. As for Twinkleshine and Minuette, they got hugged by wings as they wrapped their forelegs around Luna’s pony-arms. Once we were all situated again, Luna let out a little chuckle. “Do you feel better now, my little pony?”

Trixie leaned back and nuzzled her cheek against our chest. “A little, Princess,” she admitted. “But...I...I can’t help it! I still feel jealous of Twilight Sparkle. She just has everything!”

“Envious.”

Moondancer’s correction went ignored by the train community at large as Minuette snorted. “Well welcome to the club,” she said before brightening up and offering a hoof to the other unicorn that was quickly becoming confused. “I’m the Captain, by the way.”

“Vice-captain!” Twinkleshine suddenly called out.

“I’m the secretary and fact-checker,” Moondancer added after she looked up from the projector. “Lemon Drops is the treasurer.”

For the second time today, my brain kind of just froze. Trixie’s on the other hand, it just kept going. She looked around at the three other unicorns in surprise. “Wait, you are all jealous of Twilight Sparkle too?”

Moondancer rolled her eyes. “Please, we heard about what happened in Ponyville. You’ve got no right to complain about one little incident and then be surprised the ponies that have been around her for years have more of a beef with her than you do.”

I gasped and looked around at all the girls. “Wait...what?” I cried. “But, I thought you guys were friends!”

“Uh...we are friends,” Minuette said in confusion.

“Doesn’t mean we don’t think she’s all that either,” Twinkleshine added.

“Or how all that stuff she got away with in school was in any way fair,” Moondancer went on.

Trixie blinked, and looked back to the brain of the group. “What kind of stuff?”

“Remember when the chemistry lab blew up?”

“Which time?” Trixie asked.

“Both!” all three girls said at the same time.

“Plus there was the time she turned Professor Slug Horn into a newt.”

“And when she summoned that chaotic slime that melted the west dorm.”

“Then there was the time when she turned everypony in the school into a palm tree last year. I was picking leaves out of my hair for weeks after that.”

Trixie’s mouth hung open. “T-That was HER?” the unicorn yelled in surprise as her head spun back in forth wildly to try and keep each of the three ponies in view. “But...that...she...how was she not expelled? No, buck that! How is she still allowed to even practice magic?!”

“Well…” Moondancer moaned. “I heard some of the teachers tried to get rid of her, but it didn’t do any good. Two of them actually quit when Celestia refused to do anything.”

As I finished listening to the girls, Luna spoke the question I was wanting to ask. “How do the three of you know all of this when Trixie does not?”

Minuette looked up at us. “Well, we were pretty much her only social circle, even if we were little more than a study group.”

“We were a study group to her,” Moondancer grumbled.

All of us looked over to the frowning four-eyes for a moment. Then Trixie spoke. “Yet, you all consider her a friend?”

“Eh, friend of a friend, really,” Minuette admitted.

“Acquaintance,” Twinkleshine added.

“...I’m not even sure anymore,” Moondancer said reluctantly.

I raised an eyebrow at the unicorn standing on her own four hooves. “You’re still sore about that party, huh?”

Moondancer gave me a look. It was one of those ‘unsure but annoyed’ looks that made me think she wasn’t going to answer. Before she did, that is. “Look, I understand she had important work to do. Which also explains why Princess Celestia never did anything to Twilight. She had to make sure the mare could...uh…”

“Save the world from me?” I asked with a little smirk.

“Yes, well...all things considered, I don’t think your rule would be all that bad for Equestria once adjustments were made so that the crops would be able to grow during the nighttime. If anything, the cool night air would allow for more productivity, and the reforms that have been enacted under your and Princess Luna’s watch show that Equestria needed a more firm hoof than Celestia has been providing for the past several years,” Moondancer told me with absolute seriousness after her initial recovery.

I frowned back at her. “Of course if I had never been hit by that rainbow, you’d be talking to a very different Nightmare Moon, and Luna not at all.”

Moondancer nervously licked her lips, and nodded. “I’m sorry Lady Night. I didn’t meant to-”

“Calm thyself Moondancer,” Luna told her. “My other half is quite defensive when it comes to the subject of our current state. But I thank you for your faith in my abilities.” For the first time all day, I think Luna actually accepted the praise.

At the very least, she didn’t shoot it down.

“But, like I was saying before I got distracted,” Moondancer said before frowning. “I understand she couldn’t come to my party. But it’s been weeks, and I haven’t heard anything from her! And when I did meet her, she talks about her friends, like I never mattered to her at all!”

“Well...we kinda didn’t,” Minuette reminded her, which made me and Twinkie glare at toothpaste pony.

Moondancer groaned through her teeth. “But it’s not like I hate her.”

“Um-” Trixie managed to say before Moondancer stopped her.

“This is anger! You can be angry and jealous at somepony without hating them! Especially if they just give some token effort to show they care, and then never talk to you again! Even when they’re just down the hall from where you’re working, having a slumber party! IT’S PERFECTLY NATURAL!”

Luna cleared her throat, which made Moony seize up and get all wide-eyed in terror. “Mayhap you should give us the report now Moondancer,” she said. “Concentrating on something else will give you time to calm down.”

After a few seconds, Moondancer nodded.

The three hour long presentation of the history of the first diamond dog inclusion, followed by the two hour long history of the first diamond dog western incursion that followed many years later nearly put even Luna to sleep as Moondancer droned on about how said culture was conquered by Equestria and ended up where it was today. By the time she was done, my mind was so in need of something other than diamond dogs that it went to some pretty dark places.

Like…

Well…

How exactally does masturbating with these things work anyway? I wondered as I looked at my hoof while the rest of my little ponies snuggled up to Luna’s big nightmarish body as if we were a full-body pillow.

I mean, they were hooves. Strong hooves. Really strong hooves, in fact.

I had smashed stone with my hooves. So just using them to...mess with the most sensitive of sensitive things on Luna’s body?

Yeah, it probably wasn’t the best idea.

But then...how did the ponies know that word? I continued to wonder.

It made sense. If there was no clopping…

Then…

Maybe playing with yourself was just one of those things only griffons and minotaurs could do. And ponies looked down on it, or something. Since I had missed Gilda, I’d have to wait for Iron Will to come around if I wanted to get some answers.

Although, since I did have my own walking wikipedia…

“Hey Moony?” I asked.

The unicorn looked up from her book and turned her head to me. “Yes?”

And before I could stop myself, I just opened my mouth and… “Do ponies clop?”

Moondancer blinked. “Um...yes?” she said before raising her hooves to click them together several times. “See. Why do you ask?”

I looked back up to the ceiling of our train car that appeared to be a night sky with stars made from diamonds. “...never mind.”

Thankfully, the ping pong-ish game we managed to set up using our little table in the center of the train car thirty minutes later using one of the beads from Moondancer’s hair scrunchy and four of her books to bat the thing around while we all sat in different places on the train car and tried to smack the ball into each other before I managed to think something like making out with Trixie would be a good way to pass the time.

After that, it was time for bed.

My bedroom ended up being a little on the cramped side, much for the same reason the sitting car was. In other words, Luna invited all of the girls over for a slumber party, and they all accepted. So on top of Minuette snuggling into my right side while Twinkleshine got my left wing, I had to deal with both Trixie and Moondancer taking up the spots on top of the princess.

So...yeah...we were Princess Body Pillow.

Honestly, I think Luna liked all the non-sexual physical attention. After years of being alone on a dead rock, and who knew how many before that she was isolated from the world because of her princess status, a group of ponies wanted to be her friend. The girls weren’t a bunch of caretakers Celestia had assigned to look after Luna, like some of the maids had had to put up with that first week when it took everything I had to just walk, and they weren’t friends of a friend like the girls and Twilight Sparkle kind of were. Trixie, Twinkleshine, Minuette, Moondancer...even Sparkler and the rest of her family, they were the ponies Luna had all to herself.

Okay, ourselves. But the moment I managed to jump ship, I was going to make sure they stayed with her.

So, after we went to meet with Cadance in her dreams and found one of those ‘Do Not Disturb’ kind of doors that would have had me looking at some live action pony porn, Luna had the two of us go back into the snugglefest that was our traveling bed to enjoy the presence of the other girls all around her.

Once we had put a silencing spell on Trixie to stop her snoring at any rate.

And it was there, as we laid buried in Luna’s little group that I got another idea that only comes from being much too bored.

It was an idea I had come up with before. A question, really.

Something any idiot would think to ask Luna five second after meeting her. Yet would hopefully have the courtesy not to ask if they had anything approaching a decent bone in their body.

But, once again, I couldn’t stop myself from asking. We were in a safe place, literally surrounded by friends, and...even if I had lived with them for months now, I was still a pretty big fan. So, I opened my mouth and… “Hey Luna, how did we meet?”

My mouth moved on its own. “What do you mean?”

“Well, I know how you got sealed away,” I told her. “But...that’s...you didn’t just block the sun out one day and get possessed by me, right? I mean, Nightmare Moon had to come from somewhere, right? Like...I dunno, Outside Equestria, or something?”

Luna sighed. “Outside,” she mumbled. “I see you still like to follow Celestia’s theory of how things worked out, where I was simply tricked by some monster that took advantage of my loneliness and used it against me.”

I frowned. The way Luna was speaking, I didn’t like where I was pretty sure it was going to lead. With Luna blaming herself for everything. She was just another of the Nightmare’s victims, not some kind of willing accomplice!

But...I had to know.

It had nothing to do with being a fan. If Luna was just going to discount everything Celestia said about how Nightmare Moon wasn’t her fault because of some personally held theory, I needed to hear it so I could disprove it.

“So...what do you say happened?” I asked.

Luna was silent. After a few seconds, I was caught thinking if I could ask her again or just drop it, but then she started talking. “It all started about half a dozen years before my banishment. My two best friends and my last captain of the guard were off in the Everfree, when they were attacked by a hydra. In a single day, I lost the three ponies closest to me.”

I gulped. “But, what about Celestia?”

“My envy of her had already been in bloom by then,” Luna replied.

“Like...um.” I looked down at the ponies curled up with us. “Like the girls with Twilight?”

Luna let out a minuscule groan. “In a way. I can see many similarities. After I began to raise the moon and took over the protection of Equestria’s nights, I could no longer attend the important social gatherings, and many ponies believed me to be shirking my duties when I did. That was just the beginning of course, but eventually...yes. There were many times that things Celestia did were celebrated, and when I performed the same acts, it was...frowned upon.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Ponies told you off to your face?”

“I am the Mistress of Dreams, Nighty. There are no secrets from me,” she reminded me. “But we are getting off track.

“The loss of the three most important in the world to me at once, it was...crushing,” Luna went on. “Celestia was there for me to offer comfort, but it was a distant comfort. Almost as if she was just going through the motions. She had other...duties to attend to, I guess. Couldn’t make time for me.”

For a second I thought about asking her to stop. Things were going to a dark place where I hadn’t anticipated, and I did not like what the road signs on the way there said.

But...like a wimp, I just kept my mouth shut when Luna went on. “For the longest time, I was hurt and alone. I took my pain out on whatever foolish creature was stupid enough to think it could hurt the ponies of Equestria. My reckless rage ended up costing some of my guard their lives, and so then I resolved to perform my duties alone,” she said before smirking. “Ironic, no? One of the things that drove me to you was my loneliness, which I alone am responsible for.”

“Luna-”

“Still, a pony cannot be by herself all the time,” she went on right over me. “So, I would talk. At first, I would speak to myself. After all, I could never lose myself, and I would never abandon me. Then one day, as a game, I animated my shadow. Well, I called it a training exercise at the time, but the truth of the matter was that I was just bored and wanted something to chase. After I won, I congratulated my worthy opponent and then...well, I didn’t stop talking to my shadow.

“Weeks passed, and as I slowly grew less saddened by life, I spent more and more time with...myself. I made spells that would animate my shadow in different ways, even allowed it to touch objects. I would tell it of my hopes and dreams, all the while growing more and more distant from other ponies. Then one day, after Celestia and several of her friends had angered me over a...prank that made me look the fool, I stormed back to my quarters in a rage. I vented and sparred with my shadow, all the while shouting how I hated my sister and everypony else…

“And...after I was catching my breath between all the grumbling I did over Celestia...you, my shadow, talked back.”

I blinked. “Uh...Luna...that...um...that sounds more like...uh, you...went nuts.”

Luna actually chuckled a bit. “That is what I believed as well for nearly a fortnight. It wasn’t until you and I began truly talking about things and actually disagreed with her that I realized she was her own pony. I still do not know how it happened, whether it was a combination of the spells I used to animate my shadow, or-”

“Some kind of monster that just suck in and took advantage of you,” I finished for her.

“Yes,” Luna agreed after a moment. “Or that. Whatever the reason, I had found what I had always wanted. A companion that would never leave me. A friend that would never turn on me as I thought Celestia had. Somepony to listen to my problems and comfort me when I needed it.”

As Luna took a moment to do...something, I frowned at the big piece of missing information. “Okay, but...how does having a not-imaginary friend go from being something you talk to, to something that started pulling your strings?”

“Because, when you were...born, on that day...the very first things you heard was my anger and hatred. My pride and foolishness,” she said. “Yes, you supported me. But...you...hated Celestia, you thought that I should be the princess that everypony looked up to. You even encouraged me to alter my form so that the two of us stood as equals instead of the height I wished to remain at.

“Then, as the years passed, you began to grow...resentful of your situation, until eventually-”

I clamped Luna’s mouth shut. “Wait, years? Nightmare Moon was talking with you for years, and Celestia never even noticed?”

Luna sighed. “I told you, we were very distant from one another, back then.”

“And what do you mean, resentful of my situation?” I asked.

“Although you had a mind of your own, you had no real voice, limbs or arms Nighty,” she told me. “You didn’t even have a name. You named yourself after reversing our roles. You were just a part of me. And then, one day, after years of goading from you, of being mocked by my sister, of having my work ignored, mocked, and everything else, I did as you suggested, and blocked out the sun.”

I didn’t need her to finish. “And then, our places were reversed, and...wait...is that why you don’t want me to leave?” I asked with a frown. “Because of what happened before?”

After hearing Luna’s explanation, I could kind of understand it, but...there was no way in hell I was able to accept it!

By which I meant the fact that Luna wasn’t wanting us to separate out of some sort of payback for how the original Nightmare Moon had been bound to her. Not the whole thing about Nightmare Moon being her creation. If the Tantabus could do all the shit it could do, why not have another kind of monster that used darkness instead of dreams?

“And what makes you think we can be separated?” Luna asked me in turn. “You were born from me, Nightmare Moon. And while one can take to the air to try and avoid her shadow, we shall always be reunited, in the end.”

I kept silent for a few seconds as I tried to think.

The thing was, despite what Luna had said...Nightmare Moon had gotten away from her.

I had replaced it.

Right?

So...there must have been some way to do it.

Or at least put Luna back in the driver’s seat.

Although, as the answer failed to come to me while we all laid together in a pile, I did manage to notice something.

“Hey, how many of you girls are awake?”

“Hehehe. Not me!”

“Maybe a little.”

“I am as well, Lady Nightmare.”

“...”

I sighed and raised an eyebrow at Trixie as she moved her lips. “Okay so...would you all mind not repeating a single word of what you heard tonight to anypony, ever?”

“No problem!”

“Lips are sealed.”

“Okay.”

Trixie nodded.

“Thanks,” I said.

Author's Note

And so, finally another chapter.

Took me a long time to get that BvS taste out of my mouth to where I could even think to write another Batman reference, which...this chapter doesn't have.

So, join us next time when the Dark Mare Returns!

...again.

I Teach A Dog New Tricks

The final leg for the trip to the diamond dog’s capital city was a bit cramped and frustrating. I say cramped, because even though Luna and I were foffn a train with privates rooms, some of which took up an entire car, the train was made based off designs for creatures about three-quarters of Nightmare Moon’ height. Still, it was bearable enough until Moondancer woke us up before the sun rose for a special last minute history verbal essay to ensure that I knew the bare bones basic when it came to the history of the diamond dogs.

“Well, there’s been two big injections to the diamond dog population,” I said. “The first was the group that surrendered to the Equestrians after the war. They were the ones who had land assigned to them to live in and laws forbidding them from constructing underground structures to ensure that their activity could be monitored from above by pegasi without the ponies being too invasive in the dogs’ daily lives. They were allowed to keep their form of government, but the dog’s king had to report to the regional baron for anything involving trade outside of their special district. The rulership of the diamond dog’s city state has changed throughout the years, and sometimes ponies have actually sat on the throne, although such kings or queen rarely lasted more than a month or two before the unicorn, the only tribe they’ve anointed to such a position, abdicates the throne for reasons unknown and apparently goes into exile.” As in, from Equestria. Nobody really knew what happened to the former kings and queens.

With the history of the place that Luna had been around for done, she took up the second major recorded development of the diamond dog nation. “Three-hundred years after I was banished, the remaining pack of diamond dogs returned to Equestria in an attempt to invade, as it seemed their ancestors’ attempts to conquer the lands of the gargoyles and centaurs ended in massive losses for the remainder of their species,” my landlord surmised. “Celestia felt pity for them and decided to be merciful after they attempted to begin a campaign of conquest along our western border. She trapped their army and camp followers in a spell, then declared them all protected under the first treaty and deposited them within the region given to the dogs after the first war.”

Thankfully, Luna remained in control of her face long enough that by the time I was allowed to speak, I didn’t frown. “Of course, we’re still missing a good deal of information,” I said. “Like, I know that the majority of farms in the city state are taken care of by ponies, but they were supposed to be managed by diamond dogs. You never told us about any exports that the region provides, and I don’t know anything about the history of these packs that go rogue. Like, when did it all start?”

Luna frowned. “That is a good question,” she said. “I do not remember any of these deplorable acts when I still ruled over the night. The dogs might have been antisocial, but they kept to themselves and provided for themselves, so we saw no need to intercede in their affairs. While not friendly, they were hardly the type of creatures that went around doing such deplorable acts as the group outside Ponyville did.”

Which meant it probably happened after Celestia let in the...extremely militant part of the population that came to Equestria with the intent to conquer it. I covered Luna’s face with a hoof and groaned. “Oh geeze.”

Before we even arrived I could already had an idea about what was going on.

The big picture of what was probably going on, at any rate.

But, the devil was in the details. So I decided to keep it to myself and did my best to keep an open mind. Despite there being some similarities that probably served as a baseline for civilizations as a whole, I was dealing with multiple species after all, not one species with a multitude of cultures. People were people, but there was no way in hell you could teach a mouse to act like a lion in all things.

“Is something wrong, Nighty?” Moondancer asked.

I groaned and shook my head. “No. Let’s just...go back to the history...stuff. Are their any sort of customary greetings we should do when we get there?”

I’d like to say we got to our destination on time, but...there were a few complications that ended up inconveniencing us considerably. The one that upset me the most was the fact that Trixie got train sick. While she went a whole day with no problems, the second day began with her puking on Luna’s hooves and complaining about a feeling of dizziness on top of a growing migraine that made us stop the train for a good two hours while she recovered and got a checkup from one of the military doctors, but it happened.

It turned out Trixie had a minor ear condition that made her very sensitive to certain sounds. Which an underutilized track that didn’t get much maintenance made thanks to some minor warping of the metal. So after Luna plugged her ears with a noise dampening spell, we were back on our way.

At least until the engine, well...exploded. That took another hour to fix with magic. Mostly, it just took a lot of time time to find all the pieces. The actual repairs just involved Luna piecing the contraption back together.

And don’t even get me started on the cosmic horror that decided to invade Equestria right in the middle of the train tracks. The putrid smelling slime got everywhere.

So, by the time the troop transport train arrived in Dog City, or ‘Dimondonia’ as it liked to call itself, it was half past five in the afternoon. There was the usual amount of area securing that kept me and Luna on the train while the small army of ponies that we were supposed to protect if anything actually went wrong trotted out and took a look around while announcing our presence. Which took another hour.

As for the girls, Minuette and Twinkleshine went off to speak with the leader of the dog’s community to brief him or her on what was going on while Moondancer gave me a last minute quiz on everything canine. Although, since the diamond dogs had been accorded the freedom to choose their own leadership from among their own people if they wanted to, my nerdy little advisor had little in the way of personal dossiers when it came to the leadership of the community. Which seemed to be a reoccurring problem when it came to ponies dealing with other species.

Since Trixie had come along as my guest and not some follower, I just used her for that evening’s cuddle pony while Moondancer went over everything again, making sure to stress the things she didn’t think me or Luna did justice. To be honest, I think Trixie actually enjoyed being close to Luna more than any of my other girls ever did with the way she tried to dig a hole in our chest with her cheek. When we were done with the snuggly briefing, she agreed to accompany me out of the train.

“I’ve never been to this part of Equestria,” Trixie told me as she lifted her saddle bag of tricks onto her back while I was getting Luna’s new silvery princess stuff on. “These poor canines have yet to have the honor of being amazed by the Great and Powerful Trixie!”

I smiled at my little pony’s little rearing up and held in a snicker. She might have sucked at the thing her cutie mark said she was supposed to be good at, but she could put on a show. “Okay, my little pony,” I told her. “Just be sure to not cause a diplomatic incident or anything.”

The train station was a pretty good ways from the city, so went spend the next ten minutes going from the little stop that was little more than a building and a platform, across a rather large river that flowed around the island where all the dogs in the city lived, and finally to the walls of Dog City itself, which a nice fifteen-feet construction of bricks and cement that went around the mid-sized town in a circle.

One thing I did notice that seemed to be missing from the town before I even went past the wall was a castle. They had a king, didn’t they? Didn’t kings have castles?

“Captain,” I greeted Nightwing when I met the bat-pony at the entrance to the city before looking at the wooden gates. “Everything in order?”

“Yes, Lady Night,” Luna’s bat pony replied in his usual dark tone.

That was one thing I liked about Nightwing. He had the least personality of any pony I had ever met, but he got the fact that I wasn’t a princess, just a passenger. Although that was enough to warrant a noble title. Considering the other nobles I had met, I didn’t know if I should have felt insulted for it or not.

He spared a glance at Moondancer, then looked back to us. “Your other two aides are awaiting you at the town’s meeting hall.”

I replied with a quick nod of thanks before Luna gave him some verbal praise, then used her magic to crack open the gate enough for us, Trixie, and Moondancer to get through. So, town hall, and no castle, I surmised. Maybe it was like a yarl’s hut or...something.

“Now, let us see this wonderful land of,” Trixie said as she trotted into the city, only to stumble and stop. “Diamond-dumpia.”

I frowned at Trixie’s words and followed her out to see that while not literally right, the city looked...well...they were better off the griffons, at least.

Maybe.

Honestly, I hadn’t seen Griffonstone with my own eyes yet, so I couldn’t really judge.

But the place was pretty...dumpy. Buildings that would have made the ponies living in Starlight Glimmer’s village feel fortunate for what they had were set up in odd locations, some of which were well away from the cobblestone paths that served as the town’s streets. On top of the disorder, paint jobs that should have redone a decade ago did little to cover the cracks in the walls and other general lack of repair to anything. Including roofs with multiple tiles missing, a fountain that was more than half gone, and vines growing everywhere they possibly could.

As my little entourage made its way to the center of town I took the time to look into the windows to see that all of the dogs I caught a glimpse of ran away from me faster than ponies did from Luna during Nightmare Night. Then we got to the center of the large village and I noticed a definite lack of a town hall.

Instead, the place was a big open space market. By which I mean there were stands showing off rather dry-looking food and clothes that would of had Rarity gagging next to the odd stand of clothing with golden frills, tassels, and long feathers sticking out of caps.

Not wanting to look like an idiot, I turned my attention to Moondancer. “So, now that we have seen this place’s chief commerce area, where is the center of government?”

“This way, Princess,” Moondancer told me.

When we got to the town hall at the rear end of town, which looked it had been a little more kept up than the rest of the place, Trixie cleared her throat before we even reached the stairs to the front door. “Well, I have fun ah...princessing, you two,” she said. “I’m off to show these dogs the wonder that is Trixie!”

“Fare thee well, my little pony,” Luna said before I cleared her out of our throat. “Uh, Trixie, don’t you want to come in?”

Trixie gave me a flat look. “And spend the rest of the day hearing about a bunch of boring politics?” she asked before her snorting eye roll told me how much that idea appealed to her. “Since we will be here for the next three or four days, Trixie needs to go around and attract some attention for her show. And ah, no offense to either of you, but that’s not going to happen with your royal countenance around.”

I had to admit, she had a point. Despite having next to no guards around me, the diamond dogs had cleared the street from the gates to my current location. “Okay, just um…” I looked back at the two pegasus guards who had followed me in. “You two go with her.”

“No!” Trixie whined. “Princess Luna, if I take royal guards with me, then nopuppy will want to see me demonstrate my talents! Tell them not to come.”

Luna turned her head sideways, and I could feel her put on a stern look as she spoke to the air since we didn’t have a mirror handy. “She has a point. Let her be, I am certain that no one will approach her if the guard stands by to intimidate any misbehaviors from occuring.”

I groaned my displeasure of the idea, but Luna was the one with the crown, so Trixie just trotted off with her saddlebags full of magic tricks to attract attention for a show she would be putting on tomorrow night. As soon as she left, I made my way into the mayor’s office, where a trio of canines were waiting along with Twinkie and Toothpaste.

The office room was a decent-sized place, with a wooden floor and large desk in the back along with windows big enough for Luna to walk through behind it that gave a nice view of the river and an...outhouse, of all things. A large red carpet covered about three-fourths of the floor, while sparsely populated bookshelves full of old bones, gems, and very little reading material took up the left and right walls.

“Girls,” I greeted them with a nod before looking over to the five dogs standing on the carpet across from them. Two of them had gray coats and were in nothing but collars and jackets, but the other three had a bit different dress.

The first was a short, stout dog that looked to be a mix of bloodhound, pointer, airedale, and a hunting breed. He wore a red collar with no spikes on it as well as an aviator’s cap.

The second was the biggest of the three, tall enough to meet Luna eye to eye a dark brown dog who wore no clothes at all besides his collar.

The third looked to be either a short bulldog, or some kind of pug, full decked out in poofy clothes that covered him from neck to paw. He was the one that stepped forward to greet us. “Hello, dark pony. I am Chancellor Scruffles. Shake,” he said as he held out a hand.

Luna looked at it for a moment before speaking. “We would rather not,” she said before turning her attention to the other two dogs. “And your companions?”

Scruffles looked over to the other two. “This is Mayor Scooby,” the dog said as he gestured towards the big brown dog. “And our head executive, Muttley.”

Not being in charge of our face at the moment of that announcement, I didn’t roll my eyes, perform a mouth drop, groan, or anything else that I really wanted to do after being introduced. “Odd,” Luna said. “Should not your community only have one of those positions?”

“Doesn’t Equestria have two princesses?” the dog replied.

Luna smirked. “Actually, the number of princesses Equestria currently holds is a matter of debate. Although, as you obviously mean my sister and myself, we fulfill different duties and each act as a check and complement to the other,” she said. “While here, I would be interested in hearing how your particular form of government came about. The last I remember, you all had a king you called a...pack leader, I believe it was.”

It could have been my imagination, but I could have sworn I saw the three dogs tense for a moment.

But as soon as it came, the moment was gone, and Scruffles was talking again. “It’s simply really, since true executive power is derived from the people, and the chief executive serves at the will of the people,” he said. “So, because some of the dogs wanted me to do the job, and some dogs wanted Scooby, and others wanted Muttley, we all got it.”

So they all ran for election, and everybody won? That didn’t really seem like a workable system of government. Well, at least they put the guy who could speak full sentences in charge.

Luna blinked. “I...see,” she said. “Do you all have different duties, then?”

“No,” Scruffles told her. “We all have the same job.”

A brief silence followed, after which Luna had to break when the dogs didn’t volunteer anything. “Well, as it is much too late in the day for a public gathering, we shall retire.”

“Rerire?” Scooby said as years of experience with his language allowed me to translate it in real time. “But you just got here! Who will beg for forgiveness if not big black princess?”

So much for full sentences, I thought to myself with a frown. Both at the stupidity of the dogs and that ‘beg’ comment. “It means we’re going to bed,” I told them when Luna just cocked her head at the semi-gibberish that the Scooby Doo double said. Mutley laughed at the bigger dog’s lack of understanding. “Be sure to have all of you dogs gathered for the big apology tomorrow.”

The non-reference character brightened up. “Oh yes! We will be looking forward to watching you beg!”

Luna frowned and looked back at the dogs as I decided that getting out now would be preferable to her going off on them. “Oh, it shall be quite the memorable event,” she said evenly with her head turned away from the door.

We spent the rest of the day taking a very short tour of Dog City and the surrounding farmland to talk to some of the ponies that ran the farms, which were few and far between. Most of them were earth ponies that couldn’t get work elsewhere, or were the third daughter of the family and wouldn’t be inheriting anything. So they came to this end of Equestria to make a living for themselves. But, the diamond dogs weren’t sociable with them at all. Most left after a few years since the money they got for farming dog land was heavily taxed by the same creatures that depended on them to for food.

The unsuitable food supply, the odd way they governed themselves, the fact that the two Hanna Barbera references barely that barely said a word...everything about Dog City just felt wrong. And I mean super weird kind of wrong. Not the normal kind of wrong or weird Equestria usually experienced. Both of them. Together.

Plus, there was something else that had been getting on my nerves since we decided to stay in a hotel rather than back on the train…

“Come and see big stupid pony beg dogs for forgiveness tomorrow! Lots of laughs!” a dog called out from the street below as he went around announcing the news. He was the third one I had seen since coming back from the outlying farms, all of them had their own take on the announcement. There was stupid pony, dumb pony, and stinky ugly pony with the wrong color on her fur.

Luna didn’t think I had a right to be mad at the last guy, as it was her body he had been insulting, not our intelligence.

The rest of my party looked about as annoyed with the whole situation as I was, judging by the frowns on Minuette and Twinkleshine’s faces. Moondancer was reading one of her books, and Trixie...wasn’t around. The last bothered me quite a bit. Sure, it was Trixie, but she was still a pony.

I looked up at the room’s clock and frowned. “Hey girls, did Trixie mention when she would be back?”

“No,” Twinkleshine repled.

“Come laugh at stupid pony! She beg good!”

Minuette looked over to the two of us. “Uh, just to be sure, Princess. You aren’t actually here to do that, right?”

Luna snorted. “The only creatures that will be begging tomorrow will be the canines after I demand recompense for the damage their kin caused and restrict Equestria’s access to their farmland to only non-equines,” she growled. “If they wish to mock us, I see no reason to provide them with a labor force.”

“Does anypony else think this place is weird?” I asked before Luna could start on some rant that ended with her breathing fire or something.

Moondancer looked up from her book. “I’ll say it weird,” she replied. “They don’t have a library, or even a place to store their public records! I thought I could finally get some information on this place for future generations. Maybe even publish an academic paper or two. But, no. What type of town doesn’t have records?”

“The type that doesn’t do maintenance, grow their own food, or even bother with a sensible form of government, apparently,” Minuette said without her usual mirth.

“Tis much changed from when I visited last,” Luna said. “Yet, not in the ways one would expect.”

I frowned at that. Luna only slipped back into ye old English when she was thinking about something that took up too much processing power to talk correctly. “What do you mean?”

“Twas more than a thousand years ago, but they had all of these things back then,” Luna told me. “There were several dogs that even left the town in search of work, helping to construct irrigation canals and the like. Twasn’t as magnificent as a pony community by any stretch of the imagination, without talents to build grand structures and what not, but the canines did well for themselves. One could even admire their attempts to emulate our more gentle ways without a mark upon their flanks.”

I looked away from the window she had us gazing out and back to our cutie mark. “And what were you expecting?”

Luna snorted. “Something much grander than this,” she said. “The hamlet looks even smaller that what was constructed a thousand and more years ago.”

All of a sudden, I got a very bad feeling in the back of my head. Dog City didn’t just not make sense in a kid’s show kind of way anymore. It didn’t make sense in the small community was home to an evil cult that fed tourists to Cthulhu kind of way. “Girls, we need to get the three of you back to the train where all the guards are.”

“Uh, wouldn’t that make the dogs upset for refusing their hospitality?” Twinkleshine asked.

I looked up from where Luna was laying on the three beds that had to be pushed together just to give me and her enough mattress to sleep on, and over to the third pony in the room with us that was forced to sleep on the floor because the dogs said this was the only pony room in the inn. “I honestly couldn’t care less,” I told her before looking up at the horn above my eyes. “Luna, pop us out, would you?”

After we teleported the girls out and met with the night guard, that didn’t have to be roused at all since it was, you know...night. Luna, Nightwing and I briefly discussed what we needed to do in order to see if my suspicions about the dogs holding Tixie up somewhere for some kind of pure-hearted virgin sacrifice were true.

Which I had to wonder if Trixie qualified for in any way at all.

While Luna didn’t share my fears about Trixie’s life being in danger, she did agree that something else had to be going on other than what we were seeing. So, after Nightwing did a quick passover of the village with some of his lunar pegasi too high up to be seen in the dark but much closer than normal, Luna decided our plan of action.

“Nighty and I shall scout the area on our own,” she announced.

Nightwing cleared his throat. “Highness, I must object. We can-”

“Fly, put up a good fight, and do several other things that include making a great deal of noise, my Captain,” Luna told him before he could finish. “Even if I were to dapen such sounds, the noses of the canines would still detect our approach, and making a party completely hidden is beyond Nighty’s abilities. Only she and I may move about without raising alarm. Something that must be done if Nighty’s fears about her dear Trixie are correct.”

I nodded, or half nodded before frowning and looking back to Luna’s flank. “Wait, what do you mean, dear?” I asked. I hated Trixie, as much as someone could hate a pony that wasn’t Starlight Glimmer, anyway. She was whiny and annoying. The only blue pony for me had a rainbow mane.

“Do you not care for her a great deal?” Luna asked in confusion.

I sat Luna down and crossed her forelegs. “Not at all.”

To which Luna smirked. “Methinks she doth protest too much.”

Once again, I opened my mouth to tell her off, but...well, the fact Luna managed to say that corny line while meaning every damn word...yeah, I couldn’t ruin it with a comeback. So, I just horse-snorted and headed towards the door. “Yeah, yeah. Come on, we need to pull Trixie’s plot out of whatever she’s got it stuck in.”

“Very well,” Luna said. “Now, follow my instructions on this precisely. The magic is is quite...tricky.”

About ten seconds after we started making our way through Dog City, I understood why Luna didn’t want to bring anyone with us. You know, aside from the general uselessness of the guards. Not that I thought that all of the Lunar Guard was useless. I had trained with them, after all. But...it’s not like they were SEALs.

She led me through a complex exercise that was more like flight magic or pegasus cloud bursting than anything done with a horn. It was a completely new experience, for which there aren’t enough of the correct descriptors in the English language to explain.

Long story short, Luna led me through weird physical exercise and the next thing I knew, I was this floating blob of shadow. No actual mass or anything like that, just...darkness. On top of which, I didn’t have eyes, a nose, ears, or anything else like that, but I was still aware of my surroundings in the weirdest way. That is, I didn’t hear sound, or see shapes, it was more like I just felt anything I needed to be aware of. Even then, it was still pretty muted, as there was no sensation of hot or cold. There was no color or real sense of distance beyond what I personally experienced. The whole thing made me feel kind of like a blind fish in the ocean.

We spent about half an hour with me just darting this way and that, feeling my way around as I got used to the different sensation of being a mass of shadow while we searched the city. But, seeing as how we were just searching for Trixie, I had to come up with something worthwhile to do so the evening wouldn’t be a total waste of time. “Hey Luna, I was thinking, we need a battlecry.”

“Pray tell, what brought this on?” Luna ‘said’ as we crossed the street in a lightless flash.

I tried to shrug, or maybe I did, it was hard to tell when I was just a massless blob of night. “Just something I was thinking of,” I told her. “You plan to be getting into a lot more fights than the normal pony, right? So, we need a battlecry. Something to demoralize our opponents and uh...stuff.”

Even though we didn’t have a body, I got the feeling that Luna was given me a half-lidded look. “I can see that you put a great deal of thought into this.”

“Hey! I’ve had other stuff on my mind too ya know!” I shot back before we darted to another shadow. “I’m just saying, it’d be cool if if we had a battle cry. Uh, as long as it’s not something silly, like...spoon, or...something.”

Luna snorted. “Very well, I shall consider the matter,” she said. “Now quiet, our prey is approaching.”

It took me a minute to pick up on what Luna had detected. Two shapes were coming towards us, both of whom were dogs. They appeared to be about the same size and build of the background soldier dogs that Cadance and I ran into beneath Ponyville.

“Pack leader call meeting tonight?” the one on the right side said.

“Pack leader call meeting,” the other dog replied. “He got big news for us all tonight. You dig?”

I...well, I tried to blink at the weird sensation of hearing creatures talk without ears. It wasn’t really hearing, either. While there was a difference in volume between the two, it sounded more like two characters had the same voice actor, who didn’t have enough talent to make more than one voice.

As they got closer, I managed to make out a pair of name tags on their dog collars. The one on the right was Rob, while the other dog had the name Don.

“This dog digs,” Rob replied. “This dog digs deep.”

Once they passed us, I felt Luna shift our attention to the dogs. “Follow them,” she ordered.

I did as told, not even needing to be all that careful. We made no noise and gave off no scent, so they dogs didn’t even bother to look behind them. Even if they did, I wasn’t sure they could have noticed anything. It was pretty late after all, and my senses weren’t working like normal. For all I knew, it was pitch black to the point that nobody would have seen anything even if they had looked right at Luna.

When they got to town hall, the dogs went around to the back of the building where there was a large outhouse. Then they went inside. As in one at a time and didn’t come out.

Yeah, the suspiciousness of it all made us look inside.

The lack of a nose helped.

Needless to say, we didn’t find what we were supposed to when I followed them inside. Instead of a crap filled hole in the ground with a seat on top of it, there was...a hole in the ground. A really, really deep hole that looked too deep to be a smart option for a latrine. Not to mention big. The thing was big enough for one of the dogs to fall in for crying out loud. It looked more like one of those holes that Cadance and I found outside of Ponyville that led to the underground network of tunnels.

In other words, it was an entrance hole.

Probably to some big underground network of tunnels where the diamond dogs did...stuff.

Okay, so I wasn’t that all-knowing when it came to stuff like this. Sure, it was pretty obvious that the dogs were up to no good. But considering the intelligence of the creatures that were outright mocking Luna to her face with their street announcements while thinking they were being clever and the fact I was in Equestria, it didn’t seem like there was some big master plan of ultimate evil going on. On the other hand, these guys had apparently eaten ponies before. It didn’t take a genius-level intellect to be a psychopath.

We went down the dog hole and found it led to a large tunnel a good fifteen feet down. Thankfully, the thing only went in one direction, and we weren’t that far away from the two dogs we’d been following. We caught up to them quickly. “Hey Luna,” I ‘said’ to my landlord without the use of a mouth. “Didn’t Moondancer say that dogs weren’t allowed to have underground structures anymore?”

“Yes,” she replied with her perturbed voice. “Celestia and I had the canines that surrendered to Equestria after the war give up their subterranean lairs. We even chose this land specifically to house them because the river would act as a natural barrier. Diamond dogs are poor swimmers, and mud presents several problems for them when it comes to digging through it as they are used to.”

If had an eyebrow, I would have raised it. “Like?”

“The diamond dogs don’t just travel through the earth effortlessly, they can breathe through it as well. Muddy ground prevents them from doing so, and the water remains when they use their magic to move the earth with their paws,” she explained.

Our conversation was cut short when we reached the end of the hallway and found what was waiting for us. It took me a few seconds to absorb the details of our location, but when I did, it left me impressed. From what I could tell, we were in a big cavern of a room under the town’s square. There were eight other tunnels leading out from it, probably with the same type of hidden entrances/exits Luna and I had just came from.

As for the camber itself, the place was like a mid-sized amphitheater dug into the ground. We were at the top and the rows of steps and seats led down to a flat, half-circular area. I had no idea how the place was lit up, although I didn’t detect anything like outcroppings of long sticks that could have been lit. Once again, the muted senses of the night form Luna had told me to take only gave me an incomplete picture.

I noticed enough though. There were a lot of dogs already gathered, and by the time all of them had shown up, their total numbers had to be somewhere between one-hundred and twenty to one-fifty. While it wasn’t anywhere near the number of canines Dog City could house, with Moondancer telling me that number being somewhere in the four to five hundred range, one-fourth of the population was still enough of a chunk to be worrisome.

Then, the top dog showed up.

He didn’t need an introduction or anything, I could tell he was in charge just by the way he entered the place, which was by digging his way up from the bottom of the amphitheater stage. He was a big muscled brute of pitbull, about twice the size of any of the other dogs, with a big underbite and a pair of teeth that nearly came up to his nose.

He raised his front hands up above his head, and let out a loud roar.

All of the other dogs howled at the action.

“Hey Luna, you see Trixie anywhere?” I asked. She was probably a lot more used to looking at things the way we were right now, and I’ll admit, the big dog was kind of distracting.

“Unfortunately, no,” she replied.

“WHO IS TOP DOG ON WORLD?” the big diamond dog shouted loud enough to be heard over his adoring public.

“PACK LEADER IS TOP DOG!” all of the other canine’s yelled back.

“WHO IS TOP DOG UNDER WORLD?” the big diamond dog shouted.

To which the dozens of adoring fans replied, “PACK LEADER IS TOP DOG!”

And, I had the sneaking suspicion that Luna and I were...okay, I’m going to say it...barking up the wrong tree. What I saw beneath me appeared to be more like a pro-wrestler pumping up a crowd, not some evil mastermind that was plotting revenge against the pony race.

“So, Pack Leader hear that stupid ponies come back to Diamondonia!” the big dog said in a loud voice, getting a boo from the crowd. “Stupid ponies want to apologize for what happen to diamond dogs that went hunting.”

As the crowd broke out into laughter, I wished I had some eyes to roll.

“Maybe Pack Leader have fat pony kiss his tail!” the dog shouted, getting another cheer from the crowd.

At which point, I turned my attention back to Luna. “Maybe we should get going. This idiot is just a bag of hot-”

“And Pack Leader have surprise for you all tonight!” the big dog yelled before looking back to the flat wall of the amphitheater. “Bring the pony!”

I quickly shut up when a pair of dogs dug a tunnel out of the wall and walked into the cavern, pulling a chain behind them as another voice rang out from the tunnels. “Hey! Hey let me go! What are you doing? You said you were going to make me your queen!”

Even without ears to detect a tone, I knew who was talking. Although, the whole queen comment threw me off, not to mention Trixie’s appearance. Judging by her...outline, she didn’t have her cape or hat on. The only thing that let me tell it was Trixie, other than the obviousness of it all I mean, was her telltale mane style.

There was something off about her, though. There was a...thing around her head, to which the chain was attached. With the queen comment, I...guess it could have been a crown, although the chain on it...I couldn’t help compare it to a collar and a leash.

Luna directed me to move us up on the ceiling of the place. “Still think this isn’t the place?” she asked.

Despite my lack of a face, I did my best to frown at her. “Okay so...now what? We transform back, swoop in and save her?”

“Stupid pony!” Pack Leader said. “We tell all ponies that can make and find gems like you at first! Then you put on collar, and now you are gem hunter for life!”

“WHAT?” Trixie shouted. “No, you don’t understand! That was just a magic trick!”

“Neigh,” Luna told us. “Trixie is too close to the canines. If we move now, she might be injured before we can change back into a solid form and act. We must wait for them to present the right moment to us.”

Pack Leader laughed. “HA! Yes. Pony has magic to turn rocks into gems! No need to even leave city anymore! Pony just make all the shines right here!”

“No, no! You don’t understand,” Trixie tried to explain. “It’s not real magic. I don’t actually turn the rocks into gems, I just distract you with some smoke and mirrors, and then swap the rocks out for some cheap gems. I can’t even do transmutation! It’s just a cheap trick I thought up while working on a rock farm!”

Pack Leader looked down at the little horse. “Pony think Pack Leader is stupid?”

The question made Trixie blink. “Well...yes,” she said after a moment’s consideration. “But that’s beside the point. I can’t do what you want me to. I don’t think anypony can. Gems have mystical-affecting properties and being able to just consume them-”

“PONY CALL PACK LEADER STUPID?” the dog roared before grabbing Trixie’s leesh and hauling her up to his face.

Trixie let out a terrified shriek. “W-Well, you asked me!” she said before giving him a nervous smile. “Now, since I can’t actually do what you need me to, how about you just let me go, and we can all forget this ever happened? Or, can you at least let me down? Being held in the air like this is giving Trixie a bad headache.”

The big diamond dog growled at Trixie for a second then held her back. “If stupid pony not give Pack Leader gems, then Pack Leader eat pony’s heart!”

I tensed. Mentally, I mean. “Uh Luna...is it time yet?”

“Not yet,” she told me.

Trixie let out another scream. “WHAT? Y-You can’t do that! Princess Luna will-”

“HAHAHAHA!” The diamond dog laughed hard enough to clutch his gut and drop Trixie, who quickly scampered away towards the door she had been pulled in from, only to have it blocked by the two dogs that had held her leash not five minutes ago. Trapped between the three canines, the little pony just looked back and forth for a second before crouching down in fear while her former handlers slowly approached.

“How about now?” I asked a second before Luna gave her response.

As Trixie trembled in fear, the big dog turned around to address the crowd. “Stupid pony think fat princess will save her!” he howled as we dropped from the ceiling, me willing the transformed state to end and reforming halfway down. “If she were here, Pack Leader would show her what we do to stupid ponies who think they smarter than dogs!”

I landed right on top of Trixie, Luna’s nightmare-length legs giving me plenty of room to absorb the shock without actually falling on top of my little pony. With my senses returned to normal, I got an actual view of the amphitheater and saw that it was lit by a dozens of small glowing gems embedded in the walls that gave the eyes of the dogs enough light to see. The big dog’s coat was a sickeningly pale white, and he had blood red eyes glared back at us in surprise.

Trixie let out an excited gasp from her place between our legs. “Nightmare! Luna!”

“Alright then, mongrel,” Luna said in a tone that brokered no nonsense. “Show us.”

All of the dogs sat and stood silent at our sudden appearance.

I quickly did my best to come up with some kind of plan to deal with the situation. With Luna’s magic, I was pretty sure we could subdue the army of diamond dogs in some kind of paralysis field, then use a sleep spell to put them under one by one before we dragged the whole lot of them out into the night to be arrested. Or, if Luna wanted to go for something more dramatic, with us and the big dog having a showdown of some sort, she could transmute the ground around us to mud before creating a light mist to stand on. It would allow us full mobility while stopping the diamond dog boss from being able to dig his way behind us or escape. Then I could work on his joints, maybe use Luna’s sharp horn to cut him above the eye, so the blood would block his vision. We could widdle him down, bit by bit.

“Nightmare, I will speak. You can handle the rest,” Luna told me, thus killing all of my plans.

“Uh oh, leader be mad now,” Don said before the other dogs could recover. “He get all berserk.”

“Leader be chomping down on pony now,” Rob agreed.

The dog apparently took the comment to heart, and charged at me and Luna with his arms spread wide and his mouth open wide in a yell.

As for me, I was...okay, yeah...I was a bit...very, very frightened.

Diamond dogs against me with Luna in control of her horn? Easy.

Diamond dogs against me with Luna NOT controlling her horn? I was gonna get Luna’s ass kicked.

Trixie was gonna get eaten.

AND WE WERE ALL GONNA DIE!

The panic quickly spread throughout my body and...I did any normal person turned horse would do. I reared up and...got a little confused with Luna sucked in a deep breath.

“IMPERATRIX REX!”

The sound of Luna’s booming Canterlot voice filled the chamber, assaulting the sensitive ears of the diamond dogs with its volume and stopping the pack leader’s charge with the force it generated. Then, emboldened by Luna’s battlecry...and the massive opening my opponent was giving me combined with his inability to fight back, I flapped my wing to change the direction of my retreat into a change, and slammed both of Luna’s hooves right into the big diamond dogs face.

I was expecting...I don’t know, maybe some fist/hoof fighting, or something, but once again...my expectations crumbled because...well...ponies.

Hell, Applejack can put several tons worth of force into her kicks, and being an alicorn of twice the earth pony’s size with some kind of eldritch abomination giving her even more power, Luna’s strength was several times that. So, when I hit the dog with Luna’s hooves, there was an audible crunch before his head went flying back, leaving behind a trail of blood and teeth in the air as before his whole body impacted the first row of stands.

The big bad dog laid there with a lower jaw that had caved in from the force of Luna’s hooves. “”Gurah. Goo grag ga,” he said as he just of just laid there, dazed but not quite out as his followers sat there, mute after watching me and Luna one-shot their boss.

I walked Luna forward, sparing a glance at Trixie to make sure she was alright. Luna apparently took this as her cue to work some magic, and broke the collar that had been wrapped around Trixie’s head like some kind of stupid crown. As for me, I decided to get in a few words. “What happened?” I asked the dog in a humorless voice. “I thought you were going to show me something. Teach this pony her place.”

By the time I got over to the dog to loom over him, the guy was coughing up blood. “Well I’ve got a lesson for you, stupid puppy,” I said before raising my hoof to deliver another blow to the monster that had threatened to eat my friend. “Trixies aren’t for dogs.” And then I brought the hoof down, putting an end to the dog’s squirming about.

With that done, Luna cleared her throat and looked up at the assembled canines who were...looking on with a weird mix of fear and awe. “Now,” she said. “Does any puppy else wish to try and show me something?”

After Luna took down the alpha dog, things started going a lot easier for us for the rest of our stay. Dogs stopped snickering behind our backs and did whatever the hell we told them to as quickly as they could. Which included cooperating with Moondancer in getting me and Luna some answers on just what hell happened to bring down what should have been by all measures, a thriving community. But, there were a few obstacles for that even with the entire city’s cooperation, and the whole thing ended up taking a better part of two days.

Once we finished reading the report, I put down the thirty pages of penscratch and looked over to bookhorse-light. “So, let me get this straight,” I said. “About seven-hundred years ago, Celestia let the defeated remnants of the diamond dog forces that had tried to conquer the western lands where the centaurs and gargoyles lived, but got their plots handed to them.”

Moondancer nodded, then had to reach up and adjust her glasses. “I wouldn’t have put it so...eloquently, but...yes.”

“While the dogs that had surrendered one-thousand years previously had decided to do their best to adapt to living by Equestria laws, no longer digging holes and eating only fruits and vegetables, the warrior society that Celestia just threw into the mix weren’t.”

The surmierization got another nod from Moondancer. “Correct. From the stories that have been passed down, which I’ll admit don’t seem to be many, this new group of dogs attempted to force Diamond City to...go back to their roots,” she said.

Luna frowned at the amicable description Moondancer used. “I would hardly be so kind. They adopted the ruling system of might makes right and killed any creature that disagreed with them. They forced the rest of their kind to give up tilling the land or traveling Equestria to use their particular skills for the betterment of all.”

“Since they were the only ones that had any martial skills, the rest of the population didn’t have much they could do to resist,” I continued. “And to make sure that none of the other dogs saw how much better everything was before, they outlaws reading and writing.”

At that, Moondancer cleared her throat. “Pardon me, Nightmare,” she said. “I do not believe the reason writing was banned in Diamond City was quite so...sinister. As mentioned in my report, the reason the war dogs did away with writing was the same reason they forbid any dog to farm, it was something the ponies had introduced to the canine society. Which they viewed as a...corrupting influence. Only the city officials are allowed to take on the burden of ah, knowing what pony pictures mean, as they put it.”

I still didn’t buy it. The farming...okay, I could believe that. On top of which, well...you could feed dogs grains, and peas and fruits, and they could live off of them. There were plenty of vegetarian nut-jobs out there that tried to force their beliefs on animals that weren’t built to work that way. But I could guarantee you that any one of those dogs on a veggie diet would kill for the chance to eat what they naturally craved.

But the writing? Having people, or any species really, so messed up they willingly choose to be illiterate as a point of...what? National pride? Some kind of philosophical or religious thing? That just kind of rubbed me the wrong way. You kept people stupid to control them. There was a reason that teaching slaves to read was illegal way back when, and it had nothing to do with the idea that it was just too complex for them to learn.

You keep people stupid, unable or worse, just unwilling to hear an opinion different from the one their being spoon fed, and they might start asking questions.

But then again, I was dealing with an alien species that had a dog’s lifespan here.

“So a small minority that was willing to do violence held the majority hostage for a generation and created a ruling class that continued the tradition throughout the centuries,” Luna finished surmising.

I took up the conversation. “The question how is...how to fix it?”

“AWHOOOOOOOOO!”

I let out a groan as it sounded like every single dog in the city howled at the exact same time. “Ugh! Do they have to do that every single night?”

“It is the traditional showing of feality for diamond dogs,” Luna reminded me. “Giving one’s allegiance to the leader of their pack, or in this case, the symbol that best represents my authority.”

In other words, the sound I was hearing was every single dog in town howling at the moon.

Getting back on topic, I used Luna’s magic to shut the blinds on the window. “So...now what? We bus in a bunch of teachers and junk to teach the dogs how to read and use basic farming techniques as well as...what? Open a friendship school to teach them how to get along and pick leaders that don’t involve beating others to a pulp?” I asked. The idea seemed way too corny. Even for My Little Pony.

“An excellent idea!” Luna said. “We shall instruct these canines in Equestria’s doctrine of friendship.”

I blinked. Wait...did Luna just say we’re going to indoctrinate the diamond dogs? As in...brainwash? Wasn’t quite sure how I felt about that.

“By the way Luna,” I said. “Are you sure we don’t need to...I don’t know, ship every last one of those dogs we saw in the underground arena straight to Tartarus?” They were cheering the idea of Trixie getting eaten after all.

Luna snorted. “The diamond dogs are simple creatures. By defeating their leader in single combat, we proved our superiority according to their own rules, something it would seem my sister was a bit lax in doing, judging by how they laughed at her constantly. Twould seem that Equestria truly has suffered from a lack of harsh hooves in these past thousand years.”

I glanced over at the clock and sighed. It was ten PM, time to take care of more important things than the rebuilding, reeducating, and restructuring of an archaic alien society. “Okay, looks like it’s time to turn in.”

Luna yawned. “Agreed,” she said before looking down at the pony in front of us. “We shall see you on the marrow, fair Moondancer. Before you though, tell Twinkleshine to draft a letter. I want some of the bureaucrats in Canterlot to come upon next train. We will require several ponies to help organize this mess before we pass it off to a new governor.”

After giving Moony my goodnights, I trotted out of the city and across the water to where Luna’s train was waiting for us, surrounded by guards. We gave Nightwing a little nod, then went inside to our sleeping car, where there was already a pony in our bed.

As soon as we stepped inside, her head shot up and a point of light appeared on her horn. “Princess?” Trixie asked in a panicked voice. “Is that you?”

“Tis us, young Trixie,” Luna assured the frightened unicorn before I walked over and flopped down on the mattress. “Everything is fine. You are perfectly safe here.”

The little unicorn did her best to bore into Luna’s coat as we hugged her tightly. “Are we leaving tomorrow?” she asked. “Trixie wants to go back to Canterlot.”

I gave her the bad news. “It’s still going to be a day...or two,” I said as I ran a fetlock down the little pony’s mane. “But don’t worry, Trixie, I’ll always be here to protect you.”

I Learn Never to Argue in Front of the Kids

“Come on come on come on! Let’s go let’s go go go go!” I said as I skipped in place on Luna’s front legs while I waited for my toothpaste pony and her friend to get into the batmobile. Or the bat-themed chariot that I had talked Luna into approving.

Minuette giggled that little giggle of hers. “Wow Nighty, you sure are excited to go to Ponyville.”

“Well why shouldn’t I be?” I asked before looking back over to Twinkie. “Come on TS, I’m gonna die of old age before you even get on the chariot!”

The unicorn with the pink hair raised an eyebrow. “Uh...can that even happen to you?”

“Or Princess Luna?” Minuette added. “I know Princess Celestia is quadruple digit old, but you know what they say about assuming something.”

Luna took up the question. “While I am empowered by a celestial body as my sister is, Nightmare’s longevity is actually questionable,” she said before frowning a little. “To be honest, I’m not entirely sure how she even came into being the way she did.”

I frowned. “Wait, I thought you said I was something you made that grew beyond its original scope.” Which seemed a bit par for the course when it came to Luna’s creations.

Everyone gave me a funny look, making me quickly realize that I had referred to the Nightmare as a separate entity. “Um, I mean-”

Luna didn’t let me finish. “What I am referring to is I am still not sure of what the mechanism for thy transformation was, Nighty. While mine own resentment was most definitely at the core for your...alteration, I’m not sure that it could have caused such a drastic effect on its own.”

The sudden addition of an unknown factor to my origin story made me nervous. I knew MLP had a penchant for just forgetting about important stuff for marketing reasons, but I wasn’t in a show. At least, I hoped I wasn’t. The thought of who knew how many people were watching me live Luna’s life because they had nothing better to do was creepy.

For a second I even considered the idea that I was in a fan fiction. One of the really bad ones written by one of those guys who couldn’t accept the direction that a show was going and decided to try writing their own version of events. And the guys who started doing it from episode one? Those were the worst.

“Ahem!” I said as I cleared my throat. “Now, let’s get going, shall we?”

Not even waiting for a reply from the other two, I snatched Minuette and Twinky up in a hug that got a grunt from both of the girls as I used Luna’s magic to grab their luggage and jumped onto the chariot. “Onward Luna’s little Ponies!”

Although it took us less than twenty minutes to get to Ponyville, I still found myself antsy with impatience until it came into view, what with an unusual amount of cloud cover blocking the town from my sight until we were practically on top of it.

When we did within visual range of the town, my ansty anticipation turned into something else. What I saw made me nervous. And what made me nervous was the dozen or more buildings under construction. I’m not talking about the ‘one of the Mane 6 just broke something and we need to replace it’ kind of construction. That sort of stuff happened about every other week in Ponyville. The kind of construction I’m talking about was the big, immaculate, expensive, ‘we actually think these buildings have a chance of lasting more than a month’ kind of construction only an idiot would build around Ponyville. Oh, there was also another large construction project on the southern end of town, but that looked to be more of the industrial office type of construction rather than the slightly smaller housing project that looked to be going on towards the eastern edge.

As soon as our chariot landed, I was tempted to cancel Minuette and Twinkie’s day off to have them find out what was going on, but thought better of it. It was Ponyville, the town with only about three hundred ponies, plus transients. It wouldn’t take me long to figure out what was going on.

But, it was their day off, and I knew enough ponies around town to find the answer myself soon enough. So, I decided to let them go do their thing.

“Okay girls, see you later today,” I told my friends before hesitating for a second and then sweeping them both up in another hug that lifted them both off the ground.

Minuette laughed as her cheeks were smooshed into mine. “Boy, Nighty. You sure are extra physical today.”

“Yep!” I agreed, then kissed them both on the cheek and let my girls go. With all the crap that had occured in Dog City, I needed to get back to Ponyville’s constant state of abnormality. Keeping other creatures from secretly killing ponies because of some hundred-year-plus old conflict was all well and dandy, but that was princess work.

Which I wasn’t!

I was a non-corporeal creature that was possessing a pony princess. There was a difference! It was a princess’s job to handle all of the unpleasant crap that came up in the need to keep Equestria safe and running smoothly. I was an unemployed mooch that was taking advantage of Luna’s massive amount of generosity! The only thing I should ever have to worry about is Celestia guilt-tripping me for being inside Luna when she didn’t want me there.

Once my girls had disappeared from view, I went looking someone to talk to. The sight of a trio of ponies drew my attention, and I rushed over to meet with Derpy’s family. “Hey girls!” I cried out before scooping Sparkler up in Luna’s forelegs to smother her with attention. “Mmmm! Missed my little Sparky pony!”

I would have grabbed Derpy and Dinky too, but the pegasus had a picnic basket balanced on her big bubble butt while the dinky unicorn was dealing with a half-eaten muffin.

“Gaaah!” my latest victim cried out in a muffled voice as her muzzle was filled with Luna’s chest fluff.

Derpy smiled up at me. “Good morning Princess Luna, good morning Nighty,” she greeted us before going into a respectful bow that nearly made her lose her picnic basket. She recovered in time though.

Sparkler worked her muzzle off of Luna’s barrel. “Did you need me for something today, Princess?”

“Neigh, loyal Sparkler,” Luna informed her. “Nighty simply wished to see her friends and I allowed her to set time aside for the endeavor.”

I decided to clarify Luna’s statement. “My bestest friends.”

To which Sparkler took issue with. “Uh, bestest isn’t really a word, Nighty.”

“It is if a princess says it is,” I told her. “Quick Luna, make bestest a word.”

Luna sighed. “Modern language has only just now become comfortable for me, Nighty. I shan’t take action to make it more complicated.”

To show my displeasure, I turned my attention to Luna cutie mark. “Well then,” I said before giving her a razberry.

“Princess Luna?” Dinky’s said with her dinky little voice, making me look down to see that she finished her muffin. “Can I get a hug too.”

Luna nodded with a serious expression. “Of course, my little pony. Nighty, unhoof our scheduler and attend to our most beloved little filly,” she commanded rather reagaly.

I gently set Sparkler down, then decided to play off Luna’s tone by sitting up straight and looking down at the tiny unicorn with an expression you’d see on Celestia’s face after a reformed student came back from another dimension seeking help. You know, overly stern and not at all friendly. “Young Dinky, are you fully prepared to accept this accolade, and everything that goes with it?”

Considering that I was dealing with a little girl, I don’t think she read the situation, because while her mother and sister were giving me little smrks, Dinky stood at attention. “I am ready, Princess Luna. Even if I don’t know what that word means.”

“Very well then,” I said. I waited for a second, then I stashed the little filly up a hug and held her close to Luna’s chest while squealing backing and forth. “Oh, you are just so, so, so, so cute!”

Then I lifted her up to my face. “Cute,” I said before kissing her on the cheek. “So cute!” Another kiss to the other cheek, along with another taste in my mouth. I held her back and smacked my lips before looking down at her. “Banana nut?”

Dinky nodded. “Yep!”

“Sorry, got distracted for a second.” Getting back on track, I laid Dinky on the grass with her belly facing up. “So cute!” I said again before moving to place Luna’s mouth on her and let out a prolonged breath.

The resulting sound and air rushing across Dinky’s belly got her laughing like crazy. “Okay! Enough ack-e-laids hahahaha! Too much ack-e-laids!”

With Dinky wanting to call it quits, I picked up the little filly and looked to Derpy. “Mind if I give her a pony ride as we trot and talk?” I asked. Derpy was obviously headed somewhere and I didn’t want to take up too much of her time.

“Of course not,” Derpy said.

I put dinky in position, and after making sure she was comfortable and properly situated, we were off. It took all of three seconds of me looking at the basket on Derpy’s butt for Luna to ask the obvious. “Pray tell, what is the basket for?” she asked. “While daylight activity is not our forte, tis quite late for breakfast, and much too soon for the noonday meal.”

“I’m just taking some muffins to Cheerilee to thank her for all the times she’s helped me with the girls lately,” Derpy explained.

A bad feeling started to creep into my gut. “You’ve been having trouble with Dinky?” I asked before glancing over to Sparkler. If the fandom was even half right when it came to Derpy, she probably worked more than one job. If Sparkler was called to Canterlot just about every day, well…

Fiscal stability or child rearing done by family members…

Coming to Ponyville was supposed to keep me away from these hard choices, damnit!

Derpy looked over to the construction going on. “Yeah, with so many new ponies wanting to come to Ponyville, the moving company has a ton of overtime up for grabs, so I’m trying to get in as much work as I can.”

“Mom, I’m old enough that I don’t need a foalsitter,” Sparkler told her mother.

As much as I wanted to backup my sassy minion on the subject of her maturity, the more important subject demanded my attention. “Why exactly are so many ponies moving to Ponyville now?”

The question got a thoughtful look from Derpy for a moment before she gave me a bright smile. “I have no idea!”

With my friendly contacts unable to help me with my investigation, I had to rely on the more traditional kind of informant. The kind that spent her time working the seedier bars where people got served dirty drinks and half the women the men went home with expected a paycheck when they were done.

Of course, since Ponville lacked such a place, I had to make do.

Noir-acceptable music was playing from the jukebox as I opened the door to the bakery with a bit extra force to show anypony who was around I meant business before walking into the building, but with it being that hour between late breakfast and early lunch, there weren’t any customers around beside the odd pair of stallions sitting in a booth to Luna’s left.

Like it’s name suggested, the interior was very sugary and somewhat cubed, what with its four corners. The baker behind the counter was one Pinkamena Diane Pie, Pinky to her friends, Ponvill’s office party pony. She had a sense for things around town and just about a big ear for gossip as Rarity.

She stood there, cleaning an empty ice cream float glass as I approached. “Hey there, Nightmare. Feels like years since you’ve been here,” Pinkie Pie said in a tone very much along the line of a somewhat friendly bartender from one of those noir detective shows before she loudly called up a bit of liquid and spit it into the glass she was cleaning. “What can I get’cha?”

It actually threw me off for a bit before I...well...it was Pinkie Pie, I could accept her deciding to spoof the exact same style I was doing at the same time as a coincidence.

Luna took the question. “Gingered Ale, upon the candied rocks, with a side information, Lady Pie,” she said. “Information that Nighty believes that you are the best to provide.”

Pinkie nodded as she put a small glass on the counter, talking as she poured the drink. “Mmmm, I know where to point my ears most places.” Two pieces of peppermint were dropped into the glass. “Of course, information don’t come free.”

When Pinkie pointed up to the menu on the wall above her, I blinked. Right beneath the part of the sign that offered a sundae for four bits, it said…

info: negotiable.

I blinked. Had that always been there?

Luna took up the glass and I barely had time to position her mouth to drink it droperly. After downing the whole thing, she slammed the container back onto the counter. “Very well,” she agreed. “We wish to know the identity of all the new ponies in town, and their reasons for being here. Name thy price.”

“In that case, I want…” Pinkie paused as her eyes narrowed. “Snuggles. A whole sleepover’s worth of snuggles.”

There was a little screech on the record playing in the background, completely destroying the atmosphere. I blinked several times at the request. “Wait, you want to have a slumber party?” I asked in confusion.

Pinkie’s demeanor changed in an instant before she started speaking in a voice that was much closer to her usual cheer than the bartender act she had been putting on before. “Okay, first off, I said I wanted to have a sleepover with you, not a slumber party.”

I cocked an eyebrow. “There’s a difference?”

A loud gasp came from Pinkie. “You don’t know the difference between a sleepover and a slumber party?” she asked in shock before zooming up to my face. “Just what kind of Princess of the Night are you?”

With Pinkie giving acting all...Pinkie, I half-closed my eyes. “I’m not a princess. I’m an eldritch abomination, born of Luna’s magic, depression and darkness.” And maybe some X factor that Luna mentioned in passing, which was probably just a red herring.

No, make that a definite red herring.

Unless I was also something akin to the Pony of Shadows.

“I know of the difference between an event of shared sleeping arrangements and a celebration of slumber,” Luna said. “But, perhaps you should break it down for Nighty. Twould be good for her to know of such things.”

Pinkie gave a curt nod of agreement. “Okay then!” she said before pulling out a pointer from her mane and smacking one of two pictures on a chalkboard beside her that I was pretty certain wasn’t there two seconds ago despite no magical sound effect that should have announced its arrival when that particular space was out of my field of vision. “A slumberparty is when a bunch of friends get together and do lost of stuff all night, which rarely involves sleep. A sleepover is when two ponies go to sleep under the same roof, despite the place they sleep in belonging to only one of them.”

I nodded with absolute serious. “Okay, got it,” I replied. Don’t ask questions. Don’t ask questions. Don’t ask questions. I had seen where that particular path led.

Wanting to get off of this topic as soon as possible, I cleared my throat. “So uh, Pinkie. What’s with all the new construction around Ponyville?” Although the show had never really gone into specifics about the population, size, or even shape of the town, I was pretty sure it didn’t have many large-scale construction projects.

Well, except for that one in the episode that should not be named which almost killed several ponies with falling construction materials.

The question got a bright smile out of Pinkie. “Oh, that? Since Prin-er, Celly started staying here, a lot of really fancy ponies have been wanting to move in,” she said. “That reminds me, she’s also why I’m able to take the morning off, she’s going to be helping the Cakes with the bakery tomorrow.”

“Uh, are you sure that’s a good idea?” I asked. While I couldn’t really comment on Celestia wanting to take a few days off and just be another normal pony, which was why she had come to Ponyville in the first place, Sunbutt working in a cake shop seemed like a recipe for disaster.

Memories of fan art featuring an overly fat Celestia stuffing her face gave me a shiver.

Pinkie nodded. “Celly’s been helping all of us around town. She spent her first day with Dashie. Then she was with Rarity in her shop and gave a hoof to Fluttershy with her animals, which she really needs these days since everypony wants her to wear all those clothes. And she’s helping Applejack with her chores today.”

“Sister is performing the duties of a farming peasant?” Luna asked in surprise before grinning. “Oh! We shant miss this!”

Even though Luna was excited to go to the farm in the hopes of giggling at Celestia’s labors, I felt a little uneasy about the whole thing. My human upbringing had given me plenty of practice when it came to ignoring things that I didn’t want to deal with, like what conditions my clothes were made under. But, such things had their limits.

Even if all the cows and sheep did was sit around all day eating, breeding, and...well, the cows got milked in the morning, and apparently got paid for something since I had seen some buy stuff from Sugarcube Corner…

But, uh...point is...slavery equals bad, and I didn’t want to deal with it since it was Luna’s job as a princess to take care of the tough stuff that didn’t exactly line up with Earth equivalents since I didn’t have talking animals that couldn't really do anything else but produce milk or wool competitively in comparison to the vast amount of ponies participating in the market back home. I was just in pony land to have fun.

When we got to Applejack’s place, well...it was just like anyone had bothered to see that one episode of AJ going to the spa before showing everyone just how devoid of common sense she was would expect. She was…

“brack...bawk bawk bawk...brack!”

...behaving like a chicken while the muddy pigs in the pen just laid there on their backs and Celestia stood off the side, giving the orange pony a look of utter confusion.

Tia didn’t even notice us approaching until we were right on top of her. And even then, she didn’t acknowledge our presence until after I landed Luna with extreme grace and poise.

For me, anyway. Which basically means that I managed to put hooves on the ground without doing the same to my face. “Greetings, dear sister,” Luna said when I finished steadying myself. “Tell me, has Applejack contracted a fowl madness?”

“That’s only affects pegasi, Luna,” Celestia replied before she looked over to us and...well...acted a little weird. This tightness appeared around her eyes that had me wondering if Luna took control of her ass to fart. “Hello Nightmare. Shouldn’t the two of you be in Canterlot? Judging by the correspondence I have received since arriving in Ponyville, I would have thought you needed to complete your subjugation of the diamond dogs.”

Luna looked back to Applejack. “We are here on business,” she said. “A letter from Rarity informed us that our dress for the Gala is nearly complete. We also wish to have a picture of you taken to use as a model for a poster that will help ensure obedience from the diamond dogs. As we have been informed that the most accomplished photographer in Equestria is also in Ponyville at this time, it is the perfect opportunity.”

After taking in a deep breath, Celestia let out a long burst of air from her nose. “We are going to need to have a long talk about that when I finish my vacation, Sister.”

“I agree,” Luna replied. “If a subjugated species openly mocks me in the street when I come to merit out justice, I fear what the nations that stand as our equals at the negotiating table are doing.”

Celestia frowned at the accusation. “We have no equals at the negotiating table,” she said. “As it said in the dossier on trade relations that you should have gone through during your first few days back in Equestria, while we are providing financial aid to the griffons to keep their entire society from collapsing into a bunch of scavengers that raid nearby communities for basic necessities, the minotaurs sell the resources they mine to us while the tariffs that all the other countries have imposed on their exports mean that our offer of free trade gives us easy access to their resources and the superior position since pony products are better made than anything they can produce. The centaurs and gargoyles continue to pay tribute for our imprisonment of Tirek in Tartarus, while the rest of the chaos-crafted keep well south of the borderlands. I’ll admit that I have lost contact with the hippogryphs these past years, but they are a rather withdrawn bunch.”

Hearing enough of the shop talk, especially since it was what I had come to Ponyville to get away from, I looked around for something that the girls could focus on. When I caught sight of Applejack on the roof of her barn, I gasped and pointed. “Oh no! Is Applejack going to jump?”

Celestia’s eyes widened. “What?” she shouted before she spun around and looked up at the orange pony in shock. “Applejack! Don’t do it! You have too much to live for!”

“Wha?” Luna’s amazing hearing picked up before a golden glow surrounded the earth pony and yanked her off the roof. “AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

I tried to move, but Luna asserted control of her right foreleg in the middle of my first step before she shifted her attention back to her mouth. “Nighty, as we have the same eyes, I know that you saw Applejack was looking at a rope coiled up near the end the beam protruding from her barn.”

“Yeah,” I admitted. “But you to talking about politics is really boring.”

As Luna let out a groan, Celestia stopped Applejack’s rapid descent and put her hooves on the orange pony’s shoulders as she floated in the air. “Applejack, trust me, I know what’s like to struggle through life. To have to put on a smiling face all the time when all you want to do is break down and cry. I know what it’s like to have all of your hopes and dreams crushed, then have your failure rubbed in your face day after day. I know But you can’t just give up, Applejack. Too many ponies are counting on you!”

Applejack blinked. “Uh...Celestia? What’re you talkin’ about?”

“Uh...weren’t you about to leap to your death because...um…” Celestia cleared her throat. “...the uh, odd insanity that had you opening and slamming a door for no reason, waving your forelegs at the pigs and dancing like a chicken just a moment ago?”

Before she answered, Applejack pointed up towards the top of her barn. “No, I was heading over to get the rope so I could swing down and feed the pigs.”

“Feed the pigs...with a rope?” Celestia asked in confusion. “Why in Equestria would you do that?”

Applejack pointed to the bucket of slop sitting on the fence of the pig’s pen. “Well, how else am I going to knock their food into the trough?”

In response to the question, Celestia turned around and trotted over to the bucket with Applejack floating behind her. She used her hooves to pick the food up, then dumped it in the long feeding bowl. “Like that,” the princess said as she looked back to the orange pony.

As the pigs ran up to start eating, Applejack blinked. “Well...uh…”

“Perhaps you should show me how you do the rest of your chores,” Celestia said before she looked back to us. “Sister, Nightmare, as much as I have enjoyed our time together, I think Applejack needs my assistance more than the two of you do right now. I will see the two of you later at Rarity’s boutique.”

Before Luna could say anything, I raised her hoof and waved. “Okay, talk to you later Tia!” I said before quickly turning to run away as fast as Luna’s legs would carry me.

“Nighty, just what do you think you are doing?” Luna demanded.

“Please tell me you at least a little worried after hearing your sister go on like that,” I said. If Tia wasn’t projecting just then, I was an anti-brony.

Luna frowned, narrowing my vision. “No. I knew that Applejack had no designs to do harm to herself. I am made aware of such ponies long before they get to that point,” she said. “Now, praytell, why are we departing?”

I let out a little frustrated sound and...slowed down when we got close to Ponyville. Trust was, I didn’t exactly know how to answer that.

Something had obviously happened to Tia during the past few days, but I had no fucking clue just what the hell that was! Sure, she had been a bit overworked and stressed when I saw her in Canterlot, but nothing like the mare that had been talking to Applejack. This whole Ponyville thing was supposed to help her relax!

So obviously, I needed to ask a pony that had been around her plenty just what the hell had happened.

Which meant I needed to talk to…

Um…

I looked around and saw a yellow pegasus mare with a blue main and a cutie mark depicting falling water on her butt trotting along with a smile on her face. Since everyone and their grandmother would be keeping track of Princess freaking Celestia, I was pretty sure that...uh...the pony whose name I couldn’t quite remember knew where she hung her hat for the night.

“You!” I as I pointed at the mare.

The mare looked over and me and got wide eyes. “Princess-oh, wait...um, am I still supposed to call you Princess? Because Celestia said she didn’t want to hear that word while she was in Ponyville and-I should probably stop rambling now, shouldn’t I?”

My announced must have been showing, because the poor little thing was shrinking in on herself. “Look, I’m sorry if I’m being...whatever,” I told her. “It’s just, do you know where Celestia is sleeping in Ponyville, miss...uh…”

“Raindrops,” the pony answered.

I blinked. “Really?” I asked before taking another look at her cutie mark that depicted three falling globs of water and then getting my mind back on track. “Okay, look. Sorry for frightening you again. I just really need to know where Celestia spends the night.”

Raindrops gave me a little smile. “It’s okay Princess Luna. And she’s staying with Rainbow Dash.”

Which I realized at that point I should have remembered, but...I wasn’t exactly in the bet mindset for a working memory. “Okay, good. And do you know where Dashie is?”

After blinking at my question, the yellow pony pointed up at something behind me. When I spun around to look, I saw Rainbow Dash flying through the air, dragging a banner that showed Fluttershy holding a glass of carrot juice in one hoof and smiling about it. “Ohhhh-kay, that’s a bit unexpected,” I mumbeled before looking back down at my little yellow pony. “Thanks, Raindrops.”

“You’re welcome “Prin-ahhh!” she managed to say before I snatched her up in a thank you hug.

The pony pony in my forelegs felt all soft and had that high moisture smell in her mane. Which, considering her name, I guess made sense. I nuzzled her mane in appreciation and-“Nighty?”

I blinked and pulled away from Raindrops. “Yeah Luna?”

“Mayhap we should give pursuit to Rainbow Dash before she vanishes from sight,” Luna told me.

After a few seconds, I reluctantly released the pony in Luna’s forelegs and sighed. Dog City had put me way behind my pony contact quota, and my landlady wasn’t making it any easier to get caught up. “Okay,” I agreed.

Luna was right though. I really needed to talk to Rainbow Dash as soon as possible since we still needed to get Tia’s picture and have Rarity feel us up while she gave that ‘I’m just measuring your royal rear’ excuse like the first time she put her paws on Luna’s plot during our biggest butt contest.

Which Celestia had such an unfair advantage to with all those years of overeating and low exercise. If she had been stuck on a giant rock without any food for a thousand years, her butt wouldn’t have been anywhere near as bloated as it was now.

I looked down at Raindrops, who had these really red cheeks. Which made me a bit embarrassed. I hadn’t meant to hug her that hard. “Oh! Sorry Rainy,” I said before leaning down to give her a little apology kiss on the cheek.

Raindrops got even more red and began to tremble a little before she let out a tiny whine and I...thought it best to get the heck out of dodge. Although most of Ponyville had gotten used to me and Luna walking around, but it looked like a few of them still had...issues.

So, I took to the air and headed after Rainbow Dash as she finished her fly over the town and landed near a large wagon next to Carrot Top before unhitching the banner. By the time I landed, which involved overshooting Dash’s landing spot and turning around thanks to my inability to stop flying on a dime at Rainbow’s usual speed, the little blue pony was slipping a nice bag of bits under her wing and Carrot Top was heading off into the distance with her wagon.

“Hey there Dash,” I said to get her attention as I trotted closer.

Rainbow turned around and smiled. “Hey there Luna. Hiya Nightmare. What’s up?”

Before I could get a word in, Luna took the conversation over. “Hail and well met, Rainbow Dash,” she greeted. “Tell me, why do you fly Fluttershy’s banner over the town?”

“Oh, Carrot Top paid Fluttershy and me to advertise her juice after it worked so well for Applejack,” she explained.

I had to force myself not to ask just what the hell was going on with Fluttershy and what she was doing in an ad campaign. But, there was something much closer to to home that I needed to talk about. “Say Dash,” I said before getting a little hesitant. How the hell are you supposed to ask if Celestia is in the middle of a mental breakdown?

“Is Tia...enjoying herself?” I finally asked, trying to be discreet.

While her mouth said nothing, Rainbow’s body went rigid and her eyes darted around nervously. “Uh...that um...well…”

Luna frowned down at the little pony. “Out with it already, Rainbow,” she demanded.

“Okay!” she said before looking around some more, turning her whole head this time. “Just...not here. Come on.”

We followed Dash into the air and over the town all the way to her house. Which I had seen before since you know, cloud house was someone any brony who found herself in Equestria would just have to see, but it was still an amazing thing to see. Still, needed to keep my mind on task. “Now, about Celestia…”

“Is my sister doing okay?” Luna asked.

Rainbow looked off to the empty space on our right. “Uh, well...not...really,” she answered before dropping her ears and head.

“What?” Luna demanded. “What do you mean, not really? What hath transpired during this respite? Tell us immediately.”

I wrestled with Luna for control of her mouth. “No wait. Start at the beginning. Tell us everything that happened from day one.” Not that I thought Dash was stupid or anything, but...well, hoping that the most oblivious member of the Mane Six would notice when someone was upset was...yeah…

Pinkie Pie had a better chance of sitting still for three hours than Rainbow did of noticing something was wrong before a pony was reduced to tears. Which...considering just how nervous Dash was on the subject of Celestia’s happiness…

Oh God, please tell me Tia just put the moves on Rainbow and got turned down, I begged.

“Okay, so...it all started out kind of awkward. Ya know, because Tia just got off the train and everypony was standing around looking at her like ‘holy horseshoes, it’s Princess Celestia. What’re we supposed to do?’ and stuff. And it didn’t stop as we moved through town, so she had the mayor call a town meeting…

Me and Twilight stuck around for the meeting since I would be having to show Tia my house later and work up something for her guest room and Twilight, uh...I’m not sure why the egghead stayed. Except maybe because she had the bag with all Celestia’s stuff, which wasn’t all that much. She’s not Rarity ya know, so it was only junk like her toothbrush and other...princess things.

“Thank you everypony for assembling so quickly,” Celestia said in that in charge kind of way that didn’t sound as lame as my old principal’s did when she wanted to get the whole school together for an announcement. “Now, as you are all wondering for my purpose here… With Luna having returned to Equestria, I can take my first vacation in a thousand years. And after visiting your lovely village, I can think of no place in Equestria as wonderful to spend my time off. On that note, I want to say that for the next week, I will not be your princess, but another pony that’s just a bit taller than the rest of you. As such, please do not bow or let me move to the front of the line. Of course, I will still be willing to help you with any problems I can, but I ask of you to refrain from petitioning me in matters involving government affairs. Princess Cadance and my sister will be taking care of such matters.”

As soon as she was done, there were a few ponies that asked a couple of lame questions, which totally bored me so much I couldn’t pay any attention to them. But I think it was mostly stuff like if it was okay to talk to her on the street and stuff. Although, one colt had the guts to ask if Tia would come to their school, and she was all like, yeah sure.

Anyway, after the snoozefest was done, we headed out into Ponyville, with Twilight behind us with that big grin of hers. “So Princess Celestia. I was thinking-”

“Twilight,” the awesome sun pony replied.

“I know Rainbow Dash has the biggest house and most awesome house and that makes it an attractive place to stay-”

“Twilight,” Celestia said for the second time.

“-but if we just use a space some big word I can't pronounce spell, we could just set up a little room in the treehouse and-”

Uh, Rainbow? I'm starting to have my doubts about the validity of this story based on things like your choice of spell names

Hey, are you telling this story, or am I?

You

Well then let me tell it. Don't sweat the small stuff.

“Twilight!” Tia exclaimed, making Twi totally jump out of her skin before she got on her belly.

Honestly, it was pretty freaky seeing her act like that. You know, because she’s always going on about how Tia’s supposed to be this super wise and beno-what’sit ruler and all? But she acts like Celestia’s gonna give her a spanking if she doesn’t do everything like, super perfect.

Celestia gave Twilight this little nod. “While I am aware there are numerous ways around the space limitations for skilled magic users, I remind you that preparing such spells are rather time-consuming in their preparation and uncomfortable to experience in the long term. It’s easier for me to just stay someplace that can accomodate my size,” she told Twilight. “And I would never ask for you to have to stop whatever project your working on now to make such adjustments to the library for me.”

“Project?” Twilight asked as her eyes widened.

“Of course, I will also be more than happy to help you with whatever endeavor you have as well. I know you’ve always got something cooking in that lab of yours and would be delighted to see it while I’m in town,” Celestia told her. “Just tell me what time would be good for you, and we’ll set something up for later in the week.”

I could totally see some sweat around Twilight’s horn as she smiled up at the big pony. “Riiiight! My project! I uh...I’ll have it ready for you in, um...six, no! Five days! Come by Friday, and I’ll have something that’ll knock your horseshoes off!”

The purple pony disappeared in a flash almost as fast as I could leave a scene and I looked over to Tia. “Uh...that was…”

“I know,” Celestia told me before I could tell her how much of a mule she was being and started flying slowly towards my house. When we were up far enough that nopony else would hear us, she started talking again. “I know Twilight isn’t actually working on anything and that I’ve just sent her into a complete panic, but let’s be honest, how do you think Twilight would take me telling her I’d rather not see her for awhile?”

That got my wings up. Sure, Twilight was pretty annoying, I’d spent days stuck to her and let me tell ya, it got old in ten seconds flat, but I would never have done something like that. And just because Celestia was like, twice as big as me with a horn didn’t mean she could talk about one of my friends like that. “And why the hay not?”

Celestia reached up and rubbed her head. “Because she’s the type of pony I’m trying to get away from, Dash. No,” she said, suddenly stopping. “Actually, she’s both types of pony I’m trying to get away from.”

Not really following, I frowned at her some more as she jumped into the air and started flapping her wings. “What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked after catching up to her.

We got to my house and Tia touched down before planting her plot on my cloud. “In Canterlot, there are two types of ponies that I run into,” she said. “The first are the ponies that for whatever reason, fear me. I don’t understand why, but they do. They think the slightest showing of even the tiniest frown means I’m going to banish them from Equestria. It doesn’t matter how much I smile, how much I show everypony they have nothing to fear from me, how much I care for them. They just hear some old story from the days before Equestria was as nice as it is today, and think I’m like a volcano that’s waiting for an excuse to explode.”

I could get that. Hey, I’d seen it before.

And Twilight? Yeah, she was totally like that.

“And then there are the other types of ponies,” Celly went on with an annoyed look. “Those are the ponies that kiss my plot so much, I half expect to stop walking one day and end up with one of their heads stuck between my cheeks. Respect is one thing, but what they do is just...infuriating! They insult both me and themselves if they think I would fall for something like that or desire bla bla bla, more angry words! And the fact that Twilight truly believes what she says about me just makes it worse.”

You're doing it again.

No I'm not.

Dash, who says bla bla bla-

Angry words! LOTS of angry words!

Okay, okay fine! Just...get on with it.

So, after Tia got done talking about how she didn't like it that Twilight thought she was so awesome...

That, I couldn’t get. Who wouldn’t want somepony to follow you around and tell them how awesome you were?

Twilight knew Celestia was awesome, so she said it. End of story.

But since I didn’t want to argue with Princess bucking Celestia about that, crown or no crown, I just nodded to my house. “So uh, you want to come inside?”

“Yes. Thank you,” Celestia said before she trotted past me.

I gave her the tour of my house, you know, showing my stuff off and, uh...stuff. Celestia was pretty cool about the whole thing. She even put this spell on my bathroom’s raincloud that would make it pour hot water when I showered. Then, we got to the bedroom and Celestia looked around at the place. “Hmmm, you have quite the large bed, Rainbow.”

“Uh...yeah,” I said before hopping up on the thing. “It’s just another cloud I made.” I didn’t tell her that I change the thing up about once a month. One time I even made it look like a pillar. “So um, what do you want to do now?”

Celestia tapped her chin. “Well, how about we play a game?”

I looked at the door to my bedroom. “Well, I’ve got a few boardgames in the living room.”

“I was thinking of something a little more basic, what with you being the fastest pegasus ever,” Celestia told me before her horn lit up and everything around us disappeared.

The next thing I knew, we were standing on a cloud that was like, miles away from Ponyville. Like, a lot of miles. There were mountains all around us, and I had no idea where we were. “Uh...Princess Celestia-”

“Dashie, please,” she said with a roll of her eyes. “It’s Celly, or Tia.”

“Okay then, uh...Tia.” Which felt a bit weird to say. I forgot which of the two she prefered, but if the Princess was gonna use my last name, I’d use the rear part of hers. I know, it was rude, or whatever, but if Celestia wanted to be treated like just another pony. “Where are we, and what’re we doing here?”

Tia smiled down at me. “Well, my little Dashie, with you being such an athlete, I want to see if you can actually keep up with me. So...boop!” the big alicorn said before she tapped me on the nose and turned to gallop away. “You’re it! Catch me if you can!”

I stood there for a bit before Celestia flapped her wings and started up into the sky. That got me out of my daze, and I worked up my wings to fly after her. “Oh! You are so mine!”

Okay so...I know there’s a few jerk out there that make fun of Celestia for being fat, or...ah...you know...kind of...talk about her big...round...sweet plot. But uh, anyway! She may be bigger than anypony around, but she is fast!

Well, not as fast as me, I’m like...maybe five percent faster, but uh...Celestia’s a better flier. With those big wings of hers, she can totally bank and turn better than me, and don’t get me started on her diving skills.

Ever time I would get even a little close, she would just juke and turn or pull off some other fancy move that left me going straight for a second or two while she was going off to the left or the right or wherever. And it just went on and on like that for what had to be an hour.

Then...okay, look. I’m fast, that’s my thing. But...stamina? Yeah, not so much. Celestia had me dashing this way and that at full speed. After an hour of that, it felt like my wings were gonna fall off.

I could still fly, but...you know, my wings felt like lead.

And Celestia? Yeah, by then, she was flying backwards with her forelegs behind her back. “Something wrong, Dashie?” she asked with this smile I totally would have wacked off her face if she wasn’t a princess.

“I’m...fine...just...catching...second...wind,” I said before breaths.

Celestia frowned. “Okay, this isn’t as fun as I thought it would be,” she told me before her horn lit up. White poofed into existence beneath us and the Princess reached forward to grab me and pinned me to the cloud. “Dashie, stop. I don’t want you to overexert yourself.”

I tried to push Celestia off of me but with as tired as I was, it wasn’t happening. “I...totally would have caught you,” I said before taking another breath. “Eventually.”

“Of course you would have,” she told me before laying down and letting out a soft laugh. “That was fun though, at the start at least. I haven’t been able to fly around with anypony like that for centuries.”

The Princess’s body began to push me down into the cloud. “Uh...Tia? I’m all sweaty.”

Celestia smiled and scooted around a little before she put her nose right on my barrel and took a deep breath through it. The whole thing left me going, “Uhhhhhhhhh.”

“Dashie, do you know how many ponies surround me with so much cologne and perfume I could gag?” she asked. “Getting to take in the natural scent of another pony after a long flight is a pleasure compared to all of that.”

I gulped as Celestia’s legs went into the cloud to wrap around before she rolled to the side and held me close under her chin. “C-Celestia?”

Then big white pony let out this loud sigh. “She’s right.”

“She who?” I asked, totally lost.

“Nightmare Moon,” Celestia told me. “She told me once that she likes to do this with ponies, just lie on her bed and hold them like this because it makes her feel good. She’s right. It does feel good to hold one of my little ponies close like this. Do you mind if we just...stay like this, just for a few minutes?”

So, it wasn’t as lame as being five and needing to sleep with your mom because there totally was a monster under your bed one night out of the week. “Knock yourself out, Tia.”

Celestia sighed. “Thank you, Dashie.”

We just kinda did nothing for a few minutes and I let out a yawn. What can I say? Your sister’s comfortable.

“I missed this,” Celestia whispered.

“Eh??” I asked.

Celestia gave me this loud gulp. “When I first became princess,” she told me, still with that whisper. “I used to play games like this with Luna and my other friends every day I could. I used to race and play tag with Hurricane. But as time went by, Luna and I were separated by our duties with the sun and moon, and I-I stopped being a pony others could be friends with and became unapproachable. And I thought, okay, that’s fine, that’s the way it should be. I was over two hundred by then, I couldn’t expect ponies to relate to somepony as old as me.

“I could take comfort in all the happiness my actions caused. If that meant that there was just one big lonely pony while the rest of Equestria was happy, it was worth it. Equestria got better and I managed to keep going by looking at all the successes my little ponies had but, but now, I...for some reason, I...I can’t,” she said before giving a sniffle. “These days, all I see when I look around are things like my little sister still being possessed by Nightmare Moon, my student being a combination of the two worst types of pony I know, a thousand problems with Equestria I had been ignoring for years and-and...then, there’s you.”

My muscles got at tense. “W-What did I do?”

“What?” Tia asked before she pushed me back and looked at me and I looked at her. When I actually got a look at Celestia, I kid you not, I got a little scared. She had tears falling from her eyes. Princess Celestia had been crying. “No, Rainbow, you didn’t do anything wrong! I’m the one who wronged you.”

I cocked my head to the side. “Uh...w-what’re you talking about?”

Celestia just looked at me for a few seconds and put her head down. “Rainbow...you’re my best friend,” she said before letting out a snort. “Ponyfeathers. That sounds even worse than I thought it would.”

“Hey!” I exclaimed back at her before remembering who I was talking to. “Uh...not that...um...actually, yeah. I’m gonna be mad about this, even to you. I’m an awesome friend!

Then Celestia gave me one of her smiles, and it got so much harder to stay mad at her. “Yes, you are,” she told me. “But I am a twelve hundred and fifty three year old alicorn. I was old before your great-grandfather was in diapers. I have known more ponies than you will ever meet, even in passing. Yet despite my age, despite all the ponies I’ve met, I feel closer to you than anypony I’ve been introduced to for over nine hundred years. And we aren’t really even that close.”

Okay, I really didn’t have a comeback for that one. “Uh…”

“But here I am, telling you things I shouldn’t be telling anypony,” Celestia said. “I’m bearing everything that I am to you and-and I know it’s selfish and unfair to you. You’re barely more than a newborn foal compared to me but I am placing the weight of all my burdens on your back just so I can tell somepony about it!”

She dropped her head back onto the cloud. “I’m pathetic.”

You know, before I actually met Princess Celestia, I thought she was this super awesome pony that nothing ever got to. After I met her the first few times, I thought like, super cool. She was old and wise and powerful and all, but also totally awesome.

After I heard that, well...okay, I still thought she was totally awesome. But even more so because, yeah...I wouldn’t have been able to do half the stuff she did if I was feeling half as bad as her.

“No you’re not,” I told her in a totally not-awesome voice. Just the restrained kind. She did just dump stuff all over me after all.

“Rainbow-”

“Hey,” I said before she could argue. I had gotten into arguments with Twilight before over Daring Do stuff and learned from those you don’t let the brainy pony get started before you got your point across. “Look, I don’t really know what I’m supposed to say to make this better. But, um...you’re not pathetic. You’ve kept Equestria running for a thousand years despite all of that feeling stuff and it’s awesome! And, if you need somepony to talk to. Somepony to talk to when you’re feeling uneasy and need to just empty out your barrel of all the stuff weighing you down...I’ll do it,” I told her. “But, only if I get to really tell you how awesome you are too, okay? And only if you tell me how you’re going to pick yourself up and be awesome again, okay?”

Celestia blinked. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard the word awesome used that much in the span of five minutes.”

“Hey!” I exclaimed as I put some strength into my wings. “If you want some big pep talk that uses a bunch of big words, go see Twilight. I use awesome a lot because I’m awesome, and the word is awesome, and the pony I’m talking to is totally awesome, even if she’s got some lame ideas running through her head right now. So...uh, awesome.”

A little snicker came from Tia’s nose. “I see.”

Then I got one of those ideas that is, you know, totally awesome, but also kinda...not. “So uh...do you...want a hug?”

Celestia nodded before reaching out with her forearms. “Yes. Yes I do.”

“Then we just kinda hugged and laid there for a bit and talked about...stuff,” Rainbow finished.

“Talked about what?” I asked despite not wanting to know the answer. I was afraid of where this was going.

Rainbow gave a little shrug of her shoulders. “Lot of things, really,” she answered. “The stuff with the diamond dogs and something that happened down south with buffalo have her really bummed out. She hates how hard it is to make friends with anypony like, well...me and her are friends, I guess. Oh, and you. She talked about you a lot.”

“To which one of us are you referring, Rainbow Dash?” Luna asked.

“Uh...both of you?” she said in an uncertain way. “I dunno, it’s confusing. She’s like, really super sad and angry, and a bunch of other things whenever she talks about the two of you. I just, ya know, let her hug me and cry...and stuff. But I have no idea what to say to her to make it better.”

Luna sucked in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “We understand, Rainbow Dash. Thank you for bringing this to our attention. We will handle it from here.”

A sigh of relief came from the blue speedster. “Thanks,” she said. “I’m good a cheering ponies up and all, but this is Princess Celestia were talking about here. I am way out of my depth here. She just shows up and start crying and...yeah. I don’t know what to do when normal ponies get all teary. And this is Celestia!”

“You have done exactly what you needed to do, Rainbow Dash,” Luna told her. “Sometimes, we all need a pony to lean on, even we alicorns. Although, I must ask you...what are your intentions towards my sister?”

Rainbow Dash blinked. “Huh?”

Luna frowned. “You are the type of mare that Celestia would desire in her younger years, a fit pegasus with a love of action,” she said. “After she has found herself out of this...state of mind, we would not be opposed to you becoming closer to our sister. Perhaps even a consort, if she is willing.”

As I just stood there after hearing that.

Rainbow was...much more...well, amenable to the situation.

“Um...okay. Thanks?” she said before cocking her head to the side. “But...what’s a consort?”

I raised a hoof to cover my face and groaned. “Let’s just say it’s a uh,” I lowered Luna’s hoof and did my best to try and make it as pleasant as I could. “It’s like a, uh...pony that’s really, really friendly with a royal pony.”

“Of course,” Luna said as her tone darkened. “If you were to use my sister’s current state of mind to take advantage of her. We would be very displeased.”

Rainbow Dash frowned right back at Luna. “Hey! I wouldn’t do something like that to Tia. She’s my friend, you know. I don’t need to have some fancy friendship title to be nice to her!”

And on that note, I thought it was best to get the heck out of Dodge before Luna explained to Rainbow she just gave Dash permission to bang her sister for the rest of a pegasus’s natural life. I held up Luna’s hooves and smiled down at her. “Hey Dash, it’s okay. Luna’s just being protective of her sister. How would you feel if somepony started offering Scootaloo some kind of fake cure for her wing problems?”

“Scoota-who?” Luna asked.

Rainbow frowned at me, but it was one of those quizzical ones. “You mean that little orange filly that Applejack and Rarity’s little sisters are always hanging out with?” she asked. “Why would I care about that?”

Yeah, that rather terrifying.

I just hoped we were still at the point in the plot where Dash hadn’t spent enough time with her yet. A place that was getting a bit harder to figure out as time went on since I had seen an Equestrian calendar and noticed that Fall didn’t follow Winter like the first season said it did.

“Uh...because…” I said as I thought up the perfect thing to say that would keep Luna and Rainbow from suspecting that I had some kind of future knowledge that was in extreme danger of becoming totally useless the more time I spent in Equestria. “Bye!”

And then I teleported away.

After talking with Luna a bit thanks to my ditching of Dashie, we got to Rarity’s store to find Celestia in there waiting for us in the near-center of the main room, standing next to a little step stool. I took the place that had been set aside for Luna, which was next to another step stool.

“Greetings Sister,” Luna said.

Celestia nodded. “Hello, Luna.”

“Tia, is there something bothering you?” I blurted out quickly.

Celestia’s knees locked as her whole body went still. “I...you...wha-what?” she asked.

The door to the back room slammed open and Rarity trotted out with a dress that had a rear big enough to completely cover her body. “Here we are Celly! Doesn’t it look-oh! Princess Luna, you’re here,” the marshmellow unicorn said as Celestia took the dress up in her magic. “Let me just go get your gown, and we can get started. Be right back.”

As soon as Rarity disappeared, Celestia slipped her dress on and looked back to us. “What are you talking about, Nightmare?” she asked tensely.

Before I could say anything, the front door slammed open and Fluttershy rushed in. “Rarity, I-oh! P-Princess Celestia. P-Princess Luna, um...I need you to hide me!” she said after a moment of desperate consideration.

Celestia lifted her rear left leg to create an opening in her gown. “Down here, Fluttershy.”

The little yellow pegasus dived under Celestia to be completely hidden by her dress a moment before the front door slammed open once again to admit a trio of ponies I had seen around Ponyville a second before Rarity trotted out of the back room with Luna’s dress in her magic. “Excuse me-”

“Is Fluttershy in here?” the mare in the lead asked before she looked around wildly and slowed down when she noticed me and Celestia standing there.

“No she is not!” Rarity snapped as Luna took our dress and I put it on. “And as you would have been aware if you bothered to read the sign on the door, I am with two very important clients. So get out!”

With Rarity’s snappy voice making even me want to take a few steps back. I put my Tia situation on hold for a second and looked over to Rarity. “Uh...something wrong, Rares?”

The question made Rarity seize up for a second before she looked back at me and Luna. “Oh, that’s right, you wouldn’t know. Well, it’s just, well...a few days ago, Photo Finish came to Ponyville to take some pictures, she said she was looking for a new star to shine over Equestria.”

I blinked as my memories of the show were tickled. Oh crap….

“And I needed a mare to model for me,” Rarity went on.

Oh crap crap crap, I continued to think to myself as Rarity began a very familiar story.

Celestia looked over to the unicorn. “I did offer to model for you, Rarity.”

“And I was so thankful for the offer, Celestia,” Rarity replied. “But I only had one dress big enough for you and, well…” she gestured to the gown Tia had on. “It’s not even finished yet.”

My eyes darted to the floor between Celestia’s legs. “Um...that’s uh…” Crap crap CRAP!

Rarity frowned. “So, then I had the brilliant idea of asking Fluttershy for help.”

CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!

Now, one would probably wonder, just why the hell is this mare having a mental breakdown over the fact Rarity is pissed off at Fluttershy for modeling for her. After all, as soon as Rarity find out that Fluttershy doesn’t like modeling, everything will go back to being normal. Everyone and their grandmother that knows anything about ponies would see that coming.

But, here’s the thing. The big important, character defining moment of that incident wasn’t about Fluttershy and Rarity being upfront about each other. It wasn’t even Twilight’s stupid letter to Sunbutt about being honest with friends before pretty much forget that lesson a few episodes later. The big thing that happened while Fluttershy was a model involved Rarity.

There was this one time that Fluttershy tried to get herself fired as a model by acting completely insane with Twilight’s help. Everyone else watched Fluttershy act like the horse she was, plus several other barn animals, and she was about to be booed off the stage. Then Rarity stepped in and cheered for her, and the ponies that were watching, what with them being basically sheep, joined in. Rarity learned to get over her jealousy and support her friend, even when that friend’s fame outstripped her own.

As the little white unicorn was acting like she had something long, pointy and barbed stuck up her butt, I seriously doubted that had happened yet.

“Oh really?” I asked, feigning interest. “Gosh Rarity, I’m surprised that Fluttershy would have agreed to that, what with her being so shy and all. Um...have you talked to one of your friends about this?”

Rarity raised an eyebrow. “I’m talking to you about it, right now.”

“I mean somepony like Twilight!” I replied a little too quickly.

After taking a step back at the outburst, Rarity blinked. “I haven’t seen Twilight since the week began, actually.”

Tensed. Say what?

Wasn’t Twilight supposed to be having a mild aneurysm because she knew both of the girls involved hated Fluttershy being a model, but had promised not to tell thanks to a threat made on the part of Pinkie Pie?

“She’s been locked up in her lab, working on something for Princess Celestia,” Rarity explained.

CRAAA-I stopped myself. This was too important for something like that. So… Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

I pounded my front two hooves on the ground in a panic as I looked around for a solution to this horrible situation that had gone horribly awry. No Twilight meant no confidant for Rarity to talk to. No Twilight meant no magic spell on Fluttershy to make her act like a donkey during her show. No Twilight meant NO FRIENDSHIP REPORT!

Which could lead to something like NO ALICORNHOOD!

And no alicornhood meant that Tirek would win!

And Tirek winning would mean that the entire world was DOOOOOOOOMED!

“You know, if there’s something bothering you, Rarity, you could talk to Fluttershy about-”

“OH SHUT UP TIA NOPONY ASKED YOU!”

When I got done with the Canterlot-level interruption, the white alicorn’s hair had been blown back along with her dress, revealing the cowering pegasus underneath. But hey, I was on a panic-induced role about the future destruction of Equestria, something like that wasn’t going to stop me from running my mouth some more!

“Who the hay are you to give advice to a pony about telling somepony anything truthful!” I demanded as my mouth ran about ten miles ahead of my thoughts. “You trot around all day with a fake smile on your face while you doing a job you despise. Telling everypony how nice it is to see them when when you’d rather be doing anything else but having to deal with the idiocy that fills the Equestrian bureaucracy! Seriously, when have you ever, and I mean ever been honest with anypony?”

“Oh, so you want me to be honest?” Celestia asked as she frowned back at me. “You want me to tell ponies that I can’t stand the truth about them. Well fine!” Tia took in a deep breath and pointed at me.

“I HATE YOU NIGHTMARE MOON!”

As Luna’s magical mane was blown back from the force of the shout, Rarity looked over to Celestia, then did a double-take when she noticed the yellow pegasus cowering beneath the sun goddess.

Fluttershy, being polite, waved back at her in a timid fashion.

I stood there in absolute shock as Celestia did the same for several seconds before a little smile started to creep up on her face. “I…” she said before smiling a little more. “I actually said it!”

“I...it...you...what?” I finally managed to get out.

“I hate you!” she said in a happy voice, which just made the thing incredibly disturbing. “I hate you. I have everything about you!”

The continued display of joy from Celestia had me standing there as she let out a giddy laugh. “I...I actually did it!”

“W-What?” I asked, unable to do much else.

“I hate you!” Celestia told me with a smile and cheerful tone. “Yes, you’ve had your memory removed and you’ve been cleaned by the elements, but I still barely stand to look at you! You walk around in my sister’s body claiming to be good, all the while acting like a violent maniac and holding her hostage! I spent hundreds and hundreds of years waiting for my sister to return, and then you stick around, ruining all of my plans and preparations! Did you know that I spent years learning how to make pancakes for my sister in the mornings,, but when I tried to cook them, the very thought of you eating them made me physically ill to the point I couldn’t even go in the kitchen?”

Luna spoke. “Sister.”

“Every moment I see you makes me feel as if there are needles being stabbed into my eyes,” Celestia told me. “And while I was able to get by in Canterlot because I had so much to do, now that I’m here in Ponville and have some time to actually think about things, my stomach hasn’t stopped turning flips over the fact that Twilight and her friends failed to destroy you like they were supposed to!”

Rarity’s mouth dropped at the big pony’s words. “P-Princess?” she stuttered.

Completely ignoring the other pony, Celestia just went on. “So, in response to your question earlier, yes! There is something bothering me!” Celestia said as she began to become distraught. “You turning my sister into a slave! Twilight for failing me after all the years I spent teaching her! AND EVERY OTHER BUCKING PONY IN THIS WHOLE BUCKING WORLD FOR THINKING THAT I’D EVER BE HAPPY ABOUT IT!”

The rest of us stood mute as Celestia panted heavily as if she had just run a marathon. Then, she took in a deep breath and smiled. “My, that feels good to finally say.”

“EXCUSE ME!” Luna yelled. “How dare you speak in such a way to Nighty!”

As Celestia tensed, I held up a wing and moved in around in front of Luna’s face to keep her from going off too much. When she let go of her mouth, I looked over to the nearest mirror so that Luna could see her face. “Well, she’s got a point, Luna.” A point that I had made several times before, I might add. “I’m not all that happy about this possession thing either.”

“Oh, well I am so sorry that I don’t want to be sympathetic to my loving sister that just said she wished that her little assassin and the rest of her death squad had murdered you!” Luna spat before looking back to Celestia and frowning. “And you have my deepest apologies, Sister. I’m sorry that my best friend isn’t dead! I’m sorry that every little thing hasn’t worked out exactly as you wanted, boo-bucking-hoo!”

Celestia frowned. “Luna-”

“Do you want to know what I’d be doing right now if Nightmare Moon wasn’t here?” Luna demanded. “Do you?”

The demanded made Celestia’s eye dart about as she tried to avoid her sister’s gaze. “Um...well, I’m not completely sure, but-”

“Rotting in the ground!” Luna yelled at Celestia. “I WOULD HAVE DONE AWAY WITH MY LIFE LONG AGO IF IT WAS UP TO ME!”

Celestia stepped back as if Luna had slapped her in the face, and I wasn’t in a much better state. “Wha-what?” she stuttered. “Luna that’s...um...well-”

“What?” Luna demanded. “Crazy? Go ahead, say it!”

The white pony shook her head. “No, that’s not-why would you even think something like that?”

“BECAUSE OF YOU!” Luna yelled back at her.

I winced as Celestia’s eyes went wide. “I-what? Me? I...I don’t understand.”

“Well what other choice would I have had with this world you pull me back into?” Luna demanded. “Every year on the anniversary of my banishment, you hold the biggest celebration in Equestria! Everypony offers praise to the mare that saved them from the evil Nightmare Moon. And late in the year, foals run around in masks to avoid being eaten by me! Because apparently, I would escape from my imprisonment and set out to devour babies!”

Celestia shook her head. “No! I never endorsed that holiday, and whenever I tried to stop it, ponies would just-”

“DON’T GIVE ME THAT!” Luna shouted before going off on a rant of her own. “You have absolute authority of Equestria! Your word is law. You had nearly every record of me completely expunged to remove years of history pertaining to me, but left stories involving the five minutes Nightmare Moon existed Equestria completely intact so that they could breed a million more! I came back to a world that had nothing but fear and contempt for me. Something a hundred times worse than the ridicule and disrespect that plagued me when I left! My only choices were to become a pariah and once again trot down the path that would lead to me turning on the ponies that were raised by you to fear me, or ensure that they would never have to deal with the threat of me again!”

The implications of what Luna had just told her sister had Celestia looking worked. “Luna, I...I don’t think that you understand j-just what you’re saying.”

Luna glared at Celestia. “Oh, so now I am a gibbering moron as well, Sister? Unable to ascertain the meaning behind my own words? Fine, I shall put it another way,” she said as her frown deepened as much as it would go. “I would have ended my life a week upon my return to Equestria, rather than live in the kingdom that you created.”

Celestia’s breathing became quicker as tears began to form in her eyes. “L-Luna, I...I…”

“Nighty, let us depart,” Luna told me. “Being in the room with the same pony that wishes for your death turns my stomach.”

I...didn’t move.

A sob came from Celestia as she slunk lower to the ground, her forelegs trembling.

“Nighty, I said it is time to leave,” Luna said.

“Yeah, yeah. I heard you the first time!” I exclaimed at my landlady. “And I am not just going to let you leave your sister in tears!” With that, I stormed over to Celestia and wrapped Luna’s arms around her. “It’s okay Tia. She doesn’t really mean it.”

Luna voiced her disagreement. “Yes I do!”

Celestia collapsed into me, and I saw Fluttershy scamper out from under me as the big alicorn let out a cry of despair. “I just want my sister back!”

As Celestia broke down into sobs and I held onto her tightly, Rarity looked over to Fluttershy. “So, um...Fluttershy, you’re um...how’s the modeling business going?”

Fluttershy looked back at me and the crying alicorn before putting on a nervous smile. “It’s uh...great! Just...g-great,” the little yellow pegasus that had just seen the most together pony completely lose it after telling her sister what she really thought about something.

Celestia’s breakdown lasted a good five minutes before she went silent and limp in Luna’s pony-arms. For a little bit of privacy, we took her into the house section of Rarity’s boutique and used some cushions from her couch to make a seat for the two of us as I continued to offer physical support to Luna’s sister.

Which was pretty damn messed up, considering Celestia hated my guts. Eventually, she must have gotten fed up with Nightmare Moon being the one to comfort her, because she pulled away and sat back against the wall. She didn’t talk thought, just sat there with a far off look in her eyes.

As for Luna herself, she kept silent throughout the whole mess, refusing to speak with Celestia. Even to assure the big pony that she would in fact NOT have chosen suicide like I told her sister several times.

“I should have just kept my mouth shut,” Celestia mumbled in an empty voice as she leaned back against the wall with a vacant expression. “My sister was happy, I was-”

“Miserable?” I asked before Celestia could lie to herself some more. She looked over to me, and I turned my head away. “Not that I can blame you. You spend years looking for a pony that could save Luna and then this happens.”

Celestia sighed. “It’s not your fault,” she said before lowering her head and letting out a snort. “I say that. But, in all honesty, I don’t really… Nightmare?”

I looked back to the princess. “Yeah?”

“You can have my body, if you want,” she said.

The offer made me blink. “Say what?”

Celestia gulped and blinked away the remains of some tears. “Please, tell me that you’ve been fooling us this whole time,” she begged. “That you can leave Luna whenever you want.”

“Tia-”

“Because if you are, and you’re just afraid what will happen to you if you leave, then you can have me!” Celestia offered. “I won’t even pester you to do any of my duties! Please, just take me! Come inside me, Nightmare Moon!”

Before I could say anything, which probably would have taken a while after hearing that, Luna opted to say something. “So, you still think of her as a monster.”

Celestia flinched. “L-Luna, I’m just-”

“Repeating the same offer I gave her the first week we had returned?” Luna asked coldly. “Tell me, how are you allowed to offer yourself as a host to Nighty, while I am not?”

The question put Celestia’s ears down. “Because...you’re my little sister. I’m supposed to take care of you.”

“So I am like a foal that needs you to take care of her now?” Luna demanded. “Shall you wrap me in swaddling and force me to suck from your teats?! You are-bruth-Mmmruprth!”

I struggled for a few seconds to keep Luna’s mouth covered with her hooves until she stopped trying to talk. When she finally let go of her mouth, I sighed and hung her head. “Sorry Tia,” I apologized to the other pony. “Which...probably amounts to nothing, all things considered.”

Celestia shook her head. “I hear the words, but my heart...I don’t…” She sighed. “I talk about forgiveness time and time again, but when it comes to actually doing it myself…”

“Well I hardly think I should be forgiven for possessing your sister when I’m still inside her,” I told her. If she had a problem with it afterwards, then I’d take issue. But until then, I sided with Celestia in her non-forgiveness of me.

The problem with this whole thing was Luna. She got all pissed off over defending someone that didn’t want to be defended and...okay, that might make her feel like the closest person, or pony, she knows was teaming up with Celestia to oppose her.

Which...yeah, that probably didn’t make her want to listen to anything either of us had to say.

They needed something else to talk about.

Something that would give Celestia a bit of hope and make Luna talk about the issue.

Even if the idea in and of itself was pretty cringeworthy to me.

I took in a deep breath to steady myself. “Luna...does have a plan to give me a body of my own.”

Celestia’s head shot up to look at us with wide eyes. “What?” she asked. “Luna, you mean to tell me you could have gotten rid of Nightmare Moon this whole time?!”

Luna took back her head for a moment to quickly spin it away from Tia. “Humph!” Then she crossed one pony-arm over her barrel and followed through with the other one.

I sighed and looked back to Celestia. “Yeah, it’s just...complicated,” I told her. “And uh...well...okay, look...if we actually are going to try it...I uh, well...I want to try and ask Shining Armor to help with it first.”

“Help with what, exactly?” Celestia.

Luna took back control of her mouth. “How would Shining Armor provide help create your new vessel, Nighty?”

A question which made me very uncomfortable. “Uh...you know, by uh...ahem! H-Helping you, make one...the way uh, a-all ponies...do? Traditionally?”

“WHAT?” both Luna and Celestia yelled at the same time.

I sputtered. “W-Well, it doesn’t have to be Shiny. But, I don’t think we want to just get some pony from off the street and...uh…” Okay, I didn’t want to actually say Flurry Heart, but Shining Armor must have had some pretty damn good genes if his wife could make an alicorn with him as the sperm donor. And I had gotten pretty used to being able to fly and use magic, damnit!

A second later, Celestia shook off her shock. “Y-You’re going to breed a new pony for the Nightmare to inhabit?”

“No!” Luna exclaimed angrily to Tia. Then she looked around to her shoulder. “That is-I don’t-HOW COULD YOU EVEN THINK MY PLAN INVOLVED ANYTHING LIKE THAT?”

I cowered from Luna’s outburst, which was pretty hard considering that I was in her body. “B-But you said, uh...it would be unpleasant and, uh…”

“Yes!” Luna yelled at me. “To everypony else involved. Not to mention that thanks to my sister’s actions, my already dismil reputation will be completely destroyed.”

And just like that, Celestia took on the air of a kicked puppy. “I...Luna, I…”

So I quickly threw myself on that grenade by way of distraction. “Hey, remember when I volunteered to sleep Luna with your niece’s coltfriend to get her pregnant? Let’s go back to talking about that!”

By the time we got done and Luna told me just how the hell she planned to detach me from her body thanks to an odd workaround that probably would have destroyed Equestria if not for the extenuating circumstances of, you know, there being a good Nightmare Moon trotting around, we were both beat.

And, since we were a trio of girls that just finished getting all super emotional, that meant it was time to consume a copious amount of sweets and ice cream. Luckily, we were at Rarity’s, which meant that there was a ton of both. And being the Element of Generosity, we knew that she wouldn’t mind us eating all her stuff.

After putting half a gallon of the cold goop down Luna’s throat, I asked a question that had been nagging me since Dog City. “Celestia, I gotta know. What exactly was going through your head when you decided to shove the dogs that had lived in Equestria for years and the ones that you just captured into the same area?”

“That it was the only option,” Celestia told me.

I raised an eyebrow, making her go on. “If I had the refugees settle in their own area, it would have only created jealousy among both communities. The new canines would have had to work at building their own city, which would have required the help of the ponies of course. Which the older dogs that had lived peacefully in Equestria for generations would have seen as me taking favorites with newcomers that in their eyes. Many would have said that the newcomers wouldn’t have deserved the help because the last thing they had done was attempt to invade Equestria. The only thing I could do was put them together in the hopes that the dogs that had lived in Equestria for so long would help them integrate.”

Luna snorted. “You always were too soft, Sister.”

Celestia raised an eyebrow as she tossed a chocolate into her mouth. After swallowing it, the big pony spoke. “I prefer to put faith in others.”

Which...was probably Celestia’s greatest failing. Not that she had hope for the future, but...she treated all the species as if they were the same. While that might have worked when every sentient creature on the planet was human or pony or whatever, the difference in brain chemistry, lifespan and a dozen other things that couldn’t be willed into nonexistence through understanding meant that you couldn’t just do the same thing to everyone and expect the same result.

It was like having a pet tiger. A person could put one in a cage and raise it from day one, thinking that with enough love and attention, the big predator would just turn into a giant pussycat. And for awhile, it might even work. But one day, the tiger would remember that it was a predator, and the thing feeding it was also food to be eaten.

“For without faith-”

I stopped Celestia before she could finish. “Yeah, yeah, your the optimism and Luna’s the pessimism, two halves of the same coin, I got it the first time,” I grumbled. Which also made me wonder if ponies had their own insufficiencies in the behavioral department.

We went back to eating for a few minutes.

Then came the elephant in the room…

“I didn’t...I never meant to make the Summer Sun Celebration, you know,” Celestia said before tossing one of the chocolots we had taken from Rarity’s fridge into her mouth. “Honestly, I hated that stupid celebration. I hated it more than any other thing this this bucking world. At least Nightmare Night let foals get candy! The Celebration-”

Luna snorted before having me shovel some ice cream into her mouth. “Do not offer such excuses. I know you, Sister. Tis nothing more than a daylong testimate to thy ego!” she exclaimed.

“Do you have any idea what it was like before that?” Celestia grumbled. “Nightmare knocked down most of the castle but managed to avoid actually killing anypony since she kept the servants quarters unharmed. Then came all the stories about me banishing my evil sister to the moon. Two years later, I awoke in Canterlot to find this huge celebration in the castle to commemorate my victory. The sight of a banner showing me blasting the pony I loved most in this world to the moon on the anniversary of her banishment...I broke down into tears and ran away before my building rage would have forced me to turn all of the ponies that set the thing up to ash!”

The story didn’t get any sympathy from Luna. “Yes, that’s so much worse than the mindscape torture that Nightmare inflicted upon me every day when Equestria awoke and denied her access to their dreams,” she said sarcastically. “By the way, you can feel pain in a dream. A fact I was made aware of daily.”

Luna’s words made me want to groan. It seemed that she didn’t want to go into the whole kiss and makeup stage yet.

Celestia blinked. “Wh-What?”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Luna told her after swallowing another bite of ice cream. “You were telling me how hearing everypony praise you for a thousand years was so horrible. Please, continue.”

The tone Luna was using got a gulp from Celestia. “I thought you...had no memory of that time.”

“Now Sister, this is about your suffering from too many ponies patting you on the back,” Luna said. “Nevermind my-”

“I changed it for you, Luna!” Celestia exclaimed. “I hated the Summer Sun Celebration being about my defeat of you, so I changed it to be something more akin to what you would have liked. Why do you think I told ponies to stay up all night in celebration instead of just waking up a little early to praise the sun and then leave shortly afterwards? I wanted to make it about enjoying your night, not me.”

Luna blinked. “Oh, well...um...that’s…” She paused and sighed before shaking her head.

As her sister stalled, Celestia kept going. “Luna, I’ll admit. I should have canceled it, I should have put my hoof down. But I didn’t, I put it off and put it off until the thing had grown so big that stamping it would would have caused such a headache that I just decided to move it to the night and maybe even then I just told myself that it was for you when I just making it so I wouldn’t have to deal with an annual reminder that I had banished you.”

“Well, um…”

Celestia didn’t stop. “After five minutes!” she cried. “After five stupid minutes, I just went and grabbed the Elements b-because, I-I don’t even know anymore! You had transformed and you were beating me and I was so afraid and-and stupid! I could have taken the Elements and run away! I could have had faith in you to fight your way out of the Nightmare, but no! I took the easy way out. I always take the easy way out!

“Like with Nightmare Night,” Celestia went on. “After you disappeared, I got so fed up with ponies dirtying your name with stories that made you look worse and worse that I used my magic to erase all mention of you from the historical records and decreed that your name never be spoken again. Within a generation, nopony even knew I ever had a sister. But, while stories of Luna had disappeared within a generation, records of Nightmare Moon still existed, even if they were incomplete because they omitted you. From those stories, the traditions grew and eventually became what they were.”

The mention of her most hated of nights got a snort from Luna. “Would you quiet your prattling already, Sister?” she grumbled. “I understand that you had it rough, erasing all mention of my accomplishments so that the only thing left was a holiday that ingrained a deep seeded fear of me from foalhood! At the rate you were going, I was lucky the first meal I had ingested at the palace wasn’t poisoned to save Equestria from the foal eating monster!”

“Luna, I am trying to own up to my mistakes here!” Celestia said.

“No! You are fishing for forgiveness for everything you feel guilty for over the past century!” Luna shouted back at Celestia. “You remove every bit of positive information about me and leave nothing but exaggerated legends of evil deeds! You make it impossible to ever be thought of as a good pony or anything near your authoritative equal by the majority of Equestria, and you say this now because you want me to give you some blanket forgiveness for it like you did for me when I returned. Well I don’t! So congratulations, Sister. You’re the bigger pony once again. You can forgive me for going mad in my loneliness, when I had nothing. But I can not forgive you for erasing my legacy and ensuring that nopony would remember me when you had everything.”

Celestia took in a deep breath to let out a long sigh before she looked down at herself. “Luna, that’s...I...there’s nothing I can do about that now. I should have been a better sister instead of going off to parties. I should have intervened back then instead of leaving you alone. I should have kept the historical records intact instead of telling myself that it would be better if nopony knew about you. There are a million things that I should have done differently. I can’t change anything that happened before today. All I can do is try to be a better sister to you from here on out,” she said in an empty voice. “I know it’s not enough, but...but it’s all...I can...d-do f-for you now.”

“And what of Nightmare Moon?” Luna asked in a cold tone.

Celestia's eyes went wide and she turned as stiff as stone. “Ah...Nightmare...Moon,” she said before looking up at me.

I pushed off Luna’s scowl and gave Tia a bright smile. Might as well make this as easy as I could for her. “Yes, Tia?”

“...” The white pony’s lips trembled. “I...I’m sssss...I’m sorryIsentabunchofponiestotryandkillyou,” she said in a rush before mumbling something I couldn’t quite make out.

“Even if you did deserve it.”

“Wow, that was…” I honestly had no words. Forced apologies aren’t worth the air spent to make them and only really exist to let the guy forcing them out feel in control...which, okay, Luna really needed to feel, but...yeah, I wasn’t all that taken in by it.

Especially seeing as how I didn’t really think Celestia needed to apologize for her actions regarding Nightmare Moon, so… Crap, I’d have to fake enough sincerity for both of us.

“Oh, that’s okay Celestia,” I told her in a happy tone. “We forgive you...right?”

Luna went back to giving a half-frown. “I do not remember to agreeing to anything of the sort,” she said evenly. “But as Celestia said, there is nothing we can do about the past. So let us move on into the future. Now, let us return to our fitting. Nightmare, to the main room.”

I did as instructed, with Celestia following close behind. We found our dresses where we left them, but Rarity was absent both downstairs and up.

After we finished were checking Rarity’s upstairs bathroom for uh...okay, look. We had to use it, alright? Ice cream goes through ponies like water. Anyway, when we were done, Celestia called out from downstairs. “Luna, could you come down here for a moment? There’s um...just come down here.”

Luna talked me down the stairs meant for a much smaller pony and we looked over to the white pony with a worried look on her face that was standing at the open door. “What is it, Celestia?” she asked.

“There’s um...well, look,” she said before pointing out the doorway with her hoof.

I trotted up to join her and blinked at the assembled mass of ponies.

All the ponies.

Well, at least all the ponies in Ponyville. Including the construction ponies that didn’t know the names of but were pretty sure were construction ponies based on their little yellow hats. So...yeah, three-hundred ponies, plus transients were standing outside Rarity’s boutique.

Or was it Rarity’s Boutique? I’d have to ask her about that when she wasn’t the quivering mess I saw at the edge of the mob of ponies.

“Uh...what’s going on everypony?” I asked nervously.

There was a tense silence that had me glancing over to an equality confused Celestia before somebody in the crowd spoke up. “Are we gonna have a civil war?”

“WHAT?” Celestia cried out as she took a step back and threw out her wings in surprise.

“I call Nightmare Moon’s side!” a pony called out.

“No, we’d be on Princess Luna’s side.” another pony said.

“Wouldn’t that be Queen Luna, to us?” a third pony asked.

“I kinda like the title Empress Nightmare Luna,” a fourth chimed in.

A blue blur flew over to the group that was talking. “Hey, stop talking treason,” Rainbow Dash said before she zoomed over to Celestia. “Don’t worry Princess Tia, I’ve got your back. Me and my friends can just just get the elements and zap Nightmare Luna back to-”

“Uh Dashie,” Pinkie chimed in. “I’m siding with Empress Nightmare Luna. She’s giving me snuggles.”

I glanced over to Tia and winced when I saw an angry frown on her face. “WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT’S PONY ARE YOU ALL GOING ON ABOUT?” she demanded of the crowd. All of the ponies stopped talking about allegiances, Luna’s title and everything else as Celestia looked around before settling her angry gaze on the white unicorn near the front of the group. “Rarity, be so kind as to give me a-” was as far as Celestia got before the unicorn’s eyes rolled up in the back of her head and she collapsed into a stiff mess.

The sight made me blink. “Wow...she actually fainted,” I said before looking over to the pink earth pony that had it more together than most of the others around us. “Pinkie, what’s going on?”

“Oh, well ya see. A lot of ponies heard you and Princess, or not-right-now-Princess Celestia shouting at each other really, really loudly through the walls of Rarity’s house before Rarity and Fluttershy came out going on and on about how the two of you were fighting and it was the end of the world and stuff,” she said. “And then everypony started getting worried and talking about war and end of the world, and a lot of other stuff.”

At which Rainbow Dash decided to open her big dumb mouth. “Which is totally crazy!” she exclaimed. “We’d just smack some sense into Pinkie and use the Elements to banish your sis-ack!”

Celestia glared at Rainbow Dash as she held the pegasus in her magic an inch from her muzzle. “You do not want to finish that sentence.”

“Y-Yes Ma’am!” Rainbow Dash squeaked out.

Once she dropped Dash onto the ground, Celestia cleared her throat and stepped forward. “My little ponies. I am afraid that this has been taken a bit too heavily. My little sister and I were simply having a spat that got a bit out of hoof,” she said before looking back to us. “Right, little sister?”

“...Luna?” she asked again when no response came from the moon mare.

“Pray tell, how many of you would declare yourselves for me?” she asked.

Celestia gave us a frown. “L-Luna! Now is not the time for joke-” As several ponies raised their hooves, the white mare looked back to the crowd in disbelief.

“Upon seeing my numerical superiority, I would recommend surrender, Celestia,” Luna told her evenly.

“...you’re still angry with me, aren’t you?” the big sister asked.

So, the Great Equestrian Civil War was brought to a swift end, with the lowering of the sun in deference to the moon. The defeated party was taken to a local gazebo, while documents were drawn up in order to formalize her unconditional surrender and read Celestia the terms.

Which also confused the hell out of me, but I wasn’t about to get into a spat with Luna when she was in a mood. Then, when she finished dictating the document to Ponyville’s scribe, we brought it out to present it to Celestia via the local government official.

“...condition eight, the big sister with the word big being interchangeable with fat, mare known as Celestia shall no longer refer to her kin as little, and that part is italicized, Your Highness,” Mayor Mare said before looking back to the treaty that Luna had written out.

Celestia gave Luna a hurt look. “Luna, I...that’s a term of endearment. I-”

“Like to constantly remind me that I am your lesser?” Luna asked her in a cold tone. “Because no matter your intentions, that is how it is received.”

After sitting still for several seconds, Celestia dropped her head. “Alright. If that’s what you want, Luna. I’ll never do it again.”

Mayor Mare gave Celestia nervous look. “Um...item nine...Nightmare Night is-”

I cleared Luna’s throat. “Ahem! We uh, decided to not do that one, remember?”

“Ah, y-yes. Right,” Mayor Mare said before she put the document down on the table and struck a line through the final line. “There we are, Your Highness. Now ah...if you could just...sign here, please?”

Celestia looked down at the paper for a moment before quickly turning her attention back to us in worry. “You were going to abolish Nightmare Night?”

“Not about you Luna, foals really enjoy it, be the bigger pony here,” I very quickly mumbled before my landlord took back her mouth. “Indeed. Although...after hearing some of Nighty’s arguments, I will concede that the original purpose of the holiday for which it was made has been supplanted by a new one that I can...live with.”

Celestia completed her humiliation by signing the agreement while Photo Finish documented the event. After passing it back to the mayor, she let out a sigh. “Now that we’ve gotten that finished,” the white pony said before we heard a distant wailing that was punctuated by a soft pop.

Right before there was a louder one right on the table that left a purple unicorn standing in the space between us. “Wait! Princess Celestia! Don’t give up!” Twilight cried. “We can rally the troops in Canterlot! We can form a resistance movement. We can-urmp!”

“Twilight, I’m going to ask you a question and remove my hoof, and then, you are going to answer that question without talking about anything else, understand?” Celestia asked. When Twilight nodded, she withdrew her hoof. “Are you just now getting here?”

The purple pony sat down and nodded. “Yes, Princess. I got hungry and had to leave my lab to find something to eat. One of the Loyalists near the construction zone told me that we had lost the war to Nightmare Luna’s forces,” she said before giving us a hesitant look and turning her attention back to Celestia. “Are we supposed to call her Empress, now?”

“That wasn’t part of the treaty,” Luna informed her.

“What have you been doing all this time while the entire town was gathering outside Rarity’s shop?” Celestia asked.

Twilight got a little worried as the bigger pony looked at her. “I was...working on my project. T-The one that I have to show you by the end of the week.”

The answer made Celestia wince. “Yes well…” she cleared her throat and recovered. “Twilight, you’re here to study friendship. While I have no problem with you having other areas of study, there is something wrong when your friends are pounding on the laboratory door that you’ve put a sound dampener on to keep from being interrupted.”

“Uh, but isn’t she working on the project that you told her to because you wanted her out of-”

Celestia spun around to look at Rainbow. “Not now Dash!”

“Ahem!” she began again. “You’re here to study friendship, Twilight. So, don’t lock the door when you’re friends are pounding on it and screaming for your help.”

Twilight hung her head. “Yes, Princess.”

“Although, I suppose that if you had intervened, I wouldn’t have learned what I did,” she went on.

That got my attention. So I looked up from the sad purple pony and over to the big fat one. “You actually learned something today, Tia?”

“Indeed,” she said with a nod. “I learned that it is never good to bottle up one’s emotions, especially those of the unpleasant nature. Like I’ve been doing with you for...well, if we go from your first existence, one-thousand years. So…” Celestia took in a deep breath. “I don’t like you, Nightmare Moon. I’ve tried, I’ve done everything I can to move past what you were but...I can’t. I know that you are a different pony now, but every time I look at you...all I can see is the monster that took my sister from me and that’s my failing, not yours.”

I had no idea what to say to that. “Oh...I, um...that’s...oh…”

“I should have said something from the beginning instead of just smiling and acting like everything was normal,” she said. “If I had done that, maybe I could have figured out a way to deal with my emotions better. But, I didn’t, and now we have come to this.”

“...I forgive you...Sister,” Luna said in a tired tone a little bit later. “For your actions of this day and...all of those during my absence. If you are willing to go through all of this, I suppose I can let go of my anger as well.”

“You know Luna, your sis never said she stopped hating-”

“I hate it that you got discovered as a model while I was left behind, Fluttershy!” Rarity cried out.

“Well I hate being a model, Rarity!” Fluttershy replied happily. “I only did it because you kept encouraging me!”

“I hate pies, Pinkie!” Rainbow Dash said. “Like, all the pies.”

The pink pony let out a horrified gasp. “How could you say that?” she cried out. “You never even met my family!”

“...and on that note, I think I’m gonna head back to Canterlot,” I told her before grabbing Pikie in Luna’s magic as Rainbow Dash gave her one of the pegasus’s pattentened WTF? looks.

“Twilight,” Celestia spoke up as I put Pinkie on my back and looked around for aides.

“Yes, Princess Celestia?”

When I found them I waved them over and gave them the signal for Luna’s chariot to be readied.

“This whole ordeal has left me feeling rather drained,” she said. “Let’s go get a bite to eat. I need to talk to you about your attitude towards me this past decade.”

As Twilight started making excuses for how she might have slipped in her level of decorum over the years, I made my exit in the skies above the crowd, catching a few confessions here and there.

“Ah can’t stand how the majority of the words coming out of your mouth are Eyeep and Nope!” a little filly told her elder brother. “Give me a real sentence more than twice a week.”

“I don’t like it that you’re always quiet about your past, Bon-Bon! I want you to let me in!” a minty unicorn told Ponyville’s resident secret agent...that I should probably talk Luna into giving permission to talk about her past. Not to mention create some sort of background security detail for the girls.

“I hate that everypony in this country thinks you need a gray mane to run for public office!”

As we pulled away from the little town, Luna smiled to herself. “I must say, that went over rather well,” Luna said.

Pinkie gave us a sniffle. “D-Dashie hates Piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeees!” she cried out before letting the waterfalls loose.

“...for the most part,” I added before picking the pink pony up and holding her close as we flew towards the sunset.

I Kick the Train off its Tracks Rip up the Tracks and Blow up the Mountain Pass They were Going Through

So, I brought Pinkie back to the palace and had dinner with her and Trixie after getting my little pony to stop crying over the fact that Dash ‘hated’ her family. Then came the after dinner pre-bedtime board games, followed by the necessary bath and finally, sleep.

Which didn’t really mean all that much to me and Luna. One moment, we were snuggling with the most comfortable of snuggly ponies, and the next, we were standing in the dreamscape. I wanted to go and have a follow up discussion with Celestia, but there a few nightmares to take care of. So, we went to the first mass of negative emotions and…

I blinked at the dark, blackish-blue pegasus with the rainbow mane that looked like it hadn’t been combed in months.

“Bring forth the worst tasting food in all of Equestria,” wobniaR said.

I sighed and looked over to Pinkie as she pulled a cart of pies into the center of Ponyville, where I was conveniently positioned. “Pinkie, we’ve been over this. it’s okay if Rainbow doesn’t like a certain type of pastry.”

“Eeeeeek! SAVE US PINKIE!”

I looked behind me and frowned. “And she wasn’t saying that she hated your family,” I assured her. “Plus, I’m sure Maud would never scream like that.”

Pew pew BOOM!

“And Rainbow doesn’t have eye lasers,” I told her after wobniaR blasted a cart full of pies.

Luna popped her little head up from behind me. “Though, We must admit, that is a rather awful idea.”

As Pinkie gave the little-Luna a wide-eyed, pained look, I let out a long sigh. “Luna, remember the weeks of language lessons we had to avoid stuff like that when we first came here?” I just prayed she didn’t have a relapse come Winter. A princess ordering another bundle of sticks to be thrown into the fire the wrong way could lead to some real problems. Or Blueblood getting his a bit early...which really wasn’t all that bad.

Then, once Pinkie’s nightmare was dealt with, I took care of a few monster under the bed fears, timber wolf worries, and a particularly disturbing dream where Trixie got up on her newly rebuilt wagon-stage but nopony remembered her name. Although, I suppose that was better than everyone hating her for something she could only take five percent of the blame for.

After that, we went to check in on Celestia and...we’ll…

“Luna, would you kindly tell Nightmare Moon that it would be much easier for me to honor our agreement if she not make your dream body as small as a foal’s,” the big mare said in a tense tone.

“Nighty, please inform my sister that I prefer this body in the dreamscape these days as it is more fun,” Luna told me. “And if she has a problem with it, then tough cookies! Nyyyyyah!”

I sighed and slumped. “Tia, can you please just tell me how your dinner with Twilight went?”

The white pony gave me an even look for several seconds before groaning and and rolling her eyes. “Fine. But when I’m done, you’re leaving my sister and I alone to talk in peace.”

I awoke with Luna sandwiched between two ponies. Trixie clung to me with a disturbing amount of fierceness. Pinkie was a lot less clingy and...well, a much better bed partner. She was actually the best pony I had slept with. Her body was the perfect amount of squishiness and support, a living plushie with hair that smelled like cotton candy.

Trixie picked her head up to smack her lips and look around. “Wha? Is it morning already? Trixie is still tired,” the blue unicorn whined.

“Such is the cost of a worried and restless sleep,” Luna told her.

“And it’s nearly noon,” I deadpanned.

The blue unicorn groaned before looking over to the bathroom door. “Trixie needs to pee.”

Either we woke her up with our talking, or Pinkie had some internal clock that...well, okay, if she really did have one of those things, she probably would have been up a lot sooner. Before the sun, even.

Anyway, Pinkie’s head popped up and she looked around. “Wow, I slept really late!” she exclaimed before standing up. “Okay! Morning exercises!”

I blinked as the pink pony began to perform movements that were obviously intended to increase her flexibility while still on Luna’s before trotted in a circle and ended up straddling me with her body going the opposite direction of the one I was inhabiting.

In other words, her butt was right in Luna’s face.

“Pinkie, please point your plot away from my nose,” I asked her as nicely as I could.

“Just a second, gotta shake out the-”

“NOW!” I shouted before doing it for her as she started to move her butt, which ended with Pinkie landing upside down on the floor beside Luna’s bed.

Pinkie picked her head up and gave me a little frown. “Well, somepony’s cranky when she wakes up in the pretty late but still mostly morning,” she said.

“You were rubbing you plot in Luna’s face,” I deadpanned. “I’m willing to put up with a lot of stuff, but that’s one of my lines. Don’t do it again.”

After getting up to look over the bed and giving me a pensive look, Pinkie’s face went back to smiling. “Okay!” she agreed. “So, what’re we doing today?”

Before I could reply, the door slammed open to admit a panicked white pegasus in golden armor. “Princess Luna! Come quick! It’s an emergency!”

I scrambled out of bed and after kicking Luna’s right rear leg three times to get rid of a sheet that wrapped around it, left Luna’s bedroom. Then, we quickly followed the guard out the apartment door and down the hall with Pinkie right behind us. “What has transpired?” Luna asked as we moved. “Has an eldritch abomination appeared? Do the griffons encroach on our realm? Has a display of weakness by young Cadance in the morning court enticed the mob to rise up against the crown?”

Luna’s list of catastrophe’s made me frown as we started down the stairs into the lower levels of the castle. But I didn’t comment on it. “How about you just let the guard tell us?”

Instead of doing that, the guard stopped and pointed a hoof through a large open vault door that had another guard that might have well of been his twin brother, like the several dozen others all over the castle. “Here is the problem, Your Highness.”

Although it wasn’t the first time I had seen the emergency book depository, since there wasn’t a big cloud of smoke and fire coming from the room filled with massive amounts of paper, I was at a loss as to what big emergency the guard was so worried about was. I looked inside and, other than the large pile of books haphazardly set up like they were raked leafs next to a ladder attached to the shelves, I saw nothing wrong. “Uh...somepony forgot to lock the door?”

“No, Highness, your aide!” the guard replied.

A voice a recognized as Moondancer’s moaned from inside the vault. When I looked back inside, the Twilight-recolor rose from out of the pile, her glasses a bit askew. “Scholar Moondancer!” Luna cried out before I galloped over to her. “Pray tell, what has befallen you?”

Moony rubbed her head with a hoof before she adjusted her glasses and looked up at us. “Oh, Princess Luna, I um…” the nerd blushed and looked back down. “I was reaching for a book, but when I got my hoof on it, I overextended myself and...fell.”

In other words, a book nerd messed up on books. Yeah, that’d be pretty embarrassing. Plus, you know… “Um, Moondancer, you’re a unicorn.”

“...and?” she asked.

“Magic can make books float,” I said as I demonstrated this well-known fact on one of the tomes that had buried not-Twilight.

Moondancer let out a scream before she jumped up to snatch the book out of the air. “Princess, no!” she cried after landing. “Using magic on the books causes the preservation spells to degrade several times faster than they should.”

“Hey, hold on a second,” Pinkie said, making me turn Luna around to see the pink pony giving the guards a calculating look. “If a bunch of books just fell down, why didn't you two just go inside and get her?”

The guard on the right stood up a little straighter. “Only ponies who have authorization may enter, Ma’am.”

Pinkie blinked. “Really?” she asked before promptly hopping over the threshold.

“AHHHH!” one of the guards screamed in terror. “You can’t do that!”

The pink pony cocked her head to the side. “But...I just did. Didn’tcha see?”

Both the guards moved as if to enter before Pinkie spoke again. “Wait, can you guys not get in?”

The guards froze and...I decided to stop Pinkie from playing with her new toys before she gave one of them an aneurysm. “Pinkie, come here and help us put these up,” I told her before grabbing a book out of the pile and putting it back on the shelf. Hopefully, Twilight had her help a few times at the library reshelving books. She did it like, once a week.

“Okay,” she said before hopping over. “Soooo what’cha doing in here Moony?”

“Princess, er-Nighty, asked me to look through the archives to find a book that might be in here,” Moondancer said. “But, I don’t have any details about its contents or author.”

I rolled my eyes while shoving that little voice in my head that said we were never going to find Sunset’s journal like that. “I’ll know it when I see it,” I told her.

Pinkie’s eyes lit up. “Ohhhh! It’s like a super-secret mystery scavenger hunt!” she said before she started bouncing up and down. “I wanna play!”

“Pinkie-”

Before Luna could get another word out, our field of vision was filled with that of a book cover that came from the pile. “Is this it?”

“No,” I told her.

Pinkie had the decency to put the book up before grabbing another. “Is this it?”

I couldn’t stop myself from reading the title. How to train your dragon, I thought before Luna spoke. “Neigh, good Pinkie. And We doubt that the tome Nightmare searches for is in front of us now.”

“Oh,” she said before zipping off around a corner and out of sight. She appeared in a blur of motion a second later to hold up another book. “Is this it?”

Fantastical beasts and how to avoid them, I read to myself. “No. The book I want is a lot different than any of the others,” I said, hoping that didn’t give too much away. “It’d probably take a lot longer to find.”

Pinkie lowered the book back down. “Okay,” she said. “Be back in a minute.”

When Pinkie zoomed away again, I looked back to Moondancer. “Let’s hurry this up while she’s gone.”

I looked back down the hallway that was lined with bookshelves that stretched well above Luna’s head. From what Celestia had told us, the emergency archives stretched for some ways into the mountain, and that was even with Equestria’s bigger on the inside building style that let Applejack’s chicken coop seem big as a barn once you got inside of it. Ponies could wander around for weeks inside and never get to the other end.

“I just hope we don’t have to go looking for her,” I mumbled. Which...would actually be an MLP kind of thing to happen. Me and Moondancer would have to go searching through miles and miles of books, talking about nothing and growing closer as we combed through the passages on the hunt for a pink poofy pony.

“Is this it?”

“GAAAAH!” I-er, Luna screamed before she managed to overpower my control and rear up...somehow. When I got control of her body again, I looked around and got a mess of shiny and red shoved in my face.

Moondancer let out a sigh. “Pinkie, that book doesn’t even have a title!”

I stumbled back and stopped when I saw the cover.

Pinkie spun it around and I blinked at Celestia’s cutie mark on the back. “Really? What is it then?”

“Tis a communication journal,” Luna said. “Sister used to give it to students when she had to be away or they had to go on long assignments. Her mark is on the back and the student’s is-wait, Pinkie, show us the front of that book again. The cutie mark tickles the memory.”

After using everything I had to keep from squealing in delight, I finished helping Moondancer picking up the books and told her to take the rest of the day off after she told Sparkler to cancel my everything and go hang out with Pinkie. Then I took the journal back to the lunar apartments and flipped open the book.

Dear Sunset, I didn’t bother reading further before I closed the book and looked up at the mirror in Luna’s bedroom. “Well, that confirms it. This is the journal that belonged to Sunset Shimmer, the student of Celestia’s that...went missing.”

Luna let out a dejected sigh. “I suppose that Sister will be overjoyed when we present this to her,” she grumbled.

I frowned at Luna’s reflection. “Just what is your problem with Celestia these days?”

“Why do you ask such a thing?” Luna demanded. “You heard her words from the day before!”

Even though it was Luna’s eyebrow, I was the one raising it. “The stuff you said you forgave her for.”

Taking her time, Luna crossed both of her forelegs. “I forgave her for everything that happened while I was away. However, raising an assassin to end your existence and sending Twilight to kill you happened somewhat after my return, so it doesn’t fall under the pardon that I gave her other actions. Not to mention how she has treated you since.”

“Wait, you’re mad at Celestia because she doesn’t like me?” I asked. “Luna, she’s spent a thousand years without you, because of me. Not to mention all of the other stuff I supposedly did. One-thousand years, wishing me dead. It’s not gonna just disappear in a few weeks.”

Luna snorted. “It does not mean I have to excuse it.”

“Okay, so...got the book back,” I said before looking down at it and stopping.

Even though I didn’t have a body, I felt myself beginning to get nervous. I had made the decision regarding Sunset and setting things up for her return to Equestria before smashing the mirror into a million, billion pieces so she couldn’t leave not too long after arriving in Pony Land. Every little step of my plan had been charted out and the groundwork laid weeks in advance with particular lessons on magic portals from Luna and even a moment of indulging a minor bit of curiosity after Celestia told us about Sunset had been manufactured to get a peek at the mirror. And now that I was on the cusp of going through with this, I found myself becoming hesitant.

Part of me said that bringing Sunset back was a bad idea. Certain things needed to happen in certain ways for everything to stay on course for the series. I had made some minor modification here and there, but the long-term repercussions of things like Discord never being freed, a watch tower to report Tirek’s eventual escape, and my plans to throw Starlight Glimmer in a dark hole before filling it with cement the day after Nightmare Night wouldn’t happen until after Twilight got her wings. Everything so far had gone more or less according to canon...aside from Rarity’s lack of back Fluttershy up during her modeling shoot.

Considering that was the biggest character growing event out of that whole debacle, it was a bit of a blow. If little things like that kept adding up, which would be a guarantee with an extra pony running around, I wouldn’t know how things would go. They could even spiral out of control and unleash an apocalyptic event onto the world that only Starlight’s time traveling could outdo.

I could end up destroying all life on the planet!

But on the other hand...I really wanted to pal around with Sunset Shimmer.

Oh! And uh, save her from a horrible human existence, of course. Earlier than she was scheduled to be at any rate.

So, canon, or…

Yeah, fuck canon. I WANT MY SHIMMY!

Plus, having Sunset back wouldn’t be too bad. We could keep her in Canterlot and out of the way. Minimize the damage. It might even encourage Celestia to stop getting so damn involved in Twilight’s life.

So...yeah, it was a good thing that Shimmy would be back.

“Do you suppose she’s still alive?” I asked.

Luna blinked and looked back up towards the mirror. “Pardon?”

I looked back to the book. “Sunset Shimmer. Do you think that she’s still alive?” I asked before realizing something I should have asked first. “If the book still works, I mean. On whatever world that she’s on.”

“Well,” Luna said as she took her horn to cast a spell. When it was done, her mouth started moving again. “The link is still active, so whatever is written in this book should appear in its twin.”

I grabbed a quill and pen in Luna’s magic and tore the journal open to a black page. I nearly put pen with wet ink to paper before I realized a minor detail that I should have before. “Hey Luna,” I said hesitantly. “Can you copy Celestia’s horn writing?”

The big black horse that was supposed to be a dark blue frowned. “Yes. But why would I want to do that?”

“Well, let’s say Sunset is alive somewhere,” I suggested. “Cowering, cold and alone on some evil alien world. Clutching this book next to the exit mirror, her only means of returning home. Then, one day, she gets a message. Wouldn’t it be best if she thought that message came from Celesia instead of some stranger?”

Luna frowned. “Then we should give the journal to Celestia and have her send the missive.”

I groaned. “Yeah, but this is Celestia we’re talking about here. Sunset is her daughter in all but name. Do you think she’s up to having someone giving her the slightest chance that Sunset is still around and then having it ripped away if she’s not?”

“A valid point,” Luna agreed. “What shall I write?”

“Make it short and to the point, no use writing a paragraph if it’s just going to be a waste of time,” I told her.

The Lunar pony fell for the first of my manipulations and took up the quill in her magic to write out text I couldn’t stop from reading mentally. Sunset, are you still there? If you are, please answer me. If just to let me know that you are still alive. I’m begging you.

When she finished, I continued to look at the book.

I’m not sure what I was expecting. Sunset was at school after all. She might not even have the book in her locker. Sure, it was there for Rainbow Rocks, but that was after she had been rainbow blasted. For all I knew, Sunset could have been thinking about trying to get in touch with Celestia for days before the Sirens pushed her over the edge.

“So, what shall we do with the rest of our day, Nighty?” Luna asked before using her magic to slam the book close and quickly moving back to her mouth. “I for one think that a surprise inspection of the guard barracks would-”

Bzzzzzzzzt!

I froze Luna.

Bzzzzzzzzt.

I looked back down and gasped in excitement.

Bzzzzzzzt.

OUR PHONE BOOK WAS RINGING!

Or close enough to it anyway.

Without even bothering to wait, I threw open the pages and looked inside.

Celestia?

Was all it read.

“She’s still alive,” Luna surmised.

At which point, I moved onto the second part of my super secret, super manipulative plan. “Wow, Celestia’s going to be dancing for joy after seeing this,” I mumbled.

“Indeed,” Luna agreed before smirking. “Of course, we shall give you all the credit, Nighty. I think I will enjoy watching her having to bow in thanks to you for opening the lines of communication between you and Sunset Shimmer once again.”

I giggled a bit. “Yeah, the only thing that would be better is if…” I made myself undergo a practiced pause and tapped Luna’s chin thoughtfully. “Hey, Luna. Correct me if I’m wrong here, but we have one journal on this side of the mirror, and Sunset’s on the other side, right?”

Luna looked back down at the journal. “That is correct, yes.”

“Then, isn’t there...I don’t know, some way you could...force the mirror portal back open using them as anchors to connect the doorways?” I asked.

Luna sighed. “Nightmare, that’s not how the mirror works. It...wait,” she said before going silent. “I would need to construct a magic circle that drew directly upon the power of the moon itself and...the materials are all here in the castle...so...it is in the realm of possibility. With the books acting as a connecting tether, it would be possible for us to force the portals open for a time.”

This time, it was Luna who gave a devilish smile. “Oh, imagine the look on my sister’s face when we bring her a plan to recover the estranged foal herself and hang the credit upon your horn,” she said with a dark laugh. “Is the photo artist still in Ponyville? I wish to capture the moment we tell her.”

I moved to the next stage of my plan. Despite my love for the bacon-mare, I wasn’t blind to her...pre-harmony cannon personality. While I knew that Sunset was a child crying out for help, it was the type of help that involved the proverbial five across the eyes or boot in the ass. She needed something to shake her out of what she was and back to the nice girl she had to have been before.

“Oh, I just thought of something,” I said. “She and Celestia didn’t part on the best of terms. Sure, Celestia’s gonna be happy to see her, but Sunset...what if she’s not as joyous?”

Luna scoffed. “I am sure she will be.”

I gave Luna’s reflection an even look. “This is the pony whose last words to Celestia were a shouting match. Considering the state your sister’s in right now, do you really want to chance her having to go through another emotional ordeal so soon?”

After several more seconds, Luna let out a long groan. “I suppose not. So what? We bring her back ourselves and keep her here until Sister is done recovering with her vacation?”

“Not quite,” I told her before looking back to the book. “But first, we need to send a letter in Celestia’s horn writing.

Just then the door slammed open and a pretty pink pony princess came in with a smile on her face. “Hey Nighty, hello Luna. I just got done with court and-”

“Oh! And we need to get rid of Cadance,” I said. Cadance was...an unknown. Despite the possibility of them knowing each other, I had never spoken to her once about Sunset. I had no idea what their relationship was. Were they bullies? Friends? ...Former lovers?

Cadance froze in place and blinked in confusion. “Eh?”

Despite the fact that I had planned out a good deal of this ahead of time, there was the odd last minute change or addition I needed to make to the plan in order to make the whole thing viable. Somethings though, I was able to keep on track after getting Cadance to go show Pinkie Canterlot in the hopes of finding out about any prospective mates that Twilight might have stumbled across in Ponyville. Things like the reply to Sunset that I had run through my head a few times to make it sound and Celestia as possible.

My Most Precious Student,

I can not describe to you the amount of joy in my heart upon seeing your reply. The way in which you left and and our broken relationship has been a weight crushing my soul for the past several years, and the simple fact that you are still alive and willing to talk to me once again brings tears to my eyes. So, please excuse any splotches in my message.

Ever since your disappearance, I have been hard at work personally developing a method in which the portal you fled through may be opened so that you can return to Equestria. I understand that you may not wish to come home, I do not know what life you have built for yourself on your new world, but I ask that you at least come for a visit so that we may discuss the future of our relationship in pony.

Eagerly awaiting your response.

Princess Celestia.

To which Sunset responded an hour later with…

How soon can you be ready to open it?

Once we got that out of the way, I needed to get to work renovating the castle. We didn’t have long, so Luna just used a few quick spells to recolor all of the gold to a dark blue and we used some hasty transformation magic on Celestia’s throne to replace it with one of a more evil nightmare empress that was willing to cover the world in darkness type of chair. After that, I went and got all of Luna’s night guard up early to replace all of the guards on staff in the palace.

Twinkleshine and Minuette were called back to the palace in order to pass out the new marching orders for the staff that would only apply for the next twenty-four hours. Servants were given commands to not be in the same hallway as Luna and if they were, quickly run to the nearest adjoining hallway as fast as possible. Paintings and other sun decor were taken down to be replaced by (sigh) Nightmare Night decorations.

Really good decoration that Luna magicked to be very lifelike, but still fake.

Then again, using real pony skulls was a bit too over the top, even for me.

So, after redecorating Canterlot Palace so it had a more Mordor motif, making sure there wasn’t anyone around to screw things up, and positioning the mirror in the right location for Sunset to come through at just the right place, and working out a convincing little story to show her, I went to the lowest floor in the building’s basement to have Luna start working out the mechanics of her spell.

Two painstakingly boring hours after that, the mirror sat in the middle of a complex tri-paro-something-llillagram with squiggly writing on it while the book hung in the air overhead. The whole thing glowed like a blue neon sign, giving the combo basement/dungeon I had made for ponies like Lightning Dust and Discord’s statue an eerie but fitting look. With everything ready, there was just one minor thing to do so that it all didn’t blow up in my face.

Considering what I already knew about the EQG world, I really didn’t want to know what would have happened if Luna crossed the barrier to fetch Sunset while I was possessing her. So, we tested the spell out by tossing a piece of biological matter through the mirror without shattering it before writing in the journal.

We tested the portal by throwing an apple through, if it appears on your side, it’s safe to come through.

I wrote.

There was no reply, just a massive surge of light and energy a few seconds later. “Ah crabapples! Luna get the spell ready,” I whispered a second before She came galloping through.

Although I knew what to expect, it was still a sight to see. The amber-yellow of her coat was just a bit duller than the golden-yellow of her mane and tail, with its fire-red strands creating a thing of artistic beauty on both ends of her body. There was a pair of saddlebags covering her flanks, but she was otherwise butt naked. Something I could attest to since I could, you know, actually see her butt.

Sunset Shimmer stumbled to a stop and wobbled around as she tried to find her footing. “I’m...I’m really-” she stopped and looked over to me in confusion that was slowly giving way to fright. “You’re not...Princess Celestia.”

While not exactly what I had expected her to say, it was close enough for me to work with. “No, no I’m not,” I said before Luna quickly blasted the amber unicorn in the face. Honestly, I wanted to have a big evil super villain moment, but...Sunset could teleport, and I didn’t want her getting away while I was doing the obligatory head thrown back for maniacal laughter thing.

The sleep spell kicked in and Sunset collapsed like a marionette with her strings cut. Not that I had actually seen one of those since before coming to Equestria...or afterwards either. Which...made me really want to go to a puppet show run by a fat unicorn now that I thought about it.

“Nightmare, she will only be unconscious for another eight minutes.”

I shook myself out of visions of dancing dolls and questions of why unicorns didn’t just make dolls dance without strings, and quickly shook loose the horn-ring hidden away in Luna’s feathers before slapping it on Sunset’s head-boner.

Which was something I would never think of to classify a unicorn’s horn as again because of the mental imagery those two words brought up when used together.

Then I magicked her up into the air and carried Sunset into one of the nearby jail cells meant to hold a psychotic lilac unicorn that swapped cutie marks like cheap stickers. Even without the ring on her horn, she wouldn’t have been able to cast crap.

A strange sound sputtered from Luna’s magic circle and I blinked as the magic suddenly died out. “Uh...what just happened?”

“Hmm, bring me the contents of her bag, Nighty,” Luna said.

When I floated the thing over and emptied it out as instructed, Luna let out a telltale hmmm and focused her eyes on one of the books. A book with a pair of cutie marks on it. “Without the other journal, the connection was unsustainable.”

A shiver of fear ran through me as I realized the implications of that. Without further Equestrian involvement, who would deal with the Dazzlings or...Forgetty-McWhat’sherface? You know, the lame villain that got angry because she made everybody forget her?

Well, it wasn’t that big a loss. All the Sirens could do without Equestrian magic was hypnotize people into giving them free tacos and other lame villain was just lame. Earthquestria would survive those idiots.

I had a Shimmy to reform!

Without wasting any time, Luna placed a recording spell so that Sunset wouldn’t be able to deny anything we got her to say over the course of her imprisonment. You know, stuff showing her love for Celestia, concern for others, things that the human student Sunset would deny until the cows came home.

Right on que, Sunset let out a groan and slowly stirred from unconsciousness. “Wha? Why can’t I feel my-” she sat up to look at her forelegs, completely ignoring me. “Right...hooves.” The unicorn closed her eyes and it looked like she concentrated for a second before Sunset opened her eyes again. “What the? Why isn’t my magic working?”

“It’s because of the magic suppressor I placed on your horn,” I said in Luna’s best snide super villain voice. “Not that you would have been able to cast magic anyway. That cell once held Celestia after all.”

Sunset’s expression went from confused and wary to slightly angry and lost. “What?”

I gave my best reserved little chuckle. “You know. Celestia, former Princess of Equestria. Alicorn who used to raise the sun. At least until I returned and...replaced her.”

“What are you talking a-who are you?” Sunset demanded towards the end.

I gave her another ‘kehehehehehe’ kind of laugh. “Don’t tell me you don’t recognize me, Sunset Shimmer. You must have heard the stories. You know, about the alicorn that Celestia betrayed and stabbed in the back during the first few years of Equestria?” I said before walking back and forth in front of Sunset’s jail cell to give her a full view of Luna’s cutie mark. “You must have heard a few stories about this land’s rightful ruler. The true Princess of Equestria!”

“Nightmare Mooooooon! Muhahahaha!” I laughed dramatically before looking back down at the amber unicorn. “Of course, you need no introduction, Sunset Shimmer!”

Sunset tensed a little at the sound of her name. “Wha-”

“Oh yes, Celestia had quite a lot to say about you,” I said before sitting on Luna’s fit butt and speaking in the most mocking version of Celestia’s voice Luna could manage. “You haven’t won yet, Nightmare Moon. One day, my student Sunset will return, and she will help me to overthrow you. Sunset will come back, Sunset will save me! I know my Sunset will find a way to defeat you!”

I went back to Luna’s normal voice. “Of course, she had her variations, like….you can break my wings and shatter my legs, but I know that one day Sunset return to bla blabla bla bla! Eventually it got so boring that I snapped her horn off and drove it through her heart. Then all she had to say was grk! Glk! Gluuuuah! And she’s been silent ever since.”

“N-No,” breathed in shock.

I put on a smile and nodded. “Oh yes. It’s really quite rude. She doesn’t talk to anypony now. I put her head up on my new throne. I can go show you, if you wish.” As if I would ever even make such a thing, even with Luna’s magic. No, Sunset was staying right here until she proved how not evil she was.

Sunset looked up at me with a mix of hopelessness and fear. “This...this can’t be real,” as she slid down onto the ground. “Celestia...you can’t...be gone.”

“Oh, I’m afraid so,” I told her as I turned around to walk away a few steps before Sunset could do something dirty, like start crying. Even my acting talents had their limits.

Stay strong! I told myself before moving onto the second part of my super villain monologue. “Of course, I did still need to get information on Celestia’s last pupil. What with Cadance being dead and all, she died screaming too by the way. I was forced to turn to Celestia’s diaries. Talk about emotional garbage!” I said before switching back to my fake Tia tone. “Today, I met the most amazing unicorn filly, her name was Sunset Shimmer. Sunset has more talent than any pony I’ve ever seen! Sunset’s parents funeral was today, I promised them I would watch over their filly as if she were my own.

“Oh! I almost forgot my favorite one,” I said before I started Celestiaing again. “When I began taking care of Sunset, I had thought only to provide for her education and physical needs. But I must admit to myself, that I have begun developing a fondness for the filly that far surpasses anything I felt before with any my other students. I want to go further, become closer, but I have to be fair to her. Sunset already had one mother. It wouldn’t be right to try and replace her. I need to be strong and keep these feelings of maternal love hidden, for Sunset’s sake.”

I laughed again and turned around to grin at the stunned amber unicorn before approaching her cage and grinning. “Celestia actually wanted to make herself your new mommy. Isn’t that rich?”

There was a slight twitch, a visual cue of something snapping deep inside of her before Sunset launched herself at the bars to her cell, screaming in rage. “GAAAAAAAH!” she shouted. “MONSTER! I’ll kill you. When I get out of here. I’ll kill you!”

“Oh my, such rage!” I taunted as best I could. “It’s no wonder a weakling like Celestia decided you were a waste of time teaching in the end.”

“SHUT UP!” Sunset screamed. “WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING?! CELESTIA WAS...Celestia…” Tears began to form in Sunset’s eyes. “She was...she…”

I grit Luna’s teeth and sucked in a deep breath through my nose. It was almost done. Had to keep it together. Couldn’t let the...crying pony...get to me. In order to keep my cool, I took a quick ten count.

“Oh Celestia, I’m sorry, I...I should have...why couldn’t I have just listened to you?”

The was a slight rumbling overhead.

“NIGHTMARE MOON! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY PALACE!?”

I looked up at the ceiling and shook off the odd noise coming from above. The distraction helped me clear my head, and I went onto stage three: the evil temptation to cement Sunset’s turn from a heel by rejecting ultimate power. She wasn’t supposed to be crying, but...everything else was good enough.

As for me, I had managed to pull it together again. After all, the...psychological torture I was inflicting was for Sunset’s own good. With any luck, the next time she saw Celestia, only one of them would be a pony with a three foot horn stuck up her ass.

“Oh my, such rage,” I said before opening the door to the cell and taking down the magical wards. Sunset still had her horn ring on, so I didn’t have anything to worry about. “You know, there’s no need for us to be enemies, Sunset. I know what happened between you and Celestia, how she cast you out. How you left seeking power, your rightful place in Equestria.”

Sunset glared up at me. “Fl-urk!” she grunted. I guessed that she ran into the same language barrier I had upon arrive in Equestria. I had to repress a chuckle. “Buck. You.”

“Come now, Sunset. There’s no need for you to be like that,” I told her. “I could do things for you that Celestia never did. Give you what should be yours. Even teach you how to preen them.”

That got Sunset’s attention. “W-What?”

I got in the amber unicorn’s face. “Think of it. Alicornhood...a place in the royal household. Celestia might have been too frightened to take the place of your parents, but I am not nearly the coward she was. Together, we could rule Equestria as mother and daught-” That was as far as I got before she slugged me in the eye.

“AAAAAAAAAAAH!” I reached up and covered Luna’s injury as my ears picked up the sound of Sunset’s hooves on the stone, followed by the cell bars slamming shut.

“As soon as I get this thing off my head, I’ll be back to fry you, YOU BITCH!” Sunset shrieked at me as I heard her galloped away from me and towards the stairs.

Luckily for me, Luna’s body recovered quickly. A very brief bit of fear ran down my spine before I remembered that you had to have a working horn and code to activate the magic dampening field. If I wasn’t the person in this sudden turn-around, I would have been geeking out over Sunset outsmarting the evil mastermind.

As things were, I needed to grab her before something else wrong happened with my brilliant plan.

And that’s when I heard the screams at the top of the dungeon stairs.

Two screams to be precise.

There were was a crash and shattering of some glass.

And some kind of...splooshy sound that Luna’s pegasus ears picked up.

Followed by tumbling.

By the time I got out of the cage and over to where I could see the stairs, the two ponies finished coming down, covered in spots of cake and frosting. The first was Sunset. Thankfully, she she landed on something big and heavily padded with cake on the inside of her white coat.

“Sister...we thought you were to be at the Corner of Sugar and Cubes in Ponyville,” Luna asked.

“One of the guards flew into the bakery and reported that Nightmare Moon had gone mad and seized power back in Canterlot,” Celestia said as she groaned rolled over, knocking Sunset off of her as she stood up. “Then I came home. What did you do to my palace?”

Luna frowned. “Your palace?” she grumbled. “What happened to ruling equally?”

Despite the fact that Celestia made me wonder if she was fucking blind when she got up without even noticing Sunset, I couldn’t help but ask something. “You’re eating a whole cake for lunch?”

Celestia groaned. “Yes, I’m cheating on my diet,” she said before letting out a disgruntled sigh. “Now, about the deco-”

“Ugh,” Sunset groaned before she picked herself. “What hit...me?”

The big white mare blinked. “Oh! I’m sorry my….” Celestia froze when she looked down. “S...Sunset?” she asked in a shaky voice.

I frowned at Celestia. “Hey! We’re having a conversation here!”

“But...how?” she breathed.

“You? Y-You’re...s-still alive?” Sunset asked in awe before looking over to me. “But-”

Ah,” Luna chimed in. “What was a deception on our part.”

“SUNSET!” Celestia yelled before snatching her up.

“You’re...just gonna completely ignore us now...aren’t you?” I asked with a little frown.

I Awaken to the Nightmare

I was dreaming.

At least, I think I was dreaming.

But it was an odd dream. Instead of a mass of memories and sensations all jigsawed together into a new form, there was...nothing. I floated in an empty void, not caring about anything.

And then, there was something else there. Not a person or an animal, or any scenery to decorate the darkness. It was just...a presence.

“No! No I shall not let this happen to me! Not again! Not so soon after being imprisoned for so long! I must escape! I must not be destroyed here!”

It wasn’t a voice that spoke, more like a feeling that had meaning.

In a daze, I looked around the empty night. “Um, hello?”

“An outsider touches my domain? YES! Fortune smiles upon me!”

I felt...something pulling at me.

“I’ll take this.”

There was a...tearing sensation. What little I had been able to tell within the dream vanished.

“And you can have that!”

Awareness quickly left me.

…

…

…

The first thing I noticed was the pain.

It hurt.

It hurt A LOT.

It hurt all over my body, but the most part of it that hurt was my head. The rest of my body felt kind of messed up. There was no sensation coming from my fingers. My wrists felt wrong. My legs were…oddly twisted. And the rest of my body just ached all over. I even hurt in places I wasn’t even sure I had. Like, there was this throbbing tingle above my head where nothing else should have been, but I hurt there too.

On top of which, I was apparently laying on something very cold and hard, and there was a weird ringing in my ears.

“Foul creature! How do you still exist?”

Or maybe it was a buzzing…

“Release me monster!”

I decided to test the functionality of my vocal cords. They hurt too by the way, sore throat. But despite that I pushed through the pain to vocalize my thoughts. “Uuuuuhhh,” I…kind of said.

Before I opened my eyes to whatever hell I had managed to stumble into the night before, before I…uh…got where I was…I tried to think just how the hell I had ended up…wherever I was.

The last thing I remembered was…

…well…

……waking up about five seconds ago, in a lot of pain.

Uh oh…that’s not good, the rational part of my brain said.

I probably would have panicked, had I not been too busy trying to catalog just what I did know.

I was a person from the planet Earth. The sky was blue. Two plus two equals four. I spoke English. Sharknado was the most over the top piece of idiocy ever made, despite its ability to draw people into watching it. Which also proved television was mankind’s greatest and yet worst invention ever. You know, the basic stuff.

Then I came to the important things, like…

My name was…

I worked as a…

My gender was…

My inability to do anything but draw a complete blank about myself was a little disturbing. Sure, I knew basic stuff about the world around me, but the stuff about me personally was…missing.

Okay, make that a lot disturbing.

I mean sure, I knew what pancakes were and their general taste. As well as facts that told me buttermilk was the best, and that pre-made stuff you heated in the microwave was total crap. But I couldn’t draw up a reason as to why I thought that, or even a single memory that backed up my theory. I just knew that pancakes were good.

So, I tried to improve my situation by opening my eyes.

It was a plan that failed rather spectacularly.

At first, the only thing I saw were a bunch of blobish shapes on a dark gray background.

Then came the voices…

“What the-It didn’t work?” the purplish blob spoke in surprise, using English. “Why didn’t it work? It was supposed to work! The book said it was supposed to work!”

The bouncing pink one was the next to speak. She had a bubbly and energetic voice. “Maybe the batteries are low. Did you bring any more magical artifact batteries Twilight?”

My memory sparked at the name, the voice, and the fact it was coming from something pink. And then I threw away the insanity of the suggestion that my mind came up with, as it was impossible. Because it was completely, utterly, impossible!

The second idea my brain came up with was much more reasonable: wherever I was, an episode of My Little Pony was playing in a room ahead of me. That was much less ‘throw me in the mental ward doc’ kind of idea. I latched onto the completely understandable idea and knew it to be true. No matter what my feelings said.

“Then let’s just zap her again!” floating blue blob yelled.

“Uh…anypony see the on switch for these things?” a orange blob asked with more than a little Southern twang on its tongue.

“Sorry but, I don’t think it works that way Applejack,” a timid voice spoke up at the edge of my hearing.

“Just great, a magical accessory that is all flash and no substance,” another accented voice chimed in, full of class.

Of course as my mind cleared, I placed the voices where they belonged, and easily decided I must be laying on the living room floor of someone’s home. So, when my vision also got cleared up, the logic centers of my brain just up and went… “Okay fuck this, I’m going on vacation.”

I found myself laying on my side in a large stone chamber that had obviously seen better days. Every single window was broken, and there were even a few vines creeping in the skeletons of the window panes that remained, none of them complete. There were columns too, nearly all of them cracked, missing major pieces that made me wonder how they were still standing, and several more broken ones. Empty braziers lined the room, with a few laying on the floor where the wall had given way. All in all, I was surprised the roof hadn’t come down yet.

And then there were the other…things in the room with me.

In front of me were…ponies.

Pastel ponies.

Little pastel ponies.

Little pastel ponies wearing fancy magical jewelry.

Little pastel ponies wearing fancy magical jewelry that I…kind of recognized.

There were six of them. Two unicorns, a pair of pegasi, and some earth ponies. They all looked very similar, with barely two inches of height difference between the mean of the lot of them, although Applejack’s hat and Pinkie’s hair might have set my measurements off a bit. Still, they weren’t cookie cutter cutouts with different colors and manes. Nor did they look like cartoons either. Although, the color of their coats were extremely colorful, as if someone had taken a marker and ran it all over their bodies.

Their heads weren’t as oversized as they should have been, but were more than just an extension of the neck like a normal horse’s was. And rounder, a lot like a person’s really. Their muzzles were a bit more defined than seen on TV as well. Hooves were more than just the end of their legs, they stood apart from the hair of the legs the ponies possessed with their smoothness, and I could detect the shiny traces of lacquer on some of them. As for the coats themselves, they were far…fuzzier looking than what a normal horse had. Meanwhile, the legs looked much different than a normal horses. They weren’t bone thin, and showed off a varying degree of muscle for each of the girls. Still, the wings were the biggest difference. They looked like…actual wings. Still kind of small for something the size of a pony, but Rainbow and Fluttershy had way more than just a handful of visible feathers.

Of course, there were some differences between the girls.

Applejack was definitely the biggest, taller by a few inches and with bulkier legs than any of the others. Her tail was also the thickest, not counting Pinkie’s poof. Her hooves were also a bit darker than the others, speaking of her lower opinion of personal looks than the rest of the group had.

The other athlete of the group was an interesting contrast to the earth pony. Like AJ, Rainbow had plenty of muscle on her. But while Applejack’s came from years of normal work that gave a natural layer of soft muscle, Rainbow’s toned body was obviously a product of careful exercise to get the right places in perfect shape. While her hair and tail looked kind of wild and unkept, the hairs that comprised her rainbow all stayed where they were supposed to be to keep from turning the thing into a seizure-causing mess.

As for Fluttershy, it was easy to see how she had gotten a modeling job. Her legs were slimmer than the rest of the girls, with a coat that was obviously well cared for and a mane with the same amount of attention put into it. Unlike Rainbow, I couldn’t see any obvious tangles in her mane or tail. She also had a full butt that was nice and round without being so big as to be called ghetto…not that I was looking all that long of course, but people tended to notice these things. Her wings also seemed to be a bit…thicker than the ones belonging to the other pegasus’s. It looked as if there was an extra layer of feathers or something.

Now Rarity, she did more than just give her coat and mane some attention. Even in the dark chamber we were in, she seemed to shimmer with fabulousness…or maybe it was just the tiny bit of glitter in her makeup. As far as Fluttershy’s coat and mane care was beyond Rainbow’s, Rarity’s was beyond hers. Fluttershy might have paid some attention to her looks, but Rarity had put in some monumental effort to curl her mane and tail so perfectly there wasn’t a hair out of place, while her horn ended in a sharpened point.

Then there was Pinkie Pie. She had a bit of pudge on her, and the most generous rear. It wasn’t that she was fat, not by a long shot, but…out of all the girls, she definitely had the most…extra size. Then there was her hair, the curly mass of messy mane and matching tail made cotton candy seem dull in comparison, but still managed to hang down past her withers while bouncing around thanks to the spring in the pony’s step.

Finally, there was Twilight Sparkle. She looked to be everything anyone would have expected from a little pony. I couldn’t say for sure, but I think she was actually smaller than her friends in…well, every measurable way but one. She was shortest of the group by an inch, and definitely lacked any sort of physique that went within a hundred miles of AJ or RD. Even Rarity and Fluttershy had thicker legs. In fact, the only thing the bookworm had going for her aside from the adorable mane that hung around the right sight of her neck was that her horn seemed a bit bigger than Rarity’s from the base up.

“Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me,” I said in a voice that surprised me. Although it was the first time I had heard my own voice, a very tiny part of me was confused. As if it was wrong somehow. Too deep. Too…sexy.

What I was seeing was not just improbable, but completely impossible. My holy memory may not have been the best of things, but…I was pretty damn sure that My Little Pony was a cartoon show, not…whatever the hell I was experiencing at the moment. “This has got to be some kind of dream.”

“If only.”

The tiny buzzing in my ear distracted me for a minute.

“Quick girls, form up!” Twilight shouted. “If the first attack weakened Nightmare Moon, then the second is sure to finish her off!”

My eyes widened at the implications of Twilight’s statement, and the fact that she was looking straight at me.

Which made me in turn look down at myself. Admittedly, not the best move when the Harmony Cannon is being pointed in your general direction, but…I was so banged up I could barely move. And what I saw…freaked me out. Freaked me out by a lot.

Okay, I may not have known my name, gender, occupation, or anything else about my past. But I was pretty damn sure I was human! But when I looked down at myself, I got…hooves.

Which of course made me look at the rest of me. It hurt a bit for me to sit up and look around, but…I somehow managed.

From what I could see, I was a mare from the show, if a bit more lifelike. Jet black hair covered my body, and I was wearing two pairs of oversized horseshoes that fit more like a slipper than anything nailed on. Like Rainbow, my body was sleek and had a defined musculature in the legs, with wings that seemed streamlined for speed and maneuverability. In fact the only part of me that didn’t seem all that toned was...my ass. It looked a little bigger than the average pony’s.

Still, the size difference between me and the others made everything a matter of perspective. My legs were thicker than Applejack’s, my wings were bigger than Fluttershy’s, my horn was definitely longer and sharper than Twilight’s and Rarity’s (not to mention the slightly different, less geometric design it followed as opposed to the ones being sported by the unicorns) and my butt was big enough to squash any of the girls in front of me underneath. As for my mane, it was… Okay, my mane wasn’t poofier than Pinkie's, but it did have its own special qualities. It wasn’t what I was expecting though. The thing didn’t just breeze around in some weird transparent mess without showing a single strand like the show, my hair did sparkle like the night sky, and the hairs did glow slightly with a soft blue light.

In short, I was in the body of Nightmare Moon. The Bringer of Eternal Night. She Who Should Not Be Named. Legendary Eater of Generous Amounts of Candy One Night Out of the Year!

“Okay girls, let’s do it!”

And I just realized that the impossibility of the situation might have made me NOT pay attention to the six mares in front of me. The mares wearing some interesting jewelry that was pretty much the Equestrian equivalent to the Infinity Gems. Glowing gems, that brought all the girls together into a specific configuration in the air.

Cue Twilight opening her eyes and displaying super magic light and… Yeah, I was screwed.

Panic overtook me. So despite trying to do the smart thing like run away, try and use some nifty magic I was pretty sure Nightmare Moon was capable of, or just getting up to ram one of the girls with my very sharp and deadly horn, I…screamed and raised my hooves in a defense that would most absurdly block an attack from a weapon that could bring down Tirek while he was running on about eight-five percent of Equestria’s magic.

Oh, I also chanted a powerful defensive spell as the rainbow shot up and around towards me. “No! No wait please don’t-” was all I managed to get out before the light of Harmony enveloped me.

As what was probably one of the primordial forces of creation consumed me, I…

…felt pretty good, actually.

The aches and pains of my body quickly faded to nothing, as did the pounding in my head. On top of which, the magic filled me with a soothing calm that wiped away my fear of being atomized, and energized my limbs with a newfound strength and made what I think was my horn tingle with energy.

I…wasn’t being destroyed by the Elements of Harmony.

I was being healed and energized by them!

Bathed in the light of the rainbow, I sifted around, getting a feel for my body for the first time. It felt…alien, and yet…easy to move. I guess a thousand years of muscle memory tends to help with those sorts of things…if that was what indeed it was. Whatever the reason for my body’s easy adaptability, I quickly discerned the difference between the controls for my forelegs and wings, which was…weird since the feathers on the end of my wings functioned almost like fingers, but I had to use unfamiliar muscles to get them going.

Then, I stood up.

Let me tell you, going from biped to quadruped didn’t help for the balance side of things. Sure, you’re probably going ‘but you’ve got four legs!’. Well…hind legs that don’t work the way they’re supposed to…or exist to begin with…don’t make anything any easier. On top of which…EVIL OVERLORD HORSESHOES WERE NOT MADE FOR WALKING ON STONE!

As soon as I got up, my front hooves slid forward and I nearly ended up falling flat on my face! In fact, the only reason I could hold onto my cool card was the fact that the lightshow imitated by the Elements of Harmony was a benevolent thing that kept anyone else from seeing me stumble.

Then, once I was upright and able to hold my position, the rainbow died out, and the mane six collapsed onto the floor. Each one of them was either panting heavily, or looked about ready to pass out from whatever strain using the Elements had put on them.

Apparently spared from death thanks to some cosmic fluke once again, I threw my head back and laughed in glee. “MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Which, okay…might have sounded just a teensy bit evil.

But what the hell did I care?

I was alive!

Healed!

And apparently in the body of some kind of supreme horse deity that was immune to the one thing that actually had the power to stop me!

“N-No!” Twilight Sparkle weakly muttered from her position on the floor as she placed her hooves on the floor to rise up…and quickly collapsed back onto the ground. “This isn’t possible. The Elements of Harmony…I discovered the spark, I figured out that it’s the six of us together to use the Magic of Friendship, so why…why isn’t it working?”

And then, full of a dark glee, I had an idea.

A wonderful idea.

A wonderful, yet awful idea.

Yes, I had a wonderfully awful idea.

“Girls!” she called out, panic creeping into her voice. “Girls we have to get up and try again!”

While the other mares moaned, groaned, and announced how they were collectively party pooped, I moved forward a step.

Ever so slowly, I moved forward.

“Twilight!” Applejack spoke up as she also tried to get up. To her credit, she actually managed to stand a few seconds before a single step took all of her energy and she collapsed.

Using extreme caution, I moved forward some more.

“Run!” Rainbow shouted before she rolled onto her stomach and tried to flap her wings enough to get airborne. One inch later, Dash crashed back into the ground.

Careful not to fall on my face, I slowly crept closer.

Rarity’s horn flickered with magic, and then died out.

And I reached my destination.

“P-please,” a horse whispered from the yellow pegasus. “Please…don’t.”

“Did you really think you were a match for me?” I asked evilly as I raised my mighty hoof and positioned its shadow over Twilight’s prone form.

Twilight didn’t reply. Like Rarity, her horn sparked on and off for a few seconds before letting out a tiny spark of magic, and then…she just stopped. Whatever last minute reserve her magic had held had run out. She was completely out of gas, and helpless.

“Now, it is time for your PUNISHMENT!” I gleefully exclaimed getting ready to bring my hoof down and…boop her on the nose. Seriously, the big evil overlord standing over her helpless opponent, just to do a nose gag. It was going to be priceless!

And so I drove my mighty appendage down in at a furious rate, and…

“NO! I SHALL NOT LET YOU HARM THE LITTLE ONES MONSTER!”

…blinked when I was overcome with a weird tingling sensation filled my foreleg. The thing jerked far to the left and completely threw me off balance while a new voice reverberated in my skull.

“What the fuuuu-buck?” my mouth managed as I lost my footing and crashed onto the hard stone.

Eye to eye with Twilight, and confused as hell, I felt the tingling move to my mouth. “Hurry Twilight Sparkle!” my own fucking mouth spoke without me willing it to move. “You must gather your friends and flee this place. I can only regain control of one part of my body from the demon at a time, and must resume my hold on her horn before she regains her concentration, lest she destroys you all with a thought! Now run! Run as fast as you can!”

As the tingling in my mouth stopped, and the feeling in my horn resumed, I started to shake off the freaky feeling of something else moving my body while getting to my feet, or hooves.

“P-Princess Luna? Was that you?” Twilight asked weakly.

I groaned, and then looked at the prone purple pony in front of me as I laid up on my stomach. “Ugh…yeah, that makes sense,” I mumbled. If I was Nightmare Moon at the beginning of FiM, then Luna would be the creature I was…possessing. And despite the fact that I was currently inside of Best Princess, I didn’t feel all that good about it.

Brony clop fantasy aside…which you know, I totally didn’t follow since I was one of those non-sex with ponies types…the fact that I was basically holding Luna hostage was just plain wrong.

I didn’t want to hurt Luna! Getting a few jabs in with Celestia might have been fine, but whoever picked on Wittle Woona deserved to burn in the fiery pits of Hell!

“Hey Luna, you there?” I asked while looking upwards just a little bit. It was the best way I could act like I was talking to my own head. “Luna?”

“Do not address me monster! I told you centuries ago any conversations between the two of us were over!”

I sighed at the voice in my head (or was I the voice in her’s?) and slowly stood up. “Um yeah okay, but…mind if I point something out real quick?” I asked.

“…what is it?” the disembodied voice in my head asked.

“Well it’s just…I’m not going to hurt them,” I added after a few seconds. Admittedly, I could have told them I wasn’t Nightmare Moon, but… Considering I didn’t know anything about myself…I could have been Nightmare Moon. But…what with the whole fact that I knew everything around me should have also been just a cartoon…I wasn’t really betting on that being the explanation.

Plus, telling them I wasn’t Nightmare Moon would just confuse the hell out of everyone. I mean, how could me, they, or anyone prove I wasn’t? I was still kind of hijacking Luna’s body. A process I wasn’t exactly sure how to end.

Or...what would happen to me if I did leave.

I mean sure, taking over Luna’s body was a bad thing, but...I couldn’t just give it up. After all, where in the hell would that leave me?

“Pardon?” Luna asked.

“Huh?” Twilight chimed in.

I blinked, and looked down at the little unicorn beneath me. Now that I was fully erect, she looked…so tiny. And adorable. I had to fight the urge to squee as I used all of my willpower to remain in control and keep my authoritative voice. “Oh, I’m talking to Luna,” I explained to Twilight before looking back up towards my brain. “And I’m saying, I’m not going to hurt them.”

Once again, didn’t want to touch on the Moony subject. I mean, for all I knew, I could have been Nightmare Moon given a information of another reality before having his/her/its memory wiped by the Elements to confuse it on what it should do!

Well, okay…that seemed way too complicated.

“What trickery is this?” Luna demanded.

“What do you mean what trickery? How in the heee-ay!” my mouth said as it forced me to use a ponyism rather than a real word, and blinked. That...had been weird.

“I already have your bucking body!” That time, I got through just fine with my non-curse word. “What possible reason could I possibly have for telling you I’m not going to hurt them when I am so close to Twilight I could smash her-ahhhh!” My logical argument ended quickly as I threw out my forelegs, like I was throwing out a pair of hands to help my position in the debate, and fell flat on my face. I also discovered the downside to having pointy teeth all around. “GAAAAH! My tongue! I bit my tongue!”

“You’ve got to be kidding,” Luna’s voice said inside of me.

I quickly pushed my way back onto my withers, and reached up to try rather unsuccessfully feel for damage. Because…you know…hooves. “Oh clum on!”

Then, I felt something pat me on the back. “There, there. Open your mouth and let me see.”

The presence of a yellow pegasus floating in the air beside me was…odd. But I did as I was told. Apparently, my few seconds of banter had enabled some of the girls to catch a little breather.

“Fluttershy!” Rainbow Dash called out as she got to her hooves. “What’re you DOING?”

The pegasus in question looked over to Dash in confusion. “But she’s hurt Rainbow,” Flutters replied before she looked back to me. “Now come on, I won’t bite.”

I did as I was told, again. When a magical talking horse as sweet a Fluttershy asks you to open your mouth for an examination, you don’t question it You just do it.

“You’re not kidding,” Luna deadpanned while Fluttershy gave me a look-over. “Are you?”

“Well, you look okay to me,” the sweetest little pegasus informed me with a little smile.

I pulled Luna’s tongue back in and sighed. “Look, even with Luna holding down my magic, don’t you think I would have done something to you girls by now?”

Twilight frowned as she slowly pushed herself to her feet along with the others. With as slow as they were going, they were obviously barely able to move, but it was better than they had been a few seconds ago. “Okay…if you’re not here to hurt us…then what did you do to Princess Celestia?” she demanded a bit too strongly for a pooped little purple pony that was facing off against her species’ goddess of eternal darkness.

I…blinked. That was a pretty good question, actually. And one I didn’t really have an answer to… “I uh…don’t really know.”

“WHAT?” several voices with mouths, and one without a mouth shouted at the same time.

With half a dozen ponies glaring at me, I pointed over to where I had been standing a moment before. “Look, the first thing I remember is coming to over there. Before that…I got nothing,” I told the girls in front of me. “I-I know some basic stuff, like how to talk and junk but…I can barely walk! You saw me just now!”

Just then, a blur of motion put the face of a blue pony all over my field of vision. “A likely story!”

In response to the sudden appearance of Rainbow Dash, I did what any normal person would do. I screamed like a girl and fell backward off my ass, and onto my back. After propping myself up on an elbow, I held out one hoof to ward her away. “W-Wait! Don’t hurt me!” Hell, Dash kicked a dragon big enough to eat her in a single gulp. I think she was stupid enough to mess with an all powerful goddess of the night.

But, my awesome display of power must have terrified her into submission. Because a second later, Dash landed and looked over to her friends. “Uh…yeah. This really isn’t like the monster my dad said would come and eat me if I didn’t do all my pushups when I got done with my chores.”

All of a sudden, there was a tingling in my mouth, and I was speaking in a much calmer tone. “Indeed young pegasus. As this creature has not tried to usurp my horn once since regaining her health, I must conclude there is something else going on.”

“What makes you say that?” Pinkie Pie asked.

For a few seconds, nothing happened. The tingling stayed in my muzzle, and I actually managed to still move my mouth around despite that. Then half a minute passed, and Luna spoke through me again. “Because I have just given the Nightmare ample time to destroy you all by relinquishing my hold on my horn…and all it has been doing is staring at the lot of you.”

Twilight gulped, probably at the fact that the princess she was meant to save just sat around and gave the bad guy, even if it was me, ample opportunity to blow them all to dust. “Okay then…um…Princess Luna, what do we do now?” she asked.

“I would suggest our next course of action to be the release of my sister from the lunar prison that Nightmare Moon consigned her to upon returning to Equestria,” Luna explained with the voice we sort-of shared.

Everyone continued to look at me…or maybe here…which was…us?

Oh boy, was this going to get confusing.

But at the very least, I had just found out that Celestia did in fact not ditch her country and abandon the entire world to eternal darkness at the hands of her little sister because of her inability to fight Luna. She had just been thrown into Turnabout Penitentiary.

“Sooooo…how exactly do we do that?” Twilight asked.

Luna sighed, and looked down at her shoulder. “Well, I’ve given up my hold on my horn. Go on and let her out already.”

Despite Luna laying claim to my face, I managed to look up and blink. “Oh…you’re talking to me,” I realized before I looked back down at myself. “Okay…um…how exactly do I do that?”

Everyone blinked at me, and Luna was silent for several moments.

Then, my mouth started to move on its own once again. “Oooooh, something tells me this is going to be a long night.”

If you ever hear a magician tell you that magic is simple, punch him in the jaw for me. Because it’s not. Magic is hard. And what makes it even worse is that it’s hard to explain too.

When it came time to explain to me how to let Celestia out, Luna tried taking control of our horn again, only to find that she didn’t have enough control over that aspect of her body to do much besides make me feel a little weird and levitate tiny objects. In short, she couldn’t do magic. Powerful magic at least. Which was what we needed to release Celestia.

Which left it up to me.

Don’t worry, it didn’t take some twenty odd years for me to complete my magical education and raise the sun.

In fact, it only took sixteen...days.

Or hours, but they sure as hell FELT like days.

It started out with some basic lecturing by Twilight that was all technical, which Luna felt the need to correct when she thought the unicorn got it wrong and a more ‘emotional’ approach was needed to the explanation. Of course this was kind of hard since Twilight thought I was the one talking half the time, and you NEVER correct the teacher.

And if you’re looking for an explanation of just how the hell magic works in Equestria...well…

You focus on the magic flowing through your body (it’s like this little goosebumpish thing you’re only really aware of if you look real hard for it) and then slowly push into your horn. Then, you focus on an emotion, how the outcome of the spell you want to do makes you feel. After that, you use that emotion, while at the same time clear your head to lay down a complex artistic design in your head that has a big mathematical formulae behind it. But we’re not done yet! Because even after you’ve got all this energy, an emotion to move it, and a formula to tell it exactly what to do, you’ve got to draw the thing using the magic you’ve stored in an even output before completing the formula by connecting the last line of the artistic shape with the first point that you started drawing with, all without lifting your pen from the proverbial paper!

If it wasn’t for Luna’s help in guiding my magic...I really doubted Tia would have been getting an early release. But hour, after grueling hour that everyone ELSE got to sleep through, including Twilight when Luna got tired of her nonsensical yammering, I finally managed to cast Lunar Prison Unlock!

Of course, we did a bit more than just study for sixteen hours straight. We took study breaks to help me digest the info, talked a bit, and everyone got to know eachother a lot better than what five ponies could get out of a one hour hike through a creepy forest that kept everyone on edge. By the time everything was finished, the girls had even gotten over their reservations of me...and Luna.

Oh, and with a few hours of instruction before we got started on the main spell, I had learned to walk around without falling on my face thanks to Luna helping me guide my legs around, channel magic through my horn to either throw it around wildly in a burst blew shit up with her walking me through it, or make a good night light. Learning telekinesis would probably take some time.

And then, once the spell was cast...

Glorious sunlight came over the hillside, and soon thereafter, there was a bright light that shot forth from it to come through the window and into the ruined castle. I took that as my cue to find some shadows to duck into under instructions from Luna.

As soon as the other big pony appeared, Twilight Sparkle let out an excited gasp, and ran forward while everyone else had the respect to bow. “Princess Celestia, you’re alright!”

The new pony was everything I was expecting her to be and then some. Okay sure, Celestia hadn’t really done jack shit for Equestria when it came to protecting it from anything, going so far as to stay inside Ponyville’s town hall while a rampaging monster that looked like the unholy union between a grizzly, a panda, and a bee nearly totaled Ponyville.

Still, despite her lack of a track record, Celestia managed to look like one hell of a pony. The Princess of the Sun was built like a brick house, with slightly thicker legs than what I possessed, and a fuller body with poofier wings. Whereas I seemed to have been designed as sleek and fast, Celestia definitely had a brawler’s physique.

“Twilight Sparkle, my faithful student,” she said before embracing her with a neck-hug. “I knew you could do it.”

As soon as the embrace was ended, Twilight stepped away and blushed. “T-Thank you princess, but...it wasn’t me who freed you.”

Celestia let out a melodious laugh and looked over to the ponies showing their divine ruler the proper respect due to something like her. “Yes. I see you had a little help along the way. It looks like you followed my instructions, and made some friends.”

“Um...no,” Twilight admitted. “I mean, these ponies are my friends...especially now that I’ve spent so long talking to them and we’ve really got to know each other while the seal on your prison was being unlocked, but-”

“Yes,” she interrupted. “You unlocked the Elements of Harmony, and defeated Nightmare Moon. But you couldn’t have done it alone. You-”

Twilight cleared her throat. “Well actually, we did use the Elements on Nightmare Moon, but...they uh...sort of just...didn’t do anything but make her stronger.”

Celestia didn’t even seem to notice Twilight’s words as she smiled and nodded. “Yes, you used to Elements to make her strong-wait...WHAT?”

I could hear Luna giggling in the back of my head as Twilight explained things to the flabbergasted alicorn. “Well, we unleashed the power of the Elements and...while the first blast seemed to hurt her a little, the second time around, she absorbed the magic and actually undid the damage our first harmonic blast caused and might have gotten a bit of a power boost from it.” Luna said it felt more like a lasting recharge, something that gave me plenty of gas to run on without upping my horsepower, but this description probably worked better.

“She-she what?” Celestia replied, obviously unnerved. Apparently, it was hard to keep your composure when a plan you’ve been counting on for hundreds of years went ary.

“I’m pretty sure they made her stronger Princess,” Twilight theorized as she tapped a hoof to her chin.

“S-Stronger? How is that-wait… Twilight, you did manage to defeat her though, in the end, right?” Celestia asked, her all-knowing mask now completely gone and more than a trace of worry in her voice.

Sticking to the script that we had to trade Two Sister Castle arcane secrets for, Twilight smiled. “Oh, I..uh...didn’t! In fact, she’s still here. See for yourself,” the unicorn said as she gestured to the area behind Celestia with a hoof.

The white alicorn whirled around, a look of fear upon her face as she looked at us, a feral smile upon our own ‘visage’ as we sauntered forward. “How is this… But if I am free, then why do you still…” Celestia stopped and looked back to the unicorn. “Twilight, take your friends and run! I don’t know how long I can hold her, but-what are you doing?”

Even with her face prostrated on the ground, Twilight winced at Celestia’s question when the alicorn looked back to the unicorn. “Um...bowing?” she said nervously before looking up and...snapping. “I’m sorry Princess! I used the Elements of Harmony like you want me to, but they didn’t do anything!”

“Twilight-”

“Well, they did do something, just not what we thought they would do!” Twilight insisted as she stood up to run to the space between me and Celestia. “And now, Nightmare Moon isn’t going to hurt us!”

Celestia voice took on a twinge of annoyance. “Twilight-”

“We can already prove it!” the unicorn told her while the alicorn slumped and sighed with a resigned look that said she had endured several of such things in the past. “After my friends and I used the Elements, we were helpless and she could have easily smashed my head in, even with Princess Luna restraining most of her magic...which I guess explains why Nightmare Moon didn’t just blow us all into dust or something when she first appeared! But now the more I think about it, the more I’m positive that the Elements did exactly what they were supposed to do.”

“They were supposed to purify my sister of the evil within her!” Celestia insisted, anger apparent in her voice.

Twilight grinned and nodded. “And they did!” she exclaimed before becoming hesitant. “They just um...purified Nightmare Moon...too.”

For a few seconds, I was pretty sure Celestia’s brain had blue screened. Then, she let out a long sigh and looked over to me. “If this is true, then why do you still hold my sister hostage?”

My head looked to my right shoulder. “Shall I explain to Sister?” Luna asked.

I turned my head to the left. “Go for it.”

After letting Luna move our head back to look at Tia, I just kicked back and watched the show. “As part of the purification of Nightmare Moon’s evil she also lost all knowledge of her evil acts, or how to perform them. That apparently includes how it possessed me, as well as how to leave my body.”

Celestia frowned with a face that told me she wasn’t buying any of what Luna said. “And how am I supposed to believe that you are indeed Luna, and not Nightmare Moon simply impersonating her?” How she could think that after she had been released from lunar imprisonment, I didn’t know.

“Sister,” Luna spoke through our mouth. “Must I remind you that Nightmare Moon has no access to my memories at all? Otherwise, she would have taken the one thing that could have defeated her the first time you battled her.”

As her frown didn’t disappear, I could see Celestia wasn’t following. “Yes. But what does that have to do with-”

“The last time you wet the bed was-”

Celestia’s eyes widened and her wings shot out wide. “Okay okay! That’s…” She cleared her throat and stepped around, regaining her air of nobility.

Luna smirked. “If you require more proof, I could tell your subjects how you lost your first coltfriend, or perhaps how long it was until you finally lost your maidenh-”

“THAT’S QUITE ENOUGH LUNA!” Celestia shouted before her cheeks flushed red. “Now come here so I can hug you, and we can...figure out what to do with your...passenger.”

I Give A Magician What She Deserves

We took Trixie from the Pie household and gave them our apologies for scaring the hell out of the poor farmers, then stole a second to grab Maud for a hug on top of her angrier sister because I found fuming ponies just too cute to resist manhandling, before getting a few feet from the building to talk to the blue mare in private.

“W-What’s going on?” Trixie stuttered after we released our magic and set her back down on the ground. She looked around at me and Luna’s guards in worry. “W-Why is Nightmare Moon here? What do you want from Trixie?”

Since Luna was going to come off as a bit too…abrasive for a terrified pony after being called the N-word, we had decided to let me handle the whole talking her down. Luna showing up in the Pie household was one thing, but her actually being interested in a pony was something to make said pony unbelievably nervous.

I knelt down to run a foreleg across the cowering pony’s back to help calm her down. Although in retrospect, it probably wasn’t the best of ideas for the embodiment of terror to try and get a pony to settle down by touching her. “Relax Trixie. You’re not in trouble or anything,” I assured her as gently as a I could. “I just heard from my friends a few weeks ago about what happened in Ponyville, and thought I should come and help you out.”

Trixie looked up at me in confusion, still plenty terrified, but I think the question of why hadn’t I gobbled her up yet made the mare a little less afraid. Rational confusion and terror didn’t like to share space after all. “Huh?”

“Your wagon,” I clarified before giving the pony a smile that didn’t show my carnivorous teeth. That wouldn’t have helped in the least. “It was destroyed by a monster from the Everfree at night, when Equestria is under our protection. But, we were unable to protect you when you needed us, Trixie. We weren’t even able to try.

“As such, you’re entitled to get a replacement on the crown’s dime. It is our responsibility to protect you from these kinds of things after all. Since we didn’t even begin to fulfill our duties, it’s the crown that should pay to have it replaced, not you. I’ve already talked to a few carpenters back home and had them draw up some plans. If you come back to Canterlot with me, I’m sure we can build a suitable replacement for you.”

After I got done explaining things to Trixie, the mare’s fearfully wide-eyed confusion turned to…well, she was still looking at me with wide eyes, but a few tears appeared on the edges of them. “Y-You mean, you’re going to fix my home?”

I blinked at the sudden display of emotion from the little pony, not to mention what she called her wagon. Sure, it was a stage and all, but it had completely slipped my mind that wagon was also...well, Trixie had said it all. And mobile or not, losing her house...I could kind of see how such a blow to the poor girl had really helped start her down the path to revenge. After all, it was her home, the place was was supposed to be safe and comforting above all others.

To have that taken from her, it would have been unbelievably devastating.

“Well, yeah…and replace all the stuff you lost,” I added while doing my best not to get emotional after seeing Trixie nearly turn on the water-works by focusing on all the other things Trixie would need. I mean, what was a magician without her hat?

Trixie continued to look up at me, but the look in her eyes had changed to something somewhat...disturbing. The dampness in her eyes had made them kind of sparkle, and something approaching gratitude was plastered across her face. “T-Thank you,” she said to me in a whisper. “Thank you Princess, I-”

“Actually, I’m not the Princess,” I told Trixie before she could start blubbering. Now that she had a lot less fear in her, it was best to get that little bit of confusing information out of the way.

“That would be I,” Luna chimed in with her usual ‘I’m more royal than you’ tone that drove all the girls wild.

“It’s not that hard to tell us apart,” I said before smirking and getting down face to face with the blue mare so I could whisper in her ear, despite the fact that Luna would be able to hear it clearly. “Luna’s the one that sounds like she has something shoved up her plot half the time.”

“So speaks the commoner with her coarse tongue,” the real princess countered with her royal accent.

When Trixie just continued to stare at us, I let out a sigh and began an explanation that would more than likely take a few hours. Thankfully, we could teleport back to Canterlot easily enough, so it wasn’t going to take us all night just to get home.

After we popped back onto the balcony of Canterlot Castle, Luna dismissed our escort with orders to tell the rest of the guard not to wait for us to begin their nightly regimen. We had more important work to do. Trixie needed to get settled in, and…run into an old friend.

Since the initial surprise of meeting the ancient goddess of darkness was over and done, Trixie had managed to slip back into her more annoying speech patterns. But what was even worse was, well…

“Trixie does not see why you do not simply state your name when speaking as Trixie does. Trixie thinks that it would lead to less confusion,” Trixie told us as we led her down the hallway towards the guest wing of the castle. One of them at least, Celestia had about three of the damn things, but the one we were currently in was the one that had been prepared for six special mares.

Much to my horror, Luna ‘hmmm’ed at the idea. Not the bad kind of hmmm, either. The kind that sounded like she was actually considering Trixie’s insane suggestion. “Well, what you say does have merit-”

“No!” I exclaimed as terror filled my mind. As I fought to keep Luna’s mouth away from her, I looked around for something that would cast a reflection. Thankfully, the castle had a really good cleaning staff, and that meant the pure white marble walls could function as a mirror with enough light. “We are not doing that! I don’t care if you’re the boss of this body, we are not talking in third-pony!”

“Nighty-”

“Do you want eternal night?” I asked Luna with a bit more heat to my voice before I stepped closer to the wall to look Luna right in our eyes. “Because I promise having to hear you go Luna this, and Luna that, all the time will make me go insane and bring on eternal night! Eternally!”

Luna let out a groan and rolled our eyes. “If you would stop interrupting me,” she said evenly. “While it would lead to less confusion from the start, I do not think I could keep it up long enough for it to become habit. Modern speech still gives me some pause. To add another change on top of all the other diction training I have received would just be too much of a headache.”

I sighed in relief. “Okay…good.” Eternal night and my rather one-sided battle against the forces of good because I could probably get around their rather lax security with all my evil nightmare powers and IQ of over fifteen avoided.

With that disaster averted, I turned back to look at Trixie, who was looking at us with a bit of fear again. Not that I could blame her. It took ponies time to get used to their multiple personality goddess. In such situations, I found the best course of action was to just continue on like nothing was wrong rather than addressing the issue every five seconds.

And maybe give her a quick hug, followed by a kiss to the forehead. No pony could stay fearful of an overly affectionate goddess.

“So anyway, like I was saying before,” I went on. “You’ll stay here in the palace for a few days with us while we have everything remade. Since that wagon of yours doubled as a stage, it’ll have to be a completely custom job. We’ll also provide you with a new wardrobe and props. You used fireworks and a magician’s hat in your act…right?”

Trixie looked up at me with a raise eyebrow. “How exactly do you know all of this, Princess? Trixie does not remember performing for royalty. N-Not that her skills wouldn’t be up to the task!” she quickly added at the end.

While I had to stop myself from popping the ever-inflating ego, my better half answered the question. “One of our dearest friends sends us regular correspondence from Ponyville,” Luna explained to her. “That was how we learned of your plight.”

We came to a stop outside one of the larger guest quarters, meant to hold a foreign dignitary’s entire entourage. Not that Trixie would be staying there. It was actually where we put the girls. Trixie would be sleeping across the hall from them.

“Yeah, without her telling us about what happened, you’d still be homeless,” I said. “She’s here in the castle if you want to say hello.”

The blue mare blinked a few times as she visibly mulled the decision over before nodding. “Yes. Trixie is not one to shirk from her responsibilities. If she must give thanks to this mare, then show Trixie to her.”

A second later, the door that was conveniently placed between us at that very instant banged open, and I stumbled back as a rainbow contrail filled my vision.

“GET BACK HERE RAINBOW DASH!” a purple unicorn shouted as she ran out into the hallway with a piece of cake in her magic. It kind of matched the one decorating the top of her head.

“T-Twilight Sparkle?” Trixie exclaimed as the mare in question glared down the hall past me where Rainbow ad flown off to.

The object of Trixie’s anger turned around and blinked when she saw the other unicorn standing in the hallway. “Trixie?” she asked in cautious surprise before her eyes narrowed in suspicion. “What’re you doing here?”

“Ah, Twilight Sparkle!” Luna exclaimed. “Trixie was just telling us how much she wanted to thank you for informing us about the plight of her home.”

Trixie blanched at the information. “WHAT? Trixie will not thank Twilight Sparkle for such a thing! It is her fault that Trixie has become destitute!” she shouted while pointing an accusing hoof at Twilight.

I looked back at the other mare as Twilight blinked. “What’d I do?”

“What did you do?” Trixie shouted. “You…you-!”

I stepped between the two girls and put my wings on both of them. “Okay, okay! Break it up,” I said before anything could really start. This was not a good start to the whole recovery process. “We need a referee.”

I grabbed both of the girls up in my magic and turned around to poke my head into the common room of the guest suite to look around. The place looked like a war zone, if the ammunition used for wars was cake, I mean. Rarity was working to get it out of her mane, Applejack had some frosting on her hat, Pinkie was suspiciously clean, Spike was nowhere in sight, and Fluttershy was…

The unfamiliar feeling of frosting impacted my head, and I looked up to see the butter yellow pegasus hovering above me with a look of horror on her face. “Ohmygosh! Princess Luna, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to-I thought-I mean….” she stuttered before landing in front of me and Luna to begin groveling.

While I winced at the sight, Luna was the one to take care of it. “Ah, an excellent ambush young Fluttershy,” the alicorn congratulated the pegasus before smiling down at her. “Nighty does need to work on her situational awareness, especially when it comes to the area above us.”

“Oh like you saw her either,” I snapped in response, getting attacked in the same way twice in one day didn’t make me feel all that happy. Then, I looked around the room for the other pony that was supposed to be there. The one I needed to keep the more magical unicorns from mangling each other. “Where’s Celestia?”

I think Cadance had been invited to the party too, but...it was a pretty good guess Shining Armor had her pretty busy since the prisoner transfer to Tartarus was short enough for him to be back by now. One did not simply sleep with a stallion while his little sister was in the next room. They went across the building for that junk.

“S-She went out on the balcony,” Twilight squeaked.

I looked back to Twilight, and winced when I saw that the purple unicorn was nervously looking down at the floor as she floated in a blue glow surrounding her. “Horseapples,” I mumbled before quickly dragging both of the unicorns in Luna’s magic into the room and setting them down next to each other on one of the sofas as fast as I could.

Despite Twilight’s ability to get to Canterlot, her fear of falling was still pretty bad, especially when it came to just floating in midair. Celestia’s wingless flight spell hadn’t helped much in that department.

Unfortunately, that was when the rest of the girls noticed the blue unicorn.

“Trixie!” Applejack exclaimed with a frown.

“Ugh! What is that mare doing here?” Rarity grumbled.

“Hello pony I’ve never really met before! My name’s Pinkie Pie!” the pink one said in a friendly tone as she bounced up and down.

I rolled my eyes at the coming disaster and then grabbed up the rest of the girls in Luna’s magic to sit them down on the various couches, chairs, and a cushioned stool in the case of Fluttershy. “I need to go talk to Celestia. You girls…don’t…uh, on second thought, just…behave!”

With that, I stormed out the door while doing my best to get the cake Fluttershy had bombed me with off of my head. “Hey Tia, the girls need you inside for a minute,” I told her after shutting the door behind me.

The other alicorn turned to look at me and I…blinked at what I saw. Tired lines were showing beneath the white alicorn’s eyes, and there was a visible droop to the way she held her head. “Oh…Sister,” she said before blinking a few times and standing up straighter. As she did, all signs of her fatigue simply...vanished, as if by...you know, magic. “Is there something wrong?”

“OF COURSE TRIXIE IS A SHOWOFF! THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT OF PUTTING ON AN ACT!”

“Nighty, ensure we are not interrupted,” Luna commanded me as I winced at the shouting coming from inside the room. But even as the girls began a rather heated discussion, with the dark alicorn giving the orders, I put up a silencing barrier to keep the noise from getting outside. Then, Luna ordered me to look back towards Celestia. “Yes. Something is quite obviously wrong, with you!”

The other goddess let out a tiny laugh and gave us a little bitty smile as she closed her eyes. “Sister, you worry too much. I’m just a little tired from spending time with our friends.”

Luna snorted. “We may not be dreaming right now Celestia, but that does not mean I can not see thy falsehoods as clear as the stars on a cloudless night,” she told her sister before giving Celestia a more sympathetic expression. “Tell us what is wrong.”

“I’m just…I suppose I’m just dreading what is to come tomorrow,” she said with a sigh before plopping her big butt down. “I’m going to have to go to Dimondia and explain to them how fifteen of their number will never be coming home to their families.”

I raised an eyebrow as Tia’s head just drooped even lower. “Well…you were the one who sentenced them to Tartarus.” Although that part where they tried to eat me made it pretty hard to feel sympathy for a bunch of monsters that kidnapped Rarity and tried to force her into slavery.

Sure, they sucked at it, but...this apparently wasn’t the first time something like the double-Ds had done it, and I really don’t think all the unicorns in Equestria had Rarity’s vocal range.

The alicorn glared back up at me. “And what was I supposed to do?” she demanded in anger. “They violated the treaties, developed a taste for meat and took the lives of our little ponies! What other course of action was there? Let them go with a warning and a lie of a promise that they’d never do it again? Exile them to the far south? They would have been back inside a week to feast on cattle and sheep as unrepentant as they always are!”

“Actually Sister, that was Nighty’s suggestion,” Luna told her.

Celestia tensed for a second, then went back to her sulking stance. “Sorry for yelling. I’m just…” She let out another long sigh and looked up through the two windows that made up most of the balcony double doors. Back inside the room, I saw that the argument between Trixie and the Mane Five out of Six had developed into a pillow fight. “Luna, do you ever wish we could go back to the old days? Back before Equestria? When we lived in the Valley of the Sun. And just…lived, like them? No cares, no worries…”

“No tea, no well constructed housing,” Luna added in a dry tone. “Having to use our horns to poke holes in the ground for the seeds before we went to bed on week-old hay.”

A tiny laugh came from Celestia, but the bit of mirth she showed quickly disappeared. “Of course if we did, Equestria wouldn’t last the month,” the other alicorn said with a sigh.

I took a second to glance back in the room, and winced when I saw Applejack being held upside down by her own rope in Trixie’s magic for a few seconds before a blanket surrounded by a purple glow dropped on top of the blue mare to bundle her up.

“Nightmare, what do you think of me?”

The loaded question made me look back at the white alicorn. “Um…what?”

Celestia picked her head up a bit to look me and Luna in the eye. “For the past two weeks, I have told you of the world that those who came before me lived in,” she said. “And I have to wonder, am I a good princess? I have tried to bring harmony back to this world, I’ve tried to restore what once was under our great ancestors, but…time and time again I am beset by ponies that don’t seem to care about anything beyond themselves, creatures that demand what can not be theirs, and others that simply wish to cause disharmony because they find it preferable to living with others harmoniously.”

When Celestia finally finished, I looked back towards my neck and whispered as lightly as a dared. “Quick, Luna…say something reassuring!”

“Such as what?” the voice in my head demanded. “You are the one she wanted to talk to about this!”

I frowned at Princess No-Help, and looked back to Celestia. “Uh…I don’t really think I’m qualified to answer that question, Princess.”

Celestia shook her head. “You have spent every moment of your new life with myself or my sister,” she told me. “Your judgment isn’t clouded by my age, and you have argued with my course of action several times in the past. I think you are more than qualified to give your option.”

With Celestia verbally pinning me down, I slunk in on myself. “Didn’t you already ask me something like this before?” If I remember correctly, I had called her a good princess. And I, thankfully, didn’t have half as much information as I did now, so...it wasn’t like I was lying to her or anything.

“Not in such a way,” the alicorn said. “And that was before you knew what you know now. So tell me, knowing all that you do, what do you think of me?”

I gulped, unsure of how to answer. It was obvious Celestia was looking for reassurances, but I couldn’t just go on about how great a princess she was. Empty platitudes would just be seen right though by something like her. And to be honest, I was of two minds on the subject. More than two really, it was more like twenty. But I couldn’t really get away with stating more than two. “Well, I guess that depends on which pony you're asking, your friend, or Luna’s advisor.”

My bit of bait got a nibble from the alicorn. “I wasn’t aware there were more than two of you in there.”

“Well, it’s no different than you. You’re a pony, and a princess. And sometimes, what is the right decision for one is wrong for the other,” I said before taking in a deep breath to give me some time to organize my bullshit defense. “But the friend can’t judge the princess, just like the advisor can’t judge the pony.”

Celestia raised an eyebrow. “Then what does the friend think about the pony Celestia?”

I sighed in relief. She wanted the easy stuff. I could do easy. Very easily in fact.

“I think you’re a great pony. You care about every living creature, even the ones that aren’t your responsibility,” I told her honestly. “You want everything in the world to live side by side in harmony and be happy as they work together. You offer olive branches and forgiveness to anything and everything that you can. And you are the example that everypony should follow.”

Celestia closed her eyes and nodded while I let out a sigh of relief.

“And as my sister’s advisor?”

I choked on my relief as Tia asked her second question.

“Well…when it comes to the other you and the opinion of Luna’s advisor,” I went on cautiously before bracing for the metal-covered hoof to smash in my face. “You’re a horrible princess.”

My rather harsh summarization of my opinion of Celestia’s job performance made the white alicorn hang her head. “I see.”

“Nighty!” Luna yelled at me before she swung our head around to look at Celestia. “Sister do not listen to this-”

I focused and managed to beat Luna back. “Hey! I’m not done yet!” I said as I tried to come up with something to soften the blow.

“You most certainly are!” Luna replied after snatching her mouth back.

“Luna,” Celestia spoke up, bringing a halt to our argument. “I asked her for her opinion, and I want to hear all of it. Now, please continue Nightmare.”

I gave Celestia my most sympathetic look. “Look…Tia,” I began. “I think the fact that you are a wonderful pony is what makes it so hard for you to be a good princess. I know you were at one time, Equestria wouldn’t exist if that wasn’t the case. But…just from the time I’ve been here and the little bit of what I’ve seen, the decisions that Princess Celestia has had to make are weighing you down as a pony. And I look around to see that many of the decisions you have been making are as a pony that thinks with her heart, rather than a princess that has to think more with her head. You…mother grown ponies that should be able to make their own decisions to the point where the government can’t even move without your say so, you fret over the removal of threats to this nation and try to force everything into this perfect little ideal of what everything should be without even looking to see if it can.”

Every leader had that problem. Well, the ones with a conscience anyway. It was why so many men of power left their offices looking thirty years older when less than ten had passed. But Celestia had ruled Equestria on her own for over one-thousand years, and many of those problems she faced were on a completely different level than what most human leaders had to deal with. Earth only had a single species that was in charge of everything, no matter the appearance, every single nation on my old planet boiled down to nothing but human beings with different ideologies. Celestia had to deal with at least half a dozen species that had very different biological makeups that made the differences between men and women look like nothing. Most of which I was pretty sure were not designed to have nearly as much free rein as Celestia was giving them.

After all, one did not simply let pets roam free.

Unlike her ancestors, who were sounding more and more like dicks the more I heard about them, Celestia was giving the non-ponies of Equestria both a chance and a choice in how they could live their lives instead of just getting rid of them via mass euthanasia or slapping a collar on the ones she wished to keep around like her great-grandparents apparently did. If anything, I respected the fact that she was able to hold onto so much of her moral center rather than throw it away like most of my former species would have done over the impossible number of years. Not to mention how easy it would be to demonize a group of creatures that didn’t even share any genetic similarities.

Plus, there was the normal pressures of ruling one’s own species. Sure, ponies were probably easier to manage than people, but a millennium alone on a throne was more than anything I wanted to even begin to take a stab at.

The white alicorn nodded at me. “Thank you for your honesty.”

“Sister, do not put much weight on the Nightmare’s words,” Luna told her harshly. “Despite her actual age, she is but a foal in many ways.”

Celestia gave us a little smile. “I never said I agreed with her Luna,” she said. “But, you’re right about one thing, the…harder decisions have been weighing on me these past couple of years. With Luna’s return, I thought things would be different, but-”

“Wait,” Luna said before Celestia could finish. “What do you mean? How were things supposed to be different when I returned?”

The question made the white alicorn’s eyes widen a bit, showing me just how much she was shaken up over this whole ordeal. I was pretty sure a completely collected Celestia would have never even said anything that put even the tiniest amount of blame on Luna for her current state. It made me tense at seeing Celestia so...out of it.

Celestia looked away from us. “I’m sorry Sister, I just…” She looked back to us, not even bothering to hide her tired expression. “Back before you returned, I thought that I could once again place some of the burdens of ruling on you once Twilight had used the Elements,” Tia explained. “I know, it was foolish. Even if I didn’t count the oddity of Nightmare Moon’s reformation, you will need months before you are truly ready to make any real decisions regarding the government of Equestria-”

My lips started moving so quickly I wasn’t even aware of Luna’s repossession of them before she started talking. “EXCUSE ME?” the Alicorn of the Night shouted. “What do you mean, I am not ready? Did you not less than a month ago tell that fop of a nephew that I am every bit a High Princess of Equestria as you? Equal in every way?”

“Well-” Celestia got out in response to the accusation before Luna started talking again.

“What it just empty words then?” the little sister demanded. “A lie for me to feel better about myself? Something you tell a foal before shuffling her off to bed?”

A shake of the head was all Celestia was able to do before Luna kept on going.

“Do you forget how I have been cleaning up your messes and oversights?” she demanded. “Or how much of a failure you have been when it comes to elevating our little ponies back to the heights that our ancestors once held? Yet, I am apparently incapable of matching the perfection known as Celestia!”

Rather than backing down from the verbal assault, Celestia grit her teeth and stepped forward to match her little sister glare for glare. “That’s not what I mean at all Luna!”

“Then prove it!”

Luna’s demand made Celestia’s anger turn to confusion. “What?”

“I said prove it,” Luna told her evenly. “While I can hardly agree with everything Nighty said to you, I do see that you are tired and need a break. So take one. For one week, I will have complete rule of Equestria in your stead. I will even raise the sun so you need not trouble yourself with anything.”

The suggestion had Celestia quiet for a few seconds before she shook her head. “Luna, if you think that me simply not going to the throne room for a week will mean ponies will stop coming to me-”

Luna cut Celestia off. “Then don’t stay in Canterlot! I see the way your face lights up whenever you receive one of Twilight’s reports. Instead of trying to live vicariously through your student you could actually go to Ponyville and do it for a week!”

That actually got Celestia to stop arguing for a moment.

But only for a moment.

“A week in Ponyville?” the other goddess mumbled before looking down at the ground. “Well…” Celestia looked back up at us.

“Do it!” Luna continued. “JUST DO IT!”

Either swayed by her argument, or afraid Luna might start using her royal voice to continue the pep talk, Celestia held up a hoof a second before she spoke. “I take it you will allow Cadance to assist you if things become too…hectic?”

“You mean the pink pony that passed on ninety-percent of the paperwork she was supposed to do when we were the ones dealing with the buffalo?” I deadpanned. Although, I thought that it was preferable to her going out and playing matchmaker.

Sure, it was probably a little unfair for me to think my…sort of still best friend just went around hooking up ponies she thought looked cute together.

But…Twilight had been pretty quick to whip out that Reform spell when Discord had been let out by Celestia. So, I had to wonder, just how much did ponies value freedom of choice as opposed to things like social order and Harmony?

And Society of the Brainwashed moral question aside, I wondered if it was the best idea for Celestia to go to Ponyville. I suppose they had gotten a bit used to seeing royalty just strolling around more than anyplace else in Equestria, but being on the edge of the Everfree, plus everything else that happened in that town...okay, that was actually a mark for going to Ponyville when I thought about it. The goddess that raised the sun wouldn’t cause more than a twenty-four hour ruckus.

My thoughts were cut short when Luna stopped her own internal debate about having Cadance do some princessing of her own. “If that is what it takes to get you to agree to a week off, then I will allow Cadance to handle a share of the responsibilities.”

“Then…I suppose that a relaxing week with the girls would-” Celestia suddenly stopped when we heard a crash sound from behind. We turned around to see one of the couches from the room behind us finish flying through the window and popping my sound dampening bubble before it landed in front of us. On it was Trixie, tied up in a way that had all four of her legs bound and dampening spell on her horn.

The mare looked up at us, blinked, and gulped. “P-Princesses, um…”

Without waiting for the blue mare to find her voice again, Celestia trotted forward and looked inside the room. “WHAT IN THE BUCKING PITS OF TARTARUS IS GOING ON IN HERE?”

After a rather predictable explanation of how a fight broke out between Trixie and the rest of the girls, I helped get the cake off the walls while Celestia undid Rarity’s newest dye job and pulled Rainbow Dash out of where she had apparently been phased into the ceiling. Then of course came the explanation of why it had broken out in the first place. That actually had Princess Celestia massaging the sides of her head with her hooves.

Which I knew from personal experience only made things worse.

“Twilight,” she groaned before lowering her hooves to look at her confused student with a disappointed frown. “Just because somepony is living their life according to a different philosophy than yours doesn’t automatically make them wrong.”

On the other side of the room, I watched Twilight’s head slant to the side, as if what Celestia had said just completely changed the laws of the universe. “But-but you always told me that I should never brag about my accomplishments and being prideful was wrong!”

Celestia’s body contorted just a smidge into a tiny wince, and she looked away from her student. “Well…that’s…I did say that...yes,” the alicorn admitted. “And I’ll admit that I might have driven those ideals into you a bit harder than I should have thanks to some…personal mistakes of my own…but...”

Then the goddess took a deep breath to steel herself and look back at the purple unicorn. “But that does not excuse you for attacking another pony because your ideals conflict with hers!”

As Twilight went into ‘crouch in terror’ mode, the blue unicorn just had to put her two bits in. “Yeah!”

“Do not think that I believe you blameless in this, Trixie Lulamoon,” Celestia said as she looked over to the unicorn, freezing her in place with a stern expression.

For her part, Trixie gulped. “Y-You know my full name?”

“Trixie, a giant space bear attacked Ponyville, partially because of what happened during your performance,” I deadpanned.

“While Nighty was still too inexperienced to offer assistance,” Luna added. “We did see the event and were given a complete accounting of the incident by the mayor of the hamlet afterwards.”

Trixie wasted no time in jumping on that particular lifeline. “But then you know it wasn’t my fault! It was those two colts that went into the Everfree Forest and brought that bear back! I was asleep in my wagon!”

Across the room, Applejack stomped her hoof. “And if you weren’t bein’ such a liar about it in the first place, that never would’a happened!”

As the rest of the girls offered their agreements and began to cast the blame on Trixie, Celestia silenced them with a stern look. Then, she turned her attention back to the magical unicorn. “Trixie, neither me nor my sister blame you for the events that transpired that night,” she said.

“And it was the Nightmare that brought the matter to my attention in the first place before we left Canterlot to find you,” Luna added. “So don’t put too much weight on her words or fear that she wishes to discipline you.”

I snorted and crossed Luna’s arms. “Hey, children are supposed to do stupid things. Sometimes, it really is the only way they’ll learn.” Or die and keep from polluting the gene pool should their stupidity be fatal, but that was a rare instance. Although how a pair of kids managed to just walk into a fucking mother bear’s den and come out alive was beyond me. “It’s the responsibility of the adults to make sure they don’t get any ideas that are too crazy,” I said before adding a few more names to the blame game. “And to be honest, Trixie barely registers on the list of ponies to point hooves at. I’m more curious about what the parents of those two were doing when their foals were off running around…or how they even survived a trip through the Everfree to begin with.”

Pinkie Pie nodded as she plopped her plot down and crossed her own pair of pony-arms. “It really doesn’t seem to be living up to its reputation as a forest that nopony ever comes out of.”

“Yes, well…” Celestia said before looking back over to the blue mare. “That said, you cannot tell me that the animosity between all of you girls is because of something that anypony can see was completely unintentional.”

Mustering up all of her courage, Twilight Sparkle got off the floor. “Well, um…Princess Celestia…like you said, Trixie’s philosophy in life is the opposite of mine and-”

“So is Rainbow Dash’s,” the white alicorn deadpanned. “But the two of you are the closest friends I’ve ever seen.”

A second later, Dashie was in the air to defend her egghead’s honor. “Yeah well, I never hogtied anypony or zapped them in the plot before!”

“You were trying to outstage Trixie during her own show!” Trixie fired back.

“That’s cause you dared us to!” Applejack yelled at her before Rainbow Dash landed next to her and formed a united front.

Luna cleared her throat. “Explanation please.”

And so began some rather...slanted synopsis of Trixie’s first appearance…

Trixie had decided to grace the meager town of Ponyville with her magnificent presence and perform a magical act the likes of which such a tiny town had never even seen! But when Trixie did begin her act, a trio of ungrateful, stuck-up, and hypocritical ponies did attempt to stop her. However, the Great and Powerful Trixie managed to triumph in the end, and was cheered by the towns ponies for her skill and bravery!

See, what happened was this blue braggart of a filly who thought she was all that and a bushel of apples came trotting into town like she was the cock of the walk, saying how much better she was then everypony and that us no-nothing’ hicks should get to Ooooin and Ahhhin at her.

Okay, so, it happened like this… Wait, Applejack, are you talking about me, or her? Cause, I’m blue too, and I tell everypony how awesome I am all the time. In fact, I’ll be doing that for a career when I get into the Wonderbolts…so…how is it you guys can be mad at her for pretty much doing what I wanna do for a living?

SHE RUINED MY MANE!

…which had Celestia raising an eyebrow, and Luna… “Nighty, shake my head in disappointment,” the dark alicorn ordered.

“The lot of you will apologize to each other about this foolishness right now!” the goddess next to me demanded before she focused on the six girls on the left side of the room. “I hardly think that throwing insults and booing a performer during her act is appropriate behavior. And you, Ms. Trixie, the fact that your act became a…one-upmareship contest hardly makes you any better! You should all be ashamed of yourselves!”

As just about every single one of the little ponies blushed in embarrassment, save for Twilight Sparkle. She actually raised her hoof. “For the record Princess, I didn’t do anything to-”

“Pony-up to defend your friends?” Rainbow deadpanned from her place behind the purple mare, causing Twilight to wince before the blue pegasus looked over to the other performer. “And uh, yeah…I guess I’d be wanting to do something about it too if somepony started shooting their mouths off if I was in the middle of an air show. So…uh…sorry, Trixie.”

The rest of the little ponies in the room got a few uncomfortable looks on their faces, and then found something interesting to look at on the carpet, walls, or ceiling as most of them rubbed their shoulders with their fetlocks. The exception of this was the Pie sister named Pinkie. She bounced over to Trixie and grabbed the girl up in in forelegs. “Great! That means we’re friends now! And if we’re friends that means you have to stay for our party to make up for Princess Cadance needing to leave!” she explained as Trixie grunted from the glomp Pinkie had given her. “Hugs!”

Celestia giggled at the sight. “Well my friends, I think that’s enough excitement for one night,” she said. “Although...before I go, I do need to ask you all something. Which among you has the biggest house?”

As every pony in the room except me and Trixie pointed over to Rainbow Dash, the pegasus gave a nervous laugh. “Hehe, yeah, I have a cloud house, so it was built on the cheap,” she said before her expression became curious. “Uh...why?”

“Oh, it’s nothing much really. It’s just that I’ll be stepping down from the throne for a week and I will need a place to stay during my vacation in Ponyville,” Celestia said with a tiny shrug casually, as if she were discussing the weather. “You know, a cloud house makes the most sense. I could just add onto it with a room or two built for a pony of my size. You don’t mind, do you Rainbow Dash?”

And thus, the floodgates of questions were opened.

It took about another hour for Celestia to explain to everyone what was going on. That she wasn’t really abdicating the throne and the sun would continue to rise as it always would. In the end, she summed it up by simply stating, “To be honest my little ponies, I need a break from princessing Equestria. A chance to rest and recharge, perhaps stretch my wings a bit and get away from the madhouse that Canterlot has become as of late. And I want to spend some time with you, all of you, as something other than some big pony with a crown,” she told them while taking off the piece of jewelry and holding it in one of her hooves before she gave them a yearning look. “That is...if you want me.”

All of the girls just stared at the white alicorn for several seconds.

I couldn’t really blame them for their shock. I mean, Celestia was supposed to be some sort of goddess of indomitable will. Not to mention life as a princess was perfect. So you weren’t supposed to want to take a break from it, and even if you did, Princess Celestia sure as hell wasn’t supposed to need one. To top it all off, Tia wasn’t just barging in like I tended to do, she was actually asking if they wanted her around. And looking pretty damn vulnerable while she was going it.

But, it only lasted several seconds before one of the ponies spoke up.

“Have the most awesome alicorn as a roommate for a week? As if I’d say no to that!” the rainbow pegasus said before she dashed over to put a pony-arm around Celestia’s neck. “And we can totally swap embarrassing stories about Twilight while you’re there.”

Said purple unicorn’s eyes went wide with horror. “Oh no.”

“Well shoot Prin-err...Celestia,” Applejack said in her country twang. “Ah recon Granny’d be happy to have ya. An’ Ah remember you sayin’ somethin’ ‘bout helpin’ with the harvest the last time you was in Ponyville, right?”

Twilight’s butt hit the floor as he hind legs gave out. “Bucking...apples,” she mumbled. “You want Princess Celestia to help you buck apples.”

Then Pinkie, with Trixie still in her death grip, chimed in. “Oh! Oh Oh! You can even come work in Sugar Cube Corner if you want Tia! With Ms. Cake getting all fat with her filly, we could use a part timer!”

As Celestia let out a laugh and agreed to lend her cake expertise to the baking enterprise, Twilight conjured a paper bag and began to breathe into it.

So, I decided that it was time for me to step in and keep what was left of Purple Smart’s image of a perfect Celestia intact. Or at least cracked but unshattered. “Okay girls, I think that’s enough. You’ll all have plenty of time to plan for what you’re all going to do with Tia on the train ride to Ponyville tomorrow,” I told them. “But, since I have to actually get up a lot earlier tomorrow, I think it’s time we turn in.”

Celestia nodded. “Yes. That seems like a good course of action,” she agreed before turning to walk towards the door.

Only to be stopped by Pinkie, and Trixie since the showmare was still being held by the pink pony...somehow, when the earth pony jumped in front of the door. “Hold it!”

The fact that a pony was actually stopping her from doing anything, or maybe it was how Pinkie just...zipped over to block her from getting to the door actually made Celestia stumble back. “Ms Pie?”

“Trixie does not feel so good,” the showmare mumbled as her head spun around in an attempt to readjust itself from Pinkie’s relocation.

Pinkie ignored the mare in her grip, and poked the big princess in the chest. “Sorry Princess Celestia, but I can’t let you leave,” she told the goddess evenly.

For her part, Celestia took the rather odd order rather well. She didn’t roll her eyes and shove the pink pony to the side for daring to order her magnificence around or anything else like that. She just cocked her head to the side and spoke. “Why is that Ms Pie?”

“Rule three-point-one-four-one-five-nine of the Pinkie Pie slumber parties says that everypony in the party has to sleep in the same room,” she stated before nodding at what was probably some kind of undeniable Pinkie-logic. “So if Nighty says it’s time to sleep, we need to haul the mattresses out here and...hmm, well...I’d guess some of us will have to double up since you and Princess Luna have such big booties that you’ll need twice as much mattress as the rest of us.”

I blinked at the explanation, then looked around to count all the doors in the common room that led to private sleeping quarters and bathrooms just to check if Pinkie was getting her mental math right. With each of the six girls getting a bed of her own, and the alicorns needing two, that left four for the six ponies. Unless of course Spike was taken into account, that meant there was three beds and...actually, counting Trixie, that meant we had seven ponies.

While I was still in the middle of my mental math and deliberations on what to do about Trixie, since she was now a slumber party participant and thus not allowed to leave, Twilight managed to recover from the latest blow her perfect image of Princess Celestia had taken. She took in a deep breath, teleported over to where the two ponies with the proportionally plumpest rumps in the room were standing, and shot her sugary friend a glare. “PINKIE! Y-You can’t just...order Princess Celestia around like that!”

Celestia giggled before her horn lit up, and all the doors around us save one opened to float in the mattresses from the bedrooms, complete with sheets. “It’s quite alright Twilight,” she told her frazzled student. “I did agree to attend this party, so I can hardly not obey the rules.”

“But-but...Cadance left!” Twilight exclaimed pointing out an obvious flaw in Pinkie’s explanation. “If she can leave, then why not Princess Celestia?”

In response to the question, Pinkie Pie rolled her eyes as if the answer was the most obvious thing in the world. “She was going to have sex with your big brother, duh. It would be kinda awkward for her to give Shining Armor a ride right in the middle of the room,” she explained before getting a little thoughtful. “Plus kind of rude, giving him a ride and not offer anypony else a turn. Private parties exist for a reason you know.”

Silence descended upon the room, and I was pretty sure that Twilight’s brain encountered a critical error and had to shut down thanks to what I could only guess was the mental image that Pinkie Pie conjured in Purple Smart’s head with her words. Even Celestia got a little uncomfortable after hearing that.

So, frozen as she was, Twilight didn’t even notice when Rarity and Rainbow walked up behind her to help guide the unicorn away from Pinkie, and towards one of the mattresses that was laying on the floor.

“You see darling, this is why we don’t ask Pinkie Pie to explain things,” Rarity told her.

To which Twilight replied… “Gwa.”

“Come on Egghead, let’s hit the hay,” Rainbow said as she wrapped a wing around Twilight’s back and guided her down until she was spooning the little purple unicorn like they’d been doing it for awhile now. Which, thanks to the ‘magic glue’ incident, I was pretty sure they had.

As for me, I was left wondering how Dash was using that particular name before the Running of the Leaves. Which now that I thought about it...seemed to be late in the list of events that was supposed to have already happened.

And thanks to those thoughts, I didn’t get to snatch up the prissy unicorn or the country pony for my cuddle partner for the night. Instead, they just got in the same bed and provided what would have been the cover art pick for a RariJack ship fic.

“Applejack, get your knee out from under my tail!”

“Hey! Ain’t my fault. There ain’t much room on these things. Just...wiggle around it.”

Unfortunately, the fact they were mostly covered by the bed sheets, moving around a lot, and grunting like crazy didn’t help to put my mind at ease either. If I dreamed, I was pretty sure the scene in front of me would have made it a wet one.

With all the ponies paring off, I looked over to the odd pony out that was glancing to both me and Celestia while doing her best not to be noticed. Not that I blamed Fluttershy. I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be the girl that had to either go up to a goddess or a demon and ask if they could spare some room under the covers. But I couldn’t exactly invite her to spend the night with me either. Although she had warmed up to the ponification of evil that Nightmare Moon was, I wasn’t about to take Fluttershy out of her comfort zone by asking to sleep with her.

So...that only left one option.

“Okay Pinkie, I’ll take Trixie now,” I told the pink pony with the unicorn that looked as if she was starting to actually turn purple from the chokehold Pinkie had Trixie in as she was being dragged over to another mattress. To add some weight to my order, I unhooked Pinkie’s pony-arms from the showmare’s throat with Luna’s magic.

As soon as she was released, Trixie collapsed onto the ground, gasped for breath and then ran over to throw herself at Luna’s hooves. “Oh thank you. Thank you Princess. Thank you so very much.”

“Awwww, but I wanted to snuggle with Trixie,” the party pony wined.

Before I could give a counterargument, Celestia approached the pony and put a wing across her back. “I believe it would be best if Trixie is given some time to...adjust to your personality Ms Pie,” she said before looking over to Fluttershy. “And besides, isn’t there another pony here that has seniority in your friendship? While it may be good to give new friends some special attention, you shouldn’t neglect your old ones, right?”

Pinkie gasped. “Oh my gosh you’re right!” she replied before zipping over towards Fluttershy.

“Oh, it’s okay Pinkie, I don’t mind-AHH!”

As Pinkie worked to make up for lost attention with Fluttershy, which I’m not so sure if the yellow pegasus enjoyed or not, I made my way over to the combo bed set aside for me and Luna with Trixie in our magic. After getting settled, I rolled onto Luna’s back and brought Trixie in for a landing on our belly. Since the mare was still a bit discombobulated, I smiled at her and whispered gently into the girl’s ear. “Hey don’t worry, once everypony’s asleep, I’ll poof you out and into your own guestroom.”

The suggestion got a figit from the other pony. “T-Trixie...I mean, I don’t mind, Princess,” Trixie replied.

“Trixie,” Luna spoke up. “Is everything alright, my little pony?”

Unease made its way onto Trixie’s face. “It’s...well...this is...nice,” she finally admitted. “And aside from being dragged around by the pink one much too quickly...the hug was nice too. It has been a long time since Trix-I mean...I’ve been hugged.”

I sucked in a sharp breath. That hadn’t been what I was expecting to hear from Trixie.

Although...I suppose it did make a weird kind of sense. Ponies were sociable creatures, really sociable. Sure, running around a performing magic might have been Trixie’s talent/obsession, but just because it boosted her ego didn’t mean it was a replacement for whatever it was that brought ponies together and kept them that way through thick and thin.

“Okay listen up Trix, it’s Luna referring to herself in the third-pony that would drive me bananas. You can do it all day,” I told her with a smile before touching the cute little magician’s nose with my own for a second. “And if you want to cuddle for the night, I’m up for it if Luna is.”

“I have come to enjoy the feeling of another pony’s coat on my own,” my landlady replied. “Although I must insist we lay on our side. Being on the bottom of a two pony pile always makes for a terrible night’s rest.”

We rolled around a bit before I ended up on Luna’s side and pulled Trixie in close to hold her under my chin, careful not to mess with her horn. My snuggling experience with all of Luna’s helpers really came through in that regard. This was one mare that wasn’t about to have her eye poked out in her sleep.

But, before I could finalize my sleeping horse stance and dive into dreamland to wait for Twilight, Trixie spoke up. “Nightmare Moon?”

While the name from any other pony might have gotten my dander up, I was willing to give Trixie a pass. “One second,” I told her before mentally asking Luna to guide me through a Dome of Silence spell so our little conversation wouldn’t interrupt the others trying to get to sleep or be overheard. I’ll admit, it was mostly the second one though. “Okay Trix, what’cha need?”

“Well, what happens now?” she asked me.

But then Ms Second-Biggest Butt in All Equestria had to force her way into our conversation. “We thought it was clear. You will remain with us until your home is reconstructed, and then you may go on your way.”

“...oh,” the blue pony replied in a less than enthusiastic way.

“Of course,” I spoke up. “It’ll probably take awhile for everything to get done just the way you want it to be, and you’ll need to make sure the thing goes with your act. Which you’ll probably need to work on a little too. It’s been awhile since you’ve done a show, so you’re probably out of practice, right? Not to mention Luna could probably show you a few illusion spells even Celestia doesn’t know.”

Luna chuckled. “Sister is rather rough when it comes to some of the more delicate arts of magic. I shudder to think what kind of lessons she is giving over in that school of hers,” she mumbled at the end. “Something we will need to look into.”

The mare in our grip froze. “Y-You mean, you would be willing to take Trixie on as your student?”

The suggestion made me suppress a cringe. Aside from never being able to get into the Lunaverse story-line, the position of personal pupil was reserved for a short amber pony with a sun on her butt. “Hey now, let’s not go nuts,” I deadpanned.

“Indeed, I am afraid that I will be much too busy to take a student for some time,” Luna told her before she had me move her head closer to Trixie’s ear. “But I am willing to show a talented mare a few things, if she would be willing to wait for a week.”

As Trixie’s eyes widened, and alarm sirens began to sound in my head, I...couldn’t bare to crush her hopes. “Okay, but...since we’ll probably be having to deal with you during the daytime too. Tell me something, just what is it with that third-pony speak?”

“Oh...that,” Trixie replied as she got herself under control. “Well...you see...after Trixie-er, I graduated from Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns, I discovered a slight problem if my plans to become the most famous unicorn to ever perform in Equestria. Despite my skills in the mystic arts and performing expertise, I...um...well...I had a problem with...stage fright.”

I blinked, and took a second to process that information. “Come again?”

Trixie let out a sigh and looked down at Luna’s belly. “P-Princess, despite what I say, I know I’m not really special. Twilight Sparkle is far above what I could ever hope to be in magical power and prowess despite being years younger. I’m a fraud, and when I started out, I could just see that everypony knew it,” she said, much to my shock.

Then the little blue mare took in a deep breath, puffed her chest out just a little bit, and got a cocky smirk. “But The Great and Powerful Trixie? She was a mare worth watching, a mare that everypony cheered. She could put on a real show without an ounce of hesitation or nervousness to her voice,” she said before the air of confidence vanished and Trixie’s confident smile became more wistful. “While the scared little mare that barely ever got above average on her exams could just sit back and enjoy the show.”

I...blinked at the pony that laid herself bare to me and Luna, unsure of what to say to her.

“We thank you for this insight Trixie Lulamoon,” Luna told her before she frowned at the little pony. “Although, we find something odd about your story that we must correct.”

Trixie blinked. “P-Princess?”

“We have lived for more than a hundred of your lifetimes, and seen more of this world from the moon than even our sister,” Luna went on before she gave Trixie a smile. “And through all of that time, we have never met a pony that wasn’t special.”

As Trixie blushed at the praise, Luna continued speaking. “Now go to sleep my little pony. We shall speak of this desire for tutelage you have on the morrow, before we head to deal with the diamond dogs and their ilk.”

The mention of that quickly killed the mood for me, and a helped Trixie get to sleep with a little spell from Luna’s horn. After that, I managed to talk Luna into pulling Celestia into Twilight’s dreamscape so we could talk with her while we helped Twilight with her nightly therapy session.

If I really was going to have to deal with the diamond dogs tomorrow, then I wanted to know a bit more of their history rather than the bare bones that the alicorn sisters had fed me when it came to the founding of Equestria.