Twilight Attempts a Fapfic

by SwiperTheFox

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character
Length: 5951

Twilight tries and fails to write a fapfic for the popular foals' television show 'My Little Human'.

Twilight Sparkle finally did it. She watched the foals' television show 'My Little Human: Progress Is Scientific', and she felt totally blown away. Designed by Princess Luna herself, the program features a rock band of six creatures known as 'humans' who ride around 'Guyville' in a car powered by music and solve problems using the power of science. Twilight checked out a fan website called PISfiction.net, and she decided to join the community of 'humies' ('humares' if the fan is female) by writing a steamy fanfic, which fans called 'fapfics'. Unfortunately, Twilight found out that being an author was a lot harder than she had first imagined.

This is a side-story to my fanfic 'My Little Humie: Fanfiction is Social'. Thanks for reading.

Published 2012-05-23 06:24:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-05-23 06:24:01 UTC

And then there was the story

Twilight magically lifted down her pPad and placed it alongside her huge glass of sparkling blue soda. She switched it on, took a sip as the device loaded, and she activiated the application to get onto the Ponynet. She smiled as she followed the link to PISfiction.net, her new favorite website.

"It's a real shame about the name," she commented, glancing up idly around at the various shelves in her library. PISfiction. Oh, sure, that's the name from the television show-- My Little Human: Progress Is Scientific or MLH: PIS. But you can't even say it out loud. It always sounds like Piss-fiction! As in, 'fanfiction is piss'. She made a frustrated little sigh.

The page loaded. She clopped her hooves against each other in anticipation. She slid the browzer up and logged-in under her netsona, Starswirl'sBeard. She gazed at the big image of Peter Townsend used as the website's icon for that past week, the guitarist and bassist human gripping a huge Flying V as he screamed out in passion. I was so glad to see a 'Background Human' like him recognized on the show! He went from a sight gag to a full character!

"I'll never be able to thank Rarity enough for pushing me to watch it," she said. "And I'm still reeling of the fact that the show is so blasted good. Seriously, I know that Princess Luna thought up the whole thing. She's been behind the production. But, still, it was supposed to be for foals." Twilight thought back to the little poll on the Equestria Public Broadcasting Station's man website, epbs.org, and how it had found that more girls between the ages of fifteen and thirty watched the show than foals did. A torrent of comments from self-described 'humares', female adult fans, and self-described 'humies', a genderless term but one often used for adult male fans, littered the EPBS website.

And why wouldn't they love it? There's a band of six talented musicians driving around in a Rock-N-Roll-Mobile through a land of strange cartoon bipeds known as 'humans' while they solve problems using the power of science. And they call themselves the 'Damonas', such a clever name. Twilight sucked down some more soda.

That group-- from Elton John Damona to Freddie Mercury Damona to Joey Ramone Demona to Moon Keith Demona to Bill Nye Demona and now Peter Townshend Damona, just joined-- all seem perfectly. There's the flamboyant one, the reserved but mostly normal one, the shy one, the wild one, the smart one, and-- now-- the scrappy young outsider one. It works so perfectly. Not to mention the off-again, on-again band member known as Nash Kate "Katie" Demona, who gets to be 'the chick' of the group. She had always empathized with Katie so much, dealing with such a rowdy gang.

Every single episode works so well. I especially love seeing all of Bill Nye's gadgets and inventions. Twilight looked over at her PISfiction user pane on the top of the screen. She scratched the sides of her head with her hoof.

Messages: 0

Notifications: 0

She let out a low whine. Well, I suppose I shouldn't feel down. But, then again, I largely joined to get to connect with ponies. It's a fandom. It's all about mutual love and respect. We're here because we love cartoon humans and the power of science. We should be sharing our ideas. As of right now, I'm all locked out of the conversation. She clicked over and looked at her about-me section. I've only commented on other ponies' stuff. I've never actually written anything. She finished off her soda, clinking the ice cubes around. She took a deep breath.

"Well, there's only one thing for me to do!" Twilight announced to nopony in particular, although she stood up just the same. "I shall write a My Little Human fanfic myself." Sheer conviction just seemed to drip off of her face.

Now, then, time to look up some more info. She clicked over to some applications with scientific encyclopedias. I'll knock their socks off. I'll write a stunning fanfic that explains electro-magnetism better than any lecture ever could. She magically lifted over the bottle of soda from across the room and poured herself another glass. She scrolled through a webpage about magnetic field lines, but she suddenly stopped when she reached the end. Wait a moment, this seems really familiar.

She clicked back over to PISfiction, and she opened up her favorites tab. Sure enough, she saw story after story featuring detailed scientific information, providing fanmares with all kinds of background to the show's episodes. They all seemed to have less than two-hundred views and less than a hoofull of upvotes. "Oh, rats," she muttered, "I can't just write a fanfic about these dry topics. Almost nopony will read them."

She suddenly had a thought. It was an awful, terrible, and fantastic thought. It seemed to pop up from deep inside her brain and then swell out, expanding through her senses until she almost felt her idea dripping out her ears. I'll. Write. A. Fapfic.

"It always works for Rarity," she said, clicking over to her stories page and starting up her first story. "For goodness' sake, Silent_Rainbows, Rarity's online alter-ego, has gotten thousands upon thousands of views for making explicit romances, where every little move between lovers is detailed. She's shipped ponies with humans, humans with humans, and goodness knows what else."

Twilight filled out some of the routine things in the story submission form. She typed "null" in the synopsis lines and the title line, and she clicked that the whole main cast was involved. I'll can add the details to the description later. She looked upon the new page with a powerful, deep feeling of satisfaction. My story page! She slid her head from side to side. My own first story!

"Now," she said, sipping more soda and leaning back in her chair, "all I need is-- an idea."

She sat back a little to the right, tapping her hoof upon the table.

"Yep, just an idea."

She turned her hoof around, moved it backward, and then braced it against the table.

"Yep."

She clicked her teeth.

"That's all I need."

She took a long, deep sip of her soda.

"And then I'm set."

A painful twenty seconds of total silence passed.

*Smack!*

She threw her chair back behind her and pumped a hoof into the air.

"Aw, horseapples!"

Twilight stood up, shaking her head going over her eyes, and she glared at the screen of her pPad. How the hay does Rarity do it? She's been so blasted cryptic about it all. She always says that she just feels like 'writing is like breathing out' or something. She insists that she has to write, with concepts and storylines bubbling up inside her mind while she's just going about her day. She leaned down so close that she could see her reflection, her eyes narrowing.

"How, Rarity? How do you do it? How do all of these other 'fapfiction' authors do it?"

She calmed down as she rubbed a hoof up and down her cool glass, letting the condensation drip down onto her fur. She blinked again and again. Okay, let's think about this logically. She scrolled over to PISfiction's main page. What's popular right now?

She flicked through some trashy looking new fanfics on the front page. No, this isn't it. Goodness, I see such silly grammar and spelling errors even in the synopsis parts! Why do these ponies think that anyone will ever read their stuff! She paused. She suddenly felt like smacking herself. Of course, Twilight! Check out the featured fics! She slid up to the top of the page and clicked on the first image that appeared. She finished the last of her glass, and she gazed upon the most popular new fanfic on the whole website at the moment.

Braeburn's Talking Genitals

Because sometimes handsome golden maned stallions find themselves entering this strange world ruled by Princess Hillary Clinton from weird, obscure spells. Because sometimes these stallions find that those spells cause strange reactions inside their bodies. Because sometimes stallions feel like they have to relieve the throbbing between their legs caused by looking at all these sexy human women, and sometimes they head on over to a red-light district occupied by seductive dark-skinned ladies-for-a-price with cryptic white tattoos going over their bodies.

Because sometimes stallions just don't want to use condoms, knowing that girls on two feet enjoy their candy marshmallow semen even more than girls on four hooves. Because sometimes what would be routine STDs in the human world have weird reactions with spells, and sometimes poor stallions wake up to find a loud, gruff sounding "Good morning, my friend" message from their genitals, talking sounds from the ends just like from a normal pony's mouth. And, yes, this is the most horrible idea that I've ever had. Why have you guys given me over 300 watches?

5,997 Views

231 Comments

"Goodness," Twilight remarked, trembling, "what could possibly have possessed a pony to write that sort of stuff?" She felt her own hoof subconsciously moving down to her own flanks, thinking about what would happen if she heard her own sensitive external parts talking to her. This is the stuff of nightmares.

Hooves-Up: 400 Clops

Hooves-Down: 86 Clops

Twilight curled her head back, rubbing a hoof round and round along her shoulders. She closed her eyes. "Okay." She opened them up again, and she put on a very determined expression. She poured herself the last of the soda, and she licked her lips. "Candy marshmallow semen is what the reading public wants." She whispered a quick spell, blasting some extra cold favoring into the drink, and she sucked on one of the iced cubes. "Candy marshmallow semen is what they'll get."

Twilight crunched the ice cube in her mouth as she clicked back over to the page for her first fic. She clicked the label for "mature content" as well as for "romance". Time to get hot and nasty. It's time for... She felt the freezing cold remnants of the ice cube trickling down her neck. Fanfiction!

"First, the title!" She erased the little "null" message, and she started to type. "Don't think-- just start with your own deepest subconscious idea." She put down the first words that came to mind as she stared right out the window. She then looked down at the screen.

Hearts and Hooves Day for Twilight and Peter

She felt an ugly, scratchy sensation creeping up her insides. "Oh, Celestia! I'm not going to ship myself with a human, am I?" She slid her hooves against the table, slanting her chair upwards. "I'm writing myself in with a blasted main cast member, no less?" Her head wiggled for a moment, trying to get control of her feelings. "This screams 'Mary Sue'! It will be well neigh impossible for me to make a romance like that to work without falling into the worst romantic cliches, especially with somepony like me alongside a no-holds-barred rock-n-roll guitarist hero like Peter Townsend." Can I even imagine how to begin this story?

She pictured Peter's long, slender legs in his tight bluish-white slacks, his feet shoved into sharp black sneakers. Her mind's eye ran up to his blue and red dot "mod" target symbol on his big white shirt and up to his very young, handsome features. His flush cheeks matched his omnipresent, smug smile. His scruffy dark brown hair seemed so amazing with his huge bluish-brown eyes, with such sheer determination and belief in himself inside. With his soft yet quickly moving hands stroking up and down his guitar as he poised forwards, he looked like a lion in teenage human form.

Twilight stopped. She realized that she had subconsciously rubbed her body against the table, sweat dripping down her sides. She took a deep breath, and she sat down neatly upon her chair. "I guess I have to be honest with myself." Nothing that wrong with self-insert sort of stuff, right? She thought about the page after page of wish-fulfillment-type material that she had seen over the past few hours-- some terrible and some adequately written, but much of it popular. "But how can I do any character development?"

You don't need that, Twilight. It's a fapfic. You're just starting on the website, so you should make a splash. And if it's your own first fic, ponies will give you some slack. She clicked on over to the synopsis page. All I need to go is to make something that gets ponies hot between their legs. And they'll definitely feel it if I make Peter the romantic target.

"Is it a bad thing if I use my real name?" She sipped some more of her soda, and she pondered the issue. I'm related to royalty. Ponies know me around Ponyville for sure. It's not like I haven't seen ponies writing fics about me without my permission-- authors with nothing to do with me. "Still, maybe... to be on the safe side..." She started to type again.

Hearts and Hooves Day for Midnight and Peter

"That should work," she said, although she hardly felt confident in those words. "Well, then, what now?" She paused for a while. "What's the actual story? It can't just be a mere sex scene. There has to be more details." Oh, gosh, I can't believe that I just spoke about a 'mere sex scene', as if a fictional me having sex with a cartoon would be a normal occurring like getting the mail. "I suppose I should just... start typing things out... maybe I can edit them back to make more sense later." Come on, inspiration! Whatever you are, wherever you come from, and whatever you do-- please hit me! She ran her hoof along her pPad's side.

An accidental spell by showmare Midnight Lunamoon brings superstar guitarist Peter T. Damona to Ponyville.

"I guess that's plausible." She rubbed a hoof against her cheek. "But what would logically happen next? It can't just be love at first sight? Can it?" It's a fapfic. Wouldn't ponies be sympathetic twoards that sort of thing? She decided to just roll with it.

An accidental spell by showmare Midnight Lunamoon brings superstar guitarist Peter T. Damona to Ponyville. He finds himself hurt in the process, although she knows just the way to fix him back to help. Turns out that this botched 'Hearts and Hooves Day' performance will be the greatest day of her life. She brings him up to her big apartment out on the outskirts of Ponyville, out besides the lake. As they discuss their lives, a connection gets formed. Peter can't believe it. Could he be actually falling for this wondrous showmare, looking like some kind of movie star that he wouldn't have stood a chance with back in the human world? Thanks for reading. This is my first fanfic, so please don't be a Stiffy McSifferbrown.

"The little meme reference to Stiffy McSifferbrown from the season one opening is a nice touch." Twilight clicked to open up the actual body text pane for her story. She went through her synopsis for errors, fixing two little typos, and she smiled. "Well, it does come across as rather exploitative. And odds are so totally slim that a human would come to Ponyville and just go 'hey, I want to boink a showmare'." It's the rushed, crazy, and illogical world of fapfiction. Things should work.

Twilight took a nice long sip of her drink, and she prepared to start. Okay, now. This is the big moment. I need to get readers hooked on my fapfic. I should probably make it clear that they just have to see themselves as the protagonist. I can do this. I can avoid sounding like a Mary Sue if I maybe change things around.

Midnight Lunamoon, the devastating beautiful showmare that had rocked Hoofington by appearing to block out every star in the night star, thought that she had to do something even more dramatic for 'Hearts and Hooves Day' in Ponyville. She didn't have to worry, of course. Ponies just adored her. Yet she always put herself down, not quite understanding that she didn't need to top herself. Her lack of self-confidence ate at her like a virus, even though she didn't know it.

"Maybe I can introduce more background into the character. Make her more flawed."

This had happened given that Midnight had been abused by her father. Sexually. She woke up screaming every other night, feeling the ugly dark purple stallion's hooves still running down her daughter's flanks.

"Brilliant. Nothing makes ponies emphasize more with a protagonist than a bad background. And everypony on the Ponynet hates their parents. It's a matter of fact. The Ponynet is for four things-- porn, cats, trolling, and complaining about your parents." She smiled from cheek to cheek. "And introducing sexual assault only digs the hole for her to come out of deeper. No pony can read this and not root for the character."

Midnight looked totally beautiful. As she walked down the street, mares and stallions alike gazed upon her wiggling flanks. Her big cutie marks, a picture of stars over a bed of roses, seemed as elegantly pretty as a painting from inside Ponyville's city hall. Ponies lucky enough to dip their hooves into her throbbing love pudding often said that they could never feel satisfied by anypony else ever again.

"That's exactly it. 'Love pudding'. 'Candy marshmallow semen'. Those are exactly the turns of phrase that fapfiction readers love."

She prepared to practice her spell. She had learned it from an old, water-damaged book rescued from a Canterlot library shredder. She walked over to the empty lot just a stone's throw away from her apartments. She planned on doing something nopony had done before in an act-- making all of the light disappear. Everypony would see something darker than the blackest night-- no clouds as well as no moon. Then, as the spell ended after a suspenseful several seconds, what seemed like an endless solid wall of magical explosions would go off overhead.

She threw her light purple hooves up into the air, reading off the spell with total conviction. She closed her eyes as her horn lit up. She concentrated with all her magic, and she erupted straight up into the air. She opened her eyes.

Surprisingly, nothing had seemed to happen. She blinked, feeling very sad. "Oh, horseapples," she remarked. She kicked against the ground. "I guess that I've failed again. I'm such a loser, just like my dad told me." She cried as she thought back to that horrible stallion, who had molested her night after night. That made her into a hyper-sexual being unable to have limits as per recent research such as Rand et. al. in The Journal of Equestrian Social Policy (Volume VII, Section V).

"Although," Twilight said, tapping a hoof against her chest, "There was a lot of internal debate about that study. A lot of researchers such as Spring Step insisted that the sample size was too small. The correlation coefficients also presented some issues."

[Author's note -- those results are somewhat disputed, although peer reviewed and accepted.]

Yet a deafening explosion sounded behind her. Midnight flipped around, and her eyes grew wide as she saw a big black portal opening up through space and time. Somewhere in another planet far away from our own solar system, Peter Townsend found himself opening a door to Guitar Center and seeing a big black hole inside. It sucked him up like a Defrogrillator coming up against a mound of old discrepiatal shavings.

"That might be too obscure a reference." She paused. "Nah. Everypony with high school chemistry or above will get that. And this website is mostly for us intelligent, well-educated ponies anyways."

Midnight scurried forwards, seeing the human from her favorite television series falling through the sky and perching atop a stack of high poles besides the apartment building behind them. He jiggled about in place, waving his hands helplessly. Midnight blinked, trying to magically concentrate.

"Wow," he called out, "what the heck are you? You're like something I've never seen before. You walk on four hooves instead of on two feet. You also have these horns and things. Am I dead? Am I dreaming?"

"You won't be dead, but you'll get really hurt if you fall off those pipes," she replied.

"Oh, no!" Peter screamed. He tried in vain to grab the roof behind him.

"No, don't move too much! You'll make yourself fall!"

And, in a dictionary definition form of irony that would make Sweetie Belle brush, Peter tumbled to the ground. Midnight poofed the empty air, just missing him. He groaned in pain as he perched against the smaller pipes on the ground.

"Don't worry!" Midnight yelled out, speeding to his side. She ran a hoof against his head. She couldn't believe how beautiful he looked, even better in person than on television. "I'll take care of this. It's my fault you're here."

He nodded. She tried to pick up his back with a hoof, but she felt a little smattering of blood along his shirt. She opened her mouth to say something else. He seemed to pass out. She gritted her teeth.

She magically picked him up, and she carried him up to her apartment. She delicately placed him into her shower, putting the water out on him. She took off his shirt and pants. Although she had to do it, to see how badly he had gotten hurt, she marveled at his muscular, handsome figure. Oh, gosh! He seems like such a hottie! If only I could have him!

Little did she know that he felt just about the same way. As she trotted around her apartment, clutching various healing items, Peter dreamed about her. Her slender hooves, her smooth fur, and her plump, delicious-looking flanks made him crazy. Her amazing face and winning smile already burned into his subconscious.

"Fantastic!" Twilight called out. "This is just looking tasty."

She broke out the bottle of thick, creamy red salve. She poured it out onto her front hooves, and she rubbed up and down his chest. She felt so happy to have her fur against his wet skin, loving every inch of his pecs. She watched and smiled as the salve disappeared, working its magic inside his body.

Midnight pulled out the big canister of liquid green goop. She poured it all over his legs. As she got to his bloody feet, she nudged the slippery goop against his toes with her hooves. She loved that stroking, little bits of pleasure going through her.

"What? What happened?" Peter asked, stirring as he slanted back into place. The shower still rained down warm water onto his handsome body. "Hey." He blinked. He rubbed his eyes, and he gazed at the mare in front of him. She had already gotten a little wet as well. "You're the one. You saved me."

"Oh, well," she replied, blushing profusely, "I had to. I'm the one that sent you here, after all."

"Where is here?" he asked, glancing around from the nearby sink over along the various bits of furniture.

"This is my apartment." She paused, and she let out a half-chuckle. "I know that that's not what you meant." She magically lifted over a glass of iced tea. "Oh, well, it's hard to even begin to explain the rest of it. This land is a place on a different world."

"Whoa!"

"We call this place Equestria. It's populated by ponies such as myself. But some of them fly. Others have greater strength and ability but don't use magic." She put a hoof against his shoulder. "But we're all just about the same, inside. Our hearts. We're all tender and loving. I know that you'll love it here."

He let out a deep groan, leaning back in the shower. "I can't believe it. First, Katie breaks up with me. Second, I fall into a space-vagina thing inside the Guitar Center. Third, I'm in a different place. No job. No place to stay. No friends. Nothing."

"Oh, you can stay here for as long as you want!" She stood back and hopped on her big, fluffy couch. "This is all my fault, like I said, so I'll take full responsibility. And, I promise with all of my heart, you'll get lots of friends really fast."

"Thanks," he said. He stopped, running a hand along his cheeks. She realized that he tried to keep from crying. "I just feel so vulnerable. And then... I... I guess you were treating me here after I was hurt." He rubbed his hands up and down his sides and locked them against his knees. "That's why I'm here, like this. Why you brought me here. Thank you kindly."

"Yep," she replied. She saw his loving expression, and she decided to make her move. "But, I must confess, I had another reason." She stepped over towards the edge of the shower, sliding her flanks left and right seductively. She wiggled her tail around. She played a game as old as time. Despite the interplanetary barriers, she played it well, Peter taking a gulp.

"Miss unicorn, I--"

"My name," she said, coming even closer as she licked her lips, "is Midnight Lunamoon."

"Midnight," he said, leaning back, "I... I can't even think..." She could see a war going on inside his mind.

"My other reason," she said, stepping into the shower with him. Water poured all long her body, her long, flowing mane dripping down her shoulders. "Was that I wanted to have you shirtless and pantsless." She slid her body forwards, her soaking wet hooves tracing upwards along his legs. "In my shower." She put her face just inches from his, gazing into his huge, comforting eyes. "Me and you."

He closed his eyes. He pursed his lips out. She smiled, and she pressed forwards.

"And then they kissed," Twilight said. She stopped. She drank some of her soda, and she shifted around nervously in her chair. "Kissing." She pressed her head down against the table. "Kissing." She rubbed her head against the wood. "Kissing... somepony you love... what's that like?"

You're not a virgin. She stood up straight, coming off of her chair. Well, I'm not a virgin thanks to Dashie. And Derpy. But that wasn't... really... anything. Those mares wanted sex. She hadn't loved them, and they hadn't loved her.

"What is kissing your true love like?" She banged her head awkwardly. "Blast it. Maybe I can use a metaphor."

And they kissed. It felt so totally amazing. They both truly loved it.

"Ugh!" Twilight groaned. "Use something. Some simile. Some metaphor. Some kind of reference. What happens during arousal?" She tried to think back to that biology book she had read, back when she pleasured herself several times a day from that awful Young Colts, Tight Bondage novel she used to be into. She went back to typing.

They both felt a surge of pleasure similar to scoring into the tenth-percentile of your a-levels during the Canterlot Society of Economics bar period.

"I guess I can roll with that," Twilight muttered, sipping some more.

They both felt a surge of pleasure similar to scoring into the tenth-percentile of your a-levels during the Canterlot Society of Economics bar period. Her genitals experienced a far greater blood flow than before, reaching full arousal. On his part, his genitals swelled up as well. She felt that she just had to have him at that moment. Their pheromones overwhelmed their minds, getting their brains ready to fill with serotonin.

"Excellent!" Twilight declared. Fapfiction isn't anywhere near as hard as I thought.

She slid down his underwear with her magic. She smiled as she gazed upon him. He smiled as well, ready to go. She positioned herself.

"I suppose I need to emphasize the emotion," Twilight said, "maybe I should try to go with more florid language? That's what every single advice page I seem to see online says. The more complicated and the more detailed what you write is, the better a pony as well as an author you are."

She moaned as her welcoming jelly wiggled, his fingers acting like the Sword of Turin as it descended into the rocky crevasse of Baronia during Soarin' IV's 'First Trial'. He felt his own arrow getting loaded into his quiver, preparing to fire at her bright red target, and he let it go. She screamed, sensing something like the Storms of Astyriadia that soaked Helm's Deep pouring thorough her body. Only the ripples of lightening became ripples of pleasure.

He jousted his noble pole through the bevy of flags, reaching the end tip as the bright red flag curled around the knobby end. He roared as the thousand jaguars of Baronia had roared during Soarin' IV's 'Third Trial'. He prepared to transmogrify into a volcano, his red lava pouring all through her fertile grassy plains.

They became one, their souls amalgamating like the baking soda reacting inside of a canister of vinegar in Bill Nye's lab. He finally unleashed his mighty golden-arm, sticking up and clutching her sacred apple such as like Soarin' IV's 'Second Trial'. As he ripped out her sacred apple, she unleashed a verbal torrent like that of a thousand screeching falcons that Celestia had tormented Soarin' IIV with. They separated, gasping for air. The sheer joy seemed to cause their eyes to pop out of their sockets and slide out onto the floor, rolling so that they'd have to use their hooves and hands to knock them around like marbles. She looked like Bill Nye's canister of vinegar, thick white bubbles squirting around from the powerful reaction.

"That was so incredibly wonderful," Twilight said, eyes feasting on the latest paragraphs. "These well-read and well-cultured humies will simply love it. So many references to moments from classical literature. And a little note about the last episode too." Now, all I need is a happy ending. She finished her last and final soda. Well, maybe I could make up some kind of horseapples about how they're in love even though they just met less than twenty minutes ago. Readers eat up that sort of thing.

"Well, Midnight," Peter said, running his fingers through Midnight's scruffy mane, "I'm so happy. You've nursed me to health, but not entirely."

"Is that so?" Midnight cooed, her hoof making little circles on his chest.

"I think I might need some more 'nursing' for a matter of days," he said.

"Or weeks," she said, rubbing her head down against his neck.

"Or months."

"Or years."

And then they kissed once again.

The End

"I'm going to be so popular!" Twilight declared. "This work of sensual genius will be featured for sure!" She knew that the odds seemed slim for that per se, with nopony probably taking the title from a "talking genitals" story without a fight, but she had high hopes. She clicked to submit the story.

You are in fifth place within the queue.

"Well, I have plenty of time," she said. She looked at the clock. "I suppose Spike will be back from his date with Sweetie Belle any moment now." She got up, picturing surprising him with another plate of Pinkie's special cookies with the taste of sapphires mixed with bubble-gum. She clicked to turn off her pPad.

Three hours later...

Twilight curled up in bed, turning back on the pPad. She quickly opened up PISfiction.net and signed in. She slid herself up against her pillows. Her hooves shivered in anticipation. Now's the magic moment!

Messages: 1

Notifications: 39

"Oh, praise Celestia!" Twilight called out. "A full thirty-nine comments or favorites!" She looked at the routine approval message from 'Pouty', who had playfully commented-- 'Another human-x-pony fic? Thanks for posting another one on my birthday, you queen faget of fagetville buffalo-tail-licking piece of penis-cheese. BTW approved.' "Oh, Pouty!" She laughed heartily. "Your silly ways will never end." She clicked on her story.

654 Views

38 Comments

"Not featured or anything," she said, feeling a bit deflated but still smiling, "but that's still at lot of views for a 'first story'."

Hooves-Up: 2 Clops

Hooves-Down: 55 Clops

"What!" She scrolled down to the comments.

No_Limit_Coltcuddler: I CAN HAS FIRSTIES < Plox

"Blasted parasprites..."

MisterMare: First of all, there's no main cast here. Please fix that. Second of all, where the hay is the 'OC' tag? Nice pointless self-insert, Trixie.

And, seriously: What the hay is this garbage? What is wrong with you? Did you even try with this?

"I tried..."

Snake-In-The-Plot: I have nothing nice to say, so I'll... just leave...

No_Limit_Coltcuddler: I just actually read this.

0/10

Enjoy your hoof down, morans.

"Morans?" Twilight remarked, feeling her heart racing. "What? Did you seriously just try to insult me as a 'moron' but type 'morans' instead?" She scrolled down a little bit more, but she couldn't stand it. "Ugh!"

Where did I go wrong? What was the problem? I did everything that they wanted! Didn't I? She rapped her hooves against her sheets, anger just dripping off of her face. I can't take it!

She went back to her author's page. She clicked over at the story page, and she let out a deep breath. I'll show them! I'll show them all! She opened up a new story pane. She clicked through to mark it as 'grimdark' and 'mature'. You want hate? I'll show you readers hate. It's 'dark' time.

Derpy Molests Princess Hillary Clinton

Because sometimes Derpy makes it into the human world, and sometimes she finds herself in the royal office lobby where the most honorable Princess Hillary Clinton plans out her daily cabinet meetings. Because sometimes the Secret Service is no match for her cunning ways. Because sometimes Derpy finds that she hungers for some thick Clinton booty, and sometimes she perches the Princess over the Oval Office with lubricant dripping down both hooves. Because sometimes 'no' means 'yes'. Thanks for reading.

"And that's how Equestria was made!" Twilight screamed, her mane curling up as a 'cracked' sort of expression went over her face. Her eyes seemed to point over in different directions. She laughed.

"Oh, Twilight?" Spike said, opening up the door.

"Oh, Spike, I... uh..." Twilight covered up the pPad, absoutely not wanting to show anything to the tired but every curious looking baby dragon.

"You know," he said, walking over closer, "I can tell that you've read something that you've gotten really upset over."

"Spike... I..." She shivered, sweating hard. She took a deep breath, and

"Look, Twilight," he said, sitting down and putting an affectionate paw on her shoulder. She started to smile. "What's the difference? So, there's mean ponies on the Ponynet. There's wrong ponies. There's silly ponies. Who cares?" He moved closer, putting his head on her side. "Oh, sure, you'll have lots of good friends online. Bless them. But you can't let the constant battling wear you down. Sometimes you'll be wrong. Sometimes, you'll make mistakes. But that's life! You need to believe in yourself!" He made a toothy grin.

She looked at his kind, generous face, and she glanced back at the terrible set-up that she had written. She poised her hoof, closed her eyes, and she pushed her hoof down, deleting the story. She reached backwards and clicked the pPad off. She opened her eyes again, moving her hooves over Spike, and she gave him a deep, passionate hug.

"Thanks, Spike."

The End