A Kingdom of Crazies

by TheInsaneAuthor

Rating: mature
Tags: Dark, Alternate Universe, Romance, Comedy, Random, Adventure
Length: 4669

Moral of the story; never let a drunk, a hoepless romantic and a would be-scholar help you battle ancient evils

The moral of the story; never let a drunk, a hopeless romantic and a would-be scholar battle ancient evils. Especially when the drunk is attracted to one of them.

And the scholar is battling his own judgment.

And the lover is so oblivious that a ham sandwich in his place may have been a better decision.

And even more so when they, along with the rest of the world, stop giving a shit.

(Story begins before the events of the show and continues from there. Story is an alternate take on the show's timeline with changes throughout.)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-09 22:10:01 UTC

Prologue Part 1: How to Party Too Hard

1

Oh, goddess, I fucked up.

This thought stuck to Shining Armor's mind like glue as he came face to face with his sister's old babysitter, sleeping peacefully in his bed. Wait... he ran a hoof down the blanket. Purple. His sheets were white. Oh, Toni, what the fuck did you do to me?

The previous night came back in a flash. The clock hanging from the wooden wall of the Sundance Tavern had read 9:40 PM. He could hear Toni's voice as though he were laying in the bed next to him instead of the pink figure who's eyes were opening. Oh come on, Shining, you-

2

"-can do this."

The two stallions were sitting on stools at the bar of the tavern. Shining Armor, captain of the royal guard, his white body glowing in the light; and Toni, his drunken earth pony friend since colthood, guzzling away at his fourth Applejack Daniels that night. How the tan drunk wasn't spilling the drink all through his black mane was a mystery to Shining; it was, however, running down his chin in a colorless drool. The bigger mystery, though, was how Toni's composure and mind still seemed to be in check. Shining had seen the stallion get shitfaced before. Multiple times in one night once. And he definitely hadn't crossed that line yet. Immunity? No, Toni's immune system is like the broken pillar of a coliseum; it's the thing that screws everything else over.

"Dude, I don't know if I can," Shining mused. He picked up his beer, his horn glowing blue as he did so. Unicorn magic always puzzled him when he had as many beers in his system as he did that night. Is the magic the color of our eyes, his drunken self would think as he lifted bottles of booze to his mouth. But that night, the thoughts did not pass through as clearly. They were fuzzy, though he had no idea why.

"Oh, come on," Toni said, finally putting down the bottle he had been guzzling away at. "You have waited way too long to screw this up, man. As Nightmare Moon as my witness, I command you to go over there and talk to her!"

Toni slammed his drink down on the table as though it were a judge's mallet, drops of alcohol flying around. Other gatherers at the bar stared at him, shock present in their eyes at the mention of a creature of legends.

"Why not in the name of...of..." Shining trailed off. His head was pounding, and his vision was slowly becoming blurrier. He turned his head towards Toni, feeling the room shake as he did so.

Toni shrugged. "Dunno," he said, picking up his bottle by the neck and studying it. "I guess I don't think people deserve to be locked away for more than, like, a hundred years for doing something."

"But she tried to take the fuh... take the thro... the thing!" Shining argued.

"Yeah, but no one died. Look, that's not what's important!" Toni pushed his Applejack Daniels bottle across the bar table. It teetered, then fell. Liquid ran from the bottle's top, spilling onto the floor of the bar. The bartender, who had been using his hooves to clean shot glasses, sighed, and leaned down to retrieve the dirty mop on the floor under him.

"Just listen, okay?" Toni said, putting his front leg around Shining's neck. "Shining Armor Sparkle, with your shield-ass tattoo and repetitive name, you must do this. For the fate of your bloodline rests in your hooves."

"What about my sis... Twig... Twilight?" Shining asked. The room was becoming fuzzier still. He turned his head to the bartender, who was mopping up the spilt drink. The turn between looking from the alcoholic to the bartender was a mere blur. Though he turned back when he heard a fit of laughter coming from Toni. Coming out of the blur, he saw Toni drop to the ground from his stool, his hooves up to his chest.

"OH SWEET GODDESS!" he shouted. "You...ha-ha, oh my stomach it hurts so good-ah-ha-ha!"

"Wha...who?" Shining asked.

"Okay, whew," Toni wiped his head with his hoof, the booze dripping from it, wetting his black mane. He got back on his stool, putting his elbow on the table and hoof to his head. "That was a good one, Shining. Unless you can procreate with books, you are the only hope, brother."

"You really shouldn't talk about her like that."

The voice came from the dark-green Pegasus that sat at the stool next to Toni. He had come in with the other two, though he had remained silent throughout the ordeal. At Toni's remark, he had uttered his first words in the bar for nearly an hour. The glass of whisky on his table was his fourth one of the night, though it had sat there, untouched, for twenty minutes. Toni turned to the Pegasus, a hint of humor in his eyes. "What's wrong, Adam?" he asked. "Scared Celestia's prized pupil will come at'cha in the night?"

"No, Toni," Adam turned to his friend, his teeth barred. "I'm just not a jackass like you."

"Oh come on!" Toni replied, rolling his eyes. "We all know that nobody's as much of a jackass as me!"

"And you're proud of it?"

"My jackassery is a gift from the stars, buddy. Thanks, NM." Toni kissed his hoof and raised it to the sky. Someone made a disgusted grunt from behind them as they heard what he said and saw his gesture.

"So," Toni said, putting his hoof down and turning back to Shining. "You gonna go over there or what?"

Shining stared down at his half-full beer bottle. Should he? Would it hurt to? But the blur... was any of this real?

"One more beer!" the white stallion proclaimed, throwing his head back and drinking down the rest of the bottle in one hearty gulp.

"Didn't he say that three beers ago?" Adam whispered Toni.

The tan-colored earth pony turned to his friend, smiling, mischief in his eyes. "Oh, you bet he did," he whispered back. "This is gonna be fucking hilarious."

Adam shrugged. "If you say so," he muttered, going back to staring into his full glass of whiskey.

Shining Armor got off his stool, dazed, but knowing exactly where to go. The table at the other end of the bar. Pink alicorn. There she was. His heart lept. Here goes nothing, the white unicorn thought. Here goes-

3

-my life.

The figure with yellow, pink and purple-striped hair laying in the bed next to him had opened her eyes. The orbs of white with purple iris' looked at him lovingly as she stretched out her purple wings. The eyes were on him now, and Shining felt his face heat up. "Um, hi?" he managed.

"Hi yourself," the alicorn giggled. "You were crazy last night."

Shining felt his heart beat speed up. He felt like a hummingbird. Toni...

Shining jumped out of the bed. Purple blankets were strewn about the room as he hopped out, first his face hitting the wooden floor below him, then his hooves. "Oh goddess, Cadence," Shining managed. "We didn't.... did we... did I... oh, goddess I am so sorry."

Cadence looked at him with her purple eyes, stone cold. Then she laughed. "No, silly," she giggled. "No, we didn't 'do' anything. You passed out before we could." Her eyelids slid down her eyes, and a seductive smile crossed her face. "But if you'd like we could-"

"So sorry," Shining spoke rapidly. "Oh, wow, look at the time, gotta run, I was drunk last night, hope it was a good laugh, gotta kill an asshole now, okay, bye!"

Shining zipped out from the tower Cadence resided in. He ran down a marble staircase, passing a white unicorn guard dressed in shining gold attire as he did so. "Hello, Captain," he shouted as Shining passed him. "What brings you to Cadence's tower?"

"A jackass," Shining swiftly spoke as he ran out into the fresh air of Canterlot. He looked around wildly, searching for where he knew Toni would be. His eyes caught hold of the sign. Sundance Tavern.

Oh Toni, when I get my hooves on you you're gonna wish-

4

"-you lovely ladies doin' hic tonight?"

Cadence felt her face turn hot as she heard the drunken, slurred voice behind her. Though what she heard was Howyoolullyladiesdoi hic nigh, she understood what the tipsy stallion was saying perfectly. Toni had been right; it wasn't too hard to understand the captain of the guard, even if he was drunk.

Cadence felt her wings quiver as he touched her shoulder. His beer breath wasn't as bad as she had expected it to be, though it still didn't smell great. "Woojahliketah, um, I dunno, doating?"

The closest translation Cadence could get was "Would you like to do a thing," and even then it didn't make much sense. She turned to the stallion, who was looking at her with entranced eyes. She blushed, feeling the red enter her cheeks, then looked past him to the bar. Toni was looking at them smiling. He gave Cadence a salute, a sign he had told her meant "He's all yours. Hi ho gov'na." Why he had added the "Hi ho gov'na," to the end of it hadn't concerned Cadence. She had assumed he was probably drunk at the time.

"Sure," Cadence smiled softly at the stallion in front of her. A goofy grin spread across his face. Cadence wanted to burst into laughter. The captain of the guard, everypony! Bask in his smile of strangeness!

"O'kay," he mumbled. "Wherewego?"

Me throw rock at small earth pony at bar's head. He make me too drunk. Cadence giggled at the thought of what would eventually happen to Toni in the morning. But, as he had told her, "I can take the heat, darlin' just watch."

"We could take a walk around Canterlot, if you'd like," Cadence said.

"Sands grut!" Shining exclaimed. Cadence giggled as the stallion's legs seemed to collapse beneath him like pillars and his white body hit the wood floor with a smack. Cadence held a hoof out to Shining. Shining looked at the offer with shock for a moment as the comprehension of what exactly was being extended went through his mind. Then he grabbed her hoof. She tugged him to his feet. He swayed slightly, burped, then leaned his front leg against a table.

"Sowheredi, uh, diwe,uh-"

Cadence put a hoof over Shining's mouth. The unicorn blushed, staring intently at the hoof that rested on his face. "Whaaaat?" he asked.

"Just come with me," Cadence said. She wrapped a wing around the large stallion. She looked at his face as she did so, seeing the blush run deeper. "We can take a nice little walk, okay?"

The captain of the guard stared intently down at the floor, no sign of movement. Cadence felt her heart leap. She looked over at Toni, but he seemed to be chatting with a yellow unicorn with a fluffy blue mane and tail. Oh goddess, did I fuck it up?

Then, Shining looked up. "Wha?" he asked.

Cadence sighed with relief. "Just follow me," she said, walking him towards the door of the tavern. "You and I are gonna go out, okay? Maybe have a bit to e-"

"YOU BASTARD!"

There was a loud smack coming from the right of Cadence and Shining. Cadence turned to see Toni, holding a hoof to his face, falling off his stool. He landed with a crack on the wooden floor below him. "Never say shit like that to me again!" the yellow unicorn he had been flirting with shouted, kicking his face as she did so.

Toni stayed silent as the unicorn stormed out of the bar. As the door to the tavern swung shut he shouted after her; "Fine you bitch! See if... see if I care..." Cadence could tell the earth pony was on the verge of tears as he got back on his stool.

"You okay?" the green Pegasus sitting next to him- what's his name? Alex or Andrew, something like that, right- wrapped a wing around his friend.

"It really hurt," Toni pouted, rubbing the side of his face.

"Come on," Cadence whispered to Shining Armor, who was looking, dazed, at Toni. "Come on, let's get going. We can-"

5

"-not keep this up, Toni."

Toni sat at the bar, a bottle of Appleoosa Cider in his hoof. He took a hefty gulp from it, setting it back down on the table. He hadn't had a drink in over 24 hours, and it was killing him that he had gone so long without one. He had lost some of what he called his "mojo" the night before, when he'd used the dumbest pickup line ever to try and seduce the ever-beautiful Lemon Hearts. He didn't necessarily like her, and she was annoying most of the time to him, but he had felt desperate at that point. His only goal was "one-night stand," though it had turned into "smack to face."

Toni rubbed the side of his face. His eye was slightly swollen from where Lemon had kicked him the night before. The once tan flesh around his eye was bruised, a greenish color. He sighed, trying to put the events of the night before away into the back of his mind, taking another sip of cider.

"Come on Toni, are you even listening to me?"

Toni turned to his right. Where a green Pegasus had once sat was now a pure black unicorn with golden eyes. His mane was short cut, his tail twirled around a leg of the stool he was sitting in. There was only water in front of him. "No," Toni admitted to the unicorn. "No, I'm not. But, goddess, Kurt, why the hell are you telling me chasing after mares is wrong when Adam does it all the goddess-damn time?"

"Look," Kurt said, turning to face his friend. "You and Adam both want the same thing; love. And I get that. But, ya see, Adam wants real love. He wants to be with someone that he can love for the rest of his life. You, though? You just wanna do the bang-and-leave magic trick, Toni. And how good of an idea is that? What if one of the mares you sleep with finds you and beats you up, huh? What if you end up having a child with one? What then, Toni?"

"I... I don't know," the earth pony admitted, taking another gulp from his cider.

"No," Kurt said. "No, you don't know. But you'd be better off if you didn't know, trust me. How many mares have you been with, Toni?"

"You know how many," Toni said angrily. "What the fuck does it matter anyways. I mean, shit, we only got one life, right Kurt?"

"But wouldn't you rather spend it with one mare you really love?"

"Never gonna happen, Kurt. And I'm happy as is, okay? So just drop i-"

"YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

Toni had no time to turn around when a white figure jumped on top of him. He screeched shrilly as his attacker began to beat his hooves against his face. Kurt sighed, taking a sip of his water, watching on. A green figure suddenly flew from the restroom of the bar. It kicked the white figure off of Toni, who was still screaming on the ground. "Not the face!" he shouted. "Not my awesome face!"

Adam held a hoof out to Toni. Toni grabbed it, allowing the Pegasus to pull him up. Adam turned back to Shining, who was up, glaring at him and Toni.

"You guys fucked me over!" he shouted.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Adam asked, glaring at his friend.

"Don't blame Adam," Toni said, walking up beside the Pegasus. "It's my fault. I'm sorry it didn't go the way we planned. Or... did you sleep with her?"

"Well, yes," Shining said. "I mean, no, I mean, ugh, it's complicated."

"I'll say," a voice from the door spoke up. "Toni, you really fucked it up this time."

The four stallions turned to the door. "Me?" Toni asked, bewildered. "How the hell is this on me? You came to me, not the other way around, sister!"

"All right," Kurt said. "This is gonna get interesting."

Cadence glared at the black unicorn as he rapidly slurped up the water that had been in his glass. As he placed the glass back on the table, the bartender refilled it. Rolling her eyes, the alicorn that had been the babysitter of Shining's sister and was the niece of Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria, faced Shining. "Before you say anything, I'm not angry. But I think you deserve to know that-"

6

"-I had a great time tonight."

Cadence couldn't contain herself as she planted a kiss on the white stallions cheek. The drunken guard blushed, a smile forming on his face, his tongue lolling out like a dog's. Cadence felt her heart begin to beat faster as he began to lean in closer. She could already imagine the touch of his lips on hers, embraced in a passionate lock.

Instead, Shining burped, then fell to the ground, his chin hitting it with a smack. Cadence sighed. Toni's words echoed in her ears. Man, woman-corn, all you gotta do is get'im up the mother-luckin' castle and duck his... oh, hold on, I need more booze... ah, what was I saying again? Right; get him to your house castle thingy, you burp entitled bitch.

And she did just that. Carefully extending a wing underneath Shining Armor, she carefully lifted him back to his feet. A gurgled "Igotsitthinkya," came out of his mouth before he was able to stand up one his own.

Cadence looked into his confused yet loving eyes. "So, you ready to go up?"

"Yeaaah man," Shining slurred, a short burp escaping him. Cadence giggled, then wrapped a wing around the buff stallion's body, guiding him through golden doors and into the tower.

They climbed up the steps to the top where Cadence's room resided. Every once and a while they had to stop, Shining saying something about either snakes or tadpoles. She giggled each time he did, though she was a bit concerned. Hallucinations from being drunk didn't seem very possible, given the beer he was drinking was brewed in the Sundance Tavern, and it wasn't that strong at all. More of Toni's words pierced her mind; I'll give it a little extra spike don't fuck... yeah, wait, yeah, fuck, just don't worry about it officer.

Finally, after what seemed like hours but was really only ten minutes, they had arrived at the wooden door at the top of the castle. Using her horn, Cadence opened the door, a barrier of pink surrounding the object as it quietly squeaked open. She led Shining Armor past a small TV room area, a monitor resting above a large cabinet full of glass sculptures. She walked him through a small dining area containing only two stools at a small wooden table. She led him past a kitchen of pure white, windows letting Celestia's moonlight fall onto the objects. Finally, they were in the bedroom.

A large window faced outwards left of the door. Moonlight cascaded down onto the pure purple bed. She sighed as she lay the giant unicorn down on the left side of the bed, resting his head on a white fluffy pillow. There was a soft murmur from him before he drifted off to sleep. Cadence smiled watching the captain of the guard snoozing peacefully in her bed.

Careful not to wake him, the alicorn levitated him upwards a few inches, just enough to pull the blankets away from him. She set him down on the mattress lightly. She pulled the covers up over him, encasing him in the purple objects. He muttered something inaudible in his sleep, then lay silent, his sides heaving up and down as he inhaled and exhaled. Cadence walked slowly over to the other side of the bed, her eyes glued to Shining the entire time. I'm getting in bed with the captain of the guard, she thought excitedly. Oh, goddess, thank you.

Cadence slid under the covers. She rested her head on the soft white pillow on the bed. She stared at Shining's blue mane for a moment, smiled, then drifted off to sleep.

7

"What?"

That was all Shining could say after Cadence had said, "Before you say anything, I'm not angry. But I think you deserve to know that Toni and I basically set you up."

Shining turned towards Toni. Toni lifted a hoof, smiled, and waved it from side to side in a comical fashion. Shining turned to Cadence who was looking down at her hooves. "You... what?"

"Okay, I'll explain it, buddy," Toni said, putting an arm around Shining's neck. "So, ya know how you like Cadence, right? Right, course ya do. Now she knew that I was your drinking buddy, but here's the real cliché twist; she likes you too. Now, instead of acting like a normal pony and just talking to you, she came to me and, in my half-drunken stupor, we formed the perfect plan to get you to talk to her! I mean, Celestia's horn, I thought you'd have seen through it."

"How would I have?" Shining questioned. "I was drunk."

"Dude, even a drunk knows you can't down four Applejack Daniels. That was water, dude. I mean, goddess, do you know what that would do to my immune system? Goodbye, liver! Loved ya in the day! Though your poor judgment may have been because of the LSD."

"The WHAT!"

Toni smirked as he ran to the bathroom doors, ready to barricade himself in there in the case Shining decided to go after him.

"So... so this entire time I was being played because the only way you," Shining pointed towards Cadence. "could talk to me was if I were drunk?"

Cadence shifted her hooves. "I'm sorry," she confessed. "I really am. It's just that, you're captain of the guard and all and... ugh, I don't know. Wouldn't it be weird if the captain of the royal guard and the adopted niece of Celestia started dating?"

Silence from the room. It lasted only a few moments before Kurt piped up. "Well, who cares?" he asked. "No one really gives a shit about your professions or titles. Just kiss already, for Celestia's sake." He downed his filled water glass swiftly.

"I'm... I'm sorry," Cadence said, staring down at her hooves.

Shining walked towards her. "Hey, Toni?" he said, not looking away from Cadence.

"Yeah?" Toni asked from behind him.

"That was a pretty stupid thing to agree to."

Shining lifted Cadence's head up with his hooves. He stared into her eyes, the purple on them reminding him of a summer sunset. "But nonetheless," he said. "Thanks."

Shining's heart beat in his chest as his lips touched Cadence's. Before closing his eyes, he saw Cadence's widen with shock. Then she too was embracing his lips with hers. Shining heard Toni shout  "Fuck yeah!" behind him. He released from Cadence, turning towards the alcoholic earth pony.

"Hell, yeah, you entitled bitch!" Toni shouted. "I did that shit! Woo!"

"Why do you even call her that?" Adam asked. He was sitting on a stool, a red margarita in his hoof.

"I'm sorry," Toni said. "Did my title of King Jackass escape you?"

"But, why?" Cadence looked up at Shining Armor, confusion in her eyes.

Shining smiled at her. "Because the only way I could talk to you was if I was drunk," he confessed. "And, hey, if the only way you could talk to me is by making an elaborate plan to get me drunk, then I guess it all works out."

"You should get drunk more often then," Cadence joked. Shining smiled at her, then turned his gaze to face the celebrating Toni.

"Yeah, that's right, bitches!" he roared in triumph. "I am the best, boyo!"

"You do realize that if I hadn't come to you asking you for help, this never would have happened right?" Cadence asked.

Toni stopped celebrating. He glared at the mare. "Oh, I'm sorry," Toni said harshly. "Didn't I get you two together?"

"Just let him have his moment," Shining said, wrapping his arm around Cadence's neck. "He deserves it."

"Thank you," Toni said, sitting back down at the bar stool next to Kurt.

"What do you say I treat you to breakfast?" Shining asked Cadence.

Cadence's eyes sparkled with joy. "I'd love that," she said, smiling. "I really would."

8

It had been three minutes since Shining Armor and Cadence had left for breakfast when Kurt piped up. "You're not a jackass."

Toni, who was sitting to his right, looked at him, perplexed. "Pardon?" he asked.

"Dude," Adam said from Toni's right. "You are always claiming to be a proud jackass. But what you did there, helping those two get together? That's not exactly jackass material."

"Well, yeah," Toni said. "I just sort of saw it as an opportunity for Shining, ya know? I mean, shit, he's talked about her for so long, I just needed him to shut up. And, what do you know, perfect chance!"

"No way," Kurt said, smiling. "You did that because you wanted to help them, didn't you?"

"N-no," Toni said, blushing. "No way, I would never do anything like that at all. That is just stupid, and... and stupid... and... and yeah, okay I did do it for him because I think they deserve to be happy."

"Ah-ha!" Adam and Kurt exclaimed at the same time.

"So, did it have anything to do with anything else?" Kurt asked, smiling.

Toni looked at him, confused. "Anything else?" he echoed.

"Toni, you're as oblivious as Adam is to everything around him when he's on the chase for someone to love! You totally want that."

"What!?" Toni exclaimed. His cider spilled across the table. The bartender, who had been wiping down dishes, sighed, getting the mop out. He glared at Toni, and Toni got the message; I'm sick of your shit, Toni.

"No," Toni said. "No, naw, nah, no. I do not ever want to be in a relationship where I don't preform the bang-and-leave magic trick. Ever."

"Okay, what if Nightmare Moon came down from the moon and moved to Canterlot," Adam asked. "Would you be in a relationship with her?"

"Fuck no," Toni scowled. "Life is about being happy, okay? And I am perfectly happy the way I am."

"Yeah, sure," Kurt said. "Besides the fact that you've never-"

Toni stuffed a hoof into the black unicorn's mouth. "Shut up," he whispered. "Shut the fuck up or I swear I will burn your scholarly papers or something. Or one of your transcripts. Okay?"

Kurt silently nodded. Toni smiled, taking his hoof away from his mouth. "Good boy," he whispered.

Adam looked at the two, about to ask what was going on, when a lavender Pegasus suddenly flew into the bar. "I'm looking for Adam!" she shouted.

Adam looked up. The yellow-haired Pegasus flew over to him. "Oh, thank goddess you're here," she said. "We need another Pegasus to help us with preparing for today's storm. Compass Star isn't feeling too well and we need someone in his place."

"No worries, Cloud Kicker," Adam said. "Let's go." He turned back to his companions. "Sorry, guys. Gotta do this."

"Yup," Toni said, waving a hand. "See ya later."

Adam flew out of the bar close behind Cloud Kicker as Toni and Kurt sat and drank, cider for Toni, water for Kurt. It would be another three hours before Adam returned. In the time between his departure and his return, the earth pony and unicorn sat silent.