The New Life of a Winning Pony

by Chengar Qordath

Rating: teen
Tags: Blossomforth, Drama, Cloudkicker, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Comedy, Derpy Hooves, Slice of Life
Length: 169991

Cloud Kicker's life has been going just about perfectly. She's got a good job, two beautiful girlfriends, and she's never been on better terms with her friends. Little does she know things are about to get complicated again.

Cloud Kicker's life has been going just about perfectly. She's got a good job, two beautiful girlfriends, and she's never been on better terms with her friends. She's even getting more time with her family now that her cousin is serving as Princess Twilight Sparkle's personal bodyguard. She made mistakes in her past, but now all of that is over and she's earned her happily ever after.

Or at least, that was what she thought. Little does she know that her new life is about to start getting very complicated.

Published 2015-07-03 01:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-04-23 16:52:00 UTC

An Inauspicious Morning

“Hurrrglllk!”

Throwing up last night’s dinner is not the best way to start the day. In fact, I’d rate it as one of the worst ones I can think of it. It’s right up there with waking up in bed with a Diamond Dog.

Never. Again.

I groaned, pushed my mane out of my eyes, and made sure there wasn’t even a single yellow hair anywhere near my mouth. The last thing I needed was to spend the rest of the day with my head smelling like vomit. For the record, Fluttershy’s pasta had tasted far better last night than it did coming back up.

I groaned and rested my forehead against the toilet seat, waiting to see if my stomach was done flip-flopping or if I was going to be putting on a repeat performance. In my opinion, that’s always the worst part of vomiting: sitting over the toilet, waiting to see if the food’ll come back up again. It actually isn’t so bad coming back up, since at least once that happens your stomach starts to settle a bit.

Granted, a lot of my experience with that was from having a few too many ciders back in my college days, not ... well, whatever this was. It couldn’t have been something wrong with the food—otherwise, Fluttershy and Blossomforth would be in here with me tossing up the rest of last night’s dinner. Maybe it was some kind of stomach flu. Though if that was the case, they would almost certainly have caught it from me, considering what we’d gotten up to after dinner. In which case I probably owed them an apolo—

“Blaaaaargh!”

Phew. I felt better already. Granted, also a bit gross, and there was an absolutely terrible aftertaste in my mouth, but at least my stomach was settling down. Though it would be pretty hard for me to throw up again when my stomach had to be just about empty by now. At least, I sure hope so. Dry heaves suck. I decided to stick by the toilet for a little while longer anyway just to be safe. It’s not like an upset stomach usually listens to my opinion about whether it should settle down.

“Cloud?” I looked up from the toilet as a bleary-eyed, half-awake Blossomforth shuffled in. For a second or two she stared at me in sleepy confusion, until her brain put it all together. Then her eyes went wide and she immediately rushed to my side, gently rubbing my back. “Are you alright, Cloud? What’s wrong?”

“Dunno.” My stomach seemed to finally be calming down, but I still had no idea what had brought it all on in the first place. “Mind getting me some water to wash my mouth out with?”

“Oh! Sure, right away.” Blossom zipped off, and returned moments later with a glass of water and a washcloth.

While I rinsed that nasty vomit aftertaste out of my mouth she wiped my face and neck off. By the time we were done I almost felt like a normal, healthy pony again. “Have I mentioned you’re incredibly sexy when you’re being a nurturer?”

Blossom rolled her eyes. “Down, girl. No way I’m kissing you while you’ve still got barf breath.” She frowned a moment, then gently rubbed my stomach. “Any idea what brought this on? You seemed fine last night.”

“No idea.” I frowned and shrugged. “Probably nothing serious. I mean, I feel fine now.” I filled my cup of water up from the bathroom sink and washed my mouth out a bit more. “Probably just something I ate. Don’t tell Eepy, she’ll blame herself and I’ll be fending off her apologies for months.”

Blossom snorted quietly. “Oh come on, Fluttershy’s not that bad. It’ll be a week of apologies, tops.” She draped a warm, feathery wing over my back. “I’ll let Rainbow know you need to take a sick day, okay?”

“I don’t need a sick day,” I cut in just a bit hastily. “I mean, I feel fine now that my stomach’s empty. Probably just needed to get it all out. Besides, I don’t want to waste one of them.”

Her wing tightened over my shoulders. “It’s not wasting a sick day if you’re actually sick. That’s what sick days are for.”

I chuckled and stroked her cheek. “Oh Blossom, you silly, sexy thing. Sick days are for when you just don’t feel like going to work and you can fake being sick well enough to convince Rainbow.” My smile split into a devious grin. “Or have some other way to convince her to let you pass for being sick, like threatening to expose a couple of her favorite napping spots.”

Blossom chuckled and shook her head, throwing her hooves up in the air. “You’re terrible. You know that, right? I don’t know why I put up with you, sometimes.”

I knew the answer to that. “My amazing good looks, irresistible charm, and all the amazingly good sex we have?” I grinned and nuzzled up her neck. “Especially the last one.”

Blossom gently but firmly pushed me away. “Again, barf breath. Nopony’s sexy with the smell of vomit hanging over them. Not even you.” She put a hoof over my lips to cut off my objections. “And no, washing your mouth out isn’t enough to fix it. Or a breath mint. Or ... look, sex isn’t gonna happen until the memory of you spewing into the toilet is a little less fresh in my mind, so just ... don’t.”

I groaned and crossed my forelegs over my chest, pouting. “You never let me have any fun.”

Blossom smirked and poked me in the ribs. “That’s not what you said last night. I bet you thought I was quite a lot of fun if that mewing was anything to go by...” Her smile slipped a few moments later. “You sure you’re okay? You looked really sick. Even if you think you’re well enough to work, you need to take it easy. Should I let Derpy know you won’t be able to make it to dinner at her place tonight?”

“No, don’t cancel it. I’ve been looking forward to that all week.” I always loved going to see Derpy and her kids. Even if our relationship hadn’t worked out, we were still good friends, and her kids liked me. Plus, Sparkler was dating my cousin, Star. Thankfully, Dinky was still a bit too young to see romance as anything more than a source of the dreaded cooties.

Blossom frowned, putting a hoof on my forehead to check my temperature. “Well, it doesn’t feel like you’re running a fever or anything. I suppose there’s no reason you can’t go as long as you’re still feeling alright.”

“I’m so glad I have your permission to go,” I grumbled good-naturedly. “For the record, if it turns out that I am sick, you have to put on the nurse outfit while you take care of me. And stay here every night until I’m better.”

Blossom rolled her eyes. “I already spend so many nights here I’m starting to wonder why I bother keeping my old cloud-house. I mean, it’s not like I have a small zoo to take care of the way Fluttershy does.”

That caught my attention very quickly. “Wait ... are you saying you want to move in with me?”

“Yeah, I guess.” Blossom took half a step back, her hooves shuffling along the bathroom tile. She was blushing in the cutest way that really brought out her freckles. And, boy, whenever I saw that, I heated up again in a way that had nothing to do with the fever. “Well, we’ve been dating for a pretty long time now. To be honest, the only reason I didn’t bring it up sooner is that I didn’t want to make Fluttershy uncomfortable, since she needs to keep her old place.” She looked around my relatively small place, then grinned. “Well, that and I wasn’t sure there would be enough room for all my stuff. This makes a nice bachelorette pad, but it might be a bit cramped for two ponies living together full time.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” I pulled myself off the floor, stretching out my wings. “So much for that idea, then. Besides, it’s better that we all have our own places. Sometimes we just need our personal space and all that, right?”

Blossom thought it over, and a smile slowly spread across her face. “Well, I do have some bits saved up. Between that and what I could make from selling my cloud-house, we could probably get enough to do some remodeling on your home. Add a workshop for me, maybe a new, larger bedroom and bathroom. You know—make the place big enough for two ponies.”

“Oh.” My ears drooped, but I quickly tried to hide it. “Er, yeah. That’s an option too.”

Don’t misunderstand, it’s not that I hated the idea of Blossom moving in with me. She’s great. I wouldn’t be dating her and having lots of wild sex with her if she wasn’t. But having her move in with me ... well, that was a big step. About the biggest step a pony could take, short of the dreaded M-word. Blossom and I were happy together, and everything was going just fine for us. I was just getting used to being in a committed, long-term relationship. We had a really good thing going. Why mess that up by changing our relationship and living together?

It’s like all those farmponies say: if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

An hour later I headed into work, feeling perfectly fine once more. I’d gone a little light on breakfast just to be safe, but I was pretty sure the worst of it was over. That’s usually how it goes when you eat something that disagrees with your stomach. Once your body gets whatever it doesn’t like out of its system, you’re fine again.

I stopped by the office to see what was on the schedule for today and was treated to the rare sight of Rainbow Dash actually sitting at her desk and going over some paperwork. She tended to shuffle that off on me or Blossom as often as she could get away with. We didn’t really mind, since Rainbow’s not exactly great at dealing with the bureaucratic side of her job. At least her office didn’t look like a tornado went through a paper factory anymore.

I trotted in, a relaxed smile on my face. “Hey, Dash. Is my eyesight going, or are you actually doing your own paperwork for once?”

Rainbow looked up and me and snorted. “Ha ha, Cloud. You’re hilarious. See how much I’m laughing?” Her face remained completely flat until she felt she’d made her point. “Anyway, I'm just redoing today's schedule—didn't think you were gonna be in.” She went back to staring at the schedule for a second longer, then blinked, crumpled it up, and tossed it across the room and into a trash can with a tiny basketball hoop attached to the top of it. She made the shot, of course. She leaned back in her squeaky leather armchair and crossed her hooves behind her head before turning to face me completely.

I frowned at her response. “Why wouldn't I be showing up for work today?”

“Blossom told me you blew chunks all over your toilet this morning.” She chuckled and smirked at me. “Figured you'd be using one of your sick days to get over a nasty hangover.”

“I-have-a-hangover-itis is a well-known disease throughout Ponyville.” One I’d suffered from more than once in the past. Not this time, though. “Nah, I wasn't drinking last night. Just seems to have been something I ate. I'm doing fine now.”

“You sure?” She frowned and critically looked me over for any signs of illness. She was trying to be all brusque and businesslike about it, but I know Rainbow well enough to get when she’s worried but too tough to admit it. “I don't need to hear complaints that you got sick on the job and somepony beneath you got rained on in the worst way possible. Yeah, it’d be kinda funny in a gross way, but then if they file a complaint it’ll turn into a big ugly mess. And I can’t make you run an official complaint about yourself.”

“And Blossom probably counts as having just a slight conflict of interest.” I mean, she was my long-term fillyfriend who wanted to move in with me now, even though things were going perfectly fine and there was no need to change anything.

Okay, maybe that Blossom thing was bugging me a bit.

I doubt Rainbow wanted to hear about my love life, though. “Relax, I'm completely fine now. You know how it goes: my stomach settled down pretty quick once I emptied it out.”

Rainbow nodded, then stepped over to my side and tentatively poked me in the belly. “If you're really sure you’re good to go ... just, it’s no big deal if you had to take the day off or something. You’ve got plenty of sick days left, and I could handle your shift and mine in ten seconds flat.”

I rolled my eyes. “Sure you could.” Rainbow was pretty fast, but I don’t think she was that good. Still, I didn’t recall there being anything too major on the weather schedule for today, so she was probably right that they’d get along just fine without me.

“Besides,” Rainbow continued, rubbing the back of her head. “I don’t want you making yourself sicker or anything. Especially over work.”

I smirked, and my tone turned teasing and just a little flirty. “Have I ever told you that you're really cute when you're being all sweet and caring?”

“Slanderer,” Rainbow shot back. She raised her head slightly, shut her eyes and nodded sternly with her forehooves crossed—obviously going for the priggish businessmare image. Ever since that one mare from the Equestria Games committee sent her off on a big professionalism streak she’d had occasional moments of acting more like an actual boss. “I’m not being sweet, I’m just being your boss. I’d rather have you take a sick day to get over it now than have you end up getting so sick and missing a week of work. See? Pure, cold-hearted business logic.”

We both knew that was a load of horseapples, but I didn’t call her out on it. I knew she cared, and that’s the most important thing.

Rainbow poked my belly again, then frowned. She tilted her head to the side, leaned in a bit closer, then poked me a couple more times. I wasn’t sure what to make of that, but clearly something had caught her attention. “Something up?”

Rainbow poked me again, then finally turned her attention back to me. “You been chowing down more than usual? Got a bit of a pudge thing going on.”

I scowled and flicked one of my wings out, catching Rainbow on the nose. “Did you just call me fat? Low blow, Dash.” I craned my neck around to get a good look at my stomach. Much to my annoyance, my stomach did look a bit bigger than I remembered it being. Not by a lot, but enough that I noticed now that I was checking it. “Well, I guess I have been eating more of Fluttershy's home-cooked meals lately...”

Rainbow grinned and slapped me on the back. “See, that's why having too many fillyfriends is bad for your health. All those treats go right to your flank until you've gotten a Derpy-sized bubble butt that destroys everything it touches.”

I gave my rump a quick once over, just to make sure it was as perfectly proportioned as ever. It was, which was a relief. “I've got a ways to go yet on that front. And as far as complaining about butts go, you’re in no position to talk. What with your tiny, muscley little thunder-butt that’s far too small to have any real fun with.”

Rainbow frowned at me. “Thunder-butt?”

“Well, it has thunderbolts on it.” I helpfully pointed out her cutie-mark.

Rainbow rolled her eyes and gently swatted my hoof away from her rump. “I'd whap you for talking about and staring at my butt again, but you kinda just proved my point. I'm all muscle. You're letting yourself go.” She paused a moment, then added, “I mean, beyond barfing all over the place.”

I did my best not to let her teasing get to me, but I’ll admit I was a bit annoyed over it. Not annoyed at Rainbow for teasing me so much as annoyed at myself for not noticing that my gut had started growing. “I'll schedule some more practice sessions with Storm to burn this extra bit of flab off.”

Having my cousin in Ponyville was a nice change of pace—with most of my family still in Canterlot, I’d always felt a bit cut off from the rest of the clan. Sure, Canterlot’s not that far away, but there’s a big difference between seeing your family every day and having them a train ride away, even if it’s a relatively short ride.

Thankfully, once Twilight had hit princess-dom the powers that be had decided that she needed a bodyguard, and Storm was the mare for the job—which was nice for me, since it meant I got to spend more time with my cousin, and I’d become her unofficial sparring partner. Though that particular honor still came with a few downsides. “I still can't believe I let my little cousin get better than me...”

Rainbow snorted out a laugh. “I can. I mean, I am Storm’s hero and all, so it’s not a surprise she turned out awesome. I mean, imagine what she would’ve been like if she only had you to look up to.” She grinned and gave me the shadow of a wink.

Considering the fact that Storm had admired her cool older cousin back when she was a cute little filly, Rainbow’s latest attempt at a joke bugged me a bit. “Yeah, yeah, whatever.” I opted for a quick change of subject before I got too grouchy with her. “So what's the word on the work schedule for today? I think that one thunderstorm up in the northeast sector is the only complicated thing, and that’s only a small cell.”

“Yeah, kid stuff,” Rainbow confirmed. “You're gonna be covering midtown today. They need a light shower for some of the gardens. Lily, Rose, and Daisy have been bugging me all week about how their flowers need watering. From the way they’ve been carrying on, you’d think that Equestria would be doomed or something if their plants didn’t get any rain.”

The three of them could be a touch melodramatic. Though that quality had led to one really fun foursome I still looked back fondly on. Granted, foursomes aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. More often than not it’s just a pair of twosomes with a couple bits of crossover fun (not to mention a lot of limbs getting tangled up on one bed). Still, that one worked out pretty well.

Now was no time to get lost in the past, though. “So, make it rain. Sounds pretty simple. That it?” I frowned and lightly poked Rainbow in the chest. “You're not sticking me with some baby job just because Blossom told you I was sick, are you?”

Rainbow’s hooves shuffled, and for a moment she couldn’t meet my eyes. “What? No, come on Cloud. You're being ridiculous.” Then she made one of the classic Dash mistakes and oversold the lie. “That’s, like, the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard, and you’ve said a lot of ridiculous stuff. S'practically your middle name. Cloud Ridiculous Kicker.”

Unfortunately, pushing Rainbow when you catch her in a lie almost never works. Usually she’ll just double down on it and stick to her story no matter how ridiculous that might be, so I opted for a different way of handling it. “Okay. Fine. If you’re not sticking me with a chump job, then put me on managing that storm. I’ve never met a storm I couldn’t handle.”

Rainbow hesitated, her eyes flicking around the room. “I ... yeah, I guess you could do that, but I was just thinking that since you were barfing and you’re kinda fat and stuff that maybe...”

“Maybe what?” I growled, starting to lose my patience with her. “C’mon, Rainbow, I’ve never let you down in the past, and I’m not about to start now. Is there some reason you don’t think I’m up to taking care of this job? I thought you trusted me.” I put on a false pity show, flattening my ears and letting my tail droop. Dash was a sucker for the kicked dog act.

Rainbow flinched back, hissing in a breath and flicking her eyes around in the room as if searching for a way out. “No! Geeze, it’s not like that, Cloud. I know you can totally handle that, and of course I trust you. In fact, I trust you so much that I’ve got this really special project, and you’re the only one I can count on to get it done right! It’s... er ... cloud writing! Right up your alley! We need you, to uh, write this...” She reached behind herself and grabbed a sheet of paper off her desk. “Yeah, here we go. I need you to write this. In the sky. Y’know—with the clouds!” She awkwardly thrust the paper towards me.

I quickly looked it over, and my frown deepened. “You want me to write Sasaflash's expense report in the sky?”

“Gyah, wrong one!” Rainbow snatched the paper out of my hooves and replaced it with another. “Twi’s always telling me I need to do more organizing. Maybe the egghead’s right about this one, if I’m giving you the wrong papers and stuff. Silly me.”

Rainbow’s second try wasn’t any better than her first, but it was infinitely more amusing. “You want me to write this? That’s gonna be a little hard, because there’s not even any text on it. It's just a picture of you in a Wonderbolt outfit with a Daring Do helmet on. That looks like it was drawn by the Crusaders after they broke into Big Mac’s secret cider stash.”

Rainbow’s cheeks immediately turned bright red. “S-shuddup!” She snatched the picture out of my hooves, grumbling under her breath about how I just didn’t appreciate the awesomeness of her drawing skills.

I temporarily set aside the job issue, mostly because I couldn’t resist when Rainbow was making such a clear target of herself. “Aww, you drew that? That’s so cute! Rainbow wants to be a cool exploring performer, just like her heroes!”

Rainbow grumbled several distinctly unfriendly things about me and got busy tidying up her office, mostly so she would have an excuse to not look at me anymore. As long as I was looking at her back, I couldn’t see those cherry-red cheeks of hers.

Of course, that just encouraged me to push her even more. I can never resist an easy target. “Such a cutesy-wootsy little Dashy-poo...”

Rainbow whirled around, though the furious glare she delivered lost most of its impact due to her flaming cheeks. “Gyah! Knock it off! There're still ponies nearby! If you keep talking like that somepony’s gonna hear you!”

I answered her glare with a teasing smirk. “Can I get that storm duty?”

Rainbow hesitated. “Well...”

That wouldn’t do. I took a deep breath, then spoke as loudly as I could without shouting. “Hey, everypony! Go get your cameras and hurry over here! You have to come take pictures of Rainbow while she's being really adorable and blushy!”

“What?!” Rainbow yelped, her blush intensifying even further.

I grinned and met her eyes. “Oh, did you not hear that? I better repeat it again, but louder. And maybe outside, where the acoustics are better. Unless there’s a storm you really need me to take care of right now...”

“Alright alright!” Rainbow threw up her hooves with an exasperated groan. “Fine! Go stick your plot in a thundercloud, see if I care! I hope it zaps you so hard your butt ends up as red as those monkeys with the really red butts! And then I’ll laugh and take pictures and not even worry about you a little bit!”

I answered her surrender with a smile and friendly pat on the back. “Thanks, boss. I’ll get right on that.”

As I trotted out of her office, I heard Rainbow groaning and slamming her head against her desk.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t the last I saw of Rainbow Dash that day. Not that I would normally mind hanging out with Rainbow, but today she was in full worrywart mode. I take back everything I ever said about how Fluttershy can be a little overbearing when she feels the need to nurture; she has nothing on Rainbow. Especially since Fluttershy is at least honest and direct about her concerns, while Dash...

“Hey, Kicker.” Rainbow flapped over to my side for the third time in the last hour. “Just, y’know, passing by and stuff. Thought I’d check in, see how work’s going.”

“The same as it was the last five times you were here,” I said with as much civility as I could force between my teeth.

“Cool.” Rainbow smiled and gave me a pat on the back. “I knew you’d take care of it. But if you want a break or something, I’m right here. Sit down, relax a bit, have some water, and I’ll handle those lightning clouds over there.”

“I’ve got it handled, Rainbow.”

“‘Course you do,” she assured me with a too-wide grin. “I’m just helping out a bit, ‘cause I’m awesome like that. Sure, generosity’s more Rarity’s thing, but there’s no reason I can’t try it out for a bit too. Go take a nap or get some lunch, and this’ll all be taken care of by the time you get back. In fact, just take the rest of the day off. You earned it.”

I clamped down on the urge to throttle my well-meaning boss, and politely but firmly told her to get the feather out of my way and let me run my damned team. She did.

For about fifteen minutes.

After an entire day of being micromanaged by Rainbow Dash, I was on the verge of exploding. And not the good kind of exploding, like that one night when Blossom and Fluttershy got really into featherplay. Thankfully, I had dinner at Derpy’s to look forward to.

I pounded on Derpy’s front door as if it had done me some grievous personal wrong. Considering it was Derpy’s front door, I didn’t need to worry about hitting it too hard. Her house is built pretty sturdy, simply to survive ... well, her. Anything that hadn’t been sturdy had long ago lost the war of attrition.

The door flew open, and light-purple blur shot out and attached itself to my chest, doing its best to crush my ribs with sheer adorableness. “Hi Cloud Kicker!”

I grinned and returned the hug. After this much time I was pretty much used to the obligatory Dinky-glomp whenever I walked in the front door. “Hey, little muffin. How you doing?”

“Really good!” she chirped, giving my ribs a squeeze that would’ve made Pinkie Pie proud. “Even better now, since you're here!”

“Oh yeah?” I ruffled her mane and gently removed her from my chest. “It sounds like you’ve been looking forward to seeing me.”

Dinky grinned up at me. “I always look forward to seeing you, silly.” She turned her head and called back into the house. “Mommy! Sparky! Cloud Kicker's here!”

I fixed Dinky’s ruffled mane, then grinned as she scampered off towards the kitchen. A moment later Derpy called out, “Come on in, Cloud! I'll be right there.”

I trotted on in, taking a look around the place. I was a little surprised that I didn’t smell anything burning, and there was no smoke coming out of the kitchen. Derpy’s cooking has always been a little prone to mishaps. Well, not so much her cooking as her ... everything. “Did you get take-out tonight? Pizza actually sounds pretty good.”

I headed on into the dining room to find Derpy setting the table with some of her cheap but nigh-indestructible plates. She smiled when she saw me. “Sorry, no pizza tonight. Sparkler had something special she wanted to try.”

Sparkler waved to me from the stove, where several utensils were suspended by her magic over a large pot. “Hey, Momma. I'll come over for hugs in a minute—just busy slaving away over a hot stove to feed my family right now.”

“Gotcha. No rush.” I helped Derpy finish setting up the table. “Whatcha making anyway? Smells different from the usual fare in Doo central.”

“Yeah, I figured the lack of muffin-baking smells gave that away.” Sparkler turned away from the stove to shoot a quick grin at me. “Grandma and Grandpa just finished up another one of their big buying trips, and they sent us a few souvenirs. I’m curious to see what this breadfruit stuff tastes like, especially with the date-and-plum sauce I’m working on.”

“Huh.” I glanced over at a certain wall-eyed muffin-lover. “I thought Derpy had some very clear rules about cooking meals that don’t include muffins.”

“It was more like a strongly worded suggestion than an ironclad rule.” She looked towards the kitchen and sighed dramatically. “Not a muffin to be seen anywhere. I tried so hard to raise my daughter right...”

Dinky giggled as she clambered up into my lap to obtain her obligatory share of snuggles. “It's okay, Mommy—I made some for dessert.”

Derpy grinned at her daughter and I gave her a quick pat on the head. “Nice to know you’ve got us covered, Dinky.”

I’ve never been all that adventurous as far as culinary delights. Well, unless you count mixing food in with banging, which has all kinds of fun possibilities. But when it came to food for eating, I liked to stick with what I knew. Nothing’s worse than spending a couple hours working on some brand new meal you’ve never made before only to have an inedible mess at the end of all that hard work.

However, I was cautiously optimistic about Sparkler’s cooking. Or I at least, I wasn’t going to give it up as a lost cause before I’d actually tried some. I found an open seat cushion and plopped myself into it, sitting back and relaxing. “Oh, I've been looking forward to this. Especially with what a pain in the flank Rainbow was all day.”

Derpy set out some glasses and filled mine up with water, glancing my way with a curious little frown. “Everything going alright with you two?” Despite the casual tone of the question, I caught a hint of serious concern underlying her question. Ever since that one really nasty fight Dash and I had back when we were kids, Derpy’s always been a bit nervous when she hears we’re not getting along.

I gave Dinky a quick hug, then eased Derpy’s fears. “Don’t worry, it’s nothing serious and we’re both getting along just fine. It’s just Blossom told her I had a bit of morning sickness, and that got Dash into her mother hen mode. I had to spend all day dealing with Dash hovering over me and doing that whole 'I'm too cool to admit I care, but I'm worried about you' thing. When she happens to be ‘just passing by’ every five minutes...”

Derpy’s ears perked up, while Sparkler dropped one of her utensils into the pot, staring at me in shock. “You had what now?!”

“Oh no!” Dinky exclaimed. “That's almost as bad as Monday sickness!” She focused her hugging on my stomach, as if hugging it hard enough would keep me from ever having another problem with it.

I realized what I’d just said and hastily corrected it before anypony got the wrong idea. “Just ... y'know, I was a little sick this morning. I got over it, and I was fine later on. It was probably just something I ate last night.”

“Or somepony,” Sparkler snarked from the kitchen. Derpy immediately hit Sparkler with the best glare of maternal disapproval she could manage with her wall-eyes, then shot a pointed look back at Dinky. Sparkler answered her mother’s displeasure with a chuckle and a sheepish little wave. “Sorry. Couldn't resist.” A moment later she suffered her karmic retribution, groaning loudly and smacking the side of her head. “Darn it, brain! I don’t need those kinds of mental images while I’m working on dinner!”

Thankfully, Dinky remained oblivious to what her older sister had meant, and instead reached the only logical conclusion for a filly her age. “I gotta get outta here! Cloud's a zombie cannabis pony who’s gonna gobble me up!” She hopped off my lap and scrambled away, giggling madly the entire time.

I suppose I should’ve chased after her to keep the game going for a bit, but to be honest I was a bit too tired from work. The work itself hadn’t been so bad, but dealing with Rainbow’s constant hovering and worrying had worn me down. Derpy noticed I didn’t have my usual level of pep and trotted over to my side, looking me over. “You just started feeling sick this morning? We can reschedule if you're not feeling one hundred percent.” She shot me a lopsided grin. “The last thing I need is you bringing some bug in here and turning this into a plague house.”

I rolled my eyes and waved her concerns away. “I'm fine—really. I don’t know why everypony’s making such a fuss. It’s not a big deal.” I thought it over for a moment, then added, “I think I even know what went wrong. There was this one really old potato I used in last night's dinner. The thing had reached the point where the eyes were sprouting so much I was halfway tempted to plant it instead of eating it.”

Derpy kept her eyes on me for a while longer—and she was using both eyes, so I knew she was pretty worried—before she finally let the matter drop. “If you're sure...”

“Yeah, I'm fine. Really.” I downed the rest of my water, then groaned and leaned back in my chair. “I already had Rainbow and Blossom fussing over me, and Shadow knows Eepy's going to once she finds out. It’d be nice if somepony actually believed me when I said that everything’s okay and they don’t need to worry.”

Derpy snorted out a laugh. “Point. All right, then.” She grinned at me. “Though it’s really your fault for dating Fluttershy and being best friends with Equestria’s biggest mother-hen-in-denial.”

I chuckled and conceded the point. “I really know how to pick ‘em.”

Conversation came to a brief halt as the rather tempting smells of Sparkler’s work in the kitchen wafted into the room. A moment later we heard Dinky’s strident voice echoing out of the kitchen. “You're doin' it wrong again, Sparky! You gotta cook it until it’s black on the bottom, the way Mommy does!”

Sparkler trotted in, levitating along several plates as Dinky followed behind, insistently tugging on one of her hindlegs. Spark sighed, extricated her leg from her little sister’s hold, then looked over her shoulder at the filly. “Dinks, we’ve been over this before. It doesn't have to be slightly charred to be properly cooked.”

Dinky stubbornly set her hooves and grabbed her sister’s leg again, trying to drag her back into the kitchen to finish the job properly. “Yeah, but ya gotta make sure it's cooked better so Cloud doesn't get barfy again. ‘Cause that’d be really gross, and I heard that sometimes when one pony gets barfy it makes other ponies get barfy, and if that happened then we might all get barfy, and that’d be so messy!”

I couldn’t help laughing at Sparkler’s plight as her little sister continued her struggle to make her burn the food. Still, I figured she needed a rescue, especially since the food might get cold if Dinky slowed her down too much. “I'll be fine, you guys. Really, there's no need to make a fuss.”

“‘Kay.” Dinky released her sister’s leg, and Sparkler got to work serving up dinner. I still wasn’t sure about this breadfruit stuff, but the food certainly smelled good. Dinky trotted back to my side and unleashed the cute filly eyes. “But is it a'kay if I still hug you anyway?”

I repeated her earlier sentiment back to her, trying not to let too much of my melting heart into my voice. “It’s always okay, silly.”

Dinky promptly acted on that, and Sparkler joined in on it once she was done dishing out the food. Hug-time didn’t last too long though; everypony was eager to chow down. I have to say, fried breadfruit in plum and date sauce was surprisingly good. A bit sweet and weird tasting, but I think the weirdness was mostly due to it just being stuff I wasn’t used to eating—anything new is gonna be a bit weird at first. Just like how most of my kinks were an acquired taste.

I pointedly moved my brain away from that subject and over to something a bit more family-friendly. “So Sparkler, how goes the college search?”

Sparkler finished off her slice of fried breadfruit before answering. “S’going pretty good so far. I've knocked on wood and applied for the college-level classes at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, but Star's still wanting me to try for West Hoof too. Plus a couple of the lower-down colleges, just to make sure I’ve got a backup plan.”

Well, she was certainly aiming high. “If you want my opinion, I am a bit biased towards West Hoof. It's a really good school.”

Sparkler rolled her eyes while slicing up more of her breadfruit. “You, biased? I never would've guessed.”

“Well I did get my degree there.” Sure, I’d missed the actual graduation ceremony due to the whole panic attack thing, but you technically don’t have to show up at the ceremony. As long as you finish all the required coursework, you’ve got your diploma.

“Yeah, yeah...” Sparkler speared another piece of breadfruit with her fork. “I kinda like the idea of it, but by the same token ... Celestia's School. I know s'a long shot, but I'd have to flip a coin if I actually got it.”

“Yeah, everypony always says it's the best school there is for unicorns who wanna focus on their magic.” Granted, most of what I knew about said school came from talking to Twilight, and she tended to be a bit ... enthusiastic about her education. Anypony who’s good enough to graduate from college a couple years early and then stay in school anyway to earn more degrees is gonna have a bit of a unique perspective on the education system. Even after she got good enough at magic to turn herself into a princess, she was still taking a couple correspondence courses in her spare time.

I decided to get an opinion from somepony who was a bit more down to earth than our local Princess of the Library. “Hey, Dinky. Where do you think Sparkler should go?”

Dinky’s face screwed up in fillyish ponderance. “I dunno. Miss Twilight really liked goin' to Celestia's School, an' she's taught me an' Sparky both a lotta stuff—but Star's really cool too, an' she really liked West Hoof. But either way she’d be in Canterlot, so she wouldn’t be here anymore.” She crossed her forelegs over her chest, pouting. “And since Star lives over there, they’d both be getting all gross and cootiefaced with each other.”

“And any exposure to cooties is terrible,” I swiftly agreed, trying to bury my snigger under a faux-serious tone. Sure, I was a huge fan of activities that most kids would consider cootie-ish, but let she who has never been a raging hypocrite for the sake of harmless teasing cast the first stone. However, I moved on to a different track, smirking at Sparkler. “Let’s look at the practical results of all that education, shall we? Now, when Twilight got dragged into the middle of that prank war between Star and Storm, I think we all remember how it ended.”

Dinky displayed the sort of bratty grin that only appears when a little sister sees a chance to mess with their old sibling. Sparkler knew the warning signs and tried to cut her off before she could get started. “Dinks, if the next word out of your mouth is 'Hey!' or 'Listen', I’m gonna noogie you until you're bald. N'then I'll noogie you some more.”

Derpy hid a laugh behind her hoof, then joined in the fun. “Hey, be nice to your sister, Sparkler.”

“Listen to your mother,” I chimed in.

Sparkler glowered at both of us, though the effect was rather spoiled by the tremble that passed across her shoulders. “Okay, I give. All m’saying is that while Miss Twilight did kinda outclass us at pranks once she really got going. She's an alicorn. S’not exactly a fair contest, and considering what we were up against, I think Star and I did pretty good.”

“You did alright.” I make a policy of not getting in the middle of the eternal low-level sibling warfare between Star and Storm. I love both my cousins, but getting in the middle of their weird sibling rivalry was just asking for trouble. However, I saw no harm in giving Sparkler’s ego a bit of a break. “And from what Storm told me, Twilight had some outside assistance, just like how Rainbow was being the prank consultant for you two.”

Sparkler’s expression darkened. “She got help? Oh, that little—”

Derpy cut in before Sparkler could build up any momentum and/or possible profanity on her rant. “I think you should choose based off of what you want to do in life, sweetie. Both schools are great, but each one will set you on a different path.”

“She's right about that,” I quickly chimed in. I knew enough about teenagers to realize that if she felt she’d been wronged we’d spend the rest of the night listening to her rant. “A West Hoof education does kinda put you on the fast track for the Guard. Especially if you take that deal where you don't have to pay tuition, but have to serve in the Guard for a while to make up for it.” Which would be the smart thing to do since Sparkler’s grades were fine but not good enough for big scholarships. Derpy wouldn’t have an easy time paying for college out of pocket on a mailmare’s salary either. That cut Sparkler’s options down to student loans or Guard service.

“Yeah, not ending up with a couple decades' worth of student loans would be nice,” she agreed. “Star laid out how that whole deal works pretty clearly. It's...” She sat back and ate a piece of breadfruit while she thought it over. “I dunno. The Mage Corps sounds like it has a lot to offer, and West Hoof does sound like it'd be great, but Celestia's School is kinduva unique opportunity. And we’ll find a way to pay for it if push comes to shove.”

“Yeah, I imagine you will.” Derpy’s parents were pretty well-off financially, so she could always go to the bank of Mom and Dad if things got too tight. Not to mention that Derpy was a good enough friend that I wouldn’t mind chipping in a few spare bits to help her out, and I was pretty sure Rainbow would do the same. Sparkler would still probably end up with a big chunk of student loans, but plenty of ponies deal with those. “And Celestia’s school keeps your post-college options open. You can always enter the Mage Corps from there if you still want to go that way. I mean, there'd be some extra lessons after you got your degree, but...”

“What kinda extra lessons?” she asked, her ears perking up. “'Help the civilian not die' stuff, or just PT and whatnot?”

I shrugged helplessly. “I dunno exactly what it is, I never did any mage training.” I tapped my forehead. “In case you didn’t notice, I’m rather lacking a horn. But I think it's mostly stuff to make sure you know military rules, how to work with Guard units, making sure all your combat magic is up to snuff—things like that.”

Sparkler frowned in thought, rubbing her chin. “I guess I'll have to see if I get accepted, then.”

I nodded along, feeling a bit more sure of my advice now. “Yeah, if you wanna know what I think, I’d say that Celestia's School is the better pick unless you're sure about going into the Guard. You don't wanna end up like me, with a degree in military science isn't good for many jobs outside of the military.” Especially when I couldn’t claim any veteran benefits to back that up.

Sparkler thought it over while she finished off the last of her breadfruit. “When you put it that way, I guess the only other thing is being able to defend myself in the field if push comes to shove. I don't wanna wait to be rescued again.” She frowned, then grabbed a glass of milk and quickly downed it. “Though I could probably find some non-magical self-defense stuff easy enough, right?”

“Yeah, easily,” I agreed. “I’d be surprised if the School for Gifted Unicorns doesn’t include some classes on combat magic. The Mage Corps does plenty of recruiting out of there. You should ask Twilight exactly what classes they offer, since she actually went there and everything. And I'm sure Star could teach you a few tricks.”

Sparkler grinned across the table at me. “She's been doing that off and on pretty much since we hooked up. After the whole changeling thing, really.”

“Figures she would be.” The changeling attack on Canterlot had been something of a wakeup call for a lot of ponies. But I really didn’t want to focus on that whole mess right now, so instead I grinned over at Derpy. “So what do you think of your daughter learning to become a certified flank-kicker?”

Derpy frowned and thought it over for several seconds before answering. “Well, it's good exercise, and I know Star's careful about how she teaches her.”

That was a very carefully neutral answer, so I probed a bit deeper. “So you're okay with her becoming a guardpony?”

“Well...” Derpy hesitated poking at her food for a while. “It’s really her decision what she wants to do with her life. I’ll love and support her no matter what she picks. If she wants to go into the Mage Corps, I’ll do everything I can to make sure she has the best training and education available.” She sighed and finished off another slice of breadfruit, chewing and swallowing it very slowly. When she spoke again, her voice had dropped down a barely audible whisper. “It’s just ... I can’t help but think about what happened to Cirrus.”

My ears went flat against my skull. Derpy’s brother was in the Guard, and he’d gotten badly hurt during the changeling invasion. He’d pulled through, but the doctors hadn’t been able to save one of his wings. I could barely even imagine how that must have torn up Derpy, and the thought of something like that happening to her daughter...

Sparkler grunted, waving her mother’s concerns away. “I know, I know. S'another thing that's been in the back of my mind. S’just ... well, that’s part of the job, right? Sometimes ponies get hurt. But imagine how bad it’d be if nopony was there to protect everypony the next time the monsters show up? I don’t wanna be stuck waiting behind the lines while somepony else goes out and risks life ‘n’ limb just to keep me safe. Again.”

“Sparkler, can we not talk about this right now?” Derpy’s tone was just a little sharp—not enough to say that she was angry, but definitely tense. I had a feeling that Sparkler’s plans on going into the Guard had come up before, and the talk hadn’t gone all that well.

My presence probably wasn’t helping either. I mean, it’s a pretty safe bet that if not for me becoming a part of her family’s life, Sparkler wouldn’t be nearly so interested in the military. The kid did look up to me, strange as that was, and I’d gone to West Hoof. Not to mention she never would’ve hooked up with my cousin Star if not for me. I’m not saying it was all my fault or anything—Derpy was right when she said that this was ultimately Sparkler’s choice—but I couldn’t deny that I’d played a part in making the idea seem more attractive.

I frowned down at my plate, not sure what to make of that. I mean, it’s one thing to know that a kid looks up to you, but it’s something else when you know they’re making major life-changing decisions based on your influence. I’m really not the kind of adult kids should look up to.

I decided that a quick change in topics of conversation would be the best way to get my mind off that particularly uncomfortable subject. “So ... um ... how's school, Dinky?”

Dinky’s ears perked up and she enthusiastically grinned over at me. “It’s been really good! We had a career day, an' the firepony who came in knew my name!”

Sparkler snorted out a laugh, while Derpy chuckled sheepishly and rubbed the back of her head. “Oh, he did? Well, I guess Hotshot has been by a few times...”

“Yeah!” Dinky agreed, quite oblivious to her mother’s embarrassment over the fact that she was on a first-name basis with the fire department. “He told us about his job an' stuff, but I kinda already knew a lot of what he was talkin' about.”

“You do have a lot of first-hoof experience,” I agreed. Life with Derpy involves accepting that crazy, improbable accidents are just going to happen sometimes, and all you can do is try to contain the fallout.

“Yeah-huh!” Dinky nodded enthusiastically. “He said I might get a firefighting cutie mark one day, and I think that’d be really neat!”

“Had he heard about the Firenado?” How Derpy managed to set a tornado on fire, I’ll never know. Twilight tried to research it once, but when I asked her about it she started twitching and muttering something about how her notes on that were sitting next to the Pinkie Pie ones. I wasn’t sure, but I suspect that meant she’d destroyed them in order to preserve the collective sanity of all ponykind.

Some things are not meant to be known.

“Oh yeah, he heard all about the Firenado!” Dinky chirped happily. Her smile faded a moment later, though. “He didn't think it was all that cool, though. I dunno why.”

Derpy groaned and slammed her forehead on the table. Or rather, her plate, splattering herself with breadfruit and plum sauce. “One time. One time! You set one tornado on fire and have it rampage through Ponyville, and you're branded for life.”

Sparkler sighed and passed her mother some napkins. “Hey, if I can pull off something half as amazing as that when I'm done with college, I'll be happy.”

I helped Derpy out a little with the cleanup. “I have to admit, it was pretty cool once we got it away from everypony’s houses.” Fun as it was to tease her, I figured it might be time to give Derpy a bit of a break and focus on something a bit more positive for her. “Hey, how's work at the post office treating you anyway?”

“Pretty well!” she announced with a grin. “Tool Time's visiting his brother's family out in Appleoosa soon, and he’s asked me to keep an eye on things while he's gone.” Her smile widened. “If it all goes well, I might get an assistant manager job. I love working there, but I really wouldn’t mind being off the beat.”

“Go Mom!” Sparkler cheered.

“Yay, Mommy!” Dinky joined in.

Derpy actually blushed just a tiny bit at her daughters’ praise. “Now now, let’s not count our chickens before they’re hatched. There were way too many ifs and maybes in that last sentence for us to start throwing a party just yet.”

“Better tell Pinkie Pie to wheel the party cannon back to Sugarcube Corner, then.” I’d been joking, but a moment later I could swear I saw Pinkie slinking away from the window and back over to the bakery. Maybe I was just imagining it, but I wouldn’t be shocked to learn that Pinkie actually did lurk outside ponies’ homes, waiting to hear about potential parties.

Trying to understand the ways of the Pinkie only ended in madness. Besides, Derpy was still waiting to hear what I thought about her big news. “For what my opinion’s worth, I think you'd make a good manager. I mean, you managed to raise two crazy kids—how bad could a post office be compared to that? So congrats on the promotion.”

“Exactly!” Sparkler chimed in, giving her little sister a hug. “If you can handle a pair of brats like us, you can take on anything.”

“Hey! Sparky!” Dinky wriggled out of her big sister’s grasp and scrambled over to me. “I'm notta brat!” She looked up at me and unleashed the biggest, most adorable set of sad puppy eyes I’d ever seen on a filly. “Am I?”

I’ve always been a sucker for a cute kid, and Dinky has cuteness down to an artform. “No, you're not a brat, Dinky.” I ruffled her mane. “Sparkler's just counts as two brats because she’s so extra-bratty.”

Dinky grinned, took a deep breath, and launched into song:
“Ooooooooh
She’s a brat, she’s a brat—she’s a big ol’ brat!
She’s a brat, she’s a brat—well how ‘bout that?
She’s a brat, she’s a brat—an’ she wears a hat.
She’s a brraaaaaaaat---…. Um…... somethin’ that rhymes with ‘brat’!”

Sparkler rolled her eyes and stole a slice of breadfruit off of Dinky’s plate. “Regular DJ P0N3, you are.” She waited until Dinky noted the theft, then slowly and deliberately ate her stolen food while her little sister watched.

“Girls.” The barest hint of displeasure entered Derpy’s voice, and she used her unique eyes to give them both her disappointed mom look at the same time. “Behave.”

“Yes, Mom,” they chimed out in near-perfect unison.

I chuckled and gave up one of my own pieces of breadfruit to fill Dinky’s plate back up. “Still running the house with an iron hoof, I see.”

“Luna knows somepony has to be in charge,” she agreed with a grin. “One thing I always liked about having you foalsit over Rainbow or Cirrus; the kids may have more fun with Rainbow, but that’s because she lets them stay up late, eat too many sweets, and never bugs them about making sure their homework’s done.”

“Sounds like her.” Since Rainbow had hated all those rules back when she was a kid, she’d never been all that firm about enforcing them when she was in charge. That’s not to say she let them run completely wild or anything, but she was a long way from an iron-hoofed disciplinarian.

I tended to be a lot stricter on the rules. Probably because that’s how I was raised—they do always say you learn most of how to be a parent from your own parents. My mother was big on absolute enforcement of the rules. Do as you’re told the instant you’re told to do it, or else there’ll be tartarus to pay. Not that she was ever cruel about it, just ... stern. She expected the best out of me, and wasn’t shy about letting me know that almost perfect was just another way of saying not good enough.

I loved her, and I still miss her, but she wouldn’t have won any Mother-of-the-Year awards.

“Hey.” Derpy reached over and gave me a pat on the shoulder. “How about I show you how it's done if you ever get around to having some of your own?”

I chuckled and gently waved her hoof away. “Thanks for the offer Derpy, but that won't be happening anytime soon.”

Sparkler leveled an accusing hoof at me. “Oh, I see how it is now, Momma. You just wanna come over and see me, then hoof over all the 'responsibility' stuff to Mom. You're worse than Rainbow; at least she’s honest about only being here for the fun parts.”

I had to defend my own honor after that remark. “That’s not how it is, Sparky. I do some of the responsibility stuff, but Derpy’s got the final say.”

The smartflanked teen waved her concession. “Okay, fine, you do alright. Homework gets done, sugar is withheld, and bedtimes are enforced with a reasonable margin of error. That’s probably why Dinky and I like Rainbow more.”

I immediately turned to her mother. “Derpy, your daughter’s being a brat. Can I spank her?”

“No, Cloud.” She smirked over at Sparkler. “If she got a spanking every time she was a little smartflank, she wouldn’t have any flanks left to be smart with.”

“And that would be awful,” I agreed. “Just awful.” I quickly set my hooves over Dinky’s ears to preserve what innocence she had left. “I know Star would be devastated. And all those talks I had with her about safe sex would’ve wound up being a complete waste.”

Derpy treated me to a dose of her maternal glower. “Cloud. Time and a place. This is not the time, nor is it the place.”

I pointedly looked down at Dinky’s ears, still covered with my hooves. She was starting to squirm impatiently, but she wasn’t to the point of trying to remove my hold yet. “Hey, I took precautions. Innocent ears were covered.”

Derpy’s frown deepened. “There are topics for dinner and topics for after dinner, Cloud. This one is one of the latter.”

“Fine, fine...” I didn’t think I’d crossed any lines, but Derpy’s house and Derpy’s kids meant it was Derpy’s rules. “My bad, then.”

Derpy closed her eyes, then took a couple deep breaths. “It's alright. It's still an important subject to talk about, and one that’s a bit easier for you to handle instead of me. Thank you.”

I uncovered Dinky’s ears, allowing her to rejoin the conversation. “Anytime.”

Now that Dinky could hear again, she wasted no time chattering out the first thing on her mind. “So when's Alula gonna come back to Ponyville? I gotta sleepover all planned an' stuff. We’ll have muffins and cookies and cupcakes and read stories and—”

If I didn’t answer her question, she’d keep going on about all the things she wanted to do with Alula for the rest of the evening. When Dinky starts chattering, she can keep on going for hours at a time. “Probably not too long. I'll ask Dad.”

“Yay! Thanks!” Dinky latched onto me again and tossed in a kiss on the cheek for good measure. “You’re the best, Cloud!”

Derpy grinned, taken in by her daughter’s sheer enthusiasm. “I love having Alula over, so that won’t be a problem. I don’t even mind that she and Dinky always seem to bring out the worst in each other.”

I had to say something in Alula’s defense. “Oh come on, the two of them at their worst only add up to about half of a Cutie Mark Crusader.” I’ve never known three little fillies with such a raw talent for causing accidental chaos. I’m a little surprised they hadn’t gotten any cutie marks in that. “Dinky and Alula just do more ... well, kids will be kids kinda stuff, like late-night raids on the cookie jar.”

“And then trying to find a way to pin the blame for said cookie jar raids on me,” Sparkler chimed in, playfully scowling at Dinky, who did her level best to look sweet and innocent.

“Oh yes, they’re a hoofful alright.” Derpy smiled and shook her head, gazing lovingly at both her daughters. “Any plans to find out about kids firsthoof, Cloud? I know Fluttershy would love being a mother, and I’m sure Blossom would love to have a family of her own.”

I chuckled and waved her question away. “What, me have kids?” I thought that over for a moment and shivered. “Oh, not for a long, long, long time yet.”

I woke up next morning to the sound of somepony bustling about in my kitchen. Since I hadn’t had anypony over last night that should’ve worried me, but for some reason it didn’t. Once I had a few seconds to wake up, I recognized those soft, quiet hoofsteps and the barely audible clank of dishes as she worked. Only Fluttershy can be that quiet in the kitchen.

I quickly freshened up to make myself semi-presentable, then trotted into the kitchen. “Morning, Eepy. How you doing?”

Fluttershy looked up from my stove and beamed at me. She was using my ‘Kiss the Cook’ kitchen apron, so I decided to follow orders and do exactly that. It was nice. “Good morning to you too, Cloud. I heard you weren’t feeling well, so I decided to come check on you”

“Aww, that’s sweet.” I nuzzled her. “But you really didn’t have to. I’m fine now.”

“Oh.” She glanced over at my kitchen table, which was already loaded down with a bunch of breakfast-making supplies. “Well, since I’m already here, how about if I make you something? I already have some toast going in case you're still feeling nauseous—or we could do eggs and toast for a little protein, or eggs and toast and haybacon if you want the full meal. Oh! Or eggs, toast, haybacon, and some hash browns. Or Phrench toast if you want something a little sweeter. Or crepes! I can do regular crepes, or strawberry-banana if you want some fruit with it, or chocolate sauce and powdered sugar. Ooh, or chocolate chip pancakes, I know Alula loves those when she's over. Or—”

“Eepy.” I gently put my hooves on her shoulders. “You really don’t have to go all that trouble. I told you, I’m fi—”

And that’s when my stomach decided to do a couple backflips. Before I even realized what was happening or had time to pull away, I was emptying out what was left of last night’s dinner all over my sweet, caring fillyfriend. Eepy went rigid, her back and wings covered (for the second time in her life) with somepony else’s sick; the soft, downy feathers and velvety fur, results of weekly spa pamperings, would need a thorough scrubbing before she’d be so much as passably clean, and she’d probably have to rinse her feathers half a dozen times before she’d be brave enough to preen them.

That thought went right to my gut, and everything that hadn’t gone onto her back the first time came up to join it.

My jaw hung open in shock, a few bits of upchuck dribbling out of my lips as I struggled to think of something, anything I could possibly say to even begin to apologize for this. I was so stunned that Fluttershy beat me to it. “I’m sorry!” she squeaked out. “I shouldn’t have talked about all that food when your stomach was still feeling sensitive.”

I carefully patted Eepy on the back, and tried to tell her not to change when my stomach clenched a third time.

Shadow’s teats, feeling like this sucked. I hoped I got over it fast.

Author's Note

Welcome to the much-requested sequel to The Life and Times of a Winning Pony. As always, thanks to the many awesome member of my pre-reading team for smoothing out the wrinkles in this chapter and catching my numerous spelling and grammatical flubs.

Also, I would like to thank all my dedicated Patreon supporters. You guys are awesome.

Click here if you want to join the list of awesome people who support my writing.

621chopsuey
The Accidental Brony
Benjamin McLaren
Brayden
Christoper A Cope
Combine
Comma-Kazie
Cyanhide
Deep Cover
Dixie Daley
djthomp
Donraj
Ebony Gryphon
Emlyn Costilow
FallenAngelXy
MoistGooDragon
Ponibius
Quinn Shyrock
Steven Ilten
Waritah
Zennyth

Also, to help get the word out, there's a new Winningverse Group writing event going on from now to September 1, 2015. Click here for details.

Family Matters

My stomach had thankfully quieted down again once it was empty. That didn’t do the slightest thing to calm Fluttershy, though. Once she got over the shock of being barfed upon, she went into full-on nurturing mode. Naturally, I had no choice about taking a sick day from work, and Eepy gently but firmly shoved me into bed and got to work on a new breakfast that should sit easier in my stomach: toast with some sugar-free jam, a bowl of oatmeal, and some plain yogurt.

I missed haybacon and pancakes. Sure, my stomach might not care for it, but at least it actually tasted good. Okay, the yogurt and toast were fine, but I’ve just never been a fan of oatmeal. It was too reminiscent of the Guard-issue gruel I had to eat for years at West Hoof. Not to mention oatmeal has always struck me as looking a bit like somepony barfed in my breakfast bowl, and that was not a mental image I needed.

However, Fluttershy watched me eat with that small, hopeful little smile on her face, so I had no choice about finishing off all the food on my plate regardless of my opinion on the taste and composition of my meal. Once I swallowed the last spoonful of oatmeal, she smiled and gave me a quick peck on the lips. “There you go. Are you feeling any better now?”

“Yeah, I’m great.” I stretched out with all six limbs. “Certainly a lot better than I was a couple hours ago.” Whatever variant of the flu I had, it seemed to hit hard in the mornings before going a lot easier on me for the rest of the day.

“Good.” She took my plate before I could put it in the sink myself, and when I tried to get out of bed she gently held me in place. “Now you relax. I’ll take care of anything you need done. Would you like some juice? Or a fresh pillow? Or how about—” Whatever she was going to offer next was cut off by somepony knocking on my door. “Oh. Let me go see who that is. Don’t worry, I’ll be right back.”

While I knew I was probably doomed to several days of unceasing care and love, I still desperately hoped that whoever was at my front door would be able to save me. Knowing my luck, though, it would be Rainbow Dash and I would end up stuck between Fluttershy’s gentle yet relentless nurturing and Rainbow’s grouchy saying-she-doesn’t-care nurturing.

However, the pony who entered my bedroom had a watermelon mane instead of a rainbow one. “Hey, Fluttershy.” Blossom gave her co-fillyfriend a quick nuzzle as she stepped in. “Is Cloud here? She didn’t show up for work today and Rainbow’s looking for her.”

“She is,” Fluttershy confirmed. “I hope Rainbow isn’t too upset, but Cloud wasn't feeling very well this morning and she’s going to spend the rest of the day in bed resting.”

“She throw up again?” Blossom didn’t seem at all surprised when Fluttershy confirmed that I had. “Figured that was probably what it was when she didn't come in. Rainbow said I could take the day off if she needs somepony to help out.” She trotted over to my bedside and kissed my cheek. “Hey, Cloud. I’m sure Fluttershy’s taking good care of you, but is there anything I can do to help you feel better?”

“I'm fine now,” I assured both of them. “Really, I am. My stomach seems to have settled down after I emptied it out, and I’m holding down my second breakfast just fine. I’ll take a day off to relax, but you two don’t have to spend all day playing nursemaid.” I thought that over for moment and amended, “Though if you two do wanna stick around, I do have very nice nurse and maid outfits in my closet.”

Blossom raised a single eyebrow at my remark. “So, you want the two of us to play sexy dress-up for you?”

I nodded sagely. “I think I read something about how a whole lot of recovering from illness is psychological. You two dressing up would be good for my morale, and being in good spirits would help me get better a lot faster. So really, it’s medically sound.”

She rolled her eyes at that remark. “Yeah, I’m sure that’s why you want us to parade around your house in skimpy outfits, and not just because you’re a gigantic pervert.”

I grinned shamelessly and stroked one of her wings. “I prefer to think of it as multitasking.”

Blossom smirked and poked me in the chest. “Well you must be recovering if you’re well enough to be a shameless flirt again. Just to be safe, though, you should stay in bed for a few more days.” She put a hoof over my lips to cut off my next remark. “By yourself, before you start getting any ideas. You always say sex is one of the best forms of exercise in the world, but right now you need rest, not exercise.”

Curses, foiled by my own pick-up lines. Though I was cautiously optimistic about my chances at wearing down Blossom’s resolve.

Fluttershy checked my temperature for the twentieth time in the last hour or so. “Maybe we should take you by the doctor’s office too, just to be safe. They could make sure it’s nothing serious, and they’d probably know exactly how to make you feel better.” She smiled sheepishly at me. “Sorry, but I know more about upset stomachs in kitties than I do with ponies. I’m pretty sure you haven’t been swallowing too much hair while cleaning yourself with your tongue.”

Well, I had eaten a few hairy things in my time, but that hadn’t happened recently. Besides, there were more important things to focus on. “A doctor? Seriously? I feel fine!” Normally I wouldn’t have minded checking in with a medic to make sure all was well, but right now I just didn’t want to go to all that trouble. Everypony was making too much of a fuss about this as it was, and visiting a doctor would just make it twenty times worse.

“We don’t need to drag her to the hospital if she doesn’t want to go,” Blossom agreed. I was just about to thank her when she continued. “I'm sure we could get Redheart to make a house call. She does those sometimes, and Cloud needs her rest if she's still throwing up.”

Eepy’s ears wilted. “Of course, I should have thought of that. It is an awful long walk to get to the hospital—maybe somepony has a cart we can borrow?” She turned to me with an apologetic smile. I’m sorry Cloud, I didn’t mean to I didn’t mean to push you into walking all the way to the hospital when you needed to rest. I was just concerned and wanted to help you to get better.”

Ack, instant guilt trip. I swear, Fluttershy has a second special talent for making ponies feel just awful whenever they disagree with her. Between that and the nurturing instincts, she’s pretty much got the whole motherhood package down already. “I know. I appreciate how much you two care, okay?” I nuzzled her and Blossom both, and threw in a quick kiss for good measure.

“We know.” Blossom ran her hoof through my mane. “Maybe I’m being a worrywart, but I think you’re sicker than you want to admit. One session of morning barf could just be an anomaly, but doing it twice sounds like a trend to me.” She paused for a moment, then grinned and playfully poked me in the chest. “I don’t suppose you’re pregnant, are you?”

I snorted out a laugh. “Good one, Blossom.” Everyone knows that the first rule of being a playpony is to always use protection. I might not be playing the field as much as I once was, but I still kept things safe. “I told you, I’ve just got a flu of some sort. No big deal, there’s probably just some bug going around.”

Fluttershy’s smile radiated gentle understanding. “Okay then. If you really want to avoid a doctor visit, we’ll see if you feel better after a couple days of bedrest. But I want you to promise me that you’ll go to get checked out if you get sick again.” I opened my mouth to object to that caveat, but her eyes narrowed and voice became surprisingly firm. “No excuses, Cloud. If you keep getting sick for several days in a row, that might mean there’s something wrong with your stomach. I don’t want anything happening to you.”

Blossom put a reassuring hoof on Eepy’s shoulder. “Relax. It’s not that bad. Cloud’s not in the habit of dodging doctors when she needs help. If it’s just some new version of the flu that’s passing through town, then it’s nothing we haven't dealt with before. And Rainbow was understanding enough to give Cloud the rest of the week off, so she’ll have plenty of time to get better.”

“I get a week off? Nice.” With any luck, I could beat this bug in a day or two and then enjoy the rest of my free time. Hang out in the park, read a book, have a threesome with Blossom and Eepy, see about finding anyone they’d be okay with adding somepony to make it a four-or-more-some, the usual stuff.

Blossom nodded along, unaware of the wickedly sexy ideas already percolating in my brain. “Rainbow knows you need the rest. After all, you came into work yesterday when she told you it was fine to take the day off. And she tweaked the work schedules around so she could check in on you whenever I’m busy.”

Oh. Great. That really cut into my odds of being able to goof off with my sick days. Though it would almost be worth having Rainbow walk in on me mid-orgy just to see the look on her face. For all her tough talk, Rainbow flusters real easily when confronted with the practical realities of sex. Her incoherent sputtering and massive blushing would make for great teasing fodder. On the other hoof, I could find plenty of ways to tease Dash without making it look like I was taking advantage of her generosity with my sick days. After all, she’d probably figure that if I was well enough to bang, I was healthy enough to work too.

Fluttershy rearranged my bedsheets, tucking me in. “I know spending all day resting in bed doesn't make you happy, but sometimes we just have to do what we need to do to stay healthy. The sooner we take care of this, the sooner you’ll be healthy again.” She kissed my forehead. “If you try to pretend you’re not sick now, you could just make things worse and need an even longer time to recover.”

“Exactly,” Blossom agreed, smiling at Eepy. “So you just relax and let the two of us take care of you. It looks like Fluttershy’s got the food side of it covered.” She paused, looking around the room for ideas. “I can change the sheets when Cloud takes a shower.”

“Gee, I might need some help to take a shower.” I unleashed my best bedroom eyes on the both of them. “Maybe somepony to help wash my back. Or two someponies.”

Unfortunately, prolonged exposure to my Cloud Kicker Charm seemed to have rendered Blossom and Eepy immune to it. “Now, Cloud,” Fluttershy began patiently, “you know you need to rest.” She turned back to Blossom. “I think changing Cloud’s sheets would be really nice of you, Blossomforth. I can help make lunch and dinner between helping my animals. Maybe we could also do a little spring cleaning while we’re both here.”

I sighed and resigned myself to being under their care for the foreseeable future. If they really wanted to nurture me, it didn’t look like I would be able to stop them. “Thanks, guys. Really, this is great.” A bit suffocating, but still great. I mean, I knew they meant well and all, even if I did think they were taking it a bit too far.

Blossom grinned and booped me on the nose. “Hey, we just want to take care of you because we love your sexy, perverted little plot.” She turned back to Fluttershy. “Sounds like we’ve got it all worked out then. Would you mind writing up a list of anything we need? I'll go stock up on necessities while you’re here to keep an eye on Cloud. Might stop by Redheart’s too; if Cloud’s right and this is just some minor bug that’s going around town, she might know something that could help us out.”

And that was when a particularly sneaky idea popped into my head. Obviously I had no chance of escaping the Blossom/Fluttershy tag team, but if I could keep the two of them split up for a while... “How about I write that list up for you, Blossom? I mean, I know what I’ve already got and what I’ll need better than either of you would.”

Blossom thought that over for a moment, then shrugged. “Yeah, sure. If there’s anything Fluttershy needs, she can just add it to the list once you’re done.” She retrieved a pen and some paper for me, and I quickly got to work filling that list up with whatever I could think of that would keep her running around town all day. I felt a bit bad for doing that, but sending her off on errands was better than just telling her, ‘You two are overdoing it with the loving care, and I’m going to go stir crazy if I’m stuck in bed for several days.’

Blossom frowned down at the list once I’d hoofed it over. “Uh ... you want fresh blueberries and raspberries? Those are gonna be a bit hard to find at this time of year. And you want me to take your costumes in for dry-cleaning too?”

“Yeah.” I grinned at her. “Berries always help settle my stomach, and if I'm gonna be stuck in bed all week, you two are gonna be getting some mileage out of that sexy nurse outfit. Might as well make sure it’s fresh.”

Fluttershy blushed faintly as Blossom trotted over to my closet and pulled out the nurse outfit; it was one of her personal favorites. Despite her pink cheeks, Fluttershy was smiling. “Oh. Yes, we should make sure it’s clean after last time.” Mentioning that just made her blush intensify. “Um, I can get help take care of some of those errands if you want help, Blossom. It would go faster if I took care of the cleaning while you found the berries. I’d rather not have to bargain with all the ponies in the market.”

I leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek. “That sounds like a great idea, Eepy.” Though I probably needed to buy a bit more time. “I could use some new pillows and bedsheets too. I’ve been meaning to buy new ones for a while, so might as well handle it now. I need two pillows, one that’s soft, but not too soft, and another one that’s firmer. Plus new sheets. Silk, of course. And something that’s a nice shade of lavender, but not too close to the color of my coat.”

Fluttershy smiled and returned the favor by kissing me. “Don’t worry, Cloud, we’ll take care of everything you need. You just stay here and focus on getting better. We’ll be back before you even know we’re gone.” She paused, tapping her chin thoughtfully and glancing out the window. “Would you like some company while we’re gone? I’m sure I could get Angel Bunny to—”

“No no, I’ll be fine.” Even if that dang rabbit was in a good mood, he’d rat me out to Fluttershy in a heartbeat. If he was feeling like causing trouble ... well, I suppose I could always see how Storm felt about trying some rabbit stew. I could probably get most of Eepy’s friends to help me hide the evidence.

“Yeah, we shouldn’t be gone that long.” Blossom agreed, much to my relief. She shared my opinions on that grievously misnamed rabbit. “Cloud’s list is a bit long, but I don’t think she’ll explode if we leave her on her own for half an hour.”

“Oh. Right.” Eepy smiled sheepishly at me, then trotted over to Blossom to get a look at my list. “Oh my. Some of these items are ... interesting.”

I leaned forward in bed and snuck a quick kiss. “Well I am gonna be in bed All Day Long. With you two here. Even if I can’t do anything too vigorous, I’m sure we can find some ways to enjoy ourselves. I’ll just have to get creative.”

Fluttershy’s cheeks turned pink enough to match her mane, and her wings slowly spread open. “Oh. That sounds ... nice.”

Blossom rolled her eyes and gently rubbed my belly. “Well, you can't be that sick if your libido is still in overdrive.” She gave me a quick kiss goodbye, then put a wing over Fluttershy. “Though I suppose the two of us could always have some fun while you watch. I don’t think Cloud would wear herself out too much as a passive observer.”

“Um...” Fluttershy pressed her side against Blossom, but her eyes stayed on me. “I don’t think Cloud would be able to just sit back and watch like that.”

Blossom shook her head, then grinned at me. “You’re probably right about that. So I guess that means Cloud will just have to spend a couple days in bed actually resting, with nothing sexual happening at all. Can you do that, Cloud?”

“Yeah, sure thing.” I was lying, of course. We all knew that. I was just hoping that Blossom and Eepy figured I was lying about the wrong thing.

Once I was reasonably certain that Blossom and Fluttershy were gone and wouldn’t be back anytime soon, I snuck out of my own house and started carefully making my way to the Golden Oaks Royal Library. The ‘royal’ technically wasn’t part of the name, but I’d taken to calling it that ever since Twilight had grown wings and become a princess. I mean, when it’s a princess’s residence, it ought to be a royal something.

I’d been spending a fair amount of time around the library ever since Twilight hit princesshood. While I was on reasonably good terms with our resident royalty, I was mostly interested in her new bodyguard. It was nice to have some family around, and Storm and I did have a sparring match scheduled for this afternoon. I just had to hope that word hadn’t reached them about my supposed illness.

Thankfully it looked like I’d outrun the gossip train for once. Storm and Twilight were standing out in front of the library with two sets of practice gear, patiently waiting there for me. I was a little surprised to see that we also had an audience. “Hey, Twilight. Decided to watch the show?”

My cousin frowned faintly at that. “Princess Twilight.” Ever since she’d taken over as Twilight’s bodyguard, Storm had been waging a one-mare war to make the world treat Twilight with the same amount of respect and deference that they would use with Princess Celestia.

Of course, her biggest enemy in that eternal battle was the princess herself. “She doesn't have to call me princess, Storm. She's a good friend.” Twilight smiled and waved. “Hey, Cloud Kicker. How are you?”

I smiled and waved right back. “Pretty good. Just here to let my cousin beat me up for a while.”

“Your performance is improving,” Storm countered dryly. “Last time you nearly managed to land a hit on me, and one of our spars took a full thirty seconds to end.”

“That is something that you need a lot of practice to get better at,” Twilight declared as if she were in middle of a lecture hall. She’s a nice mare, but she’s always liked trying to teach ponies things, and I think princesshood kinda kicked that impulse into overdrive. “At least that's what my big brother always says, and what all the manuals and books I've read agree.”

Storm nodded along with her princess. “As the saying goes, if you do not use it, you lose it.”

“Yeah. I used to be way better,” I quickly agreed. “Hay, I taught Storm a lot of what she knows back when she was still a filly. Now she can kick my plot without even really trying.” I gave my cousin a slap on the back. “The little baby’s all grown up.” And a head taller than me, too. When did Storm get that tall, anyway?

Twilight grinned and teasingly poked me in the ribs. “You let soft civilian living dull your edge? Well that won’t do.”

“Which is why she wants to practice with me,” Storm concluded with a faint smile. “And while her skills are somewhat rusty, she is still a talented fighter.”

“You’re just better,” I threw in. Though in my own defense, Storm was pretty top tier. I mean, she medaled in fencing during the Equestria Games. No surprise, considering all the lessons she’d gotten from my mother, the two-time gold medalist. I’m sure Mom would’ve been proud of Storm’s performance.

No, I wasn’t bitter at all.

Twilight levitated some padding and a pair of dulled practice wing blades over to me. “Don’t worry, Cloud, I'm sure with time you'll be back in top form.”

“That's the theory, at least.” I started gearing myself up, and shot a grin at the princess. “So why are you here, anyway? Want to learn a few practical lessons in sparring, or are you just eager to watch two attractive mares get all hot and sweaty with each other?”

Storm frowned disapprovingly at me. “Her Highness does not have such prurient interests, Cloud. She is a princess.”

I was tempted to argue that point; I’d seen no evidence to back up the idea that wings completely kill a pony’s sex drive. Princess Cadance got married, so it’s pretty safe to say that alicorns still like all the things us lesser ponies do. However, this probably wasn’t the time or place to have that discussion.

Twilight seemed to have reached the same conclusion, pointedly clearing her throat to forestall any budding argument. “For your information, I'm here on an academic venture to see what martial exercises are like. I’ve been in a lot of combat situations even before I became a princess, and I don’t see that stopping now that I have royal duties to attend to.” She giggled nervously. “I mean, when Celestia and Luna vanished during that incident where the Everfree Forest went crazy, I was technically the acting Commander-in-Chief of the Equestrian armed forces. I need to know about military things if I might be in charge of the military again.”

That all made sense, but was way less fun than my explanation. Until I found evidence to the contrary, I was going to assume that Twilight was still going to be checking us out while we sparred. No reason a princess can’t multitask. “So basically you're watching to learn more about how real fights work?”

“Right,” she confirmed. She tossed a quick look her bodyguard’s way. “Also, Storm wants me to learn how to fight. Go figure, she thinks it might be easier to guard me if I can do my fair share to protect myself.” She paused, frowning thoughtfully. “And I guess she has a point after we ran into that one golem that I couldn’t use any magic on.”

“She's not wrong about that.” Even alicorn magic has some limits on what it can accomplish. Cold iron can mess up any spellcaster, and I vaguely recall one or two creatures from my old monster recognition classes that were just flat-out immune to magic. Guard unicorns and magi are trained in hoof-to-hoof combat for a reason.

Not that I would let a few inconvenient facts get in the way of teasing my cousin. “Though I have always wondered why princesses need guards for anything beyond ceremony. I mean, with alicorn magic and a little creativity, they should be able to take care of themselves just fine.”

One of Twilight’s ears flicked, and her tone became quite snippy. “I’ll have you know that Storm has been really helpful to me. Not even counting the time she saved me from a rogue golem, she's been giving me flying lessons whenever Rainbow is too busy and takes care of a lot of the little day-to-day things that I can’t leave to Spike.” She trotted over to my cousin and pointedly put a wing over her shoulders, which took a little doing with how tall Storm was. “And more important than any of that, she’s my friend.”

“Whoa!” I threw up my hooves in surrender. I certainly hadn’t expected her to react that strongly to what I’d intended as a little harmless teasing. “Easy, Princess! I didn't mean it like that. I was just poking a little harmless fun at Storm. I know she’s great, she was my little cousin a long time before she was your bodyguard.”

Storm put a restraining hoof on her princess’s chest, and Twilight closed her eyes and took a few deep, calming breaths. Once she’d settled down a bit she smiled at me and blushed, awkwardly shuffling her hooves. “Sorry about that, it was a bit of a reflex. A lot of ponies in town have been a bit touchy about me having my own bodyguards. They’re worried about what effect it will have on Ponyville if there’s a small Guard unit here. Not to mention issues like where all my guards would stay—I can’t fit all of them in the library.”

Twilight did only have the one guest bed, and Storm had been using that ever since she moved in. Or at least, that’s what the official story was. I would have to remember to tease them about that later. With how prim and proper Storm had been ever since becoming Twilight’s bodyguard, I was sure to get a good reaction out of her. “Ah, so you’ve been having trouble from the good old ‘new things frighten and disturb me’ contingent?”

Twilight grumbled under her breath and shot a glare towards Town Hall. “Yes, I think I would have an easier time pulling teeth than convincing some of the local ponies that this isn't going to be a negative change. At least some of the local business leaders like Filthy Rich are in favor of bringing in more potential customers, and the local construction firms are already debating who will get the contract to build a barracks for my guardponies, in addition to possibly creating ... other facilities.”

That pause before she said those last two words sounded significant. I wonder what exactly she had in mind. There were all kinds of support facilities you could attach to a guard unit. “Other facilities, huh? Sounds nice and cryptic, while very intriguing. You're really getting the hang of this princess thing. Just toss in some remarks about destiny and harmony and friendship, and you’ll be set.”

“Oh, haha, Cloud.” Twilight rolled her eyes and slapped me in the chest with a wing. “I've just been learning the fine art of politicking. Sometimes that means being very careful about your language and what you say and when so that you don't create a massive panic in town. The last thing I need is to have half the town show up at the library demanding answers or protesting my latest decision. Pitchforks and torches optional.”

“Relax, that’s not going to happen.” I slowly brushed against her side. “They’d only do that if you spent a week down in your basement laboratory, then started cackling madly about how your experiment finally succeeded and that now they’ll all be sorry they ever doubted you. You know half the town is just waiting for you to go mad scientist on us.”

“Oh, right, my crazy experiments.” Twilight’s tone reminded me why one of my nicknames for her was Twilight Snarkle. “Why, just the other day I finished creating a portal into this really weird alternate dimension where everypony walked around on two hooves and had these weird skinny tentacle-like things attached to their hooves that they used to pick things up instead of magic. Not to mention those weird alternate versions of everypony I knew.”

“Which is why we destroyed that portal and agreed to never speak of it again,” Storm finished dryly before turning a disapproving frown upon me. “Regardless, you could treat the princess with a touch more deference, Cloud. She is royalty.”

Twilight shot a faintly disapproving frown my cousin’s way. “Now now, we're all friends here, Storm. And this is just a nice get together, not some big official event with all the bells and whistles. There’s no need to insist on formality when we’re in an inherently informal setting.”

Storm stubbornly set her hooves. “With all due respect, Highness, if you always allow ponies to treat you informally, then they will not respect your royal authority when the time comes to wield it.”

“West Hoof Command 101,” I agreed with a nod. “Familiarity breeds contempt.” I trotted over to Twilight’s side and put a wing over her. “But I think there’s a difference between leading soldiers and being a princess—and to be honest, I never really bought that whole line of thinking anyway. Besides, I can’t really see Twilight being an iron-hoofed ruler demanding that everypony respect her authority or else. If that’s how she was going to do things, she would’ve taken over Ponyville by now.”

“Perhaps Princess Twilight should do so,” Storm countered. “The current mayor is adequate, but I think the town would do better under royal leadership. And a princess should rule over more than a library.”

“I don’t think Twilight’s really the ruling type of princess, Storm.” I met my cousin’s gaze levelly, but shot a quick apologetic smile Twilight’s way. “No offense, Twilight, but you’re too nice and friendly to go around throwing your royal authority in everypony’s face to get them to do what you want.”

Storm said nothing more on the matter, but I could see her thoughts quite plainly on her face. She agreed with me that Twilight was too friendly to order ponies around—the difference was that Storm saw that as a problem.

Twilight slipped out from under my wing to place herself between the two of us before we could go from a friendly discussion to an argument. “Since I’ve been here the whole time, how about I say a few things about how I plan to be a princess?” The two of us fell silent, feeling slightly chastened by her remark. “Cloud’s right that I don’t plan on being the kind of princess who rules over ponies. But I understand that Storm’s just trying to help me and has my best interests at heart. There’s nothing wrong with taking her duty or my rank seriously.” She paused and shifted on her hooves. “To be honest, there are still a lot of times when I forget that I’m a princess, and don’t think about how much of a difference that makes. I mean, it’s not like I have any real princessly role or any royal duties to perform. Half the time I just sit around the library or hang out with my friends the same way I used to, except with wings now.”

She trotted over to Storm and nuzzled her, much to my cousin’s embarrassment. Storm tried to hide it behind her stiff formal manners, but I could definitely see a faint blush on her cheeks. “It's been great having you around, Storm. I know you’ll probably say something about how you’re supposed to be my subordinate instead of my friend, but I still think you’ve been a wonderful friend to me.”

Storm was lucky she had a dark blue coat, since it made it much harder to notice when she was blushing. “Thank you very much, Highness. You are too kind.”

Twilight waved her answer away. “Oh, you don't need to thank me. You earned it.” She smiled fondly at my cousin “When I first became a princess I couldn’t imagine having a guardpony following me around everywhere. I’m kinda surprised how quickly I got used to having you around, even if we are working on a lot of the details.”

“It’s always an adjustment moving in with somepony,” I agreed. That rather uncomfortably reminded me of the fact that Blossom had recently floated the idea of moving in with me. And I certainly didn’t want to linger on that particular dilemma, so instead I decided to tease them. “I imagine it’s an especially big deal for you two. I mean, the whole bodyguard/princess thing is a very ... intimate relationship.”

That got a blush out of the princess, though she did her best to ignore what I was implying. “Yes, I suppose we don’t have very many secrets from one another. It’s inevitable when we spend so much time together—I mean, ever since she became my bodyguard she’s insisted on spending at least eight hours a day with me, not to mention she’s using my guest bed until we get some proper Guard quarters set up.” Something which I couldn’t help but notice neither of them seemed to be in any particular hurry to do. “I want us to be comfortable around one another,” Twilight continued. “It would be awkward to spend that much time together if we weren’t.”

“Makes sense,” I agreed, giving them both a moment to relax before delivering my next strike. “Not to mention how weird it would be to deal with stuff like seeing each other naked if you weren’t comfortable around one another.”

“W-what?!” Twilight sputtered, caught off guard by my remark. “That hardly has a bearing on anything! I'm almost always naked. I’m naked right now!”

I smirked and rather pointedly looked her over. “Kinky.”

Twilight groaned loudly and facehoofed. “ I would’ve thought that after you settled down with two different ponies you’d be a bit less ... you.”

I shrugged. “If I was less me, then who the hay would I be?” I chuckled. “Probably some stiff boring guardpony who doesn’t have as much lovable charm as I do. Like Storm.“

Storm seemed less than amused by my wit. “If you are quite done bothering the princess, Cloud, shall we get to the practice?”

I grinned over at Twilight. “I think Storm wants to kick my plot to defend your honor now.”

Twilight answered my smile with one of her own. “Well, I wouldn't want to stop her from doing that.” She winked at her guard captain. “Maybe I should give Storm my favor, the way ladies did to knights back in the old days.”

Storm turned to the princess and bowed formally “I would be honored to accept it.”

I couldn’t resist an opening like that. “Yes, Storm. You must carry your lady love's favor into honorable battle. For honor.”

My cousin answered me with a most unamused glower. “I am going to enjoy hitting you far more than I should, cousin.”

Twilight pulled a hoofkerchief out of her saddlebag and passed it to Storm. Then she struck a pose and spoke melodramatically enough to displace Rarity as the town’s local drama queen. “Oh my brave and loyal Captain Storm Kicker, please defend my honor against this rapacious barbarian Cloud Kicker, whose lewd comments so offend my refined princessly sensibilities.” She leaned forward and stage-whispered to my cousin. “Though really, feel free to get her. She’s kinda asking for it.”

Storm struck an equally ridiculous pose that probably came out of one of those operas she seemed so fond of. “Nothing would honor me more than the honor of defending your honor honorably, Highness. For honor.”

Twilight nodded along. “Of course, my wonderful and honorable captain. I am sure all my honor is safe in your honorable care. The honor that you do me honors my honor.”

With the two of them abusing that word into the ground, I just had to say something. “If you two keep that up, I'm going to start assuming that ‘honor’ is a euphemism for sex, and that you two are honoring each other on a very regular basis.”

The princess frowned at me, then turned to Storm. “Captain? Kick her plot.”

“Gladly, Highness.” Storm executed a quick half-bow to her princess, then turned to face me.

Storm closed in on me, aggressively testing my defenses. Normally she moved a bit more slowly and cautiously, giving me some time to warm up before she really got started. Of course, this time around I’d clearly gotten under her skin with some of my teasing, not to mention she probably wanted to put on a good show for her audience. “Don’t worry, Stormy, I won’t make you look too bad in front of your lady lo—”

The flat of a wing blade smacking the side of my head cut off the rest of that taunt. Ow. Lesson learned: spend less time poking fun at Storm and more time defending myself.

Unfortunately, that was easier said than done. Storm was very motivated to kick my plot, which was a real problem when she was also a much better fighter than I was. I spent most of the spar backpedaling and blocking, using every single trick I could think of just to keep from taking too many hits. Despite that, she would’ve killed me a dozen times over if we’d been fighting with real wing blades instead of practice ones.

However, there was a downside to her aggressive offensive: she might be roundly kicking my plot, but she also wasn’t minding her own defenses as much as she should. There was a definite flaw in her style, an opening that I could slip an attack through if I blocked her attacks a certain way and timed it just right. I won’t deny that knocking my cousin onto her ass sounded very appealing after all the sparring matches I’d lost to her. Doing it in front of Twilight was just icing on the cake.

I made my move, using my left wing to tie up both of Storm’s blades with a single high block that left them both out of position for any attack. Then my right blade darted in for her unprotected chest.

Or at least, that was the plan. Before my blade struck, she spun her entire body to the left, dodging my strike and disengaging both of her blades from my trap. Moments later, both her blades crashed down on my back, driving me to the ground.

That defeat particularly irked me, and it took a while for me to figure out exactly why, beyond the fact that I’d had a near-victory stolen away from me. “Hey! That was one of my Mom's moves!” A move I’d spent a long, long time trying to learn, but had never managed.

Twilight looked up from the detailed notes she’d been taking ever since the sparring match had started. Of course she was taking notes. “Is there something wrong with that?”

Yeah, it really stung my pride. “There's gotta be a rule against beating me with my mother's maneuvers. That’s just cold.”

Storm shrugged my objections away. “Your mother taught both of us. Of course I learned some of her signature skills. I am sure you did as well.”

Yes, but not as well as Storm had, apparently.

Twilight set her notes aside and pulled a dueling rulebook out of her saddlebag. At this point, I wasn’t even surprised that she’d stocked up on books about the topic—I was just surprised she hadn’t memorized the books yet. She flipped through the pages for a while, then shook her head. “Nope, I'm not seeing anything about that here. As long as it’s a legal move Storm can use it, no matter who taught it to her.”

I groaned and picked myself up off the ground, stretching my legs. “Alright then, there’s only one solution for this. I need to make my own rulebook.”

“Hmm. Speaking of your mother...” Twilight dug into her saddlebag again and pulled out a thin tome with my mother’s cutie mark on it. “Storm loaned me your mother’s diary recently, and it’s just full of useful information. I’ve never seen some of the things she talks about in any of the other combat manuals!”

“What?” I stared in shock at the book in Twilight’s hooves. “Why does Storm have my mother’s diary?”

My cousin turned to me, her face stoically blank. “Aunt Nimbus gave it to me when I graduated from West Hoof. She said that it might help me through the early days of my first command.” She nodded to Twilight. “And as Her Highness said, there is also a great deal of information about wing blade combat. I am sure your mother’s wisdom aided me in my performance during the Equestria Games.”

Right. I’m sure it did. I just wanted to know why the feather my cousin was the one who got Mom’s book instead of—you know, one of her actual children. Like me.

Twilight seemed to have figured out that the diary was a point of tension, and quickly stepped forward and presented it to me. “It really is a great read. It tells you all about how to fight and how to do certain moves. It even comes with step-by-step drawings to help somepony learn. It's not the same as seeing them in action, but it's still informative, I think.” She tossed a hopeful look my cousin’s way, then added, “And I’m sure Storm would be happy to let you borrow it, wouldn’t you, Storm?”

I didn’t give my cousin a chance to answer. If Mom wanted to give my cousin her big personal book of how to be awesome at wing blade combat, I certainly wasn’t going to argue with her from beyond the grave. “No need for that. She was my mother after all, I already know everything she had to say.”

So my mother left one of her most personal possessions to my cousin instead of giving it to me? In fact, she’d never even so much as mentioned that book to me. Fine. I didn’t care at all. And I definitely wasn’t angry about it. It’s not like it mattered to me. I mean, it’s not like her snubbing me was anything new.

I dusted myself off and tried to salvage as much dignity as I could after my quite thorough defeat. “I’m just glad this spar at least let Twilight learn something useful from watching my cousin beat me like a red-maned stepchild.”

The alicorn frowned uncertainly at me, but let the matter drop. “Oh yes, thanks for letting me watch you two. This has been very enlightening. There are some things you just can’t learn purely by reading about them.”

Storm saluted me, then bowed to her princess. “It was our pleasure, Highness.”

“Yeah, sure, pleasure.” I groaned and stretched, rubbing at all the place where I’d taken hits from Storm. Even with all the padding we both wore for safety, I was still feeling pretty sore. “I hope I don't bruise.”

My cousin frowned faintly. “I was careful to measure my blows, Cloud. If I struck too hard, then I apologize.” Her eyes dropped to the ground.

“I’m fine, Storm.” With how stiff and formal she tended to be around Twilight, I sometimes forgot that deep down she was still my kid cousin. A part of me still really missed the days when I was her hero.

Twilight stepped up and looked me over. “I know a couple basic healing spells that should be able to help with that. I’ve just been waiting for a chance to practice them.”

I quickly hopped back from the princess. “In other words, you want to use me as a guinea pig for some new spell you haven’t fully mastered yet? No offense, but I think I’ll pass on that.” Not that I doubted Twilight Sparkle’s mastery of magic when it came to most things, but I’d never seen her try any healing spells and I wasn’t exactly eager to be patient zero. I’ve heard a few horror stories about what happens when a healing spell goes wrong. Besides, I had a much better solution in mind. “How about instead of trying out some weird new spell on me, you just kiss all my bruises better?”

Twilight rolled her eyes and ignored my joke, but she hadn’t been my main target anyway. That distinction went to my cousin, and I could practically hear her teeth grinding. I did feel a renewed sense of kinship with Star—while I normally tried to stay neutral in the eternal low-level sibling warfare between the two of them, sometimes it really was too much fun to wind Storm up. Since I was having so much fun, I lifted up one of my forelegs, keeping it limp to feign an injury. “I’m pretty sure I read somewhere that princess kisses are supposed to have magical healing powers. Or was it sex with a princess? We should probably try both, just to make sure we get it.”

“Cloud!” Storm snapped, her self-control fraying at the edges. “You are speaking to a member of the royal family!”

“Is she, technically speaking?” I shot a curious look that way. “I know Princess Celestia officially adopted Cadance as her niece, but I don’t recall hearing anything about that happening with you, Twilight. I guess it would make sense to adopt you now that you’re a princess, but maybe she held off on that since you’ve already got a family.” I tapped a hoof thoughtfully on my chin. “Then again, now that you’re a princess I suppose you would just be a member of your own royal family if Celestia hadn’t adopted you. Though that just raises more questions about things like whether your parents count as secondary royalty...”

Twilight eagerly seized upon the academic question. “Actually, I wondered about that myself. I haven’t really had a chance to talk to Celestia about it, though.” Her gaze fell to the ground. “There’s ... a lot of things I haven’t really had a chance to ask her about my princesshood.”

Oooh, looks like that was still a bit of a sensitive topic for her. Though I guess I could understand that, given that so far the only real visible signs of her new status were her wings and the fact that my cousin followed her around like a lost puppy. “Hey.” I stepped forward and gave Twilight a quick kiss on the cheek. “You’ll be fine. Tell you what, let’s get together some time for a nice night on the town.” I shot a faint grin at my cousin. “Or hay, send Storm off on an errand for the evening and we’ll have a nice night at the library. There are a couple spells I’ve heard about that I would just love for us to try out. Or there’s that potion you made for me and the gals the other day.” I teasingly ran a hoof along one of her wings. “You really should get a chance to see how it works first-hoof.”

Storm glared at me when saw me kissing and flirting with her princess. Maybe somepony was just a little jealous. “Cloud, let me make this clear: you are my cousin and I care deeply for you, but you will show my princess the respect due to her office, or we will have a problem.”

I blinked in surprise, then glared right back at her. “I respect the hay out of her, cousin. I just don't see showing affection as disrespectful.” I took a challenging step forward. “And since when was she your princess anyway? I’m pretty sure I don’t see ‘Property of Captain Storm Kicker’ stamped on her plot anywhere, so why don’t you just back the feather off.” I shoved her shoulder with one of my forehooves. “Sure, maybe you can beat me in a spar when you’ve got my mother’s big book of wing blade fighting backing you up, but that’s just because I’ve got a lot nasty moves I wouldn’t use in what’s supposed to be a friendly spar!”

Storm met my mounting fury with a cold, determined glower. “Her Highness is not one of your floozies, and I will not allow you to treat her as such. Whatever you may claim, it is grossly disrespectful to her and her office.”

“‘Floozies’?” I repeated incredulously. “Did you just imply that Blossom and Fluttershy are floozies? You must’ve taken your stupid pills today, because you just crossed the line big time!”

I might have taken a swing at her then and there if not for the magenta shield that sprang up between the two of us. “That’s enough, both of you!” Twilight’s voice rang out authoritatively as she reinforced the barrier between us. Storm, of course, immediately snapped to attention at her princess’s voice. She probably would’ve kept that same parade-ground perfect stance if there hadn’t been any barrier holding me back from pounding on her.

Twilight turned her disapproval on her guard captain first. “Storm, you should know your cousin well enough to realize that she wasn’t trying to insult me. She’s just very friendly and flirtatious by nature. It’s harmless, and sometimes a little flattering.” Her expression hardened further. “And I didn’t care at all for what you had to say about her lifestyle. I’ll remind you that one of her current partners is a very good friend of mine. You always say you’re worried about my prestige and reputation; how do you think it would make me look if the captain of my guard was brawling in the streets of Ponyville?”

Storm’s ears were flat against her skull by the end of Twilight’s short but pointed lecture. She had shrunk lower and lower until she was practically flat on her belly. “My apologies, Highness. I beg your forgiveness—my behavior was inexcusable.”

Twilight walked over to her guard’s side, pressing against her. “I don’t need you to tell me that you were out of line. I can tell that for myself.” My cousin tried to flinch away, but Twilight restrained her with a hoof. “I want you to tell me why you acted like that. Something’s obviously bothering you, and we won’t be able to fix it unless you talk to me.”

Storm sighed and took a deep breath. “It is ... difficult to put it into words, Highness. I would not want your reputation harmed by being seen as ... well ... Cloud does have a reputation of her own. When jokes and rumors about Princess Celestia circulate, they have no impact because she is well known and respected. Your crown is still relatively new.” Storm pointed to Twilight’s head, which notably lacked an actual crown. “You are not well known in many parts of Equestria. If one of Cloud’s jokes were to reach the wrong ears, it could badly tarnish your public image.”

Twilight frowned, but also nodded along with Storm’s words. “Okay, I understand where you’re coming from. But Cloud Kicker is one of my friends. I suppose I don’t want a bunch of silly rumors circulating about me holding orgies in the library or something, but I also don't want it to seem like I’m ashamed of a friend and don’t want to be seen in public with her.”

“Of course not,” Storm readily agreed. “She is my cousin, and a fine mare. I simply wanted to avoid her antics becoming ... excessive. I fear I overreacted in that regard.”

“You think?” I snapped from behind the barrier. I don’t know where my cousin got off lecturing me. It’s not like she was my mother, even if she’d stolen my mother’s diary. I calmed down, took a deep breath, and tried to make a joke out of it. “So, no banging the princess in the middle of park? Darn, there goes my afternoon. I already sold tickets for the First Annual Princess Twilight Sparkle Sextacular Sexcapade and everything. I guess I’ll either need to refund all that money or glue a fake horn to Rainbow’s head, paint her purple, and get her really drunk.”

Twilight snorted out a laugh. “Cloud, I don’t think there’s enough cider in Applejack’s cellar to pull that off. Not to mention all the other objections I would have to that plan. In fact, I’m pretty sure there are laws against doing that.” She chuckled and shook her head, then turned back to my cousin. “Somehow I think Cloud and I will manage to show enough restraint to keep ourselves from acting that indecently in public. She has plenty of friends she doesn’t sleep with, you know.”

“Of course, Highness,” Storm answered dutifully. “I never meant to imply that you would act in such a manner. I simply wanted to point out that even a relatively innocuous public display of friendly affection could lead to unfounded rumors.”

Twilight sighed and ran a hoof over her face. “Right, especially with that town hall meeting coming up. And everything else.” She tossed a look my way. “Which reminds me, Cloud, I was hoping you’d be able to show up and talk to everypony. The meeting is to discuss what everypony can expect with my guards showing up someday. There are a bunch of crazy rumors flying around, and you’re one of the few Ponyville citizens who really knows what it would be like to have a Royal Guard force in town.”

“So you need somepony to reassure them that having a couple dozen guardponies around isn’t going to completely change everything about Ponyville forever,” I concluded. “Yeah, I can handle that. If nothing else, I can reassure all the local farmers that there won’t be a bunch of eager young guardponies chasing after their virgin sons and daughters. After all, I’ve already de-virginized all of them.”

“I rather doubt you were that thorough.” Twilight frowned at me skeptically.

“You can do a comprehensive study on it later, if you want.” Considering how much I’d toned down my swinger-ness since hooking up with Blossom and Fluttershy, it was a pretty safe bet that there were a few ripe new fruits I hadn’t plucked. Besides, even in my wildest days I never slept with every single pony I came across. I had standards.

Granted, sometimes those standards were ‘is not a total jerk or utterly hideous,’ but low standards are still standards.

Twilight rolled her eyes and shook her head. “No thanks, I think I’ve done enough studying of your sex life to last me a long, long time.” She sighed, and her smile slipped away as her attention returned to the purple barrier separating me from my cousin. “Okay, have the two of you settled down now?”

Storm immediately nodded. “I apologize for my behavior. It unbefitting of an officer and a gentlemare. Though my actions were driven by a devotion to my duty, that is no excuse for what I did.”

Twilight and Storm both turned to me expectantly. It took a second to realize what they were waiting for. I suppose I should’ve realized that they would want to do the standard post-fight thing where both sides apologize for losing their cool. Hay, Twilight would probably tell us to shake hooves afterwards.

I sighed, shrugged, and got it over with. “Fine. I guess I was out of line too. Sorry.” Instead of satisfying them, that apology just made both of them frown at me. I guess they’d been hoping for something a bit less ... half-assed. To be honest, I’m not even sure why I was being a bit of bitch to my cousin. I just wasn’t in the mood to give her a good apology.

Twilight glowered and opened her mouth, and I was pretty sure I was about to get a chewing out just like Storm had, but my cousin gently restrained the princess with a hoof on her shoulder. When she spoke, her voice was quiet, almost subdued. “Cloud, have I given you offense in some way? If this is about your mother’s diary, I would be more than happy to—”

“I don’t care about that,” I growled, waving her words away. “It’s just a stupid old book anyway, and she obviously wanted you to have it instead of me. So ... whatever. It doesn’t bother me at all.” Though it probably said something that even after she’s been dead for a couple years, she still found ways to let me know I hadn’t measured up to what she wanted.

And really, who better than Storm to pick? I mean, back when we were planning out my whole Guard career, Mom always said I should spend a few years in the Long Patrol to pick up some field experience, then get a nice prestigious post that would position me to rise up further through the ranks. Lo and behold, Storm had just finished off a four-year tour in the Patrol, and now she’d picked up a Princess of Equestria as a friend and sponsor for the rest of her career.

But I wasn’t bitter. Not at all.

Twilight hugged me, and close proximity to Her Adorkableness knocked me out of my funk after a few seconds. Storm probably would have bristled at some of the thoughts that ran through my mind when those warm, soft, feathery wings wrapped around me and pressed me tight against Twilight’s supple bosom, and I’d probably egg her about it later.

Or else I’d try and find a way to get more Twi-hugs. I’m only equine.

The barrier dropped, and a moment later Storm joined in on the hug. She wasn’t anywhere near as nice to hug as Twilight, especially since being family kinda limited the scope of my enjoyment, but I still appreciated the sentiment.

I gave her a quick pat on the back. “It's cool, Storm. I know you're uptight 'cause you care.” And given just how uptight she was, she obviously cared a lot.

“She really does,” Twilight agreed, breaking the hug and smiling at her guard captain. “It’s one of the things that I really like about her, now that I’ve gotten used to it.”

Storm positively beamed at her princess as she pulled away from me. “Thank you, Highness.” She paused a moment, and then to my utter incredulity asked, “Permission to hug?”

I rolled my eyes and stepped over to Twilight. “You don’t have to ask. Just hug her, you goof.” I gave Twilight another hug, just to demonstrate. I might have copped a feel on one of her wings too, but nopony could blame me if I did. She’s just so ... huggable.

Once I released her, Twilight smiled over at my cousin. “Permission to hug granted, Captain.” Storm immediately followed through on that, though her hug didn’t look nearly as fun as mine had been. Which is a shame, ‘cause I bet Twilight would’ve been fine with Storm getting a lot more touchy than I had.

I decided to give them a little encouragement, and made a passable attempt at imitating my cousin’s voice. “Permission to bend you over the kitchen table and bang you six ways to Sunday until you scream my name, Highness?”

Twilight pulled back from the hug, her cheeks flaming, sputtering indignantly. “I—you—wha—Cloud Kicker!”

I shot a smirk at my cousin. “Now that was inappropriate.”

“Quite.” Despite her best efforts to glare disapprovingly at me, I was sure I saw a hint of an amused smile on Storm’s face.

Twilight groaned and shook her head, but also couldn’t quite wipe the grin off her face. “You're terrible, you know that? Absolutely terrible.”

“It has come up before,” I allowed. “But as we established a long time ago, that's part of my charm.” I grinned and nudged Twi with my hip. “But let’s not linger on how charming I am. You never answered Storm's question. She did ask for permission to bang you.”

“That was you,” Storm grumbled. “Also, my voice does not sound that stiff and formal.”

“Yes it does,” I assured her. “Seriously, girl, use a contraction sometime. You sound like a robot. Or somepony’s butler.” I turned back to Twilight. “And okay, we know Storm didn’t actually say that, but pretend she did. Just for fun.”

Storm frowned at me, shaking her head. “That is impossible. I would never say something like that to Her Highness. It would be wildly inappropriate.”

“Exactly,” Twilight agreed. “You know Storm is too proper for that. It would be like asking how I would react if I saw you wearing a chastity belt.” She gave my shoulder a playful punch.

Ugh. I really didn’t like being reminded of what happened to me when Discord had his little breakout. At least Eepy seemed to have settled him down a bit since then. He was still a harbinger of chaos, but now there was a sense of fun to it instead of him causing problems for everypony.

I grinned and leaned in a bit closer to Twilight, whispering, “So, you like a mare who’s all polite and proper with you? How ironic. The mare you want to have bend you over the kitchen table is far too uptight to ever actually do so. You have no luck, Twilight.”

She scoffed and pulled back, pointedly standing next to Storm. “You’re being ridiculous, Cloud. We would have to have romantic feelings for one another to even do anything like that, and even if we did have those kinds of feelings, I don’t see either of us ever doing something like that because we’re polite, civilized ponies.”

“Not to mention how many regulations I would be breaking,” Storm expanded on Twilight’s point. “And the impact it would have on my career. If I were to become romantically involved with Her Highness it would be highly inappropriate and unprofessional. At best, my career would never advance beyond my current position as the leader of Her Highness’s guards.”

“Exactly.” Twilight nodded, but a moment later blinked in surprise and turned to my cousin. “Wait ... advance beyond being my guard?” Her ears drooped, and she seemed to find the ground near her hooves very interesting all of a sudden. “Oh. Er ... right, of course. I suppose you would eventually want to become a general or something. There’s not really a lot of room for career growth as a bodyguard, right?” She chuckled nervously, not quite meeting Storm’s eyes.

Storm seemed every bit as incapable of meeting Twilight’s eyes. A horribly uncomfortable silence reigned, until Storm very quietly murmured, “I should put the sparring gear up. If it’s left out in the open, it could...” She trailed off uncertainly, but got to work picking up the dulled wing blades and padding.

Also, Storm had used a contraction. A sure sign that something was bothering her.

Storm silently trotted into the treehouse, hauling all of our practice gear behind her. Twilight remained behind, staring silently at her own hooves. Being surrounded by sad ponies wasn’t doing my own mood any favors, so I decided to try and cheer her up with a little bit of my unique brand of charm. Or at least cheap off-brand charm substitute. “So yeah, casual sex. It’s a shame I couldn’t make you cool enough to do that.”

Twilight blinked in surprise, then chuckled halfheartedly. “Not through lack of effort, for sure.”

“Well, the trying was half the fun,” I shot back with grin. “And I'm obviously good at trying, since the other day Blossom said she found me very trying.”

Twilight’s smile turned a bit more genuine, and she poked me in the side. “Probably because you are. I think nearly everypony who knows you would agree.”

I pouted, sitting down and crossing my forelegs over my chest. “And all this time I thought I was endearing...”

“Don't worry, you're endearing too.” Twilight grinned and bumped shoulders with me. “Being a pain in the flank is part of your charm.”

I grinned and returned the gesture. “My charm is multifaceted that way.”

She smiled, fully getting into the swing of our familiar banter. “Has anypony ever told you that you’re very easy to please?”

I smiled and buffed a hoof on my chest. “That is what most of the ponies I took to bed said. Or was it that I had a very easy time pleasing them? Oh wait, it was both.”

“I think you’ve been taking too many modesty lessons from Rainbow Dash,” Twilight shot back, her grin now firmly in place.

“Well, she is my boss,” I pointed out. “It was inevitable we’d have some influence on each other. Just a shame I couldn’t break her prudish streak.” Though judging by how happy Pinkie Pie had been lately, Rainbow had finally gotten over at least some of her issues on that front.

We chatted for a bit longer before I judged the mood sufficiently relaxed to move on to the topic I was really interested in. I leaned in a bit closer and dropped my voice for privacy. “So really, things are good with you and Storm? I know it was a bit tense at first, but it seems like you two are really close now.”

Twilight’s smile very briefly flickered, but was back in full force a moment later. “We've worked out the roughest part, I think. Mostly it was me being grumpy about getting a guard and how that disrupted my routine, plus Storm not being the best at communicating and needing a while to get used to the way I do things. But that's all in the past now, we're getting along pretty great, minus a few hiccups.”

“Hiccups?” I prompted.

“Like the whole thing about not seeming too intimate with you in public,” she answered with a dismissive wave. “She means well, but there are some polite disagreements between us. But it’s not like I always agree with everything my other friends say either. I know Canterlot’s a lot more formal than Ponyville, and Storm probably expected being my guard to be a lot more like serving one of the other princesses. She’s adjusting.” Twilight paused and giggled, covering her mouth with a hoof. “I can’t imagine any of Celestia’s guardponies ever ask her for permission to hug her, after all.”

“She's a good mare,” I agreed, despite my current mild annoyance with her. It was a lot easier to stick up for my cousin when she wasn’t right there in front of me, constantly reminding me that she was a better Kicker than I was just by existing. “I might be a bit biased, but she’s probably the best guardpony you could ask for.”

Twilight smiled and nodded. “Well, I still think my brother’s the best guardpony ever, but I’m pretty sure Cadance has him locked up. Storm’s definitely a close second though, even if she is, as someponies who will not be mentioned might say, a bit of a stick in the mud. I still feel like I'm lucky to have her, and I’m glad I stuck things out with her despite our early disagreements.”

“And she's lucky to have you,” I agreed. “I think working with you could do a lot to help her loosen up.” I paused and shuffled uncomfortably before admitting. “It’s ... when I left the Guard, a lot of the big family hopes and dreams for my future wound up shifting onto Storm. I suppose she had to deal with a lot the same pressure that I cracked under.”

“And you think she handled it a lot better than you did,” Twilight concluded with a sad smile. “No wonder you’re a bit tense around her. You moved to Ponyville to get out from under your family’s shadow, and now here she is as a living reminder of it.” Twilight sighed and shook her head. “I guess that’s something for the two of you to work out on your own, though I’d be glad to help if there’s any way I can.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” I assured her.

There was a brief silence between us before Twilight shifted topics. “So, uh, how has everything else in your life been? Are Blossomforth and Fluttershy doing well?”

“Yeah, we’re all great.” I paused, and reluctantly amended. “Well, aside from this mild stomach flu that's been bugging me for the last couple days.”

Twilight frowned and quickly checked me over. “You should’ve mentioned being sick earlier. It’s nothing serious, is it? I can use a medical analysis spell on you if you would like. Just to play it safe.”

“Nah, I’m fine,” I assured her with a casual hoofwave. “I got through an entire sparring match without any trouble, so it can’t be that bad. Besides, you've already done enough to help me out.”

“If you're sure. I mean I'm always happy to help, and we are friends.”

“I'm sure.” I grinned and patted her cheek. “Thanks, though.”

“Alright.” She smiled and leaned ever so slightly into my touch. I’m sure that would’ve pissed Storm off if she’d been there to see it, but thankfully my cousin was still in the library. “And really, thanks for letting me watch the spar. It meant a lot to me. I don't get as much study time as I used to, so I like to get the best I can with the time I have.”

She chuckled and shook her head. “But I guess I'm reliving history a bit when I'm talking about having trouble with somepony I just met, only to make great friends with them later. A lot of friendship is just about getting used to each other, after all.” She grinned at me. “I'm not completely ignorant of my flaws.”

“Flaws just make you charming,” I asserted.

Twilight grinned and teasingly poked me in the chest. “Oh, and is that why you’re so charming?”

“Yup!” I readily agreed.

“Poor, charming, deeply flawed Cloud Kicker.” Twilight gave me a pat on the back, smiling condescendingly. “What ever shall you do with yourself?”

“Have wild sex with many beautiful ponies?” I suggested.

“That's always your answer for everything,” Twilight shot back dryly.

“It’s a good answer,” I offered in my own defense. “Like Applejack always says: if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

“It seems to be working out pretty well for you,” Twilight agreed.

“Yup. Couldn't be happier.” Why should anything change when I was perfectly happy with my life the way it was?

Author's Note

As always, thanks to my pre-reading and editing team for all their hard work. Also, I would like to thank all my dedicated Patreon supporters. You guys are awesome.

Click here if you want to join the list of awesome people who support my writing.

621chopsuey
The Accidental Brony
Aiden Hall
Benjamin McLaren
Brayden
Brionn Wauters
Chingis
Christoper A Cope
Combine
Comma-Kazie
Cyanhide
DaB
David Han
Deep Cover
Dixie Daley
djthomp
Donraj
Ebony Gryphon
Emlyn Costilow
FallenAngelXy
Jade Walters
James Miller
MoistGooDragon
Patrick
Ponibius
Quinn Shyrock
Steven Ilten
Trinary
Waritah
Zennyth

Also, to help get the word out, there's a new Winningverse Group writing event going on from now to September 1, 2015. Click here for details.

The Hammer Falls

Thankfully I didn’t suffer too much for my little excursion. Sure, Eepy hit me with that sad, disappointed look that made me feel like a big jerk while Blossom grumbled and threatened to tie me to the bed (and not in the fun way), but by the next time I chucked up breakfast they’d gotten over it and were back in nurturing mode. Which had its own pitfalls, but I still came out ahead on account of having a couple beautiful mares taking care of me.

Since I was still mostly getting sick in the mornings, I’d taken to having a walk around town in the afternoon. Eepy believed the fresh air would be good for me, but my main reason for the walks was so that I wouldn’t go stir crazy from being cooped up in the house all day.

I was just finishing a trot around the lake when Rainbow Dash swooped in, landing hard and fast right in front of me. “Cloud! There you are! Fluttershy said you went for a walk, and I’ve been looking all over for you!”

I blinked and instinctively took a step back at Rainbow’s sudden arrival, but recovered from the surprise pretty quickly. “Hey, Dash. Good to see you too. I’m fine, how are you?”

Rainbow rolled her eyes, then latched onto one of my forelegs and started tugging me along. “C'mon! You have to go right now!”

“What?” I tried to tug my leg free of her grip, but Rainbow was clamped onto me like her life depended on it. “Go where? What are you talking about? What’s going on?”

“To the storm shelter!” Rainbow shouted, taking off and hauling me into the air in the process. “Didn't you hear?! A big old monster is heading this way!”

“A monster?” That at least sorted out the worst of my confusion. Monster attacks had always been a risk of living in Ponyville, what with it being right on the edge of the Everfree Forest, which was why the storm shelter the original settlers had built to deal with wild weather coming from the forest did double-duty as a monster shelter. I’d heard the forest was supposed to be a bit calmer after Twilight and her friends did something to it back when it went completely wild, but the town still maintained the old shelter just in case.

Of course, the other reason the Everfree was supposed to be a bit safer now was because of my cousin’s monster patrols. Come to think of it, if there was some big monster fight coming up, Storm would probably be right in the middle of it. Not to mention Fluttershy and Rainbow being there. That made my next move obvious. “Screw going to the shelter, lemme go grab my stuff and I'll help you guys deal with it.” I might not be on Storm’s level as a monster hunter, but I still had a good set of armor, nice wing blades, and more training than ninety-nine percent of ordinary ponies when it came to dealing with big nasty beasts.

Rainbow growled and shook her head, picking up the pace as she dragged me towards Town Hall. “No way! I get that you wanna help, but you're not exactly in the Guard, and the Guard wasn't able to stop this Tirek guy. Hay, I heard he even managed to take down the Wonderbolts! Plus Discord’s working with him—I knew we couldn’t trust that jerk!”

“I can still help!” I protested, trying to squirm free of Rainbow. Alas, while I’m a pretty solid flier, I’m nowhere close to Rainbow’s level, especially since she’d started getting training from the Wonderbolts.

I would have argued with her more, but I spotted a yellow-and-pink blur headed straight for us. Fluttershy might not be as fast as Rainbow, but she can really move when she’s motivated. Once she caught up to us she immediately latched onto me, gasping for breath in between words. “Cloud ... there ... you are...”

Rainbow let go of my foreleg so I could hug her back. “Hey, Eepy. Guess you were looking for me for the same reason as Rainbow?”

She nodded in between pants, trying to catch her breath enough to manage a proper sentence. “Cloud. Monster coming. You need ... to get to ... the shelter.”

I groaned and applied hoof to face, even though it probably shouldn’t have come as a surprise. “Not you too, Eepy. Look, I did just fine in the fight against the changelings, so it’s not like I’m helpless or anything. Besides, you don’t even have the Elements anymore. You’re no better at dealing with crazy giant monsters than anypony else.”

Fluttershy’s ears drooped, and she tightened her hold on me. “I’m sorry, Cloud. I know you’re strong and brave but I just don't want to see you get hurt.”

I sighed and nuzzled her. “What makes you think I feel different about you and Rainbow? You’re going off to fight some crazy giant monster and you want me to just sit back and do nothing? Guys, please let me help out this time.”

Rainbow’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Why you bein' so stubborn all of a sudden? You never wanted to go on any of our other adventures.”

“Of course I did!” I shot back, a bit offended by what Rainbow was implying. “You’re one of my best friends, Rainbow! Not to mention Fluttershy and I are in love. I’ve always wanted to be there to support you guys—it just never worked out. Now ... well, this time I’m here.”

Rainbow paused in thought (I was pretty sure I smelled something burning), then put a hoof on my shoulder. “Relax, Cloud. We'll have this handled just fine on our own. Besides, don’t you think you’ve got more than just yourself to be worrying about?”

I frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean? Like Blossom, or Derpy and her girls?”

Rainbow hesitated for a long moment before answering. “Yeah, sure, let’s go with that for now. Think about everypony else who’s gonna be hiding out in the shelter. We gotta have somepony we can count on to keep them all safe, and I can’t think of anyone I trust to do the job more than my old gal pal who trained to be a professional flank-kicker.”

That all sounded nice, but I could read between the lines. “Yeah, 'cause if this monster’s so nasty that the six of you can't handle it, I'll really be able to make a difference when it comes for everypony hiding in the shelter. And really, you’re gonna try to fob me off with a weak story like that? You could at least respect me enough to be straight with me.”

Fluttershy gave me a quick, calming nuzzle. “Now now, Cloud, I’m sure she didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. And there’s plenty of other things you can do to help out, like make sure everypony else gets to the shelter. Normally we’d have Twilight organize the evacuation, but nopony’s seen her for a while. And once everypony’s safe, we’ll need somepony to keep them all calm, especially the children.” A worried little frown crossed her face. “The poor things will be so scared. And you’re good with kids, Dinky adores you.”

“And don’t forget about Blossom!” Rainbow chimed in. “She’s important too, and if she doesn’t know where you are she’ll probably be worried sick.”

I groaned, my ears and wings drooping. “Okay, okay, fine. I'll get everyone to safety while you guys go off and save the day without me.” Again.

Rainbow grinned and slapped me on the back. “Great! Thanks, Cloud.” Rainbow tossed a wing across Fluttershy’s back. “And don’t worry about us, there’s nothing we can't do together. Isn't that right, Fluttershy?”

Eepy hesitantly met Rainbow smile. “Um, yes?”

“Just stay safe, you two.” I tried not to look too forlorn as I met their eyes. “Please?” I trotted over to Fluttershy and gave her a quick kiss goodbye. “Love you, Fluttershy.” Then I turned to Rainbow, pausing for a moment as I considered my options. I looked around the area, and noticed there were a few other ponies hanging around the lake. Now that I was sure there were witnesses around, I glomped Rainbow. “Love you too, you goof.”

Rainbow rolled her eyes, but returned the hug, albeit with less enthusiasm. “Yeah yeah ... you big sap.”

I smirked, then planted a big, loud, wet and juicy kiss right on her cheek. “I mean it, Dash. I love you soooo much!”

“Cloud!” Rainbow whined adorably “Stooop! Everypony’s gonna see!” Her eyes darted towards the other ponies around the lake, none of whom were even looking at us.

I stepped it up a notch, raising my voice and pitching it across the lake. “Hey, everypony! I love this mare as much as I can without wanting to get her into bed! Tell all your friends!”

Rainbow’s cheeks went pink, and she shoved a hoof on top of my mouth to shut me up. “Darn it, Cloud! Are you trying to embarrass me to death?”

I removed the hoof, which Rainbow allowed when I didn’t start shouting again. “Only a little.” I grinned, and poked her in the side with a wing.

Rainbow groaned and started trying to squirm her free of my hold. “Seriously, why am I friends with you, again?”

“Because you find my wacky antics lovable and charming?” I suggested. “Plus, for all your tough gal image, you secretly love all the affection.”

“I guess you did kinda grow on me,” Dash grumbled. “You know, like how moss and fungus grow on rocks.” She wriggled a bit more, trying to work her way loose, but I wasn’t letting her escape. “Mind lettin' me go already? Kinda gotta go do the whole saving the world thing.”

“Fine, fine...” I released her, albeit with some reluctance. “See you around, Thunderbutt. Go kick the monster’s ass for me.”

“Can do,” Rainbow assured me with a confident grin. She turned to Fluttershy. “So, you wanna hold him down while I kick him in the gut?”

“I don’t know...” Eepy murmured. “That sounds awful mean. I understand he’s an evil monster and we have to stop him, but I don’t think we have to be that rough about it. It’s a shame we can’t use the Elements to stop him without hurting him too much.”

“Alright, you distract him, and I’ll kick him in the face.” Rainbow suggested. “C’mon, it’ll be awesome. He’ll be bragging about what a big evil jerk he is and how nopony can possibly stop him, and then right when he’s nearly gotten you I’ll come zooming in and pow!”

“I don’t like the plan if it involves me nearly getting squished...”

I watched the two of them trotting off to go take on the monster, then sighed and reluctantly got to work rounding ponies up to get them all in the shelter.

Ponyville’s monster/storm shelter does double duty as the basement storage area for the Town Hall. Most of the town’s residents were sitting on top of boxes and filing cabinets full of old paperwork—Derpy had just perched herself on top of a bunch of Rainbow’s old expense reports. Well, Blossom and I had been the ones to actually fill out most of said reports; Rainbow always did like to delegate as much of the desk work as she could. Someday I would have to see about approving an expense report for scoring myself a week-long vacation in Las Pegasus. Blossom would almost certainly sign off on it too once I did that one thing with the feather that she really liked.

Of course, my idle fantasies of committing petty fraud with taxpayer bits would have to wait until Ponyville wasn’t under attack by a gigantic monster. Which, given the town’s track record over the last couple years, probably meant that it would never happen. Seriously, is it too much to ask for just one year where nothing crazy happens? No ancient evils, giant dragons, crazed unicorns with dark magic powers, or forests going insane and trying to grow over the city. Just a normal, quiet year.

I finished up my quick headcount of the shelter’s inhabitants, finishing up with Lyra and Bon Bon cuddling in the corner. “I think that's everypony.”

Blossom, who had naturally fallen into playing my second in command, nodded along. “I don't see anypony missing, though I did catch the Crusaders trying to sneak out. I’ve got Raindrops keeping an eye on them to make sure they stay put.”

“Good thinking, hotflanks.” My fillyfriend rolled her eyes at my flirting, but I could see a hint of a smile on her lips. To be honest, a bit of silliness seemed like the perfect way to distract both of us from the fact that there was a giant monster rampaging through our town.

Other ponies had their own ways of coping. Derpy was clutching Dinky in such a vicelike hug that even Pinkie Pie would say was going a bit too far. Dinky was still a bit too young and innocent to understand why Derpy had a death grip on her, and was fussing and squirming. “Mommyyyy! You're holdin' me too tight!”

“Sorry, Muffin.” Derpy loosened her hold on her daughter enough to allow her to breathe, but not much more than that.

Sparkler, by contrast, was pacing around like a lion trapped in a cage, or Fluttershy’s pet bear whenever it was past his feeding time. She spotted Blossom and me talking and trotted over. “I think we're good over here, Momma. So what’re we gonna do now?” Her eyes flicked towards the reinforced door that was the only way in or out of the basement. “Do we just stay down here until the scary noises stop?”

“That’s why everyone’s in the shelter, yeah.”

Sparkler’s shoulders slumped, and she grumbled under her breath. “Woohoo. I get to sit around helplessly and wait to be rescued.”

Dinky managed to wriggle one of her hooves free from Derpy’s grip, reaching out towards her adopted sister. “We gotta be sneaky, Sparky! That's what Cloud said.” She paused, and her face fell. “Oh no! I forgot my sneaky box! But I guess that's okay, 'cuz I can't fit everypony into it anyway.”

Derpy smiled shakily at her younger child. “Just think of the shelter like one big box, Muffin.” Her eyes flicked to Sparkler, and she worried at her lower lip. “Sweetie, just ... let's just wait it out, okay? Princess Twilight, Rainbow, and the others will take care of this.”

Sparkler’s groan perfectly encapsulated the frustration of a teenager who was certain her parents just didn’t understand. “Fiiine.”

Considering the talk I’d had with Rainbow and Fluttershy, I could fully sympathize with the teen’s frustration. We both just felt so ... powerless. Our town was being attacked, and there was nothing we could do but wait for someone else to solve the problem. Even though we knew the smart thing to do was to stay safe, passivity just didn’t come naturally to ponies like us. We wanted to do something, even though there was nothing we could actually do.

I sighed and set down my heavily loaded saddlebags. My old Guard armor wasn’t light, especially when I’d packed it up so sloppily that my old instructors at West Hoof would’ve had me running laps and saluting squirrels for a week. In my defense, I’d been in a hurry. I pulled out all the parts, arranging them in more-or-less the proper order. “Guess I better get my game face on.” I glanced Sparkler’s way, and had an idea for how to distract her. “Hey, Sparky, if you're thinking about West Hoof, let's make a lesson of this. Help me armor up, and I’ll show you how it all works.”

Sparkler’s ears perked up and she eagerly trotted over. “Hay yeah, thanks. Luna knows I need something to do right now, and I always thought that Guard armor looked pretty cool. Plus knowing how it goes on and off could come in handy the next time Star drops by for a visit.”

A hint of a frown flashed across Derpy’s face, probably because she could put two and two together when it came to why her daughter might be interested in learning how to take her fillyfriend’s armor off. Blossom noted her reaction and trotted over for a little quick damage control before things got out of hoof.

I let Blossom handle that while I got to work with Sparkler’s impromptu lesson. “Right, so let's break this down to components. We've got the peytral, the crinet, the flanchard, the crupper.” I pointed to each of the parts in turn. “And the helmet, of course.”

Sparkler nodded along. “Chestplate, neck guard, side armor, and butt armor, got it.” She levitated the crupper, looking it over. “S’gotta be pretty tough to get all this on by yourself. I dunno how you'd reach back to get the butt ar—er the crupper on.” She lifted up the other components of my armor. “So ... gonna show me how it all works?”

“Sure thing.” I took the peytral out of her telekinetic grip. “It's pretty tricky to do it all by yourself unless you practice it a lot. Even then, it’s a lot quicker and easier to have somepony else helping out. So, let's start with the peytral. Watch how I put it on, and help me out with the straps once we get to that point.”

Sparkler watched me intently enough that I had a feeling this lesson might get just a bit awkward once it came time to put on the crupper. “Huh. Okay, so that's how it goes. Looks pretty simple. I’m guessing the straps need to be tight enough to hold, but not so tight they pinch you?”

“Got it on your first try.” Once I had the chestplate in position I walked Sparkler through how to strap it on by doing it myself, then took it off and let her put it back on. It took a couple tries and a few pointers from me, but before long she’d gotten the hang of it. “Now there's the weapons. You got any favorites?”

Sparkler met my question with a dry smirk. “Well, I was thinking wing blades. I mean, if Twilight can grow wings outta nowhere, I’ve got a shot too, right?” She let the joke sit for a moment longer, then finally gave me a straight answer. “Seriously though, I really dunno. S’not like Mom has a bunch of weapons lying around the house and lets me swing ‘em around whenever I wanna practice. Let’s face it, weapons in Mom’s house would be an accident waiting to happen. Anyway, Star's got a lotta good stuff to say about the halberd, so I figured I’d try that out first.”

I nodded along. “Halberd's a good choice. It’s got the top spike for bracing and stabbing, the blade for close-in work, and the back spike is good for tripping up opponents. Not to mention it fits in with the classic pike push the Guard likes to use in mass battles.”

“I'll take your word for it,” Sparkler answered with a shrug. “I don't really know all that much about that sorta stuff past what I hear from you n' Star.”

Right, she hadn’t grown up in a military family full of military ponies. “Don’t worry, if you go Guard you’ll learn all of it pretty quickly. Once you know enough to actually use a weapon without hurting yourself you’ll spend a couple weeks trying out a lot of different weapons until you figure out which ones you’ll be good with.”

Sparkler nodded. “Figured that. No point getting my heart set on something just 'cause it seems cool, n' all.” She paused, thinking it over. “Anything else you think I’d be good with?”

I thought it over for a moment. “Well, you’re not exactly large and muscular, so you’re probably gonna be using your telekinesis for your weapon wielding. Which means kineweapons are definitely worth looking into.” Sparkler’s head cocked to the side, and I gave her a quick explanation. “Telekinesis-specialized weapons. Basically, daggers, spikes, and such that are designed specifically to be used with unicorn telekinesis. No hilts or grips, so they’re lighter, plus some other advantages that a blacksmith could probably explain better than I can.”

Her eyes brightened in comprehension. “Oh yeah! I think Star’s got a couple of those.”

“Yeah, they’re keyed to work along with her tracking spells.” I grinned and shook my head. “Used to annoy the hay outta Storm whenever they sparred, since the things would just keep coming after her until she could find a way to break the spell.”

Sparkler frowned and stuck a hoof into her mane, digging out one of my cousin’s tracking gems. “Wait, you’re saying Star could use this to send weapons after me? That’s ... kinda freaky. And this is coming from a mare who’s cool with wearing a tracking device in the first place.”

“Relax, different spells,” I reassured her. “But that does kinda tie into why kineweapons are still pretty niche. See, the main reason a lot of unicorns in the Guard like to carry real weapons is so they have a backup option when attack spells don’t work. But since kineweapons don’t have grips, you can’t use one without telekinesis. Well, not unless you wanna slice yourself up as much as the other guy.”

“Right, I gotcha,” she nodded along while tucking her tracker back behind her ear. “S’no point in a backup weapon for guys you can’t use magic against if that backup can’t be used without magic. So you either use ‘em as a primary or don’t bother at all.” She helped me finish armoring up, looking over the results of her work with a satisfied smile. However, that smile slipped a moment later when she saw Dinky squirming her way free of her mother’s hooves. “So, what're you doing here with this stuff anyway? You're kinda on the wrong side of the door if you're gearing up for a fight.”

“I just...” I hesitated, searching for the right words. “I just want to be ready in case things go bad. Better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it, right?”

“Right.” Sparkler fell silent for a while, staring silently at the door. “S'a nice thought, Momma, but if Rainbow n' the others can't take this big bad down, s'up to the Guard. And if they can't stop it... Luna, I hate being helpless in a crisis.” She chewed her lip, then glanced back at me. “You look good, though. S'probably good for morale, having somepony who looks all big and strong and protective around.”

“That too, yeah.” Though to be honest, I’d mostly just brought the armor for my own peace of mind. I knew Rainbow had just spouted out that line about needing me to protect everyone back in Ponyville as an excuse to get me to safety, but as long as I was armed and armored up it was a little easier to pretend that was really the case.

Sparkler stepped a bit closer to me, and after a quick check to make sure my blades were safe I wrapped one of my wings around her. “It’s gonna be okay, kid.”

She leaned into the touch, closing her eyes and relaxing against my side. “Thanks, Momma.”

I held onto her for a bit longer, until I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye. A closer look revealed a bunch of old files scattered over the floor, and an inconspicuous cardboard box scooting towards the two of us. I guess Dinky had found her hiding box after all. Sparkler snorted and grinned at it. “Oh, Luna. Looks like you're not the only one who brought some armor.”

I chuckled and trotted over to the box, lightly rapping the top of it. “Hey, squirt. You like your new hiding box?”

“Shhhh!” the box hissed. “You can’t see me, I’m bein’ sneaky.”

I decided to play along. “Who said that?” I looked around the room dramatically. “Dinky, was that you? I can’t see you.” The inconspicuous cardboard box giggled, and a moment later Dinky lifted it up and attached herself to my foreleg.

“Oh there you are!” I grinned and gave her quick pat on the back. “So how’s my favorite little Dinky doing? Everything ok—”

BOOM!

The entire shelter shuddered as the ground rumbled above us. The lights flickered for a moment, and dust drifted down from the ceiling while dozens of ponies started shouting and screaming as nervous fear threatened to give way to panic. Dinky tightened her hold on my hoof and tried to pull the box over both of us, while Sparkler let out an inventive string of expletives that told me she’d fit right in with the rest of the Guard if she went down that route. Though admittedly, officers were supposed to avoid that kind of thing.

The entire bunker remained tensely silent for several seconds, waiting to see what would happen next. I couldn’t help but think about the fact that we were in an underground bunker, and could easily end up buried alive. I’m not claustrophobic, but that didn’t mean I was completely blasé about the possibility of being trapped in this bunker forever.

As the silence stretched on after that first massive rumble, Mayor Mare cleared her throat. “Don’t worry everypony, I’m sure that was just Princess Twilight and her friends defeating the monster. Soon we’ll all be able to go back to our homes and everything will be back to normal.”

“I sure hope she’s right about that,” I murmured under my breath. I’ve never really trusted the mayor, probably because her special talent is politics. Which, as everypony who knows anything about politics will tell you, means that she’s a natural-born liar. And really, we had no idea what was going on up there; the mayor was just trying to keep everypony calm.

Sparkler seemed to agree with my assessment, looking pointedly at my helmet. “You got a spare set of that stuff lying around?”

I shook my head. “Sorry, just the one.” I put on the helmet and pointedly tapped my forehead. “Besides, even if I had a spare set it’d be made to fit me. You’re smaller than me, plus you don’t need wing-holes, and my helmets don’t come with an opening for the horn.”

Sparkler deflated, slumping against me. “Yeah, ‘course.”

Dinky slowly poked her head out of the box, staring nervously up at the ceiling. “Rainbow and Miss Princess Twilight and the others are all gonna be okay, right?”

“Yeah, they'll all be fine.” I leaned down and gave her a quick reassuring nuzzle. “You know how it goes, they always kick the big monster’s butt in ten seconds flat. No reason it’d be different this time. I Pinkie Promise, and you know that means it’ll come true.” I’m pretty sure that even if the monster wound up taking out Rainbow and her friends, Pinkie’s ghost would find some way to punish me for breaking a Pinkie Promise.

Dinky hesitated for a moment longer, then abandoned her box entirely to wrap her forelegs around me, burying her face in my lightly armored belly. While I held her, Sparkler stepped up and started gently rubbing her back. “Hey, we’re here, Dinks. N’look at how Cloud’s all armored up to save us. No way no scary monsters are gonna get us with her here.”

“Yeah, if any nasty monsters show up I’ll kick their butts so hard they start crying for their mommies.” Another explosion overhead rather pointedly reminded me that my mouth was making promises my body wouldn’t be able to keep. If the alicorn princess and her friends couldn’t handle the bad guy, I probably wouldn’t be able to do much more than slow him down for as long as it took him to squash me.

Thankfully, Dinky wasn’t old enough to figure that out on her own, so she just accepted my words at face value. Of course, that led her mind down a different but equally troublesome avenue. “Okay. But why are you here insteada helpin' Rainbow an' Miss Princess Twilight?”

Ouch. I quickly repeated the excuse Rainbow had foisted onto me. “Because they needed somepony they could count on to keep you and everypony else they care about safe while they took care of the monster.”

“'Sides, Momma doesn't wanna upstage Rainbow in front of her friends,” Sparkler chimed in, throwing a faint grin my way. “You know how much Rainbow loves to talk about how she saves the day with her friends...”

I nodded along. “Yeah, it'd really hurt her feelings if I didn’t let her save the day.”

Dinky accepted the implausible excuse with the sponge-like credulity of any young foal. “Oh. 'Kay.” She looked off to the side, then gasped. “Oh no! Mommy’s hugging Miss Blossom too hard now ‘cause she can’t hug me! Mommy! You're gonna make Miss Blossom's head pop if ya keep huggin' her that tight!”

I glanced their way, and saw that Derpy had reflexively hugged Blossom once the shelter started shaking. For her part, Blossom seemed torn between trying to squirm her way loose and holding onto Derpy for the same reason. Derpy shot my fillyfriend a sheepish smile and loosened her hold. “Sorry, sorry. It just startled me, is all.”

“It’s not a problem,” Blossom assured her. “Thanks for letting go tho—” The shelter rumbled once more, and Derpy latched right back onto her.

Dinky let out a quiet, frightened little whimper, staring nervously up at the ceiling. I protectively wrapped my wings around her while Sparkler glared up at the roof.

When the rumbling carried on for more than a second, ponies started panicking. Naturally, it started with the Flower Trio screaming about ‘The horror!’ and escalated from there. It took the mayor almost a minute to calm everypony down again.

The whole time, Sparkler was just glaring at the roof like it had stolen her lunch money. I shot a curious look her way, and she explained. “Whatever's out there's scaring Dinky. I should be scared too, but m' just mad. The thing up there is scaring my little sister. Hay, it’s scaring Mom too, and Blossom and half the other ponies in here. N' my godmom and her friends are out there trying to stop it, while I’m stuck in here.”

“That’s the worst part of it.” My ears drooped. “Knowing that whatever’s gonna happen to you and the ponies you care about is completely out of your hooves. Right now a monster could be smashing up my house and hurting Fluttershy, and all I can do is hide down here and wait for all the scary noises to stop.”

“Yeah.” She sighed, slowly rubbing her little sister’s back. “Yeah, m' probably just saying what you're thinking. I just ... this stuff's why West Hoof's on my list. Mom can hate it all she likes, but this makes how many times now that some crazy monster has showed up and started rampaging around Ponyville? I just wanna be able to fight back.”

After a moment’s consideration, I made a potentially unwise offer, given Derpy’s apparent issues with Sparkler going into the Guard. “I've been giving Blossom a little off-and-on training in how to handle herself in a fight. If your mom’s cool with it, you can join us. Obviously I couldn’t teach you any spells or anything, but I can show you some basic hoof-to-hoof.”

“‘S a lot better than nothing.” Sparkler nodded, smiling at me. “Thanks. I'll ask Mom once things settle down a bit.”

“Can I come too?” Dinky asked, her eyes full of innocent curiosity. “‘Cause I know Alula’s been doin’ all that training stuff, so I wanna do some too.”

“We'll ask Mom later, okay?” Sparkler assured her.

Dinky frowned, a hint of fillyish pique and impatience showing. “Why’s it gotta be later? Why can’t we ask her right n—”

This time it wasn’t a sudden crash and rumble, it was a proper earthquake. The entire shelter started shaking, and didn’t stop for nearly a minute. The ground rumbled under our hooves, cracks appearing in the packed earth. Several ponies stupidly scrambled away in fright as if that would help if the floor suddenly gave way, but thankfully the ground was still soft enough the cracks didn’t go more than a few inches deep. The beams overhead creaked ominously, dust pouring from the cracks, prompting Thunderlane to hit the deck and cover his head with trembling hooves. I pitied the poor guy. I knew thanks to the one time I dragged him into a cloud for a lunchtime tryst that he was really claustrophobic, and the thought of the roof collapsing and burying us must have been really terrifying for him. It didn’t take long for everypony to start screaming their heads off.

As soon as the shaking died down I tried to restore order. I had to raise my voice to be heard over the crowd. “It's alright, everypony. That was probably just the monster falling down after the gals knocked him out.”

“Or it’s the first assault!” Rose shrieked.

“It's breaking in!” Lily shouted.

Daisy naturally followed suit. “It's coming to eat us!”

All three of them screamed in perfect, practiced unison. “The horror! The horror!”

Well, so much for not starting a panic. I glared at the three of them in the vague hope that it would make them settle down. “One more word out of you three, and you'll never get another Cloud foursome.” Not that I was inclined to do that even if they behaved. Sure, it had been fun, but unsurprisingly all three of them had been massive screamers in bed. Not even the best sex in the world was worth all the suffering my poor eardrums had been subjected to.

Sparkler stepped up, her horn glowing. “Don’t worry, Momma, I got this.” A spell shot towards the trio, and their screams suddenly went silent. Their mouths and limbs continued flailing, but no sound emerged. Once they realized what was happening, they pointed at each other and soundlessly screamed again, then finally fainted. Thank Celestia.

I took a moment to appreciate her handiwork. “Silence spell, huh? That’s handy.”

Sparkler nodded and grinned. “I learned it back when you and Mom were a thing. And now Star comes over enough that I've got it down to a science.”

“Yeah, she's gotten really good,” Dinky chimed in. “Though I dunno why she needs to put a quiet spell on her room whenever Star comes over to play battleclouds with her. Though they do get kissy-faced sometimes, and it sounds really gross. Like...” Dinky provided some wet, slobbery, over-the-top sound effects.

Sparkler rolled her eyes. “And she calls me a brat.”

Dinky ignored her big sister, turning her attention to me instead. “Hey Cloud, what's a foursome? Is that like four square?”

Thankfully, Sparkler’s excuse for why she needed private time in her bedroom with Star gave me an easy way out. “It's when I go over and play battleclouds with all three of them.”

Dinky smiled and nodded, accepting my lie with the guilelessness of youth. “Oooh, it must be really hard to play three games at once.”

“Yeah,” Sparkler chimed in. “Especially when there aren't any balls involved.”

“Sparkler!” Derpy snapped, glowering at her daughter.

The teen groaned, then facehoofed. “Oh Luna, I said that out loud.”

“Bad Sparkler.” I chided, playfully swatting her on the rump. “Bad. Seriously, I don’t know where you got your dirty mind from.”

“Yeah,” Derpy said, her eyes pointedly lingering on me. “It’s a mystery.”

Sparkler threw me under the cart without a moment’s hesitation. “Yeah, it’s all Momma’s fault. Which means you can’t punish me, right?”

Derpy smiled sweetly. “I don’t think it works that way, sweetie. You’re old enough to know better.”

Sparkler sighed and shrugged. “Worth a shot.” She shot me a sheepish-grin. “Sorry, Momma.”

“I’m sure I’ll find a way to forgive you.” I let that thought hang in the air just long enough to give her hope before adding, “after you spend a week cleaning up my place.”

Sparkler groaned and shot a desperate look Derpy’s way, hoping for a parental veto. Alas for her, none was forthcoming. I guess Derpy figured extra chores was as good of a punishment as anything else she could come up with.

Before I could start teasing her with the horrors of cleaning out my costume closet or doing my dishes, something thumped against the storm shelter’s entrance. Everypony jumped in shock, and Derpy immediately jumped between the door and her daughters. “Girls, stay back.”

Since I was the only pony in full body armor, I stepped up to the door. “Alright, everypony, nothing to worry about. It’s probably just Twilight and her friends trying to open up the door to let us out.” Thankfully the silence spell over the Flower Trio was still firmly in place, because I could see them soundlessly screaming their heads off again. “Still, let’s play it safe, just in case. Everypony stand back.”

Most of the ponies needed no encouragement to do exactly that. Sparkler tried to step out from behind her mother to back me up, but Derpy stopped her with an upraised wing and a wall-eyed glower. Blossom gave Sparkler a quick pat on the back, then hesitantly trotted out to join me. Her eyes darted nervously towards the door every time something thumped against it, but she stood her ground with a worried chuckle. “Somepony’s got to watch your back, right?”

I smiled and gave her a quick peck. “Yeah, my back is far too sexy to go un-watched.” Blossom rolled her eyes, but didn’t dispute my reasoning. “Thanks, sweetie.”

“No problem.” I jumped in surprise at Bon Bon’s voice. I hadn’t even heard her come walking up behind me, but there she was standing by my side, watching the door intently. I was a bit surprised she was backing me up too, but I certainly wouldn’t complain. For a mare who made her living selling candy, Bons was in remarkably good shape. Presumably that was her earth pony strength and stamina.

So, Blossom and Bon Bon were backing me up bravely and boldly before battle. At least I had alliteration on my side.

There was a final thump, and then the door slowly creaked open. The light streaming in made it a bit hard to see who or what was standing in the doorway, but a moment later I heard Rainbow’s unmistakable scratchy tomboy voice. “Hey guys. We got that Tirek jerk. The good guys win, the bad guys lose, and as always, I was awesome the whole time.”

Everypony in the shelter let out a relieved sigh, and Rainbow trotted into the shelter. As soon as I got a good look at her my jaw hit the floor. Her mane and tail both seemed to have gotten twice as long, she seemed to have dipped her wings in liquid rainbow, and there were random multi-colored little lightning bolts scattered all over her coat. “Oh yeah, and we all got crazy new awesome transformation powers. Pretty cool, huh?”

I stared at my old friend, trying to make sense of her strange new form. Rainbow’s never exactly been subtle with her fashion sense, but this was gaudy and overdone even for her. Not that it was especially important: she could look however the heck she wanted to as long as it ended with the crazy giant monsters getting taken out. However, I could tell Rainbow was fishing for compliments, so I did my best. Or at least the best I could while simultaneously holding back a gigantic groan. “Er ... wow. That sure is something.”

“It’s ... very you,” Blossom diplomatically agreed.

“Thanks.” Rainbow grinned, striking a pose and clearly eating up the praise. “But it wasn’t all me, my friends helped too. And their transformations look just as cool as mine.”

Oh dear Celestia, if Fluttershy looked like Rainbow ... oh please let this be a temporary transformation and not a permanent one.

Sparkler, on the other hoof, was bluntly honest. “S'like somepony blended a zap apple with a breezie n' turned it into a shampoo.”

Lyra trotted over to Bon Bon’s side, then looked Rainbow over with a grin. “Reminds me of this one old cartoon I saw once. Please tell me you didn’t spend ten minutes screaming to power up and make your hair grow like that.”

“Bah.” Rainbow brushed aside the criticism. “You guys just wish you could look this awesome.” She spun around, accidently smacking Lyra in the face with her massively oversized tail. “They’re alright! ‘Shy, you can stop worrying now.”

Something yellow blurred towards me, and the next thing I knew I was being smothered by a gigantic mass of pink hair. Fluttershy always liked to wear her mane and tail really long, and with her new transformation it had all expanded to truly ridiculous levels. I could barely even see the mare hugging me through all the hair. “Oh thank goodness you’re alright, Cloud. I was so worried about you...”

I hugged the gigantic, writhing mass of hair as best I could. “Hey, Fluttershy. Your mane is really ... er ...” She smiled hopefully, and I desperately tried to come up with something nice to say about it. “I really like your mane,” I finished lamely.

She beamed at the compliment. “Thank you. Though I think it’s really a bit too long now. I tripped over it twice on the way here, and I have to fly to keep it from dragging on the ground.”

“Oh. Well maybe it would be easier if you changed back to normal,” I suggested hopefully.

“Maybe,” Fluttershy agreed, blushing faintly. “Um ... I’ll do that as soon as I figure out how. These new powers didn’t exactly come with an instruction manual. We just unlocked the box, and everything kind of ... happened.”

Oh Celestia, Luna, and Shadow, please let there be a way for her to change back. If she stayed like this permanently, I would be coughing up hairballs every time we banged. I’ve already had enough Fluttershy-related vomiting incidents to last a lifetime.

As I contemplated that awful scenario, Dinky rushed over and glued herself to one of Rainbow’s legs. “Rainbow Dash! It was so scary!”

Rainbow chuckled and hugged her. “Hey, Dinks. Why was it scary? I told you I'd kick that ugly monster's sorry butt, and that's exactly what we did.”

“I know!” Dinky babbled out. “But the whole shelter was shaking and rattling and it was still all—” She blinked, looking up at Rainbow and taking in her new form. “Whoooa. Didja let Miss Rarity take you to the spa? 'Cuz I dunthink she did a really good job.”

“Nah, this is my awesome new transformation power.” She pointed to the entrance, where the fashionista herself was trotting in, calling out her sister’s name. “We all got one, see?”

Dinky took one look at the new Rarity, then pointedly pulled one of Rainbow’s forelegs around herself to serve as a shield. I had to agree with her; Rarity’s new form looked even worse than Rainbow and Fluttershy’s.

Sparkler gaped at her, then slowly shook her head. “So, does she know Discord did that to her, or has she just not seen it yet?”

Rainbow cocked her head to the side. “What are you talking about, Spark?”

“Oh. It's supposed to look like that?”

It was a pretty safe bet Rarity hadn’t found a mirror yet, or her ear-piercing scream would’ve shattered every single window and eardrum in Equestria.

Rarity herself walked over to us, her hideously massive multi-colored mane bouncing with each step. “Well, I do try to look my absolute best, darling. Even when I’m just coming back from battle against an awful brute like Tirek.”

Right. I definitely needed to find an excuse to get far, far away from here before somepony showed Rarity what she looked like. I could take the kids with me too. Or maybe we should all just stay in the shelter and let Rarity go back to Carousel Boutique. After all, the last time her fashion sense had been that badly offended she’d gone on a dark magic-fueled rampage in an attempt to beautify the whole town.

I was still trying to come up with a good escape plan when Fluttershy softly cleared her throat. A yellow hoof emerged from the mass of hair, resting supportively on my shoulder. “Cloud, there’s something you need to know. On the way back from the fight with Tirek we found your cousin. It looks like she tried to fight him by herself. She was hurt, but she’ll be okay.”

Sparkler rushed over, nearly knocking me aside in her haste. “What?! Where's Star? How bad is it?!”

“Not Star, Storm,” Fluttershy quickly explained. Sparkler let out a relieved sigh, sitting down heavily. “I’m sure Star is just fine. She’s probably in Canterlot with the rest of her family.”

“And Storm?” I asked, the words tasting like ashes in my mouth. Our last talk hadn’t exactly gone as well as I would’ve liked. I’d gotten naggy with her over some stupid book, and now she might be hurt or even dy—

“She’s hurt, but Twilight said she should be fine,” Fluttershy quickly reassured me.

I sighed, my wings slumping in relief. “I ... I better go check on her anyway. I mean, she’s family.” I blinked, then quickly added. “I need to write Dad too, make sure everypony else made it out alright.”

“Relax, they’ll be fine,” Rainbow cut in, giving me a quick pat on the back. “Tirek seemed more into stealing magic than actually hurting ponies. But yeah, you should go check on Stormy anyway. Twilight took her to the giant crystal palace in the middle of town.”

“The giant what?”

“Um, a lot of things happened,” Fluttershy murmured.

“Yeah, it was real cool.” Rainbow took a seat, pulling Dinky onto her lap. “The thing just sprang up after we took out Tirek—actually, lemme tell you how we did that first. So, it all started when Princess Celestia...”

I was out the door before Rainbow got any further with her story. I needed to make sure Storm was alright.

Fortunately, the giant crystal palace was easy to find. It did stand out compared to the small-town surroundings. The gates and windows were wide open, so I rushed in and started looking around for Storm, or at least somepony who could help me find her. After spending a couple minutes running through the large new palace, I stumbled across Twilight, who had Storm’s dented armor scattered across the floor.

I’m a bit ashamed to admit it, but one of the first thoughts that sprang to mind was relief at the fact that Twilight was looking like her normal self instead of being a transformed version. In my defense, that was just my subconscious making note of it while my thinking mind was completely focused on my cousin.

“Twilight!” I rushed over to her, skidding to a stop on the slippery crystal floor. “Fluttershy told me Storm was hurt, and on the way here I saw what happened to the library! Is she okay? Are you okay?”

Twilight glanced up at me, one of her ears flicking. “Oh yes, I'm just great. It's just another day for me when my house gets blown up and one of my best friends gets hurt.” I flinched back, and she sighed, her ears drooping. “Sorry, it’s ... it’s been a long, stressful day.” She took a deep, calming breath. “I’m okay, and Spike wasn’t in the library when Tirek destroyed it. Zecora and Redheart are looking Storm over right now. They said she’ll be fine, but they needed a bit longer to finish looking her over, and then she needs some time to rest.” A sheepish smile worked its way onto her face as she confessed. “They ... er, they asked me to leave the room because I kept asking them questions while they were trying to work.”

“But she’ll be alright?” I asked for confirmation. When Twilight nodded, my wings sagged in relief. “Thank goodness. What happened to her anyway? Don't tell me she tried to take on Tirek all by herself...”

Twilight groaned and ran a hoof over her face. “I haven’t been able to ask her yet, but that’s exactly what it looks like.”

I tried to wrap my mind around the idea that my intelligent, level-headed cousin could have done something so monumentally stupid. “That idiot! What was she thinking?!”

Twilight nodded sharply, but a second later her eyes dropped guiltily to the floor. “She was probably trying to defend me.”

“Yeah, that sounds like her.” It certainly matched her stiff-necked, obstinate adherence to her duty despite how utterly unrealistic her expectations were. “That settles it, she better heal up fast so I can kick her sorry butt for being so stupid! What in Equestria made her think she could even take on some crazy monster like...”

I slowly trailed off, staring at the suit of armor scattered across the floor. At first I’d just assumed it was Storm’s normal armor, but now that I looked a bit more closely I noticed the exceptional craftsmareship, the outdated style, and the intricate runes carved along the surface. And more than that, I could feel the subtle aura of power surrounding it. “No way. She didn’t...”

“She did.” Twilight answered with a tired smile. “I ... I know it’s a bit weird to say it, but isn’t it just a little bit exciting? My bodyguard is the new wielder of Shadow’s Armor! I’ve always been a little curious about it. I mean, it’s a famous artifact that one of my ancestors helped Princess Celestia create, so it’s only natural that I’d be a bit curious about it.” She picked up the helmet, staring at it. “And, well, it got a little damaged during the fight with Tirek, so I thought it might be a good idea to repair it. You know, while I was waiting for Zecora to finish up with Storm. Just so I would be...”

I trotted over and wrapped a wing around her. “Yeah, gotta find something to keep your mind occupied or the waiting and worrying will drive you nuts.”

She nodded silently, leaning into my hug. After a long moment she hopped right back to studying the armor, moving with almost frantic energy. “So, yes, Shadow’s Armor. Storm’s the first pony to actually be able to wear it since Thunderbolt Kicker used it to defeat the Demon-King Jr’dokr’strix’ilkig’noraz the Blight-Bringer at the Battle of Vanhoover. Can you believe that?”

“Yeah, that's super.” I couldn’t help but think back to my own effort to retrieve the armor during the changeling invasion of Canterlot, which had ended with Shadow’s spirit flat-out telling me I wasn’t good enough to wear it. But apparently my cousin was. Yeah, that wasn’t going to help my budding inferiority complex.

“So,” I quickly asked to distract myself from that pleasant turn of thought. “You’re trying to repair the battle damage?”

Twilight nodded eagerly, seeming to appreciate the distraction just as much as I did. “I'm also hoping to do a lot of research on it. I mean, I have to understand how it works to fix it anyway. And this is a really unique opportunity. I tried studying the Elements, but their magic is so ancient and powerful I could never figure it out. However, Shadow’s Armor was made by my teacher and one of my ancestors. I’m sure I can figure out how it works.”

I chuckled, reaching up to gently ruffle her mane. “Looks like you’ve already got a new research project going, don’t you?”

“I will need them,” Twilight agreed, her ears drooping. “I ... well, all my old research projects were probably ruined when my lab got blown up along with the rest of the library.”

I flinched as I realized I’d gotten into hazardous territory for her. “Yeah, I guess that would be a problem.” I quickly shifted topics before I completely killed the mood and we ended up crying and holding each other. “So, you met Shadow yet?”

Twilight’s ears perked up, and her old academic enthusiasm returned in full force. “Oh yes, the spirit within the armor is still very much intact.” She grinned, rubbing her hooves together. “I have sooo many questions to ask her. You have no idea how priceless of a research opportunity this is. Just think about how much she could tell us about history and the Lunar Rebellion. Celestia doesn’t like talking about it, and while I’ve read Shadow Kicker’s memoirs, of course, there’s really no substitute for speaking to the pony herself.” She paused, tapping her chin. “Or, well, whatever the spirit is. But as long as it has Shadow’s full memories she could tell us all kinds of things!”

Trust Twilight Sparkle to meet a famous pony from the past and immediately start thinking about what a big research and studying opportunity it was. “Yeah, I’m sure it’s very exciting, but what did you think about the mare herself?”

She hesitated, worrying at her lower lip. “It's been a bit hard to make her open up. Though I think I might have overdone it a little the first time we met. I just ... I was really excited when I realized who she was, and...”

“You bombarded her with dozens of questions before she could get a word in edgewise,” I finished for her.

She sighed, slowly nodding. “A little bit. It’s just ... do you have any idea how much we could learn from a spirit with memories from the first and second centuries? Not to mention what she would remember about all the other ponies who’ve wielded the Armor throughout the ages. There are historians who would kill for an opportunity like this. Plus, the spirit could almost certainly explain the inner workings of the armor itself to me...”

I thought it over for a moment, then reached a decision. “Want me to try talking to her? I might be able to smooth things over if you made a bad first impression.”

She hesitated a moment, then slowly nodded. “If you think it would help we could try. After all, you are a Kicker. Though I don’t really see how that should make a difference when there were Kickers and Sparkles getting married back in Shadow’s time, and more have since then.” She grinned, and gently nudged me in the shoulder. “I checked our family trees back when I was doing that research project on you, and we’re technically twelfth cousins, twice removed. So if it’s just a matter of having Kicker blood, you’d think I would qualify...”

“Twelfth cousins...” I poked her teasingly in the side. “That’s far enough apart that it’s not weird for you and Storm to lust after each other, right?”

Twilight rolled her eyes, grumbling. “There’s no lusting going on, now try to focus on the matter at hoof. Namely, repairing Shadow’s Armor. Since it’s designed to absorb spells directed at it, I can’t really analyze or repair it until I can get the spirit within the armor to work with me. And right now I don’t think she’s exactly resisting me, but she doesn’t seem to be trying very hard to help me either.”

“Alright, I’ll sort you two out.” I’m not exactly the greatest diplomat in the world, but this didn’t seem like something that required a silver tongue. Twilight was inquisitive, Shadow was proud and prickly. Any decent moderator should be able to sort them out. “The armor still works by just touching it, right?” She confirmed that it did. “Alright then.”

I reached out, slowly resting my hoof on the breastplate.

The world shifted around me, and next thing I knew I was standing in the middle of the clan compound the way it looked nine hundred years ago, Twilight Sparkle at my side. Shadow was standing in the middle of the courtyard, fully armed and armored. I was just glad she didn’t feel the need to put me through another test to remind me that I wasn’t worthy of using her armor. Maybe she only bothered with that when somepony touched it with the intention of using it. It would be a bit odd if she put the pony in charge of polishing her armor through that big test every time their hoof accidently brushed the metal.

Shadow gave each of us a short nod. “Princess Sparkle. Descendant.”

“Er ... hey again, Honored Shadow.” Her eyes narrowed, and I quickly corrected myself. “Er, just plain old Shadow. Sorry.” I’d gotten a touch more observant about her cult ever since the whole changeling thing and what happened to Mom, but Shadow had never been a big fan of all the veneration she received.

Twilight trotted up to her with a friendly smile. “Hello again. I was hoping we could ask you—”

Shadow held up a hoof to cut her off. “Pray, no more questions.”

Twilight’s smile briefly slipped, and she stubbornly set her hooves. “But I have so many things I need to ask you about. There is so much we could learn from you, plus I can’t help fix the armor unless I know everything about how it works.”

Shadow sighed, sounding quite exasperated. “I have already been asked dozens of questions by you, with no end in sight.”

“Ohhh,” Twilight said, comprehension seeming to dawn. “Sorry, since you’re a bodiless spirit it never even occurred to me that you might get tired after a while. I should’ve asked more about you first; to be honest, I’m not even one hundred percent sure what you are. I’ll make sure to add that to the list.” Twilight pulled out a scroll that rolled out to easily twice her height and jotted down some notes. “So, do you need breaks after a while? Because we could schedule something for later. I'd be more than happy to set up a series of meetings with you.”

“I would prefer fewer questions,” the shade grunted, her eyebrows knitting and gaze falling to the ground in sufferance.

Twilight’s friendly grin turned into a slight pout. “Well, I suppose we could have shorter meetings too, though that’s not ideal. It takes a while to really build up momentum in an interview, so I’d to have at least an hour each time we—”

“Uh, Twilight?” I gently cut her off. “I think the problem is that she’s not too keen on the whole idea of you interviewing her at all.” I tossed a look Shadow’s way, and she nodded slightly. “She’s kind of a private pony. Spirit. Thing.”

“Oh, I completely understand if she wants some privacy.” Twilight turned back to Shadow with a sympathetic smile. “I know I was really worried I wouldn’t have any time to myself once I became a princess. Don’t worry, I’m sure we can make some sort of arrangement that lets you answer my questions without intruding too much.” She smiled hopefully. “I would really like for us to be friends.”

Shadow regarded her for several seconds, then reluctantly nodded. “I suppose I should have expected that one of Midnight’s children would be as relentlessly curious as she was. It seems that the apple does not fall far from the tree.”

The princess smiled sheepishly. “Well, technically I’m a distant descendant. I’m her granddaughter with thirty-one greats in front of it.” Her ears perked up a bit. “So, you think I’m like Midnight Sparkle?”

“You share her insatiable curiosity.” Shadow paused, looking her over. “However, you are much more animated, and do not share her unique fondness for the macabre, nor do you seem to be accompanied by an ever-growing unkindness of ravens. Though clearly you share the talent for magic that both Midnight and her mother possessed. And, it would seem, Midnight’s curious talent for inspiring loyalty in others.”

“Well she is a Sparkle,” I cut in, grinning and nudging Twilight. “And a nice, friendly, and cute one. I bet you’ll get along just fine with her.”

Shadow turned to me with a dry look. “I am well aware of thy history with her, Cloud. Suffice to say thine opinion of her merits may be biased.”

“You know our history?” Twilight asked, her eyes already brimming with curiosity. “How do you know that? Is that one of the enchantments on the armor?”

“Aye,” Shadow confirmed. “I know what those who touch the armor know.”

“Interesting...” Twilight started jotting down notes, even though I didn’t think that would work in this weird mental realm. Well, unless jotting down notes was symbolic of remembering it better or something. “Though I suppose you would have to be able to analyze potential wielders to determine whether or not they were worthy. Which reminds me, we really need to talk about making the criteria for wearing the armor more explicit. Anyway, is your knowledge absorption an automatic and comprehensive process, or do you merely focus major events relating to the criteria needed to wield the armor? Can you still remember everything from previous wearers, or does the information fade over time? And what about—”

I gently put a hoof over her lips. “Twi, sweetheart? You’re doing it again.”

Twilight blushed faintly, removing my hoof. “Sorry... But it's not every day that I get to study a magical artifact like this, or talk to its sapient spirit. I’m just really excited...”

“So I had gathered.” Shadow let forth a long-suffering sigh. “If ‘tis any consolation, Midnight vexed me far more thoroughly than you have. However, might I suggest that we stick to the matter at hoof for now? If the Commander allows it, we may speak at length later.”

Twilight nodded, grinning at the spirit. “I would like that. But you’re right, we should focus on repairing your armor first.”

“Aye.” The shade took a seat. “What do you need to know to see the task done?”

“Hmm,” Twilight tapped her chin, and much to Shadow’s carefully concealed dismay pulled out another list. “To start with, it would be good to make sure I don't damage your spirit in any way.”

“Aye, I would prefer that you not cause irreparable damage to my home, consigning me to the oblivion of nonexistence.” If Shadow’s smile had been any drier I would’ve worried about dehydration. “Fortunately, avoiding that should be simple enough.” She waved her hoof, and a massive tangled collection of lines and runes appeared in the air. I knew just enough about magic from my West Hoof days to recognize that this was incredibly advanced stuff that was way over my head. “This houses my spirit. The spells are intact, so do not do anything to alter it and all will be well.”

“That sounds simple enough.” Twilight paused, her eyes narrowing as she studied the spellwork. “At least I think so, this is some pretty intricate stuff, and it's all interwoven together. I’ve never even seen anything like this before, unless you count a few of Celestia’s trademark touches like right here.” She pointed at one particularly tangled and complex bit of spellwork. “That right there? Classic Celestia. And I can see at least two other ponies’ hoofprints on this. That would be Sunbeam Sparkle and Morning Star, right?”

“Aye,” Shadow answered shortly. “I should caution that ‘twould be unwise to study it too closely.”

I could’ve told Shadow not to waste her breath. Telling Twilight not to study a complicated piece of magic works about as well as setting a kid in front of a giant box of candy, then telling them not to eat any of it.

Sure enough, Twilight kept right at it. “Well, it doesn't seem to be a danger to my sanity, so I think it should be okay. And this bit right here actually looks really important. Actually, from what I can tell almost all of the armor’s enchantments link into this spell matrix. Which would make sense when you’re the one managing it, except that—”

Twilight abruptly cut herself off as Shadow removed the image. She shot a faintly annoyed frown at my ancestor, then shook her head. “Alright, alright, fine. It would’ve helped if you let me figure out exactly how the armor was made, but I suppose I can manage with what I know. It’s just that...” She trailed off uncertainly.

“Something wrong?” I gently prompted her.

Shadow cut in before she could answer. “Pray, simply repair the armor for now. Do not ask further questions about how it functions, how it contains my spirit, or anything else not needed for the task. The Commander designed the spell matrices to be self-repairing, so it should not prove o’erly difficult for you to speed the process along.”

Twilight’s frown remained firmly in place. “Well, if you're sure that’s all you want me to do, then fine. Though I bet if you let me really study it I could find a way to improve the design. Not that I have any issues with Celestia’s work, but it is nine hundred years old. There have been all kinds of advances since then. Celestia herself could probably improve a lot on her old work.”

“She has already done so on several occasions,” Shadow answered shortly. “You may discuss the matter with her at some later time, if you wish. For now, ‘tis enough to simply repair it.”

Twilight sighed and nodded. “Alright. I'll do that then.”

“My thanks.” She shot a prompting look at the two of us. “If there is nothing else...?”

Twilight hesitated, shuffling her hooves. “Um, thanks for letting Storm wear your armor. I know it means a lot to her.”

“But of course,” Shadow answered almost dismissively. “Though I did that for her sake, not yours. She had need of my armor to protect you. Her devotion does her credit.”

I suppressed another twinge of jealousy. It was hard not to be a bit irked every time I thought about the fact that Shadow had let Storm take the armor in battle, but apparently my devotion to protecting all of Canterlot from an army of invading bugs wasn’t good enough. Sure, maybe I’d subconsciously wanted the armor to rub it in the faces of all the ponies who said I wasn’t a good member of the clan, but so what? Everypony has baggage.

I tried to distract myself from that resentful train of thought with a little light teasing. I grinned and nudged Twilight’s shoulder. “Sooo ... Storm’s devotion to you, huh?”

Twilight met me with an unamused glower. “She's my bodyguard. And also straight, as far as I can tell.”

“Suuuure she is.” Maybe it’s my biases speaking, but I don’t think anypony’s one hundred percent any sexual orientation. Sure, everypony has their preferences, but if I had a bit for every ‘straight’ mare I managed to talk into hopping into bed with me, I’d have ... well, enough to buy myself a nice new hat or something. If I wore hats, that is. Point is, Storm could certainly be ninety-nine percent straight with a giant one percent exception named Twilight Sparkle.

And even if she wasn’t, teasing them both was just too much fun for me to quit.

As if to prove my point, Twilight frowned at me, and a hint of an oppressed whine entered her voice. “Cloooud! In front of your ancestor and everything?!”

Shadow caught my eyes, fixing me with a rather pointed scowl. “I fear my descendant has too much of Gale’s irreverent spirit in her.” She turned to Twilight, shaking her head. “I suppose I can be sure you are not the sire of Cloud's foal, at least.”

I stared at the spirit, trying to wrap my brain around what she’d just said. “My what?!”

Twilight started coughing on empty air. “C-can we go back and explain what you just said?”

“Yeah,” I quickly agreed. “I must have misheard you, because it sounded like you just said I was pregnant, and that can’t be—”

“Thou art,” Shadow cut me off. “Thou didst not know? Surely thou couldst not have been blind to the signs...”

Okay, it was true I’d been getting morning sickness—that is, nausea that happened primarily in the morning, not morning sickness. And I suppose I had put on a couple pounds, But that’s no reason to think... “This is a joke, right? You’re messing with me.”

“I am not.”

“Well you must be!” I snapped. “Because I'm not pregnant!”

“Thou art.” Shadow regarded me with implacable calm. “Thy denial does not change the reality.”

“Wait wait wait!” Twilight cut in. “How would you know if Cloud was pregnant?”

Shadow turned to face her. “I know everything regarding the physical state of those interacting with the armor. Some of its spells are intended to mitigate wounds and allow the wearer to carry on when others would fall. And of course, I must also know if potential wearers are physically capable of using the armor.” She paused, then nodded to me. “And of course, I would be most hesitant to allow a pregnant mare to go to war. Putting aside the fact that pregnancy weakens one’s combat skills, new life is precious and should be protected.”

Twilight thoughtfully looked me over, her eyes lingering pointedly on my belly. I groaned and ran a hoof down my face. “Oh come on! Seriously, Twilight? You already told me the armor’s damaged and needs to be fixed, this is probably just some kind of malfunction.”

The princess cleared her throat. “You know, I can double check. I have a basic health monitoring spell that would be able to tell if you’re pregnant or not. Plus your body temperature, pulse, current blood pressure, and a lot of other stuff.”

I thought it over for a moment, then shrugged. “Yeah, okay. Cast the spell, just so we can officially say that I’m not pregnant, and get to work fixing the armor.”

“Right.” She nodded, and a moment later her horn lit up. Her magic swirled around me for a few seconds, and it was actually pretty pleasant, feeling like a rush of lukewarm water and pins and needles. Twilight’s eyes widened a bit as the spell ended. “Um, you are indeed pregnant.”

“Then the spell must be wrong too,” I snapped. “I dunno, maybe the fact that we’re still interacting with Shadow’s armor is throwing your magic off?”

“Which seems more likely, descendant?” Shadow asked, quirking an eyebrow. “That the both of us are wrong, or that thou art simply denying the truth staring thee in the face?”

Twilight nodded sharply. “I think I know how to cast my spells, Cloud. If something was interfering with my magic, I would know. And the odds of something interfering with my magic just to give me a false positive on a pregnancy detection spell, and an ancient magical artifact malfunctioning in a way that only results in it thinking you’re pregnant without anything else being wrong with it are...” She tapped her hooves a few times, doing the math in her head. “Two hundred eighty five thousand to one.”

“You’re just making those numbers up.” I glowered at her, then shifted my glare to Shadow. “Besides, you’re both wrong. Because I can't be pregnant!”

Twilight sighed and shook her head. “Unless there is something you haven't told me, you should biologically be capable.”

“But—”

Shadow joined Twilight in piling it on. “And thou art certainly spending enough time in the beds of others for pregnancy to follow...”

“But I—”

“And you do love each other,” Twilight followed up. “Plus everything else you're up to. Remember those special potions I made for you a month back?”

Oh. Right. “Well, we used protection!”

“Most contraceptives do have a very small failure rate,” Twilight countered. “And if half of what you claim about your sex life is true, even with a less than one percent failure rate, you’re past due for a pregnancy as far as playing the odds goes.”

I stared at both of them, my jaw dropping as the awful, horrible truth sank in. “Shadow’s feathering teats, I’m pregnant!”

Author's Note

As always, thanks to my pre-reading and editing team for all their hard work. Also, I would like to thank all my dedicated Patreon supporters. You guys are awesome.

Click here if you want to join the list of awesome people who support my writing.

Aidan Hall
Benjamin McLaren
Brayden
Brion Wauters
Christopher A Cope
Combine
Comma-Kazie
Cyanhyde
DaB.
David Han
Deep Cover
Dixie Daley
djthomp
Emlyn Costilow
FallenAngelXy
Jade Walters
James Miller
Jeffrey Martin
Justin Emery
MoistGooDragon
Patrick
Ponibius
Steven Ilten
TheAccidentalBrony
Trinary
waritah
Zennyth

It All Comes Tumbling Down

My memories of what happened after I got the big news are a bit fuzzy. I’m not exactly sure how I wound up locked in my bathroom with a dozen of those disposable pregnancy test kits. Though I can make a pretty good guess: after finding out I was pregnant I probably bolted from the palace, raided Bargain Barn, and then ran to the bathroom to check the results.

Sure, Princess Twilight bucking Sparkle and Shadow feathering Kicker had both confirmed that I had a bun in the oven, but it was still possible that they were both wrong. I mean, it’s not like either of them were professional doctors or anything. And even docs make mistakes sometimes. Getting a pregnancy test to triple-check was only prudent.

Oh. That one turned out positive too. Well, false positives do happen. That’s why I’d bought spares. You know, just in case the first five or six were defective.

Okay, so maybe there was some wishful thinking going on. Who can blame me, though? I mean, the last thing I wanted was to be pregnant.

I wasn’t exactly keeping track of the time, but I’d probably been in there for a couple hours when Fluttershy knocked on the door. “Cloud? Is everything okay?”

Considering I was locked in my own bathroom, surrounded by discarded pregnancy tests and rocking back and forth with my forelegs wrapped around my hind ones, I would have to say I was a pretty long way away from okay. However, since I didn’t want anypony seeing me in my current state, I lied. “Yes yes, it's fine. Everything's fine. I’m just fine. Never been finer. How are you doing?”

My voice came out so nervous and high-strung that even I didn’t believe myself, so naturally nopony else did either. I heard a hushed murmur of conversation on the other side of the door, and then Blossom spoke up. “Cloudy? Can we talk? Twilight said you got some really big news that you needed to discuss with us.”

Oh. I guess I should’ve known Twilight would point them in my direction without giving away the big news. That was the classy, princessly thing to do.

Moments later somepony who was the exact opposite of classy and princessly started pounding on the bathroom door. “Cloud?” Rainbow’s scratchy tomboy voice called out. “Come on, CK, open up! Unless you're barfing again. But whatever it is—talk to us! And I mean really talk to us. If everything was fine you'd be out there on the job lecturing me about not being out on the job. But we aren't, so I know you're full of it. So come out already!”

“I ... I'm fine in here.” I double-checked that the door was locked, not that Rainbow would let a locked door stop her if she really wanted to get in. “Yes. Fine. Nothing wrong at all. My life certainly hasn't gone completely insane lately.” I let out a high-pitched giggle that seemed incredibly out of place and inappropriate. “Never been better. I’m just the happiest that I’ve ever been, and I’m a pretty happy pony. I remember this one time—”

“Oookay...” Blossom cut in, her hooves shuffling on the carpet outside. “Glad to know you’re alright. So let's talk about how awesome and not insane it is that you’ve locked yourself in the bathroom and refuse to come out.”

Rainbow, unsurprisingly, was far less diplomatic. “Whooo boy, that's not a good sign. Did you hear the way she laughed? Last time I heard a laugh like that, it was right before Twilight put a spell on half the town. I don’t even wanna know what happens when Cloud snaps that bad.”

I could practically hear the frown in Blossom’s voice. “You know she can hear you, right?”

“And your point is?”

I distinctly heard the sound of Blossom’s face meeting her hoof. “Shadow's teats, Rainbow...”

While the two of them carried on, Fluttershy very gently rapped on the bathroom door again. “Please, Cloud, open the door. I would really appreciate it if you would just talk to us about what’s bothering you, because now I’m really starting to worry about you. Don’t you trust me enough to let me help you?”

Ouch, Fluttershy was laying down the guilt trip. She really was going to be a natural when it came to motherho ... mother ... AGH!

I couldn’t do this. I just could not handle this right now. Or ever, really. All I really wanted to was just turn back the clock so I wouldn’t be pregnant anymore.

And that’s when the answer hit me. “Wait wait, I can still fix this. It's all okay, and nothing's gonna change because I can definitely fix it. I'll just go by the hospital tomorrow and... yeah. Problem solved.” I took several deep breaths, slowly managing to calm down my racing heart and restore myself to something resembling normalcy. Then, after a moment’s hesitation I reached forward and unlocked the bathroom door.

An instant after I opened the door Blossom barged in, latching onto me with a hug that would’ve made Dinky or Pinkie proud. “Hospital?! What about the hospital?”

Fluttershy came in right behind her, grabbing the side Blossom hadn’t taken. “Is your stomach still bothering you? Do you have a fever now? Did you get sick while you were visiting Twilight, and that’s how she knew you needed help? But it must be even worse than it was before if you didn’t even want us to see ... except you look fine now.”

Rainbow was, of course, far too cool to actually hug me and fuss over me. Or at least, she wouldn’t do it in front of so many witnesses unless she had some sort of excuse. Though she still found plenty of ways to let me know she cared. “You wanna go to the hospital? Darn it, I knew there was something wrong with you! Come on, hop on my back and I’ll get you over there so fast you won’t even know you’re there. Or are you so sick you need to stay here? ‘Cause I can fly the best doctor in Canterlot over here in 15 seconds!” Her eyes flicked around the room, and more words started tumbling out of her mouth. “What’s wrong, anyway? I gotta know what kind of doctor I need to grab, right? Or should I just get one of those super-egghead doctors who knows everything? Where do I find one of them?”

I took a deep breath, steeled myself, and tried to deliver the news. Then I tried a couple more times, before I finally managed to blurt it out. “I ... I ... I'm pregnant.”

Blossom blinked in shock, her head slowly tilting to the side as she tried to wrap her brain around what I’d just said. Fluttershy’s hooves went over her mouth as she let out a shocked gasp. However, Rainbow was the first one to recover enough from the shock to actually say something, blurting out, “I knew you were getting fat!”

Blossom’s eyes shot down to my belly, looking at it like she expected something to burst out of it at any minute. “You’re puh ... preg ... what?”

Eepy’s forelegs tightened around me, until it felt more like I was receiving one of Pinkie’s excessively enthusiastic hugs. “Oh my goodness! Are you sure?”

I glanced back into the bathroom, where there were more than a dozen positive pregnancy tests scattered on the floor. “Pretty sure, yeah.”

Fluttershy released me from her hug/death grip, gently tugging me towards the couch. “Come out here and sit down, this is wonderful news.”

Rainbow grinned and slapped me on the back with a wing. “Ohmygosh you're pregnant! This is ... wow. Just ... wow.” She paused for moment, then declared, “Dibs on being the kid’s godmom. Derpy’ll tell you how awesome a job I did with Dinky. This is gonna be so awesome!”

“That’s...” I tried to think of a diplomatic way to say it, but after everything I’d been through I was in no condition to mince words or gently build up to the news. “You don’t need to worry about who the godmother’s going to be, Rainbow. That’s why I’m going to the hospital.”

That finally seemed to snap Blossom out of the daze she’d been in ever since I’d dropped the baby bombshell. “Hold on, what?”

“You know...” I tried to soften the blow a little bit. “That’s why I’m going to the hospital tomorrow. To make it so I'm not pregnant anymore. I mean, back when I was still the wild mare around town I made plans for this kinda thing. You know, just in case something like this happened.”

Fluttershy’s jaw dropped in shock, and she started tearing up. “But-but that's—Cloud, you can't do that! It's your foal!”

“No.” Blossom glowered at me, her eyes moistening even as an angry growl entered her voice. “That's our baby she’s talking about.”

I couldn’t really argue with that—I was ninety-nine percent sure that Blossom or Eepy was the sire, after all. Though figuring out which one of them was the DNA donor promised to be a nice, drama-filled can of worms I really didn’t want to open. Which was all the more reason not to have a kid in the first place. “Guys ... c'mon, really? I ... I'd ... I can't...”

“Can't what, Cloud?” Blossom snapped out, her scowl widening as her anger got to the point that it bucked the usual trend—she was so mad that she didn’t look cute at all. “Say it!”

“I can't be a mom, okay!” I shouted back. “Are you happy now?”

Rainbow fidgeted uncomfortably, her eyes flicking towards the door. “Look, uh, I might be the odd-pony out here, but maybe you should guys should just chill for a minute? I mean, this is ... wow. Still kinda wrapping my head around this. Just saying...”

Blossom grunted, barely acknowledging Rainbow’s remark and not showing me any mercy with her death glare. “I'll chill when Cloud has her head on straight, Rainbow. I’ll chill when she stops being a stupid, un—”

Our boss put a hoof over Blossom’s mouth to cut her off. “Hey, what you’re doing right now? That’s the opposite of chilling.”

While Blossom glared daggers at myself and Rainbow, Fluttershy stepped in to play peacemaker. “I’m sure what Blossomforth meant to say is that Cloud could be a wonderful mother.” She gently put a reassuring hoof on my shoulder. “I’m sure this is all very overwhelming and frightening, but you shouldn’t let that scare you so much that you run away before giving yourself a fair chance. You have everything you need to be a good parent. You're responsible. You’re great with kids. You have a good job to provide for the child.” She leaned over and gently nuzzled me. “And you have two loving partners who will support you every step of the way.”

“But...” I tried to find some way to explain why she was wrong, but was having a hard time coming up with a good counter to all her facts and logic. Compared to everything she said, something like ‘but I don’t want to have a kid’ just sounded really lame and insufficient, even though that was what the issue really boiled down to.

While I fumbled for an answer, Fluttershy continued to bull over me with her brutally effective gentle nurturing. “Cloud, why don’t you sit down for a few minutes and think this through. Here, let me make you some nice, calming tea, and then we can talk this over.”

I probably should’ve fought back, but nopony can stand up to Fluttershy for very long. “I am a little thirsty...”

Fluttershy smiled and gave me a quick nuzzle, then trotted into the kitchen. Blossom apparently decided to follow her gameplan, because instead of arguing she put a wing over my shoulder and gently guided me over to the couch. Once we were there she carefully helped down to the cushions, then took a seat next to me. Neither one of us said anything—I’m not even sure either one of us could’ve come up with anything worth saying. She just held me.

I’m not sure how long the two us sat there like that before Rainbow snapped me out of it, waving a hoof in front of my face. “Hellooo! Equestria to Cloud Kicker. You still with us, Cloud?”

“Yuh,” I grunted out, feeling rather dazed.

Blossom let out a humorless chuckle. “I know exactly how you feel.”

Rainbow took a deep breath, then gave me an awkward pat on the shoulder. “Okay ... look. S'gonna be okay, alright? Whatever happens. You got me in your corner, so you know it'll all work out, you hear me? ‘Cause you’re one of my gal-pals, and I never leave my friends hanging when they need me.”

I slowly snapped out of my shock, and gave Rainbow the best smile I could manage. “Yeah, I know. Thanks, Dash.”

Rainbow grinned and immodestly brushed a hoof along her chest. “S'what I do.”

Before I could come up with something witty to deflate Rainbow’s ego, Fluttershy called out from the kitchen. “Did you want anything to go with your tea, Cloud? And does anypony else want anything to drink? It’s no trouble at all since I’m already in here...”

“Maybe some milk, sugar, and a little lemon to go with it?” To be honest I wasn’t a very big tea drinker, so anything that made my tea taste a bit less like tea was welcome. I would’ve asked for something else, but Eepy had offered tea and I’m just a little Flutterwhipped.

One of Blossom’s hooves dropped down to rest over my belly. “Could I get one too? And actual tea for me, not a few tea leaves mixed with a ton of other stuff.” She smirked at me. “What can I say? Fluttershy has me hooked on the stuff.”

Thankfully, Rainbow had better judgement. “Got any cider?”

My ears perked up at the request. “Good idea. Get me one too. Actually, just bring out however much I’ve got in the icebox. After the day I’ve been having, I’m gonna need it all.”

I heard Fluttershy open my fridge. “Oh, sorry, the only cider you have in here is hard, and I don’t think that would be a good idea right now. We all need to be thinking with clear heads, and alcohol isn't healthy for the foal. In fact, I should probably take all the hard cider out of here, just to be safe.”

“Oh come on!” I whined. “I’ve got a dozen bottles of Applejack’s best stuff that I’ve been saving for my birthday!”

“I’ll take it!” Rainbow immediately volunteered, not even bothering to hide her avaricious glee. “I mean, it seems a shame to just throw it out, right? Might as well give it to somepony who can appreciate it.”

I glowered at her, not that it bothered Dash in the slightest. “Getting drunk would make this so much easier to deal with.”

Rainbow smirked and slapped me on the back. “You've already been throwing up enough without getting smashed. Leave the cider to me. I promise I’ll take good care of it and think of you each time I drink one.” She grabbed her saddlebags and upended them, dumping out a dog-eared Daring Do paperback, several random bits of Wonderbolts merchandise, and some paperwork I’d turned into her last month that she’d evidently never bothered to file. “Besides, getting it out of the house is good for kids and stuff. I’m doing you a favor, really.”

“You’re all heart.” I watched as she rushed into my kitchen and started loading her bags up with my precious, delicious hard cider. “How is it that you didn’t get the Element of Generosity along with the Element of Loyalty?”

She shrugged. “I guess there’s a one-per-pony limit on ‘em unless you’re Celestia or Luna. But I think Twi said something about how they work better with more ponies anyway.” She shoved the last of my cider bottles into her bags, which were positively bulging by now. “Oh, I got the rest of your booze too. Y’know, just keeping things safe.”

“Gee, thanks.” There’s something really twisted about the fact that when I really needed a feathering drink, I wasn’t allowed to have one.

I groaned and ran a hoof over my face. I was only a social drinker, but the idea of spending most of a year in enforced sobriety was very unappealing. Especially since the number one way to make me want something is to say that I’m not allowed to have it. Hay, if Blossom and Eepy wanted me to keep the kid, their best bet would be to bring my mom back to life and have her order me to get rid of it. I’d probably crank out a dozen foals just to spite her.

Yeah, I’ve got issues.

Blossom stared down at my belly as if she were expecting it to start swelling up like a balloon.. “So ... um. How did this...?”

“I’m gonna take a wild guess that it’s a result of all that sex we’ve been having,” I deadpanned. “I’ve heard that some scientists think there might be a link between sex and pregnancy.”

That got a weak snort of laughter out of Blossom. “Yeah, okay, I deserved that one. But I meant how did you find out about it? I’m guessing Twilight was involved.”

“Yeah,” I thought about mentioning what happened with Shadow’s Armor, but decided against that. Shadow’s Armor was one of those Kicker things we usually didn’t talk that much about, and explaining all the details of how Shadow had spilled the beans would make it all way too long and complicated. Better to keep it simple. “Twilight used a diagnostic spell on me. Y’know, since I’d been sick for a while. And after she told me I kinda ... well, once I accepted that she hadn’t messed up the spells I went and got some tests to double-check it, and ... yeah.”

Fluttershy quietly trotted in and set the tea down in front of us. “I’m sure that must have been quite a shock. No wonder you were so upset when we found you.”

I picked up my tea, sipped it, then grimaced and added a bit more sugar and lemon to it. Still tasted too much like tea. “Well ... at least now I know why I was throwing up so much.”

“Yes, we do.” Fluttershy beamed at me and sipped her own tea, which she seemed to like despite it being actual tea. “And the good news is that there isn't anything wrong with you.”

“Far from it,” Blossom agreed, her eyes flicking down to my belly and a faint smile briefly passing across her lips.

I was tempted to argue the point, since from where I was sitting there was something pretty seriously wrong with me. I thought better of it after a moment; it would just start another argument about whether or not I was going to have the baby. And while that was probably inevitable, I really didn’t want to fight that issue out at the moment. Or ever, honestly. Shame that wouldn’t be an option.

Rainbow cleared her throat. “So, uh ... I guess you can take the rest of the week off. I mean, this is pretty big.”

“Yeah. Thanks, Dash.” I smiled gratefully and pulled her into a hug, which she returned with a sheepish chuckle. I pulled back from it when a thought struck me. “Er, the weather team health plan covers ... y'know...?” I waved a hoof vaguely, letting her fill in the blanks.

Contrary to what some ponies might think, Rainbow is capable of catching on to subtlety at times. “Yeah, you're covered. Whichever way you go with it. And we’ve got a pretty good maternity leave program, too.”

I let out a breath and nodded gratefully. “Okay. At least I don’t have to worry about money.” Getting knocked up was stressful enough on its own.

Rainbow grinned and poked me in the shoulder. “Get ready to spend the next couple months parking your butt behind a desk. I don’t want you flying all over the place and messing with the weather while you’ve got a bun in the oven, but there’s still a ton of paperwork to do. Maybe with you doing that stuff full-time I’ll finally catch up with all of it. And this way you’ll be able to stay on the job until you get so bloated you won’t be able to leave the house.”

I sighed and shook my head. “Hate to disappoint you, but I really don’t think I’ll be spending months lazing about and taking care of all those forms you never bother to file with HQ. First thing tomorrow I’ll head to the hospital to make an appointment, then it’s just do the procedure and fix this whole mess. Everything’ll be back to normal.”

Fluttershy bit her lip, then gently settled down next to me. “Cloud, I think we should discuss whether or not you’re going to have this foal.”

I sighed and reluctantly conceded the point, steeling myself for the argument to come. “Yeah, I guess we better. Just remember that this is my body, so it’s my decision. I’m willing to talk things through, but if what you’re planning is to browbeat or guilt trip me into having a kid I don’t want...”

Blossom grimaced and gently poked my belly. “It’s not all about you. Two ponies made this happen, Cloud.”

Fluttershy nodded along. “One of us is the sire of the foal. Don’t you think we should have some say in what happens to it?”

“Of course you should.” I tried to contain my irritation at having them team up on me. “That's why we're sitting down and talking it over in the first place. I’m just saying that it’s my decision whether or not I spend the next however many months carrying around a kid.”

Rainbow looked between the three of us, awkwardly shifting on her hooves. “Um, do you want me to clear out? I mean, this is kinda a private family thing, and I’m really not involved in any of this. I mean, I’m your friend and all, but I’m not...” She waved a hoof through in a vague circular motion as she struggled to come up with the right words.

“Pregnant or one of the potential sires of the foal in question?” I provided.

“Yeah, that,” she agreed. “I mean, I kinda feel like the odd pony out. Or the host of one of those trashy radio shows where they get a bunch of ponies together and do a lineage test to find out who the kid’s sire is.”

Fluttershy softly giggled, then looked at me. “Rainbow’s one of my best friends, so I wouldn’t mind hearing what she thinks. What about you, Cloud? Do you want her here for this?

I thought it over for a moment, then shrugged. “Same as you. I don't mind having Dash here if she wants to be.” If nothing else, Rainbow seemed a bit more willing to at least hear me out. Plus it was probably a good idea to have someone who could be something resembling a moderating presence in the whole discussion. Rainbow wouldn’t be anypony’s first choice for a calm neutral party, but she was here.

Blossom threw in her two bits to make it official. “I think having Rainbow here would be a good idea. She helped a lot the last time Cloud was ... um...” Her eyes flicked to me, and she wisely decided not to finish that sentence. “Well, it's a good call.”

Fluttershy moved in to try and smooth my ruffled feathers from Blossom’s less than diplomatic remark. “Now now, I know we all care about you and want what’s best for you. Blossomforth might be a bit upset, but that’s only because she loves you so much and doesn’t want you to make a bad decision.” She started gently rubbing my back in a slow, soothing pattern. “Now, when you told us you were pregnant I thought this was wonderful news, but you obviously don’t agree. Why don’t you tell us what has you so scared about having a foal?”

“I'm not scared!” I snapped out, sounding so defensive that I didn’t even believe myself. I took a breath and tried to calm down. “I just ... I don't want a kid. I mean ... look at where we are right now. This isn't the time for one.”

“Why not?” Blossom demanded, stubbornly meeting my eyes. “We look pretty good to me. I don’t see any reason we wouldn’t be able to have a kid. We’re good on money, and we’ve been together for two years now. I’d call that pretty stable.”

“And I would love to have a foal,” Fluttershy chimed in. “I’ve always dreamed of being a mother some day.” She gently rubbed my stomach. “And especially having a foal with you.”

Okay, that sounded really sweet, and I always figured Fluttershy would be a great mother. And I suppose I wasn’t opposed to having kids with her some day. Just not now. Or anytime soon. Plus I kinda assumed that when/if we ever had kids, she would be carrying them. I mean, Fluttershy always seemed like the kind of mare who’d just be radiantly happy while pregnant. Me ... yeah, I was gonna be gross, barfing, and utterly miserable. “I mean, c'mon. Me? A mother? There's no way that would work.”

“What if it was me or Fluttershy that was carrying?” Blossom demanded, seeming to have read my thoughts. “Would you be telling us to get rid of our foal then? Is this about you not wanting a kid, or are you just afraid that being pregnant would cramp your style?”

I decided not to address the accusation, mostly because I didn’t want to lie and admitting the truth would probably make me look bad. I’d seen everything Derpy went through during her pregnancy, and I wasn’t enthusiastic to experience it myself. Sure, she always said that getting Dinky had been worth the morning sickness, cramps, constant tiredness, swollen hooves, sore teats, and everything else, but...

Instead, I just focused on the issue of how I’d react if she were pregnant. “Well, it'd be your decision. If you asked me what I wanted, I'd probably suggest the same thing. I mean ... having a kid is a really big change. One we’re not ready for, regardless of whose belly the foal is in.”

“You still haven’t said why we’re not ready,” Blossom grumbled, though I could spot a hint of fear in her eyes as well. “I mean, plenty of ponies get married and have kids after two years of dating. And I thought our relationship was going really well—we were already talking about moving in together.” She glowered and poked me in the chest. “So why aren’t we ready? If there’s something wrong, why not tell me about it?”

I held up my hooves in mock surrender. “Nothing’s wrong.”

“Then why aren’t we ready to have a foal?!”

“Um...”

Rainbow pointedly cleared her throat, and I shot her a grateful look for coming to my rescue. Well, for a certain value of rescue. “I dunno if you guys have noticed, but Cloud does kinda have a problem with change. I mean, how long it did it take her to stop regretting not joining the Guard? Not until she got Celestia to give her some made-up punishment she felt like she deserved for some stupid reason. And that’s small potatoes compared to having a kid—I mean, Derpy’s entire life got turned completely upside down when she had Dinky.”

“But it all worked out for the best,” Fluttershy chimed in. “Derpy’s so happy with her daughters. And I think we’ll be happy too, once we work out all the problems. Unless...” Fluttershy worried at her lower lip. “Cloud, you do want to have our foals, don’t you?”

I sighed and wrapped one wing around each of my lovers. “Girls, I want you both to understand that saying I don’t want this kid doesn’t mean I don’t want you or your kids. Got that? I’m just saying that while I’d like for us to have your kids some day as long as everything keeps working out, now’s not the best time.”

“Then when?” Fluttershy asked, her eyes firm even though her voice remained soft. “What's going to change five or ten years down the road from now? I know we would make a beautiful foal, Cloud. And I want to see it. Soon.”

Blossom wrapped a foreleg around my back and pulled me closer. “Cloud, I know this probably isn’t what you had planned for us. I know I didn’t expect it either. But maybe that’s for the best. I know it’s a big change, but we shouldn’t let that scare us off. Change can be a good thing.”

Rainbow cracked open one of my former bottles of cider, took a sip, then rubbed her forehead. “Look, I’m not gonna tell you what you should do. I mean, I think you having a kid would be awesome, but that’s your choice to make. But whatever you choose, I don't want you regretting it five, ten years down the line, always revisiting it and wishing you did the other thing. You’ve done enough of that to yourself.”

I flinched, because that one hit way too close to home. I’d spent pretty much every day after I ran out on the Guard regretting my decision and wishing I’d stuck with it. After all, dropping out had really messed up my relationship with my family and thrown my life into chaos. If not for Rainbow helping me out I probably wouldn’t have landed on my hooves and gotten a good job as easily as I had.

“Cloud.” Blossom leaned over and gently nuzzled me. “You never really answered Fluttershy’s question. Why do you think you aren’t ready for kids?’

I let out a frustrated sigh, and my answer was a little snippy. “Because I’m not, okay? I don’t have to write a multi-page essay explaining myself. I. Don’t. Want. Kids. Yet. That’s all there is to it. Besides, even if I did want kids, what do I know about being a mom? Nothing.”

Fluttershy stubbornly shook her head. “I don’t think Dinky and Sparkler would agree with that. Derpy always says you’re a really big help with them.”

“Yeah, I did some foalsitting for Dinky and talked a couple things over with Sparkler that she wasn’t comfortable talking about with her mother.” Mostly sex stuff. Nopony likes talking about sex with their mother. I still have nightmares about when Mom had to give me The Talk. That was ... there are no words to describe the experience of my stiff, emotionally closed-off, and demanding mother explaining the facts of life to me. Not helped by the fact that this all happened after I’d figured out way too much of it on my own.

I groaned and hastily pushed those memories aside. “Look, there's a big difference between helping out with somepony else's kids and raising them yourself. I get to go over and visit for a couple hours, play a game or two with Dinky, and then I go home before the kids’ bedtime. And whenever something big comes up it’s Derpy’s decision to make, not mine. You can’t go home and leave the hard choices up to somepony else when they’re your kids.”

“What about with Alula?” Rainbow demanded.

“'Lula's my sister,” I answered. “That's completely different.”

Rainbow stubbornly set her hooves. “Yeah, but you still stepped up and were there for her after your mom died.”

“Yes. I was there for her. As her sister. Plus Dad was still there to handle all the parental stuff.”

Fluttershy sighed patiently and tried a different tactic. “Well, who really knows about becoming a parent before they actually have children? I had to learn a lot about taking care of animals by actually doing it.”

Blossom nodded along. “And helping Derpy with her kids gave you more practice than most ponies in your position would get.”

“Maybe.” My ears drooped as another thought struck me. “I remember reading somewhere that kids learn how to be parents from their own parents...”

Yeah, there was a depressing thought. Out of all the possible futures I could look forward to, one where I wound up being a frigid, demanding nag who pushed my kids into having a nervous breakdown sounded pretty awful. I know they always says kids grow up to be more and more like their parents as they get older, but the idea of becoming like Mom was just ... no.

I suppose I could always go to Derpy for advice. To be honest, I kinda wished she was present for this talk. After all, she had first-hoof experience with the subject of unplanned pregnancy. If anypony could understand what I was going through, it would be her. Maybe I could go talk things over with her once I was done with Blossom, Eepy, and Rainbow.

Blossom didn’t say anything, but her eyes lingering on the floor said plenty. I felt like a bit of a mule once I realized what I’d done. Nice move, me. Tell the orphan that only ponies who have parents know how to raise kids. Blossom wasn’t a giant ball of orphan-related issues or anything, but a scar is still gonna be a little tender when somepony starts poking it.

Thankfully, Rainbow swooped in to distract both of us before things got awkward. “I don’t think I buy that. I mean, look at me. Am I anything like my moms? Nope. I’m awesome in my own uniquely awesome way.”

“Exactly,” Fluttershy agreed with a satisfied nod. “I can’t imagine you would ever push your child to join the military if they weren’t sure it was what they wanted. And I can’t imagine you would ever be as ... erm ... well ... compared to your mother...”

“Judgemental?” I suggested. “Frigid? Demanding? Incapable of showing an ounce of affection? Determined to treat my own children like underperforming cadets? Or—”

Rainbow held up a hoof to cut me off. “I think we got it, Kicker.” She rolled her eyes. “But that’s the point. You learned from all that, and you’re gonna do a way better job. Plus you’ve got other ponies to learn from, like your aunt and uncle, or Derpy. And me, of course. Do I treat Dinky the way my parents treat me?”

I smirked and gave her a teasing nudge. “Well, you do rain affection down on her just like your parents did to you last time they visited. The only difference is that she's young enough that she still enjoys it instead of being embarrassed by it.”

Rainbow displayed her maturity and poise by sticking her tongue out at me. “That's totally different. My moms are awesome and all, but something they can get a bit ... gah.”

“While Dinky will never stop loving it when you hug her and tell her how great she is,” I shot back. “Loudly. And in public. Even when she’s a teenager, she’ll love that. Especially if you do it in front of her friends.”

“Shut up,” Rainbow grumbled.

Blossom loudly cleared her throat. “Her point is, she remembers how her mothers raised her, but that doesn't mean she has to do exactly the same thing.” Blossom shot a grin Rainbow’s way. “Though she can certainly choose to do that.”

Tempting as it was to continue poking fun at Rainbow, I decided to concede the argument. “Okay, point taken. Rainbow’s right, ponies don’t have to raise their kids the way their parents raised them.”

Rainbow grinned, apparently satisfied enough by my admitting that she was right to forget about all the teasing she’d just been subjected to. When in doubt, stroking her ego is never a bad move to keep her happy.

“And you're a very loving pony,” Fluttershy continued Blossom’s train of thought. “I can’t imagine you being less than completely loving and supportive of your child.”

“Of course I would.” Way back when I’d first had my falling out with my mother, I’d resolved to be a way better parent if I ever had kids. Admittedly, my motives hadn’t been entirely altruistic; a part of me had wanted to stick it to her by showing how I could do a better job. But it’s not like I only wanted to get back at her or anything. It had just been the uglier part of my thought process. Everypony has those. “I would be the best damn mother I could manage. I mean, it's not like I'm thinking about not having the kid because I wouldn't love it or anything. I just ... I’m not ready for a kid right now.”

Fluttershy wrapped a wing around me and pulled me into a gentle hug. “I think we know what’s really bothering you, Cloud. There’s nothing wrong with being scared about having a baby. It’s a big, scary change.”

I was halfway to snapping out a denial when I realized just how angry and defensive Fluttershy’s statement made me feel. And her innocent remark probably wouldn’t have gotten under my skin anywhere near as much as it had unless she was onto something. So I slowed down, took a couple breaths, and thought it over for a moment. “Yeah, maybe I am. I mean, who wouldn't be scared by something like this?”

Blossom groaned and ran a hoof over her face. “So the only reason you don't want to become a mother right now is because you're afraid of becoming a mother? Well at least now we know what the problem is...”

Rainbow hesitated a moment, then spoke slowly and carefully enough that I knew it was a warning she was about to say something blunt and tactless. She’s consistent that way. “Well, Cloud, I have to say—when you get scared? You make some of your dumbest moves.”

Blunt and tactless? Check. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Just that you kinda have a habit of doing this,” she explained. “When you get scared and start freaking out, you do the first thing that pops into your head and it's usually the wrong thing. Like your graduation. I'm glad you didn't go into the guard, but you didn't sit down and go, ‘Here are the reasons why I don't want to join,’ you just panicked and bolted.”

I snorted angrily. “Look, that was a one-time—”

“Or when you proposed to me because you were scared of losing me,” Fluttershy added.

“Not to mention how you dithered back and forth between me and Derpy for months because you were scared of losing either one of us,” Blossom said.

“And let’s not forget about when you thought your Mom was a traitor and you were scared how'd that affect your clan,” Rainbow concluded.

“Okay! Okay!” Sheesh, I hadn’t expected them to all pile on with so many examples. Was I really that prone to making bad decisions whenever I was frightened? Maybe I should work on fixing that. “So maybe I made a few bad calls in the past...”

“And this is too important to make a bad call on,” Fluttershy insisted, resting a hoof on my belly. “Because it’s not just your life you’re deciding on.”

“And that means not making a snap decision,” Rainbow continued. “Or any kind of decision until you’ve had enough time to chill out. If you had come in here all panicked and said, ‘I gotta have this kid cuz this is my last chance, I can feel my biowhatsit clock ticking' or whatever, I would've said that would've been the wrong move too. Kids are way too important for you to make a decision either way without thinking things through.” She sighed and shook her head. “Now, I'm not telling you what to do. Have the kid, don't have the kid—it’s your call ... even though being a godmom again would be totally sweet. But whatever you decide, don't decide it because you're scared. You can’t afford to make the wrong decision on this.”

I nodded along, reluctantly admitting to myself that she had a point. “It’s probably not the most flattering statement that I always make horrible decisions when I'm scared. Though I think I might have to admit that Dash has a point.” I chuckled and gave Rainbow a teasing poke in the chest. “When did you get so smart? And deep?”

“She probably picked it up through osmosis,” Blossom snarked. “She's friends with Twilight Sparkle, after all. Some of that was bound to rub off on her eventually.”

“No, Blossom.” I smirked over at Rainbow. “Pinkie is the one who’s rubbing herself off on Dash, not Twilight. Well, unless there’s some secret threesomes I don’t know about. And I’m pretty sure that’s not happening, because there’s no way Twilight could hide that from Storm, and Storm would be way happier if she was watching her old crush bang her new crush.”

Rainbow groaned and rolled her eyes. “Oh ha ha, you guys. Also, ha. And seriously, Storm isn’t into me or Twilight. Cloud just assumes she is ‘cause everything’s always about sex with her, so of course Storm’s lusting after us instead of just thinking I’m cool or being a good bodyguard.” She let out an offended huff. “Anyway, I can be plenty smart all on my own! Maybe I’m not good at all the egghead stuff, but that doesn’t mean I’m dumb!”

“Alright, alright!” Blossom held up a placating hoof. “You know we're just joking with you, Rainbow.” She gave our boss a teasing nudge. “You've got it where it counts. When it comes to flying and managing the weather, you always take care of things. More importantly, you always come through when ponies need you the most. And you are actually pretty smart when you use your head.”

I couldn’t resist the opportunity for a little more snark. “Though it would help if your idea of using your head wasn’t headbutting things.”

Rainbow answered me with a playful glare and a muttered, “Watch it, Kicker, or I’ll start using my head on you.”

“Yeah, yeah, we all know you’re just itching to get your head all up in my business.” I smirked and poked her in the chest again. “But relax, we still think you’re awesome, cool, and radical.”

“Aren’t those all the same thing?” Blossom naively asked.

I stepped in before Rainbow could correct her. “Awesomeness is Rainbow’s ability to inspire others by her incredible deeds and force of personality. Coolness is how she personally carries herself in a way that makes everypony want to be more like her. Radicalness is her willingness to do things other ponies wouldn’t dare to try, because they’re not her.” Everypony stared at me in mute shock, and I shrugged nonchalantly. “What? You hang out with Rainbow for long enough, and you have to pick up this stuff.”

Rainbow gawked at me for a couple more seconds, then shook her head to clear out the mental cobwebs. “Kicker, that was probably the closest I’ve ever been to actually finding you attractive.”

“Really?” I smirked at her. “‘Cause I would’ve thought that one time you tried to get me to sleep with you would be a better contender.”

“Shut up!” Rainbow growled, blushing furiously. “That doesn’t count! I was drunk! And we hadn’t seen each other for months! And ... and shut up!” She crossed her forelegs over her chest, pouting and grumbling under her breath about how I was a “Stupid weirdo pervert.”

I grinned and ruffled her mane, much to her annoyance. “Yeah yeah, love you too.” True to our odd friendship, Rainbow halfheartedly tried to swat my hooves away.

Fluttershy beamed at both of us. “You two really are such wonderful friends.”

Rainbow finally managed to fend me off, shooting a half-amused glare my way. “Yeah, sure, she’s great. I dunno how I would survive without Cloud inflicting her personality on me all the time.” She paused, then grinned at us. “Also, just FYI? Rainbow Dash Jr. is an awesome name for a kid. Just throwing that out there.”

Blossom groaned and started rubbing her forehead. “You cannot be serious.”

“Wouldn’t that technically be Rainbow Dash the Third?” Fluttershy asked. “I mean, I know your mother is also named Rainbow Dash, so doesn’t that make you Rainbow Dash Jr.?”

“No way,” Rainbow stubbornly countered. “I’m way too awesome to be a junior.”

“Names don’t work that way, Rainbow.” I tapped a hoof thoughtfully on my chin. “Not to mention that calling my kid Rainbow Dash Jr. wouldn’t really work. Well, not unless you're claiming to be the sire...”

“Yeah, no. Shy and Blossom would tear me apart.” She paused then pulled a disgusted face. “Not to mention that would mean we’d would’ve had to do it with each other at some point, and that’s just ... eeeugh. I’d be barfing more than you have.”

I couldn’t let that insult to my sexual prowess go unanswered. Though I had to get a little creative with my snappy comeback. “Only if I made you orgasm hard enough.”

Rainbow stared at me, disgust and incredulity at war across her face. “That’s ... that’s not something that actually happens, right?”

“If you really wanna know...”

“We don’t want to know,” Blossom hastily cut in. “In fact, nopony wants to know. Ever.”

I nonchalantly shrugged. The conversation had taken a weird turn, but I was kinda committed to it now. “Just about everything is somepony’s weird fetish.”

“How about we change the subject before we get too much new nightmare fuel?” Rainbow groaned.

“That’d probably be for the best,” Blossom quickly agreed.

Fluttershy softly cleared her throat. “Actually, what we were talking about earlier did remind me of something...” She shot an apologetic look Blossom’s way, then continued. “I mean, we were joking about Rainbow being the sire, but we know it’s not her. But that did make me wonder which one of us is ... erm...”

“Oh.” I probably should’ve expected that question. To be honest, I’d been so freaked out over being pregnant that I hadn’t even stopped to wonder just who I was pregnant by. “I ... I didn't think to ask Twilight. Actually, I don't even know if she'd be able to tell. Doesn’t the kid have to be further along before they can test that?”

“Yeah, I think so.” Blossom shot an awkward look Fluttershy’s way. “Well, um ... we've all been really active together, so I don’t think we can rule anypony out.”

Eepy nodded, blushing a bit. “Er, right, that is true.”

“Aaand that’s already way more than I ever wanted to know about your sex life.” Rainbow chugging down some cider to chase away the bad thoughts.

I couldn’t resist an opening like that, especially while Rainbow was also guzzling my booze. “While we're on the topic, how's your sex life, Dash? Been doing the Poney Pokey with Pinkie?”

Just as I’d hoped, the question resulted in Rainbow spit-taking my cider all over the living room. Call it spite, but if I couldn’t enjoy it, nopony could. She groaned, wiping her mouth and using Fluttershy’s tail as a napkin. “Geeze, Cloud! You can’t just ask somepony that out of the blue.”

I grinned and bowed, not at all ashamed of my actions. Especially since it also deflected the conversation away from a potentially very awkward subject. Eepy, Blossom, and I all had a pretty good thing going, but only one of them would’ve knocked me up. That had the potential to cause all kinds of drama once we found out who the sire was.

Three-way relationships are tricky. I vaguely recall my aunt saying once that three-pony groups tend to be very unstable—it’s way too easy for two members of the group to get close and leave the third one out in the dust. And having a kid with one of my mares but not the other sounded like exactly the sort of thing that would leave one of them feeling cut out. The only way to mitigate the damage would probably be to have another kid with whoever wasn’t the sire of this foal, and having two kids when I wasn’t even ready for one just seemed like a terrible idea all around.

No wonder so many ponies stick with monogamy. It’s a lot less trouble.

Rainbow finished wiping her mouth off and glowered at me, clearly intent on exacting vengeance. “I am so gonna kick your plot.”

I was never one to back to down from a challenge. “That so? Bring it, Thunderbutt.”

“Stop!” Fluttershy actually shouted as she hastily interposed herself between us. Not one of her quiet little Eepy-shouts either, a real one. “You can't horse around with each other anymore! She's pregnant! You could end up hurting the baby!”

Rainbow instantly paled. “Oh ... oh geeze. I didn’t ... Of course we won’t...”

No more friendly little scuffles with Rainbow? Darn, there’s another thing I would miss out on because of pregnancy. “Relax, Fluttershy. I’m not that far along yet. I mean, I had my usual spar with Storm last week, and nothing went wrong with it.”

Fluttershy whirled on me, and I instantly regretted opening my mouth. “Cloud, that could have really hurt the baby! Obviously you didn’t know you were pregnant, but that has to stop right now! No more training spars with your cousin—I don’t care how much padding you wear, it isn’t safe!” She paused, took a breath, and calmed down a little as her empathy overrode her maternal instincts. “Oh, I just hope Storm’s not going to worry too much once she finds out about your condition. She’ll probably be terrified that she might have hurt the baby.”

“Twilight said it was healthy.” I quickly assured her. Granted, Twilight wasn’t a doctor, but she’d almost certainly read a book about medicine at some point. For that matter, she’d probably read at least one book on every single subject known to ponykind.

Blossom seemed to have reached the same conclusion. “That’s good, but we should get an appointment with a specialist anyway just to make sure everything’s going well. That’s part of what you’re supposed to do anyway, right?” She looked around the room for confirmation, and the rest of us nodded along. Back when she was carrying Dinky, Derpy had pretty regular doctor’s appointments even though nothing had really gone wrong during the pregnancy.

She let out a soft little sigh, then turned her attention to Rainbow. “So that’s settled. And in the meantime, no smacking my pregnant marefriend. Even if she deserves it.” Blossom paused, then smirked. “Well, if you absolutely have to, use that wiffle paddle she keeps on the top-left shelf of the closet. “

“Dammit,” Rainbow groaned, holding her head in her hooves and shuddering. “Heeueuugh... I so didn't need to hear that...”

Fluttershy gently put a hoof on her back. “Are you feeling alright? I could get you something to drink if you need it.”

Rainbow melodramatically threw her hooves up to the sky. “I need everything to drink after hearing that. I don't need to imagine Cloud bending you over and pummeling your rump with a paddle, Shy.” Her eyes widened, and then she slammed her head down on my coffee table. “Gaah! Dammit there it is! Stupid brain! Stop that or I’ll drink enough booze to kill whatever part of you produces mental images!”

Fluttershy turned bright red, and I started laughing my plot off. Blossom tried to be a bit more mature, giving Rainbow a sympathetic pat on the back. “I know exactly how you feel. Poor, innocent Rainbow.” She paused, then amended, “Formerly innocent Rainbow. If it’s any consolation, you do get used to Cloud after a while.”

“I was friends with Kicker for years before she’d even met you,” Rainbow pointed out. “I think if I was gonna get used to her weirdness, I would’ve by now.”

“You are used to it,” I countered. “You’re just being a Rarity-tier drama queen right now. Shall I fetch you a fainting couch, darling?” I chuckled to myself while Rainbow grumbled and glowered. “Besides, I don’t see how you could possibly blame me for what happened. It was entirely self-inflicted.”

“It’s still gross,” Rainbow countered. “And if it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t ever even think about gross stuff like that. Neither would Fluttershy or Blossomforth. Ergo, this is all your fault.”

“Yes, because clearly nopony in Equestria had a functioning sex drive before I came around.” I cocked my head to the side. “And since when did you know how to correctly use a word like ‘ergo.’ I thought Old Unicornian was too egghead for you.”

“Bite me.”

“Only if you ask nicely.” Before Rainbow could come up with a response, I turned to Fluttershy, grinning all the while. “You better let Rarity know that Rainbow’s trying to steal her title as Ponyville’s number one drama queen.”

“I’m pretty sure the Flower Trio took that title from Rarity a while back,” Blossom cut in.

“The horror,” I deadpanned. “The horror.”

“Rarity’s really not that bad,” Fluttershy murmured in her friend’s defense. “She just makes a fuss over the little things so the big things don’t bother her as much.”

Comprehension dawned in Rainbow’s eyes. “Oh I get it! It’s a coping thing. Sorta like how Twilight does that breathing thing Cadance taught her whenever she’s about to freak out, or how Cloud makes a lot of lame jokes to distract everypony from the fact that she’s pregnant?”

The jovial mood I’d been trying to build up instantly vanished, replaced with a whole lot of awkward silence. I threw an annoyed glare Rainbow’s way, and she had the good grace to actually look a little sheepish. “Yes. Exactly like that.”

Her ears drooped. “Er ... well it looked like it was working pretty good. So anyway, you feeling better now? Not as panicky, freaked out, and prone to making terrible decisions?”

I was tempted to comment on her complete lack of tact, but sometimes there’s a lot to be said for blunt honesty. If nothing else, it forced to me to face issues head-on. “Yeah, I think I feel a lot better now.”

Joking around with them might’ve initially started as just a way to distract myself from the problem, but in this case it seemed that a distraction was exactly what I’d needed. A little time to adjust to the news and gain a bit of distance and perspective after the initial panic attack that came from the discovery. Maybe Rainbow really was onto something with her remarks about how I make bad snap decisions when I don’t think things through.

Blossom beamed, and she and Fluttershy both pulled me into a three-way hug. “Glad to hear it.”

“Me too.” Eepy gently nuzzled me, one hoof dropping down to rest over my belly. “And how are you feeling about the foal?”

I hesitated a moment, then gave the best answer I had. “I dunno. I guess ... well I’ve got a week off of work either way. I might as well spend that time thinking about it. I mean, another week isn’t going to make a huge difference either way, and Rainbow was right about how this isn’t the sort of thing I should go rushing into.”

Rainbow gave me an approving pat on the back. “That sounds smart.”

I nodded and grinned at her. “Probably because it is.”

Rainbow immodestly brushed a hoof over her own chest. “Well it was one of my ideas.”

“And yet, it wound up being really intelligent and well thought-out,” I answered with a grin. “I know, I’m shocked too.” Rainbow responded by rolling her eyes and noogieing me as gently as she could.

Blossom chuckled at our eternal back-and-forth banter, then turned her attention fully to me. “Thanks for taking the time to think this over, Cloud. I’m sure it’ll help you make the right decision.” While she didn’t quite come out and say it, her tone made it quite clear which decision she expected me to make. I tried not to get too annoyed with her for being so pushy. After all, she was allowed to want a kid just as much as I was allowed to not want one. Even though a part of me felt that if she wanted a kid that much, then she should be the one hauling it around in her belly for most of year.

Fluttershy faintly frowned at both of us, picking up on the underlying tension. “I’m sure we’ll all keep our minds open while we take some time to think this over. And hopefully we’ll all come to a decision we can agree upon together that makes us all equally happy. And even if I don’t agree with her choice, I’ll still support Cloud one hundred percent.”

“Thanks, Eepy.” I gave her a quick nuzzle. “And yeah, that's the whole point of taking a week to think it over. Talk things over, maybe get a couple other perspectives on it. I know I wouldn’t mind hearing what Derpy thinks about all this.” I thought it over for a second, then added. “My family’s probably already on the way here to check on Storm, since she got hurt fighting Tirek. I should talk to them too.” Between Dad, my psychologist aunt, and my cleric uncle, I would probably be flooded with good advice.

I sighed and pulled all three of them into a big group hug. “Thanks girls. Just thanks for being here, even if we did butt heads a little. Or a lot.”

“Of course!” Fluttershy gently held me. “You know we love you.”

“Always will,” Blossom assured me. “Even when you’re being a butthead.”

All eyes turned to Rainbow, and she squirmed a little in the group hug. “I ... I guess you’re alright, Cloud. I mean, y’know, I’m cool and you’re cool and we’re cool and all. So ... y’know ... whatever, right?”

I smirked and planted a big, wet, juicy kiss right on Rainbow’s forehead. “Love you too, Dash.”

We all had one last chuckle as she started furiously scrubbing while she groaned and whined about having ‘Cloud slobber’ all over her head.

Author's Note

As always, thanks to my pre-reading and editing team for all their hard work. Also, I would like to thank all my dedicated Patreon supporters. You guys are awesome.

Click here if you want to join the list of awesome people who support my writing.

Aidan Hall
Benjamin McLaren
Brayden
Brion Wauters
Christopher A Cope
Combine
Comma-Kazie
Cyanhyde
DaB.
David Han
Deep Cover
Dixie Daley
djthomp
Emlyn Costilow
FallenAngelXy
Jade Walters
James Miller
Jeffrey Martin
Justin Emery
MoistGooDragon
Patrick
Ponibius
Steven Ilten
TheAccidentalBrony
Trinary
waritah
Zennyth

Doo-stractions

After a good night’s sleep and a little bit of time to adjust to the idea, I was slightly less freaked out over my pregnancy. Very slightly.

That’s not to say that the prospect of there being a baby growing in my belly was any less terrifying than it was before. Just that ... well, I guess it’s one of those things where once the initial shock wears off, it’s slightly easier to deal with. I had a couple months before I needed to make a final decision about having a kid. There was no reason to be working myself up into a panic and making a snap decision.

A letter from my family informed me that I wouldn’t need to head to Canterlot to visit them; they were already coming here. Between Storm snagging Shadow’s Armor and then getting hurt fighting Tirek, it was no surprise that everypony was coming down to see her. And as long Dad and everypony else were here, I could give them my big news, too. Between Dad, my aunt the psychologist, and my uncle the priest, I should have plenty of ponies eager to dispense sage wisdom and offer guidance.

But they wouldn’t be here until tomorrow. Not that I minded too much, since I needed to give Derpy the big news too. If anypony could understand exactly what I was going through, it would be her. I mean, Dad’s great, but he’s a stallion, and Aunt Wind had been in a happy and stable relationship with Uncle Typhoon for years before she had Storm. Being unmarried and pregnant was different.

Of course, if I wound up deciding to have the kid, Blossom and Eepy might wanna do something about that too. Which was just ... one massive, life-changing crisis was enough. I really didn’t need them stacking up on top of each other.

I waited until the kids would be home from school before I headed over to Derpy’s. Past experience told me that early mornings at the Doo household were a chaotic mess of trying to get both the kids ready and headed to school on time, and after that Derpy had her own job to deal with. I guess I could’ve tried to catch Derpy on her lunch break, but ... well, with everything I needed to talk to her about, her lunch break probably wouldn’t have given me time to do more than scratch the surface.

Plus, if I’m being completely honest, showing up in the evening meant Derpy would invite me to stay for dinner. Her cooking’s good enough to always make that a tempting prospect, and between Dinky and Sparkler, family meals at the Doo household are always fun.

All things considered, I was cautiously optimistic about the evening. I could have a good meal, relax, and Derpy would probably have a ton of good advice for me.

I trotted up to the sturdy, steel-cored front door and rapped my hoof on it. After a longer wait than normal Sparkler finally answered the door, grinning so widely that I had to wonder just what she was so happy about. “Momma! Hey! I guess news travels fast, huh?”

Before I could ask what she was talking about, she latched onto me with an impressively enthusiastic hug. Despite my confusion, I promptly returned it. “Hey, Sparks. What’s up?”

Sparkler broke the hug, then latched onto one of my legs and started dragging me inside. “You got here just in time—Dinks! Mom! Cloud's here!”

“I'm comin'!” Dinky called out from the living room. There was a slight pause, then she shouted again. “Sorta! Uh—I'll be right there!” I could hear some fillyish pique in her voice as she grumbled. “Leggo, Mommy! I gotta go see Cloud Kicker!”

I trotted around the corner and into the living room, getting a good look at the two other Doos. Derpy was on the couch with Dinky sitting in her lap and getting the full hug treatment, hooves and wings. Derpy’s eyes looked a little red, and judging by how Dinky was starting to wriggle and squirm, the normally hug-happy kid was getting a bit hugged out. Derpy’s only response to Dinky’s struggles was to tighten the hug, holding her even closer.

I blinked in surprise and warily approached them. “Derpy? Is everything okay?” Something was clearly bothering her. My mind instantly flashed to her family. Tirek had gone on quite the rampage before Eepy, Rainbow, Twilight, and the rest took him down. If something had happened to her brother or her parents...

Derpy wiped her eyes as best she could without letting go of her daughter. “I—I’m fine. No, not fine. So much better than fine...” She beamed up at me, even as a fresh wave of tears trickled down her cheeks. “Look at what happened to my little baby girl...”

Dinky finally wriggled her way free of her mother’s grasp, pouting and grumbling. “I’m notta baby any more, Mommy. See?” She turned to the side, and I finally realized why Derpy had been crying so hard.

Stamped on Dinky’s previously blank flank was a bright sun slowly rising over the horizon.

“Lookit, Cloud Kicker!” Dinky crowed, wiggling her rump to make sure I could see it. “I got my cutie mark! I got my cutie mark!”

I stared down at that rising sun, trying to wrap my head around the idea that she’d gotten her cutie mark. “Whoa. That's...” I grinned and scooped her off the floor, giving her the best hug I could manage. “Congratulations, Dinky!” Dinky returned the hug with typical bone-crushing enthusiasm. I shifted her hold on me slightly upwards to make sure it was safely away from my belly.

Once she’d pretty much hugged herself out, at least until she took a minute to recharge her hug-batteries (they run on muffins), I hoisted Dinky up into the air. “Ooof, you've gotten so heavy! That must mean you’re getting really big. And now you’ve got your cutie mark too. Soon you'll be all grown up, won't you?”

Derpy let out a choked little sound, and Sparkler quickly trotted over to hug her. Derpy held onto her older daughter for a bit, then smiled and wiped her eyes again. It didn’t do much good, since the tears were still flowing. “She's growing up so fast. It feels like it was just yesterday that I brought her home from the hospital, and now she’s got her cutie mark and everything...”

“I know, right?” Dinky chirped out enthusiastically, still hanging up in the air. I set her down, and she started turning around in place to get a better look at her new mark. “I'm not such a dinky little Dinky anymore, am I?” She tapped her chin thoughtfully, then gasped. “Wait, if I’m not a dinky little Dinky, am I gonna hafta change my name now?!”

“Nah.” I reached over and playfully ruffled her mane. “I don’t care if you grow up to be taller than Princess Celestia. You’ll always be our little Dinky.”

“Damn straight,” Sparkler chimed in, earning herself an off-center but nonetheless disapproving glower from her mother. Her ears went flat as she realized that she’d goofed up. “Sorry. Er ... darn straight? Dang straight?”

Derpy slowly crossed her forelegs over her chest and levelled the full force of her particular version of the disappointed mother look on Sparkler. The teen slowly slunk down into the couch, until she looked like she wanted nothing more than to find some way to squeeze down between cushions and hide. Satisfied that she’d made her point, Derpy finally relented.

While I might not have Derpy’s natural talent for all the dirty tricks that come with being a mom, I still felt obligated to do something. If only because I’d kind of become the unofficial second parent of the family. “Remember to watch your language around Dinky, Sparks. You’re supposed to be setting good example for your little sister.”

Dinky frowned skeptically at her sibling. “But she doesn’t gotta be an example, ‘cause I don’t wanna be like Sparky. She’s a big ol’ brat who likes to get cootie-faced with Miss Star and she smells funny and her mane looks weird and she’s dumb. She should wanna be more like me.” Dinky tapped her chin in fillyish ponderance, then her eyes lit up. “Looks like I gotta be the big sister now, huh? Then Sparky can be less brattydumb and more Dinky-ish.”

Sparkler snorted skeptically. “Sure, Dinks. Go ahead and try to be my big sis. Despite the fact that I’m twice as big as you are. Lemme know how well that goes for you.”

Dinky tapped her chin a couple more times, then a huge and very mischievous grin spread across her lips, and she gave me a quick goodbye nuzzle. “I'll be right back, 'kay?” She immediately charged at her big sister, hitting her with a flying tackle-hug that caught the older mare off guard and knocked her flat on the couch. “I'll teach ya t'say bad words! If I’m the big sis now, then I gotta punish ya when you’re bad!”

“Gah!” Sparkler tried to wrestle away her little sister, but only succeeded in letting Dinky force her off the couch. Even as they both tumbled to the floor, Sparkler had the presence of mind to make sure Dinky landed on top of her instead of the other way around. However, her big sisterly mercy and protectiveness only lasted long enough to ensure that they landed safely. After that, all bets were off. “Oh, c'mere you little—”

As the two siblings started a wrestling match that reminded me of the eternal sibling rivalry of my cousins, I quickly shifted over to the couch where Derpy had parked herself. For all the inevitable brutality of sibling warfare, both of them knew the number one rule of battle: don’t get Mom involved.

I settled in next to Derpy, enjoying my front-row seat for the sisterly wrestling match. “Five bits on Sparkler. Dinky’s cute and squirmy, but size usually wins in a grapple.”

Derpy shook her head. “Cloud, I can’t believe you’re trying to make me gamble on the outcome of my children fighting each other.” She gave that just a moment to sink in, then grinned and added, “And you made such a weak opening bet. If we’re gambling, let’s really gamble. Twenty bits on Dinky. She just got her cutie mark, and Sparkler wouldn’t want to ruin her special day by beating her.”

“Deal.” I figured Derpy’s sentimentality was getting to her. Past experience with my cousins said that no matter how proud Sparkler was of her little sis, she wouldn’t let Dinky change the household pecking order. There are some lines you don’t let a little sister cross, even on their special days.

Secure in the knowledge that I was about to become twenty bits richer, I moved back to a slightly more serious topic. “So ... Dinky got her cutie mark. That's pretty amazing, isn’t it?”

“I know.” Derpy sniffed and rubbed her eyes, which were already tearing up again. I had a sneaking suspicion she’d be doing a lot of that over the next couple days. “She's ... my little baby's growing up.” She grabbed me, pulling me in for a hug that nearly squeezed all the air out of my lungs. “She's ... oh, she's so big now. I still remember feeling her kick after you and Rainbow helped me settle in here.” She released me from her death grip so one hoof could wistfully run over her womb. “Look at her now...”

I looked at the little girl in question, just in time to see Sparkler pin her to the floor. Despite Dinky’s yelps of protest, her big sister not only kept her pinned down, but shifted so that she was carefully lying on top of Dinky, letting gravity do all the work for her. Dinky flailed and squirmed as hard as could, trying to find some way to get out from beneath her older sister and panting out, “I'll—get—you—you—you—uh ... you brat!”

I turned back to Derpy, grinning. “Well, looks like she's got some growing left to do before she can beat her big sis. Also, you owe me twenty bits.”

“It’s not over until the fat mare sings,” Derpy shot back.

Dinky grinned over at us. “Sparky’s gonna sing?”

Sparkler glared half-playfully down at her sister and vigorously noogied her. “Oh you little...”

“Quit it!” Dinky whined, vainly trying to swat Sparkler’s larger hooves away. “Your big fat hooves are gonna bald my mane!”

Sparkler gave her one last working-over, then shifted her attention to their mother, grinning devilishly. “Mom, there's some kind of lump on the floor here. Must be something stuck under the carpet or something. Lemme just get it for you...” She dropped a bit lower and started rolling back and forth over Dinky, though taking care to not actually crush her little sister. Or at least to only crush her a little.

“Ackpt!” Dinky yelped out. “Help! I'm flatted! Save me, Mommy!”

Derpy chuckled and reluctantly passed over my winnings. “Sparkler, no flattening your sister. Do you have any idea how hard it would be to get that stain out of the carpet?”

Sparkler relented, giving her little sister one final noogie before letting her back up. Dinky sprang up to her hooves with remarkable alacrity for a filly who’d been crushed flat. “Yeah! I just got my cutie mark, so ya gotta wait until I can use it a bit before ya roll over me again.” She threw a quick playful glare at the teen, then reversed course and trotted over to the couch, hopping in between myself and Derpy and pointedly hugged us both.

I grinned and returned the favor. “So, Dinky, how are you gonna get Sparky with your new cutie mark powers?” I tapped my chin thoughtfully. “Wake her up in the wee hours of the morning as soon as the sun rises? Pull the sun down out of the sky and smack her with it? Or are you just gonna stick with the basics and zap her with a giant laser?”

“But I couldn’t wake Sparky up early unless I got up early too,” Dinky pointed out. “And I think Miss Princess Celestia would get mad if I moved her sun. I dunno if I could laser her either, 'cuz that's what she can do. Besides, I wasn't doin' any lasery stuff when I got my mark.”

“Oh yeah?” I nudged her playfully. “Well what were you doing when you got it? I bet everypony’s going to want to hear your cutie mark story.”

Dinky’s face lit up. “Oh yeah! I asked Mommy and Sparky and Uncle Cirrus and Gramma and Grandpa and you and Rainbow and Miss Blossom and Miss Fluttershy and Miss Cheerilee and Miss Twilight and lotsa other ponies about when they got their cutie marks! Now I gotta tell ponies my story when they ask me!”

Her face screwed up in concentration, one eye drifting slightly off-center as she remembered all the details. “Well, Mommy was feelin' kinda sad about somethin', so I gave her a big hug, and then she was happy again. I started thinkin' about how much I love makin' Mommy happy again when she's sad—an' Sparky an' Uncle Cirrus too sometimes—an' then my butt started glowin', an' when it stopped...” She took a deep breath, then gleefully shouted, “I had my cutie mark!” Dinky squealed happily, bouncing up and down on the sofa until Derpy gently restrained her. “When Mommy saw that she got really happy, but also a little sad, so I hugged her again. Then she hugged me back, then Sparky came in an' she got hugged too, an' then there was a whole lot more hugging and Mommy was talking about making some special muffins to celebrate. Then you showed up, an' I hugged you too!”

I grinned and ruffled her mane. “So the bottom line is that you hugged a whole lot of ponies?”

Sparkler cut in, her voice perfectly deadpan. “I think it's a trend she might be starting. Maybe it's just me, but I have a hunch.”

I exaggeratedly rolled my eyes and halfheartedly swatted a wing in Sparkler’s general direction. “Smartflank.”

Sparkler grinned shamelessly. “Always and forever.” She trotted over and gave me a quick nuzzle.

Derpy wiped her eyes clear, then heaved out a melodramatic sigh. “To think, there are times I wonder why I’m the only one of my friends who has kids...”

I twitched at that remark, but quickly tried to hide my reaction. My own news could wait until after we’d put Dinky to bed. Honestly, she’d probably get so excited that I wouldn’t be able to get any useful advice out of Derpy with her around anyway. Plus ... well, Dinky was way too young to understand why I might not want to have a kid. I’d feel awful if she got worked up and excited over the idea of me having a baby, and then I yanked that away from her.

So I quickly buried my own problems and gave Derpy a quick answer before the silence got awkward. “You’ve survived motherhood so far.”

“That’s true.” She paused for a moment, then pointedly hugged me. “Though having the right ponies at my side helped a lot.”

I grinned and returned the hug. “It always does. I’m pretty sure if Twilight were here, she’d be saying something about how the magic of friendship is ponykind’s greatest strength in difficult times. Except with a lot more long, complicated words.”

Sparkler let out a loud snort. “And she’d probably have a checklist too. I bet...” She slowly trailed off, her eyes flicking between myself and Derpy, a faint frown crossing her lips. “Speaking of which, what brought you here, anyway? I mean, at first I figured you must’ve heard about Dinky getting her mark somehow, but there’s no way you could know. Not even Pinkie knows yet, or there’d be balloons and streamers everywhere. Plus Rainbow’d probably be the first pony she told...”

I’d already decided to keep the kids out of the loop, so I tried to brush the question. “What, do I need a reason to check up on my favorite family in Ponyville? Sheesh, Sparkler, I wasn’t expecting the Sphinxish Inquisition.”

I paused, my eyes cutting to every single door, window, and closet in the house. A minute passed. Nothing happened. I shrugged.

Dinky, meanwhile gasped in horror. “Didja just say the Spinach Inquisition? Do they make sure nopony gets to eat any dessert until they eat all their veggies?”

Derpy covered a snort of laughter with her hoof, then smiled warmly at me. “Speaking of which, yes, Cloud—you're welcome to stay for dinner. In fact, if you don't have any plans already, I'd love to have you.”

I didn’t see any reason not to run with the excuse Derpy had given me for my visit. I threw up my hooves in mock surrender. “Alright, fine, you caught me. Dinner sounds great.” I gave the house another quick scan, then made some more small-talk before Sparkler could try to dig any deeper. “So, it looks like everything made it through the giant monster attack in one piece.”

Just as I’d hoped, Sparkler couldn’t resist the opportunity to be a smartflank. “This is Mom's house. A monster attack is just a stress-test.”

I saw a shadow of fear flick across Dinky’s face, and I decided to follow up with another joke before it killed the mood. “Yeah, that figures. Any building that can remain standing after Derpy’s lived in it for years is probably as close to indestructible as you can get.”

Derpy rolled her eyes, which always looks weird when her eyes are off-kilter to begin with. “Oh please, I’m not that—”

Her indignant wing-flick sent a nearby lamp spinning on its base; as Derpy rushed to stabilize it, her tail brushed against the fireplace screen, which knocked over the poker seated comfortably next to it. Dinky and Sparkler took cover in movements born from practice as the poker tumbled and toppled against the bookshelf, which in turn loosed a few support pegs. Books tumbled down—first a few at a time, then en masse, thudding against the shelf below them until it too gave out. Then the next one, then the one below that, then the one below that, until the last shelf gave, sending a peg flying through the air with an audible fing.

The peg came to rest embedded in the wall, making a perfect headshot through a picture of Derpy. The picture frame shattered, sending glass shards sailing through the air and onto the floor (Shadow help me) right next to Derpy’s hoof. She yelped and swore as her hoof came down on the glass. As she did so, she flared her wings, knocking over both the lamp she’d tried to save and the fireplace screen, which blasted into the mercifully empty flue. After a few seconds, I saw soot rain down onto the lawn and into the neighbors’ yards.

Derpy, now lying flat on her back, glowered up at us from the midst of the devastation. “This. Proves. Nothing.”

I chuckled and helped her up. “Whatever you say, Derpy.”

Derpy used a wing to flick a few stray bits of soot off herself, then returned to the previous topic of conversation as if none of that had just happened. “In any case, it sounds like the only major loss was the library. Poor Twilight.” She looked around the room, then resignedly started on the cleanup, with the rest of us quickly pitching in.

“Yeah, losing her home had to be pretty rough,” I said as I retrieved a broom and dustpan. Twilight had seemed to be handling it reasonably well when I’d visited her ... was it really just yesterday? It felt like it had been so much longer than that. Maybe the loss just hadn’t sunk in yet, especially considering everything else that had happened. “At least she got a new palace out of the deal. Gotta take away some of the sting of losing your home when you get a new, bigger and better house.”

“Yeah, that's super-cool!” Dinky eagerly chirped as she got to work reorganizing all the fallen books. “Though the palace does look kinda weird compared to the old library. And it's still kinda sad to lose your old home.” She paused in thought, then her ears perked up. “I'll go say hi to her later and make sure she's a'kay. And I can bring her some muffins and give her a big hug if she needs cheering up, ‘cause that always works for me if I’m feeling sad.”

I grinned and gave Dinky a pat on the back. “Yeah, I'm sure she'll appreciate it.” If nothing else, the fact that Dinky’s new special talent seemed to be cheering ponies up made her very well qualified for the job. Not to mention everypony at the new palace would undoubtedly appreciate a fresh shipment of Derpy’s muffins.

Derpy nodded, clearly agreeing with my line of thought as she carefully cleaned up the broken glass. “We can go visit her tomorrow, alright, Muffin?”

“Okay!”

I grinned as a thought occurred to me. “Of course, Sparkler has extra incentive to stop by the palace. Star’s gonna be there.”

Sparkler’s ears perked up, and her attention shifted away from the broken lamp she’d been in the middle of repairing. “She is? Why?”

“Remember how Rainbow told us Storm got hurt?” When Sparkler nodded, I continued. “She’s not too badly banged up, but it’s enough to earn herself a family visit.” Of course, I actually only had Twilight’s word on what shape Storm was in. I felt kinda bad about that. After all, I’d gone to the palace to check on her. But I’d run into Twilight first, and after I’d gotten the news about my new condition...

I thought about mentioning Shadow’s Armor too, but held off on it. Though in all honesty, that was probably as big of a reason for the visit as Storm’s injuries. Somepony actually claiming and using the Armor had a ton of implications for the clan.

The room’s mood dipped at the mention that my cousin had stupidly gotten herself hurt trying to throw herself into the middle of a fight she shouldn’t have been involved in, so I tried to pick it back up. “But anyway, Dinky’s cutie mark! Let’s celebrate!”

Dinky’s eyes brightened back up. “Oh yeah! I can go give Miss Storm a get-better hug and some muffins tomorrow. Especially if I get extra muffins and cookies tonight, because it’s my special day today.” She grinned hopefully at her mother.

Derpy sighed, then ruffled Dinky’s mane. “I probably shouldn’t spoil you, but this is a pretty special day for you. Just don’t eat so much you get a tummyache.”

Dinky grinned. “Okay!”

To absolutely nopony’s surprise, Dinky didn’t listen to her mother’s advice. Once dinner was over and Derpy was fully occupied with tending to her daughter’s self-inflicted stomach pains, Sparkler pulled me aside and led me to the living room. “Got a second, Momma? There’s some stuff I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Sure thing.” I let her lead me aside, the wheels already turning in my head. What did she want to talk about? It had to be something she couldn’t bring up with her mother. Plus, it was something she picked me to ask about, rather than somepony else like Rainbow or Twilight. I could only reach one logical conclusion: “Is there something wrong with your sex life?”

Sparkler nearly tripped over her own hooves. “What?! You ... what?!” She shook her head hard enough that she had to be giving herself a nasty headache. “No. Nothing like that. Star and I are doing just fine. Better than fine. We’re great.”

I let out a sigh of relief. “Oh, thank Shadow!” Sparkler cocked her head to the side, so I gave her a quick explanation. “I know I’m infamous for being a massive perv—for good reason—but even I don’t want to get into the messy details of my cousin’s sex life. That’s just ... ugh. Information I am much happier not knowing.” I tapped my chin and thought it over. “Well I can’t imagine you’re cheating on her, so ... is it a solo exploration thing?”

Sparkler’s cheeks practically caught fire. “No!”

“Hey.” I gently gripped her shoulder and gave her my best mature, understanding smile. “It’s perfectly normal for a young mare your age to be doing that kind of thing. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Especially when you’re in a long-distance relationship. I mean, sometimes you’re in the mood, and Star’s on the other side of Equestria. You’ve gotta do something to let off a little steam.” I gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “So what did you have questions about? I can run you through the basics if that wouldn’t be too awkward, and recommend a good book or two if you need something more than that.”

“No! That’s not what I ... No!” Sparkler groaned and buried her face in her hooves. “No.” She moaned from between her hooves. “No. No. No, no. No. There is not enough ‘no’ in all of Equestria for the amount of ‘no’ I need right now. I wish I knew how to use the Traditional Royal Canterlot Voice, just so I could give you a bigger ‘no’. And while I’m asking Princess Luna to teach me that, I should also get her to carve the word ‘no’ into the moon, because that’s how much ‘no’ I need right now.”

I frowned at her, not even trying to hide my skepticism. “So you’re saying you don’t clop?”

I didn’t think it was possible, but her blush somehow got even worse. “I ... um ... that’s not the point! The point is, I didn’t want talk to you about anything like that!”

“Oh.” My ears drooped down a bit. “Sorry, if you’re not comfortable discussing those kinds of issues with me, then...”

“AUGH!” Sparkler slammed her face into one of the sofa cushions and screamed a couple more times, until she got it all out of her system. Then she took several deep breaths until she was looking and sounding reasonably calm, or at least as calm as she could look with stray locks sticking out and eyes focused in opposite directions. “Momma, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about. It does not involve sex or sexuality in any way, shape, or form.”

“Oh.” I ran a hoof through my mane, feeling a little silly now. “Well why didn’t you just say so? That could’ve saved us a whole lot of trouble.”

Sparkler groaned again and flopped down onto the couch. “Don’t. Just ... don’t. I’m already going to need a gallon of brain bleach to deal with all the awkwardness of this conversation. Can we just pretend the last five minutes never happened and start things back over from the beginning? Please?”

“Right, fine.” I was tempted to get a little more teasing in, but I had a feeling that whatever she wanted to talk about was probably pretty important. So I’d hold off on tormenting her any more until the serious talk was over. Well, unless she gave me an opening I just couldn’t ignore...

Sparkler took another deep breath, then slowly nodded to herself. “Right, okay then. So here’s the thing: since Star knew I was thinking about going to West Hoof or going through the reserve officer program at the School for Gifted Unicorns, she brought me some info on what’s involved in all of this.” She pulled a sheaf of paperwork out of her saddlebag. “So, I guess I just have some questions about stuff. Like, I think there's a mistake on some of this exercise info. They slipped in an extra zero somewhere or left out a decimal point or something, right?”

I gave all the papers a cursory scan. “No, that's what it should say.”

Sparkler’s shoulders slumped, and her ears slowly went flat against her skull. “They seriously expect me to be able to run that far? Carrying that much weight? And then do all that other stuff after I’m done running?” She read over the info again, and her ears perked just a tiny little bit as a note of desperate hope entered her voice. “Wait ... that weight I’d be hauling is just the armor, right? I guess if that’s all it is, it wouldn’t be that bad.”

I couldn’t stop myself from smiling just a little bit cruelly. Ah, the naivete of fresh recruits. “Nope, that’s fifty pounds of kit on top of your weapons and armor. You’d be surprised how much a bedroll, three days of food, sharpening kits, survival tools, and all the other random gear a soldier needs ends up weighing. Look on the bright side, though: at least they’re starting you out with light gear.”

“Light gear?” She stared up at me with dawning horror. “You mean it gets heavier?”

“Yup.” I couldn’t help taking just a little bit of pleasure in her misery. “Also, the runs get longer, and they give you less time to make it to the finish line. Not to mention they keep piling on more exercises before and after the runs. Oh, and they expect you to also absorb a full college education on top of all the PT.”

Sparkler groaned and ran a hoof down her face, grumbling loudly. “Stupid crazy exercise regime that my stupid sexy marefriend warned me about...”

I grinned and gave her an encouraging slap on the back. “Don't worry about it, kid. You'll adapt to it after a couple weeks of utter exhaustion and agony. Of course, as soon as you start adapting is when they ramp it up to the next level. Can’t have you getting complacent, after all.”

Sparkler rolled her eyes. “The Guard should try to pull you back in, because you could be a recruiter with that pitch.” She pitched her voice like a radio adpony. “West Hoof Academy! Where what doesn't kill you prepares you for what does!”

I let out a loud, most undignified snort of laughter. “Hey, don’t complain about it too much. Back in Old Pegasopolis, the prevailing theory was that the best way to prepare troops for combat was to make the training so painful, draining, and all-around horrid that they'd look forward to going into battle.”

“Don't say that too loud in front of Mom.” Sparkler’s ears went flat, and she shot a nervous look back towards the dining room. “She’s ... well she hasn’t said anything, but I think she’s not too happy about me thinking of going into the Guard. After Uncle Cirrus got hurt...” She trailed off, her eyes dropping to the floor.

I flinched. Derpy’s brother was in the Guard too. When the changelings hit Canterlot he’d gotten badly injured. The doctors managed to fix the worst of it, but they hadn’t been able to save one of his wings. I don’t think there’s a single pegasus in Equestria that isn’t a bit freaked out by the idea of losing our ability to fly. A pegasus, by definition, has wings and is able to fly. Take those away, and ... yeah. Sure, there were prosthetics, but none of them were as good as an actual wing.

I quickly changed the subject before things could get even more awkward and uncomfortable. “Right. Maybe I can talk to her about that. Anyway, the exercise stuff. It helps if you get started on training right away so that you’ll be in shape by the time you join up.”

Sparkler nodded slowly. “Yeah, that’s what Star suggested too. She’s actually been riding me pretty hard lately.” She paused a moment, then groaned and smacked her head against the couch cushions again. “Wow, phrasing. Sorry.”

I snorted, then grinned and teasingly poked her. “I’d make fun of you, but honestly you made that one so easy that I don’t think I could add anything to it.”

Before I could prove myself wrong and come up with some good snark, Dinky’s voice chirped from the doorway. “Star’s ridin' ya? But isn’t she kinda big for you to be giving her ponyback rides? I mean, she’s bigger than you!”

Sparkler jumped in surprise and let out a startled shriek at the interruption. “Dinky! Where did you come from?!”

“Mommy said I’m not old enough to know yet,” the filly answered with a smirk. “But maybe that’s different now that I have my cutie mark. I think it has somethin’ to do with mommies and daddies giving each other a special kinda hug or somethin’.” Before Sparkler could come up with an answer to that, Dinky got back to the original subject. “So why’s Star riding you? Is that like when you two were wrestling on the bed?” She crossed her forelegs over her chest, pouting. “If Mommy was home I woulda told on ya. She always says I'm not allowed to horse around on the bed with my friends.”

As amusing as it would’ve been to watch Sparkler try to squirm her way out of this, I decided to lend a hoof. After all, if Dinky’s innocence was destroyed, Derpy might decide it was my fault. Which could end very badly for me. “I'm sure Star was just helping her with her military training, right?”

“Yes!” Sparkler gratefully seized the conversational lifeline I’d tossed her. “That's totally what I meant! She was just riding on my back to help me get used to carrying extra weight while I jogged, and we were wrestling on the bed because she was teaching me throws and we didn’t have a proper training mat.”

Dinky’s face screwed up in thought as she considered Sparkler’s story, and I decided to try for a quick distraction. “So is your tummy feeling better now, Dinky?”

“Yeah-huh!” She tapped her chin, a smile slowly forming. “That means I can have some more cookies and muffins now, right?”

I probably should’ve done the responsible adult thing and told her no, especially after she’d already eaten enough to make herself sick. However, I also wanted to get her distracted and out of the room as quickly as possible. I hate dilemmas. Instead of staking out a position, I played for time. “What did your mother say?”

“Mommy said I couldn’t have any more,” she confessed. “But then she had to go potty, and I thought that maybe...”

“Maybe I’d let you get some extra sweets behind her back?” I concluded with a knowing grin.

Dinky latched onto me with a limpet-like hug, grinning up at me hopefully. “Hey, Cloud Kicker? I love ya. So. Darn. Much!”

I chuckled and slowly pried her off. “You know the one downside of growing up, Dinky? You can’t get away with abusing your cute little kid powers anymore.” She started pouting, and I decided to give her a little bit of a hope and an incentive to behave, as well as leave me alone with Sparkler. “Tell you what, though: if you go to your room, get all your homework done, and you’re good and quiet for the rest of the evening, I might sneak something up to you.”

“Okay! Bye Sparky, bye Cloud!” She practically galloped out of the living room.

Once we were sure the kid was gone, Sparkler turned to me with a grateful smile. “Nice save, Momma. Though I wasn’t completely lying back there. Star has been running me through some basic self-defense stuff in between everything else. And...” Her cheeks lit up as she grinned and admitted, “Well, you do always say that sex is a good form of exercise.”

“It’s always been my favorite one.” If everypony knows what they’re doing, a good banging session ends with all participants gasping for breath like they’d just run a marathon. So, logically, you were getting as much exercise out of a sex as you would from running a marathon. Or at least, that was how I preferred to look at it.

However, focusing on her sex life would reduce Sparkler to a blushing, stuttering mess, and probably tell me more than I wanted to know about my cousin, so I got back to the original topic. “So you're sure you wanna join the Guard right now?”

Sparkler shrugged. “I still haven’t really decided, but I’m kinda leaning that way. I mean, the best thing Celestia’s School has going for it is that it keeps my options open. But if I’m pretty sure I wanna go military, I don’t really need to keep my options open, do I? And after the whole thing with Tirek ... yeah. I’m sick of being stuck hiding in a shelter while other ponies are putting it all on the line to protect me.”

“Huh.” I couldn’t argue with her logic when I’d felt the exact same way. “You know going Guard is gonna be a pretty big deal, right? Gonna change your whole life. Plus, once you sign up for it, it’s hard to back out without causing yourself a lot of trouble.”

She answered with a shaky grin. “Speaking from personal experience on that one, Momma?” She took a deep breath, then slowly nodded. “But yeah, I know. Star warned me what to expect more than once. Uncle Cirrus too, even if he’s just enlisted instead of an officer.” She waved down at the paperwork. “Not to mention all the requirements it takes just to get your hoof in the door. Gotta have good grades and test scores, take care of all the physical fitness stuff, plus somepony in the Guard or government’s gotta vouch for me.” She shrugged. “I’m not too worried about the last one, at least. Pretty sure Rainbow can get Princess Twilight to sort that out, or I could just ask your dad or something.”

“Helps when you know the right ponies,” I agreed. “But don’t forget about the rest of the rules. They do expect you conduct yourself like a proper officer and gentlemare.”

Sparkler smirked and nudged me. “How did you ever make it through four years there?”

I rolled my eyes and nudged right back. “Because I knew when I had to be a good little cadet and when I could get away with being a bit more relaxed. They’re fine with the cadets getting a little wild in their off-hours, as long as you show up to class on time, not hungover, and with your uniform in perfect order.” I shrugged, then admitted. “Though I did wind up peeling potatoes and saluting squirrels a couple times. They only get serious if you cheat, do something illegal, or you make the institution look bad in public.” I paused in thought, then advised, “And whatever you do, don’t flunk a uniform or bunk inspection. Ever. The Sergeant-Instructors will break out the nastiest forms of polite sarcasm known to ponykind as they run you through the exact military procedure to get it right. Then make you do every single step. Five times.”

“Yeah, Star warned me about that.” She hesitated, chewing her lower lip. “It’s one of the things that has me not quite sure about West Hoof. I mean, Mom’s never been a stickler for that kind of thing: as long as I’m not a total slob, she’s happy. Going from that to ponies who break out rulers to make sure I got every bit of my uniform perfectly lined up...”

“It takes a while to get used to,” I conceded. “Star and I probably had an easier time of it. Dad pretty much expected me to keep my bunk up to military standards for my whole life, after all. But it’s part of the military discipline package.”

She nodded resignedly. “Yeah, I know. The officers can’t order ponies to do anything they wouldn't do, so they've gotta be at least as on top of all the appearance stuff as the grunts, right? I can’t bug a private for being out of uniform if I am, too.”

“Yup.” I smirked and poked her in the shoulder. “But you have to look on the bright side. If you pull it off and become an officer, your uncle would have to salute you and call you ma'am.”

Sparkler smirked right back, looking decidedly mischievous. “Okay, that’s the best argument I’ve heard yet for picking West Hoof over Celestia’s School.”

I chuckled and playfully bopped her on the nose. “Dinky's right, you really are a brat.”

Her smirk grew so wide it barely fit on her face. “Hi, I'm Sparkler—nice to meet you. There're a few things you should know about me before we go much further...”

A snort of laughter escaped from me. “Yeah, yeah, we all know you’re a massive smartflank. Just be careful. You might technically outrank your uncle, but in the real Guard, any butterbar who tries to throw their rank around with a Sergeant First Class is gonna be in for a rough time.”

Sparkler nodded knowingly, then puffed out her chest and shifted to a massively exaggerated mockery of her uncle’s voice. “Well then, I say—training to be an officer? I'll get right on your tea marm, as you'll need it after your run. Yes, marm, your 25-mile run. And if your monocle slips from its roost even once, I'll swipe your swagger stick and stuff it in the specialized secondary swagger stick storage spot, wot wot!”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, like that, but less ridiculous. Though it’ll probably depend on where you end up. Ceremonial units like the Solar Guard are easier on new officers, while the Long Patrol has a rep for eating newbies alive if they can’t handle themselves. Still amazes me that miss prim-and-proper Storm did so well there.”

Her ears drooped slightly. “Yeah, still not quite sure which way I wanna go with it. I mean, I know I don’t wanna be in one of those units that just stands around the palace looking pretty all day, but besides that...” She trailed off and shrugged. “Lotta options. The Long Patrol would let me really get out in the field and help ponies, and with the Everfree next door I can really get why monsters are a big deal. Then there’s the Magus Corps if I really wanna focus on my magic—I know Princess Twilight thinks I’m good enough to qualify. Or I could go with the Lunar Guard so I could work with Star. Or if Storm has any openings for Twilight’s new bodyguards ... well, it’d be nice if I could be stationed in Ponyville, y’know?”

“Yeah, I think I know how you feel.” To be honest, if I’d known Twilight was fixing to pop wings and become a princess, I might’ve considered sticking with the Guard instead of resigning. Getting to stick with my life in Ponyville and exchanging my real job for spending all day guarding Twilight’s body sounded pretty good to me. Especially since alicorndom had added an entirely new layer of sexy to her pre-existing good looks.

I quickly yanked my mind away from that sexy little tangent. “Well, all those are good directions for your career. Just make sure you’re ready to deal with all the military protocol. Being a smartflank with me and your mom is fine. Do it with your CO, and...”

“I figured.” She smirked and poked my side. “Why do you think I’m trying to get all of the snark out of my system while I can?”

Being quite the smartflank myself, I couldn’t resist an opening like that “You want all the snark out of your system? Right, I better start getting five-gallon buckets together to hold everything we're going to be draining out of you. Think a dozen will do, or do we need more?”

Sparkler rolled with it. “It'll do for today, but more will come.” She leaned back against the sofa, tapping her chin as though in deep thought. “Though the real question is whether I should donate it all to science, or save it and start up a business later once I retire from the Guard. I can see it now: Sparkler Doo, chairmare of Snark Industries.”

I nodded sagely. “It’s always good to have a plan for civilian life.”

“Yeah, true.” She paused, her shoulders slumping slightly. “And that's ... well, s'kinda it. I'm still sorting out schools, never mind what I wanna do after I'm done with it all.”

“Hey.” I gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “Don't try to plan too far ahead, or next thing you know you’ll be making an eighteen page checklist of everything you need to make the two hundred page checklist for your entire life plan from right now up to your funeral arrangements.”

Sparkler snorted loudly. “Relax, I’m not gonna go full Twilight on you.” She sighed, then ran a hoof through her mane. “It’s just ... well I wanna have at least a vague idea of where I’m going, y'know? Just line up a few things I want sorted out in the next five years: Star, a degree, and a commission, in that order. Once I get that far, I'll take another look at it all.” She shrugged. “It’s all a matter of knowing what I want, then figuring out how to get it.” She leaned over and nuzzled me. “M'sure I can fit you somewhere in that list.”

I smirked. “Wait a minute, are you saying you want me? I dunno. I mean, I’m flattered and all, but it'd probably make Star jealous.”

The teen pulled back from me with several exaggerated twitches, then groaned as loudly as she could, burying her face in her hooves. “Thanks for ruining that tender mother-daughter moment.”

I grinned and booped her on the muzzle. “You ruined it. I just pointed it out.”

“Suuure...” She groaned, rolling her eyes. “Just like how you only pointed out that 'muffin' can have several meanings?”

I shrugged. “What can I say? I have a dirty, dirty mind.”

“Yeah, kinda hard not to notice that. S’funny, whenever you’re not using it to traumatize me.” She grinned and rubbed the side of her head. “S’probably a good thing my maybe-future mother-in-law is a head doc, ‘cause I’m gonna need a ton of therapy after putting up with you. ‘Course, once she finds out how nuts you’ve made me...”

“Relax, Aunt Wind is pretty familiar with my quirks by now.” Granted, she had tried to get me to talk about them a few times. I probably had a couple dozen business cards from various psychologists she recommended I have a chat with. I didn’t need a professional to tell me I had a ton of unresolved issues, I could tell that just fine by myself.

“Guess she would know you pretty well,” Sparkler agreed. She went quiet, staring at me and shuffling around on the sofa for nearly a minute before she finally spoke up again. “Hey, question for you.”

“Yeah?”

“What brought you over?” She brought up a hoof to forestall any answer. “Don’t get me wrong, s'awesome you were here to celebrate with us for Dinks's cutie mark, but you didn’t know about that before you got here. I know Mom figured you were just crashing in on us to get a free home-cooked dinner, but I’m not sure I buy that either. I figured after the whole crazy Tirek thing you and Fluttershy would be joined at the hip for a while.” She groaned, and blushed and buried her face in a pillow, her voice coming out very muffled. “And please don’t elaborate on you and her being ‘joined at the hip.’ I’m traumatized enough as it is.”

“You bring it on yourself,” I shot back without an ounce of pity. I took advantage of her histrionics to decide how best to answer her question. I preferred not to lie, but I also didn’t want to spill the beans to her. “There's some stuff I want to talk over with your mother. Private stuff, which is why it’s waiting until she puts Dinky to bed.”

Her horn lit up, and a second later all the random little background noise coming from elsewhere in the house vanished. I recognized a silence spell when I was in the middle of one. Sparkler nervously rubbed her hooves together. “Uh ... is it anything I can help with? I might not be Mom, but y’know I’d...”

“Yeah, I know.” I smiled at her, then gently shook my head. “Sorry though, it’s not really something you could help with. Not directly at least. It’s ... kind of a just between her and me sort of thing.” One of my hooves started unconsciously drifting towards my belly, and I quickly pulled it back to more normal territory.

“Oh.” She frowned, looking slightly put out, but then a moment later her eyes widened and her ears perked back up. “Oh! That’s what’s going on. That’s ... s’cool. She never says anything about it, but...” She reached over and gently took one of my hooves in her own, squeezing it. “I can tell there’s time when she misses having you as ... well, more than just a friend. If you wanna get back together with her, that’d be cool with me.”

Oh. Oh horseapples. How was I supposed to get out of this without crushing her hopes? And those hopes were going to be crushed, at least in the short term. I wasn’t opposed to the idea of maybe hooking back up with Derpy at some point, either as just adding benefits to our friendship or (with Blossom and Eepy’s approval) taking things further. But that certainly wasn’t anything I wanted to do now. I had this whole pregnancy issue to deal with, I really didn’t need a major relationship shakeup on top of that.

I might not have said anything but I suppose my silence and whatever expression was on my face had already given away what I was thinking. Sparkler’s perked-up ears slowly dropped flat against her skull, and her hopeful smile shifted to a sad frown. “Oh. Um ... right. So it’s not ... yeah. Sorry, guess I shouldn’t’ve said anything.” Her eyes flicked back and forth, and she awkwardly got up from the couch. “So, uh, I guess I’ve got, like, college paperwork to get together and stuff. I’ll get on that, and you can ... yeah.”

She turned on her hooves and slowly trudged out of the room. I wanted to stop her, but there wasn’t really any way I could explain. Not without telling her what was really going on, and getting into way too much detail on a whole lot of messy issues I wasn’t ready to discuss with her yet. She was a good kid, but she was still a kid in a lot of ways.

Still, that meant Dinky and Sparkler were both in their bedrooms now. So I guess it was time to spill the beans to Derpy. That was going to be a fun talk. I sighed and pulled myself off the couch. Okay, it wouldn’t be fun at all, but I still needed to do it.

I found Derpy in the kitchen, working on washing the dishes. She seemed to be lacking her usual bubbly enthusiasm, but at the time I attributed that to being at the end of a long, exciting day. Derpy’s no slouch, but an excited Dinky was a ball of energy that could wear just about anypony out. It reminded me of when Rainbow had taken her out for her first Nightmare Night, and consequently been on the receiving end of Dinky’s first sugar rush. Which resulted in Rainbow pounding down my door at one in the morning, asking if I had any idea where Dinky’s ‘off switch’ was.

I trotted up to the other side of the sink, lightly tapping Derpy’s shoulder to let her know I was there. “Hey. Need any help?”

“No, I've...” She looked down at the remaining dishes, then shrugged and passed me the dishrag. “Sure. Thanks. It's only a few more left.”

I took the towel and got to work on Derpy’s incredibly sturdy dishes. I swear, you could smack those plates with a sledgehammer and the hammer would break first. “Dinky and Sparkler have gone to bed. Dinky’s tummyache miraculously vanished when she thought she might be able to get more cookies.”

Derpy nodded, though her eyes never left the sink. “Thanks for seeing them off. I was afraid Dinky would be bouncing off the walls until after midnight.” She worked through the rest of the dirty dishes with remarkable efficiency, despite how dull and lethargic her movements were, “They love having you over.”

“I love coming over. And not just because of the free home-cooked meals.” I finished drying the last of the dishes, and turned my full attention to Derpy. There was definitely more going on than just her being a bit worn out after a long day. She wasn’t just tired she was ... well, not happy. Maybe not all the way to unhappy, but there was definitely a distinct lack of joy. Which was worrying when Derpy was generally a pretty happy pony, and especially worrying when she ought to be in a good mood because of Dinky getting her cutie mark. She offered me a nod and a halfhearted smile when she saw me looking, but I could tell her heart wasn’t in it.

She trotted over to a locked cabinet and fiddled with it for a minute, until I heard the sharp snap of breaking metal. I quickly trotted over to see what had happened and found Derpy holding a large, thick padlock that she’d somehow snapped in half. She stared at the broken lock in dazed confusion. “How the...?”

I quickly put a hoof over my mouth to hide my laughter. “Why are you even surprised? I’d think you’d be used to that kind of thing by now.”

Derpy sighed and set the broken lock on the kitchen counter, grumbling, “That’s the third one this year...” She opened up the cabinet and pulled out a very nice and quite expensive-looking bottle. “Maybe I should just hide this under a pile of spinach. Dinky wouldn't touch it with a broomstick. Plus I’m pretty sure Sparkler’s trying to learn how to pick locks anyway. Assuming she doesn’t just get your cousin to supply her with cider whenever she comes to town.”

“Accusing my cousin of providing booze to her below-drinking-age girlfriend...” I would speak up in defense of Star’s honor, but honestly I’d be kind of surprised if Star wasn’t doing that. Granted, I expected her to show some restraint and judgement about it. Letting Sparkler steal a few sips of her cider was one thing; getting Sparkler utterly smashed was something else.

My eyes lingered on the bottle, quite curious about just what could be in such a nice and expensive container. Though a pointed twinge from my stomach reminded me that my new ... condition made actually drinking any of it a terrible idea. I was still allowed to at least indulge vicariously, though. “So what do you have there?”

“Raspberry wine, with a hint of elderberries.” Derpy popped out the cork, and to my vague surprise didn’t damage the bottle in the process. “It's some kind of gryphon vintage Daddy likes. He brought home a couple bottles from his last trip to Westmarch.”

“Nice.” Once more, I found myself regretting my current condition. At least half of it had to be pure psychology. I usually didn’t even drink all that often, but now that I couldn’t it really bugged me every time I missed a chance. “I’m afraid I'll have to pass for now, but go ahead and enjoy yourself.”

However, what was a little surprising was that Derpy herself was indulging. She’d been understandably leery of alcohol ever since Dinky’s conception at a party she could barely remember with a stallion who had been equally smashed. For a long time she hadn’t touched any form of booze, and even after she’d relaxed her stance it was pretty rare for her to drink. And I couldn’t recall her ever being the one to pull out the booze herself.

Derpy shrugged, then pulled a single glass out of the cabinet. “Suit yourself.” She filled her glass up, then took it and the bottle to the living room. She carefully set the bottle down on the coffee table, then settled down onto the couch, sipping her wineglass. She glanced over at me, then pointedly scooted over to make room.

I took a seat next to her, trying to think of how to broach the topic I’d come to discuss. It wasn’t like I just randomly blurt out ‘Hey, I’ve got a bun in the oven!’ Not that what I went with was a massive improvement on that. “So ... uh ... um...”

Derpy took a light sip of her wine, then shot a curious look my way. “Yes?”

After a bit more hesitation, I took the coward’s way out. “Dinky getting her cutie mark. Big day, huh?” I would work my way up to the whole pregnancy thing. Later.

“Yeah, it was.” She smiled wistfully down the hall, towards Dinky’s bedroom, then took a hasty sip of her wine to try and hide her watering eyes. “Big, just like her.” She let out a soft sniffle. “Oh my little baby's all grown up now...”

“Not all grown up, but certainly a lot more than she was yesterday.” I grinned and put a wing over her shoulders. “Pretty great, isn't it?”

For long time Derpy didn’t say anything. Then she gave a single sharp, almost perfunctory nod before she hastily finished off the rest of her glass. She promptly filled it back up, all the way to the brim, then stared down at it, completely silent.

“Isn't it?” I asked again, this time inflecting it as an actual question.

Derpy hastily wiped her eyes and nodded again. “It is, it i-is...” She coughed and cleared her throat. “Sorry, I'm sorry, it’s...”

Well, that confirmed that not all was well. “Hey...” I tightened my wing around her and pulled her in for a proper hug. “What's wrong, sweetie?”

Derpy immediately returned the hug, clinging to me like a drowning mare and burying her face in my chest. “Sh-she's growing up too fast, Cloud. They're growing uh—up t-too fast, I don't want th-them to leave.”

“Whoa...” I gently rubbed her back. “Easy there, Derpy. They're not leaving.”

“Sparkler is.” She pulled back from my chest to wipe her eyes. “And Dinky’s ... she's got her cutie mark now. Everypony knows that’s when a little filly starts growing up. She’s not my little baby any more, now she’s my young mare...”

“Derpy...” I gave her a reassuring little nuzzle. “Relax. Dinky's just got her cutie mark. It's not like she's moving out tomorrow.”

She sighed and swiped a wing across her eyes. “I know, I know.” She nuzzled me in return, pulling me a bit closer to her. “But Sparkler’s going away to college before too much longer, and now Dinky’s ... it's hard n-not to think about it.” She sniffled and grabbed a tissue, blowing her nose. “Sorry. I don't mean to...”

“It's fine.” I certainly preferred talking to her about her problems over dealing with any of mine. “For what it’s worth, I think I understand what you're going through. Your kids are growing up, and you’re afraid that one day they’re going to leave you behind. They’ll both go out and live their own lives, and you’ll be stuck here with an empty nest.”

Derpy sighed and nodded glumly, downing another glass of wine. “Cloud ... ever since I got pregnant with Dinky, my whole life has been about my girls. Sure, I have my friends and my job, but ... the girls were always the most important thing. They’re the center of my universe. But ... but I’m not ... Cloud, they’re going to leave! I don’t know what I’ll do with myself without them! I don’t have anything that could fill the hole they’re going to leave behind.”

She slumped down in the couch, filling her glass again. “I'm not ready for them to grow up yet, Cloud. I...” She groaned and ran a hoof through her mane. “I don't know how to say it. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, I just...”

I gently squeezed her with my wing. “Just say whatever's on your mind. I’m here to listen.”

She nodded and sipped her glass, her eyes drifting over to a wall that was practically covered in photos of Derpy and her daughters. “Do you remember Dinky's first birthday?” She pointed to a photo of little baby Dinky, wearing a party hat and covered in frosting. “I tried so hard to keep her clean all day, and she then just planted her face right into that cake. She was such a mess. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get frosting out a foal’s mane?”

I snickered as the memories came back. “Yeah...”

She smiled wistfully as her eyes moved further down the wall. “Or—or do you remember when Cirrus was on diaper duty that one time I caught the feather flu? I still can't believe he a-actually borrowed a Guard-issue gas mask for that.” She chuckled and wiped her eyes. “And Rainbow painted a mustache on it before she left...”

I chuckled, in part because I’d helped her pull that one off. “Yeah, good times.” I leaned against Derpy, quietly supporting her.

“They were, weren’t they?” She pressed against me, but just when I thought she was finally starting to relax, her smile faded. “I never even got those times with Sparkler. We were so happy to have her in our family, but she was already a teenager when I adopted her. And even after I brought her home it was months before she really came out of her shell and started trusting me. And now she’s...”

I gave her another squeeze. “You still had plenty of good times with her, Derpy.”

“I know I did.” She sniffled and downed some more wine. “I wouldn't trade the time we had together for anything in the world. I just wish we’d had more.”

She sighed and pressed against me, getting cozy enough that we were right on the borderline between just being friendly and something else. She didn’t say anything, she just stayed close to me and steadily worked on emptying her wine bottle. After long enough to make it just a little awkward, she nuzzled me. “Thank you, Cloud. Really. It’s great to have somepony here who’s willing to listen to me and ... just, thank you.”

“Anytime,” I assured her. “That’s what friends are for.”

Something flickered across her eyes, and then she slowly nodded. “While I have you here, I wanted to run something by you. It's ... well, I'm glad it's you here, and not Rainbow or somepony else.”

“Yeah?” I had a feeling I knew where this was going, and I was tempted to nip it in the bud. But there was a chance I was wrong, and if I got started on gently letting her down only to find out that she wasn’t trying to hook back up with me, it’d be awkward for everypony. Well, more awkward than it was already. “What is it?”

She sniffled and waved her hoof at a photo of herself with Dinky and Sparkler. “I—I want to have another one.”

Oh.

Well.

I hadn’t been expecting that. “You want to have another kid?”

She nodded. “I've done some thinking and looked at my finances, and between the raise I got a couple months ago and Sparkler moving out for college, I should be alright on that front.” She sighed and ran a hoof through her mane. “Much as I’m not a wild about her plans to join the Guard, it does take care of tuition.” She turned back to me, a shaky grin on her face. “Anyway, ... I'm ready for another one.”

Oh dear Shadow, she was serious. “Um ... that’s ... wow.” I ran a hoof through my mane, and asked a question I had a feeling I would regret. “Have you decided who would be the sire?”

She paused and smiled shyly at me. “Okay, I guess I’m only mostly ready. I, uh, I haven't really worked that part out yet.” But the way her eyes lingered on me for a long moment after she said that gave me a feeling she already had somepony in mind.

Unless she’d had a secret affair I’d never heard anything about—not likely in a gossipy small town like Ponyville—I was the only pony she’d been in a serious relationship with since before Dinky had been born. And even if our relationship hadn’t quite worked out, we were still on very good terms. When it came to searching for somepony willing to put a baby in her, it seemed logical to guess that my name was at the top of the list.

I just had to hope she wouldn’t ask me outright. There are a lot of things I would do for a friend, but conceiving a child was really pushing the limits of friendship. Especially when I was already dealing with one baby; the last thing I needed was to add a second foal to the mix.

So I carefully ignored any subtle hints of implications Derpy might have been sending my way. “Probably need to decide who the sire is. That’s kind of an important detail when you want to have a kid. Especially since they’ll probably want some role in the foal’s life.”

She smiled sheepishly up at me. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. But ... well, no sense asking anypony to sire my baby until I know for sure that I’m having one.” She nodded, a resolute expression on her face. “But I've been thinking about it for a while now, Cloud. And the more I think about it, the more certain I am. I want another one.”

I asked the biggest question on my mind. “Why?”

She blinked in surprise, wrong-hoofed by my inquiry. “What?”

“Why do you want another kid?” I repeated.

“Because I...” She hesitated, her gaze dropping down to her wineglass. She blinked, seeming almost surprised that it was empty. She filled it back up, then immediately drained half of it. She blinked a couple more times, then cleared her throat. “Because I want to have a foal, Cloud.”

I frowned skeptically. “So you want to have a foal because ... you want to have a foal? No other reasons for it?”

“What other reason does there need to be?” she asked, squaring her shoulders defensively. “I feel ready for another baby in my family, and it’s my decision. Honestly, I’m a little surprised you even had to ask why I would want to have another foal. If any of us was ready for a kid to come along... well, I mean, it'd be me, right?

I couldn’t help flinching at that. She was certainly right about that. I wasn’t ready for a kid at all, and now one of my best friends was desperate for one. It was like some evil trickster had switched things around on us.

Note to self: find Discord and kick him in the sensitive bits. Not that I actually believed he was responsible for any of this, or that trying to kick him had the slightest chance of actually working. I just figured I had to at least try to do something to him after what Rainbow told me he’d gotten up to during the whole Tirek thing.

Derpy must’ve come to her own conclusions about why I’d flinched, because she quickly hugged me. “Hey, Cloud, it's okay. You didn’t hurt my feelings. I know you’re just looking out for me.”

I sighed and accepted the hug, reluctantly resolving to push the issue one last time. “You're not thinking about having another kid just so you won't have an empty nest, right?”

She froze, her wings slowly drooping down. “It’s ... it’s not just that, no.”

“But that's part of it?” I pressed.

She sighed and all but lay down on the couch, pressing her entire body against mine. “I don't want to—that's not—” She let out a loud sigh, like air escaping a balloon after somepony punched a small hole in it. “When you say it like that, you make it sound cheap. Like I’m just having a baby so I won’t feel lonely. We’re talking about bringing a new pony into the world. I wouldn’t do something that important just because I’m afraid I’ll die alone.”

This time, my flinch had nothing to do with my pregnancy. As the only pony who’d been in a real relationship with her for years, I couldn’t help but feel a bit responsible for her current loneliness. Sure, we’d broken up for some pretty good reasons, but before we’d called it quits we’d had some very good times together. And part of the whole problem with our relationship had been that she wanted me to seriously commit to being there in the long term when I hadn’t been ready for anything like that.

But now she was so lonely and scared she was thinking of having another child just to fill the void. A void I could’ve helped her with if things had worked out. That left me feeling more than a little guilty.

She nodded to herself, seeming more certain of her decision with every passing moment. “So, yes. That's ... yes. That's what I want.” She topped off her glass again. “Thanks for hearing me out, Cloud. It's nice to just be able to get that out in the open instead of bottling it all up inside.”

I sighed and reluctantly nodded. There wasn’t any point in trying to argue with her, at least not right now. Plus I just wasn’t in the mood for it. “Anytime, Derpy. It’s what friends do.”

She emptied her glass again, then curled up against me, pressing in close enough to make me feel slightly uncomfortable. I told myself it was just the wine putting her in a snuggly mood. I didn’t have much experience with Derpy when she’d been overindulging, but what I knew told me that she was a very lovey drunk.

I could feel her smiling against my chest fur. “So now that I'm done moping...” She gently nuzzled along my ribs. “How are you doing?”

I took a deep breath and got down to the whole reason I’d come here in the first place. “Well, I've got some big news...”

Author's Note

As always, thanks to my pre-reading and editing team for all their hard work. Also, I would like to thank all my dedicated Patreon supporters. You guys are awesome.

Click here if you want to join the list of awesome people who support my writing.

Aidan Hall
Benjamin McLaren
Brayden
Brion Wauters
Christopher A Cope
Combine
Comma-Kazie
Cyanhyde
DaB.
David Han
Deep Cover
Dixie Daley
djthomp
Emlyn Costilow
FallenAngelXy
Jade Walters
James Miller
Jeffrey Martin
Justin Emery
Karl Bragisen
MoistGooDragon
Patrick
Ponibius
Steven Ilten
TheAccidentalBrony
Trinary
waritah
Zennyth

Back Off Track

After that rather draining night at the Doo household, I showed up early at the train station the next day. Since Star was coming, Sparkler tagged along with me. Sure, this was a family visit, but Star would still appreciate having her fillyfriend around. Plus, they were both still young and hormonal enough that, once they’d made sure Storm was alright, they’d probably wanna sneak off somewhere and bang like a pair of horny bunnies. Incidentally, thanks to all the time I’ve spent with Fluttershy lately, I can confirm that rabbits deserve their reputation.

I’ll take a moment now to silently thank Shadow, Celestia, and any other relevant beings that Fluttershy decided to have Angel Bunny fixed. The last thing Equestria needed were dozens of Angel Juniors running around. Plus, the fact that Angel’s balls had been snipped off amused me.

I showed up early, partly in case the train showed up early and partly because I hadn’t wanted to spend too much longer at Derpy’s. It had been just a little awkward revealing I had a bun in the oven right after Derpy told me how much she wanted a kid. Especially when I admitted that I wasn’t sure at all about having one. She might not have said anything, but I could feel the unasked question kind of hanging in the air. She didn’t have a baby, but wanted one; I had a baby, but didn’t want it. There was an obvious solution.

Yeah, aside from all the massive awkwardness for everypony involved, it was a great idea.

Shortly after we arrived at the Ponyville train station, I spotted two other ponies slowly making their way towards us. Storm was trudging along slowly enough that I suspected she still ought to be in bed, not running around Ponyville. Or at least, slowly and painfully hobbling through the town. Twilight seemed to agree, judging by the way she was practically (and at least once, literally) hovering over her guardian.

I smiled and waved as the two of them joined us on the platform. “Hey, cousin, Princess. Glad to see you’re up and about. How you doing?”

Storm dropped down onto a bench with a relieved sigh, then nodded to me. It took her a couple seconds of heavy breathing before she could answer. “I have been better, but for somepony who was hit with several large trees a few days ago I am doing quite well.”

I couldn’t quite meet her eyes. Between what Twilight had said, and what she had pointedly left unsaid, I’d gotten the idea that I came way too close to not having a cousin at all. That was a very sobering thought. Especially since if things had gone bad, the last time we’d ever spoken to each other might have been us butting heads over a bunch of stupid stuff that didn’t really matter. Not the note I wanted to end things on, especially after what had happened to Mom.

I couldn’t really put all those thoughts into words, though, so I settled on something simple but true. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

Storm nodded, but didn’t say anything. Twilight didn’t waste any time filling the resulting silence. “So you’re here waiting for your family too, Cloud? I'm sure you’re really expecting your family to show up. It is a big day. It's almost like a happy little accident, considering none of this was really planned.” She turned to Storm, an almost painful looking smile stretching her cheeks. “Who knows, Cloud might have some big news since you two last saw each other. I mean, meetings like this can be a bundle of joy.” There was a pregnant pause as her eyes nervously darted around and one of her ears twitched. “Is anypony hungry? I could go to Sugarcube Corner. They’ve probably got some buns in the oven.”

The princess vanished as she teleported away, leaving us all just a little bit stunned. Rainbow had warned me that Twilight could get a bit stressed out over keeping secrets, but I hadn’t expected her to have that much trouble with it. It was probably a good thing I planned to tell Storm along with the rest of my family, so Princess Purpleplot wouldn’t be holding onto that particular secret for much longer. There were probably laws against stressing out a princess, even one who tended to be a bit naturally high strung.

Sparkler stared at the spot where Twilight had been standing a moment ago, then shook her head. “If you are what you eat, then damn does Spike need to take nuts out of her diet.”

“Her Highness is not nuts,” Storm answered stiffly. “She is just ... well ... this is not particularly unusual for her, at least. The last few days have been difficult for her.”

“Exactly.” I didn’t want anyone focusing too much on what exactly had Twilight so worked up this time. Not if I wanted to keep control over the big news. “Her home got blown up, she’s allowed to be a bit stressed out. As long as she’s not locked up in her basement coming up with crazy plans to blow up the moon in order to win a prank war, I don’t think we need to worry.”

“That was an unusual and rather unique incident,” Storm groused, no doubt feeling obligated to defend her princess’s honor. “Not to mention she was provoked. One of her books had been deliberately misshelved.” That last statement might have come out a little more convincingly if she had managed to look me in the eye for it instead of glancing awkwardly at the far corner.

“Which made blowing up the moon a perfectly rational and proportionate response,” I agreed, perfectly deadpan. Storm’s faintly annoyed glower indicated that she didn’t appreciate my sense of humor. Everypony’s a critic.

Any further debate on Twilight’s lovable eccentricities came to an abrupt end with the return of the mare herself, reappearing in another flash of light and carrying a large box from Sugarcube Corner. She smiled at all of us, though her eyes lingered on my belly for just a second too long. “Hi again, everypony. They had croissants.”

“Cool, thanks.” I opened up the pastry box and snagged a chocolate one. As was the case with anything made at Sugarcube Corner, it was delicious and probably a little unhealthy. After all, Pinkie’s baking style tended to involve butter, sugar, sprinkles, frosting, and just enough flour to hold it all together.

Before I could take a second bite, my breakfast was yanked away, encased in Twilight’s magical aura. A moment later, something else that vaguely resembled a croissant took its place in my hooves. “Here, I had this one made special, just for you. It’s made of gluten-free whole wheat with no added sugar or fat, and stuffed with bean curd. All organic ingredients too, of course. It’s much healthier and still every bit as delicious. Not that your current diet is unhealthy, but it never hurts to improve. Especially when ... well, it’s always good to eat healthy, right?”

I sniffed the thing that was technically still a croissant cautiously, then hesitantly took a small bite. That was enough to tell me that, for all her virtues, Twilight never would’ve been able to use the Element of Honesty. It was not as good as a chocolate croissant. At all.

However, Twilight had unleashed a cute, hopeful little smile that was just begging for my approval as I forced myself to chew and swallow. It was probably the same smile she used on Celestia whenever she’d turned in an assignment. It practically screamed, ‘Did I do good? Please tell me I did good, because I tried really, really hard to get this exactly right!’ Unfortunately I’ve always been a sucker for a cute smile, and Twilight’s adorkable ones are very cute.

I took a deep breath and then forced down another bite, every single one of my taste buds screaming in protest. “It’s ... it tastes really healthy.”

Twilight’s smile shifted from nervously seeking my approval to happy and relieved, the tension leaving her shoulders and her wings resting a bit more naturally. “Good! I’m glad you like it. Maybe I can talk to Pinkie about making more for you.”

Dammit.

Twilight continued on, oblivious to my dismay. “So are you feeling alright?”

I sighed and bit into the technically edible thing I was holding in my hooves. I tried to tell myself that it tasted better now that I was used to it. “I'm managing. Better than I was the other day, at least. Had some time to think it all over.”

Twilight smiled back and gave me a pat on the shoulder. “Good to hear. You know my door is always open if you need anything.”

“Yeah, I know.” I hugged her, and thankfully Storm didn’t get all uptight about the fact that I was publicly showing her princess affection. “Thanks, Twilight. You’re a good friend.”

She returned the hug and chuckled self-consciously. “Well, I am the Princess of Friendship. I think I’m kinda obligated to be a good friend.” She held the hug for just a bit longer than normal, then slowly let go. “So, I bet you’re looking forward to seeing your family. Fluttershy mentioned you wanted to talk to them.”

“Yeah.” I wondered how many of the details Eepy had given Twilight. I wouldn’t have blamed her for needing somepony to confide in, and Twilight would be one of the best choices if only because she already knew I was pregnant.

Storm gently cleared her throat. “It will be nice to see them again. I have not seen Mom and Dad since I moved to Ponyville, and considering how the last time Star was here for a few days went...”

“She brought it on herself,” I opined, grinning at my cousin. “You know I don’t take sides in your off-and-on sibling warfare, but I was almost tempted to warn Star about what happens when you poke a sleeping dragon after she pranked Twilight. Magical prodigy alicorns can take pranks to a whole new level when sufficiently provoked.”

A shiver ran down Sparkler’s spine. “Don’t remind me. Never should’ve let Star talk me into helping her. Or at least, should’ve had the sense to not hit Twilight too.”

The princess grinned at Ponyville’s brat-in-chief. “Sorry, I don’t think that would’ve worked. Considering the circumstances, it would’ve been my princessly duty to help protect my bodyguard from such an unprovoked pranking assault.”

“It wasn’t unprovoked,” Sparkler shot back. “Don’t let that stoic face fool you, she gives as good as she gets. Right before Storm left Canterlot, she stuck a gremlin under Star’s bed.“

“There is a simple, perfectly reasonable explanation for what happened,” Storm answered with dignity and grace, nibbling her croissant with perfect ladylike poise. “I would never lower myself to pull a prank on Star. Such behavior is not befitting an officer and a gentlemare. Though when I heard of the event which absolutely nopony can prove I had any involvement in, I will confess to thinking that my sister is an annoying little brat, and she got exactly what she deserved.”

“Yeah, sure,” Sparkler shot back with a suspicious glare. “I’m sure it’s a coincidence that one wound up under your sister’s bed right after the Patrol cleared out a nest of them in the Canterlot tunnels.”

“As you pointed out, there was an infestation in the city,” Storm countered, her face perfectly blank. “I am sure many ponies had the misfortune of running across one.”

“‘Misfortune’ is a good word for it,” Twilight chimed in, wearing an eager smile that could only mean she was about to give us all a lecture on gremlins. “After all, gremlins are notorious for causing all kinds of bad luck for ponies who cross their path, as well as sabotaging complicated machines. Fortunately, the bad luck they cause isn’t as bad as an entropy curse; it’s usually just extremely annoying.”

“As the princess said,” Storm murmured, the barest hint of a smile on her stoic face. “My sister just had a run of bad luck. Nothing serious. And even if somepony did somehow manufacture evidence that I were somehow involved in the matter, I would point out that Star used her tracking devices to—”

I cut her off with an upraised hoof. “Yeah, I’m sure there’s a long list of back-and-forth between you two. Hay, I’m pretty sure it all started when you threw some cake at Star during your second birthday party because you were jealous that the new baby was getting more attention than you.”

“It was my birthday, and she was upstaging me,” Storm calmly pointed out. “And I was two. You can hardly hold me morally accountable for my actions. Besides, she was six months old. Hardly a new baby anymore.”

Twilight covered her mouth in a vain attempt to hide a giggle, while Sparkler nodded sagely. “Ah, so that’s how the decades-long cycle of revenge started. I bet you two will still be messing with each other when you’re old and toothless.”

“I think there’s a bit of an unofficial truce now,” I pointed out, grinning at Twilight. “When one side of the prank war has an alicorn on it and the other doesn’t...”

Sparkler grimaced. “Yeah, unless we cut a deal with Discord or something, we’re kinda at an overwhelming disadvantage. Star n’I are good, but...”

“Her Highness has you outmatched,” Storm finished for her, nodding to Twilight. “I suppose I owe you my thanks for that, Highness. An unambiguous and total victory over my sister is a rare and precious thing.”

“Glad to help.” Twilight grinned at her, but after several seconds her smile slipped slightly. “You know, it’s really great that your sister has time to visit every once in awhile, and the rest of your family lives in Canterlot. I have to go all the way to the Crystal Empire if I want to see Shiny and Cadance. I don’t know when I’ll have time for that again now that I have so many new royal duties to take care of. Not to mention everything with the castle...” She sighed, her eyes shifting to the large crystalline palace that towered over Ponyville. “I guess I should consider myself fortunate I have somewhere to live after Tirek destroyed the library.”

I flinched sympathetically, and Storm frowned, stepping up. “Highness, I am sorry that I failed to—”

Twilight held up a hoof to cut her off. “It's not your fault, Storm. You nearly got yourself killed trying to protect me as it is. If anyone’s to blame for what happened to the library, it’s the monster that blew my home up.”

My cousin stubbornly set her hooves. “But if I had stopped him, or been present when you confronted him...”

Twilight shook her head. “Or if I had unlocked the Elements box sooner, or if Celestia hadn’t trusted Discord to take care of the problem, or if we’d let her have all our magical power instead of them giving it to me, or...” She trailed off, satisfied that she’d made her point. “We can play the ‘What if?’ game all day. What matters in the end is that everything turned out alright. We stopped Tirek, and he didn’t cause any damage we can’t fix.” She sighed, glancing at her new home. “I miss my old library, but I’m sure I’ll get used to the castle soon enough.”

“It seems nice enough,” Storm opined, looking at the castle far less critically than her princess. “Certainly it will take a while to adjust to the change, but I think it is ultimately for the best. No offense, Highness, but a princess ought to live somewhere a bit nicer than a small-town library. A palace provides a degree of royal prestige that suits your rank.”

“I guess.” From the way Twilight’s shoulders slumped, she clearly wasn’t too enthusiastic about the change. “I mean, it certainly looks very regal. With those big doors, long, featureless hallways, and all the massive and completely empty rooms...”

I trotted up to her and gave her a friendly little nuzzle. “Sounds like you need some ponies to fill the place up, if it’s that empty.”

Storm’s ears perked up. “Actually, that reminds me, Highness. We had been discussing expanding your royal guard, and now that you have an actual palace, this seems like the perfect opportunity to put that plan into action. It would look very strange if you had a palace without even a couple ceremonial guards at the entrance, in front of the throne room, and outside of your private quarters.”

Twilight frowned faintly. “You really think so, Storm? I’ve never needed guards in my bedroom before. I just locked my door before I go to bed. Why would that change just because my house is bigger and fancier now?”

Storm sighed patiently. “Because it is a palace, not a home. A home is a private residence. Palaces are generally seen as much more public. You will likely host diplomatic conferences, perform official government functions, accept petitions from the public, and so on. Not to mention it is expected; if you have a palace without any guards, it will be commented upon. The trappings of royal power—”

“Are vitally important to exercising royal power,” Twilight finished, waving a hoof and allowing the tiniest hint of resignation in her tone. If I knew my cousin, they’d had this conversation before. I suppose she technically had a point that Twilight often didn’t act very much like royalty, but to be honest that was one of my favorite things about her. If Twilight started acting as reserved and dignified as Princess Celestia, she wouldn’t be the adorkable nerd I liked so much. Not to mention it would suck if I had to go past three security checkpoints just to talk to her for a bit.

Twilight thought it over for a moment, then nodded. “I don’t want a bunch of guards scaring everypony away, but I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to have a few around the palace. If nothing else, they can make sure Spike doesn’t start eating it as soon as I turn my back. Though we're going to need to house all those soldiers...”

Storm smiled gratefully. “I already have plans drawn up for that. They’re sitting on my desk.” She paused, and her face fell. “... in the library. Right. I suppose I will need to rewrite that proposal.”

Twilight’s ears fell. “Right. I guess a lot of my old projects have been wrecked too. Replacing the books and my research equipment won’t be too hard; Celestia’s already given me more than enough money for that. But some of the things I lost can’t be bought in a store.”

Storm nodded gravely. “I had a few things there as well. Mostly personal effects—some family photos, my medal from the Equestria Games, and...” She trailed off, her eyes darting guiltily towards me. “Aunt Nimbus’s diary.”

Oh. Oh dammit.

I‘d refused to take the diary out of stubborn pride because Mom gave it to Storm instead of me, and now it was gone forever. Probably one of the last, most personal things my mother had left behind. Something that really would’ve let me connect to her in a way I’d missed out on for years. And it was gone. Because I’d been an idiot.

Storm misinterpreted my dismay. “Cloud, I am sorry about—”

“It’s not your fault,” I cut her off. “No way you could’ve anticipated the library getting blown up by an escaped super-monster. It’s just ... stuff happens, right?”

She nodded glumly. “Yes. Yes it does.”

That rather effectively murdered the conversation, and nopony said much more until Sparkler spotted the train on the horizon. We all waited eagerly as it pulled into the station. Thankfully, Ponyville’s such a small stop that my family was the first and only ones off the train.

Star took the lead, rushing over to Storm and checking her over before hugging her. I took a moment to appreciate the sight of the two of them actually showing that they cared about each other for once. In all likelihood they would go back to lighthearted bickering pretty soon. It’s kind of inevitable with their weird sibling rivalry.

Aunt Wind and Uncle Typhoon were a bit behind Star, though clearly no less worried. Plus Aunt Wind was technically a doctor, even if she was a psychologist rather than a combat medic. Naturally, the two of them fussing over Storm made her shoot a self-conscious look towards Twilight, probably worried that her carefully cultivated dignity and reserve was being flushed down the toilet. Fortunately, the princess was smiling and enjoying the spectacle.

I might have to make a point of getting Twilight’s parents to visit sometime. Turnabout was fair play, after all. Not to mention the fun I could have if Twilight’s mother was one of those types who constantly bugged their daughters to get married and produce grandkids. Maybe I could see about getting Aunt Wind to join me on my current quest to pair Twilight and Storm up. Star’s support was already a given, as long as it annoyed Storm.

Any further plotting about teasing my cousin and our princess came to an abrupt end when I spotted my sister charging me. “Cloudy!” She took off and flew the rest of the way to me, snagging me with a flying tackle-hug. “I've missed you!”

I grinned and returned it in earnest. “Hey there, 'Lula! Missed you too!”

Alula grinned and nuzzled me enthusiastically. “How're ya?”

I answered with the sort of polite lie you always tell kids who ask that. “Just super now that you’re here.” I grinned and ruffled her mane. “What about you? How’s my little bitty baby sister doing?”

“Notta baby,” Alula grumbled, trying to fix her mane. “But I’m good. School's boring, though.”

I couldn’t help snickering at that. Some things are pretty much universal to kids. Well, almost universal. Thankfully Twilight hadn’t overheard Alula’s comment, or my little sister might have found herself on the receiving end of a twenty minute lecture about the importance of education. “Yeah, but you learn lots of useful stuff there, so it's worth it.”

“I guess,” Alula groused. “But school in Ponyville’s more fun. I’ve got friends in Canterlot too, but I've missed Dinky. And you, too.”

“Well, you should be here long enough to visit everypony,” I reassured her. I wasn’t privy to all the details of the education system, but I vaguely recalled hearing that classes had been canceled for the rest of the week because everypony was busy cleaning up from Tirek’s rampage. “Tell you what: we can have a sleepover one night, if you want.” I paused a moment, then hastily amended. “No Crusaders, though.”

Once had been enough. Five high-energy fillies were too much for anypony to handle. Honestly, that whole incident had massively increased my respect for Cheerilee. She must have nerves of steel to handle an entire classroom of screaming children every single day.

Alula grinned and nuzzled me. “A sleepover with Dinky? Yay! Thanks, Cloudy!”

Dad, who had already gotten off the train a while ago, had been hanging back and watching the two of us with a smile. He’d always felt a bit bad about the fact that I didn’t get enough time with Alula since his job kept them both in Canterlot. He stepped up to the two of us, grinning at me. “Alula did mention a few stories about that big sleepover at your house. Don’t worry, I can sympathize with how much trouble it must’ve been. I remember how much of a hooffull it was with just you, Storm, and Star around.”

“And that was with me being old and responsible enough to help,” I chimed in.

“Right.” Dad playfully glowered at me. “I suppose you could interpret the things you got up to as helping. After all, without you giving them ideas for what sort of mischief to get up to, who knows what they would’ve done on their own?”

“Exactly,” I agreed with a disarming grin. “Little fillies were gonna cause trouble no matter what. I just pointed them in the safest, least-damaging direction.”

For some reason, Dad still looked very skeptical of my perfectly reasonable explanation. “I’m not sure your mother’s favorite lamp would agree that your suggestion for a game of indoor hoofball was perfectly safe.” He chuckled and shook his head, pulling me in for a quick hug. “But I suppose you have grown up a bit since then. And it would be good for you to spend some time with your sister. She's been looking forward to seeing you, even if I would’ve preferred to come under slightly happier circumstances.” He paused, glancing over at my cousin. “Though if Storm’s up and moving around, she must be in reasonably good health.”

“She probably ought to be in bed resting,” I admitted. “But then, I’m pretty sure Twilight could make her stay in bed if she really wanted to.” I paused, regretfully discarding several great jokes that I didn’t dare utter within my sister’s hearing. “And hey, it means I get to see my family again. I was actually thinking I needed to come to Canterlot for another visit sometime soon.” I grinned and plopped Alula onto my back so I could focus all my attention on Dad. “So how've you been?”

Now that my hooves were free, Dad gave me a quick hug. “I've been good, though my job has kept me very busy lately. The usual mix of a few bits of frantic crisis management alongside endless weeks of incredibly boring paperwork.”

“Sounds about right.” Back when I’d been at West Hoof, I always heard that Guard work was five weeks of absolute boredom followed by five minutes of absolute terror. “I guess it’s no surprise that running all those guardsponies keeps you busy.”

“Yeah.” He tossed a regretful look at ‘Lula. “I know I haven’t had as much time for family as I would’ve liked.”

Alula pouted from her perch on my back. “Yeah, Daddy never has enough time to play ninjas with me anymore! I only ever get to play with Star whenever she’s not working.”

Dad flinched slightly, and I quickly stepped in to do some damage control. “Well, good news, sis. I’ll have plenty of time to play ninjas with you this week.” Granted, I’d probably have to take it a little easy on account of my new condition, but that shouldn’t be a dealbreaker. I hadn’t really done much research on the subject, but I vaguely recalled hearing that for the first third of a pregnancy it didn’t really make much difference as far as what a mare could do physically.

Dad nodded gratefully to me. “I hope I’ll be able to join you two. It’s going to be a bit of a working vacation with me; there are several matters I want to discuss with Princess Twilight and Storm.” He sighed and shook his head. “Somepony has to keep the Guard moving towards a unified goal without it turning some sort of chaotic hydra.”

I grinned and slapped him on the back. “Lucky you, huh?”

He chuckled and nodded along. “I'd be lying if I said I didn’t want to be Captain of the Guard. The job’s a huge pain in the flank sometimes, but if you want to make a difference by being at the top, you have to own it when you get there.”

“Yeah, kinda how being in charge works.” Much as I like to tease Rainbow for how she runs the weather team, she deserved a lot of credit for the job she did. It was a hard job, but she did an amazing job keeping things running ... well not perfectly, but as smoothly as any organization like that could work.

I spotted Twilight levitating several suitcases, and realized my Dad and ‘Lula probably had bags too. “Hey, you guys need any help with…?” I trailed off as I noticed a unicorn mare I’d somehow overlooked while I was focused on my family. She was pretty cute, with a nice white coat and a simple but flattering pink mane and tail. There was something vaguely familiar about her, but I couldn’t put my hoof on what it was. Maybe I’d banged her at some point? I could remember all my partners since I’d moved to Ponyville, but my college years in Canterlot had been a fair bit wilder. Not to mention stuff like my trips to Las Pegasus.

But more important than the nagging sense of familiarity, the mare had Dad and Alula’s suitcases hovering in a blue magical field. “Huh.” I gave the mare another look, then turned back to Dad and pointed her out. “So ... did you guys hire a porter, or is that mare trying to steal your bags?”

Dad glanced back, then chuckled and waved the mare over. “Right, I should’ve introduced you to her sooner. I guess I wanted to get the family reunion out of the way first.” She trotted over, and there was an odd and slightly uncomfortable pause before Dad said. “Cloud, this is Mage-Captain Twinkleshine of the Royal Magus Corps. Twinkleshine, this is Cloud Kicker, my daughter.”

Twinkleshine smiled and shook my hoof. “Hello. It’s nice to finally meet you—I’ve heard so much about you from your father.”

I returned the hoofshake, trying to hide my confusion. “Er ... I wish I could say the same.” I threw a curious look Dad’s way. “So what’s the deal, Dad? Do you have your own personal magus now, or is she just here to help you out with your business?” Maybe as a consultant for whatever Dad was going to be talking over with Twilight? Having somepony who could translate Twilight’s genius-level discourse about all things magical and friendly into something a laypony could comprehend would be pretty useful.

Twinkleshine smiled faintly. “Not exactly...” She stepped a bit closer to Dad, then shot him a rather pointed look.

“Right...” Dad’s eyes darted between myself and Twinkleshine several times, and silence stretched out until it became almost painfully awkward. “Er ... well, Cloud, the thing you need to understand about this is that—”

“Miss Twinkleshine and Dad are friends,” Alula cut in. “She’s always hanging around and doing stuff with him. She even played ninjas with me once. But after we were done it got kinda weird, ‘cause she said she wasn’t trying to replace Mom.”

Wait, what? I could buy her being a work buddy of his, but what Alula said didn’t make any sense at all. Well, not unless...

Dad cleared his throat, then slowly wrapped a wing around Twinkleshine’s shoulder. “Well ... you see, Cloud. We’ve ... er, we’ve been dating. For about a month now.”

What?

What?!

I tried to wrap my head around what he’d just said, and utterly failed. I tried to manage it a couple more times, with similar success. I glanced to the side, hoping for some backup from anypony else in the family, but they’d already started trotting off towards the palace. “Oh, look! We better catch up or they’ll leave us behind.” I quickly trotted after them, grateful to have an excuse to hold off on answering them for a little bit longer.

I could understand what had happened on a strictly intellectual level. There’s no ironclad rules on exactly how long an appropriate mourning period for a dead spouse was, and Mom had been gone for more than two years. Most ponies would say that was long enough. Hay, I would probably say that if it was anypony else.

But it wasn’t some random stranger. This was my dad. And he was dating. He was with somepony who wasn’t Mom. It just ... it just felt wrong.

I finally turned my attention back to Dad and Twinkleshine, and noticed that both of them were smiling nervously while trading worried looks. Probably because instead of actually responding to the news I was just trudging towards the palace silently, probably with a weird look on my face. I tried to give my brain a quick kick in the cerebellum to get it to a point where it could at least fake politeness. “Oh. So you two ... um ... that's ... er ... congrats, I guess?”

Dad talked very slowly and carefully, and some instinct told me he’d probably practiced this speech a dozen times in front of the mirror. “Thank you. We're both hoping you'll be okay with this. I know this is a bit of a surprise, and it’s probably a lot for you to adjust to, but we’re both very happy together.”

Twinkleshine smiled at me, though it looked just a tad forced and her eyes kept nervously darting back to Dad. “Your father is a really great pony. I've really enjoyed spending time with him. He’s told me a lot about you, and I've really been looking forward to meeting you. I know it’s probably a bit weird for you, but I was hoping we could be friends.”

Friends? Oh yeah, sure, I could totally be friends with her. The only potential problem with that was the teeny tiny, minor little detail that she was banging my dad!

I took another long moment to gather my composure before I started freaking out and causing a scene. Which, if my Dad’s worried look cast my way was anything to judge by, was exactly what he was afraid I would do. After several more seconds, I managed to gather my wits and force my mouth to shift its muscles so I could smile. “Yeah. Sure thing. Hey, if you two are happy together, I'm fine with it.”

“Thank you, Cloud.” Dad and his ... his girlfriend shared another long look. “I was really hoping you two would be able to spend some time together. Get to know one another.”

“Yeah, sure.” That came out sounding a bit more brusque and dismissive than I’d intended. Ugh, I was not in the mood to pretend I was okay with this, but I also didn’t want be a nag about it. So instead I opted for a third option, and tried to figure out why I’d thought Twinkleshine looked sort of familiar. “Though there’s something about you ... I could swear we’ve met before.” I ran through what little I knew about her and hit on an idea. “Did you take any classes at West Hoof while you were training to become a magus?”

Twinkleshine immediately nodded. “Yeah. I was enrolled at the School for Gifted Unicorns, but considering I was going to join the Magus Corp it seemed like a good idea to take a couple military science courses too. That’s why I have dual rank.”

I’d guessed as much. Technically, the Mage Corps had always operated semi-independently with its own ranking and chain of command. Mostly because a lot of magi just weren’t soldiers; the majority of them did all their work in a library or a laboratory. If a magus also had military rank, it meant they’d been trained as a warmage and actually knew how to lead troops on the battlefield.

I made a logical guess from there. “So did you take Magical Coordination with Colonel Lightning?” Considering the class was all about teaching magi and Guard officers how to work together, it was the most likely place I would’ve run into her.

She grinned. “Oh yes, I remember him. I always loved the way he almost seemed to be bouncing off the walls during lectures.”

“Who doesn’t remember him?” Dad cut in. “He’d just started teaching when I went to West Hoof. Probably my favorite professor there.”

“I liked him too.” He’d been one of those teachers who you could almost instantly tell just really loved his subject of choice, and his sheer enthusiasm had been kind of infectious. When I’d gone to his office for some help with a paper, he wound up talking my ear off for nearly an hour.

“Everypony did,” Twinkleshine agreed. “He seemed to be having the time of his life during our practical tests. I admit, it was pretty fun to partner up with a cadet and run through all those...” She trailed off, staring at me with my mouth hanging half-open. “Waaait a minute! Final exams in Colonel Lightning’s class! My partner grabbed a bunch of clouds and hammered them into a fogbank—”

“And then you gave me a clearsight spell,” I nodded as the memories came back. “Then I tightened up that fog so that it turned into clouds pinning down the pegasi, and you hit them with a bunch of illusions and thunderflash spells.”

Twinkleshine grinned. “And that left them all so disoriented and out of position that it was easy to flank them and clean them up.”

Those happy smiles at the memory of our shared victory lasted for a couple more seconds before my brain caught up with all the terrible implications. Sure, I’d already noticed that Twinkleshine was a lot younger than my Dad. Which ... well, I was kinda torn between thinking he was robbing the cradle and being impressed that he still had the old Kicker mojo. But it was a bit different to realize that I’d actually gone to school with the mare who could potentially one day be my new stepmother. That was just ... not a fun thing to think about.

Well, at least I hadn’t banged her. That would’ve made this whole thing ten times worse.

Dad’s smile didn’t reach his eyes, and the corners of his mouth looked almost painfully stretched. “Well ... I suppose it's good that you two have something in common, at least. And if you worked well together ... erm, in school, then I suppose it shouldn’t be too hard for you to get along now, right?”

Twinkleshine nodded uncertainly “Yeah, if we got along at West Hoof I'm sure we can manage it now.” She glanced slightly behind me, catching Alula’s eyes from her perch on my back. “It has been pretty great to spend time with your sister. We’ve had a lot of fun together, right, Alula?”

Alula shot a nervous look my way, then slowly nodded. “Yeah, it was alright, I guess. It was kinda fun playing ninjas with you when you used your magic to make pretend-evil ninjas for me to beat up and stuff.”

I had to admit, that did sound pretty cool. I would have to ask Twilight if she would mind setting up something like that for me. For some reason, I really wanted to show my little sister that I could give her a way better game of ninjas than my dad’s new girlfriend. I smiled back at my little sister. “Well, I guess I’m glad you two are getting along.”

“Yeah,” Alula agreed, not quite meeting my eyes.

Things turned quiet and awkward for a long moment, until Dad awkwardly changed the subject. “Well, it seems like Storm’s doing reasonably well. She was healthy enough to meet us at the station, even if she is looking sore and tired.”

I was pretty sure that had already come up earlier, but I would take anything over the current awkwardness, even a conversation we’d already had. At least Storm’s medical condition was a nice, safe topic. “Yeah, she should probably still be in bed, taking it easy.” I glanced over at my cousin, noting how Star was leaning against her side in a way that looked both sisterly and designed to let Storm rest some weight on her. “I guess she inherited the Kicker Stubbornness Gene. Twilight probably figured just going along with it would be less stressful for both of them than fighting her on it.”

“Her mother’s the same way,” Dad chuckled and grinned at my aunt. “Oh, Wind can be flexible most of the time, but once she sets her hooves it would be easier to move a mountain. She has to be tough to handle those two.” He waved at my cousins.

“What are you talking about?” Twinkleshine asked innocently. “They look like loving, supportive sisters.” She poked Dad in the side. “I always thought you were exaggerating with all those stories about their sibling rivalry.”

Dad opened his mouth to defend his honesty, but I grinned and cut him off. “No no, it’ll be funnier if she finds out for herself.”

There are times when I can be an evil, evil mare.

Before there could be any further discussion on the matter, we turned a corner and the others got their first good look at Twilight’s new home. Dad gave it a quick once-over, and judging from the way his eyes narrowed thoughtfully he was probably more concerned with its defensibility than its aesthetics. Not that I could blame him when Ponyville suffered semi-regular monster attacks. “So that's what it looks like. Huh. Not what I would have expected.”

Twinkleshine smiled and nodded. “It is a bit ... unique. But I’m still happy she has a palace. Really, a princess ought to have a castle.”

Alula cocked her head to the side, frowning. “It looks kinda evil.”

Dad frowned back at my sister, and there was a hint of sternness in his voice. “Alula, that's Princess Twilight Sparkle’s home.”

Alula’s ears dropped, and she ducked down to try and hide behind me. “Sorry, Dad.”

Dad nodded, giving her a faint smile to let her know all was forgiven. I decided to help her spirits a bit more by subtly taking her side. “It does look a bit odd compared to the rest of Ponyville. I’m still getting used to it, but it’s not so bad.”

Twilight opened the front doors, and I took a moment to admire her royal rump as I followed her in. Dad caught me looking and scowled, dropping his voice to a low, private whisper. “Really, Cloud? She’s a princess!”

“Doesn’t make her rump any less cute,” I shot back with a nonchalant shrug. “Besides, Twilight and I go way back, before she had wings.”

Dad blinked, then groaned and ran a hoof down his face. “You didn’t...” He sighed and massaged his temple. “Cloud, please don’t tell me you did things with her.”

“Okay,” I answered with a smirk. “I won’t tell you.”

Dad stared at me for a long moment, then shook his head and mumbled, “Probably happier not knowing anyway.”

“So,” Twinkleshine said, probably trying to defuse any awkwardness. “I think it’s really good that Princess Twilight has a palace now. To be honest, I was kind of wondering when that would happen. She’s been a princess for a year now, and nopony was even talking about building her a new palace or having her move back to Canterlot.”

I shot my dad’s girlfriend a faintly annoyed glare. “Her home got blown up, you know.”

“Oh.” The mare’s eyes dropped to the ground. “Right. I didn’t mean to...”

“Figured you didn’t,” I grunted out, wondering if I’d come down a bit too hard on her. “Anyway, I guess Princess Celestia and Princess Luna knew Twilight would be getting a magical crystal palace from out of a tree or something. Seems like they always have some notion of what’s coming in the future.” I’d long since learned to not ask too many questions about how the Royal Sisters knew things. I guess immortal alicorns are just special that way. “But yeah, Storm's been talking about how her princess needed to live in something nicer than a library.”

Dad nodded and chuckled. “That doesn't surprise me. From her first couple reports, I got the impression that she wasn't thrilled about how it made Princess Twilight look. Princess of the Library doesn't exactly carry a lot of weight, especially as she takes up more duties in Equestria.”

“Yeah, and Storm’s been a bit stiff-necked about protocol and formality ever since she got here.” I grinned. “Probably because Twilight’s too nice, friendly, and grounded to make a properly stuck-up, distant, and haughty princess. I think she’s kind of worried that Twilight being so open and familiar is going to make ponies stop respecting her as a princess. You know, the old ‘familiarity breeds contempt’ thing.” I frowned and shook my head. “Not sure if I buy that idea or not. Especially when Twilight’s supposed to be the Princess of Friendship.”

“I wouldn’t worry too much about them,” Dad assured me. “She might be a bit picky about the formalities, but Storm has a good head on her shoulders. I’m sure she’ll work out a balance with Twilight that lets her be open and friendly while still receiving the respect and deference her station deserves.”

“They do seem to have gotten along pretty well once they had a bit to get used to each other,” I agreed. For a moment I was tempted to bring up my suspicions that they might be crushing on each other, but it probably wasn’t the best time. Especially since Dad had just caught me checking out Twilight’s rear.

Twilight turned to face us as well as Storm and her half of the family. “Um, hi, everypony. The guest rooms are on the second floor, left of the stairs. Just stay wherever you want, there's certainly plenty of room in this huge, empty castle. My room’s up on the top floor, and I set Storm up in the room next door.” She paused, then amended, “The one that’s not the library. Well, future library. I don’t have any books there. Yet.”

“I’m sure you have several hundred cartloads on the way already,” I snarked.

Twilight grinned sheepishly, a faint blush coloring her cheeks. “It’s actually only twenty...” She cleared her throat and tried to regain some of her royal dignity. “Anyway, if you need anything just let me or Spike know, and we’ll get you taken care of. Storm’s going to be in her room, resting.” Twilight paused, then grumbled under her breath, “Where she should have been this whole time, but...”

Star grinned at her sister. “You heard your princess. Get moving, Skunky!”

Storm glowered halfheartedly at her sibling. “Need I remind you that I outrank you?”

Star smirked. “Fine, fine. Get your plot in gear, Captain Skunk ma’am.”

My cousin rolled her eyes, then gave her parents a quick hug before following Twilight upstairs. Since I was the only one who’d actually been inside the palace before, I took over and led them towards the guest rooms.

Alula studied everything with wide-eyed fascination. “Everything here is made of crystals. I hope the beds aren’t too.”

I was about to reassure her, but I hadn’t actually checked any of the guest bedrooms yet. And considering the palace had been here for less than two days, I wasn’t exactly optimistic about all the guest rooms being fully furnished. Well, not unless whatever magic created the palace decided to include blankets, pillows, and everything else a pony needed to sleep in comfort. After all, it had created a huge throne room for them, anything was possible.

Dad continued studying the place, a thoughtful frown on his face. “This is definitely going to need a larger Guard presence than the library.”

“Storm’s already drawing up plans,” I assured him.

“I wonder if the walls are made of magically receptive crystal,” Star asked, tapping one of them. “You’d think it would have to be, since the whole palace was made using magic. I wonder if the princess would let me borrow a couple pieces to experiment with. I mean, there’s probably already a few loose bits somewhere that I could just sweep up.”

“No stealing pieces of the royal palace,” Aunt Wind chided her.

“I said I was gonna ask first,” Star complained.

Dad pointedly cleared his throat, then turned back to me. “Good. I'll talk with Storm about the new Guard contingent later. After we've settled in, and she’s had a bit of time to rest. Maybe over dinner. I know Ty brought everything he needs to make his famous carrot casserole.”

I grinned over at my uncle, and the stuffed saddlebags on his back. He shrugged. “Considering what my daughter’s been through, she could use some comfort food.”

“We all could,” Aunt Wind agreed. “When I heard she was hurt...” A shiver ran down her spine that had nothing to do with the temperature.

“I’m just glad she’s alright.” Star paused for a second, then tried to shake off her sober mood. “I mean, can you imagine how messed up I would be if I got stuck as only child? She already says I’m a total brat as it is...” Her weak smile slipped away as nopony laughed at her attempt at a joke, and she sighed, running a hoof through her mane. “Just ... yeah. Glad she’s okay.” Sparkler stepped over and gave her marefriend a hug. To be honest I’d almost forgotten she was there; I guess she’d decided to stay in the background to let us have our family time.

Nopony else said anything for a bit, until I got to the guest bedrooms. Twilight was right that space wouldn’t be an issue; there were a couple dozen of them, each about the size of my modest little house. Lucky royals. “So ... I guess that’s one room for Aunt Wind and Uncle Typhoon, one for Star.” I grinned and winked at Sparkler, whom I suspected would be bunking there too. “One for Dad and Alula, and one for Twinkleshine, right?”

Dad and Twinkleshine shared a quick look, but neither one of them said anything. It’s possible that I was being just a little passive-aggressive with the room assignments. Now I just needed to find a way to make sure they stuck to them. Maybe Twilight had a spell for that?

Since neither one of them directly objected, I took their silence as consent. “Well, I’m gonna go run a couple errands while all of you settle in, then I’ll be back for some old-fashioned family bonding. Maybe I can get Twilight to tell the story of what happened when Star tried to bring the Great Sibling Prank War to Ponyville.”

Aunt Wind and Uncle Ty chuckled at that, but Dad cleared his throat. “Actually, Cloud, there were a couple things I wanted to discuss with you as soon as we had time.” He glanced pointedly towards the bedroom I’d assigned him. “Alula, would you mind helping your aunt and uncle unpack while I talk to your sister?”

Alula pouted and grumbled. “You could just say you don’t want me to be there without giving me extra work to do...”

Dad shrugged off her complaints. “Might as well have you doing something useful while you wait. And once your aunt and uncle are settled in, you can help Star and Twinkleshine.”

My little sister sighed and rolled her eyes, but dutifully followed our aunt and uncle into their room. Dad opened up the door to his room, and I trotted in, giving it a quick once-over. As I’d expected, the room was pretty bare aside from the most basic necessities. It had everything a pony needed to stay in relative comfort for a few days, but it was severely lacking in the sort of homey touches that could make somepony feel comfortable.

Not that Dad seemed to mind as he got to work quickly and efficiently unpacking his travel bag. He’d probably spent enough time in the barracks that an undecorated guest room still looked pretty nice. “Right,” He pulled out a dress uniform and quickly checked that it had survived the train ride without any of the creases getting messed up, or decorations knocked out of place. “First things first, there’s some clan business I wanted to run by you before I went public with it. It’s ... something you deserve to know ahead of time.”

My ears perked up. “Oh yeah? What is it?” My first instinct was to suspect that it was him doing something with Twinkleshine, but I dismissed that pretty quickly. They’d only been dating for a month, it was way too soon for something like that.

Dad cleared his throat, then looked me straight in the eye. “Cloud ... well, I suspect you’ve known this was a long time coming. Storm’s a very accomplished mare who’s captain of a princess’s royal guard, while you chose a very different path in life. One that’s no less honorable, and I’m glad you found happiness, but...” He trailed off awkwardly, then coughed. “Well, now that Storm is also the chosen wearer of Shadow’s Armor, it’s time I made things official. When I retire, Storm is going to take on leadership of the clan.”

I blinked, and my ears slowly fell flat against my skull. Clan leadership had always worked a bit oddly. Normally the clan leader picked their oldest child, unless there was a compelling reason not to. Like ... well, Storm being better than me, as far as the rest of the clan was concerned. “Oh. Right. I guess it's no surprise I'm getting passed over, considering...”

“Cloud...” Dad snatched me up into a powerful hug. “I'm not rejecting you. Don't think that for a second. You’re my daughter, and I will always love you. However, you made it clear you didn't want to be in the Guard, and while we've accepted your choice, that decision has consequences. Likewise, you haven’t been involved in the affairs of the clan, or even had much contact with anypony outside of the family.”

One of my ears flicked, and I clamped down hard on the urge to say something I would end up regretting. “I know, Dad.” I’d known for a long time that Dad was probably going to pass me over in favor of Storm. That didn’t make actually hearing it hurt any less. It’s one thing to suspect you’re the disappointing kid in the family. It’s something else entirely for your father to officially announce it to the entire extended clan.

Despite my best efforts to keep my emotions in check, I must have been showing something because Dad sighed and tightened his hug on me. “Cloud? Please try and be happy for your cousin. It will mean a lot to her to have your support. You're family. You were practically a big sister to her growing up, and now you’re the only family she has here in Ponyville.”

I knew he was trying to calm me down and win me over, but it was having the opposite effect. It felt more like he was trying to guilt-trip me. My teeth clenched. “Dad, I don't need a lecture from you on top of everything else.”

Dad flinched back as if I’d smacked him across the face. “Cloud...”

I sighed and slumped against him, feeling like a total mule. Which I’d known would happen as soon as I lashed out, but I hadn’t been able to stop myself. “Yeah, I know. I love you, and I know you love me too, and this decision doesn’t change any of that. I know I’d probably be terrible at running the clan, and I’d hate every moment of it.” I leaned up and nuzzled him. “Sorry if I'm a bit on edge, but between finding out you're dating a pony I went to college with, everything going on with Storm, plus the whole pregnancy thing—”

I clamped my jaw shut a second too late. Well. Feathers.

Dad was staring at me with his mouth hanging halfway open. I groaned and ran a hoof over my face, the other unconsciously settling over my belly. “Dammit. That wasn’t exactly how I was planning to give you the news, but ... well, I'm...”

My father closed his mouth, his eyes dropping down to the hoof resting on my stomach, and a slow smile spread over his face. “Cloud, are you…?”

“Yeah.” My shoulders slumped. “I just found out the other day.”

Dad pulled me into a massive bear hug, though he was careful to keep any pressure off my belly. “Cloud, that’s ... I ... congratulations!” He beamed down at me. “No wonder you're out of sorts, with all of this piled on top of your own news!”

I trembled in his arms, leaning against him. “Yeah. It's ... it's just ... too much other stuff just keeps happening when I haven't even dealt with...”

Dad squeezed me supportively. “If I had any idea, I would have waited before dropping all this news on you. You have enough to sort through if you're expecting.”

I waved off his apology. “You didn't know. And ... well, the world’s not going to stop turning just because I’ve got things going on. I’m not the center of the universe.” I smirked. “Everypony knows that’s Rainbow Dash’s job.”

Dad chuckled halfheartedly, wrapping a wing around me. “This is good news, though. I'm really happy for you.”

I pulled his wing tighter around me. “It's ... I'm still not sure if it's good or not.”

Dad blinked, and then his ears wilted as what I’d just said sank in. “Oh. That’s ... want to have a Dad Talk about it?”

“Maybe later.”

He took a deep breath and nodded. “Well, I'm going to be here for a few days to see you and Storm. You can talk to me anytime, and feel free to ask me for anything. And if you’d rather ... well, your Aunt Wind and Typhoon are both here too. Your dear old dad, the psychologist, and the priest. That should have you pretty well covered as far as ponies to get advice from.”

I gave him a weak but genuine smile. “Yeah. Maybe I’ll get to work on that tomorrow. I just...” I leaned hard against him. “I’m gonna need a day to deal with all this. You dating. Storm being the heir. Everything.”

His shoulders slumped. “I know, and I wish there was a more gentle way I could have broken the news. I can imagine how it must look for me to be dating a younger mare. I ... to be honest I’m a little embarrassed now that I know you two went to school together.” He froze, then paled. “Oh, please tell me you two didn’t—”

“No,” I quickly reassured him.

“Oh thank Shadow,” he gasped in relief. “That ... would have made this even worse.” He grinned a bit sheepishly at me. “For what it’s worth, I won’t be buying a fancy, expensive carriage or getting a hairpiece.”

“I’d hate for you to become a walking stereotype.” I chuckled and poked him in the chest. “So ... how’d you meet her anyway? Was it a work thing?”

Dad shook his head. “Actually, you can blame your aunt for it. I ... well, after the changeling attack, she started up a group for ponies who’d suffered in the attack. Eventually she badgered me into attending a meeting, and that’s where I met Twinkleshine. We ... we helped each other through some rough spots, and one thing led to another...”

“I think I can guess how it went from there,” I finished for him.

Dad gently put a hoof on my shoulder. “Cloud? Be honest with me. Is this going to be a problem? I know you said you were fine with it, but I picked up a bit of hostility from you. Little things like putting us in different bedrooms ... and making sure Alula was with me as a chaperone. And ... well...”

Being polite about it in public was one thing, but outright lying to my Dad when we were talking in private was crossing a line. And considering what I was going through right now, the last thing I wanted to do was destroy my relationship with my father. “I ... I wish I could say I was happy for you, but I'm gonna need a bit. Sorry, but that’s just how it is.”

“I figured that might be the case.” He chuckled sheepishly. “To be honest, that’s still a better reaction than I was afraid I’d get. I ... I was a little worried you’d go ballistic and accuse me of betraying your mother to replace her with a younger mare.”

“Oh. Well...” I grinned at him, just a little teasingly. “I haven’t completely ruled that out yet. Just figured I’d hold off judgement for a bit. Give you a chance to prove it’s not that.”

Dad chuckled and lifted up his hooves in surrender. “I suppose that’s fair enough. For what it’s worth, it actually took me a long time to realize that she was flirting with me. I suppose I’d been out of the game a long time, and ... well, I was a bit surprised she was interested in me, considering how much younger she is.”

I grinned and nudged him. “I guess we know where I got my skills from, right, Dad?”

He chuckled and shook his head. “Oh no. When I was a young college stallion, I was hopeless with mares. Wind always said it was because I seemed too eager, to the point where I came across as kind of desperate.” He chortled. “To be fair, I was a hormonal teenage stallion who wasn’t getting any action. I was desperate.” His eyes turned a bit misty. “But no, your skill at finding partners? That all came from Nimbus.”

I blinked, and tried to imagine my stiff-necked, inflexible mother as a playpony. The image ... didn’t compute. “You’re pulling my leg.”

“I’d swear it by Shadow.” He smiled. “Read her diary, if you don’t believe me.”

Those words instantly killed the good mood, when I remembered that her diary was now a random soot stain in the crater where the library used to be. “I can’t. It's ... Storm had Mom's diary in her bunk at the library, and it was there when...”

“Oh...” Dad’s ears wilted, and he nuzzled me. “Oh, Cloud, I'm so sorry.”

“And now you're...” I whimpered and pressed up against him. “It's ... it's like there's nothing left of her. Like she never even existed.”

“Don't think like that.” Dad took a deep, shuddering breath. “She’ll never be gone. That diary ... it’s just a book. We still have our memories of her, and that’s what really counts. And I will never forget her. She gave me the two most precious things in the world.” He held me tight, leaving no doubt in my mind that he meant me and Alula. “I doubt I'll ever stop missing her.”

“But you're moving on,” I shifted my gaze to the wall. “I guess we all are, right? I mean ... you have to move on eventually, right?”

Dad sighed and nodded. “That’s what Wind told me. It's healthy to move on. Do you know what your mother would say, if she found me wasting my life moping over her?”

“She wouldn’t say anything,” I answered. “She’d just kick your plot.”

“Exactly.” He ran a hoof through his mane. “It's always going to hurt, but I still have too many other things to take care of. I still need to raise Alula, and I want to be there for you too. Just because you’re all grown up doesn’t mean you never need a dad. And being with Twinkleshine makes me happy. It's not like being with your mom, but it's comforting.”

“And we all deserve some comfort.” I took a deep breath and slowly nodded to myself. “I'll ... I'll deal with it. Eventually.”

Dad nodded gratefully. “Give her a chance, please. She really is nice.”

“She seemed alright,” I conceded. “You know, aside from the fact that she’s dating you and she’s not Mom. Which ... is a pretty big hurdle for me right now.” I groaned, and my hooves dropped to my belly. “I just ... hay, half the time I’m still mad at her about stuff that shouldn’t even matter anymore, but at the same time ... I really wish she was here.” Even if it was just so I could yell at her about all the things she got wrong, she would still be here.

I was never really the kind of mare who needed her mom, but ... well, if there was ever time I needed her, this was it.

Author's Note

As always, thanks to my pre-reading and editing team for all their hard work. Also, I would like to thank all my dedicated Patreon supporters. You guys are awesome.

Click here if you want to join the list of awesome people who support my writing.

Aidan Hall
Batbrony
Benjamin McLaren
Borg Lord
Brayden
Brion Wauters
Chris Hall
Christopher A Cope
Combine
Comma-Kazie
Cyanhyde
DaB.
Deep Cover
Dixie Daley
djthomp
Emlyn Costilow
FallenAngelXy
Forderz
Jack
Jade Walters
James Miller
Justin Emery
Karl Bragisen
MoistGooDragon
Patrick
Ponibius
Steven Ilten
TheAccidentalBrony
Trinary
waritah
Zennyth

Breakfast Ambush

In hindsight, I really should’ve seen the ambush coming. I can only blame the mistake on being emotionally worn out from how crazy the last few days had been. That, and the fact that my Aunt chose the most innocuous and naturally tempting bait imaginable.

She’d shown up at my house in the morning and offered to take me out to breakfast. Like any half-awake pony with an empty stomach, I didn’t ask too many questions when somepony showed up at my front door offering free food. She said something about how we hadn’t seen each other for a while and this would be a good chance to catch up, and I nodded along while trying to decide whether I wanted pancakes or waffles. Considering my usual breakfast whenever Eepy wasn’t staying overnight was an egg with cheese on a slice of toast, the prospect of something nicer lulled me into going along with her evil scheme.

We met up with Uncle Typhoon at a nice open-air cafe, made all the nicer because Rainbow had scheduled pleasant, sunny weather for the day. I wasted no time ordering the first full Canterlot-style breakfast I’d had in years: eggs, haybacon, tomatoes, mushrooms, baked beans, pancakes, hash browns, and a fruit cup. I cleaned my plate before my aunt and uncle were even halfway done with their own much more modest meals. I blame it on the pregnancy. Eating for two, and all that.

Once I was nice and relaxed with a full belly to lure me into her evil scheme, Aunt Wind made her move. It started with a polite smile and seemingly innocent question. “So, Cloud, is there anything new going on with you? It’s been too long since we’ve had a chance to visit, and I’m sure all kinds of things have been happening.”

I was about to answer when I caught the knowing gleam in her eyes and the mischievous smirk on her lips. I groaned and buried my face in my hooves. “Seriously? Dad couldn’t keep his mouth shut about it for one day?!”

Aunt Wind chuckled and sipped her tea. “Your father has never been very good at keeping things secret from me.”

“Tor tried,” Uncle Typhoon offered in my father’s defense. “Held out for nearly fifteen minutes, but Wind’s rather relentless when she sets her mind to something. Though she was down to just guessing at random and hoping she lucked out when he cracked. He twitched when she asked if you were pregnant. Hard not to when he’d just found out.”

“Ah.” I snatched away a bite of my aunt’s waffles to punish her for her prying. “So ... yeah. That’s the big news. I’ve got something that could one day be a kid in me.”

Aunt Wind nodded thoughtfully, leaning back in her chair. “How do you feel about that?”

I answered her with a suspicious glare. “That’s an awful ... psychologist-y question to ask. I’m pretty sure there are rules about not using your psychological powers on members of your own family. You’ll drive us all crazy. Just look at how Star and Storm turned out.”

She rolled her eyes in response to my perfectly reasonable point. “Cloud, stop trying to trick me into changing the subject. Also, for the record, I’m not giving you therapy right now. I’m just talking to my niece about a major, life-changing event. Like any aunt would.” She paused, and her gaze turned piercing. “Though I do find it interesting that you’re bringing up the idea of therapy without any prompting from me. Almost as if you feel like you need it. If you’d like, I could give you several good recommendations...”

I waved off her offer with a smarmy grin. “Nah, I don't need therapy. I prefer to deal with my numerous personality issues like normal ponies: lots of denial mixed with some deeply unhealthy coping mechanisms. Mostly sex. Lots and lots of sex with beautiful ponies.” I tapped my chin thoughtfully. “Which I suppose means that if I was mentally healthier, I would have less sex. Doesn’t give me much of an incentive to fix my issues, does it?”

Aunt Wind answered me with a flat look, her tone taking up a level of maternal firmness she usually reserved for whenever Star and Storm were picking on each other too much. “Cloud, I know when you're avoiding a topic.”

Damn, she was on to me. “You're not gonna let me slip out of this one, are you?”

My aunt nodded. “Normally I might indulge you for a bit, but a pregnancy is a bit too important to let you get away with your usual shenanigans. Don’t think I haven’t noticed that you prefer to avoid difficult topics rather than confront them. Frankly, it’s past time you learned that running from your problems usually just makes them worse.”

“Really?” I shot back defiantly. “Since when have I avoided my problems?” I knew perfectly well what she meant, but I saw an opportunity to derail the conversation again. Avoiding discussing my problems by starting an argument about whether I avoid discussing my problems. Truly, I was a diabolical mastermind.

With typical Kicker stubbornness, my aunt argued the point. “It would have saved all of us a lot of grief if we had talked about you going to West Hoof and joining the Guard before you attended the academy. Or if you had come to us about your own doubts before doing something rash like leaving in the middle of your graduation ceremony.” She sighed and shook her head. “To be quite honest, I think it’s time you opened up more with us. We’re your family and we want to help you, but we can’t if you won’t tell us when you have a problem. Why won’t you ever communicate with us?”

I shrugged, mostly because I didn’t feel like spelling out the actual answer. The thing was, whenever I’d tried that in the past all I got out of it was my twentieth lecture on all the ways I wasn’t good enough, which Mom seemed to believe was some sort of helpful advice on how I could address my numerous inadequacies as a daughter. She always seemed mystified by the fact that I didn’t like the ‘Here’s how you could be slightly less disappointing to me’ lectures I got whenever I told her about ... well, pretty much anything. Was it really that big of a surprise that I wasn’t too eager to open up after putting up with that for my entire childhood?

Aunt Wind continued on, channeling some of that good old Mom-ly judgement and condemnation. “At the very least, if you’d talked to us we could have come up with a solution that would have made you happy and probably have smoothed a lot of the ruffled feathers your abrupt departure caused.”

I shrugged again. “I guess.” I was starting to regret changing the subject. Sure, it had gotten me out of discussing my pregnancy, but this wasn’t exactly an improvement.

“We all make mistakes,” my aunt reassured me with a pat on the shoulder. “That's part of life. The best we can do is learn from them.”

I nodded and tried to close the subject with a bit of snark. “That’s what I try to do. Making the same mistakes over and over gets boring after a while.”

Aunt Wind smiled, apparently immune to my charm. “That’s why we're asking you to talk to us. You know we want what's best for you.”

I frowned, not exactly wild about her choice of words. “Excuse me, but what exactly makes you so sure you know what's best for me? I think I can make my own calls on that.”

My aunt met my gaze patiently, and waited several seconds before continuing, keeping her voice carefully calm and level. “Nopony here is trying to tell you what to do, Cloud. All I want to do is help you figure out what's best for you. We all know that this is your body, and how you handle your pregnancy is your decision. We're just here to help you make the right choice.”

“Let me guess,” I snapped back, “‘the right choice’ is the one you want me to make? Seems to be what everypony means when they say that. Everypony seems to be so eager to ‘help’ me by telling me what I should do.”

Aunt Wind’s eyes narrowed slightly. “Cloud, that isn’t very—”

Uncle Typhoon pointedly cleared his throat, cutting her off. “Even Honored Shadow needed counsel now and again. She listened to what everypony had to say, even the ones who had a strong opinion and wanted to tell her what to do. Then she made her own decision.”

I looked between the two of them for a bit, and started to realize that I’d probably jumped on them a bit too aggressively. I was just ... well, I could blame the hormones, but that wasn’t it. It just felt like everypony wanted to tell me what to do ever since I’d gotten pregnant, like how Fluttershy and Blossom had both jumped on me when I talked about not having the kid. Maybe I was being a little oversensitive, but everything had just happening so far. It had only been ... what, a few days since I’d found out? In any case, I should probably wait to see if my aunt and uncle were actually trying to be controlling before I went off on them for doing so. “Fine. I'll hear you out.”

Aunt Wind’s answering smile was a bit strained. “Thank you.” She took a couple deep breaths, and it slowly became more genuine. “So ... how are you feeling about the big news?”

I took a couple calming breaths too before I answered. “Still kinda...” My hoof circled vaguely in the air as I struggled to describe everything running through my head. “It's ... it’s just so big.”

She nodded and murmured sympathetically. “I think I understand how you feel. I've been there twice myself, and it took me a long time to wrap my head around the idea when I found out I was pregnant with Storm. And that was ... well, not as unexpected as this was for you. I suppose Star would be a bit of a closer parallel.” She sighed and shook her head, chuckling to herself. “As Storm is so fond of reminding her sister, Star was something of an accident. Not that it makes me love her any less, but I would have liked more than a few months to recover in between pregnancies. Waking up in the middle of the night to take care of a newborn is hard enough when you’re not carrying another child.”

I winced at the idea. I was certainly having an ugly enough time dealing with off-and-on morning sickness, and I knew from helping out Derpy that things were only going to get worse. The idea of putting up with all of that while also having to take care of a screaming foal was ... well, it explained why Aunt Wind didn’t have any more kids after those two.

My aunt chuckled and shook her head. “In any case, we were very happy when we found out I was carrying Storm.” She took Uncle Typhoon’s hoof and smiled at him. “Though I admit we were both very nervous about the whole thing. Having a foal is a massive responsibility, and I was worried I wouldn’t be up to the challenge. It just felt like there were a thousand and one ways things could go wrong. I suspect my training actually made things worse for me in that regard.”

My uncle shot her a teasing smirk. “Always worrying one mistake would leave the girls with some kind of problems. Like a hypochondriac, except it was with our daughters and worrying they’d have psychological issues.”

Aunt Wind cleared her throat, her cheeks slightly flushed. “Yes, well, it’s a mother’s duty to worry about her children.”

“Worry, yes,” my uncle agreed. “Seemed like for a while when they were teenagers we couldn’t go a week without one of them having a new diagnosis. Storm having trouble making friends in her first week of high school? Schizoid personality disorder. Star getting into a fight with another filly at school? Antisocial personality disorder. Storm being a bit of a perfectionist? Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. Star is—”

“Thank you, Typhoon,” my aunt growled out, hitting him with a glare that promised many nights sleeping on the couch if he didn’t shut up. Being a fairly intelligent and perceptive stallion, he didn’t say another word.

I swooped in to my uncle’s rescue. “In any case, it seems like you did a decent job with those two. I mean, they’re more lovably eccentric than outright crazy, and they’re both holding down good jobs and acting like functioning adults in most respects.” Even their sibling rivalry was mostly restricted to harmlessly poking fun at each other; the only time it had gotten a bit nuts was when Rainbow, Sparkler, and Twilight had all gotten sucked into it. And even then, it had been a lot of fun to watch from the sidelines.

Aunt Wind smiled and nodded. “I like to think I did a decent job with them. That’s not to say there weren’t some rough patches—having two teenagers under the same roof made that inevitable. Not to mention all the other little problems that cropped up over the years.” Her ears drooped a bit. “I remember one time when Storm had a big ballet performance she’d spent months getting ready for. I was swamped with work that week, and misremembered what time it was. I showed up an hour after they’d finished. Storm was ... very upset.”

“Wouldn’t talk to Wind for a week,” Uncle Typhoon confirmed.

“And of course, I was worried my mistake had ruined our relationship.” She sighed and shook her head. “I made it up to her by buying her a nice dress, then started wondering if I’d set a bad example by trying to buy her forgiveness.” She ran a hoof through her mane and shot me a weary smile. “Fair warning, being a parent means spending a lot of time worrying that you’ll make a mess of things and ruin your children. And that was just Storm; Star added her own list of things to worry about. We were still adjusting to having our first child when we learned that another one was on the way. There were all sorts of complications from having two children so close in age.”

“Not to mention it must've worn you out,” I chimed in. “I mean, Derpy was pretty wiped out after she had Dinky. You'd probably barely gotten over having Storm when Star started growing in your belly.”

Uncle Typhoon grinned and wrapped a wing over my aunt’s shoulders. “Wind wasn't exactly the happiest mare in the world. Kept grumbling about how it was all my fault.”

My aunt grinned and playfully hoofed him on the shoulder. “Well, I certainly wouldn’t have gotten pregnant without your involvement. In any case, you trying popping out one kid after another. I started to feel like some sort of broodmare near the end.”

He just grinned and kissed her on the cheek. “Putting up with Wind’s moods was worth it. We did get two wonderful girls out of it, after all.”

“But then no more kids, ever again,” I smirked at the two of them. “I’m not inclined to think that was a coincidence.” If not for the fact that they were my aunt and uncle, I probably would’ve made some remarks about using protection. But they were, and thinking about them having sex, safe or not, was just weird and gross.

“Two was enough for us,” my aunt agreed. “That's something every parent has to decide for themselves, though. You might be fine with just one, or you might decide you love your children so much you want an entire brood of them.” She chuckled and shook her head. “Not that you can plan everything out to perfection. As I’m sure you’re well aware, you can end up with some unexpected bundles of joy. Once that happens, you have to deal with the consequences. That’s just part of life.”

I hesitated a moment, then brought up the alternative. “Unless you decide you don't want the kid. I mean, it’s not like anypony can force me to carry the kid to term.”

My aunt frowned pensively. “That’s true, yes.” I couldn’t help but note her words were a lot more measured now. “Were you considering not having the child?”

I shrugged, then nodded. “Well, it's not like I planned to have a kid. Or am in a good position to raise one. Or would be very good at the whole motherhood thing. Or even wanted to do any of that right now. Or ... well, you get the idea.”

“Having a child is a huge commitment,” Uncle Typhoon agreed, nodding sympathetically. “Not something you should do unless you’re sure you want to. Be a bad thing to end up resenting your own child because you didn’t want the responsibility of being a parent. Be sure before you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy.”

“Yeah, especially since I don’t think giving the kid away would be an option.” Blossom wasn’t a huge ball of unresolved issues on account of being an orphan, but I was pretty sure she would hit the roof if I suggested putting our kid in the adoption system. For that matter, she’d been pretty strongly opposed to the idea of just not having the kid at all. “So yeah, gotta figure that one out.”

Aunt Wind leaned back in her chair, her eyes measuring me. “Well then, let’s break the issue down and try to find an answer. What’s bothering you the most about the idea of having a child?”

I took a deep breath and tried to figure out what exactly was bothering me the most. I certainly had no shortage of options to choose. Finally, I settled on, “Everything’ll change.”

My aunt nodded. “It certainly will. Having children will redefine your life and add enormous new responsibilities. It can be rather frightening to realize that all the comfortable certainties of your life are suddenly going to be yanked away from you. Your responsibilities, your relationships, your daily routines ... all of it is going to change. So much of your life will revolve around your child, in one way or another.”

I sighed and shook my head. “Yeah, I saw all that with Derpy. Kinda made me even less enthusiastic about the whole motherhood thing when I see how she’s been handling it. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a great mom, but now she’s panicking over the idea that her kids are growing up because that means one day they won’t need her anymore.” I ran a hoof through my mane. “It’s not just about me the ‘raising a kid’ thing either. Everything with Eepy and Blossom'd change, too.”

“Ah.” My aunt’s eyes lit up, and I suspected that if she’d had her psychologist notepad handy she would’ve been busily jotting things down. “You’re right, of course. Having a child together is a massive change for your relationship. It’s a much larger commitment than ... well...”

“Just getting together for wild, passionate sex on a regular basis?” I suggested. “You’re right about that. Thing is, I like what we have. We spend time together, have a blast, and get to keep this nice, happy, uncomplicated dynamic. And have I mentioned how good the sex is?”

“Well...” Wind delicately cleared her throat. “Not to get into too many uncomfortable details, but Typhoon and I have been quite happy with all aspects of our relationship despite having two children and raising them to adulthood. What makes you think that having a foal would threaten what you have with them?”

“‘Cause it’ll complicate things,” I answered, glancing up at the clouds and vainly hoping Rainbow or somepony else would come along and provide a convenient distraction. “They'd wanna move in with me, or maybe even get married.” I’d been privately dreading the prospect that one or both of them would propose to me the next time I saw them. Probably why I’d been semi-avoiding them for the last couple days.

“Why would having them move in with you be such a problem?” my aunt asked, pausing to nibble at her haybacon. “After all, you’ve been with both of them for quite a while now. And in the past you’ve had no issues with them spending the night, or even rather extended stays with you. Didn’t Blossomforth live with you for several weeks that time she caught the feather flu?”

“Yeah, but that was just a temporary thing until she got better.” I struggled to come up with the right words to explain it all. “It’s just, there's a big difference between somepony spending the night or staying over for a bit compared to living with me full-time. We’d have to divide up the closet, and I’ve got a lot of stuff...”

My aunt answered me with a flat, unamused look. “Cloud, you can’t really expect me to believe that this is all about you worrying you won’t have enough room in your closet. What’s the real reason you don’t want them living with you? Are you worried about your relationship? Afraid that moving to something more intimate will cause new problems? Or perhaps existing problems that you’ve been able to ignore so far.”

“What? No! Things are fine with Blossom and Eepy!” I took a moment and tried to make myself sound less defensive. “It’s just ... why rush into things?”

“It’s not as if they were proposing after your third date, Cloud.” My aunt paused to sip her coffee. “You’ve been together for—what was it, two years now? I don’t think very many ponies would consider that rushing. Especially considering you knew them both reasonably well before you even started the relationships.”

“Well, it feels that way to me.” I groaned and ran a hoof down my face. “I mean, we have a perfectly good setup right now. I’m totally, one hundred percent happy with things the way they are. Why does everypony think we need to change our relationship or move on to some sort of arbitrary next stage? Isn’t the whole point of a relationship to be happy together? And if we’re all happy with the status quo...”

“You are happy with the status quo,” my aunt stressed. “Have you sat down with your partners and asked them how they feel? You aren’t the only pony in this relationship, after all. Do they feel the same way about keeping things as they stand? Have you told them why you don’t want to live together? Because I can tell you right now that they will not understand if you don’t explain it. If they think you’re rejecting them...”

“I’m not rejecting them!” I hastily blurted out. “I mean, you of all ponies should understand that. It’s not like you love Uncle Typhoon any less just because you two never got married.”

“That’s true.” Aunt Wind smiled and kissed my uncle on the cheek. “Though admittedly, it’s not like we refused to marry to protest arbitrary social constructs. We just ... never quite got around to it, until we’d put it off for so long that doing it would have felt awkward.” She shrugged, then chuckled to herself. “Honestly, by this point it would ruffle more feathers for us to get married than it would for us to keep things as they are.”

I was about to draw the obvious parallel when she lifted a hoof to cut me off. “The difference is that this is something Typhoon and I discussed repeatedly and have agreed upon. Like I keep trying to tell you, you need to communicate with the ponies in your life. Maybe even make a few compromises instead of insisting on having things your way.”

“What?!” I rose out of my seat, planting my forehooves on the table. “That’s—I compromise all the time! I mean, the whole thing that got me into this mess was when I was feeling nostalgic for a good stallion-bang, and instead of going out and finding one, I went to a lot of trouble to get potions for Blossom and Eepy so—”

“More information than I needed, Cloud,” my aunt quickly cut in. “But that’s just in one area. Surely if you can compromise in the bedroom, you can do so elsewhere. I understand you’re nervous about changing a relationship you think is perfectly fine the way it is, but if your partners don’t agree I would give serious thought to going along with their desires.” She shot me a quick reassuring smile. “I expect they might want to move in with you to help you through what’s going to be a very difficult time in your life. Pregnancies are never easy, and trying to go through it all by yourself isn’t something I would recommend. Would it really be that terrible to have two ponies who love you available for support?”

I sighed, slumping down into my chair. “But that’s part of the whole problem. The pregnancy thing, I mean. Only one of them can be the sire. Well, unless it turns out to be something like me having twins with each of them siring one of the kids, but that sounds like something out of one of those terrible romance novels ponies only read for the steamy bits. Bottom line is, one of them’s the sire and one isn’t. I would like to think I can recognize a future problem before it blows up in my face.”

“It certainly is a complication,” Aunt Wind conceded. “But quite frankly, it’s one you’re going to have to address regardless of what course you choose.”

Uncle Typhoon nodded along, then actually spoke up for the first time in quite a while. “No use crying over spilt milk. Not moving in together won’t stop you from being pregnant. Even getting rid of the foal won’t change the fact that you were pregnant by one of them, and not the other. Can’t avoid the issue forever, unless you never see either of your partners again. Dealing with the issue isn’t something you can avoid—the only thing left to you is to decide how you’re going to deal with it.”

I sighed and reluctantly signalled my concession. “Okay, I get your point. Cat’s out of the bag as far as all the potential jealousy issues go. I guess the only point to be made in favor of not keeping the kid is that it might make it easier for the whole thing to blow over. I mean, if we have the kid around it would be a constant reminder, but ... yeah, not having a kid just for that reason sounds really petty and wrong. Plus it seemed like Blossom and Eepy really want to keep it. Sure, I’m the one carrying it so I get the final call, but...” I nodded to my aunt. “Like you said, if both my partners really want something, I should think very carefully about overruling them. I’d rather not replace jealousy issues with ‘We’re incredibly pissed off at you’ issues.”

Aunt Wind nodded approvingly, leaning back in her chair. “And how does that make you feel? Them wanting to keep the foal despite your own concerns?”

I scowled suspiciously at her. “'How does that make you feel?' That's an awful ... psychologist-y question. And that’s the second time you’ve broken out the head-doc games on me.”

My aunt hit me with another one of her flat looks that probably did wonders at getting Star and Storm to stop horsing around when they were kids. “Cloud, right now I'm your aunt who happens to be a psychologist, not your psychologist who happens to be your aunt. I've already told you this isn't a session. What I'm trying to figure out is how you feel about everything, because I want to help you.”

“Yeah, but you’re using your psychologist tricks to help me.” I tapped my skull. “Trying to get inside my head and stuff.”

Aunt Wind crossed her forelegs over her chest and hit me with the full force of aunt-ly disapproval. “I apologize for caring about your feelings and trying to show consideration for your thoughts about your own deeply personal issues. Please forgive me for loving you and trying to help you during a difficult time.”

“Ouch, right in the guilt trip.” I smirked at my uncle. “I don’t suppose you have any bandages handy? Maybe some ointment for those burns?”

My aunt’s glower turned less annoyed and more speculative. “Cloud, do you always use your attempts at humor as a way to deflect attention from uncomfortable topics?”

“Nah, I’ve got other methods,” I shot back. “But most of them aren’t the kinds of things I could use on my aunt. Though Fluttershy and Blossom find them very distracting.”

“And now you’re trying to deflect me by discussing sex in the hopes that it will make me uncomfortable,” Aunt Wind responded as calmly as if we were discussing the weather. “Why do you try so hard to avoid talking about your problems? Is it just that you're just not used to talking about them with others?”

I shrugged and wished I could still drink cider. Yeah, it was early in the day for alcohol, but I’m allowed to make an exception to the normal rules when my aunt has me pinned underneath a magnifying glass. You’d think there would be a psychologist rule somewhere about not pushing things when the patient doesn’t want them to be pushed. “I like to take care of myself.”

Aunt Wind nodded understandingly. “Of course you do. Your mother was the same way. But like I always told her, just because you can handle everything on your own doesn’t mean you have to. Or that it’s even a good idea. Nopony is an island.” She sighed, then placed one of her hooves on top of mine. “You never felt comfortable discussing your problems with Nimbus, did you? How could you? You’re both fairly private ponies.”

I couldn’t really disagree. “Yeah, Mom was never the kind of pony you went to when you needed somepony to do the whole ‘love and support’ thing. I mean, it’s not like I think she didn’t care or anything, but ... she wasn’t somepony who’d make you a mug of hot chocolate and listen while you got things off your chest.” From my own occasional efforts to reach out to her, she was more inclined to explain exactly how all my problems were my own fault, and a result of my failures as both a pony in general and her daughter in particular.

My aunt wrapped one of her light blue wings around me and sighed. “I noticed. I tried to lend a hoof where I could but ... well, there were boundaries I didn’t want to cross. I wouldn’t have wanted it to look like I was trying to replace Nimbus or imply that she wasn’t doing a good job.” She tucked that wing a bit more tightly around me. “I'm sure that made it hard on you at times. Not being able to ask those questions you really wanted to ask, but felt you couldn't.”

She grimaced and shook her head. “It ... doesn't feel right to talk about her this way. Not when she isn’t here anymore. I know she wasn’t—she really did love you, even if she had trouble showing it.”

“I know.” I sighed and slumped down, pulling her wing a bit tighter around me. “I just wish she'd...” I couldn’t bring myself to even finish the sentence. “Never mind. It’s not important. And like you said, don’t speak ill of the dead and all that.”

Aunt Wind’s wing gently squeezed my shoulders. “Perhaps it would be better if you got it off your chest. I don’t need my degree to guess that your worries about becoming a mother might be related to some of your issues with your own mother.”

I took a deep breath, then said it. “I wish she'd been a better mom.”

My aunt’s eyes flicked down to the table, and stayed there for several seconds before she finally answered me. “She tried her best, she really did. Every parent makes mistakes, Cloud. I know Nimbus made some that hurt you, but what you have to understand is that ... well, she didn't really have the advantage of having good parents to learn from growing up.”

I frowned and tried to dredge up what I knew about Mom’s family. “She never did mention—I mean, I never really—well, her side of the family was always kinda just...” I waved my hoof through the air as I tried to think of something worthwhile to say. “I guess they never really came up, beyond a couple little things. Like, I knew she was from House Cumulus.”

Aunt Wind drained her water glass, then took a deep breath. “That's because she wasn’t on the best of terms with her biological family. Her parents were never a solid base in her life. Nimbus barely got any direction from them. In the end, all children crave a certain level of order in their lives. They want rules and structure, and their parents laying those things out for them means that they love and care about them. Nimbus never really got that growing up.” She rolled her empty glass around in her hooves, trying to catch a waiter’s eye so she could get a refill. “I'm pretty sure that was a big reason why she ended up joining the Guard; it gave her a lot of what she missed growing up. For the first time in her life, there were clear rules and a structured daily routine to follow.”

A sad smile flickered across her face. “Nimbus was so different when I first met her. I’m sure you wouldn’t have even recognized her back when we were roommates at West Hoof. Out until curfew almost every night, and usually coming back to the room smelling like alcohol, sex, or both. It always amazed me that she managed to find the time to get most of her schoolwork done. I know her grades were a bit of a mess, though her practical skills usually made up for her bad academics.”

I cocked my head to the side, trying to comprehend what I’d just heard. “Seriously? Mom was a wild and crazy party girl back at West Hoof?” Yeah, Dad had mentioned something about how my skill at playing the field came from Mom, but... “I thought she believed fun was ... like a form of weakness and evil or something.”

Uncle Typhoon nodded to confirm my Aunt’s story. “Believe it or not, there was a time when all of us were just as crazy, young, and stupid as you used to be. Tor and I even used to do a lot of the things you’d expect two young, dumb stallions to do.”

“Don’t remind me.” My aunt finally got her water refilled, only to empty the glass again fifteen seconds later. “If I had to make an educated guess, I would say that she started off as a party girl as a way to rebel against her parents and get them to notice her. It’s common with children who feel neglected. By the time she reached West Hoof, it had become something of a habit for her.”

I tapped my chin thoughtfully as a few ideas popped into my head. “Y'know, that actually explains a couple things about why she was such a hardflank with me. She didn't want me making the same mistakes she did.”

She nodded along. “Exactly. To tell you the truth, her drinking was on the verge of being a problem for a while. West Hoof is usually pretty tolerant of a little partying as long as you perform your assignments and don’t show up drunk or severely hungover. The one-night stands obviously died out after she hooked up with Tornado, but she didn’t stop drinking until she had you. She swore off the stuff while she was pregnant, and thankfully by the time you’d been born she’d decided she liked being sober.”

She ran a hoof through her hair. “It scared her half to death when she saw you becoming like her, even if it wasn’t exactly the same. I think sometimes she missed the ways you weren’t like her when she was your age. Her grades at West Hoof were ... far lower than what she was capable of if she’d applied herself. I think on some level she assumed the same was the case with you, even though you were actually working hard and performing well in your classes.”

Aunt Wind sighed and shook her head. “Naturally, she wanted you to have a life with all the structure and discipline her childhood had lacked. And since most of her experience with order in life came from the Guard, she drew upon that when it came to raising you.” Her eyes flicked guiltily down. “Tornado and I ... well, the Kickers are a big military family. I suppose we didn’t realize how much she could overdo things. Not until it became a real problem. I just ... you need to understand that the closest she really got to having a proper mother herself was your Grandma Kicker. The two of them were really close.”

“Granny?” I smiled wistfully. “I barely even remember her...” Just a few little things, like the way she made cookies for me and smacked Dad’s hoof away whenever he joked about stealing some of them. And I could vaguely recall her funeral, back when I was younger than Alula and Storm was still a newborn. It had rained that night, like the clouds were crying too.

Aunt Wind smiled fondly. “Mom was one hay of a mare. She had to be, raising Tor and me while also being in the Guard—especially after she was hurt and we lost Dad. If you think you and Nimbus were stubborn ... oh, Mom was something else. She loved us, but often that love came in the form of a swift kick to the plot to make us stop being silly.” Her smile shifted to a faint frown. “Maybe that was also part of what threw things off with Nimbus. I think she tried to imitate your grandmother’s style, but ... well, what worked for Mom with me and Tornado didn’t work for you. I think her tough love had too much tough and not enough love. Mom could be as hard as steel, but she usually knew when her kids really needed a softer touch.”

I shuffled in my seat, trying to wrap my head around all the new information I’d just been given. It was all so ... big. “I kinda didn't know my family as well as I thought, did I?”

“You saw it from the view of a child, Cloud,” my aunt answered. “And that really colors how you see things, trust me. Your parents always seem larger than life when they’re raising you, and it can take a long time to realize that Mom and Dad are really just ordinary flesh and blood ponies with the same flaws and problems as the rest of us. I can guarantee you that Storm and Star see me a lot differently than you do.”

“I guess.” I sighed and ran a hoof down my face. “Mom ... I guess all this time I kinda resented her for not being—I dunno. Not perfect, I guess. But she was really just in the same boat I'm in now. Scared to death she's gonna screw up and let her kid down.”

Aunt Wind nuzzled me. “She tried her best to give you the life she thought you deserved, and she made a few stumbles. After your graduation ... she was pretty devastated. She blamed herself for what happened, for not seeing that you were in trouble before you ran out, and then for driving you further away after.” She sighed, and her shoulders slumped. “I was actually relieved when I found out she was carrying Alula, because when I caught her going through morning sickness I thought she’d taken up drinking again.” She grimaced and shook her head. “We all make mistakes. Especially parents. I know I've made my fair share of goofs raising my daughters, and while Tornado asked me to never tell you this, he did drop you once while you were a baby. Thankfully not too far.”

Uncle Typhoon cleared his throat. “We all want to do what’s best for our kids. The problem is actually knowing how to do that, and balance that with everything else in our lives. Wind and I did have to hold down jobs as well as raising our girls. Sometimes it was hard to be a good priest and a good father at the same time. Only so many hours in the day.” He swallowed the last bit of toast on his plate. “Nopony likes making mistakes or letting somepony else down, and it hurts the most when it involves our kids, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try and do the best we can. It’s fine to be scared of making mistakes—Wind and I certainly were—but you can’t let that fear hold you back.”

I nodded along. “Yeah, I know this sermon, Uncle Typhoon. Can’t be so scared of failure that you never try anything.”

“Exactly,” Aunt Wind agreed. “And despite all our fears, I like to think we did pretty well with Storm and Star.”

Tempting as it was to be a smartflank about how both my cousins were delightfully eccentric, I decided to play nice. “One’s the leader of the princess’ bodyguard unit, and the other’s a newbie lieutenant in the Lunar Guard. I'd say they're off to a good start.” After all, being posted to a princess’ personal guard was usually seen as the career fast-track. Well, as long as you did a good job and didn’t do anything to piss off said princess. After all, if a happy princess can send an officer shooting up the ranks, a mad one could bump a lieutenant down to shoveling manure.

Typhoon beamed. “Oh yes, we're very proud of them. Storm getting Shadow’s Armor was ... I couldn’t be more pleased. My daughter bearing the legacy of Honored Shadow herself is incredible. But as much as I like to brag about my girls, right now we’re here to help you.”

“Exactly.” Aunt Wind turned a piercing gaze on me. “Are you feeling a bit better, Cloud?”

I thought about it for a moment, and to my surprise found myself nodding. “Yeah, I am.”

“Was there anything else you wanted to talk about?” She smiled and leaned forward, looking almost conspiratorial. “Being a two-time mom, I have a bit of experience for what you're going through. And what you have to look forward to.”

I chuckled. “Sorry, too late. Derpy already gave me a pretty good run-down of all the nasty things I have to look forward to. Not to mention I got to see a lot of it first-hoof when I helped her through having Dinky. Granted, I wasn’t there for every moment, but...”

She chuckled and patted my shoulder. “Cloud, sweetheart, you have no idea what you’re in for. Trust me, seeing it all from the outside does nothing to prepare you for what it’s like to be on the receiving end. Though don’t worry, it's not all bad.”

I frowned suspiciously at her. “You've got nostalgia glasses on. Personally, I'm just glad I seem to be keeping my breakfast down for two days in a row.”

Aunt Wind smirked. “Don’t get too used to it. Morning sickness can be rather unpredictable. Sometimes it leaves you alone for a week, other times it’ll hit and keep on hitting until you’re dry heaving. Oh, and despite what the name says, it’s not limited to mornings. Don’t worry too much, though—after a couple months it should die out, and then you get to the nice, magical part of the pregnancy. Followed by the ugly, bloated, sore part of the pregnancy.”

“Gee, you really know how to sell the whole childbirth experience.” My hoof dropped unconsciously to my belly. “It's weird. I still haven’t decided to keep the kid, and whenever I actually think about whether I want to, I know I haven’t made up my mind. But I keep talking about pregnancy prep and stuff, making sure that I know what’s coming if I do have it. Is that some kinda subconscious thing saying I’ve already decided?”

My aunt shrugged. “It could be, or you might just be figuring out as much as you can about pregnancy so you can make an informed decision about whether or not you want to go through with it. Considering what a life-changing choice it is, and there’s nothing wrong with making sure you know what you’re signing up for. For what your aunt’s opinion is worth, I think you’ll be fine if you decide to go through with having a child.”

Uncle Typhoon nodded along. “You're in a good spot to have a foal if you want to. A lot better than a lot of parents that find themselves having a kid. You’re financially secure, you have two partners to help you raise the child, plus other friends who would be happy to help if you asked. Not to mention your family: Storm’s right here, and the rest of us are just a train ride away. Oh, and don’t forget you’re on good terms with Princess Sparkle—I’m sure she would be willing to lend a little royal aid if you needed it. It’s hard to imagine a better situation for rearing a child.”

I nodded hesitantly. Yeah, I wasn’t sure about myself, but I did have a pretty awesome support network. If nothing else, Blossom, Eepy, Rainbow, Derpy, Twilight, and the others should be able to stop me from screwing anything up too badly.

“Well then, that just leaves one final bit of business.” My aunt smirked, and a mischievous light entered her eyes. “Star and Storm haven’t heard the big news yet. I hope you’re prepared for lots of doting, excited squealing, and hugs. And perhaps an argument over whether or not they qualify as aunts.”

I sighed and mentally girded myself for the upcoming ordeal. “I suppose it’s not the worst thing I’ll have to deal with.”

Author's Note

As always, thanks to my pre-reading and editing team for all their hard work. Also, I would like to thank all my dedicated Patreon supporters. You guys are awesome.

Click here if you want to join the list of awesome people who support my writing.

Aidan Hall
Batbrony
Benjamin McLaren
Borg Lord
Brayden
Brian Brown
Brion Wauters
Chris Hall
Christopher A Cope
Combine
Comma-Kazie
Cyanhyde
DaB.
Deep Cover
Dixie Daley
djthomp
Emlyn Costilow
FallenAngelXy
Forderz
Jack
Jade Walters
James Miller
Justin Emery
Karl Bragisen
MoistGooDragon
Patrick
Ponibius
Steven Ilten
TheAccidentalBrony
Trinary
waritah
Zennyth

The Most Dreaded Word

Now that I was almost semi-certain about maybe having the kid, I knew it was time to have a chat with the two potential sires. It was weird to think of Blossom and Eepy as the ponies who’d knocked me up. For that matter, my brain was still kind of adjusting to the idea that I was pregnant. Every once in awhile I’d forget that I was supposed to be freaking out over my condition, and for a bit things would almost go back to normal. Then I’d remember that I had a bun in the oven, and the panic would start again along with wondering how I could ever have stopped being a wreck over it.

I was hoping that talking things out with them would finally settle me down a bit. If nothing else, it would give me one less thing to worry about. Plus ... I’d really missed having their support. One of the worst things about this whole pregnancy mess had been that I couldn’t really turn to them for help sorting through everything. When they both wanted me to carry the foal and I didn’t, it made any discussion of the pregnancy ... hazardous. The last thing I needed was a big, ugly fight with the ponies I loved.

Now that I’d settled the pregnancy issue, that potential minefield was gone. Getting some unconditional love from the both of them sounded like just what the doctor ordered. Well, would have ordered, if I’d been to see one. Which I probably should do sometime soon.

First things first, visit the beautiful, sexy mares who love me, then worry about my health. It was a simple matter of priorities.

I stopped by Fluttershy’s cottage first, since I was pretty sure she would be there at this time of day. While she wasn’t as obsessive about sticking to a schedule as Twilight, she did generally try to follow a consistent routine when it came to feeding all her animals. Probably because they all become massive pests if their food is late. Her bear starts scratching on the door and whining if she’s five minutes late filling up his dinner bowl, the birds all hover around the windows, and Angel ... well, let’s not even talk about what that little Tartarus-spawn does.

Fortunately, none of her pets would go hungry today, and I actually wound up getting lucky (though not in my favorite way). Not only was Eepy feeding all the animals when I got there, but Blossom was helping out too. Fluttershy’s entire menagerie can consume a jaw-dropping amount of food on a daily basis, and while Eepy’s not quite as weak and delicate as some ponies think, she still appreciates having another set of hooves to help carry all the giant, heavy bags of food around.

I trotted up the path towards the two of them, unleashing my most charming smile. “Well well well, if it isn't the two prettiest mares in Equestria. Imagine meeting you here...”

Fluttershy beamed as soon as she saw me. “Oh, Cloud! It's wonderful to see you too. How are you? And how’s…?” Her eyes dropped to my belly and allowed me to fill in the blanks..

Thankfully, Blossom didn’t immediately join her in jumping onto the foal train. Instead, she trotted over and kissed me. “Hey, good-looking. As long as you’re here, you can...” she trailed off, then grimaced. “Well, I was going to make you help carry all the food bags, but I guess I can’t do that, can I?”

“One of the hidden perks of my condition,” I agreed with a grin. “I have an ironclad excuse to not do any hard labor for just about an entire year.” Granted, from what I already knew about pregnancy after watching other ponies go through it, I would be perfectly capable of doing just about anything other than back-breaking hard labor for the first couple months. However, I didn’t see any reason to volunteer that bit of trivia at the moment.

I trotted over to Fluttershy and gave her a quick kiss so she wouldn’t feel left out. “So, how have my two favorite beautiful mares been?”

Eepy gently returned the kiss. “Oh, we've been doing fine. Blossomforth was helping me, and we've just been talking about a few things.”

I grinned as I teasingly bumped her hip. “Oh yeah? What kind of things? ‘Me’ things?”

Blossom grinned and lightly swatted my shoulder. “And you call Rainbow Dash self-centered. But yeah, you did come up. Though in our defense, you can be a lot of fun to talk about.”

“I do like to think there are a lot of fun things you can do with me besides talking.” I put a wing around each of them, pulling them in for a three-way hug. “So ... was this a boring talk about my personal life? You two secretly making fun of me and discussing my flaws behind my back? Or was the conversation ... juicy?”

Eepy’s cheeks lit up. “Oh, um, a little bit of everything.” She gave me a reassuring little nuzzle. “Don’t worry, we weren’t seriously making fun of you—just sharing a little harmless humor, and we said plenty of nice things too. We certainly didn’t want to do anything behind your back. We just thought that you needed some space, so we were trying to give it to you. From all the way out here. At my cottage.” She scuffed a hoof along the ground, shooting a nervous look my way.

I nodded gratefully and gave her a reassuring squeeze. “Well, I did need a bit, so thanks.” I chuckled and sheepishly ran a hoof through my mane. “You know, needed a bit to sort everything out. And even though I kinda got more complications tossed at me while trying to sort through my own problems, I think I'm feeling a bit better now.”

One of Blossom’s eyebrows shot up. “What kind of complications? Is everything alright? Is there anything you want to talk about?”

I grimaced and shook my head. “Nothing too bad, certainly nothing you guys need to worry about. Mostly just family stuff, like the fact that Dad’s dating again.” I sighed, my shoulders slumping down. “I wanna be happy that he's happy, but she’s kinda young for him, and it’s just ... y’know, it’s complicated. Feels weird to see him hooking up with somepony who isn’t Mom, and it’s extra-weird that someday I could end up with a stepmother who I literally went to school with.”

Fluttershy started gently guiding me towards her cottage. “How about you sit down and we can talk about it? I can get you a little something to eat and drink if you like.”

I thought it over and shook my head. “That sounds nice, but there’s not much to really talk about. I’m a bit weirded out—anypony would be in my situation. But as long as they’re both happy and the relationship isn’t causing problems, I really don’t think it’s something I should be involved in. Dad never stuck his nose into my love life beyond making sure I was okay. Figure I owe him the same courtesy.” I shrugged, following Fluttershy’s gentle guidance. “Besides, we’ve got a lot of other things we need to discuss first.”

Blossom nodded, making a quick stop to drop off the giant bag of animal food before joining us inside Eepy’s cottage. I took a seat on the sofa, and Blossom joined me while Fluttershy headed to the kitchen. “So, what did you want to talk about first? I mean, I know the obvious thing that’s on everypony’s mind, but if you’d rather start with—”

I gently cut her off with an upraised hoof. “Let’s take care of the elephant in the room first. No way we could focus on anything else while the pregnancy thing is hanging over our heads, and most of the other things we’d talk about are gonna hinge on how we settle that.”

“Yeah, no kidding.” She leaned over and gave me a reassuring nuzzle, smiling supportively and taking one of my hooves in hers. “Okay then, let’s talk this out.”

“I think that would be a very good idea.” Fluttershy chimed in as she trotted over, setting down three glasses of lemonade and a platter of cheese and crackers. “I know I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and would feel much better if everything were settled.”

“I think we all would,” I agreed. “And thanks for the snacks, Eepy.” I sipped the lemonade, quite pleased to discover it was appropriately tart and lemon-y. Way too many ponies make lemonade that tastes more like sugar-water with a couple drops of lemon juice in it. “So I've thought it over and talked to my family about the pregnancy, and I'm leaning towards keeping it.”

Next thing I knew, my face was full of Fluttershy’s wings as she shot over and wrapped me in a hug worthy of her pet bear. “Oh, Cloud! That's wonderful. I’m so glad we’re going to have a baby and you’re not going to...” she trailed off, nuzzling me in lieu of saying anything more.

Blossom smiled and tried to join in on the hug, but there was far too much Fluttershy wrapped around me for her to squeeze in. Eventually, she had to settle for squeezing my shoulder and smiling. “Glad to hear it. I know you said you didn’t want to be pressured or anything, but ... I think you made the right call.”

I hugged Fluttershy back, if only because I didn’t have much choice in the matter. I was a bit peeved that they were both so ... well not exactly pushy, but making it very clear that they thought I’d made the ‘right’ choice by keeping the kid. Sure, they’d respected my wishes and backed off until I decided for myself, but it was still pretty plain what they thought. So despite having two beautiful ponies who loved me in close proximity, I wasn’t exactly feeling very enthusiastic about the whole thing. “Yeah, I guess.”

Fluttershy seemed to pick up on my mood, giving me a reassuring little squeeze. “We'll make this work, I promise.”

“Yeah,” Blossom nodded along eagerly. “Whatever you need, just name it and we’ll make it happen. Anything at all.” She paused, then amended, “Well, almost anything. I might have to draw the line at some sort of crazy orgy.”

“Well there you go ruining all my plans...” They both chuckled at the joke, but in all honesty I hadn’t really planned anything like that. With Blossom and Eepy, things were kinda special, and adding more ponies to the group might throw off the balance. Besides, orgies are kinda overrated in my experience—even I have trouble pleasing or being pleased by more than five ponies at the same time. Plus there’s stuff like ponies getting all tangled up with each other, getting in each other’s way, and the eternal fights over who gets to have access to my fun bits.

With a roll of the eyes, Blossom playfully swatted my shoulder. “I'm sure you’ll survive only having twice as many partners as most ponies. But back to the big news: we’re gonna have a kid. That’s ... pretty huge, don’t you think?”

“Nah, no big deal,” I shot back, grinning. “I’ll pudge up for a while, but my teats will get bigger to make up for it. Not to mention the chance to find out if either of you have any pregnancy-related kinks. Oh, and Rainbow Dash will dote on me for a bit, which makes me wonder if she has some of those fetishes.” I would have to remember to tease her mercilessly about that once I had a proper baby bump.

Blossom chuckled. “And of course, you somehow manage to turn the topic back to sex again. And kinky sex on top of that. And about our boss, too.” She gently bapped me on the nose. “Shame on you, Cloud. I can already tell we’re gonna have a lot of work to do if you’re going to be a proper, non-corrupting mother.” Her teasing grin shifted to a more serious contemplative frown. “Though honestly, I think you’ll be fine. After all, we’re pretty sure Dinky’s still held onto her innocence despite all the time you spend around her.”

“Yeah, you can tell by the fact that Derpy hasn’t murdered me yet.” My ears perked up as I remembered what had happened the other day. “Oh, dunno if you guys have heard yet, but little Dinky got her cutie mark. Big news, be sure to go and hug her if you haven’t already.”

That prompted a bit of happy chatter and a few questions about her mark and her special talent, but they didn’t stay distracted for long. It was almost like ponies who knew and loved me had figured out my habit of changing the subject when I didn’t want to talk about something. Fluttershy got things back on track as soon as the obligatory commentary on Dinky’s new butt symbol was done with. “You know, Cloud, we should get you a doctor’s appointment as soon as we can. We want to make sure you and the foal are going to be healthy.”

My ears fell a bit as I realized what was in store. Doctors’ appointments. Lots and lots of them. I didn’t hate getting an occasional checkup, but from what I remembered from Derpy’s pregnancy, it had pretty much been a weekly thing. I liked Redheart and the other ponies at the hospital just fine, but that didn’t mean I wanted to see them all the time. However, I couldn’t really argue with the idea that I needed regular checkups if I was going to be having a kid. It was just part of the package. “Seeing a doctor seems prudent, yeah.”

Blossom frowned thoughtfully. “Did you want us coming with you for that? I mean, we’d be glad to be there if you want us, but some of it might be pretty private.”

She wasn’t wrong—Redheart had done most of my exams, and probably knew way more than she’d ever wanted to about both my love life and my mare parts. The whole experience was usually awkward and uncomfortable enough without adding an audience to the mix. “I dunno. I mean, it’s complicated. It’d be weird, but if you guys were there it’d save me the trouble of repeating everything the doctor tells me, ‘cause I know you’ll want to hear it all. Plus, you might think of some good questions I’d miss. Maybe not for the actual exam, but bring you in once Redheart’s done looking under my tail and gets down to telling me the results?”

“That sounds like a good idea,” Fluttershy agreed, finally releasing me from her feathery embrace. “Though would she really need to look there during your exam?”

I shrugged. “I’m no expert, but I imagine it’ll come up at some point. I mean, a kid’s coming out of there eventually. Somepony’s gonna have to make sure everything’s in working order.”

“Thanks for making the miracle of birth sound both disgusting and utilitarian, Cloud,” Blossom deadpanned. “Though speaking of not being an expert, maybe we should get some books from the library.” She paused, her ears drooping. “Oh right, there isn't a library anymore.” She rubbed the back of her neck. “That's gonna be a bit of an adjustment.”

“I don’t think it’ll be that bad,” I reassured her. “Twilight's already got fresh shipments of books inbound.” I thought it over for a minute, then amended. “Though I'm not sure if all those books will actually be a library or just her personal collection.”

“I can ask her if she wouldn’t mind letting us borrow some of them when it’s not too much trouble,” Fluttershy chimed in. “I have a bit of experience from taking care of my animals, but there’s a big difference between a bunny and a pony. I’d like to do some research. I don’t think Twilight would mind; she’s usually very nice about letting ponies borrow books when they need them, and we are her friends. Not to mention ... well, I don’t think she’d need any books about pregnancy for herself in the near future.”

I nodded. “She's nice about it as long as ponies ask first and return them according to schedule.” I’d made the mistake of being one day late returning a book once. For a year after, she’d put tracking spells on any book I borrowed from her, and the book lit up and started shaking the day I was supposed to return it. “And knowing her, she probably already ordered some books on pregnancy stuff once she found out about me.”

“Sounds about right,” Blossom agreed. “The question is, did she do it because she wants to learn more, or to get them for you?”

I grinned and poked her chest. “You assume it's not both. Five bits says she pulls an all-nighter to speed-read the books herself before lending them to us.”

“That sounds like exactly what Twilight would do,” Fluttershy agreed.

“Yeah, nopony’s gonna take that bet.” Blossom’s eyes flicked towards the new palace. “She likes being efficient and thorough when it comes to her books. In any case, the good news is that if she hasn't ordered the books already, all we'll have to do to get her to order them is to ask some pregnancy-related questions. She hates not knowing the answer to anything.”

I chuckled and nodded. “Yeah, nothing bugs her more than knowing that she doesn’t know something.” I grinned as I remembered a chat with my cousin a couple weeks back. “Storm told me she once went without sleep for a week trying to solve the paradox caused by Midnight’s Third Law of Shadow Transmutation and Shadow Conversion when viewed in light of Starswirl’s First Law of Magical Conservation. Or something like that. When Twilight tried to explain it all to me, I got lost after about five seconds, and I don’t think that was just because she was loopy from sleep deprivation. Looking at her blackboards full of notes made my eyes hurt.”

“Oh dear.” One of Fluttershy’s hooves flew up to her mouth. “She was alright, wasn’t she?”

I shrugged. “Nothing that couldn’t be fixed with a day of proper bedrest and Storm herding her away from her lab until she could sanitize it.“

“Glad to hear it.” Blossom grabbed some crackers off the plate. “Things go crazy often enough in Ponyville without Twilight driving herself into the ground. She could use a little more stability in her life—and maybe somepony to help keep her grounded when she starts working herself into a frenzy.”

“Why do you think I’m trying to hook her up with Storm?” I shot back, smirking. “Though admittedly, that’s mostly just because they’re both way too much fun to tease. Twilight flusters so easy, and the giant stick Storm has stuck up her plot makes her a great target. Why do you think Star likes going after her so much?”

“Be nice to your cousin, Cloud,” Fluttershy gently chided. “I know you like teasing her, and there’s nothing wrong with that as long as you’re both having fun, but sometimes teasing that one pony thinks is harmless can really upset the other pony.”

“Yeah, of course.” A little twinge of guilt shot through me as I remembered some of Eepy’s past experiences at flight camp. It was why I didn’t tease her very often and was very careful whenever I did. She wasn’t like Rainbow Dash, where the two of us could just spend hours poking fun at each other and tossing out casual insults as a bonding experience.

I tried to shift the conversation to something a bit safer. “But anyway, it sounds like we’ve got all the pregnancy stuff settled then. I mean, there’s still checkups with the doctor and everything, but that’s something we’ll have to take care of as we go.”

“Um, actually...” Fluttershy nervously pawed at the ground, not quite meeting my eyes. “There are a couple other things that I would like to talk about, if you don't mind. I was just thinking that it might be a good idea if you moved in with one of us, or if we moved in with you. At least while you're pregnant and while the foal’s still young.”

Blossom’s ears perked up. “Yeah, considering how bad the morning sickness was for you the other day, it’d probably be a good idea to have somepony else around. Not to mention that once you start getting really pregnant, you might need somepony else on hoof to deal with any medical issues that crop up. I don’t want to end up in a situation where you need help and nopony’s there for you.” She tapped her chin thoughtfully. “And once you actually have the kid ... well, I’m no expert, but I’ve always heard that taking care of a newborn is a ton of work. Having one or two more sets of hooves around to help with taking care of the baby might be a good idea. If nothing else, it’ll help you get more sleep.”

I couldn’t really think of any rational argument to dispute the points they were making, but for some reason I really wasn’t wild about the idea of having them move in with me. It’s not like I didn’t love them or anything, but something about the idea just bugged me. But that wasn’t the sort of answer I could give in the face of a bunch of very reasonable points, so instead my ears went flat and I conceded. “That does make sense.”

Blossom nodded along, clearly liking the idea more and more if I was to judge by the smile on her face. And why wouldn’t she like it? She’d wanted to move in with me before the whole pregnancy issue had even come up. “We might even want to look into buying a bigger house as well. Even you've described your house as a bachelorette pad, and there really isn’t anywhere we could turn into a new room for the foal. Not to mention that while your bed has plenty of space for all three of us, your bedroom’s a bit short on closet space if three mares are gonna be living there.”

“Well, it’s not like you’d need to bring all your stuff over right away,” I murmured, running a hoof through my mane. “And as far as the foal goes we could probably ... I dunno. I mean, I could fit a crib in my bedroom. It’d save time compared to putting the baby in its own room, which we’d have to get up and go into any time it needed something.”

“That's kinda a short-term solution,” Blossom countered. “Our kid is going to need its own room sooner or later.” She shot me a flat look. “Not unless you think having a growing filly or colt sleeping in the same room as us is a good idea. I know parents are supposed to have a less active sex life, but I don’t want to spend the next eighteen years going without, and I’m pretty sure you’d go insane if you tried.”

“Point taken,” I conceded. Not even I was stubborn enough to keep digging in my hooves when my plan would’ve forced near-celibacy on me. I wasn’t quite as sex-crazed as my reputation would suggest, and I could probably find ways around that restriction, but the idea of not being able to bang ponies in my own bed unsettled me on a visceral level.

“There's always new houses being built in Ponyville,” Fluttershy chimed in, smiling hopefully. “We can see what the prices are like and then make a decision from there.”

“Or we could just expand my place a bit,” I offered. “Add on a room for the kid.”

Blossom frowned, humming to herself as she rubbed her chin. “We’d need to do more than just add one room on. The living room really isn’t big enough for an entire family, and you don’t even have a proper dining room. Then we’ll need more storage too, and I expect that all three of us wouldn’t mind having some private space. Fluttershy has her animals, I have my workshop, and so on. Plus, with four ponies living there full-time, adding a second bathroom is pretty much mandatory.” She grabbed a napkin and doodled out a crude blueprint of my simple little house, then tacked on several extra rooms to account for all the additions. “We’re not exactly talking about a minor project—we’d be doing so much remodeling it might actually be cheaper and easier to just build a new house from the ground up. Plus it’d give us a lot more flexibility with the design and floorplan.”

“Not to mention all the time it would take to get that work done, and how much stress it would put Cloud under.” Fluttershy frowned, her eyes flicking down to my belly. “Stress isn't very healthy for a pregnant mare, and having a bunch of construction ponies going in and out of her house all the time working on things sounds very stressful.”

“Yeah, while losing my home is a completely stress-free experience,” I grumbled under my breath. Regardless of the facts, I liked my current house just fine. It was nice and cozy, and just about perfectly sized for me. Big enough to have company over, but not so big that it felt empty when I was there by myself. I’d been living there since I’d moved to Ponyville, and I hadn’t ever really thought about going somewhere else. I felt a sudden stab of empathy for Twilight Sparkle; her new palace might be nice and all, but it wasn’t the home she’d lived in for years.

Fluttershy seemed to pick up on my mood, leaning over and gently nuzzling me. “I'm sorry, maybe we’re rushing into planning all of this a bit too soon.”

“Yeah, I wasn’t trying to push you into a bunch of stuff you aren’t ready for.” Blossom gave me a quick reassuring hug. “I guess I just got caught up in all the planning. It’s just that ... well, getting a new home is big deal, and it’s gonna take a long time to get everything taken care of. I’d like to have everything squared away and all of us settled in before you get too pregnant.” One of her wings flicked uncertainly. “I'm all for doing a big project, but not until we’re all sure that’s what we want to do. I mean, look at how much time and effort Derpy has put into fixing up her place over the years.”

I let out a halfhearted chuckle. “It’s not a perfect comparison, given how much of that is repair work and preventative maintenance. I don't start kitchen fires on a weekly basis.” Then again, I also don’t make muffins as good as Derpy’s...

“I don’t think she’s that bad about it,” Fluttershy demurred, flushing faintly. “Though we did have to repair that one wall after she knocked a hole in it. And clean up all that paint after she accidently knocked all the buckets over. And reinforce the frame for her front door. Plus there was the time she...” Eepy frowned, shaking her head. “Oh, it sounds a lot meaner when I say it all out loud. Derpy really is a nice pony, even if a few little things go wrong around her sometimes. While it did take a lot of time and effort to fix her home, Cloud, Rainbow, and I all loved doing it. After all, she’s such a good friend, and she needed our help.”

“Yeah, that’s true.” I paused a moment, then hastily amended, “If Derpy offers to help with any of the work on my place to pay me back, let’s very politely turn her down. I love the mare, but she was bad enough just doing a bit of light labor while she was pregnant. I can’t see having Derpy work construction ending well.”

“The only question would be whether the house collapsed before or after it caught on fire,” Blossom agreed with a snicker. “So getting back to business, how about if I start asking around and getting some estimates on how much a new house would cost, along with what it would take to expand Cloud’s place? Not gonna commit to anything, just figure out where we stand and get an idea of where we’d go moving forward.”

I shrugged, still not too enthusiastic about the topic but in no mood to argue the point. “I guess it doesn't hurt to check our options.”

Fluttershy pulled me in for another reassuring hug, slowly running a hoof through my mane and murmuring softly into my ear. “Don’t worry, Cloud. Everything is going to be fine. We still have plenty of time to take care of everything. We’re not going to rush you.”

That was a funny thing to say when Blossom seemed bent on doing exactly that. A second after thinking that I wondered if I was being unfair to her, and took a couple deep breaths until I was feeling slightly calmer. Blossom wasn’t trying to push me into anything—she was just trying to be responsible. “Right. There’s no rush. we've got time. And bits shouldn't be too much of an issue, as long as we don't go crazy with the house.” I slowly extracted myself from Eepy’s hold. “I've shopped for a home before, I know how it works. I appreciate you offering to help, Blossom, but I built your cloud-house. I can take care of getting my house ... er, taken care of by myself.”

“Um...” Blossom shifted in her seat, her eyes dropping down to the table. “Maybe we should consider making it our house? I mean, it would probably be a lot easier to afford if all three of us were paying for it, and...”

“Oh.” Damn, another one of those times when Blossom made a sensible point I couldn’t really argue against. I’d saved up some bits, but not enough to pay for an entire house on my own, especially since I’d burned up most of my cash a couple years ago to deal with the whole West Hoof issue. Sure, I could take out a loan and/or ask my family for help, but those were both obviously worse options than just letting the ponies who loved me help out. Especially since I couldn’t even come up with a good explanation for why I didn’t want their help.

Blossom smiled, seeming quite oblivious to my worries. “As long as we’re going to be living together anyway, we might as well split the bills. Besides, I would like to be close to our kid even after it’s born. Kinda goes with being a responsible parent.”

Eepy nodded along, smiling as well. Why was everypony smiling? “We are going to have to figure out how we're going to handle raising the foal. There are just so many different things to address. Like what kind of education the baby will have, finding a good pediatrician...” She paused, and her ears perked up. “Oh! And I suppose we’d need to decide on some things related to Cloud’s family, too. I certainly wouldn’t mind the baby being a member of her clan, but some of the things in the Cult of Shadow can be a little scary for little foals...”

“Oh.” My shoulders slumped. I hadn’t even considered whether my kid would be part of the clan or raised in the Cult or not. I guess I’d just kind of taken it for granted. I mean, it was my kid growing in my belly, after all. Except that it wasn’t just my kid; it was our kid. “Right. I guess it would be a thing we need to discuss as a group.”

Blossom grinned and gave me a teasing poke in the side. “You don't have to do the single mom thing like Derpy, you know. We’re not going anywhere.”

I tensed up, my eyes flicking to the door as my brain started calculating how quickly I could get to it. I could guess what she was building up towards, and I really didn’t want the conversation to go in that direction.

Eepy shot a worried frown my way, gently draping a wing over my shoulders. “Is everything alright, Cloud? You seem a little upset.”

“I’m fine,” I lied. “Just ... thinking.”

“About what?” Blossom prompted. “If something’s bothering you, why don’t you tell us so we can help work it out?”

I tried to come up with some way to explain it all that didn’t make me sound stupid, or like an insensitive jerk who didn’t appreciate everything the two of them were trying to do to help. “It’s just ... all of it, you know? It's gonna be a huge thing.”

Blossom chuckled ruefully. “You're telling me, I'm still wrapping my head around it all. But just like any other big thing, you work on it one issue at a time. There’s a lot of work involved in raising a kid, and the sooner we get started on planning everything out and deciding what we’ll do, the sooner we can get it all done. A bit of planning now will save us a ton of trouble down the road.”

“Exactly,” Fluttershy agreed, giving me a comforting nuzzle. “Don’t worry, Cloud. We’ll have a family once we get everything taken care of , and that’s going to be so wonderful.”

“Yeah,” I repeated flatly. “Wonderful.”

Blossom frowned. “You okay?”

“I'm fine,” I grunted out.

Her frown deepened. “Well, you don’t sound fine.”

Fluttershy shot a look at Blossom, then gave me a supportive smile. “We just want you to know that we're here for you, whatever you need.”

Blossom sighed, then nodded. “Right, what Fluttershy said. None of us were expecting this, and if you need some time or anything else to get things figured out, we're behind you, one hundred percent of the way.”

I smiled at both of them, feeling a bit better. Maybe I’d misread where Blossom was trying to take the conversation. “Thanks. Both of you. Just ... thanks.” I gave the two beautiful mares on each side of me a quick kiss. “So, now that we’re all here, and Fluttershy’s bedroom is just over there...”

Blossom snorted and rolled her eyes. “Of course that’d be the first thing you think of. Not saying no, mind you, just that we’re not quite done yet.” She smiled and kissed my cheek. “You know, now might be a good time to consider our future.”

And just like that, I tensed up again. I should’ve known better than to let down my guard. “I thought that was what we were doing?”

“I know, I know.” Blossom flushed, smiling sheepishly. “What I mean is...” She scooted a bit closer, reaching over to gently rub my belly. “Now that we have a foal on the way, maybe now's a good time to consider ... making things a bit more official.”

Yep, there it was.

Fluttershy gasped, her hooves flying up to cover her mouth. “Oh my goodness! That's... You have a good point, Blossomforth. We've been together for two years, now that I think about it. And if we’re going to be raising a foal together, it’s really only proper—not to mention it would give us a more stable home. So I think it would be a good idea for us to consider getting married.”

And now it was out in the open. The dreaded M-word. I tried not to panic too much, or at least not let my panic show. “M-m-married?!”

Blossom’s smile widened, the blush fading from her cheeks. “Yep, you, me, and Fluttershy.” She leaned against me, closing her eyes and letting out a contented sigh. “All of us going down the aisle to say our vows...”

Eepy leaned in from the other side, effectively trapping me between them. “I've always dreamed of having the perfect wedding day. I mean the dresses, the decorations, all of our friends and family being there. It's so romantic, and I know Rarity and Twilight and the others would help give us the best wedding they could—and they did such a wonderful job with Princess Cadance and Shining Armor’s. Um—the real one—though the one where he almost married Queen Chrysalis was pretty nice too aside from Chrysalis being a horrible evil monster. But nothing like that should happen to us, and then after the wedding we'll get to spend the rest of our lives together...”

A shiver ran down my spine, and my stomach clenched up painfully. I tried to take a deep breath and calm down a bit, but my breath came out in short, sharp gasps. It felt like my heart was racing a mile a minute, and I could feel sweat breaking out all over my body. The wave of nausea that hit me was all too familiar. “I ... uh ... I gotta ... bathroom.”

I bolted off the couch, drawing startled yelps from the two of them as I nearly knocked over the table in my haste to get out of there. I’d just managed to shut and lock the door behind me when my stomach clenched again, and I barely managed to make it to the toilet as all the crackers and lemonade I’d just snacked on came rushing back out.

I knelt on the floor, groaning and clutching my stomach. I was feeling slightly better after getting everything I’d eaten in the last couple minutes out, but from the way my belly was twisting and turning, I had a feeling I wouldn’t be out of the woods until it was completely empty.

Blossom rapped on the door. “Cloud, you okay in there? Need any help?”

“Oh yeah, I’m just peachy,” I snapped out sarcastically. “Nothing makes my day quite like—” I quickly turned back to the porcelain bowl, clutching the sides as the half-digested breakfast I’d shared with my aunt and uncle came flying back out.

I really hate morning sickness. Especially since this was technically the early afternoon, so by rights I should’ve been safe from it by now.

The door rattled as Blossom tried to get in. “Um, Cloud? The door’s locked. Mind opening it when you get a sec?”

I groaned, wiping my mouth off. “Yeah, I’ll get right on that as soon as I’m done throwing up. Sorry if that’s inconvenient for you.” I knew I was being a bit snippy with them, but I was a pregnant mare in the middle of puking my guts out. I was well within my rights to be grouchy about the situation.

The next few minutes were distinctly unpleasant, but once my stomach was completely empty I started feeling slightly better. My stomach’s complaints were dying down, and the shakes, shortness of breath, and the rest of it seemed to be on the way out as well. That had been a way nastier bit of morning sickness attack than usual, but whatever it was, it was over.

Fluttershy gently rapped on the door. “Cloud, are you done with your morning sickness? You’ve been in there for an awful long time, but it doesn’t sound like ... well, you haven’t made any noises for a bit. I have the key, so we can come in if you want us to. I’ve got some water and a little bit of plain bread to get that awful taste out of your mouth.”

Tempting as the offer was, the idea of going back out there and returning to talk about marriage and lifetime commitments and raising a family together was just ... nope. I couldn’t do it. Another shiver ran down my spine, and my voice came out a lot snappier than I’d intended. “Will you two just give me minute to catch my breath and wash my mouth out without hovering over my head bothering me? Shadow's teats...”

Half a second after I’d finished talking, I already felt like a massive jerk. Yelling at ponies who loved you and just wanted to help tends to have that effect. It wasn’t like I didn’t appreciate what they were trying to do or anything. I just ... I really didn’t want to deal with them worrying and fussing over me right now. It was just morning sickness. I’d dealt with it before, and I’d have to deal with it again before this whole mess was done with.

I glanced back at the bathroom door. The idea of going out there and talking to them again, having to put up with everything, then going right back to talking about whether or not we were going to get married—another shiver ran down my spine, and my stomach rumbled unpleasantly despite being empty.

That was when I noticed Fluttershy’s bathroom had a nice pony-sized window. I was a little surprised neither one of them had tried to come around and slip through it yet. However, that did give me a way out. A somewhat cowardly and dishonest escape, but considering the alternative was going back out to face them again... “Yup, I can live with being a coward.”

I managed to make it back to town without Blossom and Eepy catching me. I was still feeling pretty miserable about running out on them, but not quite miserable enough to turn around and head back. Especially since after fleeing the scene things would be even worse. I felt too guilty about acting like a jerk to go back and fix all the jerkish things I’d done.

We’ve already got princesses of love and friendship. If Celestia ever decides to add in a princess of bad decisions, I’ve got that thing locked.

I had no idea what I was going to do next. I could go home, but that would be the first place Blossom and Eepy would look for me. Not that I would be able to hide from them for very long in any case; Star was in town, and it wouldn’t take them too long to think of asking her for help. And if they told my family and everypony else that I’d just up and vanished from their bathroom it’d probably start an even bigger panic, and that was the last thing I wanted. I’d just ... I’d just needed a little breathing room.

I finally found my way out when I spotted Rainbow Dash relaxing on a cloud, watching the weather crews work. I zipped up to her. “Rainbow...”

Dash turned around, frowning at me. “Hey, Cloud? You alright? You look kinda...”

Considering Rainbow was actually being tactful and not finishing that sentence, I must have looked pretty awful. No surprise, when in the last few minutes I’d thrown up, snuck out a bathroom window, and fled to Ponyville in a half-blind panic. I had no idea what I was doing or how I was supposed to fix this whole big mess, but I knew I had to do something. Right now, the only thing I could decide on was that I really needed a hug, and Rainbow Dash was right in front of me. I latched onto her, and then next thing I knew, I’d started crying.

Rainbow hugged back on pure reflex, but when she spotted the tears she let out a worried hiss, her eyes nervously darting around. “Aw geeze, Cloud. Don't ... aw...” She reached up and gave me a very awkward, uncomfortable pat on the back. “Er ... there there. C’mon, don't ... Cloud, please stop crying.”

I tried to for maybe half a second, but that just made things worse. I buried my face into her shoulder, sobbing out of control and no doubt soaking her mane and coat.

“Aww...” Rainbow hesitated, then slowly reached up and tried to stroke my mane, though her hoof was moving a bit too jerkily to really make it very comforting. “C’mon, Kicker, everything’s gonna be fine. I promise we’ll fix whatever’s got you so upset, so ... y’know ... you can stop crying now.” Her eyes flicked around again, and a hint of desperation entered her voice. “Please?”

I sniffled and finally managed to get it under control. “Sorry, it’s just ... I’m ... everything’s turning into a big mess.”

“Hey...” Rainbow pulled back a bit, and her shoulders untensed since I wasn’t crying anymore. “Everything'll be okay. You got me and Fluttershy and your family and everypony else. You hear me? We got your back.”

I nodded, wiping away the last bits of moisture in the corner of my eyes. “I know everypony wants to help me, and you’re all being really great, it’s just ... everything's changing so much, and I don't know what to do about it.”

“You don't have to figure this all out on your own,” Rainbow answered, giving me a confident little smile. “That's why you have awesome friends like me: to help you work things out when you're not sure what to do.”

“But my friends are all mixed up in this.” I flopped down on the cloud, staring down at Ponyville below us. “I mean, Eepy and Blossom are ... well, they seem to be teaming up as co-sires to the foal so far. Then Derpy wants more kids, so she’s all for me having one too. And ... and you're the only one who's ... who's...” The words turned into a choked sob, and I could feel tears gathering in my eyes again.

“Aw horseapples.” Rainbow settled down next to me, draping a wing over my back and gently covering my face. “Look, Kicker, I...” Though I couldn’t see much between the tears and her wing, I felt her shuffling around on the cloud. “I wish I knew what to say or what to do. But I don't. All I know is that ... well, you have to make the choice that's right for you. Whatever you end up doing, it’s gotta be what you wanna do. Otherwise ... well, it’s gonna suck.”

I sighed and nodded along. “I know that. It’s just ... well, every time I think I figure out what it is I want, things go crazy again and I start wondering whether I really know what I want or not. Like with this: I was pretty sure I wanted the kid, but then Blossom and Fluttershy were talking about moving in with me and that I'd have to buy a new house so there'd be room for all of us, and then they started talking about ... you know...” My ears drooped down and the next words came out in a whisper. “Well ... the M-word came up. And I guess I kind of ... well, I freaked out a little bit.”

“Yeah, all the crazy crying kinda gave that away.” Ah, there was the diplomatic Rainbow Dash I knew so well. She sighed and rubbed the back of her neck. “Look, Kicker, they probably just wanna do right by the kid ... y’know, make sure it’s got a good home and a family and stuff. But if this is all too much to take in at once, then I think you should tell them that. Everypony knows that kids are a big deal, and so far they’ve been really cool about giving you some time and space when you need it. Don’t think they’d stop now.”

I leaned over and gently nuzzled her shoulder, wiping my eyes off on her coat. She was right, of course. There was no reason to expect they’d be completely unreasonable if I asked for a bit more time. It had only been ... what, three or four days since we’d gotten the big news? Shadow, had it really been that short? It felt like so much more. How could so many things happen in so little time?

Rainbow gave me a final pat on the back and removed her wing. “So, you feeling better now? Got all the crying out of your system?”

“A bit, yeah.” I pulled her in for a proper friendly hug that didn’t involve any sobbing or panicked crying. “Thanks, Dash.”

Rainbow grinned and returned the favor. “S’what I do. You know, be an awesome friend who helps out her buddies when they’re in a jam.”

“Yeah, you do.” I tightened my hug, because I felt like I wasn’t hugging her nearly enough after everything she’d done for me. “Really though, I mean it. Thanks. Dunno what I would’ve done without you here.”

She let out a cute little squeak as I squeezed. “Uh ... s’not that big of a deal. I mean, you probably could’ve talked to your dad or something instead.”

“Maybe, but you’re the one who was there for me when I needed you.” I leaned over and nuzzled her cheek. “You're such a good friend...”

“Uh, well, yeah ... ‘course I am...” Rainbow tried to keep up her confident front, but the growing blush on her cheeks made it plain enough that all the praise was starting to get to her.

I took one look at her pink cheeks and knew what I had to do. A little bit of back-and-forth teasing sounded like the perfect way to get things back to ... well maybe not normal, but at least a bit more normal-ish than they’d been lately. “Hey, Rainbow? Have I ever told you that you're really cute when you blush? Totally adorable.”

Naturally, that made her blushing get even worse, which only enhanced her cuteness. She gave me a halfhearted swat with one of her wings. “Oh shuddup...”

I grinned and went in for the kill. “Cutie pie. I could just eat you up.” I playfully nipped at the air in front of her.

Rainbow let out a nervous squeak and held up her hooves, gently fending me off. “Whoa, down, Cloud. Is that ... are you just being you, or are you getting all hormones and stuff on me?”

My first instinct was to deny that I was riding the hormonal crazy train, but that would have rung pretty hollow considering what I’d been up to five minutes ago. Besides, teasing Rainbow was only fun if she was playing along instead of actually worrying about me. “Right, fine, backing off.” I tossed out a quick joke so things wouldn’t get awkward. “Could be worse. Here's a real nightmare scenario for you: imagine pregnant and hormonal Rarity.”

Rainbow blinked, then shivered. “Okay, I’ll give you that one. I love Rares, but she’s enough of a drama queen without adding a bunch of hormonal craziness to the mix. She’d be crying all the time and screaming at random ponies to stop looking at her while she’s fat and ugly.” She tapped her chin thoughtfully. “Actually, I dunno about the others either. I mean, Pinkie’s awesome, but the last thing she needs is to be even more random. Or Fluttershy having nutty mood swings. Or...” she shrugged. “Come to think of it, me and AJ might be the most level-headed mares to get pregnant. Applebutt would probably just have a bunch of crazy cravings for apples, and I ... well, not being able to fly and do awesome stunts would stink, but as long as I wasn’t totally bored, I’d be fine.”

I thought Rainbow might be giving herself a touch too much credit, but I didn’t feel like arguing the point. “That just leaves Twilight. I guess that would depend on how stressful it gets. She'd be fine normally, just overplanning everything, but if something went wrong...” I chuckled and shook my head. “She nearly blew up the moon last time she got overstressed, and that was without any hormonal craziness added to the mix. Though at least she’s got Spike and Storm around to keep her in check and let her know when she needs to calm down a bit.” I chuckled and gave Rainbow a playful little nudge. “Really, as far as pregnancy hormones go, I'm one of the better ones. Worst I'll do is hit on you.”

Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Yeah, great. It’s not like you don’t do that all the time anyway.”

I held up a hoof. “No, I teasingly flirt with you a lot. Mostly because your reactions are cute and amusing. If I start really riding on the hormonal crazy train, there’s a chance I might hit on you for real instead of just doing it to mess with you. If I do, just be gentle when my sexy charm overwhelms you and you take me to bed. I know you’ll be half-mad with lust and just want to bang me until we’re both utterly exhausted puddles of warm, sticky pleasure, but you have to take things slow and gentle when you’re in bed with a pregnant mare.”

Rainbow scoffed and rolled her eyes. “And ponies say I’m the one who has an ego.” She cleared her throat and changed the subject. “So, did talking to your family help any?”

“I think so, yeah.” I shifted around, shooting an awkward look at the palace where they were staying. “I mean, it obviously didn’t fix everything, but I felt better after I talked to them than I did before. Even with some of the extra surprises that came up.”

“Cool.” Rainbow paused, then shot a worried look at me. “Er, what sort of surprises are we talking about?”

“Dad’s dating again,” I answered. “And a younger mare, too. If he picks up a bad wig and buys a fancy, expensive carriage, I’m officially calling it a mid-life crisis.” I shrugged. “It’s ... well, I’m dealing with it. His new girlfriend seems nice enough, but it’s just weird to think of my Dad going out on the town and playing the field when he was married to Mom for my entire life.”

“Yeah, I could see it.” Rainbow gave me an understanding pat on the back. “It’s like how it freaks me out every time you pretend to flirt with my parents.” She paused, then gave me a very gentle whap on the back of the head. “Jerk.”

I chuckled and took the smack in stride. “I’d apologize, but we both know I’m not actually sorry at all.” We both snickered and poked each other a couple times, but the good mood didn’t last forever. Eventually I had to get back to dealing with all those massive problems I had. “So, what do I do about the sexy mares who love me and want to do what’s best for me?”

Rainbow snorted. “I don't love you ... oh wait, you meant your marefriends, didn't you?”

“Yeah, them.” I pouted and fluttered my eyelashes at her. “Though you know you love me.”

Rainbow rolled her eyes and booped me on the nose. “Eh, I guess you’re okay. Not great or anything, but alright.”

I snorted and bapped her right back. “Love you too, goofball.” I chuckled and leaned back on the cloud. “But yeah, gimme the good advice, Oh Noble and Wise Rainbow Dash.”

Rainbow thought it over for a moment, then nodded and shifted her voice to make herself sound like a wise old mare. “Never hold your nose and sneeze with your mouth closed.”

I gave her a rather pointed nip on the ear. “Advice about my love life, featherbrain.”

Rainbow scoffed. “Sheesh, I go from noble and wise to a featherbrain in ten seconds flat. Make up your mind, Kicker.” She flicked my nose with the tip of a feather, which seemed like a bit of a flawed plan when I would’ve sneezed all over her if she tickled my nose too much. “Alright, so advice on your love life. I guess you better start by telling me what’s been going on with you, Flutters, and Freckles, ‘cause so far all I’ve gotten out of you is that they love you and wanna marry you, and for some reason that made you freak out. So ... well, seems like you like ‘em fine and you’ve been with ‘em for years now. Why don’t you wanna get married?”

I sighed and tried to come up with a good way to explain it. “It’s just that ... well, they're moving too fast for me, but I ... well, it’s hard to find a diplomatic way to say ‘I don't think I wanna get married right now.’ It’s kinda hard to turn down a proposal without hurting everypony’s feelings and causing a lot of drama. So I need a way to ... y’know, say it gently.”

I had a brief moment of blind terror as I realized that I was asking Rainbow Dash for advice on how to be considerate, thoughtful, and sensitive. To be fair, she was capable of doing those things, but asking her for advice on the subject was kind of like asking Discord for advice on how to be an orderly, sane, law-abiding citizen.

Rainbow nodded thoughtfully. “Okay, first things first: are they both on the same page about wanting to get married?”

“Seemed like they were, yeah.” My shoulders slumped a bit. “I mean, up Eepy started gushing about how much she loved the idea when Blossom brought it.”

“Yeah, they probably talked it over while you were figuring things out on your own.” Rainbow took a few moments to check that the weather ponies were still doing their jobs before getting back to me. “Okay, next thing. If you say no, do you think that'll mean a break-up?”

“Probably not,” I conceded. “But it'd definitely make things messy. They’d be upset, I’d be upset that they were upset. You know the drill.”

“I guess.” She poked me in the chest. “But there’s one thing you’re missing. It's already messy, and I don't just mean you barfing on Fluttershy. I mean, do you really think they’re gonna be less upset by you running out on them after they brought up marriage than they’d be if you told them that while you love them and stuff, you’re just not ready for the big M-word yet?” She sighed and ran a hoof through mane. “And, well, there’s other stuff to take care of, too. I mean, are you even really sure you wanna keep the kid?”

“Yeah.” I hesitated a moment, suddenly less certain of my choice. “Why? Do you think that's a bad idea?”

Rainbow blinked and quickly shook her head. “No no, if you wanna have a kid, that’s awesome. I just ... you seemed so upset before and now you’re saying that you want it, but your emotions have kinda been all over the place lately. It’s just ... I just want to be sure. Y’know, sure that you're sure.”

I took a long moment to think it over. “I ... I think I'm sure?”

Wow. Way to sound confident and sure of your decisions, me.

Thankfully Rainbow didn’t push me any further on the issue; maybe she figured that I was smart enough to realize and deal with my doubts on my own. “Alright, so you're gonna have the kid. You gonna find out who the sire is?”

I shrugged helplessly. “We didn't get around to discussing that. I kinda think they're trying to just not care about it and both love the kid equally.”

Rainbow frowned. “That probably isn't gonna last. I mean, even if they decide not to get a DNA test or something to figure out who’s the sire before the kid’s born, it’s probably gonna be obvious once the baby’s out and running around. The mystery’s not gonna last very long if the kid’s shy and yellow, or has freckles and loves tinkering with things.”

“There’s no guarantee it’d be that obvious,” I countered.

“Yeah, I guess,” Rainbow conceded. “Kids aren’t always a perfect mix of their parents. I mean, look at the Cake Twins. Or hay, it’s not like you and me are both copies of our parents. But if it’s not obvious who the sire is, then they’ll probably just go back and forth wondering every time the kid does something more Fluttershy-ish or Blossomforth-ish. Might be better to just get it all over.”

“I’d rather not force the issue when they both seem fine with how things are right now.” I groaned and ran a hoof down my muzzle. “I’ve got enough problems as it is without poking a sleeping ursa with a stick.”

She shrugged. “Your call, I guess. Fine, let's just leave that aside for now. If you're gonna keep the kid, it's gonna be harder for you to say no to them moving in, right? I mean, you’re gonna need help while you’re pregnant, you can't take care of the kid all by yourself, and they'd both want to be close to their kid ... or at least, their marefriend’s kid.” She frowned and scratched her head. “So I guess what I don’t get is, why is getting married such a big deal? I mean, compared to having a kid, it’s pretty much nothing. You don’t wanna break up with them or anything, and you’re not the kinda pony who’d stop loving them so long as they didn’t turn into massive jerks or something, so what’s the problem?”

I held up a hoof. “One massive, life-changing event at a time, Dash.”

“If you say so.” Her skeptical frown made it clear she didn’t agree. “There's this old saying I heard sometime: ‘You can't cross an abyss in two jumps.’ Might be better to get it all over with at once, like ripping off a bandage.”

“That depends on what type of bandage you’re wearing and what it’s covering and stuff. In any case, I’m not sure if bandages work the same way as life-changing decisions.” I flopped down onto my back, staring up at the sky. “Look, my life's gonna get crazy enough as it is. I wanna be able to hold onto something that’s not gonna change.”

“Okay, I guess I get that,” Rainbow allowed. “But what exactly are you losing?”

“Er, well...” I needed a bit to figure out how to explain it. “I wouldn't have my own place anymore. Or be single. Or—”

Rainbow cut me off before I could get any further. “You’re gonna be a mom, Cloud. That's a bit bigger than all that other stuff added together. You couldn't live by yourself with a foal. And ... well, for all intents and purposes, you aren't single. You've been pretty firmly tied to Fluttershy and Blossomforth for years now. What's a piece of paper going to change that the rest isn't?”

“It's ... well...” One of my hooves waved about vaguely in the air as I tried to find a way to explain it. “Y'know...”

Rainbow cocked her head to the side. “Nooot really, I don't.”

“It’s ... I like how things are right now.” I shrugged helplessly. “I mean, up until this whole pregnancy thing started, I’d say my life was pretty much perfect. But now it’s all changing, and if my life’s already perfect then any big change would have to make things worse, right?”

“I don’t know if I’d say your life was perfect,” Rainbow shot back with a smirk. “Yeah, you did have a pretty awesome job working for a cool boss, but you still had problems and things that bugged you. You’re just being all nostalgic about the past.” She shrugged. “But, well, that’s the past now. You got pregnant. You decided to keep the foal. Hate to tell you, but you're not going back from that. Stuff’s gonna change whether you want it to or not. All you're gonna do by trying to hold onto the past is make Blossom and Fluttershy wonder why, if you're okay with having their foal, you're not okay with saying ‘I do.’”

I groaned and buried my face in my hooves. “Having the kid is ... that's enough for now. Why do I have to go through even more? I’m not saying I never wanna marry them, just that popping the question three days after I find out I’m pregnant is way too soon.”

Rainbow sighed and nodded along. “Okay, yeah, I can see that. But why are you telling me instead of Blossom and Fluttershy? ‘Cause that seems like the kind of thing that’s pretty important to discuss with them.” She settled in next to me and wrapped a wing over my shoulder. “Look, Cloud, I'll always be in your corner. If I think they're piling too much on you, I'll tell them so. If I think you're being a big wuss, then I'll tell you that, too. If you want, I can go talk to them once we’re done and let them know you’re fine, but a bit freaked out and need some personal time. If you need my help, you’ve got it. But it's your relationship. I'm not dating them, and I'm not having their foal. Sooner or later, you gotta deal with it yourself.”

I slumped against, leaning into her touch. “I guess...”

She pulled me in a bit closer. “You just gotta know why they want this so bad. And if it's a good reason, maybe you'll see why you should get hitched. Maybe the reason isn't so great and you can get them to hold off. Either way, it's better than fretting and moping about it, amiright? ‘Cause the last thing anypony wants is for you to twist yourself into knots worrying about your problems when you could be fixing them. S’not healthy for you, or for the kid.”

I couldn’t argue with her, which was incredibly frustrating. Being out-reasoned by somepony smart like Blossom or Twilight was bad enough, but I knew I was in a bad place when even Rainbow Dash was being more sensible, logical, and careful about thinking things through. “Yeah. I just ... I guess I freaked out a little. It was all happening so fast.”

“So I’ll talk to them about slowing down a bit,” she assured me. “You can talk to them once you’re ready, problem solved.” She poked me in the side. “Well, as long as you’re not a wuss about talking to them eventually. You know I won’t let you get away with that.” She chuckled, stretching out her wings. “So, there we go. I fixed all your problems. Anything else you needed help with?”

“I think we covered it all.” Well, probably not everything, but certainly all the stuff that was bugging me at the moment that could be helped by chatting with Rainbow. And I was certainly feeling less awful than I’d been at the start of the conversation. That was close enough for now.

“Cool.” She hesitated a moment, then gave me one last hug. “You're my friend. You need me, I’ll be there for you. Anytime, anyplace, anything—just tell me you need me, and I’m there.”

“Thanks, Dash.” I leaned into the hug. “You're the best.”

She gave me a quick pat on the back, then let go. “S'gonna be alright.”

Touching as her words were, I couldn’t resist poking her in the tummy and grinning. “Nothing to say about being the best?”

She shrugged and spread out her wings, preening just a bit. “You know I am, I know I am ... figured we were good.”

I snickered and planted a kiss on her forehead, drawing a bit of good-natured grumbling from her. “Yup, you're still you.”

Author's Note

As always, thanks to my pre-reading and editing team for all their hard work. Also, I would like to thank all my dedicated Patreon supporters. You guys are awesome.

Click here if you want to join the list of awesome people who support my writing.

Aaron Kevin Meighen
Aidan Hall
Batbrony
Benjamin McLaren
Borg Lord
Brion Wauters
Chris Hall
Christopher A Cope
Combine
Comma-Kazie
Creideiki
Cyanhyde
DaB.
Darkarma
Deep Cover
Dixie Daley
djthomp
Edmon Star
Emlyn Costilow
FallenAngelXy
Forderz
Jack
Jade Walters
James Miller
Jessica T
Justin Emery
Karl Bragisen
MoistGooDragon
Patrick
Ponibius
Renny Rabbit
Singularity Dream
Stephen
Steven Ilten
Super Trampoline
Sweet Gale
TheAccidentalBrony
Trinary
waritah
Zennyth

All These Kickers Are Crazy

Since I wasn’t quite ready to face Blossom and Eepy again, I decided to close out some other bits of unfinished business first. Namely, giving my cousins the big news.

Fortunately, finding them wouldn’t be difficult. After all, Twilight was still getting her new crystal tree palace set up, and it was a pretty safe bet that Storm would be right there by her side. Especially since Storm was going to be moving in with her. Or at least, I assumed she would. After all, she’d bunked with her in the treehouse, and the palace had a lot more extra room.

Unfortunately, when I rounded a corner in the maze-like corridors of Twilight’s castle, I came to an abrupt halt as I found myself face-to-face with my dad’s ... girlfriend. Yeah, just thinking those words still felt weird.

She likewise hesitated before me, her weight shifting from one hoof to another. Can’t say I blame her; what do you even say in this kind of situation? I probably could’ve handled the news about her and Dad a bit better, but all thing considered I thought I was doing pretty good just by not screaming my head off. Dad dating anyone was just weird, and it being a younger mare...

Still, it’s not like she did anything wrong, technically speaking. And I had promised Dad that I would at least try to get along with her. “Hey.”

Keyword: Try.

“Hi,” she answered, before blinking and changing it to, “Er, hey. Hello?”

Well, that was a promising start. “Hey,” I said again. Might as well stay inside my comfort zone.

Her ears drooped, and her hoof rubbed her other elbow. Maybe she’d been hoping that I’d come up with something to say. Too bad there wasn’t anything I wanted to talk to her about. Not like I wanted an update on her relationship with my dad, and the only other thing we had in common was going to school together. Which just made the fact that she was dating my dad worse.

Once it was clear I wasn’t going to be doing anything, she made a valiant effort to start a conversation. “Um, how’re...”

“Good,” I murmured. “You?”

“Also good,” she answered with a painfully forced smile.

“Cool.”

Neither of us said anything for a while, unless you count Twinkleshine coughing. It could’ve been an attempt at some form of communication.

Desperate to escape, I pointed down the corridor. “Um, I should...”

“Oh.” She honestly looked a bit relieved. “Okay.” She pointed in the opposite direction. “Um, I’ve also...”

“Gotcha.” I took a few steps. “So ... yeah.”

“Yeah...” she agreed.

We parted ways.

“Glad that wasn’t awkward or anything,” I murmured to myself once she was safely out of earshot.

Thankfully, I didn’t run into any other problems before the search of the palace turned up Storm and Twilight, hard at work in one of the bedrooms. Alas, their work was hardly scandalous or something I could have some fun with. Judging by the armor stand Storm was setting up in the corner and the opera records Twilight was busy alphabetizing, I was willing to bet they were setting up Storm’s new bedroom.

I trotted on in, waving. “Hey, you two. Good news, Twilight: I'm gonna tell Storm.”

Twilight turned to me with a strained smile. “Tell her what? Some form of big news? That would be something to expect. I’m just glad I didn’t get in the family way—I mean, get in the way of family. Silly malapropisms. I must’ve gotten knocked up the head to be doing them so often.”

I couldn’t help but stare at Twilight as she stood there, a huge grin on her face and one eye twitching madly. Note to self: never ask Twilight to keep a secret again.

Before I could spill the beans, Star nudged me aside to make room in the doorway, trotting in and carrying a bunch of old family photos. “Who’s telling who what now?” She shot a look at Twilight, then sighed. “Does it have something to do with why the Princess keeps acting weird?”

“The last few days have been rather stressful for Her Highness,” Storm answered primly. “It is entirely understandable that she would be a touch ... out of sorts.”

Star shot her sister a flat look. “She keeps getting a crazy look in her eyes and working pregnancy metaphors into every sentence. That’s not normal.” Her eyes widened slightly and she looked between Storm and Twilight. “Wait, don’t tell me you two...”

“No,” I cut in before Star could start teasing Storm. While I normally wouldn’t have minded sitting back and watching the fireworks, I did want to get my big news out there. “It's...” I took a deep breath. Well, now or never. Here goes. “I'm pregnant. I asked Twi to let me give you the—”

“You’re pregnant?!” The rest of my sentence vanished in a high-pitched squeal from Star. “You’re gonna have a baby! I'm gonna be an aunt!”

Storm’s traditional Kicker stoicism cracked, and she beamed at me. “You are going to have a foal? That is wonderful news!”

“Yeah.” I shuffled in place, running a hoof through my mane. “It's ... yeah.”

Storm didn’t waste any time trotting over and hugging me. “Congratulations, Cloud!”

Star rushed over to join in on the hugging, glomping onto me with so much enthusiasm that she winced after a second and carefully relaxed her grip. She shot me a sheepish smile. “Sorry, excited. Didn’t wanna hug you too hard and...”

Storm’s eyes widened. “Oh Shadow, I sparred with you a week ago! Is the foal okay?! If I had known that you were...”

I rolled my eyes at both of them. “Relax, I’m not that far along. I’ll have to pass on any more spars just to be safe, but as long as neither of you decide to change your name to Stomach Kicker, I should be fine.”

Storm let out a relieved sigh. “Oh thank goodness.”

Star bounced giddily, then glomped onto her sister instead. “We’re gonna be aunts, Storm!”

“Yes, we are,” Storm agreed, hugging her sister back.

Twilight gently cleared her throat. “Well, technically you wouldn’t be aunts. Cloud is your first cousin, not your sister, so her child would be your first cousin once removed.”

Star scoffed and waved a hoof dismissively. “Pfft, details. We're aunts.”

Storm shot a faint scowl at her sister for disagreeing with royalty, but thankfully decided to bury the issue. “What is most important is that we are family.”

“Darn right we're family.” Star leaned down to take a closer look at my belly. “So ... when are you gonna have the kid? And what’s it gonna be?”

“I assume it would be a foal,” I deadpanned. “Unless there’s some very interesting family history I don’t know about.”

Storm ignored my lame joke, her ears perking up. “Oooh, I cannot wait to teach the child to use wingblades! Assuming it would be a pegasus, that is.”

“Or it could be a unicorn!” Star pointed out. “I mean, I’m living proof there’s plenty of unicorn DNA floating around in the Kicker family tree. And if Cloud’s kid is a unicorn, then I could teach it magic!”

Star had a point. Even though Blossom, Eepy and I were all pegasi, the genetics of pony breeds were a bit odd. Especially since Fluttershy had mentioned one of her grandparents was an earth pony, and Blossom ... well, we had no idea what her family background was. There was no guarantee my kid would be born with wings.

Meanwhile, the mention of teaching my possible unicorn kid magic had caught the attention of Celestia’s number one student. “I have a lot of books that would be really useful for teaching Cloud’s child if it’s a unicorn. I could even give it my old school books and notes from when I was learning from Celes...” She trailed off, her eager smile fading into a frown. “Oh wait, I don't have those anymore. Right…”

I extricated myself from my cousins’ grip and trotted over to Twilight, throwing a wing across her shoulders. “You'll get new books, I'm sure. And maybe Celestia kept copies of your old study notes and stuff.”

“Maybe,” Twilight agreed halfheartedly.

“Plus Storm can help you restock,” Star chimed in.

Storm nodded along. “I have been helping Her Highness write up a list of books she wants to order from Canterlot. The new palace does include a very large library, and it seems a pity to leave it unstocked.”

Twilight took a deep breath and seemed to shake off the little funk she’d fallen into, smiling at all of us. “Right, right, I'm working on rebuilding my collection. At least the Ponyville Library didn’t have any irreplaceable books. And I suppose one plus side is that it will be my collection this time, and not just a random assortment of whatever the library has available.”

“And it’s your private library rather than a public one,” I added in, just a bit teasingly. “No more sharing books with ponies who will bend the corners and mess up the pages.”

“Not to mention losing them, or turning them in late, or forgetting to check them out properly, or spilling coffee on them, or dropping them in a toilet, or...” A scowl had been building on her face as she got into the list of various indignities her books had suffered, but she shook her head and dispelled it. “You know, thinking about it, getting a bunch of new books for my own private collection has its upside.”

“Who cares about books?!” Star squealed out, hugging me again. “I'm gonna be an aunt!”

Storm joined in on the fun, bouncing up and down and letting out a high-pitched giggle that was quite at odds with her usual stoic soldier-ness. “I think you mean we are going to be aunts!”

“Still first cousins once removed,” Twilight grumbled softly. “You would only be aunts if one of you has a foal.”

Star rolled her eyes. “Sheesh, princess party pooper, much?”

Unsurprisingly, any criticism aimed at her princess made Storm an unhappy pony. She shot a pointed frown at her little sister. “Her Highness is merely being precise. While I am sure Cloud would not object to us being unofficial aunts, we technically are not.”

“And I’m not trying to spoil the moment,” Twilight offered in her own defense. “It’s not like precisely defining the nature of your familial relationship diminishes the impact of the fact that Cloud is having a foal.”

Star wasn’t about to let a few facts get in the way of a chance to reignite the eternal sibling rivalry. She poked her sister in the side, smirking. “I think you're technically a skunk, so...”

Storm scowled and responded in kind. “And technically you are a stalker.”

“Technically, I bet I could kick your plot in a spar,” Star snapped back.

Storm snorted, one hoof pawing at the floor. “You know I am the better sister in spars. And that is not a technicality.”

“Me beating you up isn't gonna be a technicality either, Skunky!”

I did the only thing I could under the circumstances. I rolled my eyes and murmured under my breath, “Here we go again...”

As my cousins continued their escalating war of words, I noticed Twilight looking between the two of them and chewing on her lower lip. It wasn’t hard to guess that the newly declared princess of friendship saw a budding friendship problem she needed to do something about. I trotted over to nip that in the bud. “Don't worry about them, they do this all the time.”

Twilight frowned skeptically. “It sounds like something I should worry about. They’re already arguing, and it sounds like they’ll be fighting soon.”

I gave her a reassuring pat on the back. “Don't worry, there's a very simple explanation for this.” I paused briefly for dramatic effect, then bluntly informed her, “My cousins are insane.”

Storm glared at her sister and provided ample proof of my statement. “Then I suggest we settle this with actions rather than words.”

Star glowered right back, moving up until she was practically nose to nose with her sister. “Fine! Just name a time and place!”

“Gladly,” Storm agreed, her wings flaring out aggressively. “I see no reason to wait, and there just happens to be a nice flat field behind the palace.”

“Then let’s do this!” Star all but shouted.

“Agreed.” Storm shot right back. “Lucky for you, our new training gear has already been delivered, so there will be no need to hold back.” She turned about and led the way downstairs, pausing just long enough to flick Star’s nose with her tail on the way down.

As Star stomped after her, I turned to Twilight once more. “I probably should've warned you before you got sweet on Storm, but ... yeah. We're all crazy ponies in this family. I guess I figured you already knew. I mean, you know I’m crazy, and by now you’ve figured out that Storm and Star are nuts, too.”

“I suppose I should’ve known ahead of time,” the princess agreed with a chuckle, poking me with one of her wings. “I don’t know why I spend so much time hanging out with you crazy Kickers. And for the record, I’m not sweet on Storm. She’s my bodyguard and my friend, but that’s it.” She sighed and rolled her eyes. “I don’t know why you keep implying we’re engaged in some sort of passionate forbidden love with all kinds of unresolved sexual tension bubbling under the surface.”

“Maybe I just think you two would make a cute couple?” I suggested. “Let’s face it, the princess and her protector falling in love is one of the old classics of romance. And still pretty popular in modern times: just look at your brother and Princess Cadance.”

Twilight let out an annoyed huff. “Shining technically wasn’t her bodyguard before they got married, and just because Cadance married a guardpony doesn’t mean I will, too.”

I smirked and poked her in the chest. “What, are you saying my cousin’s not good enough for you?”

“What? No!” Her cheeks flushed, and she shuffled on her hooves. “That is not what I’m saying! There is nothing wrong with Storm!”

My teasing grin grew all the wider. “So are you saying that she is good enough for you?”

Twilight shot me a flat, faintly annoyed look. “I am saying that a decorated Guard officer who looks like she’ll have a very successful career is a socially acceptable match for a princess. So by that metric, yes—she is good enough for me. But I severely doubt she would ever be interested in me. I mean, I'm hardly a princessly princess, and she has her career to think about and this probably isn't a permanent position for her, and a dozen other problems.” She let out a soft huff. “And it’s not like I’m great at the whole romance thing to start with.”

I hesitated for a moment, shifting my tone from teasing to sympathetic. “Wait, are you saying you'd actually…?”

Her wings twitched nervously. “That I'd what?”

I decided to stop beating around the bush. “You know, be interested in hooking up with her.”

Her eyes dropped down to the floor. “Maybe,” she very softly admitted. “I don't know. I don't want to hurt her, or her career, or do something to make her uncomfortable. And I’m not even sure if I’m actually interested in her, or if I’m just ... well, if I’m just a little lonely, and she’s the pony who happens to be there. My friends are great, but they’re ... I don’t know. I guess I’m just looking for something more than friendship. And like you said, she does spend all her time protecting me and looking out for me. There is something a bit romantic about that, even if I don’t really think I like her that way.”

My ears drooped, and I wrapped a wing around her. “Oh, I didn't ... sorry. I guess I didn’t realize how complicated it all was. Anything I could do to help?”

She nuzzled me, the touch lingering just a bit longer than normal. “I wouldn't want to impose, or put you in a spot. Not with everything you're going through...” Despite her words, there was a faintly hopeful note in her voice—the sort of tone someone uses whenever they say ‘I don’t want to impose’ as an apology for imposing rather than actually meaning it.

I returned the nuzzle and leaned against her, trying to offer a bit of reassuring companionship. “Hey, I can spare a bit of time for you if you need it. I've got a lot going on right now, but I'd still like to help out. It's ... well, solving my own problems seems to be a lot harder than helping other ponies solve theirs.”

She chuckled. “I know the feeling. I've gotten pretty good at solving other ponies' problems, but it's my own that give me trouble. Maybe there's some potential synergy we haven't really looked into yet?” She grasped my hoof and gave it a supportive squeeze.

I grinned and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. “Sounds like a good subject for a research paper sometime. But we probably ought to make sure my crazy cousins aren't actually gonna kill each other this time.”

Her cheeks flushed into that light pink that I’d always found to be absolutely adorable. “I do like research projects, and this one sounds like it could be a lot of fun. But yes, I would really prefer it if Storm and Star didn’t kill one another. That isn’t something I would want to explain to Princess Luna.”

We trotted after my cousins and caught up to them in the main entrance hall of the palace. They’d just finished strapping on the last of the protective padding, and were facing off in a glaring contest. After several seconds, Storm finally broke the silence. “So, do you have a preference for how we should conduct the spar this time?”

Star scoffed. “Standard clan rules are fine by me. I really don’t care, though. I’ll be happy as long as it ends with me kicking your butt.”

“We both know how this is going to end, Star,” Storm declared regally, trotting out into the open field she’d picked for their match. “The same way our spars always end: with you on the ground, tapping out and crying uncle.” She dropped down into a combat stance, flaring out her wings.

“Only in your dreams, Skunky,” Star shot back, matching her. “You know what? I’m gonna enjoy kicking your butt so much, I wanna do it in style. You know, traditional-like.” She started stomping one hoof rhythmically on the ground, and after a few seconds I found myself tapping along with her. I’m a sucker for a good beat. Once she saw me getting into it, Star started the chant.

Hear! Sons of Shadow.
Hear! Daughters too.
The tide of battle washes clean
The warrior brave and true.
We fight, we love, and then we win.
Our lives burn short and bright
For death waits in the shadows
To claim the foes of the light

Storm remained silent until her sister was done, then shot her a flat look. “Breaking out the war chants before a sparring match? Really, Star? Surely even you realize that is a bit too melodramatic.”

Star primly stuck her nose in the air. “Like I said, kicking your butt with style.”

Twilight’s eyes lit up eagerly. “So that was one of your clan’s war chants? I’ve never heard one of them before. Are there more? Has anypony collected all of them? Somepony should catalogue them properly, maybe with some notes about their origins, history, and any changes that have occurred over time...”

Storm ignored her princess’ minor nerdgasm, keeping her attention firmly focused on her opponent. As she slowly advanced on her sister, a tight, challenging grin spread across her face. “I am going to enjoy this.”

Star answered her with a confident smirk. “You enjoy losing? Guess that explains why you keep taking me on!” She didn’t bother dancing around and looking for an opening, but instead charged right in. Maybe she was hoping to catch Storm off-guard, but if so she failed. The two began a furious exchange of blows, with neither seeming to gain an immediate advantage.

Once Star backed off and the two went back to circling and measuring each other, Twilight leaned over to me and murmured, “Are you sure we should let them do this? This doesn’t look like a friendly sparring match—it looks like they’re trying to beat each other to a pulp!”

I chuckled and shook my head. “Nah, I told you, these two are fine. If it was serious, they wouldn’t have stopped to get padding or bothered with all the trash talk. Plus, I’ve got a sneaking suspicion Star provoked her on purpose to help her out.”

Twilight frowned at me. “Help Storm? How is getting her mad and starting a fight with her helping? That’s the opposite of help!”

I took a moment to think of the best way to explain some of our weird warrior clan traditions to a slightly sheltered bookworm. “It’s ... well, Storm lost her first real, serious fight when she went up against Tirek.” I held up a hoof to forestall Twilight’s inevitable objection. “Yeah, she did great for a normal pony taking on a monster like that, but she still lost. That’s the kind of thing that can bother some ponies, and start to eat away at their confidence if they stew on it for too long. So Star's giving her a spar to help her work that out, or at least perform a little bit of preventative maintenance.” I shrugged. “One of our weird family things: sometimes when something’s bugging one of your clanmates, you offer a spar and let them land a few hits to work out some of those frustrations.”

Twilight stared at me, her mouth hanging open. “Wait ... are you saying that instead of sitting down and talking about your problems, sometimes members of your family just beat each other up to work out their issues?”

“Pretty much, yeah.”

Twilight groaned and buried her face in her hooves. “You’re all crazy.”

“I did warn you,” I reminded her.

She sighed and shook her head, but I caught her letting out a soft chuckle too. “I suppose you did.” Her eyes darted back to my cousins, and her hooves shuffled uncertainly. “I just ... sparring always makes me a bit nervous.”

“Really? Why?”

“It's too much like fighting, I think,” she answered with a shrug. “I don't know. Maybe I'll grow used to it after a while, but I just never really liked the idea. When I watched you and Storm spar, I was really worried one of you would accidently hurt the other. I don’t think I could ever have that kind of practice fight against one of my friends. Not the way you two fight, or how Star and Storm are going at it right now.”

“Yeah, you're just not a fighting pony, are you?” I thought about just how many potentially Equestria-destroying evils Twilight had taken down and revised my statement. “Don't take that the wrong way. I know you can kick flank when you need to. It's just you don't like it. You do it because you have to, because your friends are in danger or Equestria would be in peril if you didn’t. But you just don’t have that ... natural aggression, I guess.”

She thought it over for a bit, then slowly nodded. “I can't really get why anyone would enjoy it. I don’t really understand how you and Storm can ... well, I understand you doing it for practice, and to keep your skills sharp. But there’s more to it than that.” She pointed towards my cousins. “Look at them. They’re smiling. While they’re trying to hurt each other. It just doesn’t make any sense to me. It’s hard for me to shoot a basic offense spell without wanting to close my eyes, but those two are sisters, and they’re punching and kicking each other and enjoying it.”

“Oh.” A part of me couldn’t help but think that Twilight would understand that impulse a lot better if she’d grown up with an annoying little sister or overbearing big one. Sure, she’d had Shining Armor, but big brothers and little sisters got along a bit differently. However, there was a lot more to it than sibling dynamics. “It’s ... well it’s really just like any competitive thing. It’s the same as when Applejack and Rainbow get into their silly contests over who’s braver or more athletic. Except, you know, more violent.”

“But the violence is the part that bothers me,” Twilight pointed out.

“That’s a bit of an issue.” I thought it over for a bit, then tried to explain. “I guess ... I guess when you grow up in a military family and go through all the Guard training, that kind of thing just bothers you less. My parents started giving me sparring lessons back when I was still a kid. I helped train Star and Storm, and I’ve been giving Alula a few lessons whenever I get the time. It seemed like the normal thing to me. As long as you follow the rules, it’s just another game.”

I thought back to the invasion of Canterlot when I’d helped my clan face off against an army of changelings. “You know, even when I got into a real, life-or-death battle, I kind of enjoyed it a little bit.” I hastily tried to find a way to make that sound less messed up. “I mean, I was scared out of my wits, terrified I’d screw up and get ponies I cared about or myself killed, and all that. But ... it was kind of exciting, too. Knowing how much was hanging on the line, how much every decision mattered, and that I was one mistake away from utter doom ... in a weird sort of way, I’d never felt more alive.”

Twilight nodded very slowly. “I ... think I understand what you mean. Whenever things go completely crazy and I’m trying to stop a spirit of chaos or a mad alicorn, I’m usually either scared out of my wits or angry and determined not to lose. But once it’s all over, it does feel a bit weird to just go back to normal life. One day I’m saving Equestria, then the next it’s back to the libra—” She cut herself off, shooting a look towards her new palace. “Well, it was that way. Now it’s ... I don’t even know.”

I wrapped a wing around her, just trying to comfort her with my presence. I didn’t say anything, mostly because everything I could think of saying just sounded stupid. Losing your home was the kind of thing that was gonna hurt no matter what, and me spouting out some canned words about how things would get better eventually wouldn’t fix that.

Twilight didn’t say anything for quite a while, just watching Star and Storm with a worried frown. “I hope you don’t mind me saying, but I still think fighting to solve your problems is a weird thing to do.”

“Nothing wrong with that,” I reassured her.

She chuckled softly. “You really think so?”

“Yeah, I do.” I leaned over and nuzzled her. “The world has enough crazy Kickers already. We need some normal ponies to keep us grounded.”

Twilight nuzzled me back, leaning against me. “Oh, you're not all that bad.”

I pointed out to the impromptu sparring field. “See my cousins trying to beat the tar out of each other as a form of therapy? They're the normal ones in the family.” One of my hooves drifted downwards, coming to rest over my belly. “I guess I'll be adding one more crazy Kicker to the world sometime soon. Pretty nuts, huh?”

“There are crazier things you could do,” Twilight pointed out. “I mean, Storm and I both fought a monster with demigod-like powers not too long ago. And I’m living in a giant crystal palace that grew out of a weird crystal thing we unlocked with keys made of random items given to us by a bunch of random ponies and a draconequus. Compared to everything I’ve been through lately, what you're doing is downright normal.”

“Point.” I thought about that for a bit. “Our lives are weird.”

“You're telling me.” She sighed, her eyes drifting back to the palace. “Makes me wonder what will come up next.”

I grinned and scooted a bit closer to her. “Well ... I have a few ideas on that front.” I idly traced a wingtip down her side. “Some very fun ideas.”

Twilight answered with a playful swat, but she didn’t object to the touch or move away. “I swear, you have a one-track mind...”

“But it’s such a fun track,” I shot back with a grin.

I shifted my attention back to the spar, just in time to see Storm looking at us. She had obviously noticed me getting very comfortable with her princess, and judging by the faint frown on her face she wasn’t happy about it. Unfortunately for my cousin, she’d forgotten rule number one of sparring: never take your eyes off your opponent. A lesson Star rather pointedly reminded her of by ringing her bells with a one-two punch.

“Gotcha!” Star crowed, pumping her hooves triumphantly. After a couple seconds, her grin faded slightly. “You okay? I didn’t hit you too hard, did I?”

Storm shook her head, and then her eyes narrowed. “I am fine. You, on the other hoof...” She closed in on her sister hard and fast, earning a startled yelp from Star as she frantically scrambled to block all the incoming attacks.

I decided to file away Storm’s reaction to the sight of me getting cozy with Twilight for future reference, and gave the princess a little nudge. “So ... you wanna bet on Storm?”

Twilight grinned back. “She is my bodyguard. Head of my bodyguard. Both, technically. I suppose I really should support her, even if I’m not wild about her sparring with Star in the first place.”

Before I could work out any details for the bet, Storm dropped low and swept Star’s forelegs out from underneath her. Before my youngest cousin could recover, Storm followed that up by slamming her shoulder into Star’s chest, bowling her over.

“Looks like it's a good thing I didn't make that a literal bet,” I murmured. “Storm’s got this one in the bag.” There are exceptions to every rule, but most of the time getting knocked off your hooves is a huge disadvantage.

Storm proved exactly why that was a second later, grabbing one of Star’s forelegs and trapping it in a basic leg bar hold. One of the simplest holds around, but a very effective one that was just about impossible to escape if correctly applied. Star put up a few token struggles, but once it was clear Storm had her beat she sighed and reluctantly tapped out.

Twilight shot an uncertain look my way, then murmured. “Um, it wouldn't hurt Star's feelings too much if I cheered for Storm just a little bit, would it?”

I shook my head. “Nah, she knows Storm’s your bodyguard and you two are friends. She’d probably be surprised if you didn’t cheer for her.”

The princess shot me a relieved smile, then turned back to the sparring field. “Way to go, Storm! You did a great job!”

My cousin cleared her throat, then offered a short bow to her princess. “Thank you, Highness.” She stepped over to the two of us, raising a single dignified eyebrow at how cozy I’d gotten with Twilight. “Enjoying yourself there, Cloud?”

“Yup,” I replied without an ounce of shame. If Twilight and I wanted to cuddle, Storm would just have to deal with it. “Nice job on the spar.”

Star trotted up, slightly favoring the foreleg Star had trapped in the lock and pausing every few steps to stretch it out. “Yeah, good job ... for a skunk.”

Storm shifted her attention to her sister, smirking slightly. “I told you I would beat you.”

“Guess you were right.” Star let that sit for a moment, then her eyes narrowed. “This time. But I was going easy on you, because of what happened when you fought Tirek. Next time...” She let that threat hang in the air for just long enough to make it clear that she wasn’t giving up on the eternal war of sibling rivalry, then slapped her sister on the back. “Still, good job. No wonder you’re the heir to the clan.”

Storm’s eyes cut to me before she carefully replied. “It is a great honor.”

Oooh. Star just had to bring up that issue. I could see how Storm’s eyes were still lingering on me, waiting to see how I’d react. Considering that, I knew the only option was to be an adult about it. After all, I’d known for a long time that I would be a terrible clan leader. The clan didn’t want me running things, and I didn’t really want to run things. I was happier here in Ponyville, taking care of myself and living my own life. If Storm wanted to run the clan, she was welcome to it.

I took a deep breath. “Yeah. Congratulations, Storm.”

A barely noticeable hint of tension left my cousin’s shoulders. “Thank you. It is very nice to have your support.”

“It's a pretty big deal,” Twilight agreed eagerly. “I mean, nopony has worn Shadow's Armor in nearly two hundred years. This is historically significant. Not to mention Celestia and Tornado have agreed to let Storm keep the armor now that it’s bonded to her.” A particularly eager light entered Twilight’s eyes. “Which means I’ll have plenty of time to study it, and interact with the armor’s controlling intelligence. Maybe I could even write a book about it!”

“I was only doing my duty when I used the Armor,” Storm murmured humbly. “To be honest, I am still a bit surprised Shadow accepted me.”

“My big sis,” Star declared with unusual pride, giving her a pat on the back. “Just remember: no matter how amazing you are, you’ll always be my skunky.”

“As if you would let me forget it,” Storm shot back with a dry smile. “But yes, we have been blessed with quite a bit of good news as of late.”

“Yeah.” My hoof unconsciously drifted back to my belly. “I guess we have.”

“Yup.” Star shot Twilight a cheeky grin. “And I don't care what the technicalities say, I'm still gonna be Aunt Star.”

Storm nodded, then turned to me. “If you need anything, we will be there for you. I ... this news does make me glad I am posted in Ponyville. You should have family nearby during this.”

“Yeah, it’ll be nice,” I agreed. Sure, things might be a bit odd between me and Storm right now, but she was still my cousin. That was the most important thing.

Twilight spoke up. “If you need anything at all, don’t hesitate to let me know. Really, I’d be more than happy to do anything to help. I already made sure my shipment of books will include a few about pregnancy, and I’d be more than happy to let you borrow them.”

“Thanks, Twilight.” I smiled and nuzzled her again, ignoring the grumpy frown that provoked from Storm. “Really, you've been a great friend about all this.”

Twilight answered with a sheepish smile. “Well, I am the Princess of Friendship. Being a great friend is really just me doing my job. And having a foal is a really big deal.”

I smirked and gave her a teasing nudge. “Just be careful, or Rainbow might think you’re competing against her for the honor of becoming my kid’s godmother.” Actually, a princess probably would be a good choice. Of course, then I would have to put up with Rainbow’s pouting for the rest of my life. Or at least until I had another kid and made her the godmother to that one.

No, even then she’d probably still be annoyed that she hadn’t been my first choice.

I put thoughts of Rainbow aside for the moment and decided it was time to put things on an appropriately happy note. “Alright, everypony come in for a group hug!”

“Sounds good to me.” Twilight declared before hugging me. Star wasted no time joining in, but Storm hesitated. The princess rolled her eyes. “Yes, Storm. You have my permission to hug me. You really don’t need to ask, you know.”

With permission granted, Storm joined in on the group hug.

Since I was in a pretty good mood after giving my cousins the big news, I decided to finish sharing the word. Sure, my family all knew, but I hadn’t told all of my friends yet. Plus, I could get a little advice on one or two other issues from a self-proclaimed expert.

Thus, I headed to LyraBon Central. Or whatever Lyra and Bon Bon called their house, assuming they called it anything other than ‘home.’ Bon Bon answered the door, greeting me with a pleasant smile. “Hey, Cloud. Haven’t seen you since ... well, the bunker. Nice to see you under better circumstances. How’ve you been?”

“Good to see you too, Bons.” I gave her a quick nuzzle. “As for how I’ve been ... well that’s a question with a long, complicated answer. Got a bit?”

“Always.” She stepped aside, welcoming me in. “And in case you wonder what that smell is, I just finished making some bonbons.” She shot me a wry grin. “And yes, you can have some. But only if you don’t make any terrible jokes about the candy’s name.”

“Would I do that?” Normally I might have been tempted, but I certainly wasn’t going to risk being denied any of Bon Bon’s sweets. “Is your mintier half around too?”

“Yeah, I'll go grab her. She was just going over some of her music sheets, I think.” She paused, then raised her voice slightly. “Unless she’s trying to steal some of my mint bonbons while my back’s turned, but I know she wouldn’t do that.” A second later there was a loud thump from the kitchen, and Bon Bon’s eyes narrowed. “Take a seat on the couch. I’ll be back in just a minute.”

I settled down on the couch, politely ignoring the sound of Bon Bon applying a wooden spoon to the head of a certain harp-flanked unicorn. A second later Lyra whined out from the kitchen. “There was a squirrel! I was fending it off, and the candy fell into my mouth!” A rather pointed silence followed, and I could just imagine Bon Bon’s unimpressed glower. Lyra tried to wriggle her way out of trouble. “Because ... the squirrel put it there! It's poisoned! Uuugh, I don't feel so good, oh no ... blargh...”

“Lyra,” Bon Bon grumbled. “The window's closed.”

“No wonder it managed to sneak in!” Lyra exclaimed. “The squirrels have figured out how to open and close windows!” Another pointed silence followed, and Lyra sighed and whined. “You know, making mint-filled candies when you know I’m in the house is pretty much entrapment. So if you think about it, it’s as much your fault as mine.”

I couldn’t help chuckling at the comedy duo, which apparently reminded them both that they had company. Lyra trotted out, smirking proudly despite the spoon-shaped welt on her head. “Hey, Cloud. This is a nice surprise.”

“Hey, Harpbutt.” I casually waved to her. “Wish I could say this was just a social call, but ... I got some problems.”

Lyra’s eyes widened, and she quickly trotted over to take a seat next to me. “Problems? What kind of problems? How can I help?”

I took a deep breath. “Well, let's start with the doozy. I'm ... pregnant.”

Lyra stared at for several seconds, then did the most unexpected thing. She let out a loud snort. “Nice one, Cloud! You really had me going there for a minute...”

“This isn't a prank, Lyra,” I grumbled.

“Come on!” She lightly hoofed me in the shoulder. “I know you have a great poker face, but you didn’t really think I’d—”

“Lyra,” Bon Bon cut in. “She's serious.”

Lyra blinked several times, looking back and forth between the two of us. Slowly the truth sank in. “Oh.” Her eyes went wide as dinner plates. “You’re ... seriously?” I nodded. “Whoa. That’s ... whoa. Um ... well I feel like an arse now.”

“It’s fine,” I murmured.

Bon Bon sighed and shook her head at her minty marefriend, then focused her attention on me. “Since you’re saying that since this is a ‘problem’ ... well, I don't want to make assumptions but I'm guessing this was a surprise to you as well.”

“It was a pretty big one for me, yeah.” I sighed and ran a hoof through my mane. “I mean, things were really good with Blossom and Eepy, but that didn’t mean I wanted ... well, this. And now it’s all gotten a lot more complicated, because adding a kid always makes things more complicated. And I don’t like complicated.”

Lyra nodded understandingly. “You did always like to keep things simple. ‘S why most of your relationships could be summed up as ‘We have fun sex together.’” She shot me a cheeky grin. “Us included.”

“Exactly,” I agreed, giving her a halfhearted teasing nudge. “So ... well, I’m in a bit of a spot right now, and you two are the best friends I have who’re in a long-term relationship. Figured maybe I could ask you guys for some tips.”

Bon Bon settled in on my other side. “Ah, so you wanted advice from our self-proclaimed resident love doctor?”

“And you too, Candy-Flank.” I poked her right in said flank. “I know who runs the show here.”

She chuckled and nodded. “Right. Somepony has to keep Lyra grounded.”

“Bonnie!” Lyra whined, pouting adorably. “Just because I’m an incurable romantic doesn’t mean I walk around with my head in the clouds all the time. Just often. As for advice ... gimme a bit. I’m still a little dumbstruck by the fact that Cloud got pregnant.”

Bon Bon rolled her eyes. “She's just a pony, Lyra. Not a sex goddess.” I knew a few ponies who would argue that point, but this really wasn’t the time to bring that fact up. “And right now she needs our help,” Bon Bon continued, “So get your mind in gear.”

“Okay, okay...” Lyra vigorously shook her head, then took a couple deep breaths. “This is crazy, but okay. What's the situation so far with your relationship?”

“It's ... messy,” I summarized. “The m-word came up, and I didn't exactly handle it well.”

“How long ago did that happen?” Bon Bon asked. “If the talk ended badly, it’s important to patch things up before it has time to fester.” She paused, then amended, “As long as you can actually patch it up, mind you.”

“It was yesterday,” I murmured.

Bon Bon nodded. “Not too long, at least. Who brought it up, and why? Was it just one of them, or did they both raise the subject as a joint initiative?”

I thought back. It was hard to believe it had just been yesterday. It felt so much ... bigger than that. “Blossom was the first one to suggest it, but they both seemed pretty into it. As for why, well I figure that’s obvious. They wanna marry me because of the foal. You know, the whole ‘Make sure we have a stable family together’ thing.” I paused, tapping my chin and frowning thoughtfully. “Well, if I'm honest, I suspect they were already thinking about it before, and the pregnancy is just what pushed them into asking. At least, I know Blossom was dropping some hints about how we should move in together. Plus I doubt Fluttershy would’ve been so pumped about the idea of marrying me unless she’d already been thinking about it.”

Lyra scowled disapprovingly. “And they thought they could just drop this on you, when you already had the news of a foal to deal with? That's...” She spent awhile searching for the right word before snorting and declaring. “Kinda selfish, actually.”

While a part me thought she had a point, I felt compelled to speak of up Eepy and Blossom’s defense. “I don't think they meant it that way.”

“Neither do I,” Bon Bon chimed in.

“Me either,” Lyra agreed. “They were probably telling themselves it was all about taking care of Cloud and the foal. But that doesn’t change the fact that a part of them brought up the marriage thing because it’s something they wanted.” She chuckled and shook her head. “Just goes to show, love makes fools of us all.”

“I know.” Bon Bon smirked at her. “I'm looking at one right now.”

“Hey!” Lyra gave her marefriend a playful little whap. “Cheeky. You see what I have to put up with, Cloud?” She shook her head, and her smile faded. “Point is, they should’ve thought about whether you were ready before they brought it up.”

“It would've been nice to not get hit by surprise with it in the middle of all this,” I agreed.

“They were probably just trying to reassure Cloud that they’d be there for her,” Bon Bon pointed out. “Raising a foal is a pretty huge commitment. Cloud’s going to be a mother for the rest of her life. I imagine they were just trying to say that they would be there for Cloud and the child. After all, that is the entire point of marriage, traditionally.” She shot me a rather pointed look. “If it was Blossomforth or Fluttershy who was pregnant, wouldn’t you want to do the same thing?”

“Well yeah,” I confessed. “But...”

“But you don't always need marriage for those kind of things,” Lyra finished for me. “I mean, we’ll be there to help Cloud and her kid out if she needs it, but that doesn’t mean I’m planning to march her up the altar. And ... well, divorces are a thing. Way I figure it, if they’re gonna support Cloud and help with the kid, it’s either gonna happen or it won’t. A wedding won’t change that.” Lyra nodded to herself, seeming to pick up some steam now that she was working out exactly what she wanted to say. “To put it simply, marriage is just an agreement between two lovers with a lot of formal ceremony attached. Not everypony marries and not even I think it's required for a loving relationship. Besides, you’ve already got proof of your love for each other.”

“Yeah, that's true.” I sighed, slumping down into the couch. “But they wanna get married. And I'm ... I dunno. I mean, yeah, I got a little freaked out when they sprang it on me right then and there, but it’s ... I dunno.”

“What’s the problem?” Bon Bon asked gently, placing a hoof on my shoulder. “What’s making it so hard to figure out how you feel?”

“The kid's a big enough change on its own,” I mumbled. “Anything past that is just ... it’s more than I wanna deal with right now.”

“So you do want to get married someday?” Bon Bon probed.

“Maybe?” I shrugged helplessly. “I dunno. It’s not like I’m some anti-marriage crusader who hates the idea or anything.”

“I hear a 'but' in there.” Lyra wrapped her forelegs around me. “C’mon Cloud, spill. What else is there going through that head of yours?”

“I don't really wanna do the whole marriage thing right now,” I repeated. “But ... well, Blossom and Eepy seem to really like the idea. And I want them to be happy.”

Lyra sighed, rubbing her forehead. “Cloud, don’t take this the wrong way, but sometimes you can be a real doormat in your relationships.” She held up a hoof to forestall my inevitable objection. “Think about where things went wrong between you and Derpy. She kept pushing things to places you weren’t comfortable with, and you never stood your ground. You didn’t want to cause problems or get into an argument, so you just tried to go along with what she wanted until it got to be too much and everything exploded. And now you’re starting to make the exact same mistake again. Tell me, what exactly did you do when they brought up the idea of getting married?”

I shuffled my hooves, looking down at the carpet as my cheeks flushed. “I ... said I had to go to the bathroom, then slipped out the bathroom window and ran for it.”

“Oh, Cloudy...” She gripped me by the shoulders and looked me in the eye. “Sweetie, it’s okay to just tell them ‘No, I don’t want to get married right now.’ If they love you half as much as I think they do, they’ll understand and find some way to make it work. Maybe they’ll be a little disappointed, but they probably wouldn’t be half as upset as they were when they found out you ran away instead of talking to them.”

“I guess,” I mumbled sheepishly.

“That’s always been your problem, Cloud,” Lyra continued. “Look, I don’t mind helping you out, but this is really something you need to talk to them about. Your friends can give you advice, but you’re never gonna solve your relationship issues by talking to everypony except the two mares you’re in a relationship with. You’re so scared of hurting their feelings or starting an argument that you’re shutting them out, and that’s not a solution at all. In fact, it’s just going to end up making things worse.”

“I’m sure you could work out a reasonable compromise,” Bon Bon suggested. “That is an important part of relationships. Now, if the main reason they want to marry you is because they want to support you and the foal, perhaps you could just start living together and put the marriage issue aside? That way they can be there for you, and you aren’t pushed too far out of your comfort zone.”

I took a deep breath and thought it over. “I guess that'd be okay with me. I mean, it’s still a big change, but ... well, it’s one I can’t argue with as much. I mean, I probably am gonna need help once I get further along with the whole pregnancy thing. And once the kid’s born ... yeah. I helped Derpy out some back when she had Dinky, and every time I showed up to help out she couldn’t stop thanking me. If having a kid is half as much work as I think it is, having a couple extra sets of hooves would make my life a lot easier.”

“And if you’re having a bit of trouble with the adjustment, you could always work out some sort of safe space for yourself,” Lyra chimed in. “You have plenty of friends who wouldn’t mind letting you stay with them for a night or two if you need some time away from it all. Like us. Or Rainbow Dash. Or us. Or Derpy. Or us. Or Princess Twilight. Or us.”

I chuckled and shook my head and Lyra’s unique brand of anti-subtlety. “Thanks for the offer, I’ll keep it in mind. And ... thanks for the talk, and the suggestions.” I shifted uncertainly on the couch. “You really think Blossom and Eepy would be okay with that?”

“It might take some convincing,” Lyra admitted, “but they should be okay with it.” A frown flickered across her face. “If they’re not ... well, in that case I think there are some real problems you guys would need to work out. And if they give you any grief to try to bully or guilt you into giving in, I'll give them a right piece of my mind.”

“I’ll help,” Bon Bon agreed. “Though honestly, I’d be pretty shocked if it came to that.”

“Yeah.” I wrapped my wings around both of them. “Thanks, gals.”

Bon Bon smiled and hugged me. “It was nothing, really.”

Lyra glomped onto me, though she was careful to keep her hooves above my belly. “Happy to help!” She levitated one of the candies she’d stolen from the kitchen. “How about some mint for luck? Being minty fresh will make everything you do ten times more effective.”

Bons smirked and rolled her eyes. “Sure it does. That’s why you got smacked upside the head when I caught you.”

Lyra grinned shamelessly. “In my defense, your candies are so good that a couple smacks on the head is a small price to pay for getting them.”

I took the chocolate-coated mint. “I don’t know if I buy Lyra’s philosophy that mints make everything better, but I'll take whatever help I can get.” I wolfed it down. Lyra was right, they were really good.

Bon Bon gave me a smile and reassuring pat on the back. “Good luck, Cloud. We're rooting for you.”

“Nice to know somepony is,” I answered.

Lyra chuckled and ruffled my mane. “Quit feeling sorry for yourself and go be your lovely, amazing self. Go out there and kick butt. You know, relationship butt. And by kicking it, I mean fix it all up so everypony’s nice and happy.”

I got up from the couch, grinning at her. “I have no idea what you just said, Harpflank, but I’ll do my best to sort things out with Blossom and Eepy.” Feeling a lot better about my chances than I had before my visit to the collective wisdom of the LyraBon, I headed out the door.

Author's Note

As always, thanks to my pre-reading and editing team for all their hard work. Also, I would like to thank all my dedicated Patreon supporters. You guys are awesome.

Click here if you want to join the list of awesome people who support my writing.

Aaron Kevin Meighen
Aidan Hall
Batbrony
Benjamin McLaren
Borg Lord
Brion Wauters
Chris Hall
Christopher A Cope
Combine
Comma-Kazie
Creideiki
Cyanhyde
DaB.
Darkarma
Deep Cover
Dixie Daley
djthomp
Edmon Star
Emlyn Costilow
FallenAngelXy
Forderz
Jack
Jade Walters
James Miller
Jessica T
Justin Emery
Karl Bragisen
MoistGooDragon
Patrick
Ponibius
Renny Rabbit
Singularity Dream
Stephen
Steven Ilten
Super Trampoline
Sweet Gale
TheAccidentalBrony
Trinary
waritah
Zennyth

Totally Not Procrastinating

I was feeling a lot better after my talk with Lyra, but I wasn’t quite ready to face Eepy and Blossom. Or maybe I was just procrastinating. Lyra definitely had a point about my tendency to try and avoid confrontations. At least I’d graduated from trying to avoid the issue completely to just putting it off until later. That was progress, right?

Besides, it would be good to give everypony a bit longer to cool down so we could all approach the issue rationally. Yeah, that sounded like a good excuse. No, not excuse; a reason. A perfectly reasonable reason that wasn’t just a flimsy justification for my perpetual inability to confront my own problems.

So instead of meeting up with the mares who put a foal in me, I trotted over to Derpy’s. After all, I hadn’t seen her for a couple days, and it would be good to check in with her. Plus, getting another pony’s take on the whole situation wouldn’t hurt.

I rapped on her heavily reinforced front door, and Sparkler answered it with a smile. “Hey, Momma. C'mon in.”

“Hey, Sparky-spark.” She held the door open for me, and I slipped inside. “Your mom around? Wanted to talk her ear off for a bit.”

Derpy poked her head in from the living room. “Right here. Though try not to talk my ears off, I might need them later.”

“Hey, Bubbabum.” I headed into the living room, marveling at the fact that they’d already fixed all the damage from Derpy’s little mishap the other day. “Hope you don’t mind me dropping by out of the blue.”

“I’m pretty sure I’ve told you that you’re welcome whenever you want to visit,” Derpy reassured me. “Especially in light of the current circumstances. If you need to talk, I’m here for you.” She trotted over to Sparkler and gave her a quick nuzzle. “Think you can keep Dinky out of trouble for a bit?”

Sparkler answered with an impish grin. “Either that, or I'll help her get into it. It's fifty-fifty at this point. But either way, we’ll be out of your mane when we get up to it.”

I chuckled and rolled my eyes, giving Sparkler a playful little swat with my wing. “Go find my cousin. At least that way you two will be too busy smooching to get into any mischief. And Dinky can play with Alula while you two are occupied.” I thought about it a moment, then added, “Besides, she got her butt kicked sparring with Storm earlier. She could probably use a little bit of consolation time from you.”

Sparkler winced sympathetically. “Oof, she always hates losing a round of the eternal sibling rivalry. She'll probably be sore after that. And in need of some cheering up.” She grinned, tapping her lips thoughtfully. “And I know just what to do to put a smile back on her face. Lemme just go get Dinky, and...” she trotted off, humming softly to herself.

Once Sparkler was safely out of earshot, Derpy turned to me with a half-smile. “Well, I can’t exactly say I’m wild about you encouraging my daughter to go out and have premarital sex, but I suppose we both know she would regardless of what you say. And it will keep her out of my mane until tomorrow afternoon.”

I raised an eyebrow at that last bit. “Getting a little Sparkler overdosed? She did seem to be in a pretty snarky mood. Granted, she’s a teenager, so her being a smartflank pretty much happens all the time she’s awake.”

Derpy snickered and nodded in agreement. “I’m used to it. As for being overdosed ... well, it’s the opposite problem, actually.” She sighed, shutting the living room door to make sure we would have some privacy. “It's—she got a letter from Canterlot earlier from ... Her. It's a little easier to process that when Sparkler's not around.”

I had a pretty good idea who the ‘Her’ was, but... “Mind clarifying that pronoun for me? I’d hate to start giving you all kinds of sage advice only to find out it's for the wrong ‘Her.’”

That earned me a halfhearted chuckle from Derpy. “Right, sorry. I should clarify before you go off on a tangent. She got a letter from her—her...” Derpy took a deep breath, then finally spit it out. “From her birth mother. Duchess Sparkle.”

“Oh.” I’d missed the initial fireworks when it came out that Sparkler was actually Twilight’s half-sister, given up for adoption on account of the ‘half’ part. Apparently there’d been some sort of political reasons why it would’ve been very bad for Twilight’s mother to have a child that hadn’t come from her husband. What made it extra-messy was that since her pregnancy had been public knowledge, they tried to cover up the sudden disappearance of her newborn by claiming it had been a stillbirth. Twilight had not been happy to find out that her parents had lied to her about that.

It had been two years since the truth had come out, and as far as I knew the Sparkles and Doos had given each other space since then, slowly feeling things out. Relations between an adopted family and a biological one were always going to be tricky, and all the baggage attached to Sparkler’s case made it even moreso. If her biological mother was reaching out to her now... “That sounds potentially very complicated. What'd the letter say?”

Derpy slumped down into her sofa. “Well, I assume Twilight mentioned to her parents that we’d been looking at several colleges in Canterlot. Among other things, she offered to let Sparkler stay at the manor while she was in Canterlot. Even offered to give her a room of her own. Like...” She waved her hooves, encompassing her entire house. “Like here. A full room just for her, that she could come to and sleep in whenever she wanted. Exactly like what Twilight and Shining Armor have.”

“Oooooh boy.” On the one hoof, it wasn’t exactly shocking that Sparkler’s biological mother would try to reach out to her. Sparkler was going to be spending her college years in Canterlot, and this was a perfect chance for the two of them to reconnect. It probably would’ve been more surprising if her mother hadn’t made some sort of offer.

On the other hoof ... well, I already knew Derpy was worried about Sparkler going off to college. For a mother who was afraid their child was growing up and wouldn’t need them any more, having another mother-figure move in and trying to do motherly things with her child wasn’t going to go over well at all.

Come to think of it, Duchess Sparkle might understand that issue. After all, she had two kids who had grown up and moved out. Maybe she had an empty nest of her own and was hoping to fill it with Sparkler? At the very least, if she and Derpy both had some experience with worrying about their children growing up and moving out, it was common ground. Maybe something I could build on.

Derpy rose up from the couch, pacing around the room like a caged bear. “I mean, it's ... nice of her to think about that, but if Sparkler ends up going to West Hoof she’d be staying in the barracks most of the time. She’d probably want somewhere else to go when she gets time off, but Daddy doesn't live that far from the academy—or Celestia's School, if she decides to go there instead. And it's—I mean, I guess I could—she's not...”

Her furious pacing back and forth led her to the coffee table in front of couch. “Derpy, you might wanna—”

The rest of my warning faded into obsolescence as she smacked her knee against the table. She let out an annoyed hiss of pain, pausing to rub her leg. “Dumb place to put a table. I’ll move it later.” She sighed, her rump hitting the floor heavily. “We both know that she’s offering Sparkler a lot more than just a room, and I don't know what to think about that, Cloud.”

I could hardly disagree with something that obvious. “She's trying to reach out to Sparkler. Trying to be, well, more of a mother to her.”

“Exactly!” Derpy’s leg must have been feeling better, because she got up and started pacing again. “And I want to be okay with that, I really do, but she's...” She trailed off uncertainly, one hoof circling through the air as she struggled to put her thoughts into words. After several seconds she let out an exasperated snort. “It sounds stupid. Forget it. What about you? How are you doing? I bet you’re hungry. You are eating for two now, after all.” She smiled, reaching over to pat my belly.

I had more than enough experience with dodging my own problems to recognize when somepony else was doing it. I wasn’t going to let her get away with using my own tricks against me. “I wouldn't say no to some food. But ... well, you wanna keep talking about this?”

A faint grimace flickered across her lips, but after a couple seconds she slowly nodded. After a quick trip to the kitchen to retrieve a platter of muffins, she sighed and settled down next to me on the couch. “It’s just—I don’t even know how to feel. Maybe I want her to reach out, for their sakes? I mean, I hate to admit it, but early on while I was pregnant I thought about giving Dinky up a few times. I wasn’t sure I was up for being a single mother, and...” Her ears went flat against her skull. “I’m so glad I didn’t do that, but—but if I had, I know I would’ve wanted to meet Dinky when she was older. Reconnect, and see what kind of mare she’d grown up to be.” She grimaced and shook her head, grabbing a muffin and devouring it to fill the silence. “But it's different. She wasn't a single mom, and besides, I’m Sparkler’s mom now. I took care of her for years, gave her a good home after everything she went through. But now her birth mother thinks she can just swoop in and start acting like an actual parent.”

I chowed down on a chocolate cherry almond muffin as I thought over my answer. “So you can sympathize with how she feels, but at the same time you're not exactly happy about how she’s trying to be part of Sparkler’s life again?”

“Exactly!” Derpy groaned, massaging her temple. “Luna, it's been nearly two years since that crazy day and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all. This isn't like when I found out Shining Armor was Dinky’s father. He didn’t even find out until after I did. But with Sparkler and Duchess Velvet... She knew. She knew what she was doing when she gave up her child, and now that she's found Sparkler she wants to try again? Just pretend she didn’t get rid of Sparkler for being politically inconvenient and act like she can be a mother to her? As if none of that ever happened?” The muffin Derpy had been holding crumbled in her grasp as her hooves tightened around it.

I could see that she was getting upset, so I tried to play peacemaker. Or at least some equivalent thereof, given that the mare she was angry at wasn’t even here. “She made a mistake. A pretty massive one. Now she's trying to make things right. We’ve all been there.”

She sighed, putting aside her ruined muffin and replacing it with a fresh one. “I know, I know. We've talked over the years—me and Duchess Velvet. Mostly just sending letters back and forth, but she’s visited a few times too. Not for very long, but long enough for me to get to know her a bit. I can hear how much she hates herself for giving Sparkler away.” Her ears drooped, and her voice fell to an almost guilty whisper. “Part of me hopes that Sparkler turns her down.” She flinched, groaning and burying her head in her hooves. “And as soon I say that, I feel completely awful. It just feels so mean and petty, to want to hurt her just so I won’t be worried about Sparkler.” She growled in frustration, shaking her head. “I don't even know why I think that. I just do.” She swallowed her muffin in a single gulp, trying to find some comfort from her favorite food.

I wrapped a wing around her. “I think I’ve got some idea what’s going on. You're already worried about her growing up, going off to college, and not needing you anymore. And now there's some other mare trying to be a mother to her on top of that.”

“That's ... exactly it, yes.” Derpy nodded, leaning against me. “Give me one or the other and I could manage, but both at the same time is just too much to deal with.” She wrapped her forelegs around me, resting her head on my shoulder. “Am I worrying too much? I want to think I am, but some nagging little voice in the back of my head won't let it go. It keeps saying that if I don’t do something—I don’t know what, but—but if I don’t do it, I’ll lose everything.”

I sighed and rubbed her back. “I have it on good authority that it's a mother's job to worry about her kids. Besides, I don't think Sparkler's ever going to not need you. I mean, you…” I cleared my throat. “You still need your mother, right?”

“Of course,” Derpy answered without a moment’s hesitation. “She’s ... well, she’s Mom. We’ve had some rough patches and arguments, but we always made up later. She’s my mother, and I still love her to death.”

I gave her a prompting little nudge. “What makes you think Sparkler doesn't feel the exact same way about you?”

“Nothing,” Derpy admitted. “And that's just it: you're right, I know you're right, and I know she does. But I still...” She groaned, running a hoof down her face.

“Even though it makes absolutely no logical sense, you're still worried,” I finished for her.

She sighed and nodded. “I told you it would sound stupid.”

“It's not stupid,” I reassured her. “Just ... motherly.”

Derpy thought that over for a bit, then chuckled and absently stroked my belly. “When did you get so smart about that sort of thing?”

I shrugged. “I have been getting lots of mother-related advice lately. Some of it was bound to rub off eventually.” Just to prove I hadn’t gotten too mature, a part of me was terribly tempted to make a joke about ‘rubbing off.’ “Plus ... well, I think with these kinds of problems it’s a lot easier to solve them when you’re looking at them from the outside. It’s hard to look at it all objectively when you’re caught in the middle of it.”

“Point taken.” She sighed, running a hoof through her mane—the hoof holding the muffin she’d just grabbed, which resulted in lots of crumbs getting scattered into her hair. She grumbled softly, trying to brush them out. “I guess I just have to listen to my own advice sometimes.”

“Probably not a bad idea,” I agreed. I pointed to her crumb-filled mane. “Need a hoof with that?”

“I’ve got it.” She cleaned herself up pretty quickly, shooting me a sheepish grin once she was done. “Proof that I’m a bit rattled: I’m wasting perfectly good muffins today.”

I grinned and gave her a teasing poke. “At this rate you’re going to have to bake more.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” Derpy answered with a gluttonous smile. “I could even make you a fresh batch of your favorites to take home.”

I smirked and bapped her nose. “You are an evil, sexy temptress.”

Derpy rolled her eyes and got up from the couch. “None of that, Cloud. Rainbow warned me you might be getting hormonal on us.” She paused, smirking at me. “Though I’m not quite sure how we’ll be able to tell the difference between you riding the hormonal crazy train and you just being your normal wacky self.”

“It’s not that hard,” I explained to her. “If I’m just doing the usual charming flirting, I’m normal. If I’m turning on the charm so hard we wind up in bed together, it’s hormones.”

Derpy snorted. “Cloud, sweetie, even on your best days you’re not quite that irresistible. And take it from me, nopony dealing with pregnancy hormones is at their best. You’re probably going to spend days waddling around moaning about how fat, bloated, and unattractive you feel.”

“Way to shatter my comfortable illusions, Derpy,” I pouted.

“Sorry-ish.” She shot me a teasing grin, which slowly faded as she settled back onto the couch. “So, speaking of mother-related things ... well, there’s something I’d been meaning to ask you. Have you given any thought to godparents?”

“A bit.” I shrugged. “Mostly because Rainbow's let me know she was available for it pretty much as soon as she found out I was gonna have a kid. She also mentioned that Rainbow Dash Jr. would be an awesome name.”

“Oh, Rainbow...” She chuckled and shook her head, but her shoulders sagged slightly. “I should’ve known she’d want it.”

“She does seem to get a real kick out of being Dinky’s godmother,” I agreed. I took a look at the way Derpy’s smile looked just a little bit forced, and put two and two together. “I haven't promised her anything yet, though.”

Derpy’s ears perked up. “You haven't?”

“Nope.” I decided to toss her a lifeline. “So if there was somepony else who wanted it...”

Derpy hesitated a moment, then took the opportunity. “Actually, I would, if it's alright with you. I’m not saying Rainbow wouldn’t be a wonderful godmother—I made her Dinky’s, for goodness sake. Just ... well, I’d like it too.”

I gave her a reassuring smile. “Well, I certainly wouldn't mind it. After all, you’ve been my friend almost as long as Rainbow has.” I paused, keeping my tone light and teasing. “Though it does raise one big question. What do you bring to the table that would be worth putting up with all of Rainbow's pouting if I don't pick her?”

“You should have told me there was an interview,” Derpy shot back with a grin. She leaned back against the couch, thinking over her answer. “For starters, I’ve got plenty of practical mothering experience; I’d be willing to offer short-notice foalsitting practically any time I'm in town, hugs, snuggles, a baby blanket; and, you can borrow Dinky to make puppy eyes at Rainbow any time she pouts too much.”

“Strong points in your favor,” I conceded. “But Dash has awesomeness, coolness, and radicalness on her side.”

“That is true,” Derpy admitted. “Even if I’m still not convinced that those are actually three different things. Alright then, I'll sweeten the deal: all the muffins you can eat.”

“Ooooh.” I was tempted to point out that visiting her house almost always ended with me getting just short of a lethal dose of muffins anyway, but why spoil what was a very entertaining bit of fun? “I admit, that is pretty tempting...”

“And, you can borrow all of the toys and books I still have from when Dinky was young,” Derpy offered. She paused a moment, then shook her head. “Well, no, scratch that—you can borrow them regardless of who winds up being the godmother. The same for foalsitting.”

I nibbled on another muffin and thought it over for a bit. “Well, just like with Rainbow I can't promise anything just yet. After all, I’m still getting used to having a kid at all, let alone worrying about things like godparents. Not to mention Blossom and Fluttershy deserve to have a say in the whole thing. But for what it’s worth, you do make a pretty good case.”

“That's fair enough.” She let out a soft chuckle. “Silly of me to forget that you’re just one of the parents involved in this. So, how's it all coming since you dropped by last time? Sounds like you’ve made up your mind about keeping the foal, at least.”

“Yeah, but...” I sighed and spat out the unpleasant truth. “Well, I had a few complications with Blossom and Eepy. They brought up the M-word.”

“Oooooh dear,” Derpy sighed and shook her head. “Between knowing you and the look on your face, I can guess exactly how well that went. I’d offer to help, but to be honest I’m not sure if there’s anything I can actually do.” She paused, then shot me a faux-suspicious glower. “Unless you came here to elope out of the blue...”

I wasn’t sure if that was a joke, or a rather pointed reminder of how I’d proposed to Fluttershy on the spur of the moment just to try and get out of my relationship problems with Derpy back when we were dating. It was probably better to assume it was a joke. “Sorry, no eloping today. I already got some pretty good advice from Harpbutt on the subject.”

She frowned thoughtfully, then slowly nodded. “It's probably best you went to Lyra; to be honest, I might have a hard time disagreeing with Blossom and Fluttershy.” She held up a hoof to forestall any response from me. “I'm not telling you what to do, so don't think I am. I'm just saying that I can see the appeal of making things official like that.” Her eyes flicked uncertainly to the side. “I know ... I know I would’ve liked to have somepony here while I was raising my girls. If things had worked out differently, maybe...” She sighed, shaking her head. “Nevermind that. No point playing the ‘What if?’ game.”

I nodded along. Derpy’d gone through plenty of rough times on account of being a single mother, so it was no surprise she was sympathetic to Blossom and Eepy’s side of things. Even though the situations weren’t all that similar. “Yeah, it's not like I don't understand why it came up. It’s just not a bridge I'm ready to cross yet.”

Derpy sighed, but slowly nodded. “You already decided to keep the foal, that's a pretty big bridge to cross, and I'm glad you think you're up for it. I suppose I can understand taking things one day at time, but don’t keep them waiting too long.”

“Can do.” I was only procrastinating a little when it came to talking to them. “As for being up for handling the kid ... I sure hope I'm right. Because I can’t stop worrying about what’s going to happen if I screw this up.”

“Welcome to motherhood,” Derpy shot back with a dry smile. “But for what it’s worth, I think you’ll do just fine. After all, you saved me a lot of stress over Sparkler and the Duchess. I don’t think you could’ve done that without having some talent in the motherhood field.”

“Thanks, Bubblebum.” I paused, thinking things over. “Probably ought to have a word with Sparky about that, too. Can’t imagine you’re the only one a bit shaken up over hearing from her birth mother.”

“It probably wouldn’t hurt.” She shot me a rather shaky but mischevious grin. “Though you’ll have to hurry if you want to catch her—it takes a lot to get her away once she's with Star.”

“I've noticed.” Star definitely wouldn’t be happy about me blocking her sexy girlfriend time either. “Guess I better get moving, then.”

“See you later.” Derpy gave me a quick goodbye hug. “Feel free to come back if you need to let me know how things went. Or if you're still hungry.”

I grinned. “I'm a sucker for a free home-cooked meal.”

She smiled right back. “Add that to my list of godmotherly qualifications, then. ”

“Can do.” I trotted out the door and took wing, chasing after Sparkler.

Thankfully, pegasi are just naturally better at getting around than those silly wingless ponies, so I managed to catch up to her pretty quickly. Sparkler and Dinky were both trotting up the path to Twilight’s new palace when I swooped in over their heads and landed in front of them. “Hey, gals.”

“Whoa!” Dinky yelped out in surprise, closing her eyes and bracing herself. When nothing happened after several seconds she slowly opened them, blinking owlishly. “Huh. I didn't get snatched up or hugged. That always happens when Rainbow swoops down on us like that.”

Sparkler’s response was just as startled, but not nearly as funny. “Geez, Momma, you trying to give me a heart attack?!”

“Sorry,” I hadn’t planned on swooping quite that low and scaring them. “I was just trying to catch up to you two before you got to the palace.”

“Well, ya caught us!” Dinky chirped happily before latching onto me with one of her patented adinkable hugs.

“Sure did.” I hugged that enthusiastic little filly right back. “You mind running on ahead? I need to talk to your sister for a bit.”

“What about?” Her ears perked up curiously, no doubt hoping I was about to reveal some juicy secret of her sister’s. However, a second later she thought better of that. “Izzit about cootie stuff I'm too young for?”

After a moment’s consideration, I decided that it would be a lot easier to just go with that than it would be to explain what was really going on. “Yeah, it kinda is about cootie stuff.”

“Oh, brother!” Dinky closed her eyes and stuck out her tongue, gagging dramatically. “See ya, Sparky! See ya, Cloud! I gotta go say hi t'Miss Twilight, ‘cause she's the only one who's not cootified or a brat. Or both, like Sparky!”

Sparkler rolled her eyes, then a particularly mischievous grin split her face. Her horn lit up, and one of my loose feathers tugged itself free and zipped over to Dinky, heading straight for her vulnerable belly. Dinky’s eyes widened as she collapsed to the ground, giggling helplessly. “Gyah! S-Sp-Sparkyyyyyyy!”

Sparkler threw back her head and let out an over-the-top villainous cackle. “Who’s the brat now, Dinky?”

“I'll get you for this!” Dinky squeaked out, gigglingly stumbling away from Sparkler and that tickling feather. She managed to get out of Sparkler’s spell range, and after a moment to catch her breath promptly fled towards the palace.

Sparkler watched her little sister run, snickering all the while. “She can call me a brat all she likes, but she brought that on herself.”

“She was pretty much asking for it,” I agreed. Dinky might be one of the cutest little kids in the world, but she did seem to keep forgetting the sibling pecking order too often for her own good.

Sure, Star was the same way, but she was at least about on par with Storm in terms of age and size. Well okay, she couldn’t compare to Storm’s tall, long-legged build, but she had a bit more bulk to make up for it. Not to mention Star was still about the same size as me. I’m not a giant mass of muscle like Bulk Biceps, but Kickers just seemed to generally be a bit bigger and stronger than the average pony. I guess all those soldier genes bouncing around the family tree gave us predisposition towards that.

“Really, it's her own fault.” Sparkler continued. “I didn’t even want to tickle her, but she left me no choice.” She chuckled to herself, then gave me another hug. “So, that’s my sibling rivalry out of the way. Not as bad as Star and Storm, but give it time. What'd you wanna talk about?”

I wrapped a wing around her. “Right, that. Glad I caught you before you found Star. This could take a bit.”

“Yeah?” She paused a moment, then frowned at me. “You're not about to offer me advice, are you? Because that’d be pretty weird considering I’m hooked up with your cousin. Besides, half the fun of it for us is figuring stuff out on our own.”

I swear, some ponies think my brain is incapable of thinking about anything other than sex. Probably because even I joke about that sometimes. Now wasn’t one of those times, though. “This isn’t about my cousin. It's about your mail.”

“My ma—” Sparkler froze, her cheeks turning bright crimson. “Look, Blossom said you weren’t going to use what was left of that potion, and there wasn’t even that much left anyway. Star and I didn’t even really get to—”

“Mail, Sparkler,” I groaned. “As in your letters.” I paused, then glowered at her. “And what was that about you and Star borrowing one of my potions?”

“Uh, nothing! Just a little misunderstanding.” Sparkler loudly cleared her throat. “So, uh, right. My mail. Guess Mom would need to talk to somepony about that, huh?”

I decided not to pursue the issue of my lost potion. Honestly, if they’d asked me I would’ve been fine with letting them have it as long as I could be sure they’d use it safely. “Yeah. I was thinking that maybe it’s not just Derpy who needs to talk about that.”

“Yeah,” Sparkler grunted out. “Kinda hoping I don’t run into Twilight while I’m looking for Star. That’d be ... it’d be weird. I wasn't expecting that kinda offer from her—from our—from Duchess Velvet. Kinda a big surprise.”

I settled in next to her, not hugging her or anything, but staying in hug range in case she needed it. “How you feeling about what happened?”

Sparkler thought about it for a bit, then shrugged. “Okay, I guess. I mean, s'cool and all that she'd do that for me.”

I suspected her feelings were a lot more complicated than ‘okay’, but I knew I’d have to use a little finesse to get her to open up. Teenagers aren’t so great at talking about their feelings to adults—even cool, understanding ones like me. Hay, sometimes the cool adults are actually harder to talk to, since no kid wants to look silly in front of someone they admire. “Yeah? Glad to hear it. I know Derpy was a bit shaken up.”

“I could tell,” she grumbled. “I could feel her reading it over my shoulder the whole time. It’s—” She grimaced and shook her head, dismissing whatever she’d been about to say.

I nodded understandingly. “I know she’s worried about you too, which is why she asked me to check up on you.”

“Figured.” Sparkler sighed, running a hoof through her mane. “It's ... I guess I'm okay with it all. S'just gonna be weird for a bit, y'know? I mean, if I tried it out. Grandma and Grampa said I could stay with them sometime too, if I wanted. And then I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to be in the dorms or not. I mean, even if I do live on-campus, I still wouldn’t mind having somewhere else to go for a day off or something.” She shrugged. “And, I mean, she is my ... I dunno. Something. Guess it wouldn’t hurt to check it out.”

“So you want to get to know them a bit better?” I gently probed.

“I guess,” Sparkler answered unenthusiastically. “I mean, she's why I'm here. And it sounds like she's been kicking herself for a long time, so I don't think she's playing some kind of angle. So ... yeah, why not give it a shot?”

“Huh.” She obviously wasn’t going to spill unless I pushed a little bit, but if I came at her directly she’d dig her heels in out of simple stubbornness. Fortunately, I am a sneaky social ninja who can apply my silver tongue to more than just making ponies very happy. “Kinda figured you'd have some big, complicated feelings about the whole situation that would require a long, in-depth conversation. But ... well, it sounds like you’ve got it all worked out.”

“Yeah, sure.” She didn’t quite meet my eyes as she answered. “I mean, I've had that conversation with myself pretty much every time I've thought about it for the last two years. Ever since I found out about ... y’know. S’a lot of time to try and figure things out.”

“Yeah, it is.” I gave her a quick pat on the back. “So ... you're good? Ready to go hang out with my cousin and be your usual smartflanked self?”

“I'm okay.” She sighed, shaking her head and snorting. “Honestly, I dunno how I should feel about all this. I mean, I figured I’d feel more—I dunno, something. Surprised? Happy? Indignant? But instead I’m just...” She struggled for words, finally ending with a helpless shrug. “It’s like I’ve got so much going on I can’t even figure out what I’ve got going on.”

Ah, now I was making progress. Apparently she wasn’t so much shutting me out as it was that she didn’t even know how she felt. It’s hard to open up about your emotions when you don’t even know what they are. I tried to look wise and understanding, and probably failed. “Probably a little bit of all of them. Why don't you run me through it all one part at a time?”

“Right.” She took a deep breath. “M'kinda happy, I guess. I mean, s'not like I can't juggle more than one mom as it is. I’ve already got Mom, you, and Rainbow for a godmother. What’s one more? And aside from the ursa in the room, Twilight's never had a bad thing to say about her.” She sighed, running a hoof through her mane. “Y’know, back when I was in the foster care system, I always used to wonder about it. My birth parents. I used to dream they’d come back for me some day—that it was all just some big mix-up, and they really loved me and wanted me back. So finding out that she does care is ... s’nice.”

“But?” I prompted.

“But how ... how…?” She let out a frustrated little growl, struggling to find the words. “How'm I supposed to think about her? Is she gonna want me to call her ‘Mom’? And what about—hay, even if this were a storybook, her husband's not my dad. What are we, Family Lite? Having me around’ll probably make things weird for them too. I mean, I’m living proof his wife loved somepony who isn’t him. And then there’s...” She groaned, burying her head in her hooves. “I mean, it'd be so weird just moving in like it's the Doo Manor. I don't know them, I'd be getting to know them—while going to school, and while getting to know my school, my classmates, my professors and trying out the Guard stuff and everything else. It almost kinda reminds me of going to a new foster home, and I can’t—” She choked and stammered, her shoulders sagging.

I took a deep breath and wrapped a wing around her. “Believe me, I know all about having to deal with too much change at once. It just gets so crazy and overwhelming that you don’t know what to do, so you just try to avoid dealing with it and hope it’ll somehow take care of itself. Hope that maybe if you just ignore it all for a while, it’ll be easier to deal with if you come back to it later. But that kinda never really works, so I guess ... just move at whatever pace you're comfortable with? As long as you actually keep moving, and don’t just use that as an excuse to do nothing.”

“Guess I gotta figure out what pace that is, then.” Sparkler leaned against me. “S’just ... I don't wanna feel like I'm pushing her away, y’know? M’worried that if I’m not ready to try out that room or I don’t call her Mom or—or something, then she’ll think I hate her and don’t want anything to do with her.”

“Lemme give you a little advice I recently got, then.” I silently thanked Lyra for the advice I was borrowing from her. “Once you're in Canterlot, just drop by and visit her. Sit down, talk to her for a bit, and try to get a feel for where things are. I think that as long as you do that, she'll understand if you don't want to rush into things. She knows this is hard on you, and it’s probably really hard on her too. Just tell her how you feel. ‘Cause the one thing that’ll definitely make her feel like she’s getting pushed away is if you avoid her because you’re not sure how to handle things.”

Sparkler blinked, shaking her head. “Well, that was staring me in the face. Good call.” She sighed. “Guess that checks off indignant, too. I mean, I don't think she meant to step on Gramma's hooves by offering me a place to stay. Hay, maybe they even talked about setting up a room for me and I just didn't hear about it yet.”

“Yeah, I doubt she was trying to get in anypony's way,” I agreed. “Unless she’s got a secret ugly side I don’t know about, she understands the Doos are your family and respects that. I think she just wanted to let you know there's an open door waiting for you with the Sparkles if you want it.”

“That makes sense.” She fell silent for a long time, then complained, “It's still gonna be weird.”

“Pretty sure it's gonna be weird no matter what,” I bluntly informed her. “Let’s face it: it’s a pretty weird situation. But it’s never going to stop being weird until you sit down with her and deal with it.”

“Probably not,” she admitted. “And I'm not mad at her anymore. That's a big plus.”

“Yeah, it is.” I gave her a prompting little nudge. “So...”

Her eyes dropped to the ground. “For a while after I found out, I was so damn mad at her. I mean, you wanna talk about stupid reasons to give a foal away, it’s pretty hard to top politics. That hurt. And I wasn’t just mad because of what she did to me, either. There was also the fact that she lied to Twilight and Shining about it. I mean, that’s low.” She grimaced and shook her head. “But that's probably already coming down on her head. I know Twilight was real mad when she found out, and I can’t imagine Shining took it any better. And—and I don't want to hate her, anyway.” She wrapped her forelegs around me, not saying anything as her ears went flat. “‘Sides, the more that ran through my head, the more I thought about Dinky and Mom and ab-b-bout how I’d’ve...” She coughed and scrubbed at her eyes. “About how I’d’ve never met ‘em if not for all this. It’s ... I dunno if I’d say it was worth it, but I know I’d be missing part of who I am without them.”

“Yeah, I think I know what you mean.” I gave her a supportive nuzzle, thinking back to all the stuff that had happened with my own mother. “Hating them doesn’t do you any good. In my experience, it would just make you and everypony else around you feel worse.” I owed Aunt Wind some thanks for helping me with that issue.

Sparkler nodded, rubbing her eyes again. “Yeah. I don't want to do that.”

“So, I guess all you can do is try to move forward and work it all out.” I gave her a supportive pat on the back. “It won’t be easy, but you can do it.”

“Gonna have to,” she agreed, shooting me a shaky smile. “One weird day at a time.”

I chuckled. “Isn’t that the story of our lives?” I held her for a bit longer, then let go and gave her a slap on the rear. “Alright, that’s enough of me being a worrywart Momma. Go make smexy with my cousin.”

“If she can walk tomorrow, I need to up my game,” Sparkler declared confidently. She turned back and gave me one last hug. “And thanks for the talk, Momma. It helped a lot more’n I thought it would. When’d you get so smart?”

“I’ve always been smart,” I shot back. “There’s a reason Dash wanted to copy my homework back when we were in Flight Camp.” I gave her one last pat on the back. “But seriously, you need to talk, come find me anytime, Sparky Spark.”

“Got it.” With that settle, she set off towards the palace, a new spring in her step.

As I watched her go, I felt ... good. Maybe I’d done a bit more than just procrastinate on dealing with my own problems. After all, Sparkler ... well, it wasn’t like she had the exact same problems as I did, but I’d found some common ground with her. And if I could help her solve her problems, surely I could take care of my own.

Right?

I was feeling cautiously optimistic by the time I got to Fluttershy’s cottage. It was late enough in the day that Blossom should be off work, so hopefully they’d both be there. It would’ve been really weird and awkward to run into one of them only to have to wait until I found the other to explain everything.

Fortunately, I was spared the horrors of dealing with a mildly awkward situation. Blossom was indeed at Fluttershy’s tinkering with something that I vaguely recognized from some sketches Blossom had showed me once—a large barrel mounted on a tripod, with a small box beneath it. A couple times a day, the magical capacitor inside that box would turn on and scatter some of the food inside the barrel everywhere within a ten meter radius. Blossom’s automatic feeder was supposed to save Fluttershy some work, though so far it had met with mixed success. Blossom was still working out some of the bugs, plus Fluttershy enjoyed using a personal touch with her animals even if it made feeding them take longer.

Blossom looked up from the prototype, dropping her screwdriver when she saw me. “Cloud!” She galloped over and latched onto me, holding the hug long enough to let me know how glad she was to see me before abruptly pulling away and glowering at me. “Where have you been?! I was worried sick!”

I took a hesitant half-step back, already caught off guard. “Didn't Dash talk to you? She said she was gonna let you know what was going on.”

“She did,” Blossom confirmed, her glare easing off for a moment before coming right back. “But we shouldn’t have heard that second-hoof from Rainbow in the first place. I appreciate that you sent somepony to let us know you were okay, but that doesn't excuse you running out on us.”

Fluttershy joined us at a more sedate pace, gently hugging me. “We were so worried about you. And while Rainbow told us enough that we didn’t panic ... well, we were still worried. Because we knew you were scared and upset, and there wasn’t anything we could do to help you no matter how much we wanted to.” Her ears drooped, her head hanging low. “Because if we tried, we might just make it worse.”

Ooof. Fluttershy really knows how to bring the guilt. I tried to think of something to say. “Sorry, I...” I vainly struggled to come up with anything more than that, and failed. “Sorry,” I lamely repeated, as if saying it a second time would make it better.

Blossom cupped my cheek in one of her hooves. “Cloud, you can't do this type of thing again. When we found out you’d just vanished on us ... well, Fluttershy was scared to death something bad had happened to you.”

“I do have enemies,” she murmured very quietly. “I mean, because of the Elements. And I guess the Rainbow Power now. Chrysalis is still out there, and Tirek might escape again, or there might be some new horrible monster we don’t even know about yet. And all I could think was that one of them decided to go after you and our foal just to hurt me...”

Oh damn. I hadn’t even considered that angle. Probably because my Kicker pride refused to believe any monster could just grab me out of the bathroom without so much as a peep. Sure, if some Celestia-level monster tried to kidnap me they’d probably be able pull it off, but I liked to believe I would put up one hay of a fight. Certainly enough that Blossom and Eepy would’ve heard it and realized something was wrong.

In light of what she’d been scared of, the actual reason for it sounded incredibly lame. “I ... I just got a little freaked out when the M-word came up”

Fluttershy gazed up at me, unshed tears shimmering in her eyes. “Cloud, why don’t you trust me enough to talk to me when something’s wrong? Did I do something to make you not trust me?”

Oh.

Well.

I felt like a complete monster.

My more cynical side suspected she might be intentionally laying a bit of a guilt trip on me, but I’m not nearly cynical enough to be unaffected when I see somepony I love crying. If I was being played ... well, it was working. Besides, all things considered I probably deserved a bit of a guilt trip after what I’d put them through.

“It’s...” I stumbled. “I uh, well...” My ears went flat against my skull, and I scuffed a hoof along the ground. “Um ... sorry. Again. I just ... sorry.”

Blossom took a deep breath and slowly let it out. “Somehow I'm not surprised you panicked at the prospect of marriage.”

I closed my eyes and slowly regained my bearings after the massive dose of guilt Fluttershy had hit me with. “It's ... look, having the kid is already overwhelming me. I'm not—I can't handle any more right now. I'm not saying no, just asking if we can hold off on that issue for a bit. Until I'm feeling a bit more ... I dunno. Adjusted?”

“Of course we can give you time,” Fluttershy instantly reassured me, wrapping me back up in a warm, comforting hug. “We don't want to rush you into anything before you're ready. You can take as much time as you need.”

Blossom wasn’t anywhere near as supportive. While Fluttershy hugged me, she stood off to the side, worrying at her lower lip. Right as the silence was starting to get a bit awkward, she sighed and said, “Okay, I can understand if you need a bit more time. Things have been a bit crazy lately. So ... yeah.”

I wasn’t completely blind, so I could tell her heart wasn’t in it. I tried to reassure her. “I'm not going anywhere, Blossom. I mean, marriage is just a slip of paper.” I reached out and took one of her hooves in mine. “What matters is that I'm right here with you. That’s not changing anytime soon, marriage or not.” I paused, then amended, “Well, not unless you turn into some kind of raging she-demon or something.”

She let out a halfhearted chuckle. “I’ll try not to do that.” She squeezed my hoof, taking half a step closer. “I want to be here for you, Cloud. I just ... well, we're not just marefriends anymore. We’re going to be a family now, right?”

“Sure looks like it,” I agreed.

“Of course we will,” Fluttershy chimed in. “We can always discuss the idea of marrying later. Honestly, there are probably a lot of other things we would need to take care of before worrying about that anyway. I’m more worried about doctor’s appointments and making sure Cloud is healthy and stress-free right now.”

“I guess...” Blossom murmured, rubbing the back of her neck.

I wasn’t going to let her get away with dodging the issue. Just like with Sparkler earlier, I knew better than to let somepony use my own tricks against me. I gave her a pointed nudge with my hip. “What is it, Bendyflex?”

My goofball nickname managed to earn another half-smile out of her. “I just want to do what's best for the foal. And us for that matter. I guess the tricky part is figuring out what exactly that is.” She grimaced, and added, “Plus accepting that what I want might not be the same thing as what’s best for us and the foal.”

“Yeah, but I think that what’s best for us is what makes us all happy,” I responded. I took a deep breath, then continued. “Which is why I think it'd be good if we lived together. I don’t wanna do this alone, and I can’t think of two ponies in the world I’d rather have at my side.”

Blossom blinked in surprise. “You really mean that? But what about—”

I cut her off with a hoof over her lips. “I really mean it. Yeah, it might take me a bit to adjust, but I don’t think it will be hard compared to being pregnant.”

“I guess we’re all going to have a lot of work to do,” Blossom murmured. “I mean, I’ll have to get used to living on the ground...”

“I think you’ll like it,” Fluttershy reassured her. “I wasn’t sure about moving down here at first, but now I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else.” She hesitated, glancing back at her cottage. “Which, um ... that reminds me. I do want to live with you two, but I just wouldn’t feel right about leaving my cottage and all my animal friends. Especially since I wouldn’t be able to have as many of them around if we lived in Ponyville.”

I tossed a speculative look at her cottage. “Think there's room for two more in there?”

Fluttershy blinked in surprise, but slowly nodded. “Oh, I think so, yes. I do have a lot of spare room I normally let my animals use, but I’m sure they would understand if I asked them to make room for you two. And I have plenty of land, if Blossomforth wants some space to build herself a workshop for her hobbies, or if you want to store some of your old Guard stuff.”

“That sounds like it could work, then.” I looked around Fluttershy’s property, trying to imagine what it would be like to stay here on a long-term basis. Yeah, living in the middle of a menagerie would take some getting used to, but as long as Eepy could convince her animals to give us a bit of space and not bother us in the house... “Yeah, I think this could definitely work.”

Fluttershy turned to the third leg of the tripod. “What do you think, Blossomforth?”

Blossom shrugged. “I don’t know too much about groundside living, so I’ll defer to you two. If you think Fluttershy’s place will work, then I don’t see any reason to argue. It’s certainly less trouble than buying a new house. Honestly, as long as we’re all together I think I’ll be happy.” She hesitated a moment, a frown growing on her face. “Though there is one problem that springs to mind: What about Discord?”

I scowled, remembering some of his more recent actions. “He can stay the hay out of our way.”

“Oh, he isn't that bad when you get to know him,” Fluttershy murmured in her friend’s defense. “He only visits now and again. He even has his own place now.” She paused, shuffling her hooves. “And, well, it’s not like he’d stop visiting if I moved. ”

“That’s true.” Blossom frowned, shaking her head. “I still don't like the idea of having him around. I’d like to have a stable home for the kid, and he’s ... well, nothing’s gonna be stable with him around.”

“Now, now,” Fluttershy gently chided us. “I know you’re not fond of him, but Discord's a friend. He may ... have his rough sides, but he, um, does better now. Or at least he tries to. Well, he said he was going to try to. Although he said that before, and then he still decided to work with Tirek. But, um, I think he really meant it this time.”

Blossom answered her with a flat look. “Still not wild about him.”

“Me either,” I agreed. “But ... well, he is your friend. As long as he behaves and doesn’t cause any problems, I won’t start anything.”

“He will,” Fluttershy promised. “Thank you both for giving him a second ... er, third chance. We'll all get along great. I'm sure of it.”

“We’ll see.” I wasn’t anywhere near as optimistic as Fluttershy was, but I figured I owed it to her to at least try to get along with her friends. Even if she’d decided that one of her friends was a big jerk of a chaos spirit who’d betrayed her to an Equestria-destroying monster.

I sighed and tried to put the draconequus out of my mind. “So, I guess now we need get down to the details? Doctor’s appointments, sorting out the new living arrangements, allocating closet space, and all that?”

Blossom nodded, draping a wing over my shoulders. “Sounds like a plan to me.”

Author's Note

As always, thanks to my pre-reading and editing team for all their hard work. Also, I would like to thank all my dedicated Patreon supporters. You guys are awesome.

Click here if you want to join the list of awesome people who support my writing.

Aaron Kevin Meighen
Aidan Hall
Batbrony
Benjamin McLaren
Borg Lord
Brion Wauters
Charles M. Hagmaier
Chris Hall
Christopher A Cope
Comma-Kazie
Creideiki
Cyanhyde
DaB.
Darkarma
Deep Cover
Dixie Daley
djthomp
Edmon Star
Emlyn Costilow
FallenAngelXy
Forderz
Jack
Jade Walters
James Miller
Jessica T
Justin Emery
Karl Bragisen
MoistGooDragon
Patrick
Ponibius
Singularity Dream
Stephen
Steven Ilten
Sweet Gale
Trinary
waritah
Zennyth

Checkups and Chow

For once, I actually got what I wanted out of life: a couple months of relative peace and quiet to figure some things out. That’s not to say nothing happened. It turned out that Twilight’s new castle had a magical map that sent Fluttershy off on adventures every once in awhile, Rainbow started doing a lot more work with the Wonderbolt Reserves, and life carried with the usual level of insanity for everypony else in Ponyville. Still, at least for me personally things were settling down a bit. Being pregnant wasn’t quite so utterly and incomprehensibly terrifying after I’d had several months to get used to the idea. Still pretty damn scary, though.

Of course, it did come with some serious drawbacks, like the near-constant visits to the hospital for checkups. Okay, maybe not constant, but it sure felt that way. Usually I only ever went there when somepony sprained a wing, bucked a cloud too hard, or that one time Blossom nearly dislocated her shoulder when we’d been working on a new position. Weekly appointments to get my baby bump checked on was an entirely different proposition.

I frowned at my belly as I waddled down the street. Well, perhaps saying I was waddling was a bit of an exaggeration, but by this point other ponies could see my baby bump, and I could definitely feel it. It was like carrying a backpack full of gear, except inside my stomach ... so actually not that much like carrying a backpack at all. At least the morning sickness had died down, even if a dozen other less immediately noticeable but equally irritating issues had taken its place.

I swear, mares who went on about how magical and wonderful pregnancy was must’ve been looking back on it with tons of nostalgia. Maybe they loved their kids so much that they overlooked the eleven months of feeling bloated and miserable.

Or perhaps they just knew nopony wanted to hear all the ugly little details. Pregnancy was suppose to be all about the amazing feeling of a new life growing inside you, so all the pregnant mares just smiled and said that’s how they felt even when the truth was that their back was sore, their hooves swollen, and that they had constant cramps. Well I wasn’t going to go along with the conspiracy to smile and pretend everything was fine! I was sore and miserable, and I was feathering proud of it!

Blossom shot a worried look my way, wrapping a wing around my back. “Feeling alright, Cloud?”

“So far, yeah.”

So much for my grand plans to spread the word. Apparently the conspiracy had already sunk its fangs, talons, and other evil appendages too deeply into me. Let’s face it, nopony wants to listen to me whine and moan about whatever new part of me is sore today. Really, when you think about it ‘How do you feel?’ is one of the most dishonest questions in the world. It’s nothing more than an idle pleasantry that’s supposed to be answered with some variant of ‘I feel fine.’ If somepony asks you that question and you actually give them an honest, detailed answer they’ll get really uncomfortable and try to escape the conversation as soon as they can politely do so. You know what? The next time somepony asked me how I felt, I was gonna treat them to a ten minute rant about how I had to wake up five times last night because my baby was squeezing my bladder. That’ll teach them to be polite.

“Glad you’re doing alright.” Blossom nuzzled me, oblivious to my budding plans to destroy the veneer of civil society that held Equestria together. “You want me to head in with you or would you like to do this by yourself?”

I trotted on into the hospital with Blossom in tow. “Well it's potentially your fault I'm in this condition, so you can suffer through the checkup with me. I oughta pay Redheart extra to poke and prod your belly for a bit.”

Blossom grinned and gave me a careful little squeeze. “Well, if you’ve still got your terrible sense of humor you can’t be doing too badly.”

“Ouch, Blossom.” I waddled over to the front desk and gave the receptionist my appointment info, then hauled my bloated self over to the chair Blossom had waiting for me. “My sense of humor is wonderful, witty, and engaging. I could’ve been a stand-up comedian, but I went into weather work because I couldn’t resist the lower pay and longer hours.”

Blossom snorted and poked me in the chest. “I bet you really just did it because you wanted a job where you could spot anypony who might be fooling around outside.”

“Nah, that was just a perk.” I smirked and nudged her shoulder. “The real reason I took the job was all the hot ponies Rainbow hires. Just saying, most of the fit, trim pegasi in Ponyville are on the weather team.”

Blossom rolled her eyes. “Let me guess, next you’re going to say that it was all part of your master plan to start the biggest orgy in history?”

“Nah.” I waved her remark away. “That’s what my vacations to Las Pegasus were for. The Elements of Harmony thing happened after that, so my next plan was to get through all of them.” I sighed and shook my head. “Should’ve gotten Rainbow when I had the chance. When I first made it to Ponyville she was throwing herself at me and going on about how she wanted my babies, so I had to let her down easy. Back then I was still a wild, crazy mare who didn’t want to get tied down.”

It says something about how well Blossom knew me that she didn’t even roll her eyes at my mild exaggeration. “And then Fluttershy grabbed you and wouldn’t let go,” she concluded.

“She can be stubborn that way,” I agreed. I sighed, leaning back in my chair and trying to find a way to sit that didn’t feel completely uncomfortable. “Maybe I should’ve chased Twilight a bit harder. Then I could slap a crown on my head and make everypony call me Princess Cloud Kicker. Maybe force Rainbow Dash to be my maid, start up a royal harem for the two of us. You’d look good in a harem mare dress. Though I wonder what they’d call me. Cadance has the Princess of Love thing down, so I guess I’d be...”

“Princess of Banging,” Blossom deadpanned. “Because obviously that’s the one thing Equestria desperately lacks right now.”

“Love, friendship, and wild unrestrained sex?” I grinned. “Sounds like a good combination to me.” I paused for a moment, then shook my head. “Aaand now you have me thinking about a three-way with Twilight and Cadance.”

“See, this is why you never got to become a princess.” Blossom smirked at me. “You’d be too busy trying to seduce all the other princesses and turn your royal guards into a personal harem to actually run anything. I suppose I should be grateful you didn’t amend the weather team’s hiring requirements to look like a personal ad.”

I grinned and nodded along. “Weather team seeking new employees. Must be eighteen or older and physically attractive. Expect to work both one-on-one and as part of a team. Reach and flexibility also required. Must be willing to work all night long and into the early morning hours. Twins strongly preferred.”

Blossom very carefully slugged me in the shoulder. “You’re horrible.”

“Love you too,” I shot back with a grin.

My ear flicked as I heard one of the hospital doors opening up, and I looked up to see Redheart stepping out with a clipboard. “Cloud Kicker? We’re ready for you.”

“Yaaay.” I groaned and hauled myself up, waddling on over to her. Blossom followed along beside me, keeping her wing around me.

Redheart led us to a room that had a bit more of that sharp antiseptic smell than the rest of the hospital, presumably because they’d just finished cleaning it from the last patient. I hopped up onto a bed that was not nearly big enough, while Redheart pulled out my folder full of medical info. “So then, how have you been feeling lately? Everything alright?”

One nice thing about doctors, they’re the only ones who you can not only complain to about all your little medical issues, but they’re just about obligated to listen and at least pretend to care. “Yeah, aside from the bloating, soreness, weight gain, mood swings, out-of-control hormones, weird cravings, fatigue, and needing to get up five times a night to use the bathroom, I'm peachy.” I paused, frowning to myself. “Seriously, what’s up with those weird cravings? Last night I put ketchup all over tortilla chips, covered them with cheese, and then ate the whole thing in one go.”

Redheart made a few notes, then spat out her pen. “Those things are normal, as long as they aren’t too bad. Even the cravings. I can offer some literature and a few dietary suggestions that might help a bit with some of those problems.” She shot me a dry smile. “Though you’re probably just going to have to get used to the bathroom thing.”

I sighed and nodded. “I’ll take what I can get.”

Redheart trotted over to a cabinet and pulled out some medical supplies. “Well, I think you know what’s coming up next.”

“Yeah, more tests.” I grumbled, rearranging myself on the bed to make her job easier. “Just like we did last week. And the week before that, and the week before that...”

Blossom smirked and poked my ribs. “You’d think you’d be used to dealing with it by now.”

Redheart shot Blossom a dry grin. “Honestly, by now I’d be more worried if she wasn’t making a fuss and complaining every time we do this. Trust me when I say she’s not the worst patient I’ve had.” She frowned. “Don’t get me wrong, Ditzy was nice and friendly for most of her visits, but I never did figure out what happened to my ultrasound wand.” She shook her head. “Anyway, medically speaking you’ve been doing really well, Cloud. Now that you’re in the second trimester, you shouldn’t have to worry as much about things like morning sickness.” She started poking and prodding with the calm detachment and complete lack of respect for personal space that only a medical professional can show.

It’s rather telling about just how good she was at her job that I was actually uncomfortable with the process. I focused on the medical issues to try and distract myself from what Redheart was up to. “Yeah, morning sickness hasn't been as much of an issue lately.”

Blossom nodded along. “Thank goodness, that was making you miserable.”

I grunted in agreement, while Redheart thankfully finished invading my personal space in the most un-fun way I’d ever experienced that didn’t involve a Diamond Dog. “Glad that’s been less of a problem for you,” she said. “Alright, how about we get you on the scales and then we’ll take a blood test.”

“Can do.” I obediently got off the bed and headed over to the scale, suppressing a groan at the continued upward growth of the numbers. Not all of that could be blamed on the baby growing in my belly. Between the random cravings and cutting back on my old exercise routine, I was getting a bit out of shape. At this rate I was never gonna catch up with Storm.

I decided to switch subjects to something less depressing. “So what's new with you, Redheart?”

“Me?” Redheart broke out a measuring tape to check a few things. “Oh, not all that much. Been hanging out with the girls when I can, and I’m going to a conference in Fillydelphia in a couple of weeks. Should be a fun break from the usual, at least.”

“Your life sounds so much more interesting than mine.” It was really depressing to think how I had such a boring life now. “I did a bunch of weather paperwork this morning, and I’ll be doing more once we finish up here. After I get off work I’ll mope around the house and help feed the animals while we wait for Fluttershy to get back. Then once we finish that, I’ll just lie around the house doing nothing because I'm fat, bloated, and my ankles get sore if I walk too much.”

Redheart frowned at me. “Well you should still be getting some exercise if at all possible.” She jotted down a few notes. “You have been gaining weight a bit faster than you should. That’s why I wanted to talk to you about your diet.”

Blossom nodded along. “Yeah, ever since Rainbow stuck you on desk duty you haven’t been spending all day flying around busting clouds. That’s pretty good exercise all by itself.”

I sighed, flopping back onto the bed now that I was done with the scale. “Yeah, she doesn't want me going outside or anything. Last time I went out in the field she wouldn’t stop hovering until I parked my perfectly proportioned purple plot back behind a desk.”

Blossom rolled her eyes at my bragging, but nodded along. “Maybe we should talk to her about that? I mean, you can still supervise even if we don't want you cloudbucking. According to Twilight’s books and Redheart’s information, you shouldn’t have any trouble flying around until you hit the third trimester.”

Redheart jotted down a few more notes. “Even once you hit your third trimester, you can still fly as long as you have a cloud supporting your weight. That shouldn’t be an issue considering your talents. Daily activity is important for keeping yourself healthy—and you don't want to end up going stir crazy anyways. Stress is bad for both you and the foal.”

“Got it, I’ll go out and about more.” Now I just needed somepony to run interference with Rainbow whenever I was trying to get some exercise. It’s not that I completely hated the way she’d fret and fuss over me, but after a while it stopped being sweet and started getting a little annoying. Then a lot. Then back to sweet for a bit. Then just downright infuriating. Rainbow never really does things halfway.

Redheart pulled out a needle that looked way too large and thick, then jabbed it into me without any warning. I prefered it that way; I tensed up if I knew it was coming. “Your maternity books should also offer plenty of good exercises for you to do that will help you stay in shape without putting too much stress on your body or the foal.”

Blossom chuckled. “In that case we should be fine. Twilight got us more than enough books. Anymore and we could open up our own maternity library. Though I’m sure she passed them on after she read them herself.”

“Well they were books.” I sighed in relief as the vampire known as Redheart finished extracting my blood for her tests. “Seriously, if we didn’t already have plans for this year’s Nightmare Night, I’d dress up as a sexy book. Of course, if I did that then I’d probably need you and Fluttershy there to fend her off with sticks.”

“How would you even make a book costume look sexy?” Before I could answer her Blossom held up a hoof to cut me off. “Wait, never mind. Asking that question is only going to encourage you to find a way to make it happen.”

“You know me so well.” I pecked her cheek.

“Always nice to see you two getting along so well.” Redheart smiled at us. “I suppose Fluttershy couldn’t make it this week?”

“She’s off doing map stuff,” I confirmed.

“I see,” Redheart answered with a blankly uncomprehending look. Apparently not everypony in the world knew Twilight had a magical map that sent her and her friends off to solve problems. It seemed a little weird to me, but considering everything else that happened around Twilight Sparkle, a magic map didn’t even break the top ten.

Redheart jotted down a few more notes in my records, then nodded to herself. “Alright, I think that’s going to be it for your weekly checkup. Everything looks good, and you should get the results of your blood tests in the mail in two or three days.”

“Alright then.” I hauled myself back up onto my hooves, groaning a bit as they twinged in protest. Blossom was quick to help me get up.

Redheart watched me with a slight frown. “You shouldn’t be having that much trouble just moving around. Being a bit sore and tired is to be expected, but your mobility should still be relatively unhampered.”

Blossom nudged me. “I think she’s being a bit of a drama queen about it so everypony will feel sorry for her and pamper her.”

“Blossom!” I protested, holding a hoof over my wounded heart. “Do you really think I would do something like that?” I didn’t give her a chance to provide the incredibly obvious answer and undercut me. “I think I need another hoof massage. They’re just so sore. And if you wore the nurse outfit that would make everything so much better...”

“For the sake of my own sanity and peace of mind, I’m going to pretend I never heard that.” Redheart made a couple final notes, then set her pen aside. “So, same time next week?”

“Can’t wait,” I grumbled, stretching out all six limbs. “You know these little visits are the highlight of my week. Has to be one of the only times I ever complained about getting poked for a solid half-hour.”

Redheart answered with a flat look. “Trust me, it’s just as much fun for me as it is for you. This is at least slightly novel from your side of things, while I’ve been doing this for years. And least you can trust me to be completely professional.” She rather pointedly opened the door for me, then paused and reached into her medical pouch. “Since you behaved yourself today, you can have a lollipop. We have some for the kids.”

“I know you’re poking fun at me, but I’m still taking it.” I snatched away the candy before she could change her mind. “Look at you, giving me presents. I bet you're just trying to butter me up for next time. Get me all relaxed, and then you hit me with some new test or exercise.”

She smirked at me. “I’ll be sure to come up with something suitably horrible.” She waved goodbye as we headed off. “See you next week. And Blossomforth, if she gives you too much trouble you can still swat her upside the head without causing any problems for the baby.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” As we headed back down the hospital corridors, Blossom grinned and leaned in. “So ... what’ll you do for me to make me not tell Rainbow that little tidbit?”

“You kidding?” I shook my head. “I’ve been getting away with so much ever since I got pregnant, because she doesn’t think she can hit back. The other day at lunch I spent the whole time calling her stuff like ‘My Cutesy Wootsey Widdle Dashie-Poo’ and she couldn’t do anything about it but grumble about how she’d get me back once the kid was out. I’ve still got months of material left to inflict upon her.” I nodded sagely. “It’s how I show my love.”

Blossom shook her head. “The sad things is, you’re not even kidding about that. As far as I can tell your entire friendship is based on making fun of, teasing, and pranking each other.”

“There are worse foundations to build a friendship on.” And it wasn’t like Rainbow and I only ever teased each other—she was one of my best friends, and I knew I could always count on her to have my back. That was why our constant teasing and bickering worked: we both trusted each other enough to know that the little back-and-forth didn’t mean anything.

Blossom gently tugged me along while my mind was occupied with trying to find the latest way to express my undying friendship with Rainbow Dash. Maybe steal a page from Star and break out the water balloons? There’s a lot to be said for respecting the classics. Maybe I could get Twilight to write a big friendship research paper on that. Friendship and the magic of pegging your bestie on the back of the head with a water balloon. Yes, this topic definitely merited further research. Perhaps it was time for a field experiment...

Blossom led me to the entrance of the hospital. “Looks like things went pretty quick, so we should have time for a quick lunch before we head back to work.”

“Sounds good to me.” At least now I had medical permission to get out of the office for a while. Rainbow would probably go along with it once I brought up Redheart’s orders. Yeah, she was being a bit of an overprotective worrywart when it came to physical activity, but the best way to counter that was to point out that me getting some exercise would keep me and foal healthy.

After all, Rainbow was only making such a fuss because she wanted me to be as absolutely safe as possible. I just hoped she stayed far away from any more health food books. I really didn’t want to suffer through another dose of her home-cooked healthy meals. Rainbow’s a good enough cook when she sticks with what she knows, but she most definitely does not know how to make a fruitcake. She seemed convinced that since it had fruit in the name and fruit was healthy, then fruitcake had to be healthy too. Or the time she got rid of all the haybacon in the house, because back when Derpy had been carrying Dinky haybacon always set off her morning sickness. Or when she made me pickle soup to help with my cravings, because apparently Derpy had liked that.

We’d almost escaped the hospital when we crossed paths with Ponyville’s sole resident alicorn. Twilight was chatting with one of the ponies at the front desk, but what got my attention was the fact that one of her legs was covered in bandages and there was a rather nasty-looking lump on the side of her head. There were probably some more injuries hidden under the hospital gown.

I rushed over to her side, my heart clenching in my chest. “Twilight?! What happened to you? Is Fluttershy okay?!”

“Oh, Cloud!” She quickly put a reassuring hoof on my shoulder. “Don’t worry, Fluttershy was off doing something completely unrelated, she’s fine. As for me ... well I, I kinda had an incident with some monsters and an evil artifact. But it's alright! Promise!” She waved down to herself. “They just wanted to run a few tests to make sure I was alright.”

Blossom looked her over and frowned. “You look like you got run over by a cart. That was on fire. And being driven by Derpy right after somepony told her they’d just opened up an all-you-can-eat muffin buffet.”

“According to the doctors, I’ll feel like that’s what happened when I wake up tomorrow.” Twilight groaned and ran her good hoof through her hair. “It was one of those days where things got a little bit crazy. Then a lot crazy.”

“What about Storm?” I pressed.

“She’s fine too,” Twilight quickly assured me. “A little beat up, but no worse than I am. Which she was pretty grumpy about when I checked up on her something like how since she’s my bodyguard, I shouldn’t have one scratch on me until she’s been completely beaten up.” Twilight sighed and shook her head. “In any case, they already sent her back to the palace. I gave her the rest of the week off, and that should be enough for her to recover—if she actually rests like I told her to instead of being stubborn about it.”

My shoulders slumped in relief. “Glad she’s alright, though don’t hold your breath about her not being stubborn. It runs in the family.” I’d have to check up on her later, but for right now I shook my head and got back to what I’d originally been worried about. “Any idea when Fluttershy'll be back?”

Twilight shrugged. “It’s hard to say for sure. The map sent them to Vanhoover, so it’s not exactly a short trip. Most map missions don’t take too long, but we really don’t know what we’re dealing with until we get there and have a look.” She frowned to herself. “I really need to reconfigure the map to provide us with more information than who it wants to send and where they need to go. It obviously must need more information than that to decide who to send, and if we had access to all the information it uses to make its decisions, we’d have a much easier time with our jobs.” She grimaced and shook her head. “Seriously, telling Rarity and Applejack nothing but that there’s a friendship problem somewhere in Manehattan? Does the map have any idea how many ponies there are in Manehattan? Or how many of them are probably having some sort of friendship-related problem at any point in time? It’s a miracle they actually managed to find ... I’m rambling again. Sorry.”

“It’s alright.” Twilight going off on the occasional tangent was just one of her charming qualities. And I was certainly in no position to complain about anypony getting distracted, even if my distractions were usually more along the lines of checking out somepony’s butt. I sighed and shook my head. “I just hope Fluttershy comes home soon.”

Blossom nuzzled me reassuringly, while Twilight responded with a strained smile. “Don’t worry, I'm sure she'll be back before long. And these map missions are never dangerous. Well, except for that one where we were all held captive by that crazy pony and her cult of brainwashed followers who stole our cutie marks. Or when Rainbow Dash nearly fell into a bottomless chasm while she was visiting Gryphonstone. Or when Pinkie ... I think I’ll stop talking now.”

“Thanks for trying to cheer me up.” Princess or not, there were still times when Twilight was the same awkward, adorkable bookworm I’d first met years ago.

Blossom apparently decided it would be a good idea to close out the conversation before Twilight could do any more damage. “Come on, Cloud, lets get you something to eat.”

“Right, nice to see you.” Twilight tried spreading out her wings, but only got them halfway before wincing and pulling them back in. “I guess I’ll go back to the palace and ... I don’t know. I’m feeling too lightheaded to read, and all my friends are either out of town or busy. So ... um...” She shuffled uncertainly on her hooves, her ears drooping miserably.

I couldn’t say no to that face. “Wanna come with us, Twilight?”

Her ears perked right back up. But she tried to politely hide her enthusiasm. “Only if you want me along. I wouldn’t want to intrude on the two of you.”

Blossom shrugged. “The more the merrier. It’s not like we were planning to do anything all that fancy for lunch.”

“Great,” Twilight fell in at my side as the three of us trotted out of the hospital. “I'm pretty hungry now. One of the side effects of all the tests and everything else I went through, I guess.”

I was tempted to ask for details about what exactly she’d gone through but Blossom cut in with a far more pertinent question. “Where do we want to eat? You having any weird cravings, Cloud? That would help us narrow it down.”

I thought it over, consulting my ever-growing stomach. “Nah, not having too many cravings today. How about a salad?”

Blossom let out a relieved sigh. “Well that sounds nice and—”

“With peanut butter,” I continued. “And plenty of vinegar for the dressing. Oh, and gruyere cheese on top. Lots of cheese. I mean lots of it. Maybe some hayfries mixed in too.”

“Well, glad to see you aren’t having too much trouble with cravings,” Twilight deadpanned. “Anyway, there’s a pretty nice deli on the town square that should be able to take care of that. They do sandwiches and they do salads, so they should have ... all of that.”

“Ooor maybe we should go home,” Blossom suggested. “That way we can fix whatever you want instead of traumatizing the restaurant staff and anypony who happens to be looking in your general direction once you start eating.”

“Bah.” I grumbled and flicked my wing off of Blossom. “Just for that, we’re definitely eating out. Let all the world watch as I gorge myself on craving-fulfilling food. If you think it’s gross, you deserve it for possibly being the one who planted this kid in my belly.”

Blossom sighed and rolled her eyes. “I’d say being pregnant has turned you into a real hooffull, but you were just as bad before any of this happened. Alright, fine, let’s get your pregnant plot to the deli, and then you can terrorize whatever poor chef gets put in charge of assembling the latest culinary abomination your stomach demands.”

Twilight smiled awkwardly. “Um, I hope you don’t mind if I just eat a couple normal hayburgers. I’m sure that ... er ... salad-like thing you described sounds appetizing to you, but I’d rather stick with something a bit more conventional.”

“Seconded,” Blossom agreed without a moment’s hesitation. “At least I’ve almost gotten used to just ignoring whatever weirdness is on Cloud’s plate and focusing on my own food.”

“I’ve got some practice at that thanks to Storm,” Twilight agreed. “Which reminds me, she wanted me to do some research on the benefits of a high-protein diet for expecting mares. Thought I should warn you that she might try to convert you to her strange omnivorous ways next time she sees you.”

“Thanks for the warning.” In my current craving-filled state, I was a little worried by the possibility that she might ambush me with some freshly-cooked meat. What if I got one whiff of the stuff and my crazy stomach decided I should eat it? Considering Derpy had shared a story about how she’d once been hit by a craving for wet cement, it wasn’t that crazy...

The three of us headed over the cafe, Blossom flitting ahead to pull out a couple chairs for us. “Okay, Cloud, how about you sit down, and I'll go in and order your ... I guess it does fit the technical definition of food in that it is theoretically edible. You should probably sit down too, Twilight. You wanted the hayburgers, right?”

Twilight nodded, sinking into her seat almost as heavily as I did. “Yeah, two hayburgers with extra ketchup. Thanks.”

“No problem.” Blossom planted a quick kiss on the top of my head. “I’ll be back once our food’s ready and I convince the chefs not to commit ritual suicide after they’re done making Cloud’s horrible abomination of a meal.”

I rolled my eyes, but that didn’t stop them from lingering on Blossom’s plot for a bit as she trotted in. Once her beautiful butt was out of sight, I shifted my attention to Twilight and asked the obvious question. “So what exactly happened to you?”

Twilight sighed, leaning back in her chair. “Somepony on an archeological expedition near the Crystal Empire dug up an artifact. Something made by King Sombra that had just been buried for centuries. By the time we found out about it, he was using the artifact to enslave an entire town and had declared himself the Supreme God-Overlord of Icepeak.” Twilight shook her head. “I swear, there must be something about dark-magic that makes ponies want to give themselves the most ridiculous titles imaginable. Anyway, that resulted in me getting into a big fight with the monsters he had managed to control, and then the artifact itself. You can guess how the rest of it all played out.”

“Oooh.” I’d read about cases like that back at West Hoof, when I was doing my training for if I ever needed to work with magi. Random ponies stumbling across some evil artifact that made them go on a rampage was one of the things they faced with depressing regularity. Though I suppose that wasn’t as bad as an outright warlock, like the one cult leader Twilight and her friends had run into a while back. “No offense, but kinda glad Flutters missed that.”

“Me too.” Twilight shook her head. “I’m starting to see why Storm keeps suggesting I expand my Guard contingent. Storm, Masked, Speedy, Twinkleshine and I would’ve had a much easier time of it if we’d had a bit more backup.”

I blinked at the less-than-welcome reminder that my dad’s ... paramour was stationed in Ponyville now. I suppose I should’ve expected it, what with her being one of Twilight’s old friends. “How’s Twinkleshine, anyway?”

Twilight blinked, then quickly nodded “Oh! She's fine too. Actually better off than me and Storm, since she was watching our backs while we did the hardest part of it. She didn’t have anything too serious other than being told not to cast any strenuous spells for a week.” Twilight’s shoulders untensed. “It was a close thing, but we all made it out more-or-less intact.”

“Well that’s good.” I shuffled in my seat. “I know Dad would be upset if anything...”

Twilight coughed, her cheeks warming up a bit. “Right, with them, um, being involved...”

A shiver ran down my spine. “Yeah. That.”

Twilight chuckled nervously. “I guess that's a bit weird for you, isn't it? I know it’s a bit strange for me. I mean, one of my old friends is dating another one of my friends’ father. Though I suppose as long as they’re both happy I shouldn’t judge. Are you...?”

She left the question hanging, but what she meant was pretty obvious. “I'm ... dealing.”

“Oh.” She rubbed at the back of her mane. “I know a bit about how difficult dealing with something like that can be.”

I thought back to Twilight’s rather convoluted family tree, and recent revelations about just how messy it was. “Yeah, I guess you have some experience with that.”

Twilight stared down at the table, carefully rearranging her silverware so that it was all in perfect order. “So if you ever want to talk about it with somepony ... well, you have Blossomforth and Fluttershy for that, I guess.”

“Yeah, I do.” I didn’t want to leave her feeling completely shut out, though. “But you know Twinkleshine a lot better than I do, or either of them. Counts for something.”

Twilight nodded and smiled. “Right, we were friends back in school. I guess I should’ve realized Twinkle has a thing for older stallions—she did develop a huge crush on one of our teachers. But there’s a big difference between that and...” She sighed and started rearranging my silverware. “I don’t think it’s Twinkleshine’s age that’s really bothering you, is it? It’s the fact that she’s involved with your father.”

“Well, I wouldn’t say the age is a total non-issue.” Though if I’m honest, a small part of me couldn’t help but be impressed with my dad for still having so much game. “I mean, she is pretty young for him, and I’m sure as hay not gonna call Twinkleshine my stepmom. But the age thing doesn’t bother me nearly as much as the fact that anypony is dating Dad. I doubt it would bug me that much less if he had his sights on somepony his own age.” I paused, then amended that. “Well, except that Twinkleshine’s still young enough to have kids. Which ... yeah, that’s gonna be a lovely little complication if they go all the way.”

Twilight sighed and patted my shoulder. “Maybe you just need some time to get used to it. I promise, Twinkleshine is really nice.”

“Yeah, that’s what everypony keeps telling me.” I leaned back in my chair, staring up at the cloud-filled sky. “Having her around Ponyville working in your palace is going to make it pretty hard to avoid her forever.”

Twilight set one of her hooves on top of mine. “Right, she isn't going anywhere anytime soon. If you want, I can have you two sit down and talk.” She shot me a cute and confident little grin. “I am the Princess of Friendship, and it sure sounds like you two could use a little help with your friendship. So if you want some help...”

I knew Twilight well enough to realize that there was no getting out of this. Apparently one of the times back in ancient history when our families had intermarried, the Kicker Stubbornness Gene had passed into the Sparkle line. I guess I should be glad we didn’t get the Sparkle Dancing Gene in the bargain. “Alright then, I’ll give it a shot.”

She nodded eagerly. “Great, I'll make all the arrangements later. Maybe you'll even become friends.” Her cute little grin shifted into a positively adorkable smile.

I groaned and flopped back. “I can't say no to that face...”

That remark unfortunately killed the smile, replacing it with a confused frown. “Huh? Something up with my face?”

I snickered. “Yeah. It was way too cute.”

“Oh, um...” She smiled up shyly at me. “That's good, right?”

I grinned and booped her on the nose. “Cute is always good.”

She chuckled, seeming to get her mental hooves back under her. “Good to hear then. It has been a while since I've been called cute. I think most ponies are just a little too nervous about me being a princess to say things like that to me.”

“Especially since Storm’d be glaring at them if they tried.” My cousin got extra-grumpy if she thought anyone wasn’t showing proper respect for Twilight, and apparently she considered flirting disrespectful. While I thought she was being a bit of a stick in the mud, I suppose I could see where she was coming from. It’s not like anypony would dare to go up to Princess Celestia and start hitting on her. But then, Celestia was millenia old and despite lots of crazy rumors and family legends, she’d never had a confirmed romantic relationship. Twilight ... wasn’t Celestia.

I spotted Blossom trotting over with our food, and decided to bring her into the conversation. “Well, maybe I should call you cute more often. What do you think, Blossom? Should I keep telling Twilight how cute she is?”

Blossom grinned and set my plate down in front of me. The combination of smells coming off of my bizarre mismatched salad really didn’t seem like something that should go together, but for some reason when they all hit my nose at the same time it just ... worked. While I drooled over my food, Blossom set far more conventional food in front of herself and Twilight, then grinned at me. “Are you inflicting your wiles on our poor, innocent princess, Cloud?”

I shrugged and grabbed my fork. “She was being cute, and I told her how cute she was. Pretty sure that’s not a crime.” I dove into my meal, moaning softly as a dozen different flavors hit my tongue at the same time and all came together in a perfect medley. Cravings might look weird from the outside, but nothing tastes as good as a weird craving that’s finally been fulfilled.

“Truuue,” Blossom agreed, nibbling on her burger. “And it would be a shame if a cute princess wasn't told she was cute every once in awhile. Even it does make me a bit jealous.” She gave my knee a quick pat under the table.

I took a bit to swallow my current mouthful of delectable salad—the vinegar and peanut butter were just perfect together. “Oh relax, Blossom. I love you to bits, even if Twi's cute.”

Blossom grinned and poked me with a wingtip. “That’s why I’m only a bit jealous, you big goof.” She chuckled and shook her head. “Don’t forget we’re still in an open relationship, even if you’ve stuck exclusively with me and Fluttershy for a while now. If I was gonna blow up every time you called somepony cute, we wouldn’t have lasted this long.”

“I can’t really argue with that logic.” Considering my track record as an utterly shameless flirt, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised Blossom had accepted that.

Blossom grinned and shrugged. “I mean, half the time you and Rainbow tease each other you pretend to flirt with her, and you’ve flirted with pretty much everypony we work with at some point. I know you're going to be you.”

Twilight chuckled. “I don't think any force in Equestria is strong enough to keep Cloud from being Cloud.”

I grinned and put my hooves behind my head, leaning back in my chair. “Nope. I mean, who would I be if I wasn’t me?”

Blossom grinned and gave my knee another quick pat. “So go ahead and be a shameless flirt. As long as you're in a good mood I’m happy.” She smirked at Twilight. “In fact, I might even help Cloud out a bit. She’s been a terrible influence on me.”

I chuckled and wrapped a wing around her. “See, this is why despite all the flirting with other ponies, Blossom’s the one I end up coming home to every night rather than the cute princess.”

Blossom playfully but very carefully swatted my chest. “Darn right it is.”

I shot a mock-sympathetic smile Twilight’s way. “Sorry, looks like you can’t beat Blossom.”

Twilight sighed with melodrama worthy of Rarity. “Oh phooey. I was so looking forward to stealing you away for the secret royal harem I’ve been secretly building in secret.”

Blossom grinned triumphantly. “Sorry, I had an unbeatable lead from the start.”

“There there.” I reached over and patted Twilight’s uninjured leg. “Maybe we can talk Fluttershy into letting you stay for a sleepover sometime.”

“Oh, that's...” Twilight’s cheeks lit up and she couldn’t meet my eyes. “Um, I don't know what to, um...”

Blossom’s hooves flew up to cover her mouth in a vain attempt to conceal her giggling. “You got her blushing now, Cloud.”

“Victory is mine!” I pumped my hoof triumphantly.

Twilight groaned, burying her head in her wings. “That’s the problem with you: once you start flirting I can never tell if you're just teasing me or being serious.”

Blossom nodded and grinned. “The obvious answer is yes to both, because this is Cloud.”

Twilight sighed from within the shelter of her wings. “Of course it is.”

I nodded along, amused by just how well Blossom got me. “I'm just teasing ... buuut if my raw sexual charisma overwhelmed you so much that you couldn’t help but throw yourself at me, I’d roll with it.”

“If she threw herself at you?” Blossom asked, smirking at me. “Think you'd have trouble pulling it off? I guess you are a little out of practice...”

“Oooooh, now you've done it, Blossom.” I scuffed my hooves along the ground as if I were preparing for a race. “I pretty much have to seduce her now. My reputation is on the line.”

Twilight warily peeked out from her wings, and for a moment I wondered if she was planning to fly or teleport away. Instead she opened them up, then started almost frantically waving. “Fluttershy! Over here!”

My ears immediately perked up, all thought of teasing Twilight gone. “Eepy?” I spun around in my chair just in time to see her land. Fluttershy’s mane was windblown and she looked a bit tired from the long flight, but none of that changed the fact that she was here. I quickly waddled over and wrapped her in a bear hug.

She hugged me back, though far more gently. “It’s good to see you too, Cloud. Is everything okay? How’s the baby doing?”

“We’re both fine,” I assured her before she could start working herself up into a panic. “I was just a bit worried about you. Just, I didn’t know when you’d be home or if you were in trouble or what was...”

“It’s okay,” Eepy murmured, nuzzling my cheek. “I’m back now, and everything went just fine. I was never in any danger, we were just helping somepony who was down on his luck get a fresh start.”

Twilight smiled approvingly while Blossom came over to get her share of Flutterhugs. “That's good to hear. I guess I can mark this off on the checklist as another cutie map mission successfully completed.”

“Yeah.” I nodded along, not nearly as enthusiastic about it as Twilight was. “Everything worked out and Fluttershy’s home safe. That's the most important thing.” Though with all these cutie map missions showing up and dragging Fluttershy off to who knew where, I was starting to understand how ponies who married into the Guard felt when their spouses went on deployment. Never would’ve thought I’d be experiencing that from this side of things.

Meanwhile, now that the welcome home hugs were done Fluttershy had finally noticed the bandages covering her friend. “Twilight! You look terrible!” She rushed over to check her out. “What happened to you? Is everything okay?!”

“Oh, this?” Twilight chuckled nervously at Fluttershy’s fussing. “Really, it isn't quite as bad as it looks. The ponies at the hospital were being a bit overzealous since I’m a princess.”

Eepy paused, thinking it over. “Well, if you’ve already been to the hospital and they said everything was okay ... and I suppose you seem fine out here sitting and relaxing. Alright then, but be careful and don’t hurt yourself trying to do too much.”

I gave her a reassuring pat on the back. “Don’t worry, Blossom and I are keeping an eye on her. We ran into her while I was getting my weekly checkup.” I held up a hoof to forestall the inevitable barrage of questions. “Everything’s fine with the kid and me, aside from them saying I need a little more exercise.”

“Alright then.” She hugged me again, one hoof dropping to tenderly stroke my belly. “As long as you’re both okay.”

“And we are,” I concluded. I saw a chance to turn the conversation back to where it had been a little bit ago, and I pounced on it. “So Eepy, would you agree that Twilight’s cute?”

“Oh! Um...” Eepy shot a nervous look Twilight’s way, her cheeks warming up. “Yes, she is. Rarity certainly thinks so, and she's a good judge of that type of thing.”

I grinned at Twilight, who responded by groaning and planting her face on the table. “So ... looks like we’re all in agreement then. Twilight is cute.”

Fluttershy turned to me an unreadable look on her face. “Cloud, what are you up to?”

I chuckled and buffed a hoof on my chest. “Oh, just being my usual mischievous self.”

She smiled and chuckled. “Oh, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that you’re having a bit of fun.” She pecked me on the cheek. “That’s fine, as long as you don’t go too far and end up embarrassing Twilight or making her feel bad.”

“Perish the thought,” I assured her. “All my teasing is gentle, friendly, and ultimately makes ponies feel better about themselves and their appearance. If you think about it, I’m practically performing a public service.”

“Yeah, keep telling yourself that,” Twilight murmured under her breath. Her ears perked up and she turned to Fluttershy. “Oh! Before I forget, there is something I wanted to ask you about.” She grinned sheepishly. “Blossom joked about how Cloud is too out of practice when it comes to flirting, so apparently she’s decided to brush up her skills on me. If we don’t do something to distract her now...”

“Oh yes, once she gets in that mood there’s no stopping her,” Fluttershy agreed, smiling gently at me before turning back to Twilight. “So what did you want to talk to me about?”

Twilight took a finished off the last of her hayburgers with a degree of enthusiasm Storm probably wouldn’t have approved of, then answered her. “I was wondering if you would be interested in doing some consulting for the Long Patrol? You know the local wildlife better than anypony, and with my guard expanding I’m sure they would really like to hear from you.” She grinned and added, “Oh, and for what it’s worth consultants do get paid pretty well. With a foal on the way I’m sure you wouldn’t mind some extra bits.”

She wasn’t wrong. The three of us had decent savings and a very stable income, but a little extra wouldn’t hurt at all. Kids weren’t exactly cheap.

Which is why I was a bit worried when instead of accepting the job, Fluttershy’s smile vanished. “For the Patrol? You’re going to be bringing more of them in?”

Twilight nodded. “Storm and I thought it was pretty important to have a contingent of the Patrol in my guard. What with us being so close to the Everfree, and well...” She pointedly lifted up her bandage-covered leg. “I kinda have a history with monsters.”

Well, nopony could disagree with her about that. If she was going to bring in some more guards, it certainly made sense to pick ponies with practical skills that would be useful for her. Twilight didn’t strike me as the type to want an entire platoon of purely ceremonial Guardponies who did nothing but enforce protocol and stand around looking pretty. Though Storm would probably try to make her get a few of those. “I could see some Patrolponies helping out a lot. You could even start patrolling the Everfree, clear out some of those monsters.”

If I’d been paying a bit more attention to Fluttershy, I probably would’ve noticed the way she frowned at me when I said that.

Twilight smiled at me, pulling out a scroll. “That's what I thought. I've been talking with Applejack, and she says that her and a lot of the other Ponyville farmers would like to carve out a few more acres out of the Everfree. Not to mention there's more than a few laborers in town who wouldn’t mind access to plots of cheap land to make their own instead of just working other ponies’ farms. Naturally, we can’t do any of that until we clear out the monsters in that neck of the woods. Plus most of us have had at least one close call with the Forest’s wildlife—Spike nearly getting eaten by timberwolves, me and Fluttershy with that cockatrice, the cragadile, that hydra...” She grimaced and shook her head, then unrolled the scroll and set it down in front of Fluttershy. “Anyway, I wrote up a quick contract for you while the doctors were waiting on my test results. If you can just sign here and initial here and here, that’ll take care of everything.”

Fluttershy took a deep breath and pushed the scroll back. “Twilight, I’m sure you mean well and I understand some of the creatures can be a bit scary, but the Everfree Forest is their home. We shouldn’t be sending soldiers to go running around their home, or destroying it just so we can have more farmland.”

I blinked in surprise. “Yeah, it’s the home of a whole lot of crazy pony-eating monsters. I’d like to have the Patrol running around even if we didn’t want to expand Ponyville. Considering how many close calls we’ve had in the last couple years...”

Fluttershy frowned at me. “Well maybe if ponies stopped intruding in the Everfree, that wouldn’t happen. If the Patrol starts running around the forest, they’ll...” She trailed off, looking down and to the side.

Blossomforth slowly nodded. “She’s got a point. I am a bit worried about them stirring up trouble. I mean, who knows what sort of creatures are in those woods? Seems like we can’t start a new mine or chop down a few trees without running into some sort of trouble. The last thing we need is to wake up another big evil monster that’s been asleep for thousands of years.”

Twilight sighed and rubbed her forehead. “I know the Everfree can be a bit unpredictable. that’s why I want Fluttershy as a consultant to reduce the number of problems we’ll have. Zecora’s already onboard, and Fluttershy knows nearly as much as she does about the local wildlife. The more information the Patrol has, the easier it’ll be for them to keep everypony safe without causing the creatures too much trouble.”

I shifted what was left of my salad to the side. “Yeah, exactly. And if there are any big nasty monsters waiting in the forest, I’d rather have the Patrol standing by armed and ready when they wake up in a bad mood.”

“Why?” Fluttershy snapped, scowling. “So they can kill any creatures who’re upset that we’re destroying their homes?!”

Twilight blinked in surprise, leaning back in her chair. “Fluttershy, calm down. It’s the Guard's job to protect ponies from those monsters. And you have to know that it’s not as simple as you’re making it out to be. Remember how many times the timberwolves have gone running around Applejack’s farm? Even if we don’t expand, they will.”

Fluttershy shook her head. “If we just tried understanding them instead...”

Twilight frowned at her. “Fluttershy, as the pony who really likes to learn about different types of animals, you have to know that understanding only gets you so far with some creatures. Besides, not everypony has your natural talents for dealing with animals, and as princess I have to think about the safety of everypony who can’t talk down an angry manticore.”

“And the Patrol does try to understand the creatures they deal with,” I pointed out. “They only use force if other ways won’t get the job done. That’s why they want you as a consultant—you’re one of the best ponies around to help them find peaceful solutions.”

Twilight nodded eagerly. “Exactly what Cloud said. It’s not like I’m sending a bunch of extermination squads into the Everfree.”

Fluttershy crossed her forelegs over her chest. “No, you just want to destroy the homes of thousands of animals, then kill them if they fight back instead of meekly accepting it. I’m sorry, but there’s no way I can support that.”

I groaned and massaged my temples to stave off a growing headache. “Eepy, be reasonable. It’s not like we’re talking about clear-cutting the Everfree Forest. Just a tiny bit of expansion and making sure the outskirts are safe. Everfree’s huge—there’ll be plenty of room left.”

Fluttershy shot me a look that made it clear I was in danger of ending up on the couch. “Maybe it’s just a little bit, but then next year you'll want to expand a little bit more. Then a bit more, and some more after that, until...”

Blossom’s eyes flicked around the town square. “She’s not wrong. Ponyville’s been growing pretty steadily, and with Twilight setting up her royal palace it’s probably going to get even bigger over the next couple years.”

Twilight reluctantly nodded. “That ... is true. I know I was planning to build a new barracks for my expanded Guard, and we’ll probably need to add a few support facilities too. And of course that will encourage new businesses to come to Ponyville as well...” Twilight grabbed a napkin and jotted down a couple quick figures. “Still, even if we assumed the most aggressive rate of expansion possible for our model, it would take at least 297 years before we completely clear-cut the Everfree. And of course, that’s only going to happen if we completely ignore the ecological damage that would cause, which we obviously wouldn’t.”

Fluttershy stared down at Twilight’s napkin math, her jaw hanging open. “Twilight, why are you calculating how long it would take to completely destroy the Everfree Forest?”

“It was just a theoretical exercise,” Twilight protested.

Fluttershy’s eyes narrowed. “And how long before it goes from theoretical to something you’d actually want to do? I’m sure you think it would be much more efficient to get rid of that dumb old forest and all the animals in it, so ponies could do something more productive with it.”

“I didn't say that!” Twilight snapped, a hint of a frustrated growl entering her voice. “Now you’re just putting words in my mouth. It’s about as fair as me asking you why you care way more about evil pony-eating monsters than the ponies they eat!”

Fluttershy abruptly got up from her seat, scowling at Twilight. “Excuse me, I think I need to go take care of my animals.” Without another word she abruptly turned about and took off.

Twilight gawked at her departing form. “Fluttershy!”

Blossom sighed, rising from her seat. “I'll go talk to her. Maybe we can work things out once she calms down a bit.”

“Thanks, Blossom.” I ran a hoof through my mane. “That ... didn’t go well at all.”

Twilight groaned, planting her face on the table. “I can’t believe I just got into an argument with Fluttershy. How could I even do that? She’s usually a...” Her hoof waved vaguely through the air, searching for a word. “A ... well she doesn’t get into arguments with ponies.”

I leaned over and sympathetically rubbed her back while Blossom headed after Eepy. “I know Fluttershy’s usually not the arguing type, but taking care of animals is her passion. She can get really worked up if she feels like they’re being treated badly.”

“I guess that shouldn’t be a surprise.” Twilight groaned, slumping down further into her chair. “I didn’t think she’d get so upset over me asking for her help.”

A bright flash of light accompanied by the sound of sad violin music announced the arrival of one of my least favorite beings in Equestria. “Aw, what's the matter? Is the Princess of Friendship having a friendship problem of her own?” Discord slithered down, draping himself across the two unoccupied seats at our table. “That’s such a shame ... though also hilariously ironic.”

Oh great. Him. I groaned and murmured to myself. “Just when I thought things had hit rock bottom...”

Twilight’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. “What are you doing here, Discord?”

Discord answered with a grin that showed entirely too many teeth. “Just watching how you deal with a friendly disagreement with one of your very best friends. And by the looks of it, not very well.” He tsked, his head morphing into a rather poor imitation of Princess Celestia. “I expected better from you, my faithful student.”

Twilight averted her eyes, crossing her forelegs over her chest. “Friends don’t always agree with each other. It happens. In fact, we recently got a very pointed lesson in exactly how wrong it is to force everypony to have the same opinion.”

I filled in the gap, scowling at our most unwelcome guest. “I hope you're not planning on stirring up any trouble.”

“Who, me?” He raised a claw to his chest while conjuring up a halo over his head. “What on Equestria makes you think that poor little innocent me would want to cause trouble? Besides, you two seem to be more than capable of that without me.”

I didn’t have much patience for Discord’s antics on a good day, and this wasn’t looking good at all. “What do you want, and how do we make you go away?”

“What? Can't I hang out with my good pal, Twilight?” He wrapped one his mismatched arms around Twilight, making her tense up.

She shrugged off his arm, answering through gritted teeth. “I wasn't aware we were pals.”

“Why Twilight, I'm hurt.” A preposterous number of fake tears spilled from his eyes, until our table was floating in a small lake. “After all that work you put into reforming me, you still don’t trust me?”

If not for the fact that it wouldn’t do any good, I might’ve tried throwing something at his head. “Can’t exactly fault her for not trusting her when the last time she actually gave you a chance, the result was you selling all her friends out to Tirek.”

“A temporary lapse in judgement, I assure you.” One of Discord’s talons swooped down to scoop up what was left of my salad. “I'm a recovering villain. You can’t just offer me a chance to be evil and expect me to always turn it down. That's like offering liquor to an alcoholic—you really have nobody to blame but yourself for what happens next.”

I growled and scraped up one last bite of my meal. “That’s not true at all, I can blame you. Now either get to the point or leave us alone.”

“Now now, don't be like that,” Discord chided. “I'm just trying to have a friendly chat. After all, you're an item with my very best friend Fluttershy, so the two of us really ought to get along. It’s not like you need her more upset with you than she is already.”

I really wasn’t in the mood for this. “And why exactly would I went to spend any time with an inconsiderate backstabbing jerk?”

“Oh, I’m inconsiderate?” Discord threw his mismatched arms up to the heavens. “That’s rich coming from somepony who wakes me up a dozen times a night flushing the toilet. Obviously it’s not an issue for you, but some of us need our beauty sleep.” Discord’s features suddenly sagged, making his look even uglier than usual. “See what happens when you don’t think of others, Cloud Kicker?” He shook his head, returning his face to normal. “Is this the thanks I get after all that help I've given to Fluttershy?” He crossed his arms over his chest. “Not to mention that in all the time I’ve been in Ponyville, you haven’t flirted with me once.”

“I think it has something to do with the 'inconsiderate backstabbing jerk' problem,” Twilight shot back dryly.

“And the fact that I have standards,” I added in.

“That's debateable with the slop you're eating.” He snapped his talons, and what was left of my salad transformed into a huge bowl of gruel.

Alright, time to break out his one big weakness. “Hey Discord, what do you think Fluttershy would say about you taking away the food my growing foal needs?”

His eyes narrowed, but I had him beat and he knew it. “Oh fine then, ruin the fun.” He snapped again and restored my salad to the exact state it had been in before he stole it. “Though really, that meal is so chaotic it doesn’t even have any class.”

I scoffed. “What would you know about class?” I would’ve grumbled at him a bit more, but my stomach demanded I put more food in it, and I obliged it.

“Class? Why I know everything about class, my dear pernunky pregnant purple pony.” With another flash of light, he changed our comfortable little cafe table to a perfect replica of the huge table in Celestia’s banquet hall. Another flash put Twilight and I in fancy dresses, and himself in a tuxedo. “Classy enough for you?”

Twilight closed her eyes and her horn lit up, reversing his magic after several seconds of concentration. “Discord, what are you up to?”

He sighed and shook his head. “Why must you always be so suspicious of me?”

“Precedent.”

I mentally congratulated Twilight on a great one-liner before piling on. “Less games, and more getting to the point before we find out if Twilight's learned any new spells that could make your life unpleasant.”

“Oh fine.” He pointedly turned his back on us. “I can tell when I’m not wanted.” He twisted his head around in a way that reminded me of Twilight’s pet owl. “I suppose I’ll just go comfort dear Fluttershy instead. I hope she’s not too upset about Twilight’s plans to have the Long Patrol go stomping all over cute little bunnies and kittens so she can build a shopping mall, or whatever it is she’s planning.” He disappeared with one last flash of light, leaving us mercifully alone.

Once I was reasonably certain he wasn’t coming back, I growled and shook my head. “What a jerk.”

Twilight sighed and nodded. “You're telling me. I know he’s supposed to be reformed, and I guess there are one or two times when he can be a bit funny, but honestly I can't stand him most of the time.”

“You think that's bad?” I shot back. “Try living with him.”

Author's Note

If you'd like to know a bit more about the crazy adventure Twilight faced, check out The Umbral Shard.

As always, thanks to my pre-reading and editing team for all their hard work. Also, I would like to thank all my dedicated Patreon supporters. You guys are awesome.

Click here if you want to join the list of awesome people who support my writing.

Aaron Kevin Meighen
Aidan Hall
Batbrony
Benjamin McLaren
Borg Lord
Brion Wauters
Charles M. Hagmaier
Chris Hall
Christopher A Cope
Comma-Kazie
Creideiki
Cyanhyde
DaB.
Darkarma
Deep Cover
Dixie Daley
djthomp
Edmon Star
Emlyn Costilow
FallenAngelXy
Forderz
Jack
Jade Walters
Jessica T
Justin Emery
Karl Bragisen
MoistGooDragon
Patrick
Ponibius
Shank
Singularity Dream
Stephen
Steven Ilten
Sweet Gale
Trinary
waritah
Zennyth

Cliffhangers are Evil, but Fun

I was glad to head home after finishing up another day of work, or at least doing a ton of paperwork in the office while everypony else on the weather team did actual cloudbusting. Eepy and Blossom had gone to Canterlot for the day to restock on some of her animal supplies. Needless to say they’d vetoed the pregnant mare helping them carry fifty pound bags of birdseed, so I was by myself for the moment, having a snack. Of course, nopony was going to leave my pregnant self alone for too long; goodness knows what might happen. Fluttershy had already rearranged half her furniture to try and make things safer for me, and I’m pretty sure she was planning to add padding to all the sharp corners too.

I was in the middle of having that quick after-work snack when Derpy knocked on the door. She then sheepishly stepped over the door after it fell off its hinges. “I’ll take care of that later.” She cleared her throat and smiled at me, then blinked and did a quick double take. “Oh. I see the cravings are setting in.”

I frowned skeptically at her. “What are you talking about?”

“You know, cravings.” She nodded sagely. “The odd urge to eat foods you wouldn't normally eat? Lots of pregnant mares get them. Don’t forget the spinach-pickle-and-thyme muffins I made while I was carrying Dinky, and Mrs. Cake told me she went through half a bag of sugar while she was carrying her twins.”

“I know what cravings are, Derpaderp,” I grumbled halfheartedly. “I'm not having cravings, this is just a snack. Normal ponies have snacks.”

Derpy shot me a flat look, or as flat as she could with her eyes. “Cloud, you’re eating an entire loaf of bread.” She sniffed it a couple times, then grimaced. “And ... did you douse it in apple vinegar?”

I defensively tugged my bread protectively to my chest, to guard it against the mare who refused to acknowledge its tastiness. “What? It's good! Besides, I didn’t douse it. I marinated it.”

“Of course you did,” Derpy responded patiently with a placating smile. “Honestly, this is still pretty tame. Makes me curious to find out what the weird ones will be.”

“It's not a craving to eat things that normal ponies would agree taste good,” I grumbled under my breath. “Seriously, how can you say there’s something weird about what I’m eating when you’ve never even tried it? For all you know, it could be delicious.” I extended the half-eaten loaf of bread towards her.

Derpy sniffed it once more, then flinched back. “I'll pass, thanks. And sweetie, when have you ever eaten this before?”

“I just discovered it.” I’d been poking through the pantry for something that would make a good snack, and something about the bread and apple vinegar just ... called to me. “I can try new food. There's nothing weird about that.”

“Whatever you say, Cloud.” Derpy flopped back into one of Fluttershy’s comfy chairs, hitting me with a smile that was equal parts knowing and patiently indulgent. “Oh, fair warning, if you find yourself with a craving for wet cement, do not indulge it. It won’t end well. Just trust me on that.” She paused in thought, then flitted away to grab a trash can and set it in by the couch. “Just in case your body decides your very normal snack isn't what it wants. Believe me, I had that happen with those spinach-pickle-and-thyme muffins.”

I snickered. “I still can't believe you ate those.” I chomped down on my bread, only to get hit by a particularly potent wave of vinegar taste—like somepony took a sandblaster, filled it up with acid, and then turned it loose on my mouth. I gasped and wheezed, trying to remember how my lungs were supposed to work.

Derpy yelped and rushed to my side, knocking the trash can over in the process. “Cloud, are you okay? Can you breathe?!”

“F-Fi ... fine,” I gasped out, my eyes watering. “Although I think a little too much vinegar soaked into that bite.”

Derpy gently rubbed my back until I was more-or-less back to normal. “Okay, don’t worry, I have a bit of experience from the last time I tried cooking with vinegar. I thought the recipe said 2 tablespoons when it was actually half a teaspoon. Which at least wasn’t as bad as the time I grabbed the wrong spices while cooking for my parents. If I’d known Dad’s saffron was worth two thousand bits a pound...” She sighed and shook her head. “ Anyway, I'll get you something to drink.”

“Sounds good.” As soon as Derpy finished pouring me a glass of lemonade I gulped it down, my shoulders slumping in relief as the pain faded. “Oh ... oof. Thanks, Derpy.” I leaned against her, slowly relaxing as I forced myself to admit the ugly truth. “Okay, so maybe that was a little bit of a craving.”

“Oh, Cloud...” Derpy hugged me, but when she grabbed a napkin to dab at my eyes I quickly took it away from her. Not that I didn’t appreciate the gesture, but letting Derpy’s hooves near my eyes was just ... good intentions only counted for so much. Derpy accepted my caution with a chuckle and an understanding smile. “I'll spare you the ‘I told you so’ just this once, if only because I know exactly what you’re going through.”

“Thanks. Just don’t tell Rainbow.” Derpy might be merciful, but Rainbow would never let me hear the end of this. “So, what brings you by?”

“Aside from wanting to check up on my pregnant best friend?” She grinned and pulled off her saddlebags, setting them down on the table. “Dinky made you a batch of muffins, and if I didn’t get them over here they wouldn’t have made it through the night.” She opened up her bag and pulled out a container that was almost full, though one of the muffins was missing a rather large bite. “She wanted to make sure you two had plenty to eat. And, apparently, also wanted to make sure they were good enough for the two of you. Which, come to think of it...” She took the half-eaten muffin and polished it off. “Mmm ... yes ... you’ll be fine.”

I grinned and chuckled. “Nice of you two. Thanks.”

She smiled gratefully. “Oh yes, she's so excited for you. Okay, we all are, but she has the most time to bake, what with me helping Sparkler get ready for...” She trailed off, then sharply shook her head. “Yes, helping Sparkler. She’s quite busy. Anyway, do you mind if I…?” She slowly reached out towards my belly bump.

I rolled my eyes, but by now I was used to ponies rubbing my stomach like it was some sort of good luck charm. “Go for it.”

“Thanks.” She slowly and carefully rubbed my belly. It still felt weird to see that bump there, and know there was a kid inside it. Then again, this whole pregnancy thing felt weird. Derpy smiled wistfully. “This brings back so many memories...”

“I guess you were on the receiving end of a lot of this,” I conceded. Come to think of it, I’d almost certainly rubbed her baby bump a couple times myself, though I was far from the worst offender. “Rainbow couldn't keep her hooves off you.”

Derpy snickered and nodded. “Oh yes, she utterly spoiled me. And she's probably only going to be worse this time around.”

I grinned and flopped back on the couch. “Ooooh, I enjoy being pampered. I’ll have to take advantage of that.”

Derpy answered with a teasing grin, “Careful what you wish for. Rainbow doesn’t do things halfway, so if you try to get her to start pampering you...” She chuckled and shook her head. “But seriously, you're in for a good time. Be sure to bug her for a hoof massage, she’s surprisingly good at them.” Her smile turned wistful, her hoof slowing to rest on my stomach. “I remember the first time I noticed I was showing. Rainbow was so excited...” She sighed her hoof slowly shifting back to her own stomach. “I'd just finished a shower and didn't even think twice about my reflection until I felt it. Then I couldn't stop seeing it. It was the first time it really sank in, I think.” She stared at my stomach for a long moment, she sheepishly grinned at me. “Sorry, just ... it's a good memory for me.”

“Sounds cute.” A faint grimace flickered across my face. “And it sounds like you enjoyed being pregnant a lot more than I am.” I was starting to suspect that all the talk about how magical and wonderful pregnancy was came from mares talking with several years of nostalgia and hindsight between them and all the bloating, cramping, puking, and general soreness and crankiness. Not to mention Derpy got an amazing kid like Dinky out of the whole thing. For all I knew, I might end up pulling a Mom and having a kid who’s a huge disappoint—

No. Nope. Nuh-uh. That’s not happening. I have no idea what kind of mother I’ll be, but it won’t be one like Mom. I’m always going to be proud and supportive of my kid, no matter what they end up doing. Well, unless it’s something really messed up, and considering my genes are in the mix that’s a definite possibility.

Derpy carefully hugged me. “Sorry. Trust me, I remember the unpleasant parts too. But that’s only for a little bit, and once all that’s over you’ll have your child forever, I wouldn’t be thinking about going through it again if I didn’t think it was worth it.”

I hugged back, enjoying her pleasant muffiny scent. “No need to apologize, Derpaderp. Unless you somehow got me preggers...”

Derpy snorted and bopped me on the nose. “No, I think I'm a little outside of that timeframe. Well, unless we count you occasionally sneaking a peak at my butt.”

In my defense, it was a nice butt. Though if that was all it took to cause pregnancy, I would’ve been sitting on a huge litter of foals right now. “Point taken. I suppose you and Rainbow will just have to live with being honorary aunts. Or at least whoever loses the inevitable epic, drawn out, no-holds-barred, take-no-prisoners, fight-to-the-bitter-end battle over who will be my kid’s godmother will have to live with that.”

She chuckled softly. “I was planning to wait until cider season, let her drink her fill, then lock the bathroom door and refuse to give her the key until she surrenders.”

I whistled appreciatively. “Wow, you fight dirty. Just be careful, she is one of Ponyville’s best pranksters, and you can bet she’ll have some nasty tricks of her own up her sleeve. Not to mention how incredibly stubborn she can get.”

“Clearly somepony you want to be a major influence on your child’s life,” Derpy answered dryly, though her smile took any bite out of the remark. “Five bits says Rainbow’ll try to make the foal say her name for its first word.”

“No bet, I saw her do it with Dinky.” Like Derpy said, Rainbow doesn’t do things halfway. She went all out when it came to godmothering Dinky, to the point of almost being a second parent at times. “Rainbow's a big old sweet softie ... not that she'd ever admit it.”

“Certainly not where anypony might hear,” Derpy agreed. “Or without noogies, anyway.”

“Noogies are just Rainbow-ese for ‘I love you,’” I pointed out. “Or, ‘You're right but I'll never admit it.’ Or ‘I am asserting my dominance in our friendship by reminding you of how awesome I am.’ It’s a flexible language that way.”

“It really is.” Derpy tapped her chin thoughtfully. “Come to think of it, I bet she had an influence on how Dinky developed the universal language of the hug. I suppose that’s far from the worst influence Rainbow could have on her.”

“Yeah, at least she’s not trying to do some crazy death-defying stunts or put way too much effort into being cool.” I loved Rainbow to bits and thought she was great as a cool adult for kids to look up to, but that didn’t mean they should follow her example in every detail. “Speaking of the kids, I could use some dinner, if you don’t mind a houseguest.”

“Actually...” Derpy grinned and nudged me. “I figured you’d be eager to get a free meal out of me, so I had Dinky and Sparkler finish something up while I came by to check on you. Well, more like Sparkler asked me to go check on you after the ... um ... well let’s just say there won’t be any rice with this meal. So is it just you, or should I get some plates ready for Fluttershy and Blossomforth?”

“As far as I know, it's just me.” Fluttershy’s resupply trips to Canterlot usually ran pretty long, since she’d run across a dozen random things that would be just perfect for one of her animals. Besides, when it came to dinner they’d be silly to not take advantage of all the great restaurants in the city. Not that Ponyville’s dining was bad, but it didn’t have nearly as much variety.

Derpy smiled and shrugged. “More for the rest of us, then. So, looks like you’ve settled in quite nicely. How’s the foal’s room coming along?”

“It’s ... coming.” Truth be told, it was one of those things we hadn’t really gotten to taking care of yet. Especially since it would mean booting some of Fluttershy’s animals out of one of the rooms. Or rather, convincing Fluttershy to go along with booting her animals out of one of the rooms. Yeah, her pet bear might be a surprisingly friendly ball of fuzz, but that didn’t mean I wanted him sharing a room with a newborn.

“Right.” Derpy nodded along, “I’d offer to help, but...” She grinned sheepishly, not even bothering to point out the obvious.

“I understand completely,” I assured her. “You’d love to help, but we all remember what happened the last time you tried to help with remodeling.”

“Yeah, but we got the paint out of the carpet after a while.” She paused frowning to herself. “No wait, that was the time before last. Last time was ... you managed to fix the hole in the floor eventually, right? Or was that Town Hall…? In my defense, that building was in terrible shape before I touched it.”

“I think it’s not so much any one incident as it is the fact that there have been so many of them that they’ve all started to blur together,” I pointed out. “For what it’s worth, you will be our first choice if we ever want to start tearing a building down.”

She chuckled and nodded. “I suppose we might as well play to my strengths. Then again, knowing my luck if I tried to knock down a building on purpose it would end up somehow becoming completely indestructible.”

“Derp works in mysterious ways.” I conceded. If Derpy’s talent for accidental mayhem could be controlled and directed, it wouldn’t really be accidental mayhem anymore.

Any further speculation on the exact mechanics of Derpy’s derpy-ness came to an abrupt end with a sharp rap on the open frame of our front door. “Special delivery from Snark Industries, and our subsidiary Foalhugs Incorporated.”

I snickered and trotted over to welcome Derpy’s girls, stepping over the fallen front door. “Come on in, and dare I ask how you were able to buy out Dinky’s company?”

Sparkler smirked at me, “I bribed their CEO with cookies.”

Said CEO barreled through the door and latched onto my leg with one of her trademarked hugs. A hug that hit a little bit harder than it would have a few months ago. Dinky was starting to hit that age where every time I saw her I could swear she’d gained another centimeter. If this kept up Foalhugs Incorporated might start having some long-term problems with their business model.

“Hi Cloud!” she chirped up at me with an enthusiastic smile. Once I returned it, she shifted her focus to my foal-bump, nuzzling it. “Hey in there! I'm Dinky, and I love you! I can’t wait to meetcha so we can hug and play games and I can teach you all kindsa cool stuff like how tasty muffins are!”

Sparkler chuckled at her little sister’s antics, her horn glowing as she pulled a decent-sized pot out of her saddlebags. “Hey, Momma. Hope you're up for potato soup. We kinda had to improvise after a kitchen ... well, Mom probably told you.”

“I’m pretty familiar with how it goes, yeah.” I’d long since passed the point where the latest accident on Derpy’s part became just one of those boring facts of life. I’d say mentioning her mishaps was on par with discussing the weather, but since I’m a weatherpony discussing the weather is actually a fairly important thing for me. “So, potato soup, is it? Well I like that just fine, and it certainly smells good.”

“Mom figured you’d appreciate a free meal,” Sparkler snarked, levitating the pot into the kitchen. “Can’t have you running about barehooved and pregnant in the kitchen, it’s just too stereotypical. Besides, it gives us an excuse to visit our semi-co-godkid.”

“I dunno what it is anymore,” Dinky grumbled, releasing the hug so she could flail dramatically. “‘Cause I'm Rainbow's godkid an' Sparky's sister an' her niece an' now you're gonna have a foal an' Sparky's your kinda-daughter. But then she also gets all cootie-faced with your cousin Star, which means she’s...” She groaned and clutched her head. “I'm sooo confuuused. I dunno what I even am for your foal!”

I ruffled her mane. “You're Dinky. At this point, trying to hammer out the exact details of our half-literal, half-metaphorical and half-honorary family tree is just gonna lead to headaches.”

Sparkler frowned at me. “You know that means there’s three halves to it, right?”

“Explains why we all find it so confusing, doesn’t it?” I shot back.

She snorted and nodded. “Fair enough. I suppose just calling her Dinky is easier than sorta-sis.”

“Yeah, but I wanna be special,” Dinky pouted. “I’m already a Dinky for everypony, so for the baby I wanna be a super-special Dinky um ... something!”

“How about if I put you at the top of my foalsitter list?” I offered. Dinky would be at a good age for that by the time my kid got old enough to be trusted with a foalsitter.

Wow. That was weird to think about. I still wasn’t even completely used to the idea that I was having a kid at all, and here I was pondering who would foalsit for it once it was five years old. What next, worrying about college savings? Assuming my kid didn’t go to West Hoof, which was ... gah. Maybe I should just shelve that entire line of thought until I didn’t have company over. Or until college wasn’t a couple decades away.

Speaking of which... “How’s the college prep going, Sparks?”

She flicked a glance to her mother, then nodded. “Pretty good. Kinda leaning towards going with the School for Gifted Unicorns. No offense to West Hoof, but it’s kinda a school you only go to if you really wanna stick with the Guard. I’m not saying I might not go with that, but...”

“If you’re not one hundred percent sure, it makes sense to keep your options open,” Derpy cut in, her smile turning a touch brittle.

After a moment’s consideration I decided to play it safe and agree with her. Sparkler might have nicknamed me Momma, but they were still Derpy’s kids. “Yeah, my military science degree isn’t the best for job-hunting outside the Guard. I was lucky Rainbow could hook me up with a good job in a decently high-paying field.” Granted, I would’ve been a lot better off if I’d earned any of the usual veteran benefits instead of bailing on my service, but no use crying over past mistakes.

“S’what Mom keeps saying,” Sparkler murmured halfheartedly. “I dunno, it all makes sense and everything, s’just...”

“You’re a teenager, and thus instinctively driven to do the opposite of whatever your parental authority figures think would be best?” I suggested.

“I’d agree with you, but doing so would go against that instinct.” Sparkler shot a halfhearted glare my way, only to relent a second later. “Besides, s’not just that. It’s ... I dunno. S’a big decision, is all.”

Well, I certainly couldn’t argue with her on that point. My life probably would’ve turned out completely different if I’d gone somewhere other than West Hoof. Maybe I wouldn’t have had the big falling out with Mom, or wound up living in Ponyville. Maybe I wouldn’t have felt so pressured about going into the Guard if I hadn’t spent four years getting a military education. In light of that, I could hardly blame Sparkler for waffling a bit. In any case, my romantic history made it plain I was the last pony to give anyone grief over vacillating.

I ruffled Dinky’s mane to distract myself from more pointless pondering. “Anyway, speaking of my most awesome and cool friend, where's Rainbow at? Still hiding in a cloud making sure I don’t trip and fall on my stomach?”

“Yup!” Dinky announced, only to pause and frown a second later. “But I'm not supposed ta tell you that.”

“That explains why that one moved against the wind to follow us...” Sparkler murmured under her breath.

“Seriously?” I frowned skeptically at the two of them. “You know I was joking about that, right? Is she actually getting that worked up?”

“You remember what she was like when I was pregnant, don’t you?” Derpy chimed in. “Like the time she wanted to try and carry me everywhere because she was scared I might ... well, have a little accident. Or all the different health foods she tried to get me to eat. Thank goodness I managed to scare her off from that by asking her to eat it with me.” She chuckled and shook her head. “And even once Dinky was born ... well, there was the time Rainbow had a panic attack about not being a good enough godmother for her.”

“Okay, fair point.” I still wasn’t exactly used to worrywart Dash, since she was usually so laid back and easygoing. I guess the change was down to the fact that kids are serious business, or maybe it was just Rainbow’s way of showing she cared. Or maybe ... well, since having kids would be hard for her, maybe that was why she got so excited whenever somepony she knew was pregnant. Like a proxy thing or something.

“She's so silly sometimes.” Dinky hopped over to the kitchen, and a moment later hopped back out, almost effortlessly levitating a bowl full of steaming potato soup. “Are ya hungry, Cloud?” She was getting quite good with her magic, since none of it came close to spilling. Incidentally, one of the fun little details of living with Fluttershy was never needing to worry about food spills. Some critter would clean the food up within minutes.

“I wouldn't say no to some food.” I took a few spoonfuls of the soup, until inspiration struck. I tore off a chunk of apple vinegar soaked bread and dunked it into the soup. It was perfect; the soup took a bit of the bite out of all the vinegar, rendering it edible and delicious once more.

Derpy winced, while Sparkler directed a baffled look my way. Dinky, bless her heart, seemed to take my new culinary discovery in stride. It can’t have been the strangest thing she’d ever seen somepony eat in the House of Derp.

Sparkler finally broke the silence. “Am I going nuts, or is Cloud eating bread soaked in some really nasty-smelling stuff?”

“Going nuts would imply you’re not already crazy,” I pointed out. “Pretty sure the jury’s still out on that one. I mean, you do have all those teenage hormones bouncing around in your head, making you want to ... whatever it is crazy teenagers do these days. Do you still dress up in black and write terrible poetry about how dark, deep, or tortured you are, or did that go out of style?”

“More out of style than nylon bell-bottoms,” Sparkler said. “Nowadays, we skip the terrible clothes and put the hormones to work stress-testing stuff like silence spells with test subjects like Star. It saves on time, clothes, and embarrassing pictures that our parents would otherwise use against us in the future.”

Derpy groaned and put her hooves over her ears. “Sparkler, for the love of Celestia...”

Dinky frowned curiously at her sister. “What do you mean stress-testing silence spells with Star? Do you two just go into your bedroom and yell all night?”

“Something like that,” Sparkler tried very hard to hide her smirk, only to have it quickly wiped away by her mother’s disapproving glower.

“Anyway!” Derpy cut in before her daughter could cause any more havoc. “New subject ... um ... does anypony else see that strange cloud?” She pointed out the window, towards a cloud that had a tiny bit of rainbow mane poking out the top.

I jumped on the opportunity to defuse any potential family drama, especially since Derpy might blame me a bit for Sparkler’s attitude. To be fair, she never would’ve met Star if not for me, and I probably didn’t do much to encourage her to be ... well, less like me. Shadow knows I’d never intended to wind up being a role model, but somehow it had happened anyway.

So my motives weren’t entirely altruistic when I threw open the window and poked my head out. “You might as well come on in, Dash. You’re not fooling anypony, and besides, we’ve got plenty of free food.” I paused and glanced back to Derpy. “Well, unless you want to charge her for it.”

“No, we’re going to have leftovers anyway,” Derpy assured me. “After all, we wanted to have enough for Blossom and Fluttershy if they were here. So that should leave us just enough for Rainbow Dash.”

Dash made a valiant but utterly doomed attempt to pretend we hadn’t outed her. She ducked her bit of exposed mane back into cover, then raised her voice a few octaves. “No Rainbow here! I'm a cloud! Beep beep!”

Derpy snickered. “No, I'm pretty sure this is a Cloud.” She gave me a friendly little pat on the back. “A Cloud Kicker in point of fact. So if you are a cloud, then she’d probably want to kick you, wouldn’t she?”

“Bah.” Rainbow gave up and poked her head out of the cloud, then flitted down. “Okay, okay, ya got me. It’s not like I was really trying that hard to be sneaky anyway.” She flew in through the open window, pausing to check my soup bowl and sniff approvingly. “Hey everypony, this house just got cooler.”

She swooped over to Dinky, intending to scoop her up for some godmotherly hugs. However, her plan to swoop in and snatch up Dinky hadn’t quite accounted for Dinky’s recent growth. Instead of easily scooping the young filly up, Rainbow stopped in midair with a surprised grunt. She pulled it off on her second try, only to let out a loud wheeze as Dinky’s more noticeable weight settled onto her chest. I could see her straining a bit to keep the kid up, though Rainbow struggled to keep a straight face and stubbornly refused to acknowledge reality.

It wasn’t long before Dinky started wriggling in her grasp, which just made it even harder for Rainbow to keep her up. “Rainbow, uh, can you just—this is kinda ... not working so good.”

I couldn’t resist the glorious snarking opportunity that had just landed in my lap. “Oh no, Rainbow's forgotten how to hug. The world is ending.”

Rainbow rolled her eyes, but otherwise kept her attention on Dinky. After a few more failed attempts, she finally gave into the inevitable and acknowledged that Dinky had actually grown. She dropped down to the floor and gave her a more conventional hug rather than the sort she’d used ever since Dinky was tiny enough that her name was quite fitting.

Sparkler snickered at the scene. “At this rate, Dinky’s gonna need a new name. Wonder what size she’ll end up being anyway? Kinda hope it’s Big Mac sized, so her name still works. Just, y’know, it’d seem ironic instead of literal.”

Rainbow snorted and shook her head. “Would be kinda funny, but I don’t see it happening. I mean, Derpy’s not freakishly huge or anything, and neither is anypony on ... er, the other side of her family.” She frowned and shook her head. “Okay, Twi’s a little tall now, but that only happened after she became an alicorn. By that standard, she’s still tiny. Cadance is a head taller than her, and let’s not even talk about Celestia and Luna.”

“Not to mention my cousin’s still taller than her without any alicorn-ness,” I pointed out. “Hay, I’m about the same height, and I probably weigh more.” I immediately put up a hoof to cut off Rainbow’s inevitable response. “Don’t. Just ... don’t.”

“It’s not fun when you make it that easy,” she answered. “Besides, we both know you’d blame it on the baby bump, even though you were heavier than she was way before you got preggo.” She smirked, then turned her attention to my guests. “So, you guys checking on the Cloud-kid?”

“Hay yeah,” Sparks answered with a grin. “Since Cloud’s kinda my honorary mom, makes her kid my sorta-sibling, right?” She paused, frowning to herself. “The newest one. My list of semi-honorary siblings and blood relatives is a bit confusing right now.”

“They’re also feeding me,” I pointed out, “since apparently nopony approves of my diet.”

Derpy answered me with a flat look. “That's because nopony eats bread doused in apple vinegar. You even admitted you were just having a weird craving. And while I completely empathize with what you’re going through right now and don’t blame you for indulging a craving, you really should eat some proper food.”

“I am,” I dunked my bread in the soup once more. “See, look at me eating your delicious soup along with my delicious bread.”

Rainbow frowned skeptically at my meal. “Uh ... yeah, I see that. So, looks like you’re doing pretty good so far.”

I nodded along. “Pretty good, aside from all the ponies not believing in my snacks.” I tore off a bit of bread and offered it to her. “Seriously, try some of this, it’s great.”

Rainbow sniffed the bread, then scooted back. “I'll pass, thanks. Also, you never get to say anything bad about my cooking again. Ever.”

Sparkler smirked at me and nodded approvingly. “Getting more soup for yourself by poisoning the competition? I guess that's one way to do it, though you usually wanna try to be more subtle about it. Offer Rainbow something she’d want to eat; I’d use muffins or cookies for Dinky.” She paused, then hastily added. “Er, hypothetically. Just doing a thought exercise.”

“Brattydumb Sparky,” Dinky grumbled. “I’m not eatin’ anythin’ you give me ever again.”

“So that means I get all the muffins and cookies to myself?” Sparks declared, her smirk widening triumphantly. “After all, you never know what I mighta messed with. Mwahaha! My master plan has finally succeeded!”

Dinky grimaced as she tried to find a way out of the dilemma. Either she let Sparkler have all the good food, or she risked letting herself be poisoned. In the end, she took the only solution she could find: she appealed to a higher power. “Mooom! Rainbow! Sparky’s bratting again! Make her stop bein’ a brat!”

Derpy chuckled and shook her head. “What do you think I’ve been doing for the last five years, muffin?” She turned to me, playfully glaring. “See what you did, Cloud? You just had to inspire my daughter with a new idea for mischief.”

“In my defense, historical precedent indicates that Sparkler would’ve come up with something just fine on her own, and my cousins are proof that sibling rivalries can be intense and extend well into adulthood without any outside encouragement.” I shook my head. “Besides, the poison thing is a weak link anyway. Seriously, if you just tried this bread you'd agree it's great.”

Rainbow answered me with a flat look. “Cloud, if you weren't pregnant and riding the hormone and craving crazy train right now, you'd think it was awful and think anyone who liked it was halfway around the bend.”

“Bah,” I took another bite of delicious bread. “I'm surrounded by culinary cowards.”

“I'll try some!” Dinky chirped out, abandoning Rainbow to trot over to my side. “Gramma says you should always try everything once to be nice.”

“She ... does say that,” Derpy conceded, before hastily amending. “Muffin, I think we can make an exception for this.”

I wasn’t about to let Derpy kill my momentum. “That's my Dinky, bravest one here.” I smirked at Rainbow. “Way braver than a certain fearlessly awesome mare who happens to be in this room right now.”

Dash rolled her eyes. “I just know the difference between courage and stupidity.”

Instead of answering her, I decided to let my actions speak for themselves. I tore off a chunk of bread and passed it to Dinky. She sniffed it, then very cautiously took a bite out of it. Her eyes widened, she shivered a bit, and then very hastily swallowed. “Um ... wow.” Her voice came out as a faint wheeze. “That’s really, really good, Cloud. So good I don’t wanna eat another bite of it, ‘cause that’d ruin how good the first bite was.” She smiled shakily up at me, while trying to surreptitiously get what was left of the bread into the trashcan.

I might’ve been a bit craving-addled, but I could tell she was just trying to spare my feelings. “Thanks, Dinky.” I gave her mane a quick pat, then turned to the others. “Um ... maybe it's something kids don't go for? You know, an acquired taste like coffee?”

Rainbow scoffed at me. “Sure, blame the kids for your weird food tasting horrible.”

Sparkler sighed and shook her head. “Yeah, Dinks, you might wanna remember that Gramma eats weird foods sometimes.” She winced and stuck out her tongue. “Remember that time she had us try caviar?”

Dinky coughed and nodded, still trying to keep her brave face up despite the tears leaking out of her eyes and other mounting evidence that she hated the bread. Derpy’s maternal instincts kicked in, sending her to the fridge to pick up some lemonade for her daughter. “Here you go, Muffin. This’ll make it go away.”

“‘Anks,” she whimpered out, taking the drink and chugging it down. Sparkler took advantage of the opening to snatch away the bread and toss it out the window. Some of Fluttershy’s animals would probably take care of it. Hay, maybe I’d get lucky and Angel would try to eat some. Couldn’t happen to a nicer hellspawn in rabbit form.

Rainbow pointedly cleared her throat and changed the subject away from Dinky’s suffering. “So, Cloud, how's your family been treating you?”

“They've been doing pretty good.” I grinned and nudged Sparkler. “Of course, Star’s mostly coming by to see her marefriend, but she checks up on me while she’s here. I run into Storm pretty often too, what with her being Twilight’s bodyguard and all that. Plus Dad's been coming by a lot more.” I paused, a slight frown crossing my face. “Though part of that’s probably because his girlfriend is working with Twilight. Good thing the Magus Corps is in an odd place when it comes to chain of command, or having his girlfriend be under the command of his niece would lead to all kinds of complications.”

“Yeah...” Rainbow sighed and shook her head. “You okay with that? Looks like you’re still kinda not cool with your dad dating.”

“I’m dealing with it.” What more could I say? It’s not like I could be instantly one hundred percent accepting of Dad dating a much younger mare, or any mare for that matter. I knew it wasn’t exactly fair or rational for me to be grouchy about it, but I was a pregnant mare hopped up on hormones: I was allowed to be unfair and irrational.

Rainbow apparently agreed with me, since she decided not to press the issue. “Guess that’s all anypony can ask. So are you feeling any better? I mean with the bloating and the aches and morning sickness and all that?”

“Morning sickness has died down, at least.” The rest of it was just as nasty as before, if not worse, but I was trying to focus on the positive.

“Don't get too comfortable,” Derpy cautioned. “It can come back at a moment's notice, and there’s no warning what might set you off. Especially when your cravings start getting weirder.” She frowned and held up a hoof. “Also, try not to indulge all of the cravings you get, okay? Some of them can get disturbing.”

“Like spinach and thyme muffins.” Rainbow cut in, shooting a meaningful look Derpy’s way.

“Spinach, pickle, and thyme,” I corrected. “You can't leave out the pickles, they're what pulls the whole thing together. Gotta have your sweet and salty in there.”

Rainbow grimaced. “Cloud, you’re assuming those muffins were ever supposed to work in any sense of the word, other than satisfying Derpy’s crazy pregnancy cravings. Trying to apply any kind of logic to them misses that they’re inherently illogical.”

Sparkler grinned mischievously. “Hey, had an idea, maybe you could blend the muffins in with some ice cream for a preggo-smoothie?”

Dinky whined and shook her head. “Sparky, I’m already feeling barfy, so quit talkin’ about more gross stuff.”

“Easy solution to that,” Rainbow assured her. “Just aim for Sparkler, Dinks.”

“Rainbow, don’t encourage them,” Derpy grumbled good-naturedly. “They poke at each other enough without anypony egging them on.” She turned a playful glower on me. “I’m going to blame your cousins for this. They never had any sibling rivalry before Sparkler started dating Star, and now look at them.”

I grinned and shook my head. “Pretty sure there were sibling antics going on before Star entered the picture, and in any case that kind of thing is inevitable. It’s rare to find siblings who never poke fun at each other.” Alula and I were a bit of an exception to the general rule, but that was honestly because we probably weren’t as close as we should be. Blame it on her not being born until I was an adult who was already out of the house. We’d missed out on a lot of the crazy growing up together antics most siblings go through.

Sparkler retreated out of Dinky’s barfing range, scampering over to my side. “I hope you're feeling good about your aim, ‘cause you’d be in big trouble if you got all barfy over Momma as well as me.”

Dinky scowled at her sister, then shook her head. “I’ll getcha later.” She turned to Rainbow with a surprisingly evil grin for such a cute but not-quite-so-little-anymore filly. “We can plan somethin’ together, right?”

“You know it.” She smirked at Sparkler while ruffling Dinky’s mane. Apparently she did take Derpy’s request to heart though, because instead of stirring the pot a bit more she shifted back to me. “Any thoughts about the kid’s name? Rainbow Dash Jr is still an option. Just throwing that out there for your consideration.”

I rolled my eyes at the inevitable Dash-ego, though I was reasonably certain she wasn’t serious about that. “I’ll keep that in mind. Anyway, no solid ideas about the name yet.”

“Guess it would be tricky to find something that goes good with Kicker that Blossom and Fluttershy would both like.” Rainbow frowned to herself, mulling the issue over in her head. “I remember Fluttershy suggesting Bunny, but then Blossom said that made it sound like she kicked bunnies. Same thing for naming the kid after any other cute animal.” She pouted. “And when I tried to help none of you went for Awesome Kicker or Sonic Kicker or Vortex Kicker, despite those being great names.”

“Oh, or what about Snuggle Kicker?” Dinky chimed in. “Or Strawberry Kicker or Sunshine Kicker or Rainbow Kicker or—”

“We’ve got plenty of time to figure something out,” I assured them. “Thanks for the suggestions, though. I’ll run a couple of them by Eepy and Blossom, see what they think.”

“How’re they doing anyway?” Rainbow asked. “I kinda wanted to run some work stuff by Blossom when I could grab her.”

“They’re...” I hesitated as I thought back to the rather heated discussion we’d had the other day. “Good. They're good.”

Rainbow surprised me by throwing a rather thoughtful look my way. “‘Good’ huh? Anything you wanna talk about?”

I sighed and shook my head. “Nothing going wrong with us, it’s just ... well Fluttershy's not wild about Twilight's plans to upgrade the Guard. Blossom’s backing her up on that, and I’m pretty sure you can guess what side of the issue I’m on. Got a little heated.”

“Oof. That's...” Derpy sighed and shook her head. “See, this is why talking about politics never ends well. I hope things work out once everypony’s had some time to settle down. Equestria’s national security does sort of depend on the strength of their friendship.”

“Yeah...” Rainbow sighed and shook her head. “Fluttershy might be one of my oldest gal pals, but she can get a little ... um ... well when she really gets passionate about something, she doesn’t always think things through.”

Sparkler cut in with a confused frown. “Wait, what's going on with Twilight’s guard?”

“She’s expanding it,” I explained. “Storm was never supposed to be the only one, she just needed a while to hammer out plans with Twilight. Apparently one of the things they want to do is start up patrols in the Everfree, make it a bit safer for ponies.”

“Oh.” A second later Sparks figured it out. “Oh. I guess she’s not wild about the idea of the patrols hurting cute, innocent little pony-eating manticores and hydras?

“Pretty much,” Rainbow agreed. “She’s great and all, but sometimes I think that if a manticore ate somepony and choked on the bones, she’d yell at the pony for not being more considerate of the poor innocent little manticore.”

Dinky frowned thoughtfully. “But why can't they just not go there? That way they could have the patrols without making Miss Fluttershy mad.”

I sighed and shook my head. “The whole point of patrolling the Everfree is to deal with the dangerous monsters there. They can’t do their job without going into the forest.”

“But there’s always been dangerous monsters there,” Dinky pointed out.

Sparkler nodded patiently. “Yeah Dinks, but there hasn’t always been a princess right next door to ‘em. Ponyville’s gonna get a lot bigger now that Twilight’s royalty. The town’s gonna be expanding a lot, and all those ponies need somewhere to go. Especially if anypony else wants to start a new farm. Applejack, Carrot Top, and the other local farmers have taken up all the good farmland as it is. S’nowhere to put a new farm without carving the land out of the forest.”

“Yeah, the monsters have been a problem for a long time,” I agreed. “It’s something that should’ve been handled a while ago, and now that Twilight’s a princess she can move all the resources around to make that happen.”

“Huh.” Dinky frowned thoughtfully, hugging Rainbow while she mulled it over. “I guess it’d be nice to not hafta hide from stuff like Tirek.”

“Exactly.” Derpy sighed, shuffling uncertainly. “Don't tell Fluttershy I said this, but I agree with Twilight. I don’t like the idea of there being monsters who can come charging out of the forest with almost no warning and put my little girls in danger.”

“Yeah...” Rainbow protectively draped a wing around Dinky. “Fluttershy thinks that monsters are just misunderstood puppies and kittens. If you just reason with them, they’ll totally stop trying to eat everypony they come across. She doesn't ... doesn't always appreciate how dangerous and mean some animals can be. Like Angel.”

That got a round of snickers out of everyone. “Point to Rainbow,” Sparkler commented, giving her a hoof bump.

Rainbow shrugged immodestly. “Hey, I'm just telling it like it is.”

I nodded along. “Gotta admit, I'm glad Eepy took the little tartarus-spawn with her on her trip to Canterlot. Being stuck alone with him all day would not be fun.”

Derpy sighed and shook her head. “I don't know how she’s put up with him all these years.”

“He’s not even the worst friend she’s got anymore,” Rainbow groused. “Compared to Discord, Angel’s not all that bad. Now if we could just find a way to turn them against each other...”

“Eepy doesn’t have the best taste in friends,” I conceded.

Sparkler smirked at me. “You realize you just burned yourselves and Mom, right?”

“She's gotcha there,” Dinky chirped out, grinning at Rainbow. “I think this is the part where you noogie her.”

Rainbow promptly complied, though a lot more carefully than she usually would. Not that I went easier on her because of that. “Noogieng a pregnant mare. Shame.”

She hesitated for a long moment before getting back to it. “You're not carrying the baby in your head. Way too thick.”

Despite being subjected to more scalp massages, I chuckled. “Glad you paid enough attention in school to remember where pregnant mares carry their kids.”

Derpy snickered at us, shaking her head and taking on a chiding, almost motherly tone. “Now now, you two...”

Dinky gasped, then rushed over to tackle one of Rainbow’s hind legs. “Rainbow! You were supposed to noogie Sparky, not Cloud!”

“Yeah, but Cloud’s more fun to go after,” Rainbow countered, giving my head one last rub for emphasis before showing mercy, dropping her leg to casually rest around my shoulders. “‘Sides, I don’t like taking sides in the grand sibling wars. Look what happened when I got mixed up with Star and Storm’s whole thing.”

Dinky released Rainbow’s leg, whirling on her sister with an evil grin as she remembered Sparkler’s downfall in the great prank war. “Hi! Hey! Hello! List—”

Dinky’s verbal assault came to an abrupt end as Sparkler hit her with a silence spell. “No. None of that, Dinks. Next time you try that, you’ll be communicating in mime for a week.”

“Dinky, no traumatizing your sister,” Derpy called out with exaggerated patience. “Sparkler, no turning your sister into a mime. I think we can all agree that either one of those things constitutes a crime against equinity.” She sighed and shook her head. “Mimes ... that’s just going too far, Sparkler. There are lines we don’t cross. Especially with family.”

“Noted.” Sparkler released the spell on Dinky, who had the decency to not immediately resume the attack. She turned to me. “So, uh ... you have any projects you guys need some help with? You know, stuff Mom shouldn't do, for obvious reasons?”

“Well, there's the baby's room,” I suggested, “but that's a while off yet. I’m not even past the halfway point of this thing.” I blinked, dropping my hoof down to my belly. “Oh Shadow, I’m not even past the halfway point. This is gonna take forever...”

“It’s really not that bad, Cloud,” Derpy assured me with a smile. “After a while you just get used to all the unpleasant parts of it, and focus on the good things.”

“Like getting an awesome kid,” Rainbow pointed out, patting Dinky demonstratively. “C’mon, stop being such a whiner. I’m not saying all the morning sickness and stuff isn’t hard, but it’s all worth it. Right, Derpy?”

Derpy grinned and nodded. “I’m thinking about going through it again, despite knowing exactly what I’d be in for. That should tell you a lot about how much it’s worth it.”

“Or that you’ve gotten nostalgic, and forgotten just how rough all this is,” I countered. “Just saying, that’s also a valid explanation. Not that Dinky isn’t great and all, but it’s a lot easier to talk about how it’s worth it when you’ve got a great kid in front of you, while all the bloating, soreness, puking, and getting up five times a night to use the bathroom is a distant memory.”

“She’s got a point there,” Sparkler agreed. “But anyway, I figured I should offer to help you out now, since I'll be doing the college thing soon. I’ll try and get off for a bit to be here for the big day, but I am gonna miss the last couple months of it all.”

“Yeah, that is coming up.” I noticed Derpy’s smile turning brittle again, and figured it might be a good idea to change the subject. “So ... uh ... what did you want to talk to Blossom about, Rainbow?”

“Just some work stuff,” she answered with a bored hoofwave. “Nothing too big, just that now that I’m in the Wonderbolt Reserves and you’ve got the whole kid thing going on, she’s kinda gonna have a lot more on her plate. I was kinda thinking maybe she ought to just take over the weather team completely.”

I frowned. “So ... wait, are you promoting her over me?” Despite the fact that I had years of experience and seniority over Blossom. Not to mention that, while Blossom was a great manager when it came to the technical side of things, I liked to think I was a bit better when it came to getting everypony to work together.

Rainbow hesitated, not quite meeting my eyes. “Uh ... not exactly. I’m just saying, somepony has to run things while I’m not around and you’re on maternity leave. Blossom’s kinda the obvious choice, right?”

“Right.” Despite the fact that I was objectively more qualified. And Rainbow was one of my best friends. Not to mention... “Fine. Whatever.”

Things got very quiet. Very, very quiet. Rainbow stared at me, shuffling awkwardly on the sofa, opening and closing her mouth a few times. Derpy didn’t seem all that eager to look at me either, while Sparkler seemed to have found something fascinating of Fluttershy’s bookshelf.

Derpy finally broke the silence, digging into her saddlebags. “I almost forgot ... I brought your mail when I came out here. Should’ve given it to you right away, but one thing led to another and I got sidetracked.”

“Oh, right.” I took the mail, grateful for any distraction I could get. I sorted through it all, tossing out a pamphlet for Mayor Mare’s re-election campaign and another advertisement from Barnyard Bargains. Another letter from Zephyr too, which was sure to put Fluttershy in a mood when she got home. Only one thing that was of immediate interest to me. “Oh yay, test results from my visit to Redheart.”

“Didja pass?” Dinky asked innocently.

Derpy snickered and rubbed her mane. “It's a different type of test, Muffin.”

I tore open the letter, trying to ignore the way everypony eagerly leaned in to see the results. “Relax, it’s really not that interesting. Just the usual checkup. The only new stuff was checking for a few genetic disorders. Kinda have to test for everything, since we don’t know what Blossom’s family history is. Blossom already got checked for all that too, but never hurts to be too careful about it.”

I flicked through all the paperwork, confirming exactly what I’d expected. A whole lot of boring nothing. When I was going to Redheart all the time, there weren’t really any surprises with my checkups. I was starting to suspect all the tests she was putting me through were really just a way to generate extra work for the labponies. Finally, I got to the one actually interesting part of it. “Okay, genetic testing. Good ... good ... good ... oh horseapples!”

Rainbow and Derpy immediately rushed to my side, staring down at the letter. “What is it?” Rainbow asked, snatching the letter away from me. “Is something wrong with the kid?”

I groaned and ran a hoof down my face. “I told Redheart I didn't want ... dammit, somepony at the lab screwed up!” I shook my head, then took the papers back from Rainbow with a heavy sigh. “I know who my baby's sire is.”

“Oh.” A second later the full implications of that dawned on Rainbow. “Oh! Oh feath—” She quickly cut herself off, glancing over at Dinky.

Dinky, for her part, stared up innocently at me. “So who is it?”

I took a deep breath, then told them.

Author's Note

As always, thanks to my pre-reading and editing team for all their hard work. Also, I would like to thank all my dedicated Patreon supporters. You guys are awesome.

Click here if you want to join the list of awesome people who support my writing.

Aaron Kevin Meighen
Aidan Hall
Batbrony
Benjamin McLaren
Borg Lord
Brion Wauters
Charles M. Hagmaier
Chris Hall
Christopher A Cope
Comma-Kazie
Creideiki
Cyanhyde
DaB.
Darkarma
Deep Cover
Dixie Daley
djthomp
Edmon Star
Emlyn Costilow
FallenAngelXy
Forderz
Jack
Jade Walters
Jessica T
Justin Emery
Karl Bragisen
MoistGooDragon
Patrick
Ponibius
Shank
Singularity Dream
Stephen
Steven Ilten
Sweet Gale
Trinary
waritah
Web of Hope
Zennyth

Awkward Answers

Eepy and Blossom got back from Canterlot a couple hours later. Everyone else had cleared out by then, leaving me alone with a bucket load of worries. A very, very big bucket. More like a huge water tower than a bucket. Maybe I was getting a bit lost in the metaphor, but that was a welcome distraction from worrying about how Eepy and Blossom would take the news.

I trot-waddled out to greet the two of them, forcing a welcoming smile onto my face. “Hey, Fluttershy. How was the trip to Canterlot? Get everything you needed for your critters?”

Fluttershy beamed and shifted a couple bags of feed so she could nuzzle me. “Hi, Cloud. Everything went fine, thank you.”

Blossom grunted and headed for the house, carrying her own load. “Yeah, had to look around a bit since Fluttershy’s usual supplier was low on birdseed, but otherwise it was pretty smooth. Anything happen while we were out?”

“Nah.” I certainly didn’t want to bring that up just yet. Maybe once I had time to figure out the best way to gently break the news. Or I could just burn the letter and never tell them about it. Too bad the coverup probably wouldn’t work now that Dinky, Derpy, Sparkler, and Rainbow already had the news. Not that I was afraid any of them would just randomly blab about my secrets, but everypony knows that the more ponies there are who know a secret, the more likely it is that one of them will let something slip. Dinky was just a kid, Sparkler was dating my cousin and might spill the beans to her, Pinkie was sharp enough to notice if Rainbow was holding something back from her, and Derpy ... well, accidents happen. Bottom line, the news was coming out sooner or later, and Blossom and Eepy deserved to hear it from me.

And I would definitely tell them. Eventually.

I nuzzled Eepy a bit more, then gave her a quick kiss. “I love you so much. I should say that a lot more often than I do. Really, you’re just so great.”

Fluttershy gently returned my affection. “I love you too, Cloud.”

Blossom dropped off her bags then trotted over to the two us, grinning. “Well well, looks like somepony’s in a lovey mood today.”

“I’m always lovey.” I grinned, and Blossom moved in for a kiss of her own. I got that out of the way, then snuggled back up with Fluttershy, leaning against her. “I guess I did miss you a lot. Derpy and the girls came by to check on me, Rainbow too. But ... well, none of them were you. Have I told you that you look great today, Eepy?”

“Um, no, considering we just got home.” Eepy’s cheeks warmed up a bit. Even after all the time we’d been together, she still got modestly blushy whenever I complimented her. Like most of the things she did, it was adorable. I really was a lucky mare to have a such a wonderful, beautiful pony like Fluttershy in my life. She deserved everything I could do to make her happy.

Blossom smirked and nudged both of us. “You always look good, Fluttershy. Even when we’re a bit ruffled up from going to Canterlot.”

“Being ruffled just makes her look even better.” I grinned and hugged Eepy. “Okay, that does it. The animals have all been fed, and you have the day off. I’m stealing you away and locking you in the bedroom for the next couple hours.”

Fluttershy giggled softly and nodded, while Blossomforth rolled her eyes. “I suppose we should’ve known Cloud would be in the mood. Hope you can keep a lid on it for five minutes until we’re done putting everything up.”

I thought it over for a second, then tightened my grip on Fluttershy. “Nope, I have too many pregnancy hormones, and my self-control was never all that great to begin with. Looks like you’ll have to put everything all by yourself.” I undid Eepy’s saddlebags and let everything fall to the floor. “Mmm, Flutterbutter, I forgot how soft your coat is. Did you stop by the spa on your way back from Canterlot?”

“Um, no.” She slowly pulled away from me. “Cloud, did you hear what Blossomforth said?”

“Yeah, I heard her.” I grinned at both of them. “And I answered. Sorry, but there are no brakes on the Bang Train. There’ll always be a next time, but right now Eepy needs some special Cloud loving time.”

“Cloud...” Fluttershy gently slipped out of my grip. “Why don’t you want Blossom participating, and why do you think I need special attention?”

Blossom’s eyes narrowed. “Okay, something’s bugging you. You’re jumping all over Fluttershy, and as much as I can’t fault your taste, I don’t think it’s just because you think she’s beautiful and you love her. This is one of those things where you use sex to try and avoid dealing with what’s really bothering you, isn’t it?”

“No it’s not,” I grumbled. “What are you even talking about? You know me, crazy bang-mare who likes to bang the bangs bangingly. Between that and the pregnancy hormones, it’s surprising I haven’t locked you two in the bedroom for a nonstop marathon.”

“Stop dodging.” A hint of a warning growl entered Blossom’s voice. “Why are you ignoring me and giving Fluttershy extra attention?”

I groaned and rolled my eyes. “Jealousy doesn’t look good on you, Blossom.”

“She’s not being jealous, Cloud.” Fluttershy stepped over to her, leaving me all on my own. “I noticed it too, and I’m ... I want to know what’s wrong so we can fix it.”

I sighed and ran a hoof down my face. “Look, nothing’s going on, okay? I was just being nice to you. Why does that have to have some crazy deeper meaning?”

Blossom frowned and her ears wilted. “Wait, you said Rainbow came by while we were out, didn’t you? She told you about the promotion thing?”

That hadn’t exactly been on my mind, but the reminder didn’t help my mood in the slightest. “Oh. Right. That.”

Eepy looked between the two of us. “What’s going on? What promotion?”

Blossom sighed and started putting things away. “It’s work stuff. With Rainbow being in the Wonderbolt Reserves and going on map missions, she’s been missing even more time with the weather service. Between that and Cloud being on light duty for now with full maternity leave coming up, I’ll pretty much be running things on my own a lot of the time.”

“And if Blossom’s more-or-less the de facto manager, why not just make it official?” I finished for her. “All perfectly reasonable and logical.” I tried to smile. “Congrats, Blossom.”

Judging by the worried look Eepy and Blossom shared, my smile must not have been very convincing. Fluttershy made the first move, her eyes wide and a worried frown on her face. “Cloud, is there something you want to talk about? You know you can trust both of us to understand, and we just want you to be happy.”

Ouch, it was too late in the day to deal with a Grade-A Fluttershy guilt trip. “Uh...” I shuffled on my hooves, trying to break contact with those big, sad, pleading eyes. “No, nothing. Everything’s fine, promise.”

Blossom clearly wasn’t buying it. “Look, I’ll understand if you’re unhappy about being passed over for promotion. You have seniority over me, and I can’t help but wonder if you’d be the one getting the job if not for the pregnancy. I’ll understand if you’re grumpy about it, but taking it out on me and refusing to talk to us when we ask you to is not the right way to handle it.”

I groaned and ran a hoof down my face. “Okay, I’m not wild about getting passed over because I’m pregnant, even if I get that Rainbow can’t put me in charge of the weather team at a time when I’m not physically capable of doing that job. But that's a beef between me and Rainbow, not...”

“Me?” Blossom finished. “Which would be why you’re passive-aggressively trying to push me out of the bedroom while giving Fluttershy extra attention.” She sighed and shook her head. “If you want to, we can sit down and talk with Rainbow about it. You know she wasn’t setting out to upset you. If anything, she was trying to help you. She just wants to put me in a position where I can take more of the workload off your hooves and deal with anything that might cause you extra stress. We all know that’s the last thing you need right now.”

I shrugged. “I guess, yeah.” Even I could tell my heart wasn’t in that answer.

Blossom scowled at me. “Cloud, for the love of—” She cut herself off, taking a deep breath and forcing an understanding smile back onto her face. “Will you actually talk to me about this? I’m trying to work this out, and you’re not giving me anything.”

“Blossom, there’s nothing to work out.” I groaned and flopped onto the couch. “You got the promotion, I didn’t. Oh well. I wasn’t even thinking about that until you brought it up, and if it’s bugging me now it’s only because you won’t stop talking about it.”

She flinched back, and I wondered if I’d gone a little too far. She rallied pretty quickly. “Alright, fine. If it’s not about the promotion, then what is it?”

Oh dammit, now I was caught between a rock and a hard place, and not in a good way. I knew I’d have to tell them eventually, but I’d kind of been hoping to have a bit more time to build up to it. Like several months. Perhaps if I worked hard enough at ignoring the problem it would eventually just magically go away on its own.

What? It could happen.

Fluttershy settled onto the couch and gently wrapped her wing around me. “It’s okay. We want to hear whatever’s bothering you. Take it nice and slow if you have to.”

I reluctantly settled into her gentle, nurturing embrace. “It's really not a big deal...”

“If it wasn’t a big deal, we wouldn’t have spent the last fifteen minutes talking about it,” Blossom countered. “So since it is a big deal, let’s just get it out in the open and dealt with.”

Fluttershy nodded along with Blossom, but phrased her response a bit more gently. “I’m sure it’s not, Cloud, but how about you go ahead and tell us anyway? I’m sure it won’t seem so bad once you get it out in the open.”

Great, they were double-teaming me again. When I’d started up this whole three-way thing I hadn’t expected there’d be so much time when it was both of them working me over. Well, not working me over like this. Considering I was outnumbered and out-reasonabled, there wasn’t much I could do but give in. “It’s ... promise you guys won’t make a big deal out of this?”

Fluttershy smiled understandingly. “I’m sure we won’t. We just want to help you.”

Blossom gave me a quick pat on the back. “Trust me, I don’t want a bunch of drama either—I’ve already had enough of that for one lifetime. The whole reason we’re talking this out now is so we don’t have a lot of drama later.”

“Okay.” I took a deep breath and mentally prepared myself to drop the bomb. “It’s ... um ... dunno how to say this...”

“Probably best to just spit it out,” Blossom suggested. “I don’t want to spend half an hour waiting for you to find the exact right way to say whatever you’re trying to say.”

She had a point there. The news was going to hit pretty hard no matter what. Maybe it was one of those things where it was best to just get it over with? I took another breath, then finally told them the news. “The lab found out which one of you is the sire. There was some sort of mix-up and they did the test.”

Fluttershy’s hooves flew to her mouth. “Oh dear, so you know...”

“Yeah.” I sighed, slumping down into the cushions. “Got the test results in the mail today, and when I looked them over ... well, there it was, written down plain as day.”

Blossom groaned and massaged her temples. “Well isn’t that just great? We specifically told them that we didn’t want to know that! No wonder you’ve been acting weird.”

“Yeah, I guess somewhere along the paperwork chain they lost the ‘not’ in ‘Do not do this.’” That had happened once or twice in my years at the weather service. Of course, this was a bigger deal than accidently sending a few rain clouds to the wrong place. “So ... yeah. Do you guys want to know now, or should I just…?”

Blossom settled in on my opposite side. “I said before I didn’t want to know, and I would’ve been perfectly fine tearing up that letter unread. But now that you know ... well, that changes things. Doesn’t seem fair to make you deal with that all on your own.”

“It’s obviously bothering you,” Eepy agreed. “We should work through this together, just like we do with all our problems.”

“Right.” No way out of it now. I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t fall for me trying to escape through the bathroom window again, which was a pretty tempting option right now. It certainly sounded a lot better than saying, “Okay. So then. The truth. It’s ... um ... well...” I tried to smile and put a positive spin on it. “Congrats, Blossom.”

Fluttershy’s ears slowly wilted, her entire body deflating like a leaky balloon. “Oh.” She didn’t say anything else, but that one word said plenty.

Blossom shifted over to hug Fluttershy. “Hey, we knew it was basically a coin flip for who was the sire, right? It was just luck of the draw.”

Eepy slowly shook her head. “Of course, I understand that. I know it’s not like Cloud’s not ... that it means she loves you more than me or something.” She took a deep breath and smiled a bit shakily. “And really, I’m fine. It’s just ... I didn’t expect to find out the truth like this, is all.”

I suspected she wasn’t nearly as fine as she claimed, having recently pulled the exact same line myself. However, I really didn’t want to push the matter right now. Or ever, if I’m honest. I decided to focus on something a bit safer than Eepy’s hidden disappointment. “I can’t believe the hospital ran the test after we told them not to. Someone’s losing their job for this feather-up.”

Blossom scowled and nodded. “Damn right they are. Seriously, there’s no reason to even do a paternity test unless somepony asks for one. This is the kind of screw-up that could really end up hurting somepony.” Her eyes flicked to Fluttershy as she said that, making it abundantly clear who she was thinking of.

Eepy sighed and shook her head. “No, really, it’s okay. I’m sure it was just a mix-up on the paperwork. Whoever did it probably has their own friends and family, and I’d hate to think they would lose their job over an innocent mistake. We all agreed that it didn’t matter who the sire was, right?”

“Right, right...” Blossom ran a hoof through her mane. “Of course, you’re still going to be one of the moms of this kid. Nothing’s changed, right Cloud?”

“Hay no,” I chimed in without a moment’s hesitation. “I don't care about the biology, Eepy's still part of this family. If anything, she’s lucky—now when I get grumpy about being pregnant, Blossom’ll have to put up with one hundred percent of it all by herself.” Granted, she was probably already getting an extra share of it because it can be rather hard to grump at Fluttershy.

“Joy.” Blossom rolled her eyes and lightly hoofed my shoulder.

Eepy smiled at both of us, and this time it seemed a little more genuine. “Thanks, you two. It’s ... I know we agreed on that beforehoof, but it’s nice to hear it again.”

Blossom nodded, but a second later her smile faded into a scowl. “Still peeved at the hospital, though. I know it was probably just a mistake, but...”

“Yeah, big thing to screw up.” I gave Eepy a quick squeeze. “Wanna go give them a piece of our mind tomorrow?”

Blossom nodded sharply. “Yeah, might as well pay them a visit once we’re off work. Even if it was just a paperwork mix-up, I want an apology from someone high-up, plus some assurance that this won’t happen to anypony else. You want to come too, Fluttershy?”

“Um...” Her eyes flicked down and to the side. “Actually, we already had something planned. Remember when we ran into Tree Hugger?”

Blossom blinked, then her shoulders slumped and she tucked her wings back against her sides. “Oh right, that.”

I looked between the two of them. “What's up?”

Eepy took a deep breath. “You remember all that stuff about the Guard expanding in Ponyville?”

“Kinda hard to forget about it,” I answered neutrally.

She hesitated, not quite meeting my eyes. “Um, you see, while we were in Canterlot I ran into my old friend Tree Hugger, and while we were catching up I told her about how unhappy I was about the new barracks, how the Everfree Forest was going to get clearcut, and how the Guard was going to hurt all my animal friends. She suggested we should get everypony together to protest against it so Twilight would understand how upset we are.” Her cheeks flushed a bit. “She knows a lot about this type of thing.”

“Oh. Right. Good old Tree Hugger.” It’s not that I didn’t like Fluttershy’s friend, but ... well, let’s just say we were two very different ponies. We didn’t really have anything in common beyond the fact that we were both close to Fluttershy. And if she was encouraging Fluttershy to take a stand on an issue where I didn’t agree with her, I probably wasn’t going to get any fonder of the mare in the near future.

Fluttershy nodded along, oblivious to my private doubts. “She told me how to organize ponies, make fliers, and how to get a license for a protest. She’s even getting some of her friends who care about this type of thing to come to town. They’re supposed to be coming in tomorrow evening, and then we’ll get started on setting everything up. She's such a good friend.”

“Yeah, sounds great.” Definitely wasn’t getting any fonder of Tree Hugger. While I was glad to see Fluttershy standing up for what she believed in, it would’ve been nice if she’d picked a better cause. Like something I also believed in.

Blossom must have picked up on my concerns, because she was worrying at her lower lip. “Um, yeah. Fluttershy’s was telling me about what she and Tree Hugger had planned on the way back, and it sounds like it’ll really be something.”

Oh joy. My marefriend was going to lead a big protest against my cousin. That would definitely leave me stuck right in the middle. I dealt with my problem by sharing my misery. “You going to be helping her out, Blossom?”

She hesitated, her eyes flicking between myself and Eepy. “I’m not exactly wild about all of Princess Twilight's plans. I don’t hate the idea of development, but the Everfree’s always been pretty dangerous. I can’t help but wonder if expanding into it is like going into a sleeping dragon’s cave and poking it with a stick. Plus, I’d like to be there for Fluttershy.”

“Oh. Alright.” Her last remark did bring up one important point, at least: even if I wasn’t wild about what Eepy was doing, I should probably at least try to keep quiet about my feelings. “Good luck with that, then.”

“Thank you, Cloud.” Fluttershy leaned over and gently rubbed my hoof. “Don’t worry about it, I’ll try not to bring any of this home with me. You’ve got enough to deal with right now, and stress isn’t good for the baby.”

For as much as I kept hearing that stress wasn’t good for the baby, that didn’t seem to have stopped the world from stressing me out pretty regularly. Reality was so inconsiderate that way. “Thanks, gals. I guess we can run by the hospital after you two wrap up the ... protest.”

Blossom sighed and shook her head. “It’ll take a while to get everything set up and then actually do it, but we’ll definitely make time for a trip to the hospital. Worst case, we can just handle it during your next check-up.”

Eepy nodded. “I already feel terrible about missing your last visit. I’m certainly not going to miss the next one. I know the map’s missions are important, but so are you.”

I grinned and wrapped my wings around them for a bear hug. Something I know a fair bit more about now that I’ve actually gotten to know Fluttershy’s bear friend.

Blossom grinned and returned the gesture, though a bit more carefully. “Love you, you big goof. Just try talking to us whenever something’s bugging you instead of dodging the issue and being all weird and indirect about it, alright?”

“Sure thing.” There was a bit of an awkward pause, with Blossom’s eyes pointedly lingering on me. After a moment I figured out what she must have been hinting at. “So, I believe there was some discussion of heading to bed as soon as you two finished putting everything up...”

I knew what I had to do next, but I wasn’t exactly enthusiastic about it. I hoped Eepy would understand that I wasn’t trying to go against her or anything. I just wanted to give Twilight and Storm a heads-up about the protest before everything exploded. This protest was going to be bad enough without it coming as a total surprise she wasn’t ready for, especially since Twilight's usually not the best at handling stressful surprises.

I headed for her big crystal palace thing once I was off work. Eepy and Blossom would be going to the train station to meet up with Tree Hugger and whoever else she was bringing with her, so hopefully she would be none the wiser about my little detour. Not that I was intentionally sneaking around behind her back or anything: it was just less complicated and better for everypony if she didn’t know about what I was doing. There was no reason to go out of my way to stir up trouble when I could just be discreet and keep my mouth shut.

Once I got close to the palace, I spotted a pair of familiar faces, one substantially more welcome than the other. From the looks of things, Storm and Twinkleshine were inspecting the castle’s perimeter. At first I figured it was just the standard ceremonial showing off that palace guards do to kill time, but I quickly spotted the spade and bag of gems Twinkleshine was hauling along and several small mounds of freshly disturbed earth. It might have been a while since I graduated West Hoof, but I could tell when somepony was setting up a magical detection net.

That was a pretty standard precaution for anything that needed to be a secure area, but I wasn’t surprised Twilight hadn’t bothered with it yet. From what I’d seen and a couple very carefully phrased grumbles I’d heard from Storm, Twilight had a pretty casual attitude towards security. Big shock, the Princess of Friendship put a lot of value on seeming friendly and approachable. Hopefully that could work in my favor. I waddled over to the two of them and did my best to look friendly and approachable. “Hey, is Twi—Princess Twilight available?” Storm was enough of a stickler for protocol that playing things formal would probably earn me points.

Storm turned to me, nodding. “Hello Cloud. As for Her Highness, that depends. What did you need to see her for?”

I didn’t waste any time beating around the bush. “Dunno if you guys have heard, but there’s a protest coming up.”

Twinkleshine grimaced. “Yeah, the Mayor told us somepony applied for a demonstration permit. Couldn’t give us any details on who it was or what they demonstrating over, but she had to at least warn us there’d be a lot of ponies around.” She dug another hole, then set the gem in. “Why we moved a couple of those security upgrades we were planning further up the to-do list.”

Storm grunted, her eyes flicking back towards the palace. “Nothing excessive, mind you. If you have information about what will be happening, I am sure Her Highness would appreciate it. She has been most concerned over the matter ever since the Mayor warned us.”

“Good news, then.” I tried to smile so that it looked like the news actually was good, rather than uncomfortable and a bit depressing. “I have the inside scoop on what’s going on, who’s running the show, and what they want to know.”

Storm’s ears perked up hopefully. “Then let us not waste any time. I am sure her Highness will be glad to have more information.” She turned back to Twinkleshine. “I trust you can see to the rest of this on your own? I want to have a significant buffer zone between the protestors and the palace, as well as a clear pathway for dignitaries.”

That caught my attention. “Dignitaries?”

Twinkleshine paused, looking to Storm for approval. When my cousin nodded, she answered me. “Well, after how well the conference with the representatives from Yakistan went, Princess Celestia thought it might be a good idea for Princess Twilight to try some more diplomatic meetings. Guess it makes sense to have the Princess of Friendship meet with governments we want to be friends with.”

“We are due to host some rather important guests in a few days,” Storm continued. “The Archon of Freeport and her accompanying entourage. They are in Canterlot at the moment, but we received word that they will be visiting Ponyville before returning home.”

I was a long way from an expert on foreign policy, but the Archon of Freeport sure sounded like someone important. “I’m going to guess that this major diplomatic conference where Twilight is supposed to be making friends is a bad time for a protest?”

“Hard to think of a much worse time,” Twinkleshine confirmed. “We were worried the protest might have something to do with the Archon’s visit. We haven’t announced anything publicly, but it’s not like the visit was top secret or anything. The last thing Twilight wants is for the Archon’s first impression to include a horde of protesters. It’s not easy to make friends when there are dozens of ponies shouting whatever it is they don’t like about Freeport.”

“Well, I guess there’s a bit of good news, then.” I tried to force a smile. “It doesn’t have anything to do with the Archon. The ponies are upset about Twilight’s plan to increase the number of Guards in Ponyville and expand into the forest.” I thought it over for a moment, then seized on a flimsy but desperate hope. “Maybe they’ll be willing to delay the demonstration once they learn there’s a big diplomatic conference coming up?”

“Unlikely.” Storm scowled. “If anything, knowing that would only encourage them. It will get them and their demands far more attention than they would otherwise receive, and make it far harder for Her Highness to ignore them.”

Twinkleshine packed the dirt over another of her gems. “I would hope that she’d relax a little now that she knows it won’t mess up the diplomatic conference too much, but that’s not likely. If anything, Twilight’ll get even more stressed now that she knows it’s targeted at her. She’ll probably think she’s not doing a good enough job as a princess.” Twinkleshine sighed and shook her head. “Never mind that not a day goes by in Canterlot without somepony making a big deal over whatever pet cause they’ve adopted. I know back at Celestia’s school we couldn’t go a week without somepony making a big deal about something.”

“I expect there is a substantial difference between seeing a protest about an abstract issue compared to one specifically aimed at her and her actions,” Storm pointed out.

A particularly unpleasant train of thought sprang to mind. “I’m going to guess that there’ll be extra guardponies in town for the next couple days, right? I mean, you’ve got a diplomatic conference and a demonstration coming up. That’s two very good reasons to make sure there are more guards on hoof.”

Storm nodded grimly. “The Solar Guard already has soldiers coming to Ponyville for the Archon’s visit, and now I might ask for even more. One of the Archon’s security personnel is supposed to visit tomorrow to go over our security arrangements for her stay, and I intend to make sure we have everything in order.”

I briefly wondered if all the anti-guard protesters were going to be on the same train as the extra guards coming for the Archon’s visit. That’d make for a very awkward trip. “Let me guess, you expect the Archon’s security to be extra-paranoid?”

“That is their job,” Storm answered stiffly. “If they were less than fully alert for any possible threat to their Archon’s safety, they would be very poor bodyguards. Not to mention Freeport has a rather rough reputation compared to Equestria. Among other things, I do not want to risk the protesters doing something that might provoke the Archon’s security detail.”

“We don’t want them thinking a worked-up demonstrator is a potential assassin,” Twinkleshine agreed. “In the split-second heat of the moment during a tense situation, they might think someone tossing a tomato is actually throwing a fire gem. If that happens, we’ll have a major international incident on our hooves.”

“Thus, the perimeter and exclusion zone,” Storm concluded. “They will be free to express their opinion so long as they do so in an orderly fashion that does not have a negative impact on the palace’s security. If they are unwilling to comply, we will take whatever measures are needed to make them do so.”

I blinked and stepped back at Storm’s tone. She might be very disciplined and have a pretty solid poker face, but I knew my cousin well enough to recognize when she was a bit worked up. “Hey now, let's not act like they’re on the verge of starting a riot. Trust me, they’re not planning on starting anything. I know the ponies running this thing, and violence is the last thing on their mind. They just wanna say what they have to say peacefully, then leave.”

“Of course.” Storm cleared her throat and I caught a hint of a flush on her cheeks. “I had no intention of...” She sighed and shook her head. “This was not something I expected to face when I was put in charge of Her Highness’ guards. I am far more comfortable with the battlefield than facing ponies who are opposed to everything I stand for and are upsetting my Princess, but whom I cannot stop.”

“Monsters are a lot less complicated than ponies,” Twinkleshine agreed. “But this is one of the things that comes with signing up to be a princess’ personal guards. It can’t all be sitting around the palace eating her food and chatting about the weather. Don’t worry, Captain—just make sure nopony blows their top and does something stupid, and it’ll be fine.”

I saw my chance to move things along. “That’s why I wanted to swing by and talk to Twilight. I figured the best way to make sure nobody gets too worked up is for everypony to know what’s going on. The more advance warning you get, the more prepared you’ll be. So, about that meeting with your boss...”

Storm grunted and nodded. “Yes, I am sure she would like to know whatever you can tell us about the situation. Follow me.”

The two of us left Twinkleshine to her work, heading deeper into the palace. After a couple seconds of awkwardly trotting along in silence, Storm cleared her throat. “How have you been? I trust there are no problems with the foal?”

I shrugged. “Being pregnant is a pain, but I’m surviving. You?”

Storm nodded. “I am doing well. Before this situation came to light, I was looking forward to overseeing the expansion of Her Highness’ guard. Now ... I have somewhat more mixed feelings on the matter.”

“Yeah, I guess that does make things a bit more complicated.” I hesitated, glancing over my shoulder to make sure we’d left Twinkleshine out of earshot. “So ... what’s she like?”

Storm briefly frowned at me before she figured out who I must have been talking about. “Knight-Magus Twinkleshine is a fine officer and an excellent soldier whom I am proud to have under my command.”

“Glad to hear it,” I deadpanned, “but I wasn’t asking for a performance review. What’s she like as a pony?”

Storm hesitated for a moment before answering. “She is an outgoing and very positive mare. She often goes out of her way to help others, so long as it does not interfere with her own duties. She takes her work seriously, but knows when she can tell a joke and relax.”

“So she doesn’t bury her sense of humor and act like there’s a huge stick up her plot whenever she’s on duty?” I smirked at my cousin. “Unlike certain ponies I could mention.”

Storm sniffed softly. “I retain my sense of humor perfectly well. It is simply accompanied by an appreciation of proper time and place. Also, it is far too refined for some uncultured and blunt ponies I could mention.”

“Touché.” I grinned at her, but the smile didn’t last very long. “You know Twinkleshine and Dad are...?”

“I was informed.” Storm answered. “Her Highness has every confidence it will not have a negative impact on our ability to work together.”

“Right.” I grimaced and shook my head. “That’s what I was worried about.”

Storm moved half a step closer to me. “It is a rather difficult adjustment. I find it strange to think of Uncle Tor with anypony other than Aunt Nimbus. I expect it is even harder for you.”

“You don’t know the half of it,” I grumbled.

Storm and I plodded along for several seconds before she spoke up again. “If you need to speak with somepony on the matter, I could visit once my shift is done. I imagine Her Highness would also be quite happy to help. Doubtless I could persuade her that this qualifies as a friendship problem that merits her attention.”

“Thanks,” I grunted out. “But I’m fine.”

“I see,” Storm answered levelly, a faint frown briefly flickering across her lips. “It might interest you to know that Twinkleshine has been asking about you, too. Much the same sort of questions that you were asking me, in fact.”

“Oh.” My eyes flicker over to her. “So ... what’d you tell her?”

“The truth,” Storm responded with a flat look.

“The truth?” I took a moment to process that, then smirked and poked her side. “Well if that’s bad, I guess I’m doomed.”

The barest hint of a smile ghosted across my cousin’s face. “I assure you, it was not all bad. Though I would point out that if you fear ponies learning the truth about you that much, perhaps you should reconsider some of your life choices.”

I chuckled and poked her again. “There’s my smartflanked little cousin.”

She chuckled softly, but as soon as the moment passed she back to being serious. “She does want to talk with you, though. I think it would be wise.”

“I’ll ... keep that in mind.” I knew I’d probably need to deal with Dad’s girlfriend at some point, but right now I had more than enough to deal with. She could wait until I had less on my plate. Maybe I’d finally get some good luck, and Dad would break up with her before things settled down enough that I’d have to deal with the issue.

Storm didn’t say anything else, and pretty soon we were outside Twilight’s study. From the frantic thumping sounds from the other side of the door, it was a pretty safe bet she was in the middle of frantic organizing. That, or she was cheating on Storm.

Storm knocked on the door, then entered without waiting for a response. “Highness, Cloud wanted to speak with you about the upcoming demonstration.”

I stepped into Twilight’s office and found more-or-less exactly what I’d been expecting: a mass of paperwork in a state of organized chaos, with Twilight Sparkle in the eye of the storm. I glanced down at a couple stray sheets that escaped the pile: part of a speech welcoming the Archon, a mailing list, and several flash cards covering how to deal with a large public demonstration.

Okay ... looked like we were only up to a two on the Twilight Sparkle Stress Breakdown Scale. Not too bad yet, but there was definitely room for things to escalate. Hopefully the news about Eepy would make things better rather than worse. “Hey, Twilight. You alright?”

Twilight’s head jerked up from the book on public speaking she’d been immersed in, knocking over several quills. “Ah! Cloud, where did you come from?!”

“Well, it all started when Mom and Dad met up while they were both going to West Hoof...” That earned me a flat look from Twilight, but if she was annoyed by me for being a smartflank it meant she was a lot more centered in the here-and-now. “I’ve been here for half an hour, you were too busy booking to notice me.”

“What?!” Twilight’s eyes widened. “Sorry, I had no—sometimes I get really wrapped up in my studying and I don’t notice—”

“Cloud is joking,” Storm trotted over to dutifully pick up the quills she’d knocked over. “We walked through the door less than a minute ago.” She helped Twilight restore a semblance of order to her desk, ignoring the princess’ half-hearted protests that she could pick up after herself. Once that was done, she politely cleared her throat. “Is everything alright, Highness?”

Twilight quickly re-alphabetized her index cards before answering her. “Are we talking relatively or in the grand scope of things?”

Storm decided to remind me once again that she did have a sense of humor. “Let us leave aside the inevitable heat-death of the universe for now and focus on the more immediate concerns. Is there anything you require assistance with?” Her eyes rested pointedly on the mass of books and papers surrounding her princess.

Twilight settled back into her big comfy reading chair, staring at the small mountain residing on top of her desk. “If there’s one thing I have plenty of right now, it’s problems. Just getting everything ready for the Archon’s visit is enough to keep me busy for days. A party to plan, dinners, who to have the Archon meet, and everything else to make this perfect. The conference with the Yaks was nearly a disaster, and if something goes wrong this time we can’t count on Pinkie fixing everything again with her Pinkie-ness.” She pulled out her flash cards, flipping through them at high speed. “And now I suddenly have to deal with a big demonstration in the middle of the Archon’s visit. I need my guards to help make sure the Archon and I will be safe, but if the protest makes things look unsafe, or like I’m not in control, or that I’m not good at being friends or can convince ponies of the virtues of my policies and—” She groaned and buried her head in her books, taking comfort from the presence of her one true love.

I took a deep breath, then spilled the beans. “Well, about that ... I have some information you’ll probably want to know about the protest that’s coming up.”

Twilight ran a hoof down her face. “Please don’t let this be bad news. I don’t need them doing something like shutting down the train station in protest.”

“That will not happen, Highness,” Storm assured her. “They have every right to express their opinion, but it will be another matter if they disrupt vital infrastructure.”

“Pretty sure the trains are safe,” I assured them. “If nothing else, there’s the fact that a lot of ponies are coming in from out of town. Last thing they’d want to do is mess up their ride back, or keep any reinforcements from coming. Besides, I don’t think Fluttershy would do that kind of thing. She’d be way too worried about causing problems for a bunch of innocent ponies who weren’t involved in any of this.”

Twilight’s head tilted to the side. “Did you say Fluttershy is leading the protest?”

“Is this another one of your jokes?” Storm asked.

“Sorry, not joking.” I chuckled weakly and tried to take some of the sting out of the news. “You were always telling her she needs to be more assertive and stand up for herself and what she believes in. Guess some of those lessons finally took.”

Twilight groaned and rubbed her eyes. “This wasn’t what I had in mind when I told her she needed to believe in herself. Even when we told her that she shouldn’t be afraid to disagree with us when she thought we were wrong, I didn’t think she’d...”

“Actually follow through on that?” I suggested. “Should’ve seen that one coming.” Twilight had probably been hoping that Fluttershy would only disagree with her when Twilight actually was objectively wrong, not when it was all just a matter of opinion. “Anyway, I thought you should know ahead of time. Plus, well, now that you know Eepy’s in charge of the whole thing, maybe you can talk her down before there’s an actual demonstration.”

“It’s worth a shot,” Twilight agreed. “Maybe we can have a meeting and work this out. I know our first talk didn’t work out, but the news came as a big surprise, I was really tired, and we’ve both had time to calm down now. Maybe there’s a middle ground we can reach that would let us be happy?” She sighed and shook her head. “It’s not like I want to destroy the forest, whatever she thinks. It’s just a matter of keeping Ponyville and my palace safe.”

Storm stepped over to her Princess’ side. “A royal palace needs guards and staff. She would hardly be a proper princess if it was just herself and Spike living in this massive building by themselves. The guards and palace staff will need somewhere to live, along with any expansion Ponyville needs to accommodate them.”

I held up my hooves in surrender. “You don’t have to convince me, I’m on your side. I’m just trying to defuse this situation before it gets worse.”

Twilight smiled and gave me a quick pat on the back. “I know this can’t be easy for you, and I’d like to settle this quietly too. It would be a huge weight off my shoulders if I could work things out with Fluttershy before the Archon arrives. Especially since ... well, I never like arguing with Fluttershy.”

“I know what you mean,” I leaned into the touch. “She’s just so nice and meek most of the time that it’s real hard to have a disagreement with her without coming off looking like a bully. It’s why I haven’t really said anything to her about the demonstration. It’d hurt her feelings and maybe even make her cry, and I’m terrible at dealing with that. It’s why I really don’t want to get stuck in the middle of this mess.”

Twilight winced sympathetically, her ears wilting. “Sorry about that. I didn’t mean to cause any trouble for you. When all this started I just wanted to give Fluttershy a chance to earn some extra bits and help the Patrol do their job.”

“Not your fault,” I assured her. “You have to do your princess things. Though it would be nice if Blossom was at least neutral in this whole mess.”

Twilight grimaced. “She agrees with Fluttershy?”

“Seems like it, yeah.” She wasn’t quite as fired up over it as Eepy, but she was still supporting her. “I'm not wild about being the odd mare out.” Something that seemed to be happening far too often lately. The two of them teaming up on me was only fun when it happened in the bedroom.

I sighed and ran a hoof through my mane. “Plus I really don't want to cause trouble with Eepy after we found out—” I cut myself off. “Sorry, private family stuff.”

“Oh.” Twilight shot a curious look my way, but managed to restrain the urge to inquire further. “Anyway, I’m sure we can patch this up somehow if I can sit down with Fluttershy. At the very least, I can’t imagine Fluttershy would want to mess up the diplomatic conference. Should I just stop by your house tomorrow? Or—wait, when’s a good time to come see her?”

“Sooner is better than later.” My eyes flicked out the window towards the train station. “She has from friends coming to Ponyville to help set everything up, and the more work they put into getting ready, the harder it’ll be to convince them all to go home.”

Twilight checked the clock. “Maybe I could stop by for dinner tonight, then?”

“Probably not a great idea,” I cautioned. “Pretty sure she’s going to have Tree Hugger and whoever else over tonight to plan things out, so that’s probably not the best time to try and have a one-on-one talk with her.”

Storm grunted. “It might also be wiser for someone to invite her to the palace rather than you showing up unannounced at her front door. I understand that she is your friend, but she is also publicly objecting to your royal policies. That requires a certain changing of dynamics to maintain the proper appearances and remind everypony that you are one of Equestria’s rulers.”

Twilight frowned at her. “So you’re saying I shouldn’t treat her like a friend? I know decorum and appearances are important, but I’m the Princess of Friendship. I’m pretty sure I’m not being a proper princess if I’m not treating my friends like friends.”

“I never said you should stop treating Fluttershy like a friend,” Storm answered stiffly. “Merely that you should be aware that this matter has implications beyond your personal relationship with her. I am sure Cloud understands the complications that arise when there is an overlap between personal and professional relationships.”

“I do have a pretty complicated relationship with the weather team,” I admitted. “Rainbow’s an old childhood friend and my boss, not to mention everything that’s going on with Blossom. We have to still work together and be professional whenever we’re on the clock, despite all the personal stuff we have going on.” Admittedly, none of us had been paragons in that regard, but most of the time we managed well enough.

Twilight sighed and straightened a couple piles of paper that already looked perfectly straight to me. “Alright then, can you give me any concrete suggestions on how to handle this? Maybe we can draw up a plan for what issues and talking points I should raise.”

“Not a bad idea.” I hesitated a moment before pressing on. “Though I don’t know if you need a plan or anything. Really, Fluttershy’s pretty easy to get along with most of the time.”

“That’s what I thought last time I talked to her,” Twilight grumbled. “I thought it would be a nice, simple, friendly little chat. I certainly didn't expect her to blow up at me when I offered to make her one of my guard’s advisors.”

I sighed. “She didn't blow up at you, Twi.”

“Not by most standards, but for Fluttershy it sure felt like she did.” She shook her head. “We probably just had one bad talk. That’s it. It happens. One pony says something, the other pony takes it the wrong way, and then it’s a big argument. Hopefully that won’t happen this time.” She turned to Storm. “So you don’t think I should go talk to her myself?”

Storm nodded. “Meeting her in her own home while she has all of her supporters around her would sent the wrong message. It makes you look weak and her look strong, because she has forced a princess to come to her and beg for an end to the conflict.” She tapped her chin. “It would be much better to make her come to you, but that is less than ideal when we are on a strict timetable. A one-on-one meeting in a neutral location should work.”

Twilight thought it over, idly chewing on the end of her quill. “Alright, neutral location, that makes sense. So where would be a good place to meet? Sugarcube Corner? Town Hall? No, maybe someplace more private? I could always ask one of our friends to let us borrow their house for bit...”

“I’m sure any of your friends would be glad to help.” One advantage to being the Princess of Friendship, she was never short of pals who were more than happy to lend a hoof. Hay, I’ve never even saved Equestria with her, and I would’ve been happy to let her borrow my old bachelorette pad if she wanted it. “Need somepony to play moderator?”

“That sounds like a good idea.” She smiled gratefully. “Thanks Cloud. Though I might ask somepony else instead of you. Not that I don’t appreciate the offer, but I’d rather not make things more difficult for you, especially when you’re pregnant. Fluttershy and I do have four pretty wonderful mutual friends.” She paused for a moment, then amended, “I suppose Rarity or Applejack would probably be best. Pinkie might be a bit too unpredictable, and Rainbow ... well, she’s got a lot of talents, but moderating delicate negotiations isn’t one of them.”

“Not to mention one thing she and I have in common, we hate being stuck in the middle of two fighting friends.” Not that Rainbow wouldn’t do everything she could to fix the problem, but she’d probably be very direct in her approach. Between wearing her heart on her sleeve and tending to leap before she looked, it was a coin toss whether she’d actually moderate things or end up accidently escalating them.

“That just leaves setting things up.” Twilight bit her lip, hesitating for a moment. “Do you think you could talk to her about that? I hate to put you on the spot, but ... well, you are living with her. It wouldn’t be too much trouble to just ask when and where we could set up a meeting to talk this out, would it?”

“Yeah, no problem.” I was pretty sure Eepy wanted to settle this just as much as Twilight did. It was just a matter of working through the big issue dividing them until they found some sort of reasonable middle ground they could both live with.

“Thanks, Cloud. I really appreciate it.” She glanced out the window. “It’s getting dark out. Would you like to have Storm escort you home?”

I rolled my eyes. “I’m pretty sure I can manage the walk home without a bodyguard.”

“I rather doubt Cloud would lose her way,” Storm assured her. “And Ponyville is still one of the safest towns in Equestria.”

“Oh. Right.” Twilight chuckled sheepishly, her cheeks pinking slightly. “Sorry, just want to make sure you’re being taken care of, what with your condition and all.”

“I appreciate the thought, but I’ve got a couple months before I get to the point where I can’t walk myself home.” I grinned. “Thanks, though. Nice to know you’re worrying.”

“Best get used to it,” Storm cut in dryly. “We will only worry more as you get further along.”

“Us and everyone else,” Twilight chimed in with a teasing smile. “Consider it one of the benefits of being an expecting mother.”

I chuckled and shook my head. “That almost makes the bloating, cramps, soreness, tiredness, headaches, heartburn, and waking up half a dozen times to use the bathroom ... actually, no. That doesn’t make it worth it.” I grinned at both of them. “But thanks for caring. It’s always nice to be fretted over and pampered.” I paused a moment, and my smile widened. “Speaking of pampering, I don’t suppose you have any cheesecake around, do you? Maybe white chocolate with raspberries? Or strawberries, I don’t want to be picky.”

Storm shot a dry look her princess’ way. “I believe Cloud is trying to take advantage of your generosity and royal resources, Highness.”

“Yes she is,” Twilight agreed with a smile. “But she is pregnant, so I’ll let her get away with it.”

I found a nice sofa to kick back and relax on, stretching out to occupy far too much of it. “Okay, now it’s starting to be worth all the trouble.”

Author's Note

As always, thanks to my pre-reading and editing team for all their hard work. Also, I would like to thank all my dedicated Patreon supporters. You guys are awesome.

Click here if you want to join the list of awesome people who support my writing.

Aidan Hall
Batbrony
Benjamin McLaren
Borg Lord
Brion Wauters
Charles M. Hagmaier
Chris Hall
Christopher A Cope
ColdSilverD
Comma-Kazie
Creideiki
Cyanhyde
DaB.
Darkarma
Deep Cover
Dixie Daley
djthomp
Edmon Star
Emlyn Costilow
Errant
FallenAngelXy
Forderz
Jade Walters
Jessica T
MoistGooDragon
Patrick
Ponibius
Shank
Singularity Dream
Sweet Gale
Trinary
waritah
Web of Hope
Zennyth

Dealing With Problems is Harder than Ignoring Them

I spent the next couple of days being supremely lazy. Rainbow had already offered me some pretty open-ended maternity leave, and it gave me an excuse to not go to work and run into Blossom. Dealing with more relationship drama was just ... no. I’d had enough.

While I enjoyed a couple days to rest and recover, the rest of the world kept on spinning without me. Fluttershy had gone ahead with her protest, and from what I’d seen from a distance a small platoon of nature lovers had now more-or-less camped out in front of Twilight’s palace. Things seemed to be peaceful so far, but with the big visit from the Archon happening tomorrow that could still change. I’m sure Twilight was trying as hard as possible to get rid of them before they caused a diplomatic incident.

Meanwhile, I had much more immediate concerns. When I came downstairs for breakfast that morning, I found a strange and yet somewhat appealing sight. Two Lyras. Well, not exactly two of them—one had a set of pegasus wings instead of a horn.

Lyra grinned and waved at me while the pegasus continued chewing her way through a bag of potato chips. “Oh, hey Cloud. You’re up just in time to meet my insane mutant clone. She broke out of the lab again, and we’re just waiting for the science guys to come recapture her.”

I groaned and rubbed the last bits of sleep out of my eyes. “That’s a joke, right?”

Pega-Lyra grinned and cocked her head to the side. “Who? Lyra? Well, she’s pretty goofy, but it might be just a bit mean to call her a joke. She’s entirely capable of being serious when she puts her mind to it. Which admittedly isn’t often.”

Lyra grumpily pouted at her clone’s words, but shook it off a second later. “Yes, it’s a joke. She’s definitely insane and probably should be locked up in a lab somewhere, but she’s not a clone. She’s just my sister, Skyra.”

“You don’t have a sister,” I answered automatically. After a couple seconds, I figured out what was probably going on. “But you do have a cousin...”

“Strumming is my cousin,” Lyra agreed, shooting a smirk at her pegasus self. “But she’s lame and boring. Skyra here is pretty cool.”

‘Skyra’ shot her an unamused flat look. “I’m a little torn here. On the one hoof, you’re blatantly lying, and as a government worker I hate seeing that kind of competition; on the other, I think encouraging your silliness could be fun.”

I scoffed and rolled my eyes at the back-and-forth. “Okay, I’m starting to wonder if Star and Storm broke out body paint and are pulling a really elaborate prank on me.” It was pretty rare for them to set aside the sibling rivalry for long enough to team up, but when they did…

The pony who I was now ninety five percent sure was Strumming Heartstrings grinned and shook her head. “Nope, I’m real! At least, I think I’m real. Didn’t one of those philosophers do a whole thing about how if you think you’re real, you are real? Cogito ergo sum, as they put it in Old Unicornian.” She tsked and shook her head, poking Lyra with a wingtip. “Though really cuz, you should’ve told me you had a second partner. Nice work. Though I gotta take points off for you knocking her up without giving her a ring—I thought you have more class than that.”

Lyra blinked in shock, taking an instinctive half-step back from the kitchen table. “I-I did not knock her up!”

“Oh.” Strumming grinned and nodded understandingly. “So that’s Bonsie’s bun in the oven? So what did you do to mess up so bad that your SO is knocking up another mare instead of you? Did you leave the toilet seat up?”

“The toilet seat? That—but—doesn’t even make any—” Lyra snorted and shook her head. “No, it’s not Bon Bon’s kid either. Cloud’s just a friend.”

I grinned at Strumming. “I think I we’re going to get along brilliantly.”

Lyra’s eyes widened, and she started worriedly looking between myself and her cousin. “No you won’t. You won’t like her at all once you get to know her. She’s ... uh ... old. And she goes away a lot. And, most importantly of all, she isn’t as minty as me.”

“‘Old’?!” Strumming repeated incredulously. “I’m not old, I’m experienced!”

Lyra scoffed. “Is that what they’re calling it now? You’re so ancient I should buy you a walker for your next birthday.” She trotted over to stand right next to her cousin. “See? With a proper side-by-side, you can spot all the wrinkles she has that I don’t, and how her mane isn’t quite as mint-green as mine because she’s old and has grey hairs. Not to mention I’m magic, and she’s not. Ergo, I am the superior pony. It’s just logical.”

“You left out my awesome scar.” Strumming lifted up a wing, showing off a small patch of white fur on her side. “Lyra doesn’t get scars, because she’s safe and boring. As for the rest of it…” She scoffed and poked her cousin. “Better watch yourself. We look enough alike that this is probably a sneak preview of what you’re going to end up as when you get my age. So just remember, anything you say about me might end up bouncing back to you.”

I grinned at both of them. “Getting old isn’t that bad for you two. One advantage of your manes already having that white stripe, it’ll be harder to tell when your hair starts fading.”

Lyra rolled her eyes and waved both our comments away. “Bah, you’re both ridiculous. I’ll be young and beautiful forever—the mints preserve me. Anyway Cloud, you’ve probably already guessed that she’s my cousin Strumming, not my secret sister. I’d still say you should stick with calling her Skyra; it’s catchier and more fitting.”

Strumming scoffed. “Skyra. Because I should be named after you despite the fact that I was born a long time before you. If anything, you should be called Strumhorn. Saying I ought to be named after you is just narcissistic.” She smirked and patted Lyra’s head. “Admittedly, you’re a terribly lovable narcissist.”

“A narcissist?” Lyra repeated. “When am I ever a narcissist?” She puffed her chest out and placed a proud hoof over her heart. “I can’t be a narcissist, I have too much love to give to other ponies.”

“You do realize that going on about how great and loving you are doesn’t do much to dispel the idea that you’re a bit narcissistic, right?” Strumming grinned and poked her cousin. “Anyway, I guess you being such a soft touch is why you have the plus one with plus one in your house?”

“Right!” Lyra grinned, happy to be back in comfortable territory. “Cloud’s been going through some stuff and needed somewhere to relax for a few days.” She trotted over and gave me a quick nuzzle. “Hey, sweetie. You sleep well?”

“Yeah, good as I ever did.” I stretched my wings out. “Still had to get up three times in the night, but I’m almost used to that by now.”

Strumming snickered. “Look at you Lyra, being all sweet and nurturing. You sure the kid’s not yours?” She shrugged. “If you two’ve been having an illicit love affair or just three-waying it I’m not one to judge.”

Lyra scowled and snatched away Strumming’s bag of chips. “No more crisps for you until you take that back. Saying I’d cheat on Bons, even as a joke … not cool, Skyra.”

Strumming immediately threw up her hooves in surrender. “Okay, okay, my bad on that one. Just leave the crisps out of this. They’re so young and innocent…”

Lyra thought it over for a moment, the nodded and handed the chips back. “All is forgiven … if you have another bag for me.”

“‘Course I do.” Strumming reached into her saddlebags and pulled out another bag of chips, which she tossed to Lyra. Her eyes flicked over to me, and she pulled out another. “So, you got me all curious now. Trade you bag of crisps for your story?”

I took the bag of chips, stowing it away for later. I liked potato chips just fine, but they weren’t exactly breakfast food. “Well … fair warning, my story’s kind of a long one.”

Strumming grinned and leaned back in her chair. “Then you better get started. Otherwise I’ll be an old, old mare, by the time you’re done. At least according to Lyra.” She shrugged. “Anyway, I don’t mind long stories, as long as as they’re not boring stories. Or one of those stories where everything hits a natural and satisfying end point, and then it just keeps on going. Or the ones where you can tell the author ran out of ideas and is just making things up as they go to try and keep everything moving. Or mysteries where you can tell they didn’t have any answers, so they’re just making up lots of random clues without thinking about how it’s all supposed to tie back together and make sense in the end. Those are the worst. The whole point of a mystery is that everything should make sense and you realize all the clues you missed once you know who the bad guy is. Reminds me of this one story I read once where—”

Lyra sighed and rolled her eyes. “Don’t get her going, Cloud. She loves rambling on about everything and nothing almost as much as she loves being weird just to get a rise out of ponies.”

“That’s what I do. I say weird stuff and I think way too much. I had to get something when you stole all the music genes of the family.” Strumming grinned and shrugged. “Yes, you stole them from me years before you were born. You’re sneaky that way.”

Lyra chuckled and shook her head. “Oh come on, I haven’t stolen all of them. I’m sure you could do music if you really wanted to. Though knowing you, it’d probably be some really weird experimental thing that you only did to see how much it would mess with ponies’ heads.”

A mischievous grin split Strumming’s face. “I admit, it would be a lot of fun to crank out some utterly meaningless nonsense, then watch a bunch of scholars tie themselves in knots writing super-serious papers talking about all the hidden meanings and symbolism.” She wrapped a wing around her cousin. “Though really, it’s okay that I’m not a music pony. I did get the brains, after all.”

Lyra scoffed. “See what I mean, Cloud? You can’t keep this crazy pony on topic.”

“I’m on the topics that I wanna discuss,” Strumming answered breezily. “It’s not my fault if it's not what you wanna talk about. I’m not a mind-reader. Anyway, preggo-mare, what gives with you hanging around mooching off my cousin?”

“I’m not mooching,” I grumbled under my breath. “Anyway, you know that big protest thing going on? My ... um...” I couldn’t quite figure out what exactly to call Fluttershy. Just saying she was my girlfriend sounded a bit shallow, but we weren’t married or engaged or anything. In the end, I settled on just fancier word for girlfriend, to make it sound more serious “My paramour is kinda ... leading it.”

“Ooooh,” Strumming nodded. “Lemme guess, you don’t agree with what the missus is doing?”

I grimaced and nodded. “Yeah, pretty much. Big surprise, the ex-guardpony from a Guard family isn’t wild about an anti-Guard protest. My cousin’s in charge of Twilight’s guards, so … yeah, it kinda feels she’s protesting against my family, not just the Guard in general. Especially since the ponies who came to Ponyville for the whole thing seem to be a mix of nature-lovers and ones who just hate the Guard on principle.”

Lyra gave me a quick pat on the shoulder. “Yeah, Fluttershy’s putting Cloud in a pretty rough spot with all this. Makes things real awkward and stressful for her, and neither of those is good for her or the baby.” She frowned. “Really, you’d think she would know not to do that kind of thing to Cloud in her condition.”

I frowned and waved off Lyra’s grumbling. “She’s just standing up for what she believes in. I can’t ask her to stop doing that just because it might make things slightly awkward for me.”

Strumming looked between the two of us, nodding thoughtfully. “So you’re kinda stuck between wanting to support your babymama and wishing that she stood up for beliefs that weren’t so stupid?” Strumming shrugged and sneaked away one of Lyra’s chips, despite still having a few left in her own bag. “You would think ponies would be happy that somepony is keeping all the big, scary monsters away. Of course, that would be the sensible and logical thing to do, and ponies are neither of those things.”

Lyra shrugged and nibbled on her snack, seemingly oblivious to her cousin’s thievery. “Yeah … I’ll be honest, I’m not sure what Fluttershy’s trying to achieve with this. I can’t say I agree with it if she just wants us to leave those poor pony-eating monsters alone.” She frowned and rubbed the back of her neck. “I guess I’m biased though. I mean, between what happened back in Canterlot during the royal wedding, and some other stuff…”

I nodded along. “I actually took some classes to qualify for the Long Patrol back in West Hoof, so I know how they operate. I’m pretty sure those classes didn’t turn me into a crazed critter-slaying monster who rampages around the forest killing innocent bunnies or whatever it is Eepy thinks the Patrol is going to do.”

Strumming shrugged. “Sounds like it’s just one of those issues where you’ll have to agree to disagree then. All you can do it draw the line with her and leave it at that.”

Lyra frowned and shook her head. “I’m not sure it’s that simple, Skyra. Fluttershy really isn’t the sort of pony to organized a huge public protest. I mean, she’s not as much of a nervous wreck as she was a couple years back, but she’s still … she’s not exactly a socializer. I kinda have to wonder if there’s more going on.”

Strumming nodded. “Probably is, yeah. It’s pretty rare to see anything with a single simple clear-cut motive. Doesn’t change the facts: unless you plan on having Cloud hide out at your place until the kid’s born, she’s going to have to confront her protest-happy babymama sooner or later. Kinda ruins a romance when you’re so scared of your SO that you’re hiding from her.”

“I’m not hiding,” I corrected. “I’m just staying with a friend until things cool down.”

“Exactly.” Lyra gave me a quick pat on the shoulder. “There’s nothing wrong with relaxing for a few days and coming back with a clearer head.”

“Yeah, sure.” Strumming looked both of us over. “So how much longer do you plan on hiding here? Until the protest is over? Except I doubt the princess will cave after one demonstration, so you can bet your Fluttershy’s still gonna be going on about it. And if she does end up winning, it’ll probably encourage her to get involved in the next tree-hugging contest or whatever it is hippies do in their spare time.”

“I’m sure Fluttershy won’t turn into a crazy activist just because she got her way one time.” I sighed and shook my head. “Honestly, even doing this once is a bit unusual.”

“That’s a good point.” Lyra frowned to herself. “A peaceful protest I can imagine just fine. But to interrupt something Twilight is working for? That’s not like her. I don’t suppose she’s been acting weirdly before this whole thing started? You know, being absent for long stretches of time, not knowing things Fluttershy really ought to know…”

“Uh, not really. Just her normal self.” I gave Lyra a quick reassuring pat on the back. “I’m pretty sure she hasn’t been replaced by a changeling or anything. I think this just kind of built up a lot more momentum than she ever planned for, and now it’s hard for her to back down. She’d hate to disappoint Tree Hugger and her other friends.”

Strumming blinked, then grinned. “Wait, did you just say one of the protest leaders is named Tree Hugger? Wow, her parents doomed her from birth.”

Lyra nodded thoughtfully, a slight smirk on her face from Strumming’s interjection. “Okay, getting stuck between two friends she doesn’t want to upset seems a lot more like something Fluttershy’d fall into. I think, when you’re ready, you might just be the pony she needs to pull her out of the hole she’s dug herself into.” She gave my belly a quick rub. “You can remind her what’s really important here.”

Strumming chuckled. “Ah, good old peer pressure. The oil that gets you to do things you don’t want to do and know you probably shouldn’t. Reminds me of this one time in college where...” She trailed off and chuckled. “Well, let’s just say it’s a good thing I was able to dispose of all the evidence, and nothing was ever proven.”

Lyra snorted. “Sounds like a story I’ll need to ask Dad about. Anyway, you got any actual useful advice, Skyra? Or did you just drop by to steal all my chips?”

Strumming puffed up her chest. “I’ll have you know I’m here on official business. Gotta keep the boss-mare happy and make sure everything’s shipshape before she comes to town. Lucky for me, you live here.” She shifted her attention back to me. “Anyway, you gotta stand up for what you believe in. If she doesn't agree with you, then you just have to agree to disagree.”

I shuffled uncertainly. “But ... I really don’t like disagreeing with Eepy.”

Strumming raised an eyebrow. “Why’s that?”

I tried to think of the best way to explain it. “She’s … sensitive. Not really good at asserting herself. I don’t want it too seem like I’m smacking her down just when she’s really starting to feel sure of herself. I mean, just because I don’t agree with what she’s doing doesn’t mean I should stop supporting her, but it’s a little tricky to disagree while still supporting her.”

“Ah.” Strumming nodded knowingly. “I see how it is. She’s normally the doormat, wallflower, or some other architectural decoration metaphor. So now you’re doormatting yourself to make sure that she doesn’t doormat herself?” She sighed and shook her head. “It’s a vicious cycle of preemptively knuckling down and letting the other one run roughshod over you.”

Lyra pointedly cleared her throat. “I think what my loony cousin was trying to get at with all her word vomit is that relationships are built on compromise. What you’re doing right now is just avoiding the situation entirely. It’s okay to do that for a bit to get your head together, especially with your plus one, but that’s not a solution. Eventually you need to pluck up the courage to work things out with the pony you love, even if it might get messy for a bit, because your love is more important than anything in the world.” She nodded adamantly, sounding much more serious than she usually did. “It’s not a one-sided deal, it’s equal. You can’t go walking around on eggshells all the time, afraid you’ll hurt Fluttershy’s feelings if you don’t go along with every little thing she says.”

I sighed and nodded along. “I know that.”

“Knowing it’s one thing, doing it’s another,” Strumming pointed out. “Sooner or later, you gotta stop hiding in your friend’s house and go talk to her.” She smirked, then added. “Ponies will spread rumors. I gotta worry about my poor cousin’s honor and reputation.”

Lyra blinked, then frowned. “I hate it when you’re right. Skyra has a point: the longer you put this off, the harder it’ll be to deal with. You have to confront Fluttershy at some point, and if you want my advice you should do it sooner rather than later.”

Lyra wasn’t the only one who hated when ponies told her something she didn’t want to admit was correct. “Okay, fine, you guys are completely right. I’ll go talk to her.”

“Well of course we’re right.” Strumming buffed a hoof on her chest. “I thought it went without saying. Hey Lyra, does your buddy always go around stating the obvious?”

“It’s been known to happen,” Lyra smirked and gave her cousin a hoof bump. “There’s a good reason we’re Lyra and Strumming Heartstrings. I am an awesome expert at all things related to love. And music. I’m multi-talented that way.” She cleared her throat. “Anyway, make sure talk to her alone. Relationship stuff is kinda private.”

“Besides, you don’t wanna embarrass her in front of all her tree hugging friends, like Tree Hugger.” Strumming smirked. “If you’re right, that’s part of why she’s doing the whole big protest thing is because her friends are invested in it…”

“Right, right.” Hopefully getting her away from the crowd wouldn’t be too hard.

“And no procrastinating,” Lyra added in firmly. “The longer you stew this over, the more stress will build up…” She gave my bloated stomach another quick pat. “We want you to keep up that healthy maternal glow of yours.”

“Exactly.” Strumming stretched out her wings. “Anyway, since you’re a family friend, the advice is free. Normally I charge a lot. Maybe just … I dunno, name the kid after me or something.”

“No offense, but I don’t see that happening.”

She shrugged my refusal away. “No worries. I’d kinda feel sorry for any kid named after me anyway. Not that Strumming Kicker would be the worst name in the world, but it’s not great either. Besides, it wasn’t really altruism on my part. All of this was part of my convoluted master plan to get rid of the protesters before the boss-mare shows up.” She slowly steepled her hooves over her mouth. “It all went just as planned. Truly, I am an evil genius mastermind brimming with manipulation and cunning plans nopony sees coming.”

“Or you’re just making all that up,” Lyra shot back.

“Also a distinct possibility,” Strumming shot back with a smirk.

“So who is this new boss of yours anyway?” Lyra asked. “I never heard of an Archon of Freeport or anything.”

“Boss-mare is pretty awesome.” Strumming gave us a couple seconds to chew that over, then added, “She started off as a bit of a hothead, and I didn’t make the best first impression, but now she’s cool and we’re cool.”

Lyra cocked her head to the side. “So she’s a hothead … yet she’s cool.”

“Was a hothead,” Strumming corrected. “In any case, she’s a mare of contradictions. I could maybe see about introducing you, just make sure you take a shower and don’t embarrass me or anything. I have a reputation as an awesome genius mastermind to uphold, and I can’t have you cramping my style.”

A particularly mischievous grin lit up Lyra’s face. “Well now that you’ve mentioned it…”

Strumming let out a long, exaggerated sigh. “I think instead of warning her off I probably just inspired her. I might be modestly doomed. Oh alas. Oh woe is me. Woe. Woe, I say.” She let that sit for a moment, then shrugged. “Boss-mare has to put up with me, I doubt Lyra can shock her.”

Lyra smirked at her. “Challenge accepted.”

Strumming smirked right back. “Mwa. Ha. Ha. You played right into my hooves again.”

I snorted and shook my head, once more reminded of how Star and Storm bounced off each other. It was probably one of the hidden benefits of being so old I’d missed out on a lot of Alula’s childhood. We’d never really developed much of a sibling rivalry. Maybe I would’ve had something like that with Storm, if not for Star becoming her most hated eternal rival and nemesis. In either case, I knew enough about that sort of back and forth to know I didn’t want to be in the middle of it. “Well, thanks for the talk.”

Lyra gave me a quick hug, taking care to avoid the baby bump. “Always happy to help! No running off just yet though, somepony needs a big breakfast since she’s eating for two.”

Strumming grinned and nodded along. “Yep! Lets feed whatever strange craving that foalbump is giving you before we give you a pat to the rump to send you on your way.” She paused, then amended, “As long as it’s not something really weird like mixing up ketchup, mayo, and mustard into a multi-colored slop, then putting that on green beans. Because that’s just gross, and would ruin my appetite. If you knew how much of a snacker I am, you’d know that’s terrible.”

“Just thinking about it isn’t doing me any favors.” I cleared my throat. “So … pancakes sound good.”

“Just pancakes?” Strumming prodded. “I thought you preggo ponies were supposed to want weird crazy food combos. Pancakes are just so normal.”

I thought it over for a bit. “Hmm, maybe with some strawberries? And I’m pretty sure I’ve got some vinegar leftover…”

Strumming grinned. “Now we’re talking.”

After a strange yet satisfying breakfast, I headed out to do something I really didn’t want to do. Well, more like I spent a couple minutes trying to think up a good enough excuse to not do it, then finally stopped being a coward and got to it. It’s not like the protest and my issues with Eepy would magically go away if I ignored them hard enough. I should know, I had a lot of experience with trying to pretending things that made me uncomfortable didn’t exist.

I’d barely gotten out the door when I spotted something just a bit suspicious: a roughly pony-sized cloud hovering suspiciously near Lyra’s house. I grinned and pulled together a bit of moisture, packing it into a walnut-sized patch of fog. Then I chucked it at the offending cloud.

As I’d suspected might happen, when the cloud blew away it revealed the most awesomely colorful pegasus in Ponyville. What I hadn’t been ready for was the fact that she was in the middle of her morning nap when I did that. “Oh, horseapples.”

Thankfully, Rainbow’s flying instincts kicked in and her wings snapped open as soon as she went into freefall. Her landing wasn’t exactly graceful, but she got all four hooves safely on the ground. She blinked the sleep out of her eyes, then glowered at me. “Nice wakeup call, butthead. What’d you do that for?”

My ears wilted. “Sorry, I didn’t know you were asleep.”

Rainbow sighed and shook her head. “S’fine. I’d kick your butt, but…” She nodded to my swollen belly. “Anyway, how you doing? Heard you got into a fight with ‘Shy. Wanted to check up on you, but Harpbutt wouldn’t let me in. She said I’d stress you out.” Rainbow snorted and tossed her head, making it quite clear exactly what she thought of that. “Fluttershy’s been worried about you. Just wanted to know if you were okay.”

“Right.” I took a deep breath. “Well, I was actually on my way to go see her, so…”

“Cool.” Rainbow circled around me, her eyes lingering on my preggo-belly. “Looks like you’re doing okay. You better be taking good care of my future godkid. Is Lyra feeding you alright? I bet she has way too much junk food around, and you need the healthy stuff. She didn’t make you sleep on the couch or anything, did she? You need a proper bed, or you won’t get good enough rest for the baby. You still have trouble with your hooves swelling? What about—”

“I’m fine,” I assured her with an indulgent smile. Rainbow was just way too cute when she was being a nurturing worrywart. “So … everything going okay with Eepy? The protest hasn’t been crazy or anything?”

“Nope.” Rainbow shrugged. “Mostly just kinda annoying. Everything around the palace is clogged up with hippies, and they’ve come up with some of the dumbest chants ever. I’m thinking of buying some headphones and just wearing them all the time. It’s gotta be better than hearing that ‘something’s gotta go’ thing one more time. I mean, I guess it’s cool that they’re standing up for what they believe in and stuff, but do they have to be so annoying about it?”

“Well, now I know what I have to look forward to.” I took a deep breath. “Wish me luck.”

“Luck,” Rainbow said flatly. “I’d come with you but I don’t wanna.”

“Your loyalty truly inspires me,” I deadpanned.

I headed off in the general direction of the protest. One advantage to Twilight’s giant crystal treehouse palace thing, it was easy to find from anywhere in Ponyville. Sure enough, the place now had a couple dozen nature-lovers and activists crowded around the entrance, waving signs and generally being a nuisance. Sure enough, Fluttershy was right in the middle of it all. I couldn’t help but smile when I spotted her sign. ‘Please reconsider your position on preserving the natural beauty of the Everfree Forest.’ Only Fluttershy would start a protest campaign with ‘please.’

Tree Hugger was right next to her, sitting down and working her way through a plate of brownies while clumsily strumming a guitar and singing a bit off-key:

We love the trees, and we love the land.

We love nature and everything green.

Imagine a forest where everything's peaceful.

All of nature living together in harmony.

All we are are saying is give trees a chance

Why oh why can’t the trees be our friends?

Yup, Hippie central. And I was going in. I just had to hope they hadn’t converted Fluttershy to their wicked, all-natural ways. Just the thought of what it could do to her cooking alone … I couldn’t live on a diet of strictly organic vegan food.

Thankfully, Fluttershy saw me before they could subvert her to their hippie ways. She smiled nervously, her sign dropping her side as she trotted over to me, apologizing when she bumped into one of her fellow protestors. “Cloud!” She gave me a hug, but quickly backed off. “Are you okay? I was so worried, but then Blossomforth said I should give you space, and there was so much work to be done, but I really wanted to see you, but Tree Hugger said I needed to give you your space too, and—”

I gently put a hoof over her lips and shushed her before she could spend the next fifteen minutes worrying and fussing over me.. “I’m fine, Eepy.” I took a deep breath, then slowly looked over the protest. “So, how’s it going?”

“Oh!” Her eyes cut back to her fellow demonstrators, and she remembered to lift her sign back up. “It’s, um, going. Honestly, it was kinda scary at first. There’s just so many ponies, and it’s so loud at times, and there’s so much going on…” She took a deep breath. “But I think I’m getting used to it. It’s kind of exciting, really.”

I wasn’t quite sure what to say to that, so I settled on neutral polite interest. “Glad to hear that everything’s going well.”

Fluttershy smiled and nodded. “No word from Twilight yet, but I like to think we’re making a difference. We’re getting the word out, at least.”

“Yeah, you’ve definitely gotten everypony’s attention.” A lot of that attention wasn’t exactly positive, but I’ve always heard there’s no such thing as bad publicity.

Peace beads clacking together heralded the arrival of Tree Hugger. “Hey again. Cloud.” She stared at me blankly for several seconds, as if she was trying to remember something. Finally, she settled on, “Uh, it is Cloud, right?”

“Right.”

Fluttershy delicately cleared her throat. “You met a few days ago at my home, Tree Hugger. Though I suppose it wasn’t for very long…”

Tree nodded along. “Excellent, yeah. Always glad to have someone else here to help out the cause.” She grabbed one of the spare signs and was halfway to offering it to me when she paused, blinking slowly. “Oh, right, so you're probably not for this. It's all groovy. You gotta be who you are, right? Sorry about blanking on you, met a lot of righteous ponies since we started this up.” She stared down at the signs. “I gotta find a better way to align us with the forest than by using stuff made out of the forest someday.”

“Gotcha,” I mumbled, mostly just so I could say something to acknowledge her and end the odd conversation. I was really here for Fluttershy. “Eepy, you got a bit? Got some stuff I’d like to talk to you about.”

“Of course.” She shot an apologetic look Tree’s way. “Um, I hope you don’t mind if I leave for a bit. It’s just…”

Tree Hugger nodded understandingly, giving her a very relaxed smile. “It’s all good, sister. Gotta settle things with your soulmate, so see to the body for a bit. I know you’re here in spirit. I’ll be sending lots of good vibes both your ways, okay?”

“Thank you.” Fluttershy smiled at her, so evidently whatever Tree Hugger had said was nice. “I’ll be back once I’m done talking with Cloud, assuming she doesn’t need anything. If something comes up, I'll, um, send a message or something. Sorry…”

Tree put a reassuring hoof on Fluttershy’s shoulder. “Hey, I’m all for advancing the cause, but you gotta take care of your soulmate too, especially when she’s carrying. Take however long you need.” She turned about and got back to the protest, though the uniquely funky smell that seemed to follow her everywhere took a lot longer to leave.

I cleared my throat. “Is there somewhere we can talk in private?”

“Oh, right. Um…” She looked over the crowd, biting her lip. “I guess we could always go home, but I’d hate to make you walk all that way. I wouldn’t want to impose on any of our friends, especially with everything else that’s been going on. I know they’re trying to avoid looking like they’re taking sides in my disagreement with Twilight. Maybe we could fly up to a cloud? Wait, no, I don’t want you flying too high in your condition…”

I sighed and rolled my eyes. I could still fly well enough, if a bit slower and more carefully than I used to. However, nopony else seemed to believe that. “You get the cloud, and I’ll fly up with it underneath me for support. Does that work for you?”

“That should work. Give me a minute.” She headed up and grabbed the biggest, softest, fluffiest cloud she could find. “Here we are. Up you go, nice and gentle. Be careful not to trip.”

I settled onto the cloud, and Eepy joined me a second later. With two sets of wings we got into the air without any trouble, and soon we were high enough up to be safe any eavesdroppers. Just to be safe, I pulled off a bit of the cloud to give us a quick little fog bank. It wouldn’t stop anyone who really wanted to spy on us, but it would make a pretty clear signal to any casual passers-by that we wanted our privacy.

Fluttershy coughed softly. “So…” One of her hooves scraped along the top of the cloud, and she couldn’t meet my eyes. “I guess we have some things to talk about.”

I took a deep breath and slowly let it out. “Yeah. We do. You wanna start, or—”

“I’d like to, if you don’t mind.” Fluttershy smiled apologetically, and I nodded my permission. “Thank you. I wanted to, um, I’m sorry for some of the things I said. I didn’t mean to insult you or the Guard, and I certainly didn’t want it to sound like you not joining the Guard meant that we wouldn’t have…” She sighed and shook her head. “I was so worried about my animal friends getting hurt that I said some things I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry.”

I gave her a quick hug. “I figured it was something like that once I calmed down a bit. Still needed to hear you say it, though. Thanks.”

Fluttershy hesitated and bit her lip. “Um, there was maybe one other reason I got a little upset with you. It’s just, I really wanted your support for what I was doing. This means a lot to me, so when I realized you didn’t agree with me…”

Despite all the talk from Lyra and her cousin about standing up for myself, I still flinched when I saw Eepy’s lip trembling. “I’m sorry. I just…”

She put a gentle hoof on my lips. “Cloud, just because you’re my special somepony doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything I say, or apologize for having your own opinion. I should have realized this would bother you, and I was putting you in a difficult position. I was so focused on what I wanted that I didn’t think enough about you.”

I gave her another hug. “It’s okay. I know what it’s like to get so passionate about something or wrapped up in what you’re doing that you lose focus.”

Fluttershy bit her lip and slowly nodded. “Still, I shouldn’t have—I don’t want to fight with you. It hurts, and I love you too much.”

“Same here, Eeps.” I leaned in and gave her a quick kiss. When that one went well, I opted for a second, and took my time with it. Things escalated pretty quickly from there, which made me very happy I’d had the foresight to set up a privacy screen.

Once we’d finished up, Fluttershy was cuddled up against me, one hoof gently rubbing my swollen belly. Thankfully, that hadn’t gotten in the way of the festivities. She smiled up at me. “So … I guess this means we’ve made up?”

“Yeah, I’d say so.” I gave her a kiss on cheek, feeling quite happy with myself. Make-up sex was the best. Not quite good enough to be worth the fight that had to come before it, but it was a pretty close thing. “Sorry.”

“I’m sorry too.” She shifted around, resting her cheek on my chest. “I hope everything’s been alright with Lyra and Bon Bon.”

“They’ve been pretty great,” I assured her. “But I’m looking forward to coming home.”

Fluttershy smiled. “I know it’ll be very nice to have you back. Home … it’s felt very empty without you there.”

“It will be nice to be back in my own bed.” Especially since it would mean not sleeping alone anymore. I’d gotten used to having Eepy and Blossom there. It kept my bed very warm and fuzzy, and gave me two ponies for snuggles. The guest bedroom at Lyra’s didn’t have that. I mean, maybe I could’ve tried to talk Lyra and Bon Bon into snuggling with me, but it wouldn’t have been the same. And not just because they weren’t pegasi.

I smiles and slowly ran a hoof down Fluttershy’s mane. “That settles the thing with us. Just leaves…” My eyes flicked down towards the palace.

Fluttershy bit her lip, then slowly shook her head. “Cloud, I’m sorry, but I can’t stop the protest just because it makes you uncomfortable. This is really important to me.”

“I know it is, sweetie.” I took her hoof in mine and gave it a gentle squeeze. “It’s … I don’t want it to seem like I’m not on your side or anything, but do you want my honest opinion?”

She took a deep breath, then slowly nodded. “It would probably be best if I knew how you felt. I’m sure Applejack would say something about how facing the unpleasant truth is a lot better than hiding from it.”

That sounded about like Applejack, except she would’ve explained it with some sort of farming metaphor none of us would’ve understood. However, Applejack wasn’t here to regale us with stories about greased pigs and how they symbolically represented our problems, so I had to make do with normal words. “I think you should’ve taken Twilight’s offer when she first brought it up, instead of starting all this.”

Fluttershy blinked in shock. “You do? But why? They’re going to cut into the forest, and some of my friends might get hurt.”

I nodded along. “Twilight would never deliberately hurt an innocent. I’m sure you know that. The only way she would ever hurt someone who doesn’t deserve it is by accident or ignorance. In other words the best way to make sure that doesn’t happen is for you to be involved. Tell them what trees they can cut down without causing any trouble for the local wildlife, and which ones need to be protected.”

She slowly nodded along. “That does make sense. But what if they want to do something that might get some of the animals hurt? What am I supposed to do then?”

“Show them a better way,” I suggested. “I took some Long Patrol classes at West Hoof, and they definitely like to know about ways to deal with animals that don’t involve fighting. I remember the first day of class, when our SI told us all that if the only reason we wanted to be in the Patrol was to fight monsters, we didn’t belong there. The Patrols job isn’t to fight monsters, it’s to save lives. I bet the Patrol would love to hear your ideas on how to handle things peacefully. They might even spread whatever you could teach them to other units.”

I was perhaps being a bit optimistic with that assessment. The Patrol certainly liked nonviolent solutions when they worked, but I suspected they might get a little tired of Fluttershy’s conflict resolution advice once she got to the section on pleading, begging, and beseeching. However, no sense in mentioning that when I was trying to sell Eepy on the idea.

She probably already suspected I was trying to put an optimistic spin on it, judging by her next question. “Are you sure they would listen to me? I’ve heard some of the things that’ve been said about everypony at the protest, and it doesn’t sound like they respect our opinion very much.”

If I was honest, she probably was going to get a much frostier reception thanks to the protest, but there was no fixing that. “Twilight wasn’t offering you a consultant fee just so she could ignore all your advice. If she tells them to listen, they will.”

Fluttershy got up and started pacing back and forth as best she could on our relatively small cloud. “Oh I don't know. This is a big responsibility. What if I mess up? What if I give somepony bad advice, or if something goes wrong because I can’t convince them to listen to me?”

I put my hooves on her shoulders to stop her before her pacing started wearing into our cloud. “I have faith in you. I know you’ll do your best, and I’ve seen your best—it’s pretty amazing. Even if you’re not perfect, you’ll accomplish a lot more by trying to help.”

“That makes sense.” She took a couple deep, calming breaths “But do you think Twilight will still be offering the consultation position? Her eyes flicked down to the small crowd of ponies gathered around Twilight palace. “She's probably very mad at me about all of this. She might not want my advice anymore.”

“Twilight’s one of you best friends,” I pointed out. “She not going to throw that away just because you two had a disagreement. Not after everything you’ve been through together. Maybe you’ll need to talk it out for a bit, but I’m sure you could manage.”

“That’s true.” She hesitated again, her eyes flicking back down the protest she’d helped organize. “But what would I tell everypony else? They’ve all given me a lot of help with this.”

“Tell them the truth.” Or at least, a somewhat carefully presented version of the truth. “Tell them that as a results of the protest you talked with Twilight, and now she’s making you a special consultant for how the Guard handles the Everfree. They’ll get advice from you about how to handle the creatures of the Everfree and ask you about any major policies.”

She bit her lip again, but very slowly started to nod. “That might work. I think. Maybe.” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I guess … I guess maybe I should try to talk to Twilight and see if she’d be okay with that?”

I smiled and wrapped a wing around her. “I think that would be a good idea.”

She sighed softly. “Alright then, I’ll try that. It’s not like Twilight will do anything worse than just say no, right?” She seemed a bit uncertain about that, so I gave her an encouraging nod. Twilight wasn’t going to hate Fluttershy and stop being her friend for suggesting a compromise. My encouragement seemed to bolster Eepy up, at least, and she smiled at me. “Plus it will make you feel better. That’s good too.”

I wasn’t sure I liked the sound of that. “Eepy … Fluttershy, I don’t want you doing this just to keep me happy. I want you to stand up for what you believe in, even if it's not what I believe in. You should only take the deal if it’s what you want.”

She frowned thoughtfully. “But I don’t want you feeling stressed.” She reached out to slowly stroke my belly. “And I want what’s best for everyone. I know it’s important to stand up for what I believe in, but I also know Twilight’s upset with me because of this. It’s … I never wanted to embarrass her or make her look like a bad princess. I just want to make sure all the creatures of the Everfree are safe. Even the ones that scare a lot of ponies.” She took a deep breath, then kissed my cheek. “So, yes. I’ll go talk to Twilight, and try to find something that can work. I’ll help you back to the ground first, though. Actually, is there anything else you need before I do that? Or do you want to come to the castle and talk to Twilight with me?”

I shook my head. “I’m fine, and I think you two probably need to talk it out yourselves. This is kind of between the two of you, and I’m not sure I’d be the best moderator. Kinda hard to stay neutral when I’m in love with you.”

She grinned and kissed my cheek. “That is a good point.”

I smirked and teasingly nudged her. “Besides, that way I can wait in one of the palace’s other rooms and make Spike cook lots of special food for me while you and Twilight do all the hard work of talking things out. I think that’s best for everypony.”

Fluttershy giggled and poked me in the ribs. “Or at least what’s best for you.”

I grinned and put my head on her shoulders. “Well, everypony keeps worrying about my health and happiness, since I’m pregnant and all. So really, I’m doing you all a favor by avoiding stress and eating well. It’s letting everypony around me relax and stop worrying. Plus Spike likes helping out and being useful. I’m doing it for all of you, not just for me.”

Eepy snorted softly. “I’m sure any day now, Rarity will say that you’re the one who should’ve gotten the Element of Generosity, not her.”

I blinked. “Fluttershy … was that sarcasm?”

She gasped softly, putting her hooves over her mouth. “Oh, sorry. Was it too much?”

I chuckled and wrapped a wing around her. “Nah, it was perfect.” I kissed her cheek again. “Look at you. Organizing a counter-culture protest and making sarcastic jokes. You really have come a long way. I’m proud of you.”

She beamed and leaned against me. “Thank you.” She hesitated a moment, then quickly amended, “Um, that wasn’t sarcasm. I really do mean it. Sorry, I’m still getting used to this.”

I snorted, and before long it had turned into full-blown laughter. “Oh, Fluttershy…”

After a couple hours of grueling negotiation, Fluttershy and Twilight walked out of her conference room. They were both smiling, which I figured was probably a good sign, but it never hurt to make sure. “You good?”

“We’re good.” Fluttershy confirmed. She smiled at Twilight, then glanced out the window. “Um, I should probably go let everypony know they don’t need to protest against you any more. I’ll have some of my friends clean up any mess they might have made on your lawn. Sorry.”

Twilight smiled and nodded. “It’s alright, Fluttershy. I’m just glad we’ve gotten everything else cleared up.”

“Me too.” Eepy glanced my way and bit her lip. “Um, it might take me a while to do all of that. Will you be alright going home on your own? I think Blossom’s working right now, but if you want I could go find her and see if she can walk you home.”

I sighed and rolled my eyes. “You know I can still walk perfectly well on my own, don’t you? I know I’ve been away for a couple days, but I haven’t forgotten how to get to our place.”

Fluttershy’s wings wilted. “Oh, of course. I just … I wanted to make sure you were safe. If you accidently tripped and fell down on the way back, or if anything happened to you and the baby because I wasn’t being careful enough, I would feel awful. I didn’t mean to smother you.”

Ouch. Time to feel guilty. Stupid pregnancy hormones. “I know, Eepy. Just tired of being treated like I’m a delicate little flower who’ll miscarry if somepony on the other side of town sneezes too hard or something.”

Twilight cleared her throat. “Actually, there were a couple things I wanted to talk to Cloud about first. Maybe I could have Spike make some of those nachos you like, and once we finish up I could have Cloud walk with him? He’s just a baby dragon, so I’d feel better with Cloud there to keep an eye on him.”

“That works for me.” I knew Twilight was just exploiting a technicality to salve my pride, but I could roll with it. I wasn’t being escorted home because I was a big slow bloated pony who couldn’t take care of herself, I was just looking out for the innocent helpless dragon. Totally different.

“Alright then.” Fluttershy gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. “I’ll see you when you get back.”

“Can’t wait.” I watched Fluttershy as she trotted off, taking a moment to admire her. I really was lucky to snag somepony as great as Eepy. Once she was out of sight I turned my attention back to the cute nerdy princess. “So, what’s up Twilight?”

Twilight smiled adorably. “Well, first off I wanted to thank you. Fluttershy said you helped convince her to settle things with me. I certainly won’t mind having all the protesters off my front lawn before the Archon shows up.”

I waved her thanks off. “My reasons were entirely selfish.”

“I don’t believe that.” She gave me a quick pat on the shoulder. “You’re a good pony Cloud. At times very immature pony with a terrible sense of humor and an overactive sex drive, but still a good pony.” She cleared her throat. “Which … actually kind of goes into the other thing I wanted to talk about. This whole incident has shown that there are a lot of potential complications with bringing in my new guards, and maybe we should have somepony to help smooth all those problems over. And … well, you did do a pretty good job of helping take care of this protest before it became an even bigger PR disaster.”

I blinked as I realized what was going on. “Um … are you offering me a job, Twilight?”

She coughed, and a bit of a nervous blush colored her cheeks. “Yes. I mean, Rainbow said you weren’t completely happy with the weather service, and I imagine that with Blossomforth getting promoted it could make things a bit awkward for you. I’m not sure what their rules are, but having a kid with your supervisor could cause some issues. Maybe a new job would be better for you, and … well, you’re very qualified. You’ve lived in Ponyville for years and know everypony here, and you’ve got the background to help out with my Guard too. Storm said you took a lot of the same classes she did while you were at West Hoof, so you could even help some with the Patrol. Plus it’s a job that would be a bit easier on you once you get further along. The weather service really isn’t a good job for a pony who can’t fly.”

Oh.

Huh.

A new job? Working for Twilight? And with the Guard? That was … that was big. Real big. I wasn’t incredibly eager to leave the weather service, but I’d never been all that attached to it. It was mostly just a job I could get easily that paid the bills.

I cleared my throat. “Do you mind if I take a bit to think about it?” I asked, shuffling in place. “Just, you know, a new job is a big deal. I should probably run it by Blossom and Eepy before I make any decisions too.”

Twilight smiled and nodded. “Of course, that’s fine. Just maybe let me know sometime in the next week or so? If you’re not interested, I do need to start looking for somepony else before any more problems come up.”

That made sense. I should probably get a bit more information before making a decision. “So what exactly would I be doing? What sort of pay are you offering? What about benefits? Sick days? And of course, the maternity leave rules are highly relevant…”

Twilight’s smile widened a bit. “I read in one of my books about negotiation that if somepony wants to start talking about the details, that means they’ve already accepted the general idea. Does that mean you do want the job?”

I took a deep breath and framed my answer carefully. “You’ve gotten my attention, but I’ll need more information before I know for sure. So…” We got down to serious negotiations.

Author's Note

As always, thanks to my pre-reading and editing team for all their hard work. Also, I would like to thank all my dedicated Patreon supporters. You guys are awesome.

Click here if you want to join the list of awesome people who support my writing.

Aidan Hall
Alt Grendel
Batbrony
Benjamin McLaren
Borg Lord
Brion Wauters
Charles M. Hagmaier
Chris Hall
ColdSilverD
Combine
Comma-Kazie
Creideiki
Cyanhyde
DaB.
Darkarma
Deep Cover
Dixie Daley
djthomp
Edmon Star
Emlyn Costilow
Errant
FallenAngelXy
Forderz
Jade Walters
Jessica T
Patrick
Ponibius
Shank
Singularity Dream
Sweet Gale
Sylvain Colinet
Trinary
waritah
Web of Hope
Zennyth

In With The New

After taking a couple days to think it over, I’d more or less reached a decision. The only thing left to take care of was actually telling everyone and making sure none of them pointed out a really obvious reason to change my mind.

Getting Derpy, Rainbow, Eepy, and Blossom together was easy enough. However, once I had four beautiful mares sitting in my living room, I couldn’t resist being ... well, myself. “So, you’re all probably wondering why I gathered you all together. I’d like to announce the beginning of our new weekly friendship orgy.” Before I could get any further, Rainbow smacked me in the face with a pillow. “I deserved that.”

“Darn right you did,” Rainbow grumbled good-naturedly. “You’d think being preggers would make you more responsible and less ... you.”

Blossom rolled her eyes. “I don’t think we’d know what to do with Cloud if she stopped acting like a lovable sex-crazed madmare.”

“That’s true,” Fluttershy murmured. “But she’s just joking. She’s not really trying to...”

“Of course she’s kidding,” Derpy agreed with a grin. “Though I doubt she’d complain too much if we went along with that. Really, I should’ve known she was up to something when she offered me muffins earlier. Guess I should have been more specific.”

I pulled out the basket of baked goods I’d promised her, carefully extracting one muffin for each of the other four ponies before setting it down in front of her. She immediately tore into them like a shark who’d spotted its next meal. “Everyone make sure to keep your hooves clear,” I warned. “We don’t want any more incidents.”

Derpy stopped eating just long enough to grumble. “I only did that one time...” and then got back to her meal.

I cleared my throat, doing my best to ignore the shower of crumbs coming from Derpy’s eating area. “Anyway, the real reason you’re all here is because I’ve got some big news I wanted to share with everyone.”

Rainbow smirked looking down at my swollen belly. “Lemme guess, you’re pregnant?”

“Ha ha, Rainbow.” I scoffed and rolled my eyes. “Also, ha.” I used a wing to brush some of Derpy’s leavings off my shoulder. “Anyway, let’s get down to business. Twilight offered me a new job.”

Rainbow blinked and frowned at me, cocking her head to the side. “Huh wha? Why would she do that? I mean, you already have a job. Having two jobs at once while you’re preggo seems like a bad idea.”

“What kind of job?” Derpy asked. “What does she want you to do? She’s royalty, so I bet she’s offering pretty good pay and benefits.”

“I already pay Cloud plenty,” Rainbow groused under her breath. “It’s not like she’s gotta get a second job just to pay the bills.”

I coughed to get everyone’s attention. “Well, as far as the job she’s offering me goes, after some recent events...” Everyone glanced Fluttershy’s way, then hastily made a point of looking somewhere else. “Twilight thought it might be a good idea to have somepony who could smooth out any issues between her new guards and the locals.”

Rainbow let out a breath. “Oh, well ... that’s just a temporary thing. I mean, since you’re pregnant and you can’t really do any weather work now, and we don’t do enough paperwork to keep you busy on desk duty all day every day. So yeah, that’s cool. Makes sense. By the time the kid’s out and you’re recovered you oughta be done helping out Twilight, and things can go back to normal.”

Oh dammit, I’d been worried Rainbow would have a hard time with this. “I don’t think it’s just a temporary thing, Rainbow.”

Fluttershy frowned down at the floor. “Um, I don’t want to tell you what to do, but I don’t think you can hold down two different jobs and raise a new baby at the same time.”

Well, so much for just leaving that part unsaid. “Um ... yeah.” I couldn’t meet Rainbow’s eyes as I confessed. “I’d need to resign from the weather team.”

Rainbow’s jaw hit the floor, and Fluttershy answered with a very soft “Oh.” She hesitated, then shot a hesitant look Blossom’s way. “Um, well, I guess we should look on the bright side? That would certainly make it easier on you.”

Blossom’s eyes fell to the carpets as she scuffed her hooves along them. “Well, yeah. I mean, I can't exactly be an objective boss when Cloud’s pregnant with our child. I’m pretty sure that if we both stayed in the weather service one of us would have to transfer.”

Derpy nodded. “That’s true, it’s against the rules to sleep with employees.” She frowned in deep thought, her wall eye slowly drifting back to look at what was left of the muffins as she scratched her chin. “And it is a pretty good job for Cloud. She has plenty of Guard background and also knows Ponyville well enough to get on with everyone here.”

“Yeah, but...” Rainbow cut herself off, staring down at the floor as her shoulders and wings drooped. “But Cloud and me’ve been working the weather for years. She’s my right-wing mare! I mean, yeah, I’m gonna leave to join the Wonderbolts before too much longer, but...” She shrugged listlessly. “I dunno. I kinda thought I’d be leaving things in your hooves.” She blinked and looked back up at me. “Is this because I promoted Blossom over you? I’m sorry. I didn’t have a choice. You’re pregnant and about to go on leave for months and—”

I held up a hoof to cut her off. “It’s not just that, Dash.”

“Not just that.” Rainbow repeated. “So it is a factor, isn’t it?”

I took a deep breath and reluctantly nodded. “I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make Twilight’s offer more tempting.”

Rainbow slumped even lower on the sofa, looking like she wanted nothing more than to sink into the cushions and disappear. “I wasn’t ... I was just trying to...”

“You did what was right for the weather team,” I assured her. “Having a new boss is always going to be a tricky transition. The last thing we needed was for me to take over, then get replaced for months by Blossom when I went on maternity leave, then take back over just when they were getting used to Blossom being in charge.”

“Not to mention that if you’d put Cloud in charge, I’d be in the same boat she’s in,” Blossom added. “It’s not like having her as my boss would make for any less of a conflict of interest than the other way around.”

Derpy sighed maternally and wrapped a wing around Rainbow. “It was bound to happen sooner or later. They’re both really good at their jobs, and they both work on the same team. You couldn’t just refuse to promote either one of them to avoid relationship complications.”

“Yeah but...” Rainbow bit her lip, staring down at the floor. “It was a lot easier when that wasn’t staring me in the face, and Cloud wasn’t quitting ‘cause I promoted Blossom. Now it feels like I’m the one who broke up the old gang. Soon as I get into the Wonderbolts, everypony just goes their own way.”

“Hey.” I grabbed Rainbow and gave her a gentle scalp massage. “Just because we have different jobs doesn’t mean we’re not still friends. Derpy and Fluttershy don’t do weather work most of the time, and you’re still pals with them.”

“It’s not like Cloud won’t be coming home every night,” Blossom added. “The only difference is now we’ll have different stories about what happened to us at work.”

Fluttershy nodded her agreement. “Nothing’s breaking up, Rainbow. It’s not like we have the same jobs as Twilight, Pinkie, or Rarity, and we’re all still friends.”

“That’s true.” Rainbow nodded, a smile slowly returning to her lips. “I mean, yeah, it’ll stink to not be able to bug Cloud at work, but I guess that’s a small price to pay to get to hang out with the Wonderbolts.”

Derpy smiled and nodded. “Everything’s going to be fine. Really, you’ll be the only one who’ll be out of Ponyville most of the time.”

Rainbow’s tentative smile vanished in an instant, her worried frown returning twice as deep. I swooped in to do some quick damage control in my own unique way. “There’s still time to join my harem if you think you’ll miss me that much, Dash.”

Rainbow grumbled several less than friendly things under her breath and scooted away from me. “Shuddup, Cloud. I’m gonna have to buy a spray bottle to keep you off...”

I chuckled and gave her a quick pat on the head. “Love you too, Dash.”

Rainbow grunted and scowled. Apparently my joke hadn’t been enough to get her out of her funk. “This is how friends start to drift apart, isn’t it? We have different jobs in different places, get caught up in new routines .... soon we’ll be hanging with different ponies at work and when we get together we won’t have anything in common to talk about. I’ll have my Wonderbolt stuff, Cloud will have her guard liaison-ing and Blossom’ll have the weather...”

I sighed patiently. “I’ll never stop being your friend, Rainbow.”

“Maybe we’d never stop being friends,” Rainbow conceded. “But soon you’ll have somepony in the Guard you’ll be around all day, having your own fun and jokes and stories that I won’t be a part of. We’ll all just become a smaller part of each other’s lives, until I go from being your awesome best friend to that old childhood friend you haven’t seen for months and keep meaning to hang out with, but never find the time for.”

I gently rubbed her shoulder. “Dash, sweetie, nobody’s ever gonna replace you.”

“Why not?” she snapped petulantly. “I’ve got other best buds, and now Blossom’s apparently my right-wing mare at work instead of you. Sure looks like I’ve replaced you, and now you’re getting a new job.”

I flinched, and Derpy did her best to help to calm Rainbow down. “That’s different, Rainbow. No job’s going to have the same ponies around forever.”

“Yeah.” I shuffled on the couch, not quite willing to meet her eyes. “Weather work ... I liked it well enough, but I honestly only ever did it because it was a job you could help me get real quick and easy right after I moved to Ponyville. We were friends before we worked together, and I don’t see any reason we wouldn’t stay friends after.”

“No one ever plans to leave a friend,” Rainbow grumbled. “They just do it without even realizing it. It’s like what happened with me and Gilda. Back in the Junior Speedsters we were super tight, but when I met up with later it was like I didn’t even know her anymore.”

Blossom sighed. “Rainbow, after everything you and Cloud have been through together, do you really think you could lose each other just because she has a new job?”

“No, it’s just...” She sighed and shook her head, visibly struggling to find the right words. “It’s just that she's had so many changes lately. Hooking up with you guys, getting pregnant, landing a new job. What’s left for me and Cloud?”

Fluttershy set down her tea cup to meet Rainbow’s eyes. “What is it you want?”

“I dunno,” Rainbow shrugged listlessly, then shot a halfhearted glower my way. “Not that, before you suggest it. I just ... I just want to have something for me. It feels like there might not be any place for me in Cloud’s new life.”

I had a pretty good idea of exactly what she needed. “C’mere, you big softy.” Rainbow shifted over, and I immediately wrapped her in a huge bear hug. “You’re my number one best bud, Dash. That’s never changing.”

“It better not,” Rainbow grumbled, squeezing me back as hard as she dared. “Or else I’m totally teaching your kid to kick your butt and be the biggest brat ever. Every time I visit I’ll spoil the kid rotten, then leave you to put up with it after I’m gone.”

“You already do that with Dinky,” Derpy shot back with a grin.

Rainbow smiled proudly and nodded. “Which just goes to show that I’m not bluffing.” She frowned, then amended, “Not that Dinky could ever be bratty or spoiled, but Cloud’s kid’ll be half-Cloud. Much more corruptible.”

I smirked and pecked her forehead. “Butthead.”

Rainbow snorted and warded me off. “Bah. I’ll teach the kid to call you butthead.”

I couldn’t let that pass unchallenged. “So basically, she’ll pick up bad words from you? Yeah, that’s a great way to convince me you’d be a positive influence I’d want to have around my kid.”

“I wouldn’t teach her anything too bad,” Rainbow offered in her own defense. “I did just fine with Dinky. Besides, I should leave you something to teach the kid yourself.” She smirked at me. “I’ve got a bet going with Derpy that her first word will be ‘Bang!’”

“I can watch my vocabulary around the kids,” I grumbled before turning on a certain walleyed pegasus. “And really, Derpy? You’re betting against me?”

“I don’t see it as betting against you so much as observing the situation,” Derpy countered with a grin. “For the record, I’m betting the foal’s first word will be the same as Dinky’s, if only because Rainbow will spend hours trying to coach it into saying her name.”

“It wasn’t that much,” Rainbow groused. Judging by her quick change of subject, she knew she didn’t have any chance of convincing us. “So...” She grinned and poked my side. “If you’re retiring, then that means we get to throw you a retirement party! Though since you’re all pregnant and stuff, we can’t make it too crazy.”

I grinned and nodded. “So no more than a dozen strippers, got it.”

Rainbow rolled her eyes. “I really don’t get the idea behind that. We don’t even wear clothes most of the time, so what’s so exciting about watching someone take them off?”

“It’s more about the presentation and spectacle than what’s underneath the clothes,” I explained to my poor ignorant friend. “With a good enough performance, you could make something as mundane as eating pancakes erotic.”

Rainbow frowned skeptically. “I’m tempted to call horseapples on that, but I know that would just make you try to eat pancakes sexily.”

“You’re not wrong,” Blossom chimed in. “And Cloud could do it. Granted, that was with cake.”

“And muffins,” Derpy added with a grin.

“And flowers,” Eepy agreed, flushing slightly.

“Way more than I needed to know.” Rainbow glowered at each of the other mares in turn. “Anyway, back to the talking about something that’s not totally gross, Cloud’s party.” She frowned and looked me over. “Maybe we could get a piñata that looks like you.”

I rolled my eyes. “Be classy, Dash.”

“I’m as classy as I am Dash-y,” Rainbow shot back. “You’re just gassy.”

I rolled my eyes even harder. “I can see you’re really upset about losing me.”

“I got used to having you around.” She hesitated, her teasing grin fading away. “Besides, I don't like to leave my friends hanging. Or, you know, have them leave me that way. Feels like so much is changing. No more Elements, Twilight's a Princess, you’re a mom, I’m training with the Wonderbolts ... hard to take anything for granted anymore. And well, I guess I do that with you sometimes. I mean, we’ve been best pals since forever, and now...” She sniffed and wiped her eyes. “I get it. Things change. But what if our friendship is one of those things?”

I hugged her again, gently rubbing her back. “It’s not. What do I need to do to convince you that won't happen?”

She bit her lip, then shrugged. “I dunno. Just ... something.”

I gave her a prompting nudge. “Just about anything’s on the table, Dash.”

She took a deep breath. “I ... I want something new. Blossom and Fluttershy hooked up with you, Derpy has you helping her with her kids, and now Twilight’s gonna be your new boss. They’re all getting new things, and I’m just losing stuff. I feel like if our friendship stays the same, it’s just gonna get old and fade into the background. I need to have something to do with all this new stuff you got yourself mixed up in.”

Blossom shot a look Rainbow’s way that was half-teasing and half-curious. “Miiight wanna be careful about making such an open-ended request with Cloud. Just saying, you know what she’s going to suggest if you say you want some new special relationship with her.”

I probably would’ve done that if the situation wasn’t so serious. Now wasn’t the time to tease Dash. That would come later, and often, but it wasn’t right now. “That’s not what Rainbow wants from me, Blossom.”

“Yeah Blossom, quit being so pervy.” Rainbow turned to me, smirking. “Can you believe her, Cloud?”

“No idea where she gets such ideas from,” I agreed.

“Sad, really,” Rainbow concluded.

Blossom snorted and rolled her eyes at both of us. “Oh come on, we were all thinking it. You keep going on about how you want something new and deeper with Cloud, when you two are already so close that sometimes I get jealous.”

Fluttershy bit her lip and slowly nodded. “There are a few things Cloud seems much more comfortable talking to Rainbow about than us.”

Rainbow looked back and forth between my two lovers. “It’s not like that—it’s just that we’re, well, we’re awesome-adventurous types. So we got that in common. Anyway, it’s because you guys are in a relationship with Cloud that she can’t talk to you about some of the stuff we talk about. Point is, you really don’t need to be worried about me. I’m pretty much the only friend Cloud has that she hasn’t jumped into bed with.”

“So you’re basically Cloud’s voice of neutral objectivity?” Derpy asked, grinning and nudging Rainbow. “Cloud’s in so much trouble.”

Rainbow scoffed and shook her head. “Oh come on, I am totally reasonably objective. I’m the only pony who can be friends with her without being taken in by her weird sex aura thing.”

“My weird sex aura thing?” I repeated incredulously.

“You know...” Rainbow waved a hoof vaguely in the air. “How you somehow convince ponies who are otherwise completely sane, normal, and intelligent that it would be a good idea to have sex with you. That.”

I cocked my head to the side, trying to figure out what the hay she was saying. “You mean my knack for being charming and fun to hang out with? Because that’s really all there is to it.”

“She has a good sense of humor too,” Derpy chimed in. “And shocking as it sounds, she really has been a good influence on the girls.”

“And she’s very committed to her friends and family,” Blossom agreed. “Even when she messes up, she always tries to make it right.”

“And she’s always willing to help.” Eepy said, beaming at me. “Anytime I ask her to help me take care of my animals, she does it without a moment’s hesitation. At least, before she got pregnant—obviously she can’t do that now.”

She was right about that. I was pretty sure that the fact that Angel hadn’t mysteriously disappeared yet made me a borderline saint, but I wisely kept that thought to myself. Besides, I hadn’t come up with a foolproof plan to get rid of the body yet.

Rainbow frowned skeptically at Fluttershy. “So basically, you’re saying that Cloud’s great because you have her totally Flutterwhipped?”

Blossom chuckled. “Oh, I’d say I’ve got her at least equally Blossomwhipped.” She paused, then frowned. “Um ... Forthwhipped? No, that doesn’t sound good either...”

“You tried,” I assured her with a wing pat. “I can’t ask for much more than that.”

“Makes sense.” Rainbow smirked at me. “Cloud has to sympathize with anypony who makes a good effort. After all, she’s the most trying pony I know.” She took a deep breath, then nodded to herself. “Okay, so that’s my role hammered out. I keep Cloud from getting too whipped, and I’m the totally level-headed and grounded voice of reason.”

“Luna help us all,” Derpy murmured under her breath.

“Point is, I’m awesome,” Rainbow continued over her. “And I help Cloud stay awesome by being her number one best bud. If I wasn’t around, you’d probably keep her bare-hooved and pregnant in the kitchen. I mean, she’s already got two out of three, and the kitchen isn’t that far away from the living room...”

“See?” I nudged Rainbow, pointedly ignoring how ridiculous her worries about my future were. Not like I’d never been silly. “I need you around, which means you never have to worry about us drifting apart. I’d be lost without my best bud. Besides, the kid’s going to need its honorary unofficial Aunt Boe. Every kid needs a cool aunt or uncle.”

“That’s true,” Rainbow agreed, perking up a bit more. “Alula’s a bit young to do that, and Star and Storm would probably turn it into a sibling rivalry thing. Plus, while the rest of Cloud’s family is pretty cool, they’re not me.”

“So there we have it,” I concluded, giving her another hug. “You get to be Cool Aunt Boe.” I ruffled her mane. “Were you really that worried?”

“’Course not.” She tried to put on a brave show, but I caught the hint of relief in her relaxed shoulders. “Don’t be stupid, stupid.”

“Oh Rainbow, you goofball...” I pulled her in for a quick chaste kiss. “I’d never leave you.” I was tempted to pull her in for some quality snuggling time when a worrying thought sprang to mind. “If you make a crack about my breath right after I kiss you, I’m kicking your butt no matter how pregnant I am.”

“Weeeell...” Rainbow grinned far too widely for my liking. “I wasn’t gonna say anything, but since you brought it up, it would be great if you could lay off the vinegar bread before you try kissing me. Seriously, it tastes like you sandblasted my mouth right now.”

“You brat,” I grumbled.

“She’s not wrong,” Blossom treacherously agreed. “I know it helps with your cravings, but please don’t share it. Especially since you kiss me way deeper than you do Dash.”

Rainbow nodded sagely. “That’s the mother of your child speaking, Cloud. You should listen.”

“Eepy?” I asked, turning to the only mare I could apparently rely on.

“Um...” She bit her lip. “It can be a bit strong.”

Derpy immediately threw up her hooves. “Don’t ask me. Not that I’m not flattered, but I’d rather not kiss you just to see if your vinegar-breath is really as bad as they say.”

“You’re all terrible,” I groused. “Ganging up on the poor pregnant mare.” Still, there was one undeniable fact about the situation. Feeding my seemingly endless cravings could potentially have a negative impact on my sex life. That put things in perspective. “I’ll find a new way to deal with my cravings, okay?”

“Small favors,” Rainbow grumbled.

I sighed. “I am so unappreciated.”

Blossom chuckled and hugged me. Eepy joined in a second later, and Derpy was hot on her hooves. Rainbow rolled her eyes, but she didn’t stay out of the group hug for long.

In hindsight, I really should’ve known that Twilight would overdo her new employee orientation. Mostly because Twilight always loves to over-prepare for things, and she absolutely loves telling ponies about things. If not for her being a royal protégé and eventually becoming a princess herself, she probably would’ve gone into teaching or been a librarian.

By the time we got around to actually seeing my new office I’d gone through three full days of lecturing, most of which consisted of information I’d either already known or could’ve pretty easily picked up on with common sense. The Guard hadn’t changed that much since all my training at West Hoof, and Storm was picky about running everything by the book. However, I still had two binders full of information Twilight had generously provided to help me get started, not to mention all the reference materials that would no doubt be waiting for me in my office.

Twilight—I should probably get used to being a bit more formal and calling her Princess Twilight now that I worked for her—was trotting alongside me with a huge smile on her face. “Remember, if you have any questions at all, I’m always happy to help. I’ll try to get you a copy of my weekly schedule every Monday so you’ll know when I’m available. Just bear in mind that the schedule is subject to change whenever there’s a friendship problem or a pony-eating monster attacks the town.”

“Monsters are horribly rude about not giving you at least two weeks advance notice before they show up.” I grinned impishly, but Twilight’s answering nod was a bit too serious. Working for a pony who could be just a touch high-strung and neurotically obsessed with organization would probably take some adjusting after Rainbow’s much more laid-back attitude. I don’t think Dash would care or even notice if I came back from lunch five minutes late. Twilight...

Oh well. I’d known what I was getting up to when I took the job. I’d been friends with Twilight before she’d sprouted wings, and while Storm was far too professional to gossip about her boss, I’d heard and seen enough to know what she had to put up with. Besides, Twilight was a sweetheart. A neurotic schedule-obsessed sweetheart, but still a sweetheart.

Said sweetheart opened up the door to my new office, grinning as she showed it off. “Here are your bookshelves, I personally organized them for you according to the standards of the Royal Canterlot Library. I also made sure to get you one of the comfiest chairs in the palace, and a desk with plenty of clearance to account for your condition.”

“Thanks.” I settled down into the chair, testing it out. It lived up to her claim of being comfy, at least. Maybe a bit too comfy if I was supposed to be getting work done instead of taking a nap. Then again, if my biggest complaint about my new job was that my work chair was too comfortable, I had it pretty good. “I’m looking forward to getting started. It should be fun.” I paused, then amended, “Well, as long as I don’t fail horribly on my first day.”

Twilight smiled and gave me a reassuring pat on the shoulder. “I don’t expect you to get everything perfect your first day on the job, especially since this is a bit of an ad hoc position to start with. I think you’ll be fine, and I’m not going to fire you as long as you show up to work and don't do something crazy like set the entire palace ablaze.”

I nodded along understandingly. “So no inviting Derpy over, got it,” I grinned. “Just make sure you don’t allow any muffins on the premises.”

Twilight started to open her mouth, then closed it. “I was going to say that setting a building made entirely out of crystal on fire should be impossible even for her, but I know better than to tempt fate that blatantly.”

“Everyone always says you’re supposed to be really smart,” I agreed. I counted off the rules on my hooves. “So, I have to actually show up for work and I can't set the palace on fire? You’re really drowning me in red tape and regulations, Twi.”

“Hardly.” Storm rapped a hoof on the doorframe, a touch too late for the request to be entirely genuine. “I think you will find that most of the rules are either quite reminiscent of what you learned at West Hoof or are simple common sense. I am sure you recall the old standby for handling any uncertainty in the rules.”

“If I have to ask if it’d be okay, it’s probably not okay,” I repeated dutifully. It had been a pretty key principle for making sure I didn’t give Rainbow any extra headaches back in my younger and wilder days. That wasn’t likely to be an issue for Twilight now that I’d mostly settled down.

Oh Shadow, I was going on about the good old days back before I got old. Soon I’d be shaking my cane at the kids and screaming at them to get off my lawn.

Twilight smiled and nodded. “I try to be reasonable—I just want a friendly workplace where everyone is happy and comfortable. There are going to be a few differences from the usual office environment due to the palace also being my home, and some old laws involving that. I know we already went over the basics, but if you’d like an in-depth discussion I’m sure I could extend your orientation for another day. There’s some really fascinating case law regarding—”

“I think I’ll be okay,” I quickly assured her before she build up too much enthusiasm for a new round of lecturing. “Back at West Hoof I took a class on the sort of things royal guards are supposed to know, so I should have some idea of what I’m doing.”

Twilight smiled and nodded. “You should be fine then. My rules are pretty much a direct copy of Celestia’s, except with less formality and ceremony.” She chuckled and grinned sheepishly, leaning in and whispering. “I really don’t think I’m ever going to get used to having ponies bow to me. It makes me feel so self-conscious.”

Evidently her whisper wasn’t quiet enough, because Storm answered. “They do that to show their respect for you and your office, Highness.”

“I know,” Twilight’s ears drooped a bit. “But it just ... it’s not like I see myself as better than other ponies just because of these.” She opened up her wings for a second to make her point. “So ... that makes it a bit odd when so many other ponies seem to think that.”

I cleared my throat and hopped into the conversation I probably had business getting involved in. “Pretty scary, isn’t it?”

Twilight blinked at me, clearly wrong-hoofed by the question. “Um, what?”

“I was just thinking.” I looked at her wings, then down at my big bloated belly. “Guess we’ve both been dealing with our bodies going through a lot of crazy changes that have sent our lives down a path we’d never really expected. I know what I’m going through isn’t exactly the same thing, but ... well I dunno about you, but it scares me. I mean, pretty much everything in my life is changing because of this, and now I’m dealing with a lot of new responsibilities. Kind of hard not to constantly worry about what happens if I this screw up. It’s not just my life I’d be ruining anymore, you know?”

Twilight bit her lip and nodded. “I ... yes, I think I know what you mean. If I’m honest, all of...” She waved at her own wings, than at the palace itself. “All this was pretty scary at first. But I like to think I’ve done a pretty good job with it. I’m sure you’ll be fine too. You have a pretty good head on your shoulders, and you have Blossomforth and Fluttershy to help you. Whenever I’m not sure about my choices, I can always count on my friends to help me.” Her cheeks flushed a bit as she amended, “I know they’re a bit more than friends, but I’m sure the same principle applies. And there’s always Rainbow, Derpy, or ... well, I’d like to think we’re friends too.”

“Yeah, we are.” I grinned. “I suppose there might be one or two differences now that you’re my boss too, but I managed to handle having Rainbow as my boss for years, I’m sure we’ll be fine.”

“Of course.” She smiled back at me. “And really, I want to be friends with all my staff anyway. If there’s ever anything bothering you, just let me know and I’ll do whatever I can to help.”

Storm softly cleared her throat. “I have found that often we only learn how much we are capable of when we put ourselves to the test. If I refused to do anything new for fear of failure, I would not be captain of Her Highness’ royal guard.”

“That’s one way to think about it,” Twilight agreed. “I know that's the only way I’ve been able to figure out what I can really do.” She grinned and playfully nudged my cousin. “Though speaking of change, maybe someday you’ll finally be able to try relaxing a bit and not always being so stiff and formal. I’m sure I’ve told you a dozen times now that unless we’re in a formal setting you don’t have to call me ‘your highness’ or anything like that.”

A faint grin quirked Storm’s lips. “Let us not go too crazy with embracing change, Highness.”

“Was that a joke?” I asked with a grin. “I didn’t know Storm could do those.”

Storm rolled her eyes and deadpanned. “I am fully capable of the laughter.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” I teased. We all chuckled, including Storm. As far as I’m concerned, that didn’t immediately kill my joke, since there’s a difference between a soft chuckle and full-blown laughter. However, once I was done laughing at my own lame joke, my mind went back to the matter at hoof. “I never would’ve thought I'd wind up working for royalty after everything I’ve been through, but ... here we are.”

“Yup,” Twilight agreed with a friendly smile, her horn lighting up as she pulled out a couple charts I recognized from my earlier briefings. “If you’re not sure who you need to go to, just make sure to consult this. I made sure there was a copy in your orientation notebook. As far as the official hierarchy goes, you’re technically a civilian consultant reporting directly to me. However, for most of the day-to-day stuff you’ll be working with Storm since she’s in charge of my guards.”

Storm nodded along. “I do not think there should be any issues since you are a civilian consultant rather than a direct subordinate subject to the military chain of command. As I am sure came up at some point during Her Highness’ five-hour presentation on the dress code, you may wear armor in our clan colors without any rank marking. However, for some occasions it might be wiser to remain in civilian dress to avoid any confusion.” With a hint of a dry smile she added, “As for the chain of command, I think we shall get along quite well. We are family after all, not to mention that I am impervious to your charms and will thus be unflappably objective if a conflict should arise.”

I smirked at her. “I’ve still got my awesome-older-cousin-you-look-up-to charms to fall back on.”

“Of course you do,” Storm deadpanned.

“Yes, making sure Cloud didn’t charm half my staff into having some sort of wild sex party during office hours was one of of my top concerns.” Twilight impressed me with how much sarcasm she managed to fit into a single sentence.

“Only half?” I tsked and shook my head. “You wound me, Twilight.”

She just rolled her eyes and didn’t rise to the bait. “Anyway, I was thinking of setting up a nursery in one of the empty rooms in this wing for anypony that needs somewhere to drop their kids off while working at the palace.”

“That should come in handy once I’m no longer a wide load,” I agreed. “Though I suspect it’ll be a while before I really need to worry about daycare. Eepy mostly works out of her house, and you and Rainbow are both being really nice about maternity leave. Not to mention I’ve got Derpy and Rainbow to fall back on foalsitting.”

Twilight grinned. “Well if I’m being completely honest, I probably would end up stealing your kid from the daycare center for some royal pampering at some point.”

“You will not be alone in that, Highness,” Storm murmured. “If you hope to see me acting slightly less formal, exposing me to my new once-removed cousin would do nicely.” She paused, the grimaced. “Never tell my sister I said this, but she was right: it does sound better to call Cloud’s foal my niece than my once-removed cousin, regardless of accuracy.”

I grinned and nodded along. “Considering Rainbow’s already claimed the post of unofficial aunt despite not being related to me at all, I’m pretty sure we can get away with calling my cousins unofficial aunts too.”

Twilight nodded along. “I suppose there’s no harm in using informal terms as long as we all know what the proper one is. And as long as Cloud’s kid is gathering up unofficial aunts, I wouldn’t mind being added to the tally. I think I’d be a pretty good aunt.”

“If she has a princess for an unofficial aunt, does that make the kid royalty?” I teased.

“I’m not sure it works that way,” Twilight shot back with a grin. “I think the most we could say is that an unofficial aunt would make your child unofficial royalty. I can buy a few birthday presents, and help out with a recommendation letter so your child can go to a good school.”

I chuckled and shook my head. “Kid’s not even born yet, and you’re thinking about what college it’ll go to. That’s so ... you.”

“Education is an important part of child-rearing,” Twilight answered. “Though I suppose we could wait and see what your child’s talents are ... and whether it’s a pegasus, unicorn, or earth pony. I probably shouldn’t fill out an application for Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns unless I know you’re having one.”

“That would make sense,” I agreed. We were supposed to get a solid answer on that before too much longer. The next round of tests would be able to confirm if the foal was sprouting wings or growing a forehead bump. “Might be handy if it did come out as a unicorn. If nothing else, it would avoid the inevitable fights over who gives my kid flying lessons.”

“I do hope my name is on the list of contenders,” Storm grunted.

“Of course,” I assured her. “Though the tournament bracket didn’t turn out too great for you. You’ll have to fight Dad in the first round, and Rainbow Dash in the second.”

“Nopony will ever find the bodies,” Storm deadpanned.

“And on that cheerful note...” I stretched out in my comfy chair, taking a look around. “I really need to add a bit of personality to this place. I’m pretty sure I’ve got all twenty pages of your policies on acceptable office and desk decoration.”

“Don’t forget appendices A through G,” Twilight helpfully reminded me.

“Of course not.” I tapped my empty desk, frowning in thought. “Still, I need to work out something to do with the place. I mean, I’ve gotta add some of my own personal flair to the office, if only so I’ll have something to look at other than a bunch of paperwork.”

Twilight grinned at me. “Actually, I took the liberty of making a few preparations for you. Twink should be by any minute now with...”

A knock on the door announced the arrival of Magus Twinkleshine. She tossed a quick salute Storm’s way and a perfunctory bow to Twilight. “Captain, Highness. And yes, Twilight, I know I don’t have to bow or use titles, but if I don’t my CO gets grumpy.”

“I do not get grumpy,” Storm grumbled. “I merely point out that neglecting protocol in an informal setting makes it more likely an accidental breach of decorum will occur in public.”

I couldn’t resist taking advantage of the opening. “She sounds pretty grumpy to me.”

“She’s not too upset,” Twilight assured us. “And I understand her concerns, even if I trust all of you to have good judgement about that kind of thing.”

I grinned and nodded. “I know better than to smack your butt and call you a hottie in public.”

Twilight just rolled her eyes, while Twinkleshine snorted. “Okay, now I see why Tor warned me about your sense of humor.”

My smile vanished in an instant. I’d almost forgotten Twinkleshine was dating Dad. Worse, she was still dating Dad. I could’ve accepting him having a bit of a fling with a younger mare. I mean, I wouldn’t have loved it, but he’s only equine and Mom had been gone for years. But they’d been together for months at this point, so it was hard not to wonder if maybe it was a bit more serious than that.

Twinkleshine must have picked up on the massive spike in awkward tension in the room, because she smiled nervously and used her magic to lift up a box. “Um, your father gave me a few things for you. He thought you might like a few family photos for your desk.”

“Oh.” I took the box and glanced through it. “Uh, thanks.”

“Of course.” Twinkleshine glanced at me for a moment, then quickly broke eye contact.

As one would expect from a princess of friendship, Twilight spotted the awkward tension and jumped in to defuse it. “Was there anything else you needed, Cloud? I’m sure Twinkleshine could pick up anything else you wanted from your family.”

“Um...” I spared a quick look at the mare in question, then shook my head. “Can’t think of anything I’d need, no.”

“Uh, right.” Twinkleshine coughed and took a step back towards the door. “Well then ... maybe I should stop interrupting and let Her Highness finish your orientation?”

Twilight frowned and looked back and forth between the two of us. “Is something wrong?”

“I think it has to do with the Knight-Magus being involved with my uncle,” Storm answered with her usual bluntness.

“Oh, right.” Twilight smiled reassuringly at both of us. “Well, if you two need a bit to talk things over and get it settled, that’s fine. Storm and I can wait outside.”

Oh horseapples. That was the last thing I wanted. I scrambled to find a diplomatic way out of the situation. “I’d hate to interrupt you.”

For once, Twinkleshine and I seemed to be on the same page. “I couldn’t ask you to interrupt your business just so I can tend to a personal matter.”

Twilight’s smile just grew as she evidently misunderstood our frantic scrambling for a way out and took the modest at face value. “Oh don’t worry, I’d hate to force you two to leave things unresolved just so I could stick to my schedule. Besides, I included flex time in my day plans for a reason. Come on, Storm, it’s been a few weeks since we checked all the supply closets, and I’m sure they need to be re-optimized. Spike might be my number one assistant, but sometimes he puts things away without consulting the chart first.”

Twilight and Storm stepped out, leaving me alone in a room with a mare I’d have preferred to avoid for the next several decades. I briefly considered going for the window again, but I was probably way too pregnant to pull that off this time. Plus Twilight would probably follow up on the whole thing now that she’d detected a friendship problem. If I didn’t sort things out on my own she’d no doubt constantly offer to help in that innocently friendly way nice ponies always do, which would make it just about about impossible to stick to my current strategy of ignoring the problem and hoping it would magically go away on its own.

Twinkleshine bit her lip, then took a deep breath and settled into the chair opposite my desk. “So ... uh ... I guess you’re not too wild about me and Tor, are you?”

I flinched a bit. “It’s not—I mean, you seem nice enough, and I guess Dad likes you.” A moment later I realized how stupid that sounded. “I mean, of course he likes you. He wouldn’t be dating you if he didn’t. It’s just...” I struggled for the words. “It’s weird.”

“I think I know what you mean,” she agreed with a chuckle. “If it’s any consolation, it’s strange for me too. I don’t have a lot of experience with dating stallions who already have kids, let alone a daughter who’s the same age as me. And ... well, it’s not hard to guess what some ponies think when they see a young mare dating an older stallion: I’m either a gold digger or his mid-life-crisis trophy mare.”

“I’m pretty sure you’re not either of those,” I assured her. “Dad ... he took losing Mom pretty hard—we all did—but I don’t think he’s so broken up he’d get involved in a stupid relationship. Plus you’re friends with Twilight, and Storm seems to like you. I don’t think either of them put up with a mare who’s taking advantage of Dad. And ... well he seems pretty happy with you.”

Twinkleshine smiled softly. “He really is a nice guy. And ... well, I know he’s a bit worried about how you’re handling us being together.”

“Oh.” I pulled out one of the pictures from Twinkleshine’s box, a photo of me back in my West Hoof day, standing in between Mom and Dad. I took a deep breath. “It’s gonna be a long time before this isn’t weird, but I’ll work on it. It’s not like I hate you or think you’re not good enough for Dad or anything, it’s just...”

“I’m not your mother,” Twinkleshine concluded. “He’s ... he’s had a rough time with that too. For the first couple months, he kept bouncing back and forth between feeling like he was betraying her memory and telling himself she would want him to be happy. I can’t pretend I know what your family’s going through, but I know it’s not easy for any of you. Your sister’s really not sure what to make of me, since...”

“Yeah.” A hint of a grin tugged at my lips. “I suppose that’s one good thing I can say about Dad dating a mare my age: we’ll never need to worry about developing any sort of pseudo-maternal relationship with me.”

She snorted softly. “Yeah, at least there’s that.” Twinkleshine hesitated a moment, then said. “But ... well, I would like to get along with you. I mean, you seem nice enough, and I know it would be a load off Tor’s shoulders if we were on good terms.”

I guess I’d been so wrapped up in my own confused feelings about Dad dating that I’d never really stopped to think about how he was handling it. In my defense, I had an awful lot going on in my life. “You seem pretty alright too. I guess we might as well get to know each other. It’ll make things easier on Dad, and if the last couple months are anything to go by I don’t think you’re going to spontaneously vanish if I ignore you hard enough.”

“I wasn’t planning on it,” Twinkleshine agreed with a faint grin. “Glad we could clear the air a bit. Maybe sometime after work we could hang out for a bit? I know Tor would like for the four of us to do something together.”

“I’ll think about it.” I pointedly glanced down at my swollen belly. “Though it might have to wait for a bit. Right now I’m not so much for going out and doing things.” I smirked as a wonderfully evil thought sprang to mind. “You know, if you marry Dad you’ll technically be a grandmother in a few months. Just throwing that out there.”

Twinkleshine blinked and shook her head. “Ooookay, I hadn’t thought of that, but ... yeah. Thanks for giving me something new to have nightmares about.”

“You’re welcome.” I thought about it for a second, then offered her my hoof. “Looking forward to working with you.” I gave that a moment to sink in, then added. “Please don’t go start a fight with civilians or something that’ll make my job harder.”

“I’ll do my best to avoid any bar brawls,” Twinkleshine deadpanned.

“Glad to hear it.” Another fun idea popped into my head. “So, you went to school with Twilight, right? I bet you have some fun stories about her...”

“A few,” Twinkleshine admitted. “But don’t forget I went to West Hoof with you. We might not have been as close, but I did hear one or two stories. Something about you, a student from the music school, and a background pony spell that wasn’t quite strong enough...”

“Touché,” I bowed my head, jokingly conceding defeat. “I think we’re going to get along just fine, Twinkleshine.”

Author's Note

As always, thanks to my pre-reading and editing team for all their hard work. Also, I would like to thank all my dedicated Patreon supporters. You guys are awesome.

Click here if you want to join the list of awesome people who support my writing.

Aidan Hall
Alt Grendel
Batbrony
Benjamin McLaren
Borg Lord
Brion Wauters
Charles M. Hagmaier
Chris Hall
ColdSilverD
Combine
Comma-Kazie
Creideiki
Cyanhyde
DaB.
Darkarma
Deep Cover
Dixie Daley
djthomp
Edmon Star
Emlyn Costilow
Errant
FallenAngelXy
Forderz
Guldane
Jade Walters
Jessica T
nfreak
Patrick
Ponibius
Shank
Singularity Dream
Sweet Gale
Sylvain Colinet
Trinary
waritah
Web of Hope
Zennyth

A Nominal Get-Together

Despite my mixed feelings on the topic, there was really no avoiding a baby shower. After all, it was tradition. I had to abide by that and play the happy gracious host, even if I was grumpy, sore, bloated, and really didn’t want a bunch of other ponies around. However, I had to give in and let them do a baby shower of some sort, if only to avoid the prospect of Pinkie throwing a huge one for me. As it was, we had to wait until she was away on a map mission to hold a lower-key compromise party.

Don’t get me wrong, normally I love Pinkie parties. It’s just that quiet, restrained, low-energy parties with as few ponies as possible is pretty much the exact opposite of Pinkie’s partying instincts. I’m sure she would’ve made the effort if she knew it was what I wanted, but Pinkie’s just not Pinkie if she can’t be crazy and energetic.

In any case, we had a nice small, quiet friends-and-family gathering for the occasion. Star even managed to get some leave time to come down for the party. I thought about inviting Dad too, but it would be a lot harder for him to get time off, and baby showers have always kind of been a mares-only event. Seemed like one of those silly pointless rules about what mares and stallions are supposed to like, but I’m not the one who decided those kinds of things.

Despite me saying it was a small gathering, we had a pretty full house: Blossom, Eepy, Derpy and her kids, my cousins, Twilight, and Rainbow. I probably shouldn’t complain about the number of guests, considering all of them had brought presents. Rainbow being Rainbow, she was busy making sure her gift was the biggest and most prominently displayed, using the suspiciously book-shaped present Twilight had brought as an improvised pedestal for her own gift.

Other guests hadn’t brought me any proper gifts, but were doing their best to express their affection in more immediate ways. Namely, the slightly larger than she’d once been but still quite adorable Dinky, who remained firmly attached to my side hugging me with a contradictory mix of unrestrained glee and almost reverent caution for my preggo-belly. Fluttershy, who’d uncomplainingly shifted aside to make room for the little hug-monster, beamed down at both of us. No doubt she was judging this as proof of my maternal potential.

Rainbow flopped down next to me, grinning. “Hey Cloud, hey Dinks.” She grinned and ruffled Dinky’s mane, then gave me a quick hug. “Don’t worry Dinky, not stealing your territory. Cloud’s so huge, there’s room for two ponies to hug her.”

“Gee, thanks Rainbow.” I halfheartedly slugged her shoulder. “Can’t even hug me without making a crack about how huge I am.”

“You’re the one who never stops complaining about how fat and bloated you are,” Rainbow pointed out. “Considering we’re at your party, it’d be pretty rude for me to argue with you.” Her teasing grin faded away as she gave me a quick once-over. “So, you still hanging in there? Can’t be too much longer before the kid comes out.”

“Docs says it’ll just be a couple weeks.” I groaned and flopped against the couch. “So glad I’m almost done with this.” I grimaced and amended that. “So not looking forward to the end.”

Rainbow winced. “Yeah ... good luck with that. Maybe it’s not as bad as everypony says?”

Derpy looked up from her plate of muffins, grinning at us. “No, it’s not.” A mischievous glint entered her eye. “It’s worse. Much worse. Somepony who hasn’t gone through it can’t even begin to understand how painful it is.” She let that sink in for a bit, then smiled warmly at her daughter and rubbed her back. “But it’ll all be worth it in the end.”

Blossom smiled encouragingly. “I’m sure you’ll be fine, Cloud. You survived four years of Guard training, you can handle this. And I’ll be right there with you every step of the way.”

“Thanks.” I glanced Twilight’s way. “Did you have any luck finding any of those spells I asked you about?”

Twilight sighed and shook her head. “Not exactly. I did find one spell that would’ve taken all the pain away, but that one would permanently destroy your ability to feel pain, so it’s probably not a good idea.” She shot a sheepish grin my way. “Sorry, but it’s really hard to block out pain. Star Swirl the Bearded theorized that it’s actually a natural defense ponies evolved against illusion magic. It’s why he says the best way to snap somepony out of an illusion is to ‘smite them rightly ‘cross the cheek.’”

I briefly toyed with asking which set cheeks he suggested smiting, but the news was a bit too much of a downer to put me in a joking mood. “Figures.” Another idea popped into my head. “I don’t suppose there’s any way to—I dunno, transfer it? I mean, it is Blossom’s fault I’m in this mess.”

“Cloud!” Blossom yelped, glowering at me. “For the record, I’m pretty sure you had a role in this too.” She scowled for a bit longer, but it slowly faded to a thoughtful frown. “Though actually ... if you could split it, I guess that wouldn’t be so bad. Well, okay, it would be pretty bad, but I’d be willing to go through it if it’d help Cloud.” She paused, tapping her chin thoughtfully. “Actually, if you split the pain up into enough parts it would probably go down to something you’d barely even notice.”

Twilight shook her head again. “Sorry, not an option. Even if a spell like that does exist, it’s probably restricted. There are far too many ways it could be abused in the wrong hooves.” She smiled reassuringly. “Don’t worry, they’ve got plenty of conventional medicine at the hospital. I’m sure they’ll take good care of you.”

Fluttershy smiled hopefully. “Treesie sent some special incense to help too.”

Twilight frowned. “I really don’t see how incense is going to help Cloud with—”

I held up a hoof to forestall the potential argument. “I’m willing to try just about anything, as long as it's safe.” I normally wasn’t too big on Tree Hugger natural organic stuff, but I wasn’t going to turn down any potential pain relief.

“So long as it doesn’t make you as...” Rainbow waved her hooves in a vague motion next to her head.

“As what?” Fluttershy asked, sounding mostly innocent with just tiniest hint of warning archness in her tone.

“As loopy as Tree Hugger?” Sparkler suggested.

“I still don’t believe she’s as spacey as Sparks says,” Star chimed in. “I mean, I’ve seen a few pretty out-there ponies in Canterlot, but it sounds like she’s on a whole other level.”

“Treesie isn’t loopy,” Eepy mumbled under her breath. “She’s just very...” She trailed off, searching for the right word.

In a surprisingly effective display of diplomacy, Rainbow tried to hastily change the subject. “Does anypony want any snacks?”

I helped her out, mostly because while I privately agreed about how loopy Tree Hugger was I didn’t want to get on Eepy’s bad side. “Yeah, the little one wants some food.”

Rainbow had barely started getting up from the couch when a pink and yellow blur shot past us towards the snack table. I blinked, and when I opened my eyes again Fluttershy was hovering in front of me holding a plate that was absolutely loaded with food. “I hope I got the right things, I tried to get all your usual favorites. If you need anything else, just let me know.”

“I think that’ll be fine, Eepy.” I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek, then grinned and nudged Rainbow. “So, looks like someone’s faster than you.”

Rainbow rolled her eyes. “S’not a competition, Kicker. Besides, she caught me by surprise. If I’d been ready, there’s no way she would’ve been faster than me.”

“Of course,” Fluttershy assured her. “Sorry if I startled you. It’s just that with the foal so close, I’m getting really excited...”

“We all are,” Twilight chimed in. “It’s hard not to be when Cloud’s going to be a mom soon. I still can’t believe this is actually happening.” She chuckled softly and shook her head. “I just hope my mom doesn’t find out about this. She’s already been dropping hints about helping me find somepony, or how some of her friends have very nice sons and daughters who are right around my age. I’ve had a bit of a reprieve thanks to Cadance being pregnant, but if she finds out one of my friends is having a baby...”

I snickered and nudged her. “Guess your mom wants grandkids.” Not that I had much room to talk, with how pumped Dad was. He’d been way more excited about the whole thing than I was. Actually, just about everyone was happier about it than I was. Probably because none of them had to put up with being pregnant.

Still, might as well put on a happy face for the party.“Yeah, I’m real excited for it to be over.”

Fluttershy smiled and rubbed my shoulder. “I know it hasn’t been easy for you, but you’ve been doing a wonderful job so far.”

Rainbow nudged me and smirked. “Aside from your barf-bread experiments.”

Blossom rolled her eyes. “Be nice, Rainbow. She can’t help her cravings.”

Derpy nodded in understanding. “Cloud’s apple vinegar bread was pretty bad, but I still think my spinach, pickle, and thyme muffins were far worse.”

Twilight grimaced. “According to the last letter Shiny sent, Cadance has been putting blue cheese and chocolate sauce on almost everything she eats.”

“What, at the same time?” Sparkler thought it over for a second, then gagged. “I mean, they’re fine on their own used in the right context, but combining them and putting them on everything is just ... no.”

“Actually, blue cheese and chocolate sauce might be really good on haybacon...” A second later I realized everyone was staring at me with mingled shock, disgust, and horror. “What?”

Dinky was the first one to recover, probably because she’d gone through a couple phases of putting sugar on everything. “It’s not her fault her baby makes her want weird stuff.” She leaned down and nuzzled my belly. “But I won't blame ya either, ‘cause you can’t help it. I know I made Mommy hungry for funny stuff when I was in her tummy.”

“Yeah, I can’t blame the kid for any of this.” I winced as something happened that I might have blamed the unborn child for just a little bit. “Kid, I know you’re a Kicker, but do you think you could put a bit less effort into living up to the family name?”

“S’what you get for making the kid a Kicker,” Rainbow opined. “I’d be more surprised if it didn’t kick a lot. Speaking of ... you decide on the other half of her name yet?”

“We haven’t made a final decision,” Blossom told her. “We’ve been bouncing around ideas and narrowed the list down, but we’re still thinking it over.”

“Bunny was my favorite name,” Eepy opined, smiling and leaning against me.

Rainbow and Sparkler both snorted in near perfect unison. Star looked lost, until Sparkler leaned over and whispered something in her ear. Then she snickered and nodded.

Twilight tried to be a bit more diplomatic, putting a strained polite smile. “That’s, um, that’s certainly one option...”

Fluttershy frowned at the unexpected reactions. “What is it? I thought it was a cute name.”

Derpy cleared her throat. “Fluttershy, if the foal’s going to be part of Cloud’s clan ... well, try saying the full name out loud.”

“Bunny Kicker.” A second after that, her face fell. “Oh.” She bit her lip, then slowly shook her head. “That makes it sound like the foal would attack bunnies.”

Rainbow smirked and nodded. “Got it in one. Not that the world’s most ironically named rabbit couldn’t use a couple swift kicks to the head, but probably not the best pick for your kid’s name.”

“Angel’s not that bad,” Fluttershy murmured in her tartarus-spawned rabbit’s defense. “He’s just a little ... um...” She trailed off uncertainly.

Derpy quickly moved the conversation onward before things could get awkward. “Yeah. Anyway, I get what you were going for. Though even if there wasn’t that issue with Cloud’s family name, it’s ... well, remember the baby isn’t going to be a baby forever. Bunny’s the kind of name that might not fit as well when your child’s a full-grown adult.”

“So kinda like Dinky?” Rainbow asked, ruffling said filly’s mane. “Just saying, Dinky’s not quite as dinky as she used to be.”

Derpy rolled her eyes. “Considering you’re the one who helped come up with that name, you’ve got no room to talk, Rainbow.”

“But I like bein’ a Dinky,” the young mare in question opined. “I mean, I dunno what I’d be if I wasn’t a Dinky.” Her face screwed up in an expression of intense concentration. “But if I had a different name, would I like havin’ that name and think Dinky was silly?” Her eyes slowly began shift to opposite corners of their sockets as she pondered over this deep question. “I dungeddit. Anyway, I really liked Rainbow’s idea earlier, ‘cuz Vortex Kicker’s pretty cool.”

Rainbow beamed approvingly, snatching Dinky away for a quick hug. “See why I like this kid so much? She knows awesomeness when she hears it.”

Storm nodded slowly, breaking her near-total silence. “There is merit to that name, certainly. Though if you are at a loss, you could always name it after one of the heroes of our clan.”

Star tapped her chin thoughtfully. “Come to think of it, I don’t think there’s been a Shade or similar in the family for a while. Or you could go for something a bit more creative, like naming the kid Tenebrous Kicker or Umbra Kicker. Or how about Iskios or Skia?”

Sparkler rolled her eyes. “Star, I love you to bits, but you really need to work on some more creative names. Naming the kid after Shadow doesn’t get any less creative just because you do it in Old Unicornian or Old Pegasopolan.” She paused, then shot a half-serious glare at her girlfriend. “And if we ever get hitched and start thinking about kids, I’m just gonna nip this one in the bud. No. None of those names. Ever.”

Twilight, as one would expect from a Princess of Friendship, quickly moved things along to forestall any potential bickering between the young lovebirds. “You do have a lot of great ancestors other than Shadow to name a kid after. There’s always her children Gale and Ash. Or there’s Magnus Kicker—I did one of my research papers on the Battle of Two Magnuses”

“That had to be confusing,” Rainbow snarked. “Though I guess it was easy to say Magnus was gonna win that one.” She frowned, thinking it over a bit more seriously. “Personally, I think you you really need to go for something dynamic, bold, and in a word: awesome! Magnus kinda reminds me of Flash Magnus, so that could work.”

Sparkler opened her mouth, but didn’t actually say anything. She shot a couple looks my way, worrying at her lower lip and apparently mulling over whether she actually wanted to say anything. Star picked up on it, and nudged her. “If you’ve got an idea, Sparks, now’s the time.”

Sparkler took a deep breath then slowly trotted over and gave me a quick hug. “Um ... just my two bits, but I was thinking ... well ... ‘Nimbus Kicker’ rolls off the tongue really nice. Seems like a good way to ... y’know.” She coughed, then tried to put on a sassy grin to lighten the mood and move past the awkwardness. “Besides, if we tried to name your kid after a Kicker hero, we’d end up with Stoic Honorary Duty Pride of Clan Kicker, and nopony’s gonna be able to fit that onto a Hearthswarming card.”

Rainbow moved in on my other side, wrapping a wing around me while Dinky tightened her perpetual hug. I took a deep breath, slowly thinking it over. I liked the idea of honoring Mom and everything, but ... well, at the same time it was hard to deny that naming my kid after her seemed kinda weird. Not to mention it was a name that came with a ton of baggage for me. The last thing I wanted to do was pass some of my own mom issues to my kid, and naming it after my mother was definitely tempting fate on that front.

I got comfortable with all the different ponies who were hugging me. Finding a way for three ponies to hug you at the same time without making things crowded takes a bit of work, but thankfully there was a lot of me to hug, and I had experience with accommodating several partners for much more than just platonic hugs. “Nimbus ... it’s not a bad idea.” I ruffled Sparkler’s mane. “Thanks.”

“It is a pretty cool name,” Rainbow allowed. “Kinda feel bad about suggesting anything else, considering it’s...” She trailed off, giving me another squeeze with her wing.

“It’s fine.” I rubbed her back until she calmed down a bit. “I’m not gonna go to pieces every time I hear Mom’s name. It’s ... it’s been years since we lost her. I’m not gonna say it doesn’t still hurt sometimes, but I’m dealing. Anyway, what’s your idea, Dash?”

She grinned and shifted her wing off my back, striking a bit of a showmare-esque pose. “Well, I was thinking of something like Sonic Kicker, Vortex Kicker, Spectrum Kicker ... you know, really cool names with a bit more panache.”

“They do have impact to them,” Twilight agreed, grinning at Dash.

Fluttershy frowned, shuffling in place. “They sound a little ... aggressive.”

Sparkler smirked. “I’m just glad she stopped pushing for Rainbow Dash Jr, or some variant thereof. Awesome, Radical, or Cool Kicker would’ve been a bit on the nose too, but Rainbow’s ideas work just fine.”

Rainbow grinned and nudged me. “Hey, your kid’s going to be something special, I just know it. Might as well give them a name that reminds them of that.”

Star snickered and flopped down next to Sparkler. “We sure the kid is Blossom’s? Because Rainbow seems to be way more excited about picking out a name for it. Or is just some kind of subliminal vicarious thing...”

Blossom snorted and rolled her eyes. “I’m plenty excited, it’s just hard to build up the same level of enthusiasm when we’ve been debating about names for months. Especially since I haven’t exactly been brimming with suggestions.” She shrugged helplessly. “I guess I don’t really have the same base to work off of when it comes to name ideas.”

I pulled her in for a quick hug. “Just means you get to make a fresh start, instead of half the name ideas coming from your ancestors.” I poked her chest. “For all we know, a couple generations from now our grandkids will want to name their children after Blossomforth the Great.”

“Cloud...” Blossom sighed, but couldn’t keep a grin off her face. “I’m still adjusting to the idea of being a mom and starting a family. Let’s not start talking about what our hypothetical grandkids may or may not do.”

“Yes, dear.” I gave her a quick peck on the cheek, then settled back on the couch. I noticed Rainbow fidgeting a bit, and trying to hide the sort of eager impatience that reminded me of when she’d come up with a new trick and couldn’t wait to show it off. “Hmm, why do I feel like you’ve got one last ridiculously over-the-top name left to suggest?”

Blossom took one look at her and nodded. “Yeah, it looks like Rainbow’s got something big up her sleeve.”

Rainbow grinned at us, clearly relishing the attention and letting us stew for a bit before she revealed whatever she was planning. “Well, I do have one idea but I don’t know if I wanna share it or not. It might be so awesome that I might want to save it for myself later on. I mean, I might have kids someday, so I oughta save the best names for them.”

Twilight shot an amused smile her way. “Of course. But I’m sure you would come up with an equally awesome name if you needed to.”

“That’s true...” She grinned, buffing a hoof on her chest. “Well okay, I guess I could share it if you really want to know...”

“With how much you are building it up, it is hard not to be a little curious,” Storm confessed.

“Alright then...” She took a deep breath, and I could swear I heard her mutter, “pause for dramatic effect” under her breath. Finally, she delivered the goods. “The best name you could possibly give your kid would have to be ... Aurora Boreawesome!” She let out an excited squeak and grinned proudly at us.

“Aurora ... Boreawesome,” I repeated dully.

Fluttershy bit her lip. “It’s ... um ... it’s nice?”

“It’s the sort of name only Rainbow could come up with,” Blossom deadpanned.

Dinky stared up at Rainbow, her eyes wide and her mouth hanging open. “Whoooooaaa...” Her face lit up with a huge grin. “That’s perfect!”

Rainbow grinned and scooped Dinky up for another hug. “See? This kid has great taste!”

“Dinky is usually a good judge,” Derpy agreed diplomatically. “Though I’m not sure if that name would work with Cloud’s clan name.” She tapped her chin, frowning in thought. “Though actually Aurora Kicker sounds pretty good.”

“That definitely has potential,” Twilight agreed, seeming a bit relieved to have found a positive spin on Rainbow’s unique name.

Rainbow’s chest puffed out proudly. “See? Twilight, Derpy, and Dinky all agree! Knew it was great.” She turned to me with an expectant grin, waiting for my verdict.

“Aurora Kicker does sound pretty good,” I confessed. “But so were a lot of the other names I heard. You know how it is, this is a really big deal and I want to be sure I’m picking the right one. I’d hate to stick my kid with a name it’d hate.”

“Come ooooon,” Rainbow whined. “You know my names are great. I mean, no offense to anypony else, but nothing I heard comes close to Aurora Boreawesome!”

“We’ll definitely add it to the list of names we’re considering,” Blossom offered. Knowing her, she’d probably put it on the list right below poor Eepy’s suggestion of Bunny Kicker.

“Yeah, it’s definitely one of the standout names,” I assured her. It was technically true—nobody was going to forget a name like that anytime soon. I just wasn’t sure I wanted to inflict a name like that on any child. “‘Aurora Kicker’ sounds good too.”

Rainbow frowned, thinking it over. “I suppose we could always make Boreawesome her middle name.” Her frown slowly transformed into a grin. “Yeah, that would work. Normally middle names are totally lame and forgettable, so giving your kid the best one ever would be a great way to break the trend.”

Dinky nodded along eagerly. “Yeah-huh! I dun’ even remember what my middle name is!” She pondered over it, her eyes drifting apart as she concentrated.

“Diana,” Derpy reminded her. “Though I was briefly tempted to make it Muffin.”

“Oh yeah! I guess that’s okay, but it’s not as cool as Boreawesome! But part of why Rainbow’s so cool is that she can come up with such cool names, right?”

“That’s right!” Rainbow snagged one of the muffins off Derpy’s plate, and narrowly avoided a grisly death by quickly offering it to Dinky. Dinky wasted no time following her mother’s example and tearing into the baked good like a starving shark.

“So then, anyone else want to offer a suggestion that can compete with Nimbus Kicker or...” I took a deep breath to make sure I could say Rainbow’s suggestion with a straight face. “Aurora Boreawesome Kicker?”

“I still like Bunny,” Fluttershy murmured. “Maybe we could use the middle name to make it clear that baby won’t go around assaulting cute innocent rabbits?”

Star thought it over, frowning thoughtfully. “Well if Shade, Umbra, Tenebrous, and the rest are out, what about something like Silhouette or Pall?”

Sparkler rolled her eyes. “Or you could just go with ‘I worship Shadow because she’s the greatest pony ever of all time’ and remove all subtlety?” She teasingly poked her girlfriend. “Didn’t you read your hero’s memoirs? She hated when ponies named their kids after her.”

“Because she was so modest,” Star answered without a moment’s hesitation. “Really, she wouldn’t have been half so inspiring if she went around demanding ponies name their kids after her to honor her legacy.”

Sparkler answered that with a skeptical frown. “So ... you honor her incredible modesty by doing things she wouldn’t want you to do in order to aggrandize her reputation?”

Star shot a grumpy look her way, and I quickly leaned over to whisper in Sparkler’s ear. “Might want to drop it, unless you like the idea of getting exiled to the couch.”

Sparkler nodded, then leaned over and nuzzled Star. “Just teasing, love.”

Derpy cleared her throat and quickly got things back on topic. “I like Nimbus.”

Blossom smiled and nodded along. “I think naming the foal after Cloud’s mother sounds like a really sweet tribute.”

Storm tapped her chin thoughtfully. “And come to think of it, Nimbus Kicker was a war hero during the Lunar Rebellion as well.”

Star shot a half-serious glower her sister’s way. “Kinda taking the magic out of the moment, Skunky.”

Twilight promptly rose to guard’s defense. “What? She brought up a good point. It’s naming Cloud’s foal after her own mother, who was probably named after the war hero.” The princess cleared her throat. “Anyway, I really liked Aurora.”

Star frowned thoughtfully. “Well, I’ve got a dilemma now. On the one hoof, I could make Skunky look bad by agreeing with her princess when she didn’t. Buuut that’d mean going against what Sparkler suggested, which could cost me girlfriend points. Damn, trapped between my two greatest desires.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Just because Storm works for me doesn’t mean she’s not allowed to have her own opinion. And really, you should know better than to try and stir up trouble between us after what happened during your pranking spree.”

Star grimaced and nodded. “Okay, point. Having every single one of my tracking gems loudly announce its presence was not fun. Not to mention what Princess Luna had to say when she found out about some of your prank plans.”

“I was going to put the moon back once I was done,” Twilight mumbled sheepishly.

Blossom pointedly cleared her throat to get things back on track. “We’ve got some good suggestions to go through, at least.”

“They were all very nice names,” Fluttershy agreed.

“Hmph.” Rainbow pouted, clearly still a bit put out that Aurora Boreawesome hadn’t gained instant and unanimous acceptance. Admittedly, I was starting feel far more tempted by the name than any sane mare should. Or maybe it was just that I really wasn’t sure about naming the kid Nimbus, and Aurora seemed to be the next most popular suggestion.

Derpy grinned and playfully nudged Rainbow. “We all know that you’ll hug the child relentlessly no matter what Cloud names it. I swear, there were times when Rainbow got more time with Dinky than I did.”

Sparkler snickered and nodded: “Yeah, I remember how long it took for you to convince me that Rainbow wasn’t Dinky’s second mom.”

“But she is my godmom!” Dinky chirped happily, trotting over to give Rainbow a hug. “And now she’s gonna be Aurora Boreawesome’s godmom too.” She paused, her face screwing up in fillyish ponderance. “Wait ... if Rainbow’s my godmom and Aurora’s godmom ... does that mean that me an’ Aurora are sisters?”

“I suppose you are, in a manner of speaking.” Derpy ruffled her daughter’s mane, then grinned at me. “I thought I had it rough. Between Rainbow and Dinky you’ll probably never even see your foal until it’s full-grown.”

Twilight chuckled softly. “I also want a chance to hold the foal eventually.”

Sparkler snorted. “Get in line, sis.”

“It’s going to be a long one.” Blossom smirked and pulled out a notebook. “I’ve been thinking about selling tickets to decide who gets to hug the foal first. From the way everypony’s been talking, we could take care of the kid’s college fund before its first birthday. Just haven’t decided what a fair price would be. I was figuring we’d base it off how much Rainbow makes, since she’d spend all her spare cash to get extra spots in line.”

Rainbow scoffed and rolled her eyes. “I would not. Besides, being the kid’s godmother means I’m allowed to have free hugs.”

“She’s not wrong.” I grinned, perfectly willing to leave my pronouns ambiguous so I could hold the safe middle ground. “Anyway ... I think we’ve spent enough time talking about names. I’ve got lots of presents left to open.”

Twilight nodded and used her magic to quickly extract her own suspiciously book-shaped present from beneath Rainbow’s gift. “That’s right!” The rest of the gifts hovered over, neatly arranging themselves on the table in front of me, with Twilight’s gift now on top of the pile. She lifted her own present up giving it a little shake and unleashing the most adorably hopeful and eager to please smile that I just couldn’t say no to.

“Alright, let’s see what we’ve got...” I unwrapped the first of many gifts.

Author's Note

Let the great name debate begin!

Also, apologies for the minor schedule slip that’s been going on. Had a spot of medical trouble that threw things off. Should all be sorted out now, though.

As always, thanks to my pre-reading and editing team for all their hard work. Also, I would like to thank all my dedicated Patreon supporters. You guys are awesome.

Click here if you want to join the list of awesome people who support my writing.

Aidan Hall
Albert Wen
Alt Grendel
Batbrony
Benjamin McLaren
Borg Lord
Brion Wauters
Charles M. Hagmaier
Chris Hall
ColdSilverD
Combine
Comma-Kazie
Creideiki
Cyanhyde
DaB.
Darkarma
Deep Cover
Dixie Daley
djthomp
Edmon Star
Emlyn Costilow
Errant
FallenAngelXy
Forderz
Guldane
Jessica T
nfreak
Patrick
Ponibius
Shank
Singularity Dream
Sweet Gale
Sylvain Colinet
Trinary
waritah
Web of Hope
Zennyth

The New Life Begins

Blossom took the news surprisingly well. “This is a joke, right? One of those times when you’re just being silly and random? Because there’s no way you could seriously be considering naming our child Aurora Boreawesome.”

Eepy bit her lip, her eyes darting back and forth between the two of us.. “Well, I like ‘Aurora’.”

“That part of the name’s not the problem,” Blossom grumbled.

I shrugged. “I know it’s silly, ridiculous, and completely over the top, but it’s just a fun name. I like saying it.”

Blossom rolled her eyes. “You realize that would get our kid laughed at in school, right? You can’t treat her name like it’s just a joke.”

I sighed and rolled my eyes. “It would just be her middle name. Most ponies don’t even care about middle names. You and Fluttershy don’t even have one, and I bet neither one of you know what mine is.”

“Lysistrata,” Blossom and Fluttershy responded in near-perfect unison.

Huh. When did I tell them that? “Way to undermine my argument,” I grumbled.

“Whether or not everypony knows her middle name isn’t really the point,” Fluttershy murmured. “We shouldn’t give our foal a bad or silly name just because her middle name doesn’t matter. It matters to Blossom, and it matters to me. While Rainbow’s suggestion is very ... nice, I don’t think it’s the right one for our child.”

Blossom frowned at me. “Don’t tell me you’re going along with this just to get some points with Rainbow? I know she’s been a bit worried about the two of you drifting apart now that you’re not working together, but there are much better ways to deal with her insecurities than letting her give our foal a ridiculous name.”

“It’s not about Rainbow,” I grumbled. “It’s just...” I shrugged helplessly. “I guess just saying ‘I like it’ isn’t good enough?”

“For most names, saying you like it is fine,” Blossom answered. “We’re gonna need a bit more for a name like ‘Boreawesome’.”

I sighed and ran a hoof through my mane. “Yeah, I guess that’s fair enough.” I tried to come up with a more substantive argument than saying that I liked the name, or that Rainbow would sulk if we didn’t take her suggestion. Pushing that angle would probably just lead to Blossom pointedly reminding me that Rainbow wasn’t the sire, which would be kind of hard to argue with. A best friend and honorary aunt is a big deal, but it’s still well short of an actual parent. All else being equal, Blossom and Eepy had the right to veto Rainbow’s ideas. I had to admit though, it was a little amusing to imagine what Rainbow would name her own foal...

Maybe Blossom had a point that part of why I was working for Rainbow’s suggestion was to keep things going smoothly with her. Rainbow was pretty worried about losing touch with me now that we weren’t working together. Which was ridiculous considering everything else we’d been through, but just because I thought she was being a bit silly didn’t invalidate her feelings. Going along with one of her silly name ideas wouldn’t be the strangest thing I’d ever done to help calm her down when she was feeling a bit insecure.

Maybe I should just try to seduce Rainbow and get her to turn our trio into a quartet? It would deal with her insecurities, and if we could move past all our mutual baggage we’d probably work pretty well. Of course, that baggage was pretty substantial, and while the idea was appealing in abstract we’d never really had a romantic dynamic. I loved her every bit as much as I did Blossom or Eepy, but it was a different sort of love.

Still, I wasn’t going to give up on my choice of name without a fight, and I was prepared to fight dirty to make it happen. “Alright. Fine then. If that’s what it takes, I’ll do it.”

“Do what?” Blossom asked, frowning at me.

“You know...” I grinned and slowly ran a feather up her spine. “That.”

Blossom shivered, then blinked and quickly took a step back from me. “Tempting, but I’m wise to your ways. This is one problem you can’t sex your way out of.”

“No such thing,” I shot back with a teasing smirk. “That just means I need to break out a few tricks you haven’t seen yet.”

Blossom rolled her eyes. “We’ve been together for years, Cloud. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen just about everything you can do.”

Oh, there was no way I could let that pass. I grinned at her, scooting over to give her a long, lingering nuzzle. “That sounds like a challenge. One thing Dash and I have in common, we can’t turn those down.”

Blossom shooed me off with one of her wings. “Don’t make me get Fluttershy’s spray bottle. I will use it on you if I have to.”

“Fiiine.” I sighed and slumped back onto the couch. “No using my feminine wiles and incredible sexual prowess to convince you to see things my way, even though I totally could if I really wanted to. Everyone knows I’m irresistible when I’m really trying.”

“Of course you are, dear,” Fluttershy smiled and gave me a reassuring pat on the shoulder that somehow managed to be both comforting and just a tiny bit condescending.

I groaned and threw up my hooves in surrender. “Fine, we’ll drop the ‘Boreawesome’ part of Aurora’s name, if that’s what it’ll take to make you two stop teaming up on me. So what should we do for a middle name?”

Blossom frowned in thought for a few moments, then shrugged. “It’s not like we have to give the foal a middle name. Like you said, Fluttershy and I don’t have one. The usually only come up in families with a strong family naming convention.”

“Like the Kickers?” I pointed out. “I mean, I guess we could try something vaguely Old Pegasopolan-ish like my middle name is, but...” I trailed off with a shrug. Nothing was really springing to mind, and it’s not like I was incredibly devoted to slavishly following every single clan tradition. Besides, I’d already insisted on the kid being a Kicker, that was more than enough work to honor the whole clan legacy.

Fluttershy idly stroked my huge lump of a belly. “If we do want to choose a middle name, I still think Nimbus would be really nice.”

I grimaced and shook my head. “I dunno. I mean, I get the idea behind it, and it’s nice. You know, honoring Mom and everything. It’s just ... that’s a name with a lot of baggage for me. I’m already pretty worried that all my mom issues might end up bouncing back on my kid, and putting her name on Aurora ... yeah, that probably makes it more likely.”

“Right,” Blossom sighed and rubbed my back. “I think you’re a bit more centered than you’re giving yourself credit for. I doubt you’d do anything ridiculous just because your mother’s name is our kid’s middle name, but ... well, I suppose if we’re vetoing your idea for a middle name, you can veto ours too.” She smirked at me. “After all, as you’re so fond of reminding us, your vote counts for more since you’re the one carrying the kid.”

“Darn right it does.” I playfully hoofed her in the shoulder. “Not to mention it’s my mom’s name we’re talking about.”

“I suppose that’s fair enough,” Fluttershy conceded. “I suppose if we don’t have a good idea for a middle name, we could always just go without.”

“Seems like the best solution,” I agreed. “I just hope Rainbow won’t sulk too much when she finds out she only went with half of her name suggestion. Though I suppose if we don’t give Aurora an official middle name, Rainbow might just assume it’s Boreawesome. I mean, it’s not like we’re telling her it’s not that.”

Blossom tapped her chin in thought, then shrugged. “I suppose it’s fine if that’s just Rainbow’s nickname for her or something. I’m just not putting it on our foal’s birth certificate.”

“That seems like a very reasonable compromise,” Fluttershy agreed. “I’m sure Rainbow will agree. If she doesn’t...” She took a deep breath, then spoke with surprising firmness for Eepy. “Well, then when Rainbow has her own child, she can name it whatever she likes.”

“Sounds like we’re all on the same page then.” I reached down and gave my own belly a quick pat. “Hey there, Aurora Kicker the Middlenameless One, who may or may not be nicknamed Aurora Boreawesome by a certain strange but very good friend of mine. Nice to finally know what I’m supposed to call you.”

“Let’s just stick with Aurora Kicker instead of including a paragraph of backstory in her name,” Blossom commented dryly, though her attempt at snark was ruined by the smile on her face.

“I really like it.” Fluttershy slowly ran her hoof over my belly, as if she could stroke the foal through my stomach.

“Sounds good.” I gently put one of my hooves on top of Fluttershy’s. “Now we just need to tell every—” The rest of my sentence disappeared in a gasp of pain as the foal kicked again.

Fluttershy’s ears perked up and scooted closer. “Cloud? What is it?”

“Fine,” I winced and rubbed my belly. “Glad you like your name, Aurora, but you don’t have to work so hard at living up to the Kicker part of it.”

“You okay?” Blossom asked, scooting up against my side.

“Yeah, fine,” I assured them both. “Just Aurora getting really restive again. Guess it’s no surprise when she’s close to coming out.”

“Right.” Blossom joined Fluttershy in rubbing my belly. “Be nice to your mom, Aurora. She’s gone through a lot for you already. I know you’re eager to meet the rest of us, but there’s no need to rush it.”

“You don’t know the half of it,” I grumbled.

“Maybe someday I will,” Fluttershy answered with a hopeful smile. “I know it’s probably not what you want to hear right now, but I wouldn’t mind have another foal someday, and I’d like to carry it if that’s okay.”

“Be my guest.” I tried to smile, but it faded away into a grimace when Aurora kicked again. “I mean, the miracle of life growing inside my body is amazing and all, but I could do without the constant pain and discomfort.”

“I’m sorry it’s so hard on you.” Eepy wrapped a reassuring wing around me and kissed my cheek. “Don’t worry, I know you can do this.”

“You’re almost done,” Blossom chimed in. “Redheart said you were due any day now. Then you can look forward to being done with this.” She teasingly poked my shoulder. “And we’ll be done with listening to you complain about the constant pain and bloating.”

“No making fun of my suffering,” I pouted. “And of course, you forgot about—” I gasped as a new, much sharper pain shot through me. “Oh ... oh, that’s not just a normal kick.”

Blossom’s eyes widened and she immediately shifted from teasing to nurturing. “Are you okay? Is something wrong with the baby?”

“You know how you said it might be any day now?” I managed to groan out in between waves of agony. “Well ... I think it might be today.”

Fluttershy’s jaw dropped, and she bolted up to her hooves. “Oh! Oh dear! Oh my goodness, it's not ... oh my goodness!”

Blossom seemed to be keeping a slightly cooler head, but only slightly. “Do you think you can make it to the hospital, or do we need to do it here? Fluttershy’s got some experience from her animals, and I could go get Redheart...”

“I’ll make it to the hospital if you two have to carry me,” I groaned out. “No way I’m having this kid without a bunch of docs putting every painkiller known to ponykind in me.”

Fluttershy quickly grabbed her bag of medical supplies. “I’ve got a few things to help with pain in here. Maybe we could try some—”

The first contraction hit. “I need something way feathering stronger than what you’ve got!” I screamed at her. A second later I realized that I was screaming at the top of my lungs. At Fluttershy. “Sorry, I just—Shadow’s feathery TEATS! Get me to the hospital! Now!”

I’m sure there are mares out there who say that every moment of childbirth is a wonderful, magical experience. After having gone through it myself, I’m equally certain that every last one of them is a liar.

Back when I’d been reading classical literature in college, I’d come across a line in Lyequinegus’ biography where Plutrotus claimed that when Lyequinegus lost one of his eyes it hurt him ‘almost as much as a mare suffers whilst foaling.’ At the time, it struck me as a really weird and out-of-place comparison. Sure, the idea was to talk up how tough Lyequinegus was for carrying on in battle despite such a painful wound, but I just didn’t get why Plutrotus drew that parallel.

Now that I’d gone through it ... well, if Lyequinegus managed to keep fighting while going through something that hurt half as much as what I suffered, I had a newfound respect for the guy.

The main thing I remember about the whole experience is a whole lot of screaming at Redheart, Eepy, Blossom, and anypony else I could see about how I needed more meds. Then everything got hazy once they’d finally pumped me full of what I presume was the maximum safe amount of the most powerful painkillers known to ponykind. I’m not sure if the drugs actually took away the pain or if they just everything so foggy that I can’t remember it, but I wasn’t about to complain about either outcome. After all, if my brain didn’t really register the pain, that’s as good as taking it away entirely. Once everything was done, the docs told I’d been in labor for a little over eight hours. Considering how long that is and how much I don’t like what I do recall, I’m very happy I don’t remember it all.

Besides, everything cleared up in time for the most important part. I don’t exactly recall when my daughter was officially born, but once Aurora was out the docs gave me something to clear up my head since I didn’t need to be half-unconscious anymore to deal with the pain. I remember coming to lying on the hospital bed, feeling utterly exhausted and incredibly sore, but now it was more like the soreness from working out too hard rather than the earth-shattering agony I’d gone through up to that point.

I looked around the room. Blossom and Eepy were both sitting beside me, one on each side and holding my hooves. Eepy must’ve seen that I was starting to come back to the world because she gently nuzzled me. “Your father, Rainbow, Twilight, and everypony else are all waiting outside. Some of them wanted to come in, but Redheart didn’t want the room too crowded.”

“Yuh,” I groaned out, gently squeezing her hoof. I would’ve said something more, but even that half-formed syllable took a lot of work.

Blossom gasped softly, and when I followed her gaze I saw Redheart approaching us with a carefully wrapped bundle. The nurse smiled, then carefully passed it over to me.

I took my baby from her, all the pain and exhaustion fading away as I stared down at this tiny little foal. I know every mother is supposed to say this about their kids to the point of it being a huge cliché, but ... she was the most beautiful thing in the world to me. Her coat was lavender and just a shade lighter than mine, while her mane mixed pink and green in softer hues than Blossom’s. She opened her blue eyes for the first time, staring up at me.

As her eyes met mine, I knew my life would never be the same. This changed everything. But ... I think maybe I was okay with that. “Hi Aurora. I’m your Momma.”

Author's Note

As always, thanks to my pre-reading and editing team for all their hard work. Also, I would like to thank all my dedicated Patreon supporters. You guys are awesome.

Click here if you want to join the list of awesome people who support my writing.

Aidan Hall
Albert Wen
Alt Grendel
Batbrony
Benjamin McLaren
Borg Lord
Brion Wauters
Charles M. Hagmaier
Chris Hall
ColdSilverD
Combine
Comma-Kazie
Creideiki
Cyanhyde
DaB.
Darkarma
Deep Cover
Dixie Daley
djthomp
Edmon Star
Emlyn Costilow
Errant
FallenAngelXy
Forderz
Guldane
Jessica T
nfreak
Patrick
Ponibius
Shank
Singularity Dream
Sweet Gale
Sylvain Colinet
Trinary
waritah
Web of Hope
Zennyth

Auras, Vibes, and Chakras

I spent a lot of time at Twilight’s, just relaxing and enjoying myself. Much as I liked the mild pampering I was receiving as a guest of the princess, some nagging part of my conscience kept reminding me that I should really go talk to Fluttershy about the protest. It wasn’t like I’d forgotten all about it because I was lost in hedonistic indulgence. I was just procrastinating to avoid a potentially awkward conversation.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t avoid it forever. If I was going to pretend to be a semi-responsible adult, I would have to actually keep my promises and help my friends.

I headed back home at the fastest waddle my pregnant self could manage. I was so looking forward to being done with this, so I could go back to being my lean, fit, sexy self instead of a big fat bloated mess. Derpy had made this look way too easy when she’d had Dinky.

Getting back home wasn’t as comforting as I’d hoped, since in my absence the place had been invaded by an army of countercultural crusaders. I hadn’t expected Fluttershy to get quite so many recruits for her protest. Who knew there were so many ponies eager to complain about Twilight finally dealing with all of the monsters in Everfree Forest?

Granted, not all of them were true believers in the cause. Discord was in the middle of making several large signs urging Twilight to ‘Make War, Not Love’ until Blossom caught him and made him change things back. The worst thing was that Discord’s altered signs still made more sense than some of the legitimate ones. Seriously, who goes around insisting that ‘Trees are ponies too!’? No they’re not. They’re trees.

Eepy was busy talking to a couple ponies who looked like they had only passing familiarity with the concept of soap, but stepped away when she spotted me, trotting over and giving me a quick nuzzle. “How are you feeling, Cloud? Sorry about the mess, but I’m sure we could make some room for you on the couch if you’re tired.”

“Sure.” I wasn’t too exhausted, but I might as well claim my sitting space now. Fluttershy’s place was pretty big, but right now it was packed to the brim. “Wow, full house.”

Fluttershy smiled sheepishly. “I know. I was surprised so many ponies from Ponyville shared my concerns, and Tree Hugger was a huge help with spreading the word outside of town. Honestly, I was worried barely anyone would show up. I had no idea we would get this much attention...”

“Yeah...” I tried to give her an encouraging smile, but it felt more like an agonized rictus. “Looks like you really started something.”

Fluttershy nodded along. “I’m sure that once Twilight will change her mind once she sees how many ponies are upset with her plans for the Everfree. I do feel a bit bad about protesting against her, but ... well, we just need to make her understand. Tree Hugger thinks this will work.”

As if conjured up by Fluttershy mentioning her name, Tree Hugger appeared. My nose was immediately assaulted by the scent of excessive nature, unwashed dreadlocks, and a couple other things I was probably happier not being able to identify. I’d heard enough about Tree Hugger to know what to expect, but no description could’ve prepared me for the reality. “Yo, Flutters, is this the balancer in your life? I can see, like, your aura within her from a mile away.”

Eepy smiled and put a wing around me. “Cloud, this is my good friend Tree Hugger. Tree Hugger, this is my partner Cloud.”

“Nice to meet you.” I politely offered her my hoof.

“Righteous.” She shook my hoof, making me keenly aware of the fact that her fetlocks had grown out just as long as her mane. I guess she’d been too busy communing with nature or whatever to bother with basic hygiene.

I stopped touching her hoof as soon as I could do so without seeming rude, plastering a polite smile on my face. “Fluttershy's told me a lot about you.”

Tree smiled and nodded. “Yeah, same here—her chakras have really opened up since you merged your aura with hers. Reminds me, congrats for the Plus One, and for sticking it to the clerks. It's not every soldier-mare who’ll help her love show the mare who’s who.”

“Thanks.” I leaned over and whispered into Fluttershy’s ear. “Translation?”

Fluttershy murmured. “She’s congratulating you on the pregnancy and appreciates that you’re supporting me despite your Guard background.”

“Oh.” Tree Hugger was making a lot of assumptions. Not that I wasn’t supporting Eepy, but ... well, it was complicated. “Uh ... yeah, about that...”

Fluttershy frowned, giving me a quick once-over. “Is something the matter, Cloud? Are you feeling okay? The walk from town wasn’t too much was it? I can help you to the bedroom if you need to lie down for a bit. We’ll move everything outside if you want some peace and quiet.”

“No, it’s just ... um...” I tried to come up with a not-quite-lie to explain why I’d been at Twilight’s palace. “Well, I was going by the castle to ... uh, check up on Storm. You know, family stuff. And ... well ... Twilight was there. You know, since it's her castle and all. Anyway, she wanted to talk to me about the ... you know, what you’re planning to do.” I sighed and ran a hoof through my mane. I didn’t feel great about bending the truth a little, but the only alternative would be to tell Eepy that I wasn’t all that wild about what she was doing, and that was much worse. “Anyway, Twilight said there are some important dignitaries coming by pretty soon, and she wondered if I could talk to you about ... well ... um ... she'd rather you didn't ... you know, the timing isn't exactly great for her.”

“Oh.” Fluttershy frowned, glancing over the small army of followers she’d gathered. “That’s ... well I hate to cause problems for Twilight, but I don’t think I can just call everything off and ask everypony to go home after all the hard work they’ve done to get ready.”

“You kidding?” Tree Hugger shot a very relaxed smile at both of us. “Flutters, girl, the world has converged on your timing.”

For once, Eepy looked just as confused by Tree Hugger as I was. “What do you mean?”

“Think of it, my mare.” Tree put a hoof around Eepy’s back, using the other one to gesture grandly towards the palace. “Dignitaries. Important ones. That means public. That means press. That means anything that happens while they're here gets extra feed, in the here and in the there, you dig?”

I could feel Eepy tensing up against me, and I instinctively gave her a quick reassuring squeeze with my wing. That seemed to be enough to help her get over her worries. “You mean that we would get more attention for helping the animals? That’s good then, isn’t it?”

“Exactly.” Tree Hugger agreed with a mellow smile. “Attention to you is attention to your cause, my mare—any attention at all. Court it like enlightenment.”

Oh. Oh great. Of course my effort to fix the situation and stop Eepy’s plans wound up just making her even more determined to go through with it. That’s just the kind of luck I have. I tried to do a bit of damage control. “It'd make things a lot harder on Twilight, though.”

Fluttershy froze, worrying at her lower lip. “I don’t like the idea of causing trouble for Twilight ... but this is too important for me to stop it. It’s ... maybe if Twilight stopped with her plans we could both get what we want? I wish I could just reschedule the protest, but now that everypony’s here we can’t really...”

I grimaced and nodded. “Pretty sure she can't tell the Archon or whoever it was to reschedule either. That’s the kind of thing that ends up causing diplomatic incidents.”

“What’s with all the bad vibes?” Tree Hugger looked between the two of us. “Flutters my girl, this is perfect! Either the mare stops her plans so she won’t look bad, or we get an even better chance to tell everyone what she’s up to.”

Fluttershy grimaced, but very reluctantly nodded along. “I don't like it, but this is too important to stop now. Especially ... if Twilight meeting with this archon will help her decide to do the right thing. As long as it helps the animals ... I guess it’s okay.” She hunched her shoulders, as if she was expecting Twilight to storm in and start yelling at her.

“Exactly.” Tree gave her a quick pat on the back. “The whole point of a protest is to get the mare’s attention so she’ll change her mind. This just means she can’t ignore us.”

Eepy took a deep breath, and a determined frown settled onto her face. “Alright then, we’ll do it. I hope Twilight listens to us before then, but I have to stand up for what I believe in.”

Great. Just great. Still, I had to make one last effort to bring things back under control. “Eepy, I’m pretty sure Twilight would still be okay with you helping out and making sure the animals would be okay during the development. Remember how she wanted you to consult with the Patrol?”

Tree Hugger nodded approvingly. “Heard the mare tried to offer her bits, but there’s no way my gal Flutters would ever sell out.”

Fluttershy frowned and shook her head. “What Twilight’s doing is wrong. I can’t endorse it, and I certainly won’t help her do it. It’s just like with the fruit bats: sometimes I have to stand my ground even if my friends disagree with me.” She took a deep breath, then slowly nodded to herself. “So, were you going to be coming with us, Cloud? I don’t want you doing anything too stressful while you’re carrying the foal, but just having you be there would mean a lot to me.”

To my surprise, Tree Hugger saved me the trouble of coming up with an excuse. “Ooh, lemme stop the presses right there my mare. I know you said Twilight was pretty chill, and the last thing I want is to cause some bad vibes, but what we want isn’t always what we get. And while having some foreign dignitary is, like, totally radical for getting more attention, it does mean there’s gonna be a whole other set of guards who aren’t working for Twilight. If things do get a little worked up, we really don’t want a pregnant mare caught in the middle of it.”

She had a point, considering how worried everyone at Twilight’s had been about the Archon’s guards overreacting. The thought of the protest going bad was ... yeah, Eepy wouldn’t take it well, and she’d hit the roof if I got caught in the middle of it. Maybe I could use that to try and sabotage the whole thing? No, that was probably a terrible idea. Fluttershy would be furious with me if she ever figured out I’d used the baby to manipulate her into abandoning something she was this passionate about. She’d have every right to be pissed at me too.

“Guess I’ll have to sit this one out, then,” I faked a sigh, trying to look like I was anything other than elated by the news.

Fluttershy shot a guilty look my way. “Of course, you should stay home and just relax, Cloud. Sorry, I wasn’t thinking ... I really shouldn’t have asked you to get involved. I was so excited about this that I didn’t even think about ... sorry.” She smiled hopefully. “I’m sure there’s plenty you can do to help us even if you can’t be there for the day itself. I’m sure Blossomforth and Discord would be glad to have some help with making signs.”

Blossom glanced up when she heard her name. “I could certainly use an extra set of eyes to make sure Discord’s not getting up to anything.”

“Me?” Discord conjured a halo over his head and put on a reasonably well-faked expression of wounded innocence. “I would never do anything to cause problems for dear Fluttershy. I’ve been perfectly helpful for the last fifteen minutes.”

“That’s why I want to keep a close eye on you.” Blossom shot back. “You’re overdue for stirring up some trouble.”

“Touché,” Discord conceded.

I broke out the excuse I’d been planning to use to get out of going to the protest itself. “I’d love to, but my hooves are kinda swollen after the trip to Twilight’s. I hope you don’t mind, but I’d really not feeling up to it.”

“Oh!” Fluttershy flushed a bit. “Right, sorry, I didn’t know.”

Tree Hugger nodded understandingly. “The miracle of motherhood doesn't wait for the cause. It’s, like, you gotta take care of yourself first.” She looked over her shoulder. “You or the Plus One wanna snack? We got plenty to spare.”

I’d already gorged myself as part of the pampering I’d gotten from Twilight, but eating something a bit healthier probably wouldn’t be a bad idea. “What do you have?”

Tree took a quick look at the snack table. “Nuts, berries, granolas, some fruits from that family with the farm. Plenty of juice too. Looks like they hit the cider pretty hard, but you can’t have the hard stuff anyway. We’ve got brownies if you just want the sweet stuff.”

I frowned and shot a suspicious look her way. “What kind of brownies?”

Tree answered me with a confused look. “Uh, brownies? You know, chocolate, flour, and ... oh wait! You’re not allergic to nuts, are you? I think we’ve got some without nuts in the uh ... the ... uh ... you know...”

“The refrigerator?” Fluttershy suggested.

“Yeah, that.” She blinked slowly. “Sorry, totally blanked out on the word.”

“I wasn’t worried about nuts.” If I’d been allergic to nuts, I probably would’ve had a bad reaction as soon as I walked into Eepy’s cottage. “I guess some fruit and granola would be good.”

Fluttershy zipped off to get a plate of food for me, leaving me all alone with Tree Hugger. The mare stood there, looking far more relaxed about being stuck alone with me than I was. “If you want, I can show you how to meditate sometime. I heard it’s good for helping align your chakras with your foal’s. I know some good natural herbal supplements too.”

“Uh, thanks.” I wasn’t sure what else to say to that.

“I could recommend some righteous aromatherapy too.”

“Sure.”

One of her hooves scuffed along the carpet. “Have you thought about having an all-natural birth? At home, no painkillers?”

“Shadow, no.” Not for all the ... no. There was no force on Equestria that could possibly persuade me to try that. When I had the kid, I wanted to be on so many painkillers that Tree Hugger would think I was way too mellow.

“Your call.” She shrugged. “So ... Fluttershy’s been showing me around and introducing me to all her animals. I like most of them, but that rabbit of hers needs to take some time to re-center himself. He has some seriously bad vibes.”

Finally, a topic I was comfortable with: the world’s most ironically named rabbit. “Yeah, Angel Bunny. He’s a pest, but Eepy likes him.”

“I don’t think she’s looking at him from a place of authenticity,” Tree agreed. “She’s known him for so long that her third eye’s clouded to the darkness in his aura.”

“I guess everypony has their blind spots.” We spent a couple more minutes ripping on Angel. Sure, she was using weird hippie talk to do it, but we were still communicating.

The only problem with that was that we both had to shut up pretty quickly once Eepy came back with my food. “I’m glad to see you two are getting along. Here’s your food, Cloud.”

“Thanks, Eepy.” I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek, then chowed down. The food might have been a bit more nature-y than I’d like, but it was still food. “Guess I better go tell Twilight you’re not changing your plans.”

“Alrig—” Fluttershy cut herself off, frowning at me. “Wait, are you sure you want to go all the way back to Twilight’s Palace?”

“Yeah, pretty sure.” I shrugged. “I mean, she asked me to talk to you, so I figured she’d want to know how it went.”

“Oh.” She plopped down on the couch, but she wasn’t sitting next to me or making eye contact. “If you're really sure then...”

I was proficient enough in reading Fluttershy’s body language to know she was upset, but trying to cover it up. “Is something wrong?”

“Oh, nothing.” She tried to smile, but she was trying way too hard while also refusing to meet my eyes. “I’m fine. How are you?”

Tree Hugger cleared her throat. “Hey, I don't wanna mess up the groove between you girls, but Flutters ... your chakras are clouded, girl. Your auras can’t harmonize if you close yourself off to all of each others’ energies. You just gotta open up and let it flow.”

I couldn’t figure out what the hay she was talking about, so instead I gave Eepy a quick pat on the back. “Don’t worry, I’ll be right back. It’s just ... I promised Twilight I’d talk to you, so I really should let her know how it went. I know I’m pregnant, but I can still walk around town and talk to ponies.”

Fluttershy frowned at me. “I suppose, it’s just ... wait, didn’t you say that your hooves were swollen and you needed to rest?”

Oh horseapples. “Um...” I struggled to come up with a good explanation for my goof. “I’m ... they got better?”

Eepy’s scowl deepened. “Cloud...”

“Clouded chakras all around.” Tree Hugger ran a hoof through her dreadlocks. “I’m gonna go commune with the universe and let you two find your own peace. Stay righteous.”

Huh. Maybe Tree Hugger was smarter than I gave her credit for. At the very least, she knew enough to get out of the way of other ponies’ drama before it exploded.

Sure enough, Fluttershy let me have it once Tree Hugger was out of earshot. Well, as much Fluttershy is capable of chewing somepony out. “Cloud, why aren’t you being honest with me? You do support me standing up for all the innocent animals in Everfree, don’t you?”

“Um...” I hesitated, trying to find a way to answer positively without lying to her. “I ... support you for standing up in what you believe in.”

She frowned and crossed her forelegs. “That isn’t what I asked.”

I squirmed on the couch, pondering whether I could make it out the bathroom window again. Probably not—I wouldn’t blame Blossom for putting a lock on it after the last time I’d pulled that stunt. “I think it’s good you found something you believe in, and I will always support you.”

Eepy wasn’t fooled. “But do you believe in it?” Her lower lip trembled. “Don't you care about the animals? I thought you got along really well with Harry.”

“Of course I care.” I could already feel the guilt settling into my stomach. “It’s just...” I took a deep breath, then finally confessed. “Well ... I ... um ... I kinda think maybe ... you’re going a little bit too far with this.”

Eepy blinked and stared at me, cocking her head to the side. “What do you mean I’m going too far? We’re just peacefully expressing our opinion.”

I sighed and ran a hoof through my mane. “Look, you’ve got the wrong idea about the Long Patrol. I went through all the classwork to join them, and Storm spent four years with them. They’re not some crazy group of psycho ponies who go around slaughtering cute little innocent forest creatures.”

“I know that, Cloud,” Fluttershy assured me. “But they do hurt animals. When you were at West Hoof, your classes included how to fight against them, didn’t it? Their weak points, the quickest ways to kill them, and how they’d try to defend themselves.”

I flinched, mostly because she was right. “Yeah, we learned that. I also learned a lot about how to handle animals without a fight. Hay, I still use some of those lessons when I’m helping you with your animals. We only use force when there's no other way to keep ponies safe.”

“Even when they’re trying their best, ponies can make mistakes,” Fluttershy countered. “There’s always a better solution than violence. Most of the creatures in the forest won’t cause any problems as long as we leave them alone.”

I got to my hooves with an annoyed snort. “Oh, so me and Storm are just a couple brutes who go around killing animals because we’re too stupid to find the right way to fix things?”

“That’s not what I said,” Fluttershy shot back. “Cloud, I didn’t mean that about you. You didn’t join the Guard.”

I couldn’t believe my ears. “Oh, so you’re saying that if I had...”

Fluttershy flinched and facehoofed. “That isn't—I mean—the Guard—”

I scowled at her. “I think I know what you meant.” I stomped out of the cottage, ignoring Fluttershy when she called out after me.

I decided on a change of plans about halfway to Ponyville. I still wanted to let Twilight know how things had gone, but I was way too worked up at the moment. On top of the whole ‘Stress is bad for the baby’ thing everypony kept reminding me about (which didn’t seem to ever stop them from sticking me in stressful situations), I really didn’t want to inflict myself on Twilight while I was worked up. Especially since she was probably getting pretty stressed out on her own, and the news I was bringing would just make things worse.

Thus, I headed for the spa instead of the palace. It’s pretty much the perfect place to go for a nice long relaxing de-stress. Lounging around in a steam room and getting a massage sounded absolutely lovely, especially if I could get some work done on my hooves. In a nasty bit of irony, they actually were starting to feel a little swollen now.

I trotted in and settled into the first available chair, taking pressure off my poor, abused hooves. No wonder they were so sore when they had to carry the rest of my huge bloated self around. Once I was settled in I took a look around and spotted a familiar face. “Hey, Rarity.”

Rarity set aside the magazine she’d been reading and smiled. “Oh! Hello, Cloud. I do hope you have an appointment, they’ve been quite busy today.”

Ouch. Spending a couple hours waiting to get in was not what I’d had in mind. I shrugged helplessly. “Afraid I’m a walk-in. I just ... you know, it’s been one of those days.”

“A feeling I am all too familiar with, darling. I can’t imagine your delicate condition makes it any easier.” She smiled reassuringly. “Luckily for you, I can help with that. I had a reservation for two, and I’m sorry to say that Applejack canceled at the last minute. Fluttershy’s busy planning that ... erm, event with her other friends, Twilight has her own duties, Rainbow is in the middle of her work shift, and Pinkie ... well, Aloe and Lotus still haven’t quite forgiven her for the Frosting Incident. I was afraid I would have to go through the day alone, but if you wouldn’t mind keeping me company, I would welcome it.”

I was briefly tempted to ask exactly what the ‘Frosting Incident’ was, but knowing Pinkie the explanation would only lead to even more questions. In any case, Rarity was saving me a long wait, and I wasn’t going to look the gift horse in the mouth. “Sounds great, thanks.” I frowned as I thought back to the rest of what she’d said. “So, you heard about the protest Eepy’s planning?”

“It came up.” Rarity answered with a carefully polite smile that revealed nothing about her thoughts on the matter. “Fluttershy was very emphatic about how much she disagreed with what Twilight was doing. It was a bit surprising, actually.”

I sighed and slumped down into the chair until I felt like a sack of loose potatoes. “Yeah, it sure caught Twilight off guard. So what do you think about—”

I cut myself off when Lotus poked her head through the doors. “Excuse me, Meez Rarity, but we are ready for you.”

“Hold onto that thought, Cloud.” Rarity murmured before turning her attention to the spa pony. “Lotus, darling, would you mind if Cloud takes Applejack’s spot for our appointment? Applejack can’t make it, and Cloud’s been having a bit of a rough day.” She stepped over and whispered something to Lotus, making the other’s eyes flick over to my bloated belly. Easy enough to guess what she’d said.

Lotus nodded as soon as Rarity was done. “Not a problem at all, Meez Rarity!” She smiled politely at me, and her eyes flicked down to my belly again. “Though I’m afraid you will have to skip the hot tub, steam room, and anything else like that.”

I frowned. “I thought it was supposed to be okay as long as I didn’t stay in for too long.”

“It is,” Lotus conceded. “But we would rather not take any chances. If anything were to happen to your child because you stayed in the sauna for a bit too long...”

I sighed, but didn’t argue the point. Better safe than sorry. Rarity smiled reassuringly. “Don’t worry, I don’t mind skipping a few of the usual amenities. Your company will more than make up for it.”

Lotus nodded and opened the door for both of us. “Don't worry, we can more than make up for it with our other services.”

I nodded along, following behind Rarity and Lotus at the fastest waddle I could manage. Since we were walking through the middle of the spa, I decided to stick with slightly safer small talk. “So ... heard you got a new shop in Canterlot.”

Rarity beamed at me. “Oh, yes, I did. It really is a fine establishment. And at such a wonderful location. It was a bit rough getting it started at first, but there will always be a few little stumbles when expanding a business. Especially somewhere as competitive as Canterlot.”

“Yeah, I can believe that.” If I’d been a bit closer to her, I probably would’ve hugged her or something. “I’m glad you're finally getting the recognition you deserve. Eepy said you’re scouting for locations in Manehattan now.”

She nodded eagerly. “It’s the next logical place to go. If you want to be somepony in the fashion world, you have to be established there. Honestly, you would not believe how hard it was to get my designs taken seriously once everypony found out that my shop was in Ponyville. Twilight’s done wonders for increasing the town’s profile ever since she became a princess, but before then ponies treated me like some sort of rustic backcountry illiterate. Even the nicer ones would always say how impressive my dresses were ... considering I was from a rural area.”

I grimaced and shook my head. “Yeah, that was part of why my parents weren’t wild about me moving out here at first. Always bugging me about what I could possibly hope to do with my life in a small town with no prospects for upward mobility.” I grimaced as I remembered the promotion I’d missed out on due to my baby bump. Probably best to change the subject. “Well, I hope you pull it off. I know I guard my one Rarity-original dress zealously.”

Rarity grinned and leaned in conspiratorially. “Well, if you like it that much, it doesn't need to be your only Rarity-original. Feel free to stop by my shop anytime for a fitting.”

I snickered. “No wonder you're expanding so fast—you’re as good at sales as you are at sewing.”

Rarity primly lifted her nose into the air. “A proper lady simply must have a range of talents to succeed in such a competitive market. Especially since until recently this was an entirely one-mare operation. It is nice to finally be able to delegate a bit.”

Lotus nodded along. “Aloe and I were happy when our spa got big enough to justify hiring some staff. It is so nice to not have to do everything ourselves.” She led us into the massage room, frowning at the tables. Lying down on my belly while they worked over my back wasn’t exactly an option. Instead she went over to one of the chairs and made a couple adjustments before waving me over. “If you give us a bit of advanced notice, per'aps we can have Bulk build a table out of clouds to accommodate your condition.”

I grimaced and shook my head. “I think I'll pass on having Bulk work me over until I'm ... ever. Besides, if I’d thought about it I could’ve grabbed some and made it for myself.” For a moment I was tempted to go do that anyway, but ... nah. Too much effort. I settled into the seat, turning my attention back to Rarity. “Yeah, I think I’ll stop by, if only to pick up some sort of maternity wear. I’m already gross and bloated, so I might as well cover it up with something pretty.”

Rarity blinked and shook her head. “Oh heavens no, you're as beautiful as ever. If anything, I would say you look even better now that you’ve acquired a bit of glowing maternal beauty.” She settled down onto a table opposite me. “Though some maternity wear would certainly enhance what nature has already given you. Not to mention I could whip up some clothes for the little one once it arrives. I assume it will be a pegasus, but do you know if it will be a colt or a filly yet?”

“Not yet.” I groaned as Lotus got to work on my shoulders. “But yeah, some baby clothes wouldn't be a bad idea. I know Fluttershy was...” Mentioning Eepy’s name proved to be the ultimate mood killer, and Lotus murmured unhappily as she suddenly found a whole lot more tension in my shoulders.

Rarity shot a frown my way as Aloe trotted in and got to work on her. Judging by her next question, she’d figured out what was on my mind.“So, we were talking about the protest Fluttershy's organizing?”

I shot a look Lotus’s way as the mare set her magic hooves to work on my own poor swollen ones. My normal inclination was to keep my mouth shut about my private business, since that was how it stopped being private and started becoming gossip. However, Aloe and Lotus had to have overheard tons of gossip running a spa, and Rarity was smart enough to know whether they’d spread it around. If she was comfortable raising the topic in front of them, it was probably safe. After all, she wouldn’t want to spread any rumors that would give Fluttershy a hard time.

Besides, after everything that had happened, I really wanted a sympathetic ear. “Yeah, about that. I kinda ... well, we had a bit of a difference of opinion on the subject. It’s ... well, I support her for standing up for what she believes in and everything, but I think Twilight has the right idea. I’d been keeping my mouth shut, because I knew if she found out she’d be upset. Well ... it came out, and she got upset. After that ... things got said, you know how it goes.”

“Entirely too well, darling,” she agreed with a sympathetic smile. “Applejack and I have had a few minor little tiffs in the past, and once we’re both a bit upset...” She cleared her throat and said no more. “Though honestly, it really shouldn’t have come as a surprise you would be more comfortable with the idea of Twilight’s Guards combing the woods for monsters, and even us pushing the Everfree back a bit. Applejack is of two minds on the prospect: she likes the idea of more farmland, but she wouldn’t want anything to disrupt the zap apple crop.”

Oh right, all the weird magic in the Everfree might be part of why those apples grew the way they did. That did complicate things a bit. “I’m sure Twilight would check for that kind of thing first. Between how smart she is and the fact that my cousin would be running the whole operation, I’m pretty sure they’ll get it right.”

“Of course, it’s only natural that you’d support your cousin,” Rarity agreed. “You already agree with the goal she’s working towards, not to mention that she’s family.”

“Yeah.” I groaned and flopped listlessly as Lotus got to work on my last hoof. “But I hate fighting with Fluttershy of all ponies. I mean ... she's Fluttershy.”

“I know exactly what you mean,” Rarity assured me. “It feels cruel whenever I have to disagree with her on a topic. She’s been getting much better about standing up for herself, but it’s still a bit hard to get passionately behind a topic without feeling like I’m browbeating her into submission.”

“Exactly.” I ran my freed hoof through my mane as Lotus shifted her attention to my wings. “She’s confident enough to have her own opinion and stand up for it, but I’m not sure she’s confident to handle me disagreeing with her.”

“You’re both very passionate about the subject,” Rarity pointed out. “Protecting and taking care of animals has always been Fluttershy’s greatest ambition in life, so of course she’d get wrapped up in doing that. You see her concerns as a less-than-flattering opinion of your family and the Guard in general, and your cousin in particular. With a mix that volatile, it’s a wonder you two didn’t have a spat sooner.”

“Sounds about right.” I spread out my other wing for Lotus to work her magic. “So ... not sure what to do about all this. Right now I feel like a bit of a mule for getting mad at Fluttershy ... but I also still feel like I was right to get mad at her, but I hate being mad at her so how can it also be right for me to—” I groaned and buried my face in my hooves.

Rarity frowned, thoughtfully rubbing her chin. “I won’t pretend to be an expert, but if you want my advice, I recommend telling Fluttershy that while you do disagree with her, you also respect her position. It would probably be best if you avoid any further discussion of the topic until things have settled down a bit. I’m sure you’ve heard the old wisdom about never talking about politics around the dinner table.”

“Definitely something worth remembering,” I grunted as Lotus worked my muscles.

Rarity reached out and gave my hoof a quick pat. “I’m sorry if that's not the magical perfect answer you're looking for, but I don’t think either of you is likely to change your mind about this, and clearly pretending you agree isn’t a viable option. Sometimes in a relationship, you have to draw the lines and acknowledge that while you have opposing opinions, that doesn’t change how you feel about each other. I know that’s been been the case with myself and Applejack.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s pretty much the bottom line.” It wouldn’t make the problem go away. We could just agree to disagree. After all, we were both mature adults. Well, Eepy was a mature adult, and I was capable of pretending to be one.

I was about to thank her for the advice when somepony knocked on the door. Since the employees usually didn’t knock, I was curious enough to turn my head so I could see who it was when Lotus trotted over to answer. Blossom poked her head in, smiling nervously “Um ... hey, Cloudy. Took me a bit to find you.”

“Oh.” I was glad Lotus had gone to answer the door instead of Aloe. Made things slightly less awkward to not be in the middle of a massage. “Hey, Blossom. Guess you’re here to play the peacemaker with me and Eepy?”

She answered with a strained smile. “Yeah, pretty much.”

Lotus and Aloe traded a look, then discreetly slipped out of the room. I sighed and took Blossom’s hoof, giving it a quick squeeze. “I guess with me and Eepy arguing, you are kinda stuck in the middle. Sorry.”

“I’m sure you’ll find a way to make it up to me.” She teasingly poked me with a wingtip, then whispered into my ear. “Perhaps by letting me get stuck in the middle in a much more satisfying way than I am right now.”

Rarity delicately cleared her throat. “Do you two wish to be alone?”

I hesitated. “I’d hate to chase you out from the middle of your own spa visit, Rarity, but this is kinda...” She nodded understandingly and followed the spa twins out. Once I was alone with Blossom, I got down to business. “So let me guess, Fluttershy feels about as bad as I do about the whole fight?”

Blossom sighed and nodded. “She was beating herself up pretty bad about it. She wanted to drop everything and come running after you, but...” She grimaced and shook her head. “Probably not the best idea right now. You’re both probably still a bit too worked up to really settle things, and afterwards she’d feel horrible about abandoning the protest on top of everything else.”

I couldn’t argue with that. Even with half a massage and some venting to help me unwind, I wasn’t ready to talk to Eepy yet. “I guess ... tell her I feel pretty rotten too, and that we’ll talk and work things out after the protest?”

She frowned uncertainly. “You sure you want to wait that long? I mean ... if you’re not gonna talk to her until after the protest settles down, that’s gonna be a couple days.”

“Yeah, but trying to talk to her about how I don’t like the protest while our house is full of people getting ready for it doesn’t sound like a great idea.” I shifted around on the chair to find a more natural sitting position for a proper conversation. “Besides, I know how much this matters to her. Trying to talk out all our stuff in the middle of that would just distract her. Once the whole thing is over, it’ll be a lot easier for us to sit down and talk about it without getting worked up.”

“Fair enough.” She hesitated. “So ... that means you won’t be coming home tonight?”

“Afraid not.” After all, Eepy was letting Tree Hugger and some of the others use our guest bedroom and couches. “I’ll probably go crash with...”

I trailed off uncertainly, trying to decide who I could stay with. Twilight was obviously out. She might have plenty of extra room in her palace, but it would come across the wrong way after we’d just had a fight over her protesting against something Twilight planned to do.

Derpy then? She’d certainly be nice and welcoming, and I was guaranteed to get tons of hugs between her, Sparkler, and Dinky. Hay, I’d be lucky if I could detach Dinky without a crowbar once she heard I was feeling down. I just wasn’t sure about dropping in unannounced on them. You didn’t do that to ponies with a family unless it was a real emergency. On top of that ... well, they’d certainly shower me with plenty of love and attention, but maybe it would end up being way too much. I just wasn’t in the mood to have Dinky consistently hug me until I stopped being sad, or have Derpy and Sparkler offer lots of friendly support and advice.

Dash? Well, leaving aside how much she would fuss at me for flying all the way up to her cloud-house ... I dunno. Sure, she’d let me stay at her place for as long as I needed, but she wouldn’t just sit back and do nothing while Eepy and I worked things out. Rainbow would want to get involved and help us, which was a wonderful sentiment but ... maybe not the best idea. Rainbow was not the most subtle and sensitive pony, and was absolutely terrible when it came to being objective. If she wound up picking a side and giving whoever she disagreed with a piece of her mind ... well, her help might just make things worse. Not to mention she’d worry way too much about my baby bump.

What I needed was somepony who could be supportive, but who would know when to back off and just let me relax and clear my head. Somepony who understood enough about relationships to let me work it out my way, but could give me some good advice when I needed it.

When I thought about it like that, the answer was obvious. “I’ll be staying with Lyra and Bon Bon for a bit.”

“Oh.” Judging by the frown on her face, she’d been expecting somepony else. Probably Rainbow or Derpy. “Right, I’ll let her know.”

“Yeah.” I hesitated, not quite sure how to bring up the next issue. “You’re, uh, you’re with her on the protest thing, right?”

She bit her lip and shuffled uncomfortably, but nodded. “Yeah, I’m not sure about messing with the Everfree when it’s always been so weird and unpredictable. I’d rather not wake something up or make the forest go crazy again. Plus...” She shrugged. “Well, even if I’m not as fired up about it as she is, it’s obviously really important to her, and she’s really important to me.”

“Alright then.” I took a deep breath. “I guess ... could you be there for her and support her when I can't?”

“Of course.” Blossom hugged me. “Fair warning, she’ll probably want me to do the same thing for you, and I’m not gonna spend all day running back and forth between our house and Bon Bon’s. Soon as the demonstration is over, you two better patch things up.”

“Can do.” I grinned and stole a quick kiss from her. “Thanks, BendyFlex.”

Blossom returned the kiss, but rolled her eyes. “I still have no idea where you came up with that name from.” She gave my belly a quick rub. “Let me know if anything changes, and you better come home as soon as things settle down. Got it?”

“Got it.” As she turned around I couldn’t resist the urge to swat at her rump with a wing. In my defense, it was a very nice rump. Blossom yipped in surprise, then grinned at me over her shoulder and made sure to sway her hips a little bit on the way out.

Once she was gone,Rarity and the twins filtered back in. “I do hope everything went alright, darling.”

I nodded. “Yeah, Eepy feels bad too, and we’re gonna work things out once it all blows over.” I sighed and rearranged myself so Lotus could get back to work. “It's ... well I was pretty sure we’d end up doing that anyway, but it’s nice to have that officially established.”

Rarity nodded understandingly. “I know exactly what you mean. Now then, that’s enough worrying about your relationships, let’s relax and enjoy ourselves.”

After a nice, long, relaxing stay at the spa I was feeling pretty good. I’m sure if Tree Hugger had been around, she would have gone on about how all my chakras were clear and I was at one with the universe, in a perfect state of zen. Things with Eepy were ... maybe not completely settled, but a lot better than they’d been and we had a clear path to fixing up the rest of it. I was certainly feeling a lot less stressed than I’d been a couple hours ago.

Then I walked into the front door of Twilight’s palace.

With a flash of light, Twilight appeared next to one of her guards I hadn’t met yet. “No no no, you need to hang the banner behind that crystal, not in front of it!” She teleported next to Spike. “Have you gotten my regalia cleaned up yet? I know I usually don’t wear it, but Celestia said it was important for me to be as formal and respectful to the Archon as possible!” She zapped over to Pinkie Pie. “We need to have everything ready for the welcoming reception. Have you finished everything on the primary checklist? We still need to get through the secondary, tertiary, and quaternary lists before the Archon arrives! We’re not going to be ready in time!”

“Ooooh boy.” This was a long way from the most stressed I’d ever seen her, but once Twilight started getting this way there was always a risk that it would keep building up until she had a complete meltdown. As the bearer of bad news, I would almost certainly be pushing her a little bit closer to that point.

Storm flapped over and took one look at my face. “It did not go well with Fluttershy?”

I grimaced and nodded. “How’d you guess?”

Storm answered in a perfect deadpan. “You look like somepony who just realized you walked right into the middle of a forest fire while carrying a cart full of flammable oil.”

I groaned and ran a hoof down my face. “That’s a distressingly apt metaphor.”

Spike tiptoed over to us, keeping a wary eye out for the princess. “I guess it was too much to hope that Fluttershy would drop the whole thing at the last minute. So how bad is it?”

“Pretty bad.” I grimaced and looked out the window. “She’s got a lot more ponies backing her up than I expected, and they’re not quitting. In fact, finding out about the Archon thing seems to have encouraged them. More attention for the cause.”

“Well that’s just great,” Spike scowled and shook his head. “Reminds me about a book Twilight made me read said about this type of thing. Something about how you can put pressure on somepony by making them look bad to somepony whose opinion they care about.”

Twilight was definitely pretty worried about making a good impression on the Archon, so if that was Fluttershy’s plan she was off to a good start. “Well ... who wants the honor of giving her the bad news?” I waited a couple seconds to see if either of them were stupid enough to volunteer, then got to the important job of covering my own plot. “Not it!”

“Not it,” Storm followed up a second later, her reflexes honed by many years of growing up with a bratty little sister.

Spike scowled at both of us. “Seriously, you two?” When neither of us budged, he groaned and slapped his forehead. “Fiiine. But only because I know more about how to handle her when she’s like this than either of you.”

“See, this is why we nominated you to give her the news.” I gave him an encouraging nudge towards the irate princess. “We have absolute faith in your ability to handle this situation better than we could. Now go do it.”

“We believe in you,” Storm deadpanned so perfectly I couldn’t tell if she was serious or not.

Spike groaned and trudged to his doom. “Hey, um, Twilight. There’s something you need to know about...”

“What is it Spike?” Twilight snapped irritably. “Is it important? Because I just found out that someone sent the wrong music to the Ponytones for Freeport’s national anthem.” She scoffed and shook her head. “Everypony knows that Ruler of the Waves isn’t actually Freeport’s anthem, it’s just a popular patriotic song that became associated with Freeport because their actual anthem Stand As One had a melody similar to several other popular songs at the time it was composed. Probably because the original version was improvised on the spot during the revolution against Pirate King Darksword the Plutocrat. Do you realize what this means?!”

“Um...” I could see Spike sweating. “That ... the Ponytones might sing the wrong song?”

“Yes!” Twilight shouted. “The anthem is part of the formal greeting ceremony, so it’s a vital part of forming her first impression. What will the Archon think of me if I can’t even get her national anthem right?!”

“Uh...” Spike took a deep breath. “Anyway, about that news. Cloud has something really important she needs to tell you.”

Oh, that little...

Spike darted out of sight, leaving Twilight with an open line of approach to me. I was briefly tempted to make a run for it, but there was no way I could outrun the teleporting princess. Oh well, nothing for it now but to get it over with. “I talked to Fluttershy, and she’s not going to back down. I’m pretty sure the only way to make her quit is to give her what she wants.”

Twilight ran a hoof down her face and then groaned so loudly it bordered on a frustrated scream. “So much for that. I can’t believe that Fluttershy of all ponies is planning to make me look bad in front of the Archon!”

I tried to play the peacemaker. “I don’t think she’s trying to make you look bad. She just ... you know, wants to protect animals and nature and all that horseapples.”

Twilight sighed and waved concedingly. “I know, I know. She’s just super-focused on that, to the point of ignoring everything else going on. I’m a princess, I can’t just worry about the animals and the trees while ignoring what everypony else in Ponyville needs! I tried to give her a chance to meet me halfway and make sure we made the process as nature-friendly as possible, but she’s being completely unreasonable!” Twilight groaned and shook her head, then took a couple deep breaths. “I just ... I know she thinks this is too important, but I’m already up to my horn in problems and I really don’t need her adding to the pile.”

She seemed to be settling down a little bit, and I definitely wanted to encourage that. “Hey, relax. I’m sure you’ll have everything ready in time.”

Twilight took another deep breath. “Of course, you’re right. Sorry, it’s just little stressful trying to...” She trailed off, looking at something over my shoulder. Her eye started twitching, and I wisely got out of her way before the storm hit. “Oh, come on! The banner is... how can ...what the ... how can you misspell Freeport?! It’s only eight letters long, spelled exactly like it sounds! F-R-E-E-P-O-R-T!” She blasted the banner to nonexistence and started pacing frantically. “First the anthem was wrong, and then there was the mixup in the food order, and we still don’t have an exact arrival time for when the Archon’s arriving, just an estimate. I don’t even know if Celestia or any of the other princesses will be here, because I haven’t gotten an answer to the last letter I sent her. Oh, and let's not forget that the guest rooms aren't ready yet. Because they all need to be ready since we don’t know exactly how many are in the Archon’s party, and we need to be ready to make special accommodations for all the non-ponies with her. Then there’s—”

Storm stepped forward and pointedly cleared her throat. “Highness, perhaps you should make a list of everything we still need to take care of?”

Twilight teleported over to Storm and gave her a quick hug. “Yes! That’s it! A list! Spike, help me make a list!”

Spike popped out from wherever he’d been hiding. “Sure thing. Just let me...” He reached into his bag and pulled out a quill and ink, then several scrolls. Just when it was looking like he had things under control, he unrolled them to reveal that they’d already been used. “Uh-oh.”

Twilight closed her eyes for several seconds, then in a deceptively calm tone said.“Just pull from my spares in the library.”

“We already used those.” Spike pointed to one of the lists, which had ‘Refill spare scroll stockpile’ written right at the top.

Twilight’s eye started twitching again. “Okay. Okay. This is okay. This why we have an emergency backup scroll stockpile.”

“We used those to make all the sheet music for the band and the Ponytones,” Spike answered, flinching a bit as he added, “The ... uh ... apparently for the wrong song.”

This time her ear joined her eye in twitching. “Alright. Alright. Everything is still fine. There’s still the emergency secondary backup scroll stash.”

Spike cringed and held up his filled scrolls. “That’s where I got these from. They were the last ones left.”

Twilight smiled, or at least made a facial expression that was somewhat similar to a smile in that it exposed her teeth. “I think I must have misunderstood you, Spike. I thought you said we were completely out of writing material, despite the fact that I have a stash of blank scrolls and not one but two emergency backup stashes. But that’s impossible. How could I possibly be out of scrolls?” She gave him a quick pat on the head, her hoof lingering for just a second too long. “I’m sure you were just joking with me. You’re such a kidder, aren’t you Spike? That was so funny.” She ... made noises that might technically qualify as laughter if you used an especially loose definition of the term.

I was just about to bolt for the nearest exit when Storm saved us all. “One moment, Highness.” She dug around in her own saddlebag and pulled out a scroll. “I kept a spare copy of the sheet music for Ruler of the Waves. We can make a list on the back of it.”

Twilight’s facial expression returned to something resembling how an actual pony should look, though her eye was still twitching. “But ... we don’t write on the back of scrolls. The ink would get messy.”

Spike unrolled the scroll, then flipped the paper around. “Better?”

“Yes.” Twilight closed her eyes and took a deep breath, and when she opened them she looked almost like her old self again. “So, first things first, we need to refill the secondary emergency scroll stockpile. Then the primary emergency stockpile. Then the main scroll stash. We should also take an inventory of quills and ink to make sure we’re not running low on those. After that we can...”

Storm let out a long breath as Twilight slowly settled down while rattling off more and more items for her to-do list. She must have caught the look on my face, because she dropped her voice to explain. “List-making often helps calm the princess when she become ... agitated. It allows her to impose order on a chaotic situation.”

“Riiight.” I hadn’t ever seen her in the midst of one of her full-fledged breakdowns, but it was hard to argue with the results. Still... “You know, if your mother was here, I’m not sure whether she would praise you for helping her find a good coping mechanism or grump at you for enabling her ... um ... that.”

Storm shrugged. “If it calms the princess down, lets her organize everything, and allows us to finish preparing everything in time for the Archon’s visit...”

“Point.” It was hard to argue with her results, but I wasn’t about to stick around to see if her methods actually worked. “Well, good luck with that.” I made a hasty exit before Twilight ran out of parchment and left her happy place.

By the time I got out of the palace, I was ready to call it a day. I’d been running back and forth between Eepy and Twilight trying to mediate things only to watch the situation get worse. Dealing with Twilight’s near-miss with stress overload had pretty much burned away most of the benefit I’d gotten out of my trip to the spa with Rarity. I was tired, sore, grumpy, and had just generally had a less-than-great day.

The perfect state for going up to an old friend and asking for a huge favor.

I pounded on Bon Bon’s door until Lyra answered. “Hey Kicky, what’s—whoa, what happened to you? Is everything okay?”

I had no idea what I looked like, but it must’ve been pretty bad if Lyra could tell something was wrong just by looking at me. I decided to keep it short and simple. “Fluttershy and Twilight aren’t getting along. Tried to fix it. Now Fluttershy and I aren’t getting along either. Mind if I borrow your guest bedroom?”

Lyra blinked a couple times, then slowly opened the door for me. “Uh ... yeah, no problem.” She tried to work a friendly grin onto her face. “You wanna talk abou—”

“No.” A second later I realized I was probably being a bit too brusque, and moderated my tone. “Sorry, it’s been a long, unpleasant, and stressful day. Is it okay if I take a nap to get rid of Grumpy Nag Cloud and bring back Lovable Goofball Pervert Cloud?”

“Yeah, no problem.” She gave me a quick hug, but backed off as soon as it was clear I wasn’t in a hugging mood either. “I’ll go get sheets on the bed and let Bonnie know what’s up.”

I took a deep breath and managed to get a bit less grouchy. “Thanks. You’re a good friend. I owe you one. You and Bon Bon.”

“Don’t worry about it,” she assured me. “Just get your beautiful pregnant self in bed and rest up until you feel better. You know stress is bad for the baby.”

“Then tell the world to stop stressing me out,” I grumbled as I waddled my bloated pregnant body back to the guest bedroom.

Author's Note

As always, thanks to my pre-reading and editing team for all their hard work. Also, I would like to thank all my dedicated Patreon supporters. You guys are awesome.

Click here if you want to join the list of awesome people who support my writing.

Aidan Hall
Batbrony
Benjamin McLaren
Borg Lord
Brion Wauters
Charles M. Hagmaier
Chris Hall
ColdSilverD
Comma-Kazie
Creideiki
Cyanhyde
DaB.
Darkarma
Deep Cover
Dixie Daley
djthomp
Edmon Star
Emlyn Costilow
Errant
FallenAngelXy
Forderz
Jade Walters
Jessica T
MoistGooDragon
Patrick
Ponibius
Shank
Singularity Dream
Sweet Gale
Trinary
waritah
Web of Hope
Zennyth