Lost in My Thoughts

by DragonassasslnGR

Rating: mature
Tags: Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Rainbow Dash, Sad, Other
Length: 2171

Laying in bed Applejack Is left to her thoughts about an important matter to her.

Everyone has voices in their head when they think, logic, reason, Compassion, rage. When Applejack finds herself in her bed thinking about something that could redefine her life, she is stuck on the matter and must find a way to solve it.

Published 2015-07-03 01:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-04 03:12:11 UTC

The Conversation

Each day I sit here and wonder what I do to make things better, how I would find a way to keep them happy. I give everything for others, blood, sweat, tears and money… and then comes the stress. As I always do, I take a moment to rest when I can. With each moment that passes like this I find myself alone, especially as of late. It's quite without them and I am not one that likes to be left alone when there is bad blood in the air. After a long day of work I find myself lying in bed with my door closed. Silence all around me, not even the wind comes to greet me from the open window. It’s just me and the darkness that consumes my thoughts.

Hours would soon pass for me as I tossed and turned in my bed. I was unable to get to sleep as I dwelled on the day and the sudden turn it took. I was unsure of what my other friends would think, but my thoughts made me uneasy. The longer I was awake the more I thought and thought. Each second that passes offers me a new emotion while my body twists.

I lay there thinking to myself, “Is it all worth it? Is what I do for them worth my time?”

A voice calls to me in the back of my mind, “No, they just use you. Play with you like a toy, and when they have finished, they toss you aside to be forgotten and left to rot!”

Another voice calls to me before I can reply to the first, “No, they must care. Why else would they have spent so much time with you? They said they loved you! They must have meant it! They can’t be that heartless!”

Before I can reply I find these inner voices arguing. My mind feels cluttered. I want to believe the second voice; I want that hope.
Yet the second voice constantly speaks out in protest, “If they really gave a damn about you then why would they have done this? Why would they not speak to you?”

The other voice speaks up again, “It is because we are being punished, we hurt them. We know they are sensitive. You have seen them when they are not so upset. They give us happiness when we see and hear them. We are in this situation because we have failed them once again.”
“We?”,I think to myself.

Once again my second voice calls out in rage “Silence is what's killing us!”

I feel the anger inside me build at that outburst, along with fear, disgust. Feeling ill I turn in my bed as tears well up in my eyes.
My soft spoken voice speaks up, “This silence is our fault. We must bear the burden that our actions have caused us.”

“Oh and it is also our fault that just saying one kind word gets us yelled at and told to shut up, the explaining leads to this! No, how long are we going to go like this?! A week?! Two?! Enough of this nonsense, we are walking away now!” The angry voice exclaimed in rage.

“NO! If we do this then their view on our kind will forever be shattered. Not only will they be hurt for good, we will be left alone again,” the other voice says getting quieter as the thought enters my head for them both to see.

The voice of Rage quells his temper and looks to Compassion, who begins to sob softly.
A final voice calls to all of us, “If we keep this up, our sanity will be shattered, the love we feel for them is the only reason you want us to stay, we love them, but we also want to change their view that there is still some good in this world. But listen to me please. We must make a choice for everyone’s sake. If we stay, we may be able to help them, but risk so much on our end mentally. If we leave then they become a broken soul and the world may lose them.”

Rage speaks up, “This must end, or somehow it will on its own, and not in a good way.”

Compassion says sobbing, “We may be too late. I fear it already has.”

Before the final voice can speak and give our destination something stops him. None of us know what but he closes his mouth and walks away, leaving us to find a solution ourselves.

“Great, now he's gone, what the hell do we do now?!” Rage said.
Compassion looked over her tears, “Unless we can think of something, let’s just stick with it until we can make a choice.”
Rage stamped his foot, “AGAIN?!” he was silent for a moment then huffed. “Very well, but this silence will be the end of us. The longer it lasts the more we think, the more we think, the more we upset ourselves over this.”
Rage looked to Compassion as she gave a slight cough, a small amount of blood over her hoof.

“It’s starting again, we need to calm down.” he said taking a deep breath, and cooling from a magma red to a cool blue.
As my emotions subside I wipe my lip and clean the little blood that is there. Reaching over I grab my pills and swallow one before laying back down.

Mumbling to myself I look at the ceiling, “The stress over this will be the death of me.”
With that I looked out my window and to the orchard of apple trees, just barely visible I see the familiar cloud house of the cyan pegasus I call my closest friend. I begin to tear up, thinking of when she will talk to me again, or if she ever will.

The last words I mutter before exhaustion finally take me as lost to the night in a whisper of sobs, “I thought you loved me, because I still love you.”

Author's Note

Special thanks to Rogueunicorn
Edited by: Rogueunicorn

Aftermath of A Long Night Alone

Waking up with the sensation of vomiting was the one to greet me this morning. My thoughts kept me awake causing this sickly feeling in my gut, and only now does it desire to finally seek its freedom from me. Tears fill my eyes as the recollection of what I had lost the night before reenters my mind and predictably reopens the wounds.

"Why, Why did you force me out...? Why would you do this..? What did I do wrong this time..?" I whisper in tears.

A few minutes pass before I dry my tears and walk to the mirror in my room. Seeing this broken mare before me with a messy mane and tear stains in her fur makes my already empty stomach turn and twist in knots. The orange coat and burning emerald eyes slightly glazed over appear to be in shambles. A hard sigh leaves me before I finally decide to pick up my brush and make myself appear normal. Each time the brush slides down my mane it pulls out knots that make me feel something other than this sickness. With each tug I find myself listening to a conversation outside my door.

"It's finally day and we have gotten no sleep for the work we need to do today. That... Thing did this to us." calls a harsh angry voice of what sounds like a stallion.

the soft voice of a mare interjects, "That thing is the one we love. The one that loves us."

"Loved you mean. We were replaced by another. One that She seems to like. One that can be cheery. Somepony she hasn't gotten board of. Somepony that makes her happy... something we have apparently failed at..."

Looking to the door I find myself wondering who the two ponies are talking about.

Before I can do anything the soft spoken mare responds again, "She does seem fond of them. Its like she got ride of the old and found a better version."

The sound of a stop cracking the wood floor of the house echos from the hall followed by angry yelling, "She Broke her promise! She replaced us with... That damn stallion! He can do everything we can to a lesser extent! He takes her attenchin and if we even get a word in we are pushed aside and can't even say anything without getting an upset look or a snotty remark! WHY WHY DO WE STILL LOVE HER?!"

My hoof slams on my desk followed by tears that drip down. Weakly I reply to them softly, "Because she said she loved me. She needed someone to help her in a dark time. I needed her. So I would not lose myself."

looking down past the desk a sight catches me off guard. under my left hoof is the cracked floor. Looking back to the mirror I find two apparitions looking back at me. One of searing flames and another was a blue mare that looked transparent, her eyes glazed over and a chill of snow diffed from her tender frame. She gave a soft smile while the other glared daggers at me. Frozen in fear the only thing I am able to do is slowly breath while my eyes narrow. The pony of fire gets closer to my reflection forcing me to lean away slowly as the heat from the flames begins to burn me.

"So you finally speak to us. We finally get to hear your words! You have left us here to bicker and fight! AND NOW YOU CHOSE TO SPEAK!" He scolded.

The mare ferules her brow and speaks up, "That's enough out of you anger. She answered the question. We fell for her in the beginning. We trusted her, loved her, received love, and were happy."

"Then she thought she was bad at everything.. her pessimism kicked in.." I whisper softly.

The burning pony grits his teeth as the flames get hotter, "She made it so hard to even be nice to. fought us every step of the way. then he comes in and does the same thing and she is overjoyed! What in the hell is the problem with that picture! Why didn't you ever speak up?!"

Slamming my eyes shut I begin to tear up, "I didn't speak up because I was afraid. Every time I tried to open up it resulted in an argument. Then she would ignore me for a day or to. I was terrified i would lose her. I never wanted to lose her."

He snorts and turns around to walk away, "Well its too late, she abandoned us and is off with another. We were a third wheel."

Looking over in the mirror I glance at him, "W-what...?"

All I see is him looking over his shoulder as the fire burns brighter, "She fell for another and kicked You to the cerb. She dumped your whiny ass for someone new. Do you hear me now?"

The mare reaches for me trying to comfort the orange pony in the reflection but my outburst stops her, "I LOVE HER! SHE MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME! SHE IS MY DASHIE AND I AM HER APPUE!"

The flaming Stallion laughs and in the process he striking a nerve for me,"YOU MEAN NOTHING TO HER! IF YOU DID EVEN A LITTLE BIT YOU WOULD STILL BE THERE!"

Gritting my teeth I raise a hoof and strike the mirror cracking it beyond repair. In the cracked pieces Only the orange mare remains. Her lips mouthing the last few words I remember speaking while I begin to slid down against my dresser.

"she is my Dashie and I am her Appue." these word replay over and over and over while tears roll down my cheeks.

Eventually my ear twitches as the sound of a filmier voice calls to me, "AJ is everything alright?"

Clearing my throat I gather myself and get up. leaning my face with the sheets of my bed I pluck my fathers hat from my nightstand and put it on before heading to my door and putting on a brace face and a hallow smile.

Calling back to my elder brother Big Macintosh as I rush down the stairs, "Yeah I'm fine, just stubbed my hoof on the dresser and hit my mirror. Old thing is broke now but I'll replace it soon. Come on, we ain't gettin much done just standin here."

He gives me a funny look but nods knowing we don't have much time to wast on this right now.

"Alright AJ, but you need to be more careful. Things are gonna get busy here with the apple buck season comin soon." He says in a firm but caring tone.

At that we leave the house and begin our work around the farm, and leaving me to my thoughts.