An Author's Tormentby TiehunterChaptersA Break From LogicShe's Back AgainGummy's Turn To ShineA Break From LogicPinkie Pie looked up from the counter as another customer entered Sugarcube corner. Her heart leapt into her throat at the sight of the new customer. He was hot. He had sleek and muscular light brown body and a flowing mane and short tail of a deeper shade of brown. On his flanks were quartets of white stars. What really drew Pinkie’s attention was the fact that he had not only a pair of wings, but also a unicorn horn. Her heart began to beat faster as the alicorn walked up to the counter. The smile he gave her caused her stomach to flip flop and her legs to tremble. “Hi.” The alicorn said to Pinkie. “Hi.” She squeaked back. She wanted to say more than just ‘hi’, but she felt as if all the breath had left her lungs. He looked up at the menu above her head. She watched his green eyes scan the words. “Can I have a box of assorted cupcakes please?” He asked Pinkie as his eyes moved from the menu to her eyes. Her stomach jumped. “Su-sure.” She stuttered. She managed with a little difficulty to put together his box of cupcakes. She shakily handed him the box, which he enveloped in his magic. “Thanks.” He said to her with another knee weakening smile as he dropped the bits on the counter. “Y-you’re welcome.” She said in a very Fluttershy-like voice. She watched his flank and back muscles ripple as he walked out of the store. “That’s totally not how it would go.” Pinkie Pie said. She turned around and walked into the kitchen, her mind still consumed with thoughts about- Wait…what? What just happened? “I said that’s totally not how it would go.” Pinkie repeated. You can hear me? “Duh,” Pinkie said, rolling her eyes, “How else would we be talking right now?” That’s not possible. It’s not possible. “Sure it is!” Pinkie exclaimed joyfully. “You just said ‘That’s not possible. It’s not possible.’” How…how are you…how is this…how is this possible? Pinkie shrugged. “I don’t know loud-voice-in-my-head, how is it possible?” But…that can’t happen…this…it defies all logic and reasoning! It defies science! It defies the laws of the universe! It-oh wait…I should’ve seen that before. “Seen what?” Pinkie asked curiously. You’re Pinkie Pie. “What’s that got to do with it?” You defy logic and science on a constant basis. What’s another unbreakable law of science and common sense to someone who’s already broken so many? “Apparently not unbreakable enough, huh?” Apparently. “So loud-voice-in-my-head, are you going to fix this story or what?” Pinkie asked. Fix it? “Yeah, fix it. You know, correct what’s wrong with it.” What’s wrong with it? “Everything.” What? How can you say that? I’ve only managed to write the first several paragraphs so far. “And so far they’ve been…blah.” Pinkie stuck out her tongue like she just ate something that tasted terrible. Blah? “Blah.” Pinkie confirmed with a nod. Alright, what do you object to Pinkie? “Firstily, I don’t think he’s right for me.” What? You haven’t even gotten to know him yet! “So what’s he like loud-voice-in-my-head?” Well…he’s really smart like Twilight and really hard working like Applejack and really kind like Fluttershy and really creative like Rarity and really athletic like Rainbow Dash and- “So he’s basically a combination of many of my best friends’ best traits?” Pinkie asked with her eyebrow raised questioningly. Uh, I guess. “Why would I want to date my friends?” Pinkie said with a look of disgust. “That’s wrong.” Wrong? “Sick and wrong.” So, if you ignored the fact it was sick and wrong, would you date them? “Um…” Pinkie debated this for several seconds. “Maybe?” … “Loud-voice-in-my-head?” … “Heeeelllllooooo!” Pinkie yelled. Oh, sorry Pinkie Pie. “Where’d you go loud-voice-in-my-head?” I just got an idea. “Really! Are you going to throw a party? Because I love parties! With the cake and the balloons and the streamers and fun party games and the not so fun party games and the guests and the-” Pinkie. “-presents and the punch and the music and the confetti and the rides and the petting zoos and the-” Pinkie! “-party crashers and the bouncers and the bouncers throwing out the party crashers and the strippers and-” PINKIE! “Yes very-loud-interrupting-voice-in-my-head?” Pinkie asked with a smile. My idea has nothing to do with-did you say strippers? “No very-loud-interrupting-voice-in-my-head, I didn’t.” Yes you did, it says it right there. “I didn’t say that silly,” Pinkie said with another smile, “you did. You’re the one writing this after all.” But…but…I didn’t…never mind. “Okie dokie lokie very-loud-interrupting-confused-voice-in-my-head.” Let’s get back to the reason I’m writing this. Pinkie Pie, out of your five friends, who would you like to date most? “Do I have to date someone?” Pinkie complained. “Can’t I just go on an epic adventure to battle a villain bent on wiping us out or something instead?” Pinkie, this is a shipfic, not an adventure fic. “How about I meet some aliens from another universe?” It’s a shipfic, not a human fic. “How about I go to another story’s universe?” Shipfic, not crossover. “How about-” Pinkie, how about I show you the only other way I’m willing to write this? *** Rainbow Dash walked slowly past Pinkie Pie, her flanks swaying suggestively. The other mare’s rainbow tail brushed across Pinkie’s side, causing her to shudder. Rainbow turned her head around and gave Pinkie a coy smile. “How about we go upstairs?” Rainbow asked with a glint in her eyes. Pinkie watched Rainbow’s athletic body as her muscles shifted under her cyan coat while she climbed the steps. Pinkie began to follow- “STOP! STOP WRITING!” Pinkie Pie yelled in horror. “What is that…that…sick…wrong...” It’s called a clopfic Pinkie. And it’s either that or a shipfic. “Shipfic! Write the shipfic! PLEASE!” That’s what I thought. “How could you ever write something like that very-loud-interrupting-confused-gross-voice-in-my-head?” Pinkie said with a look of complete disgust on her face. “It’s so…so…” Sick? “Yah, and so…so...” Wrong? “Completely wrong!” It’s also the way this story’s going to go unless you choose one of your friends to date. “Fine!” Pinkie mulled over the decision for several seconds. “I guess I’d go with...Rainbow Dash.” Did that piece of clopfic influence your decision in any way? “NO!” Sure it didn’t Pinkie Pie. “It didn’t!” Pinkie protested. You keep telling yourself that. *** The Wonderbolts soared by just overhead, the wind of their passage whipping the crowd of spectators’ manes into disarray. That didn’t bother Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash in the slightest however. Pinkie’s mane was always a complete mess anyways and Rainbow was too focused on the Wonderbolts to care about her appearance. “I still can’t believe you took me to see the Wonderbolts Pinkie!” Rainbow Dash said in her high pitched fan voice. “This is the best date ever!” Pinkie gave Rainbow a huge smile. “I knew you’d love it!” Pinkie said happily. Pinkie rummaged through her mane for several seconds before pulling out a bag of popcorn. “Popcorn?” She asked Rainbow merrily. “Uh, sure Pinkie.” Rainbow said distractedly. Her pink eyes were completely focused on following the soaring forms of the Wonderbolts as they rolled and dove through the blue sky above. Pinkie watched Rainbow Dash’s expression of pure fascination as the Wonderbolts performed a new trick. She was happy that Rainbow Dash liked her choice of a first date so much. They watched the rest of the show in wonder as the Wonderbolts performed their flawless aerial dance. Perfect rolls and loops, narrow misses, close formation flying and cloud tricks followed each other in a seemingly endless stream. Pinkie wasn’t sure whether it was her or Rainbow Dash that cheered the loudest at the end. After the athletes had disappeared into their change room Rainbow Dash turned to Pinkie Pie with a huge smile. “That was so awesome!” She exclaimed. “Thanks for taking me Pinkie!” “You’re welcome Dashie.” Pinkie said with a matching smile. She looked into Dash’s pink eyes and suddenly realised her right fore-hoof was freezing cold. That could only mean one thing. Dash leaned toward Pinkie and- “Hold up!” Pinkie said. What? What’s wrong? “Several things very-loud-interrupting-confused-gross-voice-in-my-head.” Like what? “Firstily, I only keep cupcakes in my mane. Popcorn is kept in my tail.” Uh, okay. “Secondily, when I’m about to be kissed, my right hoof doesn’t get freezey. It ‘s my left ear that gets nibbly.” Nibbly? “Yes, nibbly.” What does that...never mind, I’m not even going to ask. Anything else wrong Pinkie? “Yah,” Pinkie said with a frown. “I don’t think Rainbow Dash is the one I should be dating.” Really? “I mean, she’s lots of fun and really fast and athletic and great at pulling pranks, but I don’t think this’ll work.” Why not Pinkie? Out of the five I think Rainbow Dash is the best suited for you. “She may be, but every time I read that my stomach gets clenchy.” It makes you nauseous? “No, it makes my stomach clenchy.” Pinkie said, her voice sounding as if that explained it all. Okay then...so you want to choose someone else? “Yep.” ... ... ... ... Pinkie? “Yes very-loud-interrupting-confused-gross-uncomprehending-voice-in-my-head?” Are you going to choose someone? “I thought you were going to very-loud-interrupting-totally-confused-gross-uncomprehending-voice-in-my-head. You are the author after all.” I...but...you...you’re giving me a headache. “Well then take some medicine and get writing! We still have several more of my friends to get through before the end of this.” How do you know-don’t ask her, just write the story. *** Twilight Sparkle gently tipped the contents of the measuring cup into the mixing bowl with her magic. “Okay Pinkie, that’s the flour. Next we should add the vanilla.” She said giving the pink party pony she was helping a smile. “Okie dokie lokie!” Pinkie Pie said as she bounced over with the vanilla in the teaspoon. Somehow the liquid managed to stay in the spoon until she poured it despite Pinkie’s several meter high jumps. Twilight shook her head at the illogic. She knew from experience it was easier not to ask how it was possible. “We should add the fruits next.” Pinkie said excitedly. She grabbed the bowls of fruit pieces and dumped them into the mixing bowl. “And the white chocolate!” She continued as she grabbed the bowl of chocolate pieces and emptied it on top of the fruits in the mixing bowl. “I think we should add some water now.” Twilight said as she eyed the mound of ingredients in the bowl. A measuring cup floated off the table and moved across the room to hover under the tap. Twilight magically turned the tap on and filled the cup before floating it back over and pouring the water into the bowl. “Anything else to add Pinkie or do you think this experiment is ready to be mixed, poured and baked?” “I think this mix is ready to go!” Pinkie Pie said with a bounce. She watched as the pretty purple unicorn grabbed a large spoon with her magic and began to mix the contents of the bowl together. Pinkie was so happy that Twilight had agreed to help her bake these new cupcakes. Twilight hadn’t really wanted to help too much at first, but when Pinkie had mentioned that it would be an experiment to try out some new flavors she’d changed her mind. Twilight was always willing to help with an experiment. Pinkie was glad her friend had agreed to help. It wasn’t as if Pinkie couldn’t make and bake the cupcakes on her own, she did that every day. No, she just wanted to spend some time with Twilight. She always felt extra happy when Twilight was around her. It was a feeling that she hoped the unicorn felt as well towards her. “Pinkie,” Twilight said, breaking her train of thought. “I have a question.” “Yes Twilight?” “What made you think of adding white chocolate to tropical fruit cupcakes?” “I’m just following the recipe.” Twilight’s brows furrowed. “I thought you made this up.” “I did.” “Then how are you following a recipe?” “I’m not.” “But you just said you were following a recipe.” “I am.” Twilight stopped stirring and turned to her smiling companion. “Let’s try this again.” “Okie dokie.” “Did you make this up?” “Yes.” “And is there a recipe?” “Yes.” “Did you make up the recipe?” “Yes.” “And are we following this recipe?” “Nope.” “Why not?” “Because it wouldn’t be an experiment if we followed the recipe Twilight.” “But you just made up the recipe.” “Yep.” “So shouldn’t we experiment to see if the recipe works?” “Yep.” “So why aren’t we?” “Because it’s not an experiment if we follow the recipe.” Twilight blinked several times before shaking her head. “Pinkie Pie, your logical illogic astounds and confounds me. You can make even the simplest task a mental challenge. I-” “That’s not it.” Pinkie Pie interrupted. What’s not it? “She’s not the one.” Really? I thought this was going pretty well. “Of course you would, it’s your writing. But my stomach still feels clenchy and now my lungs feel empty.” ... Empty? “Empty.” Pinkie confirmed. “And you know what that means.” I have no idea Pinkie. “Of course you do! You’re the one who wrote it!” ... Oh look, my headache’s back. “I told you to take some medicine very-loud-interrupting-totally-confused-gross-uncomprehending-voice-in-my-head.” She said in a scolding voice. “Why didn’t you?” Pinkie, I’ve been writing the entire time. I didn’t have time to go get some medicine. “How could I know you’ve been writing the entire time?” Haven’t you been here the entire time? “Yes, but I can’t tell if it takes you a second or a year to write what you do. I’m just a figment of someone’s imagination on a piece of paper, aren’t I? Time has no meaning for me.” I...my headache is getting worse. “I told you to take some medicine very-loud-interrupting-totally-confused-gross-uncomprehending-stupefied-voice-in-my-head.” It’ll probably go away if we just stay away from the logistics side of things Pinkie. “Okie dokie lokie. So who am I going to date next?” Eager, aren’t we? “Am I?” I’d say so. “Well you’re the one writing this.” Pinkie, my headache, remember? No logistics. “You’re the one writing this. If I bring up logistics it’s because you made me.” I...I...you...I...I’m just going to write the story now. “Great. Write Fluttershy next!” Whatever you say Pinkie. “It’s whatever you say very-loud-interrupting-totally-confused-gross-uncomprehending-stupefied-repetitive-voice-in-my-head, remember?” She said with a big smile. I’m going to ignore you now. *** The pair of mares watched in fascination as the clouds of multicolored butterflies floated around them. All the colors of the rainbow were represented on the beautiful wings of the gentle creatures. Dozens of the fragile creatures landed on Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy as they watched the first group in the great butterfly migration fly through the forest. Fluttershy held out her hoof and a small pink butterfly similar to the ones that made up her cutie mark landed on it. Pinkie watched as Fluttershy observed the delicate pink creature with her large teal eyes. She realized just how adept a metaphor butterflies were for Fluttershy. They were both gentle, timid, quiet and beautiful. She- “That doesn’t sound anything like me!” Pinkie Pie protested. You didn’t even let me finish. “I don’t care! If you aren’t going to represent me properly in a shipfic, then you shouldn’t write me in the shipfic.” But the symbolism is perfect. You have to admit that. “It may be, but this one made my stomach extra clenchy and my spine crinkly. I’m certain that it’s not Fluttershy.” Really Pinkie Pie, because I have to say that so far that one sounded the best- “I’m sure.” Pinkie said in a voice like steel. Alright then Pinkie, that leaves us with two more candidates. “Three candidates.” No, two. Applejack and Rarity. “Opps, I guess you’re right, silly me.” Pinkie, do you know something I don’t? “How could I know something you don’t very-loud-interrupting-totally-confused-gross-uncomprehending-stupefied-repetitive-voice-in-my-head if you’re the one write-” Don’t say it! Don’t say it! I know already! “Then why do you keep bringing it up silly?” Pinkie Pie asked with a big smile. Uhh, I need stronger headache medication; these don’t seem to be working at all. “Well than go out and buy stronger medication. I’ll still be here when you get back to write Rarity’s piece.” Pinkie Pie said matter-of-factly. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. *** The large purple balloon and its two occupants moved slowly across the beautiful orange sky as Princess Celestia set the sun. Large fluffy clouds stained orange by the sunlight drifted lazily around it. Behind the balloon the moon slowly rose from behind the other side of the planet. “Beautiful.” Rarity said breathlessly. Pinkie Pie nodded in agreement with her, but she wasn’t looking at just the sunset. Pinkie was looking at her marefriend against the fiery light of the sunset. It made Rarity’s perfect purple hair all the more striking and her flawless white coat glow with a faint yellow light. Rarity’s deep blue eyes glittered from the setting sun’s beautiful golden light. Rarity seemed to notice her companion’s stare and blushed slightly. “Something wrong Pinkie Pie?” Pinkie opened her mouth to respond, but words eluded her. She- “Hey,” Pinkie Pie butted in, “I never run out of things to say!” I noticed. “I demand you change that.” Alright then, what would you like to say Pinkie Pie? “Well, I would probably say that she was super duper pretty.” Super duper pretty... “Yah.” ... I think that kind of breaks the mood. “How would you know, you haven’t even tried it out yet.” Pinkie pointed out. “Give it a try.” Fine. *** “You look super duper pretty Rarity.” Pinkie said. Rarity blushed a deeper shade of red. “That’s really sweet of you to say dear.” Pinkie’s left ear started to feel nibbly as the two of them stared into each other’s eyes. Rarity leaned forward and- “See! I told you it would work!” Pinkie Pie interrupted. So you did. Can I get back to the story now? “No.” No? “No.” Why not? “You know,” Pinkie said with a roll of her eyes, “The same excuse as all the times before, my stomach’s feeling clenchy.” Same excuse? “Yah, you’ve used it every time to stop writing the story.” But it’s not me saying-forget it, you’re not dragging me down that twisted road of logic again. “Ok very-loud-interrupting-totally-completely-confused-gross-uncomprehending-stupefied-repetitive-voice-in-my-head.” I guess that just leaves Applejack. “No silly,” Pinkie said with a smile, “You keep overlooking one pony.” I do? Let’s see here, I’ve already written about Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy and Rarity and now I’m about to write Applejack’s. That’s all five. “Don’t worry very-loud-interrupting-totally-completely-confused-gross-entirely-uncomprehending-and-stupefied-repetitive-voice-in-my-head, you’ll figure it out when it becomes convenient.” Pinkie Pie said reassuringly. ... This headache’s become a migraine. “Well you really should be taking some pain medication very-loud-interrupting-totally-completely-confused-gross-entirely-uncomprehending-and-stupefied-repetitive-voice-in-my-head.” I am. It’s the strongest non-prescription stuff they have. And I’m not going out to get a prescription just to finish this story. So please don’t say anything that will agitate it. Pinkie nodded mutely. *** “It’s mighty kind of you to come help me bake these apple pies Pinkie.” Applejack said to the bouncing pink mare beside her. “I c’n use all the help I c’n get.” “I’m always willing to help bake!” Pinkie Pie said cheerily. “Especially your family’s famous apple pies.”Pinkie noisily licked her lips. “They’re soooo good!” “They are really good!” Shh! *** Applejack- “I mean they’re really really good!” Quiet Pinkie! *** Applejack- “They are totally awesome!” Pinkie! Do you want me to complete this story or not? “The real question very-loud-interrupting-totally-completely-confused-gross-entirely-uncomprehending-and-stupefied-repetitive-voice-in-my-head, is do you want to complete this story?” Do...I...of course I do! “Then why do I keep interrupting?” I HAVE NO CLUE WHY! “But you do!” She said accusingly. “Or else I wouldn’t be!” ... ... ... ... ... “So...did you figure it out yet?” Figure what out yet!? “The true story you’ve wanted to write the whole time.” What true story? “The one involving me and the sixth character, duh.” ... Spike? “No. Think deeper. Six elements of harmony, six friends, five that haven’t worked yet...” ... Uh oh. “You figured it out!” Pinkie exclaimed happily. “So, who’s the sixth pony?” You want to date yourself?! “BINGO! Right on the nose!” Pinkie cheered. “I mean come on, I’m perfect for me! I both love parties and sweets and baking and Gummy and my friends! You have to admit that I’m a perfect match for myself!” But...but...but Pinkie...there are several problems with this... “Like what very-loud-interrupting-totally-completely-confused-gross-entirely-uncomprehending-and-stupefied-repetitive-oblivious-voice-in-my-head?” Well, for one, how do you plan on dating yourself if there’s only one of you? “There were two Twilights at one point. Maybe like that.” You can’t use time travel to date yourself! “Well maybe you can’t very-loud-interrupting-totally-completely-confused-gross-entirely-uncomprehending-and-stupefied-repetitive-oblivious-killjoy-voice-in-my-head, but I exist entirely-” NO MORE PINKIE LOGIC! “Alright, sheesh. No need to yell excessively-loud-interrupting-totally-completely-confused-gross-entirely-uncomprehending-and-stupefied-repetitive-oblivious-killjoy-voice-in-my-head. But there are other ways for me to date myself.” ... I’m afraid to ask, but how Pinkie? “Well, Twilight could accidentally clone me or something while trying a new spell. Or maybe an alternate universe me could come to my universe and we fall in love or something along those lines.” Pinkie, if there was a second you, I’m pretty sure the universe would split apart at the seams. “Which universe?” All of them. “But there’s already a second me and there hasn’t been any catastrophical disasters yet.” ... Already a second you? “Hiya!” Pinkie Pie said. “Hey Pinkie Pie!” “Hey yourself, oh wait, you did!” “Good one Pinkie!” I shouldn’t have asked. “Do you want to go on a date Pinkie?” “Of course I would Pinkie, how did you know?” “Just a lucky guess Pinkie.” Time to buy prescription pain medication. “But I bet you can’t guess what we should do first though Pinkie!” “I bet I can Pinkie!” “THROW A PARTY!!” They yelled simultaneously. Oh dear sweet Celestia what have I done... “You haven’t done anything excessively-loud-interrupting-totally-completely-confused-gross-entirely-uncomprehending-and-stupefied-repetitive-oblivious-killjoy-voice-in-our-heads -” The one Pinkie started. “-and yet you’ve done everything excessively-loud-interrupting-totally-completely-confused-gross-entirely-uncomprehending-and-stupefied-repetitive-oblivious-killjoy-voice-in-our-heads!” The other Pinkie finished. They laughed. ... I hate Pinkie logic. The answer always seems so obvious, but it never is. “Then you’ll really hate my next question!” The one Pinkie said. “Was this story a fanfiction or a fanfaction?” The other Pinkie asked. ... What? “Was this story an obviously transparent lie-” The one Pinkie started. “-or an extremely well-concealed truth?” The other Pinkie finished. ... Do you know what? “What?” The Pinkie Pies asked simultaneously. I’m going to write a shipfic about one of the other five. Writing about you hurts my head too much. “We were wondering how long it would take you to figure that out.” “I bet it would take until the end.” “No, I did silly.” “No, it was me.” “No, me.” “No, me.” “No, me!” “No, me!” “It was ME!” “No, it was ME!” PINKIE! “Yes excessively-loud-interrupting-totally-completely-confused-gross-entirely-uncomprehending-and-stupefied-repetitive-oblivious-killjoy-voice-in-our-heads?” You’re the same pony. It doesn’t matter who said it. And if it were my guess, you probably both did. “Oh yah, that’d make sense.” About the only thing that’d make sense. Now, before anything else happens I’m going to go. “Goodbye excessively-loud-interrupting-totally-completely-confused-gross-entirely-uncomprehending-and-stupefied-repetitive-oblivious-killjoy-voice-in-our-heads!” They said simultaneously. Bye Pinkie Pie...and Pinkie Pie. I hope Twilight never figures out a way to allow others to do this. “But she already has!” And I’m gone! She's Back AgainPinkie? … Pinkie Pie? Are you here? … You better not be here again. … Pinkie? … Good. *** Th- “Hiya loud-voice-in-my-head!” Pinkie Pie said cheerfully. -is is exactly what I thought would happen. “How are you?” She asked with a big smile. I’ve been better. “So watcha writing today? Am I in it?” I don’t know, why don’t you tell me? … “ ’Th-’… what’s that mean loud-voice-in-my-head?” It means an interrupting pink pony showed up where she shouldn’t have again. … “Who’s that?” Never mind. No, you’re not in it this time Pinkie. “Aw, I’m not?” No, you’re not. Never again. “Then who is?” I’m thinking of writing about Twilight and Rainbow Dash this time. “Twilight and Dashie? Are you going to give them a couple name like, uh, Rainbow Sparkle? No, uh, Rainlight Sparash? No…” You mean like Twidash? “Don’t be silly. No one will go for a name like that.” Right. While you work on that, I’ll get back to the writing you interrupted. *** Th- “I have an idea!” Pinkie shouted happily. -at was what I thought would happen. “If you’re writing about Twilight and Dashie I know the perfect thing to help you!” What? “Close your eyes silly, it’s a surprise.” … Fine. They’re closed, now what? “Wow, you write really good with your eyes closed.” Pinkie, the surprise? “Oh, right. Ta-da!” … What is it? I can’t see it. “The perfect thing to help.” Pinkie said simply. … What’s that? “Twilight and Dashie of course.” “Pinkie Pie,” Twilight said in a slow voice, “Where in Equestria have you dragged us this time?” “Here.” … “Pinkie, I think she was hoping for a little more information than ‘here’.” Rainbow Dash explained. “We are at this location.” “And where, exactly, is this location?” Twilight asked. “Nowhere.” I see even you can’t get a straight answer out of her. “Who said that?” Twilight asked looking around. I did. “And who are you?” “That’s excessively-loud-interrupting-totally-completely-confused-gross-entirely-uncomprehending-and-stupefied-repetitive-oblivious-killjoy-takes-forever-to-continue-writing-and-still-has-no-good-ideas-unoriginal-voice-in-my-head.” Pinkie said happily. “Who?” “What?” Unoriginal!? “He’s the guy who writes the stuff and leaves when you try to help him.” “Writes?” Help!? “He’s also easily confused.” Pinkie, if I could I would so- “He’s writing about you two, so I thought maybe you could help him.” Pinkie finished. “So he’s an author writing about me?” Twilight asked excitedly. “That’s what I just said Twilight.” “So, is he transcribing my life for future generations?” No. “Twilight,” Rainbow dash said with a wave of her hoof, “He’s obviously writing about me and my awesomeness. You’re probably just here because I’m, like, the most important pony to hold an Element of Harmony and you were there every time I used one, right?” That’s not it either. “Then what are you writing?” “A Bowlight Raintwi shipfic.” Pinkie said happily. … … That’s less silly than Twidash? “What’s that mean Pinkie Pie?” Twilight asked the smiley pink pony. “Why don’t you ask the loud-voice-in-our-heads?” Me? Oh no, you dragged them into this, you can explain this to them. “Alright, I will. He’s putting you together.” … … “He’s making you a couple.” “HE’S WHAT!?” Twilight and Rainbow Dash yelled together. They seem thrilled. “I can’t believe-” “How can you-” “-she’s so not my type-” “-I do not go that way-” “-we have nothing in common-” “-I mean she’s cute but-” “-you can’t do this!” They finished simultaneously. I can, and I will. “I will not stand for this!” Twilight said. Then sit down. “I can’t believe you’re putting me with…her!” Rainbow said. “Hey!” “No offence.” There are worse outcomes than a simple date. “Like what?” Rainbow Dash asked. Well- “No!” Pinkie Pie yelled, “No more of that!” “No more of what, Pinkie?” Twilight asked looking concerned. “He’s crazy! Just go along with him. He has writing skills and isn’t afraid to use them in…ways.” “What kind of ways?” “Ways!” Pinkie said in a haunted voice. I see she remembers last time. “What happened last time?” Rainbow asked, looking at her pink friend with concern. Stuff. Stuff that I won’t have to write this time if you co-operate. … “Alright.” Twilight said with a defeated sigh. “Fine.” Rainbow said, crossing her forelegs. Good, good. *** Th- “Wait!” -e story will never be complete at this rate. “I almost forgot to tell you.” Pinkie said, “He doesn’t like to be interrupted while writing. So we should probably stay quiet.” … Pinkie. “Yes?” Thank you so much. … “Was that sarcasm?” “Gee, ya think?” Rainbow Dash said. *** The beautiful light of the sunrise shone on Twilight Sparkle through the window. She blinked her eyes and sat up, her mane- “What time was it?” Twilight asked. What? “I asked, what time was it?” Twilight repeated. I said it was sunrise. “Yes, but sunrise is an imprecise device for telling time.” The purple mare explained, “The exact time of sunrise changes seasonally and geographically, meaning that depending on the season and my location the exact time I am waking up would change.” “Why does it matter?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Because I want to make sure I have enough time to prepare for the day, Rainbow Dash. I usually wake up at six A.M. to be sure I have enough time to get ready.” Can I continue now? *** It was exactly six o’clock in the morning, midsummer in Ponyville when- “Midsummer?” Twilight asked. It’s good enough Twilight. “Not for me it isn’t.” Well you’re not the one writing the story, are you? *** -the beautiful light of the sunrise shone on Twilight Sparkle through the window. She- “’Through the window’?” Twilight asked. What’s wrong with that? “It’s kind of redundant, isn’t it? Like saying the water came through the pipes, or magic through a horn.” What’s your point? “Change it.” Alright, Fine. *** -the beautiful light of the sunrise shone on Twilight Sparkle as she lay in bed. She blinked her eyes and sat up, her mane a complete mess behind her head. “What a beautiful day.” She said as she looked out her window at Celestia’s sunrise. Today’s the day, she thought to herself as she got out of bed. She walked over to her vanity and- “What’s a vanity?” Rainbow Dash asked. Of course. “A vanity is a dressing table used to apply makeup, preen, and coif manes.” Twilight explained. “The table is normally quite low and similar to a desk, with drawers and one or more mirrors atop.” … “What’s coif mean?” “It means to style or arrange a mane.” The bookworm replied. Thank you dictionary. “I’m not a-” Moving on. *** -picked up her hairbrush. “How?” Twilight asked. How what!? “How did I pick up the hairbrush? Was with my magic? My hooves? My mouth?” Listen you- “Twilight there’s no reason to be so precise.” Rainbow Dash said. “Of course there is. The attention is in the details.” But if there’s too many details, you lose the story Twilight. “If there’s too few details, you will lose the audience.” She rebutted. “The way you want him to write the audience won’t care,” Rainbow Dash told Twilight, “They’ll be asleep.” “And the way you want him to write will make it seem amateurish.” “I’ve read some books Twilight. I know from what I’ve read it’ll be fine.” “You’ve read some books? What, Daring Do? I have read more books than you can hope to in your entire life! I live in a library for Celestia’s sake! And you are trying to lecture me on how to write?” Uh, girls- “Are you calling me stupid?” “No, I’m just saying you are in a race you can’t win, Rainbow. There is no way in all of Equestria you have a chance of beating me at reading, let alone come close to catching up.” “A race I can’t win! Me! The amazing and awesome Rainbow Dash! The fastest flyer in all of Equestria! As if you’d ever have a chance of beating me in a race!” “I already did! Or did you forget? I still have the medal if it will jog your memory.” Girls- “That doesn’t count! You had a handicap because my wings were tied behind my back and I had to keep AJ from winning!” “Keep AJ from winning!? You mean cheat so that you would win instead of her? Just so that you could rub it in her face that you were better?” “It wasn’t cheating!” “IT WASN’T CHEATING!? What in Equestria do you call it then!?” “I call it…opposition…distraction? Yeah, opposition distraction to win.” Oh why me. Why, why me. “Want some popcorn distraught-loud-voice-in-my-head?” Pinkie Pie asked cheerfully. Popcorn? Where’d you get popcorn? “From my mane.” Why do you have popcorn in your mane? “Because my tail is full of chips, duh. You should know this.” Of course. How silly of me. “A spy! Why in Equestria would you think I’m a spy!?” Pinkie, how do you get it to stay put in your mane? “I don’t know inquisitive-distraught-loud-voice-in-my-head.” You don’t know? “A turtle suits me just fine!” “How do we ponies pick up objects with our hooves? How do pegasususes touch clouds? How do Celestia and Luna control the Sun and Moon if their locations in the sky are based off the rotation of the planet?” “How could I know my future self didn’t come to warn me of a disaster!?” Uh…Magnets? “Magnets?” “I am not lazy! I’m a selective participator!” Alright, I don’t think there is a way to scientifically explain them. “Exactly. Which leaves the obvious explanations, Plot Convenience and Creative Leeway.” What? “That’s it!” Rainbow Dash yelled. *** “Hurr duurr,” Twilight Sparkle said, “I’m a stupid alicorn! Look at my big horn and wings! Aren’t I special! I spend all my time reading and learning spells I’ll never have to use! Hurr de durrrrrrrr!” “Oh no she didn’t!” “Two can play at that game Rainbow!” Twilight yelled back. *** Just then Rainbow Dash crashed through the roof of the library. Again. “Oh, I’m so sorry Princess Twilight Sparkle, former student of Princess Celestia, our ruler, and highly honoured graduate of Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns for crashing through your roof. Again. I am just a lazy pegasus who doesn’t know better.” The rainbow-maned mare said, bowing before the Princess. Hey! This is not the way the story goes! You can’t just- *** The awesomely cool pegasus stood up from the floor. “I’m sorry your oh-so-highness. I was busy doing my job critical to the survival of the land and didn’t see where I was going.” The princess took a step closer to the commonpony. “Not seeing where you were going, that could explain why you crash land so often. Or, maybe it’s your big head throwing off your aerodynamics.” “It may explain why I crash land so often,” The totally radical pegasus responded as she took a step towards the pompous princess, “But what’s your excuse? The Egghead’s Guide to Flying checked out of the library you live in?” “Actually, I think it’s the training you gave me paying off. You know, for the wings I got after I transformed from being the most powerful unicorn in Equestria to the third most powerful alicorn in existence.” The admirable alicorn said as she took another step towards the brash crasher. “And what, exactly, are you a princess of, princess?” The amazingly awesome flyer asked as she stepped closer to the disinteresting alicorn. “The sun? No. The moon? No. Oh wait, I know. The Ponyville Library.” “Can you guys keep it down?” Twilight Sparkle’s amazing number one assistant Spike asked form where he was sleeping as the two mares stared each other down. He had done a lot of work the previous day, and wanted to use all the little time he had to sleep. Wait, what? Where’d- *** “You heard my dragon assistant I hatched myself using my powerful magic, Rainbow Crash.” The incredibly powerful Twilight said to the featherbrained buffoon Rainbow. “It is impolite to yell in a library filled with words you can’t understand, after all.” “Darling’s, please!” The stunningly beautiful and incredibly talented Rarity asked as she swept into the room, an amazing dress draped across her gorgeous body, “Can’t we all just get along?” How did- *** “Listen to the amazingly overwhelmingly beautiful lady, guys.” Spike said as he kissed her perfect hoof, “She is absolutely right after all, being completely perfect as she is.” The perfect white unicorn stepped past the little assistant and up to her two feuding best friends. “I know we can work this out, we just need to try.” “Please, I-I really don’t like to see you fight like this.” What’s that say, I- *** “I’m sorry, being the stupid alicorn I am, I apologise to my kind hardworking friend.” “You have nothing to apologise for oh incredibly intelligent princess. It was me, the lazy dolt, who should apologize.” “Some of us actually have to work, princess.” “Maybe you should join them, you’d learn something.” This was supposed to be a love story! *** “Maybe we should just let them work out their relationship issues by themselves, guys.” Pinkie Pie said from where she was sitting eating her popcorn. “We doNOThaverelationshipissues!”Theycalmlyinformed theinsanemare. “Doesn’t sound that way to me.” Stop arguing! *** “Well, well, well,” the all-powerful draconequus spirit of chaos said from beside Fluttershy, “Looks like they’re experiencing some…discord.” “Please don’t ever do that joke again.” Guys, stop! *** “WE THINK IT IS TIME WE INTERVENE, BEFORE OUR SISTER ARRIVES TO CLAIM THE CREDIT.” The mare of the moon said using herearshatteringly loudRoyal Canterlot Voice to be heard clearly throughout the really small room. When did the room get so crowded? *** “I am right next to you, dear sister.” The princess of the sun said from beside her extremely loud little sister. “And why would you think I’d claim the credit?” “Claim the credit. Doesn’t that sound familiar, Twilight? How much of my work do you claim as your own when you write to the princess, hmmm?” STOP THIS FIGHTING NOW! *** “I would never need to, Rainbow. I do a lot of work myself, completely without your help. You, on the other hand…” GUYS! STOP! *** “I do a lot of hard work! And I practice my flight skills!” SERIOUSLY, GUYS, STOP! *** “Then how come whenever I see you, you’re napping or goofing off!” PLEASE STOP! *** “How come whenever I see you you’re checking off lists and reading your books!” Rainbow Dash said, pressing her forehead against Twilight's. GUYS! *** “Maybe because that’s my job!” Twilight responded, pushing back against Rainbow. “Featherbrain!” STOP! *** “Egghead!” Angry magenta eyes locked with equally as angry purple ones and the two ponies tried to glare each other down. Neither would give. And then they kissed. … … … … … … I win. … Ha. *** And then they- “Yuck!” Rainbow yelled as she spun away from Twilight. “I can’t believe you kissed me!” Twilight yelled at Rainbow Dash. “You kissed me!” “Did not!” “Did too!” “Wasn’t that sweet?” Pinkie Pie asked the two mares. They both glared daggers at her. Well it looks like I got the ending I wanted, even if the story was wrong. “I can’t believe you thought we’d ever go together.” Rainbow Dash yelled. I don’t know, it still seems like it could work- “As if!” “Let’s never speak of this again.” “Agreed.” … “Pinkie.” “What?” “Do you promise not to speak of this again?” “Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye. Cause if you mess with Pinkie Pie, you better kiss your flank goodbye.” I don’t remember that last part. “Good. Let’s get out of here.” Maybe now I’ll actually get a story done. “What do you mean finally-successful-inquisitive-distraught-loud-voice-in-my-head?” Pinkie asked “I think this one is good.” But I didn’t write most of it. “Of course you did, silly. Who else could have?” You and Rainbow and Twilight and the others, that’s who. “We couldn’t have written that,” She said with a giggle “We’re just figments of someone’s imagination on paper. We can’t control what’s written about us.” But… “Now hurry up and end this, Twilight and Dashie have already left.” How should I- “Oh, we forgot the theme song!” Author's Note Yes, it's been a year since I wrote the first chapter. But slow and steady makes a good final product. And it's not because I couldn't think of anything. Gummy's Turn To Shine“Hey, loud-voice-in-my-head!” Pinkie Pie called out. … “Loud-voice-in-my-head!” Pinkie yelled. … “I know you can hear me!” No I can’t. “There you are loud-voice-in-my-head!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “I need you to do something for me.” You want a favor? Pinkie nodded. You want a favor, from me? “Yep.” Pinkie Pie, I wasn’t even writing a story this time. You just appeared out of nowhere. “Now that’s just nonsense.” No, Pinkie- “I, being a fictional character, must be written by someone at some point in order to do anything. If you do not intend for this to go anywhere, why are you writing this in the first place? And does that mean that all that writing below us is actually nonsense meant to make this seem like an actual story?” Pinkie Pie… “The way you write these you’re forcing the reader out of their suspension of disbelief, or in other words, their desire to perceive fiction as fact by constantly having me remind them it’s a fictional story just when they can get comfortable. Kinda like constantly blowing an air horn in somepony’s ear just as they’re about to fall asleep.” Pinkie…stop… “And that leads me to how I know there’ll be a story. Because this conversation is written in the present tense it appears to be happening as we speak, when in actuality it was all recorded in the past. The reader sees this in the future and perceives it as currently happening, when in actuality every event was already predetermined. So although they may not have read the entire story yet, they do know there will be a story eventually. And since I know this and every word I say is written by you, you know just as well as I do where this is going.” Fine! Alright! I’ll write your story! Just stop talking! “Great! But it’s not really me who wants you to write a story.” Alright then, who? “Gummy does!” She said cheerfully. Gummy…your mute pet alligator… “Yep!” … No. “What?” I said no. “But why?” How the heck am I supposed to write love stories about him? “Just like always. Lots of description, some cliché romantic setting or story and a load of nonsense.” … I won’t do it. “Well then we have the same problem as before. The story seems to be stuck again. But there are words after this, right? So that means we are going to eventually make a story at some point, right? I’m sure some of you reading this just checked. And now those that didn’t are feeling doubtful, hmm? They really want to, but they’re afraid to follow my instructions. But I control their minds. They are reading this in my voice. Their tongue can’t find a comfortable place in their mouth. They have an itch somewhere they now need to scratch. They have now entered manual blinking and breathing mode. I bet they had to read this twice.” ALRIGHT! I’ll do it! Just stop! “Great!” Pinkie cheered. Yeah, great. … “Gummy says that he’s appreciative that you would consider writing this for him.” It’s no problem, not like I had any other plans. … “Gummy says he has several candidates he would like to choose from. He would like you to write a scene for each of them so Gummy can choose the best one.” Sure, whatever he wants. … “Gummy says the first pony he’s thinking of is Big Mac.” Big Mac? Really? “But Gummy isn’t into stallions, so he would appreciate it if you would write Big Mac as a mare.” … He…what? “Gummy wants-” I heard what you said, it’s just…screw it, fine. Any other conditions? … “Gummy says no.” Alright then. Let’s see what I’ve got. *** Big Macintosh sat at the edge of the cliffside, watching as the sun set behind the distant mountains. It was mid-autumn and all the trees were painted in bright yellows, oranges and reds. The Running of the Leaves would be soon, so this was probably her last chance to see the trees in their autumn colors before they were shaken off. Big Mac and her very special somepony had decided to go on a weekend camping trip up the mountains to enjoy the beauty of nature one last time before the winter weather began. They had borrowed a map from Twilight Sparkle and hiked up to the top of the mountain where she now sat, enjoying the sunset with her very special somepony. The trip hadn’t been nearly as long or difficult as Twilight had made it out to be. Big Mac turned and looked at her very special somepony seated next to her. He was staring at the sunset with his stunning purple eyes, probably entranced by its beauty. No one had ever expected the two of them to get together, back before they were dating. It had come as quite a shock to their friends and family when they told them. Big Mac had to admit she was a bit surprised herself. It may have been the species difference, or maybe the fact that he didn’t talk that made Big Mac not take notice of Gummy at first. She still wasn’t quite sure why she had fallen in love with Gummy. Maybe it was his looks. Maybe it was how quiet they both were. Maybe it was fate. Whatever the reason, she knew in her heart it was right. As she looked back out at the setting sun she let out a content sigh. Love was all that mattered in the end. I can’t believe that actually worked. … “Gummy says he really liked it.” Pinkie said, wiping a tear from her eye. “I really did too.” Uh, thanks. … “Gummy says he thinks that Big Mac will be the one.” Ok, good. Then I suppose we can end this right here. I’ll- “Wait! Gummy still wants to hear what you’d write for the others.” He does? “Yep!” … I guess if I said no you’d just babel until I wrote it anyways. So, who’s next? … “Gummy says that the Doctor is next.” Doctor Whooves? “Yep, and he’d also like the Doctor written as a mare.” … Of course he would. “You can do that, can’t you?” Of course I can… *** “Doctor!” Derpy yelled, “Grab on to my hooves! I’ll pull you in!” “I kind of need them to run at the moment Derpy!” The Doctor yelled back. She was currently running from a herd of cyberponies that Derpy had accidentally alerted to their presence. She and her companions had gotten separated during their attempt to escape capture. They had made it to the tardis and returned to rescue her. Now the tardis was flying slightly ahead and above of her with Derpy hanging out the door trying to rescue the Doctor, her hooves dangling just out of the Doctor’s reach. “Fly her a little lower, Derpy!” “Fly her lower Gummy!” Derpy yelled back into the tardis. “Gummy’s flying the tardis!?” “Yeah, why?” “How does he… never mind, I’ll find out later!” The tardis dropped lower until it was almost skimming the ground. “Jump Doctor!” Derpy yelled, her arms stretched out to catch the Doctor. So she did. And at that moment, Gummy hit the brakes. Instead of catching Derpy’s waiting hooves, she crashed full-speed into Derpy as she flew though the now stationary doorway. “The Doctor…is in.” With the Doctor now safely aboard the tardis Gummy instructed the ship to take them away from the planet, full speed. “Good work Gummy!” The Doctor said as she picked herself up off of a dazed Derpy. She turned to the control panel where the small alligator sat staring at her. “I couldn’t have flown a better rescue myself!” She walked up to where her rescuer was sitting. “I could almost kiss you!” His purple eyes stared into hers. “Oh, why not.” She bent down and kissed the top of his head. “Thank you both!” The doctor said happily. “Since when can the Doctor fly?” Derpy moaned. … “Gummy finds it far-fetched.” What part? The Doctor being a mare? Him flying the tardis? … “No, he just doesn’t think Derpy Hooves could be the Doctor’s assistant.” … Right. That’s defiantly the far-fetched part. … “Gummy says that this is an interesting idea. He’ll consider this one.” Great. Who’s next? … “You.” … What? … “Gummy says you, loud-voice-in-my-head.” … I…I…what? How…what? “Gummy say that he’d like to see what it would be like to date you next.” How the heck am I supposed to write that!? “I don’t know. You’re the author, you figure it out.” You’re a big help Pinkie. “You’re welcome incapable-loud-voice-in-my-head!” Pinkie said with a smile. … “Oh! Oh! Gummy has an idea!” Great. What is it? “Gummy thinks you should use your OC.” Tie Hunter? “Sure. Why not?” ‘Cause it seems kind of amateurish. Also I’d have to introduce him. “Her.” What? Tie Hunter’s a guy. “Not for long she won’t be.” I don’t get it. “It’ll come to you incapable-and-slow-loud-voice-in-my-head.” … Oh no. “So you remembered Gummy only dates mares?” I am not changing Tie Hunter’s gender just so your pet alligator can go on a pretend date! “Please?” No! Why am I even arguing over this? I don’t want to and I’m not going to date Gummy! “You say that, but everypony already knows it’s a foregone conclusion that you’ll end up writing this. Otherwise it would have never have been brought up.” No. That’s it. I’m done. Goodbye. … … … … “We’re still here.” Pinkie Pie said in a sing-song voice. … “But of course we are, the story isn’t over yet.” She continued. … “You can sulk all you want later. The quicker you write this, the sooner it’ll be over with.” … *** NO. THE END. “Fine, I guess I'll just have to do it myself.” Pinkie said with a smile. What? *** There was a knock at Tie Huntress’s door- Tie Huntress!? *** -just as she finished getting ready for her big date. She was wearing a stunning short white dress made by Rarity, so of course she looked amazing. Who doesn’t look amazing in Rarity’s outfits? She can make anyone look amazing. Pinkie- *** Anyways, Huntress finally went to answer her door. Took her long enough. Opening the door, she was presented with the sight of her tall and handsome date, Gummy. Tall? He probably doesn’t even reach her- *** “Hello, my dear.” He said in his deep, masculine voice. Gummy can’t talk! And why on earth would his voice- *** Gummy’s voice was ten times manlier than the manliest voice you could think of. Actually, maybe eleven times manlier. Or twelve. Now you’re just being ridiculous. *** He was wearing a handsome tuxedo tailor-made for him by Rarity. It amplified his natural handsomeness, making unprepared mares swoon at the sight of him. Huntress’s beauty was nothing compared to her date’s handsomeness, like comparing the light of a candle to the sun. Don’t hold back, Pinkie. Tell us what you really think. *** Gummy produced a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers. “For you my dear.” He said as he handed her the gifts. Aw, how sweet! ‘Produced’? Produced from where? *** “We must be going my dear, our dinner reservations are for six-thirty, and we can’t be tardy.” Tardy, ha. Such a funny word. Like kumquat, or gesundheit. Anyways, the couple walked hoof-in-foot- I don’t think that would- *** -to Sugar Cube Corner. I should’ve seen that coming. *** Upon their arrival they were greeted by Pinkie Pie, who was something of a local celebrity. She was well known and loved amongst the community and famous for her amazing parties. She was also a holder of an Element of Harmony, Laughter to be precise. It was probably the most important one of them all. Without her help, all of Equestria may have fallen numerous times over. Feeling a bit narcissistic today, are we? *** “Welcome lady and gentleman,” Pinkie said cheerfully. Of course she said it cheerfully, she is always happy after all. And also funny. “Right this way.” She led the amazingly amazing Gummy and his slightly-above-average date to their table. ‘Slightly-above-average’? Is that all I am now? *** “We will have the spaghetti,” the gentlemanly Gummy told their waiter. Sugar Cube Corner serves spaghetti? Since when? *** “I have it right here sir.” Their stupendous waiter told him, putting a big plate of spaghetti on the table. She had known what to make ahead of time because her right hindleg had felt wibbly. You have a Pinkie sense for that specific- *** “Shall we eat, my dear?” Gummy asked Tie Huntress. She nodded, and so they did. Do you plan on giving her a single line to-? *** As they both ate, they realized one long strand of spaghetti was connecting both of their mouths. As if no one saw that coming. *** Their eyes locked and Tie Huntress blushed. Uh, Pinkie- *** Gummy began to eat down the strand- That’s good enough Pinkie! *** -and their lips came closer and closer. REALLY PINKIE PIE YOU CAN STOP NOW! *** Tie Huntress closed her eyes and- PINKIE PIE THIS IS MORE THAN ADEQUATE YOU CAN STOP WRITING NOW I THINK ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE GETS THE POINT! … “Alright, I suppose so.” Whew. … “Gummy says he thinks I may have overexaggerated you a bit.” She said helpfully. ME? But…you…whatever. … “Gummy says he’s not too sure about that one, but he’ll keep it in mind.” I’m just bursting with excitement. “Are you ready to write the next one, or will I have to again?” Pinkie asked. Considering what a wreck the last one was, I’ll write all of them from now on. “Alright then overly-voluminous-unappreciative-interruptive-incapable-and-slow-voice-in-my-head.” … “Gummy says the next pony he’d like you to write is Rarity.” … Rarity? Of all ponies, he thinks he has a chance with Rarity!? Who’s next, Celestia? “What’s the problem overly-voluminous-unappreciative-interruptive-incapable-and-slow-inconsiderate-voice-in-my-head?” I could never see anything, anything, developing between the two of them. He is most defiantly not Rarity’s type. “Why does that matter? This is only a fiction after all.” … I guess you’re right Pinkie. When have I ever let anything like that stop me before? *** The feather duster flew around the room, stopping just long enough to perform its task before heading somewhere else. It reminded Rarity of a hyperactive humming bird. She magically whisked it anywhere she believed dust could have settled since the last time she had cleaned. With a thought she moved it across the mantel, effortlessly sending it sweeping through and over the pictures sitting there. The one of her and Sweetie Belle at the Sisterhooves Social, the one of her and the girls at The Grand Galloping Gala, and of course the one of her wedding day. Rarity could still remember that day like it was yesterday. Months of planning had come to fruition that day as Princess Celestia herself wed Rarity and her beloved together in the palace’s chapel. Rarity still couldn’t believe Twilight had set it all up for her. ‘Just one of the perks of being good friends with royalty.’ She thought cheerfully. She heard the door open and close behind her. She turned around to see her husband, Gummy, standing there. She smiled and said- “That is the most absurdly ludicrous thing I have ever read!” … I didn’t know you felt that way too, Pinkie. “I didn’t say that.” “I did!” Rarity yelled. “You there! Voice!” Uh, yes? “You will address me as ma’am, understood?” Yes, ma’am. “If I ever catch you doing something like this about me again, I will find out where you are. I will find a way to get there. Then I will make your life a living hell. Am I understood?” Yes, sir! I mean, ma’am! Understood, ma’am! It won’t happen again, ma’am! “Good. Now,” Rarity gave Pinkie an icy glare, “If I ever suspect you’re even thinking about pulling something like this again, I will…” She whispered something in Pinkie’s ear. “No! You wouldn’t dare!” Pinkie yelled in horror. “Try me!” Rarity said with a smile. … “Alright Rarity, I promise I won’t ever do anything like this ever again.” “Pinkie promise!” “Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye. ‘Cause if I mess with Rarity, she will shave my mane on me!” “Good, have fun!” Rarity said as she walked away. … … … Does Rarity have some sort of sixth sense for when illogical stuff happens? “Don’t be silly overly-voluminous-scolded-unappreciative-interruptive-incapable-and-slow-inconsiderate-voice-in-my-head, only Twilight has that.” She does? “Of course. She always tells me she gets headaches when I’m around, especially when I do things she doesn’t understand.” I think everyone gets headaches when you’re around Pinkie Pie. … “Gummy says that if Rarity doesn’t want you to write about her we can move on to the last pony on his list.” Who’s that? … “Princess Celestia.” Of course it is. I’m not even going to bother being surprised anymore. … “Gummy says that he has a special request for her piece also.” He does? What is it? … “Gummy says he’d like you to write him as the alicorn and her as the alligator.” … … Wh-What? H-he wants what? “Gummy says he wants you to write him as an alicorn prince and Celestia as an alligator.” … Don’t you think that kind of stretches the borders of the vaguely possible Pinkie!? “This whole story does that.” Pinkie Pie said, “Are you telling me you want to get into a debate of logistics now, overly-voluminous-scolded-unfortunately-unappreciative-and-interruptive-unimaginative-incapable-and-slow-inconsiderate-voice-in-my-head?” No! No I don’t! “Because-” Let’s get this story started! *** Celestia the alligator watched as the sun set from atop the head of her coltfriend, Gummy the alicorn, on the balcony of the royal palace in Canterlot. She marveled at its beauty and simplicity, and pondered how Gummy managed to do it. Move the sun. A giant ball of flaming gas with a diameter of over a million kilometers that was over a hundred million kilometers away. “It must take a lot of magic to do that.” Celestia said, “Right, Gummy?” He didn’t respond. Then again, he never did respond. She couldn’t remember him ever speaking. That was her Gummy, always playing the strong, silent type. But she knew better. He was really a big softy at heart. Which reminded her that she’d been called here by him for a surprise. “What did you want to show me, my dear?” She asked her prince. Gummy flared his wings and, without a word of warning, took off from the balcony. Celestia clung to his horn as they gained altitude. A pair of pegasi with music-related cutie marks flew up behind them and, as if on some cue Celestia couldn’t see, began to sing a romantic duet. Celestia looked out at the scenery and her breath caught in her throat. They were so high up! Large, fluffy clouds stained orange by the dying rays of the sun flew by them. She looked down at the small trees and houses dotting the landscape far beneath them. Small clusters of buildings that were towns dotted the landscape, connected by lines that represented roads and train tracks. Farmer’s fields turned the ground into something resembling a patchwork quilt. Small dots that were probably ponies heading home for the night moved about. Celestia gasped at the beauty of it all. She’d never known what it was like to fly, being an alligator. But she had always wondered what it was like to look down upon the world from above. She wondered how Gummy had known. ‘He must have sensed it.’ She thought happily. Considering how in love they were, it was as if they shared one mind sometimes. ‘He’s trying to tell me he loves me!’ She kissed the top of his head. “I love you too.” She whispered. Celestia the alligator watched happily as her coltfriend, Gummy the alicorn, flew them off into the horizon, trailed by the two singing pegasi. “What in the name of Celestia is going on here!?” Twilight yelled. “Hey Twilight!” Pinkie said happily. “Don’t ‘hey’ me, Pinkie.” Twilight said crossly. What are you doing here Twilight? “I spontaneously got a super-migraine and knew Pinkie had to be doing something so absurd, so crazy that…well, that I could feel it at a distance.” She said, rubbing her head. What’s a super-migraine? “Obviously it’s a migraine wearing a cape, overly-voluminous-scolded-unfortunately-unappreciative-and-interruptive-unimaginative-incapable-and-slow-inconsiderate-voice-in-my-head.” “You,” Twilight said, grabbing Pinkie’s tail with her magic, “You’re coming with me.” “But-” “No buts!” “Twilight-” “Don’t ‘Twilight’ me, Pinkie. You’re leaving, now.” Twilight said, dragging Pinkie Pie off. “But…But…But…” Pinkie Pie said, her voice trailing off into the distance. … Well, I guess that’s that. Finally. Silence. … … Wait a minute, I just took orders on how to write my stories from a crazy, fictional, pink party pony’s mute, toothless pet alligator. … I am so done with this. Author's Note I'm going to take a break for a while. I'll see you all in therapy. Disclaimer: The author will not be held responsible for any mind control, mental damage and/or localized fourth wall breaches caused by the reading of this story. If you experience side effects lasting for more than thirty days, consult your doctor about joining a mental institution. Battery's not included. Some assembly required. Offer not available in-stores. Read at your own risk.
A Break From LogicPinkie Pie looked up from the counter as another customer entered Sugarcube corner. Her heart leapt into her throat at the sight of the new customer. He was hot. He had sleek and muscular light brown body and a flowing mane and short tail of a deeper shade of brown. On his flanks were quartets of white stars. What really drew Pinkie’s attention was the fact that he had not only a pair of wings, but also a unicorn horn. Her heart began to beat faster as the alicorn walked up to the counter. The smile he gave her caused her stomach to flip flop and her legs to tremble. “Hi.” The alicorn said to Pinkie. “Hi.” She squeaked back. She wanted to say more than just ‘hi’, but she felt as if all the breath had left her lungs. He looked up at the menu above her head. She watched his green eyes scan the words. “Can I have a box of assorted cupcakes please?” He asked Pinkie as his eyes moved from the menu to her eyes. Her stomach jumped. “Su-sure.” She stuttered. She managed with a little difficulty to put together his box of cupcakes. She shakily handed him the box, which he enveloped in his magic. “Thanks.” He said to her with another knee weakening smile as he dropped the bits on the counter. “Y-you’re welcome.” She said in a very Fluttershy-like voice. She watched his flank and back muscles ripple as he walked out of the store. “That’s totally not how it would go.” Pinkie Pie said. She turned around and walked into the kitchen, her mind still consumed with thoughts about- Wait…what? What just happened? “I said that’s totally not how it would go.” Pinkie repeated. You can hear me? “Duh,” Pinkie said, rolling her eyes, “How else would we be talking right now?” That’s not possible. It’s not possible. “Sure it is!” Pinkie exclaimed joyfully. “You just said ‘That’s not possible. It’s not possible.’” How…how are you…how is this…how is this possible? Pinkie shrugged. “I don’t know loud-voice-in-my-head, how is it possible?” But…that can’t happen…this…it defies all logic and reasoning! It defies science! It defies the laws of the universe! It-oh wait…I should’ve seen that before. “Seen what?” Pinkie asked curiously. You’re Pinkie Pie. “What’s that got to do with it?” You defy logic and science on a constant basis. What’s another unbreakable law of science and common sense to someone who’s already broken so many? “Apparently not unbreakable enough, huh?” Apparently. “So loud-voice-in-my-head, are you going to fix this story or what?” Pinkie asked. Fix it? “Yeah, fix it. You know, correct what’s wrong with it.” What’s wrong with it? “Everything.” What? How can you say that? I’ve only managed to write the first several paragraphs so far. “And so far they’ve been…blah.” Pinkie stuck out her tongue like she just ate something that tasted terrible. Blah? “Blah.” Pinkie confirmed with a nod. Alright, what do you object to Pinkie? “Firstily, I don’t think he’s right for me.” What? You haven’t even gotten to know him yet! “So what’s he like loud-voice-in-my-head?” Well…he’s really smart like Twilight and really hard working like Applejack and really kind like Fluttershy and really creative like Rarity and really athletic like Rainbow Dash and- “So he’s basically a combination of many of my best friends’ best traits?” Pinkie asked with her eyebrow raised questioningly. Uh, I guess. “Why would I want to date my friends?” Pinkie said with a look of disgust. “That’s wrong.” Wrong? “Sick and wrong.” So, if you ignored the fact it was sick and wrong, would you date them? “Um…” Pinkie debated this for several seconds. “Maybe?” … “Loud-voice-in-my-head?” … “Heeeelllllooooo!” Pinkie yelled. Oh, sorry Pinkie Pie. “Where’d you go loud-voice-in-my-head?” I just got an idea. “Really! Are you going to throw a party? Because I love parties! With the cake and the balloons and the streamers and fun party games and the not so fun party games and the guests and the-” Pinkie. “-presents and the punch and the music and the confetti and the rides and the petting zoos and the-” Pinkie! “-party crashers and the bouncers and the bouncers throwing out the party crashers and the strippers and-” PINKIE! “Yes very-loud-interrupting-voice-in-my-head?” Pinkie asked with a smile. My idea has nothing to do with-did you say strippers? “No very-loud-interrupting-voice-in-my-head, I didn’t.” Yes you did, it says it right there. “I didn’t say that silly,” Pinkie said with another smile, “you did. You’re the one writing this after all.” But…but…I didn’t…never mind. “Okie dokie lokie very-loud-interrupting-confused-voice-in-my-head.” Let’s get back to the reason I’m writing this. Pinkie Pie, out of your five friends, who would you like to date most? “Do I have to date someone?” Pinkie complained. “Can’t I just go on an epic adventure to battle a villain bent on wiping us out or something instead?” Pinkie, this is a shipfic, not an adventure fic. “How about I meet some aliens from another universe?” It’s a shipfic, not a human fic. “How about I go to another story’s universe?” Shipfic, not crossover. “How about-” Pinkie, how about I show you the only other way I’m willing to write this? *** Rainbow Dash walked slowly past Pinkie Pie, her flanks swaying suggestively. The other mare’s rainbow tail brushed across Pinkie’s side, causing her to shudder. Rainbow turned her head around and gave Pinkie a coy smile. “How about we go upstairs?” Rainbow asked with a glint in her eyes. Pinkie watched Rainbow’s athletic body as her muscles shifted under her cyan coat while she climbed the steps. Pinkie began to follow- “STOP! STOP WRITING!” Pinkie Pie yelled in horror. “What is that…that…sick…wrong...” It’s called a clopfic Pinkie. And it’s either that or a shipfic. “Shipfic! Write the shipfic! PLEASE!” That’s what I thought. “How could you ever write something like that very-loud-interrupting-confused-gross-voice-in-my-head?” Pinkie said with a look of complete disgust on her face. “It’s so…so…” Sick? “Yah, and so…so...” Wrong? “Completely wrong!” It’s also the way this story’s going to go unless you choose one of your friends to date. “Fine!” Pinkie mulled over the decision for several seconds. “I guess I’d go with...Rainbow Dash.” Did that piece of clopfic influence your decision in any way? “NO!” Sure it didn’t Pinkie Pie. “It didn’t!” Pinkie protested. You keep telling yourself that. *** The Wonderbolts soared by just overhead, the wind of their passage whipping the crowd of spectators’ manes into disarray. That didn’t bother Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash in the slightest however. Pinkie’s mane was always a complete mess anyways and Rainbow was too focused on the Wonderbolts to care about her appearance. “I still can’t believe you took me to see the Wonderbolts Pinkie!” Rainbow Dash said in her high pitched fan voice. “This is the best date ever!” Pinkie gave Rainbow a huge smile. “I knew you’d love it!” Pinkie said happily. Pinkie rummaged through her mane for several seconds before pulling out a bag of popcorn. “Popcorn?” She asked Rainbow merrily. “Uh, sure Pinkie.” Rainbow said distractedly. Her pink eyes were completely focused on following the soaring forms of the Wonderbolts as they rolled and dove through the blue sky above. Pinkie watched Rainbow Dash’s expression of pure fascination as the Wonderbolts performed a new trick. She was happy that Rainbow Dash liked her choice of a first date so much. They watched the rest of the show in wonder as the Wonderbolts performed their flawless aerial dance. Perfect rolls and loops, narrow misses, close formation flying and cloud tricks followed each other in a seemingly endless stream. Pinkie wasn’t sure whether it was her or Rainbow Dash that cheered the loudest at the end. After the athletes had disappeared into their change room Rainbow Dash turned to Pinkie Pie with a huge smile. “That was so awesome!” She exclaimed. “Thanks for taking me Pinkie!” “You’re welcome Dashie.” Pinkie said with a matching smile. She looked into Dash’s pink eyes and suddenly realised her right fore-hoof was freezing cold. That could only mean one thing. Dash leaned toward Pinkie and- “Hold up!” Pinkie said. What? What’s wrong? “Several things very-loud-interrupting-confused-gross-voice-in-my-head.” Like what? “Firstily, I only keep cupcakes in my mane. Popcorn is kept in my tail.” Uh, okay. “Secondily, when I’m about to be kissed, my right hoof doesn’t get freezey. It ‘s my left ear that gets nibbly.” Nibbly? “Yes, nibbly.” What does that...never mind, I’m not even going to ask. Anything else wrong Pinkie? “Yah,” Pinkie said with a frown. “I don’t think Rainbow Dash is the one I should be dating.” Really? “I mean, she’s lots of fun and really fast and athletic and great at pulling pranks, but I don’t think this’ll work.” Why not Pinkie? Out of the five I think Rainbow Dash is the best suited for you. “She may be, but every time I read that my stomach gets clenchy.” It makes you nauseous? “No, it makes my stomach clenchy.” Pinkie said, her voice sounding as if that explained it all. Okay then...so you want to choose someone else? “Yep.” ... ... ... ... Pinkie? “Yes very-loud-interrupting-confused-gross-uncomprehending-voice-in-my-head?” Are you going to choose someone? “I thought you were going to very-loud-interrupting-totally-confused-gross-uncomprehending-voice-in-my-head. You are the author after all.” I...but...you...you’re giving me a headache. “Well then take some medicine and get writing! We still have several more of my friends to get through before the end of this.” How do you know-don’t ask her, just write the story. *** Twilight Sparkle gently tipped the contents of the measuring cup into the mixing bowl with her magic. “Okay Pinkie, that’s the flour. Next we should add the vanilla.” She said giving the pink party pony she was helping a smile. “Okie dokie lokie!” Pinkie Pie said as she bounced over with the vanilla in the teaspoon. Somehow the liquid managed to stay in the spoon until she poured it despite Pinkie’s several meter high jumps. Twilight shook her head at the illogic. She knew from experience it was easier not to ask how it was possible. “We should add the fruits next.” Pinkie said excitedly. She grabbed the bowls of fruit pieces and dumped them into the mixing bowl. “And the white chocolate!” She continued as she grabbed the bowl of chocolate pieces and emptied it on top of the fruits in the mixing bowl. “I think we should add some water now.” Twilight said as she eyed the mound of ingredients in the bowl. A measuring cup floated off the table and moved across the room to hover under the tap. Twilight magically turned the tap on and filled the cup before floating it back over and pouring the water into the bowl. “Anything else to add Pinkie or do you think this experiment is ready to be mixed, poured and baked?” “I think this mix is ready to go!” Pinkie Pie said with a bounce. She watched as the pretty purple unicorn grabbed a large spoon with her magic and began to mix the contents of the bowl together. Pinkie was so happy that Twilight had agreed to help her bake these new cupcakes. Twilight hadn’t really wanted to help too much at first, but when Pinkie had mentioned that it would be an experiment to try out some new flavors she’d changed her mind. Twilight was always willing to help with an experiment. Pinkie was glad her friend had agreed to help. It wasn’t as if Pinkie couldn’t make and bake the cupcakes on her own, she did that every day. No, she just wanted to spend some time with Twilight. She always felt extra happy when Twilight was around her. It was a feeling that she hoped the unicorn felt as well towards her. “Pinkie,” Twilight said, breaking her train of thought. “I have a question.” “Yes Twilight?” “What made you think of adding white chocolate to tropical fruit cupcakes?” “I’m just following the recipe.” Twilight’s brows furrowed. “I thought you made this up.” “I did.” “Then how are you following a recipe?” “I’m not.” “But you just said you were following a recipe.” “I am.” Twilight stopped stirring and turned to her smiling companion. “Let’s try this again.” “Okie dokie.” “Did you make this up?” “Yes.” “And is there a recipe?” “Yes.” “Did you make up the recipe?” “Yes.” “And are we following this recipe?” “Nope.” “Why not?” “Because it wouldn’t be an experiment if we followed the recipe Twilight.” “But you just made up the recipe.” “Yep.” “So shouldn’t we experiment to see if the recipe works?” “Yep.” “So why aren’t we?” “Because it’s not an experiment if we follow the recipe.” Twilight blinked several times before shaking her head. “Pinkie Pie, your logical illogic astounds and confounds me. You can make even the simplest task a mental challenge. I-” “That’s not it.” Pinkie Pie interrupted. What’s not it? “She’s not the one.” Really? I thought this was going pretty well. “Of course you would, it’s your writing. But my stomach still feels clenchy and now my lungs feel empty.” ... Empty? “Empty.” Pinkie confirmed. “And you know what that means.” I have no idea Pinkie. “Of course you do! You’re the one who wrote it!” ... Oh look, my headache’s back. “I told you to take some medicine very-loud-interrupting-totally-confused-gross-uncomprehending-voice-in-my-head.” She said in a scolding voice. “Why didn’t you?” Pinkie, I’ve been writing the entire time. I didn’t have time to go get some medicine. “How could I know you’ve been writing the entire time?” Haven’t you been here the entire time? “Yes, but I can’t tell if it takes you a second or a year to write what you do. I’m just a figment of someone’s imagination on a piece of paper, aren’t I? Time has no meaning for me.” I...my headache is getting worse. “I told you to take some medicine very-loud-interrupting-totally-confused-gross-uncomprehending-stupefied-voice-in-my-head.” It’ll probably go away if we just stay away from the logistics side of things Pinkie. “Okie dokie lokie. So who am I going to date next?” Eager, aren’t we? “Am I?” I’d say so. “Well you’re the one writing this.” Pinkie, my headache, remember? No logistics. “You’re the one writing this. If I bring up logistics it’s because you made me.” I...I...you...I...I’m just going to write the story now. “Great. Write Fluttershy next!” Whatever you say Pinkie. “It’s whatever you say very-loud-interrupting-totally-confused-gross-uncomprehending-stupefied-repetitive-voice-in-my-head, remember?” She said with a big smile. I’m going to ignore you now. *** The pair of mares watched in fascination as the clouds of multicolored butterflies floated around them. All the colors of the rainbow were represented on the beautiful wings of the gentle creatures. Dozens of the fragile creatures landed on Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy as they watched the first group in the great butterfly migration fly through the forest. Fluttershy held out her hoof and a small pink butterfly similar to the ones that made up her cutie mark landed on it. Pinkie watched as Fluttershy observed the delicate pink creature with her large teal eyes. She realized just how adept a metaphor butterflies were for Fluttershy. They were both gentle, timid, quiet and beautiful. She- “That doesn’t sound anything like me!” Pinkie Pie protested. You didn’t even let me finish. “I don’t care! If you aren’t going to represent me properly in a shipfic, then you shouldn’t write me in the shipfic.” But the symbolism is perfect. You have to admit that. “It may be, but this one made my stomach extra clenchy and my spine crinkly. I’m certain that it’s not Fluttershy.” Really Pinkie Pie, because I have to say that so far that one sounded the best- “I’m sure.” Pinkie said in a voice like steel. Alright then Pinkie, that leaves us with two more candidates. “Three candidates.” No, two. Applejack and Rarity. “Opps, I guess you’re right, silly me.” Pinkie, do you know something I don’t? “How could I know something you don’t very-loud-interrupting-totally-confused-gross-uncomprehending-stupefied-repetitive-voice-in-my-head if you’re the one write-” Don’t say it! Don’t say it! I know already! “Then why do you keep bringing it up silly?” Pinkie Pie asked with a big smile. Uhh, I need stronger headache medication; these don’t seem to be working at all. “Well than go out and buy stronger medication. I’ll still be here when you get back to write Rarity’s piece.” Pinkie Pie said matter-of-factly. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. *** The large purple balloon and its two occupants moved slowly across the beautiful orange sky as Princess Celestia set the sun. Large fluffy clouds stained orange by the sunlight drifted lazily around it. Behind the balloon the moon slowly rose from behind the other side of the planet. “Beautiful.” Rarity said breathlessly. Pinkie Pie nodded in agreement with her, but she wasn’t looking at just the sunset. Pinkie was looking at her marefriend against the fiery light of the sunset. It made Rarity’s perfect purple hair all the more striking and her flawless white coat glow with a faint yellow light. Rarity’s deep blue eyes glittered from the setting sun’s beautiful golden light. Rarity seemed to notice her companion’s stare and blushed slightly. “Something wrong Pinkie Pie?” Pinkie opened her mouth to respond, but words eluded her. She- “Hey,” Pinkie Pie butted in, “I never run out of things to say!” I noticed. “I demand you change that.” Alright then, what would you like to say Pinkie Pie? “Well, I would probably say that she was super duper pretty.” Super duper pretty... “Yah.” ... I think that kind of breaks the mood. “How would you know, you haven’t even tried it out yet.” Pinkie pointed out. “Give it a try.” Fine. *** “You look super duper pretty Rarity.” Pinkie said. Rarity blushed a deeper shade of red. “That’s really sweet of you to say dear.” Pinkie’s left ear started to feel nibbly as the two of them stared into each other’s eyes. Rarity leaned forward and- “See! I told you it would work!” Pinkie Pie interrupted. So you did. Can I get back to the story now? “No.” No? “No.” Why not? “You know,” Pinkie said with a roll of her eyes, “The same excuse as all the times before, my stomach’s feeling clenchy.” Same excuse? “Yah, you’ve used it every time to stop writing the story.” But it’s not me saying-forget it, you’re not dragging me down that twisted road of logic again. “Ok very-loud-interrupting-totally-completely-confused-gross-uncomprehending-stupefied-repetitive-voice-in-my-head.” I guess that just leaves Applejack. “No silly,” Pinkie said with a smile, “You keep overlooking one pony.” I do? Let’s see here, I’ve already written about Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy and Rarity and now I’m about to write Applejack’s. That’s all five. “Don’t worry very-loud-interrupting-totally-completely-confused-gross-entirely-uncomprehending-and-stupefied-repetitive-voice-in-my-head, you’ll figure it out when it becomes convenient.” Pinkie Pie said reassuringly. ... This headache’s become a migraine. “Well you really should be taking some pain medication very-loud-interrupting-totally-completely-confused-gross-entirely-uncomprehending-and-stupefied-repetitive-voice-in-my-head.” I am. It’s the strongest non-prescription stuff they have. And I’m not going out to get a prescription just to finish this story. So please don’t say anything that will agitate it. Pinkie nodded mutely. *** “It’s mighty kind of you to come help me bake these apple pies Pinkie.” Applejack said to the bouncing pink mare beside her. “I c’n use all the help I c’n get.” “I’m always willing to help bake!” Pinkie Pie said cheerily. “Especially your family’s famous apple pies.”Pinkie noisily licked her lips. “They’re soooo good!” “They are really good!” Shh! *** Applejack- “I mean they’re really really good!” Quiet Pinkie! *** Applejack- “They are totally awesome!” Pinkie! Do you want me to complete this story or not? “The real question very-loud-interrupting-totally-completely-confused-gross-entirely-uncomprehending-and-stupefied-repetitive-voice-in-my-head, is do you want to complete this story?” Do...I...of course I do! “Then why do I keep interrupting?” I HAVE NO CLUE WHY! “But you do!” She said accusingly. “Or else I wouldn’t be!” ... ... ... ... ... “So...did you figure it out yet?” Figure what out yet!? “The true story you’ve wanted to write the whole time.” What true story? “The one involving me and the sixth character, duh.” ... Spike? “No. Think deeper. Six elements of harmony, six friends, five that haven’t worked yet...” ... Uh oh. “You figured it out!” Pinkie exclaimed happily. “So, who’s the sixth pony?” You want to date yourself?! “BINGO! Right on the nose!” Pinkie cheered. “I mean come on, I’m perfect for me! I both love parties and sweets and baking and Gummy and my friends! You have to admit that I’m a perfect match for myself!” But...but...but Pinkie...there are several problems with this... “Like what very-loud-interrupting-totally-completely-confused-gross-entirely-uncomprehending-and-stupefied-repetitive-oblivious-voice-in-my-head?” Well, for one, how do you plan on dating yourself if there’s only one of you? “There were two Twilights at one point. Maybe like that.” You can’t use time travel to date yourself! “Well maybe you can’t very-loud-interrupting-totally-completely-confused-gross-entirely-uncomprehending-and-stupefied-repetitive-oblivious-killjoy-voice-in-my-head, but I exist entirely-” NO MORE PINKIE LOGIC! “Alright, sheesh. No need to yell excessively-loud-interrupting-totally-completely-confused-gross-entirely-uncomprehending-and-stupefied-repetitive-oblivious-killjoy-voice-in-my-head. But there are other ways for me to date myself.” ... I’m afraid to ask, but how Pinkie? “Well, Twilight could accidentally clone me or something while trying a new spell. Or maybe an alternate universe me could come to my universe and we fall in love or something along those lines.” Pinkie, if there was a second you, I’m pretty sure the universe would split apart at the seams. “Which universe?” All of them. “But there’s already a second me and there hasn’t been any catastrophical disasters yet.” ... Already a second you? “Hiya!” Pinkie Pie said. “Hey Pinkie Pie!” “Hey yourself, oh wait, you did!” “Good one Pinkie!” I shouldn’t have asked. “Do you want to go on a date Pinkie?” “Of course I would Pinkie, how did you know?” “Just a lucky guess Pinkie.” Time to buy prescription pain medication. “But I bet you can’t guess what we should do first though Pinkie!” “I bet I can Pinkie!” “THROW A PARTY!!” They yelled simultaneously. Oh dear sweet Celestia what have I done... “You haven’t done anything excessively-loud-interrupting-totally-completely-confused-gross-entirely-uncomprehending-and-stupefied-repetitive-oblivious-killjoy-voice-in-our-heads -” The one Pinkie started. “-and yet you’ve done everything excessively-loud-interrupting-totally-completely-confused-gross-entirely-uncomprehending-and-stupefied-repetitive-oblivious-killjoy-voice-in-our-heads!” The other Pinkie finished. They laughed. ... I hate Pinkie logic. The answer always seems so obvious, but it never is. “Then you’ll really hate my next question!” The one Pinkie said. “Was this story a fanfiction or a fanfaction?” The other Pinkie asked. ... What? “Was this story an obviously transparent lie-” The one Pinkie started. “-or an extremely well-concealed truth?” The other Pinkie finished. ... Do you know what? “What?” The Pinkie Pies asked simultaneously. I’m going to write a shipfic about one of the other five. Writing about you hurts my head too much. “We were wondering how long it would take you to figure that out.” “I bet it would take until the end.” “No, I did silly.” “No, it was me.” “No, me.” “No, me.” “No, me!” “No, me!” “It was ME!” “No, it was ME!” PINKIE! “Yes excessively-loud-interrupting-totally-completely-confused-gross-entirely-uncomprehending-and-stupefied-repetitive-oblivious-killjoy-voice-in-our-heads?” You’re the same pony. It doesn’t matter who said it. And if it were my guess, you probably both did. “Oh yah, that’d make sense.” About the only thing that’d make sense. Now, before anything else happens I’m going to go. “Goodbye excessively-loud-interrupting-totally-completely-confused-gross-entirely-uncomprehending-and-stupefied-repetitive-oblivious-killjoy-voice-in-our-heads!” They said simultaneously. Bye Pinkie Pie...and Pinkie Pie. I hope Twilight never figures out a way to allow others to do this. “But she already has!” And I’m gone!
She's Back AgainPinkie? … Pinkie Pie? Are you here? … You better not be here again. … Pinkie? … Good. *** Th- “Hiya loud-voice-in-my-head!” Pinkie Pie said cheerfully. -is is exactly what I thought would happen. “How are you?” She asked with a big smile. I’ve been better. “So watcha writing today? Am I in it?” I don’t know, why don’t you tell me? … “ ’Th-’… what’s that mean loud-voice-in-my-head?” It means an interrupting pink pony showed up where she shouldn’t have again. … “Who’s that?” Never mind. No, you’re not in it this time Pinkie. “Aw, I’m not?” No, you’re not. Never again. “Then who is?” I’m thinking of writing about Twilight and Rainbow Dash this time. “Twilight and Dashie? Are you going to give them a couple name like, uh, Rainbow Sparkle? No, uh, Rainlight Sparash? No…” You mean like Twidash? “Don’t be silly. No one will go for a name like that.” Right. While you work on that, I’ll get back to the writing you interrupted. *** Th- “I have an idea!” Pinkie shouted happily. -at was what I thought would happen. “If you’re writing about Twilight and Dashie I know the perfect thing to help you!” What? “Close your eyes silly, it’s a surprise.” … Fine. They’re closed, now what? “Wow, you write really good with your eyes closed.” Pinkie, the surprise? “Oh, right. Ta-da!” … What is it? I can’t see it. “The perfect thing to help.” Pinkie said simply. … What’s that? “Twilight and Dashie of course.” “Pinkie Pie,” Twilight said in a slow voice, “Where in Equestria have you dragged us this time?” “Here.” … “Pinkie, I think she was hoping for a little more information than ‘here’.” Rainbow Dash explained. “We are at this location.” “And where, exactly, is this location?” Twilight asked. “Nowhere.” I see even you can’t get a straight answer out of her. “Who said that?” Twilight asked looking around. I did. “And who are you?” “That’s excessively-loud-interrupting-totally-completely-confused-gross-entirely-uncomprehending-and-stupefied-repetitive-oblivious-killjoy-takes-forever-to-continue-writing-and-still-has-no-good-ideas-unoriginal-voice-in-my-head.” Pinkie said happily. “Who?” “What?” Unoriginal!? “He’s the guy who writes the stuff and leaves when you try to help him.” “Writes?” Help!? “He’s also easily confused.” Pinkie, if I could I would so- “He’s writing about you two, so I thought maybe you could help him.” Pinkie finished. “So he’s an author writing about me?” Twilight asked excitedly. “That’s what I just said Twilight.” “So, is he transcribing my life for future generations?” No. “Twilight,” Rainbow dash said with a wave of her hoof, “He’s obviously writing about me and my awesomeness. You’re probably just here because I’m, like, the most important pony to hold an Element of Harmony and you were there every time I used one, right?” That’s not it either. “Then what are you writing?” “A Bowlight Raintwi shipfic.” Pinkie said happily. … … That’s less silly than Twidash? “What’s that mean Pinkie Pie?” Twilight asked the smiley pink pony. “Why don’t you ask the loud-voice-in-our-heads?” Me? Oh no, you dragged them into this, you can explain this to them. “Alright, I will. He’s putting you together.” … … “He’s making you a couple.” “HE’S WHAT!?” Twilight and Rainbow Dash yelled together. They seem thrilled. “I can’t believe-” “How can you-” “-she’s so not my type-” “-I do not go that way-” “-we have nothing in common-” “-I mean she’s cute but-” “-you can’t do this!” They finished simultaneously. I can, and I will. “I will not stand for this!” Twilight said. Then sit down. “I can’t believe you’re putting me with…her!” Rainbow said. “Hey!” “No offence.” There are worse outcomes than a simple date. “Like what?” Rainbow Dash asked. Well- “No!” Pinkie Pie yelled, “No more of that!” “No more of what, Pinkie?” Twilight asked looking concerned. “He’s crazy! Just go along with him. He has writing skills and isn’t afraid to use them in…ways.” “What kind of ways?” “Ways!” Pinkie said in a haunted voice. I see she remembers last time. “What happened last time?” Rainbow asked, looking at her pink friend with concern. Stuff. Stuff that I won’t have to write this time if you co-operate. … “Alright.” Twilight said with a defeated sigh. “Fine.” Rainbow said, crossing her forelegs. Good, good. *** Th- “Wait!” -e story will never be complete at this rate. “I almost forgot to tell you.” Pinkie said, “He doesn’t like to be interrupted while writing. So we should probably stay quiet.” … Pinkie. “Yes?” Thank you so much. … “Was that sarcasm?” “Gee, ya think?” Rainbow Dash said. *** The beautiful light of the sunrise shone on Twilight Sparkle through the window. She blinked her eyes and sat up, her mane- “What time was it?” Twilight asked. What? “I asked, what time was it?” Twilight repeated. I said it was sunrise. “Yes, but sunrise is an imprecise device for telling time.” The purple mare explained, “The exact time of sunrise changes seasonally and geographically, meaning that depending on the season and my location the exact time I am waking up would change.” “Why does it matter?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Because I want to make sure I have enough time to prepare for the day, Rainbow Dash. I usually wake up at six A.M. to be sure I have enough time to get ready.” Can I continue now? *** It was exactly six o’clock in the morning, midsummer in Ponyville when- “Midsummer?” Twilight asked. It’s good enough Twilight. “Not for me it isn’t.” Well you’re not the one writing the story, are you? *** -the beautiful light of the sunrise shone on Twilight Sparkle through the window. She- “’Through the window’?” Twilight asked. What’s wrong with that? “It’s kind of redundant, isn’t it? Like saying the water came through the pipes, or magic through a horn.” What’s your point? “Change it.” Alright, Fine. *** -the beautiful light of the sunrise shone on Twilight Sparkle as she lay in bed. She blinked her eyes and sat up, her mane a complete mess behind her head. “What a beautiful day.” She said as she looked out her window at Celestia’s sunrise. Today’s the day, she thought to herself as she got out of bed. She walked over to her vanity and- “What’s a vanity?” Rainbow Dash asked. Of course. “A vanity is a dressing table used to apply makeup, preen, and coif manes.” Twilight explained. “The table is normally quite low and similar to a desk, with drawers and one or more mirrors atop.” … “What’s coif mean?” “It means to style or arrange a mane.” The bookworm replied. Thank you dictionary. “I’m not a-” Moving on. *** -picked up her hairbrush. “How?” Twilight asked. How what!? “How did I pick up the hairbrush? Was with my magic? My hooves? My mouth?” Listen you- “Twilight there’s no reason to be so precise.” Rainbow Dash said. “Of course there is. The attention is in the details.” But if there’s too many details, you lose the story Twilight. “If there’s too few details, you will lose the audience.” She rebutted. “The way you want him to write the audience won’t care,” Rainbow Dash told Twilight, “They’ll be asleep.” “And the way you want him to write will make it seem amateurish.” “I’ve read some books Twilight. I know from what I’ve read it’ll be fine.” “You’ve read some books? What, Daring Do? I have read more books than you can hope to in your entire life! I live in a library for Celestia’s sake! And you are trying to lecture me on how to write?” Uh, girls- “Are you calling me stupid?” “No, I’m just saying you are in a race you can’t win, Rainbow. There is no way in all of Equestria you have a chance of beating me at reading, let alone come close to catching up.” “A race I can’t win! Me! The amazing and awesome Rainbow Dash! The fastest flyer in all of Equestria! As if you’d ever have a chance of beating me in a race!” “I already did! Or did you forget? I still have the medal if it will jog your memory.” Girls- “That doesn’t count! You had a handicap because my wings were tied behind my back and I had to keep AJ from winning!” “Keep AJ from winning!? You mean cheat so that you would win instead of her? Just so that you could rub it in her face that you were better?” “It wasn’t cheating!” “IT WASN’T CHEATING!? What in Equestria do you call it then!?” “I call it…opposition…distraction? Yeah, opposition distraction to win.” Oh why me. Why, why me. “Want some popcorn distraught-loud-voice-in-my-head?” Pinkie Pie asked cheerfully. Popcorn? Where’d you get popcorn? “From my mane.” Why do you have popcorn in your mane? “Because my tail is full of chips, duh. You should know this.” Of course. How silly of me. “A spy! Why in Equestria would you think I’m a spy!?” Pinkie, how do you get it to stay put in your mane? “I don’t know inquisitive-distraught-loud-voice-in-my-head.” You don’t know? “A turtle suits me just fine!” “How do we ponies pick up objects with our hooves? How do pegasususes touch clouds? How do Celestia and Luna control the Sun and Moon if their locations in the sky are based off the rotation of the planet?” “How could I know my future self didn’t come to warn me of a disaster!?” Uh…Magnets? “Magnets?” “I am not lazy! I’m a selective participator!” Alright, I don’t think there is a way to scientifically explain them. “Exactly. Which leaves the obvious explanations, Plot Convenience and Creative Leeway.” What? “That’s it!” Rainbow Dash yelled. *** “Hurr duurr,” Twilight Sparkle said, “I’m a stupid alicorn! Look at my big horn and wings! Aren’t I special! I spend all my time reading and learning spells I’ll never have to use! Hurr de durrrrrrrr!” “Oh no she didn’t!” “Two can play at that game Rainbow!” Twilight yelled back. *** Just then Rainbow Dash crashed through the roof of the library. Again. “Oh, I’m so sorry Princess Twilight Sparkle, former student of Princess Celestia, our ruler, and highly honoured graduate of Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns for crashing through your roof. Again. I am just a lazy pegasus who doesn’t know better.” The rainbow-maned mare said, bowing before the Princess. Hey! This is not the way the story goes! You can’t just- *** The awesomely cool pegasus stood up from the floor. “I’m sorry your oh-so-highness. I was busy doing my job critical to the survival of the land and didn’t see where I was going.” The princess took a step closer to the commonpony. “Not seeing where you were going, that could explain why you crash land so often. Or, maybe it’s your big head throwing off your aerodynamics.” “It may explain why I crash land so often,” The totally radical pegasus responded as she took a step towards the pompous princess, “But what’s your excuse? The Egghead’s Guide to Flying checked out of the library you live in?” “Actually, I think it’s the training you gave me paying off. You know, for the wings I got after I transformed from being the most powerful unicorn in Equestria to the third most powerful alicorn in existence.” The admirable alicorn said as she took another step towards the brash crasher. “And what, exactly, are you a princess of, princess?” The amazingly awesome flyer asked as she stepped closer to the disinteresting alicorn. “The sun? No. The moon? No. Oh wait, I know. The Ponyville Library.” “Can you guys keep it down?” Twilight Sparkle’s amazing number one assistant Spike asked form where he was sleeping as the two mares stared each other down. He had done a lot of work the previous day, and wanted to use all the little time he had to sleep. Wait, what? Where’d- *** “You heard my dragon assistant I hatched myself using my powerful magic, Rainbow Crash.” The incredibly powerful Twilight said to the featherbrained buffoon Rainbow. “It is impolite to yell in a library filled with words you can’t understand, after all.” “Darling’s, please!” The stunningly beautiful and incredibly talented Rarity asked as she swept into the room, an amazing dress draped across her gorgeous body, “Can’t we all just get along?” How did- *** “Listen to the amazingly overwhelmingly beautiful lady, guys.” Spike said as he kissed her perfect hoof, “She is absolutely right after all, being completely perfect as she is.” The perfect white unicorn stepped past the little assistant and up to her two feuding best friends. “I know we can work this out, we just need to try.” “Please, I-I really don’t like to see you fight like this.” What’s that say, I- *** “I’m sorry, being the stupid alicorn I am, I apologise to my kind hardworking friend.” “You have nothing to apologise for oh incredibly intelligent princess. It was me, the lazy dolt, who should apologize.” “Some of us actually have to work, princess.” “Maybe you should join them, you’d learn something.” This was supposed to be a love story! *** “Maybe we should just let them work out their relationship issues by themselves, guys.” Pinkie Pie said from where she was sitting eating her popcorn. “We doNOThaverelationshipissues!”Theycalmlyinformed theinsanemare. “Doesn’t sound that way to me.” Stop arguing! *** “Well, well, well,” the all-powerful draconequus spirit of chaos said from beside Fluttershy, “Looks like they’re experiencing some…discord.” “Please don’t ever do that joke again.” Guys, stop! *** “WE THINK IT IS TIME WE INTERVENE, BEFORE OUR SISTER ARRIVES TO CLAIM THE CREDIT.” The mare of the moon said using herearshatteringly loudRoyal Canterlot Voice to be heard clearly throughout the really small room. When did the room get so crowded? *** “I am right next to you, dear sister.” The princess of the sun said from beside her extremely loud little sister. “And why would you think I’d claim the credit?” “Claim the credit. Doesn’t that sound familiar, Twilight? How much of my work do you claim as your own when you write to the princess, hmmm?” STOP THIS FIGHTING NOW! *** “I would never need to, Rainbow. I do a lot of work myself, completely without your help. You, on the other hand…” GUYS! STOP! *** “I do a lot of hard work! And I practice my flight skills!” SERIOUSLY, GUYS, STOP! *** “Then how come whenever I see you, you’re napping or goofing off!” PLEASE STOP! *** “How come whenever I see you you’re checking off lists and reading your books!” Rainbow Dash said, pressing her forehead against Twilight's. GUYS! *** “Maybe because that’s my job!” Twilight responded, pushing back against Rainbow. “Featherbrain!” STOP! *** “Egghead!” Angry magenta eyes locked with equally as angry purple ones and the two ponies tried to glare each other down. Neither would give. And then they kissed. … … … … … … I win. … Ha. *** And then they- “Yuck!” Rainbow yelled as she spun away from Twilight. “I can’t believe you kissed me!” Twilight yelled at Rainbow Dash. “You kissed me!” “Did not!” “Did too!” “Wasn’t that sweet?” Pinkie Pie asked the two mares. They both glared daggers at her. Well it looks like I got the ending I wanted, even if the story was wrong. “I can’t believe you thought we’d ever go together.” Rainbow Dash yelled. I don’t know, it still seems like it could work- “As if!” “Let’s never speak of this again.” “Agreed.” … “Pinkie.” “What?” “Do you promise not to speak of this again?” “Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye. Cause if you mess with Pinkie Pie, you better kiss your flank goodbye.” I don’t remember that last part. “Good. Let’s get out of here.” Maybe now I’ll actually get a story done. “What do you mean finally-successful-inquisitive-distraught-loud-voice-in-my-head?” Pinkie asked “I think this one is good.” But I didn’t write most of it. “Of course you did, silly. Who else could have?” You and Rainbow and Twilight and the others, that’s who. “We couldn’t have written that,” She said with a giggle “We’re just figments of someone’s imagination on paper. We can’t control what’s written about us.” But… “Now hurry up and end this, Twilight and Dashie have already left.” How should I- “Oh, we forgot the theme song!” Author's Note Yes, it's been a year since I wrote the first chapter. But slow and steady makes a good final product. And it's not because I couldn't think of anything.
Gummy's Turn To Shine“Hey, loud-voice-in-my-head!” Pinkie Pie called out. … “Loud-voice-in-my-head!” Pinkie yelled. … “I know you can hear me!” No I can’t. “There you are loud-voice-in-my-head!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “I need you to do something for me.” You want a favor? Pinkie nodded. You want a favor, from me? “Yep.” Pinkie Pie, I wasn’t even writing a story this time. You just appeared out of nowhere. “Now that’s just nonsense.” No, Pinkie- “I, being a fictional character, must be written by someone at some point in order to do anything. If you do not intend for this to go anywhere, why are you writing this in the first place? And does that mean that all that writing below us is actually nonsense meant to make this seem like an actual story?” Pinkie Pie… “The way you write these you’re forcing the reader out of their suspension of disbelief, or in other words, their desire to perceive fiction as fact by constantly having me remind them it’s a fictional story just when they can get comfortable. Kinda like constantly blowing an air horn in somepony’s ear just as they’re about to fall asleep.” Pinkie…stop… “And that leads me to how I know there’ll be a story. Because this conversation is written in the present tense it appears to be happening as we speak, when in actuality it was all recorded in the past. The reader sees this in the future and perceives it as currently happening, when in actuality every event was already predetermined. So although they may not have read the entire story yet, they do know there will be a story eventually. And since I know this and every word I say is written by you, you know just as well as I do where this is going.” Fine! Alright! I’ll write your story! Just stop talking! “Great! But it’s not really me who wants you to write a story.” Alright then, who? “Gummy does!” She said cheerfully. Gummy…your mute pet alligator… “Yep!” … No. “What?” I said no. “But why?” How the heck am I supposed to write love stories about him? “Just like always. Lots of description, some cliché romantic setting or story and a load of nonsense.” … I won’t do it. “Well then we have the same problem as before. The story seems to be stuck again. But there are words after this, right? So that means we are going to eventually make a story at some point, right? I’m sure some of you reading this just checked. And now those that didn’t are feeling doubtful, hmm? They really want to, but they’re afraid to follow my instructions. But I control their minds. They are reading this in my voice. Their tongue can’t find a comfortable place in their mouth. They have an itch somewhere they now need to scratch. They have now entered manual blinking and breathing mode. I bet they had to read this twice.” ALRIGHT! I’ll do it! Just stop! “Great!” Pinkie cheered. Yeah, great. … “Gummy says that he’s appreciative that you would consider writing this for him.” It’s no problem, not like I had any other plans. … “Gummy says he has several candidates he would like to choose from. He would like you to write a scene for each of them so Gummy can choose the best one.” Sure, whatever he wants. … “Gummy says the first pony he’s thinking of is Big Mac.” Big Mac? Really? “But Gummy isn’t into stallions, so he would appreciate it if you would write Big Mac as a mare.” … He…what? “Gummy wants-” I heard what you said, it’s just…screw it, fine. Any other conditions? … “Gummy says no.” Alright then. Let’s see what I’ve got. *** Big Macintosh sat at the edge of the cliffside, watching as the sun set behind the distant mountains. It was mid-autumn and all the trees were painted in bright yellows, oranges and reds. The Running of the Leaves would be soon, so this was probably her last chance to see the trees in their autumn colors before they were shaken off. Big Mac and her very special somepony had decided to go on a weekend camping trip up the mountains to enjoy the beauty of nature one last time before the winter weather began. They had borrowed a map from Twilight Sparkle and hiked up to the top of the mountain where she now sat, enjoying the sunset with her very special somepony. The trip hadn’t been nearly as long or difficult as Twilight had made it out to be. Big Mac turned and looked at her very special somepony seated next to her. He was staring at the sunset with his stunning purple eyes, probably entranced by its beauty. No one had ever expected the two of them to get together, back before they were dating. It had come as quite a shock to their friends and family when they told them. Big Mac had to admit she was a bit surprised herself. It may have been the species difference, or maybe the fact that he didn’t talk that made Big Mac not take notice of Gummy at first. She still wasn’t quite sure why she had fallen in love with Gummy. Maybe it was his looks. Maybe it was how quiet they both were. Maybe it was fate. Whatever the reason, she knew in her heart it was right. As she looked back out at the setting sun she let out a content sigh. Love was all that mattered in the end. I can’t believe that actually worked. … “Gummy says he really liked it.” Pinkie said, wiping a tear from her eye. “I really did too.” Uh, thanks. … “Gummy says he thinks that Big Mac will be the one.” Ok, good. Then I suppose we can end this right here. I’ll- “Wait! Gummy still wants to hear what you’d write for the others.” He does? “Yep!” … I guess if I said no you’d just babel until I wrote it anyways. So, who’s next? … “Gummy says that the Doctor is next.” Doctor Whooves? “Yep, and he’d also like the Doctor written as a mare.” … Of course he would. “You can do that, can’t you?” Of course I can… *** “Doctor!” Derpy yelled, “Grab on to my hooves! I’ll pull you in!” “I kind of need them to run at the moment Derpy!” The Doctor yelled back. She was currently running from a herd of cyberponies that Derpy had accidentally alerted to their presence. She and her companions had gotten separated during their attempt to escape capture. They had made it to the tardis and returned to rescue her. Now the tardis was flying slightly ahead and above of her with Derpy hanging out the door trying to rescue the Doctor, her hooves dangling just out of the Doctor’s reach. “Fly her a little lower, Derpy!” “Fly her lower Gummy!” Derpy yelled back into the tardis. “Gummy’s flying the tardis!?” “Yeah, why?” “How does he… never mind, I’ll find out later!” The tardis dropped lower until it was almost skimming the ground. “Jump Doctor!” Derpy yelled, her arms stretched out to catch the Doctor. So she did. And at that moment, Gummy hit the brakes. Instead of catching Derpy’s waiting hooves, she crashed full-speed into Derpy as she flew though the now stationary doorway. “The Doctor…is in.” With the Doctor now safely aboard the tardis Gummy instructed the ship to take them away from the planet, full speed. “Good work Gummy!” The Doctor said as she picked herself up off of a dazed Derpy. She turned to the control panel where the small alligator sat staring at her. “I couldn’t have flown a better rescue myself!” She walked up to where her rescuer was sitting. “I could almost kiss you!” His purple eyes stared into hers. “Oh, why not.” She bent down and kissed the top of his head. “Thank you both!” The doctor said happily. “Since when can the Doctor fly?” Derpy moaned. … “Gummy finds it far-fetched.” What part? The Doctor being a mare? Him flying the tardis? … “No, he just doesn’t think Derpy Hooves could be the Doctor’s assistant.” … Right. That’s defiantly the far-fetched part. … “Gummy says that this is an interesting idea. He’ll consider this one.” Great. Who’s next? … “You.” … What? … “Gummy says you, loud-voice-in-my-head.” … I…I…what? How…what? “Gummy say that he’d like to see what it would be like to date you next.” How the heck am I supposed to write that!? “I don’t know. You’re the author, you figure it out.” You’re a big help Pinkie. “You’re welcome incapable-loud-voice-in-my-head!” Pinkie said with a smile. … “Oh! Oh! Gummy has an idea!” Great. What is it? “Gummy thinks you should use your OC.” Tie Hunter? “Sure. Why not?” ‘Cause it seems kind of amateurish. Also I’d have to introduce him. “Her.” What? Tie Hunter’s a guy. “Not for long she won’t be.” I don’t get it. “It’ll come to you incapable-and-slow-loud-voice-in-my-head.” … Oh no. “So you remembered Gummy only dates mares?” I am not changing Tie Hunter’s gender just so your pet alligator can go on a pretend date! “Please?” No! Why am I even arguing over this? I don’t want to and I’m not going to date Gummy! “You say that, but everypony already knows it’s a foregone conclusion that you’ll end up writing this. Otherwise it would have never have been brought up.” No. That’s it. I’m done. Goodbye. … … … … “We’re still here.” Pinkie Pie said in a sing-song voice. … “But of course we are, the story isn’t over yet.” She continued. … “You can sulk all you want later. The quicker you write this, the sooner it’ll be over with.” … *** NO. THE END. “Fine, I guess I'll just have to do it myself.” Pinkie said with a smile. What? *** There was a knock at Tie Huntress’s door- Tie Huntress!? *** -just as she finished getting ready for her big date. She was wearing a stunning short white dress made by Rarity, so of course she looked amazing. Who doesn’t look amazing in Rarity’s outfits? She can make anyone look amazing. Pinkie- *** Anyways, Huntress finally went to answer her door. Took her long enough. Opening the door, she was presented with the sight of her tall and handsome date, Gummy. Tall? He probably doesn’t even reach her- *** “Hello, my dear.” He said in his deep, masculine voice. Gummy can’t talk! And why on earth would his voice- *** Gummy’s voice was ten times manlier than the manliest voice you could think of. Actually, maybe eleven times manlier. Or twelve. Now you’re just being ridiculous. *** He was wearing a handsome tuxedo tailor-made for him by Rarity. It amplified his natural handsomeness, making unprepared mares swoon at the sight of him. Huntress’s beauty was nothing compared to her date’s handsomeness, like comparing the light of a candle to the sun. Don’t hold back, Pinkie. Tell us what you really think. *** Gummy produced a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers. “For you my dear.” He said as he handed her the gifts. Aw, how sweet! ‘Produced’? Produced from where? *** “We must be going my dear, our dinner reservations are for six-thirty, and we can’t be tardy.” Tardy, ha. Such a funny word. Like kumquat, or gesundheit. Anyways, the couple walked hoof-in-foot- I don’t think that would- *** -to Sugar Cube Corner. I should’ve seen that coming. *** Upon their arrival they were greeted by Pinkie Pie, who was something of a local celebrity. She was well known and loved amongst the community and famous for her amazing parties. She was also a holder of an Element of Harmony, Laughter to be precise. It was probably the most important one of them all. Without her help, all of Equestria may have fallen numerous times over. Feeling a bit narcissistic today, are we? *** “Welcome lady and gentleman,” Pinkie said cheerfully. Of course she said it cheerfully, she is always happy after all. And also funny. “Right this way.” She led the amazingly amazing Gummy and his slightly-above-average date to their table. ‘Slightly-above-average’? Is that all I am now? *** “We will have the spaghetti,” the gentlemanly Gummy told their waiter. Sugar Cube Corner serves spaghetti? Since when? *** “I have it right here sir.” Their stupendous waiter told him, putting a big plate of spaghetti on the table. She had known what to make ahead of time because her right hindleg had felt wibbly. You have a Pinkie sense for that specific- *** “Shall we eat, my dear?” Gummy asked Tie Huntress. She nodded, and so they did. Do you plan on giving her a single line to-? *** As they both ate, they realized one long strand of spaghetti was connecting both of their mouths. As if no one saw that coming. *** Their eyes locked and Tie Huntress blushed. Uh, Pinkie- *** Gummy began to eat down the strand- That’s good enough Pinkie! *** -and their lips came closer and closer. REALLY PINKIE PIE YOU CAN STOP NOW! *** Tie Huntress closed her eyes and- PINKIE PIE THIS IS MORE THAN ADEQUATE YOU CAN STOP WRITING NOW I THINK ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE GETS THE POINT! … “Alright, I suppose so.” Whew. … “Gummy says he thinks I may have overexaggerated you a bit.” She said helpfully. ME? But…you…whatever. … “Gummy says he’s not too sure about that one, but he’ll keep it in mind.” I’m just bursting with excitement. “Are you ready to write the next one, or will I have to again?” Pinkie asked. Considering what a wreck the last one was, I’ll write all of them from now on. “Alright then overly-voluminous-unappreciative-interruptive-incapable-and-slow-voice-in-my-head.” … “Gummy says the next pony he’d like you to write is Rarity.” … Rarity? Of all ponies, he thinks he has a chance with Rarity!? Who’s next, Celestia? “What’s the problem overly-voluminous-unappreciative-interruptive-incapable-and-slow-inconsiderate-voice-in-my-head?” I could never see anything, anything, developing between the two of them. He is most defiantly not Rarity’s type. “Why does that matter? This is only a fiction after all.” … I guess you’re right Pinkie. When have I ever let anything like that stop me before? *** The feather duster flew around the room, stopping just long enough to perform its task before heading somewhere else. It reminded Rarity of a hyperactive humming bird. She magically whisked it anywhere she believed dust could have settled since the last time she had cleaned. With a thought she moved it across the mantel, effortlessly sending it sweeping through and over the pictures sitting there. The one of her and Sweetie Belle at the Sisterhooves Social, the one of her and the girls at The Grand Galloping Gala, and of course the one of her wedding day. Rarity could still remember that day like it was yesterday. Months of planning had come to fruition that day as Princess Celestia herself wed Rarity and her beloved together in the palace’s chapel. Rarity still couldn’t believe Twilight had set it all up for her. ‘Just one of the perks of being good friends with royalty.’ She thought cheerfully. She heard the door open and close behind her. She turned around to see her husband, Gummy, standing there. She smiled and said- “That is the most absurdly ludicrous thing I have ever read!” … I didn’t know you felt that way too, Pinkie. “I didn’t say that.” “I did!” Rarity yelled. “You there! Voice!” Uh, yes? “You will address me as ma’am, understood?” Yes, ma’am. “If I ever catch you doing something like this about me again, I will find out where you are. I will find a way to get there. Then I will make your life a living hell. Am I understood?” Yes, sir! I mean, ma’am! Understood, ma’am! It won’t happen again, ma’am! “Good. Now,” Rarity gave Pinkie an icy glare, “If I ever suspect you’re even thinking about pulling something like this again, I will…” She whispered something in Pinkie’s ear. “No! You wouldn’t dare!” Pinkie yelled in horror. “Try me!” Rarity said with a smile. … “Alright Rarity, I promise I won’t ever do anything like this ever again.” “Pinkie promise!” “Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye. ‘Cause if I mess with Rarity, she will shave my mane on me!” “Good, have fun!” Rarity said as she walked away. … … … Does Rarity have some sort of sixth sense for when illogical stuff happens? “Don’t be silly overly-voluminous-scolded-unappreciative-interruptive-incapable-and-slow-inconsiderate-voice-in-my-head, only Twilight has that.” She does? “Of course. She always tells me she gets headaches when I’m around, especially when I do things she doesn’t understand.” I think everyone gets headaches when you’re around Pinkie Pie. … “Gummy says that if Rarity doesn’t want you to write about her we can move on to the last pony on his list.” Who’s that? … “Princess Celestia.” Of course it is. I’m not even going to bother being surprised anymore. … “Gummy says that he has a special request for her piece also.” He does? What is it? … “Gummy says he’d like you to write him as the alicorn and her as the alligator.” … … Wh-What? H-he wants what? “Gummy says he wants you to write him as an alicorn prince and Celestia as an alligator.” … Don’t you think that kind of stretches the borders of the vaguely possible Pinkie!? “This whole story does that.” Pinkie Pie said, “Are you telling me you want to get into a debate of logistics now, overly-voluminous-scolded-unfortunately-unappreciative-and-interruptive-unimaginative-incapable-and-slow-inconsiderate-voice-in-my-head?” No! No I don’t! “Because-” Let’s get this story started! *** Celestia the alligator watched as the sun set from atop the head of her coltfriend, Gummy the alicorn, on the balcony of the royal palace in Canterlot. She marveled at its beauty and simplicity, and pondered how Gummy managed to do it. Move the sun. A giant ball of flaming gas with a diameter of over a million kilometers that was over a hundred million kilometers away. “It must take a lot of magic to do that.” Celestia said, “Right, Gummy?” He didn’t respond. Then again, he never did respond. She couldn’t remember him ever speaking. That was her Gummy, always playing the strong, silent type. But she knew better. He was really a big softy at heart. Which reminded her that she’d been called here by him for a surprise. “What did you want to show me, my dear?” She asked her prince. Gummy flared his wings and, without a word of warning, took off from the balcony. Celestia clung to his horn as they gained altitude. A pair of pegasi with music-related cutie marks flew up behind them and, as if on some cue Celestia couldn’t see, began to sing a romantic duet. Celestia looked out at the scenery and her breath caught in her throat. They were so high up! Large, fluffy clouds stained orange by the dying rays of the sun flew by them. She looked down at the small trees and houses dotting the landscape far beneath them. Small clusters of buildings that were towns dotted the landscape, connected by lines that represented roads and train tracks. Farmer’s fields turned the ground into something resembling a patchwork quilt. Small dots that were probably ponies heading home for the night moved about. Celestia gasped at the beauty of it all. She’d never known what it was like to fly, being an alligator. But she had always wondered what it was like to look down upon the world from above. She wondered how Gummy had known. ‘He must have sensed it.’ She thought happily. Considering how in love they were, it was as if they shared one mind sometimes. ‘He’s trying to tell me he loves me!’ She kissed the top of his head. “I love you too.” She whispered. Celestia the alligator watched happily as her coltfriend, Gummy the alicorn, flew them off into the horizon, trailed by the two singing pegasi. “What in the name of Celestia is going on here!?” Twilight yelled. “Hey Twilight!” Pinkie said happily. “Don’t ‘hey’ me, Pinkie.” Twilight said crossly. What are you doing here Twilight? “I spontaneously got a super-migraine and knew Pinkie had to be doing something so absurd, so crazy that…well, that I could feel it at a distance.” She said, rubbing her head. What’s a super-migraine? “Obviously it’s a migraine wearing a cape, overly-voluminous-scolded-unfortunately-unappreciative-and-interruptive-unimaginative-incapable-and-slow-inconsiderate-voice-in-my-head.” “You,” Twilight said, grabbing Pinkie’s tail with her magic, “You’re coming with me.” “But-” “No buts!” “Twilight-” “Don’t ‘Twilight’ me, Pinkie. You’re leaving, now.” Twilight said, dragging Pinkie Pie off. “But…But…But…” Pinkie Pie said, her voice trailing off into the distance. … Well, I guess that’s that. Finally. Silence. … … Wait a minute, I just took orders on how to write my stories from a crazy, fictional, pink party pony’s mute, toothless pet alligator. … I am so done with this. Author's Note I'm going to take a break for a while. I'll see you all in therapy. Disclaimer: The author will not be held responsible for any mind control, mental damage and/or localized fourth wall breaches caused by the reading of this story. If you experience side effects lasting for more than thirty days, consult your doctor about joining a mental institution. Battery's not included. Some assembly required. Offer not available in-stores. Read at your own risk.
