Godslayer

by Vengeful Spirit

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Comedy, Random
Length: 7499

After literal millenia of the same monotonous cycle, Celestia wants to retire from life. Unfortunately for her, dying as an alicorn isn't as easy as one might think.

After literal millenia of the same monotonous cycle, Celestia wants to retire from life. Unfortunately for her, dying as an alicorn isn't as easy as one might think.

Warning: This story contains morbid humor. If you find anything offensive in movies such as The Addams Family, you probably won't enjoy reading this.

Rated Teen for language, implied comic violence, and thematic elements.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-11 05:10:02 UTC

Godslayer

Godslayer

Dear Princess Twilight,

Please kill me.

Yes, you read that right. I'm sorry, but please hear me out. Have you ever eaten a really tasty type of food and wanted nothing more than to eat it again and again until you're sick? Have you ever eaten so much of it that the once delicious taste of it becomes a pit in your stomach? I'm sure you have at some point; I know you lost your taste for daisy and daffodil sandwiches not that long ago.

My point is that I've seen everything, done everything. I've tried being a trickster and a saint, and at the end of the day everything is the same. I just can't keep doing this, Twilight. My life is overplayed and I can't even seem to find a way to kill myself.

I'm sure you're starting to put together the pieces in your head right around now. I've always prided you in your ability to read between the lines, and I'm sure you've already drawn a fairly accurate conclusion. The answer is yes, the whole reason I trained you to be a princess is so that you could one day take my spot.

Now don't think that this means I don't love you. Far from it, in fact. Out of all of the ponies I've seen over the last few centuries, none of them have spiced up my life quite like you. You're one in a million, Twilight, and don't you ever forget that.

Still, one in a million when there are half a billion ponies in the world and thousands of years of time behind me means that you're not the only person like you I've ever met. While it's been fun, there's nothing about you, the world, or anything else that feels that original anymore.

If you're wondering about why I'm about to abandon Equestria when I'd just gotten my sister back, don't worry. The whole reason for making both yourself and Cadance alicorns was to fit that niche. I've already talked to my sister, and she intends to follow after me into the nether somewhere around a century from now.

If you can, I'd like to meet up at your earliest convenience. I'm still unsuccessful in finding a way to kill myself, and I kinda need your help.

With love and kisses,

Celestia

Twilight stared at the letter. She read it again, hoping that it might in some way be different than the first thirty seven times she'd read it. A quick glance at the calendar reminded her that April Fools was still eight months away. She took a few more looks at before finally coming to the best conclusion her exceptional mind could muster:

"What the fuck?"

"Ahem!"

Twilight blushed. "I'm sorry, Spike. I'm just not used to seeing something this...absurd."

"It's perfectly fine, Twilight. It's not like it's the first time you reacted poorly to a missive from your mentor."

"Not, it's not like that at all!" Twilight shook her head, her unbrushed mane flinging to and fro. "She's never sent me anything like this! Ever!"

"You really should calm down," Spike said over a cup of coffee. "I know Princess Celestia can sometimes send you really odd messages, but I've never seen anything as crazy as you play it off to be."

"She asked me to kill her."

"Oh, you're just making that up." Spike laughed. "Why would she ever send you something like that?"

"It's right here in text, Spike!"

"Really? Let me read it then."

The young drake reached over for the paper, taking it in his pudgy little hands and looking it over with his draconic eyes.

"What the fuck?!"

"Spike!"

"Sorry, Twilight, but this is absurd!"

"See, what did I tell you?"

Spike rubbed his chin in thought. "You're right, Twilight. Something needs to be done about this before she really hurts herself."

"Exactly!"

"I'm afraid if we don't stop this soon, she might just turn into the frontmare for a gothic metal band that crossdresses as the other gender in order to look cool. She might even try and be philosophical about it, all without realizing that nobody gives a flying feather about her ridiculous ideals!"

"You're absolutely-- Say what?!"

The train tore down the tracks to Canterlot, a determined mare stare standing up in the driver's compartment, yelling at the conductor to shovel more coal in. There was nothing, absolutely nothing that would stop Twilight from being a good friend and saving her mentor!

"Faster!" she shouted at the head conductor. "Do you call yourselves the pride of the Equestrian Express?! My mentor is in mortal danger and you can't seem to shovel any more coal than my grandmother on a rocker!"

"But isn't your grandmother a master of telekinetic strength and prowess?"

"Yeah, I read about her in the paper the other day. They say she could lift nearly two tons!"

"That's not the point!" Twilight said, getting up in the conductor's face. "My good friend and your reigning monarch Princess Celestia is in danger. It is my duty as her super faithful friendship student to make sure that she remains well. Am I understood?!"

"Y-yes, mistress!"

"Thank you! Now get back to shoveling!"

"I can't lift anymore!" the conductor said, dropping his shovel. "I'm exhausted!"

"Arg! Do I have to do everything myself?!"

The Ponville Express was practically a pile of molten slag by the time it reached the Canterlot Metro Station. With quite a bit of magical interference, Twilight was able to slow the heap of glowing steel down enough that it didn't just barrel through the civilians and bystanders that watched in awe as what was left of the train ground to a halt.

"Well that went well!" Twilight said, hopping off the 'engine'. She carefully extricated each of Spike's claws from her head and sat him on her back, completely ignoring the somehow windswept appearance of his spines.

"T-twilight..."

"Yes, Spike?"

"Never do that again."

Twilight rolled her eyes. "It got us here quickly enough, didn't it?"

"You made sonic rainbooms down the train tracks!"

"Which just means that we got here a little faster!"

Spike groaned. "If you wanted to get here any faster, why didn't you just teleport us?"

"Because..." Twilight scratched her head for a moment. She looked over her shoulder at the terrified passengers and demolished train. She then looked back at the castle and sighed. "You're right, that was uncalled for."

"I hope the National Treasury isn't too upset about it."

"I hope you're right, Spike."

The two friends set off at a brisk pace, passing through the streets of Canterlot in a bit of a blur. Twilight finally reached the front gate to the keep when a pair of guards stopped her.

"Halt!" one said.

"The Princess isn't seeing anypony right now except her faithful student. No solicitors!"

Twilight facehoofed. "But I am her faithful student."

One of the guards' faces scrunched up as he inspected her. He took a few moments to look her over, inspecting her with a critical eye.

"I don't know, Bob, she looks pretty close to me."

"Don't be a doofus, George. She's obviously not the young princess."

"How do you mean?" George asked.

"Well," Bob replied. "She has the horn of a unicorn."

"Yes, I've noticed."

"And the wings of a pegasus."

"That's pretty obvious."

"And she's really tall like an earth pony."

"Yeah, she kinda does have that stature."

"She also has a lavender coat."

"Yup."

"And purple eyes."

"I think I noticed that."

"Well then!" Bob said cheerfully. "There you have it, she's not the princess!"

Twilight groaned.

"I thought that was the description of the friendship princess?" George inquired.

"No, my friend. That's where you'd be wrong!" Bob wrapped his hooves around his partner to talk to him conspiratorially. "You see, Princess Twilight is a purple alicorn with magenta eyes. This pony is just a weird conglomeration of genetic coding that looks like a mix of three pony races, has a lavender coat, and purple eyes."

"Oh, I get it now." George smiled. "Bob, what would I do without you?"

"Be stupid?" Bob smirked.

"You've got to be kidding me," Twilight said, groaning. "Lavender is a shade of purple and I'm an alicorn. How do you guys not get this?"

Bob looked at her more closely. "No, you're not an alicorn. They shoot lasers out their eyes, at least from what I've heard. You just look like a mix of pony breeds." He wrapped a hoof around Twilight's withers, smiling at her. "You don't have to be ashamed about it, Lass. Being a mixed breed doesn't make you any less of a pony."

"Well, my grandmother on my mom's side is a pegasus, and I know I have some earth pony blood somewhere in my-- Hey, wait!"

"See, there you have it! There's nothing wrong with you, Lass," George says. "Also, you need to leave the castle grounds. We're not taking visitors right now."

"But I'm--"

"No buts!" Bob said, gently pushing Twilight towards the main gate. "No visitors, no salesmares, no solicitors, no cousins, no in-laws, and especially no Bluebloods! Princess's orders!"

Twilight found herself shoved out of the castle, the gate slammed shut behind her, and the bar lock put into place for good measure.

"You have got to be kidding me."

"Why are we doing this, Twilight?" Spike asked, trying to get rid of the horrible wedgie the latex catsuit was giving him.

"Since we're not officially allowed on the castle grounds, I figured we take the more stealthy approach to things." Twilight nearly squealed. "It's just like old times! Now shh!"

The two sneaked past the guards, doing their best to remain as inconspicuous as possible.

"Hey Bob, did you hear the main gate open?"

"Nah, it just sounded like a typical teleportation spell warping through non-dimensional space. I'm sure nopony opened the gate."

"Why are you always so brilliant, Bob?"

"I don't know; sometimes I surprise myself."

Twilight kept out of sight, moving through the hallways with hardly a sound. She knew the palace grounds like the back of her hoof and in no time made her way up to her mentor's room.

"Princess?" Twilight asked, knocking softly.

"Enter," came a muffled reply through the doorway.

Twilight gulped before pushing the door open. She looked around the room, notice how perfectly messy it was, and the fact that her mentor was currently hanging from a noose.

"Princess!" she shouted, rushing forward to cut the rope with a quick flick of a magical blade. Celestia dropped into her hooves, and Twilight looked her over for any signs of harm.

"I'm sorry, Twilight!" Celestia coughed up a little blood. "I just couldn't get it right. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to pull it off."

"Princess, you shouldn't be trying to kill yourself. It's so out of character for you!" Twilight took her into a hug. "No matter what you're feeling, no matter how bad it hurts, you've got to talk to one of us!"

It was then that Princess Celestia, reigning sovereign, champion of a hundred battles, and official badass of Equestria wept in Twilight's arms. "I'm so sorry," she said, clinging desperately to her apprentice.

Twilight sipped her tea, not losing eye contact with her mentor for even a moment. For her part, Princess Celestia tried to smile. It looked about as believable as an elephant trying to be a kitten.

"So," Twilight started. "Care to explain?"

"I'd rather not," Celestia said, trying hard not to feel ashamed of herself. "But I know that there's no getting around it now."

"Indeed."

"Well, where to start?"

"How about from 'I've been suicidal for decades? I figure that's a good place."

Celestia sighed. She knew this was long in coming. "Okay, I think my letter explained a bit of it, but in case you didn't realize, I'm really, really bored right now."

"So? We all get bored sometimes."

"No, you don't understand!" Celestia groaned. "I'm really, really, really, really bored right now!"

"Your point being?"

"Have you ever done the same thing so many times that it makes you tired of doing it, even if it was fun when you started?"

Twilight thought back to the last eight thousand books she'd read, all similar in story and scope, with little originality left to be had.

"Nope, I don't understand at all."

The groaning intensified.

"Alright, well eventually the novelty of things wears off. For some, this doesn't matter. For most, it's poison. Soon the very thing you loved turns into just another task, another chore to be completed in the daily grind in life. Eventually it gets so routine that you start to hate it."

Twilight mused. "I think I see where you're coming from, even if I haven't reached that point yet. I used to really like a certain kind of sandwich and a specific flavor of tea, but after having the two together every day for almost three years running, I grew sick of it all. Is that what you're talking about?"

"Well, I kinda used that analogy in my letter, so yeah, it's what I'm talking about."

"Well then, what of it?"

Celestia took another sip from her tea. It was alright. "Think of it this way, Twilight. I've been a princess for running on two millenia. I've been alive for running on six. I've had literal eons to study, practice, experience, and explore every facet of life. There is literally nothing new under the sun for me, and I just can't seem to find a release for it."

"So that's it?" Twilight asked. "You're throwing in the hat at the first sign of boredom?"

"Twilight, I've been bored to tears for more than half my life. I've put this off endlessly, always thinking I can go another day and plodding along regardless." Celestia met her student's eyes. "Normal ponies die, Twilight. Sooner or later, something gets them. Even then, the elders among ponykind begin to grow tired of life in their closing days. They're ready to go when they die."

The white alicorn stood up, trotting to the other side of the room. "Look at me, Twilight? I've lived a hundred lifetimes. I've fought wars, committed nearly every crime in the book, destroyed nations, birthed children, and started religions. I've saved and destroyed civilization a dozen times over!" The reigning monarch drew closer to her apprentice. "Take one good look at me, Twilight. Take one long, hard fucking look at me. What do you see?"

"A super depressed mare that needs to smoke a joint and get laid."

"I'm serious, Twilight!"

"So am I." Twilight stood up, getting closer to her mentor. "I'm not above those things. Everypony needs release sooner or later."

"I've done those things, though! Taking another puff or another roll in the hay doesn't interest me anymore."

"Well then," Twilight said, a small frown on her face. "I guess I'll help you out."

"Twilight, you don't understand just how-- Wait, what?"

"I said I'd help."

"But you're entirely against this!"

"You're right, I am." Twilight sat back down, taking the tea cup in her grip and letting the soft aroma waft under her nose. "In fact, I hate the idea."

"Then why are you going to help me?"

"Because, Celestia, I know that there's no arguing with you anymore. It's pretty clear that I'm not going to get through to you, and I'd rather you don't botch this up and end up being an equine vegetable." Twilight took another sip. "So I have one question for you, my dear princess and good friend."

"Yes, Twilight?"

"When do we start?"

Twilight rushed through the long isles of the local hardware store. As much as she hated to admit it, the idea of finding efficient ways to kill her mentor had a small appeal to it.

"Something's wrong with me," she muttered as she reached for an acetylene blow torch.

"What was that?" Spike asked, perched on her back.

"Nothing, Spike." Twilight reached over for a long length of chain. "Do you think I should buy this chromed or not?"

"Considering what you're using it for--"

"You're right! Celestia deserves nothing less than the best materials!"

"Is that chain even on the checklist?" Spike asked. "I don't see 'chain choking' anywhere on the list."

"Just put it next to 'chainsaw chopping' and 'running with scissors.'"

"I figured it'd be closer to 'drowning in concrete' since it's classified as 'asphyxiation.'"

"A good point, Spike," Twilight amended. "Thanks for pointing that out."

"Any time, Twilight." The young drake leaned back. "Anytime."

"Are you sure about this?" Celestia asked as her student slipped a thick, steel chain around her neck.

"Of course!" Twilight answered, cinching the noose so tightly that it almost dug into Celestia's pale, white fur. "I know how strong alicorn durability is said to be, but even you can't deny that placing the stress of your entire body mass at terminal velocity on one fixed point on your spinal column should snap your neck for a quick, clean death."

"How morbidly fascinating."

"I know, isn't it just?"

"If you don't mind, is there any reason you're trying to strangle me with a chain instead of the traditional rope?"

"Celestia, you're about to fall more than eight hundred feet. I doubt there's a rope in the world that wouldn't snap from the momentum." Twilight pushed her friend closer to the edge. "Stop being such a baby."

"I'm not a ba-WOAH!!"

"Bye!" Twilight shouted after her mentor. She waited patiently before the chain snapped taught. Celestia had finally arrived at her destination.

"Are you dead yet?" she shouted over the edge.

"Ow."

"Guess not," Twilight said, marking off the first item on her checklist. "Let's see what we have next..."

"How is this supposed to kill me?" Celestia asked. "I don't feel anything."

"Within moments, your mind numbs to the pain and agony that should be coursing through your body and soul right now. Instead, you just feel a small amount of annoyance and shame."

"Definitely feeling the shame part," Celestia said. "You're right, this is horrible and I don't know why I don't feel worse about it."

"It has that effect on you."

The two of them sat in silence among the thousands of prepubescent fillies as they cheered for the most annoying colt-band Twilight could think of.

"Thanks for bringing us, Twilight!" Sweetie Belle shouted over the din of annoying pop tunes and autotuned voices.

"Yeah, you're really generous!" Apple Bloom agreed.

"Oh my gosh, he's so cute!"

"You know what this means?"

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADER COLT BAND GROUPIES, YAY!!"

"Well that could've gone better." Twilight groaned.

"I think it might be working, Twilight," Celestia said, looking pensive. "I certainly feel a piece of myself dying inside."

"Just tell me when you're ready," Twilight said, gently tugging on the string to make sure it was ready.

"I'm not so sure about this," Celestia responded, looking up at the stacks of horseshoes the teetered precariously over her. "How is this supposed to kill me? I've already tried falling from eight thousand feet, so I doubt the impact will do it."

"I don't intend for blunt force trauma to kill you," Twilight corrected. "I figured that enough horseshoes would manage to kill you through asphyxiation."

"Wait, so you want me to drown in them?"

"That's the plan."

"Why?"

"I don't know, really. I think somepony mentioned it to me once and the idea stuck."

"Do you know if it will work?"

"Well, it's certainly worth a shot."

"Let's just get this over with."

"This might sting a little," Twilight said, lowering the blast mask so her retinas wouldn't burn out.

"I'm not so sure about this, Twilight."

"Come now, what's the worst that can happen?"

"It stings a lot and gets nothing done?"

"Exactly."

"I'm still not so sure about this."

"I'm not going to waste five hundred bits on an acetylene blowtorch if I don't even get to use it, Celestia," Twilight said in a huff. "We're running out of ideas here!"

"Or you're just very unoriginal."

"Between the hundreds of attempts you've made before I even got here and the close to two hundred unique ways we've tried it, I'm fairly sure that I'm being anything but unoriginal." Twilight tried not to rub her temples. "We've tried everything from broken skiis to sugar bombs and have managed to hit duds every time so far."

Celestia smiled. "I especially liked the volcano."

"Yeah, but the fact that you're a sun goddess and immune to heat means that..." Twilight glanced down at her blow torch. "Damnit."

The doors to Celestia's bedchambers decided to open at that very moment. "Princess Celestia, I know that you have other matters to attend to, but--"

"Dios mio, Bob!"

"Oh my gosh! We have an intruder!"

Twilight watched as the two guards from earlier turned tail and ran. It took her a moment to realize that she had Celestia strapped to her bed with a blow torch in hand.

"Double damnit."

"So what now?" Celestia inquired. Twilight ignored her, deciding instead to chuck another pebble across the expanse of Everfree Lake. She counted forty two distinct bounces before it finally crashed into a tree at the other side.

"I don't know, Celestia," Twilight said, picking up another stone. "I'm honestly at the end of my rope as it is. To put it bluntly, I'm out of ideas."

"Do you know anypony else that might know how to help?"

"You mean that might come up with something more lethal than what I've already devised?"

Celestia nodded.

"Then no. My friends aren't quite morbid enough to study something as left field as suicide techniques. They come from a small farming village and tend to be a bit more down to earth with that kind of thing."

"How would you know?"

"Well, everypony wants to die at some point or other. Who do you think they go to to express their concerns?"

"And you still don't understand why I want to?"

"Nope. I didn't understand why they would, either."

"You're a horrible consultant."

Twilight smirked before launching the next pebble. "You're probably right, actually. I do think that they'd have decided to live whether or not I talked to them. To be entirely honest, they came to me so that I could convince them to live a little longer. It probably wouldn't have mattered if it was me or their long lost cousin Benny as long as someone did the convincing."

The chunk of rock flopped this time.

"Truth be told, you're the only case of anypony who I've talked to that came to me wanting to die. The rest wanted not to, wanted to be saved from themselves. Everypony but you." Twilight sighed, sitting down with her mentor. "Have you still not changed your mind?"

"No," Celestia said, leaning in to her friend. "I really wish I could. I've tried desperately to find a way to live my life in a new and exciting way, but nothing rings a bell. I just want to rest in peace, Twilight. Normal ponies don't live this long. Normal ponies get to see a beginning and an end. Not me."

"I hope I never come to share that sentiment. I'm a long way from boredom anyways."

"Immortality is a very long time, Twilight."

"I suppose."

There was a sort of logic to Celestia's reasoning. As much as Twilight hated to admit it, there was, and it left her mind with one question: Would she ever become like that?

Sunset Shimmer loved Sunday afternoons. As much as she enjoyed spending time with her friends at school, there was always a small measure of joy whenever she got the opportunity to just cut loose and have some fun.

Twilight Sparkle wasn't a big fan of Sundays. Everypony had plans for their weekends and she tended to get invited to a lot of them. It was sometimes hard to decide who to turn down visiting when she just wanted to see them all.

Of course, both of their opinions didn't really matter while they were seated at a Black Angus in the middle of the human world. Sunset Shimmer already seemed to have found something she liked on the menu, but Twilight was still struggling to find anything to eat that she hadn't previously talked to in the pony world.

"So what brings you here, Twilight?" Sunset asked, taking another sip from her soda. "You look like you're lost."

"Hmm?" Twilight asked, looking up from the Equestrian obituary the waiter had handed her. "Oh, I'm sorry, Sunset. I've just been so out of it these last few days."

"I can relate," the fiery woman said with a chuckle. "We all get that way sometimes."

"I know, but this is a bit different."

"Oh?"

Twilight reached into her bag and pulled out the same said letter that had started the whole mess. She handed it to Sunset and watched the other woman's reaction.

"What the fuck?!" Sunset nearly shouted.

"That's what I said!"

"Why would she send something like this?!" Sunset's face turned livid. "Why the hell would she spring this on you of all people? She should've been seeking counseling!"

"She said she'd only trusted one counselor with this fact, and he just fed her a ton of platitudes in the hopes of getting her to calm down."

"So what? Find another counselor! That's what healthy, sane ponies do when they're getting strange urges like that!"

"And what if that doesn't work?"

"Then you get off of the strong anti-depressants they're giving you since the formula isn't geared towards your particular biology." Sunset sighed. "Twilight, what did you do to help her when you found out?"

"I helped her."

"What?"

"She was going to do it anyways, so I thought I might as well make it clean and painless."

Twilight felt a sharp sting of her friend's slap. It took her a moment to realize what happened before blushing.

"I'm sorry."

"Just don't do anything like that again, okay?"

"Yeah."

"Am I interrupting anything?" the waiter asked. The two women looked up at him and blushed.

"No, you're fine. We're just...talking. I'll have a number five and a garden salad."

"How would you like your steak?"

Sunset put a finger on her chin as she thought for a moment. "Make it a medium rare."

"And you, miss?"

Twilight stared at the menu. She sighed before speaking up. "I'd like a bite of Mootilda, and please make it rare."

"Come again?"

"Just give me what she has."

The two of them sat in an awkward silence. Sunset brushed a lock of red hair out of her face before deciding to speak up.

"You know, there's still a solution you haven't thought of yet."

Twilight perked up in new-found interest. "I'm all ears, Sunset."

"How'd it go?" Spike asked as Twilight came back through the mirror.

"Surprisingly well, actually." The princess shook off the post-travel sickness as she trotted over to her assistant. "I can't believe that I didn't think of it before now." She chuckled. "It figures that Sunset would be able to deduce what I couldn't from the very beginning."

"So do you have a plan?"

"Yes, Spike, I think I do." Twilight smiled. "Just don't tell Celestia what it is until we're ready."

"Can I look now?" Princess Celestia asked, still blindfolded.

"It's a surprise, silly," Twilight said, leading her friend down the steps towards the portal. "I think you should see this for yourself."

"Twilight, I don't get why...we...should..." Celestia's breath caught.

"Hello, Princess Celestia," Sunset said, trying her best to keep her courage up.

"Sunset?"

"In the flesh," she said, rubbing the back of her head with a hoof. "Twilight came to me for help and I think we've come up with a solution."

Twilight stood next to sunset, resting a supportive wing on her shoulder. "What she's trying to say is that we've come up with an alternative. Something that, if we pull it off, might just give you the solution you wanted in way that's less...grisly."

Celestia stood dumbfounded. "You're talking about the mirror, aren't you?"

"Yes," the two mares said in unison.

"But I already know that there's another version of me on the other side. How am I supposed to live in a world where all of my actions become my counterpart's responsibility?"

"You're not," Sunset said, looking her former mentor up and down. "At least, not as you are."

"Go on."

"Well, we realized that both Sunset and I are fairly powerful magi on our own. Both of us have written a variety of spells in the past, and we know that between us we have a rather healthy mana pool at our disposal," Twilight said. "You've already shown me that your magic can be transferred from one pony to another, and I'm already aware of how to move celestial bodies thanks to my time dealing with Tirek."

"I was also studying transmutation and alteration magic when I left for the human world," Sunset added. "I knew most of the steps from the beginning."

"I think I understand what you're getting at," Celestia said, looking between her apprentices. "But how does that solve my problem?"

"There's no such thing as an immortal in the human world, Celestia," Sunset said. "If you hand Twilight your alicorn powers to reduce your resilience and we pool our magic together, we can make you mortal."

"And rather than killing you when it happens, you can just come over to the human world in a body almost unrecognizable from your counterpart."

"That way you can live a normal, mortal life in a new world with new sights to see and eventually get laid to rest like everyone else."

"So what do you think?"

Celestia stood still for a moment before breaking into tears. She pulled her two students into a tight hug and kissed them each on the head.

"Thank you."

The portal shimmered, and Twilight watched as her friends disappeared. She'd never felt such relief in her entire life. Just like that, all of the stress and pressure were washed away as the best solution to a tragic problem were resolved. She didn't even need the blowtorch after all.

"Spike?" she said, looking over at her assistant. "I think it's time we head ho--"

"STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM!!"

"Yeah, what Bob said!"

The guard puffed out his chest. "I've always wanted to say that, George!"

The two stallions parted ways as a steady stream of soldiers flooded the room. They all leveled their spears at the princess, ready to jump on her in a single command.

"So you're the mare that's been masquerading as my sister," Shining Armor said, stepping forward. "That's a very serious crime, though it pales in comparison to what you did to the Princess."

"Shining, it's me!"

"Hardly," her brother said, stepping forward with a scowl on his face. "I know my sister and I know for a fact that she'd never put a blowtorch to anypony's face, let alone her mentor's." He closed the distance to Twilight, staring down at her menacingly. "I fell for Changeling trickery once, I won't do it again. Guards! Seize her!"

"With pleasure, boss!" Bob said before throwing a potato sack over Twilight's head. She had just enough time to register the sharp pain in the back of her head before everything went black.

The cell was six paces long and three wide. Twilight had the last two weeks to memorize every detail of that cell. She knew where each crack and divot was, where every nook and cranny could be used by the tiny insects that populated her bedsheets to hide during the day.

"I hope you're alright, Spike," she commented to nopony in particular. Solitary confinement was agonizing enough, but adding to that the weight of not knowing if what amounted to her younger brother was even alive left her plenty to worry over.

The door's locks turned, and Twilight watched as it swung open. What stared back at her was the living incarnation of sunburn.

"What happened to you?"

"Shut up!" the stallion shouted. It took Twilight a moment to realize she was talking to George. "Ever since you killed Princess Celestia, the sun's been up in that blasted sky! Everything out there is getting toasted!"

Twilight realized that she hadn't even bothered to lower the sun since being put into prison. The fact that she was about three miles underground and immune to the sun's radiation probably helped.

"I might want to take care of that," she commented before lighting her horn up. "Just one moment."

She groped for the sun's form, wrapping her celestial magic around its expanse before lowering it into its proper place. Noticing that the moon was still locked on the other side of the planet, she decided to pull it out as well.

"There, that should take care of it!" Twilight said. "I do have to ask, why didn't you just go to Luna? She's about as powerful as her sister."

"We tried that already," George said with a huff "All we found in her room was a bunch of dark matter and crazy mazes that went nowhere."

"Really?"

"And a dragon."

"I see."

It took George a moment to remember why he was there in the first place. "Oh yeah, I'm supposed to lead you up for your execution. I hope you've made peace with whatever your kind prays to."

"Science."

"Yeah, that."

"Hurry and bring her up, George!" said a shout that distinctly sounded like Bob came from the hallway. "The execution is in only a few hours and I haven't even had time to make the popcorn!"

"Sorry!" the stallion said, turning to Twilight. "I hope you'll come along nicely, Miss Not-Twilight. We've even made a special kind of rope just for you."

"Oh thanks, I really appreciate having custom nooses made for me!" Twilight said sarcastically.

"You're welcome!"

The trip up from the Canterlot Prison was a long one. Every step felt like a mile to Twilight as she awaited her punishment. The doors opened and moonlight flooded the prison. The air felt crisp, almost hot, even after having a little time to cool down. The young princess neither noticed nor cared.

"I'm scared," she said.

"You should be," Shining replied, stepping out of the shadows. "This will be a momentous occasion for you."

"Shining, please."

"Don't call me that."

"Shining."

"Stop it."

Twilight was led to a small cart, shoved in, and hauled off through the streets of lower Canterlot. She watched as the streets passed by and grimaced. Every turn of the wheel was torment to her as she sat waiting, and yet she relished every moment. The world looked so much more beautiful when you're about to lose it...

"Halt."

The carriage came to a stop in front of a large platform and the door opened.

"Step outside, please," Shining said.

"Alright."

Twilight followed his lead, and watched as everypony in the crowd stared at her. She tried not to meet their eyes. The crowd's attitude made her feel somehow guilty, even knowing that she wasn't failed to stop that. A part of her felt that she deserved what was coming.

That was when the fireworks started.

"Come one, come all, to watch the Great and Powerful Trixie lop off the she-devil's head!"

A quiet voice muttered something.

"Sorry, change of plans! Watch in awe as the Great and Powerful Trixie strangles a Changeling!"

The crowd cheered, and procession stands with tons of popcorn and soda opened up. Twilight watched dumbfounded as everypony flocked to the stands to buy their snacks.

"What's going on?"

"The first live execution in nearly four centuries," Shining said. "You've earned it."

Twilight was so shocked that she didn't even try to resist as she was lead up the steps to the scaffold. She saw a mare dressed in black step forward and slip a noose around her neck.

"Hmm, it's a bit loose," the hooded figure commented. "Trixie, darling, do you have another size?"

"The Great and Powerful Executioner will help!" Trixie commented before lowering her mask back over her face. "Trixie is great at finding a good bargain for particular neck sizes!"

She stepped up to Twilight, trying a couple different ropes before shaking her head.

"None of these will do. They have to snap her neck, not choke her!"

"That's why ah tied them like that," another masked figure commented. "Ah know how to tie a good noose, but this here mare don't deserve nothin' better."

"But hearing her neck snap would be awesome!" a fourth figure said, doing a quick flip before settling back down.

"Oh, but that's a bit, um, gruesome? Eep!"

"Now don't you go worryin' none, Sugarcube. Either way, this impostor will be dead soon enough."

Another hooded figure stepped up to Twilight, running her hoof along her wither's comfortingly. "Don't take it personal. We just don't like it when ponies murder our friends. I'll still throw a deathday party for you after!"

Twilight rolled her eyes as a party popper was shoved into her mouth.

"For the road!" the executioner said before stepping back.

Shining trotted up to a podium and tapped the mic. "Is this on?" he asked the nearest executioner. At a slight nod, he addressed the crowd. "Good evening, ladies and gentlecolts! It's my pleasure to present to you the first execution in nearly four centuries! With the death of our reigning princess and the disappearance of my dear sister Twilight, I present to you the death of our impostor!"

"But I'm Twilight!" Twilight shouted. "You all know me! I've been among you for decades!"

Everypony in the crowd paused, taking a moment to think for themselves before doing something so rash as killing somepony, especially somepony as nice as Twilight Sparkle.

"No you're not," Shining said. "You're a good changeling, I'll give you that, but you've really mixed her up in a few major ways."

"How can you...you know what? Fine. If you think I'm not Twilight, prove it and I won't even struggle when you kill me."

Shining smirked. "Some changeling you are," he commented before turning to the crowd. "What color is Twilight Sparkle?"

"Purple!"

"What color is this mare?"

"Lavender!"

"What color are Twilight's eyes?"

"Magenta!"

"What color are this mare's eyes?"

"Purple!"

"What race of pony is Twilight Sparkle?"

"An Alicorn!"

"What race is this mare?"

"A weird conglomeration of genetic coding that looks like a mix of three pony races!"

Twilight watched in horror as everypony in the crowd managed to state that entire sentence without anypony slipping up. Shining turned to smirk at her. "You see?" he said. "You couldn't be my sister."

She sighed. "Just get this over with."

"You heard the mare! Let's get this over with!" Shining shouted. "On the count of three!" Everypony in the crowd was practically buzzing with anticipation. The Great and Powerful executioner rested a hoof on the trapdoor's lever. "One!" Somewhere in the masses, a baby was born. They named him Jesus. "Two!" The cosmic stars aligned themselves, creating a portal into the netherworld. "Three!" The trapdoor opened, letting Twilight fall through with the noose tightly around her neck.

The audience heard something snap.

"Consarnit!" one of the hooded figures shouted in frustration, reaching under her hood to pull out a stetson hat before throwing it on the ground. "Ah was very careful in how I tied that rope!"

"Aw, yeah!" another executioner cheered. "Music to my ears!"

"Woohoo!"

That's when Twilight climbed back out from under the stage, the noose end of the rope still tied around her neck. She glared at the frayed end where it'd snapped.

"How in the hay did mah good rope snap?!"

"Darling, look at her pudge. You picked too thin a rope."

"I'm not fat!" Twilight snarled. "I'm just big boned!"

"Well what have we here?" Shining said into the mic. "It looks like the first time didn't work." He looked back at the execution squad. "You have any thicker rope?"

"This should do!" the party executioner said, handing him a long length of chain from somewhere in the expanses of her cloak. "I always keep one around for execution emergencies!"

Five minutes and a bit of drama later, and Twilight found herself standing over the same trapdoor with the same setup as before.

"On the count of three!" Shining shouted. "One! Two! Thr--"

"WAIT!!"

Everypony turned to watch as Sunset Shimmer, Spike, and some random mare with a light pink coat rushed up to the scaffolding. "She's innocent!"

"Who are you?" Shining asked.

"I'm Princess Celestia!" the pink one said. "This is all just a misunderstanding. She was acting on my orders!"

Shining Armor laughed before turning to the crowd. "Do any of you believe that this is Princess Celestia?"

"No!" the collectively shouted.

"There you have it! You're not Princess Celestia." He trotted forward, looking the young-seeming mare. "You are, however, an impostor and an accomplice in the murder of our glorious leader. Hang them with the rest!"

Five more minutes and a bit more drama later, and Twilight found herself standing next to her friends with a collective set of chain nooses around their necks.

"This isn't good," Twilight said. "I'm immortal, so they can hang me all day and nothing will happen. You guys, though..."

"It's alright, Twilight," Sunset said with a smile. "At least we'll go together."

"Is everypony ready for a quadruple hanging?!" Shining practically screamed into the mic. Twilight might've been seeing things, but she was sure she saw a small bit of spittle fly out of his mouth. "On the count of three!"

Everypony held their breath.

"One!"

"Two!"

"Thr--"

"WAIT!!"

"Oh what is it this time?!" Shining shouted in annoyance. "Whoever it is, do you want to be up there with the rest of them?"

"Dost thou threaten me?" Luna asked, trotting forward menacingly. "Thou hast no right! Be fortunate that We are merciful and won't hang you in their stead!"

"P-princess Luna!" Shining shouted, bowing prostrate before the monarch.

"The same," she responded, trotting over to the hanging captives. "In case you didn't notice, you have my friends and my sister ready to be hanged." She took one appraising look at the chains before turning them into a pile of ash.

"Your sister?"

"Yes, the little pink mare you have standing in the middle. She gave up her powers to your sister in order to live a normal life. The side effects make her seem a bit...younger."

"And the others?"

"Your sister, if that wasn't already obvious, the drake she raised, and my sister's former apprentice." Luna turned to look at him. "You're the captain of the guard, are you not? How did something like this slip your attention?"

"I, um..."

"Don't bother US with a response. Thou art clearly an imbecile and We have no further interest in listening to thee."

"But how do I know you're not being tricked?"

"Read this, you miserable excuse of a stallion." Luna sneered, handing him a familiar letter. She watched as he read it over. His face fell as he looked over every line before settling on the obvious signature at the bottom.

"What the fuck?!"

"Indeed." Luna turned to the crowd. "My sister is reaching a point in her life where it's time to move on. She's been so concerned with all of your well-being that she's put this off longer than she should. Twilight Sparkle and Princess Cadence were ascended to be our replacements, and I intend to follow my sister over to the other side soon enough."

Everypony stood quietly for a moment, processing what they just heard. They looked around among one another and finally back up to the stage.

"Well this sucks!"

"Yeah, I'm going home."

"I'm going to miss you, Celestia," Luna said as she gave her sister a hug.

"You can always come and visit if you'd like," Celestia said, returning the favor. She snuggled up to her sister, holding her tightly for the last time in the pony world. "We don't have to say goodbye forever like this."

Luna smiled. "That'd be nice."

Twilight hung back, watching as her longtime mentor and now friend turned to walk back through the portal. She knew that leading the ponies would be a bit difficult, especially if they couldn't understand the difference between a color and a shade, but she'd make do.

"I'll see you around, Celestia," she said.

"Of course, Princess." Celestia giggled at that. She was just about to enter the portal when she spoke up.

"One more thing."

"Yes, Celestia?"

"Stop calling me Celestia."

"Then what do I call you?"

Celestia smiled.

"Call me Sunny."

The End.