Fall of the Rightful King

Chapter Twenty-Five

Alan

The computer beeped to let me know it'd just finished another analysis. The idea of putting together the email address with my followers' names was a good one, but it looked like they'd created an email address as a throwaway to let us know. Damn. Next thing we'd thought of was to see if they'd accidentally mentioned anything that could help us know where they lived. They claimed to have connections to the Canadian government, but Canada was a big place, and hell, they didn't have to live there.

It was Erin who had the latest idea. She remembered hearing that the way that someone wrote was unique to that person, and you could match it to them. So I grabbed a piece of software I thought I'd never use again and started scanning for phrases and word choice.

This took a fucking long time. I was on my fifth coffee and both Erin and Brittney had fallen asleep. I took a look at the clock. It was 3 am.

Damn. Maybe it'd be best just to go to bed. But before I did that, I wanted a look at what we figured out.

The other scans had found 99% match with two thirds of the commenters, 12% match with two of them, and 1% match with anyone respectively. The program was a little fucktard apparently. I got talking with some followers who used it and they gave me some tips on how to use it. Not that I told them what I was using it for - I told them I was trying to see if the reptile posing as Richard Nixon had been in hibernation and had resurfaced as George Bush. Apparently they'd already checked that and it wasn’t the case, but they gave me some tips anyway.

This time the program had a 95% match for one commenter and no more than a 40% match for anyone else. Ah hah, jackpot. I'd started to wonder if the guy who sent me the information had spent all his time listening to the podcast and just lurking around instead of commenting like a normal fucking person.

Now that I had his IP address, I could get all kinds of information about him, but that wasn't legal and it wasn't something I was able to do by myself. So I got in touch with a guy I knew, paid him a few hundred, and he said he'd let me know in a few hours. Fucking finally, I could sleep.

I turned the computer off, turned off the lights, and opened the door, all with magic. I started trotting to the bathroom. I was getting really fucking precise with magic shit and even these hooves weren't as clumsy as they seemed. It got me thinking about Paper Back. You know, she was probably the reason this wasn't as hard for me to learn as it was for other ponies. People, damn it. That shit happened sometimes. I did think it was kind of funny she was starting to swear like me, though.

I really didn't want to fucking lose her. She was getting stronger since the mind control shit Alexander pulled, but I was worried that he'd try that again and knock her back to square zero. I couldn't let that happen. I mean, don't get me wrong, I wanted out of her body and out of her head, but in a way that left us both in our own bodies.

Ah shit. My damn brain had pictured both of us as ponies when I thought that. You know what, whatever, that's the kind of shit I was used to, now. But did I have to be a mare in my own fucking head?

I dunno, that part wasn't bugging me so much either. Kind of a fucking problem. Or maybe not.

I didn't have any fucking clue. I'd overheard Brittney and Erin talking, and they'd said "she" when they talked about me. I kept listening, it was me, not Paper Back. Like, right when I first changed, that would have pissed me right the hell off. I was a fucking guy, not some chick. But it was getting easier for me to start thinking of myself as a mare. A girl. Fuck it, it didn't matter. It probably wasn't healthy for me to go through this kind of mental change in a few fucking days. But it probably wasn't healthy for me to have lady bits and a fucking tail either.

Pretty much the only thing that scared me more than getting stuck this way was losing either Nick or Paper Back. I mean, fucking hell, it wasn’t enough that Derek caught Nick. Ale-fucking-xander needed to be casting those fucking spells that were killing Paper Back. I mean God damn, man. First you take my balls. Then you take my hands. Now you’re taking my friends.

Fucking Alexander. He deserved to be taken down.

So next morning, my guy had pulled through. I had everything on the fucker who got me the information. I told Erin/Brittney about it over breakfast.

"So, this genius," I said, putting a hoof on my chest, "got all the info on the guy we think knows where Nick is," I said.

Sooo humble, Paper Back said.

Shh, you.

"We know where he is?" Erin asked, her eyes getting huge.

"So you knew I tried to compare his email address to the commenter's names, and then-"

"Alan! Do we know where he is?" Erin interrupted.

"Uh... yeah. I know where the fucker lives, his name, his phone number, fuck, I know what his favorite food is. He can't stop posting it all over facebook."

"Where is he? When can we go?" Erin said. Damn, hold on. Let's get the guy first.

"He's like two hours drive from here," I said. "Works in security and-"

Erin was already getting off her chair. "Well, come on, let's go!" she said.

"Erin, Alan and I were going to go alone," Paper Back said. "It's dan-"

Erin ran right up to us and jabbed a hoof in our chest, emphasizing every point she made. "He is my boyfriend. He's the man I love. He stuck with me through all this pony shit and hasn't stopped trying to help me. If you won't help me find him, I'll find a way to get there myself. Do you understand me?"

We'd backed up and had one front hoof up in front of our chest. God damn.

"Ok, then," I said. "Yeah, if he doesn't want to talk, you can scare it out of him."

We gave him a call before leaving.

“Hey, Ricky?” I asked. “It’s Alan. How’s it going, Spookbuster?”

“Alan?” he said in a squeaky voice. “Oh God, why are you calling? You can’t call!”

“Oh?” I asked.

“No, no, if Derek finds out I talked to you, he’ll kill me!” He hung up. I put the phone down and smiled.

“We got our guy,” I said.

Dude lived in a nice-ish house near a close city. Driving was a bit scary, but we sat on books, used magic on the pedals, and hooves worked for the steering wheel. Turned out the source (Ricky) was a gryphon who was a bit paranoid. He didn't seem the type to be dangerous face-to-face, though, and Brittney was way stronger than any of us, so we brought her and Erin.

We knocked and he slammed the door as soon as he opened it.

"Hey Ricky!" I yelled in a sing-song voice. "We just want to talk. Open up!" I couldn't go for intimidating with this fucking girl voice, but I could go for crazy.

Are you calling me crazy?

Hey, all I'm saying is the gryphon's not pissing his pants because of your face. Not just because of your face.

I could see her fake-shocked expression.

Oh, you're paying for that.

Ok, let's quit goofing around and find out what he knows, I said.

"Go away!" Ricky answered. His voice was shaky and it cracked.

"We just want to talk," I said. "You don't know anything about Derek, do you?"

"Go away!" he yelled again. His fucking voice was even higher. "He-he'll kill me if I talk to you!"

"Hey, Britt? Think you could kick open the door?"

"Hay yeah!" she said.

Hay yeah? I asked.

We don’t really say that, Paper Back said. I really need to sit down with her and teach her how to talk.

Brittney jumped forward, bucked the door, and it broke open with a crack. I heard scuffling upstairs. We walked in and trotted up the stairs. There were pictures on the wall, mostly him and what were probably his siblings.

Can I be honest? Paper Back said. I still can't get over how weird you humans look.

Hey, I'm just as much a pony as you are, I said, and your hooves didn't get you computers.

No, you're not! she said, laughing. Oh, hold on, I think he's in here.

She slipped into control again and we stepped into a bedroom. We didn't see anyone right away so we started looking in closets and under the bed.

It hadn't been easy for Paper Back to always be in control, so I'd been taking charge most of the time. She was getting stronger and could hold on for longer than before, but it still worried me.

Hey, I'm fine.

I know, I said.

She made an exasperated sigh. You got quiet, which you only do when you're thinking about something you don't want me to hear. And I can feel that you're worried.

Nah, it's nothing, I lied. I had to find a way to save her before it was too late. Fucking magic thought this was my body, I guess, so Alexander's bitch spells were throwing her out. Fuck that. I'd get her into her own body.

I pushed on the next door, but it didn't move. Ricky was holding it shut from the other side.

"Ricky, come on, man, we just want to talk!" I said.

"Get out of here!" He yelled. He'd gotten a bit more confident. "I shouldn't have fucking said anything," he added under his breath.

"Ok, well, we're going to break the door down, and that might hurt if you're on the other side when it happens," I said. I nodded at Brittney, who looked hesitant.

"Um, please get out of the way!" she said. "I don't really wanna hurt anypony."

I rolled my eyes. "Very intimidating, Britt."

Ricky didn't answer. Brittney turned around and lightly bucked the door, which for her just meant denting the door and leaving a fucking hoof print in it. After a second, she bucked hard and the door flew open. Paper Back jumped us in, horn already glowing and magic wrapping around our legs.

Ricky had curled himself against the far wall, but then he stood up and flared his wings.

"Get out of here!" he said. "I'm not telling you anything!"

So... shit. I said. Do we actually have to follow through and hurt him?

I really don't want to, Paper Back said. Let's try and scare him if we can.

I heard careful steps behind me and wings fluttering. I looked back and saw Erin walking in behind us.

"Is he in here?" she asked.

"Yeah," I said, and pushed her head a little so she was facing him. "Right there, like eight feet in front of you."

She nodded and gracefully walked forward. Almost dainty.

"Uh, Erin," I said, and reached out a hoof for her.

"Don't," she said, and slapped my hoof away with a wing. Damn. Didn't know she was that good with her wings yet.

"The fuck do you want?" Ricky said. He took a step forward.

"My life is basically over," Erin said, halting him in his tracks. Her voice was quiet but it had an eerie tone to it. Everyone got quiet. She kept stepping forward, slowly putting one hoof right in front of the other.

"Except for the man I love. His name's Nick. I love him more than anything else in the world. He stuck with me through this horse thing, and he's not even changed. But Derek has him."

Ricky had backed himself against the wall, his hind legs and tail dragging. Erin's voice made all my fur stand up on end. It was just so menacing, even though it was so soft. Ricky's beak open and closed, but he didn't say anything.

"So I've lost my body and my eyes. My family thinks this is a punishment from God and won't help me. And now the man I love is missing. Derek has him and you're protecting him, which means I have to go through you to get to him."

She stepped on his tail. She pulled her hoof back and looked at it curiously. Then she fucking stomped down, jumped forward, and kicked him in the chest with her front legs.

"Tell me where he is or I'll fucking kill you!" she said, yelling each word right into Ricky's face.

"Ok, ok!" he yelled. "I'll tell you! Just get off of me!"

Erin growled. Paper Back grabbed her with magic and gently pulled her back. Erin made a show of struggling and turned around in a huff. She balanced herself with her wings and walked back towards us, grinning.

"Did it work?" she whispered.

"Holy fuck," I said. "I mean, you fucking understand?" I said, looking at Ricky. "She's a psycho."

Ricky didn't even wait for me to finish talking. "I'm with the Order, but I joined Derek when he split. He's got a place where he keeps important things. It's the only place I can think of that he'd take Nick. He's so fucking paranoid that he won't put him anywhere he doesn't control. I found out because his computer security fucking sucked and then he made me fix it. Oh God please don't hurt me!"

"Keep talking," I said.

"He'll be gone soon. You have to go there like right now."

"I think you just want us out of here," I said. I let my horn glow without actually casting a spell.

"No! No! I swear on my fucking life. There's something he's getting and it's in fucking Antarctica so it's going to take him a while to get there and back. It's super important and he's already left. You have to go now."

I looked at him, then back at Erin and Brittney.

"Better hope you're telling the truth," I said, looking at him. "We found you once and if you lied, I'll let her do whatever the fuck she wants."

"I swear! I swear! Please don't hurt me! He's already going to come after me when he finds out I told you!"

“Yeah. And when we get in there and get blown away by the armed guards?”

“No! There’s only a few because he has to keep it secret. And no one can use guns! No one’s a good enough shot and they’d be too dangerous.”

"So where is the place?" I asked.

We cleared out, leaving a terrified griffon behind. As soon as we got back into the car, Erin let out a huge breath.

"Was I scary?" she asked.

"Holy fucking shit, Erin," I said, "you almost made Paper Back pee herself."

"Shut up!" Paper Back said, smiling. "Erin, you were amazing. You were so scary. I was scared we'd have to hurt him but you just freaked him out so we wouldn't have to!"

"How the fuck did you do that?" I asked.

She shrugged. "I've had to lie to my family every time I've seen them for years. I mean, like my parents and aunts and uncles. Everyone believes me. Except Brittney," she said, smiling and pulling her sister in for a hug. "She knows when I'm full of shit. So I know how to act like someone else."

"Ok, well, let's head out there," I said, looking at the address we'd written down. "We have to hurry."