A Long Road

by RoyalBardofCanterlot

Rating: everyone
Tags: Sad, Romance
Length: 2781

Shining Armor questions if he's worthy of Cadence

After the Changeling invasion Shining Armor and Cadence head to Dream Valley for their honeymoon. Rather than marital bliss Shining finds himself tormented by doubt and self-loathing.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-06 04:00:01 UTC

Chapter 1

Shining Armor trotted on to the cool grass of the moon-bathed meadow and rested down beneath a spreading oak. Before him was a vast, grassy expanse. He was in Dream Valley where Pony Civilization had its beginning. He and Cadence had come here for their honeymoon. They had come here to consummate their love. He had loved her from the first minute she had shown up to babysit Twilight. After seeing her gentle care of his younger sister he had gone and requested a transfer to serve in her guard squadron. It had been granted. She had cared for his beloved sister, so he would protect her in turn. He tried to convince himself that was all it was. An act of gratitude. Yet, every night the pink-maned alicorn haunted his dreams.

He recalled the day their relationship changed. It was on a diplomatic mission to Griffonia where the presence of the two princesses was required. It was a standard diplomatic mission over tarrifs. Shining wasn’t interested in things like that so he couldn’t quite recall what it was about in specific. While they were walking towards the palace he had seen the silvery arrow coming towards Cadence. He had knocked her down, the arrow piercing his own side. That was when ten Saddle Arabians-with whom Griffonians shared a border to their great dismay-jumped from the tall trees on either side of the road. Many Saddle Arabians were followers of the Mooslim religion and wanted to kill Celestia as a false goddess. They were met with a charge of the Solar Guard. The Saddle Arabians let loose their barrage of arrows, but the Guard raised their shields as one and the arrows bounced off harmlessly. They then charged them, each spear pointed out. The undisciplined assassins scattered. Shining would not have any of the glory for himself as he was lying with his head on Cadence’s chest.

'Shining, Shining please wake up!' She stroked his fur and tried to shake him awake. He fell into unconsciousness. He awoke in a hospital bed with Cadence at his side. Cadence didn’t leave his side in all his time in the hospital. She had spoon-fed him his meals when pain medication made him too weak to do it himself. They had talked, not as princess and guard, but as friends. They had talked about former loves, about their secret fears and hidden hopes. His desire to be captain one day, her desire to have a family. She had brushed his mane simply because she knew he enjoyed it. They had soon become much more than friends. A month after he left the hospital he was once again sent on a mission, this time to secure the Equestrian border from the aggressive Flutter Valley Republic. He had dreamed of her every night he patrolled the border. Apparently, so had she. Every week he received a letter from her.

'I miss you. When will this stupid war end? I long to see your handsome face.'

'You visited my dreams again.'

'Twilight did the cutest thing today, wish you had been here to see it.'

In return he had sent her letters telling her how much he longed to see her again, how he thought of her every night he went to sleep.

The war had only lasted three months and he had come home. At the party celebrating the return of the guard they had gone off together in private. With the silver light of the moon and the stars as their sole witnesses they had kissed for the first time. Every day they spent together they grew more and more in love. It was during a stroll around Canterlot that he finally asked her to spend the rest of her life with him. They had kissed and embraced in wild abandon. After their disaster of a wedding they had needed a break. They had taken a train to Dream Valley. He had gotten her in the hotel room and tossed her on the bed. He was going to ravish her, claim her body and let her claim him.

And he couldn’t.

He winced at the memory of her hoof stroking his mane, her soothing words.

'It’s alright, Shining. Really. We don’t have to do it tonight.'

He stood up and began to run as if to escape the weight of his memories. He ran and he ran through the great meadow. The wind soared through his mane, sweat collected on his coat. He ran, his hooves kicking up dirt and grass. He ran till his lungs ached and begged for air. He ran and leapt upon a hill. He galloped upon the hills, he raced through the moonlight. Finally he collapsed in a tangle of limbs, panting on the grass. He struggled to stand.

'How could you not have known, Shining? You vowed to protect her. You vowed to protect your Nation. You laid in bed with an enemy queen while your beloved was imprisoned.'

“Shut up.” He hissed.

'You’re a disgrace to your office. You’re a disgrace to Equestria.'

“Gods damn it, shut up!”

The berating voice continued, ignoring his pleas.

'Do you know what the worst part is? She didn’t even hold it against you. You’re not worthy of her. You’ve never been worthy of her.'

He broke. He buried his face in the grass and let the tears flow.

'Worthless, worthless gelding.'

He didn’t have the strength to argue with the inner voice. Every word was true. He wept into the grass, not caring about the dirt rubbing into his fur. What made him think he was worthy of a goddess? What dangerous pride, what hubris! Every searing kiss from her was a sacrament that gave divine blessings to his wretched soul. His body was hers as was his soul. To share either with another would be the vilest of blasphemies. And he had committed it. He buried his face into the dirt.

'I don’t deserve her. I never deserved her. She is too beautiful. She is too pure for me to defile.'

“Shiny? What are you doing out here?”

He froze as he heard that sweet, ever-gentle voice. She lightly stroked his mane.

“Shiny? I’m worried about you.”

He lifted his face from the hard earth.

“Cadance? I need to be alone right now.” His voice cracked as he spoke. She sat down beside him and wiped the dirt from his face with a delicate hoof.

“I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what’s wrong.”

He rested his head in the grass. “I just need to be alone.” He said it with a bit more force this time.

“Is this about…you know? Cause I don’t even care about that! I’m not even in heat yet!”

'Dear Gods.'

“Cadence, I know you mean well. But I can’t imagine anything that could make me feel better right now.”

She stroked his mane sending tingles of pleasure through his body while simultaneously making him feel like a colt being comforted by his mother. She moved down caressing his withers.

“When you decide to talk I’ll be right here.”

A freezing wind from the north blew across the valley whipping the grass and their manes in its wake.

“It’s cold. You should go inside.” Shining told her.

“I’m not going anywhere until you talk to me.”

“I’m not worth you getting pneumonia.”

She spread a wing over him in a feathery embrace. He moved away from her.

“I want to feel the cold.” He explained. “It helps me think.”

She returned to stroking his mane. For reasons Shining didn’t understand that was her go to technique whenever she needed to comfort somepony. He’d seen her do it to Twilight, him, even her friends.

“Chrysalis used to do that.” He said, the words leaving his mouth after a general mutiny against his brain.

She paused. “Do you want me to stop?”

“No.”

She continued.

“How did she do it, Cady? How did she get so close to us? How did she know…” Every right place to touch to make me believe everything

she told me.

“Remember that maid, Golden Hoof?”

“Yeah.”

“She was Chrysalis. She observed how we acted. She transformed into you and led me into the catacombs.”

Shining wrapped a hoof around her neck. “I’m sorry-”

“Don’t. You have nothing to be sorry for.”

Silence descended on them. They lay in the grass, his hoof around her and her hoof caressing his shoulders. The cold winds blew from the north, cutting through the grass, but they felt warm in one another’s embrace. She placed her horn to his, the most intimate act possible for two unicorns. He drew away.

“Shining!” She gasped, shocked. “Why would you…please tell me what’s wrong! Do you not like me anymore?”

“I still love you.” Shining assured her.

“Then why? It’s like you’re scared to get too close to me!”

“I told you I wanted to be alone.”

She stood up. “I was alone, Shining. I still don’t know how long it was. Time has no meaning in complete darkness. I thought I’d never see you or Twilight or Aunt Celestia or Aunt Luna ever again. I can tell your hurting and I’m not going to leave you.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you, you stubborn ass!”

“Why do you love me? I’m not worthy of you.”

Cadence knelt at his side. “You are worthy of me, Shining. Why would you think otherwise?”

“Because I failed you. I was planning a wedding with that freak of nature while my beloved was trapped.”

“Shiny, you have to know I don’t hold that against you.”

“I hold it against myself.”

“You were tricked. You didn’t know.”

“I…I’m supposed to protect the ones I love. That’s my talent. That’s the very thing that makes me me. My ability to protect. And I failed at it. How do you fail at the one thing that defines you?”

“Everypony makes mistakes including me.”

“Have you ever made a mistake like this?” Shining asked.

“Actually, yes. Well, not exactly. But I have failed at my special talent. Once…I made a brother and sister fall in love with each other.”

Shining chuckled.

“It wasn’t funny.” Cadence snapped. “They were willing to throw everything away. Their careers, their reputation even their freedom to be with each other. I saw them arguing by a lake. I assumed they were a couple and I cast my love spell on them. I was young and confident in my powers. I only realized my error when I was invited to Day Court by Celestia. They were going to be imprisoned for incest. I interrupted the trial and admitted my mistake. You should have seen the hate in their eyes. Some of the nobles wanted me stripped of my title. I…I wouldn’t have blamed them if they’d gotten their way. I ruined their lives.”

“How did you deal with it?” Shining asked quietly.

“I tried to fix it. I reversed the spell and later I helped them find their true loves. I haven’t heard from them in years, I suppose they’re doing all right.”

“I don’t know how to fix this.”

She nuzzled him. “There’s nothing to fix, nothing’s broken.”

“I’m broken.”

She rested her horn against his. He didn’t move away this time.

“Then, what can I do to fix you?”

“I don’t know. I feel like I’m not worthy of you, like I betrayed you.”

“Shiny, you didn’t betray me.”

“But I did. I was with her, Cadence.”

“Oh.”

“Please don’t hate me.”

She pressed her lips to his ear. “If I got raped would you hate me?”

“What?! No, of course not! What kind of a question is that? If anypony laid a hoof on you the wrong way I would personally execute them! And I’d never blame you!”

“Shining, I think what happened with you isn’t so different. She r-”

“Don’t finish that sentence.” Shining said, drawing back from her.

“Shiny, we have to confront this. You’re scared to even get close to me. This is not healthy. What happened to you by any reasonable definition was rape.”

“I’m a stallion, Cadence. Stallions can’t get raped.”

“That isn’t true.”

“So, what? You think I’m less of a stallion?”

“Shining, I would never think that. What happened wasn’t your fault, please know that.”

Shining was silent for a while. Cadence nuzzled him and he allowed it.

“There’s more. Twilight tried to warn me and I didn’t even listen.”

Cadence leaned against him. “If someone accused me of robbing a bank would you believe them?”

“No.”

“Even if it was true?”

“Cadence, you’d never rob a bank. I know Twilight is a gifted mage. I should have taken her word into account.”

“Don’t you see what Chrysalis did? She took the form of someone you loved because she knew you’d trust me absolutely even over your sister.”

Shining flinched, but he knew it was true. “I’m just….I guess I don’t feel worthy of someone as good as you.”

“Don’t put me on a pedestal. You’ll never reach me that way.” Cadence told him.

“I can’t help it. You’re beautiful and perfect and…pure.”

“Pure? Is that why you won’t touch me? You’re afraid of defiling me?”

“Maybe.” He admitted in a quiet voice.

“That’s not fair. I’m many things, but perfect isn’t one of them. I get cranky in the morning. I’ve snapped at friends unfairly. I already admitted to you the worst thing I’ve ever done and you still think you’re unworthy of me?”

“It’s not you it’s me.” Shining said knowing how clichéd that sounded and not caring.

“What can I do to help you, my love?”

“I don’t know.”

For a while Cadence rested against him. He didn’t move away.

“Cadence? If you want to…we could try again.”

“Are you sure? Don’t do this for me. Not if you don’t want to.”

“No, I’ve wanted to share my body with you for the longest time. I’ve waited so long and so have you.”

“I can wait even longer.”

“Just you being here, resting against me, not giving up on me…it’s made me realize all the reasons I fell in love with you in the first place. And I don’t want to give Chrysalis this victory.”

“How like a soldier.”

“A soldier is what I am.”

“Brave and strong and loyal. It’s why I fell in love with you. But we won’t do anything you don’t want to do and if you say stop we stop.”

He nodded. She began gently suckling his ears. He shivered.

“Good?” She asked.

“Very good. Keep going.”

She continued lavishing his ears with kisses. He wrapped his hooves around her, gently laying her on her back and running kisses down her stomach. She moaned in pleasure and reached up to kiss her stomach. Her wings flared out as a sign of her excitement.

“I love you so much, Cady.” He whispered into her ear, holding her close. She nuzzled into his chest.

“I love you, my brave knight.”

She wrapped her wings around him, held him close in their cocoon. He twitched.

“Shiny?”

“N-no.”

“Not okay?”

“No. She…Gods, I think she might’ve wrapped me in a cocoon to extract my love. There’s a lot I can’t remember.”

She withdrew her wings a bit hesitantly. Wing-hugs were a huge part of how pegasii showed affection. She was with a unicorn though, not a Pegasus. She smiled then wrapped her lips around his horn. He cried out and she withdrew.

“No, don’t stop.”

She licked his horn, drawing her tongue slowly from base to tip.

“You like that?”

“Yes. Very, very, very much.”

He lightly licked her horn and she found out why. Jolts of bliss worked its way from her tail all the way up her spine.

“I…I think I might be able to.” He said.

She lay on her stomach, pushed up her rump and he mounted her. Their love making was gentle and soft, almost hesitant and full of gentle reassurances from Cadence. Once they reached the fulfillment of their desires they lay snuggled against each other in a tangle of limbs.

“I love you so much, Shiny.”

“I love you to, but I’m still not okay. Not really. Don’t get me wrong that was incredible. But…”

“Shiny if a single night of lovemaking could solve all a person’s problems the world would be a better place. But it doesn’t. And there isn’t going to be any easy solutions. It’s going to be a long journey. I’ll be right here with you through it.”

Shiny smiled and rested his head against hers before they fell asleep against each other