I'm Coming Home, Tell the World that I'm Coming Home.
Twilight sighed as the train to Canterlot rocked and rolled, her hair bouncing uncontrollably as the carriage sped across the tracks leading to Canterlot. Spike was at her side, sleeping on the chair adjacent to her, looking peaceful as pie. She smiled as she draped a blanket over him; they did leave very early in the morning, as Twilight was so excited to get to Canterlot to see her old friends.
My old friends, Twilight thought, as the train roared, slowing down to a stop. She was in Canterlot to meet her past compadres, her amigos. Ponies whose names she forgot after coming to PonyVille per Celestia's orders, because she was too much of a bookworm to even acknowledge their existence. What sort of Princess of Friendship was she, to ignore them for so long? She thought of her current friends: Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Applejack and Pinkie Pie. They'd hate it oh so much if she just suddenly stopped seeing them, without so much as a goodbye.
She sighed deeply, and rocked Spike awake and he got up with a yawn, and the two set out into the blinding light of the Canterlot Sun.
"Hmmm... Where could they be..." Twilight said, checking the map of Canterlot frequently to ensure they were on the right track. Only problem was, they had no idea where they currently were; they had come here due to a decision made in the spur of the moment, and Twilight's head was filled with needless information like the maturing age of the plant species Mitsubishius Hondatoyotacus and the amount of weed it'd take to knock out a full grown adult pony. Spike trailed behind Twilight, and asked her what was wrong.
"Whats... wrong, you say?" grunted Twilight, her irritation showing. "I'll tell you what's wrong, I... I can't find my friends, at all! What kind of Princess am I?"
She started to cry. Spike frowned and reached into his trusty backpack for a handkerchief. Twilight was about to blow her nose loudly on it, when all of a sudden a voice resounded from behind them.
"Yo, homie. Told ya I detected a virgin," said a dark man as three of them appeared out of a clearing, all wielding guns. Twilight stopped, and through her teary eyes could make out their shapes as they advanced on her whilst sheathing their guns. They seemed to mean no harm.
"Yo, you must be Twilight Sparkle, right? Big fan. I used to be yo homeboy back in pre-K remember?" said one of the larger ones. Spike held a hand up and interrupted.
"Hey, hey. Isn't this story progressing a bit too fast?" said Spike, looking at me, the author. Thankfully, my fellow homeboys saved my ass by explaining everything.
"Yo, lil' kid. First off, fuck your bitch and the clique you claim," started 2pac.
"West side when we ride come equipped with game," continued Dr. Dre.
"Ya claim to be a player but I fucked your wife," said Snoop Dogg, and Spike was a little confused.
"I don't have a wife."
"Shut up, fool!" cried the three men, and their guns went ablazing. Twilight tried to help but in the middle of the conflict, she felt something hard and blunt (heh, blunt) hit her on the head, and the world went black African American.
Twilight woke up on a bed, inside an ordinary looking room with a cream coloured wallpaper and paintings of leaves everywhere. Oddly shaped leaves which looked... oddly shaped. Twilight coughed. A smell was filling the room and it wasn't pleasant, yet... it wasn't nasty either. It had a green hue or... did it even have a hue?
Just then, Snoop Dogg came into the room with 2pac and Dr. Dre.
"Yo, ma' nigga. Mrs. Sparkle, we were yo' friends back in pre-K, um... ma' name is Snoop Ding, because ma' eyes be small from the weed and shit that I look Asian," said the rapper, who was clearly high.
"And ma' name," said Dr Dre, "is Dr. Tray, since I always got a tray of weed wit' me at all times! Plus, I can smell a virgin from a mile away with my hyper sensitive Beats by Dr. Tray™ headphones."
"And ma' name is 6pac," said 2pac, lifting his shirt and pointing to his abs, " cuz I got a 6pac."
Then, the memories came flooding back to Twilight. Of course! She had missed those friends back in Kanterlot Kindergarten because she was too busy studying... about what, she couldn't quite remember. But what she did remember was...
"Where's Lil Wayne?" said Twilight, looking around. The three niggas suddenly became very solemn, and even Dr. Dre took his hat down.
"He... he dead, bruh," said Dr. Tray, and the two other African-Americans slapped him across the head. Twilight nevertheless cried.
"He ain't dead, fool! If he's dead, I'm dead!" said 6pac. Snoop Ding looked at Dr. Tray and shrugged.
"FYI, he's in the Young Money recording studio, recording they new single, um... I think it was called Bitches with Big Booties? The sequel to they first single Booties on Big Bitches," said Snoop Ding, deep in thought.
"Naw, naw," said 6pac, "The first single was Bitches with Big Booties. The sequel's called Bitches' Big Booty, the next is Big Booties, Bitches, and the final is Booties = Bitches. Album name is Bitches in Big Boots. It's apparently an album promoting proper use of the english language."
"Wait, wait, wait, hold up..." said Twilight, a little fazed since events were occurring so fast. "I don't understand. Did Lil Wayne just disappear from the group, just like that?"
"Without a word," said Snoop Ding, tipping his beanie down in a poignant manner. That was cruel, to leave without saying goodbye, to start a new career on his own while the others languished in poverty...
Then Twilight realised. That was the exact same thing she did to the four of them. She was no less or greater than Lil Wayne. The purple pony was distraught and upon realising this, she started crying. The three came up to her and started trying to comfort her.
"There, there. Real Gs don't cry," said 6pac.
"One blunt coming right up," said Snoop Ding, rolling up a 1 dollar note.
"Oh... oh yeah..." said Dr. Tray as he rubbed his crotch against Twilight's exposed furry rear end.
"We... we must get Lil Wayne back!" said Twilight, and the three got onto their feet to give Twilight a salute.
"Roger that, Mrs. Sparkle!" said 6pac. "Nigga Strike Team Alpha, roll some blun-- I mean, roll out!"
Spike was out on the streets of Canterlot, beat up like a rag doll but still alive, in spite of the near fatal wounds that were present all over his body. If he was an ordinary human or pony, he would have died on the spot. But no, dragon hide is tougher than steel, and even the Glocks of the African Americans who jumped him could not kill him. He was wondering about where Twilight was since he was beat up and left to the dogs out in Canterlot while his purple friend was gone, most probably kidnapped by the scary dark men. He coughed out some blood; even if the bullets didn't kill him, they packed a great punch.
Suddenly, he was run over by a Ferrari.
"YAW, N1GG45!! WE BE PUSHING 100 MPH TOPS!!!" cried 6pac as he raced through the streets of Canterlot with Twilight, Dr. Tray and Snoop Ding. All of their eyes were red, and the smell of weed proliferated throughout the entire city of Canterlot like the plague.
Spike cracked his backbone as he sat up, recovering quickly from the run-over. He could see the group dashing willy-nilly through the streets, wrecking havoc wherever they went. He tried to rush after them, but his body couldn't take the strain; suddenly, his eyes caught the care dashing straight for a ravine, and they opened as they caught the consequential explosion that resulted from them crashing into that small ravine.
"Twilight!!" cried Spike as his legs were pumped with adrenaline. However, the exploding Ferrari flew towards him and squashed his little body, pinning him down onto the ground. Eh, not like anyone cares about this character.
Lil Wayne was living the life. He was fucking bitches, getting paid, making music, sometimes doing all three simultaneously. Ponies in Canterlot just loved his mix tapes, and never once did he regret coming here via a mystical portal many years ago. There was absolutely NO competition here in the music industry. He didn't have to compete against people like Taylor Swift or Justin Timberblake. It was a good life, monopolising the music industry. His lyrics were said to be "Phenomenal, absolutely riveting" (PonyVille News) "Truly the voice of a new generation, a welcome refresher to the atrocity that is today's music scene" (Canterlot Daily) and "He's got a really nice dick" (Luna, sister of Celestia). Lil Wayne smiled as he listened to his new album, Bitches in Big Boots, before it was going to be released in studios.
Suddenly, his phone rang like it was being raped and Lil Wayne picked it up. It was his beloved nephew, Drake.
"Yaw, what up mah nephew?" said Wayne, smiling a golden-tooth smile.
"Yaw, Lil Wayne. I got some immigrants out here on the window."
"On the window? Or at the window?"
"On it. They plastered to it, bruh. They came outta nowhere and... Fuck! One o' them's gotta gun! AH FUCK!"
And the line flattened out. Lil Wayne's eyes widened in shock. He picked up his other phone and called his security.
"Yaw, call in the Storm Troopers."
Suddenly, hundreds of black dark women with large behinds appeared, and went to the outside of the house to confront the threat. However, this was met with impressive force; the front door was forced open and in stepped some familiar figures.
"Yaw, what ya'll niggas do to my... WHAT?! 6pac, Dr. Tray, Snoop Ding and...?"
"Twilight Sparkle!" cried Twilight Sparkle, a smile on her face and a redness in her eyes as she asked for the bong to be passed to her. All of them were high as fuck, and their actions were basically at the mercy of their instincts.
"Muh... muh B1G B00T13 B1+Cl-l3555555!!!!!!" cried Lil Wayne in contempt as he unleashed his fury by crafting a genius rap on the spot.
"Uh, I got a grudge wit' ya.
I got a beef wit' ya.
Too bad I always win.
Cause' I've got all these wins.
I rhyme rhyme with rhyme.
Doesn't matter how I rhyme.
Same words, same rhyme.
Uh... I rhyme."
"That was genius," said 6pac Shakur, tears welling in his eyes. Twilight nodded and agreed.
"You're my friend Lil Wayne," said Twilight, a high look on her face. Lil Wayne was about to attack Twilight when he noticed the curve of her round pony ass. He smiled.
"Looks like I got a replacement booty bitch," exclaimed Lil Wayne in glee as he attacked Twilight. Twilight's horn started to glow in retaliation, but the weed that she inhaled switched off her magic. She gulped in fear, and looked at her friends. Or so she thought.
"W... what?" said Twilight in disbelief as Snoop Ding, 6pac and Dr. Tray proceeded to join Lil Wayne's attack. All of them were rubbing their hands together as they used their tongues to grope Twilight in places where her brother shouldn't touch but he still did. Twilight groaned like your chemistry teacher when he realises that you drank a jar of ammonia thinking it was beer. She let herself get violated, but thought that it was fair payment for being mean to her friends.
"Hello? Spike?"
Spike heard some voices from above and they sounded very familiar... Almost like... Minuet. Moonshine. Lemon Hearts. And last of all, Moon Dancer. Suddenly, a surge of energy raced through his body as he realised...
"You're Twilight's friends! That must mean..." Spike said, getting up and looking deep in thought as the other ponies stared at him in the middle of the street.
"Come with me, girls! We've got to save Twilight!" exclaimed Spike, dragging them all by the hoof and leading them towards Lil Wayne's recording studio.
"WAIT!"
Spike and the girls stopped as a light came from above. Down floated delicately the luscious, the dainty, the graceful... Arnold Schwarzenegger, in his final form: Terminator Genisys.
"You said, 'Come with me'. That's my line. I will be their leader from now on," he said in his thick accent. Spike... was actually grateful he didn't have to lead the charge. The ponies were a little confused but determined nonetheless.
"Come with me if you want to live!" cried Arnold as they charged towards Young Money recording studios.
"Mmm..." said Twilight dreamily as she was surrounded by very dark men under the sheets of a bed, very comfortable after having experienced really hot sex with world-famous rappers. It wasn't as bad as she thought it'd be; rather, the experience of getting taken against her own will was rather... exciting, really. It was an added bonus that all of them had a greater girth than Tirek (if you know what I mean) and were many time wilder under the sheets. She smiled as she gave Lil Wayne a peck on the cheek, which was met with a "Yeeeeeee". Lil Wayne is so cute, thought Twilight.
Suddenly, the wall burst open as Arnold Schwarzenegger, Spike and her real pony friends appeared. The black men pulled out their Glocks, but before they could do it--
"Hasta La Vista, baby," cried Arnold as he threw a KFC Chicken Wing into a corner of the room, attracting all of the negroes N1GG45 there like zombies to a pipe bomb (I mean, come on. Who doesn't love some fried chicken? You'd be racist to think otherwise). And like a pipe bomb, the chicken wing exploded, causing all of them to spontaneously combust and die.
Twilight cried for them and in her ensuing anger, blew up Arnold Schwarzenegger with her magical horn powers, which were restored by the stimulation and excitement from sex with multiple black African American persons. Spike and the rest of the ponies looked on in horror as Twilight did all of this, and proceeded to run in the opposite direction as fast as they possibly could. Luckily, they escaped with their lives; however, Twilight became a recluse and it was forever known that the largest irony occurred on this day, that on a journey to discover friendship, Twilight lost all of her current ones.
