Chapters Equestria's Hammiest Villain
Chapter 1
A Reckoning is Coming
As nearly everyone in the world would know, Equestria was a fairly peaceful land inhabited by many pastel-colored ponies who lived together in harmony and friendship. But then one day, a sudden occurrence had brought about a most unpredictable being that had nearly changed the land in their image.
Not that such a thing would be possible, of course. Not everything can ever be accomplished alone.
The story begins in the town of Ponyville, where the ponyfolk were bustling in activity from running businesses to enjoying moments of leisure. Where some would find a day like this boring, it is what all ponies strive for, considering the many surprises the town is bound to come across, such as monster attacks or just wacky shenanigans of any sort.
One of the town's most defining features is the large castle that resembled a tree covered in crystals, which clashed horribly with the rest of Ponyville when seen from a distance. Inside of the castle were two residents, both of whom were taking advantage of how boring today was by relaxing in their own way. The owner of the castle was the benevolent princess of friendship, Twilight Sparkle, who sat on her throne and read one of her new books to herself. Sitting in a smaller throne next to her was her faithful assistant, Spike, who was feasting on a bowl of topaz and rubies.
Such enjoyment was short-lived, as Spike had just cleaned out his bowl in under two minutes, what with dragons and their affinity for crystals and gems. After checking for any remaining crumbs and gem dust, The baby dragon hopped up from his throne and waddled off with bowl in claw, seeking to refill his bowl.
Meanwhile, Twilight had just finished her book and sighed contently to herself before noticing Spike was treading off by himself with his bowl. She then felt her stomach growl before being compelled to get up from her own throne.
"Wait up, Spike. I'm getting kinda hungry myself." Twilight said with a chuckle before following her assistant. The two then managed to reach their large kitchen after they walked for a few minutes, then made for their refrigerator together to scan its contents.
"Awwww, I was sure I had more sapphires in here!" Spike complained after noticing how there weren't any more gems inside of the fridge, while Twilight simply levitated a chocolate pudding cup towards her with her magic before closing it. Spike decided to wash out his bowl while Twilight simply fished out a spoon for her snack "Think we should go out into town today? I never thought today would be so boring." Twilight ate a spoonful of pudding before looking at Spike.
"It sounds like a good idea. I remembered that Rarity talked about rehearsing with the Ponytones for their performance tomorrow. Maybe we can go watch them today?" She offered as she dug her spoon into her pudding cup and took another bite.
"There's a thought." Spike said eagerly "It's been a while since they've done a performance. Where are they singing at?"
"Town Hall again. I think this might be their biggest show yet." Twilight replied.
"Well, it sure beats staying cooped up in the castle all day. Nothing big ever happens here unless Pinkie Pie decides to throw a party or something." Spike said as he finished cleaning his bowl and putting it away.
"Then it's settled." Twilight said after finishing her pudding "Let's go see how they're doing." She said as she discarded her cup into the rubbish bin and set her spoon over by the sink. Twilight and Spike then made their way out of the castle and into town.
Town Hall was but a stone's throw away as the two reached their destination easily, looking inside to see Rarity, Torch Song, Toe Tapper, and Big Macintosh on a small stage practicing their notes while wearing their green sweaters. Much like their previous perfomances, they were singing their signature song 'Find the Music in You'. Fluttershy was seen bobbing her head to the rhythm in one of the seats with a content smile on her face as the song was drawing to a close.
"Hey, everypony!" Twilight greeted happily "I see the rehearsal's going well today."
"Why hello, Twilight. Spike." Rarity replied after noticing the two approaching the stage "I take it you're excited for tomorrow's performance, yes?"
"If it's as good as everypony says, why wouldn't we be?" Spike replied with a grin "It'd probably be better if Fluttershy was up there with you."
"Umm..." The mare in question spoke up "I thought everypony knew how I felt around large crowds." She said softly.
"We do, darling. But you have to give Spike credit." Rarity said pridefully "Your voice would make for an outstanding addition to our group, were you to perform with us full-time."
"Eeyup." Big Macintosh added with a nod.
"Well, despite Fluttershy not being a part of tomorrow's performance, I'm definitely looking forward to it." Twilight said warmly "Do you mind if we stay and wait for one more practice song?"
"Not at all." Rarity responded "We're going to take a small break for now, but we will practice once more for tomorrow."
While Twilight and Spike stayed with their friends at Town Hall, something strange was happening back at their castle, deep within its halls.
The magic mirror Twilight had kept with her since her previous encounters from a parallel world rested with the machinery used to power it up manually. The strange happening that took place was that said machinery activated on its own, powering up the mirror as the glass lens began to ripple profusely like a disturbed puddle of water.
The rippling lasted for a couple of minutes before a thick black fog shot out of it, covering up the mirror, its machinery, and most of the chamber it resided in. As the fog lingered, a pair of glowing green eyes were seen.
"At last..." A booming deep voice bellowed "I've successfully crossed the universe and have now landed in my first realm waiting to be conquered. And after this land is mine to keep, I shall repeat the process for many worlds to come. Soon, all shall bow before the universe's new ruler..."
A silhouette was seen in the fog before stepping out to reveal a very strange sight. It appeared to be a small pig standing on its hindlegs and wearing a purple silk cloak. It was seen with green eyes and bushy eyebrows that would look menacing if not for the fact that the pig appeared to be adorable. It then raised his head to shout at the heavens.
"The Dark Lord Chuckles, the Silly Piggy!!" The pig shouted, sounding high-pitched in large contrast to his earlier voice. He looked at his surroundings while his voice echoed and the fog began to clear up. No response was heard save for the sound of a cricket chirping. Said cricket was seen on his left before it chose to hop off.
"Oh come on!" Chuckles complained "I went through the trouble of orchestrating my super evil speech for my soon-to-be-conquered people! I even threw in my evil fog for good measure! Where is everybody?" He asked to no one in particular as he looked around before grunting to himself "No matter. This new world shall be my first step into universal conquest." He said as he rubbed his forehooves together menacingly with an evil grin on his face "And then Udrogoth will soon suffer my wrath before my conquest is complete!" He then proceeded to laugh to himself, sounding as if he were babbling during his hysterics. Chuckles stopped briefly to get a better look at where he currently stood.
"Wow, I've only been here for about a minute and this place looks really nice." The dark lord looked behind himself to see the mirror and his reflection "Did I seriously come out of that?" Chuckles said to himself as he pointed at the mirror. He stared for a moment before winking and grinning "Who's that good looking pig?"
It was only after a small period of self-adoration that Chuckles exited the chamber and went further into the castle.
End of Chapter 1
Author's Note
Did I disappoint you all? Huh? Did I?
If the answer's yes, then you realize just how evil this fic was meant to be: Short, with short chapters, featuring a short villain protagonist (Or an tagonist, if you wanna be technical...)
Man, is it good to be bad?
Anyways, I hope you'll enjoy this short story. If only I managed to churn it out sooner when I hit 666 followers.
Muhahahahahahaha~...
Equestria's Hammiest Villain
Chapter 2
Who's a Silly Piggy?
Inside of the crystal castle, Chuckles continued to wander around in hopes of searching for an exit. He never anticipated landing in such a vast and shiny building. He thought he was lost after wandering for what felt like hours. In truth, it had only been ten minutes.
"Okay, lemme just backtrack to make sure I haven't been going in circles." Chuckles said to himself in mild frustration "I started from the mirror, went down the hall, found the kitchen, snacked on one of those delicious pudding cups, back into the hall, found a conference room of some sort, and here I am now in some giant bedroom."
The dark lord looked at the large queen-sized bed and the basket that sat next to it. He wondered if the ruler of this castle owned a pet or something. He then looked over at a nearby dresser and found a picture frame, hopping up to grab and look at it for himself.
It appeared to be a picture of some pastel colored ponies and a purple dragon grouped together with smiles on their faces. There was a purple one with wings and a horn, a pink one with a poofy mane, an orange one with a stetson, a blue one with wings and a rainbow mane, a white one with a horn and a stylish purple mane, and a yellow one with wings that appeared quite shy.
"So this is what this world is full of? Weird looking ponies?" Chuckles stared at the picture before shrugging nonchalantly "Well, it beats using stuffed animals." He tossed the picture over his shoulders, letting it fall with an audible glass breaking sound "Although, I'd be lucky to come across a more menacing dragon to do my bidding." Out of nowhere, he pulled out an amulet with a red gem encrusted in it, grinning evilly "And it'll be easy since I just mastered mind control with the mystic amulet of Hogswineboar!"
Putting his amulet away, Chuckles walked towards a nearby window and looked out to see a village full of different colored ponies.
"Look at those silly ponies and their silliness. Little do they know that they'll become my slaves once I'm through with them." The dark lord giggled deviously "In time, they'll become the perfect army for my evil ambition." He looked away pensively "That is, until I find something stronger, then I'll just cast them aside." Chuckles then shook his head "I'll have plenty of time to think later. For now, I need to get out of this crystalline castle and begin my conquest for realsies!"
He then hopped off of the window and onto the floor before walking away. As he walked, he was unaware of a button that rested on the floor and stepped on it unknowingly. An explosion of confetti appeared in front of him, causing him to yelp and jump back in surprise.
Sadly, he jumped through the window during his shock, and proceeded to fall out of the castle, screaming as he descended. It wasn't long until he landed harshly onto the ground on his back.
"Augh...My little piggy spine..." Chuckles moaned in pain as he laid motionless on the grass. He then miraculously sat himself up despite the painful fall and rubbed his back.
"Awwwww, what an adorable piggy!" A female voice cooed, much to Chuckles' surprise and chagrin.
"Oh, this was not how I wanted to start my conquest..." He said under his breath as he was approached by a mare, which just so happened to be the pink one he saw in the picture back in the castle.
"Whacha doing out here, little guy?" The mare asked with her head cocked to the side "Shouldn't you be at Fluttershy's? Or Applejack's maybe?" She inspected Chuckles before smiling "I really like your cape."
"Oh, thank you, it's real silk." Chuckles replied politely to the mare's compliment. He then noticed how the mare's eyes widened as she gasped deeply.
"You're not just an adorable piggy!" The mare scooped Chuckles off of his feet with her forehooves and grinned widely "You're an adorable talking piggy! How cool is that!?"
"So? I'm a talking piggy, and you're a talking pony! What's the difference?" Chuckles pointed out, to which the mare's expression softened.
"Well, there hasn't been a single pig in Equestria that could talk before. I know Fluttershy will just love you." She then nuzzled her cheek against Chuckles', much to his audible protest "But who's to say that I don't love you yet, you adorable piggy~!"
"Stop it! Cut it out! Put me down!" Chuckles flailed while Pinkie obliviously nuzzled his face. He tried prying himself away from the mare's grip, but to no avail. He then used a crowbar he pulled out of nowhere and lodged it between himself and the mare's legs, trying to free himself, only for the crowbar to break. Staring at the broken piece while being nuzzled, he shifted his eyes nervously at the clingy and affectionate pony "Seriously, how strong are you?" Surprisingly, his question prompted the pink mare to stop.
"I dunno." She said as she set Chuckles down "So what's your name, little guy? My name's Pinkie Pie!" She said cheerfully.
"Wow, really? That sounds like the name of a doll or something." Chuckles said.
"Does it? I think it sounds pretty normal to me." Pinkie said before smiling again "So what's your name, huh?"
"Oh, of course. My name is, the Dark Lor-erm..." The dark lord stifled himself on his hammy introduction. Thinking quickly about his actions, he could stymy his chances for conquest if he were to flat out state that he was a villain in front of an innocent bystander. Also, said bystander was very strong, so he couldn't risk anymore pain on himself. After cleating his throat, he continued "Chuckles the Silly Piggy!" He then pointed at Pinkie "Just Chuckles. Nothing evil about it."
"That's a relief." The pink mare replied "For a second there, I thought you were gonna say you were a dark lord or something. That would've meant I'd have to find my friends so we all could take you down with the power of Friendship." Pinkie smiled despite her words, catching Chuckles off-guard "Oh, and we'll beat you up badly, too. That's how it usually goes." She added, making the little pig even more uncomfortable.
"Yeah, that would not go well for me." Chuckles chuckled nervously "I mean, this cape I have on surely doesn't signify that I'm evil or anything." He added hastily while lightly tugging on his cape with a hoof.
"I know, right?" Pinkie giggled "If anything, it adds to how cute you are!"
'Oh, you are so gonna get it when I rule this place! ' Chuckles thought to himself while sporting his nervous grin "You know it, sister. Say, do you think you could be a dear and show me around this place? I just moved in from..." His eyes shifted briefly before focusing on Pinkie again "somewhere else."
"Where are you from?"
"Where, you ask? I'm from...erm...any places with nice coasts?"
"Baltimare?" Pinkie offered obliviously.
"Yes! Baltimare! I'm from Baltimare! Funny how I just forget the place when I moved." Chuckles laughed, feigning ignorance. Until he realized he was supposed to cry, then he merely sniffled while feigning ignorance.
"Awwwww, you poor thing." Pinkie said sympathetically "It must've been tough to leave your hometown behind." She perked up before looking down at the dark lord with a suspicious glare "Hey, wait a minute..." Pinkie inched her face near Chuckles, who began sweating bullets as he held his amulet behind his back, ready to use it as a last resort.
"If you just moved here, then where do you live? I never even heard of you coming here." Pinkie asked, her air of suspicion instantly vanishing. Chuckles regained his composure, relieved that his villainy hadn't been compromised.
"Oh, I haven't chose a home yet. And I don't have much stuff, neither. I travel light, after all." Chuckles instantly recovered, hoping the seemingly deluded mare would buy it.
"Well, don't you worry! Auntie Pinkie Pie will help you find a home and throw you a very special welcome party!"
"A...party?" Chuckles said hesitantly with a blank stare before looking genuinely happy "No one's ever thrown me a party before."
"Seriously!?" Pinkie said with another exaggerated gasp "Then today's your lucky day, Chuckles!" Using her head, she lifted Chuckles up and lightly tossed him onto her back, where he sat comfortable "I'll just show you to my friends before I get started on preparations. Fluttershy has to see you!" Pinkie said as she began to pronk away.
Chuckles never thought that he could easily dupe a pony into believing he was actually a part of their world. He grinned evilly as he bounced up and down with Pinkie's pronking. If all the other ponies were as gullible as she was, he'll conquer this world in no time. Only one other thing on his mind added to his dark glee about his future domination...
"This is actually pretty fun." He said as he continued bouncing up and down with Pinkie's pronking towards their unnamed destination.
End of Chapter 2
Author's Note
And now it's time for a couple of fun facts relevant to this story.
Originally, I was going to make a fic about Lord Hater and Commander Peepers from Wander Over Yonder being stranded in Equestria for a time. I relented, thinking that it probably wouldn't be in good taste to my readers.
I searched high and low for any acceptable form of cover art aside from some obvious screenshots and came up short.
It feels so refreshing to churn out chapters with smaller word counts as opposed to my previous works.
Those facts being noted, please enjoy this chapter. Peace!
Equestria's Hammiest Villain
Chapter 3
Chuckles and 'Friends'
After a fun ride courtesy of Pinkie Pie, Chuckles found himself looking at a tall wooden building. Pinkie simply entered through the doors and the pig on her back noticed a group of ponies singing acapella in matching sweaters and bowties with two other ponies sitting in their own seats. He could've sworn he saw a purple scale or two, but he was so entranced by the music that he found himself closing his eyes and bobbing to it.
"Hey, everypony. Look who I ran into in town!" Pinkie said, disrupting the performance as she moved to her side to show Chuckles to everypony present. A purple scaly head peered out to look along with the ponies. The yellow pony Chuckles saw gasped loudly before flying towards him at a breakneck pace with a wide grin, stopping in front of him as she took in his appearance.
"Oh, aren't you the most adorable little piggy I've ever seen?" She cooed as she flew around the dark lord, inspecting him at every angle "I really like your cape." Chuckles started to feel uncomfortable the more she circled around him.
"Okay, as much as I love the attention, you're really starting to creep me out." Chuckles said as he kept his eyes on the pony. She instantly stopped and stared at the evil pig.
"Did-...Did that pig just talk?" The yellow pony asked.
"I know, right?" Pinkie beamed "His name is Chuckles the Silly Piggy, and he just moved in from Baltimare!"
If Chuckles didn't feel comfortable now, he lost all sense of security when everyone in the room flocked towards him into a crowd. He even noticed the small dragon from the picture in the castle.
"A talking pig? Now I've seen everything." The small dragon pointed at the dark lord "That's surprising."
"Indeed." The white mare said as she examined Chuckles with a keen eye before looking disgusted "Unless this is one of Discord's attempts at tomfoolery."
"I'm with Rarity." The purple mare added as she tilted her head at Chuckles "I mean, pigs don't talk in Equestria, and I never recall one actually living in Baltimare."
"Eeyup." The tall red stallion nodded in agreement.
"Well, pardon me for being born differently." Chuckles said while feigning hurt feelings as he crossed his arms and turned his head away. He sneakily opened an eye to glance at the guilty expression on the mare's face from the corner of his vision.
"I'm sorry if I offended you, Chuckles." The purple mare apologized politely before she smiled "It's actually nice of you to show up here in Ponyville. I don't know if you know me or not, but my name is Twilight Sparkle and I'm the princess of friendship, as well as this town." She directed a hoof to the dragon below her "And this is my assistant, Spike."
"Hey there." The dragon gave a friendly wave.
"My name is Rarity. It's a pleasure to meet you, darling." She directed a hoof towards the other ponies in sweaters "These are my bandmates Toe Tapper, Torch Song, and Big Macintosh." Rarity placed a hoof on her chest "And together, we're known as the Ponytones." She then looked over at Fluttershy with a sheepish grin "Oh, and of course Fluttershy's a part-time member of our little group."
"It's okay, Rarity. I'm not bothered about being fully included in the Ponytones." Fluttershy reassured before looking down at Chuckles "But I'm very glad to see a talking pig here in Ponyville." She landed next to Pinkie Pie to look at the dark lord at eye level "So what brings you here, Chuckles? Are you looking for a new home?"
"But of course. I like this town and its...color!" Chuckles said with a grin.
"You want to stay in Ponyville because of its color?" The dragon asked with his head tilted "Are you sure you got a better reason?"
"Spike, don't be rude." Twilight chided.
"Yeah, I mean, what's a better reason than color, huh? Name one!" Chuckles said.
"I can name plenty." Spike said as he stuck up his digits in one claw and pointed at each one with the other "Rarity, the ponies, friendship, the landmarks, the history, and Twilight!" Chuckles blinked at the dragon's response.
"Why am I last?" Twilight asked.
"Okay, so maybe they're good reasons as well, but color's where it's at these days!" He briefly looked at Pinkie before pointing a tiny hoof to her "Like pink!"
"Preach it, brotha!" The party pony said before sharing a hoof bump with Chuckles.
"Yes, well, bar your rather eccentric reason, it is nice of you to come to town." Rarity said in a friendly tone "We were just rehearsing for our performance here tomorrow and the whole town will be there." The dark lord perked up at the last sentence.
"Whoa whoa whoa, the whole town? As in, every pony in this place?" Chuckles asked incredulously.
"Why, yes! This is sure to be our biggest performance yet, since everypony's bound to show up tomorrow. Perhaps you would like to join as well? That is, if you enjoy some good acapella." Rarity offered.
"Oh, certainly! If every pony's gonna be there, it'll be easy for me!"
"Beg pardon?"
"I-I mean, I wouldn't miss this for the world!" Chuckles quickly recovered.
"Poor Chucky has a habit of doing that." Pinkie pointed out "He almost labeled himself as a dark lord when we met. How funny is that, huh?" She giggled.
"Yeah, me and my mouth sometimes." Chuckles laughed as well, then paused before looking at Pinkie Pie "Did you just call me Chucky?"
"Well, I'd love to stay and chat with you all, but I gotta show Chucky the rest of the town!" Pinkie said.
"Oh, can I join you?" Fluttershy asked as she looked at Chuckles, her eyes glistening "I'd like to know more about our new animal friend." The silly piggy stared back and slowly inched away from her while on Pinkie's back.
"Sure! The more the merrier!" Pinkie said as she waved goodbye to her friends and pronked out of Town Hall with Fluttershy following close behind.
"Seriously, did you call me Chucky back there? Not cool."
End of Chapter 3
Author's Note
"...Am I the only one weirded out by those two other members? They didn't say anything at all! They just stared with those eyes..." *shudder*
This may just be my shortest chapter ever, and I'm happy. It's refreshing that I don't have to churn out something huge once in a while *Looks at War Criminals*
Well, enjoy the chapter. Peace!
Equestria's Hammiest Villain
Chapter 5Got A Beef?
After Rainbow Dash said her farewells to her friends, and after a third cupcake that Chuckles so desperately desired, he, Pinkie, and Fluttershy resumed their tour of Ponyville. Pinkie was busy naming off many houses and landmarks while her guest showed interest for any building that didn't look the same.
Along the way, Chuckles had never realized that Rarity was a fashionista herself after Pinkie had shown her home and workplace, Carousel Boutique. He wondered if he could possibly talk shop with her and see if he couldn't spice up his Evil Lair Boutique back home.
The three found themselves following a path that moved away from Ponyville and lead towards a vast farm with acres of land and enough apple trees to make an apple forest. Looking at the farm, Chuckles grew uneasy as Pinkie carried him towards it. Fluttershy was quick to catch on.
"Mr. Chuckles? Is there something wrong?" Fluttershy asked in concern.
"Huh?" The dark lord quickly snapped his head to face Fluttershy before grinning nervously "Oh, there's nothing wrong. The cupcake's just got me gassy is all."
"Well, maybe if a certain pig didn't have three cupcakes in a row~." Pinkie said pointedly before Pinkie giggled "I'm joking! I'd totally eat more than just three in a row, myself. Well, good ones, at least." Pinkie added in a serious tone.
"Oh, Pinkie, I'm sorry you actually had to go through that when we travelled with our friends to that town a while ago." Fluttershy said penitently.
"Town? What town?" Chuckles asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Dunno. They called it Our Town when we got there. I thought it was silly at first, but it turns out that Starlight Glimmer might be bad with names." Pinkie added as she tapped her chin with a hoof.
"Who's-" Chuckles stopped himself as he shook his head, feeling as if he would distract himself "Nevermind, we got a tour to finish." He paused before looking up at the sky "And we really should, too. Does it feel like two months to anyone here?"
"Oh, I definitely feel you, Chucky!" Pinkie said as she rolled her eyes.
"Um...I don't quite get what you two are talking about. Hasn't it been five minutes since we left Sugarcube Corner?" Fluttershy asked, perplexed by what was said by her friends.
"Exactly! It's weird!" Pinkie said. She then noticed a farmhouse up ahead "Oh, here we are." Pinkie scouted the area before spotting an orange mare wearing a stetson approaching the trio. She was seen pulling a cart with four barrels full of apples, and she noticed Pinkie waving frantically at her.
"Hi, Applejack!" Pinkie greeted enthusiastically. Meanwhile, Chuckles instantly recognized her from the photo back at the castle.
"Howdy, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy." Applejack greeted her two friends before noticing Chuckles sitting on Pinkie's back. She craned her head back with a perplexed look on her face "Why in Equestria is that pig wearing a cape?" Chuckles raised an eyebrow at the orange mare.
"Maybe because I own it?" Chuckles asked, tugging at his cape, and noticed Applejack staring wide-eyed at him, causing him to sigh "Oh great, here it comes."
"Did that pig just talk?" Applejack and Chuckles chorused, although the latter did so apathetically, easily seeing it coming.
"Isn't Mr. Chuckles just wonderful?" Fluttershy asked Applejack as she briefly nuzzled his cheek, to which Chuckles wiped it in disgust. The timid pegasus was oblivious to his action as she continued while facing Applejack "He just moved in from Baltimare. Pinkie and I are giving him a tour of Ponyville before she throws him a party." The farmpony gave Chuckles a calculating gaze followed by a hum before looking at her two friends.
"Are ya sure they even have talkin' pigs in Baltimare?" Applejack asked "Because th' ones I have don't even speak a word, unless ya count oink." Chuckles instantly perked up.
"Wait, you keep pigs here?" He instantly sped over and pointed an accusing hoof at Applejack "For what purpose exactly? Answer me!!" The three ponies were caught off-guard by his sudden shift of behavior.
"Easy there, sugarcube." Applejack said, attempting to calm the dark lord with a hoof held up in a placating gesture "Ah don't do anythin' bad to them. Ah just give 'em a home here at Sweet Apple Acres."
"Likely story..." Chuckles squinted his eyes at Applejack.
"It's true. They're perfectly fine livin' here on the farm." Applejack said, pointing to a nearby pigpen. The pigs seem comfortable, oinking contently as they sat in their home. Although, only one pig happed to hold a large sign saying 'Send help!' in their mouth.
"Oh, it looks like Milton's writing has improved." Fluttershy smiled, although felt awkward upon reading the sign "I think he needs to work on words that don't send the wrong message, though..." Milton was seen putting down one sign, and then replacing it with another that said 'I like cheese', making Fluttershy giggle.
"That is one smart pig." Pinkie nodded respectfully, making Chuckles stare at her in deadpan.
"He sure is." Applejack said pridefully before looking over at Chuckles "Speakin' of pigs, Ah'm curious as to what life fer ya was like back at Baltimare, iffin' what ya said was true." Chuckles stammered before regaining his composure.
"Well, of course it is! What do you take me for? A liar?" Chuckles said tersely before grinning. Applejack shook her head.
"Just skeptical is all. A talkin' pig's one thing, but a talkin' pig from Baltimare just begs all kinds o' questions. Do ya have any friends where yer from?"
"Oh, of course I do! I mean, I even sent them a lovely note on how I already miss them before stopping here at Ponyville." Chuckles said, feigning innocence in his words.
Meanwhile, in the land of Udrogoth, A large and fearsome troll was seen approaching the city, growling and stomping his feet as he made his way inside, causing the townsfolk to scream and run in fear. The beast continued his path through the market street before finally approaching the castle.
Stopping at the door, he clenched a fist and brought it back with a frightening glare and quickly brought it forward before gently knocking the door with a docile look on his face. A few seconds later, the door opened to reveal a muscular man wearing a red tunic with a matching bandanna, and large black bracers on his arms. On his back was a sword with a feminine face on the hilt that appeared to be bored.
"Yes?" The man asked politely in a tone that betrayed his appearance.
"Um, is this the home of Dave the Barbarian and his family?" The troll asked in a deep, but sophisticated tone. He brought up a fist and revealed a rolled parchment "I came to deliver this."
"Oh, I'm Dave. Thank you!" Dave responded, taking the parchment that was offered to him and was even kind enough to tip the troll with a drekel before seeing him off. He was oblivious to the sound of screaming heard in the city as he decided to read the letter that was given to him.
"Dear fools, you thought you had finally beaten me ever since you grew bored with messing with me while I was wearing the happy glasses? Ha! Think again! I'm already amassing an army powerful enough to bring you and the rest of Udrogoth to its knees. If you're so bold as to defy my mighty mightiness, feel free to stop by my lair at your leisure. I'm sure you'll have plenty of fun when I'm kicking your respective keisters and laughing maniacally at your misery. Signed, the dark lord Chuckles the Silly Piggy. P.S.: If I'm not there, could you maybe give me a little time before I show up and begin our glorious battle? That would be much appreciated."
"Bejabbers!" Dave exclaimed after finishing the letter, turning to the sword on his back "Lula, we have to tell the others!"
"Really? I was under the impression we had to go over to the lair ourselves and get brutally massacred." Lula snarked with a deadpan look on her face. Not choosing to respond to her jab, Dave quickly retreated inside his home to warn his family about Chuckles' threat.
End of Chapter 5
Author's Note
Hooray! I did a thing! And before you ask: No, they won't be following Chuckles into Equestria. This is his story.
I hope you'll like what's to come from this story. Let me tell you, it's hard trying to reach the show's level of comedy
Enjoy the chapter. Peace!
Equestria's Hammiest Villain
Chapter 6Insert Pig Pun Here
"Everyone! I have terrible news!" Dave shouted as he stormed into the dining hall, where more people were seen eating mutton joints. The first to acknowledge Dave's news with shock was a short and dark-skinned wizard with a large beard, wearing a purple robe and hat.
"What is it, Dave? Please tell me they didn't stop selling my precious nut logs in the market!" The wizard said in panic as he held his hands over his hat.
"Uncle Oswidge, you know that doesn't warrant any panic at all." A teenaged girl wearing a royal crown and a pink dress with short purple overcoat over it rose from the table with a roll of her eyes before looking down pensively, stroking her chin "Now, if the market itself stopped selling everything, including that new expensive dress that I want to wear for the upcoming festival this weekend, then we have every reason to panic."
"It's always dresses with you, Candy!" A dark-skinned girl with a simple orange dress and a bone through her hair complained with her bushed eyebrows furrowed "Knowing that it's Dave giving the news, it's probably not even an emergency worth mentioning."
"But it is an emergency! One that involves..." Dave looked serious for a moment "the dark lord Chuckles the Silly Piggy." The little girl perked up before hopping onto her chair with a predatory grin.
"Now we're talking! Are we gonna stomp that little piggy into bacon bits again?" She asked with giddy anticipation.
"Oh, Fang. Always the enthusiastic barbarian." Oswidge chuckled amiably at her spirit before looking at Dave "So what's he plotting this time?" The large barbarian reread his parchment.
"It says he's amassing an army, and that he's inviting us to try and stop him at his lair." He then showed the contents to his family while pointing at the bottom part with his finger "It also says he wants us to wait a little if he's not there yet."
"Ha! Fat chance! I wanna go over there now and see what Pork Breath's packing." Fang said as she caught her right fist with her left hand. A small yellow dragon gurgled above the family, having all of them look up at his absentminded expression.
"See? Faffy wants to go!" Fang said persuasively.
"Well, we are dealing with an army that threatens the safety of Udrogoth." Dave said thoughtfully before smiling "Okay, but we really gotta wait if Chuckles isn't at his lair when we arrive. It's best to be polite, right?" The collective groans from his family went over his head.
Meanwhile, Chuckles was in the midst of a questionnaire courtesy of a curious Applejack, with Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy merely observing out of mutual interest of his origins. He entertained their inquisitive nature by telling a tall tale that was sure to draw away any possible suspicions.
"And that's the story of my life before coming here." Chuckles said with a content smile, his arms crossed. The ponies stood, stupified by his supposed story.
"...But ya didn't say anything!" Applejack exclaimed incredulously.
"I didn't?" Chuckles asked.
"Yeah." Pinkie piped up "All you said was 'And that's the story of my life'. That wasn't a story at all; not even a short one!" She frowned with mild displeasure.
"Oh, then in that case, let me take it from the top." Chuckles said reassuringly before clearing his throat "It all started in Baltimare when I decided 'Hey, maybe I should look for a change of venue. This place seems nice', so I decided to move here in Ponyville with the rest of you." He finished with a smile. Applejack was unamused.
"That wasn't even a step above yer first attempt." She said in deadpan.
"Well, if I left anything out, it was because there weren't many jobs suitable for pigs like me!" Chuckles shot back before directing his hooves at himself "Look at me! You think ponies everywhere can be accepting of little pigs like myself?" Applejack stared before rubbing her chin with a hoof, her features softening.
"Wow. When ya put it like that, it really does make sense." She then looked penitent "Ah'm mighty sorry t' hear about yer predicament, Chuckles. Maybe there'll be some work fer ya here in Ponyville."
"I could always use some help around my cottage." Fluttershy offered "I'm sure the other animals there would love your company." She added warmly.
"Erm, I'll think about it." Chuckles said tersely, inwardly relieved that the ponies at least bought his story. He looked at his arm with widened eyes "Oh, gee, would you look at the time! We gotta finish our little tour and find a place for me to sleep!"
"Maybe Twilight will have a guest room for you in her castle." Pinkie said in a chipper tone, oblivious to Chuckles flinching.
"In that case, Ah won't keep ya." Applejack said with a tip of her hat "Feel free t' stop by Sweet Apple Acres more often, sugarcube. Ah could show ya some Apple family hospitality next time 'round!"
"Oh sure! much obliged!" Chuckles said with a wave after he hopped onto Pinkie's back, leaving with her and Fluttershy. He blinked with a befuddled expression "Sugarcube?"
"That's just a nickname Applejack uses sometimes." Fluttershy giggled "She's very nice and a hard-working pony."
"The most dependable pony!" Pinkie grinned.
"Ooooh, I like a dependable pony~!" Chuckles said halfheartedly, tenting his hooves together. If what they were saying were true, he could use Applejack for some arduous tasks and not just for fighting purposes when he controls all of Ponyville.
Some time later in the day, Pinkie and Fluttershy had finally finished their tour for Chuckles and decidedly went to Twilight to see if she was willing to take in the little pig before he was able to find a home for himself. They were in the conference room with the many thrones inside and what appeared to be the bottom of an old tree at the ceiling.
"Of course!" Twilight chirped "I'd be happy to take in a new and future resident of Ponyville into my castle for the time being." She looked over at Chuckles "How are you enjoying Ponyville so far, Chuckles?"
"Who me? Oh, yeah it's...good?" Chuckles raised an eyebrow when he tried searching for the right word. Twilight cocked her head to the side.
"You seem hesitant. Is something wrong?" She asked, to which Chuckles held up his hooves in a placating gesture.
"Sorry, sorry. I'm just trying to adjust to my surroundings some more. I just need some time is all." Chuckles said before smiling "It really is quite nice." Twilight returned the smile herself.
"Good to hear! And please, make yourself at home."
"Oh, I intend to..." Chuckles said under his breath deviously.
"What?"
"Nothing!"
"Well, in that case, I think I'm gonna spend some time with the girls. Spike can show you to your room while I'm away." She looked around her room before she called out "Spike!" Chuckles gritted his teeth as he held his ears.
"You realize I'm standing right in front of you, right?" The dark lord said bitterly. Twilight grinned sheepishly as her ears folded back. Meanwhile, the doors to the conference room opened to reveal the purple dragon from before.
"What's up, Twilight? Need anything?" Spike asked. he then noticed Chuckles and waved with a smile "Hey, Chuckles."
"Spike, I'm gonna be out with Pinkie and Fluttershy. Can you lead Chuckles to one of our guest rooms?" Twilight requested politely before winking. Spike perked up before he smiled and nodded
"Sure thing! Have fun." He replied as the three mares exited the castle. He then gestured for Chuckles to follow him.
"Don't worry, I'll give you one of the rooms that are easier to find here." The purple dragon looked up at the ceiling "Before I got used to it, this castle was like a maze to me."
"Tell me about it..." Chuckles muttered bitterly.
"Huh?"
"Tell me about it. How hard it was. Because I'm inclined to believe you." Chuckles recovered hastily with a poker face.
"Oh, okay! Well, it all started with this guy named Lord Tirek..."
'This is gonna be a loooong day... ' Chuckles thought to himself with a deep frown as he followed Spike to his new quarters.
End of Chapter 6
Author's Note
Moral of the story: Spinning stories is hard.
Enjoy the chapter, folks. Peace!
Equestria's Hammiest Villain
Chapter 7Having a Chuckles
Chuckles was pleased to have found his temporary quarters so that he may properly rest before he sets his plan into motion. The only downside was having to listen to such a long story on the way there. Despite the grating experience, he had to admit that this Lord Tirek was his kind of guy, especially with the power to sap away the magic of other ponies. One question remained on his mind, though.
"What's with this Discord character? You said he used to be evil?" Chuckles asked curiously.
"Yup." Spike replied "He was evil at first, causing chaos throughout Equestria, but mostly Ponyville, then he was reformed by Fluttershy, who was convinced by Tirek to betray us, followed by him betraying Discord, causing him to help Twilight defeat Tirek once and for all." Spike explained before he shrugged his shoulders "It was pretty crazy."
"I'll say." Chuckles said with hidden disgust. He tried to fathom what kind of villain just switches sides twice. Not to mention the power that he held. Chuckles carried a sense of nostalgia when he thought about the time he used the Shackles of Encumbrance, but he knew it wouldn't be right to use them again, knowing the drawbacks of the narrator giving out on him.
"So, how's Ponyville treating you?" Spike asked while he leaned against the guest room's doorframe "I'll bet you'll fit in just nicely with everypony here." Chuckles shrugged with a crooked smile.
"Oh yes, everypony and everything is so...colorful." Chuckles replied, adding the last part weakly while assessing his new quarters.
"Figuratively or literally?" Spike asked with a raised eyebrow "I say this because I remembered how you said you liked Ponyville for its color. Plus, everypony here is colorful as far as personality and talents."
"I could hardly notice." Chuckles said sarcastically, not caring that it went over Spike's head.
"Oh yeah. Just be happy that Pinkie Pie didn't decide to introduce you to everypony on your tour. Even I was exhausted when she put Twilight and I through that when we moved here a couple years back.
"And where did you two live before?" The dark lord inquired.
"Canterlot." Spike waddled over towards a nearby window and pointed at a distant mountain with what appeared to be a castle hanging from the side of it. Chuckles followed his claw and awed at the tiny spectacle "It's where the princesses live. Twilight studied under Princess Celestia for most of her life after she hatched me from an egg."
"She did WHAT!?" Chuckles blurted out as he stared wide-eyed at Spike.
"Twilight hatched me from my egg with her magic." Spike smirked in amusement "Ponies don't lay eggs, you know."
"Work on your phrasing next time, maybe?" Chuckles shot back with a deadpan gaze.
"Touche." Spike laughed as he hopped away from the window "So, now that you know where to go from here, what do you wanna do now?" Chuckles turned away from Spike and poked his chin in thought. It was true that Chuckles really didn't know what to do to kill more time before tomorrow, where he would personally make sure that his plan shall follow through. Until he realized two things:
He needed to test his mind control spell and it was only him and Spike in the castle.
With a wide-eyed stare of realization, followed by a well-hidden evil grin, he hopped away from the window and turned to Spike, with a fixed expression of cheerfulness on his face.
"I know! Did I ever tell you that I have a hobby for collecting pictures?" Chuckles asked with feigned innocence. Spike cocked his head to the side.
"No, actually. Why? Do you wanna take a picture or something?" Spike wondered as he scratched his head. He never once seen Chuckles with a camera at his side.
"Yes, actually. But I need you to stand still and gimme a big smile." The dark lord requested with a large grin of his own, pointing at it with a hoof "Like this."
"Okay." Spike said before standing with his claws akimbo, a wide grin on his face "How about this?"
"Gooooood~!" Chuckles said with hidden mischief as he slowly reached into his cape before pulling out the mystic amulet of Hogswineboar, the red gem glowing brightly as he aimed it at his first victim "Say cheese!" He said with a wicked smile. Spike instantly deflated and pointed at the amulet with a confused glance.
"But that's not a-" A zap of magic that connected with his eyes silenced the purple dragon as he stood completely still, resembling a statue with glowing pupils. Chuckles paused in his stance before looking quizzically at Spike.
"Did it work?" He asked himself before approaching the silent dragon and waving a hoof in front of his face. Chuckles then decided a more pragmatic test as he cleared his throat.
"Dragon, I am your master now. You will obey me." Chuckles stated firmly as he stared down Spike.
"Yes, master." Spike responded instantly, albeit with a monotonous tone of voice, as if all emotions had been drained of him. Chuckles gasped with glistening eyes before containing his excitement and testing his control further.
"So, you're my servant now?" Chuckles asked carefully.
"Of course, master."
"And you're not joshing me?"
"I have no reason to, master."
"Can you stop calling me master if you mean it?"
"Yes."
"It worked..." Chuckles uttered dumbfoundedly before he began to dance and cheer "It worked! It really, really worked!" He laughed triumphantly as he circled Spike, who was similar to that of a miniature statue. Chuckles stopped in front of the dragon as he looked at his amulet with an evil grin on his face "I'll get my powerful army yet! All I have to do is make sure that my plan goes swimmingly! Today, the dragon; tomorrow, the rest of Ponyville!" He laughed again, happy to act villainous in the privacy of somepony else's home.
"I await your next command, master." Spike piped up in the same monotonous tone. Chuckles instantly turned and pointed at him with an irate expression.
"Silence! You will speak when spoken to!" He shouted dominantly before his gaze softened "Also, we gotta work on how you talk. It's, like, a dead giveaway, man." He added flatly.
Chuckles would use his time to think about what would be the best approach for tomorrow, confident that his devious scheme in the making will ensure his future conquest.
End of Chapter 7
Author's Note
Are you having a Chuckles? No? Me neither.
Maybe we both shall have more with the chapters yet to come.
That being said, poor Spike. Perhaps he'll get more attention as a hypnotized slave.
Enjoy the chapter. Peace!
Equestria's Hammiest Villain
Chapter 8The Small Ham
Much to Chuckles' chagrin, he was unable to coax Spike out of his monotonous droning whenever he responded to his new master. However, that did not stop him from working his way around that minor flaw and figure out the next time needed to ensure his plan's success. Now realizing that he didn't have much to do now, he turned to Spike.
"Alright, my new servant. Since we clearly don't have much to do around this shiny castle, it's only proper to get another look at my future slaves outside!" Chuckles said evilly before donning a pensive expression "Maybe see if I can try on some outfits for my conquest at that boutique that Rarity was talking about."
"Yes, my master." Spike responded in his usual mindless fashion.
"You know, as gratifying as it sounds coming out of you, you don't have to say that all the time." Chuckles rolled his eyes "Just lead me outta this place so I can do something for once."
Wordlessly, Spike complied with Chuckles' command and easily lead him out of Twilight's castle and back into Ponyville, where there were less ponies seen outside than before. Not that it mattered to the dark lord. He counted himself lucky that Spike walked normally despite being a mind-controlled slave.
"Alright, servant, take me to the boutique. I haven't really paid much attention to the tour that Pinkie gave me, so I kinda need you to be my guide on this one." Chuckles said with a pointed hoof at Spike, who began walking towards a certain direction, prompting his new master to follow.
"Geez, I know I was being deceitful about liking it earlier, but this place really is colorful when you actually look around." Chuckles said as he spotted the many lucid buildings and the lessened amount of ponies "Seriously, Udrogoth can learn a thing or two about this place." He said to himself, making sure nopony had heard him. Chuckles then bumped into Spike while he was lost in his view of Ponyville, and turned to glare at the dragon.
"A little warning would've been nice, slave!" He barked irritably.
"You told me to speak when spoken to, master." Spike replied.
"Don't you get smart with me!" Chuckles shot back, pointing a hoof at the dragon "So why'd you stop?" He followed Spike's pointed claw up at the boutique in front of them "Oh. It was that easy?" Chuckles said to himself before opening the door to the boutique, where he spotted many pony-shaped mannequins; some were bare while others held dresses. He wondered to himself why there weren't much male outfits in sight.
"Hello~?" Chuckles called out before shifting his eyes and moving further inside the store "Anybody home?" He turned to Spike with a frown "Rarity lives here, right? Is she too busy or something?"
"She would have known that we entered, master." Spike said with his forebodingly blank face "Also, it's 'anypony'."
"Does it even matter how I say-You know what? Forget it!" Chuckles said as he looked around "She's obviously not home and we wasted a trip here." He then turned to waddle out the door "Come, my slave. We shall go elsewhere for the time being." Spike wordlessly followed Chuckles back outside.
The dark lord only just now noticed how the streets of Ponyville became barren. There was even a tumbleweed that just so happened to roll by.
"Where is everypony?" Chuckles asked no one in particular before frantically shaking his head "I mean everybody! Sheesh, I don't get how that sticks..." He murmured in a perplexed tone. He then spotted a distant trace of pink that zipped around the corner of a building on the right. Chuckles hummed to himself with a calculating glance before snapping his hooves (somehow) "Spike, move forward, assess anything strange and pink, and come back to me." The purple dragon proceeded to run towards the area after hearing Chuckles' command and turned around the corner as well.
There was a pause before the dark lord heard Spike return to him. Chuckles raised an eyebrow expectantly at his slave upon his approach.
"Well, what'd ya see?" Chuckles asked inquisitively.
"Sugarcube Corner." Spike responded instantly.
"...Sugarcube Corner?" Chuckles parrotted flatly.
"Sugarcube Corner."
"The same place where I got a good number of those tasty cupcakes. That Sugarcube Corner?" Chuckles asked in the same tone.
"Correct, master."
"So, you want me to believe that a giant building - which may or may not actually be made of candy - to be capable of movement and show us something pink before moving away?"
"No."
"Okay, you're my first slave ever in this world, and I'm starting to grow bored with you. Let's just go to Sugarcube Corner now." Chuckles said as he rubbed his temples and waddled towards his desired destination with Spike in tow.
As they neared the distinguishable pastry shop of Ponyville that was Sugarcube Corner, Chuckles thought he heard voices, then looked around to see that the streets of town were still as barren as his refrigerator back home. He decidedly approached the front door of the shop and opened it up to see that it was dark inside. Chuckles blinked at this.
"Who leaves the lights off on a day like this? And more importantly, how does it get this dark so easily with the blinds down?" He said as he found a nearby light switch and flipped it up.
"Surprise!!"
The lights turned on to reveal many ponies standing with smiles aplenty, with Pinkie Pie standing in front of them. Of course, their chorused word choice had caught Chuckles completely off-guard as he jumped back with a yelp and landed on his back yet again. Meanwhile, Spike stood completely still in his mindless state, and nopony had even bothered to notice.
"Okay, these surprises are murder on the back..." Chuckles muttered as he picked himself up with a bitter look on his face. Pinkie Pie approached him with a wide grin.
"Do you like it, Chuckles? My friends and I made sure to put this party up just for you!" Pinkie stated cheerfully as she pulled a party blower out of nowhere and blew into it. The dark lord was torn between being shocked that Pinkie actually stuck to her word and threw her a party, or that she actually referred him by his name and not the crummy nickname from before.
A part of him wondered if it was even worth subjugating these ponies into slavery until he looked up at the massive disco ball up above. Then he realized that it really was worth it, since he knew the integral role said disco ball shall play in the future.
"Perfect..." He whispered to himself.
"Thanks!" Pinkie chirped, oblivious to the dark lord's malicious glee "Enjoy your party!" She said before pronking off to go chat with her friends.
End of Chapter 8
Author's Note
Big things come in small packages, like the giant disco ball in Pinkie's shop.
Ham merspace is a wonderful thing, is it not?
Stay tuned for the party and the events to follow. Maybe there will be cake.
The cake is a lie...
...Okay, maybe not...
Enjoy the chapter. Peace!
Equestria's Hammiest Villain
Chapter 9Shakin' Bacon
With the guest of honor and his faithful minion gathered in Sugarcube Corner with the other ponies, the party was in full swing. Despite this, however, Chuckles was still staring up at the large disco ball - that had somehow managed to fit inside of the establishment - as if it were a shining idol, while Spike merely stared into space like the mindless slave that he was.
Shaking himself out of his awe, Chuckles looked around to see his future army chatting amongst themselves and leaned next to Spike.
"I command you to keep these idiots entertained while I have some snacks and assess the shiny ball above us. Remember our plan." Chuckles whispered.
"Affirmative." Spike replied, to which Chuckles grinned. The surefire way he could cleverly disguise the purple dragon's newfound monotone inflection. Spike then proceeded to move forward in a fashion similar to a robot while maintaining his emotionless face. He succeeded into bumping into none other than Twilight, who was drinking punch. She turned around in confusion before recognizing her assistant below her.
"Oh, hey, Spike! Did you need something?" Spike said nothing and merely stood still with his unchanged expression of obedience, prompting Twilight to tilt her head "Is everything okay? You look a bit...lifeless."
"Everything is fine, Twilight Sparkle." Spike replied in monotone "I am merely enjoying the party like everypony else without any problems."
"You know, I'd be more convinced hearing that from you without trying to imitate Pinkie Pie's sister Maud." Twilight said with a raised eyebrow. The more she looked at the purple dragon, the more she felt something was off.
"Oh. This. I am actually a robot from the planet Udrogoth, trying to blend in with you earthlings before invading everypony." Twilight stared before hiding a snicker behind her hoof.
"Wh-What?" She asked in a mixture of confusion and mirth "I figured you would be above this kind of thing, Spike."
"I am not Spike. I am a robot from the planet Udrogoth. This is not a trick." Spike replied, while Twilight contained her laughter, amused with the antics of her assistant.
"Okay, Mr. Robot. How long do you plan to go through with your inevitable invasion on ponykind?" Twilight asked playfully.
"Until tomorrow. When the Ponytones shall sing their dulcet tones." Spike replied instantly. Twilight hummed in confusion before pointing a hoof at Spike.
"You're really gonna keep this up for that long? Did Chuckles put you up to this?" Twilight asked. There was a pause, and then Spike responded with the only plausible answer.
"It's part of a bet. I plan to beat him at his own game, but not before invading ponykind." Twilight stared before chuckling and shaking her head.
"I never realized how competitive Chuckles can be. Maybe I should go look for him. Have fun playing robot, Spike." She said as she trotted off to search for the dark lord. Spike merely stood for a brief moment before wandering elsewhere in the same robotic fashion.
Meanwhile, Chuckles was reveling in the thought of claiming the large disco ball for his ingenious plan for universal domination while simultaneously enjoying a nice chocolate doughnut. He couldn't bring himself to try any of the small sandwiches when he noticed there were traces of hay and oats that were sitting on the lettuce and tomatoes. He may be a pig, but he wasn't a lowly creature.
"Such perfect size, such perfect reflection, such perfect...roundness." Chuckles mused to himself as he stared at his prize hanging from above "I think it might even look good in my fortress." He added in a chipper tone before taking another bite of his doughnut.
"Do you like it?" Came a familiar bubbly voice from behind Chuckles as he jumped, then turned around to see Pinkie Pie poking her head behind the snack tray with another one of her overly-saccharine grins. The dark lord gulped the bite of his doughnut before feigning ignorance.
"You mean the party? Uh, I'm pretty sure I answered that already." Chuckles said as he grinned back widely, trying to be as convincing as possible. Pinkie only giggled before hopping over the snack table to land next to her guest.
"Not the party, silly!" She replied as she brought Chuckles close with one foreleg and pointed up to the ceiling with the other "I'm talking about that disco ball up there. It's really nice, huh?"
"Oh, I definitely agree!" Chuckles answered genuinely "It really ties the whole room together. I can see why you wanted to use it for this party."
"Well, I did make this one myself, but I don't use it for just every party." Pinkie said with a smirk before frowning "You'd be surprised at how many ponies are put off by bright lights in this town." A colt with sunglasses and a cane strapped to their forehoof was seen walking past Pinkie and Chuckles.
"Anywho, I made an exception to use it for your party, since you're that much of a special guest!" Pinkie added cheerfully "Can you dance?" Chuckles craned his head back with a raised eyebrow.
"Can I dance? Sister, where I come from, they call me Shakin' Bacon!" Chuckles replied as he shook his hips.
"Really?"
"No, I just wanted to get that out of my system." Chuckles shrugged before pointing at Pinkie with a confident gaze "But I can dance! When do we unveil this bad boy, huh?"
"Anytime's good for the guest of honor if you're that eager to dance with everypony!" Pinkie chirped before leaning in towards Chuckles and whispering with a shifty gaze away from him "I should warn you, though: Twilight's a terrible dancer." She noticed said alicorn approaching and smiled "Whoop! Speak of the devil!"
"Hello, Pinkie Pie, Chuckles! I see you two are enjoying the party as well, huh?" Twilight asked kindly.
"Duh~! Why wouldn't we?" Pinkie responded before holding up Chuckles "We got ourselves a dancer, too. I definitely made the right call to whip out the disco ball this time around!"
"You can dance, Chuckles?" Twilight turned to the dark lord, smiling at the thought "That's great! Maybe we can clear the floor later so you have enough room to dance."
"Oh, sure, that'd be very nice!" Chuckles feigned excitement at Twilight's words. In truth, he only wished to endure the rest of the party until waiting for the right moment to snatch the disco ball for himself. Although, a part of himself felt obligated to show these ponies that his words about his dancing held true. The silver lining is that they would be further distracted from his ulterior motives.
"You know what? Maybe I would love to cut a rug or two." He looked over at Pinkie with a smile "Think you can give that ball a spin?"
"Sure thing!" Pinkie replied eagerly "Gotta make sure nopony goes blind this time, though. Can't have anymore repeat boo-boos." She said before pulling out a remote from her mane and pressing a button, causing the disco ball to begin spinning and reflecting light. The music began to shift into an upbeat techno track as Chuckles and most of the ponies in Sugarcube Corner began dancing.
Spike merely waddled around without any interest in dancing, sometimes going 'beep' and 'boop' as the party went on.
End of Chapter 9
Author's Note
I was gonna make a joke involving Vinyl Scratch as a vampire when Pinkie mentioned the bright lights, but realized that not only would it be in good taste, it'd be ineffective as well when you realize the many bright lights she's surrounded by as she performs.
In other news, aren't title drops fun?
Enjoy the chapter. Peace!
Equestria's Hammiest Villain
Chapter 10Rasher Decisions
Chuckles wiped the sweat from his brow after an hour of dancing. He hadn't realized how much energy the ponies had compared to him, including Twilight, despite how poorly she demonstrated her moves on the dance floor. After he had caught a small glance of the glistening disco ball above him, he had remembered how crucial it was for him to acquire it.
He couldn't exactly steal it, or even send Spike to do it, knowing that they're practically the same size. Moreso, Pinkie would probably have it stashed somewhere out of his reach once the party draws to a close. Noticing how much his possible ideas for acquiring the disco ball are dwindling, Chuckles was left with only one hopeful solution to his problem.
The dark lord held a semblance of confidence in his plan, knowing how crazy Pinkie was and how kind and trusting all the ponies in Ponyville are, but it was overshadowed by the mere absurdity of his request. Would Pinkie actually let Chuckles 'borrow' a giant disco ball? There was only one way for him to find out.
As the party was settling near its conclusion, with the partygoers either relaxing from the dance session or deciding to leave the party early for varying reasons, Chuckles scoped out Pinkie in hopes of putting his plan of politely asking for her ball in motion, albeit reluctantly.
"Where is she? She usually sticks out like a sore thumb. And that's saying something, considering how pink she is! She's pinker than me , for Pete's sake!" Chuckles said to himself while peering into the crowd. He recalled Pinkie being next to him when they started dancing, but as Chuckles had noticed earlier, everypony on the dance floor had a tendency to shift around in their rhythmic euphoria.
"Hiya, Chucky!" A familiar voice chirped from behind Chuckles, coaxing him to jump forward with a yelp. He looked back to see the grinning visage of Pinkie Pie standing behind him.
"Sheesh, we need to put a bell on you." He paused before looking angry "And I told you to stop calling me that!"
"Sorry." Pinkie giggled innocently before smiling down at Chuckles "So, you wanted to see me?" Chuckles withheld any and all hasty replies that would detract from his plan before donning a fixed smile.
"Yes, actually. I would like to-...erm-..." The dark lord cleared his throat before he continued with a wide grin on his face "I would like to borrow your disco ball for a couple of days, if you don't mind." There was a pause between the two, and Chuckles began to sweat from the possible tension he had created from his request. Pinkie continued to stare before a chilling answer was given...
"Okay!"
"Wait, really?" Chuckles said incredulously "Y-You don't mind?"
"Of course not, silly! Anything for a new friend!" She said happily "I never met a pony - or pig, in your case - who would actually appreciate a disco ball, let alone have a use for it!" She pointed up at the ball in question "I'll get it down for you when the party's over and roll it back to Twilght's with you!"
Chuckles stood dumbfounded at how easy it was to merely ask for something rather than take it by force or steal it while they weren't looking. Were these ponies that trusting? Shaking off any further shock and awe at how naive his new army was, he only smiled back at Pinkie Pie as he clapped his hooves together.
"Oh great~! Thanks a bunch, Pinkie~!" He replied in a blithe tone, trying to hide his glee at the thought of his plan almost reaching fruition and not failing for once. He decidedly celebrated with another chocolate doughnut as he bided his time for tonight, when everypony is tucked in their beds.
Later that evening, as the party drew to a close, the ponies that remained all dispersed from Sugarcube Corner, leaving only Twilight, her friends, and Chuckles standing outside the door. Pinkie's disco ball sat next Chuckles as he stared up at it while containing mirthful giggles. Twilight cast a befuddled glance at his current mood before smiling warmly at Pinkie.
"The party was good as always, Pinkie, but now I gotta get these two back to the castle. Although..." She looked up at the disco ball with an arched eyebrow "Do you honestly think it's a good idea for Chuckles to borrow this? I know my castle's big, but what use could he possibly have for it?"
"Beats me. Why not ask him?" Pinkie responded, instantly breaking Chuckle's joy as he shifted his eyes at the ponies surrounding him.
"Yeah, what is it gonna be used for?" Rainbow Dash asked "I know you like dancing and stuff, but that thing's probably gonna cost you a lotta room space if you take it back with you."
"Um-...Uhhhh, it's, erm..." Chuckles stumbled and staggered in a quest for a believable lie until he perked up "Let's just say that what I have planned for this big bad ball next to me will leave you shellshocked! " Pinkie cocked her head to the side and went to speak, only to be cut off "And before you say anything, I know you ponies don't have shells."
"I wasn't thinking that." Pinkie replied instantly.
"Yes, you were." Chuckles shot back in deadpan.
"Well, whatever you got planned, Ah'm sure it'll be somethin' good." Applejack piped up.
"It'll take some time, though, so you all will have to be patient." He paused before pointing at Spike "Like Spike over there!"
"Beep boop."
"Um...Spike's really scaring me with how he's acting." Fluttershy murmured as she inched away from the mindless dragon.
"I must agree with Fluttershy in that I'm rather off-put of Spike and his current behavior." She then huffed "But after knowing that it is but a condition to a loss between him and Chuckles that will last until tomorrow, I'll look it over." She then smirked down at Spike "Good luck, by the way. I believe in you, Spikey-Wikey." Chuckles surpressed his urge to retch at how cheesy the nickname sounded.
"Well, if all's said and done, We'll be on our way now." Twilight said before turning around as her horn began to glow. The disco ball was then surrounded by a magical light that was similar to what was emitted from Twilight's horn. Chuckles stared up at it dumbfounded.
"How are you doing that? I mean, the thing's gotta be heavy!" The dark lord blurted out. Twilight giggled at his shock.
"Well, it would've been strenuous a couple of years ago, but this is actually rather easy for me now. Perks of my ascension to alicornhood, I suppose." She explained briefly. Meanwhile, Chuckles found himself lucky to have added the fact about the disco ball's weight to his question, as he was too focused on the fact that unicorn - or in Twilight's case, alicorn - horns can be used for magical spells.
'They're gonna be my best army EVER! ' Chuckles thought before regaining his composure "Wow! That's pretty neat!" He then looked back at the other ponies and hastily waved "Bye, everybody...pony!"
"See you all tomorrow, girls!" Twilight added as she trotted away with the disco ball in tow "C'mon, Spike." She called to the dragon standing stock still behind her.
"Yeah, Spike! Let's go!" Chuckles quickly said, making sure that his order would get through to him.
"Beep boop." Spike piped up before slowly turning around and following Twilight and Chuckles, making the other girls, save Pinkie Pie, wince at him leaving.
"Spike's really committed to this loss from that wager of his..." Rarity muttered.
"Tell me about it." Rainbow Dash chimed in "I wonder what it was they decided to bet around."
"Certainly no gem-eatin' contest. Spike would've had Chuckles beat there." Applejack said, earning a chuckle from the other girls.
Little did they know that Chuckles was even closer to his universal domination. Could the royal family of Udrogoth manage to reach Equestria and save them from a possible reckoning?
Meanwhile, at Chuckles' Lair
Dave and the others merely sat around outside of Chuckles' evil lair, where they were bored out of there minds as they waited patiently for the army that they were promised in the dark lord's ominous and foreboding message.
"I get the feeling we've been stood up." Candy broke the silence as she crossed her arms.
"Yeah, or maybe just pranked. I wanna go inside and wreck things!" Fang shouted angrily.
"I know it doesn't seem bad, but we should at least take solace in the fact that nothing bad's happened yet." Dave said reassuringly.
"But that's the stupid part! What you just said usually prompts the action we're missing out on!" Fang complained.
"At least I did the smart thing and packed food for the trip." Uncle Oswidge said smugly as he enjoyed a slice of pizza from one of many boxes.
End of Chapter 10
Author's Note
Here we are, the last chapter entry for the year. Sometimes, I forget how hard it is to match the show Dave the Barbarian and it's absurdly funny comedy. I hope you all will like what will be seen in the chapters to come.
Enjoy this chapter. Peace!
Equestria's Hammiest Villain
Chapter 4Hog Wild
Pinkie, Fluttershy, and Chuckles trekked through town, the former two elated to get further acquainted with a new friend. Pinkie pointed the dark lord to several buildings as they moved along, including one that appeared to be made of candy.
"This is Sugarcube Corner, where you can order all kinds of tasty snacks. I work there." Pinkie said cheerfully.
"You work inside a gingerbread house?" Chuckles asked incredulously. He shuddered as he gazed upon the shape "It looks so saccharine..." He said with mild disgust.
"Don't worry! You'll get used to it. At least you're not one of the ponies that tried to eat it. I was one of them when I first came here." Pinkie giggled at the fond memory.
"Are you hungry at all, Mr. Chuckles?" Fluttershy asked kindly.
"Mr. Chuckles?" Chuckles perked up before smiling and pointing at Fluttershy "Now there's a nickname I can get used to." He shot a dirty look at Pinkie "So much better than Chucky, at least." The dark lord's heard a growl and looked down at his rumbling stomach before placing his forehooves on it as he grimaced "Oooh~, my little piggy tummy needs food. So hungry." He moaned, despite the fact that he clearly ate a pudding cup back at the castle.
"Oh, you poor thing." Fluttershy said sympathetically as she scooped up Chuckles into her forelegs "We can take you to my cottage to go eat, if you like."
"Err, no thanks, I'll stick with the saccharine place with the tasty snacks." Chuckles said while staring warily at Fluttershy. He still felt uncomfortable around her despite her kindhearted demeanor.
"Okie Dokie Loki! Let's get you inside and I'll fix you something up." Pinkie said as she pronked into the building with Fluttershy following after. The timid pegasus gently placed Chuckles on a chair at a table while Pinkie made her way into the kitchen.
"So tell me, Mr. Chuckles," Fluttershy asked as she sat opposite of him with a giddy expression "Are there more adorable pigs like you where you're from?"
"Define adorable." Chuckles replied instantly in a flat tone.
"Here ya go!" Came Pinkie's voice next to the silly piggy as he jumped from his chair with a yelp.
"But-But-....But-...But you were-!" Chuckles pointed at Pinkie, who held a delicious looking cupcake on a plate with a hoof. Pinkie giggled at the flabbergasted pig.
"Yeah, I get that a lot. So aren't you gonna eat your cupcake?" Pinkie said, offering the dish to Chuckles, who climbed back onto his chair in an adorable fashion. After Pinkie set down the plate, Chuckles took the cupcake and inspected it before taking a small experimental bite. His eyes widened as he remained still after taking his bite.
"Oh my." Fluttershy watched in concern "Chuckles, are you-" A tear was seen rolling down on the pig's face.
"This is the most delicious thing I've ever tasted..." Chuckles whispered as he held the cupcake in his hooves. His euphoria was instantly halted as he looked at Pinkie "You didn't make this with love did you?"
"Nope, I use baking powder like everypony else." Pinkie answered nonchalantly.
"Most delicious thing ever..." Chuckles whispered again, back in his euphoric state as he stared at the cupcake. Fluttershy squealed at how cute Chuckles looked before he scarfed down the rest of the cupcake.
"Hey, Pinkie!" A raspy voice was heard as a cyan pegasus mare with a rainbow mane and tail trotted her way into Sugarcube Corner "You think you can set me up with a couple of cupcakes? I'm a little hungry after practicing-huh?" She looked over at Chuckles "Who's the pig? A new pet fo your's, Fluttershy?" Chuckles nearly choked on his food before gulping down and glaring at the new pony.
"Whoa there, sister! I'm no one's pet! This pig looks after himself!" He corrected irritably.
"He can talk!?" The cyan pegasus gawked at the pig.
"This is gonna be a thing now, isn't it?" Chuckles deadpanned to no one in particular.
"Oh, hello, Rainbow Dash. I see you haven't met Chuckles yet. Isn't he the cutest?" Fluttershy gushed while the pig in question glanced back at Fluttershy with hidden anger.
"Yeah, I guess." The pony called Rainbow Dash replied before sizing up Chuckles for herself. She then smiled "I gotta admit that cape looks cool, though."
"Isn't it, though? I made it myself." Chuckles said pridefully.
"But why would a pig need a cape? It doesn't really suit you." Rainbow Dash added as she tilted her head to the side.
"Because...well..." Chuckles tried coming up with a good reason/retort before looking back at Rainbow Dash "Because maybe I'm trying to be more cool than cute." Rainbow Dash laughed.
"Well, it's gonna take more than a cape to go that far. I can give you some pointers if you want." She responded as she placed a hoof on your chest "Nopony here knows cool more than Yours Truly."
"Oh, is that right?" Chuckles asked rhetorically "Well, maybe you can show me later. I'm kind of in the middle of a break from a tour." Chuckles quickly turned to Pinkie Pie "Another cupcake, please?"
"Coming up!" Pinkie chirped before taking Chuckles' plate and zipping off into the kitchen.
"Maybe you'd like to join us, Rainbow Dash?" Fluttershy asked with a smile.
"Eh, pass. I'm too hungry to tour Ponyville with you girls." Rainbow Dash waved a dismissive hoof.
"Another cupcake on the house!" Pinkie said as she placed a plate on Chuckles table with another cupcake on it. She then grinned at Rainbow Dash "Come on over to the counter and I'll get you something to go, Dashie." She said as she made for the counter.
"How fast is she?" Chuckles asked, feeling slightly threatened by Pinkie.
"To be honest, I don't know for sure." Fluttershy replied to Chuckles "Pinkie Pie can easily catch up to Rainbow Dash and she's the fastest flier in Equestria."
"That'll be 5 bits!" Pinkie said as she gave Rainbow Dash two different cupcakes at the counter. The cyan pegasus fished out five gold coins and gave them to Pinkie. Chuckles watched the two ponies complete their transaction with a thin smile.
'Yes, that's right. Make sure not to focus too much on your doom. For soon, you and everyone else in this pony-ridden land shall be under my control... ' Chuckles said before he slowly inched the cupcake to his mouth and took a bite, looking down on it with glee after swallowing "These are so delicious! I gotta remember to get the recipe!" Fluttershy watched Chuckles eat more of his free cupcake while looking adorable.
"So cute." She whispered to herself as she watched.
End of Chapter 4
Author's Note
I could've sworn it didn't feel like two months since Chapter 3...Sorry, everyone
Have a deleted scene as compensation:
"Here ya go!" Came Pinkie's voice next to the silly piggy as he jumped from his chair with a yelp.
"But-But-....But-...But you were-!" Chuckles pointed at Pinkie, who held a delicious looking cupcake on a plate with a hoof. Pinkie giggled at the flabbergasted pig.
"Yeah, I get that a lot. So aren't you gonna eat your cupcake?" Pinkie said, offering the dish to Chuckles, who climbed back onto his chair in an adorable fashion. After Pinkie set down the plate, Chuckles took the cupcake and inspected it before taking a small experimental bite.
"Oh my..." Fluttershy said as she covered her mouth with her forehooves, observing a shocking spectacle with a grinning Pinkie.
Laying on the ground on his back with several wadded cupcake holders around him was a bloated pig, whose face was littered with different kinds of frosting and crumbs. All he did was moan like a zombie as he stared up at the ceiling with half-lidded eyes.
"I can't believe he ate all of the cupcakes you offered him after that first one..." Fluttershy uttered.
"I know! I guess he really is a pig after all." Pinkie laughed at her own joke while Chuckles moaned both in pain and how horrible said joke was.